Jon | Rory | Anthony
WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.
"NO!!! YOU DESERVE A SCENE! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GONNA SEE SPY KIDS!"
some mom to her daughter outside the Birmingham Palladium
The Main Art Theatre was voted "best place to see an independent film" by Metro Times readers in 2001, beating out "your living room" and "the Independent Film Channel" for the meaningless honor.
In addition, "the Main" (as the local kids call it) proudly serves Seattle's Best Coffee. [pause] And that would be…?
Ex-WankerCounty frontmen Anthony (my hero) and Matthew work at the Main. We decided to pay them a visit.
One thing about Tony…
Tony Fader is the Switzerland of moviegoers.
When we arrived at the Main, fellow Wankers Jord and Jram and Jord's cousin Eric stood loitering outside. I later learned that Jord and Eric are both seniors in high school.
Okay, now that disturbs me. Cousins should not be the same age…ever. Why? Because it means that two or more siblings basically plotted to go at it like rabbits simultaneously, and that's disturbing. How would you feel if you found out that during the same period in time, you and your sibling several years separated (or even worse, your twin) both tossed aside condoms and pills for some extensive sexual activity? And I don't mean general in-the-bed disco. I'm talking sex with a purpose. I'm talking major "get in that egg before the sun goes down, you goddamned sperm!" pelvic thrust action. Plus, in the case of Jord and Eric's parents, you know they were doing all this through a hole in a sheet. [shivers]
I think siblings must get competitive. They all know their mom wants grandkids, so they're competing for their mom's favor.
Yes, but what's more important: reproductive success or speed breeding? You think Mom wants to look after five retards and a gimp? Nooo…
Anyhow, Matt soon let us all in to loiter inside the theatre.
One of these is not like the others:
Wanker buddy Bruno
Tisch Tysch Tysh (pronounced "nahasapeemapetilon") also works at the Main. What kind of cruel parents name their kid Bruno, especially if the surname is Tysh? When I hear the name Bruno, I think intimidating macho big dick tough guy construction worker. When you add the Tysh after it though, I suddenly feel like talking stocks over a round of golf in wine country. Total momentum killer! His name might as well be Bruno Quiche. Poor bastard… He looks like a Bruno, but he's saddled with Tysh for a last name. Might I suggest changing it to something more Bruno-philic? Tattaglia, perhaps? I mean, Steve Michaels did not make it big as "Stone Cold" Steve Liebowitz, and for a guy who thrives on attention, Bruno Tysh definitely ain't gonna cut it in primetime.
Bruno Tysh (…in the pink)
TATTAGLIA! Tysh [puts his head in his hands and sighs]
We continued to loiter inside the theatre until Tony, Matt and Bruno got off work. Then, we all headed off (actually, they all headed off, and Rory and I followed) to disturb the peace, or rather, this guy:
to be continued