Teenage Mutant Ninja Turdpile

I want my own boy.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

You know how black guys and white guys who act like black guys always talk about their boy? "My boy Bob and I got fuckin' wasted last night!" Well, I want a boy, and I want his name to be Duncan, and I want to be able to go around telling people about my exploits with Duncan.

"My boy Duncan and I, we…we shredded paper today with a paper shredder. But my boy Duncan was all faded and shit from downin' too much Kool-Aid and so he starts bumpin' Simon and Garfunkel and singin' along to it karaoke-style and I was like, 'Deez nuts be rockin' dis muthafuckin' joint!' and my boy Duncan was like, 'Fo' sho!'"

Q: Where does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalog.

Cantonese has got to be the least sexiest language in the world. German is sexier than Cantonese. When I hear Cantonese spoken, I don't feel like making love; I feel like buying a roasted duck from the toothless old lady on a Chinatown street corner.

"I'm all down for changing the name of the internet to 'life-sucking vortex.'" – Andy

Note to my readers: stop asking me about who the fuck Adam Riff™ is. I don't know. Adam Riff™ is a guy…who I don't know. I think I may have saw him once at a performance of a one-act play I directed last year. I also remember seeing a photo of him in a yearbook. It was weird though because the student photographs went from top to bottom instead of left to right. Anyway, Adam Riff™ is the Keyser Söze of my world. I honestly don't know who he is. What I do know is that the number one search engine keyword referrer to my website is "Adam Riff™ time." Doesn't that sound cool? What time is it? It's ADAM RIFF™ TIME!

Seriously though, what time is it? It's time for…Jonathan Yu's mailbag!

Tony from Royal Oaks, MI asks, "Is it true that you live next door to Ryan Malatesta?"

Yes, Tony. I am neighbors in my dormitory with Ryan Malatesta. You wanna make somethin' of it?

This has been…Jonathan Yu's mailbag!

Links:
go • am i going down?
go • amish heat
go • bodyperks
go • dictionary of difficult words
go • heaven's fantasy
go • janet reno is hot
go • stop sex offenders!
go • under-ease
go • virtual stapler
go • wondrous vulva puppets

Which state do you hate the most?
(out of 49 votes)
California • 4 votes • 8%
Florida • 0 votes • 0%
Michigan • 0 votes • 0%
Mississippi • 2 votes • 4%
Montana • 1 vote • 2%
New Jersey • 1 vote • 2%
Texas • 42 votes • 84%
Let me guess. You hate Texas, right?

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