Edamame Fart

This is how lame Silicon Valley is:

1. Three places is errands, not a crawl.
2. All three places are located in the same market, metres apart.
3. The third place is a wine bar.

Might as well just tailgate outside Levi's Stadium.

Oh. This crawl was originally even sadder.

I suppose you can't crawl to a stadium that's located in bland sleepy nowhere.

Jed York is getting the WrestleMania he deserves.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

11. Glow Stick Magic Trick (Troy, S02E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Air Max 1 Prediction Trick (Troy, S02E01)
  • Forget (The Walking Dead, S05E13)
  • Sex Scene (The Last Man on Earth, S01E03)
  • Religious Cult Mass Murder Scenario (Vice, S03E02)

Stray Observations

  • "Face it. I'm not heroic like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies. I'm not even Tom Arnold in True Lies!" (Bob's Burgers, S05E14)
  • Robert Durst at Starbucks (The Jinx, S01E05)
  • "Well, you're not successful." (The Jinx, S01E05)
  • "The sarge and I are really into puzzles. Remember when I took that sudoku cruise?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)

(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)

  • "Scully, tell them we're cops. Tell them!"
    "Nous sommes navets! Nous sommes navets! Shhhhhhhoot. That means turnips. I said we were turnips. I got it, don't worry. WE ARE TURNIPS! Nope, that was English." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)
  • "Don't shoot, I'm white!" (Shameless, S05E08)
  • "I'm the kind of gal who tries to make the best of things, and since meatballs will never ever exist again, I said, 'Carol, get your hands up, grab some raisins, and you smash them into a ball, girl.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E03)
  • "After doing the nasty, I need to have some beans." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E03)
  • ♫: James Blake – "The Wilhelm Scream" (Togetherness, S01E08)
  • Togetherness Season Grade: C-
  • RT: Sooo both The Americans and Looking have used Yaz's "Only You" to close out episodes this season. (Looking, S02E08)

WWE's Definitive Guide To White People Dancing To Wiz Khalifa (WWE Raw, 3-9-15)

  • Mike Corleone (Better Call Saul, S01E06)
  • Norman spooning Norma (Bates Motel, S03E01)
  • "Move over, you silly woman." (Bates Motel, S03E01)
  • "Yes, mom, they're rappers, but they're white rappers. White." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • [Wu-Tang Clan] "But they're sort of Asian." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • [Dr. Dre] "But he's a doctor." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • "That's called being a G, mom."
    "Why do you want to be a letter that's only worth two points in Scrabble?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper?"
    "Can't watch TV on Fridays because of Shabbat. Hangin' with God." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • "Shabbat is the Jewish day of rest. We're prohibited from doing certain things from Friday night to Saturday night – turning electrical devices like the stove on and off, handling money, putting flowers in water."
    "It kind of sounds like you're Gremlins." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • Imitation "Sabotage" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • Did the Beastie Boys refuse to license their music? (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • Evidently, the show could only afford to license one Beastie Boys song (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • ♫: Beastie Boys – "Root Down" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • "He loves guac!" (Justified, S06E08)
  • "You trying to manipulate me, Mr. Walker? 'Cause I'm long past the point of needing my ego stroked."
    "Let's just say I don't see you pulling thrill-seeker hold-ups with a 'born to lose' tattoo on your chest." – Heat reference (Justified, S06E08)
  • "Don't eulogize the past 'til the future gets its turn." (Justified, S06E08)
  • "This is some bullshit. You shot me in the back."
    "You wanted to get hit in the front, you should've run toward me." (Justified, S06E08)
  • "The past is a statement. The future is a question."
    "The past and the future are a fight to the death." (Justified, S06E08)
  • Framework Season Grade: D
  • Hakeem sampling "Tom's Diner" (Empire, S01E10)
  • "I got a piping hot Grilled Frank for you, okay? I got the sausage, the SPAM, the bacon, I got it wrapped in a jelly pancake and cooked with a stick of butter." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)
  • "Your mother's a giant whore."
    "Right…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)
  • "Your head of security just choked himself out." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)

(It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)

  • "I got a dart hanging out of my face."
    "Yes, you do. But look at it this way: We just saved you a trip to Claire's." (Workaholics, S05E09)
  • "Get a lap dance on a Gravitron." (Workaholics, S05E09)
  • "You guys Jamie Kennedy Experiment-ed me." (Workaholics, S05E09)
  • ♫: Riff Raff – "Tip Toe Wing in My Jawwdinz" (Workaholics, S05E09)
  • ♫: Fleetwood Mac – "The Chain" (The Americans, S03E07)
  • "The solution to every problem isn't throwing frickin' acid on it."
    "Unless the problem is a solution with an overly alkaline pH balance." (Archer, S06E10)
  • "I don't want to sound greedy, but a threesome and then a break-up? Or a foursome and I'm the pizza guy?" (Archer, S06E10)
  • "She's not gigantic. I mean, she's tall, but a lot of that's the boots and the hair, and those hands aren't doing her any favours, human-size-wise."
    "She's basically Groot." (Archer, S06E10)
  • "Lazy lazy fatty fatty gaijin." (Archer, S06E10)
  • "Why is there a vagina in the sink?" (Archer, S06E10)
  • Portlandia Season Grade: C-
  • Wizard Wars Season Grade: D+
  • "Kenan and Kale." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E08)
  • YTMND: Danny Brown's "mortal kombat!" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E09)
  • ♫: Danny Brown – "Smokin and Drinkin" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E09)
  • Cat cafe detour (The Amazing Race, S26E04)
  • YTMND: "Toasty !!" (King of the Nerds, S03E08)
  • Tekken Tag Tournament 2 ? (King of the Nerds, S03E08)
  • Lily's golf announcing (King of the Nerds, S03E08)
  • King of the Nerds Season Grade: B
  • "I am the most excited about the sport of gloving." (Shark Tank, S06E22)
  • "We've doubled our sales month over month over the past quarter."
    "From pee pee to pee pee."
    "But you know what? We don't spend money to get that pee pee." (Shark Tank, S06E22)
  • Banshee Season Grade: B+
  • Tears For Fears! (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E10)
  • "Of course I'll do an *NSYNC reunion. Finally, the band's getting back together."
    "Uhh, calm down, Joey. The only band in your future is a lap band." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
  • "It is the worst thing to happen to Apple since we ran out of cats to name operating systems after." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
  • "Hey, look at that. It's Khloe Kardashian's maxi pad. Hey, look at that. Looks like Hilary Swank lost a tooth." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
  • "I'm as soft as Kevin Spacey with a guy his own age." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
  • "You did it. You actually broke an Apple product without resorting to holding it, plugging it in, or using it as directed." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
  • "Soon enough, this version of Siri will just be a distant, horrible, yet oddly fond memory."
    "Yes, just like Jay Leno." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)


Don't Pass Bar

He didn't spend six years in Grammy medical school to be called "Peter."

The Grammy was for an instrumental album. From 2006. He beat out Gerald Albright, Larry Carlton, Fourplay, and Spyro Gyra.

Somewhere between the sacred silence and sleep

Matthew Jason "Matt" Bloom (born November 14, 1972) is an American professional wrestling trainer, color commentator and retired professional wrestler.

Bloom is best known for his in-ring appearances with WWE as Prince Albert, Albert and A-Train from 1999 to 2004 and as Lord Tensai and Tensai from 2012 to 2014

Bloom attended the University of Pittsburgh, where he graduated in 1996 with a degree in sign language.

You can major in sign language?

[googles "braille degree"]

[googles "semaphore degree"]

Rory: Which country's flag do you think is the most recognizable?
Jon: To non-citizens, I assume.
Rory: Yes.
Jon: United Kingdom. I mean, it has its own name and appears on other countries' flags.

Rory: Most recognizable state flag?
Jon: California, because of those shirts.

Jon: Going through my head, I can only picture, like, four state flags – California, Colorado, Texas, and Maryland.

Rory: Most recognizable city flag?
Jon: Chicago, because CM Punk.

I wear a suitcase under each one of my eyes

Oh that "Beef Wellington" looks good. How much is it?


Then I saw the price of the king crab.

Greetings from Las Vegas.

[flipping through the in-flight magazine on my flight to Vegas]

What does that say?

Oh. Fiesta.

So the line-up is Ozzy's friends and family, plus three cover bands?

[flipping through a Vegas alt-weekly]


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

10. Girlfriend University (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Oh, God. She can't just stop by, can she? Why don't we have a panic room?" (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
  • "No. I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna do something you hate. Let me see. What do you hate?"
    "Nachos?" (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
  • "If you like her ankles, you should see her shins." (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)

Cat dragons (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)

  • "Bobdor." (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
  • "I had to get this corpse out of my apartment, period." (The Jinx, S01E04)
  • "ANYWAY, I went and bought a bow saw." (The Jinx, S01E04)
  • "I did not kill my best friend. I did dismember him." (The Jinx, S01E04)
  • "I feel like James Bond, and you are my mysterious femme fatale that I've been partnered with, Maxi…Pads." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • "The smoke machine is not working."
    "I could crouch by the altar and vape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • "You sound like Gollum."
    "That means nothing to me. I don't see those movies. I'm too pretty." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • "Love. It sustains you. It's like…oatmeal." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • Cut Carl's hair too, stylist! (The Walking Dead, S05E12)
  • RT: Did you recognize the new girl? It's Katelyn Nacon from "Too Many Cooks" (The Walking Dead, S05E12)
  • "I'm sick of having to change who I am, or wait 'til I'm older, or rape someone into being with me." (Shameless, S05E07)
  • Patrick crying at the funeral (Looking, S02E07)
  • "Chinese hello?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E01)
  • "Out for what do you need that gun?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E01)
  • "So this is my toilet pool. And here's my garbage pool, and this is my margarita pool."
    "You swim in that?"
    "I swim in it, I drink out of it. There's really no wrong way to use a margarita pool." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)
  • "They are mas-TUR-batory magazines." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)
  • "You stole my to-mah-toes, and you left poop in my garden." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)

(Fresh Off the Boat, S01E07)

  • "You ladies need to be very careful. A blow-out can give a woman too much confidence, make them take on things that they can't handle, Hillary Clinton." (New Girl, S04E18)
  • "You're afraid of her because she plays the standing-up guitar?" (New Girl, S04E18)
  • "But wait, I'm a gay wolf too / Would you like to eat some wolf Chinese food?" (New Girl, S04E18)
  • "I would say he looks a little too much like Wallace Shawn for my taste." (Justified, S06E07)
  • "Why aren't you on the manhunt?"
    "Oh, I myself was given 24 hours to decompress. Look what you started, Norma Rae." (Justified, S06E07)
  • Phil's wardrobe malfunctions (Modern Family, S06E17)
  • "Dad, we got this. Chicken scored some C-4. We gon' blow Creedmoor to the ground." (Empire, S01E09)
  • The fantasy-sports-esque screens (Empire, S01E09)
  • "Take these cookies." (Empire, S01E09)
  • "You choosing me to take over Empire since you love me?"
    "You know I haven't decided which one of my sons…"
    "Piece of business advice from that Wharton education you paid so handsomely for: you pick the one who knows you're a murderer." (Empire, S01E09)
  • "Oh, I'll be damned if I'm gonna eat that."
    "It's bulgur kernels. Not everything has to be fried."
    "It's kernels of bulgur. The least you could do is fry the hell out of it." (Black-ish, S01E16)
  • "Don't be acting like there's not a glass ceiling for women with apostrophes in their name." (Black-ish, S01E16)
  • "He eats bulgur for your daughter." (Black-ish, S01E16)
  • Couldn't afford a Pink Floyd song, heh (The Americans, S03E06)
  • "I call this one 'Cowboys and Indians,' 'cause it's white and red." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
  • "Mall Blart Paul cop." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
  • "You'll get your dick wet in Heaven." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
  • "Yo soy Nutella." (Conan, 03-04-15)
  • Rum in a box (Conan, 03-04-15)
  • "Bathroom!"
    "Please, your majesty. I cannot wait."
    "I told you idiots that wasn't the real Famous Ray's." (Archer, S06E09)
  • "Damn, Gina!" (Archer, S06E09)
  • "Oh my God. If anybody's jealous, it's you, hang on, shut up, I have something for this…Lana Cougar Mellencamp." (Archer, S06E09)
  • "Ugly Kid Joe?" (Portlandia, S05E09)
  • "Ladyboy show cabaret." (The Amazing Race, S26E03)
  • "100 best sci-fi and fantasy films according to Rotten Tomatoes."
    "Event Horizon." (King of the Nerds, S03E07)
  • June calling Tay Zonday "Unfamous Amos" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E03)
  • "Nice house. Before buying it, how big a deposit did you have to take in the face?" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E03)
  • "Cody Pepperoni." (Saturday Night Live, S40E15)


Like a light-skinned slave, we in the motherfuckin' house

What if you learned that the world was ending in five days? A total implosion, so don't bother with a bunker. Nothing will survive. What would you do?

How do you cross stuff off a bucket list when no one has any incentive to help you do so? Why would pilots fly anyone anywhere? Why would chefs cook anything for anyone?

Chafboy: i'd wanna go to space
Jon: how would you go to space?
Chafboy: surely if the planet is gonna end, there would be scientists gearing up to take some peeps up there. i'd try to kill them to get on board
Jon: okay, but a spacecraft launch requires people who remain on earth. why would they help you flee? unless they believe in an afterlife, which….scientists

Do any doctors or police stay on the job? Why would anyone try to maintain the status quo? To avoid going to Hell?

Don't smoke cheeba, can't stand crack

Previously on Adam Riff™ (October 2005):
Yesterday, I found a pubic hair in the dishwasher.

I was peeing at Chipotle and saw a pubic hair on top of the urinal, which was waist-high.

Idea: Pube Blotter.

Why is no one talking about New York City's famed Halal Guys opening 80! franchises in California? We don't even have a Shake Shack yet.

My local Whole Foods Market has an olive bar with 56! variations on olives. Demand for perishable olives can't possibly be that high.

My local Safeway has an olive bar too, and it's like, please, people who buy olives from olive bars aren't buying them at Safeway.

I guess an olive bar is a status symbol for supermarkets, but they just seem like a waste of space.