Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

5. The Rocketeer Pack (Shark Tank, S10E12)

Stray Observations

The new WWE Championship, made of "100% sustainable hemp" and "naturally fallen oak" (WWE SmackDown LIVE, 01-29-19)

  • "Yesterday, Paul F. Tompkins made me drink two liters of split pea soup." (You're the Worst, S05E04)
  • "But you want to know the one thing that kept me going out there?"
    "Thinking about a burrito?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E04)
  • "And them I'm gonna kill him with a knife made out of his own shit that was made out of his own dick." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E04)
  • "Daniel, Steve wrote this poem about killing you with this knife made out of the frozen shit of your digested dick." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E04)
  • "Will you just do this for me? Hold the cock ring in the middle of the heart for me?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E04)
  • ♫: "Sorry I tried to have you killed / Please accept these gifts and this coooOOOck ring" ♫ (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E04)
  • "And I'm…Ellen DeGeneres?"
    "Ellen, right this way." (The Other Two, S01E02)
  • "Where do you live? What kind of bed's in there?"
    "Well, I have a king size bed…"
    "And I live in Midtown East…"
    "O– No. I'm not going there." (The Other Two, S01E02)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Who Is America?

Front Toward Enemy

David Spade?

What is the Mount Rushmore of curious Saturday Night Live alum casting?

1. David Spade in Warning Shot
2. Taran Killam in 12 Years a Slave
3. Dan Aykroyd in Pearl Harbor

4. …Mike Myers in Inglourious Basterds?

Rory: Dennis Miller in The Net.

The food that celebrates your end

I was in my old stomping ground of Westwood and saw that its crappy El Pollo Loco is still open.

Come to think of it, every El Pollo Loco I've ever known is somehow still open.

Related: I don't think I've ever seen a new Burger King. Every Burger King I've ever known has always been there.

Related: Does Pizza Hut just operate out of unmarked storefronts now? They all seemingly disappeared.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

4. Daniel Bryan vs. Baby Boomers (SmackDown LIVE, 01-22-19)

Stray Observations

  • Jaboukie (Crashing, S03E01)
  • Crystal Pepsi anachronism (Black Monday, S01E01)
  • "Hey, Dre. Why so happy? Oh, did they just free Mumia?" (Black-ish, S05E11)
  • Dangerous Minds + Finding Forrester (Black-ish, S05E11)
  • "Spent Friendsgiving in Zermatt with Beck microdosing on an alpine slide. I go to Guadalajara. I did everything but with an heiress to the guacamole fortune. You haven't experienced the 'mids – and when I say 'the 'mids,' I mean 'the pyramids' – until you've seen them on Adderall. If you mix peyote and mimosas, it gives you sonar, like a bat or a dolphin." (Corporate, S02E02)
  • "Shut up, koala pajamas." (Corporate, S02E02)
  • ♫: Ty Segall – "Just Give Up" (Corporate, S02E02)
  • Lance Reddick masturbating (Corporate, S02E02)
  • "Am I at Jeff Goldblum's house right now?" (The Magicians, S04E01)
  • Santa Claus (The Magicians, S04E01)
  • "What's this wack shit?"
    "The Smiths."
    "Sorta gay, ain't it?"
    [Brian Posehn walking by] "Yeeup."
    "If by gay, you mean brave, and honest."
    "Whining over a guitar ain't brave."
    "It's hard to be fearless about sadness." (Deadly Class, S01E02)
  • "There is old KGB wisdom: Sometimes you are dildo, and sometimes you are face." (Deadly Class, S01E02)
  • ♫: "Sweet Cleats" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E03)
  • Fireman Ed doing the megaphone "geeeaaar!" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E03)
  • "Did you bone Blaine?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E03)
  • "Unfortunately, Bliss is not here. Probably in the VIP section at a Fatboy Slim concert."
    "Would that be cool for a 37-year-old?"
    "The funk soul brother is timeless, Ames." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S06E03)
  • "You die and become a ghost. The rules of the afterlife are that of the movie Casper. Whose house would you rather haunt?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S06E03)
  • "Scared is the best way to be horny." (The Good Place, S03E13)
  • "You died in Canada? Ahhhh! That is so weird and embarrassing. It's like the nip slip of dying." (The Good Place, S03E13)
  • The Good Place Season 3 Grade: C
  • ♫: ChaseDreams – "I Wanna Marry U at Recess" (The Other Two, S01E01)
  • "Some in the music industry are already calling him 'the next big white kid.'" (The Other Two, S01E01)
  • "Hi, I'm Cary Dubek, and I'm reading for the role of Man at Party Who Smells Fart."
    "Let's go again, but this time, I think the fart is just bigger and fatter." (The Other Two, S01E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Who Is America?

All I do is eat bread and check suckers

Baker Dill has been slowly unraveling following the sudden appearance of his ex-wife Karen, who has tasked him with killing her abusive husband. Initially resistant to her pleas because of his obsession with catching an elusive giant tuna, Baker is worn down by the series of visions that he receives from Patrick, his son with Karen, with whom he seems to share a telepathic connection.

Reid Miller introduces himself as a representative of a fishing company that wants to give Baker a fish tracker free of charge. But he lets something slip as Baker tries to push him out of his house: "I am the rules," Reid says. He continues to babble, revealing that he knows all about Baker's obsession with the tuna called "Justice" and his intention to kill the man abusing his ex-wife. Is he an alien? A prophet? No, Reid is literally the "rules" of a video game.

Baker Dill is not a real person, but a character in a fishing video game that his son has been tampering with to play out his fantasies of killing a digital version of his abusive stepfather. Baker is based on his father, who had died in the Iraq War. But Baker retains all those memories of his son and his time in the war, and for some reason, can hear his son as Patrick inputs the code that changes a mundane fishing game into a murder scenario. Naturally, Baker undergoes a crisis of identity and free will, but decides to obey his son anyway and go through with killing the abusive husband, despite the game's various NPCs trying to thwart him — including at one point his first mate Duke hiring a group of gangsters to break the husband's hands so he can't fish.

Throughout the film, Patrick is shown in his room playing the game while stepfather beats his mother in the next room over. The twist reveals that these weren't flashbacks to different moments when Patrick fled to his game to escape his stepfather's violence, but one long scene that bookends the movie. And as video game Baker kills the digital stepfather, Patrick picks up a knife in reality to kill the one next door.

Written and directed by the creator of Peaky Blinders.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

3. Backpack Kid Dance (The Good Place, S03E12)

Stray Observations

  • ♫: Cassandra Wilson – "Death Letter" (True Detective, S03E01)
  • "I've got some big news."
    "Oh. What's up? Did you get a modeling job with, uh…doing some Icelandic panties or something?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E02)
  • "Which ones would you like to watch? A Meat and Two Sides? The Beef of Wall Street? The Wolf of Wall Beef? Slumdog Beef-ionaire? Beef to the Future and Beef to the Future 3? Or Three Beef-boards Outside Ebbing, Missouri?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E02)
  • "I guess, uh, my seed had the longest and strongest ride on the waves of her uteral wall, am I right?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S02E02)
  • "We just got an email from Nikolaj's 15-year-old brother in Latvia that he's never met. Yeah, his name is Dragomir."
    "Oh, my God. That is a 42-year-old fur trapper."
    "What? You don't see the resemblance?"
    "Yeah, to Matisyahu." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S06E02)
  • "How are you smiling?"
    "'Cause he's one of those friendly villains, like the Verizon guy who defected to Sprint." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S06E02)
  • "Shawn, I have reason to believe that humans might be, on average, better than the point system suggests they are."
    "Counterpoint: Humans are terrible. Limp Bizkit, slavery… The prosecution rests." (The Good Place, S03E12)

(The Good Place, S03E12)

  • "When you fail, and you will, I've got something special cooked up for your four little friends."
    "Let me guess, they're gonna be tortured with penis flatteners and bees with teeth. You are so predictable. Why don't you at least switch it up once in a while? Try using…teeth flatteners and bees with penises." (The Good Place, S03E12)
  • "It's going to be so amazing watching your four BFFs look so sad and betrayed and confused as you, their reformed demon daddy, unleash a swarm of…penis bees. I invented those. That was me." (The Good Place, S03E12)
  • "I have to buy groceries so you can eat, return your 'white people are bad at jumping' video before we get charged…" (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E11)
  • Insane Clown Posse concert (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E11)
  • "Doesn't he remind you of someone?"
    "No, I was thinking more like a boiled Ryan Gosling." (Sex Education, S01E02)
  • ♫: The The – "This Is the Day" (Sex Education, S01E03)
  • "I had a sex dream about Maeve."
    "Oh, my God. Tell me everything. Was it ALS Challenge or just your basic dick sneeze?" (Sex Education, S01E03)
  • "Why don't you start by telling me your earliest memory of your scrotum?" (Sex Education, S01E04)
  • "We're not doing the clinic as much, so I got plenty of time to get on with my normal life and do normal things."
    "Like feel sad and play Smash Bros.?" (Sex Education, S01E05)
  • "It… [sighs] It cannot be all your vaginas."
    "I also have a vagina!" (Sex Education, S01E05)
  • ♫: Ezra Furman – "The Good Book" (Sex Education, S01E06)

(Sex Education, S01E08)

  • Sex Education Season 1 Grade: B

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Who Is America?