Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. Roadblock: Shamir's Testicles (The Amazing Race, S29E02)

Stray Observations

  • "I lost the year 1996 to schnapps. I still don't know what the Macarena is." (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "It's definitely not a him because it has babies."
    "Oh, a gay raccoon can't have babies?"
    "Oh, I dunno, I guess he could adopt or have a surrogate." (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "It has three black rings on its tail and its ear kinda has a notch in it."
    "A gauge? Has that reached the raccoon community?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "Oh, hey, I got you something too. Turn it upside down. Her clothes come off."
    "Wait, why would you think I'd be into this?"
    "Oh, I bought a white woman 'cause I just didn't want to assume…" (Making History, S01E05)
  • ♫: "Ants Marching" (Making History, S01E05)
  • "It appears we're dealing with a deaf, or, like, a Nell." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • "LaFontaines are notorious bullies." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • Hot tub sundae (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • "I'm bending over backwards for this kid, pulling out all the stops, but he's just acting like a real LaFontaine." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • The Walking Dead Season Grade: D-
  • "My Joan is faaar worse than your Joan." (Feud, S01E05)
  • "Hypocrisy is the tribute vice must pay to virtue." (Feud, S01E05)
  • "You don't have to use your own dick for dick pics. You just Google 'picture of dick.' Gotta make sure it looks enough like your dick, because you don't want your dick pic to write a check that your real dick can't cash. You want to see the dick I use? It might be able to work for both of us. I have an Indian friend who uses a picture of my actual dick."
    "I don't want to use your dick." (Crashing, S01E07)
  • Miranda Otto outrunning fire (24: Legacy, S01E10)
  • "I couldn't find your trash bin, so I threw it away in the toilet."
    "What'd you throw in the toilet?"
    "The, uhh, salami from the fridge."
    "I didn't flush it, so you're gonna have a bunch of salami floating around in your toilet bowl."
    "What?" (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "Children's literature just got a brand new daddy." (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "I published the entire Bitch Witch series: Bitch Witch Christmas, Bitch Witch Prom Night, and Bitch Witches of Rhode Island. (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "Wanna hear some music?"
    "Sure, yeah, that could be inspiring."
    [sings "Hot Cross Buns"] (New Girl, S06E22)
  • New Girl Season Grade: C
  • "It's like a sweatier, more violent Melrose Place."
    "Those are my only two criticisms of Melrose Place." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E18)
  • "Do you want to hear about Lotus 1-2-3?" (The Americans, S05E05)
  • Kevin Nash (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "Husky Boys: Chode style." (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "To our mouths and buttholes, may they never meet." (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "No, no no no no. Don't check a man's search history." (Speechless, S01E19)
  • "Ma'am, my name is Ahmad Rashad, and your hand is on my penis." (Black-ish, S03E20)
  • "Speak any German?"
    "You know, 'don't shoot,' 'I surrender,' 'Hitler's the tops,' stuff like that." (Archer, S08E01)
  • Wine for cats and dogs (Shark Tank, S08E20)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Pyrrhic Victory

Shit, it's April 6? I've celebrated it incorrectly this whole time? [grumbling]

Eight years ago TODAY, I launched The Agony of Defeat on a whim, and over 10,000 posts and a stint contributing to's Page 2 later, I'm throwing in the towel.

It began with CC Sabathia and ends with Masahiro Tanaka.

I persist on Tumblr at WankerCounty.

Cannibal hymns of the bourgeoisie

This is Coachella?

Five Victoria's Secret Angels will be hosting a private bash, complete with beauty stations. The event is over at 6 p.m., which gives guests plenty of time to hit the Polo Fields for Radiohead's performance.

Pool float maker Funboy, the celeb-favorite brand responsible for the Taylor Swift-approved inflatable swans, has partnered with Smashbox Cosmetics to host a pool party. Funboy has created a special collection of metallic lip floats in honor of Smashbox's new Metallic Lip Glosses.

Galore magazine and dating app Grindr have joined forces to bring festival goers Queens of the Desert, a daytime party with DJ sets by actress Taryn Manning (Orange Is the New Black) and Kylie Jenner's BFF Jordyn Woods.

Once again, Revolve will host the #RevolveFestival, a day party filled with brand activations, special guests and performances.

Dating and "social discovery" app Bumble has tapped Kendall and Kylie Jenner as the hosts of its Winter Bumbleland event. The two-day soiree is "Aspen Chic meets Desert Heat"-themed, complete with an ice bar, a glacier pool, a snow angel garden and winter tubing.

The American Express Platinum House will feature all the comforts of L.A. (think: Soul Cycle classes taught by founding senior instructor Stacey Griffith).

Day two of The Hyde Away will feature poolside DJ sets from Joe Jonas and Giorgio Moroder as well as food by Umami Burger.

Katy Perry is hosting an Easter Day "recovery" brunch complete with vitamin elixirs, an oxygen bar and reflexology massages. The Katy Perry Footwear collection will be on display, and Cover Girl will host an Easter egg hunt set to the tune of DJ sets by Mia Moretti and Balthazar Getty.

CannaSpa at Coachella, Cannabis & Culinary's wellness and lifestyle event which promotes cannabis-infused foods and services like yoga and art, is bringing Chef for Higher for a "dope" four-course dinner party.

The Boys of Summer

Zach Braff directed this?!

It's the third film in both Morgan Freeman and Zach Braff's "aging" trilogies.

Adam Sandler's third film (of eight!) for Netflix drops next week.

Can it top the 0% and 5% Rotten Tomatoes ratings for his previous two films (both for Netflix)?

Can you name his previous two films?

What a life. Netflix pays him tens of millions of dollars to fuck around with his friends.

I wonder what Val Kilmer is up to.


"The speed limit is 45."

Huh. My rental van informs me when I'm speeding.

Back from Los Angeles, where I stayed an an AirBNB owned by the director of Dee Snider's Strangeland.

[googles closest petrol station to rental car return]

TMP Gas. 1.6 out of five stars. Hmm…

"Good snack place but the gas is always 2 dollars more then [sic] regular price."

Ehh, work is paying for it, and I don't want to risk being charged for not returning the van with a full tank.

I stop at TMP Gas, swipe a credit card, insert a nozzle, and—

$4.89 a gallon?! For 87?!

I expected marked-up petrol, but… That Google reviewer was not exaggerating.

Guh. No time to drive elsewhere. I have to flight to catch.

[as petrol pumps] Please don't total more than the $55 the rental car company offered for returning low, please don't total more than $55…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

14. Psycho (Bates Motel, S05E06)

Stray Observations

  • "Feeding time, huh?"
    "No, just doing a detail job on the urchin's anus."
    "Good work if you can get it."
    "Sure is, but it looks like I won't be able to do it much longer."
    "Why? Did the sea urchin learn how to brush its own anus?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E14)
  • "Churches don't pay taxes, but they're hard to heat, so it balances out."
    "I never thought about heating costs for churches, but sure. High ceilings, all those windows…" (Bob's Burgers, S07E14)
  • "I love the metric system. I give it a ten out of ten." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Pretending to strongly believe in something that you don't is great preparation for being, like, a lawyer, or a stepdad." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "I guess it makes me mad that they call it your 'bottom' when it's in the middle? Or, why do horseshoes only come in one style? Why can't they have horse sandals?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "And if we adopt the metric system, when someone says, 'Thanks a ton,' you won't actually know how much they're thanking you." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Sundown is at 6:43, so my telescope and I will be there at 6:44."
    "Only Ursa Minor will be visible, but we'll still have Ursa Major fun." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "This Duncan guy is from New Zealand, and no one can understand him."
    "Rebuttal. Yeah, where I'm from, we call it 'buttle rubbies.'" (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Want me to twist you off a chestie?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Help us feast on these completely charred and nearly inedible flying beasts."
    "The trick to catching more than one duck at once is to kill them while they're fornicating."
    "We followed their quacks of ecstasy into the woods, crept up, smashed them with rocks."
    "How can you tell a quack of ecstasy?"
    "A quack of ecstasy is two quacks."
    "Two quacks heightening to a final clim-quacks."
    "There's three ducks…"
    "As far as we could tell, these two ducks here were in a relationship, and this third duck was hanging around watching, trying to get in on the mix." (Making History, S01E04)
  • "All black people are guardian angels. Remember that." (Making History, S01E04)
  • "NBA Jam?! Two miracles in one day." (Making History, S01E04)
  • "You are not going to fail on my watch, you fat pig!" (Making History, S01E04)
  • "You'll notice I've placed a hat in front of each of you. You're gonna want to hold on to it." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "You gotta remember that the camera adds 10 pounds. Ever try to take a picture of a scale on zero? Can't do it. It'll always say '10.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Find this thing we need to."
    "Tandy, I think you mean 'Find this thing to which we need.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Most people are scared to engage others in conversation. That's why if you ever see me at a social event, no one's ever talking to me." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "If I'm to believe all the recommended ages on the board games, we're dealing with an individual between the ages of eight and 80." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Oh, my goodness! This is delicious candy, and there's so much of it! Hey, and if candy's not your bag, we got a whole slew of items catering to a more experienced taste! Talking to you, Benji! Yeah, we got, uh, Metamucil, BluBlockers, hearing aids, couple Judging Amy DVDs, you got a box of Depends diapie-diaps! It's a world of pure imagination for young and old alike! It's raining Fixodent!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Loforwarto't! That's a shortening of the phrase 'looking forward to it'!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Yeah, nature called, and I am currently answering! Yeah, went a little hard on the prune juice! Yeah, that's something you'll learn about me! Major prune guy!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Over a million views on YouTube…" (Homeland, S06E10)
  • "It wasn't cute when you were 45, and it sure as hell isn't cute now." (Feud, S01E04)
  • Toby Huss as Frank Sinatra (Feud, S01E04)
  • "One slice each, apple, pecan, and whipped cream, with two Pepsi-Colas."
    "Well, no time like the present to develop diabetes."
    "Miss Joan forbids sweets. She says sugar is a dangerous food. I take my thrills where I can." (Feud, S01E04)
  • "On frontier, only men, like bathhouse." (Feud, S01E04)
  • Sarah Silverman's apartment number is 420 (Crashing, S01E06)
  • ♫: Eiffel 65 – "Blue" (Crashing, S01E06)
  • "Why do you have so many visors? Are you an old Korean lady?" (Superior Donuts, S01E09)
  • RT: So Rihanna has killed Hannibal Lecter and eluded Norman Bates. (Bates Motel, S05E06)
  • "You're not too little now, Norman." (Bates Motel, S05E06)
  • Donna Pescow (New Girl, S06E21)
  • "This is what happens when you're self-sufficient!" (The Mick, S01E13)
  • ♫: "Lipstick on a Turd" (Detroiters, S01E08)
  • "Half the clickbait out there is encoded knowledge for Magicians." (The Magicians, S02E10)
  • "Ohh, honey, we both know that rehab is about more than nachos and backgammon." (The Magicians, S02E10)
  • "The Tesla Flexion has only been successfully employed once before. Luckily, we are using the original equipment left to Brakebills by the man who invented it."
    "Nikola Tesla?"
    "No. Fred Flexion." (The Magicians, S02E10)
  • What the main titles are (Legion, S01E08)
  • ♫: Pink Floyd (Legion, S01E08)
  • ♫: T. Rex – "Children of the Revolution" (Legion, S01E08)
  • Legion Season Grade: B
  • Review Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Looking forward:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

13. Matt and Jay try to turn a hostage situation into a chance to play the Rivoli (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Montage of their animosity toward one another (Feud, S01E03)
  • Lavar Ball interview (First Take, 03-23-17)

Stray Observations

  • "Wait, is that…? This is your mom too? Are we sisters?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "I can't get through to Tina, but you know what can? Some strong heroine." (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "So, in conclusion, outer space, determination, and karate." (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "Clear eyes, full hearts, I'm Cher." (Making History, S01E03)
  • Deb eating a coaster (Making History, S01E03)
  • "I've been drinking my own breast water to survive." (Making History, S01E03)
  • "M and M?"
    "That year, from here to here, I spent smoking meth and masturbating." (Homeland, S06E09)
  • "Hey, I think she's trying to say something."
    "Wine! She needs wine!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Hey, it's Henry Wadsworth Long-mellow! […] Mellow-nor Roosevelt, out." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "By the way, my penis is waaay larger than one sixth of an inch. Well, larger than one sixth of an inch." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Ahh… Whites." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Jiminy Glick." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)

(Feud, S01E03)

  • "You said he was from Broadway. He's not. I checked. All his stage work is from San Diego."
    "Yeah, the Old Globe. He's a distinguished Shakespearean actor."
    "Oh, I'm sure his Falstaff is the talk of Tijuana." (Feud, S01E03)
  • "And it was Gloria Swanson who was robbed in 1950, not yooUUU, bitch!" (Feud, S01E03)
  • "Women outlive men; children leave. Best get used to it."
    "Oh, Mamacita, how I love your Teutonic pragmatism." (Feud, S01E03)
  • Bette ashing her cigarette in the Pepsi machine (Feud, S01E03)
  • "You're like his white magical negro." (Superior Donuts, S01E08)
  • Gangsters vs. terrorists (24: Legacy, S01E08)
  • Rihanna (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Carlton Cuse (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Norman in a gay bar (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Martha (The Americans, S05E03)
  • "Should we tell Paige about this?" (The Americans, S05E03)
  • "Can I start you gentlemen with something to drink?"
    "I'm good with just water."
    "You sure? The bar has everything."
    "Oh, no, no thanks. I don't drink."
    "I'll have a double bourbon and a Vernors."
    "I'll have a giant glass boot filled with beer."
    "I'm sorry, we don't have that."
    "Well, then your bar doesn't have everything." (Detroiters, S01E07)

(Detroiters, S01E07)

  • "Boys, would you like to hear the world's saddest nine-word novel? 'For sale: Shoes for two inflatable pre-teens. Never used." (Detroiters, S01E07)
  • "I think this is a tad redundant."
    "For werewolves."
    "Okay, technically, I have sexually-transmitted lycanthropy." (The Magicians, S02E09)
  • Les Misérables (The Magicians, S02E09)
  • Professor X's wheelchair (Legion, S01E07)
  • "And you're…British?"
    "Like I said, I'm your rational mind." (Legion, S01E07)
  • "Is that supposed to be a British accent?" (Legion, S01E07)

(Legion, S01E07)

(Legion, S01E07)

(Legion, S01E07)

  • Oliver and his Martinis (Legion, S01E07)
  • ♫: The Grassy Knoll – "Art of Fear [feat. Vernon Reid, Brad Houser, and Adam Sultan]" (Legion, S01E07)
  • "I'm second-lead clown in a Russian circus." (Baskets, S02E10)
  • "Communist poodles? How'd they get in the country?" (Baskets, S02E10)
  • "You want to eat at Planet Hollywood, huh? With Arnold Schwarzenegger? Steven Seagal? You know what? You're fired, or whatever your new president says." (Baskets, S02E10)
  • Baskets Season Grade: A-

(Review, S03E02)

  • "I had no idea what you said about me during my murder trial until I took off my Helkelmet [my Helen Keller helmet]." (Review, S03E02)
  • "You used to do things because you wanted to do them, not because, 'Ohh, a stranger said I should take my dick out and walk all over my ex-wife's front lawn.'"
    "Okay, that was not the review requests. I was living my dream." (Review, S03E02)
  • Dog Day Afternoon (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Pull out the gun, and go, 'And his name is John Cena!'"
    "You can't just pull out a gun and yell 'John Cena.' The plan is good enough. We don't need to add a John Cena part to everything."
    "It's a John Cena element." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Is this guy black too? Nooo! This is so terrible. Oh, no, okay. No, this guy's white. Okay, they're a mixed gang. This is actually kind of nice. They must have been very good buddies. Maybe they all went to, like, uhh, art school together." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • [watching The Negotiator] "Very fuckable film." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Back once again with the renegade masters." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • Nirvanna the Band the Show Season Grade: B+

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Oh, that rad-sounding miniature golf jawn that Adam Robot told me lives. I had resigned myself to never experiencing it. A trip to Seattle is in order.

Oh. It ends this Sunday.

Yes, this will be the last Smash Putt! [source]


Goon 2?

Oh, it opened in Canadian cinemas last weekend.

Okay, I need to be in Los Angeles on Sunday. Seattle on Friday, Vancouver on Saturday…? [checks rewards miles]