I just finished reading The Revolution Was Televised by Alan Sepinwall. I accidentally downloaded it while trying to spare myself from lugging a 1000-page hardcover novel around New York City.
As I am considerably more knowledgeable about television now than at age 15, I'm tempted to revisit You Don't Know Jack: Television, the expansion pack that stumped me most, see if I can finally conquer it like I did You Don't Know Jack: Movies and You Don't Know Jack: Sports.
Karl Pilkington interviews conjoined twin sisters (An Idiot Abroad, S03E02)
Jon Hamm came up with the idea to adapt Mikhail Bulgakov's account of his early career in medicine, and to cast Daniel Radcliffe as the younger version of his character. Lo, Radcliffe's 21st-birthday present to himself was a trip to Bulgakov's former home in Kiev, and he once started writing his own adaptation (A Young Doctor's Notebook, S01E01)
"My cock is out there somewhere. It's mine, and I'm gonna get it back." (Misfits, S04E06)
"It gets better with age. It's like the vagina Helen Mirren." (New Girl, S02E09)
"You can't throw my microwive away! It's the only thing I love! It's what makes burritos delicious!"
"You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?"
"You're putting me in a tough spot." (New Girl, S02E09)
"Let's be guys, just for today. Let's care about stupid things, talk about sharks, and sci-fi movies, and making everything wireless." (New Girl, S02E09)
(30 Rock, S07E07)
"What is it called when two men intertwine their penises, like the snakes on the medic alert bracelet? Is it called 'red vining'?" (The Office, S09E08)
"So on the Jackson scale, you kinda want between Tito and Janet."
"I don't want Janet's nose. It's a little too thin for me. I don't want Tito's nose. It's a little too wide for me."
"Look at Jermaine."
"Jermaine has a nice damn nose." (The League, S04E07)
And then there were no original cast members. (Misfits, S04E04)
"No profanity" in the prison yard. (The Walking Dead, S03E06)
"I ain't gotta spell 'em, just pay for 'em." (Boardwalk Empire, S03E10)
Punk mocks Austin. (WWE Raw, 11-19-12)
"It's the same thing!"
"Oh really? Is there another guy in Twilight that there's a little bit of a love triangle with?"
"Does Twilight have a wolf in it?"
"Is Twilight in Seattle?"
"Well, then whoever wrote that is smart." (New Girl, S02E08)
"Why don't you throw your hands where my eyes can see?" (Happy Endings, S03E04)
"I know you're pressing the elevator."
"And we on the first floor."
"Well, I'll just take the stairs."
"That would be the basement." (Trapped in the Closet: Part Three)
"Does Chuck have AIDS?" (Trapped in the Closet: Part Three)
"It's En Vogue, with a new lead singer." (Trapped in the Closet: Part Three)
"Then Twan and Sylvester, they walk in, and then they make a left, and then a right, and down stairs, and keep straight, then they make another left, and another left, then up the stairs, third floor, elevator, and through some doors." (Trapped in the Closet: Part Three)
"I can survive, I think. I've got 36 yoghurts." (Friday Night Dinner, S02E05)
"Men are from Mars, and women love penis." (Misfits, S04E02)
"If you think about it, any box could have vibrators in it." (Bob's Burgers, S03E03)
"I just want you to be my gangster." (Boardwalk Empire, S03E08)
Negro gets uppity and promptly dies. (The Walking Dead, S03E04)
Poor Carl. The first vagina he sees after hitting puberty is his mother's. (The Walking Dead, S03E04)
Fienberg: "Andrew Lincoln did some fine 'what's in the box?' acting. If you could juxtapose that with Brad Pitt's performance in the last scene of Se7en, I think you would discover that almost beat for beat, he carefully emulated Brad Pitt's performance."
On The Walking Dead, Sarah Wayne Callies plays Andrew Lincoln's wife. On Prison Break, Callies' character's head ends up in a box. (The Walking Dead, S03E04)
"In Legally Blonde, Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute."
"Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie." (Modern Family, S04E07)
"The kugel is a gateway kugel." (Suburgatory, S02E04)
"Oh, hell yes! Asians!" (South Park, S16E14)
Dr. Hans Gruper. (American Horror Story, S02E04)
"Try to focus on his genitals." (American Horror Story, S02E04)
Dr. Hans Gruper vs. Anne Frank. (American Horror Story, S02E04)
"I was never in Auschwitz. I'm from Scottsdale!" (American Horror Story, S02E04)
"I just started singing, and it just started coming out of me, and, it felt awesome – like a really good poop!" (Glee, S04E05)
"[La Salle] sounds like a pasta dish." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S08E05)
"I'm outta here."
"Car's in the back, Ruxin."
"Oh, shit on a bum!"
"Just kidding. It's in the front."
"Oh, bum shits on me!" (The League, S04E05)
"@Hoya2aPacer: Peter is def the first observer! I'm calling it now!"
Roy Hibbert is a Fringe fan.
Is that a scale model helicopter? (The Walking Dead, S03E03)
"Lovely heroin." (Boardwalk Empire, S03E07)
"I learned that beer tastes like pee pee." (A Very Venture Halloween, 10-28-12)
Woody Allen impressions (New Girl, S02E06)
Jackson 5 marionette costume (Happy Endings, S03E02)
"La Toya should always shut up." (Happy Endings, S03E02)
The same man who wrote Community's "Remedial Chaos Theory" episode wrote this?! (The Mindy Project, S01E04)
"Mr. Donaghy, your closing statements."
"When our founding fathers first set out. Time and time again our nation horizon. Prosperity, dreams, freedom. But, the spirit, journey, destiny. Mitt Romney values, Jenna values. I've, met, people. For this generation, and generations to come. Thank you, America." (30 Rock, S07E05)
"I'm off to find the Mexican." (American Horror Story, S02E03)
"Where do you think you're going…whore?" (American Horror Story, S02E03)
"I have an idea."
"Jerk off party?" (The League, S04E04)
"Swim, swim, stab." (The League, S04E04)
"And we're getting matching tattoos, on our dicks, of the Twin Towers."
"You're right, because then terrorists will target our dicks." (The League, S04E04)
Jason Mantzoukas wrote this episode. When the prosecutor [Nate Corddry] does well, Blake [Rob Corddry] compliments him, saying, "Great move, bro." "Wait, is he your brother?" another juror asks. Nate Corddry previously appeared as "Dr. Jason Mantzoukas" (Childrens Hospital, S04E12)
Matt Lauria joins the army at the end of Friday Night Lights and returns from a tour of Afghanistan on Parenthood – Katims continuity (Parenthood, S04E06)
Joel McHale drives past Paddy's pub (Sons of Anarchy, S05E07)
"Whores get nothing." (American Horror Story, S02E02)
"Show me your mossy bank." (American Horror Story, S02E02)
"I will crush the jelly from your eyes." (Last Resort, S01E05)
"I thought you were Adam Lambert." (The Office, S09E05)
Guillermo del Toro cameo (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S08E03)
Timothy Olyphant as a sushi chef (The League, S04E03)
"Eat my dick! Gattaca!" (The League, S04E03)
"You know Jackie fucking Chan about me. You know fuck all about me! I am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dim-witted compre-fucking-hension. I don't just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of piss slammed in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I'm awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks. This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body. Malcolm is gone! You can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk. I am a fucking host for this fucking job. Do you want this job? Yes, you do fucking want this job. Then you're going to have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do." (The Thick of It, S04E07)
"What's that film that you love?"
"The one about the fuckin' hairdresser, the space hairdresser and the cowboy."
"The guy, he's got a tin-foiled pal and a pedal bin."
"His father's a robot and he's fuckin' fucked his sister!"
"Lego! They're all made of fuckin' lego."
"That's the one." (The Thick of It, S04E02)
Conrad! Megan! Guillermo! (Weeds, S08E11)
Houseguests, Olympic gymnasts awkwardly meet, pretend they know each other (Big Brother, S14E27)
"There are two kinds of heist: Those where the guys get away with it, and those that leave witnesses." (Breaking Bad, S05E05)
"She is a bitch. B-I-C-T-H, and in that order." (Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta, S01E09)
"Glad we're such a first-class organization." (Hard Knocks, S07E02)
"I will not live my life with some other face I do not recognize. I am not Mickey Rourke." (Bullet in the Face, S01E01)
"You know what I do when I'm feeling down? I get outside of myself and do some good in the world. Remember when I mauled that black teenager's face the other day? You think I did that because he had ice cream on his cheek? No. I did it because I hoped it would help him go on to be the next Seal." (Wilfred, S02E09)
"Answer me, or I will ferment beer and serve it in your asshole to war veterans." (Bullet in the Face, S01E03)
"Bearded Clam, 10-4. This is the Boston Strangler."
"Wait, that's your handle?"
"Well, it's a long story. Let's just say I lived in Boston in the '60s, and I'm smarter than the police." (Childrens Hospital, S04E02)
Guest stars: Noah on Suburgatory, Nick on New Girl, Brad on Happy Endings (NTSF:SD:SUV, S02E02)
"The question is: Is the enemy of your enemy your enemy, or is the enemy of your enemy your friend?"
"I have two enemies, so is the enemy of my enemy my enemy, or is the enemy of my other enemy my enemy or friend?"
"No. They could all be your enemies, giving you three enemies. "
"Well, then I have four, because I don't trust Gunter."
"Making the question whether the enemy of your enemy is your enemy or friend, followed by whether that enemy is the friend of your enemy or of the second enemy, and whether one or all three are enemies of Gunter, who is the enemy of both your enemies, but perhaps not of your third enemy, who could also be your friend." (Bullet in the Face, S01E05)
(Olympic Men's Basketball: USA vs. Argentina, 08-06-12)
"If you pause Call of Duty for someone, that's the fucking one." (Hard Knocks, S07E01)
"My mother has told me in the past that if you fart 12 to 15 times a day, you can lose a lot of weight, so I think I'm gonna lose a lot of weight because I'm gonna fart a lot." (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, S01E01)
Losing to a boy in a natural beauty pageant (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, S01E01)
Bidding on miniature bundt cakes and Ruffles at an auction (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, S01E02)
"But it's your tail! If I lose…"
"I'll just…have to tell you when I'm happy." (Wilfred, S02E08)
"So…fuck you or…sorry." (Louie, S03E07)
"I would want you to eat me if it meant surviving. Plus, it'd be kind of cool to come out of you as poo." (Childrens Hospital, S04E01)
Guest stars: Damon on Hung, Glenn on The Walking Dead, Dalia on Suburgatory (NTSF:SD:SUV, S02E01)
"Hey, did you watch the game last night?"
"Michael Douglas is so good in it." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S01E10)