Three Jews walk into a bar…and buy it!

In Super Mario Bros., Bowser is twice the height of regular Mario.

If Bowser is twice the height of regular Mario, however, then it is physically impossible for regular Mario to jump over Bowser to retract bridges.

Even Super Mario could not do it.

Super Mario is roughly the same height as Bowser.

In order to jump over Bowser, Super Mario would have to clear his own height, which is physically impossible.

The only way for Mario to physically defeat Bowser would be to pass underneath him, and even then, I doubt Bowser can physically jump very high.

Human hands cannot physically generate fireballs.

Hollywood's version of Goombas may be lame reptilian humanoids, but they are at least reasonably proportional to Bob Hoskins.

Assuming regular Mario is six feet tall, then Goombas in Super Mario Bros. are six-foot-tall anthropomorphic mushrooms, and Bullet Bills are six feet in diameter.

Mario 2: Six-foot-long turnips.

Mario 3: A sun that's roughly eight feet in diameter.

Assuming regular Mario is six feet tall, then Bowser is 12 feet tall – 18 feet tall in Mario 3, 24 feet tall in Mario World.

No way he fits in a go-kart…

Bracketology: A March Madness Data Visualization
there is a Twitter account dedicated solely to retweeting tweets about farts

Clash of the Titans

Another NFL playoff weekend was filled of ho-hum games. My initial thought was that history will prove the best matchup took place in L.A.


However, upon further review we discover that Boob-Off 2010 was more of a blowout than Cowboys/Vikings. Mariah Carey's are akin to the team that had a nice season, but once they faced a real opponent it was clear they were outclassed. On the flip side, Christina Hendricks… sheesh. She's more like a caricature of a human than an actual human. Hyperbole barely covers how barely covered she is.

Every time she goes out in public, 4 more college freshman become advertising majors.


Watching Conan's last few shows is like hanging out with a friend who's on death row but is freed as his sentence date quickly approaches. I watch it and think to myself, "If I'm to die in my mid-70s (how about it, God?), I wouldn't want to know now, but I would like to know one month prior." One of the rare advantages of being on death row.

Will Ferrell sang "Never Can Say Goodbye" on Conan's first Tonight Show. Will Ferrell is a soothsayer. On Friday, if pattern holds, smart money says he'll sing Tina Turner's "The Best" or Joe Esposito's "You're the Best". Or 311's "I'll Be Here Awhile". Heh.

Regarding Conan's offers to star in a porno, I think porn production companies get more notoriety from halfheartedly offering roles to people (especially those who would never do porn) than they do from making actual pornography.

I'm Just Sayin'


The Slant-Ruled Notebook
Jacket + Bookmark
Batman: The Minifigs

I Already Work Around the Clock


It has quickly joined the Pantheon of Quotes from Trailers that Supersede Interest in the Actual Movie/TV Show.

Other Recent Inductees:

– "You'll get the money when I get my family!", Firewall
– "You're risking a patient's life!", House
– "You're a cop because (longer pause) you don't know how not to be one.", Southland
– "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the center of the Earth.", Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D


Re-watching this season's 30 Rock episode "Into the Crevasse" led to an odd find. Tina Fey was ubiquitous as Sarah Palin on SNL. In the high-brow porn escapade Who's Nailin' Paylin?, Lisa Ann held the boobular titular role. She also played Palin in Eminem's music video for "We Made You". When it came time to cast a pornified Liz Lemon, however, they threw out the transitive property and cast Savanna Samson, even though Lisa Ann is closer to Tina Fey in age, is a more apt doppelganger, and they both acted as Sarah Palin in the past.


I've often feared that my over-competitiveness would lead to lost friends.

Scattegories. January 2nd, 2010. Chicago, Illinois. Letter: B.

"OK, how about 'Thing You Keep Hidden'?"
"I put 'birth certificate'".
"No fuckin' way."
"Really? REALLY?!? Because I have no idea where mine is."
"Really? I know where mine is."
"Sure you do."
"No, really. It's in a locked metal file cabinet."
(smarmier than previously thought possible) "Outstanding. That's amazing. So one could almost say it's hidden, huh? Thanks, buddy. I love when you prove my point. Thanks."

Since we got home we haven't spoken.


Poop in the Pop
The Nerdiest Sweater Vest in the World

I'm more consultant than son

George Dohrmann

That's why they get paid the big bucks. Loosely applied logic.

There goes any chance of them wearing their Baltimore Bullets throwbacks.


Amber Alert

Fine, I'll be the one to say it: I want to know if these people are found alive or dead. One word! That's all I want. Just saying "cancel the alert" is much too ambiguous.

I wonder if this could be used carte blanche to assault strangers with similar traits as the abductor.


"Check it out. I'm labeling everything we're putting away for next Christmas."
"Slick move, Dad. When's the ISO 9000 banner going on the front porch?"
(Two Mississippi)
"…haha… Can you show me how to put CDs on my iPod?"

I never thought I'd long for the days when they'd ask me to explain the setup for the joke and then separately explain how the punchline worked.


Science's Prettiest Girl in the World