Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

22. Adult 2.0 Keynote (Silicon Valley, S02E07)


Stray Observations

  • "Oh my." (Game of Thrones, S05E07)
  • "All rulers are either butchers or meat." (Game of Thrones, S05E07)
  • "Before he brought us Digg, Kevin Rose had to bring us…a whole lot of useless things, then after Digg as well, for that matter." (Silicon Valley, S02E07)
  • Crazy Town's "Butterfly" – a joke in Orange County and Silicon Valley (Silicon Valley, S02E07)
  • "Get Mike to draft a statement. He's got a 'thoughts and prayers' template." (Veep, S04E07)
  • "I like my bourbon like I like my women – 18 years old and wet."
    "I'm more of a White Russian man myself." (Veep, S04E07)


(True Life: I Hate My Butt, 05-25-15)

  • "She doesn't understand filmmaking. I lived in New York." (Community, S06E12)
  • "Don't Jim the camera like that." (Community, S06E12)
  • "White people like encouragement. It really doesn't matter what form." (Community, S06E12)
  • "This is a man that knows how to marry his cousin!" (Community, S06E12)
  • "None of us would have met if Hitler hadn't been born."
    "Also, none of Britta's arguments would have a default analogy."
    "You go to the Hitler well a lot."
    "What are you, Hitler, Hitler?" (Community, S06E12)
  • "What are 'sickies'?"
    "Mexicans." (Louie, S05E08)
  • "Hey, don't knock the fart jokes! Those are my babies. Those are my fart babies." (Louie, S05E08)
  • "Every fart is funny. I've laughed at every fart I ever heard." (Louie, S05E08)
  • "I gotta take a pizza dump." (Louie, S05E08)
  • Louie Season Grade: C+


(Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E19)

  • "According to the lab, all the semen samples came from the same person, probably male." (Childrens Hospital, S06E11)

#clipoftheweek


Nunatak

Fatheads + porn stars = FapWrap


A mock-up of FapWrap's life-size Kendra Lust "Yummy Down" vinyl wall decal

Also available from FapWrap:


game console skins


and refrigerator wraps

I'm all for entrepreneurship, but who is the market for this? I can't imagine FapWrap appealing to even the most oafish bro, as he would want his home to be at least somewhat inviting to ladies, no?

Oh gawd, phone skins are in development.


The Best Pictures: 2000-2014

Previously on Adam Riff™:
21st century mixtape. Our favourite songs. One per year.


I thought it might be fun to do the same exercise with films.

Our favourite films of the 21st century. One per year.

The Participants
A. Me
B. Drew, who is a professional film critic
C. Steven, who runs a film website
D. Adam Robot, who gives this exercise someone native to each direction and time zone of America

Note: If applicable, you could select a film for the year it world premiered, or for the year it opened theatrically in North America.


2000

Drew: American Psycho
Nearly picked Almost Famous because it was the movie that made teenage me want to be a writer. But Bateman has slightly more staying power, overriding nostalgia…and of course it's a better movie overall. It's one of those "comes up multiple times a week" movies.

Steven: Memento [world premiere]
Do I lie to myself to be happy? Yes.

Adam Robot: Snatch

Jon: Chicken Run
I published a list of my favourite films of 2000 on this website in December 2000

— and, as I don't feel strongly about any of 2-10, I stand by my 18-year-old self.


2001

Drew: The Devil's Backbone
When people want to talk about movies that make them cry, this is always the one I bring up.

Steven: Bully + In the Bedroom
This was a tie 'cause I think Nick Stahl was incredible in both of these films. First time I heard of Tom Wilkinson and I've kept up ever since.

Adam Robot: Memento [theatrical release]

Jon: The Royal Tenenbaums
To me, Wes Anderson "made the leap" with this film. He has not reached its height since.


2002

Drew: Adaptation
Saw it at the Bala Theatre, a really cool, sadly closed historic cinema just outside Philly, when I was a freshman in college. I start thinking about ghost orchids every time I'm in that part of town.

Steven: Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance
I felt for both main characters. This is the only movie I'd ever want to remake if I could. I'd want Tom Cruise as the dad.

Adam Robot: City of God [world premiere]

Jon: The Believer
I love films about Nazis or neo-Nazis, and I adore this one. I'm probably the only person who owns a copy of its accompanying book, The Believer: Confronting Jewish Self-Hatred.


2003

Drew: Kill Bill: Vol. 1
This is my favorite movie so had to pick it for '03, which is tough since so many other of my favorites came out this year, too…Beat Takeshi's Zatoichi, American Splendor, Shattered Glass

Steven: City of God [theatrical release]
I knew I was seeing something great when they show the kid crying as they want him to shoot his buddy.

Adam Robot: Oldboy [world premiere]

Jon: [The] School of Rock
Feel good movie of the oughts.


2004

Drew: Shaun of the Dead
Another tough year, since I love both The Incredibles and Eternal Sunshine as well…had to go Shaun, though. I say "you got red on you" to people all the time.

Steven: Undertow
The best dialogue I heard all year.

Adam: Shaun of the Dead + Primer
You'll have to deal with 2004 having two.

Jon: Primer
Shane Carruth took from his surroundings what was needed and made of it something more – mind-bogglingly more.


2005

Drew: A History of Violence
Is this an overrated, underrated or just-right-rated movie? Me, I'd vote for underrated.

Steven: C.R.A.Z.Y.
I have two films that are interchangeable as my favorite film of all time. This is one of them. The dynamics of the mom and her maybe gay son are what get me.

Adam: A History of Violence

Jon: Oldboy [theatrical release]
While Steven was visiting me in Los Angeles, we rented this film on Adam Robot's recommendation, watched it, and then immediately returned to Cinefile to rent another Park Chan-wook film (Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance), so impressed were we.


2006

Drew: Children of Men
Could be for cinematography alone but it's also a great/super-depressing movie.

Steven: The Departed
I didn't think Martin Scorcese could remake a great film into something better. He did. Dropkick Murphys in the scene where they are driving was on point.

Adam: Children of Men

Jon: The Descent
This is the last film (and one of only a few films*) to genuinely scare me. To this day, I am uncomfortable driving behind a motor vehicle bearing poles or similar objects on its roof.

* The Descent, Buried Alive (TV Movie 1990), Die Hard 2


2007

Drew: Sunshine
One of the best casts. There Will Be Blood seemed like a strong contender here too, but I consider Sunshine one of my favorite movies pound for pound, sci-fi or otherwise.

Steven: There Will Be Blood
10 minutes into the film, no dialogue. Incredible acting. I'm your brother…from another mother.

Adam: There Will Be Blood

Jon: This Is England
Came for the neo-Nazis, stayed for its (and its two made-for-television sequels') staggering sense of place. I want to live in Shane Meadows' England.


2008

Drew: WALL•E
Another movie that comes up in my life multiple times a week, mostly in reference to humongous people I see in the mall or airport lost in their phones/drinking Slurpees/both.

Steven: Slumdog Millionaire
"Paper Planes" on the train? Danny Boyle hasn't come close to this film.

Adam: The Wrestler

Jon: Hunger
This film floored me. It's a masterpiece in all facets.


2009

Drew: A Serious Man
It's not the Coens' best movie, but I think it's their most original, and it has a really unique sense of time and place.

Steven: A Single Man
My other favorite film of all time. Both involve gay main characters.

Adam: District 9

Jon: Dogtooth
My spirit film.


2010

Drew: Winter's Bone
J-Law + Hawkes + the music.

Steven: The Social Network
This is gonna sound stupid, but I loved this movie for the very end. Just him refreshing the friend request.

Adam: Black Swan

Jon: Four Lions
Truly a film like no other. You can't not admire its audacity.


2011

Drew: Hanna
Tricky because I love Attack the Block and Martha Marcy May Marlene from this year pretty much equally…but Hanna is just so damn cool. One of those movies I still get excited about when I see it pop up on TV even though I've watched it a million times.

Steven: Take Shelter
Michael Shannon going crazy? Sold.

Adam: Drive

Jon: Michael
It's difficult to sell people on a film about a paedophile who holds a 10-year-old boy captive in his home, but imagine if Vince Gilligan made it. EH?


2012

Drew: The Raid: Redemption
What else?!

Steven: Beasts of the Southern Wild
Great soundtrack, great little girl. Great film. This is what Where the Wild Things Are should have been.

Adam: Spring Breakers

Jon: The Imposter
> The Jinx.


2013

Drew: Inside Llewyn Davis
I just love how it looks, feels and sounds. And the supporting cast is incredible.

Steven: Zero Charisma
Doesn't pull any punches. No happy ending. It's exactly how it is to be an outcast.

Adam: Under the Skin

Jon: Tim's Vermeer
An absorbing record of a triumph of the will.


2014

Drew: Only Lovers Left Alive
Such a cool, stylish, original and singular film…feel like it didn't get the love it deserved.

Steven: The Infinite Man
He knows his wants, he knows his faults, he knows how to overcome, but will any girl wait? I can relate.

Adam: Nightcrawler

Jon: Whiplash
An exhilarating depiction of a triumph of the will.


So.

Drew
2000: American Psycho
2001: The Devil's Backbone
2002: Adaptation
2003: Kill Bill: Vol. 1
2004: Shaun of the Dead
2005: A History of Violence
2006: Children of Men
2007: Sunshine
2008: WALL•E
2009: A Serious Man
2010: Winter's Bone
2011: Hanna
2012: The Raid: Redemption
2013: Inside Llewyn Davis
2014: Only Lovers Left Alive

Steven
2000: Memento
2001: Bully + In the Bedroom
2002: Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance
2003: City of God
2004: Undertow
2005: C.R.A.Z.Y.
2006: The Departed
2007: There Will Be Blood
2008: Slumdog Millionaire
2009: A Single Man
2010: The Social Network
2011: Take Shelter
2012: Beasts of the Southern Wild
2013: Zero Charisma
2014: The Infinite Man

Adam Robot
2000: Snatch
2001: Memento
2002: City of God
2003: Oldboy
2004: Shaun of the Dead + Primer
2005: A History of Violence
2006: Children of Men
2007: There Will Be Blood
2008: The Wrestler
2009: District 9
2010: Black Swan
2011: Drive
2012: Spring Breakers
2013: Under the Skin
2014: Nightcrawler

Jon
2000: Chicken Run
2001: The Royal Tenenbaums
2002: The Believer
2003: [The] School of Rock
2004: Primer
2005: Oldboy
2006: The Descent
2007: This Is England
2008: Hunger
2009: Dogtooth
2010: Four Lions
2011: Michael
2012: The Imposter
2013: Tim's Vermeer
2014: Whiplash

No No Country for Old Men surprised me.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


21. The End (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-20-15)

RT: Jesus Christ it's like watching a montage of your own life

RT: "Everlong" is the halfway point between "Diary" and "Clarity" and that probably explains why I think it's the best rock song of the 90's.


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "We had a Meg Ryan film festival and this place was disgusting afterwards." (Bob's Burgers, S05E20)
  • "Don Johnson it." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E23)
  • "Have fun on your honeymoon."
    "We will. We're going to Waco, Texas."
    "Waco, Texas?"
    "I don't know. It was just on Dateline." – timing! (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E23)
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C-
  • "Cut his throat, and then chop off his cock. We'll sell it for a fortune. A dwarf's cock has magic powers."
    "Wait! You can't just hand a dry cock to a merchant and expect him to pay for it. He has to know it came from a dwarf, and how could he know unless he sees the dwarf?"
    "It will be a dwarf-sized cock."
    "Guess again."
    "The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant." (Game of Thrones, S05E06)
  • Bob's Burgers Season Grade: C
  • Joan snorting cocaine (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • "I'm glad you're having fun."
    "Sorry, I already went to high school." (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • "Do you have any liquor? I've been drinking beer all night." (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • "Yell at me slower or in English." (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • RT: OH MY GOD BABY GENE IS THE SAME KID THAT PLAYS ABEL ON SOA (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • Naked Brett Gelman (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • Mad Men Season Grade: B
  • Cow tipping (Penny Dreadful, S02E03)


(Penny Dreadful, S02E03)

  • "How bad is this? Be honest. Is this Windows Vista bad? It's not iPhone 4 bad, is it? Fuck. Don't tell me this is Zune bad."
    "I'm sorry, Gavin. It's Apple Maps bad." (Silicon Valley, S02E06)
  • Every card on the 'Let Blaine Die' SWOT board (Silicon Valley, S02E06)
  • "You tore Double Asshole a third asshole." (Silicon Valley, S02E06)
  • "Well, great struggling to talk to you." (Veep, S04E06)
  • "A number of tall women were molested and Mr. Ryan was one of them." (Veep, S04E06)
  • "I CAN'T LIVE!!! …with or without you." (China, IL, S03E07)


"My dad says he's so bad, he should change his first name to Breaking." (China, IL, S03E07)


"Commentating with me tonight is the completely naked Zac Efron." (China, IL, S03E07)

  • "It's yours if you just jack this mountain off." (China, IL, S03E07)


(China, IL, S03E07)

  • "Why is that in your ear?"
    "Oh, uh, I'm raising awareness of Armenian-American stereotypes." (Community, S06E11)
  • "Did you do stand-up? Is that how you became a custodian?" (Community, S06E11)
  • Telepresence robot Phil – Community already did it (Modern Family, S06E24)
  • Modern Family Season Grade: D+
  • "Very Triple K." (Black-ish, S01E24)
  • "You stay light-skinned out there, boy." (Black-ish, S01E24)
  • "I'm thinking about starting this line of lingerie, Savoy Javoy." (Black-ish, S01E24)
  • Black-ish Season Grade: B
  • Tommy Roboto (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-20-15)
  • Buzz from Home Alone (Louie, S05E07)
  • All the airports are JFK/the JetBlue terminal at JFK (Louie, S05E07)


(Louie, S05E07)

  • Timely Hannah Montana parody (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
  • "Do you know? Do you know? I need a verbal 'yes.'"
    "What is this, the exit row on an airplane?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
  • "I came into money."
    "How?"
    "I murdered my parents."
    "How?"
    "Strangulation."
    "How?"
    "With the umbilical cord."
    "Wait. So as a baby you did it."
    "I came right out [whoosh] and I went [grunts]."
    "And you got them both in one?"
    "Yeah, I got them both, yeah."
    "Jesus."
    "But it was really romantic because they were able to die together cheek to cheek." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)


(Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)

  • RT: Paul got a bit interesting and then he's dead. (Orphan Black, S03E06)

#clipoftheweek

I must not have smacked you hard enough


A $56 cheese pizza at the Rock in Rio music festival in Las Vegas (of Anaheim)


Last Call with Carson Daly has been on NBC for 13 years, and I have never seen a single second of it.

Has Late Night with Seth Meyers produced any viral content?

I have seen, like, a minute total of Late Night with Seth Meyers, and it has all been while refueling my car.

CBS is airing reruns of its shows in Letterman's time slot until Colbert premieres in September. I would like to see how reruns of The Big Bang Theory perform against Fallon.


The Man Who Would Be King

My first real exposure to David Letterman was in elementary school, when Steve Marsh brought The Late Night with David Letterman Book of Top Ten Lists and The Late Night with David Letterman Book of Top Ten Lists: Roman Numeral Two! to class.

I flipped through them and then expeditiously sought out copies for myself, which I pored over like they were scripture. One listee that I remember just slaying me: Yugo Screw Yourself, from the Top Ten Rejected Model Names for New Cars.

Because I was born the same year that Late Night with David Letterman premiered, most of what I know about his NBC show I gleaned from those books. For me, David Letterman's legacy is the first few years of his CBS show, when Morty was still his producer, when he still did remotes. It was kismet that I discovered him and was an age at which I could appreciate his work at a time when he was playing to win the game.

As time went on, I saw less and less of Dave, until eventually he became just one more face in late night. It happens sometimes. Entertainers come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant.

Although I haven't watched his show regularly in more than ten years, I know I'll miss him forever.

I never had any inspirations later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?


And now, from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa, the Top Ten Things That Come to Mind When I Think of David Letterman:

10. Boutros Boutros-Ghali

9. His championing of Bonnie Hunt, producing not one, but two failed sitcom vehicles for her, and appearing on the former as a thief, albeit clad in a balaclava

8. When Green Day's drummer jumped in the pool behind his desk after performing "86" on Late Show from Los Angeles

7. When he invited John Michael Higgins, who played him in HBO's adaptation of The Late Shift, to be a guest on his show, only to bump Higgins and never ask Higgins back

6. Him spraying Richard Simmons with a fire extinguisher

5. When he donned a suit of chips and was lowered into a tank of dip

4. When he filled his car with 1,200 tacos from Taco Bell

That remote also features a dipstick prank that I wanted to take behind my middle school and get pregnant.


3. This "guy squirts milk out of his eye" Stupid Human Trick


2. "Would you like to buy a monkey?"


1. Andy Kaufman and Jerry Lawler's worked shoot, of which he was oblivious

Kaufman and Lawler were supposed to apologise to each other, followed by Andy singing "What the World Needs Now Is Love." Instead, they fooled the world for 13 years.

Cast of thousands, but we were the real two


Henry Rollins plays Jack, an immortal cannibal who avoids all emotional entanglements, as he either tends to outlive his friends, or eat them. Jack is forced to confront his past when he meets the daughter he never knew he had, and must walk a tight rope of sobriety while trying to eat as few people as possible in a violent tale of personal responsibility. [source]

[pause]

2015 films I must see:
1. The Wolfpack
2. Prince
3. Doglegs
4. Partisan
5. The Lobster
6. He Never Died

Also spotted at the Cannes Film Market:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


20. Adam Sandler's Musical Ode to David Letterman (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-12-15)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Less enemies for us."
    "Fewer."
    "What?"
    "Nothing." (Game of Thrones, S05E05)
  • Don reading The Godfather (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "He doesn't know you won't get treatment because you love the tragedy." (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "Sally, I always worried about you because you march to the beat of your own drum. But now I know that's good. I know your life will be an adventure." (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California." (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
  • "Do you think maybe you sweat from your urethra?" (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
  • "The British Museum holds the world's largest collection of historical pornography – aside from the Vatican, of course." (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
  • A doll of Vanessa? (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
  • "I want to take zucchini to the next level." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Dead kids. That never sounds good unless you're a stressed out single mom." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Chung is our answer to Montez. He can be our minority retort." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "It's like Christmas, except happy." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "I think I'd take a soy cap, and Richard?"
    "Uh, eggnog latte, if it's in season. Is it? No, it isn't." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Jonah here is the guy behind the guy, isn't that right?"
    "Oh, I'm the wheel greaser, I'm the puppet master… A man of many nicknames – poon slayer…when I'm online." (Veep, S04E05)


(Veep, S04E05)

  • "My advice? Tom James."
    "He has a disabled son, check, wounded serving his country, check, is the checklist complete? Yeah." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Hey, you know what? I got an idea. Why don't we ask Doyle back?"
    [pause] (Veep, S04E05)
  • "You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets – and maybe slavery!"(Veep, S04E05)
  • "What a cool guy. You shit ice cubes, you piss snowflakes." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Why is Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson at dinner?"
    "Well, baby, this is why I brought you here. See, I'm marrying The Rock. He's gonna be your new stepdad."
    "Baby Cakes, your mom is a great lover. She is the best at sucking The Rock off."
    "Fuck you, The Rock! You're not my dad!" (China, IL, S03E06)


(China, IL, S03E06)

  • Bates Motel Season Grade: C-
  • "Armed Forces Day, huh. Why would they put it in May? It's just sitting in Memorial Day's shadow like a military Hanukkah."
    "Fitting that both war holidays have to fight each other over the same month."
    "Notable that the one we remember is the one with the theme of memory." (Community, S06E10)
  • "Then Hillary bought me Dick Cheney's biography. It's awesome. I mean, the dude destroyed Iraq, got rich rebuilding it – hero! Then he shot a guy, and the guy apologized – pimp! That should be the name of his book – Dick Cheney: Hero Pimp!" (Black-ish, S01E23)


(Black-ish, S01E23)

  • "Salty and fatty. Thick as a pork chop. This is the Amber Rose of bacon." (Black-ish, S01E23)
  • "Just like your dad would be okay if one of you thought Kingdom Come was Jay Z's best album." (Black-ish, S01E23)
  • "I'll send everybody home."
    "No, you won't."
    "Yes, I will, Afghanistan."
    "What were you doing in there?"
    "None of your business, Tranquility."
    "Her name is Tranquilit-ay." (Louie, S05E06)
  • "Can you believe this comes out of a cow's pussy?"
    "You know it comes out of their tits, you know that, right?"
    "No. Milk comes out of the tits. Yogurt comes out of the pussy." (Louie, S05E06)
  • The Pen Is Mightier! (Celebrity Jeopardy!, 05-15-15)
  • Amazing Race spirit flags (The Amazing Race, S26E12)
  • A selfie memory challenge? (The Amazing Race, S26E12)
  • The Amazing Race Season Grade: D+
  • Shark Tank Season Grade: B-
  • "This isn't gonna be easy."
    "Why not? We can do this. I mean, remember when we took a stroll through the arboretum?"
    "That was a walk in the park." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • "She's all yours, Hector. Take care of her."
    "Clocking in Hector Taycarofher." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • "I got pretty good at masturbating at Princeton." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • ♫: Nicky Blitz – "Blast Off" (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • Still handcuffed to George Clooney! (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-15-15)
  • "If something is true, it is not sentimental." (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-15-15)
  • "China has banned its soldiers from wearing the new Apple Watch over concerns of cyber security. Said one Chinese soldier: 'But my daughter made it for me.'" (Saturday Night Live, S40E21)
  • Saturday Night Live Season Grade: C-

#clipoftheweek

Nobody barks orders to Mad Max

"Fuck! Goddammit!"

I banged my left knee into a filing cabinet on my way to my bathroom to pee this morning.

Injuring a knee, being unable to do cardio for an extended period of time, and getting fat has replaced gynecomastia as my biggest fear. I have, a number of times, run for 80+ minutes on my left toes, powering through plantar fasciitis in my left foot, because I couldn't stand letting calories go unburned.

Earlier this year, I added lap swimming to my workout rotation to help preserve my knees, but had to stop because the water in my gym's pool was wrecking my sinuses. And while I can afford to pay for access to other 25m+ pools in my area, I also need to save money for possible knee replacement surgeries.

If only those vibrating belt machines worked.

Carnage Asada

Halloween costume: "That thing on Aaron Neville's forehead."

Around 1986, Dave approved my transcribing an old episode of the show, then using this as a script to remake that episode with other actors playing him, Paul, and the guests. Richard Roundtree — Shaft! — was to play Dave.

I once pitched an "interrupt bit" called "What Do You Think of This?" It was simple and to the point. In the middle of the Top Ten, fellow writer and slovenly comedian Louis C.K. walks out to home base, lifts his T-shirt to reveal his engorged fat stomach, then asks Dave, "What do you think of this?"

"All Week Long William F. Buckley Rates the Mustard." The idea was that Mr. Buckley would come in through the blue doors in the NBC studio, hold up a jar of mustard, and eat a teaspoonful. With great importance, he'd ponder the flavor and describe the mustard's most pronounced qualities, then say something like, "That's mama's milk!" or "For intravenous use only!"

After the idea was shot down, I likely resubmitted it suggesting we replace Buckley with Manute Bol.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


19. The Guy From Jeff's Gym (Community, S06E09)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "She does her BM in the PM." (Bob's Burgers, S05E18)
  • "Please limit your alerts to Roy G. Biv." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • "I can't make a woman's choice for her. I stand with Wendy! Did I do that right?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • "Terry loves lavender." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • Lancel engraving his forehead (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
  • "You know nothing, Jon Snow." (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
  • "Carol's a real special lady."
    "Hey. You're a real special lady." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
  • "You are a toilet paper corn dog." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
  • The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: B-
  • "Miller Beer is coming in tomorrow for handshakes on their new idea – diet beer."
    "For ladies?" (Mad Men, S07E12)


"It's an octopus pleasuring a lady." (Mad Men, S07E12)


(Mad Men, S07E12)

  • "I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of Fage yogurt by me. Look at this. The angle's all wrong."
    "Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt?"
    "How would you know that? Have you been eating my Fage yogurts?" (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
  • "I've disrupted fatherhood." (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
  • Abu Nazir! (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Man up, Gary, or at least lady down a bit." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Why in the name of pixelated fuck would you do that?" (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Fine. Inject him with the happy cupcake virus." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Dead kids baked in the cupcakes." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "We're engaged."
    "No, you're not."
    "Yes, we are."
    "I'm 48!" (Veep, S04E04)
  • "I heard that she's supposed to have the worst of the STDs."
    "No way. A baby?" (China, IL, S03E05)
  • "Dude, get your molesterol checked." (China, IL, S03E05)
  • "A knife is a good friend when you have no other." (Gotham, S01E22)
  • Gotham Season Grade: D+
  • ♫: The Head and the Heart – "Rivers and Roads" (New Girl, S04E22)
  • New Girl Season Grade: D
  • "Do Irish tears not sparkle?" (Modern Family, S06E22)
  • "I'm sorry if they don't talk that way in Lightskinsylvania." (Black-ish, S01E22)
  • "I was a LUG – lesbian until graduation." (Black-ish, S01E22)
  • "Crazy Glazy." (Louie, S05E05)


(Louie, S05E05)

  • ♫: "Diarrhea Song" (Louie, S05E05)
  • "Attention, staff. Bob Odenkirk played a lawyer on Breaking Bad. That is Saul." (Childrens Hospital, S06E08)
  • Jimmy/Steve! (Orphan Black, S03E04)
  • Home video of Kenan = D2: The Mighty Ducks (Saturday Night Live, S40E20)
  • "If you want to fight Floyd Mayweather more than once, you have to date him." (Saturday Night Live, S40E20)

#clipoftheweek


Mujibur and Sirajul

THE LOBSTER is the English language debut of Yorgos Lanthimos (Dogtooth).

In the near future, single people, according to the rules of The City, are arrested and transferred to The Hotel. There they are obliged to find a matching mate in 45 days. If they fail, they are transformed into an animal of their choosing and released into The Woods. A desperate Man escapes from The Hotel to The Woods where The Loners live and falls in love, although it is against their rules.

Adding it to the list. Hoping Lanthimos rebounds from Alps.

2015 films I must see:
1. The Wolfpack
2. Prince
3. Doglegs
4. Partisan
5. The Lobster

Tom is acting crazy about balls

My nine-year-old nephew discovered Magic: The Gathering this year.

While driving him home from school one day, I note that I played Magic when it debuted [true] and [because I like fucking with people] that I had a Black Lotus.

He doesn't know what a Black Lotus is, and just begins quizzing me about Magic.

"How do you a tap a card?"
"Turn it sideways."

"What are the five card colours?"
"Uhh… Red, green, blue, black, and…pink."
"Wrong! Pink is not a colour."
"Pink was one of the original colours."

"What does a Mountain card do?"
"I…don't know."
"Did you really play Magic?"
"Yes, but it's been over 20 years since I last played!"

And I only played it briefly, before foolishly getting in on the ground floor of Jyhad.


The next time I drove my nephew home from school:

"Pink was never a Magic card colour! I looked it up."

[pause]

He then asks me if he can have my Black Lotus, which I assume he also looked up.

"Uhh… Maybe for your birthday," which is in November. "And only if I can find it. It's somewhere in storage."


Two months pass without any more Black Lotus talk, when this week:

"Do you really have a Black Lotus?"
"Yup."
"Can I have it? A Black Lotus is only worth two cents nowadays."
"I told you. Maybe for your birthday."
"Well, can I at least see your Black Lotus before then to verify that you have one?"
"If I have time to trek to storage and find it."
"Where's storage?"
"Southern California."

"All right, I'll show it to you in July."
"No! I'll be in Taiwan then. [he spends summers in Taiwan with his maternal grandparents] I want to see it by the end of May. And if you don't show it to me by then, you have to give me five dollars."
"What?"
"And for every month after May that passes without me having seen your Black Lotus, you have to—"
"I'm not paying you interest on failing to show you a Magic card!"

"Why don't I just give you two cents to buy a Black Lotus?"
"There's also tax and shipping…"
"Okay, I'll give you five dollars and two cents – but not until your birthday."

Later that day, I figure that if a Black Lotus is only worth two cents nowadays, I should just buy one and pass it off as my own.

I check eBay.

$11,000?!

Lil' fucker lied to me.


Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break


Every time I see this, I think, "What is a back pitch?"

While I have learned to live with missing or misused apostrophes, missing commas will forever bother me. They are kinda imperative:

Oxford commas more so:


Why are Pitch Perfect 2 and Rihanna not cross-promoting? You know, "Pitch Better Have My Money."

"Pitch Gonna Laugh So Funny"?


Vance Joy's "Riptide" won the 2014 International Songwriting Competition.

The panel of judges included: Avicii, Newsboys, Jon Secada, The Chainsmokers, Béla Fleck, DMC of Run-DMC, and the general manager of Zanies Comedy Club.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


18. Black Widow: Age of Me (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • Gene Belcher – "I Don't Need Music" (Bob's Burgers, S05E17)
  • Holt's multi-step reaction to the pregnancy news (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E20)
  • "Jake, I get it. Philly sucks." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E20)
  • "Greenwich, Connecticut is built on divorced money!" (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • Lou working for Tatsunoko (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • "You should know that his clan took advantage of the gift of hospitality and murdered my ancestors while they slept."
    "The king ordered it!" (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • Limp Bizkit – "Nookie" (Silicon Valley, S02E03)
  • Russ Hanneman = Mark Cuban? (Silicon Valley, S02E03)
  • "Fuck the light show?!" (Veep, S04E03)
  • "Screwed over by The Police. I'm Rodney fuckin' King." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "#everylittlethingshedoesistragic." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "I see splashes of myself in her. I now regret that phrase." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "Ma'am, cheese is on its way. Here's an interim banana." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "You were firing me?" (Veep, S04E03)


(China, IL, S03E04)

  • "And then I turned around, and like a vampire, I shot into space so goddamn fast. It's like a motherfuckin' piece of god sperm waiting to hit a rock and start life." (China, IL, S03E04)
  • "The night we met, I was going to kill you." (Gotham, S01E21)
  • Brothel broth-lol (Gotham, S01E21)
  • Randall Park (Community, S06E08)
  • "I like my sun on the right and my ocean on the left." (New Girl, S04E21)
  • "You need to learn how to stand up for yourself."
    "Do you know how easy that it is for you to say?"
    "No, no, nothing in English is easy for me to say." (Modern Family, S06E21)
  • "Loosey-goosey parenting like that is what made things like James Franco." (Black-ish, S01E21)
  • Sinbad as Neil deGrasse Tyson (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E15)
  • Pound Sign Battle (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E15)
  • Constance Wu (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)
  • "I just farted some coffee." (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)


(Childrens Hospital, S06E07)

  • Weird Al (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)
  • "We should have been drug dealers years ago." (Orphan Black, S03E03)
  • "In the field, there are only two types of prisoners: assets and liabilities. Be an asset, Willard." (Orphan Black, S03E03)
  • RT: With Aidy Bryant as Manny Pacquiao and Jay Pharoah as Manny Machado, "SNL" was determined to show its diversity is a work-in-progress. (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)
  • Wiz Khalifa is hella skinny (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)
  • "It was reported that students in a school district in Tennessee were served meat that was six years old, which raises the question, 'Where's Tyler?'" (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)

#clipoftheweek


Thought I was a spaceman digging out my heart

While driving my eight-year-old niece to Chinese school today, she asked me what my favourite film is. "Texas Chainsaw?"

"Heh. No. You've seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?!"
"No. Is it set on a train?"
"No, you're thinking of Under Siege 2."


I run outside every day, a 90-minute route around my neighbourhood, and sometimes I have to run past this little boy playing outside, who, whenever he sees me, stops whatever he's doing to chase after me and punch my butt.

I don't know why I elicit such a response from him, and while I don't mind playing along — "Ahh! You got me!" — I am subject to him inexplicably chasing after me and punching my butt up to six times during a run – six undodgeable red shells. I have re-routed runs on the fly to avoid dealing with him again.

And the kids he plays outside with, among which are two teenagers, don't react at all to his behaviour.