mi 2 (3 of 2)

I hate to write any more about Michigan, but I saw a news article that warrants mention.

8 Mile Rapper Shot, Recovering
"Ali Miyzaan, 26, said he was shot about 11:30 PM November 8 in the parking lot of Phoenix Theaters, which is on Eight Mile road in Detroit."

DUDE!!! I was AT the Phoenix around 11:30 PM on November 8! To think, if I wasn't inside waiting in line for 8 Mile with Eric, I could have seen a guy get shot! DAMMIT!

mi 2 (2 of 2)

Jon | Rory | Anthony

When I told people I was going to Detroit for a weekend, I received one of three responses:
1. WTF?
2. Don't get shot.
3. It's really cold there! Bring a jacket!

My mother seems to think that the sun doesn't exist. Every time I tell her that I'm traveling someplace, she always tells me "It's really cold there! Bring a jacket!" even if I'm going to, like, Phoenix. I've been all over the country this year (on my parents' money) for ridiculously short periods of time visiting people I met online and all my parents seem to care about is whether or not I bring a jacket with me.


Apparently, people in the motor suburbs like to rake fallen leaves into giant piles that line the curbs outside their houses, making it incredibly difficult to find parking. Don't you think convenient parking spaces should take precedence over good looking front yards? I mean, it's almost December in the northeast. Why bother cleaning up the mess on your lawn? Sooner or later, snow's gonna come and cover it all anyway!


If you've ever driven on a freeway during a rainstorm, don't the raindrops on your car windows look like a bunch of sperm swimming around?


I was convinced that there was no good way to sleep on an airplane in coach until I saw this in a SkyMall catalogue:

Can you imagine sitting next to somebody with one of these things, especially if he or she is in the middle?

It's like resting your head on a giant titty.


On the plane flight back to Los Angeles, I sat in a window seat next to an old black lady and her grandson. The grandson, who looked to be about 12, was an angry little fellow whose entire vocabulary consisted of a few imperative statements.

Grandmother: You want something to eat?
Grandson: SHHH! BE QUIET!
Grandmother: You want some chips?
Grandson: BE QUIET!
Grandmother: You want to play Game Boy?
Grandson: SHUT UP! I'M-A CALL THE COPS! THEY GON BEAT YO ASS!
Grandmother: Boy, watch your mouth!
Grandson: SHHH! BE QUIET!
[repeat over and over throughout the three-and-a-half hour flight]

I now have a sense of what Mike Tyson was probably like as a child.


So…um…Tony Fader (my hero) gave me his stuffed panda bear.

WHAT? He…he GAVE YOU the BEAR?

Yeah.

But…I found it!

But…you didn't go to Michigan this time around!

WHERE IS IT?

On my bed.

Bastard!

I can't believe you've been back here three days and never told me about the bear! You know how much I love it!

Well, Tony DID give the bear to ME to hold in MY arms…to love and to cherish…in sickness and in

ENOUGH! Some friend you are…

Wh-where are you going?

Up to Berkeley to get a couch from the other Anthony!

Heh. Good luck…

mi 2 (1 of 2)

I just got back from Michigan and have a lot to talk about. I wrote some notes down on my hand. Let's see here…

Look
If you had one shot
One opportunity

Sorry. Wrong hand.


Stoopid Robot: so if this post involves Eminem, i'm not reading your site anymore
Horny Rornblower: well
Horny Rornblower: um…
Horny Rornblower: goodbye?
Stoopid Robot: god damn
Stoopid Robot: i knew it


I saw 8 Mile opening night at a theatre on 8 Mile. Actually, I saw it at the only theatre on 8 Mile — the Detroit part of 8 Mile, mind you. I had previously never been frisked upon entering a movie theatre. Moreover, the Wankers and I notwithstanding, everybody there was black. I had fun though.

After the movie, we dragged our asses back across 8 Mile to "evil middle class white people land" and ate pancakes.


Rory and I came up with some potential 8 Mile sequels:

8 Legged Mile
Eminem's gigantic ego terrorizes the mass media.

8 MMile
Nicolas Cage obtains footage of an Eminem video that doesn't involve brooding darkness or him acting out lyrics.

8 Mile with Conan O'Brien
Hey, NBC remade Carrie

The 405
The traffic on the San Diego Freeway symbolizes the psychological dividing line that separates Eminem from where he wants to be.

8 Mile in a Duffel Bag
The story of Kim Mathers.

Tony Hawk's Pro Sk8 Moile:
A movie the whole 12-24 demographic can enjoy!

Statutory 8 Mile
Eminem loves his daughter.

1984 Mile
In a brutally stifled society of blackspeak and two minutes hate, Marshall is made to "love the Free World."


I saw the following on a sign in the Tower Records in Birmingham: "free bag with every purchase."


I also saw a bunch of dry cleaners in Michigan that named themselves after how much they charge ($2.99 Dry Cleaners, $2.29 Dry Cleaners). Is it really a good idea to include a price in the official name of your business? What if you owned $1.99 Dry Cleaners and I opened up $1.98 Dry Cleaners right across the street? You're pretty much fucked then, aren't you? You can't just lower the price, because according to the phone book and business cards and the lighted marquee outside your store, you charge $1.99 for dry cleaning! Of course, you could spend a couple thousand renaming your place something like $1.97 Dry Cleaners, but I could just as easily rename my place $1.96 Dry Cleaners and fuck with you all over again.

untitled

Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.


"The trip to Detroit along I-75 takes you between the dense gray spires of an oil refinery and the old petrochemical facility Zug Island, a lump of toxins that ranks among the most polluted spots in the U.S. Downtown, the train station on Michigan Avenue is a giant shell of concrete and broken glass. The clock on the CPA Building has been stuck at 10:55 for years. Fifteen hundred properties are officially designated for destruction, with nearly 10,000 more abandoned and deemed 'dangerous,' looming ruins from the most notorious white flight of the last century. It's as close to a ghost town as any American city gets. In other words, it's fucking cool."
— Chuck Klosterman in the November 2002 issue of Spin


series finale



I see a lot of people wearing U of M merchandise around UCLA. Most people, of course, wear UCLA merchandise, a few have Berkeley or SD shit, and then there's this noticeable contingent of people representing for the University of Michigan. I can't explain it. The only connection I can make between the two schools is that Asian people from California flock to both their engineering programs.

Not one to be myself, I went and bought a Michigan hoodie, and I love it. In fact, when I recently went to renew my driver's license, I wore it at the photo booth so that in the future, when I write a check or get pulled over by a cop, they'll say, "Oh. You went to U of M?" and I can say, "HELL NO!!! I WENT TO UCLA, MUTHAFUCKA!"

Photos!


Decisions, decisions


"Dump your GameCube. What you need is a Game BOY!" said Matt to Jon Wilcox


Wilcox and his mom


"Get your own weed, Jram."


Nobody told Robert that his girlfriend was on her period


OOH these bitches are hot!


Something bad happens to Jon Yu's penis


Tony and Jord get ready for school


"Trade you clothes!" / "Okay."


Group photo

Closing Comments
My final impression of Michigan? Well, Robert was taking us to Detroit Metro and we had just passed the Roeper School for Albino Hemophiliacs when I spotted the only car in Michigan with an Arizona license plate on it in the other lane. Robert honked and got Jordan's attention and asked him what he was doing driving around Birmingham during school hours and he replied, "I just went to Roeper to steal all their pencils."

[pause]

Yeah. That was my final impression.

You sure about that? Because my final impression of Michigan was having to explain to airport security why my friend tried to steal the defibrillator on the wall of the Southwest terminal.

Haha. I forgot about that.

Haha, my ass! We almost didn't make it on the plane because of you!

Presentation
The combination of poor FMVs, zero story value, poor character design, and a "vacation" theme is rather a shocker. The focus was clearly on gameplay only.
6.0
Graphics
It's fast and furious, but still has some so-so background work. That said, most of the up-close visuals are great, but past that everything is average.
8.0
Sound
Gets the job done, but not very well. Tony's impromptu song parodies prove more annoying than catchy. Decent selection of cute sound effects.
6.0
Gameplay
Single-player mode gets old pretty fast, but the multiplayer mode is forever brilliant.
9.0
Lasting Appeal
15 hours and you're probably done. It's satisfying while it lasts, but people will still want more. The multiplayer mode is great, but doesn't totally make up for the single's decidedly short run. Only the most hardcore of fans will play through it twice.
8.0
OVERALL SCORE (not an average) 8.5

the end
thanks to nadia, colin, the wankers, and jon wilcox for making this series possible
coming soon: adam riff™ vs. japan and seattle

untitled

Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

wrestlepaloozer: [sigh] I'm so fucking sick of writing about Michigan.
Jram Royal:
Jram Royal: YOU WILL CONTINUE TO WRITE ABOUT MICHIGAN
Jram Royal: AND THEN GO TO HELL


episode 6



Sorry… I couldn't resist.

Person who actually lives in the city of Detroit: I actually live in the city of Detroit.
Me: Good for you. Go listen to techno.

People who actually live in the city of Detroit seem to love telling other people that they actually live in the city of Detroit and not one of its less derelict surrounding suburbs.

I can't believe we conned someone into driving us up and down 8 Mile just so we could say that we've visited a fuckin' road.

Dude, we didn't visit just any "fuckin' road"; we visited the Mason-Dixon Line of Detroit!

Looked like a fuckin' road to me. A big long boring stretch of pavement. I sure hope the movie of its namesake is a helluva lot more interesting. What say you, AICN?

"Several scenes of the movie take place in an underground club called 'The Shelter' where freestyle hip-hop battles take place (i.e. rappers are timed 45 seconds and whichever one disses (craps on) the other one the best with his skills is the winner, winning gives you street cred, street cred is supposed to get you a record deal)."

"There's also a bit where Rabbit [Eminem's character] comes to the defense of a gay guy, which is either an ironic gag or a blatant bit of spin control on Eminem's part (or I guess it might be his way of 'explaining' his seemingly homophobic tendencies — the scene does draw a distinction between 'gays' and 'faggots' for whatever that's worth)."

Wow. People who actually live in the city of Detroit are also, apparently, gay-bashing homophiles who crap their way to success in the basement of St. Andrew's Hall.


You better lose yourself in the music, the moment…because this screenplay sucks.

Great lakes, Batman! Conan does not air after Leno in Detroit! You'd think that the NBC affiliate in a major market like Detroit would follow suit and air Conan after Leno, but Conan airs when Carson's supposed to air, and you know what airs between Leno and Conan? Jerry fuckin' Springer, three years past his peak. What's up with that? At least Comedy Central re-airs Conan episodes now at reasonable hours so Detroiters don't have to sit through Springer's sorry ass show to get to the good shit.


Local 4 is a great channel…for me to poop on.



White Castle is the Del Taco of the east coast. Cheap food for white trash.

I've been to a couple White Castles now, and I've noticed that they only seem to hire stupid black people. Yes, at White Castle, stupid black people serve stupid white people. It's more demeaning than slavery, really — it's what-you-cravery! I guess they call it "White Castle" because even white trash can feel like kings there.


One of the most common violations of comedy is the overextension of a joke.

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

Austin Powers movies are prime offenders. Mike Myers can absolutely kill a joke with comic overtiming.

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

I have a tendency to beat dead jokes myself.

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

But a good comedian knows when to stop.

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.
Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.
Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.
Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.
Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.
Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

Ahem. I SAID…a good comedian knows when to STOP!

Juan Wilcox:

That's better.

We were at Eric's house and he had some friends over. One of them once ran around downtown Birmingham wearing nothing but a thong and reminded me of vanilla. Anyway, Rory and I were about to leave when vanilla thong boy suddenly fell on the floor, grabbed his head, and started flopping around while repeatedly screaming "brain fart." At first, I thought he was having a seizure, but it soon became clear that vanilla thong boy was trying to amuse us. Unfortunately, his act wasn't very amusing to begin with, made worse by the fact that he continued to pretend-seize and scream "brain fart" for a good two minutes, not once breaking character.

I have a friend who thinks it's funny to say "that's prison lingo, right?" even though anything can be construed as sexual innuendo. Every time we hang out, I hear that line used at least twice and groan on the inside…of my rolling eyeballs. I want to shake her and tell her that it's extremely lame, but see, to her, it IS funny, and around the right people, it can still draw laughs.

The overextension of a joke WILL work if (and only if) both parties find it amusing. For example, in Michigan, I was subjected to a barrage of variations on the line "girl, you a tampon!" While I didn't think this particular viagrated joke was that funny, it consistently elicited some semblance of laughter because the source and the sink of the joke was the same group of people.

Girl, you an enzyme-substrate complex!

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

That's prison lingo, right?

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

it never ends…

untitled

Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

Kinda hypocritical of Kid Rock to be all pro-America when you know the minute he turned 19, he was off to Canada to get wasted.


episode 5

where's my snare?

i have no snare in my headphones

there you go

yeah

yo
yo

traffic lights
dangerously suspended above you
from wires
subject to the wind
like your dick
when you don't wear underwear
when there's nothing under there
when you just don't fucking care
when you let your pubic hair
breathe

oh you breathe all right
windows rolled down
sunroof ajar
you let the tree exhaust overwhelm you
because it's good air
because the trees are there
for a reason
trees everywhere
more trees than the rainforest could ever need
you hide in these trees
you hide from the black man
hide in your brick house
seclude yourself in the back room watching eva
with your friends outside
and your pets by your side
roaming freely
two dogs
one cat
hamsters and a ferret
you would have lions and tigers as well
but you don't live where the black man lives
oh no
and when he comes, you will drive away
you will "night time" him and drive away in your american car
your ford
your explorer probe taurus
speeding down crooks road
headed someplace safe
like denny's
because denny's doesn't serve black people
and because the big boy has bad coffee

it is 1:00 a.m.
too late to do anything
too early to go home
too young to gamble
too tired to run for the border
you grow restless
because the midwest has
let you down
but this is the northeast
technically
there is a cat in the middle of the street
you consider running over it
giving the veins on the road some blood to flow through 'em
but you are a vegetarian
so you get on the highway listening to the stooges
no
"the biz vs. the nuge" is
what's playing
it is 1:00 a.m. and you are listening to the beasties
exit 69 onto big beaver
you miseryride down coolidge
reading street signs with fog lights
searching for purgatory
13 mph on 13 mile
right on southfield
unprotected left ahead
you park on the side of a curb in beverly hills
48025 not 90210
and fall asleep to the buzzing of cicadas
smoking a clove cigarette

cymbals crash
you wake and find that someone has put a blanket on you
your shirt is gone
your car window egged
fuckin' chaldeans
you look in the back for something to wear
but all you can find is a wife beater that's too large
with abba-zabba stains on it
you wear it anyway
and go get gas
at speedway
you watch a kid yell "get me the president" into his cell phone
as numbers on the pump increase to multiples of $1.39
and when all is said and done
you enter the mini-mart to buy red pop and apple juice
only to walk out and find your car across the street
in front of a panera
saran-wrapped to an impala
you quickly dispose of the plasticity
but now the headrests are gone
a red-and-blue-haired drama techie with a confederate flag painted on his face approaches you
golf club in hand
and the patriotic man says "you want your headrests back?"
and you say "ye"
and the patriotic man says "on __________ lives a wigger who's always playing counter-strike"
and the patriotic man says "sodomize him well"
and the patriotic man laughs
and lets out an audible fart
and you wonder if such northern barbarian ways are worth the trouble
but you love your car
and you can't live without it

welcome to the motor suburbs

Ironic how the Motor City has better traffic and air than the Happiest Place on Earth. The weather…is another story.

I actually saw people recycle in Michigan too, which is something I wish I could say about southern California. In fact, Tony goes so far as to recycle his pants.

Speaking of Tony (surprise, surprise), six people rode in Jram's five-passenger car one night, requiring one person to sit on the lap of the front side passenger. Rory rode on Jord's lap for a while and then it was my turn to be front side passenger with Tony as my passenger. Instead of sitting on my lap, however, he insisted on squeezing into the back with three other guys.

The raging boner I had probably didn't help.

to be continued

untitled

Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

in Danielle's car…
Radio: …so lick it now, lick it good / lick this pussy just like you should / my neck, my back / lick my pussy and my crack…
Jon's Internal Monologue: Did she just say…
Danielle: What the fuck! Not now, Rob! I'm trying to drive here! Put your seatbelt back on.
Jon's Internal Monologue: Is he…
Eric: I hate Andy Jacobs. Look at him smiling on that billbo—
Rory: Shhh! I'm trying to watch.
Danielle: ROBERT!!!
Jon's Internal Monologue: What in God's name is…
Radio: …it's getting hot in herre…
Jon's Internal Monologue: Oh no…


episode 4


Question: Where are the hills?

I grew up in the northern California suburb of Mountain View, and you can see mountains from within city limits. With Michigan's screwy weather, I don't expect to see any crop fields in Farmington Hills, but they could at least deliver on the "hills" part. Mountain View built its own hill outta garbage and turned it into an amphitheatre. If my hometown can do that, then Farmington Hills can surely grow some tits.


Same thing. ¿Dondé está los heights?


U of M = 2D Berkeley

It's like the original settlers in Michigan used a Monopoly board as their building plan.

You know what else in Michigan is nice and flat?



The stuffed panda bear in Tony Fader's basement.

Whaaa?

The night we had to sleep over at his house, I took the couch in the basement and there was no blanket so I grabbed this pillow-shaped stuffed panda bear and it was…..words can't describe how comfortable it was.

Okay…

I mean, this panda bear rivals Dave and Anthony's red couch in terms of comfortableness.


The couch from high school?

Yeah.

That was a pretty comfortable couch. You're telling me that some stuffed panda bear can melt my body the way that corduroy did?

YES. Plus, unlike the couch, I'm the only person who's ever had sex on the panda bear.

[pause] Is this why you insisted on staying over at Tony's house again two days later? So you could sleep with a panda bear?

Um…

You sick fuck.

What can I say? It's a comfortable panda bear! The only thing better would be the panda bear…on the red couch! Unph…

Dude, listen to yourself! You're obsessing over a stuffed animal!

I'm obsessing? Look who's talking, Mr. I-love-wrastling-and-verbally-fellating-WankerCounty!

What was that?

I'm not obsessed. I just know a good thing when I see one.


See? Jram likes the panda bear too.

to be continued

untitled

Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.


"NO!!! YOU DESERVE A SCENE! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GONNA SEE SPY KIDS!"
— some mom to her daughter outside the Birmingham Palladium


episode 3



The Main Art Theatre was voted "best place to see an independent film" by Metro Times readers in 2001, beating out "your living room" and "the Independent Film Channel" for the meaningless honor.

In addition, "the Main" (as the local kids call it) proudly serves Seattle's Best Coffee. [pause] And that would be…?

Folgers?

Ex-WankerCounty frontmen Anthony (my hero) and Matthew work at the Main. We decided to pay them a visit.

One thing about Tony…


Tony Fader is the Switzerland of moviegoers.

When we arrived at the Main, fellow Wankers Jord and Jram and Jord's cousin Eric stood loitering outside. I later learned that Jord and Eric are both seniors in high school.

Okay, now that disturbs me. Cousins should not be the same age…ever. Why? Because it means that two or more siblings basically plotted to go at it like rabbits simultaneously, and that's disturbing. How would you feel if you found out that during the same period in time, you and your sibling several years separated (or even worse, your twin) both tossed aside condoms and pills for some extensive sexual activity? And I don't mean general in-the-bed disco. I'm talking sex with a purpose. I'm talking major "get in that egg before the sun goes down, you goddamned sperm!" pelvic thrust action. Plus, in the case of Jord and Eric's parents, you know they were doing all this through a hole in a sheet. [shivers]

I think siblings must get competitive. They all know their mom wants grandkids, so they're competing for their mom's favor.

Yes, but what's more important: reproductive success or speed breeding? You think Mom wants to look after five retards and a gimp? Nooo…

Anyhow, Matt soon let us all in to loiter inside the theatre.

One of these is not like the others:
Frankie Badalucco
Giovanni Ribisi
Silvio Dante
Bruno Tysh

Wanker buddy Bruno Tisch Tysch Tysh (pronounced "nahasapeemapetilon") also works at the Main. What kind of cruel parents name their kid Bruno, especially if the surname is Tysh? When I hear the name Bruno, I think intimidating macho big dick tough guy construction worker. When you add the Tysh after it though, I suddenly feel like talking stocks over a round of golf in wine country. Total momentum killer! His name might as well be Bruno Quiche. Poor bastard… He looks like a Bruno, but he's saddled with Tysh for a last name. Might I suggest changing it to something more Bruno-philic? Tattaglia, perhaps? I mean, Steve Michaels did not make it big as "Stone Cold" Steve Liebowitz, and for a guy who thrives on attention, Bruno Tysh definitely ain't gonna cut it in primetime.


Bruno Tysh (…in the pink)

vs.


Bruno TATTAGLIA! Tysh [puts his head in his hands and sighs]

We continued to loiter inside the theatre until Tony, Matt and Bruno got off work. Then, we all headed off (actually, they all headed off, and Rory and I followed) to disturb the peace, or rather, this guy:

to be continued

untitled

Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

Jon: Can we go see the Joe Louis Arena?
Danielle: Why?
Jon: Because it's the fuckin' Joe Louis Arena! Home of the…um…the flying tire people…
Danielle: The Red Wings.
Jon: Right! The Red Wings.
Danielle: You really want to see the Joe Louis Arena? I mean, it's just a building.
Jon: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! The Cobo Arena is just a building. The Joe Louis Arena is…Joe Louis' arena! His legend, his soul, permeates every square foot of that hallowed athletic bastille! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, WOMAN?
Danielle: Get in the car.

moments after driving past the Joe Louis Arena and into downtown Detroit…
Jon: What's that statue over there?
Danielle: Oh that's Joe Louis' fist.
Jon: [pause] Who's Joe Louis?


episode 2



One of these is a German Michigan-based chain of warehouse-size convenience stores. The other is a Japanese snack food manufacturer. Can you guess which is which?

The Evil Axis lives!



Poor Pontiac Silverdome. Once upon a time, it hosted Wrestlemania III. 93,173 people — the largest indoor attendance for any event in history — packed the Silverdome to witness the infamous match in which Hulk Hogan took an alleged 700-pound Andre the Giant, pressed him over his head, and slammed him into the mat.

Nowadays, the Silverdome is lucky to host a high school football game. What's even sadder is that more people probably attend these high school games than Lions games.

I hear they're renting out Tiger Stadium for proms.


Let's face it — arts and wine festivals are lame. You go, you look at shit, you eat overpriced food, and then you leave — nothing you can't do at a mall. The organizers of Pontiac's annual Arts, Beats & Eats festival know this, and wisely decided to include popular musical acts to draw people in.

I know the only reason I went to Arts, Beats & Eats was to see Michelle Branch, fresh off her VMA win for "best new artist." She was scheduled to perform at 7:30 PM, but organizers pulled a bait and switch with the band scheduled to follow her, some band fronted by some loser no-name hockey player…something McCarty. Outraged, we left for



Stupid peg game… I'm Asian. Why can't I figure this thing out?

I'm-a start a chain of Nigger Barrels. 33% more soul in our food. Guaranteed.

But there's already Roscoe's!

Well, my restaurants will have chicken and waffles AND Aretha Franklin!

I see… And how do you plan on having Aretha Franklin at every restaurant?

Medium rare. 33%! Oh yes…

to be continued

untitled

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

"[Meg of the White Stripes] once worked as a bartender at a blues bar in the trendy northern Detroit suburb of Royal Oak."
— Chuck Klosterman in the October 2002 issue of Spin

Trendy suburb, eh?

Royal Oak: Hey, I can't help it if I'm trendy.
Jon: Oh? And what makes you so trendy? What makes you trendier than, say, Proletariat Oak?
Royal Oak: Charm, a rapier wit, and dashing good looks.
Jon: …
Royal Oak: What? You don't believe me? Why don't you come out here and see for yourself…bitch?
Jon: Fine. I think I will. I happen to know some of your little trendy suburbanites.
Royal Oak: Heh. Bring it on, Chinaman!


series premiere

In Michigan, I was the guy from California. Everywhere I went, I was introduced and/or recognized as "Jon from California." It's times like these that I wish I had grown up in New York. That way, I could visit Michigan over Labor Day weekend and have someone tell me, "Jon from New York, it's Saturday night!"



What would a trendy suburb be without a trendy teenage hangout? The National Coney Island restaurant chain bills itself as the home of Michigan's finest hot dog, and, in the case of its Royal Oak branch, Abercrombots.

Photos
+ Trendy Albanian bully eats a dick
+ "National" (as the local kids call it) mascot Mr. Pop prepares to re-enact the famous scene from American Pie

to be continued

i know what yu did last weekend

After spending Easter in Arizona, the Adam Riff™ Media Empire struck back Memorial Day weekend. It was a lot of fun. You should try it sometime.

I've seen WankerCounty Jord and his friends more than I've seen my parents this year.

The job of priests stationed in airports panhandling for starving African children can best be described as "the shit end of the stick." I feel for them like I feel for cops who have to ride bikes or control screaming teenage girls in Times Square.

With the exception of its Navajo region, Arizona does not observe Daylight Saving. Half of the year, the state operates on Mountain time, while the other half it goes by Pacific time. Television, however, is broadcast according to Central time year round. Gosh, I'd hate to live there and suck at math.

A bug bit me right above an artery or a vein (I can't tell) in the middle of my right wrist. Whenever I visit hot places, I get bug bites like whoa. I'm still waiting though for that overnight six-pack and 20/10 vision.

Jord dropped me off at Sky Harbor in the arrivals area.

On the flight back to Los Angeles, the pilot said: "in the event of a water evacuation over the desert…"

Jord's Catholic buddy Steve brought to my attention that the current issue of Teen People features an interview with Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman in which Christensen comes off like an idiot savant, minus the "savant" part. You can read the interview here.

untitled

originally published on WankerCounty as "JCVR: make sure you tell people to go fucking see the movie"


"There is so much Hatorade being drunk out there." – Fred Durst

More than any other film this summer, Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones will be judged — dollar for dollar, review for review — against the AMAZING Spider-Man.

[sigh]

Why couldn't AOTC have come out last year against The Mummy Returns?

While much of the ire at Phantom Menace was directed at Jar Jar Binks, he's not around long enough in AOTC to lope and shuffle his way into true, wholly annoying status. This apparently gave critics ample time to find other things that bugged them about the new movie.

Having seen the movie now, I would like address their complaints:STAR WARS MOVIES ARE ALL ABOUT BAD ACTING, CLUMSY DIALOGUE, AND KICKASS CGI, YOU FUCKSTICKS!!! GET IT IN YOUR HEADS!

That said, why DON'T we compare it to the AMAZING Spider-Man?

arachno vs. attack-clo
Spider-Man Attack of the Clones
synopsis: norman osborn is a misanthrope synopsis: who wants to kill senator amidala?
tobey maguire's junior-high-school-level acting hayden christensen's junior-high-school-minded character
kirsten dunst shows nipple while fighting bad guys with a purse natalie portman shows belly while fighting bad guys with a hair dryer gun thing
actor who plays lead villain was jesus actor who plays lead villain can be linked to anyone in hollywood in an average of 2.59 steps, three less than kevin bacon
bad guy flies around blowing shit up good and bad guys fly around blowing shit up, and not stupid shit like a military test site or a gondola station but cool shit like asteroids and spacecraft
cult figure vows to fight evil after watching "father" die while another cult figure vows to fight good after watching father die cult figure vows to fight good after watching mother die while another cult figure vows to fight good after watching father die
eight action sequences divided more or less evenly throughout the movie seven action sequences, four in the fourth quarter
fastest movie ever to gross $100 million (three days) and fastest movie ever to gross $200 million (nine days) first movie designed specifically for digital projection, thus handicapping its box office profits
gobby nicks spidey's forearm dooku cuts ani's whole fuckin' arm off
has michigan stank on it has california stank on it
"hero" song gives new meaning to the word "gay" sam jackson gives new meaning to the color purple
"i don't see how that's my problem." [groan] "i call it aggressive negotiations." [groan]
"i want to see spider-man. that looks really good," says christina applegate "i'm more excited about star wars, because star wars and raiders of the lost ark are two of the first movies i fell in love with," says THE ROCK
macy gray lip-synching to one of her songs unparalleled visual effects and sound
memorable appearances by j. j. jameson "memorable" appearances by jar jar binks
peter parker gets the girl with hard work and rejects her anakin gets the girl with little work…and fucks her to the result of two kids!
prominently features no black people did i mention sam jackson already?
relive the movie by buying cell phones, dr. pepper, and reebok shoes relive the movie by eating official star wars cereal and brandishing your very own purple light saber
spidey sense tingles the force whoops your ass

"it's all i have to give."
"don't mess with new york. you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us."
"the itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout. down came the goblin to take the spider out."
"i hate it when he does that"
"i've got a bad feeling about this."
"i've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life."
with great power, comes great responsibility with great power, comes a thursday release date
"you're taller in real life."
"i hunch."
blasted for its ridiculous love story
green goblin yoda
bonesaw yoda
the whole movie YODA

"We'll never see another Star Wars, no matter how much we want to," writes Kenneth Turan in the Los Angeles Times.

Dude, how many sequels re-capture the exact same magic of the first movie? You really think Matrix 3 will rock as hard as the first one? AOTC hits theaters 25 years after A New Hope. Of course it won't be the same! Deal with it. Have a clear conscience. You're gonna see the damn thing anyway.

You know what? Fuck this. Why am I letting critics get to me? These are people who earn money giving opinions, and I'm supposed to respect them? Who can't give an opinion on something? Who can't do that? WHO? Sheeit… Here's an opinion: wastes of life critics are.

In times like these, we can only rely on the judgment of one man, and one man alone. "Attack of the Clones is a lot of fun and there's a lot of great action sequences." God bless you, Richard Roeper.

tony fader is my hero 3

"black people are cooler than white people"


as seen on Yahoo!

This post is brought to you by warplayer and Ultimate Fights on DVD. For the first time, the most intense movie fights ever to appear on film have been brought together in one total overload of extreme action! You'll see the best fistfights, swordfights, street fights, gunfights, girl fights, gang fights, and martial arts fights from films like Gladiator, Scarface, Blade, Rumble in the Bronx, Snatch, The Killer, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, plus many more.


I have a little predicament.

Thursday night, I can see a free sneak preview of The Scorpion King or I can see a free screening of Human Nature, the new movie from the writer of Being John Malkovich and innovative director Michel Gondry, who last brought us the White Stripes' stop-motion lego video.

Last year, I attended the first public screening of The Mummy Returns. Maybe this will be the first public screening of The Scorpion King.

Then again, Michel Gondry will be at the Human Nature screening in person.

But it's The Rock!

[sigh] Decisions…decisions…

Help!


Current UCLA students wishing to enter the Film and Television major may only apply during the first four weeks of spring quarter of the sophomore year. To be considered for the major an applicant must:
• have a cumulative UC GPA of 3.0 or better at the time of application (check)
ï complete at least 90 quarter units prior to entry (check)
• satisfy your general education requirements prior to entry (check)
• submit an application package of supporting materials consisting of:
1) a change of major petition and the questionnaire for applicants
2) a copy of your UCLA degree progress report and an unofficial copy of your most recent UCLA transcript
3) two letters of recommendation along with the completed "waiver of access rights to letters of recommendation" form for each letter
4) a portfolio consisting of:
a) a personal essay (2 pages maximum), which should include a summary of your background, creative interests, academic and professional goals
b) a critical essay (3 pages maximum), which should be a critical analysis of a film or major television program
c) a creative writing sample (5 pages maximum), which may be a short story, play, script, poetry, or any combination
I've been talking about going to film school since forever and now that the time has come, I really don't feel like applying to college all over again. For one, I hate writing personal essays. I always feel dirty glorifying myself in print. Plus, two recommendation letters? What the fuck? I'm not in high school anymore. Here at UCLA, class sizes of 300 don't particularly allow me to get to know my professors on a personal basis. Who am I gonna get to write recommendation letters for me at this point in my life? TAs? Sheeit.


Would you pay $100 to get bruised, battered and tortured under an ungodly desert sun?

I would.

This past weekend, I flew out from Los Angeles to the Phoenix area to cavort with a coupla high school juniors for about 28 hours before returning home.

Yes, I spent 28 hours in Mesa, Arizona with Jord from WankerCounty and his buddies.

My Mom: Are you coming home for spring break?
Jon: No. I'm going to Arizona.
My Mom: Whaaa? Why are you going to Arizona?
Jon: I'm gonna meet a guy I know out there.
My Mom: What guy?
Jon: Some guy I met on the internet.

Keep in mind that I suffer from extreme social anxiety disorder. I have enough trouble interacting with relatives, let alone someone whom I know primarily through pixels, zeros and ones. I felt kinda awkward at times in Arizona, especially around Jord's friends, who treated me as if they knew who I was, despite never having talked to me before.

As of last July, I had never talked to any of the Wankers before. Eight months later, I'm sleeping in Jord's hot sister's bed…sans the hot sister.

My first impression of Jord? Damn, this guy has more hair on his face than I have on my entire body. With a little grooming, he'd look like Dashboard Confessional.

So Jord picks me up at the airport and spends the entire car ride back to his house ripping on my obsession with wrestling.

Jord: What's up with you and wrestling?
Jord: You realize it's fake, right?
Jord: At least on Friends, there are characters I can identify with.
Jord: I have some Scorpion King posters left over from the Lake Havasu trip. You can have them.
Jord: Wrestlemania X8 comes out for Gamecube soon.

He must have reminded me at least ten times during my short stay about the Wrestlemania X8 release date. This from a guy who once told me on AIM that "I watch wrestling sometimes……for the women," like he needed to defend his sexuality to me.

Okay, Jord. You win. I GET OFF ON THIS SHIT.

Seriously though, Jord's much more intelligent than he makes himself out to be. He told me that I was "the only Asian person in Arizona." I thought he was exaggerating. Nope.

Jord's father is scary. I'm glad I don't look anything like Yasser Arafat.

at Jord's friend Joe's house…
Joe's dad: So where are you from?
Jon: California.
Joe's dad: Oh we got a Hollywood guy here!
Born and raised in NORTHERN California, thank you very much.

Jord autographed a Scorpion King poster for me. I framed it and it's now on display in my room.

The hot dry cultivated wasteland really did a number on my body. Yet, most everyone I met in Arizona migrated there from another state. Go figure.

Jord's about to drive me to the airport when Farmboy Mike messages him.

Mike: Hey.
Jord: Yo.
Mike: Yu there?
Jord: Yee.

I completely forgot that while Mike lives in Washington, his body remains stuck in Arizona. The clock was ticking, so Jord thought we should meet at the airport. The three of us converged at the architectural wonder that is Sky Harbor and together, we formed Voltron! I WISH. In reality (to steal from Mike), I bought them smoothies, we discussed the lighter side of riots and voluntarily running into vending machines face-first, I gave them money for parking and I was on my way home.

What can I say about Mike? From what I'd seen and heard about him on the internet, I thought he'd be this brooding yuppie intellectual, but he's just a goofball with really kempt hair.


I envy Mike's ears. Envy is my sin.

I'm-a holiday in Seattle this summer. His ears will be mine.

So now then.

I paid $100 to visit the desert for one day. Last summer, I paid $300 to visit the tri-state area for three days…during the heat wave. Am I crazy? Maybe. These two trips, however, were probably the most enjoyable trips that I've taken so far in my life.

Hooray for reckless abandon.

Fuck itineraries. Fuck tourist attractions. I wanna do whatever. I impulsively decided to visit Arizona two weeks before spring break. If I planned ahead on anything, I couldn't honestly say that I spent Easter Sunday of 2002 in an open field in Jimmy Eat World's hometown being hit in the head with a stepping stool by a Jew while the 90-degree sun penetrated my short hair to char my scalp. Whoo!

Yeah. I had a lot of fun.

And it was all captured on tape.

the persistence of lot 190

"film at 11"

I couldn't resist.

Orange County Wanker County
named after a rich white bankrupt wasteland in southern california named after peg bundy's (married with children) hometown, a poor white trash wasteland
from the team behind tv's freaks and geeks did you see the webcams?
produced in association with mtv films produced in association with the mtv generation
written by mike white written by white kids
the father of the movie head co-wrote the screenplays for star wars: episode vi — return of the jedi and raiders of the lost ark, a movie about indiana jones, a man who hates nazis the father of the site head kinda looks like an ewok and (allegedly) hates communists
soundtrack features new music by the offspring and foo fighters two words: summer jam
a high school guidance counselor accidentally sends in the wrong transcript to a college under the name of an over-achieving high schooler over-achieving high schoolers work on sending in the right transcripts to colleges
cast includes tom hanks' son colin and jack black, a wild and crazy jew who spends a lot of the movie half-naked and steals the show whenever he pops up staff includes the son of a man in the entertainment industry and a wild and crazy jew who spends a lot of time half-naked and steals the show whenever he pops up
one cast member previously played "shallow hal" one of them used to like christina aguilera
features cameos by chevy chase, kevin kline, garry marshall, harold ramis, ben stiller, and lily tomlin features cameos by tony fader, bob may, jeremy royal, and jon wilcox
Verdict
I've seen both "county" projects and it's a tough call, but I'm-a give it to WC. Most of Orange County's funny moments were shown in the preview and Jack Black playing Jack Black can only do so much. Remember, this time last year, Jack Black playing Jack Black couldn't save that haha funny classic Saving Silverman. Oh and the OC ending sucks ass.

6

8

9
black hawk down
re: mark bowden's true account of an elite team of u.s. delta force soldiers that was shot down and rescued during the 1993 american intervention in somalia
jon says: it's soooooo fuckin' good. jerry bruckheimer and ridley scott basically take the opening sequence in saving private ryan, transport it to africa, and stretch it out to make a full-length movie. i'm talkin' 144 exhausting minutes of reflective testosterone-saturated violence, unrelenting and graphic yet thoughtful at the same time
rory says: josh hartnett is soooooo dreamy…
bonus: there are LOTS of black people in this movie

Lisa: Now I won't be able to get into an Ivy League university!
Homer and Bart: [taunting Lisa] You're going to Stanford… You're going to Stanford…
Hahahahahaha. Gotta love The Simpsons.

Dan "the Automator" and Kid Koala Monday night. Blade II screening Tuesday night. Whoo.

Cannibal Holocaust

Okay, whoever keeps sending me these beautiful Photoshop pieces involving Telcobox Mike, I appreciate your input, but if you wanna bash Mike, be civil about it and do it on a WankerCounty comments board.

What the hell happened to WankerCounty? It used to be so wholesome. Back in the day, the WC boys would chastise Jord for using the word "shit." Nowadays, I don't know whether I'm looking at WankerCounty or Dr. Seuss' Stile Project. I mean, the WC boys aren't old enough to legally watch an R-rated movie yet, let alone besmirch the internet with their brand of vile language and heterosexual pornography. WankerCounty coulda been something. It coulda been a contender, instead of a dirty dirty website, which is what it is. Goddamn you, puberty! GODDAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

In the interest of fairness, here's how to make a WankerCounty post:

If your name is Jord…
1. smoke crack
2. assemble several random journal entries together
3. supplement with lots of images of yourself
4. basically, build a digital shrine to yourself
5. repeat frequently
6. (optional) announce that you are taking a break from the site only to return shortly and expect much praise
7. (also optional) good spelling, grammar, and punctuation

If you name is Jon…
1. posts? what posts?
If your name is Bob…
1. be sure to write in ebonics
2. adopt a nickname for yourself and declare that "you are here"
3. insert a short humorous piece revolving around the school you currently attend
4. declare that "you are leaving"

If your name is Matt…
1-10. ask for fanpics
11. show off the few fanpics received
12-20. ask for more fanpics

If you name is Tony…
1. post images of yourself with crazy-funny facial expressions (wide open eyes a plus!)
2. post images of yourself playing with shit in your room
3. post images of yourself with crazy-funny facial expressions playing with shit in your room
4. plug your article

If your name is J-Ram…
1. do everything in your power to come off as a complete fuckin' moron

The UCLA men's basketball season kicks off tonight. Whoo! Ever since my school's football team decided to suck B-C-ass, I've been awaiting the day I could rub FOUR RETURNING STARTERS in people's faces. I've said it before and I'll say it again: college basketball is the best spectator sport ever. Short games, tall men, one helluva good time. Krzyzewski still must die though.

*NSYNC, Bon Jovi, and Christina Aguilera have signed on to perform at the closing ceremonies of the 2002 Olympic Winter Games on February 24. The question is: will any of them still be relevant come next February?

I grew up spending my afternoons watching shows like Tiny Toon Adventures and Fun House, so it's sad to hear that Fox is getting out of the weekday kids television business and will hand the two-hour afternoon block back to affiliates. Fox Kids will still exist as a four-hour block on Saturdays, but affiliates will be allowed to start programming the 2-4 p.m. time period themselves starting December 31. [sigh]

It's that time again. Grades! I got an A- on my first film paper and an A+ on the film midterm. On the other hand, I got a C on my first English paper. The TA said it was "arbitrary" and "cursory." Whatever, dude.

Now, I'm no stranger to receiving Cs, Ds, and even Fs in school and honestly, I don't particularly care that I got a C on this paper. Like any college paper, it was, after all, churned out in one night. What bothers me, however, is that the road to a successful career in America today plays like a game of Jenga, where one bad move can topple the whole tower. If this is how it's gonna be, then why is my immediate fate in the hands of unattractive incompetent prick TAs?

Unlike my peers, I was slow to pick up on the fact that school sucks, but after 14 consecutive months of seeking higher education, I've grown to loathe the painfully incessant cycle of reading boring texts, writing shitty papers, and regurgitating the boring texts in a blue book under time constraints twice a quarter. Plus, thanks to the undergraduate liberal arts policy of the University of California, I'm forced to subject myself to the latter cycle in classes that I have absolutely no interest in. Stupid general education requirements. Why must I explicate Baldassare Castiglione's The Courtier when all I really wanna do in life is get chokeslammed off the top of a steel cage and direct music videos for Linkin Park?

You know what we need to bring back? Apprenticeships.