School for the grifted

Radio Podcasts
1-800-Flowers The Bouqs
Dollar Shave Club Harry's
Leesa Casper
Sun Basket Blue Apron
Tommy John MeUndies

Blue Apron, Caviar, Chef'd, DoorDash, EAT24, Freshly, Gobble, Goldbely, Green Chef, Grubhub, HelloFresh, Maple, Munchery, PeachDish, Plated, Postmates, Purple Carrot, Sprig, Sun Basket, ZeroCater, Zesty – America's food delivery service cup runneth over.

[Din,] Kitchit, SpoonRocket, Dinner Lab, and Kitchensurfing shut down in 2016. [source]

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

8. Festival of Friendship (WWE Raw, 02-13-17)

part two / part three / part four

Honourable Mention

  • Tim and Sam dance for Sebastian (Detroiters, S01E02)
  • Trapped in the MRI scanner (Legion, S01E02)
  • Airport sushi restaurant (Portlandia, S07E07)

Stray Observations

(Bob's Burgers, S07E09)

  • "Excuse me while I sky kiss this guy." (Bob's Burgers, S07E09)
  • "My apartment! I mean… My car!" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • ♫: "I Saw a Stranger" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • "You know, I'd never seen a live femur before." (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • ♫: "Whiskey and Zorn" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • "We both had sex with the same dead guy. Doesn't make us friends." (The Walking Dead, S07E09)
  • "God is for men who have no use for freedom." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Science is the gift of God, and God taught us that ovulation is spontaneous."
    "Ask a woman about that. Back when it was still believed that there were two kinds of insemination, male insemination involving sperm, female insemination involving eggs, it was considered a sin not to give a woman pleasure. But then, when it was discovered that ovulation was spontaneous, the cost was several billion female orgasms."
    "But it made psychoanalysts rich."
    "The one profession that involves no work and a great deal of money that we let slip through our fingers." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Who gives a damn about life? Life is not some stupid centerpiece on the side table of nothingness. Life is meant to be used, and to be used well – to love and be loved." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "I never resent anyone. That's my main problem." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Lenny, you think you're the hinge, but you're the door." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • ♫: 13 & God – "Armored Scarves" (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • Fading to black to when the Flume song's outro kicks in (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "How did you do it?"
    "I humiliated him. You have no idea how many objectives can be obtained by humiliating one's fellow man. But there's a secret to it."
    "What is it?"
    "The person humiliated can't realize they've been humiliated." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "In pedophilia, there is only violence, and in homosexuality, there is only love." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "We are power, and power is a banal platitude." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Goodness, unless combined with imagination, runs the risk of being mere exhibitionism." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Affliction changes us, Aguirre."
    "But good mood doesn't." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Those who believe in God don't believe in anything." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • The Young Pope Season Grade: B
  • "Scallops aren't for liars." (New Girl, S06E16)
  • "I don't have to explain myself to a chimney sweep." (New Girl, S06E16)
  • "Look at this place. You got a wet bar. You've got a thermostat."
    "And tickets to something called 'The Clippers.'" (New Girl, S06E16)
  • ♫: Vince Staples – "BagBak" (The Mick, S01E09)
  • "There are dark, unsupervised slut pockets all over that Jewish community center." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • "I'll show them I am amazing at finding things."
    [Where's Waldo?] (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • "Why can't these white people keep track of their kids? Every time we look at a milk carton, we have to see their failures." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • Mort Crim is a real anchorman (Detroiters, S01E02)
  • "What size do you think you're gonna be in nine months? Women's medium?" (Speechless, S01E15)
  • "Darling, I'm British. We invited sartorial nonsense." (Speechless, S01E15)

(Speechless, S01E15)

  • "I know we're being serious right now, but that surgeon has the biggest dick." (The Magicians, S02E04)
  • Pastor throws dove Vine (Black-ish, S03E15)
  • "You gotta step your game up, Dre. Put your crew on your back. Get your Kevin Garnett on."
    "You said what? I'm a soccer guy."
    "My turn to bite, my turn to bite. What, exactly, is a Kevin Garnett?" (Black-ish, S03E15)
  • "I'll calm down. I'll drink some whiskey or something."
    "Yeah. Stuff it down with brown. That's the best way to deal with things." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "You know, I'm getting a bad feeling about this, man."
    "Hey, man, do you think maybe that's 'cause of your librarian trauma?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Hello?"
    "Uhh, yeah, uh, yeah, is yous Daddy and the Boy?"
    "Uhh, y-yes, it is. Boy speaking."
    "I've got a party for you."
    "Umm, Daddy wants to speak with you."
    "Yeah, this is Daddy." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Why did you make a cheese lollipop?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Cricket was a bad idea, huh?"
    "Yeah, I know, but we needed that, like, you know, McConaughey MC type."
    "Yeah, but looks like we got AIDS Dallas Buyers Club McConaughey, not Magic Mike McConaughey." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • Stripping to "Cat's in the Cradle" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "I guess if I had, like, a million dollars, I might want a dick." (Workaholics, S07E06)

(Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)

  • "It would make me the happiest man in the world if I could have anal sex with your daughter." (Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)
  • Harry Knowles (Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)
  • "Booty tutor?" (Riverdale, S01E04)
  • "As Florence Machine says, the dog days are over." (Baskets, S02E05)
  • "I also had sex with your little Frenchy wife."
    "No, you didn't."
    "Yeah, I did. I pretended to be you and had sex with her."
    "Now I know you’re lying. She would never have sex with me." (Baskets, S02E05)
  • Chip and Dale chugging energy shots as they furiously circle a table and brag about sexual conquests that never happened (Baskets, S02E05)
  • The quick shot of random hikers watching Dale in a clown uniform and Chip with a bloody tissue sticking out of his nose walking along train tracks repeatedly saying "Ronald Reagan" (Baskets, S02E05)
  • "Put money in an Asian kid's hand, that kid will love you for the rest of your life." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • Talk show go to commercial (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • "Then I saw the truck outside. It scared the shit out of me, so I did what Kevin does in Home Alone and I got the black guy from Space Jam and I put him in the window to try to scare him off." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • "What time is it?"
    "Seven!!!" (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Young Pope
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Opening your mouth removes all doubt

Broadcast networks have been re-evaluating their programming this pilot season. Dramas and comedies that appeal to the heartland — i.e. parts of Trump America that may have been underserved on the small screen — have been among this season's hottest trends. [source]

But Hillary won the popular vote…?

ABC has drama The Gospel of Kevin, which follows a down-on-his-luck guy who is tasked by God with a mission to save the world.

NBC has drama For God and Country, which explores personal sacrifices of the members of the military.

CBS handed out a pilot order to comedy Living Biblically. The project centers on a modern-day man who, at a crossroads in his life, decides to live life according to the Bible.

Fox has put in development The Scroll, a Bible-themed drama project. The Scroll will reimagine some of the Bible's most popular stories in present day through a group of friends and colleagues that are modern-day versions of some of the Bible's most notable characters. [source]


Found Me Some Acid Tonight

The Great Wall's title treatment irritates me mightily.

I want to travel back in time to prevent it from being created.

Why don't the Ts and H have any pointy corners? What even was the methodology behind which corners would be pointy?

The curved leg of the R is hideous.

I don't get Kong: Skull Island's title treatment.

It looks like a mishmash of typeface concepts, none of which connote "King Kong" or "Skull Island."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

7. Lenny's Speech (The Young Pope, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Lenny's prayer for Dussollier (The Young Pope, S01E08)
  • Mickey's bizarre, rambling speech (The Mick, S01E08)
  • The Sandlot (Man Seeking Woman, S03E06)
  • "Can I talk to you for a minute?" (Portlandia, S07E06)
  • Mario Kart 64 (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E02)
  • Russell Stover Black History Heart Shaped Box (Saturday Night Live, S42E14)
  • Dueling Banjos (Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special)

Stray Observations

  • ♫: Soulwax – "Krack" (The Young Pope, S01E07)
  • ♫: The Sound – "I Can't Escape Myself" (The Young Pope, S01E07)

(The Young Pope, S01E07)

  • ♫: Post Pines – "Simma" (The Young Pope, S01E07)
  • "Mullins let him go Friday."
    "Yeah. Brought in someone new, who is so not as qualified. We're talking two-year college." (24: Legacy, S01E01)
  • "Who knew Chicago police were so corrupt? I mean, sure, everybody knew, but…" (Superior Donuts, S01E02)
  • "You writers are all so obsessed with mystery."
    "You men of the cloth don't kid around, either."
    "Writers and men of the cloth are the same in that way. They can't afford to solve the mystery because the next day they'd become irrelevant."
    "Writing is the one way I've found of concealing my boundless ignorance. It's a fraud, really, the way of gaining acceptance from the world." (The Young Pope, S01E08)
  • "I was 50 years old myself once, you know? I had my own crisis of faith, like all priests. The second calling is more challenging and more fraught than the first. You no longer have to deal with the enthusiasm of youth. Now you must grapple with disenchantment and the limitations of the rational. You don't believe in God, but that shouldn't upset you." (The Young Pope, S01E08)
  • ♫: Superpitcher – "Rabbits in a Hurry" (The Young Pope, S01E08)
  • "Halitosis is a deformation of the soul." (The Young Pope, S01E08)
  • "The boba is a metaphor. Aly is the tapioca pearl to my milky matcha, each made better by the unlikely presence of the other." (New Girl, S06E15)
  • "You feeling upset about something?"
    "No! I'm just eating edamame." (New Girl, S06E15)
  • "Oh, I feel like my heart is pumping out scalding hot toilet water." (New Girl, S06E15)
  • "'The driver handed him a brown paper sack. Without opening it, Pepperwood knew what was inside: blood-soaked beignets.'" (New Girl, S06E15)
  • "The Color Purple. More like The Color of White Cruelty." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E12)
  • "But I thought you were happy she was going back to school."
    "School? That's what she calls it. I call it 'a hippie birdbath.'" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E12)
  • "You paint?"
    "I used to, every day. This one is called 'Bagel.' This is 'Seashell.' 'Horse and Foal.' 'Unemployed Virgin.' 'Avocados Resting in Bowl.' 'Timothy Looks at Rebecca.' 'Zebra and Giraffe.' 'Zebra in Top Hat.' 'Zebra in Shorts.' 'Dan Quayle.'" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E12)
  • "Are you King or are you Company?" (Taboo, S01E05)
  • "All these chemicals I ingest chase lines of Shakespeare out of me sometimes unbidden." (Taboo, S01E05)
  • "Not only is she among the large number of women I would sleep with, she's also among the much smaller group of women I would masturbate over." (Taboo, S01E05)
  • "We are richer than God. I blaspheme with impunity because the company is at my heel." (Taboo, S01E05)
  • RT: Stuffed ostrich in room whilst he eats boiled ostrich egg (Taboo, S01E05)
  • "Oh, we need some more coal for my fireplace. It's freezing."
    "Why would we do that? This is the Delaney household. We have no warmth here." (Taboo, S01E05)

(Detroiters, S01E01)

  • ♫: Buzzcocks – "Ever Fallen in Love" (Speechless, S01E14)
  • "Because I promise you, I will not go down easily, oo-surpers. Yoo-surpers. Whichever way you're supposed to pronounce it." (The Magicians, S02E03)

(WWE 205 Live, 02-08-17)

  • "Shark tank top?!" (Black-ish, S03E14)
  • "'DeVante' is a great name. It has cultural significance."
    "'DeVante' is the name of the least important member of Jodeci."
    "No, the least important member of Jodeci was Mr. Dalvin and you know that." (Black-ish, S03E14)
  • "Wow. You're not even gonna go, like, 'Vernon' or 'Marcus' or 'Leon'? Just going straight to NFL free safety black name territory, huh?" (Black-ish, S03E14)
  • "'DeVante' sounds like two names played chicken and nobody won." (Black-ish, S03E14)
  • "You remember Roots? There's a scene in the movie where Kunta Kinte…"
    "Oh, what is that? I don't know what that is."
    "[pause] LeVar Burton?"
    "Oh, Reading Rainbow."
    "The black dude from Star Trek." (Black-ish, S03E14)
  • "Look out, faggot!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E06)

(It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E06)

  • "That's not a penis. It's a fist." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E06)
  • "Gay Mac rules! Gay rich Mac!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E06)
  • "Instead of Coachella, it should be called 'Whole-Paycheck-ella.'" (Workaholics, S07E05)
  • "Yeah, I emailed their Hotmail account and I got a reply, like, right away from this dude named 'Mailer Daemon.' I think it's their, like, French manager or something." (Workaholics, S07E05)
  • Chuck Liddell (Workaholics, S07E05)
  • "I also brought in Chang. He's a master contortionist. Trained for 16 years at the Shanghai Circus. He can fold his body into a box the size of a domestic carry-on.
    "Whoa. What's his job?"
    "My roommate's the DJ. I can get us all on the list." (Man Seeking Woman, S03E06)
  • "'Dearest Margaret, the canvas ripped again. At times, it seems my dream of building an all-canvas shoe may never come to pass. But, as ever, I toil on. With everlasting love, Archibald Converse.'" (Man Seeking Woman, S03E06)
  • ♫: Milk and Bone – "Natalie" (Riverdale, S01E03)
  • Dame Lillard (Portlandia, S07E06)
  • "Take a Shhh!" (Portlandia, S07E06)
  • "I love carpet." (Baskets, S02E04)
  • "I can't remember his size."
    "I'm a petite portly, mom." (Baskets, S02E04)
  • "I'm not sure where that is."
    "It's right behind the Iron Curtain." (Baskets, S02E04)
  • "Actually, which one was Kramer? Was it the Jewish woman?" (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E02)
  • Captain Planet Kwame action figure (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E02)
  • "Oh, baby, it is so hot watching you beat up Michael Bolton." (Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special)
  • "When Michael Jordan puts on new shoes, that's a Nike change, baby." (Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special)
  • The Santa Clause (Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Young Pope
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


We hope he gets some help soon

Previously on Adam Riff™ (August 2011):
Fantasy MLB Commissioner

» To cut down on marathon regular season games, every two extra innings, managers must remove one fielder, any position, from the game.

» From the 18th inning on, every half-inning begins with a runner or runners already on base.

Ben: oh STOP IT
Ben: just STOP IT
Ben: you are making the xfl
Jon: you mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling

February 2017:

Before I could text that link to Ben followed by a Joker face, he texted it to me followed by

Ben: This is your fucking fault somehow. It's like they googled "bad ideas to speed up baseball games"

"I'm not saying pay every guy $200 grand a year, but pay him a living wage year-round – something in the $40-60,000 a year range, where I can have a family and not have to worry every second about the bills that we have."


Of the 455,300 high school baseball players in America, only 5.6 percent wind up playing on a collegiate team. Of that 5 percent, only 10 percent are drafted by an MLB team. And of all minor leaguers, only 10 percent will ever make it to the show. All of which means the odds of making an MLB roster are long.

All of which means XLB is viable. Decent players are plentiful. Just offer them a living wage to forgo an MLB dream or a non-baseball job.

Ben: This is a TERRIBLE IDEA
Ben: SAD!

No one knows me like the piano in my mother's home

2017 iHeartRadio Music Awards nominees:

Rock Artist of the Year
• Disturbed
• Five Finger Death Punch
• Red Hot Chili Peppers
• Shinedown
• Volbeat

Alternative Rock Artist of the Year
• blink-182
• Cage The Elephant
• Coldplay
• The Strumbellas
• twenty one pilots

Underground Alternative Rock Artist of the Year
• Hey Violet
• Pierce the Veil
• Sleeping With Sirens
• Tonight Alive

Breakthrough Independent Underground Alternative College Rock Artist of the Year.

Best Lyrics
• "7 Years" – Lukas Graham
• "Came Here to Forget" – Blake Shelton
• "Cheap Thrills" – Sia featuring Sean Paul
• "Closer" – The Chainsmokers featuring Halsey
• "Heathens" – twenty one pilots
• "Love Yourself" – Justin Bieber
• "Scars To Your Beautiful" – Alessia Cara
• "Send My Love (To Your New Lover)" – Adele
• "Too Good" – Drake featuring Rihanna
• "You Should Be Here" – Cole Swindell


Rory: The Andre the Lyricist Memorial Battle Royal.

Bigger coverage map, Devastating Speed, and Massive capacity

Previously on Adam Riff™ (March 2013):

The creative team behind Bellflower just successfully crowdfunded a second feature film.

Chuck Hank and the San Diego Twins is a "surrealist action/drama influenced heavily by '80s action films and side-scrolling fighting games like Streets of Rage and Double Dragon." [source]

It lives!

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

6. Opening Credits (Powerless, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "I love God because it's so painful to love human beings. I love a God that never leaves me or that always leaves me. God, the absence of God, always reassuring and definitive. I'm a priest. I've renounced my fellow men, my fellow women, because I don't want to suffer, because I'm incapable of withstanding the heartbreak of love, because I'm unhappy, like all priests. It would be wonderful to love you the way you want to be loved, but it's not possible, because I am not a man. I'm a coward, like all priests." (The Young Pope, S01E05)
  • ♫: LMFAO – "Sexy and I Know It" (The Young Pope, S01E05)
  • "I have no idea what to do with the friendship of the whole wide world." (The Young Pope, S01E05)
  • "I don't keep anybody around me that doesn't deserve what they get." (Taboo, S01E04)
  • "I have a question. It concerns chemistry. I hope now is not inconvenient." (Taboo, S01E04)
  • "You know, semen not ejaculated at the point of passion turns to poison and narrows the mind. Eventually, you become an ape."
    "So ejaculate. Then we can talk of business." (Taboo, S01E04)
  • "Has the semen yet turned to poison?" (Taboo, S01E04)
  • Tom Hollander tasting cow and pigeon shit (Taboo, S01E04)
  • Tom Hollander high on nitrous oxide (Taboo, S01E04)
  • "Murder…is chips." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E05)
  • "That woman thinks she's a writer, but McSweeney's disagrees." (Man Seeking Woman, S03E05)
  • "That Prosciutto Thing." (Man Seeking Woman, S03E05)

(Man Seeking Woman, S03E05)

  • "I can't lose this job. I take care of my sick grandma."
    "And I like nice things. [pause] I should've went before Ron." (Powerless, S01E01)
  • "Ohhhh. I must really trust you. I just turned my back on a Chicago cop." (Superior Donuts, S01E01)
  • ♫: TRO – "Sa Riera" (Riverdale, S01E02)
  • "I've lost 32 ounces." (Baskets, S02E03)
  • "I'm not gonna smoke heroin in an Applebee's, mom." (Baskets, S02E03)
  • "I got CVS dinner." (Baskets, S02E03)
  • "Have you been drinking mimosas?" (Baskets, S02E03)
  • Matt doing Sam Neill (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E01)
  • Frank heads (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E01)
  • "Somebody graffitied a dick on your store." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E01)
  • "Make sure you get the penis." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E01)
  • Totino's Super Bowl ad trilogy (Saturday Night Live, S42E13)
  • "You are my Totino." (Saturday Night Live, S42E13)
  • "Don't eat a snail…" (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E01)
  • "King Robot Baratheon." (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E02)
  • RT: Defining Peak TV: Second episode of Riverdale and Santa Clarita Diet end with same Cage the Elephant song. (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E02)
  • "I leave you for five fucking minutes and you bond with my dinner?" (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E03)
  • "Sorry."
    "It's okay. No pee, so…that's a win." (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E04)
  • "Pharmaceutical rep hours are super flexible. That's why so many of us have time to go on The Bachelor." (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E04)
  • "Yeah, Abby, my mom masturbated and then made waffles." (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E05)
  • "So how are you doing?"
    "I'm good. Dan's partner, Anne, has been keeping me distracted. She comes, like, all the time." (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E09)
  • "Once you get food over three feet long, it's more about structural integrity than flavour." (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E09)
  • "I found a bag of his face behind the ice cream." (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E10)
  • "Now, why don't you put down the only known copy of that priceless book, ideally away from the chips and Safeway-brand guacamole?" (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E10)
  • "Unfortunately, my bile guy, Vladé, is on vacation."
    "Can't you just tell Vladé it's an emergency?"
    "Ah, he won't care. He's more reliable than my last bile guy, but the digestive fluid business attracts more hobbyists than professionals." (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E10)
  • "With technology, every vacation's a working vacation these days." (Santa Clarita Diet, S01E10)
  • Santa Clarita Diet Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Fascism Forever

You are a married parent of two young children.

Your spouse and children die tragically.

The Devil visits you soon after to cut a deal. He will resurrect your spouse and children, and life will go on as was, but sometime every night for the rest of your life, you will murder your spouse and children, after which, at the stroke of midnight, they will be resurrected as if nothing happened, with no memory of you murdering them.

Do you accept this deal?

Steven: i don't think anyone would make this deal
Jon: but you get to see your children grow up
Jon: albeit along with their corpses every night

Steven: i think the deal has to be more concise, something that wouldn't involve the public knowing that your family died and came back to life, or that your family dies and comes back to life every day


You are a married parent of two young children.

Your spouse and children are in critical condition.

The Devil visits you in the hospital to cut a deal. Your spouse and children will fully recover, and life will go on as was, but sometime every night for the rest of your life, you will murder your spouse and children, after which, at the stroke of midnight, they will be resurrected as if nothing happened, with no memory of you murdering them.

If and when the public learns that your family dies and comes back to life every day is up to you.

Do you let your children host a sleepover?

What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

Mike: The specifics of the injuries are a huge variable for the value of the bargain. If I'm the unscathed spouse and my fam is critical but its cuz of a mercury leak I'm not taking that deal, cuz I'm hoping they make it through fine. If it's a fiery car wreck or something I might take the deal if it means they recover well from what could be quality-of-life-decimating injuries.


You are a married parent of two young children.

While on holiday with your family on a remote island, your spouse and children die tragically.

The Devil visits you soon after to cut a deal.

Should you accept his deal, you should return home to friends and family who are completely unaware that your spouse and children were resurrected.

If and when the public learns that your family dies and comes back to life every day is up to you.

Whole Foods Car Park

Is that space open? No. Small car.

Oh here we go. Nope. Shopping cart.

Guh. Another shopping cart.

What is she doing? Did/does she not see me stopped here with my turn signal on? Leave already!

Look at this: Two shopping carts on either side of a shopping cart corral.

Instead of self-driving cars, self-returning shopping carts.

Shit. I've been spotted walking to my car. Pressure to leave is on.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

5. Opening credits (The Young Pope, S01E03/S01E04)

Honourable Mention

  • Sabrina vs. Chip fight (The Mick, S01E06)

Stray Observations

  • "Hey, have you seen Zorn?"
    "No. Why? Everything okay?"
    "Well, I'm worried about Alan. He had a 40-minute shower cry."
    "I don't know much about parenting. I'm gonna guess 'gay.'" (Son of Zorn, S01E11)
  • "Presidents don't get chances; they get tested." (Homeland, S06E02)
  • "The young are always more extreme than the old." (The Young Pope, S01E03)
  • "Believers don't cry." (The Young Pope, S01E04)
  • "She's the metronome of sleep." (The Young Pope, S01E04)
  • "Ben, are you watching Alien?! Oh come on, man! Aliens is a way better movie." (The Mick, S01E06)
  • "I have sailed to places where there is no damnation." (Taboo, S01E03)
  • "You could allow your cunt to swallow the work of an honest man." (Taboo, S01E03)
  • "As you know, only a child of Earth can wear the crown of the High King. I will ask you a series of questions designed to root out all pretenders to the throne. Only a true High King will hold the answers in his heart."
    "Come at me."
    "What popular American television program stars actor Tim Daly?"
    "What the fuck?"
    "He was in a lot of TV shows." (The Magicians, S02E01)
  • "This is gonna touch all of Frank's Fluids."
    "My God, there are other fluids?"
    "Yeah. Wolf Cola, some Nip boba drink…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E04)
  • "Now social media will come down on you with the fury of a middle-aged man who has accomplished nothing." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E04)
  • "You're gonna be puking on your dick in no time." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E04)
  • "I want to, like, put it in one of those trumpet shells and smoke it."
    "It's called a 'cock shell.' I saw that in an underwater porno once."
    "Little Spermaid, yeah." (Workaholics, S07E03)
  • ♫: Melodysheep – "Get Pitted" (Workaholics, S07E03)

(Workaholics, S07E03)

  • "Hodor!" (Workaholics, S07E03)
  • "Ohhh man, we've gotta find a way out of here. I cannot die in Crocs."
    "There's an empty jacuzzi. I cannot die in an empty jacuzzi like my aunts."
    "They all died in an empty jacuzzi." (Workaholics, S07E03)
  • "I'd love to be a cheerleader. It would look great on my college applications. But, last year, when I tried out, Cheryl said I was too fat."
    "'Too season five Betty Draper.'" (Riverdale, S01E01)
  • ♫: Tove Styrke – "Number One" (Riverdale, S01E01)
  • Clown toilet (Baskets, S02E02)
  • "Hey, you know, if you need any jokes, I found a joke book at the dump."
    "What were you doing at the dump? On a date or something?"
    "No, I was just snooping around."
    "Snooping around?"
    "Yeah, what else do you do at the dump?" (Baskets, S02E02)
  • "Martha, take the children back to the corn." (Baskets, S02E02)

(Portlandia, S07E04)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Last call on Adam Riff™'s 2016 audio mixes:

Breathing fire doesn't look good on a résumé


Notorious in Toronto and virtually unknown elsewhere, Sicilian Vampire star/director/producer/musician Frank D'Angelo is a dubiously talented businessman with a lot of cash to throw around, primarily (presumably) thanks to D'Angelo Brands, a company whose wares include the energy drink Cheetah Power Surge. Since 2010, he's also been the host of The Being Frank Show, a late-night talk show taped weekly at the Forget About It Supper Club, one of D'Angelo's two restaurants. It looks like a real show but it's really just an infomercial D'Angelo has paid for, interrupted only by commercials for his own products. He's also cranked out a series of albums in the Seth MacFarlane–big-band vein and claims to have written 500 songs.

In 2013, D'Angelo decided he wanted to make films and he started with Real Gangsters, a mob film starring himself whose general tenor can be gathered from this opening snippet of dialogue: "The finality of life, it sucks big fuckin' cock." Sicilian Vampire is his fourth film, a feat of productivity made possible by D'Angelo's decision to shoot all his films in five days or less. All of these films cost at least $5 million Canadian (about $3.7 million U.S.), with actors paid in cash. [source]

if that's what we wanna do

I've been brainstorming food items for the pub that Chris Castle and I plan to open in Seattle.

What I have so far:

Mex Mix
A mix of Takis, cacahuates japoneses, Totis Donitas, Sabritas Adobadas, chicharrones, and Gardetto's roasted garlic rye chips.

A mix of Belgian fries, curly fries, garlic waffle fries, sweet potato crinkle-cut fries, and tater tots served in a mixing bowl.

Doomsday Pepper
A roasted poblano pepper stuffed with canned meats and [Kraft cheese powder + evaporated milk], breaded with instant ramen, and fried.

Fuck, Marry, Kale
Deep-fried oysters and calamari rings served with a kale aioli.

Florida Man
An alligator/python-sausage corn dog served with Grey Poupon.

Suicide Wings
Six chicken wings, each with a different soda-fountain-based glaze – Coca-Cola, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, root beer, Orange Fanta, Mountain Dew.

Olympia Burger
A cheeseburger topped with chips and a Pepsi barbecue sauce.

The Hajj
A play on a Thanksgiving sandwich. Pita bread, turkey shawarma, cranberry chutney, stuffing-flavoured falafel, toum mashed potatoes, tahini gravy.

Bill Murray
A play on an egg cream (chocolate syrup + milk + carbonated water). The chocolate syrup is thinned Nutella with a sriracha kick. The milk is almond milk. The carbonated water is LaCroix. Served with a bacon straw.

I want to name our pub "Ipecac." Chris prefers "Alterations."

Come snuggle with a thug

Now screening at Sundance:

Bushwick (2017)
On the way to Grandma's house with a new boyfriend in tow, Lucy (Brittany Snow) steps off the subway into an utter bloodbath on the streets of Brooklyn's Bushwick neighborhood. Texas is attempting to secede from the Union, and militia forces have descended upon New York City to claim it as an East Coast base of operations and negotiation tool. Faced with a flurry of whizzing bullets and total destruction around every corner, Lucy takes shelter in the basement of Stupe (Dave Bautista), a burly war veteran who reluctantly helps her traverse the treacherous five-block stretch of Bushwick to reach her destination—assuming it's still there.

Bolstered by an immersive score from Aesop Rock.

related: Crown Heights (2017), starring Nnamdi Asomugha – also now screening at Sundance

related: Brighton Beach (2017), starring FKA twigs



Synopsis: "Two 'foodie' brothers kidnap those who ruin their dining experience and kill them – each in their own unique 'food-related' manner."

According to IMDB, Kevin Nash plays himself in Slaw, and returns in Slaw 2, which is already in pre-production.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

4. In the beginning (The Young Pope, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Mickey trying to make Ben throw up by putting her fingers down his throat and jiggling (The Mick, S01E04)
  • La La Land Interrogation (Saturday Night Live, S42E12)
  • Dirty Talk (Saturday Night Live, S42E12)
  • Five Stars (Saturday Night Live, S42E12)

Stray Observations

  • "Who the hell are you?"
    "My name's Sherlock Holmes."
    "The detective."
    "The pirate." (Sherlock, S04E03)
  • Sherlock Season Grade: C-
  • Clown gag (The Mick, S01E04)
  • ♫: Labradford – "By Chris Johnston, Craig Markva, Jamie Evans," (The Young Pope, S01E01)
  • "I'll wait here for my Cherry Coke Zero." (The Young Pope, S01E01)
  • ♫: Melodium – "Kissing Disease" (The Young Pope, S01E01)
  • "The past is an enormous place with all sorts of things inside. Not so with the present. The present is merely a narrow opening with room for only one pair of eyes – mine." (The Young Pope, S01E01)
  • "Was it hard? To close off the Basilica to tourists?"
    "No, no. All we had to do was hang up a sign saying 'closed.'" (The Young Pope, S01E01)
  • ♫: Andrew Bird – "Logan's Loop" (The Young Pope, S01E02)
  • ♫: Recondite – "Levo" (The Young Pope, S01E02)
  • ♫: Land Observations – "Nice to Turin" (The Young Pope, S01E02)
  • "Time for your snack, Holy Father." (The Young Pope, S01E02)
  • "I have to have my snack now." (The Young Pope, S01E02)
  • "This isn't gonna be some back-alley sack waxing." (New Girl, S06E13)

(Fresh Off the Boat, S03E10)

  • Combo! (Taboo, S01E02)
  • RT: King George is basically just fat Mycroft from The Abominable Bride. (Taboo, S01E02)
  • "We are an angry nation."
    "Yeah. I'm counting on it." (Taboo, S01E02)
  • "You are their whore, the same as almost everyone else in this city, apart from those who are actually labeled a 'whore.'" (Taboo, S01E02)
  • "We will haunt this nigger to justice." (Taboo, S01E02)
  • Scroobius Pip (Taboo, S01E02)

(WWE NXT, 01-18-17)

  • "You're kind of a loose cannon."
    "A loose cannon downs more ships." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E11)
  • "He is your new grandma's flowers. Don't let him die." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E11)
  • "I asked for a Randy and he gave me a Brad." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E11)
  • Gregory Hines photograph (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E11)
  • "That is the first time I've wanted to show you all five, not just the middle one." (Speechless, S01E13)
  • Dennis Quaid? (Workaholics, S07E02)

(Workaholics, S07E02)

  • That was Topher Grace? (Workaholics, S07E02)
  • The Methelda Show (Man Seeking Woman, S03E03)
  • "I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence." (The Good Place, S01E12)
  • Alice Murphy (The Good Place, S01E12)
  • "As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest—ohh. He's from Florida? Yeah. He belongs in the Bad Place." (The Good Place, S01E12)
  • "He who smelt it murdered Janet." (The Good Place, S01E13)
  • (The Good Place, S01E13)
  • Pizza is the new frozen yogurt (The Good Place, S01E13)
  • The Good Place Season Grade: B

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


By the way, you do things to my body

Idea: The Price Is Right: Music Edition

Contestants' Row: The contestant whose rating is closest to the actual Pitchfork rating of an album without going over advances.

To win Plinko chips: One tour, four cities. Was the average resale ticket price for this tour's stop in this city higher or lower than the price listed?

Hole in One: Order six items from a musical artist's tour rider from least to most expensive.

Cliff Hangers: Three albums. How long is each album, in minutes, rounded up? For every minute you're off, the climber goes up one.

One Away: Five singles by one musical artist, five numbers that are one away from where each single peaked on the Billboard Hot 100.

Range Game: The range is the tracklist for an album. The range finder is three songs. We surveyed 1000 fans of this album. Stop the range finder where most people answered is this album's best three-song stretch.

The Showcase: Name the cost of one of two music videos.

Let's get gory, like a Tarantino movie


Deadline's interview with Cameron Crowe revealed that Crowe wrote [Jerry Maguire] for … Tom Hanks! Who knew??? That almost broke my brain. (Yes, Hanks turned it down.) Crowe also revealed that Connie Britton nearly ended up with the Renée Zellweger part and that Cuba Gooding Jr. beat out Jamie Foxx for Rod Tidwell. I continue to think that "Hollywood Movie Casting What-ifs" would be a riveting book.

As Hollywood seems to be remaking or rebooting everything, why not remake or reboot projects with actors who passed on the original or were beaten out?

Remake Jerry Maguire with Tom Hanks, Connie Britton, and Jamie Foxx.

Reboot The Sopranos with Ray Liotta as Tony Soprano.

Yes, a remake of White Men Can't Jump is wholly unnecessary, but what if it actualised a parallel universe? Eh?

According to White Men Can't Jump's IMDb trivia, Charlie Sheen was the first choice for the role of Billy Hoyle, and Fox wanted Denzel Washington for the role of Sidney Dean.