There will be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year

[browsing films]

A fictional depiction of a future wherein a globalist terrorist organization aligned with the United Nations to disable the United States' power grid and institutes Martial Law. It will take a dedicated family of patriots armed with strong survival skills and the remains of the Second Amendment to save America and reclaim its freedom. [source]

Heh. Alex Jones plays a senator.

Oh. Chuck Norris' son directed it.

There was a Honey 2?

Is that supposed to be a turkey? Who designed this? Search engines and a turkey?

Oh. It's about a Thanksgiving without mobile reception. What does that have to do with search engines, though?

A fresh and modern "coming-of-age-during-the-apocalypse" story for the post "Twilight" generation. [source]

Ah so…


"A mix between Twilight and faith that teens will really enjoy!"
Evy Baehr, Content Manager & Host of Movieguide TV

"At first I didn't think I would like it at all because normally Christian movies aren't all that awesome, but within the first few minutes I was hooked. I love the love triangle and I can't wait until the next one!"
Kennedy (15 year old girl – big fan of Hunger Games and Twilight)

Yup … these are my readers.


Get happy or get your ass out

Let's judge this book by its cover:

Hot or not?

Oh it was filmed in Thailand! And the victims are all lesbians!

Allie has to decide fast… stay in this human cesspool and track down the killer, or return home to Detroit.

She chooses the less disturbing and dangerous option.

Bangkok. She chooses to stay in Bangkok.

Obviously people abbreviate and use accepted shorthand when texting, but this is ridiculous. "Sry sum dork naybr" and "no wz awsum, seriosly" are some of the more legible examples.

And while I'm no connoisseur of sexy-time chat-rooms, I find it hard to believe mimes make a habit of hanging out in them. [source]


We don't loot, but we get even


I know it won an Oscar for 'Best Picture,' but Gladiator seems like such a culturally impactless film for marketers to keep referencing.

"From the director of a film you haven't thought about in years."

"From the director of a film you spottily remember."

It's not like Ridley Scott is Paul Brickman. You have options, including three film classics.

Then again…

Didn't reference Gladiator, didn't perform well at the box office.

Rory: Warner Bros. makes sure to slap a "from the director of 300" on every Zack Snyder film.

Jon: Alas, we only got one "from the director of Troy" before Wolfgang Petersen disappeared.
Rory: "From the director of Platoon and Alexander."

We take the love we feel we earn and leave the rest to burn


Idea: A disaster wipes out 99% of humanity on Earth, and all the male survivors are gingers.

Live Thog: Brick Mansions Trailer

This is similar to Banlieue 13. Did Luc Besson remake his own film?

Yes, yes he did – and with David Belle reprising his role in Banlieue 13!

I know that Banlieue 13 is noted for its parkour, and that David Belle is the founder of parkour, but why would a French dude be living in Detroit's projects? Surely there are Arabs who are adept at parkour.

The director of 13 Tzameti also remade his own film in English.

There's no religion that could save me

You guys! It's a film about a dark horse that features a literal dark horse!

Hearing the news that her father is suffering with dementia, Dana, a thirtyish Seattle ballet teacher, reluctantly returns to her childhood home on Orcas Island to discover that it is threatened with foreclosure. To save the farm and the family, she must tame her mother's dangerous Friesian horse and ride him to victory in the year's biggest dressage competition. She must also reconcile her warring brothers, and heal a broken heart. [source]

Save a farm, tame a horse, ride him to victory, reconcile warring brothers, heal a broken heart – that's asking a lot from a ballet teacher. reviews:

Dull, boring movie. No action (except for multiple people falling off a horse).

Really dull movie. Every once in awhile, the lead character would get on a horse and fall off – and that's about it.

Cue 8x playback and "Yakety Sax."



Time for another round-up.

Women's Studies
A pregnant grad student and her friends are held captive at a women's academy that's actually a cult of feminists bent on the enslavement of men.
Former football star turned convict, Tyler "The Fuse" Draven, discovers in jail that he has the ability to create fire by mere thought alone! Now he's going to use his new-found power to get revenge on everyone that's ever done him wrong… which seems to be the entire world!
Mother's Day Massacre
Jim Cavanaugh is a shy suburban New Jersey teenager. His mom left when he was a child and his father is a real jerk. The unrelenting psychotic domination of his redneck father forces Jim to search out his long lost mother. His quest takes him to the backwoods of Jersey where he encounters semi-retarded hillbillies who have a taste for DIY circumcisions and Peterbilt trucks.
Teach Me: Skateboard Edition
Anabolic took over a local skatepark for a day to see which girls had the best lip tricks, and who could grind the best!!! These lovely lasses all seemed to appreciate longboards logistically launched into (wet) waiting pipes!!! 6 action scenes starring 7 super stoked sluts!


Microwaved Garbage

An OMGWTFDVD round-up.

Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island
"A maniacal clown reaps personal revenge on unsuspecting frat boys. Pledge Jack Jones must quickly formulate a plan to stop the clown, save his brothers, and find the courage to come out of the closet before the sun rises."

Holla If You Hear Me Kill You
"A masked maniac stalks a group of hip-hop recording artists though a recording studio."

"Death" is wearing Groucho glasses.

"A young musician is seduced by a touring rock band called 'Neowolf' with a hungry habit that comes with the full moon."

Death Metal: Are We Watching You Die?
Metal Retardation: Are You Metally Retarded?

Are rhetorical questions metal?

This Is Canoeing

Avatar fans are learning how to speak Na'vi
Blizzard makes $500K an hour selling imaginary horse in World of Warcraft
The Secret of L.A.'s 10-Year-Old Fake Freeway Sign


A schizophrenic who believes [he is] the reincarnation of Jesus Christ seeks vengeance against those who he believes are reincarnations of people who wronged him in the past.

The appearance of one of his victim's girlfriends during a moment of murderous rage prompts the vengeful would-be savior to begin targeting the women of his enemies as well. [source]



A gay family Christmas favourite.

…starring the actor who played Marco on Degrassi.

Seoul has an LGBT film festival?

Anyone else ever rip off the arms of a gingerbread man to form gingerbread genitalia?

related: This and next week on Degrassi:

aaaaand LARPing!

Season 9, Episode 15 – Airs: 12/6/2009
Anya and Sav plan on going to the formal together, but when Sav's parents introduce him to his arranged marriage, everything changes. [source]

Canadian television is the best.

The OMGWTFDVD Collection