VIP Lounge

// Sydney, NSW, Australia

Compared to Melbourne's Crown casino, Sydney's Star casino is unremarkable. It too, however, only seems to have one craps table.

Crown is currently building a casino resort in Sydney directly across Darling Harbor from The Star.

West Egg, East Egg, Gatsby's house, Daisy's house.

When it's finished, Crown Sydney will become the Sydney's tallest building.

In response, The Star is developing a 61-floor tower for its resort.

Green light, The Argonath, dick measuring contest.

What are "pokies"?

Oh, video poker machines.

It seems almost certain the term "selfie" originated in Australia with a young drunk.

"The earliest evidence that we know of at the moment is Australian and it fits in with a tendency in Australian English to make cute, slangy words with that 'ie' ending."

Dual flush toilets also originated in Australia?


// Sydney, NSW, Australia

Jelly beans and popping candy in extra milky chocolate? [gags]


This is an exclusive invitation to a new breed of HAPPENING that merges installation art and performance with food and beverage.

Where the importance of collective dining as a part of a modern ritual and sensory food subculture, fuse and ignite into an experimental playground of TOUCH, SOUND, ART, TASTE.

Cut through the metal fence and lick the walls, you become a part of the art installations. This is a full throttle sensory experience.

Add a pinch of ground breaking performance and delicious sound design for your aural pleasure.

THE STATEMENT IS CLEAR: We are obliged to reconstruct and disrupt your visceral reaction through otherworldly interaction.


"#MINDBLOWN Nights At The Nest have redefined entertainment – blurring the lines between art, food and experience"

– CLAUS STANGL, Creative Strategist, Instagram


Tim and Eric Smith.

Melbourne's premier destination for colonic irrigation services

// Melbourne, VIC, Australia

John Batman (21 January 1801 – 6 May 1839) was an Australian grazier, entrepreneur and explorer.

He is best known for his role in the founding of the settlement on the Yarra River which became the city of Melbourne.

When he found the current site of central Melbourne, he noted in his diary of 8 June 1835, "This will be the place for a village" and declared the land "Batmania."

Places named after John Batman
Batman Bridge (Tasmania)
Division of Batman (Victorian electoral division)
Batman Park (Melbourne CBD)
Batman's Hill (Melbourne CBD)
Batman railway station, Melbourne (North Coburg, Victoria)
Batman Avenue, Melbourne
Batman Close, Thornton, New South Wales
Batman Lane, Surry Hills, New South Wales
Batman Road, Eltham
Batman Street, Burnside Heights
Batman Walk, Parramatta
Batman Drive, Melton West
Batman Gardens, Sandringham

Sexyland – really?

Idea: Is it a bar/restaurant in Melbourne or an album by a Perry Farrell band?

1. Jane's Addiction
2. Caz Reitop's Dirty Secrets
3. Good God's Urge
4. Mr. Wow's Emporium
5. A Cabinet of Curiosities
6. Naked for Satan
7. Porno for Pyros

Two minutes from Massive Wieners in Prahran is Pablo's Escoburgers.

Its Patron burger is garnished with a line of white garlic powder and a rolled-up faux $100 bill.

What's the story behind how Bludso's Bar and Que in Los Angeles has an outpost in Melbourne?

The casino in Melbourne contains a ludicrous number of roulette tables.

Meanwhile, across three(!) floors of casino, I found one craps table, inside the "Vegas Room."

It's "Vegas" because it's scented and dealers are dressed in street clothes.

Melbourne Central: Let's enclose a 19th century shot tower in a 21st century shopping centre.

South Melbourne: Hold my Foster's.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

13. CrazySexyCool (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E20)

Honourable Mention

  • Eliot × The Pretenders (The Magicians, S04E10)

Stray Observations

  • Katt Williams (Black-ish, S05E16)
  • Miracle Workers Season Grade: D
  • "Look who's up: Trump and Aunt Lydia." (The Magicians, S04E10)
  • "Last night, there were all these people down there, shouting and screaming, half-drunk."
    "Where did they find the alcohol?"
    "No, they were half-drunk. They'd been half drunk. Please, finish a whole victim before moving on to a next one, okay?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E01)
  • "I was the most handsome man in our village."
    "His village was very badly affected by leprosy and the plague." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E01)
  • "So deliciously macabre. Creepy paper."
    "It's crepe paper."
    "Creepy paper."
    "It's crepe paper, master."
    "Creepy—oh, multi-pack." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E01)
  • "I must slumber. But when I awaken, we will rule this Staten Island." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E01)
  • "Chase is up next right after Katy Perry."
    "Oh, shit. We have to hurry. Oh! Wait, is she doing music or comedy?"
    "Oh. Okay, so we have a while." (The Other Two, S01E10)
  • "Anna Kendrick plays our mom. Debra Messing plays our grandma."
    "Oh, Debra…" (The Other Two, S01E10)
  • "What is Twitter saying?"
    "Uum, that we're fucked. Every tweet is bad. The Burger King account is, like, ripping him apart." (The Other Two, S01E10)
  • The Other Two Season Grade: B
  • "So What'cha Want" video (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E20)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Other Two

Looking forward:

Business is about to pick up.

No Netflix shows for now.

Stay Alert Stay Alive

// Melbourne, VIC, Australia

Melbourne reminds me of Vancouver, BC, Canada – a city for white people filled with Asian people.

The architecture in metro Melbourne is wild. It's like city planners gave every student at a school of design a block on which to build anything of their imagining.

I keep reading "CBD" (Central Business District) as "cannabidiol." CBD Bakery. CBD Kebabs.

Among Melbourne's restaurants are ones named "Lucy Liu" and "Sonny Chiba." Just need one named "Chiaki Kuriyama" for a Kill Bill triumvirate.

Australia really be putting chicken and beef in sushi rolls.

Also: A sausage roll is sausage rolled in puff pastry, whereas a bacon and egg roll is a sandwich. The more you know.

Is a sausage roll a sandwich?

What is that supposed to be? Display malfunction? Dead pixels?

I later learn that it denotes "right turn from left lane only."

Just drive on the right, ffs.

Melbourne is home to the world's largest IMAX screen. It's showing Inception on Thursday and a Terminator/Terminator 2 double feature on Friday, but I'm not feeling either.

[browsing local showtimes for Us]

What does "LUX" mean?

HOYTS LUX is our premium dine in cinema experience, with a bespoke luxury menu designed by Manu Feildel, a premium wine selection and comfort with cutting edge sounds and visuals.

Our HOYTS LUX cinemas are optimised for luxury over capacity, meaning you can avoid the crowds and enjoy the latest blockbusters on your special night out.

$45.00 for one LUX ticket?! Does that include food?


"Classic Cheeseburger: $29."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

12. Split (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S06E11)

Stray Observations

  • Killian (You're the Worst, S05E11)
  • "I've never felt this way about anyone. Not even Dave Navarro." (You're the Worst, S05E11)
  • ♫: Birdlegs and Pauline – "Mist of a Dream" (You're the Worst, S05E11)
  • Rice conversation (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S06E11)
  • "You can have my toilet." (Better Things, S03E04)
  • "This might be a bad time, but I remember now. You did eat my butt." (The Other Two, S01E09)
  • "Don't you dare tell anyone I'm dating my butt." (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E19)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Other Two

Discount Chemist

// Byron Bay, NSW, Australia

The holiday park I'm staying at offers free wifi, but only 200MB a day.

"4-star hotel" per Google.

You can add 2GB for 24 hours on one device for $9.95.

Fortunately, I bought a 25GB 4G SIM card for my mobile before arriving.

Unfortunately, switching SIM cards has complicated two factor authentication.

Dinner at (Barrio):

A 10% surcharge on public holidays? To compensate for being short-staffed?

"Would you like some bread?"

When the check arrives, I discover that what I assumed were two slices of complimentary bread cost $5.00.

She offered me a starter?!

"There is a 1.5% surcharge for paying with a credit card."


Fortunately, USD is currently ~28% stronger than AUD.

"Would you like to add a tip?"

I thought I didn't have to tip in Australia?

I google "tipping in Australia."

"In Australia, a standard 10% is voluntarily given for good service."

Well, she made me feel like a lummox during my meal, but she's also looking right at me.

I tip 10%.

At least it's not a public holiday.

On my ride to (Barrio), I discover that my Uber rating dropped from 4.83 to 4.80.

Was it that driver in Las Vegas who I cancelled on because he was taking too long and who then accepted my replacement ride request? Is it because his cancellation fee was refunded?

0.3 is a notable drop. Can one man have all that power?

I hope my rating doesn't drop further while I'm in Australia because of only tipping drivers $1.00.

I browse menus for other local restaurants.

"A 10% surcharge applies on Sunday and 15% on public holidays."

Damn, Sundays too?

Brunch at (Barrio):

"Would you like piri piri sauce with your sausage roll?"

Wait, is she gonna…?

[adds $1.00 for sauce]



Dinner at (Raes):

"Would you like still or sparkling water?"

I normally answer "still," but on a whim opt for sparkling.

When the check arrives, I discover that what I assumed were two glasses of complimentary sparkling water cost $10.00 – twice as much as my one glass of cola.

I should have known when I saw the S.Pellegrino bottle.