Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

46. Freemium Gaming 101 (South Park, S18E06)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "The girls' bathroom is nice. Each stall has a tiny metal mailbox. I'm glad I was carrying around that postcard for Ken." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "We don't know if that's water or urine you're lying in."
    "I think it's just water. Yeah, water. No, pee." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "She got catfished by a box." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "Where's Tina? Crying into her butt?"
    "No, my butt is dry, and strong." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "Gene, it's okay to watch Kitchen Nightmares alone." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "Home Depot, I don't wanna fuck an Asian daughter!" (Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, 11-02-14)
  • Katia Winter's hips – O_O (Sleepy Hollow, S02E07)
  • "I must Internet immediately." (Sleepy Hollow, S02E07)
  • "I've always really wanted to make a chicken liver pâté." (MasterChef Junior, S02E01)
  • "I'll take him to a water park, I will. I'll put him on one of those water slides between two obese people and he'll get smushed to death. He'll die between the obese people before he drowns in the water." (New Girl, S04E06)
  • The new opening credits stink (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "Would you like a green grape shoved in your— given to your mouth…handed to your mouth?" (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "I've never seen someone sweat so much in my life. It looks like your body is crying." (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "I once walked by my mother sleeping and I snuck in the room and I put a lemon in her mouth." (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "I understand what you're saying about killing all the black people. When we do, maybe we could just…not kill Will Smith?" (Friends of the People, S01E02)
  • "I guess the KKK will only hate John Cusack?" (Friends of the People, S01E02)
  • "Soon Canada will be as advanced and developed as Michigan." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "It's the Canadian devil."
    "Beelzaboot." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "When you get involved with freemium gaming, you are making a deal with the Canadian devil." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "Canada is back to being an ethical, respected, shitty tundra." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "Mayonnaise has healing properties." (The League, S06E10)
  • Tiny woman's tiny violin (American Horror Story, S04E05)
  • "This body is America – strong, violent, and full of limitless potential. (American Horror Story, S04E05)
  • "I will be the U.S. Steel of murder." (American Horror Story, S04E05)
  • "Don't fuck with the Peaky Blinders." (Peaky Blinders, S02E06)
  • Peaky Blinders Season Grade: C-
  • "Katt Williams… More like Fatt Williams."
    "Next joke! Katt Williams is very thin!" (The Eric Andre Show, S03E01)
  • "Was that your wife? ..Your girlfriend? …Mistress? ….Sister?"
    "She's just some bitch I fucked after I went to see Raisin in the Sun starring Denzel Washington." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E01)
  • "I did Zaxxon." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E14)


Do Lieutenant Dan have legs in real life?

"Press F to pay respects." (Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare)

"Press A to pay your respects." (Batman: Arkham City)

"Press □ to kiss your wife stealthily." (Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor)

"Press F to cut leg." (Battlefield 4)

"Press E to jump in mass grave." (Homefront)

"Press A to make a stink pickle." (Deadpool)

"Press X to 'Jason!'" (Heavy Rain)

"Press △ to John Bender." (Ace Combat: Assault Horizon)

hat tip GamesBeat

Eater's Digest: Toronto 2

Previously on Adam Riff™: Eater's Digest: Toronto

September 2014

fat pasha / big crow / 416 snack bar / the black hoof / la carnita / sneaky dee's / banh mi boys / second cup / linwood essentials / oddseoul / seven lives / chantecler / patois / bar isabel / hero certified burgers / poptopia / beast / porchetta & co. / this end up / big smoke burger / smoke's poutinerie

Thanks to Nick the Butcher for his tips.

Gold Stars

Sweetbread Karaage (The Black Hoof)
compressed watermelon, white anchovy, scallion mayo

The Black Hoof has become my go-to restaurant in Toronto. No duds yet.

[Ancho Chili Powdered] Tortilla Chips (La Carnita)
guacamole, corn salsa, serrano and cashew bean dip

"Poutine" (Beast)
fried gnocchi, bbq beef brisket, cheese curds, creme fraiche

Porchetta Sandwich (Porchetta & Co.)
4 oz. of porchetta, crackling

Basque Cake (Bar Isabel)
sherry cream

Spicy Popcorn Shrimp (Chantecler)
popcorn, morita pepper

Shrimp breaded in popcorn and deep fried – EH?!

This was the best thing I ate in Toronto this visit. So wonderfully crunchy. All deep-fried food should be breaded in popcorn.

I effort to try a chocolate pecan pie in every city I visit.

Chocolate Pecan Pie Popcorn (Poptopia)
chocolate and caramel coated kernals, crunchy pecans


This mostly just ate like caramel corn.

Whole Sea Bream Ceviche (Bar Isabel)

Fish served in the fish from whence it came.

Fat Pasha is the Middle Eastern / European Jewish third of Anthony Rose's "Dupont Holy Trinity," which also includes a diner (Rose and Sons) and a barbecue joint (Big Crow).

Nanaimo Bar (Big Crow)

Chopped Liver a la Sammies Roumanian (Fat Pasha)
schmaltz, gribenes, onions, radish, egg, grateful bread challah

A gut-buster of a spread, done in the style of Sammy's Roumanian Steakhouse in New York City, and mixed tableside. That yellow dispenser in the photo is schmaltz [liquid chicken fat], which the contents of the bowl are doused in.

I really dug the addition of gribenes [chicken crackling].

Ice Cream Sandwich (Fat Pasha)
caramelized chocolate matzoh, boreal gelato, manischewitz jelly

Not sure how to eat. The treated matzoh is adamantine and the jelly is…garnish?

Nutella Babka Bread Pudding (Fat Pasha)
maple syrup, vanilla yoghurt, hazelnuts, shredded halva

The halva was seductive-tasting.

The Breakfast Sandwich (Beast)
grilled pork belly, pickled onions, kozlik's sweet and smokey mustard, lettuce, and a fried egg in an apple fritter, with house potatoes

Sounds way better in print. The apple fritter was a feeble apple fritter – and a dry one – and the pork belly was tough.

Patois is an Asian-Caribbean fusion restaurant. The chef is a Chinese dude who grew up in Jamaica.

Kimchi Potstickers "Pierogi Style" (Patois)
caramelized onions, bacon, kimchi sour cream, scallions

Dirty Fried Rice (Patois)
red sausage, sweet soya sauce, cajun trinity, peas, farm egg
—Didn't taste Cajun-y enough for my liking.

O.G. Fried Chicken and Watermelon Pickle (Patois)
thai basil, sweet sriracha

Toronto is straight killing the fried chicken game right now.

Eat also:

Catalan Fried Chicken (Linwood Essentials)
dark meat, prunes, almonds, brandy

Eggplant Double Down (416 Snack Bar)
quinoa-studded fried eggplant, buffalo mozzarella, arugula, housemade tomato sauce

Missed Connections

Jamaican Patty Double Down (Patois)
two cocktail patties, bacon, swiss cheese fondue, sriracha

Jerk Chicken Chow Mein (Patois)

Pineapple Bun Bread Pudding with Boozey Raisins (Patois)

Crispy Frog Cobb Salad (America)
avocado, cactus, smokey blue, sauce piquante

Chicken Liver Agnolotti (Porzia)
honey mushrooms, 15 year old balsamic

Blood Taglietelle (Porzia)
'nduja, zucchini sofrito, burrata

Labatt Breakfast (Beast)
your choice of smoked beast bacon, grilled luis suarez chorizo, or peameal bacon served with two eggs any style, toast, house potatoes, and an ice cold bottle of fifty

Crackie (Porchetta & Co.)
pork crackling, chocolate chips

A chocolate chip pig skin cookie. Yessir.

Press F to Pay Respects

Cupertino School Board Candidate Admits Violent Past

In 2009, an infuriated [Chris] Zhang, then 35 years old, marched down to a badminton class to confront a man he knew on the Internet as George Wu, an online comments moderator for a Chinese immigrants forum.

Zhang, who kept arguing with other users on the website, was kicked off for "being abrasive." But then he started directing his angst at Wu, sending him increasingly nasty comments, like, "Fuck your mother for being an unfair bitch … I'll fuck you up," and, "You better not run into me in real life … I got your picture now, you little piece of shit."

Unlike most online trolls, Zhang made good on his threat. He tracked Wu down through a message board comment saying that Wu was going to play badminton that day in Milpitas. Zhang went down to tell him off and rough him up. When he arrived, he put his arm around Wu and said in Chinese, "Do you know who I am?" That set off a scuffle that left both men with swollen wrists.

Zhang put Wu in a chokehold, pushed him to the floor, punched his stomach and somehow injured his wrist. "I don't have a perfect past," Zhang admitted, dismissing the incident as a symptom of him being "a reckless bachelor."

I can't decide what my favourite part of this story is:

Confronting an online comments moderator for a Chinese immigrants forum at a badminton class?

The line "fuck your mother for being an unfair bitch"?

The scuffle leaving both men with swollen wrists?

Attributing the incident to reckless bachelorhood at age 35?

Cupertino is heavily Taiwanese. I wonder if George Wu is mainland Chinese.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

45. Too Many Cooks, 10-28-14

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Think about the things you want in life, and then picture yourself in a dress." (Boardwalk Empire, S05E08)
  • Tommy shoots Nucky in the same spot under the eye where the fatal bullet hit Jimmy (Boardwalk Empire, S05E08)
  • RT: "Did #BoardwalkEmpire finale cut Willie Thompson's scenes? Synopsis says he gives out info to US Attorney. But he wasn't in the episode" (Boardwalk Empire, S05E08)
  • Boardwalk Empire Season Grade: B
  • The creator of The Tick works on this show?! (Gotham, S01E06)
  • "I'm Lacy Wyatt, and this is the Gotham 7 Goat Watch." (Gotham, S01E06)
  • "You are a scurvy louse. You are a slop bucket." (Sleepy Hollow, S02E06)
  • "ChiefWiggum49 and Haloismybitch12 decided to frag me." (Sleepy Hollow, S02E06)
  • Face Off Season Grade: C
  • Melo! (Sons of Anarchy, S07E08)
  • "Is there another character in Where's Waldo?"
    "Wizard Whitebeard."
    "Okay. That'll be fun. I haven't gone out with a white beard since I took my cousin Sally to the prom." (Modern Family, S06E06)
  • This is why we need American Horror Story: to see Jessica Lange as a dominatrix and Patti LaBelle get her throat slit (American Horror Story, S04E04)
  • Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories Season Grade: B
  • "And that's why 'Monster Mash' was our wedding song. What was yours?"
    "Oh, it was 'Brick' by Ben Folds Five." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E13)
  • "I was like a pregnant woman in Texas – I had no choice." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E13)
  • "No fapping!" (Saturday Night Live, S40E05)


Finish Your Breakfast

Time is a flat circle.

I see that Our Lady Peace is still closing shows with (yecch!) "Starseed." Such a shit chaser to "4am."

How about closing with "Middle of Yesterday" or "Innocent," Raine?

I just remembered my music video idea for "Innocent": HBO's Oz, if the prison was populated only with toddlers and octogenarians. It ends with a toddler being fried in an electric chair.

Jon's Our Lady Peace phase #ScaryStoriesIn5Words

Shave your face with some mace in the dark

One of these things is not like the others…

Steven: wow, no sons of anarchy
Jon: you know a lot of hispanics who watch soa?
Steven: yes, my whole feed

I bet the Asian top five is similar to the Hispanic one.

White top five:
1. The Good Wife
2. The Mindy Project
3. Last Week Tonight
4. Parenthood
5. Key and Peele

I am whiskey, you are marijuana

Pepe: Guess who I ran into today? Jenny E_____. I mentioned you in conversation and her face soured. She was like, "He joked about my father dying of cancer."
Jon: What?

Jon: Okay, while I wouldn't put it past young me to do that, in 13 years of public school together, we barely associated. Why would I have joked about the father of someone whose life I was more or less unconscious of?

Jon: And what could I possibly have said that she's still pissed 14+ years later? "It might be a headache"? Cancer humour is not a strength of mine. AIDS, sure, but not cancer.

Jon: My lasting memory of Jenny E_____ is her repulsion when, during a rainy day lunch period in, like, fifth grade, I drew dicks on sheets of paper and then beheaded them with a paper cutter, mistakenly thinking I was circumcising them.

Closest thing to Michelle Pfeiffer that you've ever seen

Vince explained that he'd seen a video on the internet of a man having sex with a large, home-made lasagne.

He added: "It looked rather good fun, so I went to Tesco on the way home from work and invested in a lasagne. I'm not made of money, so I got one from their Value range."

"There were two staff members nearby when I bought it and neither warned 'Do not have sex with this product when it's piping hot.'"

"When I paid for it, the checkout girl did not say 'Do not have sex with this product when it is piping hot.' I got it home and saw the packaging said 'Check food is piping hot.' Again, NO mention of not having sex with the hot lasagne."

Is that a photo of the microwave lasagne that he stuck his dick in, or was someone assigned to style a microwave lasagne to look like a dick had been stuck in it?


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

44. Hollywood Wrap Up (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S01E06*)

* a 'television episode of the year' nominee

Honourable Mention

  • Incarnations of the Simpsons (The Simpsons, S26E04)
    [computer-animated, anime, Adventure Time, South Park, Archer, Sylvain Chomet, LEGO, Despicable Me, callback]
  • Gillian's letter (Boardwalk Empire, S05E07)
  • Tom Hardy and Noah Taylor talk (Peaky Blinders, S02E04)
  • Stupid cross-eyed animals (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E12)
  • Carrey Family Reunion (Saturday Night Live, S40E04)

Stray Observations

  • "He could be in Canada by now. There's so many forests up there. That country is one giant hiding place." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E04)
  • "I have to…make urines in dee toilet." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E04)
  • "You're the champagne of friends." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E04)
  • "School is cool. That's why it rhymes." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E04)
  • "I began by creating…a word cloud." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E04)
  • Mickey Doyle – cruel twist of fate (Boardwalk Empire, S05E07)
  • "You tell yourself it's quick, but you don't know. You can't know until it's you, and then you'll never tell anyone." (Boardwalk Empire, S05E07)
  • "Last time I took a shower, Mr. Pickles replaced my soap with a human face." (Mr. Pickles, S01E05)

(Gotham, S01E05)

  • "You're working in a…"
    "PlayStation game testing factory."
    "What kind of stuff do you do?"
    "Well, I shouldn't really be telling you this, but…we are developing a new button – the hexagon." (Bad Education, S03E06)
  • Bad Education Season Grade: C-
  • "Killing your mommy was an accident." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E07)
  • RT: A special Cutthroat Kitchen #hottake. Having $100 dollars when you opponent has $25,000 in the final round is bad. (Cutthroat Kitchen: Superstar Sabotage, S01E03)
  • "I always wanted a Spanish house. It would be like living in an El Torito." (Modern Family, S06E05)
  • "Frowny face stamp. I didn't know they made those."
    "I had to special order it from Germany." (Modern Family, S06E05)
  • "Whooping don't care what you are. An ass is an ass is an ass is an ass." (Black-ish, S01E05)
  • RT: This is why we need American Horror Story: to see Patti LaBelle do the Woody Woodpecker laugh. (American Horror Story, S04E03)
  • Todd English's face (Top Chef, S12E02)

(Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S01E06)

  • The Vandals! (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E12)