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Al Gore acquitted of all charges of Presidential victory

Breaking news: the earth is round

George W. Bush executes decision
Texas Governor decides to "preserve."
Bush: "It's what you do when you run for President. You gotta preserve."

Breaking news: Mandy Moore has an opinion

Joe Lieberman takes a vacation
"Don't look at me. I'm not the one without a job."

Breaking news: there is no breaking news

President visits Hanoi, addresses Vietnamese
"I've seen the horror. Horrors that you've seen. Just kidding! He he he. I kinda, well, dodged the draft. You know what I have seen though – Hillary's vagina. The horror, the horror."

Speaking of Hillary's vagina…
Election things that sound dirty but really aren't:
Bush boil
dangling chad
hand count
Dick Cheney
too close to call

Breaking news: Hillary breaks silence, hip
"My vagina is not dirty. It's just dusty."

Tom Green hosts Saturday Night Live
Canadian comedian fulfills lifelong dream of hosting popular television show of unfunny sketches
Correction: he's already done that

Bush prematurely celebrates victory with a six-pack of beer and a joyride in Kennebunkport, Maine

CNN regrets jumping the gun in election coverage
"We've made mistakes in our life, but we're proud to tell you we've learned from those mistakes."

Florida state citizens even stupider than Florida State students
19,000 ballots disqualified after hundreds of residents mistakenly voted for Elián Gonzalez while trying to cast their ballot for Democrat Al Gore
Jeff Probst brought in to tally the votes in Palm Beach County
Oregon to Florida: "Florida, Florida, Florida. Who do you think you are trying to steal our title of 'Most Retarded Population'?"

Green party wins 5 percent of green party vote

Janet Reno's sexuality too close to call

Other things Al Gore plans to fight:
Andrew Golota
the spread of genital herpes
for his right to paaaaarty
chickens
the urge to masturbate in public

Pat Buchanan wins Election
Reform party candidate pleased to own copy of critically-acclaimed 1999 movie

Rick Lazio blames loss to Hillary on the workings of a vast right-wing conspiracy

Socialist party loses as planned

Walter Mondale to fight election result in Minnesota
"I don't think I won that state either."

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