Spanish weeks in my disco casino

Jon: Is it "coffee in the morning" or "fucking in the morning"?
Rory: Both. Miguel recorded two versions of the song.
Jon: Which one is canon, though? Is "coffee" a clean edit for "fucking"?

Fucking in the morning
I don't wanna wake you
I just wanna watch you sleep
It's the smell of your hair

Jon: The "fucking" version is kinda creepy.

Idea: A history of clean edits for "fuck."

Radiohead – "Creep" (1992)
You're so fucking special » You're so very special

Jay-Z – "Can I Get A…" (1998)
Can I get a "fuck you" » Can I get a "what what"

Nine Inch Nails – "Starfuckers, Inc." (2000)
Starfuckers Incorporated » Starsuckers Incorporated

Cee Lo – "Fuck You" (2010)
Fuck you and fuck her too » Forget you and forget her too

Tove Lo – "Talking Body" (2015)
If you love me right, we fuck for life » If you love me right, we love for life

Which is more disappointing: When an eatery only serves Pepsi products, or when an eatery only serves Boylan products?

Do hipster restaurants in Mexico only serve American Coca-Cola?

Ray's and Stark Bar in Los Angeles has a water menu.

Martin Riese, Water Sommelier, has curated a water selection that demonstrates the difference in taste between twenty-one different waters sourced from various regions of the world. Terroir affects water just like wine. Let us take you on a global journey of water.

There is a brand of water called "Beverly Hills 90H20."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

39. Ariana Grande's Death (Scream Queens, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

"Kelly, bless you, my child." (This Is England '90, S01E02)

  • ♫: Evangelist – "Never Feel This Young" (This Is England '90, S01E02)
  • ♫: Evangelist – "God Song" (This Is England '90, S01E02)
  • ♫: Ludovico Einaudi – "Experience" (This Is England '90, S01E02)
  • "I don't care about three-act structure. I think it's eroding cinema." (Project Greenlight, S04E02)
  • "Has anyone ever asked you to try to make it look like what it would look like if you shot having removed the anti-halation layer of the film?" (Project Greenlight, S04E02)
  • How did I not see the ending? (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E04)
  • Guest starring Werner Herzog (Rick and Morty, S02E08)
  • "I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small, it's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans have held bottles, pencils, Thermoses in front of themselves and called out, 'Hey, look at me, I'm Mr. So-and-so Dick. I've got such and such for a penis.' I never saw it fail to get a laugh." (Rick and Morty, S02E08)
  • BBC preview (Rick and Morty, S02E08)
  • Both episodes open with "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E04; Gotham, S02E01)
  • Chad Velcoro (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • RT: Reebok Pumps were played out by 95 (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • "All the franchise power players are gonna be there. I need to make a good impression. Which one's Louis Huang? Ohhh, he's the steakhouse owner in the sharkskin suit."
    "Or he's the Chinese guy." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • "Dolla dolla bag." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • The family riding Gatorworld's parking lot tram because the mother didn't want to pay for admission to Gatorworld – I did this at Disneyland! (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • The Mask was released in 1994 – the boys would recognize (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • Eddie Huang Is Not Narrating Fresh Off the Boat Anymore – I didn't notice (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • Both episodes open with a "1995" title card (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01; Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • "I am not missing 'Waterfalls' for this." (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • "She smells like hot dog water and probably sprained her neck giving blumpkins down at the local bowling alley." (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • "I got my first boner watching Faces of Death." (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • "How did you get HPV? When were you in Mexico?" (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • "You're so confident without being mean. What anti-depressants are you on?" (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • Sleepaway Camp III death (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • Predatory Lez = Tumblr (Scream Queens, S01E02)
  • "Yeah, Jeets." (Scream Queens, S01E02)
  • "Name one bad thing that ever happened at a Best Buy parking lot." (Scream Queens, S01E02)
  • "Your father is a tampon." (Empire, S02E01)
  • Cookie cutting off Al Sharpton (Empire, S02E01)
  • Don Lemon (Empire, S02E01)
  • Chris Rock playing a gangsta (Empire, S02E01)
  • Marisa Tomei Shmoney dance (Empire, S02E01)
  • Marisa Tomei dancing with Anika (Empire, S02E01)
  • "Spit something for me."
    "He in jail. Do it." (Empire, S02E01)
  • "I thought I told you to sleep with her."
    "I did."
    "You can't even dyke right." (Empire, S02E01)
  • "Why are you playing with my wigs?" (Empire, S02E01)
  • Chris Rock playing a gangsta cannibal (Empire, S02E01)
  • "Why you looking like Mr. T?" (Empire, S02E01)
  • "Who's messing with us?"
    "That skinny Hannibal Idi Amin." (Empire, S02E01)
  • "I'm-a sign your baby girl, and then I'm-a slip her my bone." (Empire, S02E01)

"The neck is the V." (Modern Family, S07E01)

  • "I suppose you have a thing for Canadian girls, huh? Is that it? You've got maple fever?" (South Park, S19E02)
  • ♫: Men Without Hats – "The Safety Dance" (South Park, S19E02)
  • RT: After last night's DraftKings plug on "The League," it'll be impossible to criticize any other show for selling out ever again (The League, S07E03)
  • "It's on like Dong Kong." (The League, S07E03)
  • Friends of the People Season Grade: C-


I fight babies like you, baby


Googling "California Selfie Conservancy" turns up nothing, but the field guide checks out. As for Data and Society…

Starring Rick Fox and Lolo Jones.

What is fun about that match-up?

The zombies are at least ninjas in this film.

Bears vs. Zombies (2016)
Ursidae or Ursigays? I hope it's both.

Alexander Ludwig stars in two 2015 films about final girls – The Final Girls and Final Girl.

Former Chopped champions are pushed to their limits when they return to compete in an epic four-part tournament in CHOPPED: IMPOSSIBLE, premiering on Thursday, October 22nd at 8pm ET/PT.

Robert Irvine will command a seat on the judging panel.

Three competitors will power on to the Grand Finale, where one will win the chance to throw down in an impossibly daunting wild card round: against Chef Robert. [source]

Having exhausted ideas for themed episodes, Chopped adds a boss battle?

Isn't this just Beat Bobby Flay with more preliminary rounds?

Has Chopped done an episode with four wrestlers yet?

One man standing alone with God is a majority


This time in Toronto, I experienced mad déjà vu.

While waiting for my order at a burritoria cheekily decorated with framed photographs of donkeys, I saw pamphlets on my table for The Donkey Sanctuary of Canada.

"Please become a Guardian of the Donkey Sanctuary of Canada. […] Yes, I would like more information about the DSC's Sponsor a Donkey Plan."

Is this cheekiness too? I wondered.

A: No.

The Sanctuary rescues the donkey with hooves so long it lives in constant pain and cannot walk. It saves a terrified mule shivering in a pen in a slaughterhouse. It offers a home to a much-loved donkey whose aging owners can no longer provide adequate care.

Of course it's in Guelph. Of course.

Why does Toronto have a logo?

The only other city with a logo I can think of is New York City.

This is an actual stage production.

Idea: A Con Air-themed donair restaurant.

Is it "donair" or "döner"?

organ döner – offal cooked on a vertical rotisserie
blood döner – blood sausage, vertically rotissed
bone marrow döner – extravagant street food

These headshots…

The toonie is the sexiest coin in North America.

Road Rules: Northern Trail

I am back from Toronto, after an 18-hour-long journey on two hours of sleep in which:

» My flight from Toronto to Los Angeles was delayed (0800 to 0910)

» I was held back from passing through Customs in Toronto because my delayed flight wasn't scheduled to depart as soon as others (0845, 0900 vs. 0910)

» The airplane to Los Angeles circled Arizona for 20 minutes because LAX was slammed

» My connecting flight at LAX was cancelled

» The next flight out with an available seat was four hours later, delayed 15 minutes

» The next flight out with an available seat was cancelled

During my time in Toronto, $1.00 USD was ≈$1.30 CAD, so everything was ≈25% off to me, which got me thinking.

Vancouver, British Columbia is my favourite city on Earth. Why don't I live there while the exchange rate is so favourable? I can stay in Canada for 180 days without a visa.

But…winter is coming.

Also, mobile service.

I kinda want to travel up to Seattle in two weeks for my birthday.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

38. At the Mercy of the Magic 8-Ball (Review, S02E08)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Coffee whip (This Is England '90, S01E01)
  • "It's called 'sniff-banging.'" (This Is England '90, S01E01)

Computer-generated Los Angeles street sign (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E03)

  • RT: Wait. Wait. Wait. The city is getting overrun by vampires and the mayor is concerned about his approval ratings after a 1% "protection tax"? (The Strain, S02E10)
  • "Our school is vampire-free."
    "Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu?" (Rick and Morty, S02E07)
  • "Why was Knight Rider called 'Knight Rider'? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight." (Rick and Morty, S02E07)
  • "Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith." (Rick and Morty, S02E07)
  • Triple H's dancing (WWE Raw, 09-14-15)
  • The ax strike in the title sequence (The Bastard Executioner, S01E01)
  • Katey Sagal's accent (The Bastard Executioner, S01E01)
  • Kurt Sutter cast himself in the flashiest role (The Bastard Executioner, S01E01)
  • CLAUDIA?! (MasterChef, S06E20)
  • MasterChef Season Grade: D
  • "There was an incident at the school last week involving a student referring to rape as a 'hot Cosby.'" (South Park, S19E01)
  • "Cartman got four days detention for calling Heidi Turner 'clitty litter.'" (South Park, S19E01)

Margaret (The League, S07E02)

  • "I love oysters, 'cause it's like little salty pussies on a shell." (The League, S07E02)
  • "This is a classic 'snake drawing its own hand.'" (Review, S02E08)
  • Eric Andre (Friends of the People, S02E09)
  • "I'm testifying on behalf of Kenny 'cause you dropped all of my Digimon cards in the bathtub."
    "I lost my grip, dude. They're made of very slippery paper." (Friends of the People, S02E09)
  • "Jesus died for our sins, but you didn't even go to your own mother's funeral, because you had tickets to Mudvayne." (Friends of the People, S02E09)


Looking forward:

Sorry, Comedy Bang! Bang!. 80 episodes is it for me.



On my flight to Toronto, I sat beside a white man in his 30s, 40s who clearly just attended Burning Man.

A female Asian flight attendant hands him a declaration card.

Man: Can I get a pen?
XX Attendant: I'm sorry. You don't have a pen? I gave mine to someone already.
Man: But I paid $600 for my ticket.
XX Attendant: Erm… If you can wait a few minutes…
Man: I paid $600 for my ticket.
XX Attendant: Unfortunately, I can't carry around 300 pens.
Man: But I paid $600 for my ticket! What kind of service is this?

"You're sitting in a middle seat in economy class," I thought. "What kind of service do you expect? Also, $600 for a one-way middle seat in economy? Sucker!"

A white male flight attendant comes over.

XY Attendant: What's the issue?
XX Attendant: He wants a pe–
Man: [to XX Attendant] Go away. I can talk to him directly. [to XY Attendant] Can I get a pen? I paid $600 for my ticket.
XY Attendant: I'll get you a pen.

A bit later, the female Asian flight attendant returns.

XX Attendant: Did you get a pen, sir?
XX Attendant: Sir? Did you get a pen?

The man ignores her until she leaves.

My AirBNB is on the 57th floor of Canada's tallest residential building.

While squeezing in a nap before a midnight screening nearby, I periodically heard what sounded like crowd cheering outside. "Why is… From where? Or is it wind?" I wondered.

On my way to queue for the midnight screening, I passed uni students exclaiming, "I can't believe I saw Drake for free!"

Not wind.

Drake, Future, Miguel, and Zeds Dead for a frosh week concert – damn.

Seen and heard on the subway:

"I was a wardrobe buyer for Hannibal. After production on season three wrapped, my department held a clearance sale. [points at shoes] Prada, [points at sweater jacket] Burberry, Boss – all for $10, $5."

Adam Riff™ Karaoke Playlist – September 16, 2015

1. Our Lady Peace – "Superman's Dead"
2. Serial Joe – "Skidrow"
3. Drake – "Back to Back"
4. Bedouin Soundclash – "When the Night Feels My Song"
5. The Righteous Brothers – "Unchained Melody"


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

37. Seth Rollins wanders around backstage yelling STING GIVE ME BACK MY STATUE, Xavier Woods plays the Final Fantasy victory fanfare on the trombone, The New Day engages in a trombone vs. kazoo battle with Edge and Christian, Big E tries to eat a kazoo, The Dudley Boyz show up (WWE Raw, 09-07-15)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • A special title sequence just for this episode (The Strain, S02E09)
  • "Guns and Neosporin – you need both around the house at all times." (The Carmichael Show, S01E06)
  • "I'm trying to find The Mindy Project. Which channel is Hulu?" (The Carmichael Show, S01E06)
  • The Carmichael Show Season Grade: D+
  • "Negrotown? What, like Atlanta?" (Key and Peele, S05E10)
  • Key and Peele Season Grade: C-
  • "Just a good old-fashioned garlic bread butt shove." (The League, S07E01)
  • John Schneider (The League, S07E01)
  • "Remember when you were talking about the spatial layout of Costco? Who's gonna walk right in and buy a TV? I said that!"
    "I feel that way too about Costco!" (Review, S02E07)
  • Heather Morris (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E30)
  • "I knew he was a man the moment I saw him drinking that Dr. Pepper Ten." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E30)
  • "I can't believe you're all witches. Misogyny was right." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E30)
  • "Silkk the Sock Puppet." (Friends of the People, S02E08)


Jon vs. the Volcano

I have had two AirBNB reservations in Toronto fall through abruptly. Third time's the charm?


Today marks the 15th anniversary of Adam Riff™.

I wish I still had the time and energy to invest in this website that I had in my 20s, but even at 60, 70%, I can't quit it. I feel restless and hollow when I don't update.

So Adam Riff™ beats on, like Vanna White, a content relic, diminished but undeterred.

For Adam Riff™'s 10th anniversary, I distilled a decade of Adam Riff™ into 22 links.

For Adam Riff™'s 15th anniversary, let's add 11 more to the list.

10 Sep 00
Translating Southern United States English

09 Apr 01
"I am pleased to announce the inception of Jonathan Yu's Wrestlepalooza, the granddaddy of imaginary sports entertainment events on the internet."

07 Nov 01
"The following are the incomplete production notes for my take on a summer movie."

05 Apr 02
"I gave The Rock a thumbs up."

17 May 02

03 Aug 02
"I went and bought a pre-packed quart of chocolate chip ice cream, ate some of it, inseminated the container and put it in the freezer."

10 Feb 03
"Yeah, I assaulted a bum."

20 May 03
"'Hey, um, I waited in line for Star Wars right next to you last year and I think it's pretty weird that it's mid-May again and we're both in Hollywood waiting in line for the same screening…again.'"

27 Jul 03
"—Let's go to Montreal, said Jord."

05 Apr 04
"Yes, I have a child."

01 Jun 04
"On May 10, our class of 16 interviewed Al Pacino."

17 Dec 04
Snowing Is Half the Battle

10 Mar 05
"I noticed an increasing number of links to the Kidz Bop track."

08 Apr 05
George Lucas' Sith City

18 May 05
Senator Palpatine's Lonely Darth Command

19 Jul 05
"Yes, my mother asked a professional fortune teller to assess my future."

15 Mar 06
"Tyler Hansbrough and Beaker — separated at birth."

20 May 06

05 Jul 07
"On the ride home, the euphoria of the preceding days crashed spectacularly."

09 Feb 09
The Dark Chef

28 Jun 09
Memorable quotes for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen on IMDb

30 Apr 10
Size of Your Life

18 Jul 11
"I believe that the best way to experience a city is to eat it."

25 Jul 11

01 Aug 11
Fantasy MLB Commissioner

10 Nov 11
"Compton is Williamsburg."

19 Jul 12
Breakfasting Bad

04 Sep 12
"The centerpiece of the issue was gonna be a longread on my snoring, which I have decided to revive and serialize on Adam Riff™."
[Someday I will write parts 2 through 4.]

19 Mar 13

29 May 13
Let's cast an NHL coaches movie!

08 Oct 14
"And Renton is Compton."

24 Dec 14
Fight Scenes of the Year

26 May 15
The Best Pictures: 2000-2014