Confucious Say

Jon: Hello, everybody. My name is Jonathan. Welcome to comic strip anonymous.
Rory: H to the izz-O! V to the izz-A! Fo' shizzle my nizzle used to drib-
Jon: Hornblower! Do you mind?
Rory: What's goin' on here? Another one of your rehab study groups?
Jon: No, chodemaster. It's not rehab. For your information, this is a comic strip anonymous meeting.
Rory: Eh. Sounds like rehab to me.
Jon: Okay, that's enough out of you. Can you let us be?
Rory: Ten bucks.
Jon: One.
Rory: Seven.
Jon: Three.
Rory: Five.
Jon: Six.
Rory: Deal.
Jon: [pause] Jon, you fuckin' retard! [pause] You know what? Fuck it. Here's your money. Now scram. [exit Rory] Sorry about that. So now then. Why don't we go around the room and introduce ourselves. State your name and the reason you're here. Let's start with you, miss.
Cathy: Hello, my name is Cathy. I'm fat, overworked, and men think I'm a dyke.
Jon: Very good.
Jeffy: Yo. J-Money here.
Jon: You mean Jeffy.
Jeffy: Don't fuckin' call me Jeffy or I'll fuckin' rip you a new asshole. I fuckin' hate that fucker Bil Keane for fuckin' pigeonholin' me into this fuckin' role.
Jon: All right.
Luann: Hi, I'm Luann, and I'm still a virgin…at 17!
Charlie: My…I…my name is Charlie Brown, and I want to kill myself. United Media won't let me retire, even though Chuck Schulz is clearly dead. I've been at this for what? 60 years now? When will the hell that is my life end? If you want classic peanuts, go to the supermarket. Thank you.
Dogbert: Hola, me llamo Dogbert, and I'm a TALKING DOG! Aaaaaaaaaah!
Huey: 'Sup? I'm Huey, and I'm pissed off.
Jon: At what?
Huey: Everything! White people, school, white people……white people.
Jon: I see. Okay, thank you all for coming. I want to begin with Charlie Brown.
Charlie: I'm so miserable at my job.
Jon: Good grief! You're a good man, Charlie Brown. You just need to boost your self-esteem. Understand that America likes reading your unfunny adventures. We like not laughing. I suggest you seek counseling. Moving on… Dogbert!
Dogbert: Woof, I mean, yes?
Jon: Are you sure that you're a talking dog? Usually in comic strips, animals think their dialogue. Are you sure that thought bubbles don't appear when you talk?
Dogbert: Yes. Adams uses lines, not bubbles, for dialogue.
Jon: Oh. Well, I can't help you then. If the ability to talk stresses you out so much, there's always euthanasia. I suggest you seek counseling before doing anything rash though.
Cathy: What about me? What about me? Am I really skinny but think I'm overweight? Is it a matter of self-perception? Do I like the pussy?
Jon: Cathy, I'm gonna be honest with you. You're a fat, overworked dyke. I suggest you seek counseling.
Jeffy: Dude, this is fuckin' bullshit! Seek counseling. Seek counseling. Seek counseling. That's your fuckin' solution to everything. Who are you? Dr. Drew?
Jon: HEY! Watch it, J-Lo.
Jeffy: J-Money. It's J-Money.
Jon: Whatever. When did you become such a potty mouth?
Jeffy: I fuckin' told you! It's that cocksucker Keane and his fuckin' family values bullshit. Y'all think I'm naive and wholesome. Hells no! I've fuckin' been wantin' on Dolly since the day we launched, but no… Grammy's fuckin' watchin' from heaven. Well, fuck that! Say, Luann, how's about I stick my dick in that fine-ass cunt of yours?
Luann: Ewww! You perv! I'm not that insecure, you know. In fact, I'd rather do it with a girl than you, sicko.
Cathy: REALLY? You'd do it with a girl?
Luann: ……….No.
Cathy: But you said tha-
Jeffy: Shut the fuck up, carpet-muncher! The lady likes strudel, not pie. Fuckin' A! I'm fuckin' gettin' a stifferooni just thinkin' about feelin' on her boo-tay.
Huey: Nigga please! Why don't you act like a honky for a change? If I wasn't so civil, I'd have laid the smack down on your cracker ass already.
Jeffy: Tell me you did not just say that.
Huey: What? That the only thing black about you is the size of your hemorrhoids?
Jeffy: Oh, now you've gone and done it, bee-atch. You want a piece of me? Let's get it on.
[chaos ensues]
Jon: Huey…Jeffy……….HORNBLOWER!
Rory: I'm a…slaaaaave…for you… Yeah?
Jon: Bring out the gimp.
[everybody freezes]
Huey: The gimp?
Jeffy: The gimp?
Dogbert: Woof, er, the gimp?
Cathy: The gimp?
Luann: The gimp?
Charlie: Jim Davis?
[everybody except Jon and Rory run away in panic]
Jon: Damn. I've always wanted to use the gimp too. Oh well.

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