"How could she be so sick but still so strong?"
"Like the economy!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E01)
"It's so cool how he's, like, a spirit that can be different things to different people."
"Like Tom Brady." (Bob's Burgers, S07E01)
"Chicks love corn nuts." (Son of Zorn, S01E02)
Betty Draper shot Don Draper (The Last Man on Earth, S03E01)
"God, Tandy, why do you have such a tent in your shorts about these guys?"
"That's collected fabric!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E01)
Ballers Season Grade: D
"Cool, cool cool cool cool cool. Our country is broken." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
"See you never, drive-through vape station!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
"We can outsmart some small town sheriff. We're NYPD detectives. We caught the Son of Sam. Ice T plays us on TV. We keep the Tonys safe." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
"Enjoy your blood yogurt." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
"Maria Conchita Alonzo. Celery Flintstone." (New Girl, S06E02)
"'Every moment you're on this earth is a moment I know where you are.' You know who wrote that?"
"Great James Baldwin."
"No, you wr— James Baldwin? What?!" (New Girl, S06E02)
Black Bieber (Atlanta, S01E05)
"How much for a beer?"
"Oh, it's gratis."
"Oh, well… I'll have a Hennessy and Grand Marnier." (Atlanta, S01E05)
"I guess I've been trying to be so cool lately that I became something I'm not."
[turns hat forward]
"This is me. This is the real Justin." (Atlanta, S01E05)
"People don't want Justin to be the asshole; they want you to be the asshole. You're a rapper. That's your job." (Atlanta, S01E05)
Biz Markie (Empire, S03E02)
Andre's life matters? (Empire, S03E02)
"We have surrounded our kids with so much white people stuff that they no longer believe in God. So, from here on out, no more almond milk, radicchio, hummus, goat cheese, or quail egg. To hell with Whole Foods. From here on out, we are a Food 4 Less family. And you know who shops there? True believers." (Black-ish, S03E02)
Cuba Gooding Jr. doggystyling Lady Gaga (American Horror Story, S06E03)
A Taiwanese dude named "Jianyu" (The Good Place, S01E04)
"It's impossible for anything to be more perfect than perfect."
"It isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé." (The Good Place, S01E04)
"Beautiful, beautiful Jacksonville." (The Good Place, S01E04)
"Of course I have dreams, man. I don't want to be a DJ in Jacksonville forever. I want to DJ in Daytona, Tallahassee, Tampa even. I want it all." (The Good Place, S01E04)
"Bortles!" (The Good Place, S01E04)
An episode told from a dog's point of view (High Maintenance, S01E03)
An Asian character named "Jianyu" (The Good Place, S01E01)
Ted Danson licking his sweat (The Good Place, S01E02)
"I wasn't freakin' Gandhi, but I was okay… I was a medium person. I should get to spend eternity in a medium place, like Cincinnati. Everyone who wasn't perfect but wasn't terrible should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati." (The Good Place, S01E02)
"We could've literally been flying, and all you wanted to do was talk about morals. I mean, you're like the worst part of Superman." (The Good Place, S01E02)
"I'm not a mountain of strength; I'm a canyon…full of poo poo." (The Good Place, S01E02)
"End of the line, slut."
"I'm sorry. Huh? What are you trying to say?"
"He said, 'End of the line, slut'!" (Vice Principals, S01E09)
Principal Gamby knife (Vice Principals, S01E09)
Vice Principals Season Grade: D+
Father John Misty (Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio, S01E10)
Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio Season Grade: D
DJ B-day (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E01)
"That's a high school graduation ring. Dan Marino High."
"Marino High. Home of the Dolphins, I suspect."
"No, Pet Detectives."
"Classic film. One of my childhood favourites. And it only gets overtly transphobic at the very end, so, a win." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E01)
"I poked my head in the shower. Perfect. Gentle, unrelenting pressure. Like when my mom made me rehearse my Haftorah portion. (New Girl, S06E01)
Schmidt's pronunciation of "coupons" (New Girl, S06E01)
"You can't control who you panache." (New Girl, S06E01)
"Narnia…" (New Girl, S06E01)
Arthur meme (Atlanta, S01E04)
"But you know who Steve McQueen is, though."
"Yeah, well, I'm Nigerian." (Atlanta, S01E04)
"Black people don't know who Steve McQueen is." (Atlanta, S01E04)
"Chinese people are short 'cause of Genghis Khan." (Atlanta, S01E04)
♫: Michael Kiwanuka – "Home Again" (Atlanta, S01E04)
Birdman (Empire, S03E01)
"You got to go ahead of Green Day. Did you see the puss on Tré Cool?" (Black-ish, S03E01)
"This isn't Burn Notice. There are no blue skies for you out there. Characters like you are not welcome here." (Mr. Robot, S02E12)
"TerenceColby@aol.com." (Mr. Robot, S02E12)
"What is really happening?" (Mr. Robot, S02E12)
Mr. Robot Season Grade: C
"That's what the money's for!" (You're the Worst, S03E04)
"Nothing gets this pimp through a dumb baby class like toilet beer." (You're the Worst, S03E04)
"Rainbro Cones" (One Mississippi, S01E05)
One Mississippi Season Grade: C-
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta
"So you can fuck Bill Hayden, but I can't let Jen Abbott suck upon my penis?" (Vice Principals, S01E08)
♫: Run the Jewels – "A Christmas Fucking Miracle" (Vice Principals, S01E08)
"We fitna go run up on a hog right now." (Running Wild with Bear Grylls, S03E06)
(WWE SmackDown Live, 09-13-16)
"How do you make money?"
"I sell drugs. It's lucrative."
"Yeah, man. It's easy. People are addicted to 'em." (Atlanta, S01E03)
"What you call your gun?"
"Nigga, 'gun.'" (Atlanta, S01E03)
Migos (Atlanta, S01E03)
"Can I get you something to drink?"
"Uh, tap water's fine."
"Earn, I can't drink by myself."
"Do you have a Miller High Life? Like, the ones in the can?"
"[chuckles] We got a hipster." (Atlanta, S01E03)
"Man, he nervous as hell. Look at him."
"Well, it's a drug deal, so it's…total vibes." (Atlanta, S01E03)
Valet callback (Atlanta, S01E03)
"The Four Migos." (Atlanta, S01E03)
Joe has an AIDS scare (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E05)
MasterChef Season Grade: D
"Defeats can still be profitable." (Mr. Robot, S02E11)
"I am a woman of time." (Mr. Robot, S02E11)
RT: There were four songs in the episode specifically from the Back to the Future soundtrack. Back to the Future: Part II was very much about alternate timelines.
If we want to know more about Phase 2, we need to listen. (Mr. Robot, S02E11)
O.J. and Marcia (American Horror Story, S06E01)
Chaz Bono plays one of the hillbilly neighbours (American Horror Story, S06E01)
"My brother married one jumpy bitch." (American Horror Story, S06E01)
The Blair Witch Story (American Horror Story, S06E01)
The ground breathing (American Horror Story, S06E01)
"You cannot just show up places."
"Well, then stop Foursquaring yourself every time you leave the house like the mayor of Thirstytown. Also, stop using Foursquare like the mayor of 2011." (You're the Worst, S03E03)
"Can we go on a cruise? That's my dream vacation."
"Okay, well, if your idea of paradise is succumbing to norovirus on a floating red state, then…sure." (You're the Worst, S03E03)
"We also have a cutting edge new line-up of the hottest new hybrid workouts: Piloxing [pilates and boxing], yogitsu [yoga and jiu-jitsu], spowing [spinning and rowing], Zustified [that's Zumba while you binge-watch Justified]…" (You're the Worst, S03E03)
"Could you pick up Lotte? I'm getting a job and Van's on a date."
"Really! Good for her." (Atlanta, S01E01)
"I need Malcolm. You too Martin. You know what they did to him? They killed him."
"Didn't they kill Malcolm too?"
"No, they say that, but ain't nobody seen the body since the funeral."
"…That's how funerals work." (Atlanta, S01E01)
"What you really need is a silent wild card, somebody who's about the money, the opportunity, who can play both sides as needed."
"Oh, like Don Lemon." (Atlanta, S01E01)
"I'm sorry, who is this dude?"
"Darius, man! We met over there by the…when you first walked in…I gave you a cookie…" (Atlanta, S01E01)
"Ain't you homeless?"
"Not real homeless. I'm not using a rat as a phone or something…"
"That make you schizophrenic. That don't make you homeless."
"If you could use a rat as a phone, man, that'd be genius. It's like five rats for every one person in New York alone. Everybody would have an affordable phone. It'd be messy, but…worth it." (Atlanta, S01E01)
"Muckin' / Muckin' / That's massage and fuckin'…" (Atlanta, S01E01)
"Did you just come from that dumpster?"
"No." (Atlanta, S01E01)
"I was just wondering, could I measure your tree?" (Atlanta, S01E01)
Nutella (Atlanta, S01E01)
"Nigga, if you don't bite this sandwich…" (Atlanta, S01E01)
"I like Flo Rida. Moms need to enjoy rap too." (Atlanta, S01E01)
"Ey, you listen to Gucci Mane?
"Man, I locked that nigga up!" (Atlanta, S01E02)
"A good steak's like a prize fight – it ain't good unless it's bloody." (The Get Down, S01E02)
"Somebody taught you how to do that championship fucking." (The Get Down, S01E03)
"Nigga, this is Flash territory." (The Get Down, S01E04)
"Herbert Gunns wants to talk to me? What for?"
"He said it's about cock."
"Cock? What, what the fuck are you talking about?"
"Cock! Ed Cock!"
"He said he's the man behind cock."
"KOCH!" (The Get Down, S01E04)
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Eric Andre Show
33. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog stages a focus group with Trump's biggest supporters, presenting a series of increasingly outrageous and extremely fake campaign ads, to find out how far they're willing to go in support of their candidate. (Triumph, Summer Election Special 2016)
Muslim Dunk Tank (Triumph, Summer Election Special 2016)
Donnie looks distractingly like Bradley Cooper (Preacher, S01E10)
"You're not God, are you?"
"I am the alpha and the omega."
"No, you're not. I just saw you picking your nose."
"Noo…my son, I was…scratching it." (Preacher, S01E10)
Preacher Season Grade: C
"I bet when she gets up here she smells like fucked buttholes." (Vice Principals, S01E03)
"My wine sack! Who did this? Who drank my Chablis?!"
"No one drank it. We poured it out. The pouch made it taste all meaty." (Vice Principals, S01E03)
"Ma'am, if I may, why drug him? Would've been just as easy to shoot and leave."
"Killing a man instantly robs him of explanation. He has no time to process his final moments. Now, even though he was paralyzed, his mind was still able to understand why his life was ending. We let him die with answers. Otherwise, we're nothing but ruthless murderers." (Mr. Robot, S02E05)
Josh Groban Night (Mr. Robot, S02E05)
"It's like having sex with a protractor." (Fleabag, S01E03)
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Eric Andre Show
The angels wait for the shuttle bus to Hell in front of the Bear Canyon Arroyo Spillway Dam, which is where Ed on Breaking Bad picked up clients who needed to be disappeared. The same dog even walks across the street (Preacher, S01E09)
Sticky Fingaz and Lord Jamar (The Night Of, S01E03)
RT: OH WE LET THE SEAWARD FLY BUT WE CANT SAY FUCK INNIT @USA_Network (Mr. Robot, S02E04)
Clinton Street Baking Company and The MasalaWala (Mr. Robot, S02E04)
"Annihilation is always the answer. We destroy parts of ourselves every day. We photoshop our warts away. We edit the parts we hate about ourselves, modify the parts we think people hate. We curate our identity, carve it, distill it. Annihilation is all we are." (Mr. Robot, S02E04)
"You want Jew time? Do a Jew crime." (The Night Of, S01E02)
"She got her master's from Berkeley."
"Yeah, I bet she went to Berkeley, and I'm pretty affirmative how she got in." (Vice Principals, S01E01)
"I am the scream in your mind." (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
Dominique's sex chat buddy is "happyhardonhenry806," a nod to Christian Slater's pirate radio DJ in Pump Up the Volume (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
"All we are to them are paying fanboys of their poorly-written sci-fi franchise." (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
"You know that bullshit people say about how, when you fall, you gotta get up? I reject that shit, man. You know why? The whole thing is a fall. It can't help but be. A perpetual state of grasping in the dark. It's not about getting up, it's about stumbling, stumbling in the right direction. It's the only true way to move forward." (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
"He's like a blog that nobody reads, but in human form." (Looking, S03E01)
"A guy walks up to a woman at a bar. He flirts with her, he makes small talk, but the woman insists she isn't gonna go home with him. Guy says, 'What if I offer you a million dollars to sleep with me?' The woman's never had a million dollars in her life. She stops and considers the offer very seriously. The guy changes his mind, says, 'What if I change my offer to a dollar instead?' Woman is aghast. 'What kind of woman do you think I am?' Guy says, 'We already figured that out. Now we're just negotiating.'" (Mr. Robot, S02E02)
"I'm late for my church group. Peace." (Mr. Robot, S02E02)
Al Jardine (Decker: Unclassified, S01E04)
"Trumpets make you go brown." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S04E04)
"Jesus, boys, he's eating ground pizza." (Trailer Park Boys, S10E04)
"Well, that's a cobra strike to all of our erect wangs!" (Trailer Park Boys, S10E04)
♫: Joy Division – "Atmosphere" (Stranger Things, S01E04)
Stranger Things Season Grade: B+
The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Veep
"Those are your last words? 'Fuck you'? Come on. You can do better."
"You're shit at dying." (Game of Thrones, S06E08)
"I choose violence." (Game of Thrones, S06E08)
"One day, I'd like to have my own vineyard, make my own wine – The Imp's Delight." (Game of Thrones, S06E08)
"You are a great fertile bitch of evil." (Penny Dreadful, S03E07)
"We're going to make you into a proper woman." (Penny Dreadful, S03E07)
"My dignity is in your hands, Richard."
(Silicon Valley, S03E08)
"If I hear wind of these rumours spreading out of control, I'm gonna send it to every tech publication and blog on the face of the earth. Do you understand?"
"Even Uproxx?" (Silicon Valley, S03E08)
"How is it that that Asperger salad inserted herself into this situation?"
"President Lu trusts her, likes what she did with the I.M.F."
"No, I'll tell you what he likes – Nordic beav."
"Irresistible." (Veep, S05E08)
"And now, they are discussing how casually you are dressed. They say you look like…prisoner or…pirate……an exercise book." (Veep, S05E08)
"Why did Menopause not warn us?" (Veep, S05E08)
The running gag of Marjorie resembling Selina from behind (Veep, S05E08)
"Even labour and delivery with her was a nightmare."
"Oh yes? Why is that? You have a very narrow vagina?" (Veep, S05E08)
"Chi Jang, he is a proud and stubborn man."
"Like a Chinese Mr. Darcy."
"But stupid, also like a Chinese Mr. Bingley."
"I love Mary Poppins." (Veep, S05E08)
"Mommy is going to free Tibet." (Veep, S05E08)
"H.R. Fucknstuf, Jonah won the election?!" (Veep, S05E08)
"This is my dream, that you can believe in yourself so hard that you eventually become a congressman." (Veep, S05E08)
Andy Daly as an Islamic terrorist (Decker: Unclassified, S01E01)
"This is Scott Clam, just a little clam boy who wants to grow up to be a full clam man." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S04E01)
O.J.: Made in America Season Grade: A
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Game of Thrones The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Veep
"No one from D.C. goes to fuckin' Annandale." (Veep, S05E06)
"I was just getting some B-roll of the fax machine." (Veep, S05E06)
"Korean barbecue is a travesty." (Veep, S05E06)
"Go out there and turn this thing around, all right? The widow is beating you by 30 points. She's a retired second grade teacher, for Christ's sake."
"Yeah, who sucks and gives too much homework…"
"She's your second grade teacher?" (Veep, S05E06)
"And I'm not even gonna mention fromunda." (WWE Raw, 05-30-16)
RT: When Paige and Elizabeth tune in to General Hospital, they're watching a scene between lovebirds Grant Putnam and Celia Quartermaine. But there's a twist: Grant isn't Grant at all! He's Grant Andrews, a.k.a. Andrei Chernin, a Russian spy working for the shadowy organization known as DVX. (The Americans, S04E12)
Archer Season Grade: D-
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Game of Thrones Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets
"Mom! Don't eat the shoulder cheese!" (Bob's Burgers, S06E18)
Smash cut to a penis (Game of Thrones, S06E05)
(Game of Thrones, S06E05)
RT: This is the first thing said to Hodor when Hodor first appears on GAME OF THRONES. (Game of Thrones, S06E05)
"Ain't nobody want to live in a world without girl-on-girl action and ground beef." (The Carmichael Show, S02E12)
"Just to be clear, if I turn on the parental control setting, I can block the lesbians and still stream Ellen?" (The Carmichael Show, S02E12)
"I hate this stupid toilet that Felix put in here. It doesn't even have a seat!"
"It's like a really nice prison toilet." (Bob's Burgers, S06E19)
"I'm not dying. I'm just getting my butt skin ripped off so I can be in a magazine." (Bob's Burgers, S06E19)
"Bob got stuck on a toilet and all I got was a great slice of pizza from Jimmy Pesto's" shirt (Bob's Burgers, S06E19)
Bob's Burgers Season Grade: C
The Burp King of Westchester! (Preacher, S01E01)
The sales employees playing lacrosse (Silicon Valley, S03E05)
"It really hurts to roll my eyes." (Veep, S05E05)
"Ain't no challenge been invited Jonah Ryan can't do."
"Ice bucket challenge. You backed out of that."
"Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick."
"Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever ALS is." (Veep, S05E05)
Square One Television (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"Eddie, here's the thing: We all want Alison to say the punchline to the crack joke. Alison wants to say the punchline to the crack joke." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"It's a Chinese polite fight. You're never supposed to give in." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"We recorded a more age-appropriate program for you to watch."
[Mama's Family opening credits]
"Ah-ha! Those hayseeds!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"You said 'yes'?"
"In the middle of a Chinese polite fight?!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"Who knows what my life could have become? Maybe we would have sat next to my mullet at the restaurant." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"I'm just glad he [Chris Rock] doesn't do lame Asian jokes." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
"The Browns are leaving Cleveland." – well-played slow play (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
RT: "Much wobbling in the '95-'97 zone in this one…Cleveland Browns '95, Bring the Pain '96, Backstreet Boys got famous… (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E24)
Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: B-
The Night Manager Season Grade: C
(Lady Dynamite, S01E06)
"You know what deflation is? Ambition just leaving your body." (Lady Dynamite, S01E06)
"It's chapter two in my book – Keepin' It Carol, Carol Simples."
"Oh, that's fun that you didn't go with the obvious pun."
"What do you mean?"
"Keepin' It Simples."
"Oh, my God! I left it on the table. Shit! Fuck! What am I gonna do with all those fucking mugs?"
"It is a calendar for ladies called a 'palendar.'"
"You didn't go for 'galendar'?"
"[straining] What in the shiiiiiiiit, Carrrooolll!" (Lady Dynamite, S01E08)
Adrian Zmed (Lady Dynamite, S01E08)
Apple's "1984" ad? Apple's "1984" ad (Lady Dynamite, S01E10)
Lady Dynamite Season Grade: C-
The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Game of Thrones Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets
Daario's trucker mudflap dagger (Game of Thrones, S06E04)
The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: C-
"It tasted like a big ol' mouthful of divorce." (Cutthroat Kitchen, S12E07)
"Compromise is the shared hypotenuse of the Conjoined Triangles of Success." (Silicon Valley, S03E04)
"You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah." (Veep, S05E04)
"Why would China go through Qatar?"
"Qataris love to insert themselves. They're wet-fingered."
"They're into ass play?"
"No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds."
"I bet they're into ass play too." (Veep, S05E04)