Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish


Episodio Nueve: Las Juventud Guerreras.

Oh, the German title is even better: Die Letzten Jedi. Say it in Darth Sidious' voice.

My all-"international Star Wars film title" team:
I. Star Wars: La Amenaza Fantasma (Mexico)
II. Star Wars: Klonovi Napadaju (Croatia)
III. Star Wars: Nikmat Ha'Sith (Israel)
IV. Star Wars: Mia Nea Elpida (Greece)
V. Star Wars: Imparator (Turkey)
VI. Star Wars: Jedin Paluu (Finland)
VII. Star Wars: Than Luc Thuc Tinh (Vietnam)
VIII. Star Wars: Die Letzen Jedi (Germany)

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


50. Trump Off That White? (Desus and Mero, 12-07-17)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "You look like a potato and shit casserole." (The Walking Dead, S08E07)
  • "And I swear to God, if I even catch you thinking about cookies, I am gonna smash your little bones into dust, and then I'm gonna make that dust into a broth, and then I'm gonna slurp it down, laughing. [laughs maniacally] And you'll be inside of me. And I will poo you out." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E08)
  • Dueling parent traps (The Last Man on Earth, S04E08)
  • "Friendship kiss" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E08)
  • Tandy sniffing his fingers after ass-slapping/kissing Todd (The Last Man on Earth, S04E08)
  • "Big Murray's not watching you." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E10)
  • "Aaron Burr!" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E10)
  • Curb Your Enthusiasm Season Grade: D+
  • Julian McMahon back! (Marvel's Runaways, S01E05)
  • "There's nothing scarier than a cat person."
    "Mmm, disagree. You ever see someone make chorizo?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E09)
  • "Let's do some top 40. Okay, I think 'Sauce It Up' by Lil Uzi Vert could be very spiritual if it's sung right. All we gotta do is change 'sauce' to 'Je-sauce.'" (The Mayor, S01E08)
  • "Perhaps it was a bottom dial." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E09)
  • "Three corndogs for 99 cents. Who could possibly eat three corndogs and has a dollar?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E09)
  • "I am going to remove your penis, in thin slices, like salami." (Happy!, S01E01)
  • ♫: "The Super Bowl Shuffle" (South Park, S21E10)
  • '80s music (South Park, S21E10)
  • South Park Season Grade: D-
  • ♫: Joey Bada$$ – "Curry Chicken" (Mr. Robot, S03E09)
  • "It's not that I'm out of moves; it's that you're not worth one." (Mr. Robot, S03E09)
  • "You can't force an agenda, Mr. Alderson. You have to inspire one." (Mr. Robot, S03E09)
  • "Yo, hold my Warbys." (Saturday Night Live, S43E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

#clipoftheweek


Consumer of Terrestrial Entities

Internationally renowned model and internet sensation, Valeria Lukyanova ("The Human Barbie") makes a terrifying and memorable screen debut.

Eddie and his friend Chris call out for an escort after Eddie's girlfriend breaks up with him. Little do they know that while Natasha is a breathtaking beauty, she's really a possessed doll created by a mad doctor in an unholy laboratory and built with the urge to kill and dominate the minds of others to kill for her. [source]

The Doll 2, starring Human Ken Dolls Justin Jedlica and Rodrigo Alves.

"Little do they know that the silver man in Times Square is really a possessed Robert E. Lee statue."

Cilver War.

"Little do they know that their new zoo animals are really the Rock-afire Explosion."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

49. The Jumping Shark (The Walking Dead, S08E06)


Honourable Mention

  • Judge Judy (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E09)
  • The oner of everyone's powers in action under the overpass (Crisis on Earth X, S01E04)
  • Cinema intro intro (Mr. Robot, S03E08)

Stray Observations

  • "F. Murray Abraham. The 'F' is for fuckin' awesome." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E09)
  • "People will watch anything with 'Chicago' in the title. It's been proven." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E09)
  • "That's some good ass dick stories, man." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E09)
  • "Black man showing up at her door with a do-rag? She'll have a heart attack."
    "She'll be fine. It's in the same family as a scarf, as an ascot, as a pocket square." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E09)
  • "The verses are gonna be satanic." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E09)
  • "Chicago Teachers" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E09)
  • "That moment when your hair falls out…" (Search Party, S02E03)
  • "You're a lightweight drunk and a lacrosse-ruining slut." (Marvel's Runaways, S01E04)
  • The Americans (Speechless, S02E08)
  • Risky Business (Speechless, S02E08)
  • "Ray and Austin are chickens! Ray and Austin are chickens!"
    "Oh, I'm a chicken? So I provide 35% of the protein America consumes? Real good insult." (Speechless, S02E08)
  • 2.40:1 aspect ratio (Mr. Robot, S03E08)
  • "Do you like TV?"
    "No."
    "Do you like horses?"
    "No."
    "Do you like Wii U?"
    "No." (Mr. Robot, S03E08)
  • "First of all, The Martian looks like shit." (Mr. Robot, S03E08)
  • "The Martian has 92% on Rotten Tomatoes."
    "That's because most critics have shitty taste." (Mr. Robot, S03E08)
  • "I wish you were dead!"
    "So do I!" (Mr. Robot, S03E08)
  • ♫: Robbie Robb – "In Time" (Mr. Robot, S03E07)
  • "Millennials Against Canada" (South Park, S21E09)
  • Greta Gerwig (Saturday Night Live, S43E07)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: Seattle 4

Previously on Adam Riff™:


October 2017
il corvo / nue / revel / xi'an noodles / mean sandwich / eltana / hello robin / chinapie / navy strength / teku tavern / pie bar / hot cakes / eden hill / bateau / trove / salumi artisan cured meats / rachel's ginger beer / no anchor / meat and bread / junebaby / hot cakes / tacos chukis / metropolitan market / macrina bakery / le petit cochon / pablo y pablo / joule / mean sandwich / ma'ono / trophy cupcakes / shorty's / teku tavern / georgetown liquor company / lowercase brewing / chuck's hop shop / twilight exit / cycene / macrina bakery / metropolitan market / eltana



Grilled Pickled Pig Tongue (Le Petit Cochon)
beer mustard, dilly tots, seed relish, apple jam, salt and pepper cabbage, tobacco

^ I was disgusted at myself after cleaning the plate.

Ghost Pepper Pork Tartare (Le Petit Cochon)
bonito aioli, nori, kumquat, mac nuts
—There's a reason you don't see many pork tartares.

Lamb Heart Tartare (Navy Strength)
yolk jam, ikura, taro chips

Anderson Ranch Lamb Tartare (Eden Hill)
hot mustard, goat milk caramel, petite carrot
—Tasted askew.


Steak Tartare Club (Mean Sandwich)
yuzu kosho mayo, bacon, lettuce, tomato, on sea wolf rye

Grilled Lamb Sandwich with Cheese (Salumi Artisan Cured Meats)
—Saddest lamb sandwich ever. Do better, Mario Batali's family.

Spicy Boudin Sandwich (Cycene)
cajun sausage, hot aioli, pepper jack, scrambled egg, served with home fries

Pepper Roulette (Junebaby)
black eye pea hummus, sour cream
—Just a ramekin of various roasted peppers of varying heat. Based on not being able to find a single photo of this dish, I think I may be the only person to ever order it.

Orange Habanero Chocolate Chip Cookie (Hello Robin)
—Spicy!

Rick's Chocolate Apricot Espresso Cookie (Macrina Bakery)
—Bittersweet chocolate chunks are accented with apricot bits and ground espresso.

The Cookie (Metropolitan Market)
two types of belgian chocolate, local flour, toasted walnuts, butter
—I brought four of them home with me.


Lamb Belly 'Carnitas' Taco (Pablo y Pablo)
four-chile guacamole, mint, pineapple salsa

Wild Boar Meatballs Taco (Pablo y Pablo)
salsa roja, oaxaca and jack cheese, onion, cilantro


Adobada Taco (Tacos Chukis)
marinated pork cooked al pastor, topped off with a slice of sweet grilled pineapple

^ Maybe re-think the size of the pineapple.

No. 4 Ice Cream and Peanut Wrap [Taiwanese Brrrr-rito] (Nue)
pineapple ice cream, peanut ice cream, crunchy peanut toffee crumb, and cilantro leaves wrapped in a thin spring roll wrapper
—Maybe use a softer spring roll wrapper.


Mint Ice Cream (Navy Strength)
chocolate, potato chip crumble, root beer glaze

^ The texture of the ice cream was off-putting. It was like eating spearmint gum.

Fish Sauce Caesar [Salad] (Navy Strength)
paneer, nasturtium, pretzel croutons
—Its dressing is not made with anchovies, but with fish sauce made with anchovies.

Uncle Sau Pizza (Chinapie)
caramel fish sauce, pork, cilantro pesto, jalapeño, fresh mozzarella, grana


The Chowder Pizza (Chinapie)
potato, house-made rolled smoked bacon, taylor shellfish clams, bechamel, rosemary, mozzarella

^ Things that make you go "hmm…"


Shrimp Cocktail 2.0 (Joule)
chinese celery, pork belly, ginger beer


Reuben Mille Feuille (Bateau)
smoked brisket and belly, purple cabbage, russian dressing, rye

^ Style over substance.

Carpaccio (Bateau)
coffee aioli, marinated spring onions, spicy greens, onion ash

[Off-Menu] Bateau Burger (Bateau)
dry-aged grass-fed beef, onion jam, aioli, on a house-made semolina bun
Bon Appétit: "The burger to end all burgers."


The Mean Sandwich (Mean Sandwich)
thick-cut corned beef, pickled red cabbage, yellow mustard, mint, maple syrup


Skins and Ins (Mean Sandwich)
fried baked potato chunks and their skins

^ Fries 2.0.


Crispy Pig Ear
pickled onions, pecan butter, honey

^ I did not want to stop eating this.



Everything Bagel Pancake (Revel)
smoked whitefish, preserved lemon aioli

Wasabi Cream Cheese (Eltana)
—Good morning!

Za'atar and Scallion Cream Cheese (Eltana)

Honeydew Pineapple Spinach Hotter Pop (Hot Cakes)
–A house-made Otter Pop.

P.O.G. Life (Trove)
guava sorbet with passion fruit jello and orange ribbon

Strawberry Lemonade Cupcake (Trophy Cupcakes)


Black Forest Cake (Joule)
thai chili pomegranate glaze, condensed milk

(Revel) Server: Are you a pastry chef?
Jon: Heh. No.
(Revel) Server: Because no one has ever ordered all of the desserts before.
Jon:


Revel Motherload (Revel)
miso caramel brownie tart, pretzel crust, toasted marshmallow, gochujang ganache, fried chocolate


Bingsoo Revival (Revel)
tropical punch tapioca, passion fruit mousse, black currant granita, guava jello, white chocolate crunch


Mochi Churro (Revel)
buttermilk mochi churro, kaffir lime, crème fraîche caramel, strawberry hibiscus jam

^ Mochi is not a good texture for churros.


Sheep's Cheese Churros (Eden Hill)
cherry tomato, black garlic, sesame, lovage

^ Better churros.


Cauliflower Chilaquiles (Eden Hill)
manchego, lime crema, serrano hot sauce, shishito, curtido

^ …and a worse play on Mexican food.

Taiwanese Chicken Heart Poppers (Nue)
crispy fried marinated chicken hearts, garlic, and scallion, served with rice wine and chili oil dipping sauce

Chicken Pho Soup Dumplings (Chinapie)
charred onion, ginger, scallion, mint
—Lack soup.



Eat the Entire Menu (No Anchor)

^ Split three ways, it was still filling.

Some changes:

Our Raw Puget Sound Oyster featured dill oil instead of spruce oil. Our Glazed Lamb Sweetbreads featured elderberry, pickled elderflower, and celery root instead of cherry tomatoes, smoked yolk, and romano beans. Our Grilled Wagyu Steak featured ceps and pommes purée instead of cherries and seasonal mushrooms. And instead of Vanilla Cream Cheese Custard:

Concord Grape Sorbet (No Anchor)
vanilla pumpkin pudding, pepita praline, sake lees ice


MISSED CONNECTIONS


Thai Mang Da Na (Nue)
three large thai water beetles with intense flavours of fruit, flowers, candy, and salt

^ I couldn't do it.

Cornflake-Crusted Chicken Livers (Radiator Whiskey)
frank's redhot, aioli

Fried Beef Lip Terrine (Radiator Whiskey)
dijonnaise

Lamb Neck Sloppy Joe (Radiator Whiskey)
coleslaw, fried onions, bun


The LPC Pig Mac (Le Petit Cochon)
olsen farm pig burger, sliced smoked pork belly, salt cured foie, plum jam, onion rings, truffle aioli, arugula pistou, red onion, salt and vinegar chips

^ $32 burger.

Sherried Duck Hearts (Le Petit Cochon)
grit cake, burnt eggplant purée, fennel cream spinach, pine nut vin, apricot

Flank Steak "Jerky" (Gather)
marinated in lemongrass, ginger, and fish sauce

Neli Pizza (Chinapie)
chicken tikka masala sausage, tomato cream curry, jalapeño, pickled onions, aged mozzarella, goat cheese

Japanese Clam Chowder (Iconiq)
white miso soy, daikon, bacon, seaweed butter bread


Beer-Battered Nori Dumplings (Cook Weaver)
kimchi, tahini sauce

Braised Brisket with Hominy (Cook Weaver)
pickles, fried egg, nori, in the style of bibimbap

Chocolate Chip Cookie with Gray Salt (Delancey)


Sweet and Sour Olive Oil Gummy Bear with Chocolate Truffle (Tarsan i Jane)

Sourdough Pancake [Liquid Nitrogen] Ice Cream (Nue)

Tallow Cake (Bateau)
poached plums, vanilla buttercream, pickled rose

Pine Ice Cream (Bateau)
juniper meringue, warm huckleberries

Blueberry Thrill (Trove)
calamansi frozen custard with blueberry swirl and cornbread cake

Razzmatazz (Trove)
calamansi frozen custard with champagne jello and raspberry pop rocks

#eatersdigest

Once You Pop… That's Great!

etwards on Instagram:

I think I'd lie for you
I think I'd die for you
Jodeci "Cry for You"
Do things when you want me to

FOR CYBORG!


Did Lifetime mash up two existing romantic comedies?

No, it's just a Christmas variation on Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Idea: Shakespeare in Love Actually – interconnected Christmas variations on nine Shakespeare plays.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

48. Naked Josh Hutcherson fights hung version of himself (Future Man, S01E12)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Dude, I'm telling you, everything I wear, I get for free, down to my modal boxer briefs."
    "Modal."
    "It's this new fabric. It's three times softer than cotton."
    "Damn, three times?"
    "Yeah."
    "My drawers feel like construction paper." (Ghosted, S01E07)
  • "How do they know each of these packs of almonds are exactly 100 calories? They don't know. They can't know." (Ghosted, S01E07)
  • "Man, that's full nuts, like the phone booth on Doctor Who."
    "Yeah. Wait a second, you watch Doctor Who?"
    "I saw one on accident. I was flipping through channels." (Ghosted, S01E07)
  • "Smells weird."
    "You sure that's not what your hand always smells like?"
    "You know what? I have no idea. That's a really good point. Do you know what your hand smells like?" (Ghosted, S01E07)
  • "We're in total agree-wo-ment." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E07)
  • "He's changing all the manatee art to wo-manatee art." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E07)
  • "Wo-man, oh, wo-man, is it hot out! Yeah, plus all the pollen. Think I might have to go take an anti-her-stamine." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E07)
  • "Vagina-doodle-doo! Rise and shine, everyone! What a beautiful daughter-rise." + "This is what a feminist drinks like" mug (The Last Man on Earth, S04E07)
  • "I feel like Bill Clinton right now – a simple man between two legendary Bushes, one of them a little older." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E07)
  • "As they scissor through the chains of ignorance, strap on, it's gonna be a wild ride. The three of you will form an unbreakable bond that nobody can penetrate." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E07)
  • "That's not a wife; this is a wife." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E07)
  • "I will break through the symbolic glass ceiling by shattering this actual glass ceiling." + subsequent toilet-papered facial cuts (The Last Man on Earth, S04E07)
  • Seinfeld finale (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E08)
  • ♫: Blanck Mass – "Please" (Search Party, S02E01)
  • "GWAR has no mothers!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E08)
  • "All pitching comes directly from the ass." (The Mick, S02E07)
  • "All dip is just mayo!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E07)
  • "Wow, the unhygienic apple doesn't fall far from the unhygienic tree."
    "Did you just call my mom a tree?"
    "I called her an unhygienic tree." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E07)
  • "My son is a basic bitch." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E07)
  • "There's nothing better than a plain scone!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E07)
  • ♫: Knight Rider theme song (Mr. Robot, S03E07)
  • "I'm supposed to be on a Jdate with Juanita at Ruby Tuesday as we speak. She's probably worried about me."
    "What are you doing on Jdate? You're not even Jewish. It doesn't sound like she is either."
    "I told you, my 23andMe said I'm 6% Ashkenazi, and for your information, her full name is Juanita Rosenberg." (Mr. Robot, S03E07)


(Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E05)

  • "New plan: Torture her here."
    "Oh, what a waste. I had electric current, scalpels, this awesome scorpion I found…"
    "Hey, [points at heart] torture comes from here." (Future Man, S01E06)
  • "I watched Badger interrogate a million times. God dammit, he could get under people's skin. Just relentless."
    "How did he die?"
    "AIDS." (Future Man, S01E06)
  • "He programmed me with a sophisticated understanding of dramatic structure, but he never takes my notes on his screenplays. Know what you get when you ignore me? Unobtainium and characters who fornicate with their ponytails." (Future Man, S01E07)
  • "Hey, SIGORN-E, teach me more Na'vi words. What's 'wolf'?"
    "There is no Na'vi word for 'wolf,' but there is one for 'website,' which I assure you makes perfect sense." (Future Man, S01E07)
  • "I would recommend performing CPR."
    "English, please!"
    "Or very basic Na'vi." (Future Man, S01E07)
  • "We are going to get back up, we are going to dust off our clits, and we are going to complete this mission." (Future Man, S01E10)
  • "I'm fucking you with your own dick!" (Future Man, S01E13)
  • "Dingo, do not take my baby! " (Future Man, S01E13)
  • "A myrm eats its way through your brain lobe by lobe. If he's having an orgasm this intense, it can only be because the myrm is chewing on his amygdala. That's the brain's clit." (Future Man, S01E13)
  • "Destiny isn't something that just arrives on your doorstep in a wooden box from Japan. It's something that you seize in a moment, a moment where you realize you have to murder or suicide your former boss and mentor." (Future Man, S01E13)
  • Future Man Season Grade: C+
  • "It has changed a bit. There's a music festival now every summer. It has four stages."
    "Like cancer." (Back, S01E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

#clipoftheweek


Eater's Digest: November 22, 2017

// San Francisco, CA

Salted Caramel Thanksgiving Turkey Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)
we cook turkey stock mixed with sugar, spices, and onions down until it bubbles into a caramel, which creates the base of the salted caramel ice cream; we roast turkey skin until it's crispy and then candy-coat it and mix bits of that in

Buttered Mashed Potatoes and Gravy Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)
we make a potato-flavoured ice cream, thanks to the real potatoes we boil down until the starch turns to sugar, and then stir in our own homemade gravy fudge

Neither tasted like anything. Having not read the description of the Salted Caramel Thanksgiving Turkey Ice Cream beforehand, I detected a bit of candy-coated turkey skin in my mouth and thought it was a bone.

Okay, it's not a bone. [bites down] Toffee? Brittle? Is this the turkey ice cream? Did she scoop a different salted caramel flavour?

Trick or Treat Ice Cream (Little Giant Ice Cream)
swedish fish, candy corn, twizzlers
—Saw this on Instagram earlier this week. Not broken up that it wasn't available when I visited.


I stopped by Ayesha Curry's restaurant (International Smoke) for happy hour.

Chili and Garlic Hominy (International Smoke)
—I didn't taste any chili or garlic, only lime. Easy on the squeeze.

Buttered Curry Cornbread (International Smoke)
—I thought this cornbread contained curry and am just now realizing that it's Curry cornbread, as in Ayesha's recipe. It should be called Ayesha's Buttered Cornbread. I see "international" and "curry" and think Indian cornbread.

"How Much For One Rib?" (International Smoke)
—Pleasantly unexpectedly spicy.

#eatersdigest

Going to the dump to watch the bears

This is my favourite store in Toronto:

Rory: I see your favourite store in Toronto and raise you

Meanwhile, in San Francisco:

Dim Sum and Dabs combines piles of delicious bao and har gow with constantly reloaded dab rigs.

"Since we have the heavier porks, the soy sauce, and the savory, I'm using a hybrid which has pinene and citrene in it, which are terpenes that are more uplifting and euphoric. They match well, and they cut through some of the saltiness."

And I thought the water sommelier was white nonsense…


Eater's Digest: October 7, 2017

// Vancouver, BC

My third[?] time in Vancouver during Canadian Thanksgiving weekend.


Showstopper Salad (The Mackenzie Room)
farmer's cheese, pistachio vinaigrette


Chicken of the Sea (The Mackenzie Room)
sea urchin paté, ink brioche, hazelnut, pear

^ Faux liver.


Have Your Cake (The Mackenzie Room)
zucchini cake, nectarine ice cream, black pepper cream

Saffron Honey Panna Cotta (The Mackenzie Room)
plum, mezcal sorbet


(The Black Lodge) is a Twin Peaks-themed vegetarian restaurant and bar in Vancouver. A second Black Lodge location opened in October. Two Black Lodges? Why not a White Lodge?

(La Casa Gelato) serves 238 flavours:


Chocolate-covered fried chicken skin for dessert at (AnnaLena)

#eatersdigest

I rock yellow on some yellow like what purple is to Prince

I see this decal on cars in my area:

I just realized today that it reads "he is greater than I" and not "Heki."


Last Black Friday, I bought this hoodie, not knowing what the letters meant:

I just liked the design. "YO M-B."

I didn't realize until, like, May of this year that I had been misreading the letters. It's not "YO M-B," it's "MYOB," as in "mind your own business."

Oh… That's why it was called "Business Hoodie."


Darrell Hammond was on Saturday Night Live for 14 seasons, during which time no one ever thought of this as a Celebrity Jeopardy! category?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

47. Brimful of Asha (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E04)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "How's it looking?"
    "Your girlfriend is gonna love this one, bro."
    "No, it's not my girlfriend, it's my mom."
    "Your mom?"
    "Mhmm."
    "Bro, you should've told me that before I started working on these titties." (Shameless, S08E02)
  • "Tandy, I appreciate your efforts, but I think I'm just too tired to be stimulated nipple-arily." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E06)
  • "Hey, Care Bear, would you feel better if I stayed up all night and watched your vagina?"
    "You would do that for me?"
    "I would do that for a lot of people, but tonight, yes, it's for you." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E06)
  • "Carol, columns could crumble, the moon could explode, a banshee could scream in the very face of time, and I will not stop watching this vagina." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E06)
  • "I follow the golden rule, okay? 'Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you' – the golden rule."
    "I follow the golden rule too – my friend Jasper Golden. 'Fuck them or they'll fuck you.'" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
  • "I don't want some post-sex guy walking around my house, okay? Now get out."
    "First of all, there's nothing wrong with people having the scent of fuck on their body."
    "I don't like the scent of fuck, okay? Sue me. I don't like fuck scent." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
  • "Gorgeous Romanian?! That's an oxymoron." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
  • "You have two children, heating and air-conditioning. You have to pick one, the one you had an affinity for, and the other one goes into the concentration camp. Which one you gonna keep?"
    "Heat. Go with heat."
    "So air conditioning's going to the concentration camp." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
  • "Fuck this $25,000 tiger." (Vice Principals, S02E09)
  • Vice principal Stevie Janowski (Vice Principals, S02E09)
  • Vice Principals Season Grade: C+
  • Jason Jordan fighting back tears and saying, "This is the one time that Raw and SmackDown go head-to-head in direct competition" (WWE Raw, 11-13-17)
  • "Grandma, I know what movie you should do for your ESL final monologue: The Sandlot."
    "I told you, nothing with Denis Leary." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E07)
  • "This is a huge opportunity. Governor Filucci is the real deal. He served in the Gulf War. He speaks Punjabi. He authored a crossword puzzle for the New York Times."
    "Let me guess. Monday?" (The Mayor, S01E07)
  • "A Nakatomi Plaza cake?! The groom is on a licorice hose!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E06)
  • "Kai, will you relax? Let me make you a Manwich."
    "Fuck a Manwich!" (American Horror Story, S07E11)
  • "Fortify yourselves with some vitamin A!" (American Horror Story, S07E11)
  • "It was your idea to cut off his face." (American Horror Story, S07E11)
  • "Killing people doesn't get the men hard and the ladies wet anymore, but Americans lose their ever-loving shit when you destroy their symbols, statues, flags, pledges of allegiance, $20 bills, white Jesus, and Merry fucking Christmas! You come for any of that stuff, you've got rioting in the streets and domination of the news cycle for weeks." (American Horror Story, S07E11)
  • "You were wrong. There is something more dangerous in this world than a humiliated man: A nasty woman." (American Horror Story, S07E11)
  • American Horror Story Season Grade: B-
  • Mar-a-Lago (Mr. Robot, S03E06)
  • "Another fine choice of venue by Sergei."
    "Utterly tasteless."
    "I passed that buffoon of an owner in the lobby. You gonna take him up on his offer to go boating tomorrow?"
    "Oh, please, don't remind me. Those swim trunks he insists upon wearing, a bit too snug. And a bit too short, wouldn't you say?"
    "Mm. I believe the appropriate term is 'hanging brain.'" (Mr. Robot, S03E06)
  • ♫: Slothrust – "Like A Child Hiding Behind Your Tombstone" (You're the Worst, S04E13)
  • You're the Worst Season Grade: D+
  • Better Things Season Grade: C
  • The Walking Dead + Breaking Bad + Talking Bad (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E04)
  • "Why are Republicans trying so hard to protect Roy Moore from this case? It's not like he wrote the remix to 'Ignition'…" (Saturday Night Live, S43E06)
  • "I've always wanted to fuck Luigi. I love Italian dick. I bet Luigi's dick, the whole dick is hairy. The whole dick. He has a dragon that shits eggs like a chicken. That's fucking dope." (Future Man, S01E01)
  • "I'm really sorry, Stu."
    "Sorry doesn't re-swab those urethras." (Future Man, S01E01)
  • "Now, what was I talking about?"
    "Uh, herpes."
    "Oh, yes, of course. I'll never forget the night I contracted it. It was the night of the moon landing."
    "That is a historic moment to contract herpes." (Future Man, S01E01)
  • "I'm like, I don't even remember buying this. Then I realized it was my dad's Fleshlight." (Future Man, S01E04)
  • "It's like macaroons for my nose!" (Future Man, S01E04)
  • Kombucha-boarding (Future Man, S01E04)
  • "No more, please! I can't take it! It's too tart!" (Future Man, S01E04)
  • "Morris, 'buch him." (Future Man, S01E04)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

#clipoftheweek


Dilly Dilly

My work's weekly staff video conference always opens with a survey question. This week's question: What was the first album you owned?

Jon: 2 Live Crew – As Nasty As They Wanna Be.
The Rest of the Staff: [pause]


I am driving the boy and girl home from school.

Jon: What time did you wake up this morning?
The Boy: 7:00am.
Jon: That late?
The Girl: No, 5:00am…and you are listening to Los Angeles!

Did she just reference Soul Coughing's "Screenwriter's Blues"?

I come upon Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" on the radio.

The Boy: Is this a remix?


The boy now dresses like Edgar on You're the Worst.


I drop the boy off for swimming at a local community college.

Whenever I see Asian students at a community college, I wonder if their parents are disappointed. Their parents are probably just undocumented, though, or desperate for their children to attend college in America.

We do it different on the west coast

Why is Cash Cab returning as Cash Cab and not Cash Uber?

Idea: Casino Monopoly. Play Monopoly with real money (as chips). A dealer is the banker. For accessibility, all dollar amounts are one-tenth of the board game's. Instead of beginning with $1500, the buy-in to play is $150. Receive $20 as you pass Go. Mediterranean Avenue is $6, Boardwalk is $40. If you need more money, you can mortgage properties or just open your wallet. A game ends when one player goes bankrupt.

Idea: A roast of Louis C.K. with a dais of women he was sexually inappropriate with. At the end, Louis roasts the dais for admiring him.

Idea: A Coca-Cola Freestyle machine, but for beer. Create your own beer cocktail. Beer concentrate exists.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

It's a tie!

46a. Gamby vs. Russell (Vice Principals, S02E08)

46b. Escort for Nathan (Nathan For You, S04E07)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Wait. I know that I've said this a lot, but this time I mean it. We should put leaves in our underwear." (Bob's Burgers, S08E04)
  • "Liam, how was school today?"
    "Okay. Some cracker told me my life mattered." (Shameless, S08E01)
  • "Well, these stairs are an obvious hazard, but nothing a couple packing peanuts can't fix."
    "Packing peanuts?"
    "Yeah, packing peanuts. You don't want our baby getting SIFILISS."
    "Syphilis."
    "SIFILISS."
    "Syphilis."
    "SIFILISS. You know, Sudden Infant Falling Into Large Indoor Spaces Syndrome?"
    "Oh, I thought you meant the other one."
    "No, I'm talking about the bad one." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E05)
  • "I'm baby-proofing, and you are doing the reverse. You're…foorpybab-ing."
    "I am not, Carol, and I take offense at that, okay? If anything, I'm doing the reverse of foorpybab-ing. I'm, uhh…babbyprof-ing." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E05)
  • "I'd rather play with a fast Manson than a slow Funkhauser." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E06)
  • "A stabbing range where you stab dummies." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E06)
  • "The fuck is this? A spaceship on a ladder?"
    "I think it's a train."
    "On a ladder?" (Vice Principals, S02E08)


(Vice Principals, S02E08)

  • "Today, me and my sister were spying on Lee in the bathroom when we caught him standing on the bathroom sink inspecting his own asshole in the mirror." (Vice Principals, S02E08)
  • ♫: Big Black Delta – "Roost" (Vice Principals, S02E08)
  • "Take a pear and get out there, woman gay." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E06)
  • "I'd like to bet $20,000 on Yabba Dabba Doo." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
  • "Addiction is nothing to fool around with. I had food issues. I ate a crate of hams once." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
  • "Murder Truck" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
  • "Oh no, he is deep in the ham crate." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
  • "I'm glad you get your money back. You can invest it in something you actually believe in instead of my balls." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
  • ♫: Harry Styles – "Sign of the Times" (Riverdale, S02E05)
  • "I don't know anything. I'm just a turtle." (South Park, S21E07)
  • Elliott's employee number is 07-23-91, the date that birthed the Mandela Effect (Mr. Robot, S03E05)
  • ♫: Blues Traveler – "Run-Around" (Mr. Robot, S03E05)
  • Elliot running into the room from which Angela came out (Mr. Robot, S03E05)


(The Late Late Show with James Corden, 11-08-17)


(Nathan For You, S04E07)

  • "Mud 2: Never Clean" (Nathan For You, S04E07)
  • "We had successfully transformed the church social hall I had rented into a ballroom fit for Cinderella herself, and Bill looked like the spitting image of Alex Sanford in the thick-rimmed non-prescription glasses we had purchased from Sam's Club." (Nathan For You, S04E07)
  • There was a hidden message in the closed captions (Nathan For You, S04E07)
  • "We decided to do a role reversal exercise using a wig I had picked up from a store down the block." (Nathan For You, S04E07)
  • "When we got back to the hotel that night, there was a bee on the loose." (Nathan For You, S04E07)
  • Nathan For You Season Grade: A-
  • Zelda secret sound (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E03)
  • GoldenEye N64 opening (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E03)
  • "And Tolkie got freaky with a Banjo-Kazooie runner, Stephanie Bobo." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E03)
  • "Raccoons cannot resist some peanut butter titties." (Lady Dynamite, S02E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

#clipoftheweek