Confessions of a Kleptomaniac

Hey, I'm back! Sorry about my lapse into reverse senioritis. I had a bad case of hemorrhoids, and it's really quite difficult to sit at your computer for long periods of time when your anus is swelling.

Wrestlepalooza version 2.0 is up. Part 3 of the show has been posted and parts 1 and 2 have been edited to include wrestling move footnote definitions for the uninclined plus never-before-seen material including a lame backstage interview with Josh "the carnivore" Karlin-Resnick himself.

In the brand-spanking-new Goodies department, we have secured not one, but four MPEG videos of "child beatings" for you to enjoy, courtesy of our friend Intek. Watch as Intek beats his brother silly. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll come to the conclusion that Intek is one sadistic motherfucker. Also, due to limited server space (I know, Geocities sucks. I'm gonna switch servers when my contract expires this summer.), former goodies are no longer available online. They were dropped to make room for the "child beatings" series. However, there's a list of former goodies on the Goodies page, along with Rory's e-mail address and IMSN, so you can harass him for old shit, and he'll gladly send it to you.

Now, let's talk about me some more.

I opened the Daily Bruin on Friday to see that one of the feature editorials was entitled "Ladies, it's high time you became friends with your clitoris." What happened to reparations for slavery?

I went to see Moulin Rouge on Friday and never have I been surrounded by so many gay men, if you discount my little tryst with the UCLA marching band.

Dave Matthews Band tonight, if traffic actually moves!

I was giving a special housing tour for Academic Advancement Program students on Saturday and I kinda got lost. While trying to find my way, a guy in my group asked me what my major was. I told him that I was undeclared. His response? "Oh, you must really be lost then."

This is how bad of a son I am. My mother had surgery to excise a tumor in her neck last Thursday, and I just found out about it on Sunday.

I was watching Wheel Of Fortune last night and I realized that it has been on television for a long ass time. Do you know that Pat Sajak has hosted the show for over a third of his life? A third of his life! For God's sake, the guy's 55 and he doesn't look a day older than he did when he began hosting the show in the mid-1970s. I swear, Pat Sajak is a fuckin' robot, a creepy, creepy robot, like Christine Todd Whitman.

And what is Vanna White still doing on Wheel Of Fortune? She's obviously not there for her looks anymore, and nowadays, she's doesn't even turn the letters. Her job, if you can call it that, is to push buttons on computer monitors and clap. Here's an idea: why not have the computer monitors reveal the letters?

Comedian Denis Leary has a bit where he explains why Jeopardy always precedes Wheel Of Fortune in that after getting your ass kicked playing along with Jeopardy, you can feel like a genius playing along with Wheel Of Fortune.

"The board reads 'M_SS_SS_PP_' and the contestant goes, 'Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel.' Dumbass."

What happened to Wheel Of Fortune? When did it become the celebration of the 'tards? I remember when it used to be simple – three categories (person, place, thing) and one objective (solve the puzzle). Today, Wheel Of Fortune is a gimmicky mess, with this "jackpot" and "puzzler" shit, and ridiculous themes like "racial slur" and "Hindi pick-up line." What's more, the wheel itself looks all mangled and shit with the barrage of special slots the producers have jammed onto it. What's up with that?

It bugs me how the dopes on Wheel Of Fortune can win a shitload of money when contestants on actual quiz shows like Jeopardy and Millionaire struggle to win half the Wheel's payoff. I've always said that the best game show on television is Hollywood Squares because all you have to do is say "I agree" or "I disagree," and you can walk away ten times richer.

Somewhere out there, Merv Griffin is having a good laugh. Who knew a live-action version of Hangman could be so profitable?

There are two, count 'em, two homeless guys in Westwood. Bum number one is an Irish guy who walks around town listening to his Walkman and approaching passersby with the same phrase EVERY TIME: "Excuse me, can I get some money to buy a hamburger at McDonald's?" First of all, there is no McDonald's in Westwood, and secondly, subsisting on hamburgers alone can't possibly be good for your health. Bum number two is a black guy whose strategy is to get all chummy-chummy with you, you know, comment on how perfect a couple you and your loved one make, and THEN hit you up for money. Folks, this is what I have to deal with when I roam around Westwood with my girlfri…never mind.

Why is it that you always push a door to get into a public restroom and pull to get out? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

There are a lot of funny guys in the world named Adam Epstein.

Wheel Of Links:
go • belt sander drag racing
go • arrest a friend
go • differences in the male and female orgasm
go • girls with braces
go • hollywood 48 hour miracle diet
go • how to good-bye depression
go • lucky
go • nori
go • pac-man is about racism
go • a prince in search of a princess
go • a self-test for cocaine addiction
go • send me to the university of washington
go • stupid roommate tricks

Who the fuck is Adam Riff™? (out of 248 votes)
a senior at Palo Alto High School • 1 vote • 0%
your mom • 6 votes • 2%
a robot (his love is real, but he is not) • 32 votes • 13%
Jonathan Yu's porn star name • 205 votes • 82%
MY HERO! • 5 votes • 2%
Well, at least we know that Adam Riff™ is definitely NOT a senior at Palo Alto High School.

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