Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

12. Infinite television from infinite universes (Rick and Morty, S01E08)


Honourable Mention

  • Evolution of the eye (Cosmos, S01E02)
  • Raylan vs. Danny Crowe (Justified, S05E10)
  • Morninghead pitch (Shark Tank, S05E21)
  • Lobotomy (Hannibal, S02E04)

Stray Observations

  • "Does it really mean that much to you?"
    "Yes! Look at my face!"
    "Ahhh! One luftballoon!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
  • "It's like the end of The Shining in here." (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
  • "The hand wants what the hand wants." (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
  • "Don't stop. I can still cum if you're crying." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • "Tell your boss you're going home sick tonight."
    "Sick?"
    "Yeah, whatever. Tell him you got AIDS." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • "BJ break isn't for another 45 minutes." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • How can Fiona afford an iPhone? (Shameless, S04E09)
  • "I got a girlfriend."
    "Maybe I should do yours like you did mine."
    "Okay, but only in the ass, alright? She saving herself." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • Chocolate pudding, spray cheese, peach Schnapps, pig feet, pecans, __________ (The Walking Dead, S04E14)
  • CM Punk Phil Brooks crying (Talking Dead, 03-16-14)
  • "I hate watching television because all the old women are shells, and it just hurts to be a shell." (Girls, S03E11)
  • The best the creator of NewsRadio can do is write for this show? (Girls, S03E11)
  • Nanaimo bar perogies (MasterChef Canada, S01E09)


What the fuck kind of Chinese food is that? (Top Chef Canada, S04E02)


(WWE Raw, 03-17-14)

  • "Come on, Cyril. Pick one. Either have a stroke or spit it out." (Archer, S05E08)
  • "There's always a reason to make out." (Bates Motel, S02E03)
  • "Moynihan and piece of toast hate each other." (Rick and Morty, S01E08)
  • "Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV." (Rick and Morty, S01E08)
  • Wilmer Valderrama: Mexican Vampire (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
  • "Souls are like popsicles. Some are sweet, some are bitter, some are strong, some are weak. What flavour are you, Kyle?"
    [...]
    "Cherry lime." (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
  • Wilmer Valderrama: Shapeshifting Mexican Vampire (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
  • "The toilet paper is triple-ply."
    "Turns anyone's bottom into a VIP." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E21)
  • "Terry believes in having a clear topic sentence." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E21)
  • "AID tickles." (Workaholics, S04E09)
  • "Let's eat later tomorrow."
    "What?"
    "We ate dinner early tonight. You don't want to say grace as much when you're hungry."
    "Would you stop being so reasonable?" (The Americans, S02E04)
  • "You know where he was for most of my birthdays? A little place that rhymes with 'not there.'"
    "Times Square?" (Community, S05E10)


(Community, S05E10)

  • "I am ranking topics of conversation for our next phone call. What do you think should be higher priority: Infinity scarves, or whether or not it's worth it for me to get Showtime?" (Parks and Recreation, S06E17)
  • "There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins." (Parks and Recreation, S06E17)
  • "A bass is a gateway instrument." (Portlandia, S04E04)
  • "Creamed horse meat. It's horse meat in horse yogurt." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E04)
  • Human apiary (Hannibal, S02E04)
  • Eyeless and alive (Hannibal, S02E04)
  • Beverly is dead. She was supposed to die in the first season (Hannibal, S02E04)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

11. Racism (Review, S01E02)


Honourable Mention

  • Occupy Raw (WWE Raw, 03-10-14)
  • "Reason not the need" (Justified, S05E09)
  • 'Rise from the grave' trick (Troy, S01E05)
  • The Celery Incident (Portlandia, S04E03)

Stray Observations

  • "Small bits of pork throughout the day is what they say." (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)
  • "I'm gonna take a nap under a warm tortilla and then eat my way out when I wake up."
    "I've heard of a power nap, but a flour nap?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)
  • "Fart School for the Gifted." (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)


Tina's running form (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)


Hidden in plain sight (True Detective, S01E03)

  • "L'chaim, fat ass." (True Detective, S01E08)
  • True Detective Season Grade: B-
  • Chocolate pudding, spray cheese, peach Schnapps, pig feet, __________ (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
  • Music: Beth covers "Be Good" by Waxahatchee, which was originally supposed to be a Neutral Milk Hotel song (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
  • Why didn't Daryl look through the blinds before opening the door? (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
  • "Your God is too small." (Cosmos, S01E01)
  • Debbie's virginity countdown (Shameless, S04E08)
  • Golden Girls ending = perfect (Looking, S01E08)
  • Looking Season Grade: B+
  • "Norman, do you want to do a musical?" (Bates Motel, S02E02)
  • Music: "The Strangest Thing" by The Amazing (Bates Motel, S02E02)


Brogue kick through a bass drum (WWE Raw, 03-10-14)

  • "Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener?" (Rick and Morty, S01E07)
  • "It appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?"
    "[gasps] Ticketmaster…" (Rick and Morty, S01E07)
  • Troy Season Grade: B-
  • The Taste UK Season Grade: C
  • Niko's extracted fetus (Face Off, S06E09)
  • "I'm not taking advice from you. You pronounce the 'G' in 'lasagna.'" (New Girl, S03E19)
  • "Nick could be your lawyer."
    "This Nick? Vivica A. Dropout?" (New Girl, S03E19)
  • "Go back inside!"
    "Are you talking to us or the fart?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
  • "Do they even have pizza in Canada?"
    "Yes. It's puffier, and it's sweet. It's called 'Manitoba sauce cake.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
  • "Did I just plan the worst wedding in history?"
    "Second worst. Red Wedding." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
  • "Maruk. He's the starting center for the Capitals, the largely untalented hockey club that plays here in Washington." (The Americans, S02E03)
  • Music: "Here Comes the Flood" by Peter Gabriel (The Americans, S02E03)
  • "Why you do that, Scott Pilgrim?!" (Workaholics, S04E08)
  • Adam's corn dog hoodie (Workaholics, S04E08)
  • "I broke a bone, but I grew a boner." (Workaholics, S04E08)
  • "Come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz." (Parks and Recreation, S06E16)
  • "I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca." (Parks and Recreation, S06E16)
  • RT: The King of France just fucked a lady out a window and she died (Reign, S01E14)
  • What a final challenge: Calculatrivia, 15 puzzle, cryptogram, sudoku, logic puzzle, spacial problem solving, word search scramble, and Pac-Man – all in 20 minutes? (King of the Nerds, S02E08)
  • Both winners have been women (King of the Nerds, S02E08)
  • King of the Nerds Season Grade: B
  • "Most umps are hunks." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E03)
  • Bray Wyatt Carcosa reference (WWE SmackDown, 03-14-14)
  • "This killer wrote you a poem. Are you going to let his love go to waste?" (Hannibal, S02E03)
  • Strike Back billboard (Banshee, S02E10)
  • Was tollboothing Emmett and his wife really necessary? (Banshee, S02E10)
  • Banshee Season Grade: C+

Late to the Party

  • Hilarious clip: Language Barrier (Getting On, S01E01)
  • Daniel Stern is unrecognizable nowadays (Getting On, S01E05)
  • "I have an anal fissure, so we're dating." (Getting On, S01E06)
  • Getting On Season Grade: B

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

10. Tear Away (Hannibal, S02E02)

Holy shit holy shit holy shit!
#networktelevision


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • Chocolate pudding, spray cheese, peach Schnapps, __________ (The Walking Dead, S04E12)
  • Music: The Mountain Goats – "Up the Wolves" (The Walking Dead, S04E12)
  • "I want to like it; it just looks like barf." (MasterChef Canada, S01E07)
  • "I'm-a plant a red fern for you, jug." (Archer, S05E06)
  • "Kriegerands." (Archer, S05E06)
  • "There's no way a superstar like Kenny Loggins is gonna be registered under his own name."
    "Yeah, it's not like he's Messina."
    "Don't do that. Don't ever do that!"
    "Sorry!"
    "You should be. Jim Messina is a genius. And without him, no Poco." (Archer, S05E06)
  • "I have a lot of pretty major expenses coming up, and since we haven't been paid…"
    "WIC! It's like welfare, but for babies. I don't know, I'm not a Democrat, but I think they give you a birth cheese." (Archer, S05E06)
  • "K-Log didn't order room service." (Archer, S05E06)
  • "Lip chemo?" (Archer, S05E06)
  • "So who's beard guy?"
    "Are you…? That's Kenny Loggins!"
    "[gasps] From Kenny Loggins' Roasters?" (Archer, S05E06)
  • The lead frat boy is voiced by Stan Halen (Chozen, S01E06)
  • "I'm gonna have the freshest Mexican grill since Chipotle." (Chozen, S01E06)
  • Norman's crying (Bates Motel, S02E01)
  • Music: HAIM – "The Wire"!!! (Bates Motel, S02E01)
  • "Whoa! You're going 42! I saw the speed limit was 35!" (Bates Motel, S02E01)
  • "Welcome to the world, ladies! There are axe murderers and whores stuffed under every rug!" (Bates Motel, S02E01)


(WWE Raw, 03-03-14)

  • Man drinks River Thames water (Troy, S01E04)
  • Spotlight Challenge: Anime Alter Egos (Face Off, S06E08)
  • "I have a sexy voice. Champagne. Mountain range. Hugs."
    "Mountain range?"
    "I couldn't think of anything sexy to say."
    "What?! Mountain range. It's the sexiest geological feature. No, wait, sorry. Deep sea trench." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
  • "I love guns. I'm gonna make such a good dad."
    "Not even gonna touch that."
    "The Amy Santiago story." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
  • Andre Braugher saying "kwazy cupcakes" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
  • "'Kwazy' is a difficult word to say in anger." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
  • "When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&J – penis, brain, jaw." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
  • Phillip's 2012 Rust Cohle disguise (The Americans, S02E02)
  • "How about you get on your magic carpet, and, and fly with a woman, and have her not close her eyes, 'cause I know the words! You're not special! I know words to a lot of Disney tracks!" (Workaholics, S04E07)
  • "That's the same exact song he did earlier. It's just a different name."
    "Well, he's human after all. Mexican-human, maybe."
    "Yeah, taking our jobs."
    "Whoa…"
    "No, I'm not saying that!" (Workaholics, S04E07)
  • "Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee hole disaster." (Parks and Recreation, S06E15)
  • 'Olivia Wilde taking her top off' running joke (Portlandia, S04E02)
  • "I'm here in the house of God, name of 'church.'" (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)
  • "My next guest is wizard." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)
  • "Wizard finger smells like fried chicken." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)


(Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)

  • "I am the donation to the foundation." (Inside the NBA, 03-06-14)
  • "When it comes to nature vs. nurture, I choose neither. We are built from a DNA blueprint and born into a world of scenario and circumstance we don't control." (Hannibal, S02E02)
  • Leg osso buco (Hannibal, S02E02)
  • "The traumatized are unpredictable because we know we can survive." (Hannibal, S02E02)


(Hannibal, S02E02)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

9. Ear goes in throat (Hannibal, S02E01)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • Chocolate, cheese – what will they find next? A mollusk? A white pepper? (The Walking Dead, S04E11)
  • "A man's game charges a man's price." (True Detective, S01E06)
  • RT: "You can, in fact, cry like a bitch while wearing a Pantera shirt." (True Detective, S01E06)
  • "If you get the opportunity, you should kill yourself." (True Detective, S01E06)
  • Anachronistic Father John Misty song (True Detective, S01E06)
  • "You wearing cologne?"
    "No, it's Kenyatta's perfume soap shit."
    "You use another dude's soap?"
    "So what?"
    "It's got pubes on it."
    "No, it doesn't."
    "Yes, it does. What guy doesn't have pubes on his soap?"
    "My soap doesn't have pubes on it."
    "Well, obviously, you're not washing your pubes."
    "You came all the way down here to talk about my pubes?"
    "Just give me a gun."
    "You own a bar on the South Side. How the fuck do you not have a gun?" (Shameless, S04E07)
  • Mickey is a fan of Spoon (Shameless, S04E07)
  • Coked-out stripper Ian is too much (Shameless, S04E07)
  • "Are you retarded now? I hope you're sleeping and not in a retarded haze." (Shameless, S04E07)
  • "This is how much money I make a week?"
    "Yeah."
    "This is a lot more than my rent!" (Girls, S03E08)
  • Music: Miguel – "Simplethings" (Girls, S03E08)
  • "C'mon, we're talking about Texas. Somebody somewhere wants enough cocaine to forget they live there."
    "Yeah, but not 100 pounds."
    "Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide."
    "Wonder if there's a statewide database of towns with sucky high school football teams cross-indexed with towns a black person just moved to." (Archer, S05E05)
  • "What's satire?"
    "Nobody really knows." (Archer, S05E05)
  • "Good night, Blade. Good night, Whistler. Good night, Deacon Frost. Good night, rest of the amazing cast of Blade." (Chozen, S01E05)
  • "First, you might want to toss the salad. Then, you could eat my asshole as we both watch The Mentalist." (Chozen, S01E05)
  • "Crazy girls are kind of my Hurt Locker." (New Girl, S03E17)
  • "It sounds like Joy Behar falling down some stairs." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E18)
  • "Oh no… 'Santiago' in B flat. You're disappointed." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E18)
  • "Is there a reason you're interrupting me mid-soup?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E18)
  • "Is there any way to put a reply on TC's blog?"
    "God, no. Technology to reply to a post is decades away." (Justified, S05E07)
  • RT: "That's a really shitty blog, one-legged blogger. Like, GeoCities bad" (Justified, S05E07)
  • The blogger is captured hiding out in his grandma's basement (Justified, S05E07)
  • "I don't know what it is with this guy, but not matter what I do, I just can't win with him."
    "That's the way I am with his son – and Time Warner Cable." (Modern Family, S05E15)
  • "I want to be a fuck machine. Like, I'd like to be a Sybian. I dream of that." (Workaholics, S04E06)
  • "Jettas equal hot chicks. Watch The League, you fuckin' Andre." (Workaholics, S04E06)
  • "He's a brociopath." (Workaholics, S04E06)

RT: "Looks like Paige learned a certain number of things about her parents" (The Americans, S02E01)


(The Americans, S02E01)

  • "And now, you're gonna go pull a Dane Cook in one of those three movies he was in about Dane Cook getting laid by accident, only it's not a Dane Cook movie, Jeff, because this time, someone's watching – me, your friend, British Jason Biggs." (Community, S05E07)
  • "Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing." (Parks and Recreation, S06E14)
  • "Dear Canada, fuck you." (Parks and Recreation, S06E14)
  • "You put me through two years of hell. Do you know how much Adele I had to listen to? What could you possibly have to say for yourself?"
    "…I was in Afghanistan?"
    "You can't Afghanistan a relationship."
    "You'd be surprised what you can Afghanistan." (Enlisted, S01E06)
  • "It's pretty cool you can use these [tampons] for bloody noses. And if I understand the ads correctly, I can swim with it too?" (Enlisted, S01E06)
  • Talent to watch: Mort Burke (Enlisted, S01E06)
  • RT: "Editing style on 'Banshee' this season is like they heard Soderbergh was doing Cinemax show, watched 'The Limey' and said, 'We can do that!'" (Banshee, S02E08)
  • "I can't quite place the fish."
    "He was a flounder." (Hannibal, S02E01)

House of 'Tards


Kevin Spacey's throwing motion (House of Cards, S02E06)

  • Green screen Camden Yards (House of Cards, S02E06)
  • Lex Luthor vs. Raymond Tusk (House of Cards, S02E07)
  • Frank watching porn with headphones on. Vice presidents – they're just like us! (House of Cards, S02E10)
  • Doug: "Will you read to me?" (House of Cards, S02E10)
  • OMG WTF ménage à trois (House of Cards, S02E11)
  • "Floyd Mayweather visited the White House this morning." (House of Cards, S02E12)
  • "You can't dodge and duck like Floyd." (House of Cards, S02E12)
  • Hacker McPoyle's taste in music (House of Cards, S02E12)
  • Did Morley Safer have a stroke? (House of Cards, S02E13)


Feng chillin' (House of Cards, S02E13)

  • Frank Underwood = Triple H (House of Cards, S02E13)
  • So in season three, Frank is Charles Logan? (House of Cards, S02E13)
  • House of Cards Season Grade: B

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


8. Ross and Rachel (Looking, S01E05 / Television Episode of the Year Nominee)


Stray Observations

  • "I can see your soul at the edges of your eyes. It's corrosive, like acid. You've got a demon, little man. There's a shadow in you, son." (True Detective, S01E05)
  • "Why should I live in history, huh? Fuck, I don't wanna know anything anymore. This is a world where nothing is solved. Someone once told me time is a flat circle. Everything we've ever done or will do, we're gonna do over and over and over again." (True Detective, S01E05)
  • "In eternity, where there is no time, nothing can grow, nothing can become, nothing changes. So death created time to grow the things that it would kill." (True Detective, S01E05)
  • All the Emmys to Emmy Rossum and Jeremy Allen White (Shameless, S04E06)
  • Lena Dunham in a bikini forever (Girls, S03E07)
  • I am elated that a weekly magic television programme exists (Troy, S01E02)


Tyler and Chloe's cryptid (Face Off, S06E06)

  • "I'm sick of living cum to cum." (Workaholics, S04E05)
  • "Don't you dare listen to this bro-life propaganda. It's poppycock is what it is." (Workaholics, S04E05)
  • The Taste Season Grade: C
  • "Our reward is dinner with the original cast of Revenge of the Nerds." (King of the Nerds, S02E05)
  • How sick is the cast of eating Little Caesars pizza? (King of the Nerds, S02E05)
  • Poor Hood family. Father shot up, buried twice. Son strangled, put through a meat grinder (Banshee, S02E07)
  • "For the record, I didn't force Marcus to eat meat. He likes meat. He loves it. He's a carnivore. You do not want to be in a plane crash in the Andes when Marcus is on board." (About a Boy, S01E01)

House of Lulz

  • God of War: Ascension (House of Cards, S02E02)
  • DEEP WEB (House of Cards, S02E02)
  • Frank saying "muchas gracias" to the Hispanic congressman (House of Cards, S02E03)
  • Hacker McPoyle (House of Cards, S02E03/S02E04)
  • White powder contrivance (House of Cards, S02E04)
  • Ashleigh Banfield's interview questions (House of Cards, S02E04)
  • An hour-long interview with the Second Lady [like anyone cares] that is, for some reason, live (House of Cards, S02E04)
  • casual encounters >>> m4mw (House of Cards, S02E05)
  • Diary of an abortion doctor (House of Cards, S02E05)
  • Barking? (House of Cards, S02E05)

Anyone want to record a House of Cards: Season 2 "How Did This Get Made?" podcast with me?

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


7. The long tracking shot — it lasts a shade under six minutes — that follows Rust through the stash house and then during his elaborate escape to Marty's car with a prisoner in tow (True Detective, S01E04)


Honourable Mention

  • Cold open (Babylon, S01E01)

Stray Observations



(The Walking Dead, S04E09)


Graham's make-up (Face Off, S06E05)

  • "Don't be cheap. Bertie is a Somalian." (New Girl, S03E16)
  • "Quick question: Is pee pee a write-off?" (New Girl, S03E16)
  • Airport traffic cop humour (New Girl, S03E16)
  • "Oh, Canada. Truly Odie to America's Garfield," (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E17)
  • "A gondola ride along the Gowanus Canal." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E17)
  • "Beating up a white bitch for burgers? That's the shit I like." (Workaholics, S04E04)


Glitter fit (King of the Nerds, S02E04)

  • "Asimov is the only author." (King of the Nerds, S02E04)
  • "I'm a world-class gamer!" (King of the Nerds, S02E04)
  • Decapitation by skidding semi-trailer truck (Banshee, S02E06)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

6. Panties (New Girl, S03E14)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Winston, what happens when you mix fire and ice?"
    "Warm water, baby." (New Girl, S03E14)
  • "So do you like pancakes?" – Chappelle's Show reference (New Girl, S03E14)
  • "I'm just gonna grab a healthy breakfast…"
    "Aren't those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?"
    "Breakfast burrito." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
  • "I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on Iago, backstabber."
    "I'm surprised you've read Othello."
    "What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
  • "Oh my God, we're doomed. Boyle looks like a lesbian!"
    "Don't worry, I had a back-up plan. I distracted her with a mirror!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
  • "Adam Sandler?"
    "Yeah, that's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now about the Russian Revolution."
    "Oh really? Who does Kevin James play in it?"
    "Ah ha ha. It's a serious movie. [pause] Trotsky." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
  • Joe Theismann: "You broke my other leg!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
  • "The highest quality peanut butter…" [shows Kraft peanut butter] (MasterChef Canada, S01E03)
  • "Hi, welcome to Nazi Canada! [mimics fellatio] Eh?!" (Archer, S05E04)
  • "…said Ripley to the android Bishop. Wait, hang on. Um… Oh, goddammit! What was wrong with 'phrasing'?!" (Archer, S05E04)
  • "What kind of oil is this?! I told you grape seed! This is nasty ass olive! I'm gonna smell like Rachael Ray's pussy for the next week!" (Chozen, S01E04)
  • "I thought for a second there you were gonna breast-feed him."
    "Oh sí, I am. The chocolate is for me."
    "Chocolate milk! Chocolate milk!" (Chozen, S01E04)
  • "Nick, I can't give up that farmer's market. Strolling around, chatting with vendors, it's so nice. I feel like Don Corleone." (New Girl, S03E15)
  • Adam Brody plays Jess' ex. Adam Brody played Seth Cohen on The OC. Seth Cohen's favourite band is Death Cab for Cutie. Zooey Deschanel is Death Cab frontman Ben Gibbard's ex (New Girl, S03E15)
  • Max Greenfield played young Sandy Cohen on The OC (New Girl, S03E15)
  • "You brushed my hand at a Dave Matthews concert during 'Two Step.'"
    "'Two Step'?!" (New Girl, S03E15)
  • "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I've led a very fortunate life!" (New Girl, S03E15)
  • "I am Frank Skabopolis!" (New Girl, S03E15)
  • "That's the Nia Vardalos." (New Girl, S03E15)
  • "Stop eating crab wrong!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E16)
  • "I'm fancy. One time, I had coffee-flavoured ice cream." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E16)
  • "Disposing murder victims for money, well, that leaves a bad taste in a Christian's mouth. A small town don't run on a 24-hour news cycle. A small town never forgets. Now word's gonna burn through these hills and hollers like a wildfire. People of Harlan County, rich and poor, will marvel at your debasement and venality. They will spit venom when they speak your name, and they will take your suicide as the last pact of a coward. Now your reputation is ruined, your good word worthless, but death will not be the end of your suffering. For generations, your children, and your children's children, will have a mark against their name, and that will be your legacy." (Justified, S05E05)
  • Art listening to Rush Limbaugh – Art imitates Nick Searcy's life (Justified, S05E05)
  • "I ain't gonna take your compliment after taking your insult." (Justified, S05E05)


(Justified, S05E05)

  • "A man that just talks is no man." (Justified, S05E05)
  • "I am Latin, so I get to feel whatever I want." (Modern Family, S05E14)
  • Top Chef Season Grade: C
  • "I rep Kirkland." (Workaholics, S04E03)
  • "Three dudes in matching Kirkland fits? More like Twirkland, right?" (Workaholics, S04E03)
  • "Oh my gosh, are those Kirkland jeans?"
    "Oh these? Yeah, they are Kirkland. And I'm looking like a boss, though, in head-to-toe Costco." (Workaholics, S04E03)
  • "Black people don't make out with dogs." (Broad City, S01E03)
  • Theme song by Tad Kubler of The Hold Steady (Enlisted, S01E05)
  • "Man, I am a slang word for genitals." (Enlisted, S01E05)
  • "Our tears are private, Private!" (Enlisted, S01E05)
  • The wheat field cinematography (Banshee, S02E05)
  • Music: "Missing Reward" by Mt. Royal (Banshee, S02E05)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

5. Can-can line of family recrimination (Bob's Burgers, S04E11)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Name one movie where puppets get water for people."
    "Pretty Woman."
    "I will have to rent that and see." (Bob's Burgers, S04E11)
  • "If the only thing keeping a person decent is the expectation of divine reward, then brother, that person is a piece of shit." (True Detective, S01E03)
  • "The transference of fear and self-loathing to an authoritarian vessel is catharsis. He absorbs their dread with his narrative. Because of this, he's effective in proportion to the amount of certainty he can project. Certain linguistic anthropologists think that religion is a language virus that re-writes pathways in the brain, dulls critical thinking." (True Detective, S01E03)
  • "The ontological fallacy of expecting a light at the end of the tunnel, well, that's what the preacher sells, same as a shrink. See, the preacher, he encourages your capacity for illusion, then he tells you it's a fuckin' virtue. Always a buck to be had doing that. I mean, it's such a desperate sense of entitlement, isn't it? Surely this is all for me. Me, me, me. I, I, I. I'm so fuckin' important! I'm so fuckin' important!" (True Detective, S01E03)
  • "People incapable of guilt usually do have a good time." (True Detective, S01E03)
  • "People. I have seen the finale of thousands of lives, man. Young, old. Each one is so sure of their realness, you know, that their sensory experience constituted a unique individual with purpose, meaning, so certain that they were more than a biological puppet. Well, the truth wills out, everybody sees once the strings are cut off, all down. [...] Each stilled body so certain that they were more than the sum of their urges, all the useless spinning, tired mind, collision of desire and ignorance." (True Detective, S01E03)
  • "The world needs bad men. We keep the other bad men from the door." (True Detective, S01E03)
  • Beer can origami (True Detective, S01E03)
  • "This is what I mean when I'm talking about time and death and futility. Now there are broader ideas at work, mainly what is owed between us as a society for our mutual illusions. Our 14 straight hours of staring at DBs, these are the things you think of. You ever done that? You look in their eyes, even in a picture. Doesn't matter if they're dead or alive, you can still read them. And you know what you see? They welcomed it, not at first, but right there in the last instant. It's an unmistakable relief. See, because they were afraid, and now they saw for the very first time how easy it was to just let go, and they saw in that last nano-second, they saw what they were, that you, yourself, this whole big drama, it was never anything but a jerry-rig of presumption and dumb will, and you could just let go, finally know that you didn't have to hold on so tight, to realize that all your life, you know, all your love, all your hate, all your memory, all your pain, it was all the same thing, it was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room, a dream about being a person. And like a lot of dreams, there's a monster at the end of it." (True Detective, S01E03)
  • "Jesus! Be more gross and Chinese-y!" (Archer, S05E03)
  • "Have you ever heard a country song?"
    "Umm…'Danger Zone'?" (Archer, S05E03)
  • "So, why'd he build a bunch of tunnels?"
    "To capture runaway slaves and sell them back to their rightful owners. I want to say his plan was to dress like a ghost?" (Archer, S05E03)
  • "Shut your dick trap." (Archer, S05E03)
  • "I wish that shotgun was my penis."
    "If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway." (Rick and Morty, S01E06)
  • "Boy, Morty, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I?" (Rick and Morty, S01E06)
  • "Ugh. I hate that dude's shitty face." (Chozen, S01E03)
  • "Webelo shovel." (Justified, S05E04)
  • Boyd and Tim playing Scrabble (Justified, S05E04)
  • "See ya, Fish Diesel."
    "Could've said Fin Diesel." (Workaholics, S04E02)
  • "You can't dip your pen in company stink." (Workaholics, S04E02)
  • John Starks reference (Workaholics, S04E02)
  • "Oh, it was horrible! I was stuck on a network musical. It was a live version of The Sound of Music. I wasn't even the lead. I was Liesl." (American Horror Story, S03E13)
  • "Liza Minelli talks about her hip." (American Horror Story, S03E13)
  • "If you want a stiff one, come over here." (American Horror Story, S03E13)
  • "I can't spend eternity here! What is this, KNOTTY PIIIINE?!" (American Horror Story, S03E13)
  • American Horror Story Season Grade: B-
  • "I don't start watching shows until they're so popular that watching them is no longer a statement." (Community, S05E06)
  • "Fat dog for midterms." (Community, S05E06)


Troy (Community, S05E06)

  • "Hey, that box has my name on it."
    "Hey, this one has my name on it."
    "This one has plates' name on it!" (Parks and Recreation, S06E13)
  • Rob Lowe dancing to "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers (Parks and Recreation, S06E13)
  • Rob Lowe playing JFK reference (Parks and Recreation, S06E13)
  • No one cares that you're a chemist, Nicole! (King of the Nerds, S02E02)
  • Hannah's book storyline is excruciating (Girls, S03E05)
  • "If I didn't want to have a life, I'd move to L.A." (Looking, S01E03)
  • "Are you talking about being unemployed? Are you crazy? I'm Asian. Our DNA rends itself apart when we lose our jobs." (Looking, S01E03)
  • "Would you have sex with him [Russell Tovey]?"
    "Yeah."
    "Really? With those ears? I mean, those ears are big."
    "Yeah, he's like the white Will Smith." (Looking, S01E03)
  • Jason Hood is played by Dave Thomas' [SCTV] son (Banshee, S02E04)


(Banshee, S02E04)

  • "Coincidentally, I also have yogurt." (Saturday Night Live, S39E13)
  • "Put your hands up if you're down with the cause / Keep them up if your ancestors owned us." (Saturday Night Live, S39E13)
  • "Latino Bert." (Saturday Night Live, S39E13)
  • "Frida Kahlo will jack you up!" (Saturday Night Live, S39E13)
  • The Ambiguously Gay Duo originated on The Dana Carvey Show. Super Champions originated on Sports Show with Norm MacDonald (Saturday Night Live, S39E13)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

4. "If You Were A Black Guy" (The Midnight Beast, S02E01)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • Music: "You Better Run" – Dr. C.J. Johnson (True Detective, S01E02)
  • "The hubris it must take to yank a soul out of non-existence into this…meat, and to force a life into this…thresher. Yeah, so my daughter, she, uh…she spared me the sin of being a father." (True Detective, S01E02)
  • "Back then, the visions, most of the time, I was convinced that I'd lost it. But there were other times, I thought I was mainlining the secret truth of the universe." (True Detective, S01E02)
  • Three cast members of Greek (Shameless, S04E02)
  • "My father only screwed a Mexican whore while he was with my mom, and they can't get pregnant." (Shameless, S04E02)
  • "You're a freshman."
    "Yeah, but I fuck like a sophomore." (Shameless, S04E02)
  • "She wants me to abort my baby!"
    "Over my dead sperm…" (Shameless, S04E02)


Gaby Hoffman's bush (Girls, S03E03)

  • I dig the naturalistic tone (Looking, S01E01)
  • "Really? A winking smiley face?"
    "What's wrong with that?"
    "What are you, a Japanese teenager?"
    "I– What?!"
    "Look, I was a Japanese teenager. I didn't even use a winking smiley face." (Looking, S01E01)
  • "With Asian parents, you have three options: doctor, engineer, or get beaten." (MasterChef Canada, S01E01)
  • Brock Lesnar trips over monitor, hurls it into ring (WWE Raw, 01-20-14)
  • "Zombie George Washington?" (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • "Remarkable stitching. An old flame of mine was a seamstress. She'd be most impressed."
    "Who'd you date? Betsy Ross?"
    "…How did you know that?" (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • Alien John Cho (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • "Prophecies have a nasty way of fulfilling themselves, if you let them." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • "Does an alderman have an unwarranted self-regard?" (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • "You and I will choose our own destiny. We have free will. I choose to forge my fate with you." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • "So does this mean we can finally give away that ratty coat?"
    "Please… And risk it be worn ironically by purveyors of artisanal marmalade who discovered it at a local thrift shop? I thank you, no. For judge a man not by the wear of what he wears, but by the where and how he wears it." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E13)
  • Diagetic piano gag (Sleepy Hollow, S01E13)
  • Sleepy Hollow Season Grade: B+


Pam eating a cocaine cast (Archer, S05E02)

  • "She's all…coke-strong." (Archer, S05E02)
  • "Oh my God, Lana, Lana, you know what I could totally go for right now?"
    "Some cocaine?" (Archer, S05E02)
  • "Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer." (Rick and Morty, S01E05)
  • "That's my new thing. I'm kinda like, what's his name, Arsenio." (Rick and Morty, S01E05)
  • "DiversWithTitsEatingShit.org." (Chozen, S01E02)
  • Skin-colour-matching KKK hoods/robes (Chozen, S01E02)
  • "I'll be your rock – the Dwayne Johnson kind." (Chozen, S01E02)
  • "This is a classy tipi!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E14)
  • "Do you know any, like, time-consuming and free activities in Griffith Park?"
    "Gross! …Suicide?" (New Girl, S03E13)
  • "Sure you know how to tap a keg?"
    "How hard could it be? It's beer, for crying out loud. It's the drink of idiots." (New Girl, S03E13)
  • "A lot of people never graduated high school – Einstein, Bill Gates, Anne Frank… I'm gonna take back that last one." (New Girl, S03E13)
  • "Pussy is a powerful thing." (Justified, S05E03)
  • "Does this restaurant have blow jobs on the menu?" (Justified, S05E03)
  • "DJ Ango is…chained." (Workaholics, S04E01)
  • "I'm coven guard dog." – cringe! (American Horror Story, S03E12)
  • Nigella Lawson is a terrible judge of talent (The Taste, S02E04)
  • "Look, chard is disgusting. You try selling it without sexy dancers. It's impossible. It's like, 'Hey, you like lettuce? Try this, it's worse.' It tastes like kale took a dump on spinach."
    "I like to think of it as celery with B.O." (Parks and Recreation, S06E12)
  • "This is an excellent rectangle!" (Parks and Recreation, S06E12)
  • "It wasn't marijuana. It was heirloom tomatoes. [to the tomatoes] I'll see you at tonight's arrabbiata." (Enlisted, S01E03)
  • "Have a seat, buddy. Wait, stand."
    "I'll split the difference." (Enlisted, S01E03)
  • "Shot break! [...] Ha! Nobody expects gin!" (Enlisted, S01E03)
  • "We're like a yogurt commercial." (Enlisted, S01E03)
  • "Jeffrey has a tummy ache!" (Saturday Night Live, S39E12)
  • "Great gash mileage." (Saturday Night Live, S39E12)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


3. He Shall Overcome (WWE Raw, 11-13-14)

Rosenberg: "What a moment!!!! Is Daniel Bryan the most over wrestler since stone cold?!"

Stroud: "I'm not sure I could've liked five minutes of a Raw more."


Honourable Mention

  • Archer Vice (Archer, S05E01)
  • Axeman massacre (American Horror Story, S03E11)
  • Randy recites the plot of Toy Story 3 (Enlisted, S01E02)

Stray Observations

  • "Don't appall me when I'm high." (Sherlock, S03E03)
  • "Pressure Point: Marijuana." (Sherlock, S03E03)
  • "The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege." (Sherlock, S03E03)
  • "Assist me assist you." (Bob's Burgers, S04E10)
  • "P.S. I farted on the meat!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E10)
  • "Past a certain age, a man without a family can be a bad thing." (True Detective, S01E01)
  • "Can I ask you something? You're a Christian, yeah?"
    "No."
    "Well, what do you got the cross for in your apartment?"
    "That's a form of meditation."
    "How's that?"
    "I contemplate the moment in the garden – the idea of allowing your own crucifixion."
    "But you're not a Christian, so what do you believe?"
    "I consider myself a realist, but in philosophical terms, I'm what's called a pessimist. I think human consciousness was a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware. Nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labour under the illusion of having a self – a secretion of sensory experience and feeling, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody's nobody. I think the honourable thing for our species to do is to deny our programming, stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction, one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal."
    "So, what's the point of getting out of bed in the morning?"
    "I tell myself I bear witness, but the real answer is that it's obviously my programming, and I lack the constitution for suicide." (True Detective, S01E01)
  • "I don't sleep. I just dream." (True Detective, S01E01)
  • Justin Chatwin is no longer listed in the opening credits (Shameless, S04E01)
  • "Mike your real name? Ever steal a car?" (Shameless, S04E01)
  • Two cast members of Greek (Shameless, S04E01)
  • Frank butt-chugging Franzia (Shameless, S04E01)
  • Adam's reactions to Shoshanna (Girls, S03E01/S03E02)
  • "So, what, we form a cartel?"
    "Well, how hard could it be? I mean, if Mexicans can do it…" (Archer, S05E01)
  • "I will give you a Salisbury steak." (Chozen, S01E01)
  • Butthole saxophone Sanford and Son theme (Chozen, S01E01)
  • "Looks like you just got into a fist fight at a bukkake party and the dicks won." (Chozen, S01E01)
  • "They got the jenkem running through their bloodstream." (Chozen, S01E01)
  • Audio: "punk-o" / Closed captioning: "punk cunt" (Chozen, S01E01)
  • "I'm gonna have to turn off the tap."
    "What tap?"
    "The sex tap."
    "But I need my vitamin D…" (New Girl, S03E12)
  • Audio: "brotha" / Closed captioning: "nigga" (Justified, S05E02)
  • "Dewey Crowe's whorehouse ain't gonna have no fatties running around." (Justified, S05E02)
  • "And so it is with great sadness we must say goodbye to Nan…who fell in the tub." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
  • "Diet Sprite." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
  • "That ain't magic. It's an antihistamine." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
  • "Well, turds on that." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
  • "Troy and Abed are in mourning." (Community, S05E04)
  • "You think I'm gonna sit here and listen to you sing the praises of strawberry filling when we both know you've been a banana man since mom baked you that monkey cake on your eighth birthday?" (Enlisted, S01E02)
  • Parker Young crying ≥ Donald Glover crying (Enlisted, S01E02)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

2. Jumping Jacks (Enlisted, S01E01)


Stray Observations


(Sherlock, S03E02)

  • "A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious, and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world." (Sherlock, S03E02)
  • Pulp Fiction reference (Sherlock, S03E02)
  • "Bland, boring Jessica. If she were a spice, she'd be flour. If she were a book, she'd be two books." (Bob's Burgers, S04E09)
  • "This moment is so chill and absent of drama, I want to call it 'Tim Duncan.'" (New Girl, S03E11)
  • "You look like a Boyz II Men Easter album." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E12)


(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E12)

  • "Don't quote Die Hard." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E12)
  • "I didn't take you for a tennis fan, Mr. Crowder, but the only reason I can see you calling at this hour is to discuss Azarenka's last match." (Justified, S05E01)
  • "Can I get you a blow job or something?" (Justified, S05E01)
  • "I start arresting girls, how's that for business, Dewey? You and Wade the only two pussies in this whorehouse." (Justified, S05E01)
  • "It's called growing up and having your own interests, like the minister's daughter in your precious Footloose."
    "Wow. Using my own movie against me. [claps] Let's hear it for the boy." (Modern Family, S05E11)
  • "I'm a huge Eminem fan. When's he get here?"
    "Marshall? You're not his type." (American Horror Story, S03E10)
  • "Put out that cigarette. Now stick it in your vagina." (American Horror Story, S03E10)
  • Patti LuPone drinking bleach (American Horror Story, S03E10)
  • "It's like what Sir Ian McKellen said to me the day I sold my boat to Karl Lagerfeld: 'Parting is such sweet sorrow.'" (Parks and Recreation, S06E10)
  • "Is it done? Well, how many times did he turn the paper over? Oh… That is disappointing." (Parks and Recreation, S06E10)
  • "Enrique Shockwave." (Parks and Recreation, S06E10)
  • RT: #ParksandRec fans have a new pilgrimage site in Paris. pic.twitter.com/0q4l6D842J (Parks and Recreation, S06E10)
  • "'Jonas Morehouse. Your fat.' Your fat? Why did you put that?"
    "Let me see that. It's supposed to be 'your father.' Damn fool ran out of space."
    "Oh."
    "He should have managed his space better." (The Spoils of Babylon, S01E01)


(The Spoils of Babylon, S01E02)

  • "No one likes an ironic name!" (Enlisted, S01E01)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

[pause]

A fifth year of this, Jon? You are the Vin Scully of negligible shit.

1. Korean Sauna (Unhung Hero, Showtime)


Stray Observations

  • Brock Lesnar's scream (WWE Raw, 12-30-13)
  • "I like my mattress plain and straight up." (My Strange Addiction, S05E02)
  • "Do you guys feel weird about doing this without…Magnitude?" (Community, S05E01)
  • "You trust-funded, body-sprayed, Eli Roth DVD owner." (Community, S05E01)
  • Chevy Chase? Is this repurposed footage? No. Huh. (Community, S05E01)


(Community, S05E02)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

51. People Park (Key and Peele, S03E12)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "That's how I want to go out – dehydrated and covered in tinsel."
    "Sounds like a gay pride parade." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "I have a ham in the oven."
    "You have to fart?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "We have a date with a fat old man."
    "We're chubby chasers."
    "Tina, don't say that. That's not nice to say."
    "Fat fetishists?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "I'm more of a branch man." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • A Christmas parody of Duel! (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "I guess he's not in a hurry."
    "Maybe the speed limit is 7." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "Hurry up. We need to get back on the road."
    "It might take a minute. My bladder asked if my colon could come out and play, and my colon was like, 'sure thing.'" (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "I have a ham in the oven, remember?"
    "Just fart, dad, it's okay." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "Dad, where do babies come from?"
    "You all come from my vagina." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "That's a dumb place to keep bowls." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)


(Bob's Burgers, S04E08)

  • "Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move." (Rick and Morty, S01E03)
  • "You dodged a bullet, Morty. Trust me. Puffy vagina." (Rick and Morty, S01E03)
  • "Subtlety can lick my balls and then eat a plate of my ass for dessert." (Bad Education, S02E07)
  • "How can we cure AIDS with no music to dance to?" (Bad Education, S02E07)


(Bad Education, S02E07)

  • "Circle of Life" introduction (Bad Education, S02E07)
  • "Put the pussy on the chainwax." (Key and Peele, S03E12)
  • "So Santa, what is your favourite holiday?"
    "I've never thought about it. Presidents Day is nice, 'cause there's sheet sales. I like Thanksgiving, because, you know, I'm a tryptophan nut." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E20)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

50. Race to Witch Mountain (American Horror Story, S03E09)

Some context: The severed head belongs to an immortal racist to whom the negro spiritual is diegetic, the gunman is a witch hunter, and Precious is a human voodoo doll.


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Kids are horrible. Why do we keep making them?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E07)
  • "Hey Bob, I made this guy say 'yes' with my body!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E07)
  • "Celebrating yuletide with a titular display of lumber." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E10)
  • "What hellish form of torment is this?"
    "Fun house mirrors."
    "When did irony become a national pastime?" (Sleepy Hollow, S01E10)
  • "You embroidered my name on some oversized hosiery." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E10)
  • "Where are my testicles, Summer?" (Rick and Morty, S01E02)
  • Jax runs over a dove – subtle! (Sons of Anarchy, S06E13)
  • "Problems in Taco Nation?" (Sons of Anarchy, S06E13)
  • RT: "How racist was it that the Mayans paid the 9ers in rice and beans to symbolize them putting food on their table?" (Sons of Anarchy, S06E13)


The second barbecue fork attack in an FX drama this year (Sons of Anarchy, S06E13)

  • "Trees are like women – the best ones make you work a little bit harder."
    [...]
    "She's just not that into you." (Modern Family, S05E10)
  • "I'll see you in Vancouver, eh? No, Luke, do the accent again." (Modern Family, S05E10)
  • "Bitch, how you not the hobbit again?" (South Park, S17E10)
  • "What the head said!" (American Horror Story, S03E09)
  • "Witch hunters is white women's worry." (American Horror Story, S03E09)


(The Eric Andre Show, S02E10)

  • "We got Black Friday now? Barf. Wasn't February enough?" (Saturday Night Live, S39E09)
  • "All I want for Christmas is my two neighbours not to be Chinese anymore." (Saturday Night Live, S39E09)
  • "My heart and my genitals say 'no,' but my hypoglycemia says 'yes.'" (Saturday Night Live, S39E09)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


49. Black Scientologists (The Eric Andre Show, S02E09)


Stray Observations

  • "But then it was horribly ruined forever, like three out of five of my sexy parts after I had kids." (Bob's Burgers, S04E06)
  • "I still got two out of five sexy parts." (Bob's Burgers, S04E06)
  • "Look, I'm not insensitive to the needs of women. I mean, I read Jane Eyre in college. Or, no, Jane Austen." (Masters of Sex, S01E10)
  • "This is Principal Vagina. No relation." (Rick and Morty, S01E01)
  • "Oh look, honey, it's our son with Albert Ein-douche."
    "What?"
    "I'm an angry father, not an improviser." (Rick and Morty, S01E01)
  • "Tushy."
    "It's touché." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E11)
  • "Ciera, it was to rustle feathers."
    "Ruffle. Ruffle feathers."
    [pause]
    "You said 'rustle' feathers."
    "Rustle, ruffle, whatever. I don't care."
    "Russell is a first name. Ruffle is, uh…"
    "Rustle. R-U-S-T-L-E. Rustling leaves. You can also rustle feathers." (Survivor, S27E12)
  • "I ate my son for a Blu-ray player." (South Park, S17E09)
  • Bill Gates' "MS-DOS 13" tattoo (South Park, S01E10)
  • "Is that a Jumpin' Jack with cheese I smell?" (American Horror Story, S03E08)


(The Eric Andre Show, S02E09)

  • "Hey, Questlove's in the house."
    "Questlove, you're not in the house.
    "You're nowhere."
    "Questlove…I'm your father." (The Eric Andre Show, S02E09)
  • "Oh oh-oh, you don't know your basic facts." (Saturday Night Live, S39E08)
  • "A guy wearing a necklace over a turtleneck." (Saturday Night Live, S39E08)
  • Bill Brasky! (Saturday Night Live, S39E08)
  • "He once date-raped Karl Malone on a dare." (Saturday Night Live, S39E08)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


48. Eli vs. Knox (Boardwalk Empire, S04E12)


Stray Observations

  • "I've been working on Tina's talking points. How's this one: 'In this economy?'?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E05)
  • "Adult" Tina (Bob's Burgers, S04E05)
  • "Sailors in your mouth." Seamen, heh (Bob's Burgers, S04E05)
  • "The truth is what those in power wish it to be." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E12)
  • Goodnight, sweet prince (Boardwalk Empire, S04E12)
  • "Girls call me 'Katrina' 'cause I flood them hoes." (China, IL, S02E10)
  • "My potential!" (China, IL, S02E10)
  • "Despite this establishment's nomenclature, this resembles no Scottish meal I've ever eaten." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E09)
  • "This arrived for you this afternoon. More treasures from the Amazon, perhaps." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E09)
  • "Release your sweets!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E10)
  • "Mayo nut spoonsies." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E10)
  • "Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?"
    "Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E10)
  • "My wife was murdered by a man in a yellow sweater!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E10)
  • This episode was directed by Emil in RoboCop (Glee, S05E07)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


47. Hollywood Ending (Eastbound and Down, S04E08)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "You can make yourself live with anything." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E11)
  • "I want you to be the next Ellen DeGeneres."
    "Well, she's pretty dope, but she's a lesbian."
    "I know she's a lesbian. I was in the meeting where we decided she should be one, and I was in the meeting where we decided that Ryan Seacrest should be straight." (Eastbound and Down, S04E08)
  • "I want you to break him like he's a teenage hymen." (Eastbound and Down, S04E08)
  • "Fucking duck's clit!" (Eastbound and Down, S04E08)
  • "WorldStar! WorldStar!" (Eastbound and Down, S04E08)


(China, IL, S02E09)

  • "The cell is secure. Thomas Jefferson designed it. He foresaw holding the worst type of demons that may walk the earth – a product, no doubt, of his years trying to reason with the French." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E08)
  • RT: "david blaine's best magic reveal was that kanye and woody harrelson hang out" (David Blaine: Real or Magic?, 11-19-13)
  • "You're kissing a sectional, you dummy." (New Girl, S03E09)
  • "Friends don't call friends pathetic." (New Girl, S03E09)
  • Clay! (Sons of Anarchy, S06E11)
  • "Jax loves you, Nero."
    "Yeah, well, I'm too old to adopt."
    "You could always marry me."
    "No offense, mama. I've seen what happens to your husbands. It ain't pretty." (Sons of Anarchy, S06E11)
  • Game of Thrones spoiler alert! (South Park, S17E08)
  • "A wounded animal will rip you apart if it's cornered." (American Horror Story, S03E07)
  • "Dump buddy Bible study." (The League, S05E12)
  • Party Down reunion! (The League, S05E12)
  • "Let's turn this G.I. Joe into G.I. Joe: Retaliation." (The League, S05E13)
  • "Now that I keep a kosher toilet kitchen, my life is amazing. No more live pig for this guy. Just dead pig, pig milk soup."
    "You can't eat pig if you're kosher, and you can't eat a live pig ever."
    "I was totally kidding. I don't eat any of that stuff. All I eat pretty much now is, like, shrimp and lobster." (The League, S05E13)
  • "Oh, God, what did you eat?"
    "I ate a raw onion earlier that I found on the street." (The League, S05E13)
  • "Let's do it in the back."
    "You're not even drunk."
    "No, the back of the van!" (The League, S05E13)
  • "This is gonna fulfill a fantasy I've had since I was on welfare. You're a fat black woman. You're really mad at me because I haven't been looking for a job." (The League, S05E13)
  • "You don't want to talk to that guy? He plays in the NFL."
    "He's a linebacker. Skill positions only for Donna Meagle." (Parks and Recreation, S06E08)
  • "So you're black. That must be interesting. Do you know – this is a shot in the dark – do you know Mercedes Jones?" (Glee, S05E06)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


46. Lance Reddick! (The Eric Andre Show, S02E07)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "I want a magic vibrating club just like any other boy!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E04)
  • "I'm one semester away from graduating."
    "Oh Pud, there are no jobs out there." (Bob's Burgers, S04E04)
  • "Here's a magazine about jugs. Their secret is they love pottery?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E04)
  • "You'll never get a better family dentist who's in your provider network!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E04)
  • "I will cut him from nave to chops."
    "You'll find the meat tough, doctor." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E10)
  • "A real man knows there's only one direction to face, and that's fucking forward." (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
  • "April's different. She's a white person." (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
  • "You can fucking catch me dead before I goddamn go caroling, all right? That shit's for Christians and retards."
    "You've got lonely eyes, Kenny. I can see it."
    [scoffs] "Not lonely. Just went on a fucking coke binge last night. I'm tired." (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
  • "Y'all are gonna sit here and cry about a wolf when I got Nobu catering this shit?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
  • "Why are the kids wearing veils?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
  • "My dick is a little bitch!" (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
  • "Fame, fortune, power, titties – people say these are the most crucial things in life." (Eastbound and Down, S04E07)
  • "It wasn't as small as we were expecting."
    "You wanted Anne Frank's place to be smaller?"
    "In the book, she says how cramped it is. But it's actually quite spacious." (Hello Ladies, S01E07)


(China, IL, S02E08)

  • "It's apocryphal what this man is telling these children." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E07)
  • "I look like Arsenio." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E08)


(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E08)

  • "I thought I could handle my brown." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E08)
  • "Guess who got a trainer? I'm gonna look like Barry Bonds." (New Girl, S03E08)
  • "It's easy as peanuts? That's not an expression."
    "Peanuts is an acronym. PEANUTS stands for: Physical Education Activity Nuts." (New Girl, S03E07)
  • "What's up, Jason Street?" (New Girl, S03E08)
  • "It says 'no MSG' on the menu. It also says it with the… What do you call the circle with the diagonal line?"
    "It's the Ghostbusters thing."
    "It says it with words, and it says it with the Ghostbusters thing." (New Girl, S03E08)
  • "Chinese food menage." (New Girl, S03E08)
  • "Ironside!" (New Girl, S03E08)
  • "Thomas and Abel will not be raised by you. What you do now will determine how we deliver that message. 'Mommy moved away' or 'mommy passed away'?" (Sons of Anarchy, S06E10)
  • "You think I did that? I look like the Taliban to you?" (American Horror Story, S03E06)
  • "When I plant a fat ass cracker bitch, I expect her to stay planted." (American Horror Story, S03E06)
  • "That's how Xbox people are." (South Park, S17E07)
  • "Let these Sony fucks wallow in their limited voice control functionality." (South Park, S17E07)
  • "Sony people don't think with logic." (South Park, S17E07)
  • "You know what you get for pre-ordering a game? A big dick in your mouth." (South Park, S17E07)
  • "Moist is the classy wet." (The League, S05E11)
  • "Get this. I just asked the DJ what R.E.M. albums he has. He's got Monster, but not Automatic for the People."
    "Wow."
    "I know! It's like, what is this, a mid-'90s party? No, it's an early '90s party." (Parks and Recreation, S06E06)
  • "You said you were like Chuck Norris."
    "I am, but I'm like Chuck Norris now." (Parks and Recreation, S06E06)


(Parks and Recreation, S06E06)

  • "No matter what happens, you will never acquire my thinking PJs, or my YouTube blazer." (Parks and Recreation, S06E07)
  • "Our ratings are lower than the final episode of M*A*S*H." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E15)
  • "You [Jim Gaffigan] have a very famous joke about crepes. I was wondering do you have any future jokes about other handheld foods?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E15)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

45. Clay's sermon (Sons of Anarchy, S06E09)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Why would you headbutt me?"
    "I was gonna punch you, but I'm holding wine." (Bob's Burgers, S04E03)
  • "I am relaxed." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E09)
  • "Nobody messes with me, nobody messes with you, and nobody messes with Maria's titties." (Eastbound and Down, S04E06)
  • "He never came inside that woman. After a few pumps, he withdrew his penis, and he started smashing it between the ring and the lid of the toilet for penance." (Eastbound and Down, S04E06)
  • "God-damn woman! Throwing fuckin' mustard at me." (Eastbound and Down, S04E06)
  • "My clitoris beat my vagina?" (Masters of Sex, S01E06)
  • "LBC. Wet dick posse."
    "Ohhh. Sopping wet dicks. Yes, please." (Hello Ladies, S01E06)
  • "Why'd you come to LA, dog?"
    "Uhh… I had to get out of England. Some shit went down."
    "Yeah? What kind of shit?"
    "Well, um, there was some, uhh, chaps, uhh, making, making trouble in my, in my, neighbourhood…" (Hello Ladies, S01E06)
  • "Are you just watching us like we're Homeland?" (Fresh Meat, S03E01)
  • "A lot of fat guy clothes have racist overtones." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E07)
  • "You and Malia broke up?"
    "Yeah. She got real fat on me, so I was like, eww, bye."
    "I guess her gain is our gain." (New Girl, S03E07)
  • "For a chub, you're a terrible heavy." (New Girl, S03E07)
  • "Is that Notorious N.A.G.? Is that Naggie Gyllenhaal?" (New Girl, S03E07)
  • "Work trumps girls. Girls are replaceable, jobs are forever." (New Girl, S03E07)
  • "If he can pee in Brazil, he can pee in my house." (New Girl, S03E07)
  • "You're drinking on a Tuesday and you are a teacher."
    "Oh, those kids are watching a movie tomorrow." (New Girl, S03E07)
  • "He's gonna get the whole precinct. This is a high income area. They're very bored in there." (New Girl, S03E07)
  • "Serpentine!" (New Girl, S03E07)
  • "This is your worst nightmare. There's a very good looking man in my bed, and he's naked, and I'm flushed, and I'm flustered. I might as well just spray paint 'Jay Cutler sucks!' on the wall and just round out the whole image." (New Girl, S03E07)
  • Chucky and his kazoo (Sons of Anarchy, S06E09)


(South Park, S17E06)


(It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E10)

  • "When do you want me to serve the squash and the beef?"
    "So we're literally serving squash and beef?"
    "You said we're squashing beef. I thought it would be part of the ceremony to have squash and beef."
    "Yeah, it's all about the ceremony. That's why I got this bucket of dirt and a hatchet, so we can have a ceremonial burying of the hatchet."
    "Right, and after we do that, we're going to wipe the slate clean." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E10)
  • "That was three pumps, and the rulebook says you cannot have more than two. Clearly three pumps." (Key and Peele, S03E08)
  • "I'll take that ?uestlove down to a Kevin Hart in 20 minutes." (The League, S05E10)
  • "I kinda accidentally gave you the Skrillex."
    "You shaved half of my pubes off?" (The League, S05E10)
  • "It's gonna be three weeks before I get a Howie Long going. Another two years before I get my Polamalu back." (The League, S05E10)


(The League, S05E10)

  • "And get me a Coke." (American Horror Story, S03E05)
  • "You're one step up from the men who stand in front of Home Depot." (American Horror Story, S03E05)
  • "I look like Siegfried and Roy." (Glee, S05E04)
  • "It's called a 'swing gush.'" (The Greatest Event in Television History 3, 11-07-13)
  • "As I said when I saw the bassist for the Pixies, it's a Deal." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E14)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

44. James Van Der Beek Interview (The Eric Andre Show, S02E05)

A "Television Episode of the Year" nominee.


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "We'll get the crooks, then we'll find the law." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E08)
  • "Don't let your life get out of hand." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E08)
  • "Water: Mother Nature's piss." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • The running 'Tim Heidecker wears Wake Forest gear' gag (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Rick, Ross, Rick, Ross." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "A therapist? Some motherfucker with a little flute? Makes a fucking cobra come out of a basket." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Enjoy new things for the very first time in your lives." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Question. Yes. Ja Rule." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • Cat Cora – ha! (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "It's TNT. The 'T' is for taters. 'N' is for and. And the final 'T'…tits. Taters 'N' Tits." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "How did Leonardo DiCaprio figure out about gravity?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Yeah, my chin is shitty." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)


(Eastbound and Down, S04E05)

  • "No diggity, no doubt, like to bang it up." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "I'm loving how you sexualized the food. This is perfect for a shopping mall." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Instead of bacon bits, bacon tits." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Plenty of pussy and cash for nasty old Scottie Pippen." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "We are infinite!" (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Finest bottle of white zinfandel, please." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Do you have a special relationship with monkeys?"
    "Well, you know I got people in Atlanta." (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "The demands of others oftentimes conflict with the demands of living an exceptional life. Could Schwarzenegger have ascended to the top of both film and politics if he had actually given a fuck about his family?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E05)
  • "Isn't this DJ fantastic? He's from very near Vegas." (Hello Ladies, S01E05)
  • "So many feelings!" (China, IL, S02E06)
  • "Superheroes are brightly-coloured people who whoosh around and sound like throat cancer." (China, IL, S02E06)


(China, IL, S02E06)

  • "It's the masseuse!" (China, IL, S02E06)
  • "Grandma is dead." (Sons of Anarchy, S06E08)
  • "Canadian puberty. When you fart, your dick gets hard." (South Park, S17E05)
  • "Come on, bro. Kick the fuckin' baby. Let's see you try, wuss." (South Park, S17E05)
  • "I should have you be aware that my face has tested positive for queefy sauce." (South Park, S17E05)
  • "Strange Tamer." (South Park, S17E05)


(South Park, S17E05)


(American Horror Story, S03E04)

  • "Madison Montgomery is a stone-cold bitch who loves hard drinking, big dicks, and trouble. If she's dead, it's probably because she got wasted and offered the Grim Reaper a handjob or something." (American Horror Story, S03E04)
  • Dennis using an Australian accent (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E09)
  • "It gets straighter." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E09)
  • Dee stripper disrobing cut (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E09)
  • "This is not a legal document."
    "Oh, it's 100% legal. It's on legal paper." (The League, S05E09)
  • "You own Apple stock?"
    "Yeah. I also bought beef stock, I bought chicken stock, and when the apocalypse happens, guess who they're gonna have to come to for those sweet sweet little cubes? I'm gonna be a bouillonaire." (The League, S05E09)
  • "Why would Kevin be in this building?"
    "Isn't this the lawyer building?" (The League, S05E09)
  • "I'm not in seventh grade. I don't kidnap people anymore." (The League, S05E09)
  • "Somebody call 9/11. Now." (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories: Haunted House, 10-31-13)
  • "My name's John Heard. I'm an actor."
    "I thought… I thought that was you." (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, 10-31-13)
  • "This is the Casey Anthony. It tastes like a party, but something's missing."
    "I'm sorry. These cookie names are terrible."
    "That's the AIDSadoodles." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E13)
  • "Go for the diarrhea one." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E13)
  • Audacious cold open (Saturday Night Live, S39E05)
  • "His cloud is full of butts." (Saturday Night Live, S39E05)

#clipoftheweek