VMA Replicase

All right, this is either gonna work well or suck ass. I'm hoping for the former. Jonathan Yu's live coverage of the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards (recorded earlier) begins now. Refresh your internet browser frequently for updates.

6:30
It's the VMA Opening Act. Whoo! Kurt Loder is teamed with Korean news girl Suchin Pak. Am I the only person who finds her annoying as hell? Bring back Serena Altschul, dammit!

6:32
Alien Ant Farm performs "Smooth Criminal." This song is so played out. Annie's fine. Now release another single. Underwhelming performance.

6:35
Who the fuck is this Gideon Yago? And who names their kid Gideon Yago?

6:36
Kurt talks to J. Lo. Kurt looks so old. He must hate his job.

6:37
John Norris talks to Alicia Keys. Her hair looks like an art and crafts project you make at summer camp.

6:39
Chris Connelly talks to Dream. "P. Diddy's Pretties" look not so pretty tonight.

6:45
More Kurt and Suchin. Yuck.

6:45
John talks to Sheryl Crow and Sum 41. The lead singer of Sum 41 looks like a duck.

6:47
Sway interviews DMX at a barbershop. I think Sway is retarded. Lame news piece.

6:49
Suchin talks to Busta Rhymes, Spliff, and Ludacris.

6:51
Hey! It's Iann Robinson, the excitable MTV news reader. You know, he might want to consider dialing it back a bit.

6:56
John Norris talks to Chris Kattan. Beep beep beep.

6:58
Suchin goes shopping with Ja Rule and Pink. Shoot me.

7:01
Suchin talks to Ja Rule. Ja Rule always looks so happy with that giddy smile on his face. Cut down on the "e." Holla!

7:03
John talks to the Backstreet Boys. A.J. is "good."

7:04
News piece on hip hop producers remixing George Bizet's Carmen. What the fuck is this? P. Diddy and Jermaine Dupri DO NOT deserve to debauch opera.

7:12
John talks to Janet Jackson. What's up with her boyfriend? Rock wannabe.

7:14
Sway talks to Outkast. Neon outfits are fucking cool.

7:15
Chris talks to Eve. Can you say "ugly"?

7:16
Kurt talks to Gwen and Tom from No Doubt. Tom wants to be Kurt…Cobain.

7:17
More Carmen remix shit. Gag.

7:19
Suchin talks to Destiny's Child. It only took them two hours to get ready. I don't understand girls.

7:21
Sway informs us that Wyclef's dad died. Really? I thought he'd only be gone 'til November.

7:26
Chris talks to Will Smith. They play an MTV News exclusive clip of Ali. Marketing in action. I want to smack Will Smith's son.

7:29
John talks to *NSYNC. J.C.'s hair continues to amaze me.

7:30
Chris and Gideon hand out awards. Robbie Williams wins Best Special Effects for "Rock DJ" and "Weapon Of Choice" by Fatboy Slim wins Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Choreography, Best Editing, and Breakthrough Video. Wow. Like Gideon says, "Mazel tov."

7:32
City High and Eve perform "What Would You Do?" and "Caramel." Eh. At least it's better than listening to Suchin talk.

7:37
Kurt talks to Mick Jagger and Britney Spears. Mick looks like a dirty old man who wants on Britney.

7:44
P. Diddy arrives on a giant parade float thingy performing "Bad Boy For Life." Such humility.

7:45
John talks to Incubus, whose members are dressed like Weezer tonight.

7:46
Kurt talks to Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. They have to be America's ultimate white trash couple. Kid Rock needs to grow up.

7:47
Sway is in the pit. Fans suck.

7:48
Suchin talks to P. Diddy. P. Diddy sucks too. Product shilling is just not cool.

7:55
John talks to U2. The Edge talks!

7:56
Sway talks to Jay-Z. Great…two retards now.

7:57
Kurt talks to the Moulin Rouge girls. They look 80s trashy tonight.

7:58
Iann and Gideon.

7:59
Kurt and Suchin.

8:00
Time for the awards. (Posted at 10:00: the pop art set is an improvement over last year's scrap heap. Nothing special. However, the nominee packages with the biology video clips are classic.)

8:01
Jamie Foxx gives the west side hand signal and goes on to perform an opera medley of popular songs from the past year all the while commenting on music events in the news. Funny.

8:05
Monologue time. Groaning funny. I can't believe Jamie made a Gary Condit joke. He then does a sick rap.

8:12
Backstreet Boys present Best Hip Hop Video. A.J.'s sober!

8:14
Outkast wins Best Hip Hop Video for "Ms. Jackson." Thank-God-O-Meter = 1.

8:16
Will Ferrell runs on stage and climbs the set scaffolding. Har har.

8:22
J. Lo and Ja Rule perform "I'm Real (Remix)," the number one single in the country. Apparently, J. Lo has the VMAs confused with the Latin Grammys. Better than I expected.

8:28
Destiny's Child presents Best Direction. Dude, it hasn't even been 30 minutes and they already changed outfits! Jeez.

8:30
Spike Jonze wins Best Direction for "Weapon Of Choice." Christopher Walken receives a huge pop. Spike Jonze rules.

8:31
Janet Jackson leads the obligatory Aaliyah tribute. R. Kelly, Timbaland, and Missy Elliott continue. Her brother ends it. Short, but depressing.

8:40
Oh man… Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, and Dream present Best Dance Video.

8:43
*NSYNC wins Best Dance Video for "Pop." Thank-God-O-Meter = 2. The mike on stage is way too low.

8:45
Dale Earnhardt Jr. (?) introduces Linkin Park. Linkin Park performs "One Step Closer." Suddenly, the singer of Linkin Park is Adam Sandler. Stupid song, cool turntable scratching.

8:49
Ugh. Unnecessary Danny Almonte joke.

8:56
Carson Daly talks to J. Lo. Total time killer.

8:56
Chris Kattan and Julia Stiles perform an interpretive dance to the Viewers' Choice nominees. Waste of talent.

8:58
Alicia Keys performs some Beethoven and "Fallin'." I see they made custom Alicia Keys headbands for the backup singers. Good, but could've done without the dancers.

9:07
The Moulin Rouge "ladies" present Best Male Video. Mya informs us that "voules-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?" is French. Really…

9:09
Moby wins Best Male Video for "Southside." Does this guy even have a Y chromosome?

9:11
Will Smith presents Best Female Video. Funny interplay between Jamie and Will, though Jim Carrey did the same thing better at last year's VMAs.

9:13
Eve wins Best Female Video for "Let Me Blow Ya Mind." Thank-God-O-Meter = 3.

9:15
"Coming up next: surprise guests." Dumbasses.

9:20
Nelly, Macy Gray, and Mary J. Blige present Best New Artist. Macy has quite a respectable outfit on. Boy, she needs to stay off the cigarettes.

9:23
Alicia Keys wins Best New Artist for "Fallin'." Didn't see that coming. Alicia's outfit is even worse than Macy's. Thank-God-O-Meter = 4.

9:24
Christopher Walken introduces *NSYNC. Another huge pop. *NSYNC performs "Pop." J.C.'s pants are hideous. Disappointing performance. They spent way too much money on the garishly colorful sets. BUT WAIT! Just when you think everything's gonna suck, Michael Jackson comes on stage and does a little dance to save the day.

9:35
Eve, Gwen Stefani, and Moby present the MTV2 Award.

9:39
Mudvayne wins the MTV2 Award for "Dig." WHAT THE FUCK? Gorillaz got shafted. Mudvayne can eat my ass.

9:41
Jay-Z performs "Izzo (H.O.V.A.)" outdoors. Somebody has a Chicago Bulls fetish. Not bad.

9:45
Daphne Aguilera (Andy Dick) plugs the Viewers' Choice award. Dick's interplay with Christina Aguilera is really funny.

9:53
FUCK YEAH! Tenacious D present Best Group Video with guitars in hand. Funny funny funny.

9:56
*NSYNC wins Best Group Video for "Pop." There's a sight for you: *NSYNC and two fat guys on stage together.

9:57
Usher and Estella Warren present Best R&B Video.

10:00
Destiny's Child wins Best R&B Video for "Survivor." That song is R&B? I thought it was shit. Thank-God-O-Meter = 5.

10:07
DMX and Mark Wahlberg introduce Staind. Staind performs "Fade." Is Aaron Lewis ever happy? Solid, but not the song I would choose to play on such a high profile show.

10:12
P. Diddy presents Best Rap Video. Ben Stiller interrupts with an inside joke from the "Bad Boy For Life" video and really funny interplay ensues. I tell you, Ben shoulda hosted.

10:16
Nelly wins Best Rap Video for "Ride Wit Me." Hey! Must be the money! Thank-God-O-Meter = 6.

10:17
Triumph the insult comic dog plugs the Viewers' Choice Award. "J. Lo, please let me sniff your butt!" Funny.

10:24
Nikka Costa and Sheryl Crow present Best Pop Video.

10:26
*NSYNC wins Best Pop Video for "Pop." Thank-God-O-Meter = 7.

10:27
Shakira and Busta Rhymes introduce Missy Elliott. Classic Busta VMA plug for his new album beforehand. Missy Elliott, Nelly Furtado, Ludacris, Trina, and Bond perform "Get Ur Freak On" and "One Minute Man." Eh. Missy shelled out $250,000 for this?

10:37
Jon Bon Jovi and Jewel present Best Video From A Film.

10:40
The Moulin Rouge girls win Best Video From A Film for "Lady Marmalade." Man, I wanna fuck Christina Aguilera and Mya in the ass right now. Wait, did I just say that? Ignore what I said. Thank-God-O-Meter = 8.

10:41
Carson Daly presents U2 with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award.

10:52
U2 performs "Elevation" and "Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of" after a delay due to technical problems. Simple, straightforward, and still good after all these years.

10:58
During the U2 acceptance speech, Bono brings the surviving Ramones out on stage. The camera immediately cuts away.

11:01
Johnny Knoxville and Snoop Dogg present Best Rock Video.

11:03
Limp Bizkit wins Best Rock Video for "Rollin'." BULL-shit!!! Who votes for these awards? 12-year-old girls? "I want to say 'hi' to my newborn son Dallas Durst." Hahaha…no. I think I'm gonna name my kid Hell's Kitchen Yu. Even Wes singing Iron Maiden isn't enough to quell my outrage.

11:06
Two flaming nobodies and Ananda Lewis present the Viewers' Choice Award.

11:09
*NSYNC wins the Viewers' Choice Award for "Pop." How is this different from TRL?

11:15
Outkast introduces Britney Spears.

11:15
Britney Spears world premieres her new single "I'm A Slave 4 U." Get a load of Britney's pussy…cats. Caged cheetahs, dancers in Cats reject costumes, and a 3|4 naked Britney fondling a snake. Gotta love it. If only the song was actually good. Really pathetic.

11:20
Kid Rock (why doesn't he just go away?) enters, cigarette in hand, and introduces Mick Jagger.

11:21
Kid Rock and Mick Jagger present Video Of The Year.

11:24
The Moulin Rouge girls win Video Of The Year for "Lady Marmalade." Okay, I give up. You win, MTV. I'll just bend over and let you cram processed music shit up my ass. I surrender. Thank-God-O-Meter = 9.

It's a sad day in America when "Lady Marmalade" wins Video Of The Year and goes down in the record books next to ingenious fare like "Tonight, Tonight" and "Virtual Insanity." My heart goes out to Fatboy Slim, Gorillaz, and Weezer for becoming casualties of the VMA war. Goddammit, I should produce this fucking awards show. Give me the reigns and I'll give you a truly good show. [sigh] Oh well. If there's one thing to be learned from the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards, it's that MTV IS GAY. The end.

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