Y'all don't know what it's like being male, middle-class, and Asian white.

Hello. My name is Jonathan Yu. I am Asian, but please don't call me that. I don't chain smoke, listen to bad rap music, wear ghetto clothing, or drive a low-ride Honda Civic. I have no Asian pride.

Jose once said that I was a "white wannabe."

Now, I'd like to think that I transcend race, that I am my own man, a man beyond all that labeling bullshit, coming original into the 21st century. But no. I am just a "white wannabe."

Funny, I don't pretend to be white, and the one time I do hit the town So Cal white guy style (t-shirt, shorts, sandals), I get carded. See, I'm terrible as a white guy. Why would I ever wanna be a white guy if I'm not good at it?

Yes, I got carded when I went to see American Pie 2, despite the fact that I was surrounded by a bunch of horny 13-year-old boys…all white…and WITHOUT PARENTAL SUPERVISION.

Before the movie, I saw my first red trailer. If you don't know already, most movie trailers have a green introduction screen. This particular trailer had a red one. Why? Because it featured the word "shit," a topless girl, and a lesbian make-out scene between an old lady and a twenty-something female in its attempt to sell a Scary Movie-ish parody of teen movies directed by the longtime producer of the MTV Movie Awards. Naturally, the red trailer played to a huge pop from the audience.

Am I the only person getting tired of seeing the Lord Of The Fellowship Of The Ring trailer? Enough!

In American Pie 2, the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor looks strangely like UCLA, kinda like how in Legally Blonde, Harvard University looks strangely like UCLA. Ha, ha. UCLA wannabes…

I enjoyed American Pie 2's use of every single popular rock song from the past six months ("Fat Lip," "Flavor Of The Weak," "Hashpipe," "Hit Or Miss," "Smooth Criminal," "Want You Bad") as well as the not-so-subtle placement of Pepsi products, including the red Mountain Dew. Good job, Universal!

I may have little or no sex drive, but I have to admit that I want on Alyson Hannigan like an electric chair in Texas. Boy, I'd like to fuck the band geek outta her, and in 4/4 time! That'll be one time at band camp that she'll never forget. Oh man… Dopey women are so fucking hot. Let me be your bitch, Alyson!

By the way, why isn't my Alyson decked out in a bikini on the cover of the new Rolling Stone along with the other three girls of American Pie 2? It's a publishing travesty. I mean, who wants to see Mena Suvari and that mangled-ass face of hers in a bikini? Give me Alyson or give me another magazine to jack off to!

The new Rolling Stone is a special issue featuring the Hot List, as opposed to Rolling Stone's Cool List and Entertainment Weekly's It List. Just how much heat-seeking crap is out there for the media to profile? Last last year's "It Guy" Hayden Christensen is this year's "Hot Actor." Go figure.

Actually, the 2001 Hot List is very well-compiled, showcasing, among other things, "Hot Video Director" Marc Klasfeld (my current favorite), "Hot Dynamic Duo" Tenacious D, and "Hot Band" Jimmy Eat World.

I love Jimmy Eat World. I guess you could say that I'm a JEW slut too. In fact, I'm going to their sold-out show at the El Rey on Monday. Whoo!

Also on the Hot List are hookahs, the "Hot Pipes." Says Rolling Stone, "Clusters of hookah smokers can now be seen at sidewalk cafes in Westwood, California." Yes. Clusters of rowdy Muslim guys can indeed be seen at sidewalk cafes in Westwood blowing flavored tobacco smoke in my face as I stand in line to buy cookies.

The best quote on the Hot List comes from "Hot Nerd" Seth Green: "Not to boo-hoo for me, but there was no fitting in when I was a kid. My name was Seth. Plus, I was really obnoxious." Haha.

Finally, sources tell billboard.com that Weezer will kick off a long-awaited North American headlining tour September 6 with fellow Interscope labelmates (and Fred Durst pet project) Cold supporting through September 29. Look, I understand that this is a golden opportunity for Interscope to expose a lesser-known band, but…Cold? Bad move. Geek rock and hard rock don't mix. I tell you, Cold will be booed off stage at every show. Fuck Cold! All hail JEW!

Spoken like a true "white wannabe."

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