Jon: After I drop you off, I'm treating myself to a local diabetes tour – three ice cream shops and two bakeries.

I drove my friend to a speaking engagement at UC Santa Cruz because he can't legally drive anymore.

Jon: I've never been here before. Why is the campus secluded behind a field? UC Rape Woods.

It interweaves six stories set in East London, each represented by a different song. The soundtrack is Plan B's de facto third album.

"It put me off my food and I couldn't look anybody in the eye for a few days afterwards. I am going to do whatever I can not to lose a pimp's phone, take part in the botched murder of a notorious gangland figure, or sell any babies that I find on trains." [source]

iLL Manors opens in UK cinemas on June 6.

#comingattractions

With Deltron 3030 performing at Rock the Bells, if Refused play FYF Fest as rumoured, I could see Deltron 3030, Desaparecidos, and Refused in the same week.

Sunset and La Cienega

"Intelligence is neutral. Application is everything." [134]

I just finished reading Emperor Mollusk versus the Sinister Brain by A. Lee Martinez. It is, as its title suggests, a novel about an imperial mollusk pursuing an evil disembodied brain.

It reminded me of Futurama.

"I've never believed in destiny. My personal philosophy is one of feigned entropic denial." [119]

Halloween Costume Idea: Sexy Lena Dunham.

iPad owners who could use a job at Domino's are what's wrong with America.

Kotaku's Fake Gamer(s) of the Week series is delightful.

Idea: A ginger dyes his or her hair black and then lets it grow out. No, a ginger dyes his or her hair yellow, lets it grow out, and then spikes it so that his or her head looks like candy corn.

Torii Hunter named one of his sons "Money"?

• Drug Doubles: What Actors Actually Toke, Smoke and Snort on Camera

Rostislav: What are you doing for Mother's Day?

Jon: Nothing.

Rostislav: Nothing?

Jon: I need to be able to emotionally detach myself from my mother. While cleaning my pantry, I found an old photo of my parents on a cruise and realized that I may not be able to cope with her death otherwise.

[pause]

Jon: Also, she's currently overseas, so…

2

Zapatería Employee: You work at Google, right?

Jon: Heh. No.

Zapatería Employee: Well, you look like you work at Google.

Jon: I'm a master of disguise.

3

[at a park with B's children]

Jon: You play that, right?

Macts: That's bronco. I'm pinto.

Jon: Ah. Which team do you play for?

Sofi: Phillies.
Macts: Pirates.

Jon: You play for the Phillies and the Pirates?

Macts: No. Phillies were my team when I was five years old.

Jon: Ah. Okay, what do you two want to eat for dinner?

Sofi: MCDONALD'S!

Honourable Mention

• Coach Ron Swanson? (The Voice, 05-08-12)
• 100th Digital Short (Saturday Night Live, S37E21)

Stray Observations

• "Do you think that Chris Rock's real name is Christian Rock?" (Between Two Ferns: A Fairytale of New York, 05-06-12)
• "Don't trust anybody. Life is safer that way." (Game of Thrones, S02E06)
• "Sometimes we don't get to choose where our talents lie." (Mad Men, S05E08)
• "'Whaaassuuuuuup,' as they say in the late '90s." (Veep, S01E03)
• "Senator Doyle went Black Swan over Chuck." (Veep, S01E03)
• "This rapist face gets 8s." (Veep, S01E03)
• "It's not adult life if your parents pay for your Blackberry." (Girls, S01E04)
• "Don't lie to me. You had diarrhea before." (Loiter Squad, S01E07)
• Becky's war on xylophones (Glee, S03E19)
• Referencing the Foundation for a Better Life's "Homecoming Queen" TV spot – ha! (Glee, S03E19)
• Wheelchaired Quinn in physical therapy with dreadlocked Joe on Glee reminds me of wheelchaired Jimmy in physical therapy with cornrowed Trina on Degrassi: The Next Generation
• Nick on New Girl reminds me of Charlie on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Mary Elizabeth Ellis dated both characters
• "Meep meep!" (New Girl, S01E24)
• "No one who still gets their period is ever talking about Nancy Meyers." (Suburgatory, S01E21)
• It's called Fastpass, Phil! (Modern Family, S03E22)
• "Okay, it's Toontown, not Toonton. You've been watching too much PBS." (Modern Family, S03E22)
• Jam bath (Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23, S01E05)
• "What do people not want to talk about? Soccer, jazz, infidelity." (30 Rock, S06E21)
• "You French-Canadian kissed her mother, which is my name for French kissing when it bums everybody else out." (30 Rock, S06E21)
• "Word is, Greta Van Susteren eats hot dogs like Slimer." (30 Rock, S06E21)
• "Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets." (Parks and Recreation, S04E22)
• "Chris Monsanto doesn't do things halfway. If you're gonna hook me up with a Coffee Bean, there's no way I'm keeping my Tea Leaf." (Eagleheart, S02E05)
• "I will not be the first god to be martyred for creation." (Fringe, S04E22)
• Joshua Jackson's Dawson cry (Fringe, S04E22)

#clipoftheweek

• Rob Gronkowski and Ndamukong Suh will vie for love on THE CHOICE, a summer celebrity dating show whose format spoofs The Voice

From day one it was like society was this violent, complicated dance and everybody had taken lessons but me. Knocked to the floor again and again, climbing to my feet each time, bloody and humiliated. Always met with disapproving faces, waiting for me to leave so I'd stop fucking up the party.

They wanted to push me outside, where the freaks huddled in the cold. Out there with the misfits, the broken, glazed-eye types who can only watch as the normals enjoy their shiny new cars and careers and marriages and vacations with the kids.

The freaks spend their lives shambling around, wondering how they got left out, mumbling about conspiracy theories and Bigfoot sightings. Their encounters with the world are marked by awkward conversations and stifled laughter, hidden smirks and rolled eyes. And worst of all, pity.

Sitting there on that night in April, I pictured myself getting shoved out there with them, the sound of doors locking behind me.

Welcome to freakdom, Dave. It'll be time to start a Web site soon, where you'll type out everything in one huge paragraph.

It was like dying. [44]

I just finished reading John Dies at the End, a gonzo horror comedy by "David Wong" (Jason Pargin).

Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I know. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives A Fuck. [91]

While Pargin's prose is appealing, JDatE's narrative can be a slog to get through.

There was something wrapped in the canvas, something the size of a body, something I knew was a body, rolled up like—

A murder burrito! [222]

A film adaptation by Don Coscarelli (Bubba Ho-Tep) is currently touring the festival circuit.

The brisk wind chased me to the door, carrying a faint sulfur smell blown from a plant outside town that brewed drain cleaner. That and the pair of hills in the distance gave the impression of living downwind from a sleeping, farty giant. [4]

And so, feeling like men trying to work a jigsaw puzzle blindfolded and using only our butt cheeks to grip the pieces, we left. [238]

A sequel, This Book Is Full of Spiders, is due out October 2.

In the mountains of Uruguay, a goat gets its hoof caught in a posthole and the bone snaps like a twig. The splinter juts from its skin, blood spraying onto white fur. It is stuck like that for three days. Finally, a wolf mother comes along, carrying her pup in her jaws. She lets the pup feed off the goat, gnawing bits of fur and skin and tearing at muscle. The goat feels it and screams and there is pain and pain and neither the goat nor the wolf nor the pup understand their place in the machine. I stand above all, and call them fags. I AM KORROK. [319]

Duck Beach to Eternity follows four Mormon singles in their 20s and 30s to Duck Beach.

The Seattle International Film Festival will host its world premiere in June.

#comingattractions

Purchase Details
Desaparecidos at The Regency Ballroom – Wednesday, August 29, 2012 at 8:00 PM

$35 is pricey for a band that only released one album, but… well…

Baum:

My biggest takeaway, reflecting on MCA's death, is that I should never, ever take a band for granted. No matter how big and popular they get, no matter how lame and mainstream they sometimes seem, one day they will cease to exist, and I will never be able to see them again

If I could share one thing that Yauch's passing made me feel, it's that you need to recognize who the truly important artists in your life are, and you need to see them perform live as often as you can. Even if they're old, don't look or sound the same and are playing a huge venue with bad sound. Just bite down and go. You'll appreciate it later.

I should splurge on tickets to Thrice's local farewell show too.

I saw the Beastie Boys live thrice, and drew "High Plains Drifter" (33 known performances), "Alive" (8 known performances), and "In a World Gone Mad" (3 known performances).

"Car Thief" (11 known performances) – lucky Mister Falcons.

• Today in "yes, really": Jeremy Sisto releases solo album as his hobo clown alter ego

Why did Cat Cora just pop in my head?

Oh. Expendables 2 cast members as Iron Chefs.

Christopher Nolan sure likes large vehicles colliding into things.

Not digging the title card typography.

Security-wise, S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters = CTU headquarters.

Person in the front row: Everyone can see you using your smartphone.

Is that Harry Dean Stanton?

Evidently, that is a portal to Linkin Park's video for "In the End."

This would be more interesting if the portal unleashed all the creatures in The Cabin in the Woods.

J.J. Abrams : lens flares :: Joss Whedon : reflections.

firingaweaponwhilstfallingbackwardsinajeremyrennerfilm.tumblr.com

That pseudo tracking shot and that shot of Thor's hammer and Captain America's shield boomeranging were cool, but the action in this film has mostly felt inert.

According to Wikipedia, Loki is a SUPERvillain. Way to bury him. Vince McMahon would be proud.

Didn't Iron Man also fly into space at the end of Iron Man?

Had Loki not intentionally surrendered, Hawkeye would not have invaded the Helicarrier, and thus Black Widow would not have discovered how to de-hypnotize people and known how to de-hypnotize Selvig, and thus Selvig would not have revealed how to shut off the device and close the portal.

Iron Man 3 Scene Idea: Stark uses Hulk's body as a green screen.

Thanos? I was hoping it would be M. Bison.

The Avengers 2 Gag Idea: Nick Fury drives a minivan with stick figure Avenger decals on the rear window.

Chris Cornell will never write a song better than "Blow Up the Outside World."

This shawarma coda is mint. I think I'd prefer The Avengers as a sitcom. Six friends hang out regularly at a shawarma shop and banter…

I've been too funny in my life to have to play a character who's … moderately funny.

• Community Is Still a Touchy Subject With Chevy Chase

I'm surprised at the number of people who have never heard of Baggage.

Honourable Mention

• Bert Macklin's Expert Analysis (Parks and Recreation, S04E21)
• Blues Birthplace (Eagleheart, S02E04)
• Amazon Mother's Day Ad (Saturday Night Live, S37E20)

Stray Observations

• "I paid $500 for extensions." (The Amazing Race, S20E10)
• How Did David Foster Wallace, Hot Chip, And Animal Collective End Up On Last Sunday's Episode Of The Simpsons? (S23E19)
• "I'm going to floor." (The Simpsons, S23E19)
• "Myrcella is a sweet innocent girl and I don't blame her at all for you." (Game of Thrones, S02E05)
• "You're lonely, get a cat. They live 13 years, then you get another one, and another one after that. Then you're done." (Mad Men, S05E07)
• The shot of Megan's parents, Megan, Don, and Sally sitting around the table (Mad Men, S05E07)
• "My ass is like the Thunderdome." (Veep, S01E02)
• "You can move more air by farting." (Veep, S01E02)
• "You work at the White House? Oh my God! Can I blow you? [...] I'll get a step ladder." (Veep, S01E02)
• "He just niced me. I got niced." (Veep, S01E02)
• "You gay Irish fireman." (Veep, S01E02)
• "My mother invented Lunchables. Didn't get any credit for it, though. Trusted the wrong people…" (Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23, S01E04)
• "I really don't watch TV. I'm more of a masturbator." (30 Rock, S06E20)
• Kenneth on the runway (30 Rock, S06E20)
• "I'm the fucking lizard king." (The Office, S08E23)
• "My hallucinations were rarely bi-ped and never men." (Fringe, S04E21)

#clipoftheweek

• One Line DVR Summaries of Individual Breaking Bad Episodes That Work for the Entire Series