Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

19. The Guy From Jeff's Gym (Community, S06E09)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "She does her BM in the PM." (Bob's Burgers, S05E18)
  • "Please limit your alerts to Roy G. Biv." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • "I can't make a woman's choice for her. I stand with Wendy! Did I do that right?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • "Terry loves lavender." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • Lancel engraving his forehead (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
  • "You know nothing, Jon Snow." (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
  • "Carol's a real special lady."
    "Hey. You're a real special lady." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
  • "You are a toilet paper corn dog." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
  • The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: B-
  • "Miller Beer is coming in tomorrow for handshakes on their new idea – diet beer."
    "For ladies?" (Mad Men, S07E12)

"It's an octopus pleasuring a lady." (Mad Men, S07E12)

(Mad Men, S07E12)

  • "I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of Fage yogurt by me. Look at this. The angle's all wrong."
    "Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt?"
    "How would you know that? Have you been eating my Fage yogurts?" (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
  • "I've disrupted fatherhood." (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
  • Abu Nazir! (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Man up, Gary, or at least lady down a bit." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Why in the name of pixelated fuck would you do that?" (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Fine. Inject him with the happy cupcake virus." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Dead kids baked in the cupcakes." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "We're engaged."
    "No, you're not."
    "Yes, we are."
    "I'm 48!" (Veep, S04E04)
  • "I heard that she's supposed to have the worst of the STDs."
    "No way. A baby?" (China, IL, S03E05)
  • "Dude, get your molesterol checked." (China, IL, S03E05)
  • "A knife is a good friend when you have no other." (Gotham, S01E22)
  • Gotham Season Grade: D+
  • ♫: The Head and the Heart – "Rivers and Roads" (New Girl, S04E22)
  • New Girl Season Grade: D
  • "Do Irish tears not sparkle?" (Modern Family, S06E22)
  • "I'm sorry if they don't talk that way in Lightskinsylvania." (Black-ish, S01E22)
  • "I was a LUG – lesbian until graduation." (Black-ish, S01E22)
  • "Crazy Glazy." (Louie, S05E05)

(Louie, S05E05)

  • ♫: "Diarrhea Song" (Louie, S05E05)
  • "Attention, staff. Bob Odenkirk played a lawyer on Breaking Bad. That is Saul." (Childrens Hospital, S06E08)
  • Jimmy/Steve! (Orphan Black, S03E04)
  • Home video of Kenan = D2: The Mighty Ducks (Saturday Night Live, S40E20)
  • "If you want to fight Floyd Mayweather more than once, you have to date him." (Saturday Night Live, S40E20)


Mujibur and Sirajul

THE LOBSTER is the English language debut of Yorgos Lanthimos (Dogtooth).

In the near future, single people, according to the rules of The City, are arrested and transferred to The Hotel. There they are obliged to find a matching mate in 45 days. If they fail, they are transformed into an animal of their choosing and released into The Woods. A desperate Man escapes from The Hotel to The Woods where The Loners live and falls in love, although it is against their rules.

Adding it to the list. Hoping Lanthimos rebounds from Alps.

2015 films I must see:
1. The Wolfpack
2. Prince
3. Doglegs
4. Partisan
5. The Lobster

Tom is acting crazy about balls

My nine-year-old nephew discovered Magic: The Gathering this year.

While driving him home from school one day, I note that I played Magic when it debuted [true] and [because I like fucking with people] that I had a Black Lotus.

He doesn't know what a Black Lotus is, and just begins quizzing me about Magic.

"How do you a tap a card?"
"Turn it sideways."

"What are the five card colours?"
"Uhh… Red, green, blue, black, and…pink."
"Wrong! Pink is not a colour."
"Pink was one of the original colours."

"What does a Mountain card do?"
"I…don't know."
"Did you really play Magic?"
"Yes, but it's been over 20 years since I last played!"

And I only played it briefly, before foolishly getting in on the ground floor of Jyhad.

The next time I drove my nephew home from school:

"Pink was never a Magic card colour! I looked it up."


He then asks me if he can have my Black Lotus, which I assume he also looked up.

"Uhh… Maybe for your birthday," which is in November. "And only if I can find it. It's somewhere in storage."

Two months pass without any more Black Lotus talk, when this week:

"Do you really have a Black Lotus?"
"Can I have it? A Black Lotus is only worth two cents nowadays."
"I told you. Maybe for your birthday."
"Well, can I at least see your Black Lotus before then to verify that you have one?"
"If I have time to trek to storage and find it."
"Where's storage?"
"Southern California."

"All right, I'll show it to you in July."
"No! I'll be in Taiwan then. [he spends summers in Taiwan with his maternal grandparents] I want to see it by the end of May. And if you don't show it to me by then, you have to give me five dollars."
"And for every month after May that passes without me having seen your Black Lotus, you have to—"
"I'm not paying you interest on failing to show you a Magic card!"

"Why don't I just give you two cents to buy a Black Lotus?"
"There's also tax and shipping…"
"Okay, I'll give you five dollars and two cents – but not until your birthday."

Later that day, I figure that if a Black Lotus is only worth two cents nowadays, I should just buy one and pass it off as my own.

I check eBay.


Lil' fucker lied to me.

Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break

Every time I see this, I think, "What is a back pitch?"

While I have learned to live with missing or misused apostrophes, missing commas will forever bother me. They are kinda imperative:

Oxford commas more so:

Why are Pitch Perfect 2 and Rihanna not cross-promoting? You know, "Pitch Better Have My Money."

"Pitch Gonna Laugh So Funny"?

Vance Joy's "Riptide" won the 2014 International Songwriting Competition.

The panel of judges included: Avicii, Newsboys, Jon Secada, The Chainsmokers, Béla Fleck, DMC of Run-DMC, and the general manager of Zanies Comedy Club.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

18. Black Widow: Age of Me (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Gene Belcher – "I Don't Need Music" (Bob's Burgers, S05E17)
  • Holt's multi-step reaction to the pregnancy news (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E20)
  • "Jake, I get it. Philly sucks." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E20)
  • "Greenwich, Connecticut is built on divorced money!" (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • Lou working for Tatsunoko (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • "You should know that his clan took advantage of the gift of hospitality and murdered my ancestors while they slept."
    "The king ordered it!" (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • Limp Bizkit – "Nookie" (Silicon Valley, S02E03)
  • Russ Hanneman = Mark Cuban? (Silicon Valley, S02E03)
  • "Fuck the light show?!" (Veep, S04E03)
  • "Screwed over by The Police. I'm Rodney fuckin' King." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "#everylittlethingshedoesistragic." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "I see splashes of myself in her. I now regret that phrase." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "Ma'am, cheese is on its way. Here's an interim banana." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "You were firing me?" (Veep, S04E03)

(China, IL, S03E04)

  • "And then I turned around, and like a vampire, I shot into space so goddamn fast. It's like a motherfuckin' piece of god sperm waiting to hit a rock and start life." (China, IL, S03E04)
  • "The night we met, I was going to kill you." (Gotham, S01E21)
  • Brothel broth-lol (Gotham, S01E21)
  • Randall Park (Community, S06E08)
  • "I like my sun on the right and my ocean on the left." (New Girl, S04E21)
  • "You need to learn how to stand up for yourself."
    "Do you know how easy that it is for you to say?"
    "No, no, nothing in English is easy for me to say." (Modern Family, S06E21)
  • "Loosey-goosey parenting like that is what made things like James Franco." (Black-ish, S01E21)
  • Sinbad as Neil deGrasse Tyson (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E15)
  • Pound Sign Battle (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E15)
  • Constance Wu (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)
  • "I just farted some coffee." (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)

(Childrens Hospital, S06E07)

  • Weird Al (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)
  • "We should have been drug dealers years ago." (Orphan Black, S03E03)
  • "In the field, there are only two types of prisoners: assets and liabilities. Be an asset, Willard." (Orphan Black, S03E03)
  • RT: With Aidy Bryant as Manny Pacquiao and Jay Pharoah as Manny Machado, "SNL" was determined to show its diversity is a work-in-progress. (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)
  • Wiz Khalifa is hella skinny (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)
  • "It was reported that students in a school district in Tennessee were served meat that was six years old, which raises the question, 'Where's Tyler?'" (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)


Thought I was a spaceman digging out my heart

While driving my eight-year-old niece to Chinese school today, she asked me what my favourite film is. "Texas Chainsaw?"

"Heh. No. You've seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?!"
"No. Is it set on a train?"
"No, you're thinking of Under Siege 2."

I run outside every day, a 90-minute route around my neighbourhood, and sometimes I have to run past this little boy playing outside, who, whenever he sees me, stops whatever he's doing to chase after me and punch my butt.

I don't know why I elicit such a response from him, and while I don't mind playing along — "Ahh! You got me!" — I am subject to him inexplicably chasing after me and punching my butt up to six times during a run – six undodgeable red shells. I have re-routed runs on the fly to avoid dealing with him again.

And the kids he plays outside with, among which are two teenagers, don't react at all to his behaviour.

Blow steam in the face of the beast


While driving my eight-year-old niece to Chinese school today, she began singing a song about poo poo that transitioned into her spewing expletives and giggling.

Despite being an incorrigible cusser, I was taken aback.

Something about expletives coming out of a pre-teen's mouth has always scandalised me. As a 12-year-old, it shocked me to hear fellow 12-year-old Frank say "shit" at the beginning of the film Milk Money, never mind that the first film I ever saw was RoboCop, which was rated X 11 times before receiving an R.

I wish I could remember when I crossed the threshold from "oooh, he said a bad word" to "eh, fuck it." For all the hand-wringing in America over language, "began openly cussing" is not a life milestone that we consciously pass.


"Mike, Killer"

On the White House Correspondents' Association dinner:

1. Imagine the comedy routines of Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, or Scott Walker.

2. I'm surprised that Ellen has never hosted.

3. John Oliver is totally hosting next year.

4. Richard Pryor hosted in 1968, a month after Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act.

5. Who hosts nearer in the future: A black comedian or Jeff Ross?

There is eclectic, and then there is this: