The Halves That Make Us Whole

Previously on Adam Riff™:

I have never met Adam Riff™. He's a friend of Seth's whose name I appropriated.

Elvin:
—so…
—i met adam riff™'s mom the other day
—my sister got married
—and she was invited to the wedding
—turns out adam riff™'s mom works w/ my sister… or used to rather


The Mother

"How do you know what my web site is called?"

"Adam's mother told me."

[pause]

"WHAT? You know his mother?"

"I met her at a wedding recently. She's a friend of a friend."

[pause]

Six degrees of Adam Riff™'s mother.


The Boss

"Why are we bringing our microwave to CES? And our water cooler? We can just buy bottled water."

"Someone may want a hot beverage, though."

"Then bring an electric kettle!"

[…]

"Okay, if we bring our water cooler, why do we need to bring our minifridge?"

"For other drinks."

"Are we showcasing our products or selling concessions?"


The Cousin

"You like to gamble? Me too! I love betting on sports. I won all five of my NBA bets yesterday."

Ohhh girls just want to bet on sports…

[…]

"You're studying dentistry, right?"

"No, I switched to anesthesiology. Competitive pay, less stress."

"Ah. But [our mutual cousin in Taiwan] is studying dentistry, right?"

"No, he couldn't pass the entrance exam for dentistry school, so he switched to pharmacology, but was miserable attending school far from home, so he switched to Japanese."

"Japanese?"

"I know!"

"A Japanese degree sounds even less valuable than my English one. He and I should team up and localize video games inefficiently."


The Brother

"Jesus. You own more clothes than any girl I know. You could singlehandedly clothe the country of Gambia in graphic tees."

[…]

"How the fuck do you shower? The bar of soap I unwrapped yesterday is now…a quarter note!"


The Co-Worker

"How was your Christmas?"

"Alright. We spent it with the extended family of some friends of my parents, none of whom I knew. My father said I'd be around a bunch of people my age. 27, 20 – same difference."

[…]

"Anyway, I left early to finish a blog post. Self-imposed deadline."


The Father

"Young people today sure can drink. After you left, they played a game where you try to throw a ball into cups filled with…"

"They played beer pong? On Christmas? In front of their parents?"


The Author

In the wee hours of Boxing Day, I laid in bed pondering the deaths of my parents. I've never been demonstrably affectionate toward either of them and dread consoling the surviving parent when the first one passes.

I still regret eulogizing my last surviving grandparent with Nine Inch Nails lyrics.


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