What in tarnation is Paula Malcomson's accent? (Ray Donovan, S01E01)
He dyed him green? (Ray Donovan, S01E01)
Love the moobs and strength suit continuity (The Venture Bros., S05E05)
"Rumour has it the creature on the cover of Diamond Dogs is actually an unaltered photo of the Sovereign. He may also have been the woman beside Bowie on the cover of Pin Ups." (The Venture Bros., S05E05)
An OSI agent named Slap Chop (The Venture Bros., S05E05)
Tank Top (The Venture Bros., S05E05)
"Did Joe Eszterhas write that for you?" (The Venture Bros., S05E05)
Who is he…? OH. The lead in Submarine! (Skins, S07E01)
"Can you imagine our neighbours back in Brentwood helping out this way?"
"I don't even know who our neighbours are."
Lolololol (Under the Dome, S01E02)
"Jesus, look at his stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it." (Veep, S02E09)
"Oh, no, that's a fuckin' wire brush to my hemorrhoids." (Veep, S02E09)
"He's just a varicose dick vein." (Veep, S02E09)
"Put this on. It's some ice cold lobster. Here's a couple of shrimp." (Family Tree, S01E05)
Speed Racer (Futurama, S07E14)
"Aww man, I can't afford no Medicare co-payments!" (Futurama, S07E14)
"Amy's birthday is this weekend. Are you gonna be back in time to throw her a party?"
"Ohhh… Actually, not this year. I'm gonna be… I'm gonna be M.I.A."
"Oh, that's a good disguise. You gonna get a wig?"
"You gonna get eye shadow and a wig? 'Cause you're gonna be M.I.A."
"…Are you making a joke?"
"Get high like paper, get fly like planes. Calling all trains. Pew pew." (Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous, S01E08)
"I do remember certain things from my past. Yes, it's coming back to me now. 1945. My owner was a little girl – Anne. Anne Frank. Anne and her rules. No walks, no trips to the groomers. In the end, I just snapped. I screamed at her. "ANNE! I'M DYING HERE! IT'S LIKE WE NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE!" And thank God, these well-dressed German men heard my barking and broke into the attic. Those brave heroes rescued me." (Wilfred, S03E01)
"There's only one way to settle this: rape fight." (Wilfred, S03E01)
"Lead singer of Smash Mouth handjob giver." (Wilfred, S03E02)
"Who do I look like? Fonzie?"
"Nothing? Really? Fonzie? Eyyyyy… Nothing?"
"The bear?" (Maron, S01E08)
Evidently, it's face blindness week. (Hannibal, S01E10)
"Give me an old royal and a glass of scotch and I'll give you 250 pages where the lightning hits the tree."
"That's not what we do here."
"I mean, where the drop hits the pond." (Arrested Development, S04E04)
"Oh, so it's your daughter you're here to see?"
"Yes. Maeby." (Arrested Development, S04E05)
"And Jeremy Piven" (Arrested Development, S04E07)
"Feral Jesus" (Arrested Development, S04E07)
Steve Holt is unrecognizable. (Arrested Development, S04E07)
"Maybe they should retitle this 'Fantastic Three and Lousy One.'" (Arrested Development, S04E09)
Tobias as Sue Storm (Arrested Development, S04E09)
"I'm here, I'm queer, and now, I'm in a chair!" (Arrested Development, S04E11)
"I'm serving three to five."
"[gasp] Like the saltless pie?" (Arrested Development, S04E14)
"How do I know you're really in the army? Who did Larry Kert replace in Company?" (Arrested Development, S04E14)
RT: The stocks fluctuated in AD world. Big movers: Lucille 1 up, Tobias up. Gob unch. P-Hound's IPO surpassing projections.
"I am the god of tits and wine. I shall build a shrine to myself." (Game of Thrones, S03E08)
"And so my watch begins." (Game of Thrones, S03E08)
"I've had loss in my life. You have to let yourself feel it." (Mad Men, S06E08)
"Are we negroes?" (Mad Men, S06E08)
"I was like the Hunter S. Thompson of bar mitzvahs." (Veep, S02E06)
"Compared to you, that Monet…a piece of shit." (Veep, S02E06)
"Jonah, you're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks." (Veep, S02E06)
"Hey Catherine. Pretty nice cake you got there." (Veep, S02E06)
"Died so young with a broken heart and lungs full of the flatulence of his betrayer." (Family Tree, S01E02)
RT: I love how Bates Motel is set in 20-1952-87-05. (Bates Motel, S01E10)
What is that on Teddy's butt? Hair? (Rectify, S01E06)
Oh. It was ground coffee. (Rectify, S01E06)
RT: I had a big problem with the setting of the corpse totem construction. Isolated on a deserted beach backed by a forest, the only realistic way for a single man to construct the totem was while it was laying on the ground, just as Will fantasized. But the core of the totem is a massive log (looked at least two feet thick, about 20 feet long). It would weigh well over two tons and would require a massive truck to get it out to the beach. Add 15 people's body parts stuck to the pole, the construction would probably be close to 6,000 pounds. There's no counterweighted pulley system I can imagine (in the middle of a long stretch of beach) that would enable one man to lift the totem into a vertical position. You would need an industrial crane to lift the totem into a vertical position, and even then it would not be a one man job. On top of that, there's no way one man could build one side of the totem "decorations" and do anything to the other side until it was lifted into a vertical position (and secured in a very deep hole). Then you would probably need scaffolding to attach the body parts to the other side. It was a huge, arduous project that would require industrial vehicles and (probably) a small team of coworkers. All in the middle of nowhere with what appeared to be no easy access. Then we find out that the killer is a non-muscular guy in his mid-60s. (Hannibal, S01E09)
RT: My first thought was "where the hell is there a beach in West Virginia?" (Hannibal, S01E09)
"It's Filipine, anyway. What is that? Some kind of Chinese-Mexican hybrid, right?" (Maron, S01E04)
"I've never heard of anyone having a boob fetish." (Bob's Burgers, S03E22)
"Who's Louise? I'm just a talking plant. My name is Leafy Greenbrier."
"And I am Kate Bush." (Bob's Burgers, S03E22)
"Chaos isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some are given a chance to climb, but they refuse. They cling to the realm, or the gods, or love – illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is." (Game of Thrones, S03E06)
Joan's chest is almost a right triangle (Mad Men, S06E06)
(Mad Men, S06E06)
Something by Ralph Waldo Emerson (Mad Men, S06E05)
Characters in AMC [Networks] shows like to play Sonic and Sega All-Stars Racing (Rectify, S01E04)
"What happens when the non-existent bumps against the decrepit? A question for the philosophers." (Game of Thrones, S03E04)
"Never knew Bannon could smell so good." (Game of Thrones, S03E04)
"Congressman Furlong called, and he'd like some face time."
"Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva…so, that's a no." (Veep, S02E02)
"Most Jews in this country are fine with pork. 'Pork, shmork,' they often say." (Veep, S02E02)
Old Spanish – 30 Rock reference (Mad Men, S06E04)
Bonding over child molestation (Glee, S04E20)
Alan Yang wrote, directed, and stars in this episode (Parks and Recreation, S05E21)
"Human emotions are a gift from our animal ancestors. Cruelty is a gift humanity has given itself." (Hannibal, S01E05)
How did the killer transform himself into an angel? (Hannibal, S01E05)
"I am not too impulsive."
"You bought us a timeshare in Tampa!"
"The lady at the kiosk said it's the Sacramento of the east."
"But now we gotta go to Tampa every year! Tampa's not a place that you go; it's a place that you end up!" (Happy Endings, S03E21)
"It's impossible to ruin something that's already terrible. It'd be like adding more moms to Facebook." (Happy Endings, S03E21)
Today is the fourth anniversary of The Agony of Defeat, Adam Riff™'s sports Tumblr. Four more years?
14. Oh no they didn't (WWE Raw, 04-01-13)
Paul Bearer's real son: If anyone is wondering, yes WWE did come to us wanting approval for tonight's storyline. The way it was presented to us was ok. Seeing it on screen was a different story. I don't even know what to say.
The Blind Side 2 (Loiter Squad, S02E04)
Stan's speech about the bird and the soft mouth (The Americans, S01E09)
Carl's baseball bat silencer (The Walking Dead, S03E16)
RT: Carl: "Dad, I'm turning into a cold-blooded killer." Rick: "Pssh, whatevs." (The Walking Dead, S03E16)
RT: What's her name who hid under the body… That was a stupid strategy. (The Walking Dead, S03E16)
Good riddance to Andrea (The Walking Dead, S03E16)
RT: Why would they choose the prison over Woodbury? (The Walking Dead, S03E16)
"My master points out that men don't need nipples." (Game of Thrones, S03E01)
"Well, I'm sorry I tried to kill you – according to you, anyway." (Bates Motel, S01E03)
"You think this beard makes me Santa? I'm an elf." (Justified, S04E13)
"Higher up the mountain, worse the footing gets." (Justified, S04E13)
"Natural One" – from the Kids soundtrack to (Suburgatory, S02E19)
"I do like the idea of popcorn kernels in the pancake batter so they self-flip." (Modern Family, S04E19)
"Shoot yourself into me, Clark!" (The Americans, S01E09)
"The Revolutionary War: America won." (The Americans, S01E09)
"You do realize that if you call it a Sophie B. Hawkins dance, people will expect Sophie B. Hawkins to actually be there, right?"
"[laughs] Yes. And when she comes, I'm gonna be like, I will remember you doubting me."
"That's a Sarah McLachlan song." (Community, S04E08)
"That's guy's like Teflon. No matter how much awful stuff he does, he keeps getting another chance."
"Yeah, he's like the Colin Farrell of people." (Community, S04E08)
"There's only one thing I hate more than lying – skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk." (Parks and Recreation, S05E17)
"Nice to meet you. Eat fresh." (The Office, S09E18)
"It is super emotional, like in Toy Story." (The Office, S09E18)
"If so, food." (New Girl, S02E21)
Pam's allergy face (Archer, S04E12)
Fuller: I've been wanting to do the [Shining] bathroom [set] forever. I tried to do it several times on Pushing Daisies but we always had budget restrictions and I wanted it to be exactly like that bathroom. Every show I've done I wanted to build a bathroom that looked like that space. (Hannibal, S01E01)
"I am Sean Connery. I want massage." (Nathan For You, S01E06)
"You look like an assistant manager at a Jacksonville multiplex." (Happy Endings, S03E16)
"Damn you, you Kevin Smith smell-alike!" (Happy Endings, S03E16)
One-armed man – Fugitive reference (Happy Endings, S03E17)
"Say 'saddle up for love.'"
"Seattle has drugs."
"Oh. That's where they have drugs." (Bob's Burgers, S03E17)
"T is for the way you take my breath away. I is for the way I like it when you take my breath away. N is for no one else takes my breath away. And A is for asthma that is a disease that takes people's breath away!" (Bob's Burgers, S03E17)
"I brought some Schnapps."
"Oh, that's bad. That is really bad. Oh my G—oh my God, it just got good."
"You brought two?"
"Double fist it! Double fist it!"
"I'm not mixing peach and mint." (Bob's Burgers, S03E17)
Music: "New Noise" by Refused (The Following, S01E09)
Music: "The Tourist" by Radiohead (Bates Motel, S01E01)
Things that make you go hmmm… – this rape scene (Bates Motel, S01E01)
Louie Anderson (Splash, S01E01)
Louie Anderson (Splash, S01E01)
"I know this is a dumb question, but will a number two help?" (New Girl, S02E19)
Art was a Guns N' Roses fan (Justified, S04E11)
"You deserve a guitar as sexy as you, and… The man who autographed it… Deryck Whibley! It's a signed Whibley, George!" (Suburgatory, S02E17)
"You son of a snitch! What's your favourite movie? Squeal Magnolias?!"
"War Horse…" (Bob's Burgers, S03E16)
"I see James. Where's the peach?" (Loiter Squad, S02E01)
"I wanted to come out here and extend, personally, my heartfelt condolences. I want to extend my heartfelt apologies for your loss…at WrestleMania." (WWE Raw, 03-11-13)
"Oh, you were not aware of this?"
"Your posterior better contact someone at once!" (WWE Raw, 03-11-13)
"First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna acknowledge that this guy's awesome."
"Well, he shoots Theo Tonin, fakes his own death in a spectacular fashion, pushes a guy out of an airplane while he's flying it, parachutes into Harlan County with enough coke and cash to jump-start the economy of a small country, and then he has the balls to get a job in law enforcement, not once, but two times. He spends a couple of days riding around with you while you're looking for him, and now he's run off with a hooker that's half his age! That's some bad-ass shit."
"It's pretty bad-ass."
"Let's go find a whore." (Justified, S04E10)
"That's what you get when you mess with Tony Danza's cousin!"
"Devin Danza?!" (Workaholics, S03E19)
"Has she had you for breakfast, Stan?" (The Americans, S01E07)
Aadip decides to make a cheeseburger with no burger. It's a grilled cheese. So he puts slices of cheese, without bread, directly on the grill top and watches them immediately melt to the cast iron. "Man, they melted so fast. I was trying to grill it to get a nice sear on it." (Worst Cooks in America, S04E03)
"He's just trying to grill cheese. He's grilling cheese! Oh my God!" (Worst Cooks in America, S04E03)
What's behind curtain "not shitting you"? Zonk! (Let's Make a Dead, S03E12)
"You sure about this?"
"It's the only way we can keep you from resisting your urges."
"It's really hard."
"I'll be with you the whole time."
"No, I mean, it's really hard. Handcuffs turn me on."
[gasp] (Shameless, S03E07)
It's White Castle night on television (Shameless, S03E06 / Girls, S02E08)
"Your name's Max Flush and you're looking for a toilet? That's funny."
"And his name is Bob Burger!"
"His name is Bob Burger."
"Um, it's not."
"It isn't, no."
"No! Are you serious?"
"Bob Burgers. Then who am I thinking of?"
"I don't know."
"But the sign…" (Bob's Burgers, S03E15)
"You go play asshole in the mirror." (Justified, S04E09)
"When I take him down, his eyes will be clear." (Justified, S04E09)
"Tell whoever approved this that your face is a present from me to them." (The Americans, S01E06)
"If we call them city lizards, they'd be Mondo Gecko." (Workaholics, S03E18)
"This is like that Ashram Kitchen show Prank'd."
"Or Wilma Valmarammi's Blow Momma." (Kroll Show, S01E08)
"I may have started at Binghamton, but I finished at Syracuse." (Kroll Show, S01E08)
"You've just been Nnamdi'd!" (Kroll Show, S01E08)
"You really you'd this one, huh?" (Community, S04E05)
Adam DeVine is ubiquitous (Community, S04E05)
"He's the Schwarzenegger, I'm the DeVito." (Community, S04E05)
"Gingers smell like pennies." (Glee, S04E15)
"Sorry I don't know the guy who created Pong. Ask me what the release date of Halo 4 is – November 6, 2012." (King of the Nerds, S01E08)
"Let's, you know, de-escalate the situation."
"Oh for… De-escalate your dick!"
"De-… Wait, I mean… Escalate shutting up!" (Archer, S04E08)
"Was there not, like, a cock-hungry vibe?" (Archer, S04E08)
"Can you escort us to a hospital? I bet about three of these women are about to give birth." (Archer, S04E08)
"We all know who the terrorists are."
"Lupe! Come on! You're in America now. You just imply it." (Archer, S04E08)
"Que the hell pasa?" (Archer, S04E08)
"You don't even have a vet license?"
"Thanks to one petty local politician…and one petty barn full of dead horses." (Archer, S04E08)
"Lupe, ya tengo una madre!" (Archer, S04E08)
"Turns out he's some kind of spook."
"Dude, phrasing!" (Archer, S04E08)
"I never got to be mayor of titty city." (The Ben Show, S01E02)
"What the fuck is the point of being fat and black if you can't fuckin' tackle? Jefferson, what did I say is the only career path for you if you're fat and black?"
"Rapping and tackling, sir." (The Ben Show, S01E02)
"We also have to figure out a band name. You guys ready? All right. The Roving Stoves. Sugar Ray Romano. Leave Me the Beaver. The Fartin' Scorseses. Satan's Wang. Ass Piss. 21 Cum Street. Fuck Fuck Goose. Queef Latina. Vagi-Na-Na." (The Ben Show, S01E02)
"But there was one person no one would ever suspect – Santa Claus." (Nathan For You, S01E02)
Unexpectedly dark series finale. Scorched earth (Delocated, S04E01)
"Because the best gift that you can give a loved one is"
"Oral." (Saturday Night Live, S38E16)
"We're pretty awesome wingmen for each other, because we're both the guy that girls want to sleep with, and we're both the other guy too."
"Neither one of us is Tom Cruise or the other one. We're both Iceman." (New Girl, S02E18)
"If you ever come around this house again, you best be prepared for me to get inhospitable." (Justified, S04E08)
"Now all the things you've done, the way you've built your fortunes, it might make you criminals, but it don't make you outlaws. I am the outlaw, and this is my world, and my world has a high cost of living."
"How much do you want?"
"Each. Oh, and I want you to help me get a Dairy Queen franchise." (Justified, S04E08)
"Dairy Queen is like California real estate – value may dip every now and then, but it always goes back up in the summer time." (Justified, S04E08)
"It's funny, because whenever your grandmother orgasmed with me, she always screamed 'Brookstone.'" (The Jeselnik Offensive, S01E02)
Brandon's terrible tattoos (Survivor, S26E03)
"Tessa's gonna attend a school that values a curious mind, creativity, hard work, intellect, whereas you're most likely gonna attend the University of Florida." (Suburgatory, S02E15)
Hogan's Villains (Community, S04E04)
"That's my fish! His name's Jermaine!" (Archer, S04E07)
"A.B.B.A.B. – Always Be Berating and Belittling." (Archer, S04E07)
GameCubes (King of the Nerds, S01E07)
"You guys want tickets to the gun show? Then make sure Ben doesn't take off his shirt, 'cause that's called 'the flappy Jew show.'" (The Ben Show, S01E01)
"Frozen yogurt is one of the most popular treats in America, enjoyed by everyone, like Asian women." (Nathan For You, S01E01)
Mark Cuban hates wristband products (Shark Tank, S04E18)
"Nothing is more racist than having one black friend." (Saturday Night Live, S38E15)
Jorts, is a taxidermist, works at Walmart… (The Amazing Race, S22E01)
This vlogger Joey is excruciating (The Amazing Race, S22E01)
Carla is excruciating. How do you not know what a quarter of a cup is? (Worst Cooks in America, S03E01)
"Hey, let's describe our testicles with a movie title." (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
Jon Benjamin cannot sing in a high vocal range (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
"Me, a freak in the fridge." (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
"I made it rain shrimp! What'd you ever do?"
"Get underneath them. They're self dipping!" (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
Whoa. Tina found herself a boyfriend (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
"Let's go take the Browns to the Super Bowl." (Shameless, S03E05)
"Ian's dick was in your dad's mouth?"
"It's, uhhh, a figure of speech. It's like saying 'none of your business' – 'your dick's in my dad's mouth, man.'" (Shameless, S03E05)
"Can we have a party?"
"You bet! Just as soon as we dig up this old dead crack whore." (Shameless, S03E05)
"Dad, what's this?"
"Uhhh, that's a pacifier for your anus." (Shameless, S03E05)
"Wait, so some guys like to lick wieners?"
"Well, I'm sure, at first, they're attracted to each other's build, and once a connection gets made, then the wieners get licked." (Shameless, S03E05)
"I need to know, where the gay wieners go."
"You know how you plunge a toilet when it's backed up?"
"Think of it as one dude plunging another dude's toilet." (Shameless, S03E05)
Ian and Mickey's first kiss (Shameless, S03E05)
"I totally almost drowned a slut!" (Shameless, S03E05)
"What are these?"
"You don't…you don't know what a pistachio is?"
"It looks like a little penis."
"I don't know if you're joking or not." (Girls, S02E06)
"Young girls are great. Young girls and older ladies. It's the inbetweens that are a problem."
"Right. Exactly. Yeah, women under 18 and over 40 are the best at relationships. 'Cause the young ones, they can still maintain enough insecurity to be vulnerable, which is attractive, and the older ones, they don't have these bullshit expectations of what a relationship needs to be, or doesn't need to be." (Girls, S02E06)
Webster Hall hat (Girls, S02E06)
Directed by Todd Haynes [I'm Not There]? And tonight's episode is directed by David Michôd [Animal Kingdom]? (Enlightened, S02E08)
@DramaOn4: Those asking about Series 2… Watch this space. #utopia (S01E06)
"Anthony Bourdain is, like, the king of ethnic food." (The Taste, S01E05)
"Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. Direct quote, Scott Caan." (New Girl, S02E17)
Tom Walker! Paul Kinsey! Bernard! (Justified, S04E07)