Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


27. Big Ballers (WWE Raw, 06-26-17 / Desus and Mero, 06-27-17)


Honourable Mention

  • Shootout (Preacher, S02E01)

Stray Observations

  • The Nine Inch Nails (Twin Peaks, S03E08)
  • "Would this jog your memory, though, particularly if a cop came in asking?"
    "Sure would not."
    "How you like me now, Jeff?"
    "Not much better."
    "What if we add a hummer?" (Claws, S01E03)
  • "Richard, these are real people, with real crotches, and they're burning." (Silicon Valley, S04E10)
  • "I will not do anything illegal nor unethical, and I will not lie. I already have upwards of 50 burnt perinea on my conscience, Richard. That's enough!" (Silicon Valley, S04E10)
  • Silicon Valley Season Grade: C-
  • "The band is getting back together again!"
    "Who CC'd Mike?
    "I get it. I'm Ringo."
    "No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet." (Veep, S06E10)
  • Veep Season Grade: D+
  • "They do not put foreskins in face creams. You'd feel those itty-bitty foreskins on you!" (Preacher, S02E01)
  • "Could be a shiteload of foreskin in this here ice cream for all we know." (Preacher, S02E02)
  • "You know there's only three options for any random mass shooting: ISIS, racist white, Asian pushed to the brink by his tiger mom." (The Carmichael Show, S03E06)
  • "I'm taping this, just so you know. If you shoot anyone, you probably'll keep your job, but it's gonna be a rough couple of weeks." (The Carmichael Show, S03E06)
  • "Never blow another man noodles!" (Hood Adjacent with James Davis, S01E01)


(Hood Adjacent with James Davis, S01E01)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Carmichael Show

#clipoftheweek


Looking forward:


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

26. Roller's Funeral (Claws, S01E02)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "You don't pay a whore to bang; you pay her to leave." (Claws, S01E02)
  • RT: BRB. Encasing my monitor in wood then installing a series of motors that will allow it to sink into my desk. (Twin Peaks, S03E07)
  • "What'd you say your name was again?"
    "Tammy."
    "Fuck you, Tammy." (Twin Peaks, S03E07)


(Twin Peaks, S03E07)

  • ♫: Brian Reitzell and Debbie Harry – "Tehran 1979" (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "There is no end to the cruelty of men threatened by strong women." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "Jesus Christ. Are they all Jesuses?" (American Gods, S01E08)
  • Jeremy Davies as Jesus Prime (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "I swear to Jesus. He's right outside." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "What do you think gods do? They do what they've always done – they fuck with us." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "Put a pillow over that feeling and bear down until it stops kicking." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "You should be thrilled, overjoyed, that anyone believes in anything that doesn't have a screen anymore." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "Tell the believers and the non-believers, tell them we've taken the spring. They can have it back when they pray for it." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • American Gods Season Grade: B-
  • "Don't you need a visa to go to China?"
    "Yes. I can call my uncle in Beijing. He's very corrupt." (Silicon Valley, S04E09)
  • Flula Borg (Silicon Valley, S04E09)


(Silicon Valley, S04E09)

  • "Wasn't the original title of their chart-topping hit 'Virtual Insanity'? Why is he singing 'Virtual Reality'?" (Silicon Valley, S04E09)
  • "Ma'am, the producer of The Tonight Show thought it would be fun if you—"
    "No, you know what? Nothing's fun on that show." (Veep, S06E09)
  • "I've been fired three times in my life: From the U.S. Postal Service Office of Investigations, by the Seattle Seahawks, and by Jonah Ryan."
    "Maybe we could start a new business, take our shit show on the road."
    "Yeah, easier than explaining yards after the catch to Steve Largent." (Veep, S06E09)
  • "Wishes belong in the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children." (Veep, S06E09)
  • "Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger? Somebody you hired to make sure you don't get erections?"
    "That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancé!" (Veep, S06E09)
  • The Tonight Show with Adam Scott (Veep, S06E09)
  • Better Call Saul Season Grade: B-
  • "Would like like sparkling water or still?"
    "Now why would you even ask? Of course we'd like the spaahhkling. Mmm! It takes like healthy Sprite!" (The Carmichael Show, S03E05)
  • "At some level, food knows it's food." (Fargo, S03E10)
  • "It is a dangerous world for men of standing. Human beings, you see, have no inherent value other than the money they earn. Cats have value, for example, because they provide pleasure to the humans. But a deadbeat on welfare? Well, they have negative value." (Fargo, S03E10)
  • Fargo Season Grade: B-
  • Annie's boobs (GLOW, S01E01)
  • "The Over-Madames have lied to you. Men are real. We can restore the world to the way it was before the war and women's lib." (GLOW, S01E03)
  • "No, I'm Kuntar, a vision of hideousness." (GLOW, S01E03)
  • Welfare Queen wearing a Burger King crown (GLOW, S01E03)
  • End credits ♫: ??? (GLOW, S01E03)
  • "But what if your gimmick is hugging people?" (GLOW, S01E04)
  • Carlito (GLOW, S01E04)
  • "A survey? About mayonnaise? I always have time for condiments." (GLOW, S01E05)
  • "The heel makes the face." (GLOW, S01E05)
  • "You know, I'm sure when people read your zine, not everyone thinks it's art."
    "Hey, Agnostic Toad is fucking awesome." (GLOW, S01E06)
  • "Oh, I didn't know you were Jewish."
    "I wear a giant chai."
    "Oh… I thought that was a cat." (GLOW, S01E06)
  • Carlito holding an apple (GLOW, S01E07)
  • "Not looking good for the white supremacists." (GLOW, S01E07)
  • "The money's in the chase" (GLOW, S01E10)
  • GLOW Season Grade: B


(Loaded, S01E02)

  • "Watto, if you want a band, just buy one."
    "Buy a band?"
    "He's right. You probably couldn't buy Coldplay, or the Counting Crows, but Weezer… I bet you could buy yourself Weezer." (Loaded, S01E02)
  • "In this country, we all hate Bono."
    "Yeah, I don't even remember why. It's just something you get handed down." (Loaded, S01E02)
  • "We got our own little hipster Bono."
    "That is the worst collection of words in the world." (Loaded, S01E02)
  • "Do you promise you'll go back to Jeff if I buy you cocaine?" (Loaded, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Carmichael Show

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

25. David Bowie followed me on Twitter / Stones do Shakespeare (The Trip [to Spain], S03E03/04)


Honourable Mention

  • Little person ice pick hitman (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • Mark's football analogies (Masterchef, S08E03)
  • Ice cream on the toilet (Fargo, S03E09)

Stray Observations

  • "My first studio apartment was a cozy uterus." (Bob's Burgers, S07E22)
  • Diane! (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • RT: The ice pick hit man in this week's Twin Peaks was staying at the same motel Gloria Burgle was at earlier this season of Fargo (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • ♫: Sharon Van Etten – "Tarifa" (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • "I was a king once."
    "Okay."
    "I was. Then they made me a bird. Then Mother Church came along and turned us all into saints, and trolls, and faeries. General Mills did the rest." (American Gods, S01E07)
  • "Oh, I didn't know you had a brother."
    "Bruce was his stillborn twin."
    "He had a huge heart."
    "Missing all its valves, though." (Veep, S06E08)
  • "9-11, bitches! We're gonna fly two planes into the club!" (Veep, S06E08)
  • "Dan, you've heard the old saying, 'You gotta keep your friends close and make your enemies take you out to Guy Fieri's restaurant in Times Square'?" (Veep, S06E08)
  • "He said he talked to Quartie, who said he took to you like a hog to persimmons."
    "Is that a good thing?"
    "Well, they cause diarrhea in hogs." (Veep, S06E08)
  • The Handmaid's Tale Season Grade: C+
  • "The problem is not that there is evil in the world; the problem is that there is good. Because otherwise, who would care?" (Fargo, S03E09)
  • "When she said he makes chorizo like his grandmother, is that what she looked like?"
    "No, Rob. It means the way his grandmother used to make it."
    "Fine, well, I think she should be more clear, because I'm picturing a grizzled old woman with the external appearance of chorizo." (The Trip [to Spain], S03E02)
  • "I was a grown man before I felt a firm sprout in my mouth." (The Trip [to Spain], S03E03)
  • "Eddie Redmayne, the name, is the sort of name that an upper middle class girl would give to her pony. 'Father [it's a chestnut mare], may I ride Eddie Redmayne this weekend?' 'You may, darling. Would you like me to get Mr. Hiddleston out of the stable too?" (The Trip [to Spain], S03E04)
  • The Trip [to Spain] Season Grade: C-

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Carmichael Show

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

24. Pine Barrens (Fargo, S03E08)


Honourable Mention

  • Trippin' Becky (Twin Peaks, S03E05)
  • Ed Chambers (Silicon Valley, S04E07)
  • Bowling Alley (Fargo, S03E08)

Stray Observations

  • "People hold candles, Nora." (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • ♫: Otis Redding – "I've Got Dreams to Remember" (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • "It's great that your newlyweds believe that a bird with a range of 50 miles is gonna carry their stupid poetry to Timbuktu, but don't sell that bullshit to me."
    "I'm not trying to sell you anything. It's just a nicer story." (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • RT: the end credits rolled to the sound of pachelbel's canon and it didn't feel cheesy. this is skillful. (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • The Leftovers Season Grade: B+
  • "I've done the math. This times that equals you're a cunt, divided by the only way I'm gonna get what I need is if you give it to me, equals the only way you're gonna give it to me is if you don't need it. Like my friend Jesus Christ, the only thing you need, dead wife, is resurrection."
    "Did you just name-drop Jesus Christ like you know a guy who knows a guy?" (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "There's always been a god-shaped hole in man's head." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Religion inspires in those who fear nothing fear of the gods, and using that fear requires a certain element of fucked up." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Did you have a genie in your bottle?" (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Shame is the reason dead people only go out at night." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Your kind of love, dead wife, is the grandest butt-fuckin' of 'em all. You can love somebody even when you know they don't like it, even when you know they don't want it. That's some profound knowledge for you right there, wrapped up in a quaint sexual metaphor." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Neutral, in the face of injustice, is on the side of the oppressor." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "God is great."
    "Life is great." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • Mr. C's face warping into Bob's (Twin Peaks, S03E05)
  • Frank discovering green tea lattes (Twin Peaks, S03E05)


(Twin Peaks, S03E05)

  • "Limp Biscuit's an old frat ritual, where all the brothers race to stroke one out onto a biscuit, and then the last guy to nut has to eat it."
    "Right. Sometimes it's a Wheat Thin." (Silicon Valley, S04E07)
  • "May I borrow this hammer to pound in these flamboyant little nails?"
    "Those are screws." (Silicon Valley, S04E07)
  • When Kim shuts the door to her office, Francesca pulling out a travel magazine, only to quickly hide it again when Kim unexpectedly re-appears (Better Call Saul, S03E08)
  • "But ma, you used to be so active. You had all those hobbies."
    "Oh, I didn't like that stuff, I just wanted to get out the house to keep your father from beating me. Trust me, every woman in a pottery class is crying out for help." (The Carmichael Show, S03E03)
  • "Grandma wants to go out on top. I mean, wouldn't you have rather seen Michael Jordan retire after hitting that three-pointer against the Jazz in '98 instead of seeing this dude way past his prime in a Wizards jersey? Don't make grandma play for the Wizards." (The Carmichael Show, S03E03)
  • "When we meet Jesus, we're all one. Jesus doesn't see colour."
    "So what colour do you think Jesus is?"
    "Well, I don't really think he's white, but I don't really think he's black either."
    "So you're saying Jesus look like Drake?" (The Carmichael Show, S03E03)
  • Top Chef Canada Season Grade: C+

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Carmichael Show

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

23. Wally Brando (Twin Peaks, S03E04)


Honourable Mention

  • Animated Atsula prologue (American Gods, S01E05)
  • Mr. Jackpots (Twin Peaks, S03E03)
  • Bobby crying at seeing Laura (Twin Peaks, S03E04)

Stray Observations

  • "You know what they say about grief: Next to every cemetery is a motel." (American Gods, S01E05)
  • Gillian Anderson as David Bowie (American Gods, S01E05)
  • "Give me my fucking coin, dead wife." (American Gods, S01E05)
  • "You're a fucking asshole, dead wife." (American Gods, S01E05)
  • Gillian Anderson as Marilyn Monroe (American Gods, S01E05)
  • Media knocking out two of Technical Boy's teeth with a blown kiss (American Gods, S01E05)
  • ♫: Brian Reitzell and Shirley Manson – "Media Bowie" (American Gods, S01E05)
  • ♫: Original main title (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • Penis scanner (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • "Mr. President, due to advancements in plastic surgery, anyone with enough resources can copy a person's face. But your, uh, your penis, sir, well, they're not gonna go to that length." (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • Penis thud (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • "The code is 6969." (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • "What's happening? What was that noise?"
    "I don't know. You tell me. You're God."
    "That was just a pick-up line." (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • ♫: The Beach Boys – "God Only Knows" (The Leftovers, S03E07)


(The Leftovers, S03E07)

  • "Donut disturb" sign (Twin Peaks, S03E03)
  • "You eat the evidence, Lucy?" (Twin Peaks, S03E03)
  • Brett Gelman (Twin Peaks, S03E04)
  • "We're not anywhere near Mount Rushmore!"
    "I brought a picture for you."
    "There they are, Albert. Faces of stone." (Twin Peaks, S03E04)
  • "Agent Preston gets carsick."
    "Albert, we're in South Dakota. Cossacks are in Russia." (Twin Peaks, S03E04)
  • "This is what we found in his trunk: Cocaine, machine gun, dog leg." (Twin Peaks, S03E04)
  • "Why do I have an e-mail for the Anton LaVey fun run?" (Silicon Valley, S04E06)
  • Haley Joel Osment (Silicon Valley, S04E06)
  • ♫: Too $hort × Meter Mobb – "You Came to Party" (Silicon Valley, S04E06)
  • "We need to do something, something big, that makes Montez really pay attention to us."
    "Cutting aid to veterans!"
    "Great! They volunteered, right?" (Veep, S06E07)
  • "Do you want me to 69 him?"
    [pause] "W— Oh, 86." (Veep, S06E07)
  • "Maybe you were too busy biting James Bond's cable car wire to realize." (Veep, S06E07)
  • The Americans Season Grade: C-
  • Man licking the stump of a woman punished with the loss of her hand (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E08)
  • "Bobby, I didn't raise you to be no raper." (The Carmichael Show, S03E01)
  • "Rape or no rape, I think it's rude not to return a text." (The Carmichael Show, S03E01)
  • "You are a sweet boy. You wouldn't even rape a fly." (The Carmichael Show, S03E01)
  • "I mean, I'm not a rapist, but I'm bad at sex. This moment is really bittersweet." (The Carmichael Show, S03E01)
  • "Thank you for your service, you arrogant deadbeat dad." (The Carmichael Show, S03E02)
  • Forms (Fargo, S03E07)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

22. Big Lair (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E02)


Honourable Mention

  • Dane Cook singing "The Weight" while being fellated (American Gods, S01E04)
  • Audrey and Laura in the bathroom (American Gods, S01E04)
  • Is Jessica Simpson okay? (Ellen, 05-22-17)
  • Joe makes love to a life-size cardboard cutout of his dead wife (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E01)

Stray Observations

  • "Say 'hello' to my 50/50 blend." (Bob's Burgers, S07E21)
  • "Teddy, unzip my pickle." (Bob's Burgers, S07E21)
  • Bob's Burgers Season Grade: C
  • "'T.A. Cobell.' His name was Taco Bell?" (Making History, S01E09)
  • Making History Season Grade: C-


(American Gods, S01E04)

  • ♫: Apocalyptica – Metallica's "Wherever I May Roam" (The Leftovers, S03E06)
  • ♫: Gravediggaz – "1-800-Suicide" (The Leftovers, S03E06)
  • Michael Bisping (Twin Peaks, S03E01)
  • Max Perlich (Twin Peaks, S03E01)
  • "Ohh, you're nice and wet." (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
  • ♫: Chromatics playing the roadhouse – "Shadow" (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
  • "James is still cool. He's always been cool." (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
  • "Hey, what do you think of my tie? I designed it myself. I call it 'Yoloha.' It's a combination of 'YOLO' and 'aloha.'"
    "Well, Buzzy, I think it's rad, which is a combination of 'retarded' and 'sad.'" (Veep, S06E06)
  • Sudanese boy wearing a Jonah Ryan for U.S. Congress shirt (Veep, S06E06)
  • "Put Wisconsin at the top of my shit list."
    "You want me to bump Sammy Hagar?"
    "Make them 1A and 1B." (Veep, S06E06)
  • "You look like the world's least fucked geisha." (Veep, S06E06)
  • "Could you tell the Colossus of Chodes that this is the exact same goddamn office?" (Veep, S06E06)
  • Gina's list of baby names (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
  • "Who's the father?"
    "I signed a non-disclosure agreement, which bars me from revealing his identity."
    "Wait, is he famous?"
    "Is it Batali?"
    "Charles, she can't say. Is it Batali?!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
  • "The daddy's a Property Brother, isn't he? It's a Property Baby." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
  • Ryan Phillippe (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • "Pizza Rat, dead tonight at the age of four." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • "It's like an Eagles concert down there – nothing but whites." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • "Please don't address the jury, Mr. Peralta.
    "But, but, but…"
    "One more 'but' and you will be in contempt."
    "One More Butt and You're in Contempt – name of your sex tape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • Scott Aukerman (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C
  • Robin Leach and Vicki Lawrence (Great News, S01E09)


(Great News, S01E09)

  • "You need to get back on the horse, like when you were going through your chunky phase and you broke that pony's back at the fair. Did I let you quit? No. I made you get back on another pony and they had to put two ponies down that day." (Great News, S01E10)
  • "Gram is mean A-F. That's a Twitter term, which I can only assume stands for 'mean as Frankenstein.' There is another term, D-T-F: 'Don't touch Frankenstein,' to which I usually just reply W-T-F: 'Won't touch Frankenstein.'" (Great News, S01E10)
  • Great News Season Grade: C-
  • "You have to wear it until he's gone." (The Americans, S05E12)
  • Oleg exteriors filmed on location in Moscow (The Americans, S05E12)
  • ♫: Cigarettes After Sex – "Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E07)
  • "Shouldn't we… I'm just saying… A more cautious approach. Why not?"
    "Because the shallow end of the pool is where the turds float." (Fargo, S03E06)
  • Varga googles beside a portrait of Stalin, quotes Lenin (Fargo, S03E06)
  • "There's been an accident."
    "Things of consequence rarely happen by accident." (Fargo, S03E06)
  • "Did anyone see you?"
    "I'm so rarely seen, maybe I don't even exist." (Fargo, S03E06)
  • Archer Season Grade: F
  • "When I reach for Scripture, I go for the Book of Job, Psalm 69." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E02)


"I changed Pepe the Frog into a rabbi." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)

  • "We should change our name from the White Warlocks to the White Jewlocks." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
  • "The Torah says we must take an eye for an eye."
    "You mean an oy for an oy." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
  • "I say to hell with forgiveness! Let's kill Neon Joe and leave a nice long trail of goy blood, and then repent for the whole thing on Yom Kippur!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
  • "Oi, oi, get that goy!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)


(Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)

  • "You show that moon there's more than one glowing cube with dangling nuts in this town." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "Yoo-hoo! Hey, moon! Look at me! Come and get me! I'm a sexy cube too!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "I can't believe Turgalak dead. He's supposed to be all-knowing and invincible. First time I met him, he had a burrito waiting for me, knew exactly how I like it: Chorizo and rice, refried bean, sour cream on the side, little salsa verde, pico de gallo, chips and guac, watermelon agua fresca with just a little bit of ice… He even knew that I liked the flour tortilla rather than corn." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "The prophecy says if a werewolf eats the cube's nuts, he will gain its power and rule the world." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "I don't care that you look like a man. You still got a 'giney, and I speak 'ginese." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "I'm lubed up and ready, moon!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
  • "I see somebody's been keeping you company while I was gone."
    "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got the paper cuts on my dick to prove it. Took a while for them to scab up on account of they don't really make Band-Aid for the penile region. Doing them, you know, the knuckle Band-Aid, that work good, but then I gotta, like, pull it down to pee, pull it back up. I went through a whole lotta Band-Aid." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
  • "Oh, babe… You know that I would've used all the dick Band-Aids in the world if I thought I could've saved you." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
  • Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter Season Grade: C

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: American Gods
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

21. World's Best Dad! (Fargo, S03E05)


Honourable Mention

  • Gay Muslim salesman/genie sex scene (American Gods, S01E03)
  • Confrontation with the Granholms (The Americans, S05E11)
  • Rap Song (Saturday Night Live, S42E21)
  • Uber ride home (Master of None, S02E05)

Stray Observations

  • Scott Thompson (American Gods, S01E03)
  • "That woman thinks Jesus suffered for her sins. They're her sins. Why should Jesus do all the suffering?"
    "'Cause his dad sacrificed his ass."
    "Don't blame the parent. Plenty of suffering and blame to go around, although that white Jesus, well, could stand a little more suffering. He's doing very well for himself these days."
    "And how many colours does Jesus come in?"
    "Why, you got your white Jesuit-style Jesus, you got your black African Jesus, you got your brown Mexican Jesus, you got your swarthy Greek Jesus, you've got—"
    "Well, that's a, that's a lot of Jesus."
    "There's a lot of need for Jesus, so, there's a lot of Jesus." (American Gods, S01E03)
  • "This is the only country in the world that wonders what it is."
    "You've been to a lot of other countries, have you?"
    "No, no, never, just this one. Just that the others know what they are. I mean, no one wonders about the heart of Norway or goes searching for the soul of Mozambique. Mozambique knows what it is. They all know what they are."
    "Americans know who they are."
    "They pretend they know." (American Gods, S01E03)
  • ♫: Brian Reitzell and Mark Lanegan – "St. James Infirmary Blues" (American Gods, S01E03)
  • RT: did you notice the ACN [from THE NEWSROOM] logo? (The Leftovers, S03E05)
  • "He wasn't my son."
    "You're denying paternity?!"
    "Mary's word versus mine." (The Leftovers, S03E05)
  • "That's the guy I was telling you about." (The Leftovers, S03E05)


(The Leftovers, S03E05)

  • "Trigger warning: Fuck you!" (Silicon Valley, S04E04)
  • "American University sounds like a made-up college in Egypt!" (Veep, S06E05)
  • "You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby." (Veep, S06E05)
  • "What does Rumpleforeskin want?" (Veep, S06E05)
  • "You want me to just say, 'Cowabunga, mom!'?"
    "Oh, yes, that would be awesome."
    "Well, it's not gonna happen. Alas, we are not cowabunga people." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E19)
  • "Cowabunga, mother!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E19)
  • "It's easy to look at this place and think we're rich now, like that half-naked Scottish duck you boys love." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E23)
  • Chris Elliott (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E23)
  • Fresh Off The Boat Season Grade: C-
  • "I understand why you think some little game is newsworthy, since your last job was at E! co-hosting Fashion 9-1-1."
    "Um, it was Fashion 9/11, and it was immediately cancelled." (Great News, S01E08)
  • "How does the quiet half of the room feel about Gilead?" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • "Please don't be sorry. Please do something." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • "My country is dying."
    "My country is already dead." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • ♫: Adam Taylor – "He's Alive" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • Speechless Season Grade: D+
  • "Enemies are at the gates – inside the gates, fornicating with our cookware!" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • "My mom." (Fargo, S03E05)
  • ♫: Minor Mishap Marching Band – "Track Suit" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • ♫: Jeff Russo and Noah Hawley – "Ship of Fools" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • Joe Buck: "I was born in Florida. Of course I've had a finger in my ass." (Brockmire, S01E08)
  • Brockmire Season Grade: C-


(Saturday Night Live, S42E21)

  • Saturday Night Live Season Grade: C
  • "Can't jerk off in AirBNBs." (Master of None, S02E02)
  • ♫: Kraftwerk – "Computer Love" (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "Sorry I had to cancel on Sunday. I had to tune in for that WWE SummerSlam pay-per-view. […] Dean Ambrose wrestled Samoa Joe for the WWE Championship." (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "You're the son of Scatman?" (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "Favourite taco in New York?"
    "Mm, Los Tacos No.1, the al pastor." (Master of None, S02E05)
  • "Why are white girls always talking about grain bowls?" (Master of None, S02E06)


(Master of None, S02E09)

  • Raven Live! (Master of None, S02E10)
  • "We don't run here at Raven Live!" (Master of None, S02E10)


(Master of None, S02E10)

  • "I mean, I don't think you can see into the future."
    "I know you did not just bring up That's So Raven." (Master of None, S02E10)
  • Master of None Season Grade: B-

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

20. Mr. Nancy (American Gods, S01E02)


Stray Observations

  • "I want to eat your hair." (Making History, S01E08)
  • "I will mount your head on a pike and use it as a hat rack – ugly hats only." (Making History, S01E08)
  • "Any last words, gentlemen?"
    "I did it all for the nookie."
    "Amen." (Making History, S01E08)
  • Gillian Anderson as Lucille Ball (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "I don't want to work for you, I Love Lucy." (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "Hey, you ever wanted to see Lucy's tits?" (American Gods, S01E02)
  • American Boners (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "No cow-killing stories during dinner."
    "How do you think meat get on your plate, huh? It takes strength, but not only strength, it takes talent, because it's a craft. You have to do it right or the cow gets angry, and angry meat taste bad." (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "You're my only black friend." (American Gods, S01E02)
  • ♫: Genghis Barbie – "Take on Me" (The Leftovers, S03E04)
  • "Well, is there anything I can do?"
    "Yes, actually, could you run and go get me some tape?"
    "Oh, I got some right here. Sorry, it's only Scotch, masking, and duct." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E17)
  • "Okay, you guys go see if the smelling salts are over there."
    "Oh, the day I don't bring my salt purse!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E17)
  • "She's too busy pussing out."
    "Or is she too busy pussing in?" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E17)
  • "There's no easy way to say this, so I'm gonna go ahead and sing it." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • "It truly was a Shawshank redemption." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • "Oh, the miracle of nipples – nature's horchata." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • "Dawn: Australian for 'baby.' Like the first light of the new day, or a dishwashing detergent that cuts through grease like a knife. But that's not a knife, this is a baby. Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda…" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: C-
  • "I'm literally the only person in this entire grocery store who's actually buying stuff for myself." (Silicon Valley, S04E03)
  • ♫: Dr. Octagon – "Blue Flowers" (Silicon Valley, S04E03)
  • "I'm just the cream filling in this gayclair." (Veep, S06E04)
  • "Ma'am, Sherman Tanz called again."
    "Oh, God. Where are we with that?"
    "All 'no's."
    "Yeah, just like his face." (Veep, S06E04)
  • Jonah's hold music (Veep, S06E04)
  • "Chocolate chip walnut cookies from Levain." (Veep, S06E04)
  • "You're two hours late."
    "No, that's impossible. I set my watch back for Daylight Savings Time."
    "Saving, not savings."
    "You set your watch the wrong way."
    "It's neither a plural, nor a possessive."
    "No, it's spring. I springed backwards."
    "No, you spring forward!"
    "Have ever watched girls' gymnastics? That makes no sense!" (Veep, S06E04)
  • "Ma'am, New York Times says Montez is naming the nominee today."
    "Eh."
    "Buzzfeed confirms."
    "Oh, my God, really?"
    "Yeah, we should be getting a phone call any minute."
    "Ooh, my heart is racing!"
    "I bet this time, it's just menopause." (Veep, S06E04)
  • Superior Donuts Season Grade: D
  • "That man is full of bologna."
    "Baloney."
    "You're right. He's so vile, we should use the crude Americanization of the word." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)
  • "I'm gonna crush you like a can of diet seltzer water." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)
  • "Now when people think of the Nine-Nine, they'll think of, um… Oh, Detective Diaz filling an iron with tequila."
    "So I could make tequila steam."
    "I can't quite believe I'm gonna say this, but I'm sorry I even came to Rochester." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)
  • "That's right. Imagine a Valentine's Day with no cards from your cousins." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E18)
  • Howard Hesseman (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E22)
  • "My body is a temple, and by that, I mean I let a lot of Jewish guys in." (Great News, S01E05)
  • Directed by Eva Longoria (Black-ish, S03E24)
  • Black-ish Season Grade: C


(Archer, S08E06)

  • "Joe Buck didn't shit in your bed. That was Musburger." (Brockmire, S01E07)
  • "So your life would have been completely different had Musburger just had a smaller dinner." (Brockmire, S01E07)
  • "Cuckmire." (Brockmire, S01E07)
  • Riverdale Season Grade: D+
  • "You'd be amazed at the pheromone community." (Shark Tank, S08E24)
  • Shark Tank Season Grade: C

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Better Call Saul
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

19. (American Gods, S01E01)


Honourable Mention

  • Tandy's demonstrations (The Last Man on Earth, S03E16)
  • Carol's Mission: Impossible theme (Great News, S01E03)

Stray Observations

  • "Wagstaff has a zero tolerance pantsing policy. We're part of a national program called No Pants Pulled Off Behinds." (Bob's Burgers, S07E19)
  • "Do not eat hummus on the couch!"
    "That's not in the Bible!"
    "It's implied!" (Making History, S01E07)
  • Severed arm breaking the letterbox (American Gods, S01E01)
  • "She died with my husband's cock in her mouth." (American Gods, S01E01)
  • ♫: Brian Reitzell – "In the Pines [feat. Mark Lanegan]" (American Gods, S01E01)
  • Vaping synthetic toad skins (American Gods, S01E01)
  • "We have re-programmed reality. Language is a virus, religion an operating system, prayers are just so much fucking spam." (American Gods, S01E01)
  • ♫: Richard Cheese – "Personal Jesus" (The Leftovers, S03E03)
  • "Would you kill a baby if it would cure cancer?"
    "No."
    "That is exactly what I said." [immolates self] (The Leftovers, S03E03)
  • "You looked through my photos."
    "I was hungry. It was in the fridge." (The Leftovers, S03E03)
  • "No, this is a very big deal. Do you know how long you've been promising me you'd paint my go-kart pink for breast cancer awareness?" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E16)
  • "You named five, Fail."
    "Name's Gail. You can have your F back."
    "Sometimes I get my Fs and my Gs mixed up, so why don't you fo guck yourselg?" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E16)
  • "It's hards-on."
    "What?"
    "Hards-on, not hard-ons. It's a syntactical error that I could have remedied if you would just give me the space to speak."
    […]
    "You can't just wiggle your little tush and expect every VC in the Valley to get hards-on." (Silicon Valley, S04E02)
  • "I will destroy you in ways that are so creative they will honour me for it at the Kennedy Center."
    […]
    "I am gonna find ways to destroy you so hard that everybody at the Kennedy Center is gonna take a fuckin' massive shit." (Veep, S06E03)
  • "So now it's the Selina Meyer foundation for adult literacy, AIDS…"
    "And the advancement of global democracy." (Veep, S06E03)
  • "In the immortal words of will.i.am, tonight's gonna be really great!" (Veep, S06E03)
  • "You're just in the middle of what we in America call a…'fuck fog.'"
    "In Finland, we call this the 'fever of the sausage.'" (Veep, S06E03)
  • American Crime Season Grade: C
  • Hitchcock and Scully eating whole cakes (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)
  • "Are you two sure you should be babysitting? You seemed real freaked when you called me last night."
    "Yes, but then we figured out how to be good parents: TV and cake."
    "TV and cake were my parents…"
    [pause]
    "It's okay…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)
  • "There are no highlights in Scottsdale, Margo." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)
  • The Mick Season Grade: C
  • "Shepherd's pie has lamb in it. Do they seem like good shepherds to you? So really, when you think about it, pie is murder. If you choose life, choose cake." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E21)
  • "Dr. Octogenarian!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E21)
  • "This is… Oh, shoot. What's my spy name? Uh, Desk… Desk Crotch." (Great News, S01E03)
  • "Nolite te bastardes carborundorum, bitches." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E04)
  • "Who is this for?" (Speechless, S01E21)
  • "Thank you for that heartfelt welcome, faculty member." (Black-ish, S03E23)
  • "Our Drake poster was gonna go right there…"
    "Or Elliott Yamin."
    [pause]
    "Our Drake poster was gonna go right there." (Black-ish, S03E23)
  • "Man, that thing is out of control." (Archer, S08E05)
  • "Why is there blood on the barrel?"
    "What? No, that's um…hot sauce."
    "Well, why is there hot sauce on it – with a couple of hair stuck in it? Oh, sweet Christ."
    "What?"
    "Did you beat a guinea pig to death with your service weapon, slather the thing in hot sauce, and eat it?" (Archer, S08E05)


(Brockmire, S01E06)

  • Rob McElhenney (Fargo, S03E03)
  • Mother and daughter Frances Fisher and Francesca Eastwood playing Vivian Lord in different eras (Fargo, S03E03)
  • "It's just a story." (Fargo, S03E03)
  • "Probably we should have a milkshake, maybe some curly fries, ponder all future moves." (Fargo, S03E03)
  • Akita Yoshimura has played Sulu in Star Trek sketches from 1976, 1986, 1994, and now, 2017 (Saturday Night Live, S42E19)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Leftovers
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

18. Wu-Tang Trampoline (The Leftovers, S03E02)


Honourable Mention

  • Trog × My Way of Life" × The Doors' "The End" (Feud, S01E08)
  • The Ceremony (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E01)

Stray Observations

  • "You kids have a gurney?"
    "Oh, we just got rid of all our gurneys." (Bob's Burgers, S07E17)
  • "Maybe you shouldn't know too much going in. I think it'll be better that way."
    "Like the Iraq War." (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • "Oh, God… Everything hurts."
    "Just imagine yourself inside the planetarium having an amazing climax."
    "Gene, that's… Never mind." (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • "Planetariums are so stressful. Why didn't you warn us, Neil deGrasse Tyson?!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • ♫: Perfect Strangers theme song (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • RT: The episode's script is credited to "Tha Lonely Donkey Kong & Specialist Contagious," which is what Tom Perrotta and Damon Lindelof got after they fed their names into a Wu-Tang name generator (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • "If you don't mind, I'm just gonna sit here and smoke my coping mechanism." (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • Mark Linn-Baker (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • ♫: Piano Perfect Strangers theme song (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • Jack-o'-lantern footwear (The Last Man on Earth, S03E15)
  • "Hey, Tandy, soup's on. Tonight's special: Cream of your face."
    "Oh, really?! 'Cause I heard it was Todd-mato soup! Burn!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E15)
  • "[A] Donald Duck's a gay guy who's been kicked out of the Navy." (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • ♫: Papa Roach – "Last Resort" (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • Ed Chen with a lacrosse stick and Tom Brady jersey (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • ♫: DJ Shadow – "Systematic [feat. Nas]" (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • "Unlike small town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "And we need to tell them that the Kennedy library is a reference point, 'cause, you know, he was also a part-termer." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "Find me Mrs. Ryan."
    "Okay…"
    "Not my mom." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "That was a long one. She must be at a light." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "What am I supposed to do? Re-hire Frida Swahlo?" (Veep, S06E02)
  • "And that Jack Nicholson… Is he vaguely cross-eyed?" (Feud, S01E08)
  • "What kind of Medieval dental practice extracts six teeth without putting in implants?"
    "It's called 'The Buckle.' When you remove the back teeth, your cheeks curve in at a more elegant angle." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "Nothing good can come from comparing yourself." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "Let's order some guacamole." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I can't go to rehab. I can't! I've got the Dean Martin Roast!" (Feud, S01E08)
  • "No one was throwing gasoline on your resentments." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I spent my whole life being Joan Crawford, a woman I created for others. I don't know who I am when I'm by myself." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I wish… I wish I'd been a friend to you." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "My mother always said, 'Don't say anything bad about the dead. Only say good.' Joan Crawford is dead. Good." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "She continued to smoke up to 100 cigarettes a day." (Feud, S01E08)
  • Feud Season Grade: B
  • Bates Motel Season Grade: C
  • ♫: Little Richard – "Hurry Sundown" (Better Call Saul, S03E03)
  • ♫: Todd Terje – "Alfonso Muskedunder" (Better Call Saul, S03E03)
  • "Amy's friend at HQ heard that maybe the Seven-Four was getting shut down instead."
    "There's no way that's true. Amy doesn't have a friend."
    "I do so! Although, I only see her at work events, and we only talk through e-mail. Oh God, she's just a colleague." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Hey, I know this is just a stolen bike case, but you know what we should do? Stand back-to-back with our guns drawn while we're surrounded by bad guys."
    "You know what I call that? The Man Sprinkler!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Never vacation in Banff." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Silk is for sex workers or musicians." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Sexy is finding the thing that you hate most about yourself and then shoving it into somebody else's face until they think that you're okay with it."
    "Yeah, like Adrien Brody's noise."
    "I don't want Adrien Brody's nose for boobs."
    "Yeah, okay, well, I don't want my knees, but that's life." (The Mick, S01E16)
  • "Booby on the move, coming right your way." (The Mick, S01E16)
  • "Well, it seems we have a slow news day on our hands. CNN is just playing Death Becomes Her." (Great News, S01E02)
  • "Please, God, don't let me be a fucking moron." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E02)
  • ♫: "Don't You [Forget About Me]" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E02)
  • "No ice cream for you this month, young lady." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E03)
  • ♫: DaftBeatles – "Heart of Glass [Crabtree Remix]" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E03)
  • "You don't think J.J. has a right to run away?"
    "He has the same rights as anybody else. If he were any other teen, he'd be halfway to Provo by now. […] Provo?"
    "Runaway capital of the world." (Speechless, S01E20)
  • "I want a robe."
    "[…] What? Like a lady in a lotion commercial?"
    "No, like a boy in repose!" (Speechless, S01E20)
  • "You can do plenty on your own."
    "Oh, really? Name one other person like me who does."
    "Oh, please. I can think of someone right off the top of my head."
    "Look me in the eye and tell me it's not Wheels from—"
    "Yeah, no, it's Wheels from Burger King Kids Club. Okay, fine. Thank you, detective." (Speechless, S01E20)
  • Rashida Jones playing Tracee Ellis Ross' sister (Black-ish, S03E21)
  • "Southern Cal is the best school in the country, baby girl! Congratulations!"
    "Best school in the country? That's not even the best school in L.A." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "You're thinking about this going to college thing all wrong, son. You've got to make Zoey's education work for you. It's not about where she wants to go; it's about where you want to visit her." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "Hey! I'm walkin' here! We got the best pizza! Ahh, fuhgeddaboudit!"
    "Eyy! Lena Dunham's doing performance art down at the Brooklyn Academy of Music! Bada biiing!" (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "The only good thing to come out of Miami is an empty bus." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "You're the goddamn parking lot king of Minnesota." (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "Feminine hygiene deployed as a weapon?" (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "That's the last dime you're ever gonna see from the parking lot king of Minnesota." (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "The news now is pretty much anything that was on the internet yesterday." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "That ball cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery because it just got cattooed – Jim Brockmeower." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "Brockmire ASMR." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "Before we leave you, yet one more message from Stamps.com" (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "This is Ira Glass. He's the king dick of non-profit media." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "I can never unsee him naked."
    "I mean, the size of that thing."
    "Hollow that big bastard out, you could use it for an umbrella stand." (Archer, S04E08)
  • UCLA (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Even more blackface. Apparently, this is a thing that white children are into." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "You're not Rashida Jones bi-racial, you're Tracee Ellis Ross bi-racial. People think of you as black." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "He's literally Dap from School Daze, but darker, and you pass him up for Mackle-less?" (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Roland Martin was a mere two feet away, and we all know how he loves to blast people on Twitter. I'm still in therapy from the last time I was trending." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "I pledge allegiance to your cock." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Just because you got a black chick on your arm doesn't mean you get to Miley Cyrus our pain, a'ight?" (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Nigga, I should hit you for thinking that I would hit you." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "You have a framed picture of Reagan in your dorm room."
    "You have a framed picture of Stacey Dash in yours. What's your point?"
    "It's not Stacey Dash! It's Dionne! Nothing after Clueless matters." (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "You should come, drink some Windex." (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • ♫: "Redbone" (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "Pastiche threw a blackface party over the weekend."
    "Like, Zoe Saldana or Al Jolson?" (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "My girls and I are going to the Midsummer Night's Dream party."
    "Stop it. That thing where the freshman girls wander around outside waiting for a senior to date rape them?"
    "Waiting for a senior to kiss them. You're confusing it with the Taming of the Shrew party." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "Don't Assata Shakur me." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "I wanted an avant-garde look, like Solange. Something that says, 'I'm woke, but I'll also kick your ass in an elevator.'" (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "If you weren't legacy, you'd be a flight attendant on Spirit Airlines." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "Friends, in American popular culture, many black men seem obsessed with white girls. What is this about?"
    "Anal." (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "Ikumi, your new catch-all Asian friend." (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "You do realize all we do is complain about things. It is as though Americans would have no identity if not for their near-constant outrage. I know so much about what you don't like. What do you all like, eh?" (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "Yeah, we're friends, but suddenly I'm supposed to give you nigga dispensation?" (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • Directed by Barry Jenkins (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • Ménage à trois callback (Dear White People, S01E06)
  • Reggie feeding Sam ramen (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • "Pinocchio! That was my favourite movie growing up."
    "What was the Kenyan version? [clicks tongue]"
    "No, it was called My Ancestors Were Smart Enough Not to Get Captured." (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • You Must Remember This (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • Bonr (Dear White People, S01E08)
  • "What's up, my nig?! Yeah… That's, that's too much." (Dear White People, S01E08)
  • "We'll both go to Columbia, of course, because we have to live in New York, and NYU is a joke." (Dear White People, S01E09)
  • "I can't believe I gave up my hair for you." (Dear White People, S01E09)
  • Dear White People Season Grade: B-

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Leftovers
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. Pump Pump (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E14)


Honourable Mention

  • Piss Montage (Fargo, S03E01)

Stray Observations


RT: "Originally, we wanted to do an Anthony Bourdain balloon because of the idea that celebrity chefs had disappeared en masse. We got Bourdain's photo in the pilot, but [when he was approached about Season 3] Bourdain was like, 'No! No Bourdain balloon!'" (The Leftovers, S03E01)

  • RT: The blood squib when Dean dies is one of the biggest I've seen. (The Leftovers, S03E01)


(Veep, S06E01)

  • "Without him, we don't have a Chinaman's chance."
    "I'm sorry, Ben. Here at Uber and in the rest of the world, the word 'Chinaman' is considered inappropriate."
    "No no no, it's okay. My wife is Oriental. All of them have been. I kinda got yellow fev-ah." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "And that is why I am taking this opportunity to announce my charitable organization, the Meyer Fund for Adult Literacy."
    "Certainly a worthwhile cause, but if we could bring it back to Sherman Tanz—"
    "And AIDS."
    "Wow. AIDS."
    "Yes, AIDS. AIDS is a big part of the tapestry." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "I feel like we're celebrating my frat house gang rape, except I didn't even get a candlelight vigil."
    "I love candles." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "Son of a Sam. Offices in the South Bronx? I'm not the President of the Dominican Republic." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "The National Association for Transgender People would like to give you an award."
    "Oh. Well, that's nice. Tell them I accept. Them?"
    "It's 'her.'"
    "Her."
    "Him."
    "Him. I don't know. Tell the bearded ladies I'm coming." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "What's going on with the speeches?"
    "Let's see. We have the National Auto Dealers for $100,000."
    "You've gotta be kidding me. That's half of what Hughes gets. That is pure sexism. You call those people back and you tell them that I was the first female President of the United States and I will not work for less than 87 cents on the dollar." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "I am so sorry to hear about Uber."
    "Oh, God, a bunch of dumb-ass millennials, you know, too lazy to learn how to drive drunk." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "Shlomo Tanz is radioactive. He can read the newspaper on the toilet by the light of his own shit." (Veep, S06E01)
  • Plastic on hotel beds (Feud, S01E07)
  • "She's gassing us all with her VapoRub for show." (Feud, S01E07)
  • "I don't do bitches. They make me so unhappy. You should call my sister." (Feud, S01E07)
  • Coca-Cola photo-op (Feud, S01E07)
  • Flatline clock (24: Legacy, S01E12)
  • 24: Legacy Season Grade: D
  • Strowman binning Kalisto (WWE Raw, 04-17-17)
  • "She's like the Precious of Iraq." (Superior Donuts, S01E11)
  • "Can anything be too Ben Carson?" (Superior Donuts, S01E11)
  • "Death isn't about deserving. It's just part of the deal." (Bates Motel, S05E09)
  • "Cracker Barrel. It always helps to mention Cracker Barrel."
    "Well, I think it's great you let Margaret play inside. It's a hot one out there. I was thinking of going over to Cracker Barrel because they've got such great air conditioning." (Better Call Saul, S03E02)
  • "You sound like you're outdoors. Are you staying out of the sun? It's a hot one today. I'm sorry, but Jimmy is unavailable at the moment. If you'd like to leave a message, Mr. Ehrman…traut? Trout, like the fish? Uh, I hear Cracker Barrel has excellent air— This one really don't wanna talk about Cracker Barrel." (Better Call Saul, S03E02)
  • "Have you guys had the soup over at Cracker Barrel today?" (Better Call Saul, S03E02)
  • "Terry puts out." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E14)
  • "No matter what happens, we'll feel better knowing we didn't resort to blackmail."
    "I agree. From now on, the only black male I want anything to do with is you." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E14)
  • "White people love to shorten their names." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E20)
  • Helpful Ember-narrated previously-on (The Magicians, S02E13)
  • "I look like Jack Sparrow if he were played by a man." (The Magicians, S02E13)
  • ♫: Manchester String Quartet – "Best Day of My Life" (The Magicians, S02E13)
  • The Magicians Season Grade: C
  • "Where are you from?"
    "America…" (Fargo, S03E01)
  • Ashton belittling Vanck to the camera with Vanck next to her (The Amazing Race, S29E04)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Better Call Saul
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


16. Braun Strowman savagely attacks Roman Reigns (WWE Raw, 04-10-17)


Honourable Mention

  • Downriver Ale / Little Caesars / Chrysler Pacifica ads (Detroiters, S01E10)

Stray Observations

  • Homeland Season Grade: D
  • John Waters as William Castle (Feud, S01E06)
  • "Does the syntax concern anyone else here at the table?" (Feud, S01E06)
  • "I don't know how to be alone."
    "We'll be alone together." (Feud, S01E06)
  • "It's Louisiana. Everything has the sweet smell of rot." (Feud, S01E06)
  • "It's our burden, except we don't get a hashtag." (American Crime, S03E05)
  • "You're dancing with a hot chick under protest." (Crashing, S01E08)
  • "It's like Jambi's house." (Crashing, S01E08)
  • "Don't each french fries with your foot." (Crashing, S01E08)
  • Crashing Season Grade: C-
  • "Pull yourself together and go out there and make Teddy feel like he's the most interesting man on Earth. I want him to think he's Andy Borowitz when this is all done." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E13)


(Fresh Off the Boat, S03E19)

  • ♫: Peter Gabriel – "Lay Your Hands on Me" (The Americans, S05E06)
  • Al Borland (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • "Rick Mahorn from the Pistons has a car dealership? I did not know that." (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • "Bicken Bones." (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • Rick Mahorn acting (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • Detroiters Season Grade: C+
  • "There was a great king on Earth who had a philosophy: Hakuna matata." (The Magicians, S02E12)
  • ♫: Migos – "Handsome and Wealthy" (The Magicians, S02E12)
  • "Welcome to Vancouver" (The Magicians, S02E12)


(Archer, S08E02)

  • "Honor is very important to my people."
    "The Japanese."
    "No, pitchers."
    […]
    "It's offensive to my people."
    "The Japanese."
    "No, Free Masons. I am a man who wears many hats." (Brockmire, S01E03)
  • "Co-exist." (Powerless, S01E08)
  • "Archie, as my blood brother, it was your sole responsibility to ensure that something like this never happened on my birthday. Now we're here, in the middle of a Seth Rogen movie." (Riverdale, S01E10)
  • Molly Ringwald (Riverdale, S01E10)
  • "QR codes are the herpes of mobile technology." (Shark Tank, S08E21)
  • Pepsi ad director continuity (Saturday Night Live, S42E18)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. Roadblock: Shamir's Testicles (The Amazing Race, S29E02)


Stray Observations

  • "I lost the year 1996 to schnapps. I still don't know what the Macarena is." (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "It's definitely not a him because it has babies."
    "Oh, a gay raccoon can't have babies?"
    "Oh, I dunno, I guess he could adopt or have a surrogate." (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "It has three black rings on its tail and its ear kinda has a notch in it."
    "A gauge? Has that reached the raccoon community?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "Oh, hey, I got you something too. Turn it upside down. Her clothes come off."
    "Wait, why would you think I'd be into this?"
    "Oh, I bought a white woman 'cause I just didn't want to assume…" (Making History, S01E05)
  • ♫: "Ants Marching" (Making History, S01E05)
  • "It appears we're dealing with a deaf, or, like, a Nell." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • "LaFontaines are notorious bullies." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • Hot tub sundae (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • "I'm bending over backwards for this kid, pulling out all the stops, but he's just acting like a real LaFontaine." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • The Walking Dead Season Grade: D-
  • "My Joan is faaar worse than your Joan." (Feud, S01E05)
  • "Hypocrisy is the tribute vice must pay to virtue." (Feud, S01E05)
  • "You don't have to use your own dick for dick pics. You just Google 'picture of dick.' Gotta make sure it looks enough like your dick, because you don't want your dick pic to write a check that your real dick can't cash. You want to see the dick I use? It might be able to work for both of us. I have an Indian friend who uses a picture of my actual dick."
    "I don't want to use your dick." (Crashing, S01E07)
  • Miranda Otto outrunning fire (24: Legacy, S01E10)
  • "I couldn't find your trash bin, so I threw it away in the toilet."
    "What'd you throw in the toilet?"
    "The, uhh, salami from the fridge."
    "What?"
    "I didn't flush it, so you're gonna have a bunch of salami floating around in your toilet bowl."
    "What?" (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "Children's literature just got a brand new daddy." (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "I published the entire Bitch Witch series: Bitch Witch Christmas, Bitch Witch Prom Night, and Bitch Witches of Rhode Island. (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "Wanna hear some music?"
    "Sure, yeah, that could be inspiring."
    [sings "Hot Cross Buns"] (New Girl, S06E22)
  • New Girl Season Grade: C
  • "It's like a sweatier, more violent Melrose Place."
    "Those are my only two criticisms of Melrose Place." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E18)
  • "Do you want to hear about Lotus 1-2-3?" (The Americans, S05E05)
  • Kevin Nash (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "Husky Boys: Chode style." (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "To our mouths and buttholes, may they never meet." (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "No, no no no no. Don't check a man's search history." (Speechless, S01E19)
  • "Ma'am, my name is Ahmad Rashad, and your hand is on my penis." (Black-ish, S03E20)
  • "Speak any German?"
    "You know, 'don't shoot,' 'I surrender,' 'Hitler's the tops,' stuff like that." (Archer, S08E01)
  • Wine for cats and dogs (Shark Tank, S08E20)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

14. Psycho (Bates Motel, S05E06)


Stray Observations

  • "Feeding time, huh?"
    "No, just doing a detail job on the urchin's anus."
    "Good work if you can get it."
    "Sure is, but it looks like I won't be able to do it much longer."
    "Why? Did the sea urchin learn how to brush its own anus?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E14)
  • "Churches don't pay taxes, but they're hard to heat, so it balances out."
    "I never thought about heating costs for churches, but sure. High ceilings, all those windows…" (Bob's Burgers, S07E14)
  • "I love the metric system. I give it a ten out of ten." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Pretending to strongly believe in something that you don't is great preparation for being, like, a lawyer, or a stepdad." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "I guess it makes me mad that they call it your 'bottom' when it's in the middle? Or, why do horseshoes only come in one style? Why can't they have horse sandals?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "And if we adopt the metric system, when someone says, 'Thanks a ton,' you won't actually know how much they're thanking you." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Sundown is at 6:43, so my telescope and I will be there at 6:44."
    "Only Ursa Minor will be visible, but we'll still have Ursa Major fun." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "This Duncan guy is from New Zealand, and no one can understand him."
    "Rebuttal. Yeah, where I'm from, we call it 'buttle rubbies.'" (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Want me to twist you off a chestie?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Help us feast on these completely charred and nearly inedible flying beasts."
    "The trick to catching more than one duck at once is to kill them while they're fornicating."
    "We followed their quacks of ecstasy into the woods, crept up, smashed them with rocks."
    "How can you tell a quack of ecstasy?"
    "A quack of ecstasy is two quacks."
    "Two quacks heightening to a final clim-quacks."
    "There's three ducks…"
    "As far as we could tell, these two ducks here were in a relationship, and this third duck was hanging around watching, trying to get in on the mix." (Making History, S01E04)
  • "All black people are guardian angels. Remember that." (Making History, S01E04)
  • "NBA Jam?! Two miracles in one day." (Making History, S01E04)
  • "You are not going to fail on my watch, you fat pig!" (Making History, S01E04)
  • "You'll notice I've placed a hat in front of each of you. You're gonna want to hold on to it." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "You gotta remember that the camera adds 10 pounds. Ever try to take a picture of a scale on zero? Can't do it. It'll always say '10.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Find this thing we need to."
    "Tandy, I think you mean 'Find this thing to which we need.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Most people are scared to engage others in conversation. That's why if you ever see me at a social event, no one's ever talking to me." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "If I'm to believe all the recommended ages on the board games, we're dealing with an individual between the ages of eight and 80." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Oh, my goodness! This is delicious candy, and there's so much of it! Hey, and if candy's not your bag, we got a whole slew of items catering to a more experienced taste! Talking to you, Benji! Yeah, we got, uh, Metamucil, BluBlockers, hearing aids, couple Judging Amy DVDs, you got a box of Depends diapie-diaps! It's a world of pure imagination for young and old alike! It's raining Fixodent!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Loforwarto't! That's a shortening of the phrase 'looking forward to it'!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Yeah, nature called, and I am currently answering! Yeah, went a little hard on the prune juice! Yeah, that's something you'll learn about me! Major prune guy!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Over a million views on YouTube…" (Homeland, S06E10)
  • "It wasn't cute when you were 45, and it sure as hell isn't cute now." (Feud, S01E04)
  • Toby Huss as Frank Sinatra (Feud, S01E04)
  • "One slice each, apple, pecan, and whipped cream, with two Pepsi-Colas."
    "Well, no time like the present to develop diabetes."
    "Miss Joan forbids sweets. She says sugar is a dangerous food. I take my thrills where I can." (Feud, S01E04)
  • "On frontier, only men, like bathhouse." (Feud, S01E04)
  • Sarah Silverman's apartment number is 420 (Crashing, S01E06)
  • ♫: Eiffel 65 – "Blue" (Crashing, S01E06)
  • "Why do you have so many visors? Are you an old Korean lady?" (Superior Donuts, S01E09)
  • RT: So Rihanna has killed Hannibal Lecter and eluded Norman Bates. (Bates Motel, S05E06)
  • "You're not too little now, Norman." (Bates Motel, S05E06)
  • Donna Pescow (New Girl, S06E21)
  • "This is what happens when you're self-sufficient!" (The Mick, S01E13)
  • ♫: "Lipstick on a Turd" (Detroiters, S01E08)
  • "Half the clickbait out there is encoded knowledge for Magicians." (The Magicians, S02E10)
  • "Ohh, honey, we both know that rehab is about more than nachos and backgammon." (The Magicians, S02E10)
  • "The Tesla Flexion has only been successfully employed once before. Luckily, we are using the original equipment left to Brakebills by the man who invented it."
    "Nikola Tesla?"
    "No. Fred Flexion." (The Magicians, S02E10)
  • What the main titles are (Legion, S01E08)
  • ♫: Pink Floyd (Legion, S01E08)
  • ♫: T. Rex – "Children of the Revolution" (Legion, S01E08)
  • Legion Season Grade: B
  • Review Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek


Looking forward:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

13. Matt and Jay try to turn a hostage situation into a chance to play the Rivoli (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)


Honourable Mention

  • Montage of their animosity toward one another (Feud, S01E03)
  • Lavar Ball interview (First Take, 03-23-17)

Stray Observations

  • "Wait, is that…? This is your mom too? Are we sisters?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "I can't get through to Tina, but you know what can? Some strong heroine." (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "So, in conclusion, outer space, determination, and karate." (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "Clear eyes, full hearts, I'm Cher." (Making History, S01E03)
  • Deb eating a coaster (Making History, S01E03)
  • "I've been drinking my own breast water to survive." (Making History, S01E03)
  • "M and M?"
    "That year, from here to here, I spent smoking meth and masturbating." (Homeland, S06E09)
  • "Hey, I think she's trying to say something."
    "Waa…"
    "Wine! She needs wine!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Hey, it's Henry Wadsworth Long-mellow! […] Mellow-nor Roosevelt, out." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "By the way, my penis is waaay larger than one sixth of an inch. Well, larger than one sixth of an inch." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Ahh… Whites." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Jiminy Glick." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)


(Feud, S01E03)

  • "You said he was from Broadway. He's not. I checked. All his stage work is from San Diego."
    "Yeah, the Old Globe. He's a distinguished Shakespearean actor."
    "Oh, I'm sure his Falstaff is the talk of Tijuana." (Feud, S01E03)
  • "And it was Gloria Swanson who was robbed in 1950, not yooUUU, bitch!" (Feud, S01E03)
  • "Women outlive men; children leave. Best get used to it."
    "Oh, Mamacita, how I love your Teutonic pragmatism." (Feud, S01E03)
  • Bette ashing her cigarette in the Pepsi machine (Feud, S01E03)
  • "You're like his white magical negro." (Superior Donuts, S01E08)
  • Gangsters vs. terrorists (24: Legacy, S01E08)
  • Rihanna (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Carlton Cuse (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Norman in a gay bar (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Martha (The Americans, S05E03)
  • "Should we tell Paige about this?" (The Americans, S05E03)
  • "Can I start you gentlemen with something to drink?"
    "I'm good with just water."
    "You sure? The bar has everything."
    "Oh, no, no thanks. I don't drink."
    "I'll have a double bourbon and a Vernors."
    "I'll have a giant glass boot filled with beer."
    "I'm sorry, we don't have that."
    "Well, then your bar doesn't have everything." (Detroiters, S01E07)


(Detroiters, S01E07)

  • "Boys, would you like to hear the world's saddest nine-word novel? 'For sale: Shoes for two inflatable pre-teens. Never used." (Detroiters, S01E07)
  • "I think this is a tad redundant."
    "Protocol."
    "For werewolves."
    "Okay, technically, I have sexually-transmitted lycanthropy." (The Magicians, S02E09)
  • Les Misérables (The Magicians, S02E09)
  • Professor X's wheelchair (Legion, S01E07)
  • "And you're…British?"
    "Like I said, I'm your rational mind." (Legion, S01E07)
  • "Is that supposed to be a British accent?" (Legion, S01E07)


(Legion, S01E07)


(Legion, S01E07)


(Legion, S01E07)

  • Oliver and his Martinis (Legion, S01E07)
  • ♫: The Grassy Knoll – "Art of Fear [feat. Vernon Reid, Brad Houser, and Adam Sultan]" (Legion, S01E07)
  • "I'm second-lead clown in a Russian circus." (Baskets, S02E10)
  • "Communist poodles? How'd they get in the country?" (Baskets, S02E10)
  • "You want to eat at Planet Hollywood, huh? With Arnold Schwarzenegger? Steven Seagal? You know what? You're fired, or whatever your new president says." (Baskets, S02E10)
  • Baskets Season Grade: A-


(Review, S03E02)

  • "I had no idea what you said about me during my murder trial until I took off my Helkelmet [my Helen Keller helmet]." (Review, S03E02)
  • "You used to do things because you wanted to do them, not because, 'Ohh, a stranger said I should take my dick out and walk all over my ex-wife's front lawn.'"
    "Okay, that was not the review requests. I was living my dream." (Review, S03E02)
  • Dog Day Afternoon (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Pull out the gun, and go, 'And his name is John Cena!'"
    "You can't just pull out a gun and yell 'John Cena.' The plan is good enough. We don't need to add a John Cena part to everything."
    "It's a John Cena element." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Is this guy black too? Nooo! This is so terrible. Oh, no, okay. No, this guy's white. Okay, they're a mixed gang. This is actually kind of nice. They must have been very good buddies. Maybe they all went to, like, uhh, art school together." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • [watching The Negotiator] "Very fuckable film." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Back once again with the renegade masters." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • Nirvanna the Band the Show Season Grade: B+

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

12. Feeling Good (Legion, S01E06)


Stray Observations

  • "If you thought nougat likes lots of humidity, you'd be wrong, dead wrong." (Bob's Burgers, S07E12)
  • "Well, nowadays, business isn't done in offices. Business is done walking really fast down long hallways and at urinals. Haven't you seen Entourage?"
    "Is it a show about people peeing and getting stuff done?"
    "Yeah, more or less." (Bob's Burgers, S07E12)
  • "After seeing that Peppermint Patricia wrapper…" (Making History, S01E02)
  • "I don't want to have this conversation in front of the guns." (Making History, S01E02)
  • "We got an airplane. If we didn't have tiny bottles, we'd be giant buttholes." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)
  • RT: The full list of celebrities Tandy lists in his toast, pump-up speech, and eulogy: Galileo, Sir Isaac Newton, Thomas Alva Edison, Doug Henning, Pelé, Peter Frampton, Jonas Salk, Lena Dunham, Shel Silverstein, Kenny Loggins, George Washington Carver, Nelson Mandela, Jim Henson, Hamilton, the guy who did Hamilton, Neil Armstrong, Johnny Appleseed, SEAL Team Six, Ryan Lochte [before Rio]. (The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)
  • Todd's somber rendition of "Fly" by Sugar Ray (The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)


(The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)

  • "There's no good way to tell people you haven't seen The Wire." (Crashing, S01E04)
  • "How, specifically, would you handle your business?"
    "I'd get mine. Set it off. Be a man. Man up. You know, represent, man. You gotta flip the switch, man. You gotta light it up."
    "Sorry, a lot of these sound like lyrics from the album Willennium." (Crashing, S01E04)
  • "How dare you mention Pepsi. Unlike you, it's good and pure." (Feud, S01E02)
  • "Women will do what they always do when they're cornered – eat their own and pick their teeth with the bones." (Feud, S01E02)
  • TONY ALMEIDA BYKE (24: Legacy, S01E07)
  • ♫: Alana Yorke – "Anthem" (Bates Motel, S05E04)
  • "And I read that authors should all have a strong look, so I found four authors with strong looks and I combined them. Tom Wolfe? White suit. Hunter S. Thompson? Yellow sunglasses. David Foster Wallace? Bandana. Toni Morrison? The Presidential Medal of Freedom." (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "Guess who has two dressers."
    "Rip Torn."
    "No, me."
    "I mean, you and Rip Torn."
    "Stop talking about Rip Torn." (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "I almost hit you with this brushed steel modern lamp." (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "She's your girlfriend. I'm your good friend. She should get to make you sheet cake."
    "That makes sense. I just need to make something clear between us if that's okay. You're saying 'sheet' like 'ghost clothes,' not like 'in a toilet,' right?" (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "The Asian Flush." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E17)
  • Jeremy Lin, Ming-Na Wen, Ali Wong (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E17)
  • Bennigan's (The Americans, S05E02)
  • "Campbell's Soup: 'It's just wet ass food.'" (Detroiters, S01E06)

"We've never been on the cover of a magazine…"
"Well, Chubby Buddies…"

(Detroiters, S01E06)

  • "Spirit Airlines: 'Dying while flying.'" (Detroiters, S01E06)
  • "Bologna: 'Because it's all the meats.'" (Detroiters, S01E06)
  • "Paella only has…22 ingredients?! What does it do? Summon a genie?" (Speechless, S01E18)
  • "Stop singing Imagine Dragons to get me off the track." (The Magicians, S02E08)
  • "You think that I stole something?"
    "Can you believe that, Vivian? Doesn't it just make [pulls out phone] you want to pout?" (Black-ish, S03E18)
  • "Okay, look, black nanny is not a thief."
    "It's Vivian."
    "Please, black nanny, I'm defending you." (Black-ish, S03E18)
  • "Such a sweet little baby, and me, your very own walking, talking fungus." (Legion, S01E06)
  • Craig Kilborn (Workaholics, S07E10)
  • ♫: Asher Roth – "I Love College" (Workaholics, S07E10)
  • "This right here I don't understand. Why am I not the guy in the chair?"
    "Adam, that's not how a bar mitzvah works."
    "I thought I was DJ-ing at a sports bar called 'Bar Mitt Fuzz.' It's a bar mitt and there's fuzz in it." (Workaholics, S07E10)
  • Workaholics Season Grade: D-
  • "Two Boones for one dollar?" (Baskets, S02E09)
  • "We'll have one cup of liquid cheese and an application, please." (Baskets, S02E09)
  • "If somebody gave you a Quiznos franchise, you'd run it into the ground." (Baskets, S02E09)
  • "Suze Orman is not a bitch." (Baskets, S02E09)
  • My Dinner with Andre (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E07)
  • "I don't need any more noodles."
    "But I do, so fuck him and fuck you too. [pause] Eminem." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E07)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


11. CGI Deer (The Walking Dead, S07E12)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "She loves revenge – revenge and shrimp." (Bob's Burgers, S07E11)
  • "Try something from a movie."
    "It's Friday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got nothing to do."
    "A white movie."
    "Show me the money." (Making History, S01E01)
  • "Thank you for what? All that's happened is I've puked, I had an axe thrown at my head, I was treated like a slave, and I drank John Hancock's urine! He is my idol, Dan! My number one! And I drank the pee of the man who is my number one!"
    "Well, I don't think it was just John Hancock's, FYI. I think everyone had a squeeze." (Making History, S01E01)
  • "I'm making you that soup…in my heart." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E10)
  • "You're a cat person that eats dog food, and I'm a dog person that eats cat food. I guess we're more alike than I thought." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E10)
  • "What are you selling the couch for?"
    "I don't know. Like, $150?"
    "$150? Are you shitting me? Jess, that's not CB2. That's Crate and Barrel. That's CB1, okay? It came assembled." (Crashing, S01E03)
  • Plastic-covered furniture (Feud, S01E01)
  • "Everything written for women seem to fall into just three categories: Ingénues, mothers, or Gorgons." (Feud, S01E01)
  • "I need a lunch thing." (Feud, S01E01)
  • "Fish Jell-O. Goodie." (Feud, S01E01)
  • "That poor masseuse. Touching Arthur's feet is what they call a 'sad ending.'" (Superior Donuts, S01E06)
  • Dan and Melissa's fight on The Real World: Miami (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E16)
  • Biggie storyline timing (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E16)
  • Lotta digging (The Americans, S05E01)
  • "You're cooler than either of my moms. I'd tell them, but they're at Coachella."
    "Did you hear that, Dylan? I'm cooler than Coachella lesbians." (Speechless, S01E17)
  • "Why are the DeBarges the new face of Boxable?"
    "Oh, I'll tell you why – 'cause our boy Dre here's colorstruck. He's got that beige rage." (Black-ish, S03E17)
  • "All right, so we got, uh, four black coffees and one iced caramel macchiato with extra cream."
    "Extra cream."
    "It's the Michael Jackson of coffees." (Black-ish, S03E17)
  • "Is that the guy that is the captain now?" (Black-ish, S03E17)
  • "Dre, this was supposed to be your Do the Right Thing, but it is your Chi-Raq." (Black-ish, S03E17)
  • Silence (Legion, S01E05)
  • When Cary falls prey to the muting spell that's hit the rest of the group (Legion, S01E05)
  • It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season Grade: C+
  • Man Seeking Woman Season Grade: C
  • "You know, I built you up too much in my head. I did the same thing with the Hobbit movies."
    "I am not the Hobbit movies."
    "That sounds like something a Hobbit movie would say." (Powerless, S01E05)
  • "Hey, loser, you want to go out with me?"
    "No. Why would you think that?"
    "Uhh, because I've been negging you hard. All of Reddit said this would work." (Powerless, S01E05)
  • Monogrammed Quiznos jacket (Baskets, S02E08)
  • "I'm sorry I put the Chemical brothers in a headlock, made them kiss each other, say 'I love you,' and then I buhshed their heads together."
    "I can't believe we almost let the Chemical Brothers come between us." (Baskets, S02E08)
  • Whiskey salad: Apples, oranges, marshmallows, whiskey, one raisin. (Baskets, S02E08)
  • Portlandia Season Grade: C-
  • Lost ending (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E06)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

10. Oliver (Legion, S01E04)


Honourable Mention

  • Tandem fight (Legion, S01E04)
  • Entourage opening credits (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E05)

Stray Observations

  • "I'm not lawful, neutral, or chaotic – none of the above." (The Walking Dead, S07E11)
  • "A man without faith is dangerous." (24: Legacy, S01E05)
  • Norman in full Norma drag (Bates Motel, S05E02)
  • "You look really good in that dress, by the way."
    "Thanks. It's breezy on my vagina." (The Mick, S01E11)
  • "The world is a dangerous place. Nobody's safe. It does not take a little boy in a dress to molest your daughter. I use the girls' room. I could easily molest her anytime I want." (The Mick, S01E11)
  • "Purple horseshoe?! Is this some kind of a political thing?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "Why would she put dirty plates in the drying rack?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "If you weren't stealing, then why was this tucked into your waistband?"
    "Because my pockets were full of Runts candy."
    "Okay, let's see this candy."
    "I ate it on the way over here. That's what they're for. They're my traveling Runts."
    "You even ate the bananas. Yeah, right." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "I took the fall for him. I mean, what's another papaya on my rap sheet?"
    "You mean you sat and watched me eat your Irish elf cereal just so your little brother wouldn't get into trouble?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "Eddie, there's something called a 'white lie,' and that is a lie that protects you from all the things that make white people soft." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "You are simply somebody's meat, boy." (Taboo, S01E08)
  • "I thought the gunpowder was for the Americans."
    "We are Americans." (Taboo, S01E08)
  • Taboo Season Grade: C+
  • "These are all the suits I wore back in the Motown days. This one, Motown 25. This one, Tom Green pranked me in. Made me eat goo." (Detroiters, S01E04)


(Detroiters, S01E04)

  • "I need you to make me a sign."
    "I won't make a sign with the words 'dick,' 'pussy,' or 'shit.'"
    "Wait a minute. What if my name was 'Dick Pussy'?"
    "Is your name 'Dick Pussy'?"
    "For the sake of this argument, yes, it is!"
    "Okay… Well, I'll make whatever sign you like, Mr. Pussy." (Detroiters, S01E04)
  • "Prince Ess." (The Magicians, S02E06)
  • "The prince speaks fluent Earth. Rumour has it his mother is from, uhh, Cincinnaahhti." (The Magicians, S02E06)


(The Magicians, S02E06)

  • "I think this girl's down to grind Eric Nies-style."
    "Yeah, no, she definitely wants to grind Eric Nies-style-y, but that vibe she's throwing towards me."
    "Guys, welcome to the real world, season one, okay? If anybody's gonna be grinding Eric Nies-style-y, it's gonna Heather be me." (Workaholics, S07E08)
  • Rosencricket and Guildenstern Are Dead (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E09)
  • Eric Andre as The Joker (Man Seeking Woman, S03E09)
  • ♫: ZZ Ward – "OverdoZZe (feat. Pell)" (Riverdale, S01E06)
  • Top Chef Season Grade: C
  • Christine hailing a taxi (Baskets, S02E07)
  • Adrian Grenier (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E05)
  • Emilio Estevez (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E05)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

9. Don't tell mom the babysitter's Quinn (Homeland, S06E05)


Honourable Mention

  • Alex Jones (Homeland, S06E05)
  • CMFB! (Club for My Friend's Band) (Portlandia, S07E08)
  • Daredevil opening credits (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)
  • Filming during and disrupting an actual IMAX premiere screening of The Force Awakens (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)
  • Daredevil fight (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)

Stray Observations

  • Tina eating cat food (Bob's Burgers, S07E10)
  • Punch from a soap dispenser (Son of Zorn, S01E13)
  • Son of Zorn Season Grade: C


(The Walking Dead, S07E10)

  • Lauren Lapkus' left boob (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "Why is my hand towel on your dick?" (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "He's a really talented artist."
    "Oh, I'm sure he's great. They give all the master artists third grade. What's your fuckin' medium? Hand turkeys? Paste noodles?" (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "Is that the Parthenon?"
    "He's Greek."
    "You're leaving me for a guy that has the fuckin' Parthenon on his back?" (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "Damn. You got unexpected crackhead strength, Kevin."
    "Don't judge me. You don't know where my regular strength ends and my crackhead strength begins." (Superior Donuts, S01E04)
  • "Be careful."
    "Yes, you have your whole…a couple of years ahead of you." (Superior Donuts, S01E04)
  • "Okay, mother, I'm just coming." (Bates Motel, S05E01)
  • "I know everything about you – what scares you, what you want, what you Google." (Bates Motel, S05E01)
  • ♫: Etta James – "At Last" (Bates Motel, S05E01)
  • "September 26, 1983. Bob Forsch, he pitched a no-hitter against the Expos. That was the last day I saw my father. He went to get a hot dog during the seventh inning stretch and he just…never came back."
    "He walked out from a no-hitter?" (The Mick, S01E10)
  • "What kind of rational man believes in justice?" (Taboo, S01E07)
  • Rough golf course (Taboo, S01E07)
  • "I have a use for you." (Taboo, S01E07)
  • "It's a PANDORA bracelet. This one's a heart, you know, for obvious reasons. This one's an owl, because you finished college. And this one's a soccer ball, because it's rad." (Detroiters, S01E03)


(Detroiters, S01E03)

  • "My king, I have the best news."
    "If that rabbit was a prosecco, I'd agree." (The Magicians, S02E05)
  • "Really? Live Free or Die Hard is your favourite Die Hard?" (Black-ish, S03E16)
  • "Everyone, this has been a long day. Why don't we just go sleep on it, and we'll vote first thing in the morning? Scandal is on tonight. Let the kid watch one more Scandal." (Black-ish, S03E16)
  • Coffee maker (Legion, S01E03)
  • "I bought poop on the dark web and stuffed it up my butt to lose weight." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "You're the honey that the bee makes / You're the sugar on the pound…carrot." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "You make life sweet, Dee / You make life sweet for…I…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "How did you know that I wanted an RPG?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "Awww, there's no rocket! They forgot to put the rocket in there! Dude, I'm so sorry!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "Son, what's this mom's religion?"
    "She's Jewish."
    "Back it up, people!" (Man Seeking Woman, S03E08)
  • "The acceptance of a racist grandfather is still my white whale." (Powerless, S01E04)
  • "He's just a low-level henchman. I dated one in college. It's basically like dating a bass player."
    "Maybe you're right. I mean, it is probably just a fling. It'll flame out or he'll die."
    "Just like dating a bass player." (Powerless, S01E04)
  • Friday Night Lights much? (Riverdale, S01E05)
  • "I cut open my cheese. It's not cheese. It's a tamale." (Top Chef, S14E13)
  • "I'm on the moon. I'm fishing." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)
  • "You wanna go to Hooters and get some soup?" (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "That's gonna have to be a rain check on the Hooters soup." (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "I got mixed up with some squatter types. Their leader was a drug-addled flautist." (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "So what's next?"
    "Well, how do you feel about taking a shift in the dunk tank?"
    "You said 'shift,' right?" (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "Martha Brooks. I googled her. Nothing came up."
    "Yeah, that's her." (Baskets, S02E06)


(Baskets, S02E06)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Young Pope
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


8. Festival of Friendship (WWE Raw, 02-13-17)

part two / part three / part four


Honourable Mention

  • Tim and Sam dance for Sebastian (Detroiters, S01E02)
  • Trapped in the MRI scanner (Legion, S01E02)
  • Airport sushi restaurant (Portlandia, S07E07)

Stray Observations


(Bob's Burgers, S07E09)

  • "Excuse me while I sky kiss this guy." (Bob's Burgers, S07E09)
  • "My apartment! I mean… My car!" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • ♫: "I Saw a Stranger" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • "You know, I'd never seen a live femur before." (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • ♫: "Whiskey and Zorn" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • "We both had sex with the same dead guy. Doesn't make us friends." (The Walking Dead, S07E09)
  • "God is for men who have no use for freedom." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Science is the gift of God, and God taught us that ovulation is spontaneous."
    "Ask a woman about that. Back when it was still believed that there were two kinds of insemination, male insemination involving sperm, female insemination involving eggs, it was considered a sin not to give a woman pleasure. But then, when it was discovered that ovulation was spontaneous, the cost was several billion female orgasms."
    "But it made psychoanalysts rich."
    "The one profession that involves no work and a great deal of money that we let slip through our fingers." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Who gives a damn about life? Life is not some stupid centerpiece on the side table of nothingness. Life is meant to be used, and to be used well – to love and be loved." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "I never resent anyone. That's my main problem." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Lenny, you think you're the hinge, but you're the door." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • ♫: 13 & God – "Armored Scarves" (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • Fading to black to when the Flume song's outro kicks in (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "How did you do it?"
    "I humiliated him. You have no idea how many objectives can be obtained by humiliating one's fellow man. But there's a secret to it."
    "What is it?"
    "The person humiliated can't realize they've been humiliated." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "In pedophilia, there is only violence, and in homosexuality, there is only love." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "We are power, and power is a banal platitude." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Goodness, unless combined with imagination, runs the risk of being mere exhibitionism." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Affliction changes us, Aguirre."
    "But good mood doesn't." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Those who believe in God don't believe in anything." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • The Young Pope Season Grade: B
  • "Scallops aren't for liars." (New Girl, S06E16)
  • "I don't have to explain myself to a chimney sweep." (New Girl, S06E16)
  • "Look at this place. You got a wet bar. You've got a thermostat."
    "And tickets to something called 'The Clippers.'" (New Girl, S06E16)
  • ♫: Vince Staples – "BagBak" (The Mick, S01E09)
  • "There are dark, unsupervised slut pockets all over that Jewish community center." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • "I'll show them I am amazing at finding things."
    [Where's Waldo?] (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • "Why can't these white people keep track of their kids? Every time we look at a milk carton, we have to see their failures." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • Mort Crim is a real anchorman (Detroiters, S01E02)
  • "What size do you think you're gonna be in nine months? Women's medium?" (Speechless, S01E15)
  • "Darling, I'm British. We invited sartorial nonsense." (Speechless, S01E15)


(Speechless, S01E15)

  • "I know we're being serious right now, but that surgeon has the biggest dick." (The Magicians, S02E04)
  • Pastor throws dove Vine (Black-ish, S03E15)
  • "You gotta step your game up, Dre. Put your crew on your back. Get your Kevin Garnett on."
    "You said what? I'm a soccer guy."
    "My turn to bite, my turn to bite. What, exactly, is a Kevin Garnett?" (Black-ish, S03E15)
  • "I'll calm down. I'll drink some whiskey or something."
    "Yeah. Stuff it down with brown. That's the best way to deal with things." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "You know, I'm getting a bad feeling about this, man."
    "Hey, man, do you think maybe that's 'cause of your librarian trauma?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Hello?"
    "Uhh, yeah, uh, yeah, is yous Daddy and the Boy?"
    "Uhh, y-yes, it is. Boy speaking."
    "I've got a party for you."
    "Umm, Daddy wants to speak with you."
    "Yeah, this is Daddy." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Why did you make a cheese lollipop?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Cricket was a bad idea, huh?"
    "Yeah, I know, but we needed that, like, you know, McConaughey MC type."
    "Yeah, but looks like we got AIDS Dallas Buyers Club McConaughey, not Magic Mike McConaughey." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • Stripping to "Cat's in the Cradle" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "I guess if I had, like, a million dollars, I might want a dick." (Workaholics, S07E06)


(Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)

  • "It would make me the happiest man in the world if I could have anal sex with your daughter." (Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)
  • Harry Knowles (Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)
  • "Booty tutor?" (Riverdale, S01E04)
  • "As Florence Machine says, the dog days are over." (Baskets, S02E05)
  • "I also had sex with your little Frenchy wife."
    "No, you didn't."
    "Yeah, I did. I pretended to be you and had sex with her."
    "Now I know you’re lying. She would never have sex with me." (Baskets, S02E05)
  • Chip and Dale chugging energy shots as they furiously circle a table and brag about sexual conquests that never happened (Baskets, S02E05)
  • The quick shot of random hikers watching Dale in a clown uniform and Chip with a bloody tissue sticking out of his nose walking along train tracks repeatedly saying "Ronald Reagan" (Baskets, S02E05)
  • "Put money in an Asian kid's hand, that kid will love you for the rest of your life." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • Talk show go to commercial (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • "Then I saw the truck outside. It scared the shit out of me, so I did what Kevin does in Home Alone and I got the black guy from Space Jam and I put him in the window to try to scare him off." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • "What time is it?"
    "Seven!!!" (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Young Pope
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek