Get happy or get your ass out


Let's judge this book by its cover:

Hot or not?

Oh it was filmed in Thailand! And the victims are all lesbians!

Allie has to decide fast… stay in this human cesspool and track down the killer, or return home to Detroit.

She chooses the less disturbing and dangerous option.

Bangkok. She chooses to stay in Bangkok.

Obviously people abbreviate and use accepted shorthand when texting, but this is ridiculous. "Sry sum dork naybr" and "no wz awsum, seriosly" are some of the more legible examples.

And while I'm no connoisseur of sexy-time chat-rooms, I find it hard to believe mimes make a habit of hanging out in them. [source]

#OMGWTFDVD

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

49. Michael Jackson's "Black Or White" video morphing HANNITIZED (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Terry loves kreplach." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • "I had an airtight break-up plan in place. I made a reservation next Thursday at a well-lit Korean restaurant in Midtown. It's the least romantic place I could think of." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • "Now I know how Salieri felt." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • [fires gun] "Shut up…" (The Walking Dead, S05E08)
  • "Cupcake-flavoured ice cream served on a waffle. Pizza tacos. Robot cake. Hot fudge car wash." (Bob's Burgers, S05E05)
  • "There's no such thing as an innocent fart anymore." (Getting On, S02E04)


(Getting On, S02E04)

  • "I'm studying anogenital distances, gender flips, vaginal atrophy, I have been invited to participate in the Cochran study on anal augmentation for female fecal incontinence…" (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "We can no longer sweep female fecal incontinence under the rug." (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "It was the harmless transmission of an errant vulva." (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "I'm a damn feminist who loves purses. Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings? In a purse. That's where."
    "Lena Dunham… [pause] I don't know… I–" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • "What's your favourite thing about America?"
    "Kentucky women."
    "Favourite part of The Rock?"
    "'Welcome to the Rock.'" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • "Now she works whenever she wants. It's a scam called 'consulting.'" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • Drink every time Chibs or Tig receives a phone call and informs Jax what his next scene is (Sons of Anarchy, S07E12)
  • "Go home, Wayne."
    "I can't do that. This is all I got left." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E12)
  • "Leave."
    [grabs leaves] (Modern Family, S06E09)
  • "There is not an Esther Choi on Earth who needs math tutoring." (Modern Family, S06E09)
  • "You race card, sir."
    "Ah, my African-American Express." (Black-ish, S01E09)
  • "Freemium gaming destroys lives. I lost my father to Candy Crush." (South Park, S18E09)
  • "All I do is rip off Missy." (South Park, S18E09)
  • "Death would be preferable to Tampa." (American Horror Story, S04E08)
  • It's matricide week on FX (American Horror Story, S04E08)
  • "I'm not going back to Instagram." (Babylon, S01E04)
  • 2Pac's "California Love" HANNITIZED (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "I'm using Asian condiments to loosen these cuffs." (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "What do you think Drag-On is up to now?" (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)


(The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)

  • "Some garbage is OK." (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "His first name is a crime. Please welcome Rob Corddry." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E18)
  • "813.54."
    "You still remember my Dewey Decimal number."
    "Zero."
    "You still remember the amount of times I've had sex." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E18)
  • "I have a thyroid issue, like my father before me." (Saturday Night Live, S40E08)

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: Portland, OR

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I trekked out to a bakery in northeast Portland, and it had closed early so that the staff could go apple picking, because of course.


October 2014

nong's khao man gai / pacific pie company / salt and straw / le pigeon / cool moon ice cream / lardo sandwiches / lauretta jean's / bunk sandwiches / veritable quandary / ox / blue star donuts / the people's pig / i heart this cart


Gold Stars


Five Chilled Seafood Preparations (Ox)
oregon bay shrimp ceviche, dungeness crab cocktail, octopus poke, scallop salad "dynamite," salmon gravlax tartare

Roasted Brussels Sprouts
"everything" bagel seasoning, chive mascarpone, smoked salmon roe
—Deli-cious.


Avocado and Cantaloupe (Le Pigeon)
fluke, saffron, ginger, chilies

Chicken and Oxtail (Le Pigeon)
semolina gnocchi, taleggio, green beans, tomato crema


Foie Gras Profiterole[s] (Le Pigeon)
caramel sauce, sea salt

Apple Sour Cream Streusel Pie (Pacific Pie Company)



Khao Man Gai [Chicken and Rice] (Nong's Khao Man Gai)

I saw Nong on Chopped and sought out her food cart. Served in butcher paper, her khao man gai puts Hainanese chicken rice to shame.


I effort to try a chocolate pecan pie in every city I visit.

Chocolate Bourbon Hazelnut Pie (Pacific Pie Company)

Looks like a chocolate pecan pie, tastes like a Ferrero Rocher. I dug it.

Passion Fruit and Cocoa Nib Donut (Blue Star Donuts)
Blueberry Bourbon Basil Donut (Blue Star Donuts)



Foie Gras Terrine (Ox)
pear prosciutto, pickled chanterelles, malted white chocolate, salted pear reduction, croutons

Foie gras and malted white chocolate? I had to try it.

It confirmed my distaste for creamy foie gras. Seared foie gras? Delicious. Creamy foie gras? NOPE.

Pigeon Noodles (Le Pigeon)
parmesan, black pepper, strawberry, turnip
—Not noodles made of pigeon, just a pasta dish. Wish it was better.



[Dracula's] Blood Pudding Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)

It tasted like spumoni.


Salt Cod Sandwich (Bunk)
olympic provisions spanish chorizo, oil cured olives, italian parsley

I'm done with salt cod. Its intriguing name tricks you into ordering a bland and texturally off-putting fish. Won't get fooled again.

Pork Belly Gyro (Lardo)
feta, cucumber, tzatziki, tomato, aardvark sauce

Dirty Fries (Lardo)
pork scraps, marinated peppers, fried herbs, parmesan


Missed Connections


Fried Chicken Donut (Blue Star Donuts)
a glazed doughnut topped with a fried chicken breast chunks tossed with honey butter, with a packet of frank's red hot

[sigh] They sold out just as I walked in.


Clam Chowder (Ox)
smoked marrow bone, green onion, jalapeño

Duck Confit Spring Rolls (Veritable Quandary)
wasabi ginger sauce

Chinese Sausage Corn Dog (Expatriate)
hot mustard, xxx death sauce

Hot and Sour Indian Spiced Fries (Expatriate)
cilantro-raita aioli, house curry ketchup, sumac ranch

Expatriate Nacho[s] (Expatriate)
fried wonton chips, thai chili cheese sauce, spicy lemongrass beef, crema, kaffir lime, tomato salsa, herbs

PB and J Fries (Potato Champion)
fries topped with satay sauce and a smokey chipotle raspberry jam


ASBO and Proud

The Wolfpack / U.S.A. (Director: Crystal Moselle) — Six bright teenage brothers have spent their entire lives locked away from society in a Manhattan housing project. All they know of the outside is gleaned from the movies they watch obsessively (and recreate meticulously). Yet as adolescence looms, they dream of escape, ever more urgently, into the beckoning world.

[pause]

THIS IS A DOCUMENTARY?!?!

#Dogtooth

Bonded by the extreme circumstances of their childhood — never allowed to leave their tiny family apartment, never allowed to cut their hair, never introduced to the Internet, and almost no contact with the outside world — they became near-mythical characters.

Through their television — loaded with a library of Scorsese and Tarantino — the boys found their biggest moral compass.

Dressed like Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs, the over-caffeinated brothers, ranging in age from 13 to 20, eventually display the psychological repercussions of constant reclusion. This culminates in one brother's escape from the family apartment while donning the mask of Halloween's Michael Myers, which results in his admission to a mental hospital. [source]

Welp, looks like I have a most anticipated film of 2015.


Laxachusetts

Disney's The Breakfast Club
The brain = Marvel/Star Wars
The athlete = ESPN
The basket case = A&E
The princess = ABC Family/Lifetime
The criminal = Maker Studios


Wikia descriptions of season 14 Degrassi characters:

Mike Dallas, the multi-layered alphamale and teen dad repeating Grade 12.

Clare Edwards, the strong-willed, intellectual, compassionate, and sometimes sneaky Student Body VP who has beat cancer and is currently pregnant.

Miles Hollingsworth III, a billionaire bad-boy with charisma who was expelled from boarding school for arson who is bisexual.

Maya Matlin, a young cello virtuoso who is trying to move forward in her life after her late boyfriend's suicide.

Zoë Rivas, a former West Drive star with a passion for fashion who uses her looks, charm, and deviousness to get her way while also trying to cope with her recent sexual assault.


UPDATE: Someone catalogued every sexual assault in Degrassi history!

Lucy and Susie were sexually harassed by Mr. Colby at Degrassi Junior High School.

Wheels was almost molested in a car by a random stranger while he was hitchhiking.

Liz was molested by her mother's ex-boyfriend as a young girl.

Emma was held captive in a hotel room by a pedophile and was almost raped.

Paige was raped by Dean at a party.

Darcy was raped by a serial rapist who spiked teenage girls' drinks at a party.

Jane was molested by her father, Carlos Valieri.

K.C. was almost forced to have sex with a hooker hired by Coach Carson against his will as well as had him watching porn.

Connor was almost molested in a car by his internet stalker.

Bianca was forced into sex with Vince on numerous occassions and was almost raped by her ex-boyfriend Anson.

Clare was sexually harassed by her former boss, Asher.

Maya was sexually harassed by Neil following being cyber bullied and slut shamed online.

Zoë was raped by Luke and Neil at a party.

Tristan was statutory raped by Mr. Yates.

Winston was almost groped by Mr. Yates.

Guided By Vices


Why didn't I think of this?

Idea: A Photoshopped image of Kevin Smith in age-appropriate clothing, à la normal-looking Guy Fieri.

Reality Competition Idea: Project Runway, but with sneaker customizers. Sneaker customization challenges.

Game Show Idea: Maroom 5. Win $5000 for every consecutive hour you spend in a lightly-furnished room in which Maroon 5 songs play non-stop. Viewers of an online live feed control the playlist.

Idea: A history of film cameos by Matt Damon.

IFC did one in 2009.
—Hmmph.

Idea: An updated history of film cameos by Matt Damon, one that includes The Zero Theorem and Interstellar.

Infographic Idea: Spread of the Living Dead. After seeing a trailer for a Nigerian zombie film, I wondered how many countries have produced a zombie film.

Film Idea: An adaptation of Speed set on a Chinatown bus traveling from Philadelphia to New York City. The twist ending: All of the characters on the Chinatown bus are personalities of a man with extreme dissociative identity disorder….who happens to be a passenger on the bus in the film Speed!

Cars Can't Snowboard

Jon: I've been cramming 2014 music in search of selections for my year-end mix, having failed to stay on top of music this year.
Adam: Tell me about it. It's next to impossible to keep up when you have an adult life.
Jon: I totally understand now why Grammy nominations are so lame. Music is a young man's game.

Jon: Did I tell you the cover art for my mix?
Adam: The True Detective/Spaceballs mash-up?
Jon: No, I reluctantly had to abandon that idea. I couldn't make it work as cover art, and couldn't in good conscience waste Jon Wilcox's time illustrating something that has no reason to exist except for my pleasure.

Jon: How much do you think a freelance artist would charge? And would one even bite? "I want a True Detective/Spaceballs mash-up for pleasure."

Jon: Yeah, FIGHT SCENES OF THE YEAR is coming along – seventh annual! I'm also considering CINEMATOGRAPHY OF THE YEAR and THE YEAR IN BONERS montages.
Adam: Are you doing a BEST FILMS list?
Jon: Ehh… I tried drafting a list, but after 1. Whiplash and 2. The Tribe, I don't have any strong feelings. I'm doing a BEST TELEVISION SHOWS list, though. In fact, it's pretty much finalized.

1. Hannibal
2. Nathan For You
3. The Eric Andre Show
4. Rick and Morty
5. Shameless
6. Veep
7. Utopia [UK]
8. Looking
9. Game of Thrones
10. Fargo

Jon: I'm waiting on the Black Mirror Christmas special for BEST TELEVISION EPISODES.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

48. Pain for pleasure (The Amazing Race, S25E09)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "I could not get enough of the ponies." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E08)
  • "The only way to make things right is to do the worst, most awful thing imaginable."
    "Dip your penis in vinegar." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E08)
  • "Some things might come easier to you if you stop being such a perfectionist, a concept you should become…familiar with."
    "Familiar with… A dangling preposition?"
    "I'm setting an example. I made an error, and I'm not going to correct it. I'm just going to let it dangle, dangle, dangle." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E08)
  • Ricky Jay: "We're not magicians." (Getting On, S02E03)
  • "Jacuzzi filled with nipples…" (Mr. Pickles, S01E10)
  • Mr. Pickles Season Grade: C
  • "You really scared me, Master Bruce. If you die… Who employs butlers anymore?" (Gotham, S01E10)
  • "Jess brought me a hot lunch lady. What am I supposed to do with that?"
    "Do sex with the lunch lady. That's obvious."
    "I know how it sounds, but she's, like, a real lunch lady."
    "After she has sex with you, she could put food in your mouth." (New Girl, S04E09)
  • "Rooney is my people." (New Girl, S04E09)


LOOK WHO'S BACK (Degrassi, S14E05)

  • Drinking beer with a straw (Friends of the People, S01E05)
  • Young Maurice the god – ha! (Friends of the People, S01E05)
  • "I'm not wearing any underwear."
    "Then how do you block the dookies? Do they just fall out?" (Friends of the People, S01E05)
  • "That dude, whoever owns Boingo, got a boat, probably." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)


Poob implants (The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)


Mac DeMarco does his own stunts (The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)


(The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)

  • Curtain rod on subway train gag (Broad City, S01E04)
  • Broad City Season Grade: D+
  • Restaurant Startup Season Grade: B
  • Rescuing/reviving frozen Ricky (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • Ricky's previous mishaps montage (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • "That's why the A-Team was probably so good, 'cause they got this little shortcut-y path thing right here in the middle." (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)


(Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)

  • "♫ I am like the wind / You can blow me anytime / Just take me in your mouth / And blow me ♫" (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • "Calm the fuck down, Home Alone." (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • "Gary LaserEyes is infested!" (Trailer Park Boys, S08E05)
  • Liquor ball sandwiches (Trailer Park Boys, S08E05)
  • Bubbles in the laundromat (Trailer Park Boys, S08E05)


(Trailer Park Boys, S08E07)


Drake (Trailer Park Boys, S08E07)

  • Directed by Cory? (Trailer Park Boys, S08E08)
  • The mortician swinging a hair dryer (Trailer Park Boys, S08E08)


Civil Rights Movement shirt (Trailer Park Boys, S08E08)

  • "Help my fuck" – Tyrone's catchphrase (Trailer Park Boys, S08E09)
  • Directed by Jay Baruchel? (Trailer Park Boys, S08E10)
  • Trailer Park Boys Season Grade: C+
  • "They went to the Beverly Center with him like that, mom."
    "Ew! No one goes to the Beverly Center." (Transparent, S01E05)
  • "Is this Zankou? Where's the garlic stuff?" (Transparent, S01E09)
  • "You're fucking the rabbi?" (Transparent, S01E09)
  • Transparent Season Grade: C+

#clipoftheweek