Tim Allen Is Not Very Funny

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Hell: where is it? I'm sure everybody has been told to go to hell at least once in their lives. Some people even tell themselves that they're going to hell. Personally, I'd prefer to go to Vegas, but hell sounds good too. Where the hell is hell though? I live in Los Angeles. I've been to New Jersey. I haven't seen any signs for hell yet. I've seen a sign for Hell's Kitchen, but that's Hell's…Kitchen. I don't wanna go to Hell's fuckin' Kitchen; I wanna go to hell!!! Maybe hell doesn't exist. Maybe it's one of those things that you're conditioned to believe actually exists, like justice and the midwest. I believe in hell though. I plan, no I WILL, go to hell before I die. Mark my words. Also, I hope airlines offer "get out of hell free" cards, because if I'm-a spend a shitload of money on travel expenses, I want insurance that hell will be a fun ass place to visit.

Fox has announced a January 23 8:00 pm airdate for That 80s Show, the new comedy from the creators of That 70s Show. Isn't it a bit pre-nostalgic to be making a show about the 80s? I mean, I'm not even finished with puberty yet and Hollywood already wants me to relive it all over again.

Jon: Can I have the chicken and some pasta?
Lunchlady: If you smile…
Jon's Interior Monologue: "If you smile…" What the fuck is that bullshit? You're a fuckin' lunchlady! Shut the fuck up and give me my fuckin' food! Bitch.
[Jon smiles]

On February 3, U2 will headline the E*Trade Super Bowl XXXVI halftime show at the Superdome in New Orleans. "This year's show will take on new meaning in light of recent world events," NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue said in a statement. "We are pleased that the spectacular talent of U2 will become part of our Super Bowl halftime tradition." Whoo.

Paul: What'd you think of the Destiny's Child Christmas record I gave you?
Jon: Whaaa? Oh that! I thought the coaster, er, record you gave me was…good.
Jon's Interior Monologue: Bull-SHIT!!! Does the world really need to hear every single fuckin' pop star sing "Jingle Bells"? Just because this record has Beyoncé's stank on it doesn't make it not suck. And what kind of affirmative action record title is 8 Days of Christmas? Either Christmas inexplicably lost four days or the members of Destiny's Child are secretly Jews for Jesus.
Jon: Yeah. I think I'm-a get a copy for my friend.
Jon's Interior Monologue: Yeah. I think I'm-a give this piece of shit away.

System of a Down vocalist Serj Tankian is currently working on an LP with Armenian multi-instrumentalist Arto Tuncboyaciyan. Tankian plans to release the as-yet-untitled disc next summer on his label Serjical Strike. Tankian first met Tuncboyaciyan at last year's Armenian Music Awards, where the multi-instrumentalist was creating flute sounds with a Coke bottle while banging polyrhythmically on a tambourine. Tankian was so impressed by Tuncboyaciyan's performance he invited him to work on SOAD's sophomore record Toxicity. Tuncboyaciyan recorded an outro after "Aerials" and a mid-section in "Science," and during the recording sessions, he and Tankian became friends.

[knocking on door]
Jon's Interior Monologue: Goddammit. Go away! I'm trying to masturbate here!
Jon's Interior Monologue's Interior Monologue: But your dick's limp…
Jon's Interior Monologue: A boy can try, can't he? [sigh] Ah, fuck it.
[Jon opens door]
Jon: Hello.
Jon's Interior Monologue: Well, fuckin' A! It's none other than fascist cracker wonderboy!
Kyle the RA: Hey Jon. Listen, have you filled out a residential life survey yet?
Jon's Interior Monologue: Hell no! Why bother?
Jon: No, not yet.
Kyle the RA: Well, if you stop by the D2 lounge and fill out a survey, we have cookies! Plus, the floor that fills out the most surveys in our building gets a pizza party!
Jon's Interior Monologue: Cookies and a pizza party? What am I? Six years old? What kind of incentives are those? I can get cookies and pizza at a dining hall…and without having to do jack shit! Look, if it doesn't make me throw up, pass out, or cum, it's not worth the trouble.
Jon: Oh? Cookies? All right. I'll stop by later.
Kyle the RA: Great…
Jon's Interior Monologue: Fuck that! Wrestling's on.

"Now is the time to give it all up. To give up hatred, give up grudges, give up differences because it's not worth it. To spend our lives disliking someone or something, or have grudges…I've had my problems with whoever I've had them with, and whoever had their problem with me or Limp Bizkit. [But] I'm a human, and I'm prepared to step up to that. All of my differences are gone now." – Fred Durst on September 11

After coming under fire from the coroner at the inquest into the death of 16-year-old Jessica Michalik, Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst has now decided he will testify at the inquest. Jessica died as a result of being crushed during Limp Bizkit's set at Australia's Big Day Out festival earlier this year. Durst issued a statement through his lawyers saying he's ready to co-operate with the inquest. It's currently unclear whether he will testify in-person or via video link when the inquest re-opens early next year. According to Bizkit manager Peter Katsis, the band has been deeply affected by the teen's death. "The band will never look at an audience the same way," he said. "This is something that will affect them for the rest of their lives."

Man, what happened to the Fred Durst we loved to hate? It used to be derogatory to call him a pussy. Let me get this straight. First, Fred wants to be a card-carrying member of the Wu-Tang Clan. Now, he wants to be the lead singer of Creed. What's goin' on? Gimme back the Fred Durst who liked to throw bologna on strippers' asses and say things like "swinging on my nuts is a fucked up game."


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