Lechuga

Jon: Identical twins. Male.
Rory: Okay…
Jon: From dusk until dawn, they swap bodies.
Rory: What if they are in different time zones?

Jon: When dusk hits for both of them, they swap bodies until dawn hits for both of them. So if one is in California, and the other is in the Arctic Circle, that complicates matters, as does travel.

Jon: How do you be in a relationship when you're not you at night?

Jon: Perhaps one twin is a middle school teacher and the other a gang enforcer.

Jon: Season two.
Rory: Oh a second season!
Jon: Second season or sequel. One of the twins is bitten by a vampire and becomes one. So he can't go outside during the day, and at night, he's someone else. Meanwhile, his brother must now spend his nights procuring blood.

Jon: Season threequel. The twin that's not a vampire becomes a werewolf.


Sharpening Imaginary Mustaches

Let's check in on Samuel L. Jackson's filmography.

Kite (2014)
A teenage girl becomes a merciless assassin in pursuit of the man who killed her father. A corrupt cop mentors her.

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
A veteran secret agent grooms a teenage delinquent into a super spy.

Barely Lethal (2015)
A teenage special ops agent coveting a "normal" adolescence fakes her own death and enrolls in a suburban high school.

Big Game (2014)
A teenager camping in the woods helps rescue the President of the United States when Air Force One is shot down near his campsite.

Moose (pre-production)
A teenage moose who witnesses his father getting killed by hunters treks to the cabin where the hunters are staying to save the rest of his tribe.

Everything must die for anyone to matter


Masturbators gonna bate bate bate bate bate and
Vibrators gonna brate brate brate brate brate
Oh here comes e-jac-u-late late late late late
Need a sock, or a cloth

Rory: Terrible.

My ex-man brought his new girlfriend
She's like "Oh my God," but I'm just gonna wank
And to the fella over there with the hella good hair
Won't you cum all over my face while I wank, wank, wank

Rory: [pause] This is why Adam Riff™ is blocked in schools.
Jon: I have others!

Upperclassmen gonna haze haze haze haze haze and
Buttholes are gonna ache ache ache ache ache
Angry parents gonna cry "rape" "rape" "rape" "rape"
Pay them off, pay them off

Jon: …No?

Wayne and Garth are gonna "way" "way" "way" "way" "way" and
Bill Hader's gonna break break break break break
As Stefon on Weekend Up-date date date date
S-N-L, S-N-L

Men on Film are gonna hate hate hate hate hate and
Homey ain't gonna play play play play pl—
Rory: Ehh…


Taylor Swift's discography isn't on Spotify, but these covers are:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

45. Freemium Gaming 101 (South Park, S18E06)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "The girls' bathroom is nice. Each stall has a tiny metal mailbox. I'm glad I was carrying around that postcard for Ken." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "We don't know if that's water or urine you're lying in."
    "I think it's just water. Yeah, water. No, pee." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "She got catfished by a box." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "Where's Tina? Crying into her butt?"
    "No, my butt is dry, and strong." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "Gene, it's okay to watch Kitchen Nightmares alone." (Bob's Burgers, S05E02)
  • "Home Depot, I don't wanna fuck an Asian daughter!" (Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, 11-02-14)
  • Katia Winter's hips – O_O (Sleepy Hollow, S02E07)
  • "I must Internet immediately." (Sleepy Hollow, S02E07)
  • "I've always really wanted to make a chicken liver pâté." (MasterChef Junior, S02E01)
  • "I'll take him to a water park, I will. I'll put him on one of those water slides between two obese people and he'll get smushed to death. He'll die between the obese people before he drowns in the water." (New Girl, S04E06)
  • The new opening credits stink (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "Would you like a green grape shoved in your— given to your mouth…handed to your mouth?" (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "I've never seen someone sweat so much in my life. It looks like your body is crying." (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "I once walked by my mother sleeping and I snuck in the room and I put a lemon in her mouth." (New Girl, S04E06)
  • "I understand what you're saying about killing all the black people. When we do, maybe we could just…not kill Will Smith?" (Friends of the People, S01E02)
  • "I guess the KKK will only hate John Cusack?" (Friends of the People, S01E02)
  • "Soon Canada will be as advanced and developed as Michigan." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "It's the Canadian devil."
    "Beelzaboot." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "When you get involved with freemium gaming, you are making a deal with the Canadian devil." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "Canada is back to being an ethical, respected, shitty tundra." (South Park, S18E06)
  • "Mayonnaise has healing properties." (The League, S06E10)
  • Tiny woman's tiny violin (American Horror Story, S04E05)
  • "This body is America – strong, violent, and full of limitless potential. (American Horror Story, S04E05)
  • "I will be the U.S. Steel of murder." (American Horror Story, S04E05)
  • "Don't fuck with the Peaky Blinders." (Peaky Blinders, S02E06)
  • Peaky Blinders Season Grade: C-
  • "Katt Williams… More like Fatt Williams."
    "Next joke! Katt Williams is very thin!" (The Eric Andre Show, S03E01)
  • "Was that your wife? ..Your girlfriend? …Mistress? ….Sister?"
    "She's just some bitch I fucked after I went to see Raisin in the Sun starring Denzel Washington." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E01)
  • "I did Zaxxon." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E14)

#clipoftheweek

Do Lieutenant Dan have legs in real life?


"Press F to pay respects." (Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare)


"Press A to pay your respects." (Batman: Arkham City)


"Press □ to kiss your wife stealthily." (Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor)


"Press F to cut leg." (Battlefield 4)


"Press E to jump in mass grave." (Homefront)


"Press A to make a stink pickle." (Deadpool)


"Press X to 'Jason!'" (Heavy Rain)


"Press △ to John Bender." (Ace Combat: Assault Horizon)

hat tip GamesBeat

Eater's Digest: Toronto 2

Previously on Adam Riff™: Eater's Digest: Toronto


September 2014

fat pasha / big crow / 416 snack bar / the black hoof / la carnita / sneaky dee's / banh mi boys / second cup / linwood essentials / oddseoul / seven lives / chantecler / patois / bar isabel / hero certified burgers / poptopia / beast / porchetta & co. / this end up / big smoke burger / smoke's poutinerie

Thanks to Nick the Butcher for his tips.


Gold Stars


Sweetbread Karaage (The Black Hoof)
compressed watermelon, white anchovy, scallion mayo

The Black Hoof has become my go-to restaurant in Toronto. No duds yet.

[Ancho Chili Powdered] Tortilla Chips (La Carnita)
guacamole, corn salsa, serrano and cashew bean dip

"Poutine" (Beast)
fried gnocchi, bbq beef brisket, cheese curds, creme fraiche

Porchetta Sandwich (Porchetta & Co.)
4 oz. of porchetta, crackling

Basque Cake (Bar Isabel)
sherry cream



Spicy Popcorn Shrimp (Chantecler)
popcorn, morita pepper

Shrimp breaded in popcorn and deep fried – EH?!

This was the best thing I ate in Toronto this visit. So wonderfully crunchy. All deep-fried food should be breaded in popcorn.


I effort to try a chocolate pecan pie in every city I visit.

Chocolate Pecan Pie Popcorn (Poptopia)
chocolate and caramel coated kernals, crunchy pecans

Twist!

This mostly just ate like caramel corn.



Whole Sea Bream Ceviche (Bar Isabel)

Fish served in the fish from whence it came.


Fat Pasha is the Middle Eastern / European Jewish third of Anthony Rose's "Dupont Holy Trinity," which also includes a diner (Rose and Sons) and a barbecue joint (Big Crow).

Nanaimo Bar (Big Crow)
—Heavenly.


Chopped Liver a la Sammies Roumanian (Fat Pasha)
schmaltz, gribenes, onions, radish, egg, grateful bread challah

A gut-buster of a spread, done in the style of Sammy's Roumanian Steakhouse in New York City, and mixed tableside. That yellow dispenser in the photo is schmaltz [liquid chicken fat], which the contents of the bowl are doused in.

I really dug the addition of gribenes [chicken crackling].


Ice Cream Sandwich (Fat Pasha)
caramelized chocolate matzoh, boreal gelato, manischewitz jelly

Not sure how to eat. The treated matzoh is adamantine and the jelly is…garnish?


Nutella Babka Bread Pudding (Fat Pasha)
maple syrup, vanilla yoghurt, hazelnuts, shredded halva

The halva was seductive-tasting.



The Breakfast Sandwich (Beast)
grilled pork belly, pickled onions, kozlik's sweet and smokey mustard, lettuce, and a fried egg in an apple fritter, with house potatoes

Sounds way better in print. The apple fritter was a feeble apple fritter – and a dry one – and the pork belly was tough.


Patois is an Asian-Caribbean fusion restaurant. The chef is a Chinese dude who grew up in Jamaica.

Kimchi Potstickers "Pierogi Style" (Patois)
caramelized onions, bacon, kimchi sour cream, scallions

Dirty Fried Rice (Patois)
red sausage, sweet soya sauce, cajun trinity, peas, farm egg
—Didn't taste Cajun-y enough for my liking.


O.G. Fried Chicken and Watermelon Pickle (Patois)
thai basil, sweet sriracha

Toronto is straight killing the fried chicken game right now.

Eat also:


Catalan Fried Chicken (Linwood Essentials)
dark meat, prunes, almonds, brandy



Eggplant Double Down (416 Snack Bar)
quinoa-studded fried eggplant, buffalo mozzarella, arugula, housemade tomato sauce


Missed Connections


Jamaican Patty Double Down (Patois)
two cocktail patties, bacon, swiss cheese fondue, sriracha

Jerk Chicken Chow Mein (Patois)

Pineapple Bun Bread Pudding with Boozey Raisins (Patois)

Crispy Frog Cobb Salad (America)
avocado, cactus, smokey blue, sauce piquante

Chicken Liver Agnolotti (Porzia)
honey mushrooms, 15 year old balsamic

Blood Taglietelle (Porzia)
'nduja, zucchini sofrito, burrata

Labatt Breakfast (Beast)
your choice of smoked beast bacon, grilled luis suarez chorizo, or peameal bacon served with two eggs any style, toast, house potatoes, and an ice cold bottle of fifty


Crackie (Porchetta & Co.)
pork crackling, chocolate chips

A chocolate chip pig skin cookie. Yessir.

Press F to Pay Respects

Cupertino School Board Candidate Admits Violent Past

In 2009, an infuriated [Chris] Zhang, then 35 years old, marched down to a badminton class to confront a man he knew on the Internet as George Wu, an online comments moderator for a Chinese immigrants forum.

Zhang, who kept arguing with other users on the website, was kicked off for "being abrasive." But then he started directing his angst at Wu, sending him increasingly nasty comments, like, "Fuck your mother for being an unfair bitch … I'll fuck you up," and, "You better not run into me in real life … I got your picture now, you little piece of shit."

Unlike most online trolls, Zhang made good on his threat. He tracked Wu down through a message board comment saying that Wu was going to play badminton that day in Milpitas. Zhang went down to tell him off and rough him up. When he arrived, he put his arm around Wu and said in Chinese, "Do you know who I am?" That set off a scuffle that left both men with swollen wrists.

Zhang put Wu in a chokehold, pushed him to the floor, punched his stomach and somehow injured his wrist. "I don't have a perfect past," Zhang admitted, dismissing the incident as a symptom of him being "a reckless bachelor."

I can't decide what my favourite part of this story is:

Confronting an online comments moderator for a Chinese immigrants forum at a badminton class?

The line "fuck your mother for being an unfair bitch"?

The scuffle leaving both men with swollen wrists?

Attributing the incident to reckless bachelorhood at age 35?


Cupertino is heavily Taiwanese. I wonder if George Wu is mainland Chinese.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


44. Too Many Cooks, 10-28-14


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Think about the things you want in life, and then picture yourself in a dress." (Boardwalk Empire, S05E08)
  • Tommy shoots Nucky in the same spot under the eye where the fatal bullet hit Jimmy (Boardwalk Empire, S05E08)
  • RT: "Did #BoardwalkEmpire finale cut Willie Thompson's scenes? Synopsis says he gives out info to US Attorney. But he wasn't in the episode" (Boardwalk Empire, S05E08)
  • Boardwalk Empire Season Grade: B
  • The creator of The Tick works on this show?! (Gotham, S01E06)
  • "I'm Lacy Wyatt, and this is the Gotham 7 Goat Watch." (Gotham, S01E06)
  • "You are a scurvy louse. You are a slop bucket." (Sleepy Hollow, S02E06)
  • "ChiefWiggum49 and Haloismybitch12 decided to frag me." (Sleepy Hollow, S02E06)
  • Face Off Season Grade: C
  • Melo! (Sons of Anarchy, S07E08)
  • "Is there another character in Where's Waldo?"
    "Wizard Whitebeard."
    "Okay. That'll be fun. I haven't gone out with a white beard since I took my cousin Sally to the prom." (Modern Family, S06E06)
  • This is why we need American Horror Story: to see Jessica Lange as a dominatrix and Patti LaBelle get her throat slit (American Horror Story, S04E04)
  • Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories Season Grade: B
  • "And that's why 'Monster Mash' was our wedding song. What was yours?"
    "Oh, it was 'Brick' by Ben Folds Five." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E13)
  • "I was like a pregnant woman in Texas – I had no choice." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E13)
  • "No fapping!" (Saturday Night Live, S40E05)

#clipoftheweek