"A good steak's like a prize fight – it ain't good unless it's bloody." (The Get Down, S01E02)
"Somebody taught you how to do that championship fucking." (The Get Down, S01E03)
"Nigga, this is Flash territory." (The Get Down, S01E04)
"Herbert Gunns wants to talk to me? What for?"
"He said it's about cock."
"Cock? What, what the fuck are you talking about?"
"Cock! Ed Cock!"
"He said he's the man behind cock."
"KOCH!" (The Get Down, S01E04)
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Eric Andre Show
33. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog stages a focus group with Trump's biggest supporters, presenting a series of increasingly outrageous and extremely fake campaign ads, to find out how far they're willing to go in support of their candidate. (Triumph, Summer Election Special 2016)
Muslim Dunk Tank (Triumph, Summer Election Special 2016)
Donnie looks distractingly like Bradley Cooper (Preacher, S01E10)
"You're not God, are you?"
"I am the alpha and the omega."
"No, you're not. I just saw you picking your nose."
"Noo…my son, I was…scratching it." (Preacher, S01E10)
Preacher Season Grade: C
"I bet when she gets up here she smells like fucked buttholes." (Vice Principals, S01E03)
"My wine sack! Who did this? Who drank my Chablis?!"
"No one drank it. We poured it out. The pouch made it taste all meaty." (Vice Principals, S01E03)
"Ma'am, if I may, why drug him? Would've been just as easy to shoot and leave."
"Killing a man instantly robs him of explanation. He has no time to process his final moments. Now, even though he was paralyzed, his mind was still able to understand why his life was ending. We let him die with answers. Otherwise, we're nothing but ruthless murderers." (Mr. Robot, S02E05)
Josh Groban Night (Mr. Robot, S02E05)
"It's like having sex with a protractor." (Fleabag, S01E03)
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Eric Andre Show
The angels wait for the shuttle bus to Hell in front of the Bear Canyon Arroyo Spillway Dam, which is where Ed on Breaking Bad picked up clients who needed to be disappeared. The same dog even walks across the street (Preacher, S01E09)
Sticky Fingaz and Lord Jamar (The Night Of, S01E03)
RT: OH WE LET THE SEAWARD FLY BUT WE CANT SAY FUCK INNIT @USA_Network (Mr. Robot, S02E04)
Clinton Street Baking Company and The MasalaWala (Mr. Robot, S02E04)
"Annihilation is always the answer. We destroy parts of ourselves every day. We photoshop our warts away. We edit the parts we hate about ourselves, modify the parts we think people hate. We curate our identity, carve it, distill it. Annihilation is all we are." (Mr. Robot, S02E04)
"You want Jew time? Do a Jew crime." (The Night Of, S01E02)
"She got her master's from Berkeley."
"Yeah, I bet she went to Berkeley, and I'm pretty affirmative how she got in." (Vice Principals, S01E01)
"I am the scream in your mind." (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
Dominique's sex chat buddy is "happyhardonhenry806," a nod to Christian Slater's pirate radio DJ in Pump Up the Volume (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
"All we are to them are paying fanboys of their poorly-written sci-fi franchise." (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
"You know that bullshit people say about how, when you fall, you gotta get up? I reject that shit, man. You know why? The whole thing is a fall. It can't help but be. A perpetual state of grasping in the dark. It's not about getting up, it's about stumbling, stumbling in the right direction. It's the only true way to move forward." (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
"He's like a blog that nobody reads, but in human form." (Looking, S03E01)
"A guy walks up to a woman at a bar. He flirts with her, he makes small talk, but the woman insists she isn't gonna go home with him. Guy says, 'What if I offer you a million dollars to sleep with me?' The woman's never had a million dollars in her life. She stops and considers the offer very seriously. The guy changes his mind, says, 'What if I change my offer to a dollar instead?' Woman is aghast. 'What kind of woman do you think I am?' Guy says, 'We already figured that out. Now we're just negotiating.'" (Mr. Robot, S02E02)
"I'm late for my church group. Peace." (Mr. Robot, S02E02)
Al Jardine (Decker: Unclassified, S01E04)
"Trumpets make you go brown." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S04E04)
"Jesus, boys, he's eating ground pizza." (Trailer Park Boys, S10E04)
"Well, that's a cobra strike to all of our erect wangs!" (Trailer Park Boys, S10E04)
♫: Joy Division – "Atmosphere" (Stranger Things, S01E04)
Stranger Things Season Grade: B+
The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Veep
"Those are your last words? 'Fuck you'? Come on. You can do better."
"You're shit at dying." (Game of Thrones, S06E08)
"I choose violence." (Game of Thrones, S06E08)
"One day, I'd like to have my own vineyard, make my own wine – The Imp's Delight." (Game of Thrones, S06E08)
"You are a great fertile bitch of evil." (Penny Dreadful, S03E07)
"We're going to make you into a proper woman." (Penny Dreadful, S03E07)
"My dignity is in your hands, Richard."
(Silicon Valley, S03E08)
"If I hear wind of these rumours spreading out of control, I'm gonna send it to every tech publication and blog on the face of the earth. Do you understand?"
"Even Uproxx?" (Silicon Valley, S03E08)
"How is it that that Asperger salad inserted herself into this situation?"
"President Lu trusts her, likes what she did with the I.M.F."
"No, I'll tell you what he likes – Nordic beav."
"Irresistible." (Veep, S05E08)
"And now, they are discussing how casually you are dressed. They say you look like…prisoner or…pirate……an exercise book." (Veep, S05E08)
"Why did Menopause not warn us?" (Veep, S05E08)
The running gag of Marjorie resembling Selina from behind (Veep, S05E08)
"Even labour and delivery with her was a nightmare."
"Oh yes? Why is that? You have a very narrow vagina?" (Veep, S05E08)
"Chi Jang, he is a proud and stubborn man."
"Like a Chinese Mr. Darcy."
"But stupid, also like a Chinese Mr. Bingley."
"I love Mary Poppins." (Veep, S05E08)
"Mommy is going to free Tibet." (Veep, S05E08)
"H.R. Fucknstuf, Jonah won the election?!" (Veep, S05E08)
"This is my dream, that you can believe in yourself so hard that you eventually become a congressman." (Veep, S05E08)
Andy Daly as an Islamic terrorist (Decker: Unclassified, S01E01)
"This is Scott Clam, just a little clam boy who wants to grow up to be a full clam man." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S04E01)
O.J.: Made in America Season Grade: A
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Game of Thrones The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Veep
"No one from D.C. goes to fuckin' Annandale." (Veep, S05E06)
"I was just getting some B-roll of the fax machine." (Veep, S05E06)
"Korean barbecue is a travesty." (Veep, S05E06)
"Go out there and turn this thing around, all right? The widow is beating you by 30 points. She's a retired second grade teacher, for Christ's sake."
"Yeah, who sucks and gives too much homework…"
"She's your second grade teacher?" (Veep, S05E06)
"And I'm not even gonna mention fromunda." (WWE Raw, 05-30-16)
RT: When Paige and Elizabeth tune in to General Hospital, they're watching a scene between lovebirds Grant Putnam and Celia Quartermaine. But there's a twist: Grant isn't Grant at all! He's Grant Andrews, a.k.a. Andrei Chernin, a Russian spy working for the shadowy organization known as DVX. (The Americans, S04E12)
Archer Season Grade: D-
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Game of Thrones Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets
"Mom! Don't eat the shoulder cheese!" (Bob's Burgers, S06E18)
Smash cut to a penis (Game of Thrones, S06E05)
(Game of Thrones, S06E05)
RT: This is the first thing said to Hodor when Hodor first appears on GAME OF THRONES. (Game of Thrones, S06E05)
"Ain't nobody want to live in a world without girl-on-girl action and ground beef." (The Carmichael Show, S02E12)
"Just to be clear, if I turn on the parental control setting, I can block the lesbians and still stream Ellen?" (The Carmichael Show, S02E12)
"I hate this stupid toilet that Felix put in here. It doesn't even have a seat!"
"It's like a really nice prison toilet." (Bob's Burgers, S06E19)
"I'm not dying. I'm just getting my butt skin ripped off so I can be in a magazine." (Bob's Burgers, S06E19)
"Bob got stuck on a toilet and all I got was a great slice of pizza from Jimmy Pesto's" shirt (Bob's Burgers, S06E19)
Bob's Burgers Season Grade: C
The Burp King of Westchester! (Preacher, S01E01)
The sales employees playing lacrosse (Silicon Valley, S03E05)
"It really hurts to roll my eyes." (Veep, S05E05)
"Ain't no challenge been invited Jonah Ryan can't do."
"Ice bucket challenge. You backed out of that."
"Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick."
"Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever ALS is." (Veep, S05E05)
Square One Television (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"Eddie, here's the thing: We all want Alison to say the punchline to the crack joke. Alison wants to say the punchline to the crack joke." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"It's a Chinese polite fight. You're never supposed to give in." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"We recorded a more age-appropriate program for you to watch."
[Mama's Family opening credits]
"Ah-ha! Those hayseeds!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"You said 'yes'?"
"In the middle of a Chinese polite fight?!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"Who knows what my life could have become? Maybe we would have sat next to my mullet at the restaurant." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"I'm just glad he [Chris Rock] doesn't do lame Asian jokes." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"The Browns are leaving Cleveland." – well-played slow play (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
RT: "Much wobbling in the '95-'97 zone in this one…Cleveland Browns '95, Bring the Pain '96, Backstreet Boys got famous… (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: B-
The Night Manager Season Grade: C
(Lady Dynamite, S01E06)
"You know what deflation is? Ambition just leaving your body." (Lady Dynamite, S01E06)
"It's chapter two in my book – Keepin' It Carol, Carol Simples."
"Oh, that's fun that you didn't go with the obvious pun."
"What do you mean?"
"Keepin' It Simples."
"Oh, my God! I left it on the table. Shit! Fuck! What am I gonna do with all those fucking mugs?"
"It is a calendar for ladies called a 'palendar.'"
"You didn't go for 'galendar'?"
"[straining] What in the shiiiiiiiit, Carrrooolll!" (Lady Dynamite, S01E08)
Adrian Zmed (Lady Dynamite, S01E08)
Apple's "1984" ad? Apple's "1984" ad (Lady Dynamite, S01E10)
Lady Dynamite Season Grade: C-
The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Game of Thrones Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets
Daario's trucker mudflap dagger (Game of Thrones, S06E04)
The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: C-
"It tasted like a big ol' mouthful of divorce." (Cutthroat Kitchen, S12E07)
"Compromise is the shared hypotenuse of the Conjoined Triangles of Success." (Silicon Valley, S03E04)
"You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah." (Veep, S05E04)
"Why would China go through Qatar?"
"Qataris love to insert themselves. They're wet-fingered."
"They're into ass play?"
"No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds."
"I bet they're into ass play too." (Veep, S05E04)
A gay boy whose sexuality is unacknowledged (Bob's Burgers, S06E16)
"The true history of the world is the history of great conversations in elegant rooms." (Game of Thrones, S06E03)
A fart joke (Game of Thrones, S06E03)
"My watch has ended." (Game of Thrones, S06E03)
"This meeting cannot make it past the school book depository."
"I'm loading my gun and heading to the sixth floor." (Veep, S05E03)
"This is like that famous scene from the movie Heat. You know, with De Niro and Brenneman." (Veep, S05E03)
"Take your romance, and your memories, which are a most kind fiction, and go." (Penny Dreadful, S03E02)
"There's only seven types of stories: Man vs. man, man vs. dog, dog vs. zombie, James Bond, stories of kings and lords, women over 50 finding themselves after divorce, aaaand car commercial." (New Girl, S05E21)
"How do you know this?"
"That's what I do. I drink and I know things." (Game of Thrones, S06E02)
"I feel like Pablo" hoodie (The Carmichael Show, S02E09)
"I'm sorry, but she was very mean. She called me 'Triscuit.'"
"What does that mean?"
"Brown cracker." (The Carmichael Show, S02E09)
"We used to have a million nicknames for this guy. We called him 'Fatty Dicksuckle' and 'B-B-Benny and the Jizz'… 'Buttfucker.'"
"Buttfucker – that's me." (Veep, S05E02)
Kent trying to establish Sue's age (Veep, S05E02)
"I'm not that kind of a president." (Veep, S05E02)
"He fucked me, and then he fucked me? What is he, trying to fuck me?" (Veep, S05E02)
Dr. Frankenstein and Mr. Hyde (Penny Dreadful, S03E01)
…and Dracula (Penny Dreadful, S03E01)
"It's a little Kardashian." – Richard Blais describing a pasta dish (Cutthroat Kitchen, S12E10)
The cannibal's lip-licking/smacking (Mr. Pickles, S02E03)
"Now go to N'awlins, you nosy bitch." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E22)
"'Hey, you guys, let's help poor people.' I don't remember saying that."
"Hey, so, you ready to get up there?"
"Oh, I don't know. I thought these Jimmy-isms would help me crack the eulogy, but… I know I said more profound things. I don't ever remember being this obsessed with side boob." (Grandfathered, S01E21)
"You wouldn't make a dime as a French whore."
"You would make zero dollars."
"I'd make millions. Millions. Bonjour. Croissant. Millions." (New Girl, S05E20)
"He just shows up out of the boo, and then all of a sudden, expects—"
"Blue. It's blue."
"Well, thanks, Eistein." (New Girl, S05E20)
"If it goes poorly, I'm not putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. Also, nowhere in that rhyme does it say he's an egg."
"He's most definitely an egg, Nick."
"So what kind of king uses all those resources to put together one egg?"
"It's a parable. Humpty Dumpty is the king."
"Who told you that?" (New Girl, S05E20)
"As they say, 'wine is fine, but bourbon is shwourvon.'" (New Girl, S05E20)
Lucious sleeps in a do-rag (Empire, S02E16)
This episode is titled "The Magic of David Copperfield V: The Statue of Liberty Disappears" (The Americans, S04E08)
Flash forward! (The Americans, S04E08)
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The People v. O.J. Simpson Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets
"Fuck everyone who isn't us." (Game of Thrones, S06E01)
"Working class people don't get depression. Depression is a luxury of wealth and free time."
"Depression is a disease of the opulent." (The Carmichael Show, S02E08)
"Your braids and aggressive demeanour tell us you've been through a lot of pain." (The Carmichael Show, S02E08)
"Hi, and welcome to the White Youth Focus TV show." (United Shades of America, S01E01)
"We don't think making Harrison more like West Africa is an improvement." (United Shades of America, S01E01)
"Did you guys put the sign up?"
"Yeah–no." (United Shades of America, S01E01)
(Silicon Valley, S03E01)
"I'm a big fan."
"Oh, really? Of what? Metamucil? Polio? The phonograph? A nice piece of fish? Segregated water fountains? Senior citizen discounts at Perkins family restaurants? Erectile dysfunction because of corroded penile arteries? Deviled eggs as an entrée? [pause] Liking Ike?" (Silicon Valley, S03E01)
"With your help, we think we can cut our 'stache lag to just…20-millisecond motion-to-photon?" (Silicon Valley, S03E01)
"I don't think we're 'symposium on race' desperate yet…" (Veep, S05E01)
"I LBJ'd you, okay? I'm the LBJ queen." (Veep, S05E01)
"Catherine, why is that your hair?" (Veep, S05E01)
Bar wordplay – white Russian, logger, bloody Mary (Mr. Pickles, S02E02)
"I was just making a Pop Tart bagel sandwich. The Pop Tarts were the bread, and the bagel was the meat." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E20)
"Yes, Frank, that's my name – seafood." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E20)
Jalen Rose (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E20)
"Bagel is a meat." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E20)
Busta Rhymes with fake dreadlocks (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E20)
"Beans are nothing but soggy nuts." (New Girl, S05E17)
"Return of high Jess." (New Girl, S05E18)
"Stripper ass smells good." (Empire, S02E15)
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The People v. O.J. Simpson Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets