This game has been as good as Justin Timberlake

"ALT 105.3 New Music Discovery: MISSIO – 'Everybody Gets High.'"


Once upon a time in a land far away
There lived a little boy and he drank all day
Friends called him stupid and his brothers called him gay
Emptied all the bottles 'til the pain went away

Isn't this the same group behind that "middle fingers in the air" song?

Yup, same group.

I used to drink whiskey, now I'm stuck with Perrier
I'm an alcoholic, middle fingers in the air
I'm a starving artist nowhere close to millionaire
I prefer my Kia, middle fingers in the air

How old is this lyricist?


What was I doing when I was 26?

Previously on Adam Riff™ (March 2009):

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

5. Papa Poutine (Riverdale, S02E12)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Shameless Season Grade: D
  • Justin Forsett and Miesha Tate (Shark Tank, S09E20)
  • "You can't scrub it from the internet. Everything on the internet is permanent. It's digital herpes." (Crashing, S02E03)
  • "Of all the people in the world that you could've pissed off, Bill Burr is the worst. He's out there, he's, he's…MMA! He's involved with the MMA community! He's friends with Joe Rogan!" (Crashing, S02E03)
  • "And after the 11:00 news, it's The Late Show With David Letterman."
    "Louis, you can stay up and watch that old man and his piano gremlin, but I'm going to bed." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E14)
  • "He's having a panic attack! Breathe into your mother's knock-off purse." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E15)
  • "Why does he suddenly need to breathe into my authentic Chanel purse?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E15)
  • "Oh, no! He's having a panic attack! Who has a knock-off Chanel purse he can breathe into?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E15)
  • "How do you shower?" (Black Lightning, S01E03)
  • "Don't sexualize my name, please." (Baskets, S03E02)
  • "Never trust anyone with three names. James Earl Ray. John Wilkes Booth."
    "David Lee Roth." (Baskets, S03E02)
  • "On Law and Order, bartenders are always being evasive for no reason." (Baskets, S03E02)
  • "Could I compensate you for that information? I've got a couple of fives and some Certs." (Baskets, S03E02)
  • "What? He's a shepherd from the Basque region in Bakersfield?"
    "Yeah, there's a big Basque community here, and I met him outside the feed store." (Baskets, S03E02)
  • "Sorry, I got a carrot delivery." (Baskets, S03E02)
  • "What, you gotta pee al fresco or something?" (Baskets, S03E02)
  • "And this is a perfectly acceptable moonwalk!" (Speechless, S02E14)
  • "I'm Hyman – Cooper."
    "Hyman. Did that mean something different when you were born?"
    "Wait, you haven't heard of me? The pervert ghost of Brakebills?" (The Magicians, S03E04)
  • "Oh, Josh is my idol. That man is a vagician." (The Magicians, S03E04)
  • "Imagine the Patriot Act never existed." (Corporate, S01E04)
  • "You spend years fighting corporations and then finally you have to admit to yourself you love Southwestern Eggrolls." (Corporate, S01E04)
  • "The protest is now a pro-fest in Protest Fest, a four-day music festival celebrating protesting. Headliners include: Kanye West, Rage Against the Machine, and LCD Soundsystem, playing their final show on Friday and their reunion show on Saturday." (Corporate, S01E04)
  • "Anyway, I gotta go deejay the Devour mac and cheese rave." (Corporate, S01E04)
  • Post-murder ham (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E03)
  • "Anyway, I took a deep breath, told them I ate a Cheeto, and walked away." (The Good Place, S02E12)
  • Ted Danson tending bar (The Good Place, S02E12)
  • The Good Place Season Grade: B

(A.P. Bio, S01E01)

  • "Boston's not even a real city. It’s a college town with a fishing pier." (Saturday Night Live, S43E13)
  • Max Headroom (Altered Carbon, S01E05)
  • ♫: Sune Rose Wagner – "More Human Than Human" (Altered Carbon, S01E06)
  • "Do you remember when I almost got fired for saying I could see your areolas through your shirt?"
    "Vaguely." (Altered Carbon, S01E08)

(Altered Carbon, S01E10)

  • Altered Carbon Season Grade: B

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


Eleven-inch dong.

Previously on Adam Riff™ (April 2012):

Jon: The Beastie Boys' first three albums are the Star Wars: Episodes IV-VI of white rap — and their last three albums are Episodes I-III.
Kurt: What are Ill Communication and Hello Nasty then?
Jon: Indiana Jones films?

Did you know that Weezer has released 11 albums?

Weezer albums are like seasons of The Real World. I am intimately familiar with the first few and then…

Huh. No Atlanta season.

Birthright Israel is a not-for-profit organization that sponsors free ten-day heritage trips to Israel for young adults of Jewish heritage, aged 18–32. Tours travel throughout the country to religious and cultural sites, including in Jerusalem, the Western Wall, and the Dead Sea.

The Mole is a reality television game show. Players must work together to complete various physical and mental challenges to build up a significant cash prize for the winner. One of them, however, is "the Mole," a double agent hired by the producers to sabotage the efforts of the group.

Idea: Birthright Israel Mole. Who on this trip to Israel is actually a gentile?

Sketch Idea: A Food Network show about a homophobic bakery.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

4. Easy Lover (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Wale (Crashing, S02E02)
  • "I know you're high. I'm Dr. Oz." (Crashing, S02E02)
  • "Hey, as a frequent flyer, I'm used to this plane being a capitalist hell state, but I'm swiping my credit card and my seat won't recline."
    "Oh, it looks like the guy behind you paid double to keep yours in the upright position." (LA to Vegas, S01E04)
  • "I'm losing track of this conversation. Let's everybody go around and say what we're angry about. So far, I've got cheating, gender labels, and roast beef." (LA to Vegas, S01E04)
  • "Okay, that's enough screen time for you." (LA to Vegas, S01E04)
  • "They've taken all the dignity out of flying. Judy Garland once said she had the best bowel movement of her life after eating a salmon mousse on a TWA flight to Paris." (LA to Vegas, S01E04)
  • In-flight flu shot (LA to Vegas, S01E04)
  • "No mansion has a mansion next door that looks exactly like it." (Alone Together, S01E03)
  • "There was lotion on my hands, and now this tastes like lotion."
    "Welcome to being a girl. I haven't tasted real fruit since I was 11." (Alone Together, S01E03)
  • "Our boat wants to fuck your boat, and we can't leave until he does." (The Magicians, S03E03)
  • "So, what? I just tell our boat to spread it for their boat and we're done?" (The Magicians, S03E04)
  • "So these pirates are asking us to let our boat get raped?" (The Magicians, S03E04)
  • "Before this, I used to think that pirates were kinda cute in a Johnny Depp sort of way, but the fact is, the real thing is kinda dirty and fucked up…in a Johnny Depp sort of way." (The Magicians, S03E04)
  • Aimee Mann (Corporate, S01E03)
  • "In the words of one of my actual friends, ya basic. It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now." (The Good Place, S02E11)
  • "'Fair' is the stupidest word humans ever invented, except for 'staycation.'" (The Good Place, S02E11)
  • "Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must've made up." (The Good Place, S02E11)
  • "You know, I've done things that you would never have approved of. I died, dressed as someone in the service industry, I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto. That's right. Chewing it was deafening." (The Good Place, S02E11)
  • "And since it seems you love humans so much, I'll torture you like one. All you'll have for entertainment is that giant stack of New Yorker magazines." (The Good Place, S02E11)
  • Jim Rash and Nat Faxon (Great News, S02E13)

"Okay, but are you gonna sue them? Or them? Or— Okay, well, I guess not them." (Great News, S02E13)

  • Great News Season Grade: C
  • "Yahtzee ISIS queef." (Saturday Night Live, S43E12)

(Saturday Night Live, S43E12)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


I like hot sauce on my chicken

Whoa. A General Mills/Kellogg's collaboration? It's like the Who Framed Roger Rabbit of cereal.

Oh. No. It's just General Mills trying to trick consumers typographically.

Frosted Mini-Wheats too? General Mills is really coming for Kellogg's corner.


Fruity Cheerios already exist.

Rice Krispies Trix?

Rory: Cocoa Pops.
Rory: Puffs, Puffs, Pops.

The joys that framed my life

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Our favourite songs. One per year.

Time to update it.

Side A (curated by Jon)
1. Radiohead – "The National Anthem" [2000]
2. Finch – "What It Is to Burn (Demo)" [2001]
3. Spoon – "Stay Don't Go" [2002]
4. The Mars Volta – "Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt"
5. Ratatat – "Seventeen Years"
6. The Mountain Goats – "This Year"
7. DragonForce – "Through the Fire and Flames"
8. Frank Turner – "The Real Damage"
9. The Wonder Years – "You're Not Salinger. Get Over It."
10. So Many Dynamos – "New Bones"
11. Jamie Lidell – "Your Sweet Boom"
12. M83 – "Midnight City"
13. Jai Paul – "Jasmine (Demo)"
14. CHVRCHES – "The Mother We Share"
15. CFO$ – "Worlds Apart"
16. Oneohtrix Point Never – "No Good" [2015]
17. Kanye West – "Ultralight Beam" [2016]
18. GoldLink – "Crew (feat. Brent Faiyaz and Shy Glizzy)" [2017]

Jon: "Crew" is so good that its radio edit is longer than the original. This song is what I imagine mixing uppers and downers sounds like.

I kinda want to change track 7 [2006] to My Chemical Romance – "Welcome to the Black Parade." The second half of "Through the Fire and Flames," though…

And perhaps track 8 [2007] should be Against Me! – "Thrash Unreal." [grumbling]

Side B (curated by Ben)
1. Outkast – "B.O.B." [2000]
2. Gob – "I Hear You Calling" [2001]
3. Justin Timberlake – "Cry Me a River" [2002]
4. The White Stripes – "Seven Nation Army"
5. Franz Ferdinand – "Take Me Out"
6. R. Kelly – "Trapped in the Closet"
7. TV on the Radio – "Wolf Like Me"
8. UGK – "Int'l Players Anthem (I Choose You) [feat. Outkast]"
9. MGMT – "Time to Pretend"
10. Passion Pit – "The Reeling"
11. LCD Soundsystem – "Dance Yrself Clean"
12. M83 – "Midnight City"
13. Bruno Mars – "Locked Out of Heaven"
14. Daft Punk – "Get Lucky (feat. Pharrell Williams)"
15. Duke Dumont – "I Got You (feat. Jax Jones)"
16. Major Lazer × DJ Snake – "Lean On (feat. MØ)" [2015]
17. G.L.O.S.S. – "Give Violence a Chance" [2016]
18. Kendrick Lamar – "DNA." [2017]

Ben: I distinctly remember Kenny's album dropping at midnight and knowing I had to wait two hours to hear it (I was DJing). When I heard the opening of "DNA." blasting out of my car speakers, I nearly crashed out of excitement. No part of any song last year gave me the chills that you get from the tempo change about 1:50 into the song.

New for 2018:

Bonus Disc (curated by Adam Robot)
1. Snapcase – "Typecast Modulator" [2000]
2. Rival Schools – "Travel by Telephone" [2001]
3. City of Caterpillar – "And You're Wondering How a Top Floor Could Replace Heaven" [2002]
4. Every Time I Die – "Ebolarama"
5. Codeseven – "All the Best Dreams"
6. Comeback Kid – "Wake the Dead"
7. Jesu – "Silver"
8. Rob Crow – "Up"
9. Russian Circles – "Campaign"
10. Coalesce – "Wild Ox Moan"
11. Deftones – "Rocket Skates"
12. Touché Amoré – "Home Away from Here"
13. Torche – "Kicking"
14. Coliseum – "Fuzzbang"
15. Violent Soho – "Covered in Chrome"
16. Baroness – "Chlorine and Wine"" [2015]
17. Joyce Manor – "Last You Heard of Me" [2016]
18. Charly Bliss – "Westermarck" [2017]

Adam Robot: "Westermarck" is a twee power-pop song with lead singer Eva Hendricks sounding like she's about to shrink through the entire track. There's nothing complicated going on, it's an earworm with borderline nonsense lyrics that's hooky as hell, and it helped me forget 2017 was a living nightmare.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

3. Cooking Food with Your Mouth (Desus and Mero, 01-16-18)

Stray Observations

  • "I am gonna cook for you every day, and dinner too, and then blow jobs for dessert." (Shameless, S08E10)
  • "What's the status report? Still digging?"
    "Like a nizzle pizzy in a dizzle stizzy."
    "A nose-picker in a dust storm." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E10)
  • "I'm being lectured by a pile of cookie dough over here." (Crashing, S02E01)
  • "Now your dog doesn't have to be just a dog. He can be a turducken of cute." (Shark Tank, S09E17)
  • Curb stomp back (WWE Raw, 01-15-18)
  • "Marvin, call the store! The diamonds got corroded!"
    "It's not corroded. It's chocolate!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E13)
  • "Wait, is this a male Terry or a female Terry?"
    "Male Terry."
    "Those are the worst kind of Terrys." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E13)
  • "Aah! My Keroppi!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E13)
  • "Goodbye, Yale. Hello, Georgia Tech." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E13)
  • "Bow, I spent my whole life understanding 'white stuff.' Do you think I want to know the names of the members of Phish?" (Black-ish, S04E12)
  • Dermot Mulroney (LA to Vegas, S01E03)
  • "When you're a guy stuck moving armoires alone, you get to be selfish." (LA to Vegas, S01E03)
  • "My giraffe is slippery!" (LA to Vegas, S01E03)
  • "You know what this is?"
    "It's a boiler room."
    "What's that?
    "Like the movie."
    "I haven't seen it."
    "Really? These shady finance bros who trick people into making bad investments and then they steal all their money and spend it on Quaaludes."
    "Ah, like frickin' Wolf of Wall Street."
    "Didn't even see it. Nah. Didn't look interesting to me." (The Mick, S02E12)

(9-1-1, S01E03)

  • "Sorry, officer. Our…friend's cat was sick and…exploded. You know, like they do." (The Magicians, S03E02)
  • "We'll see who has a small penis once I have my hurricane machine." (Corporate, S01E01)
  • "I think if I was in the mafia, I would just be the guy who stayed home and made spaghetti." (Corporate, S01E01)

(Corporate, S01E01)

  • "I majored in English and that should be illegal." (Corporate, S01E02)
  • "I'll have the…sheep labia?"
    "Excellent choice."
    "You're gonna love that."
    "It tastes just like chicken, except it's the genitals of another animal." (Corporate, S01E02)
  • "I'm luggage!" (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "Jeez Louise! Looks like Chidi has a real case of the Mondays, am I right? Hey, pass the NASCAR ketchup." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "Pirates of the Caribbean 6: The Haunted Crow's Nest or Something, Who Gives a Crap. Now playing everywhere FOREVER." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "First person to call Ultimate Frisbee 'ultimate.'" (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "Axe up."
    "Oh! New scent! Transformers."
    "Yes. It makes you smell the way Transformers movies make you feel." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "I'm gonna get me a tall glass of piping hot corn syrup." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "Hors d'oeuvre?"
    "Oh, what do you got?"
    "Soul food from Maine, bagels from Arkansas, Hawaiian pizza, of course, and egg salad from a hospital vending machine in Azerbaijan." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "Damn, you're good at this."
    "Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough and you become pretty good at lying. Like, 'Nooo, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all!'" (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "We need to find Michael, and we need to be discreet. You, cover children's dance recitals through holiday weekend IKEA." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "We're all getting laid off? Oh, God. I just spent $7,000 on a high-tech tomato garden. Wait, what's a high-tech tomato garden? Damn. Swindled again." (Great News, S02E12)
  • "It's not that complicated. You know what is complicated? Prison reform. All math. My feelings on Channing Tatum – is he hot or is he Sloth from Goonies?" (Great News, S02E12)
  • Henry Rollins, Krist Novaselic, and Brendan Canty (Portlandia, S08E01)
  • Mikey Day's Pitbull impersonation (Saturday Night Live, S43E11)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


The Defiant One

Previously on Adam Riff™: Adam Riff™'s 2017 retrospective festivities conclude with a triptych of lump audio sums.

Finally: BC-17, curated by DJ BENNY C, hence the title.

As it is a single track, here is a road map:

Lil Uzi Vert – "XO TOUR Llif3"
Charli XCX – "Boys (Nevada Remix)"
Marshmello – "Silence (feat. Khalid)"
Kendrick Lamar – "DNA."
Portugal. The Man – "Feel It Still (Gryffin Remix)"
BLOXX – "You"
Farruko, Nicki Minaj, and Bad Bunny – "Krippy Kush (Remix) [feat. 21 Savage and Rvssian]"
A$AP Ferg – "Plain Jane"
French Montana – "Unforgettable (feat. Swae Lee)"
Offset and Metro Boomin – "Ric Flair Drip"
Vince Staples – "Big Fish"
Ed Sheeran – "Shape of You (MAKJ Remix)"
Joey Bada$$ – "FOR MY PEOPLE"
WALK THE MOON – "One Foot"
Captain Cuts – "Love Like We Used To (feat. Nateur)"
VHS Collection – "Waiting on the Summer (Dave Edwards Remix)"
Calvin Harris – "Slide (feat. Frank Ocean and Migos)"
Spoon – "Hot Thoughts"
Kesha – "Woman (feat. The Dap-Kings Horns)"
The Knocks and Captain Cuts – "House Party"
MK – "17"
Kiiara – "Whippin (feat. Felix Snow) [Denis First and Reznikov Remix]"
CamelPhat and Elderbrook – "Cola"
AREA21 – "We Did It"
Big Boi – "Kill Jill (feat. Killer Mike and Jeezy)"
Cardi B – "Bodak Yellow"
Capital Cities – "Swimming Pool Summer"
Parcels – "Overnight (Denis First Remix)"
Midnight Mystery Club – "True Love"
Neck Deep – "In Bloom"

  1. BC-17 DJ BENNY C 53:35