God, don't let me lose my mind

Off to Charlotte, North Carolina for a week – my first time visiting the Tar Heel State.

Looking forward to trying the local cuisine:

Timing is such that I'm lugging a 1.5kg microphone with me to Charlotte so that Adam Robot and I can record and release a podcast on Twin Peaks before the series returns.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

19. (American Gods, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Tandy's demonstrations (The Last Man on Earth, S03E16)
  • Carol's Mission: Impossible theme (Great News, S01E03)

Stray Observations

  • "Wagstaff has a zero tolerance pantsing policy. We're part of a national program called No Pants Pulled Off Behinds." (Bob's Burgers, S07E19)
  • "Do not eat hummus on the couch!"
    "That's not in the Bible!"
    "It's implied!" (Making History, S01E07)
  • Severed arm breaking the letterbox (American Gods, S01E01)
  • "She died with my husband's cock in her mouth." (American Gods, S01E01)
  • ♫: Brian Reitzell – "In the Pines [feat. Mark Lanegan]" (American Gods, S01E01)
  • Vaping synthetic toad skins (American Gods, S01E01)
  • "We have re-programmed reality. Language is a virus, religion an operating system, prayers are just so much fucking spam." (American Gods, S01E01)
  • ♫: Richard Cheese – "Personal Jesus" (The Leftovers, S03E03)
  • "Would you kill a baby if it would cure cancer?"
    "That is exactly what I said." [immolates self] (The Leftovers, S03E03)
  • "You looked through my photos."
    "I was hungry. It was in the fridge." (The Leftovers, S03E03)
  • "No, this is a very big deal. Do you know how long you've been promising me you'd paint my go-kart pink for breast cancer awareness?" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E16)
  • "You named five, Fail."
    "Name's Gail. You can have your F back."
    "Sometimes I get my Fs and my Gs mixed up, so why don't you fo guck yourselg?" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E16)
  • "It's hards-on."
    "Hards-on, not hard-ons. It's a syntactical error that I could have remedied if you would just give me the space to speak."
    "You can't just wiggle your little tush and expect every VC in the Valley to get hards-on." (Silicon Valley, S04E02)
  • "I will destroy you in ways that are so creative they will honour me for it at the Kennedy Center."
    "I am gonna find ways to destroy you so hard that everybody at the Kennedy Center is gonna take a fuckin' massive shit." (Veep, S06E03)
  • "So now it's the Selina Meyer foundation for adult literacy, AIDS…"
    "And the advancement of global democracy." (Veep, S06E03)
  • "In the immortal words of will.i.am, tonight's gonna be really great!" (Veep, S06E03)
  • "You're just in the middle of what we in America call a…'fuck fog.'"
    "In Finland, we call this the 'fever of the sausage.'" (Veep, S06E03)
  • American Crime Season Grade: C
  • Hitchcock and Scully eating whole cakes (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)
  • "Are you two sure you should be babysitting? You seemed real freaked when you called me last night."
    "Yes, but then we figured out how to be good parents: TV and cake."
    "TV and cake were my parents…"
    "It's okay…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)
  • "There are no highlights in Scottsdale, Margo." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)
  • The Mick Season Grade: C
  • "Shepherd's pie has lamb in it. Do they seem like good shepherds to you? So really, when you think about it, pie is murder. If you choose life, choose cake." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E21)
  • "Dr. Octogenarian!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E21)
  • "This is… Oh, shoot. What's my spy name? Uh, Desk… Desk Crotch." (Great News, S01E03)
  • "Nolite te bastardes carborundorum, bitches." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E04)
  • "Who is this for?" (Speechless, S01E21)
  • "Thank you for that heartfelt welcome, faculty member." (Black-ish, S03E23)
  • "Our Drake poster was gonna go right there…"
    "Or Elliott Yamin."
    "Our Drake poster was gonna go right there." (Black-ish, S03E23)
  • "Man, that thing is out of control." (Archer, S08E05)
  • "Why is there blood on the barrel?"
    "What? No, that's um…hot sauce."
    "Well, why is there hot sauce on it – with a couple of hair stuck in it? Oh, sweet Christ."
    "Did you beat a guinea pig to death with your service weapon, slather the thing in hot sauce, and eat it?" (Archer, S08E05)

(Brockmire, S01E06)

  • Rob McElhenney (Fargo, S03E03)
  • Mother and daughter Frances Fisher and Francesca Eastwood playing Vivian Lord in different eras (Fargo, S03E03)
  • "It's just a story." (Fargo, S03E03)
  • "Probably we should have a milkshake, maybe some curly fries, ponder all future moves." (Fargo, S03E03)
  • Akita Yoshimura has played Sulu in Star Trek sketches from 1976, 1986, 1994, and now, 2017 (Saturday Night Live, S42E19)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Leftovers
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Mock Giraffe

Oh my god, Becky…

China's historical distaste for cheese
In Chinese culture, cheese consumption was historically limited to nomadic tribes living on the fringes of society who were generally viewed as outsiders or barbarians. So back then, eating cheese was associated with an unsavory lifestyle.

The Great Wall, but with Matt Damon fending off people who like to eat cheese.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

18. Wu-Tang Trampoline (The Leftovers, S03E02)

Honourable Mention

  • Trog × My Way of Life" × The Doors' "The End" (Feud, S01E08)
  • The Ceremony (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E01)

Stray Observations

  • "You kids have a gurney?"
    "Oh, we just got rid of all our gurneys." (Bob's Burgers, S07E17)
  • "Maybe you shouldn't know too much going in. I think it'll be better that way."
    "Like the Iraq War." (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • "Oh, God… Everything hurts."
    "Just imagine yourself inside the planetarium having an amazing climax."
    "Gene, that's… Never mind." (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • "Planetariums are so stressful. Why didn't you warn us, Neil deGrasse Tyson?!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • ♫: Perfect Strangers theme song (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • RT: The episode's script is credited to "Tha Lonely Donkey Kong & Specialist Contagious," which is what Tom Perrotta and Damon Lindelof got after they fed their names into a Wu-Tang name generator (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • "If you don't mind, I'm just gonna sit here and smoke my coping mechanism." (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • Mark Linn-Baker (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • ♫: Piano Perfect Strangers theme song (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • Jack-o'-lantern footwear (The Last Man on Earth, S03E15)
  • "Hey, Tandy, soup's on. Tonight's special: Cream of your face."
    "Oh, really?! 'Cause I heard it was Todd-mato soup! Burn!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E15)
  • "[A] Donald Duck's a gay guy who's been kicked out of the Navy." (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • ♫: Papa Roach – "Last Resort" (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • Ed Chen with a lacrosse stick and Tom Brady jersey (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • ♫: DJ Shadow – "Systematic [feat. Nas]" (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • "Unlike small town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "And we need to tell them that the Kennedy library is a reference point, 'cause, you know, he was also a part-termer." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "Find me Mrs. Ryan."
    "Not my mom." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "That was a long one. She must be at a light." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "What am I supposed to do? Re-hire Frida Swahlo?" (Veep, S06E02)
  • "And that Jack Nicholson… Is he vaguely cross-eyed?" (Feud, S01E08)
  • "What kind of Medieval dental practice extracts six teeth without putting in implants?"
    "It's called 'The Buckle.' When you remove the back teeth, your cheeks curve in at a more elegant angle." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "Nothing good can come from comparing yourself." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "Let's order some guacamole." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I can't go to rehab. I can't! I've got the Dean Martin Roast!" (Feud, S01E08)
  • "No one was throwing gasoline on your resentments." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I spent my whole life being Joan Crawford, a woman I created for others. I don't know who I am when I'm by myself." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I wish… I wish I'd been a friend to you." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "My mother always said, 'Don't say anything bad about the dead. Only say good.' Joan Crawford is dead. Good." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "She continued to smoke up to 100 cigarettes a day." (Feud, S01E08)
  • Feud Season Grade: B
  • Bates Motel Season Grade: C
  • ♫: Little Richard – "Hurry Sundown" (Better Call Saul, S03E03)
  • ♫: Todd Terje – "Alfonso Muskedunder" (Better Call Saul, S03E03)
  • "Amy's friend at HQ heard that maybe the Seven-Four was getting shut down instead."
    "There's no way that's true. Amy doesn't have a friend."
    "I do so! Although, I only see her at work events, and we only talk through e-mail. Oh God, she's just a colleague." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Hey, I know this is just a stolen bike case, but you know what we should do? Stand back-to-back with our guns drawn while we're surrounded by bad guys."
    "You know what I call that? The Man Sprinkler!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Never vacation in Banff." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Silk is for sex workers or musicians." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Sexy is finding the thing that you hate most about yourself and then shoving it into somebody else's face until they think that you're okay with it."
    "Yeah, like Adrien Brody's noise."
    "I don't want Adrien Brody's nose for boobs."
    "Yeah, okay, well, I don't want my knees, but that's life." (The Mick, S01E16)
  • "Booby on the move, coming right your way." (The Mick, S01E16)
  • "Well, it seems we have a slow news day on our hands. CNN is just playing Death Becomes Her." (Great News, S01E02)
  • "Please, God, don't let me be a fucking moron." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E02)
  • ♫: "Don't You [Forget About Me]" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E02)
  • "No ice cream for you this month, young lady." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E03)
  • ♫: DaftBeatles – "Heart of Glass [Crabtree Remix]" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E03)
  • "You don't think J.J. has a right to run away?"
    "He has the same rights as anybody else. If he were any other teen, he'd be halfway to Provo by now. […] Provo?"
    "Runaway capital of the world." (Speechless, S01E20)
  • "I want a robe."
    "[…] What? Like a lady in a lotion commercial?"
    "No, like a boy in repose!" (Speechless, S01E20)
  • "You can do plenty on your own."
    "Oh, really? Name one other person like me who does."
    "Oh, please. I can think of someone right off the top of my head."
    "Look me in the eye and tell me it's not Wheels from—"
    "Yeah, no, it's Wheels from Burger King Kids Club. Okay, fine. Thank you, detective." (Speechless, S01E20)
  • Rashida Jones playing Tracee Ellis Ross' sister (Black-ish, S03E21)
  • "Southern Cal is the best school in the country, baby girl! Congratulations!"
    "Best school in the country? That's not even the best school in L.A." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "You're thinking about this going to college thing all wrong, son. You've got to make Zoey's education work for you. It's not about where she wants to go; it's about where you want to visit her." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "Hey! I'm walkin' here! We got the best pizza! Ahh, fuhgeddaboudit!"
    "Eyy! Lena Dunham's doing performance art down at the Brooklyn Academy of Music! Bada biiing!" (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "The only good thing to come out of Miami is an empty bus." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "You're the goddamn parking lot king of Minnesota." (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "Feminine hygiene deployed as a weapon?" (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "That's the last dime you're ever gonna see from the parking lot king of Minnesota." (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "The news now is pretty much anything that was on the internet yesterday." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "That ball cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery because it just got cattooed – Jim Brockmeower." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "Brockmire ASMR." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "Before we leave you, yet one more message from Stamps.com" (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "This is Ira Glass. He's the king dick of non-profit media." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "I can never unsee him naked."
    "I mean, the size of that thing."
    "Hollow that big bastard out, you could use it for an umbrella stand." (Archer, S04E08)
  • UCLA (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Even more blackface. Apparently, this is a thing that white children are into." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "You're not Rashida Jones bi-racial, you're Tracee Ellis Ross bi-racial. People think of you as black." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "He's literally Dap from School Daze, but darker, and you pass him up for Mackle-less?" (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Roland Martin was a mere two feet away, and we all know how he loves to blast people on Twitter. I'm still in therapy from the last time I was trending." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "I pledge allegiance to your cock." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Just because you got a black chick on your arm doesn't mean you get to Miley Cyrus our pain, a'ight?" (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Nigga, I should hit you for thinking that I would hit you." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "You have a framed picture of Reagan in your dorm room."
    "You have a framed picture of Stacey Dash in yours. What's your point?"
    "It's not Stacey Dash! It's Dionne! Nothing after Clueless matters." (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "You should come, drink some Windex." (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • ♫: "Redbone" (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "Pastiche threw a blackface party over the weekend."
    "Like, Zoe Saldana or Al Jolson?" (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "My girls and I are going to the Midsummer Night's Dream party."
    "Stop it. That thing where the freshman girls wander around outside waiting for a senior to date rape them?"
    "Waiting for a senior to kiss them. You're confusing it with the Taming of the Shrew party." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "Don't Assata Shakur me." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "I wanted an avant-garde look, like Solange. Something that says, 'I'm woke, but I'll also kick your ass in an elevator.'" (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "If you weren't legacy, you'd be a flight attendant on Spirit Airlines." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "Friends, in American popular culture, many black men seem obsessed with white girls. What is this about?"
    "Anal." (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "Ikumi, your new catch-all Asian friend." (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "You do realize all we do is complain about things. It is as though Americans would have no identity if not for their near-constant outrage. I know so much about what you don't like. What do you all like, eh?" (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "Yeah, we're friends, but suddenly I'm supposed to give you nigga dispensation?" (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • Directed by Barry Jenkins (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • Ménage à trois callback (Dear White People, S01E06)
  • Reggie feeding Sam ramen (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • "Pinocchio! That was my favourite movie growing up."
    "What was the Kenyan version? [clicks tongue]"
    "No, it was called My Ancestors Were Smart Enough Not to Get Captured." (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • You Must Remember This (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • Bonr (Dear White People, S01E08)
  • "What's up, my nig?! Yeah… That's, that's too much." (Dear White People, S01E08)
  • "We'll both go to Columbia, of course, because we have to live in New York, and NYU is a joke." (Dear White People, S01E09)
  • "I can't believe I gave up my hair for you." (Dear White People, S01E09)
  • Dear White People Season Grade: B-

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Leftovers
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


No wolf like the present

Previously on Adam Riff™:
Apropos of nothing, I re-scored Westworld's opening credits with The Weeknd's "Starboy."

Apropos of nothing, I re-scored The Wire's opening credits with Ed Sheeran's "Shape of You":

I can no longer hear the words "what's it like to" without thinking of Review.

I am a man, Kurt! I am no garbage!

We were staying in Paris

If we go down, then we go down together
They'll say you could do anything
They'll say that I was clever
If we go down, then we go down together
We'll get away with everything

I like to think that this song is about card counters in Vegas.

Let's show them we are bettors

Curly-Haired Slacker

[browsing celebrity guests for this year's Silicon Valley Comic Con]

Pam Grier? The dude who played Mr. McFeely on Mister Rogers' Neighborhood?

Comic cons have become county fairs for actors.

There was an Asian girl on Stranger Things?

Who ARE these people? And why would anyone want to meet them?


Magic! had a number one single and can't even headline live entertainment at a marijuana convention.

Canna-cons have quietly become comic cons for reggae and rap artists.

So long as canna-cons exist, Bob Marley's grandchildren will never want for anything.

Oh, 311 is headlining Cannabis Cup Nor-Cal. Come original!