Band-Aids don't fix bullet holes


Some ads are more equal than others.


Mariah Carey will be the new face of "Game of War."

Producers of the mobile game have inked a seven figure deal with Mariah, who replaces Kate Upton, for which the singer will shoot a 30-second commercial. The shoot will last two days and the guy in charge is the director for "Terminator Genisys."

One of the big selling points is that Mariah's music will be part of the spot. [source]

Oh lord…


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

24. Blood on the dance floor (Penny Dreadful, S02E06)


Honourable Mention

  • R-Truth thinks he's in Money In The Bank (WWE Raw, 06-08-15)
  • A corpse flayed and folded into something resembling a human heart unfolds itself and reforms as a half man, half stag, with hooves and antlers (Hannibal, S03E02)

Stray Observations

  • Giant burrito (Cutthroat Kitchen, S08E04)
  • "Anal dilation aside, what do you think of our case?" (Silicon Valley, S02E09)
  • ♫: Art of Noise – "Close (to the Edit)" (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E02)
  • Every nickname assigned to Jonah (Veep, S04E09)
  • "My college friends called me 'Tall McCartney.'" (Veep, S04E09)
  • "I was getting some medicine."
    "What kind of medicine?"
    "It's…knee medicine."
    "Knee…medicine."
    "I have problems with my left knee. It hurts when I crouch."
    "What was the name of the medicine?"
    "Umm, I want to say, it's called, uhh,…Crouch Cream." (Veep, S04E09)
  • "Girls won't fuck you if you're not a feminist." (China, IL, S03E09)
  • "How was your weekend?"
    "Great. So great, man. I got a lot out of my system – namely, semen." (China, IL, S03E09)
  • Hulk Hogan eating Julia Roberts' pube (China, IL, S03E09)
  • "…now that the love of my life is gonna shoot out of the dean's ass in a few hours." (China, IL, S03E09)
  • Canned corn in a dessert (MasterChef, S06E05)
  • "Your grits give me the shits." (MasterChef, S06E05)
  • "God can't save any of us because it's inelegant. Elegance is more important than suffering. That's his design." (Hannibal, S03E02)
  • "A valentine written on a broken man." (Hannibal, S03E02)
  • I keep thinking Ben Feldman is Thomas Ian Nicholas (Childrens Hospital, S06E13)
  • Helena as Alison (Orphan Black, S03E09)
  • Castor is Leda! Leda is Castor! Castor is a woman! (Orphan Black, S03E09)
  • "Nice is for cowards and Democrats." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E02)

#clipoftheweek

Truculent

Nickelodeon is partnering with Carmelo Anthony on a line of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles inspired consumer products.

The New York Knicks star will serve as creative director of Turtles by Melo. It is expected to span lifestyle products, home furnishings, publishing, video games and more. [source]

TURTLES BY MELO

Her placenta falls to the floor

China, ravenous for American event movies, has been a particularly harsh blow. Tomorrowland bowed to $13.8 million there in early June, getting trounced by the $38.3 million opening of Stand by Me Doraemon. [source]


Am I the only person frustrated by the state of hand drying in public washrooms?

Clothes
Unsanitary.

Paper Towel
One is never enough.

Classic Hand Dryer
Takes bloody forever.

Dyson Airblade
Better in theory than in practice.

‎XLERATOR
Gets the floor beneath it all wet and gross.


Dyson Combination Sink Tap/Hand Dryer
Splashback. Like rinsing a spoon.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

23. WHITEWALKAZ!!!! (Game of Thrones, S05E08)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • The band Mastodon played wildlings (Game of Thrones, S05E08)
  • More like Lord of Broken Bones, amirite? (Game of Thrones, S05E08)
  • "He's prettier than both my daughters, but he knows how to fight." (Game of Thrones, S05E08)


(Game of Thrones, S05E08)


(Game of Thrones, S05E08)

  • I didn't recognize Gordon at first (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E01)
  • "What are you doing? This is Palo Alto. People are lunatics about smoking here. We don't enjoy all the freedoms that you have in China." (Silicon Valley, S02E08)
  • "He's not gonna do shit. He's a coder."
    "By definition, we're all pussies." (Silicon Valley, S02E08)
  • "Join the circle jerk. Grab a dick." (Veep, S04E08)
  • "Well, this is a long glass of frozen strawberry fuck-up." (Veep, S04E08)
  • "You think I wanna be in this fuckin' Minecraft piece of shit?" (Veep, S04E08)
  • "You colossal fuckin' fanny pack!" (Veep, S04E08)
  • "You're parasites. You're like an infestation of mediocrity. I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster. You're Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin. And Nazi doctor." (Veep, S04E08)
  • "All sad people like poetry. Happy people like songs." (Penny Dreadful, S02E05)
  • RT: That, uh, that was some sex, huh? (Penny Dreadful, S02E05)
  • "Shut up and do as I say, or else you are a Chris Brown." (China, IL, S03E08)
  • "I didn't shit right!" (China, IL, S03E08)
  • F bomb! (Community, S06E13)
  • Jeff standing up and removing his shirt in Dean Pelton's pitch (Community, S06E13)
  • Tom Waits adjace version of the theme song (Community, S06E13)
  • Two F bombs! (Community, S06E13)
  • "I want to have an opinion about those [looks around] boring-ass Marvel movies." (Community, S06E13)
  • "I want to have so much behind me I'm not a slave to what's in front of me, especially these [looks around] flavourless, unremarkable Marvel movies." (Community, S06E13)
  • RT: One last dig at Port and Guarascio, as Chang explains, "I farted during the fourth one. It's an inside joke." (Community, S06E13)
  • Community Season Grade: C+
  • "Bonsoir." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "Smells of candy apples and thyme. You smoked me in thyme."
    "Smoked, glazed, served on a sugar cane quill. You'll be falling off the bone." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "This isn't cannibalism, Abel. It's only cannibalism if we're equals." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "You no longer have ethical concerns, Hannibal. You have aesthetical ones."
    "Ethics become aesthetics." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "Your peace is without morality."
    "Morality doesn't exist. Only morale." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "I've taken off my person suit." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "Will Graham was not a suitable substitute for therapy." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "My wife and I would love to have you for dinner." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • Bedelia eating oysters and acorns (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "My husband has a very sophisticated palate. He's very particular about how I taste."
    "Is it that kind of party?" (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • Zachary Quinto cameo (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "You overestimate my affection for the genuine Dr. Fell. Clearly, you found him as distasteful as I did."
    "On the contrary." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "Observe or participate?" (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "You're leaving in the middle of a show?"
    "I'm like Gladiator – I want to beat Traffic." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E20)
  • "I just hope my last dying word isn't something stupid like 'nardmaster.'" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E20)
  • "What is that thing?"
    "This thing is Wes Borland." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S03E01)

#clipoftheweek


What does a rancher have to be so jolly about?

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I run outside every day, a 90-minute route around my neighbourhood.


As my bladder is not what it used to be, I frequently have to pee during runs. Fortunately, I live in an area where homes are constantly changing owners, so porta-potties for remodelers constantly pop up outside homes.

While I generally slink in and out of strangers' porta-potties with no issue, I have been caught empty-bladdered a few times.

One time, at night, I bounded out of a porta-potty beside a home's side gate as its female owner pulled into the driveway, and I think I scared her, because the next day, the porta-potty was gone.

Another time, I exited a porta-potty beside a home's side gate as the couple who owned the home were walking up the driveway. Panicked at seeing them, I blew past the female owner as she tried to grab my left arm and continued on my route. 10 minutes later, while running through a different region of my neighbourhood, I heard a woman shouting in my direction. The couple was following me in their car. Not sure what to do, I acted like they didn't exist and just kept running. Eventually, they relented.

Which brings me to today.

I reach the final porta-potty currently on my route (one beside a home's side gate), debate whether or not to pee, and decide to be safe than sorry.

So I pee, like, two fingers, and as I'm about to exit, I hear a father and daughter outside the door.

Shit.

What do I do? If I exit right now, I might scare them, and I'll definitely raise questions.

Just explain that you really needed to pee and couldn't hold it in any longer. The father will understand.

Will he, though?

You just had to be safe, didn't you, Jon?

By the time I had worked up enough courage to exit and explain myself, the pee explanation no longer worked.

He'll wonder why I was in the porta-potty for so long if I was just peeing. Will he understand me pooing outside his home?

Well, the only other option is to wait them out.

It's dusk. How long could they be outside for?

I end up standing still inside the porta-potty for 30 minutes.

Rory: Maybe don't use porta-potties beside side gates anymore.

Paint a vulgar picture


Cheese pizza pizza


Jon: It was a paper container for food from the hot bar at Whole Foods. So it's paper – recycle. But the inside of the container is coated with something to prevent liquid from seeping through the paper, so….garbage. But the coating might be biodegradable – compost?

Jon: The example items listed on the bins weren't helpful.

Mobile App Idea: You photograph something and it tells you if it's garbage, recycle, or compost.


Imagine a world where Gordon Ramsey has one terrible shithole of a bar/nightclub, but is convinced it will succeed. What would happen if Jon Taffer rescued it? [source]

Story Idea: A man offers food and shelter to homeless veterans, and in exchange, they kill people for him. Experienced expendable assassins.

Idea: A sequel to Sleepaway Camp in which Caitlyn Jenner plays a much older Angela raising the transgender daughter of disapproving parents she killed.


Idea: A slasher film set in the world of alt comedy.

Jon: How would Chelsea Peretti react if her life was in grave danger?
Jon: Picture Chelsea Peretti running scared from a masked person wielding a hatchet.

Mike: Patton Oswalt issues a series of tweets pleading for the lives of his friends, "explaining" why the killer won't win.

Mike: Brett Gelman dies in a strange theatre piece and no one realizes it. He's murdered in front of everyone.
Jon: That's the opening scene. Then… Who dies first – Hannibal Buress or Ron Funches?

Jon: Some try to hide from the killer as characters they play.
Jon: "Huell Howser" running scared.