If Only Duct Tape Could Fix Everything

I don't know if this is what you'd call a layout change. I'd like to think of it as more of an ongoing project, part of twelve-step program towards digital rehabilitation. Muchas gracias, Tony, Ogre, and Dobi, for letting me steal code and inspiration without given consent. Ah, fuck. Again, with the WankerCounty references. I'm such a W seee-lut.

20th Century Fox and Lucasfilm have confirmed that Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones will open Thursday May 16 in the United States and Canada. Yes, Thursday. Moreover, for those of you who thought the one-minute "breathing" teaser sucked ass, a full trailer for Attack of the Clones, featuring unseen footage, will play before Warner Bros.' Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone beginning Friday. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Today, I spent $28 on records, continuing my history of being a letdown to my generation. Luckily, the records I picked up make my ears bleed cells of joy. By "records," of course, I mean "compact discs." It just sounds cooler when you say "records." Anyway, I bought Adam Riff™'s item of the week, The Movielife…Has a Gambling Problem, as well as the latest releases from Saves the Day and Dilated Peoples. Emo, punk, and poor man's hip-hop. Good shit.

Britney Spears adorns the cover of the latest Rolling Stone and my, how she's grown as an artist. In her fourth appearance on the cover of RS, Britney decided to have her photo taken, apparently, midway through falling out of her top. IT'S GREAT!!! Hell, I grew as a fan just gawking, er, glancing at the picture. I know the camera adds ten pounds, but I didn't realize you could concentrate unwarranted bulkiness in a particular location on the body. Stephanie McMahon better watch her chest.

The Tennis Channel has announced initial programming plans for its launch in third quarter 2002. The company, funded by an investment group led by former Universal Studios and Viacom chief Frank Biondi, has secured rights to more than 1,000 hours of U.S. tournaments from the ATP, WTA and Champions tours. Matches from World Team Tennis, the Intercollegiate Tennis Association and the national junior tour, as well as a number of classic matches, also will be broadcast. The schedule will consist of about 40% tournament play, 40% instruction and 20% news and personalities. The channel has enlisted several well-known coaches to host instructional shows. Original shows include Tennis News Daily, The Player's Lounge, Beyond the Lines, Gearheads and Destination Tennis.

Wow. That's a lot of tennis. Is tennis really that interesting that it merits its own cable channel? I mean, just because there's a Tennis Channel doesn't mean that the rich white people target demographic will automatically tune in, especially with formidable competition from the likes of the Golf Channel and BBC America.

To help teenagers make informed decisions, we need to provide them with good reasons not to have sex on a first date:

Number One: If you need immediate gratification on a first date, order dessert. Always remember: It's easier to not finish a piece of cake than it is to not finish a blow job. If you feel guilty after eating a piece of mud pie, you can always work it off on the StairMaster – which is much cheaper and easier than trying to burn off your sexual guilt with your therapist, the StareMaster.

Number Two: Before sleeping with someone, consider trying to find out if you're sexually compatible by thinking about them while masturbating. Remember: If you can't make a relationship work in a fantasy, then it will never work in reality.

gorilla suit (20 clicks to the right)

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