I have mixed feelings about Jim Rome saying that fallen soldiers made the ultimate sacrifice. "Sacrifice" suggests intent, and no one joins the military to die. When a construction worker falls to his or her death, we don't regard it as a sacrifice of life, but rather an occupational hazard.
"Let me ask you a question. How long have you been a two-faced slut?" (Gotham, S02E07)
Death by stiletto heel (Gotham, S02E07)
The closing credits song – Holly Hunter sings it as a lullaby in Raising Arizona (Fargo, S02E04)
"I'm their Kramer." (Grandfathered, S01E05)
"You didn't get that line from a book, did you? You got it from a little show Entertainment Weekly called 'one of the more competent legal dramas in quite some time.'" (The Grinder, S01E05)
"This is not a Long Duk Dong situation." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E06)
Gak – "Of course there's hair in it." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E06)
"When I was two, what breakfast cereal did I accidentally breathe into my lungs and nearly die? …I…X."
"Dix? You choked on dix?" (Scream Queens, S01E07)
"News flash, felchers. Rat poison only works because rodents don't have a gag reflex. If you gave a human rat poison, they would immediately puke it all up. So not only would I have survived your attempt on my life, it would have also made me skinnier." (Scream Queens, S01E07)
"Her treacherous slatch already droops like wet clay." (The Bastard Executioner, S01E08)
"You put me in charge."
"No, I put you in place. Don't confuse the two." (Empire, S02E06)
The Burp King of Westchester is ubiquitous (American Horror Story, S05E05)
"Goddesses don't speak in whispers; they scream." (American Horror Story, S05E05)
Nick Kroll clearly negotiated a reduced schedule when re-upping (The League, S07E09)
"I met with Cornelius Ladd, an age progression specialist I found on Craigslist." (Nathan for You, S03E04)
"My wife and my kids, they died in space. It was an accident." (Nathan for You, S03E04)
"I could be very helpful in securing a long future for you here at the Knick." [accidentally sets himself on fire] (The Knick, S02E04)
"I ate a lot of diapers. A lot. That dirty diaper taste in the back of your mouth, there's just nothing like it. But I'm here to say that you can have a life without walking around munching on every dirty diaper you come across." (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S02E01)
"I'd like to sing a few songs for you, songs I knew from when I was just a little girl." [sings "Three Blind Mice"] (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S02E01)
♫: Original song written by Eric Wareheim and performed by Bonnie "Prince" Billy (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S02E01)
"It's not for people to just take it and go. This isn't New Orleans." (Master of None, S01E02)
"Taye Diggs? He hates celery." (Master of None, S01E03)
"Dude, it's a Father John Misty show. There's gonna be white people everywhere." (Master of None, S01E03)
"'XOXO' – that's good. It means 'hugs and kisses.'"
"No, 'XOXO' means 'go fuck yourself.'"
"Hmm. Well, if that's true, then all the letters my grandmother wrote me ended with 'Go fuck yourself, Grandma.'" (Master of None, S01E03)
Booty Call! (Master of None, S01E04)
"Indians, Asians, gays – there can be one, but there can't be two." (Master of None, S01E04)
"You're being a bit of an Uncle Taj." (Master of None, S01E04)
"Is Mindy Kaling real?" (Master of None, S01E04)
Carrie Mathison is married to Stan Beeman (Master of None, S01E05)
"Batman has a Batmobile. Thor has a Thor-mobile."
"I don't think he does." (Master of None, S01E05)
"Colin Salmon is Car-man." (Master of None, S01E05)
Television Episode of the Year nominee (Master of None, S01E09)
"I'm over here trying to listen to my CM Punk interview, dude." (Master of None, S01E10)
Today, my stream of consciousness led me to Barbara Billingsley, and…
Are you ever unsure whether or not a celebrity is still alive? It happens to me a lot.
[cue montage of Jon thought-ballooned]
Is Phil Donahue still alive?
Is Dionne Warwick still alive?
Is Little Richard still alive?
Is Wink Martindale still alive?
Is Burt Bacharach still alive?
Is Willard Scott still alive?
Is Hugh Downs still alive?
Is Bob Dole still alive?
Is The Frugal Gourmet still alive?
Is Ron Popeil still alive?
Is Punky Brewster's foster father / Commandant Lassard still alive?
Is Mona on Who's the Boss? still alive?
Is Orson Bean still alive?
Remember when Orson Bean was on Loveline?
Remember when Fletcher of NOFX vomited on Dr. Drew?
Remember "The Dr. Drew Shuffle"?
The "bro-country" movement has been criticized for its subject matter, namely repeated lyrical themes of partying associated with Friday nights, alcoholic beverages, "painted on" jeans, mud/dust, a rural setting of some sort (like a river or creek), boots, tobacco, and trucks, as well as its exclusion of female country artists.
The popularity of the genre opened up a divide between the older generation of country singers and the bro country singers which was described as "civil war."
Idea: A variation on The Warriors in which each gang is a musical sub-genre – the bro-country gang, the gangsta rap gang…
Netflix should commission and release 10 country music awards shows at once.
This holiday season, give the gift of Nathan Fielder.
• Audio Commentary On "Private Investigator / Taxi Company" With Special Guest Salomon Flores
• Audio Commentary On "Souvenir Shop / ELAIFF" With Special Guest William Heath (Bill Gates Impersonator)
• "Dumb Starbucks" – Extended Parody Songs
Idea for next Halloween: Cover my front stoop with peanuts and distribute $100 bills.
No, set up a peanut gauntlet leading to my front door. You must navigate a laser maze-style maze of ropes that are slathered in peanut butter, crawl through a tunnel with fan at the end blowing peanut flour at you, and then jump in and cross a ball pit filled with peanuts to ring my doorbell.
And for those who opt not to run the gauntlet, I will place a bowl of carrot sticks outside the ropes maze. "Please take only one!"
"Don't you want to experience the one thing white people do better than us?"
"Begging for candy in a disguise to hide your shame?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"I'm going as Humpty Hump from the Digital Underground."
"I love Burger King bathrooms!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"Tic Tacs to the face! Tic tacs in your face!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"She's so cool."
"I bet she drinks Zima." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"UPS delivery lamb. Nice costume, Emery. You too, Evan. A lazy goalie."
"Go on. Deliver that goalie." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
(Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"Aren't you embarrassed? A grown woman dressed as a pig?"
"I'm Miss Piggy. Kermit's girlfriend?"
"Pigs don't date. Pigs feed a crowd at a reasonable price." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
The Mask = "Jazz Gumby." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"Jeff friggin' Lynne…" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E05)
"What are thooooooose?!" (Black-ish, S02E06)
"They're just children. They don't have arts programs. They can't help themselves." (Black-ish, S02E06)
"Your refrigerator game has exploded in the last 5-7 years." (Black-ish, S02E06)
1999: Tweek vs. Craig. 2015: Tweek x Craig (South Park, S19E06)
"Wow. Our town has only had a Whole Foods for three weeks and we already have our first gay kids." (South Park, S19E06)
"The Asians decide who's gonna be gay?" (South Park, S19E06)
Karaoke video (South Park, S19E06)
"He's a genius, like Galileo or Peter Frampton." (American Horror Story, S05E04)
"I don't eat salad."
"Jeffrey likes dark meat." (American Horror Story, S05E04)
"What am I supposed to do without a quarterback?"
"I dunno… Pick up Andy Dalton off the waiver wire."
"You know that I'm a card-carrying member of the ADL."
"What is the ADL?"
"The Andy Defamation League, where I get together with a group of people and talk shit about Andy Dalton." (The League, S07E08)
"We missed you at the bibimbapluck." (The League, S07E08)