Jon: Well, it's over. The winner of Jonathan Yu's Stupid Little Oscar® Game 4 is…not gonna be announced right now. First, I'd like to thank everybody who played for making this year's SLOG the most successful one ever, with a record turnout of 36 contestants.
Rory: Stella Zubeck, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Jon: Hehe. Stella was the only person to not pick Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon for best foreign film. I should be surprised, but then I remember she goes to Cal, so everything makes sense.
Rory: Stupid fuckin' hippie!
Jon: Now, now, Rory. Don't make fun of our contestants. They're good people, except for Rory Brown.
Rory: Rory! That's my name!
Jon: Yes, Hornblower, I know. Moving on, what did you think of the Oscar® show?
Rory: I really liked the Britney Spears performance.
Jon: That was a Pepsi® commercial, dumbass.
Rory: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh, the joy of Pepsi…
Jon: [slaps Rory] Seriously, what did you think of the show?
Rory: Too many chinks, not enough Britney!
Rory: And what the fuck is up with all these movies about Jews winning best documentary every year?
Jon: Rory, are you drunk?
Rory: Seig Heil! Seig Heil!
Jon: Uhhh, while my partner is temporarily inebriated, I'm gonna talk. I thought the show was good. Steve Martin was funny. Yo-Yo Ma was the shit. I must say though that this whole 2001: A Space Odyssey thing is not particularly amusing anymore.
Rory: No more Jews! Just big boobs!
Jon: Excuse me a second. [to Rory] SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU BRITISH CACK! [pause] So now then. Thank God I "graduated" with the class of 2000, because I wouldn't be able stand hearing people constantly tying my year to that stupid movie.
Rory: Come my lady. Come, come my lady. Be my buuuuu…
Jon: And why does Russell Crowe always reference Jamie Bell in public? It's like they're lov-
Jon: Okay, that's it. [gets up and kicks Rory in the nuts repeatedly] Now, where was I? Oh yeah. It's like they're gay lovers or something. So that's why he left Meg Ryan…
Rory: I…la…I…I…lo…I love you, man!
Jon: I love myself too. Which reminds me – I appreciate Derek, Josh, and Martin for sucking up to me in their acceptance speeches, but look, I already have the ego of a saxophone player. It can't possibly get any bigger. Thanks anyway.
Rory: Am I not merciful?! AM I NOT MERCIFUL?!
Jon: You cocksucker! [sigh] Let's wrap it up. Thank you again to everybody who played. Please come back next year, when I know most of you will be broke college students in dire need of money (hehe). Until then, you can play Jonathan Yu's Stupid Little Oscar® Game 4 Acceptance Speech Fun or just visit my website frequently to read it for the articles. And the winner is…