"I was talking to Rosa about her 'dinner' with her 'parents.'"
"I am having dinner with her parents."
"Okay, liar, what restaurant you going to?"
"I don't know. Some Italian place."
"Oh, Italian! Makes sense, Pinocchio! …He's a liar, too. And Italian. …I over-explained it." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
"I'm gonna vape you like my e-cig." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
"I got John McClaned." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
RT: "Apparently the black guy quota on Walking Dead is set at a hard 2" (The Walking Dead, S05E09)
"What'll it take to buy me some time?"
"More than an A cup, baby." (Shameless, S05E05)
Nebraska, in black and white, like Nebraska, which stars Bob Odenkirk (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
"Cucumber water for customer only." (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
Chekhov's bin dent (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
Chef Ben's tattooed head (Cutthroat Kitchen, S06E06)
Chef Jackie bidding all her money (Cutthroat Kitchen, S06E06)
"Are you punking my abuelita?" (Better Call Saul, S01E02)
"Walter's not wearing Jordans either."
"He doesn't need to. He's black. That's like built-in Jordans." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
"And there's a point system, and then something happens with the clock, and then the winner drinks milk." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
"Water doesn't project success. Capri Sun does." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
"Go on, girl. Taste the rainbow." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
"This is not a duet." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
"Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie." (Parks and Recreation, S07E08)
"She designed her own major – Halloween studies." (Parks and Recreation, S07E08)
"I'm MC Hammer." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)
["Lightning Crashes" by Live]
"This woman's terrible." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)
"Miata Queens of Orlando." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)
MRAs – ha (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
"50 Shaved Old Gays." (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
"Men's rights is nothing." (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
"Which one of you is Janet Novoselic?"
"Agents Grohl and Cobain." (Supernatural, S10E13)
"How much you want to bet that she and Mr. Hutchins didn't die peacefully in their sleep?"
"Oh, but it's such a nice thought. It's how I want to go. I'm kidding. I want Sigourney Weaver to choke me out with her thighs." (Justified, S06E04)
"I need a real producer – Hit-Boy, Timbaland." (Empire, S01E06)
RT: "Dead at Raven-Symone's name being Olivia, dead at her sleeping with a gay man and her real life gf is on the show" (Empire, S01E06)
"Told my wife her naan is not as puffy as my mom's." (Black-ish, S01E13)
"Gay dudes are like hot chicks. They only part with each other." (Workaholics, S05E05)
"They're gonna be getting their cream pies from us." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E05)
"Asians know electronics, and fish, but Americans know cream pies." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E05)
"Gaylord. I could not have been more wrong on that one. You're clearly some kind of straightlord." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E05)
"Josh, you're being a huge asshole."
"No, Tanaka, sorry, it's a figure of speech."
[sad Tanaka] (Man Seeking Woman, S01E05)
Top Chef: Boston Season Grade: D
"Okay, here we go, so we have, ugh, tequila and coffee liqueur. All right, so, we can make, I guess this will be a…Black Mexican?" (Archer, S06E06)
"Uhh, hey, dick, I happen to be Pakistani." (Archer, S06E06)
"Canadian down low." (Archer, S06E06)
"We can't move you tonight. We're about to kiss Sister Sister." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E05)
Guest starring James Adomian and the Broad City girls (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E05)
Moby the dick judge (King of the Nerds, S03E04)
Boobypack? (Shark Tank, S06E19)
"The original lyric was 'I do practice Santeria,' but the record label made them change it." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E06)
A sex scene set to Icelandic metal (Fortitude, S01E01)
Do any airlines still offer complimentary decks of playing cards?
I worry about the future of playing cards. They brought me so much joy, and, like, I'm not sure my nine-year-old nephew can even shuffle a deck of cards.
Playing cards > LEGOs.
101 MINECRAFT-THEMED YO MOMMA JOKES.
I remember inexplicably owning a book of 101 bug jokes as a lad and thinking, "When am I ever gonna need a joke about a bug, let alone a G-rated one?"
I remember reading a book of dirty jokes that contained an inordinate number of jokes about the enormity of Polish dudes' penises. The Polish man uses a Thermos as a condom – ha ha?
One of my classmates at the time was a Polish dude, and I couldn't look at him without thinking about how massive his dick must be.
I see that Viacom Media Networks finally removed the StumbleUpon share button from its video player.
21st Century Scavenger Hunt
• Someone who uses Foursquare
• Someone who uses Bing Maps
• Someone who uses a Surface as a laptop
• Someone who got a job via LinkedIn
• A popular male vlogger who isn't gay or white
6. The Shot (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E04 – a Television Episode of the Year nominee)
There is a huge chunk of the [episode] that is one take, no tricks. It begins with Charlie first escorting the inspector inside the bar and continuing all the way through to Charlie leading the inspector to the basement. [source]
"I never black out for a whole day unless I'm smoking crack." (Shameless, S05E04)
ER – heh (Shameless, S05E04)
"Don't cry, Ginuwine, it's okay." (Parks and Recreation, S07E07)
"Just yesterday, I learned that the Pearl Jam album Vitalogy was written about you." (Parks and Recreation, S07E07)
"That omelette was so delicious!" (New Girl, S04E14)
"We wrote the check out to Cece."
"We do not know your full name." (New Girl, S04E14)
"Can you please tell my investment here that she can't make any money with art history?"
"That's not true. Last year, I made almost $22,000, and my life is very hard."
"You see that? You should be studying to become a doctor. They make good money, they get respect. Paging Dr. …Cece." (New Girl, S04E14)
"That one over there, he's all creativity and ideas. And this one's all data and numbers."
"[snaps] Six." (New Girl, S04E14)
"This is a man who would wear sweatpants to his wedding."
"I now pronounce me comfortable." (New Girl, S04E14)
Sunset Overdrive (Justified, S06E03)
"You understand me, Earl? I'm gonna shoot your dick off." (Justified, S06E03)
"Why do all your shirts have black men on them?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
"Well, Evan is not going to school today. His fat friend J.J. give him string cheese and apparently he is lactose intolerant. His body is rejecting white culture, which make me kinda proud." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
"Hey, y'all. When my neck gets red, 'cause of my white skin is out in the yellow sun, I like to come here, to Cattleman's Ranch, where I can get comfortable among people of my own kind, maybe meet my wife, or my cousin, or my cousin wife, for an onion blossom for only $2.99." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
"We got all types of special effects, like Avatar and The Hobbit." (Empire, S01E05)
"Get out. You people always misbehave."
"What you mean by 'you people'? You black like me." (Empire, S01E05)
"When this video drop, it's gonna put Drake, Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole, and all them cats on notice." (Empire, S01E05)
"Can you afford any precious time, especially over a thot?" (Empire, S01E05)
"You still worrying about singles when I'm 'bout to be iconic." (Empire, S01E05)
"You took a three-hour nap yesterday."
"I was tired from the marathon."
"The Downton Abbey marathon?!"
"That family is exhausting." (Modern Family, S06E13)
"Enjoy your stick, white friends." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
"Look what my mom got me for my straight Cs." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
"Love you? My dad never said that. My family loved each other; we just didn't say it. We showed our love through criticism and micromanagement, so if you said 'love you,' you were probably hiding something." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
"Kinda like the band Everclear. I'm Art Alexis. He's Craig Montoya and Greg Eklund."
"Okay, let me be ever so clear about this: You are no Art Alexis."
"I'm totally Art Alexis." (Workaholics, S05E04)
Tony Kornheiser (The Americans, S03E02)
The Shockmaster (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E04)
"They gentrified his pet cemetery?" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E04)
"Parallelograms are a bitch." (King of the Nerds, S03E03)
"Myth and Match" – good Nerd-Off (King of the Nerds, S03E03)
"It's not poo poo."
"I don't think it's poo poo on a stick." (Shark Tank, S06E18)
Siobhan! (Banshee, S03E05)
"I think there's something at the bottom."
"That's where Drake started!" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
"Until the day you die."
"When is that, exactly?"
"It's about 25 days from now."
"Mm-hmm. Don't you want to know how you die?"
"I do, yeah."
"Oh, it's a rapidly…"
"No, no, no. It's just a man. He goes by 'Old Age.'" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
"Starsky with Hookers." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
Everyone corpsing during the Shiloh Huffington interview (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
I can't stop watching the man in the red shirt behind Bruno Mars.
The only ESPN network that you can watch at my gym is ESPNU, and I don't understand. Wouldn't a budget television package include just ESPN and not ESPNU? Normally, you pay more for ancillary networks.
You know how championship shirts/gear for sports championship losers is distributed to people in need in other countries? Do you think there are people in said countries who believe a bizarro history of American sports? Like, as far they know, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning have the same number of rings, the Red Sox are still cursed, and Butler won back-to-back March Madnesses.
"I don't like any type of music except country" – do people claim this?
Soon, Columbia House will be able to offer 10 CDs for 1¢ with no strings attached.
Instead of incarceration, we should figure out a way to cleanly induce permanent back pain as punishment for crimes. Lower back pain for misdemeanors, full back pain for lesser felonies.
"I'm still planning to get some retribution. I got her a parting gift."
"Tickets to Wicked?"
"In Boston. Have fun watching some chubby Chenoweth knock-off warble her way through 'Popular.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E14)
"When I was alone in her office, I changed her auto-correct. Now when she types 'Wunch,' it gets replaced with 'butt.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E14)
"We call him 'Carlilingus.'" (Shameless, S05E03)
"Do we get paid on the holiday?"
"No. None of the holidays. Not the tree one, the president one, the war one, and definitely not the one for the blacks." (Shameless, S05E03)
"You date-raped me."
"We were on a date?"
"No, Debbie, you statutory raped yourself. I could go to jail."
"I don't understand."
"Friends don't rape friends." (Shameless, S05E03)
"You lost your virginity?"
"Does it count if it's rape?" (Shameless, S05E03)
"Listen, Debs, a million guys would kill to be raped by you." (Shameless, S05E03)
"I hope you die in a puddle of diarrhea." (Shameless, S05E03)
Writing off characters like it's the UK Shameless (Shameless, S05E03)
"Wait, you're paying this butt brain?"
"My butt does have brains. They're called 'turds' and they're smarter than you." (Bob's Burgers, S05E10)
"Was Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?" (Parks and Recreation, S07E05)
"The only contract I've ever signed is my Mulligan's sSteakhouse club card, and even then I used a fake name – Les. Les Vegetables." (Parks and Recreation, S07E05)
"Paul Reiser salmon." (Parks and Recreation, S07E06)
"Just about hit me, now you're gonna sling foul utterances in my direction?" (Justified, S06E02)
"How do you know I was with a guy if you ain't been following me?"
"I'm not following you."
"Are you saying you ain't following me like you don't know what I'm saying, or are you just repeating this bullshit about you ain't been following me?"
"I'm not following you?" (Justified, S06E02)
"You know what I was thinking about today? The Franklin sandwich at Denver Biscuit Company." (Justified, S06E02)
"Jocks, they peak in high school, all right, but nerds, they become Skrillex." (Workaholics, S05E03)
"Hov, hangin' with Mr. Cooper, Asian girl laughing." (Workaholics, S05E03)
"I love eating sashimi, but I would rather eat sashi-you." (Workaholics, S05E03)
"Half-black equals full black, and that's not my rule, that's society's rule. That's why Drake could say the N word a million times and everyone's like, 'I love this song.'" (Workaholics, S05E03)
"She's obviously valuing both of her Filipino and black heritage equally. So if anything, she's a full-bodied 'pino noir." (Workaholics, S05E03)
Frusen Glädjé (The Americans, S03E01)
Kama Sutra (The Americans, S03E01)
Jake "The Snake" Roberts singing "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E03)