Howard the Genius

If you need proof that Asian parents have no idea how to name their children, look no further. Living on my floor next year are two guys (neighbors, in fact) named Jonathan Wu and John Woo. A Yu, a Wu, and a Woo. Whoo!

I've been meaning to change my name for a while now. I don't know how many times I've been in public and heard my name called only to turn my head and realize that the name-caller was referring to another Jon. Also, why do people always assume that I spell my name with an "H"? For the last time, my Jonathan has no "H"! It's kosher, just the way I like it.

What does a boy like me choose for a new name? I've considered variations on Jonathan, names like Nathan, Jack, and Jonas, but everybody tells me that I'm not cool enough for those names. Moreover, the obvious fun ones are out by default. Damn, Fuck, Kill, Pee, Screw, Shit On, and Jizz Like A Volcano All Over don't exactly make good impressions on prospective employers. I don't know… I'm at the point in my life where I'll even consider predominantly female names in order to avoid slipping back into the flocks of anonymous Jonathans in the world. How does Hadassah Yu sound?

I was at Tower Records yesterday and as I walked out, I saw Afroman – the guy behind the "Because I Got High" song – standing right there on the sidewalk. At first, I thought he was one of those crazy black guys who roam the hallowed grounds of Westwood for a living. Upon closer examination, however, I discovered that this particular individual was…Afroman, a crazy black guy who sings about pot for a living.

We discussed anorexia nervosa in psych class and it got my thinking. Call me an insensitive asshole, but I simply cannot respect anorexic males. For some reason, in my mind, they are weak. The same goes for men who are raped by women. WEAK. I'm sorry. Shoot me for not being all touchy feely.

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