The ceiling is the roof

// Las Vegas, NV

I saw this on my flight to Vegas:

He'd been unable to find a Taiwanese barbecue sauce near Burbank? Has he never heard of the San Gabriel Valley – or the internet?

"Maybe they'll have it in a city that's 3.2% Asian!"

I saw this while flipping through "the luxury lifestyle magazine of the Venetian and the Palazzo":

Sheldon Adelson straight jacked a Vegas competitor.

Caesars Entertainment gotta build Venice Atlantic City in response.

Trivia Question Idea: How many replicas of the Eiffel Tower/Statue of Liberty exist?

The Palazzo has neither a fourth floor nor a 13th floor – nor a 14th floor that's actually the 13th floor.

I'll be in Vegas for the second night of the Pac-12 Tournament, and I'm considering purchasing tickets to see my UCLA Bruins.

For some reason, I can't access SeatGeek via my hotel's wi-fi.

I can access SeatGeek via my mobile's LTE, and I can access StubHub via my hotel's wi-fi, but I can't access SeatGeek via my hotel's wi-fi.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

10. Oliver (Legion, S01E04)

Honourable Mention

  • Tandem fight (Legion, S01E04)
  • Entourage opening credits (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E05)

Stray Observations

  • "I'm not lawful, neutral, or chaotic – none of the above." (The Walking Dead, S07E11)
  • "A man without faith is dangerous." (24: Legacy, S01E05)
  • Norman in full Norma drag (Bates Motel, S05E02)
  • "You look really good in that dress, by the way."
    "Thanks. It's breezy on my vagina." (The Mick, S01E11)
  • "The world is a dangerous place. Nobody's safe. It does not take a little boy in a dress to molest your daughter. I use the girls' room. I could easily molest her anytime I want." (The Mick, S01E11)
  • "Purple horseshoe?! Is this some kind of a political thing?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "Why would she put dirty plates in the drying rack?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "If you weren't stealing, then why was this tucked into your waistband?"
    "Because my pockets were full of Runts candy."
    "Okay, let's see this candy."
    "I ate it on the way over here. That's what they're for. They're my traveling Runts."
    "You even ate the bananas. Yeah, right." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "I took the fall for him. I mean, what's another papaya on my rap sheet?"
    "You mean you sat and watched me eat your Irish elf cereal just so your little brother wouldn't get into trouble?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "Eddie, there's something called a 'white lie,' and that is a lie that protects you from all the things that make white people soft." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "You are simply somebody's meat, boy." (Taboo, S01E08)
  • "I thought the gunpowder was for the Americans."
    "We are Americans." (Taboo, S01E08)
  • Taboo Season Grade: C+
  • "These are all the suits I wore back in the Motown days. This one, Motown 25. This one, Tom Green pranked me in. Made me eat goo." (Detroiters, S01E04)

(Detroiters, S01E04)

  • "I need you to make me a sign."
    "I won't make a sign with the words 'dick,' 'pussy,' or 'shit.'"
    "Wait a minute. What if my name was 'Dick Pussy'?"
    "Is your name 'Dick Pussy'?"
    "For the sake of this argument, yes, it is!"
    "Okay… Well, I'll make whatever sign you like, Mr. Pussy." (Detroiters, S01E04)
  • "Prince Ess." (The Magicians, S02E06)
  • "The prince speaks fluent Earth. Rumour has it his mother is from, uhh, Cincinnaahhti." (The Magicians, S02E06)

(The Magicians, S02E06)

  • "I think this girl's down to grind Eric Nies-style."
    "Yeah, no, she definitely wants to grind Eric Nies-style-y, but that vibe she's throwing towards me."
    "Guys, welcome to the real world, season one, okay? If anybody's gonna be grinding Eric Nies-style-y, it's gonna Heather be me." (Workaholics, S07E08)
  • Rosencricket and Guildenstern Are Dead (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E09)
  • Eric Andre as The Joker (Man Seeking Woman, S03E09)
  • ♫: ZZ Ward – "OverdoZZe (feat. Pell)" (Riverdale, S01E06)
  • Top Chef Season Grade: C
  • Christine hailing a taxi (Baskets, S02E07)
  • Adrian Grenier (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E05)
  • Emilio Estevez (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E05)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


There aren't any more guns in the valley


Skip Bayless
Chris Broussard
Colin Cowherd
Clay Travis
Jason Whitlock
Nick Wright
Doug Gottlieb

FS1's on-air talent is the Trump's Cabinet of sports television.

When is Will Cain's contract with ESPN up?

And with that…


Man: Who are you?
Female Spy: Percocets, Molly Percocets.

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I've been brainstorming food items for the pub that Chris Castle and I plan to open in Seattle.

Idea: Seven-Layer Dip Sushi Roll – features all seven ingredients in a seven-layer dip.

Idea: Is a Sandwich a Hot Dog? – grind up a sandwich and stuff it in a sausage casing.

Get Out

Previously on Adam Riff™ (July 2015):

In less than a year, I have moved someone else from New York City to San Francisco, and then from San Francisco to Los Angeles, packing and unpacking all of his stuff by myself.

[New York to] San Francisco was Murphy's Law run amok.

Back from Los Angeles after moving [redacted] for the fourth time in two-and-a-half years.

For San Francisco to Los Angeles in June 2015, I only had one day to pack everything in his three-floor loft by myself.

Seven months later, [redacted] wanted to move from his three-floor loft in Los Angeles to a penthouse two floors up in the same building.

One year later, I moved everything in his penthouse into storage because he wanted to move out of his building, but isn't sure where he wants to move next. His lawyers are advising him to move to San Francisco.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

9. Don't tell mom the babysitter's Quinn (Homeland, S06E05)

Honourable Mention

  • Alex Jones (Homeland, S06E05)
  • CMFB! (Club for My Friend's Band) (Portlandia, S07E08)
  • Daredevil opening credits (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)
  • Filming during and disrupting an actual IMAX premiere screening of The Force Awakens (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)
  • Daredevil fight (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)

Stray Observations

  • Tina eating cat food (Bob's Burgers, S07E10)
  • Punch from a soap dispenser (Son of Zorn, S01E13)
  • Son of Zorn Season Grade: C

(The Walking Dead, S07E10)

  • Lauren Lapkus' left boob (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "Why is my hand towel on your dick?" (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "He's a really talented artist."
    "Oh, I'm sure he's great. They give all the master artists third grade. What's your fuckin' medium? Hand turkeys? Paste noodles?" (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "Is that the Parthenon?"
    "He's Greek."
    "You're leaving me for a guy that has the fuckin' Parthenon on his back?" (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "Damn. You got unexpected crackhead strength, Kevin."
    "Don't judge me. You don't know where my regular strength ends and my crackhead strength begins." (Superior Donuts, S01E04)
  • "Be careful."
    "Yes, you have your whole…a couple of years ahead of you." (Superior Donuts, S01E04)
  • "Okay, mother, I'm just coming." (Bates Motel, S05E01)
  • "I know everything about you – what scares you, what you want, what you Google." (Bates Motel, S05E01)
  • ♫: Etta James – "At Last" (Bates Motel, S05E01)
  • "September 26, 1983. Bob Forsch, he pitched a no-hitter against the Expos. That was the last day I saw my father. He went to get a hot dog during the seventh inning stretch and he just…never came back."
    "He walked out from a no-hitter?" (The Mick, S01E10)
  • "What kind of rational man believes in justice?" (Taboo, S01E07)
  • Rough golf course (Taboo, S01E07)
  • "I have a use for you." (Taboo, S01E07)
  • "It's a PANDORA bracelet. This one's a heart, you know, for obvious reasons. This one's an owl, because you finished college. And this one's a soccer ball, because it's rad." (Detroiters, S01E03)

(Detroiters, S01E03)

  • "My king, I have the best news."
    "If that rabbit was a prosecco, I'd agree." (The Magicians, S02E05)
  • "Really? Live Free or Die Hard is your favourite Die Hard?" (Black-ish, S03E16)
  • "Everyone, this has been a long day. Why don't we just go sleep on it, and we'll vote first thing in the morning? Scandal is on tonight. Let the kid watch one more Scandal." (Black-ish, S03E16)
  • Coffee maker (Legion, S01E03)
  • "I bought poop on the dark web and stuffed it up my butt to lose weight." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "You're the honey that the bee makes / You're the sugar on the pound…carrot." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "You make life sweet, Dee / You make life sweet for…I…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "How did you know that I wanted an RPG?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "Awww, there's no rocket! They forgot to put the rocket in there! Dude, I'm so sorry!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "Son, what's this mom's religion?"
    "She's Jewish."
    "Back it up, people!" (Man Seeking Woman, S03E08)
  • "The acceptance of a racist grandfather is still my white whale." (Powerless, S01E04)
  • "He's just a low-level henchman. I dated one in college. It's basically like dating a bass player."
    "Maybe you're right. I mean, it is probably just a fling. It'll flame out or he'll die."
    "Just like dating a bass player." (Powerless, S01E04)
  • Friday Night Lights much? (Riverdale, S01E05)
  • "I cut open my cheese. It's not cheese. It's a tamale." (Top Chef, S14E13)
  • "I'm on the moon. I'm fishing." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)
  • "You wanna go to Hooters and get some soup?" (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "That's gonna have to be a rain check on the Hooters soup." (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "I got mixed up with some squatter types. Their leader was a drug-addled flautist." (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "So what's next?"
    "Well, how do you feel about taking a shift in the dunk tank?"
    "You said 'shift,' right?" (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "Martha Brooks. I googled her. Nothing came up."
    "Yeah, that's her." (Baskets, S02E06)

(Baskets, S02E06)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Young Pope
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Entry Level Adult

Did you know that Paramount Pictures only netted $25 million in 2015 and didn't net ANY money in 2016?

After recording a $25 million profit for 2015, the company's Paramount Pictures unit last year remained at the bottom of the rankings by posting its first calendar-year loss ($364 million) since THR began its annual calculations. The drop is even steeper if one includes a $115 million impairment charge for Monster Trucks.

MVP (Most Valuable Partner), the latest Shark Tank rip-off, features Rob Gronkowski, Kevin Durant, Terrell Owens, and Antonio Brown as sharks.

Shark Tank Rip-Off Idea: College interviews with a panel of five alumni. Interviewees seek more "You're in"s than "I'm out"s.

Shark Tank Rip-Off Idea: Hollywood bidding wars over rights, screenplays, independent films, et cetera.

Kevin Smith:

I've pitched a #Mallrats sequel series to 6 different networks only to find no takers thus far.

They must have all seen Yoga Hosers, because why else would no one throw money at Kevin Smith when seemingly every IP with brand recognition is being revived?