"From this moment forward, I decree, no more schnitzel or strudel." (Fargo, S02E10)
"An act of cruelty, remember?" (Fargo, S02E10)
"In the morning, we journey home to bathe in that warm champagne that is corporate praise." (Fargo, S02E10)
"Camus says knowing we're gonna die makes life absurd."
"Well, I don't know who that is, but I'm guessing he doesn't have a six year-old girl."
"Ugh, I don't care if he's from Mars. Nobody with any sense would say something that foolish. We're put on this earth to do a job, and each of us gets the time we get to do it. And when this life is over, and you stand in front of the Lord… Well, you try telling him it was all some Frenchman's joke." (Fargo, S02E10)
"Your husband, he said he was gonna protect his family no matter what, and I acted like I didn't understand, but…I do. It's the rock we all push – men. We call it our burden, but…it's really our privilege." (Fargo, S02E10)
RT: The Fargo finale had one hell of an Easter egg pointing back to s1 (Fargo, S02E10)
Fargo Season Grade: B+
"Cheekbones for days." (American Horror Story, S05E10)
"A doula is someone who supports you emotionally and physically and coaches you through the process."
"Oh, I see. So sort of like a vaginal Gandalf." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E08)
"Prayer circle by the solar panels." (The Walking Dead, S06E07)
"I'm coming." (The Last Man on Earth, S02E08)
I call for a moratorium on using "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed (The Last Man on Earth, S02E08)
Why does computer-generated blood still look so terrible? (Into the Badlands, S01E02)
"She just wants to promote her homeopathic vaginal cream made out of oyster shells, Cocoa Puffs, and hummus." (Getting On, S03E03)
"The world is not at war with women."
"I'm in Pakistan. Shoot me in the head. I'm in India. Rape me. I'm in Saudi Arabia. Don't let me drive. I'm Kenyan now. Cut out my genitalia. I'm a Filipino nanny in Dubai. Beat me." (Getting On, S03E03)
"Who wants to man my anal horn booth?" (Getting On, S03E03)
"Timothy Olyphant is…Rake Grinder." (The Grinder, S01E08)
"The Big Easy…just got hard." (The Grinder, S01E08)
"That's not a baby bump. That's a poo belly!" (Scream Queens, S01E10)
Arnold Schwarzenegger's son (Scream Queens, S01E10)
"When you next look at this liquid, you will realize that it's not whiskey you've been drinking your whole life, but your mother's feces."
"Sometimes this comes a bit too easily to you." (The Knick, S02E07)
Ping Wu orgasming while sucking Bono's daughter's toes (The Knick, S02E07)
Rudolph Valentino is a vampire (American Horror Story, S05E07)
F. W. Murnau is the vampire who turned Rudolph Valentino (American Horror Story, S05E07)
"That's why I made you this condolence hummus. My own tears are mixed in with the cumin." (The League, S07E11)
"I heard they [Jews] chew on your shoelaces."
"Uhhh, I think that's goats." (The League, S07E11)
"First, we find this piece of shit doctor that killed her."
"Ooh, he looks exactly like a piece of shit."
"I'm gonna be honest. I couldn't find a picture of the doctor, so I took a picture of my shit in scrubs."
"Where'd you find those little tiny scrubs?"
"Oh. No, that's a four-foot shit." (The League, S07E11)
"Be lei'd to rest in Hawaii." (Nathan for You, S03E06)
"In this post-Pearl Harbor world, people don't trust their fellow man the way they once did." (Nathan for You, S03E06)
"Your spiritual centre, Ash. The place that makes you most happy."
"Jacksonville, Florida." (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S01E04)
"I've always wanted to spend time in the city so nice they named it 'Jacksonville.'" (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S01E04)
"Jessica Jones, you are a hard-drinking, short-fused mess of a woman, but you are not a piece of shit." (Jessica Jones, S01E06)
"Backseat Freestyle" (Jessica Jones, S01E06)
"I want cake!" (Jessica Jones, S01E08)
"Bitches, right?" (Jessica Jones, S01E08)
"I got hit with a People's Choice Award." (Jessica Jones, S01E11)
"'Horse fetishists in Central Park.'"
"'Magic word is wankers.'" (Jessica Jones, S01E12)
"I hope they have free express shipping in Heaven." (Jessica Jones, S01E12)
"You really are a little anal crumpet, aren't you?" (Jessica Jones, S01E12)
"Let me ask you a question. How long have you been a two-faced slut?" (Gotham, S02E07)
Death by stiletto heel (Gotham, S02E07)
The closing credits song – Holly Hunter sings it as a lullaby in Raising Arizona (Fargo, S02E04)
"I'm their Kramer." (Grandfathered, S01E05)
"You didn't get that line from a book, did you? You got it from a little show Entertainment Weekly called 'one of the more competent legal dramas in quite some time.'" (The Grinder, S01E05)
"This is not a Long Duk Dong situation." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E06)
Gak – "Of course there's hair in it." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E06)
"When I was two, what breakfast cereal did I accidentally breathe into my lungs and nearly die? …I…X."
"Dix? You choked on dix?" (Scream Queens, S01E07)
"News flash, felchers. Rat poison only works because rodents don't have a gag reflex. If you gave a human rat poison, they would immediately puke it all up. So not only would I have survived your attempt on my life, it would have also made me skinnier." (Scream Queens, S01E07)
"Her treacherous slatch already droops like wet clay." (The Bastard Executioner, S01E08)
"You put me in charge."
"No, I put you in place. Don't confuse the two." (Empire, S02E06)
The Burp King of Westchester is ubiquitous (American Horror Story, S05E05)
"Goddesses don't speak in whispers; they scream." (American Horror Story, S05E05)
Nick Kroll clearly negotiated a reduced schedule when re-upping (The League, S07E09)
"I met with Cornelius Ladd, an age progression specialist I found on Craigslist." (Nathan for You, S03E04)
"My wife and my kids, they died in space. It was an accident." (Nathan for You, S03E04)
"I could be very helpful in securing a long future for you here at the Knick." [accidentally sets himself on fire] (The Knick, S02E04)
"I ate a lot of diapers. A lot. That dirty diaper taste in the back of your mouth, there's just nothing like it. But I'm here to say that you can have a life without walking around munching on every dirty diaper you come across." (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S02E01)
"I'd like to sing a few songs for you, songs I knew from when I was just a little girl." [sings "Three Blind Mice"] (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S02E01)
♫: Original song written by Eric Wareheim and performed by Bonnie "Prince" Billy (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S02E01)
"It's not for people to just take it and go. This isn't New Orleans." (Master of None, S01E02)
"Taye Diggs? He hates celery." (Master of None, S01E03)
"Dude, it's a Father John Misty show. There's gonna be white people everywhere." (Master of None, S01E03)
"'XOXO' – that's good. It means 'hugs and kisses.'"
"No, 'XOXO' means 'go fuck yourself.'"
"Hmm. Well, if that's true, then all the letters my grandmother wrote me ended with 'Go fuck yourself, Grandma.'" (Master of None, S01E03)
Booty Call! (Master of None, S01E04)
"Indians, Asians, gays – there can be one, but there can't be two." (Master of None, S01E04)
"You're being a bit of an Uncle Taj." (Master of None, S01E04)
"Is Mindy Kaling real?" (Master of None, S01E04)
Carrie Mathison is married to Stan Beeman (Master of None, S01E05)
"Batman has a Batmobile. Thor has a Thor-mobile."
"I don't think he does." (Master of None, S01E05)
"Colin Salmon is Car-man." (Master of None, S01E05)
Television Episode of the Year nominee (Master of None, S01E09)
"I'm over here trying to listen to my CM Punk interview, dude." (Master of None, S01E10)
"Don't you want to experience the one thing white people do better than us?"
"Begging for candy in a disguise to hide your shame?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"I'm going as Humpty Hump from the Digital Underground."
"I love Burger King bathrooms!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"Tic Tacs to the face! Tic tacs in your face!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"She's so cool."
"I bet she drinks Zima." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"UPS delivery lamb. Nice costume, Emery. You too, Evan. A lazy goalie."
"Go on. Deliver that goalie." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
(Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"Aren't you embarrassed? A grown woman dressed as a pig?"
"I'm Miss Piggy. Kermit's girlfriend?"
"Pigs don't date. Pigs feed a crowd at a reasonable price." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
The Mask = "Jazz Gumby." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"Jeff friggin' Lynne…" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"What are thooooooose?!" (Black-ish, S02E06)
"They're just children. They don't have arts programs. They can't help themselves." (Black-ish, S02E06)
"Your refrigerator game has exploded in the last 5-7 years." (Black-ish, S02E06)
1999: Tweek vs. Craig. 2015: Tweek x Craig (South Park, S19E06)
"Wow. Our town has only had a Whole Foods for three weeks and we already have our first gay kids." (South Park, S19E06)
"The Asians decide who's gonna be gay?" (South Park, S19E06)
Karaoke video (South Park, S19E06)
"He's a genius, like Galileo or Peter Frampton." (American Horror Story, S05E04)
"I don't eat salad."
"Jeffrey likes dark meat." (American Horror Story, S05E04)
"What am I supposed to do without a quarterback?"
"I dunno… Pick up Andy Dalton off the waiver wire."
"You know that I'm a card-carrying member of the ADL."
"What is the ADL?"
"The Andy Defamation League, where I get together with a group of people and talk shit about Andy Dalton." (The League, S07E08)
"We missed you at the bibimbapluck." (The League, S07E08)
"I want people to think I'm spicy and fun and dangerous."
"Like a bullet made of chorizo?" (Bob's Burgers, S06E02)
"'See you soon, baboon.' Wait, spice it up. 'See you soon, bitch.' Too spicy, too spicy." (Bob's Burgers, S06E02)
(Bob's Burgers, S06E02)
"How do you explain this? I found it in your room."
"A bandana – flair for your microphone stand? [gasps] You're joining Aerosmith!" (Bob's Burgers, S06E02)
"Oh my god, they're fife-ing toward us!" (Bob's Burgers, S06E02)
"It's not harassment unless you can prove intent to fart." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E03)
"This one says 'die pig,' and worst of all, they didn't put the comma between 'die' and 'pig.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E03)
"We'll do it live." (The Walking Dead, S06E01)
Mary Steenburgen has now played both Will Ferrell's mother and his lover (The Last Man on Earth, S02E03)
"Just as I was about to become yet another canyon handstand statistic…" (The Last Man on Earth, S02E03)
"This is him dead. And this is him dead closer. This is Tandy dead as close as I could bear to draw." (The Last Man on Earth, S02E03)
Tandy shooting Skittles out of his nose, trying to land them in a top hat (The Last Man on Earth, S02E03)
"I want you to… 'I'm gonna burn your fucking pricks off, you pieces of shit.'"
"'Burn your dicks off.' I'm saying 'dicks,' is that all right?"
"You should say 'pricks.'"
"Why do you like 'pricks' better than 'dicks'?" (Project Greenlight, S04E05)
Vic Mackey forming a strike team (Gotham, S02E04)
"You're the comic in a piece of bubble gum." (Fargo, S02E01)
"Cream of pork? In the summer?"
"It was chilled!" (Grandfathered, S01E03)
Jeremy Lin (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E04)
(Fresh Off the Boat, S02E04)
Orange Is the New Black (Scream Queens, S01E05)
"Spit-roasting you caused my brother and I to fall in love with you. Neither of us are content with sharing you anymore."
"You need to choose one of us."
"Pick a side of the Eiffel Tower." (Scream Queens, S01E05)
"You shouldn't worry about me. I'm like black Die Hard." (Scream Queens, S01E05)
Evidently, DraftKings paid for a whole season of product placement (The League, S07E05)
The burp king of Westchester (The League, S07E05)
"Jimmy, you're not writing recaps, are you?"
"Oh, Jimmy, are you grading this episode?" (You're the Worst, S02E05)
"Ugh, that sausage wallet. I hope she gets pregnancy 'roids and they leave her bedridden and I have to raise her baby myself. I'd parent the shit out of her. 'Wear that skirt. Don't blow that boy. This is pizza.'" (You're the Worst, S02E05)
(You're the Worst, S02E05)
"I didn't even get to see the cool parts of Iraq. I was in Fallujah, which is basically their San Diego." (You're the Worst, S02E05)
"We've uploaded police academy to your brain – the movies and the actual training."
"They are funny, except for 5." (Bob's Burgers, S06E01)
"He and mom are hitting it off like peanut butter and Jerry. You know, the kid from school who has peanut butter every day? Jerry?" (Bob's Burgers, S06E01)
"Oooh. I just got the weirdest feeling inside."
"Could be salmonella. That's what most weird feelings inside are."
"No, it's like, uhh, something got on the wrong track a long time ago."
"It could also be diarrhea." (Bob's Burgers, S06E01)
"Hi. Gina Linetti, the human form of the 100 emoji." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E01)
"No, Madeline, I don't have my own pigeon pants." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E01)
"Let's blow some tiny minds." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E01)
Atticus Ross getting a main title theme credit for one note (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E05)
"I'm an addict."
"No, you are a heroin addict. That's the gold standard. Don't sell yourself short." (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E05)
"What part of 'I'm setting my gems' do you not understand?" (The Last Man on Earth, S02E01)
Phil blasting M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" in the car with the song's gunshot samples drowning out Carol's actual gunshots (The Last Man on Earth, S02E01)
"Today, I made for you Far East China Sesame Chicken. It's no vegetable because they so poor in far east China." (Cutthroat Kitchen, S09E07)
"I'm a 50-year-old bachelor. We're society's most worthless people." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
"That's the saddest sentence I've ever heard. It's like a poem." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
"I'm cool. I watch Portlandia. I almost went to Coachella last year until I decided not to." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
"You look a little young for a doctor. Could you get someone older? Asian if you got it." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
"What part of 'hashtag teen life' do you not understand?" (The Grinder, S01E01)
Rob Lowe dropping a "literally" (The Grinder, S01E01)
"My cheese tool!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
"Horse dumplings!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
"I don't think that's cute. I think it's freaky. It's like a curse. It's like this poor baby angered some witch who cursed her to be trapped in a cabbage body, and now she needs an emperor's kiss to release her from the curse, but the emperors are gone, replaced by democracy, so this poor cabbage baby is left alone in the fields to be pecked at by crows, and then a photographer comes along, and he takes a photograph of her, and he sells it for lots of money, but he leaves her alone to a life of misery, for who could ever love a cabbage-faced baby?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
"Enough Little Man Boys!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
"I thought you might like this alarm clock better. The lazy dog tells you when to get up." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
Ed Sheeran (The Bastard Executioner, S01E04)
Death by chicken drumstick (The Bastard Executioner, S01E04)
This show's take on a teenage hipster… (Modern Family, S07E02)
"My partner Clyde told me." (Empire, S02E02)
"We had one white girl, one black girl, and one Hispanic. I'm-a call them 'Rainbow Sensation.'" (Empire, S02E02)
"Anika knows marketing. She made a whole career selling her ass."
"Oh, as opposed to you and your stellar career in pharmaceuticals?" (Empire, S02E02)
"Thirsty Rawlings." (Empire, S02E02)
Oh. Clyde is Petey Pablo's character (Empire, S02E02)
"Shower machete?" (Black-ish, S02E02)
"That makes it look like you ate Eddie Murphy." (Black-ish, S02E02)
"Somebody's in the house."
"Then why are we in here? What's dad gonna do? Suck salsa off the burglar's shirt?"
"Don't worry, guys. I know karate. Mop the floor! Mop the floor!" (Black-ish, S02E02)
"Let's go child labour force, let's go!" (South Park, S19E03)
"The Villas at Kenny's House." (South Park, S19E03)
"What's wrong with that? What are you gonna call it?"
"I call it 'love foam.'"
"It's called 'brine," because it's salty and it tenderizes meat." (The League, S07E04)
The music composer for the film Whiplash wrote this episode (The League, S07E04)
"Scrambled eggs? A dish so pedestrian its name is the recipe?" (You're the Worst, S02E04)
"Nathan and Tall Nathan are from a local comedy school, and they're gonna be teaching us a lesson in improv. Studies show that this can help with trauma-induced anxiety."
"We know what you've all been through, and we're sensitive to it. [pause] Okay, let's start. Who wants to play a gay banana?" (You're the Worst, S02E04)
"I stopped you from investing in Sufjan Stevens' broth restaurant." (You're the Worst, S02E04)
Lindsay scraping microwaved semen into a coffee mug (You're the Worst, S02E04)
"Sandwich, Massachusetts." (Review, S02E10)
Review Season Grade: B
"I'm preparing the butter to sauté you in." (Shark Tank, S07E02)
RT: A lady on Shark Tank is crying about her eyelash extension business. It's not weird at all. Not thinking about Lexapro right now. (Shark Tank, S07E02)
"I don't care about three-act structure. I think it's eroding cinema." (Project Greenlight, S04E02)
"Has anyone ever asked you to try to make it look like what it would look like if you shot having removed the anti-halation layer of the film?" (Project Greenlight, S04E02)
How did I not see the ending? (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E04)
Guest starring Werner Herzog (Rick and Morty, S02E08)
"I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small, it's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans have held bottles, pencils, Thermoses in front of themselves and called out, 'Hey, look at me, I'm Mr. So-and-so Dick. I've got such and such for a penis.' I never saw it fail to get a laugh." (Rick and Morty, S02E08)
BBC preview (Rick and Morty, S02E08)
Both episodes open with "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E04; Gotham, S02E01)
Chad Velcoro (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
RT: Reebok Pumps were played out by 95 (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
"All the franchise power players are gonna be there. I need to make a good impression. Which one's Louis Huang? Ohhh, he's the steakhouse owner in the sharkskin suit."
"Or he's the Chinese guy." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
"Dolla dolla bag." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
The family riding Gatorworld's parking lot tram because the mother didn't want to pay for admission to Gatorworld – I did this at Disneyland! (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
The Mask was released in 1994 – the boys would recognize (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
37. Seth Rollins wanders around backstage yelling STING GIVE ME BACK MY STATUE, Xavier Woods plays the Final Fantasy victory fanfare on the trombone, The New Day engages in a trombone vs. kazoo battle with Edge and Christian, Big E tries to eat a kazoo, The Dudley Boyz show up (WWE Raw, 09-07-15)
Stark family tree challenge (King of the Nerds [UK], S01E08)
King of the Nerds [UK] Season Grade: D
Fake-out count: 3 (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E02)
"You were right. I was wrong."
"Okayseeya." (The Strain, S02E08)
Show Me a Hero Series Grade: C+
Guest starring Stephen Colbert, Nathan Fielder, and Alan Tudyk (Rick and Morty, S02E06)
"I masturbated to an extra curvy piece of driftwood the other day!" (Rick and Morty, S02E06)
"Do not get rid of my gay golden goose. Do you know how many big time endorsement opportunities there are out there for him? CEO of Apple Computers – gay. Host of Ellen – gay." (The Carmichael Show, S01E04)
"If I went to a party and I run into Caitlyn Jenner, and Caitlyn Jenner steps on my shoe, am I allowed to punch Caitlyn Jenner?" (The Carmichael Show, S01E04)
"Don't worry. The woman trapped inside of him will tell the man what to do." (The Carmichael Show, S01E04)
"It's called 'multiverse theory,' and it suggests that there are an infinite number of universes in which I didn't have sex with that white woman." (Key and Peele, S05E09)
RT: The Ashley Madison line was in the script (Mr. Robot, S01E10)
"Next up, Fresh Air with Terry Gross and her guest, homosexual David Sedaris. He's talking about his new gender-neutral version of The Mikado." (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
"Thought she was sanctimonious and white."
"Turns out she was sanctimonious and black."
"There's got to be a word for that."
"Yeah, 'reverend.'" (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
(Race to Escape, S01E06)
Race to Escape Season Grade: B
"When life becomes maddeningly polite, think about me. Think about me, Will. Don't worry about me." (Hannibal, S03E13)
"Will, was it good to see me?" (Hannibal, S03E13)
"I'd pack my bags if I were you, Bedelia. Meat's back on the menu." (Hannibal, S03E13)
RT: The highlight of our gag reel is Raul Esparza in that makeup doing Fire Marshal Bill (Hannibal, S03E13)
"Do please tell Frederick if you see him, I wish a speedy convalescence, and I hope he won't be very ugly." (Hannibal, S03E13)
"You died in my kitchen, Alana, when you chose to be brave. Every moment since is borrowed. Your wife, your child, they belong to me. You made a bargain for Will's life, and then I spun you gold." (Hannibal, S03E13)
"My compassion for you is inconvenient, Will." (Hannibal, S03E13)
"Save yourself, kill them all." (Hannibal, S03E13)
Siouxsie Sioux wrote an original song for the finale (Hannibal, S03E13)