Grizzly Man

Thursday

I always dread the shock you usually receive upon touching a laptop after it passes through an airport X-ray machine.

I only ever drink ginger ale on airplanes.

// BILLINGS, MONTANA

I arrive at 11:00 pm, stepping off a jet bridge into an empty airport. No employees in sight.

Billings is the largest city in Montana. If this is its airport, the other cities' airports must be…fuckin' Tom Nevers Fields.


A khaki-coloured car?

Jon: You know, I didn't think you were serious about wearing a calculator watch.

With ample time before last call, we hang out at a brewing company, where I am surprised to see multiple black people.

According to the United States Census Bureau, 0.6% of Montana's population is black. That equates to 6,141 black people in Montana. More Asian people live in Montana than black people.

Jon: Hey, what's your wi-fi network?
Adam Robot: Nakatomi Plaza.
Jon: Heh.

Adam Robot: Charter just increased my Internet speed. Now I have 60 Mbps.
Jon: Ho-ho-ho.


Friday

You can't throw a flying disc in Billings without hitting a combination lounge and casino.

Adam Robot: A dead body was found in this motel.

Adam Robot: Someone was stabbed to death outside this building.

Adam Robot: Every winter, a homeless person freezes to death in downtown. Like clockwork.

Have I mentioned that I've never been to Europe? Or Hawaii?

Jon: The tallest building in Billings (and thus, all of Montana) is a hotel?
Adam Robot: It was, until the First Interstate Center opened.

Jon: According to Wikipedia, the First Interstate Center is only 16 feet taller. The Crowne Plaza should put a 17-foot spire on its roof.

Adam Robot: The Crowne Plaza is still the tallest load-bearing brick masonry building in the world.
Jon:
Adam Robot: It's the tallest building in the world composed almost entirely of bricks.
Jon: Ah. Safe! It can withstand the huffing and puffing of a big bad wolf.

I expected stuff in Montana to be inexpensive, and then I discovered that Montana has no sales tax. And then I learned that a city in Arkansas, of all places, has the highest sales tax in America.

The tallest building in Montana is only 272 feet tall.
Well, why build up when you can build out? America isn't Dubai.

The largest store in Billings is a 220,000-square foot sporting goods store, featuring:
• a 16,000-gallon salt water aquarium
• a 65-foot, 16-car operating Ferris wheel
• a shooting gallery
• a deli and fudge shop that serves Starbucks coffee
• animatronic presidents (Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson)

No lounge or casino, though.

Also, it seems like everyone in Montana lives in a house. A taller building would need heavy commercial demand, as it couldn't count on residential interest.
Hmm… Yeah, I didn't see any apartment buildings the whole time I was in Montana.

Adam Robot: I don't pay for water. I have a well.
Jon: Uhh, what?
Adam Robot: Why do you think my lawns are so green?
Jon: Is it, like, a neighbourhood well?
Adam Robot: Nope. It's my own personal well. Came with the house.

Toilets flush conspicuously slowly in Billings.


Saturday

Josh: You chased Fireball with a chicken strip?!

(Night)

Brock: Do you play badminton?
Jon: No.
[pause]
Brock: I asked because you're Asi–
Jon: Yes, yes…

Jon: What's with all the flies flying around in eating and drinking establishments in Billings? Even in its upscale restaurants…

Brock: One Halloween, Adam was Dexter and Josh was Batista.
Batista? The wrestler?
Josh: It was a total coincidence.
Oh. Batista on Dexter. Duh!

Josh: I'm throwing an Indiana Jones-themed party in September.
Adam Robot: Most people will probably come as Indiana Jones.

Adam Robot: I just thought of a killer idea for a costume.
Jon: Hitler?
Adam Robot: No.
Brock: Face-melting Toht.
Adam Robot: Nope. You'll never guess what it is.

Three minutes later…

Jon: Old Man Indy from The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles.
Adam Robot: No.
Josh: Alright. Uncle. What is it?
Adam Robot: A functioning Ark of the Covenant. Lights up.

Dressing up as a chest? For a party? LL Cool Cs?

Brock: He blindly forwarded my joke nutsack size to the tailor. I looked like MC Hammer at his wedding.

Brock and Adam Robot: [in unison] Zombie THC!

Josh: He shit on my lawn!

Whoa. The jukebox is playing Bloodhound Gang's "A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying."

Josh: KYLE SHITERO!

Brock: I got my last blow job on the Pulp Fiction couch.

Adam Robot: Did you meet Weedy Jesus?

[Howie scream]


Sunday

Jon: [reading a license plate] "Treasure State." I thought Montana is the Big Sky State?
Adam Robot: It's Big Sky Country.
Jon: Treasure State, Big Sky Country.
Adam Robot: And Billings is the Magic City.
Jon: City: Magic. State: Treasure. Country: Big Sky. Sex: Yes, please!

Adam Robot: I think we drove too far. I think we're in Wyoming.
Jon: I'd check, but my mobile has no reception.


Getting my Iñárritu on

Midway up Beartooth Pass, we stopped at a pullout and were joined by two husky macho blokes. They exited their truck, admired the view, and tossed a few adult human head-sized rocks off the ledge for cheap thrills.


Monday

Adam Robot: What would you say is the quintessential nu-metal music video?
Jon: Oh gosh…

Jon: I want to say something by Dope.

Jon: Dope – "Everything Sucks."

//

The man in front of me in the airport security queue reeks of cigarettes. He places a Ziploc bag containing two inhalers in his bin.

The Billings Gazette's front page story is a Mötley Crüe concert.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

31. Gene vs. The Falcon (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E08)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "If they don't give you life, I will have every inch of your flesh removed with a cheese grater, starting with your prick." (True Detective, S02E06)
  • Fat ginger kid just wants to watch Friends and eat pizza (True Detective, S02E06)
  • ♫: The Black Angels – "Black Grease" (True Detective, S02E06)
  • Her (Ballers, S01E06)
  • Mark Schlereth anchoring SportsCenter (Ballers, S01E06)
  • This week on Halt and Catch Fire: Gordon gets lost in a parking garage (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E09)
  • ♫: The Raveonettes – "She's Lost Control (Trentemøller Edit)" (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E09)


"This is Staten Island!" (The Strain, S02E03)


(WWE Raw, 07-27-15)

  • "Dog Ziggler." (WWE Raw, 07-27-15)
  • "It's a fish. Take it. Take it. Take the fish." (WWE Raw, 07-27-15)
  • Tommy is 53?! (MasterChef, S06E12)
  • "You can't blackmail me and then try to be the inside spoon!"
    "Marisa was not spooning, inside or out. Our relationship was in trouble, and it was blackmail's fault." (Review, S02E01)
  • "I began spending all of my spare time in the park searching for my mystery mouth." (Review, S02E01)
  • "Family values may have declined over the last century, but we still help our families when we can. You are family, Will." (Hannibal, S03E09)
  • "You called us 'murder husbands.'" (Hannibal, S03E09)
  • "I'm the burp king of Westchester." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E01)
  • "You're opening a can of worms you might not be able to close."
    "Don't tell me about cans. I know about cans. Believe me. I am one." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E03)
  • UCLA (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E04)
  • John Early is one to watch (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E04)
  • "Hand to God. I've been into sewing since I was eight years old."
    "Oh my God. I had no idea you were that creative."
    "Oh really?"
    "Uh-uh."
    "Oh, I just thought it was so obvious that I'm creative." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E04)
  • "You're insane, Graham. Ayn Rand? She's not attractive." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E04)
  • Jon Hamm masquerading as Weird Al (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E04)
  • "He says he's going to kill me…like a soup." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E05)
  • Gene skipping after Victor (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E05)
  • "I'll fart my way into that snatch, just you watch." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E05)
  • "The strongest shape is the triangle. One, two, three. Do you know Pythagris? Pythagris said that if hypotenuse is length C, the legs are lengths A and B, then A squared plus B squared equals C squared."
    "I don't understand."
    "Coop, the tird is not extra. The tird is not hanging off from the side."
    "Did you just say 'turd'?"
    "Coop, tonight, we will be three. You will be our tird."
    "It really really sounds like he's saying 'turd.'"
    "He's saying 'third.'"
    "Tird. Like, the…what go, what happen in the toilet."
    "Oh."
    "You will be our turd."
    "I guess then I…I misunderstood it." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E05)
  • "This is wrong. I'm with Mitch. This is wrong."
    "No no no. He's a can of vegetables. He doesn't have to know." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E05)
  • Bradley Cooper is only available for two days. Solution: John Slattery and a ski mask. (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E07)
  • "I trusted you with my diaphragm." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E07)
  • Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp Season Grade: C

#clipoftheweek


The Planned Parenthood Dead Babies

But Logan is absolutely convinced the boy-next-door image is the one thing holding him back from major stardom.

"I'm at the point where no matter what, brands are still going to come to me. So I can start being a little more edgy. Like I could do a Vine for a Fleshlight."

Logan will get his shot at performing his edgy song, "Stank Dick," later this week, but next on the schedule he's got to get ready for acting class.

Vince: This profile on Vine star Logan Paul is like Stonehenge, or the Egyptian pyramids. It's so perfect it's hard to believe that it came together without some kind of magic.



That banner is like Stonehenge, or the Egyptian pyramids.



The Onion's VICE parody series looks like Stonehenge, or the Egyptian pyramids.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


30a. Brock Lesnar confronts The Undertaker (WWE Raw, 07-20-15)


30b. The brawl between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker spills backstage (WWE Raw, 07-20-15)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations


(King of the Nerds UK, S01E02)

  • The lyrics to the theme song are subtly changing with each episode (True Detective, S02E05)
  • "You could've been a scrape job." (True Detective, S02E05)
  • Stephen crying in the fetal position after his tart shell cracked (MasterChef, S06E11)
  • "Kitchen Nightmare." (Hannibal, S03E08)
  • "I stopped drinking beer when I found out what you were putting in mine."
    "Who." (Hannibal, S03E08)
  • "You have served me this before."
    "One of my favourite desserts – traditionally made with pig's blood; in this case, a local cow."
    "…And when you last made it for me?"
    "The blood was from a cow, only in the derogatory sense." (Hannibal, S03E08)

#clipoftheweek

1738

When something you worked on trends at number one on Twitter and Bomani Jones tweets that your Filipino mate looks Chinese and is Latino…

The working title for the docu-special was "What Is White?," which…bleh. I pushed, from the outset, for "White People" to be the title, but J wasn't keen on it.

Fast forward nine months. J calls me after a meeting with MTV executives.

J: We settled on "White People" as the title. I like it.
Jon: [exasperated screaming]


Speaking of white people…


A trip 13 years in the making.

Everyone: Why are you going to Montana?!
Jon: Because the Internet.

I Was Puffy You Was Mase



SHRED FOR MANKIND.

A skateboarder, Oren, off in a Dystopia world, discovers he is the scion of the Greek god Zephyrus and must come to terms with his new found powers to stop a Gothicized secret society hell-bent on prophesying Hades.

Oil and water, skateboarding and Greek mythology.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


29. Point Pleasant Police Department (The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, 07-16-15)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • None of the acronyms are acronyms (King of the Nerds UK, S01E01)
  • "Glove box. Take a cure." (True Detective, S02E04)
  • "You have one of the largest auras I've ever seen." (True Detective, S02E04)
  • "Black rage goes a long way. Sometimes your worst self is your best self." (True Detective, S02E04)
  • Season one adversary: Apple. Season two adversary: Nintendo. (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E07)
  • "Apparently, Richard Sherman challenged Money Mayweather to a bare knuckle brawl in Vegas last night." (Ballers, S01E04)


(The Strain, S02E01)

  • "WWE's version of the All-Star Game" = Randy Orton/Ryback vs. Sheamus/Big Show (WWE Raw, 07-13-15)
  • "We need to eat with our eyes, and, uhhh, that looks like a stuffed condom. Ground beef and strawberries do not go – ever." (MasterChef, S06E10)
  • "There's a saying: 'The devil's at his strongest while we're looking the other way,' like a program running in the background silently while we're busy doing other shit – 'daemons,' they call them. They perform action without user interaction – monitoring, logging, notifications, primal urges, repressed memories, unconscious habits. They're always there, always active. You can try to be right, you can try to be good, you can try to make a difference, but it's all bullshit, 'cause intentions are irrelevant. They don't drive us – daemons do. And me? I've got more than most." (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
  • Hackers watching Hackers (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
  • "I bet you right now some writer's working hard on a TV show that'll mess up this generation's idea of hacker culture." (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
  • Keith David voicing a fish (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
  • ♫: SchoolBoy Q – "Hell of a Night" (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
  • Wizard name Stephendorf (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E22)
  • "You're going to eat him with my face?" (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "What will you do after you've eaten me?"
    "You could wreck some foster homes and torment some children."
    "Ohh, and drink martinis made with tears." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • Pig surrogate (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "He helped us milk you." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "The most stable elements appear in the middle of the periodic table, roughly between iron and silver. Between iron and silver – I think that's appropriate for you." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "When it comes to you and me, there can be no decisive victory."
    "We are a zero-sum game." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "You delight in wickedness and then berate yourself for the delight."
    "You delight; I tolerate. I don't have your appetite." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "I want you to know exactly where I am, and where you can always find me." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "Hey, White Trash Federline, tell your girl to be more polite."
    "Fuck off, Sam. Federline is White Trash Federline!" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E09)
  • "I hate papaya!" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E10)
  • Felonious Spunk (Orange Is the New Black, S03E12)
  • "It's like you're Madame Curie, but stupid." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E12)
  • "We gotta get some miso." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E12)
  • Orange Is the New Black Season Grade: C

#clipoftheweek


We're some kind of suicide squad


Has anyone watched this web series that Subway commissioned to "engage its brand with the VICE audience"?


The Thing Burger is topped with a "Thing sauce" and served on a bun that evokes The Thing.

The Human Torch Skillet contains fire-roasted bell peppers and jalapeños, is topped with a five pepper sauce and pepper jack queso, and is served on a hot skillet.

The pancakes of the Invisible Woman Slam are drizzled with a clear citrus glaze.

Why no Mr. Fantastic dish? Queso fundido may not be feasible, but surely Denny's can make grilled cheese sandwiches.

I hope Taco Bell revives its "Feel the Force" game for The Force Awakens.


Death by snu-snu

Under any model of climate change, scientists say, most of the country will look and feel drastically different in 2050, 2100 and beyond, even as cities and states try to adapt and plan ahead. Although few people today are moving long distances to strategize for climate change, some are at least pondering the question of where they would go.

"The answer is the Pacific Northwest, and probably especially west of the Cascades," said Ben Strauss, vice president for climate impacts and director of the program on sea level rise at Climate Central, a research collaboration of scientists and journalists. "Actually, the strip of coastal land running from Canada down to the Bay Area is probably the best."

Clifford E. Mass, a professor of atmospheric science at the University of Washington, writes a popular weather blog in which he predicts that the Pacific Northwest will be "a potential climate refuge" as global warming progresses. A Seattle resident, he foresees that "climate change migrants" will start heading to his city and to Portland, Ore., and surrounding areas.

Already, he said, Washington State is gearing up to become the next Napa Valley as California's wine country heats up and dries out.

In the Pacific Northwest, everything west of Interstate 5 covers some hundred and forty thousand square miles, including Seattle, Tacoma, Portland, Eugene, Salem (the capital city of Oregon), Olympia (the capital of Washington), and some seven million people. When the next full-margin rupture happens, that region will suffer the worst natural disaster in the history of North America.

FEMA projects that nearly thirteen thousand people will die in the Cascadia earthquake and tsunami. Another twenty-seven thousand will be injured, and the agency expects that it will need to provide shelter for a million displaced people, and food and water for another two and a half million.

The science is robust. We now know that the odds of the big Cascadia earthquake happening in the next fifty years are roughly one in three. The odds of the very big one are roughly one in ten. Even those numbers do not fully reflect the danger—or, more to the point, how unprepared the Pacific Northwest is to face it.

The earthquake will have wrought its worst havoc west of the Cascades. The economy of the Pacific Northwest will collapse. Crippled by a lack of basic services, businesses will fail or move away. Many residents will flee as well. OSSPAC predicts a mass-displacement event and a long-term population downturn.

Danielle: How long have you been talking about moving to Seattle?
Jon: Heh. Over a decade now.
Jon: Shit, since I began talking about moving to Seattle, Jon Wilcox has moved to FIVE different cities – including Seattle.

I cried when the Multiple Man died

Chris Hardwick was so ubiquitous at Comic-Con that I wonder if Nerdist Industries couldn't stage its own convention and crush Comic-Con.

A Nerdist-Con could definitely poach the Walking Dead panels from Comic-Con, as well as any panels for parent company Legendary's films, so…all of Universal's blockbusters. And Hardwick and Doctor Who are tight.

That's a solid core of exclusives. Flip Warner Bros. or Fox and others will want in.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

28. Kaleidoscopic Lesbian Sex Scene (Hannibal, S03E06)


Honourable Mention

  • Jan Erik Eckland (7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)

Stray Observations

  • Mad Max (True Detective, S02E03)
  • "No country for white men, boy." (True Detective, S02E03)
  • "You can keep your rings on. It won't matter to me." (True Detective, S02E03)
  • ♫: Jungle – "Lucky I Got What I Want" (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E06)
  • "A wolf in UNIX clothing." (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E06)
  • Rashard Mendenhall is a staff writer? (Ballers, S01E03)


(Penny Dreadful, S02E10)

  • "Never underestimate the power of a queen with lovely hair." (Penny Dreadful, S02E10)
  • Penny Dreadful Season Grade: B-
  • RT: CESARO DID A FUCKING SQUAT WHILE HOLDING JOHN CENA STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR (WWE Raw, 07-06-15)
  • "Shit. I'm gonna have to let him hug me, aren't I?" (Mr. Robot, S01E03)
  • ♫: Fischer-Z – "Cruise Missiles" (Deutschland 83, S01E04)
  • Peking Hannibal (Hannibal, S03E06)
  • "You dropped your forgiveness, Will. You forgive how God forgives. Would you have done it quickly, or would you have stopped to gloat?"
    "Does God gloat?"
    "Often." (Hannibal, S03E06)
  • "Scott, I've got something extra special for you – the Heart of the Ocean necklace from Titanic. To retrieve it, I had to go to some place dark and foreboding, devoid of human life – Planet Hollywood in Myrtle Beach."
    "I thought that astronaut gave it to Britney Spears." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E21)
  • David Copperfield: "Well, it was me, Aaron Williams, and Rod Stewart going out every night for about 10 years, crushing pussy and making money." (7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)
  • "No one actually thought he was saying goodbye to tennis for good, because, that's a crazy thing to say when retiring. 'Later, tennis'?" (7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)


(7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)


(7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)


(7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)


(7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)

#clipoftheweek


Polar Bear or Africa

This week, MTV released the trailer for a special I worked on, and white people seem to be taking it well.

From someone who has actually seen the special, such reactions are much ado about nothing.

related:

On Jim Ross' latest podcast, he discussed how keen he was on signing Gail Kim years ago. WWE Chairman Vince McMahon however, took some convincing.

Ross said that McMahon came to him and asked, "You want to hire this Asian girl, right?… I don't know, I just don't know."

Baffled, Ross told him how good she was in the ring and that a lot of guys like Asian women, and noted that there were Asian adult film sites. McMahon, seemingly shocked, responded with, "No?! Get out!"

Compro Oro

LIVE ACTION SMURFS AND SELENA IMPERSONATORS.


Ended up staying in Los Angeles for a week longer than planned. Now I only have two weeks to get in shape for my next trip.

Borochos

RT: ANT-MAN quotes are brilliant out of context.


Ant-Man is set in San Francisco, like seemingly every film this summer. Ant-Man, Terminator Genisys, Inside Out, San Andreas