No solace in heaven, no solace in hell

This is an actual children's game – from Mattel, no less:

Flush the handle on the toilet to roll the die, and when a number comes up—you have to plunge the toilet that number of times. But be careful, after any given push of the plunger the poop may COME FLYING OUT OF THE TOILET! The first player to grab the poop earns a token. If you’re quick enough to catch it in midair, you earn TWO tokens!


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

It's year 10 of this already?!


1. Undertale creator made a wrestling promo for Kenny Omega (NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 13, 4 Jan 19)

Bending the rules for a slow week.


Stray Observations

  • "Derek Jeter was hitting on you? I know you don't like men, Nicole, but you could've at least gotten a gift bag." (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E09)
  • "Let's crack open those Case Logics." (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E09)
  • "Maybe you're not even Will Smith. You're Carlton." (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E09)
  • "Okay, Grandma, let's kick this off big Willie style."
    [Grandma slaps cassette out of Eddie's hand]
    "Hey! What was that for?"
    "You're tougher than I thought. You have graduated to Mase." (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E09)
  • "Maybe Topher's just out there raiding Cheesecake Factory dumpsters for breakfast."
    "[sigh] I'd even settle for Islands." (Runaways, S02E05)
  • "She is beautiful and smart. Yes, I know I'm talking about a computer."
    "No, I get it. Kinda how I felt about my first lacrosse stick. I spent hours just…taping the shaft. I even strung the pocket myself. [pause] Stringing the pocket is very personal."
    "Well, not to take anything away from your…taped shaft, but my lady here is gonna help me take down that construction site once and for all. Crack this open for me?"
    [pause]
    "It really is called a 'shaft.'" (Runaways, S02E05)
  • "There's no 'I' in team, Alex. [pause] Coach Alphona told me that one." (Runaways, S02E09)
  • Runaways Season 2 Grade: C
  • Single take bottle episode (Champaign ILL, S01E07)
  • "We didn't jack each other off! We showed each other our own cum!" (Champaign ILL, S01E08)
  • "I know that everything that comes out of my mouth sounds like a joke, and that's a gift and a burden." (Champaign ILL, S01E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Who Is America?

Adam Riff™ Clips of the Year

1. The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz
2. The Magicians
3. Desus and Mero
4. The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story
5. Riverdale
6. NBA: Hornets at Trail Blazers
7. Area 21
8. Ellen
9. Atlanta
10. Ash vs. Evil Dead
11. Saturday Night Live
12. WWE Raw
13. Ash vs. Evil Dead
14. Legends of Tomorrow
15. Andre the Giant
16. Brooklyn Nine-Nine
17. Atlanta
18. Saturday Night Live
19. Patrick Melrose
20. Trust
21. Joe Pera Talks with You
22. The Americans
23. Succession
24. Legion
25. Desus and Mero
26. World Cup: Nigeria vs. Argentina
27. Mostly 4 Millennials
28. Mostly 4 Millennials
29. Who Is America?
30. Who Is America?
31. Who Is America?
32. Who Is America?
33. The $100,000 Pyramid
34. Who Is America?
35. Random Acts of Flyness
36. Better Call Saul
37. American Vandal
38. Maniac
39. Maniac
40. WWE Raw
41. South Park
42. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
43. Daredevil
44. Channel Zero: The Dream Door
45. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
46. Kidding
47. NBA: Jazz at Lakers
48. Conan Without Borders: Japan
49. Saturday Night Live
50. Saturday Night Live
51. Champaign ILL

52. Ouroboros (Black Mirror: Bandersnatch)


Stray Observations

  • "I couldn't shoot tight enough to avoid these tchotchkes if I tried. I mean, who am I, Janusz Kaminski?" (Champaign ILL, S02E05)
  • ♫: Kid Cudi – "The Rage" (Runaways, S02E02)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Who Is America?


2018 AR™TV World Drama Championship Reigns
The Deuce – 44 weeks [carried over from 2017]
Succession – 6 weeks
Snowfall – 7 weeks
Channel Zero: The Dream Door – 1 week
Homecoming – 8 weeks and counting

2018 AR™TV World Comedy Championship Reigns
Nathan for You – 24 weeks [carried over from 2017]
Atlanta – 5 weeks
Barry – 7 weeks
Joe Pera Talks with You – 8 weeks
Who Is America? – 22 weeks and counting


Looking forward:

The Top 10 Fight Scenes of 2018

Previously on Adam Riff™: The 2018 Draft


And now, a more conventional list:

10. I'm UpsetMandy

9. Look AliveAsh vs. Evil Dead

8. Nice for WhatShadow


7. In My FeelingsLegends of Tomorrow

6. Walk It Talk ItUpgrade


5. NonstopDaredevil

4. Mob TiesThe Night Comes for Us

3. God's PlanBleach

2. Diplomatic ImmunityMission: Impossible – Fallout

1. Sicko ModeThe Night Comes for Us


see also:

The 2018 Draft

Previously on Adam Riff™: There was an idea… To bring together a group of disparate people… To see if we could create something more…than a year-end list.

10 people select 10 things they loved from 2017 without any overlap.


12 people select 10 things they loved from 2018 without any overlap, creating a "best of 2018" list unlike any other.


THE LEAGUE

Adam: Missing those mid states.
Jon: I tried…

In randomly-generated snake draft order:

Which Marvel superhero / Super Smash Bro / Disney princess are you?

1. STAN
Wong / Ice Climbers / Moana

2. JON B
Rocket Raccoon / Donkey Kong / Jasmine

3. JON T
Hawkeye / Pikachu / Belle

4. DREW
Spider-Man / Dr. Mario / Jasmine

5. JON Y [ME]
Doctor Strange / Ness / Pocahontas

6. LOGAN
Mantis / Jigglypuff / Ariel

7. BEN
Star-Lord / Link / Anna

8. JEFF
Daredevil / Snake / Jasmine

9. ADAM
Spider-Man / Falco / Snow White

10. NIC
Captain America / Toon Link / Rapunzel

11. MOLLY
Valkyrie / Samus / Ariel

12. RUSSELL
Ant-Man / Diddy Kong / Snow White


Alright.

With the first pick in the 2018 Draft, Stan selected…


R1 • STAN
1. BLACK PANTHER
film


R1 • JON B
2. MANDY
film

R1 • JON T
3. The bathroom fight in MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – FALLOUT
film


R1 • DREW
4. HEREDITARY
film


R1 • JON Y
5. ATLANTA: Robbin' Season
television / S02 / FX

R1 • LOGAN
6. Robyn's album HONEY
music


R1 • BEN
7. SORRY TO BOTHER YOU
film


R1 • JEFF
8. The first hour of A STAR IS BORN
film

Adam: Picking 9 fucking SUUUUUCCKKSS.
Adam: My whole thing is fucked. I can't imagine getting anything on my list that isn't just bottom of the barrel stuff.
Adam: Okay, my pick is in.


R1 • ADAM
9. GRITTY
mascot / sports / NHL / Philadelphia Flyers

R1 • NIC
10. Ty Segall's cover of War's "LOW RIDER"
music / Fudge Sandwich LP

Ben: That Ty Segall cover is like taking Darko.
Ben: He could have taken that in the last round!

R1 • MOLLY
11. KILLING EVE
television / S01 / BBC America

R1 • RUSSELL
12. BARRY » "My lord, the Queen is dead."
television / S01E07 / HBO / Barry channels all the guilt and trauma of murdering Chris into his single line

R2 • RUSSELL
13. THE DEATH OF STALIN
film

R2 • MOLLY
14. The final conversation between Melissa McCarthy and Richard E. Grant in CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
film / two horrible people connecting the only way they know how

R2 • NIC
15. THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE: Two Storms
television / S01E06 / Netflix / an entire episode that seemed to be one continuous take, despite moving back and forth between two houses in two different eras


R2 • ADAM
16. DETROITERS » Pooping car
television / S02E08 / Comedy Central

R2 • JEFF
17. The back half of SUCCESSION season one
television / S01E06-10 / HBO

R2 • BEN
18. CARDI B, especially the chorus of and her verse on "I LIKE IT"
music

R2 • LOGAN
19. YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HERE
film

R2 • JON Y
20. TAY KEITH fucking us up
music / "Look Alive" / "Nonstop" / the final third of "Sicko Mode"

R2 • DREW
21. Pusha T's album DAYTONA
music


R2 • JON T
22. AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR
film

R2 • JON B
23. HALLOWEEN
film

R2 • STAN
24. Mitski's album BE THE COWBOY
music

R3 • STAN
25. THE AMERICANS
television / S06 / FX

R3 • JON B
26. BETTER CALL SAUL » Slippin' Jimmy's burner business
television / S04 / AMC

R3 • JON T
27. BOYGENIUS' self-titled EP
music

Jeff: Can't believe I got beat to boygenius. Had them pegged for round four.

R3 • DREW
28. CRAZY RICH ASIANS
film

Jon Y: Three macro picks out of three for you.
Drew: Value!

R3 • JON Y
29. Keire stomping his skateboard in two at the end of MINDING THE GAP as "This Year" by The Mountain Goats plays
film

Adam: God damn it. I hate this draft.
Adam: Of course you picked Minding the Gap.
Jon Y: Well, you could have picked it at 16 instead of a pooping car.
Adam: In which case Jon B would have picked Detroiters at 23.
Adam: There's no way I could have outshot him.

Adam: I already regret Gritty.

R3 • LOGAN
30. The proliferation of URBAN SCOOTERS
Bird / Lime / Skip / Spin

R3 • BEN
31. THE GOOD PLACE
television / S02+S03 / NBC

R3 • JEFF
32. Kacey Musgraves' album GOLDEN HOUR
music


R3 • ADAM
33. HOMECOMING » The shot where Heidi finally regains her memories
television / S01E08 / Amazon Prime Video

R3 • NIC
34. MGMT's video for "ME AND MICHAEL"
music / MGMT plagiarizes Filipino band Truefaith


R3 • MOLLY
35. JANELLE MONÁE's vagina pants
music / "Pynk" video

R3 • RUSSELL
36. KYLIAN MBAPPÉ
sports / soccer / France / World Cup / Paris Saint-Germain


R4 • RUSSELL
37. EPIC HANDSHAKE
meme

R4 • MOLLY
38. RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE » "Miss Vanjie, Miss Vanjie, Miss Vaaaaanjie."
meme / television / S10 / VH1

R4 • NIC
39. ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ
politics

Ben: AOC went a lot earlier than I expected.

R4 • ADAM
40. DAYWORLD: Pilot
television / S01E01 / [adult swim]

R4 • JEFF
41. DEAD CELLS
video game

R4 • BEN
42. CHAPO TRAP HOUSE: Hot Couch Nation feat. Stavros Halkias and Matt V. Brady
podcast / episode 241

R4 • LOGAN
43. Natalie Portman's fight-dance with her mirror image in ANNIHILATION
film


R4 • JON Y
44. STYLESX2's reaction videos to SUPER SMASH BROS. ULTIMATE Nintendo Direct content
video content / video game / NS

R4 • DREW
45. ARIANA GRANDE's burgeoning societal influence
music

R4 • JON T
46. IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA » Mac's dance routine
television / S13E10 / FX

R4 • JON B
47. REVENGE
film

Adam Jon B picks Revenge. Of course. That was my next pick.

R4 • STAN
48. BURNING
film

R5 • STAN
49. PATRIOT
television / S02 / Amazon Prime Video

R5 • JON B
50. BIG MOUTH » Coach Steve doing push-ups on Jay's mom
television / S02E04 / Netflix

R5 • JON T
51. MY BRILLIANT FRIEND
television / S01 / HBO

R5 • DREW
52. BRYAN COLANGELO burner accounts
sports / NBA / Philadelphia 76ers

R5 • JON Y
53. JOE PERA TALKS WITH YOU: Joe Pera Reads You the Church Announcements
television / S01E06 / [adult swim] / Joe hears "Baba O'Riley" by The Who for the first time and promptly loses his mind

R5 • LOGAN
54. THE 1975's album A BRIEF INQUIRY INTO ONLINE RELATIONSHIPS, especially "LOVE IT IF WE MADE IT"
music

R5 • BEN
55. The Ringer's NBA DESKTOP
video content / Jason Concepcion's weekly NBA internet deep dive

Stan: NBA Desktop at 55 is a steal.
Stan: And a true regret that it didn't even cross my mind.

R5 • JEFF
56. TURNSTILE (band) live
live music

R5 • ADAM
57. CORPORATE
television / S01 / Comedy Central

R5 • NIC
58. The final play of the December 9 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS vs. MIAMI DOLPHINS game
sports / NFL

Ben: Nic's pick is silly.
Ben: Won't age well.
Ben: Congrats on winning a regular season game.
Jon Y: Haha. You're too old for Nic's shit.

R5 • MOLLY
59. When Kayla confronts her popular girl "nemesis" at the end of EIGHTH GRADE (special shout-out to the look of triumph on Elsie Fisher’s face afterward)
film

Adam: Ah fuck. I should have picked Eighth Grade before Corporate. God damn it.


R5 • RUSSELL
60. FIGHTING IN THE AGE OF LONELINESS
video content / a five-part documentary on the history of mixed martial arts

Ben: Fuuuuuck Russell took my pick.

R6 • RUSSELL
61. THE BEST SHOW WITH TOM SCHARPLING: Night of a Thousand Pardos!
podcast / July 25 episode

R6 • MOLLY
62. Billy Porter as Pray Tell on POSE
the category is…television / S01 / FX

R6 •NIC
63. Thom Yorke's album SUSPIRIA (MUSIC FOR THE LUCA GUADAGNINO FILM)
music / film

R6 • ADAM
64. SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE's animation style
film

R6 • JEFF
65. MARVEL'S SPIDER-MAN
video game / PS4

R6 • BEN
66. CHRIS SALE coming in to pitch in relief and striking out MANNY MACHADO to win the World Series for the Boston Red Sox
sports / MLB

R6 • LOGAN
67. KIM KARDASHIAN securing a pardon and being the world's best hope for justice reform
politics

R6 • JON Y
68. Panic! at the Disco's song "HIGH HOPES"
music / Pray for the Wicked LP

Adam: Panic! at the Disco, huh?
Ben: "High Hopes," eh?
Jon Y: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R6 • DREW
69. A QUIET PLACE
film

Jon Y: You outchea with the safest draft.
Drew: Best draft.
Drew: I'm not gonna spend a pick on, like, the first eight minutes of the third episode of Chapo Trap House.


R6 • JON T
70. J.R. SMITH'S blunder at the end of game one of the NBA Finals
sports / NBA / Cleveland Cavaliers

R6 • JON B
71. NEVER GOIN' BACK
film


R6 • STAN
72. The third installment of DEMI ADEJUYIGBE'S Sept. 21 performances
video content

R7 • STAN
73. QUEER EYE
television / S01+S02 / Netflix

R7 • JON B
74. THE STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT
film

R7 • JON T
75. New York City's MANDARIN DUCK, also known as HOT DUCK
viral sensation

R7 • DREW
76. IS THIS A PIGEON?
meme / see: 1. BLACK PANTHER

Drew: Sorry for the delay. I had a number of things I realized were from 2017.
Drew: I wanted to do Fiona the hippo.

R7 • JON Y
77. WHO IS AMERICA? » Quinceañera
television / S01E03 / Showtime

R7 • LOGAN
78. THE GRINCH's marketing blitzkrieg
film

R7 • BEN
79. MARVEL'S DAREDEVIL » 11-minute, single-take prison break
television / S03E04 / Netflix

R7 • JEFF
80. SAQUON BARKLEY
sports / NFL / New York Giants


R7 • ADAM
81. C O O L A S S D A N K A S S S H I T
video content / a blending of what we expect to watch on our phones with what we watch on larger screens, resulting in narratives informed by the familiar interface of technology

R7 • NIC
82. ISLE OF DOGS
film

R7 • MOLLY
83. Lecy Goranson as Becky on THE CONNERS
television / S01 / ABC

R7 • RUSSELL
84. THE GREAT BELIEVERS by Rebecca Makkai
book / chronicles the AIDS epidemic from its initial outbreak to the present

R8 • RUSSELL
85. BEYONCÉ at Coachella
live music

R8 • MOLLY
86. ARETHA FRANKLIN teaching white people what a homegoing is
funeral

R8 • NIC
87. Earl Sweatshirt's album SOME RAP SONGS
music

R8 • ADAM
88. POD MINUTES TO CAST NIGHT
podcast / listen to and discuss universally reviled albums


R8 • JEFF
89. Chris Jericho's appearance at ALL IN
wrestling

Jon Y: Goddammit! Jericho's make-up was my next pick.

R8 • BEN
90. SHARP OBJECTS » Mid-end credits montage
television / S01E08 / HBO / Amma!

Logan: The 'ha ah ahh ah' part of "Shallow," especially as sung by Jigglypuff.
Jon Y: Sorry, A Star Is Born is off the board.
Logan: Hmph okay.

Logan: "There could be 100 people in a room, and 99 don't believe in you. But all it takes is one."
Jon Y: That's still A Star Is Born-related.

R8 • LOGAN
91. MINNESOTA SKYSCRAPER RACCOON
viral sensation


R8 • JON Y
92. The Chinese, high stakes rock-paper-scissors fantasy ANIMAL WORLD, featuring Michael Douglas
film

R8 • DREW
93. OLIVIA THE DOG
film / Game Night / Widows


R8 • JON T
94. AMERICAN CHOPPER Argument
meme

R8 • Jon B
95. CHANNEL ZERO: The Dream Door » Pretzel Jack
television / S04 / Syfy / homicidal contortionist clown

R8 • STAN
96. RED DEAD REDEMPTION 2
video game / XBO+PS4


R9 • STAN
97. CUNK ON BRITAIN
television / S01 / BBC2

R9 • JON B
98. THREATIN's European tour
live music / band creates fake fanbase for tour attended by no one

R9 • JON T
99. WESTWORLD: Kiksuya
television / S02E08 / HBO / the story of Akecheta

R9 • DREW
100. Jessica Pressler's story on "SOHO GRIFTER" Anna Delvey
written content / The Cut

R9 • JON Y
101. Na-Kel Smith's performance in MID90s
film

R9 • LOGAN
102. SUPER DELUXE (rest in peace)
video content

R9 • BEN
103. CONTRAPOINTS
video content / a leftist perspective to a variety of hot-button issues

Jeff: Drew picked the dog in Game Night previously. Am I good picking it generally?
Jon Y: Alas, no.
Jeff: Ah okay.

R9 • JEFF
104. Dashboard Confessional's album CROOKED SHADOWS
music

R9 • ADAM
105. Young Fathers' video for "HOLY GHOST"
music / shot with a long-range thermal surveillance camera generally used by military for border security and other unfriendly war zone-type operations

R9 • NIC
106. Habits' video for "LIMP"
music / a weird, gory time in some kind of satanic dungeon

R9 • MOLLY
107. Mark Ronson's song "NOTHING BREAKS LIKE A HEART (feat. Miley Cyrus)"
music

R9 • RUSSELL
108. MOSTLY 4 MILLENNIALS
television / S01 / [adult swim]


FINAL ROUND BLIND BONUS PICK
Along with your final pick, please select something from 2018 that you have yet to experience as of 18 December 2018 but are keen on.


R10 • RUSSELL
109. Spencer Hall eulogizes ANTHONY BOURDAIN's love of Waffle House
written content / Every Day Should Be Saturday
+ VICE / film

Ben Great pick by Russell. I forgot how much I loved that.

R10 • MOLLY
110. I'LL BE GONE IN THE DARK by Michelle McNamara
book / one woman's fanatical search for the Golden State Killer
+ THE FAVOURITE / film

Nic: Blind pick: You Were Never Really Here.
Jon Y: Sorry, Logan already picked it.
Nic: Okay, how about Incredibles 2?
Jon Y: You haven't seen Incredibles 2?!

R10 • NIC
111. FAHRENHEIT 11/9
film
+ INCREDIBLES 2 / film


R10 • ADAM
112. ELON MUSK shitting the bed all year long
dankest meme
+ ROMA / film

R10 • JEFF
113. THE BACHELOR » Arie dumping Becca
television / S22E11 / ABC
+ ASTRO BOT RESCUE MISSION / video game / PSVR

R10 • BEN
114. Mary Halsey's perfect cover of Missy Elliott's "WORK IT," and it not being a Milkshake Duck situation
viral sensation / music
+ BLACK MIRROR: Bandersnatch / television / Netflix

R10 • LOGAN
115. THEY DID SURGERY ON A GRAPE
meme
+ UNDER THE SILVER LAKE / film

R10 • JON
116. A WAY OUT's twist ending
video game / PC+PS4+XBO / 1v1!
+ DONUT COUNTY / video game

R10 • DREW
117. UPGRADE
film
+ LAMAR JACKSON's playoff debut / sports / NFL / Baltimore Ravens

R10 • JON T
118. FIRE AND BLOOD: VOLUME ONE by George R. R. Martin
book / the rise of the Targaryen dynasty throughout Westeros
+ GOD OF WAR / video game / PS4

Jon Y: God of War's slide… Oof.

R10 • JON B
119. TRIAL AND ERROR » "Lady driver! Lady driver! Lady driver coming through!"
television / S02 / NBC / running gag
+ BAD TIMES AT THE EL ROYALE / film

Jon Y: I'm not saying Mr. Irrelevant should be Fortnite, but…


R10 • STAN
120. NARCOS: Mexico » Every face that Joaquín Cosio makes
television / S04 / Netflix
+ SHOPLIFTERS / film

Jon Y: Boooo!

Considering my struggle to diversify the league this year – girls ghosting me left and right – I am pleased with how this draft turned out.


UNDRAFTED!
Becky Lynch
Dragon Ball FighterZ
First Reformed
Nanette
"This Is America"
16 UMBC Upsets 1 Virginia
Walmart Yodel Boy


Click to view the draft by team.

A paper tiger can't tell you where he stands



Game Show Idea: A car arrives at your home. You are blindfolded and seated in the car. The car drives for a bit and then parks. If you can identify where the car parked, you win.

Before the car arrives, you decide how long the car will drive for. The longer the drive, the larger the prize money.

You can opt to be locked in the boot of the car for double the prize money. Or allow the car's radio to scan as it drives.

Idea: A history textbook that's ordered by top events instead of chronologically.

April Fools' Day Idea: Replace all the advertising in Times Square with marketing for Shen Yun.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


50. Weezer (Saturday Night Live, S44E09)


Stray Observations

  • "Puerto Ricans drink rum, not tequila." (Escape at Dannemora, S1E04)
  • "I feel really bad for Bryce Harper."
    "What, for being a fuckin' faggot?" (Escape at Dannemora, S1E04)
  • "I wish every night that that piece of shit Pablo Sandoval would choke on one of those fuckin' lobster rolls he's been inhaling since he came down to Boston. Fuckin' Panda should go down to the Nationals so him and Bryce Harper can blow each other so we can get a real third baseman like Kevin fuckin' Youkilis." (Escape at Dannemora, S1E04)
  • "Alexa, kill Kenny." (South Park, S22E10)
  • South Park Season Grade: D
  • "Nicole sent me an ornament that tells a story too, how there's no truer common ground between a lesbian and a 15-year-old boy than the movie Wild Things."
    "We're not hanging that on the tree."
    "Fine, I'll just put it over my bed."
    "Why?"
    [pause] (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E08)
  • "L'Atelier again? It's like every time we're in Paris, brah. What about La Bernadette? What about La Cordonnerie? Get out of your little bubble."
    "First of all, Robuchon is a friend, all right? I like to support Joël whenever I can. Second, tell me la boule de boeuf at L'Atelier is not bomb. Try to tell me that la boule de boeuf at L'Atelier is not bomb."
    "That la boule de boeuf at L'Atelier is not bomb."
    "Lou, will you please settle this la boule de boeuf beef?" (Champaign ILL, S01E01)
  • Fat Keith David (Champaign ILL, S01E01)
  • "Have you considered the possibility that, you know, maybe our detour was good for us? 'Cause before you pick the ice cream you want to buy, it's smart to, like, try all the different flavours. You know, from chocolate to vanilla to… I'm trying to think of a yellow ice cream flavour, like… Banana custard? Yes? My point is, Asian girls." (Champaign ILL, S01E02)
  • "The dating apps use math to link you up with the one girl in the entire universe that you have the most in common with. That's how Bella Hadid met The Weeknd, and how Selena Gomez met The Weeknd." (Champaign ILL, S01E02)
  • "One of my superpowers is my girth."
    "Yeah, man. Not that long."
    "Yeah, very short, but very fat."
    "So thick it's almost round."
    "Yeah. Yep. It's a disk."
    "It… It's true. You don't have a dick, you have a disk."
    "I have a disk. A misspelling turned into an opportunity for me." (Champaign ILL, S01E02)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Who Is America?