Jack Lives Here

// Seattle, WA

Chris: I've lived below both frat boys and sorority girls. I preferred living below the frat boys.
Jon: Oh?
Mike: Because of the shoes the sorority girls wore for parties.


Chris: Did you like Wonder Woman?
Jon: It was okay.
Chris: I didn't like it. Well, I didn't like what I've seen. I haven't finished it yet. While watching it last night, I felt the urge to watch another film and switched.
Jon: Which other film?
Chris: MacGruber.

Chris: HE ASSEMBLES A TEAM OF WRESTLERS AND THEY BLOW UP!
Chris: BIG SHOW KISSES A MAN!!!

If there's a hell below, we're all going to go

// Mount Vernon, WA

Elizabeth and I are driving up to Vancouver, BC to see a film.

Jon: Hey, how's your brother?
Elizabeth: Uhh… Did something happen to him?
Jon: Uhh… I just know that you have a brother.
Elizabeth: Oh. He's become somewhat of a celebrity. I thought you might have seen something that I didn't.
Jon: A celebrity, eh?
Elizabeth: Google Arthur's name.

I google Arthur's name.

Jon: "Meet the Trump backer leading the resistance to the resistance in California."

Elizabeth:

Lazy Sunday

// Seattle, WA

Tony and I are walking up Broadway in Capitol Hill. We pass two dudes who are walking their bikes.

Tony: Whoops. Excuse me.

Behind me, I hear someone spit, followed by "I didn't mean to do that. I was spitting on the ground and— I spat toward the ground and…"

Tony and I enter a QFC.

Jon: Did that bicyclist just spit at you?
Tony: Yup, on the back of my neck. Not a loogie, but spittle.

Tony: Before he did, I heard him mutter "Fuckin' bitch. I oughta spit on you."

Tony: Can you check my back for spit?

Jon: All clear.


Tony and I are making garlic chips.

Jon: The recipe says "use chopsticks to make sure they don't stick together in the hot oil."

Tony searches for chopsticks.

Tony: I only have one wooden chopstick. The rest are all plastic.
Jon: Why do you only have one wooden chopstick?
Tony: I use the other one to make coffee.

Tony directs my eyes toward a window sill, where I notice the other wooden chopstick.


Tony: I'm googling "what to do if someone spits on you."

Tony: First comment on a gunsamerica.com post: "Well, if you are a police officer, you shoot the bastard. He might have AIDS, and your life is in danger."

I google "what to do if someone spits on you."

Jon: "A palm-heel at a 45 degree angle into the nose is a nice response to spit in the face."
Jon: Reply to that comment: "A palm heel strike to the nose can shear off the cartilage in the nose and send that 'bone' fragment into the brain. Instantly killing the person. Not the proper response for being spat upon."

Tony: forum.bodybuilding.com: "I had a little kid spit on my face once (8 years old or something) and I know they don't really understand how disrespectful that shit is, but I pushed him to the ground and made him cry lol (no child abuser)."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


41. Schoolhouse Roots (Black-ish, S04E01)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • Fanimated (Bob's Burgers, S08E01)
  • "I like dating." (Bob's Burgers, S08E01)
  • "The idea came from a childhood cartoon called TaleSpin. One of the characters in there would jump out of an airplane, throw a board under his feet, grab on to a rope, and get towed behind the airplane through the sky." (Shark Tank, S09E01)
  • Jack Black cameo (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • "Now let's have a moment of silent prayer while I decapitate Pat with a shovel." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • "Looks like he loved you very much before you shot him." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • "Hey, bud, you done with my shirt?" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • "That Pamela is a real B – minus the stinger, plus the 'itch.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • "Ooh, a coconut breast milk smoothie would be next level. For Dawn, not for me. Virgin. The drink, not Dawn. Well, may I presume she's a virgin as well?" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • Constipated Carrie Brownstein (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "You guys got some great slang." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "I shot a porno constipated. I ran a 5K marathon constipated. I was in a hot dog eating contest constipated. You cannot let this bitch use constipation as something to lean on." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "That's a fuckin' bride. You a goddamn groom." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "It's a cooking spray, PAM."
    "No, it's People Against Mutilation." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "If it was a parrot, it would be a tragedy, or some exotic bird from Brazil, like a macaw or a toucan."
    "I don't live in a Cuban dance hall." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "Cruditake." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "Fatwa by association." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "Fatwa?"
    "No, lesbian bride." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "It is big, isn't it?"
    "Why are you asking me?"
    "Well, you're the one I stick it in, Christine. Who else am I gonna ask?"
    "Yeah, it's fine. I mean, I don't know. I haven't seen a lot of penises."
    "Well, certainly you know if it's, if it's small…"
    "It's perfect for me… Big ones hurt."
    "Well, I could hurt you. I could hit both walls if I wanted – and your uterus." (Vice Principals, S02E03)


(Vice Principals, S02E03)

  • "Well, you're not even my type either."
    "Okay…"
    "I don't like it when girls have just landing strips. I've always liked it more when girls have full-blown beavers. Anybody who knows me knows that. So no matter how close we would have gotten, it would have only been so close, 'cause you just don't have enough pubic hair. [sniffles]" (Vice Principals, S02E03)
  • "I am Presidentress of the Megagargantuans. We named ourselves before learning we were small." (Rick and Morty, S03E10)
  • "Senior year, I took you on a date to the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra performing the music of Alan Silvestri in the park. At this point in the song from Volcano, when Tommy Lee Jones and the utility workers are using cars to guide the lava into a cul de sac, I realized my palms were so sweaty, I would never get to hold your hand…" (Rick and Morty, S03E10)
  • Rick and Morty Season Grade: C+
  • "I was a contestant on Studs once." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E01)
  • "You ready, son?"
    "Is The Secret World of Alex Mack the best show on television?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E01)
  • "What are you worried about? Relax… Have some Molly." (The Mick, S02E02)
  • "What about Magic Johnson's Still Alive Day?" (Black-ish, S04E01)
  • "UVA."
    "We built that."
    "Chapel Hill."
    "We built that."
    "Pyramids."
    "No, sorry, our Hebrew brothers get credit for that." (Black-ish, S04E01)
  • "You've never truly loved until you've loved your cousin." (Black-ish, S04E01)
  • "Grab a blonde and miscegenate." (Black-ish, S04E01)


(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)

  • "Imagination is never the solution." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)
  • "There is nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)
  • "Ugh, typical shiksa." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)
  • "The perception of credibility leads to the perception of power." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • "The world isn't 'tell me,' it's 'show me.'" (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • "Latin is inherently scary." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • "Ave Satanas, motherfucker." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • "The world record for nails in the head before death is 13." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • The Red Pill (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • "It's not fair that I get to put up these walls and you can't with me, so I think it's only fair that I reveal myself to you."
    "Are you going to show me your…?"
    "No! But I am gonna show you…my emotional penis." (Speechless, S02E02)
  • ♫: Holy Oysters – "Take Me for a Ride" (You're the Worst, S04E06)
  • "One of my employees is blackmailing me – Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place in the main square, A Little Bit Chowder Now."
    "Oh, the place with the, the chowder fountain."
    "No, that's Pump Up the Clam. Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder. [gags] How did we ever think this was the Good Place?" (The Good Place, S02E04)
  • "I might be the most advanced Janet in the universe." [pats head while rubbing stomach] (The Good Place, S02E04)
  • "Oh, no… I died in Cleveland?" (The Good Place, S02E04)
  • "Not gonna do it – Dana Carvey." (Great News, S02E02)
  • "Look at these two. Just like Sam and Diane."
    "From Cheers, the classic '80s alcoholism PSA?"
    "No, Salmon Diane, the classic fish recipe. Just salmon and nacho cheese. You wouldn't think they would go together, and in many ways, they do not." (Great News, S02E02)
  • "With the help of a guy from Craigslist, our tailor was able to take all the measurements he needed." (Nathan For You, S04E02)


(Nathan For You, S04E02)

  • "I also had a cane with a secret trigger that could dispense organic sour cream on demand, a trucker hat with a built-in cheese grater to deliver fresh cheddar cheese, and lastly, a cargo pocket full of chives." (Nathan For You, S04E02)
  • "I did feel a little bad that no one wanted anything to do with our wart angels that day." (Nathan For You, S04E02)
  • "Uh, type of pacemaker you have?"
    "Umm… I think it's uhhh… Sony?" (Nathan For You, S04E02)
  • ♫: Barnes and Barnes – "Fish Heads" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

You don't miss your water 'til your well runs dry

Today is my 35th birthday.

Last month, Adam Riff™ dot com turned 17.

By my calculation, on August 17, 2018, this website will have consumed exactly half of my life.

And from August 17, 2018 on, this website will have consumed over half of my life.

Half of my life – all because I wanted to be able to joke about giant throbbing erections and execution by firing squad with impunity.

My son will be a senior in high school next year.

Eater's Digest: September 29, 2017

Trying out single-day digests for local eating.

San Francisco, CA
salt and straw / the saratoga / media noche / wesburger 'n' more


Creepy Crawly Critters Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)
matcha ice cream spiked with zesty orange, hiding real dark chocolate-covered crickets and coconut toffee-brittle mealworms
—The crickets and mealworms are negligible. It's basically matcha ice cream with some textural bits.

Roasted Strawberry Tres Leches Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)
rich strawberry ice cream made with roasted oxnard strawberries, a touch of salt, sweet cream, creamy tres leches cake, a swirl of bright strawberry vanilla jam
—Scrumptious.

Peach Vinegar Cobbler with Toasted Nutmeg Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)
salted vanilla ice cream with a hint of toasted nutmeg, jammy california peaches roasted in peach vinegar, toasted nutmeg crumble
—The vinegar works!



Green Chartreuse-Glazed Doughnut (The Saratoga)
chocolate old-fashioned, rainbow sprinkles

^ Chartreuse is a French herbal liqueur distilled by monks through a secret process known only to them.

I couldn't discern the Chartreuse glaze, but I think I felt it in my throat after eating the doughnut, though that may have been the peppermint Orbit gum I was chewing beforehand.


El Cubano Sandwich (Media Noche)
roasted mojo pork shoulder, smoked ham, swiss, house pickles, mustard
—A case of "second time not as dynamite as the first."

Previously at Media Noche:


Mi Abuelita Favorita Moon Bar (Media Noche)
guava cheesecake ice cream dipped in chocolate, crushed maria cookies

^ The ice cream is made with water buffalo milk.


PB&J Burger (WesBurger 'N' More)
6oz patty with peanut butter, onion rings, jalapeño strawberry jam, and sharp cheddar
—Didn't really taste like anything.

Queso (WesBurger 'N' More)
—Like Franklin ruined brisket for me, Torchy's ruined queso. Few other quesos compare.

Previously at WesBurger:

Nashville Hot Chicken Sandwich (WesBurger 'N' More)
buttermilk-battered, extra crispy fried chicken dipped in house nashville spice mix, served with garlic mayo, lettuce, and pickles

Fried Chicken Burrito (WesBurger 'N' More)
fried chicken, pintos, corn salad, avocado, crema, cheese, and salsa


MISSED CONNECTIONS

Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch Pudding (The Saratoga)
black label scotch caramel

Jerk Salad (WesBurger 'N' More)
jerked chicken, pickled veg, peach, avo, tomato, fried shallot, romaine

#eatersdigest

Eater's Digest: Las Vegas 5

This was supposed to be longer, but I didn't end up returning this past weekend.

August 2017
sparrow + wolf / jaburritos / secret pizza / tipsy robot / tacos el gordo / taco bell cantina / chada thai / ameriCAN beer bar



Bento Box (Sparrow + Wolf)
a three-tier selection of premium oysters, shellfish, cured meats, terrines, and seasonal condiments

^ $75 appetizer.


Chinatown Clams Casino (Sparrow + Wolf)
lap cheong, shiitake mushroom, uni hollandaise


Beef Cheek and Bone Marrow Dumpling (Sparrow + Wolf)
green onion emulsion


Coal Roasted Beets and Endive (Sparrow + Wolf)
pea shoots, oro blanco, shaved fennel, sheep's milk blue, and bird seed

^ I cleaned the plate of bird seed.

(Sparrow + Wolf) shares a building with


Drew texts me this image:

Jon: Is this Vegas?
Drew: No, Philly.
Jon: Huh. Because I have a Pokéman in my notes for Vegas.

Jon: Gotta try them all?



Sushi Cupcakes (Jaburritos)

^ Like miniature sushi bowls in crispy wonton shells.

Smoked Salmon Cupcake (Jaburritos)
smoked salmon, red onion, dill, cream cheese, garnished with dill and masago

Spicy Surimi Crab Cupcake (Jaburritos)
spicy surimi crab, guacamole, cream cheese, garnished with togarashi

Spicy Tuna Cupcake (Jaburritos)
spicy tuna, spicy mayo, eel sauce, garnished with cucumber and crispy garlic



White Pie (Secret Pizza)

^ Still.


At (Tipsy Robot), you order a cocktail on a tablet, choosing a specialty cocktail or creating one of your own, and then watch a robotic arm make your order.


MISSED CONNECTIONS

Sausage and Stout Pizza (Pizza Rock)
honey-malted guinness beer dough, house-made mozzarella, house-made beer sausage, caramelized onions, fontina cheese, green onion, crushed red peppers, beer salt, drizzled with a sweet guinness reduction


Palace Pan Roast (The Oyster Bar)
shrimp, crab, chicken, and andouille sausage

^ David Chang: "It's the best dish in Las Vegas."

#eatersdigest

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


40. The Tipping Point (Nathan For You, S04E01)


Honourable Mention

  • Chaz Bono sawing his arm off to go vote for Trump on election night (American Horror Story, S07E04)
  • Ace Ventura impersonator (Nathan For You, S04E01)
  • Papyrus (Saturday Night Live, S43E01)
  • Breadfacing (American Vandal, S01E07)

Stray Observations

  • "Confess into my voice-mail application now!" (Vice Principals, S02E02)
  • "Ms. LeBlanc, why don't you take your Euripides and shove it up your ass?" (Vice Principals, S02E02)
  • "Wow, dad, your place looks way less like a crack house."
    "It's actually clean, like a cocaine house." (Rick and Morty, S03E09)
  • "Whatever you say, Stone Cold Steve Austin." (Rick and Morty, S03E09)
  • ♫: Dan Harmon and Ryan Elder – "Fathers and Daughters (feat. Chaos Chaos)"
  • "Get me Picante Beef, bitch boy." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E01)
  • "Are you really playing the gay card right now?"
    "Yaas queen." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E01)
  • "I can't believe we're going to gen pop. A cop and a cannibal? Everyone's gonna be trying to kill us."
    "I know! What are we gonna do?"
    "You're a psychopath. You can protect us in there, right? I mean, you killed an ate a bunch of people."
    "They were children, Jake. Meek little children. One conk on the head was all it took."
    "Dammit! I can't believe I'm friends with a cowardly cannibal." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E01)
  • "Man, my cousin was so tasty." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E01)
  • "Okay, look, I've been in prison for 15 years. I'm not good with new technology. If you want somebody to lure a kid to a park using a Lycos chat room, I'm your man." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E01)
  • "I'll grab you in the pussy!" (American Horror Story, S07E04)
  • "Young guys just don't appreciate how sensitive women's nipples are." (American Horror Story, S07E04)
  • "I'm gonna be on the TODAY Show one day, and I don't care how many dicks I have to suck to get there." (American Horror Story, S07E04)
  • "Are you gonna watch?" (American Horror Story, S07E04)
  • "You know, they just used this song in Guardians of the Galaxy." (Speechless, S02E01)


(South Park, S21E03)

  • "There are no stray dogs in Berlin! The animal welfare system is tight!" (You're the Worst, S04E04)
  • "You said you befriended Fatboy Slim on our behalf."
    "Okay, guys, but think about that. What does that even mean?" (You're the Worst, S04E04)
  • "It'll work. I'm a publicist. You ever hear the one that goes 'Courtney Love is smart now'?"
    "That was you?" (You're the Worst, S04E04)
  • "Sushi and the Banshees." (The Good Place, S02E03)
  • Clam chowder fountain (The Good Place, S02E03)
  • "Maybe they finally figured out clam chowder is disgusting because it's basically a savoury latte with bugs in it." (The Good Place, S02E03)
  • "And clam chowder is disgusting! It's just hot ocean milk with dead animal croutons." (The Good Place, S02E03)
  • "I've only ever said 'I love you' to two men my entire life: Stone Cold Steve Austin, and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin." (The Good Place, S02E03)
  • "Everyone remain calm! Read my mug!" (Great News, S02E01)
  • "I just wanted to make sure that you're okay, you know, 'cause I am in a relationship."
    "Oh, I know, I know, with…Cat, who is…a person."
    "She's in heat right now."
    [pause]
    "They're doing a Broadway remake of the movie." (Great News, S02E01)
  • "Now, Rex, I have to imagine you have something to say about animal sacrifice as a homosexual dog…who also served in the militaryyy!" (Great News, S02E01)
  • Henry Thomas (Better Things, S02E03)
  • Billy West and Tom Kenny (Better Things, S02E03)
  • "I'm the editor-in-chief of the Diarrhea Times." (Nathan For You, S04E01)
  • "Your lead story is a movie review of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist?" (Nathan For You, S04E01)
  • "Entering a bank handcuffed to another man is a very risky manoeuvre." (Nathan For You, S04E01)
  • ♫: Pavement – "Summer Babe [Winter Version]" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E07)
  • "How short are we talking?"
    "Well, it's, um… It's pretty short. Like, shorter than Dorothy Hamill's, but not as short as Mark Hamill – somewhere mid-Hamill?" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E07)
  • Gordon! (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E07)
  • American Vandal Season Grade: B-

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

#clipoftheweek


Looking ahead:

Breadfacing

Little Fish
As highly anticipated Pike Place Market restaurant, bar, and microcannery Little Fish has been bumped from a projected November opening to a January 2018 timeline, Antonitsas and her team will preview their menu at Cicchetti.

Inventive items include radishes with salt cured anchovy butter, Madrona smoked salt, and ash; an "octo-dog" of grilled octopus, saffron aioli, and kelp pickles on a sesame roll; and a "Baked Seattle" dessert featuring cannabis-leaf custard, meringue, and berries.

Bollocks. No dates while I'm in Seattle.

Cow by Bear
A 14-person dinner party opens with a snack and a cocktail, followed by three wine pairings for a five-course dinner that climaxes with a 50-day dry-aged ribeye roast entree. Oh, also the host is an anonymous chef in a bear costume.

$195 and a communal table, though…

Lady Aspirin

After a decade of failed attempts, Universal's Halloween Horror Nights creative director John Murdy finally landed the rights to turn Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining into a haunted maze. [source]


To me, escape room experiences are too short.

$37 for 50 minutes? And I might not escape the room?

Jon: Are you familiar with "100 doors" games?
Adam Robot: No.
Jon You have to open a series of 100 doors, but each door opens differently.

Idea: A "100 doors" escape room challenge. Instead of escaping just one room, 100 rooms! How long you play is up to you. $37 for until you give up. Access room 101 and receive your $37 back.


Gorillas and Anacondas

homer_b is a dark, experimental film featuring live actors wearing Simpsons masks. It's a companion piece to another short, homer_a, an even more dark short in which a masked Homer is killed by kids in Bart and Millhouse masks. Describing it as "The Simpsons meets Harmony Korine"… [source]


homer_a


homer_b


Fox has a new programme (Ghosted) in which Adam Scott and Craig Robinson fight the paranormal, but Syfy has a new programme in which Vincent D'Onofrio and Meat Loaf do the same:

Jason Priestley and Leslie Hope (Teri Bauer on 24) each directed two episodes of Ghost Wars.


Pingyao Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon International Film Festival is being described as "the first boutique Chinese film festival."

Named after Ang Lee's film, the competition section will also bear the names respectively. Crouching Tigers will round up emerging talents with debut or sophomore features from around the world. Hidden Dragons zeroes on the latest trends and developments in genre cinema. [source]

The top prize has to be the Green Destiny, right?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

39. Vancouver, BC (Nathan For You: A Celebration, 09-21-17)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • Potato soup (The Deuce, S01E02)
  • ♫: "Tears in Heaven" (Vice Principals, S02E01)
  • "It's almost like a Chinese buffet, but, you know, classier." (Vice Principals, S02E01)
  • "How dare you put ink of me onto your back of eating shit and holding his hand that way!" (Vice Principals, S02E01)
  • "And when I find that son of a bitch, I'm gonna shoot him in his dick."
    "Or her, 'cause it could be a girl."
    "Then she shall be shot in her privates too." (Vice Principals, S02E01)
  • "Tell Daphne to run a 199 on a possible Dolittle." (Rick and Morty, S03E08)
  • ♫: 331Erock – "Rick and Morty Meets Metal" (Rick and Morty, S03E08)
  • "People are like nature's apps." (The Good Place, S02E01)
  • "Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet. That's why Crocs have holes in them." (The Good Place, S02E01)
  • "What the fork, man?"
    "I know that book."
    "Is that some kind of nerd pick-up line?" (The Good Place, S02E01)
  • "Now it seems the collective rage and suspicion of this community has a focus, and it's a woman whose critics are calling 'a lesbian George Zimmerman.'" (American Horror Story, S07E03)
  • "His name is Mr. Guinea."
    "Sweetie, come on, you know we don't like cisnormative pet names." (American Horror Story, S07E03)
  • "Stop saying 'sorry' – for anything. That makes you nothing. Everything is somebody else's fault from now on. Do you understand? You want to be somebody? You want to matter? Then you make the world wrong." (American Horror Story, S07E03)
  • "Sir, try to calm down."
    "No, I can't calm down! You need to calm up! You need to get to my level!" (American Horror Story, S07E03)
  • "Listen, when I ask you if you wish you could have all your dinner ingredients delivered to your door, say 'yes.' I mean, I know that seems obvious, but for some reason, Janeane Garofalo said 'no.'" (You're the Worst, S04E04)
  • "Jack FM, like if the worst kid in detention had sex with radio station." (You're the Worst, S04E04)
  • Friday Night Lights (Channel Zero, S02E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Rick and Morty

#clipoftheweek

Buttcon Limited

On my flight to Toronto, someone sitting in front of me watched the Robert De Niro Bernie Madoff film twice.

// Toronto, ON


Chinatown

Every time I visit Canada, it seems like its credit card technology has advanced some more past America's. They were inserting when we were still swiping, and now as we're inserting, they've moved on to tapping. Just tap the card reader!

One night, I didn't have coins or tokens on me, so I had to pay streetcar fare with a credit card, but the machine only accepted cards you tap, of which I have none.

I could have used Apple Pay, but my iPhone was dead.

Adam Robot: Phone payment is the future, not plastic cards.
Jon: Maybe phone payment is the metric future?


Entertainment District

I got sick while in Toronto and bought store-brand combination DayQuil/NyQuil – green and white tablets.

One day, I almost dozed off during two film screenings and couldn't understand why. Why was I sleepy after a good night's sleep?

The following day, I realized that I had been ingesting night tablets in daytime. The white tablets were night tablets and the green tablets were day tablets.

Why would you colour day tablets green?!


Riverdale

Gorillas don't do that, bitches do that

John Larroquette was cheaper than old age make-up.

Now I want to see Night Court with Bobby Moynihan as Dan.

Oh, Jaleel White plays Bobby Moynihan's best mate?

Now I want to see Family Matters with Bobby Moynihan as Carl.

Sitcom Idea: Did Me, Myself & I Do That??? – Same Carl and Steve, different ages.

Young Urkel > Young Sheldon.


Coke Zero re-branding as Coke Zero Sugar is like when the frontman of Papa Roach changed his name from Coby Dick to Jacoby Shaddix.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

38. All possible viewing angles of the dock (American Vandal, S01E02)


Stray Observations

  • ♫: Vince Staples – "Big Fish" (Insecure, S02E08)
  • ♫: TOBi – "Hidden Fences" (Insecure, S02E08)
  • ♫: Opening with Tyler, the Creator and closing with Frank Ocean (Insecure, S02E08)
  • Insecure Season Grade: B-
  • Preacher Season Grade: C-
  • "That's the pistol Nicole used in Cold Mountain." (American Horror Story, S07E02)
  • "Lesbians! We're under attack!" (American Horror Story, S07E02)
  • "He even went to Standing Rock with Matt McGorry. They got into a fight over who's more woke."
    "It's Matt McGorry, right?"
    "Obviously." (You're the Worst, S04E03)
  • ♫: Nick Monaco – "Lovers Do" (You're the Worst, S04E03)


(You're the Worst, S04E03)

  • "Truth or dare?"
    "Umm…dare."
    "You have to put four Monopoly houses up your vagina."
    "That's the same as a hotel."
    "Okay, or a hotel. You have to put four Monopoly houses or a hotel up your vagina."
    [pause]
    "What? You said 'dare.'" (Better Things, S02E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Rick and Morty

#clipoftheweek

Sleep Well Beast

On August 8, I received this e-mail:

It links to a screenshot I posted on Adam Riff™ on March 19, 2014 of a spam e-mail that amused me.

I ran Vivek's e-mail by McKern and he sent me a wanking GIF, so I felt okay ignoring it.

But Vivek persisted, leaving – through Labour Day – increasingly agitated comments daily on said March 2014 Adam Riff™ post.

For example:

A First Information Report (FIR) is a written document prepared by police organizations in Bangladesh, India, and Pakistan when they receive information about the commission of a cognisable offence.

If your claims are true, I wondered, shouldn't you be trying to imprison whoever's defaming and abusing your sister? Or whoever sent the e-mail I screenshot?

Mark as spam.


Today, my domain registrar forwarded me this e-mail:

[sigh]

While I am adamant against deleting anything from Adam Riff™'s archive, even puerile stuff from college that could and probably has cost me job opportunities, I fucking can't with Vivek/Agni any longer.

So: I replaced the screenshot in question with one with all contact information blurred out and a stock photo of an Indian girl as its thumbnail.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

37. Ball and Glove (Twin Peaks, S03E17)


Stray Observations

  • "You've gone soft in your old age."
    "Not where it counts, buddy." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "Catch you…with my death bag." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "One for the grandkids." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "It's a good thing we made so many sandwiches." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "See you at the curtain call." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • Disposing of guns in a deep fryer (Twin Peaks, S03E18)
  • The woman in Laura Palmer's house is played by the woman who owns the house in real life (Twin Peaks, S03E18)
  • Twin Peaks Season Grade: B
  • "I'm-a spray his face with cum eggs." (Insecure, S02E07)
  • Garrett's buttery ranch and caramel crisp popcorn (Insecure, S02E07)
  • "Must've been a sale on denim." (Insecure, S02E07)
  • Más Malo (Insecure, S02E07)
  • "I wasn't staring at it, Cassidy. I was noticing it."
    "Noticing the floor finger without a wonder in the world." (Preacher, S02E12)
  • "That's a pretty far-fetched theory, Cassidy, even for you."
    "I'm telling you, mate. If you watch that movie again, you'll see. Tyler Durden does exist."
    "You're saying the twist to Fight Club is there is no twist?"
    "Exactly."
    "How do you figure that?"
    "Because nobody listens to ugly people, padre. If you're gonna inspire an anti-materialistic organization with worldwide designs on erasing global debt, you gotta look like Brad Pitt."
    "Well, hold on now. I wouldn't exactly call Edward Norton ugly."
    […]
    "…instrumental in 37 covert Dutch ops just this last year alone."
    "Dutch ops?"
    "Oh, yeah!"
    "Well, the Dutch foreskin plant must be booming."
    "Every country doesn't have their own foreskin plant. The Netherlands are the leading consumers in the foreskin market – 10 to 1. They buy so much of the shite. Half goes to waste, so they end up they sneaking the excess into toothpaste and into baby formula. Like how Brad Pitt, how he sells the fat lady soap to rich ladies."
    "You mean Edward Norton?"
    "No, I mean Brad Pitt, because he does exist. Look, the point is, the Netherlands are like a sexy Tyler Durden and someone's gotta stop them."
    "Come on, Cass. That can't be true."
    "Widespread reports – substantiated reports, to be honest."
    "Well, if it makes it taste better, then what's the harm in it?"
    "It's foreskin into baby formula!" (Preacher, S02E12)
  • "Try some of this."
    [coughs]
    "What? Too much Neosporin?" (Preacher, S02E12)
  • Dan Quayle book (Preacher, S02E12)
  • Evan Peters humping his television (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "Oh, go to hell, Huffington Post! Fuck you, Nate Silver!" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "And who's at 40,000 votes and counting? Jill Stein!" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "Why is wrong with CNN for not giving us a trigger warning before they announced the results?" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • Evan Peters with blended cheese puffs on his face (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "There is nothing more dangerous in this world than a humiliated man." (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "When I got into the booth, I couldn't do it. I tried! You know that I did! But as much as I hate him, I didn't trust her!"
    "But Jill Stein?" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "Proudest moment of my life is when Lena Dunham retweeted me." (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • ♫: Esther Holt – "What You Know" (You're the Worst, S04E01)
  • ♫: The Cranberries – "Zombie" (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • "It was just a long con to prank me by someone who I did wrong – probably Jason Mraz for when I called him a fedora-wearing diarrhea." (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • "I could read people like a deck of cards, and you're holding the Q of clovers." (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • ♫: Barenaked Ladies – "One Week" (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • "She Canada-rapped at me." (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • ♫: Caveboy – "Home Is Where" (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • ♫: Lee Moses – "California Dreaming" (Snowfall, S01E10)
  • Snowfall Season Grade: C
  • "I put all of the death metal CDs on one shelf, from the simple bands like Obituary and Cannibal Corpse on the left, to melodic and technical death in the middle, followed by death/black and grind/death and death cross-overs, and then I put the industrial death, folk death, and barely death at the end. And then, the next shelf was for black metal through the whole Norwegian scene, like Mayhem and Burzum, through the un-black, and then the not-really-black-but-sorta-fits, like Cradle of Filth." (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E04)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Rick and Morty

#clipoftheweek