Reptile Dysfunction

If I can be serious for a minute, I have a new favorite wrestler: Lance Storm. Canadians rule.

The US leg of Madonna's Drowned world tour kicks off Saturday in Philadelphia, and guess who gets to meet her today at rehearsal for the show? Jose the journalist.

Every year, I get off on predicting who will perform live at the MTV Video Music Awards. I know it's lame, but I'm actually really good at it. Here are my predictions of who will probably perform live at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards:

Alicia Keys
Alien Ant Farm
Destiny's Child
Michael Jackson
Sum 41

People who wear clothing with any sort of marijuana reference on it are stupid asses. Smoking marijuana is one thing. Going around in public advertising that you're a pothead is another. Michael Jackson doesn't wear clothing with pictures of little boys on it, does he?

The UCLA housing office is about to launch a service called "My Housing," where you can pay for housing online, and to commemorate the next evolution in housing payments, the higher-ups decided to order a bunch of slinkies, slinkies with the words "My Housing" and a URL printed on them. What a stupid fucking idea.

Every slinky I've ever had lasted no more than a week. It's like toy makers design slinkies to warp after several uses. Ah, who the fuck cares? Slinkies are stupid fucking toys anyway. Kinda like female UCLA students.

Creed's album Human Clay was just certified "diamond," having sold 10 million copies in America. I guess 10 million people CAN be wrong.

I finally got another Wrestlepalooza smack (like anybody cares)! It's from Henry Freedland and it's on the tag team championship TLC match:

"I…must…let…out…all…of…my…pent…up…aggression. I mean, come on. Follow in SETH'S fuckin' footsteps for your whole life and then see how sane you are. I swear, I will kill every motherfuckin' one of you who has ever called me "Seth's Little Brother." You'll be beggin' the Freedland Bros. for mercy, yes you will; Seth has honed his cheap-ass wrestling moves on me for years and I know how to use 'em even better, you cocksuckers. My shorter (if older) brother and I will beat you senseless the Hebrew Way. We will rip off your heads and shit down your necks! I swear to…uh…Adam Riff™ (close enough, right?) that I WILL get revenge on all of you chode-eaters who dared to CALL ME SETH. WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA…WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA…WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Brotherly love.

I'm going to see onelinedrawing at the El Rey tonight. I've heard good things about the band and I hope they deliver. Tomorrow, I have to volunteer six hours at the American Cancer Society for my "biology of cancer" class (it's a requirement), and then I'll review America's Sweethearts. Sunday, I have to write a six-page paper comparing Conrad's Heart Of Darkness and Baldwin's "Sonny's Blues." The paper is due Wednesday but I have to turn it in on Tuesday because Tuesday night, I have to catch a red-eye flight (with a stop-over in Las Vegas) to Philadelphia where Wednesday, I will attend the Y100 Feztival and see Weezer for the second time this year. Thursday, Jose and I will hit up New York City for two days, where we're scheduled to dine at WWF New York, watch Planet Of The Apes, and see some lame-O show called Rent, among other things. Finally, Saturday morning at 7 AM, I fly back to Los Angeles just in time for finals week. Whoo! Let's pray that Jonathan Yu's second outing to the east coast goes a little bit smoother this time. We all know what happened on the 8th grade trip to Washington D.C.

It's promo time! Today, we add WWF superstar The Rock to the list of key elements of a special event post in the works that already includes WankerCounty and Laetitia Casta. Can you smell what Jonathan Yu is cookin'?

He is a six-time World Wrestling Federation champion. He sings. He raps. He acts. His favorite drink is a jack and Diet Coke. He is…The Rock. The 6'5" 275-pounder from Miami, Florida, "indefinitely suspended" from the WWF after Wrestlemania X-Seven to film The Scorpion King (the prequel to The Mummy), shall return to the ring in August to layeth the smacketh down on loser jabronis everywhere. Now, I understand that some of you may not like The Rock, but it doesn't matter what you think! Go drink yourself a nice tall glass of shut up juice because I'll be damned if Dwayne Johnson is not the most electrifying man in sports entertainment, or entertainment in general. Welcome to The Rock.

Which is the most unnecessary movie trilogy?
(out of 19 votes)
Crocodile Dundee • 1 vote • 5%
The Crow • 1 vote • 5%
Free Willy • 8 votes • 42%
Home Alone • 3 votes • 16%
House Party • 0 votes • 0%
Major League • 0 votes • 0%
Neverending Story • 0 votes • 0%
Pokémon • 3 votes • 16%
Problem Child • 2 votes • 11%
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles • 1 vote • 5%
Dammit! I forgot The Mighty Ducks!

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