Police Academy 8

Jack: I've been doin' cock pushups.
Kyle: Cock pushups?
Jack: Yeah.
Kyle: What are those?
Jack: It's where you fuckin' lay down flat on the ground…
Kyle: Yeah…
Jack: …and then you let your boner lift you up off the ground.
Kyle: NO! No…that's…that'd be impossible. Your-your cock could support your whole weight?
Jack: Well, not at first.
Kyle: Yeah…
Jack: But over time.
Kyle: Hmmm. How-how many pushups can you do?
Jack: …Cock pushups?
Kyle: Yeah. [pause] I guess you could only do one, really.
Jack: Yeah, one is all you need.

Thursday is Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement. How sweet is that? I wish I could annually wipe my slate clean by fasting for a day too. Currently, I have enough skeletons in my closet that I might as well be nicknamed "Arlington National Cemetery."

Let's do something good. Plug = good. Meet Samn: resident of Orlando, master of Gator the dog, and geeky proprietor of Robotskull, a longtime pet website of mine. See, I'm a flaky practitioner of the lost art of keeping a secret. I wish I could have Robotskull as my own, but in the end, it's Samn's site, and more importantly, it's public property. I will trademark the name Adam Riff™ without qualms. I will not, however, stop Robotskull from infiltrating the masses. Witty material with a psycho sensibility. Why not? In fact, I'm gonna add Robotskull to the list of key elements for my special event post because I think Samn is fuckin' cool. He's so cool that he reads fashion magazines like they're warning labels telling him what not to do, so cool that Arthur Fonzarelli seems like a garden-variety dork in comparison. Robotskull is off the heazy, fo'sheazy! Did I just say that? Note to self – don't use slang.

How was school today? Well mother, it was unfortunately typical. The wheels on the school go round and round and brain rust builds with every therapeutic session of lecture. Not only do my professors have the charisma of luggage, for some reason, I can't bring myself to take notes. In class, I always have a notebook and pen out but never actually write anything down. I'm a terrible student. I should be reading for class, but I don't want to read. My 10A textbook is 2,974 pages long, WAY more than 40 oz. of old English. Beowulf? Chaucer? The Faerie Queene? Yuck. Early English literature is worse than the collective works of Ayn Rand. At least I don't have class on Tuesday or Thursday.

There are so many people at UCLA. If the admissions office could just reject more applicants, I wouldn't feel like I was in China.

Do any handicapped people smoke? I'm talkin' severely retarded folk who like Kools. I've never met one and I really want to. Gimme a call at (310) 267-6150 if you're in the know.

Spin magazine: In response to Limp Bizkit's recent Zoolander soundtrack cover of Frankie Goes to Hollywood's severely homoerotic classic "Relax" (does Fred even read those lyrics when he plunders the 80s?), legendary Frankie frontman Holly Johnson quips: "Sorry, to be so ignorant about American music, but who are Limp Bizkit? Does it mean limp dick?" Well…
Correction: Powerman 5000 covered "Relax," not Limp Bizkit

In light of recent events, the WWF is renaming the two hours of its flagship show Raw simply "Raw I" and "Raw II" and the name Raw is War has been dropped. The December PPV, formerly called Armageddon, is now called Payback. They are also dropping usage of the Drowning Pool song "Bodies" which has been used since the Invasion PPV for the Alliance.

Payback? What kind of name is that for the last PPV of the year? Vince McMahon needs to lay off the thesaurus. Backlash, Unforgiven, and now Payback? The December PPV should have been renamed A WWF Christmas. Think of the possibilities! Vince could come out as McMahonta Claus, whimsically booking matches for wrestlers who've been good all year. Oh the other hand, Mick Foley could return and deliver coal in the stocking (and mouth) of a naughty wrestler. "Candy" Kane could fight Al Snow in an inferno match to see whose chestnuts will end up roasting on an open fire. Shane McMahon could do a ridiculous high spot off the giant tree centerpiece of the set. Kurt Angle could supply milk while the Rock cooks up some People's Strudel in lieu of cookies. And for the main event, ragin' red-and-green-neck "Stone Cold" Steve Austin could fight special holiday guest Goldberg for the right to light either the tree or a menorah. Whoo!

Okay, I am really pathetic.

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