Big Willie Style

Did you ever see that movie where Will Smith plays an ad executive so shut down with grief over the death of his daughter that his business partners hire actors to confront him in public in the roles of Death, Time, and Love, the abstract concepts to whom he has been penning and mailing angry letters?

But that's not the weirdest part. The business partners want the Will Smith character to step aside, because their firm is floundering, so they set it up so that he believes that nobody but him can see Death, Time, and Love, even when he's shouting at them on the streets of Manhattan.

The plot demands that a private detective film Will Smith's character shouting at Love in the West Village and at Death on the subway. And then the business partners digitally remove the actors from that footage so it looks as if their deeply troubled friend is actually yelling at nobody.

Reminds me of that movie where Will Smith plays an aerospace engineer so shut down with guilt over the death of his fiancée and six others that he masquerades as an IRS agent, commits suicide by jellyfish in a bath of ice, and gives sight to a blind telemarketer for a meat company.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


50. Conan Submits To A Dominatrix (Conan Without Borders: Berlin, 12-07-16)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • ♫: "Swimming Pools [Drank]" (Son of Zorn, S01E08)
  • ♫: Glass Candy (Westworld, S01E10)
  • "The maze wasn't meant for you." (Westworld, S01E10)
  • Felix thinking he's a host (Westworld, S01E10)
  • Samuraiworld/Eastworld (Westworld, S01E10)
  • "The gods are pussies." (Westworld, S01E10)
  • "Die well." (Westworld, S01E10)
  • "A metaphor."
    "You mean a lie." (Westworld, S01E10)
  • "The divine gift does not come from a higher power, but from our own minds." (Westworld, S01E10)
  • ♫: "Exit Music" × "Westworld Main Title" (Westworld, S01E10)
  • Westworld Season Grade: C
  • "A baseball bat doesn't have a pussy." (The Walking Dead, S07E07)
  • ♫: Strand of Oaks – "HEAL" (Shameless, S07E10)
  • "She could be stuck in a pit somewhere, or quicksand, or even worse, slowsand, a slower, more torturous form of dangerous sand." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E08)
  • "The Doors? Man, that's a nice white group." (New Girl, S06E09)
  • "Maybe I've lost touch with the people. Serves me right being such a damn success. I'm sitting in my ivory tower like Dan Brown."
    "Nick, you're a very talented writer, but you're no Dan Brown."
    "Well, if I'm no Dan Brown, and I'm no man of the people, then who am I?" (New Girl, S06E09)
  • "I gotta fix the boiler."
    "Oh, gas or steam?"
    "…Double."
    "It's a double." (New Girl, S06E09)
  • "I've read this same sentence, like, 20 times. Am I ever gonna find out where the red fern grows?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E07)
  • ♫: "Two Princes," heh (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E07)
  • "Happy birthday, little Henry. I hope you wished for herpes." (Black-ish, S03E09)
  • "Gear-i, pull up 'Klump diet.'"
    "I love the Klumps, but there might not be enough time to pull that off. You don't want to under-do the Klumps." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E08)
  • "The cum and joke mines of Mars." (South Park, S20E10)
  • South Park Season Grade: D-
  • RT: I don't know how this owl puppet is possible, but good work, prop crew! (Saturday Night Live, S42E09)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek

We Begged 2 Explode

ESPN asked all 128 FBS college football head coaches for their favourite musical artist.

I, in turn, asked some mates to pick this winter's bowl games as match-ups of said favourite musical artists.

The panel:
Me
Adam Robot (What.cd power user)
Ben (professional DJ)
Steven (Gen X musicophile)
Hugo (pianist for Wartime Recitals/live music junkie)
Drew (self-proclaimed "sonic pragmatist")
Russell (black dude)
Riley (drummer for Thrice)

Note: Favourite musical artists listed reflect head coaches during the regular season, so, for example, Houston is Tom Herman's favourite musical artist, even though he is now the head coach at Texas.

 

Jon Adam Ben Steve Hugo Drew Russ Riley
New Mexico Bowl
Van Morrison vs. Trombone Shorty
New Mexico vs. UTSA
TS TS VM VM TS TS VM VM
Las Vegas Bowl
Michael Jackson vs. AC/DC
Houston vs. San Diego State
MJ MJ MJ MJ MJ MJ MJ MJ
Camellia Bowl
Eric Church vs. Jay Z
Appalachian State vs. Toledo
JZ JZ JZ JZ JZ JZ JZ JZ
Cure Bowl
Zac Brown Band vs. Journey
UCF vs. Arkansas State
J J ZBB J ZBB J J J
New Orleans Bowl
Meat Loaf vs. Pearl Jam
Southern Mississippi vs. Louisiana-Lafayette
ML ML PJ PJ PJ ML PJ PJ
Miami Beach Bowl
Tim McGraw vs. Otis Redding
Central Michigan vs. Tulsa
OR OR OR OR TM OR OR OR
Boca Raton Bowl
Tom Petty vs. Toby Keith
Memphis vs. Western Kentucky
TP TP TP TP TP TP TP TP
Poinsettia Bowl
Fiji vs. The Eagles
BYU vs. Wyoming
E E E E F F E E
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Garth Brooks vs. Sam Hunt
Idaho vs. Colorado State
GB GB GB GB GB GB SH SH
Bahamas Bowl
The Eagles vs. AC/DC
Eastern Michigan vs. Old Dominion
AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC
Armed Forces Bowl
Kenny Chesney vs. Michael Jackson
Louisiana Tech vs. Navy
MJ MJ MJ MJ MJ MJ MJ MJ
Dollar General Bowl
Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
vs. Eric Church
Ohio vs. Troy
BS BS BS BS BS BS BS Not sure I've ever listened to either
Hawai'i Bowl
J Boog vs. The Temptations
Hawai'i vs. Middle Tennessee
T T T T T T T T
St. Petersburg Bowl
Billy Joel vs. U2
Miami (Ohio) vs. Mississippi State
U2 BJ U2 U2 BJ U2 U2 U2
Quick Lane Bowl
Red Hot Chili Peppers vs. James Taylor
Maryland vs. Boston College
RHCP JT RHCP RHCP JT JT RHCP JT
Independence Bowl
Merle Haggard vs. Charlie Wilson
NC State vs. Vanderbilt
CW MH MH MH CW CW CW MH
Heart of Dallas Bowl
Buddy Guy vs. Jerry Jeff Walker
Army vs. North Texas
BG BG BG BG BG BG BG BG
Military Bowl
Dave Matthews Band vs. Talking Heads
Temple vs. Wake Forest
TH TH TH TH DMB TH TH DMB
Holiday Bowl
Declined to answer vs. Neil Young
Minnesota vs. Washington State
Cactus Bowl
Garth Brooks vs. The Black Keys
Boise State vs. Baylor
BK BK BK BK GB GB BK BK
Pinstripe Bowl
AC/DC vs. Kenny Chesney
Pittsburgh vs. Northwestern
AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC
Russell Athletic Bowl
Prince vs. David Richt
West Virginia vs. Miami
P P P P P P P P
Foster Farms Bowl
Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
vs. The Rolling Stones
Indiana vs. Utah
RS BS RS BS BS BS RS RS
Texas Bowl
Drake vs. Frank Sinatra
Texas A&M vs. Kansas State
FS FS FS FS FS FS FS FS
Birmingham Bowl
Drake vs. George Strait
South Florida vs. South Carolina
D GS D GS GS D D I'd rather listen to an airhorn for three minutes
Belk Bowl
The Temptations vs. Dave Matthews Band
Arkansas vs. Virginia Tech
T T T T DMB T T T
Alamo Bowl
Prince vs. MercyMe
Oklahoma State vs. Colorado
P P P P P P P P
Liberty Bowl
The Rolling Stones vs. Fleetwood Mac
Georgia vs. TCU
FM RS FM RS FM RS RS RS
Sun Bowl
Declined to answer vs. The Eagles
Stanford vs. North Carolina
Music City Bowl
Gary P. Nunn vs. The Gap Band
Nebraska vs. Tennessee
GB GB GB GPN GB GB GB Who?
Arizona Bowl
Stevie Ray Vaughn vs. Brad Paisley
South Alabama vs. Air Force
SRV SRV SRV SRV SRV SRV SRV SRV
Orange Bowl
Bob Marley vs. Lynyrd Skynyrd
Michigan vs. Florida State
BM LS BM LS LS BM BM BM
Citrus Bowl
Creedence Clearwater Revival vs. Stevie Nicks
LSU vs. Louisville
CCR SN SN CCR SN CCR CCR CCR
TaxSlayer Bowl
Kenny Chesney vs. Toby Keith
Georgia Tech vs. Kentucky
TK KC KC TK KC KC KC No
Outback Bowl
Earth, Wind and Fire vs. Pat Green
Florida vs. Iowa
EWF EWF EWF EWF EWF EWF EWF EWF
Cotton Bowl
Jason Aldean vs. Phil Vassar
Western Michigan vs. Wisconsin
JA JA JA PV PV JA JA [pause]
Rose Bowl
Darius Rucker vs. Jay Z
USC vs. Penn State
JZ JZ JZ JZ JZ JZ JZ JZ
Sugar Bowl
The Cars vs. Toby Keith
Auburn vs. Oklahoma
C C C C C C C C
Peach Bowl
Creedence Clearwater Revival vs. The Eagles
Washington vs. Alabama
CCR CCR CCR CCR E CCR CCR CCR
Fiesta Bowl
Sister Hazel vs. Garth Brooks
Ohio State vs. Clemson
SH GB GB GB SH GB SH I can't

Here comes the hotstepper

Did you know that Robert Irvine has a talk show?

A security guard and now a chef. Land of opportunity.

related:

Hosted by VICE's Abdullah Saeed, Bong Appétit explores the making and consumption of high-end cannabis-infused foods with different chefs and party guests each episode. (series debuts December 15 @ 11:30PM)


After an electric heating blanket shorts out while the gang watches The Wiz, they look in the mirror and realize they've turned black. [source]

Sleep in the heat and repeat

// Hudson Square, Manhattan

Uhh, this elevator has no buttons.

Oh. When you scan your pass to enter the elevator bank, the screen on the gate assigns you to an elevator.

So you're restricted to your destination floor and the lobby unless you have outside company in your elevator.

» afternoon

[persistent honking]

Why is all that noise?

Oh. It's drivers trying to enter the Holland Tunnel.

If office space around the Holland Tunnel isn't discounted, it should be.


// Union Square, Manhattan

Huh. A combination Capital One Bank and Peet's Coffee.

Oh. Capital One Cafés exist throughout the country.

Here, you can take care of everyday banking needs or just get cozy with free Wi-Fi and hand-crafted Peet's beverages.


// Long Island City, Queens

A one-mile race?

$20 for the first third of a P.E. class.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

49. Pasta Bañana (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E07)


Honourable Mention

  • Shootout (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)

Stray Observations

  • "So what's everybody's Christmas plans?"
    "I'm going to treat myself to a new penis." (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "Hey, where did all the tiny candy canes go? Augie…"
    "What? I needed them for my tiny candy cane trees."
    "But how the hell will my candy cripples walk?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "You're carolers, right? I love carolers."
    "Love killing them, or…?"
    "What?"
    "Nothing." (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "What's happening?"
    "We're pointing guns at each other's gingerbread houses, obviously."
    "Where were you even hiding that?"
    "Let's just say I have a high butt crack." (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "Okay, now you say something nice about me."
    "You have pretty…eye?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • Kevin's pronunciation of "ouroboros" (Shameless, S07E09)
  • "I do not show love regular. I show by doing. I fix bar. I watch kids. I cook. I give oral. I protect from dangerous Russian. Everything for these two."
    "Kev and Vee, are you hearing Lana?"
    "Yes."
    "What is she saying?"
    "She gives oral." (Shameless, S07E09)
  • William McPoyle-ing (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "If you were to proclaim your humanity to the world, what do you imagine would greet you? A ticker tape parade, perhaps? We humans are alone in this world for a reason. We murdered and butchered anything that challenged our primacy. Do you know what happened to the Neanderthals, Bernard? We ate them. We destroyed and subjugated our world. And when we eventually ran out of creatures to dominate, we built this beautiful place." (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "The piano doesn't murder the player if it doesn't like the music." (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "Never place your trust in us. We're only human. Inevitably, we will disappoint you." (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "So, uhh, should I play some music or something like that? I have, like, a week left on my trial subscription to Tidal…" (Insecure, S01E08)
  • "Sorry for making this about me."
    "Yeah, make it about it's my birthday. It'll be about you if you get hit or have a baby." (Insecure, S01E08)
  • "Damn her pussy fat." (Insecure, S01E08)
  • "Is that why Lawrence hit you?" (Insecure, S01E08)
  • Insecure Season Grade: B-
  • "Never meet your heroes. Marie Callender was a real bitch." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "I know it sounds crazy, but the Caribbean might be more fun than Iowa."
    "In what universe?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "You pantsing Patrick Ewing has nothing to do with this." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place of work when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "BO-O-O-O-NE!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "The council of the cousins."
    "Look at them. It's like a beige of pigs." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "How many Knicks have you pantsed?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "You always smell just a little bit like vanilla."
    "That's my soap. I got it at Lush." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "Ohh, this was a double-edged coin." (New Girl, S06E08)
  • They shot at Costco but couldn't use an actual Costco card as a prop? (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E06)
  • "Oh, dad!"
    "Yes?"
    "Oh, sorry. That's my default way of speaking. I meant 'Ohh, dad…'" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E06)
  • "Mom, you said you'd be out here 10 minutes ago."
    "I'm getting JJ dressed, okay?"
    "JJ's right here."
    "Okay, fine, I was doing a maze." (Speechless, S01E08)
  • "Wow, so your boy got himself a snowflake."
    "Yup."
    "And, he didn't even have to become a professional athlete." (Black-ish, S03E08)
  • "We want it to look like the VIP lounge at American Airlines."
    "I have $62."
    "Fine. Delta Airlines." (Black-ish, S03E08)
  • "So you mean to tell me that you have two John Mayer tickets on you at all times."
    "At all times. They tried to offer me Dave Matthews tickets, but I don't want a woman that white." (Black-ish, S03E08)
  • "A group of Korean women is called a 'raft.'" (Black-ish, S03E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek

A Moon Shaped Poo

// Brooklyn, NY

Jon: Hi. The water in my bathroom isn't heating up past lukewarm.
Front Desk: Did you let it run for 10-15 minutes?
Jon: [pause]


I dislike how most hotels don't provide liquid hand soap.

For one thing, I perceive liquid soap to be more effective at sanitising my hands after wiping my butt than solid soap.

Moreover, washing my face with the same bar of soap that I wash my hands with after wiping my butt is unsavoury to me.

Those who hate Los Angeles have never been in love

Put a sriracha bottle on it!

Sriracha bottle is the "Warriors blew a 3-1 lead" of design.

No one wants socks or a skateboard deck with a Tapatio label on it?
Rory: Oh, those exist too…

Idea: Red Sriracha bottle condom with a green tip.


This year, Pepsi created its own emojis and Coca-Cola created a selfie bottle.

Where the #RCchallenge at?


And with that—

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

48. Kelly vs. Evil Ash Puppet (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E08)


Stray Observations

  • "Well, our boyfriend is coming over any minute, and he has a Bowflex!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E05)
  • "Okay, Gene, I have a plan."
    "Great. I have diarrhea." (Bob's Burgers, S07E05)
  • "Oh, God. I think I just bisqued my pants." (Bob's Burgers, S07E05)
  • Pablo! (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E08)
  • "It's just bad and boring, like avocado toast." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "Everyone likes stanzas." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "Gene, when you said, 'Tina, your play's got the goods,' and you said 'goods' like it had a 'z' at the end, that was just a bunch of crap?"
    "I never should have put that 'z' on the end. That's my biggest regret in all of this mezz."
  • "Don't get your pubes in a tube."
    "I will get my pubes in a tube! We should all get our pubes in a tube!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "I feel like my soul has diarrhea." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "But now those birds with perfect bodies / are decapitated hotties." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • ♫: The Delta Riggs – "No Friends" (Shameless, S07E08)
  • RT: Carl is terrible at throwing darts because he only has one eye. (The Walking Dead, S07E05)
  • "He's a coward. They're more dangerous." (The Walking Dead, S07E05)


(The Walking Dead, S07E05)

  • "I'm a killer. My God, my God…"
    "God has nothing to do with it. You killed her because…I told you to." (Westworld, S01E08)
  • RT: The Man in Black is trying to make his way to the center of a maze, so of course he and Teddy have to fight a man dressed as a minotaur on their way there. (Westworld, S01E08)
  • "There is no threshold that makes us greater than the sum of our parts, no inflection point at which we become fully alive. We can't define consciousness because consciousness does not exist. Humans fancy that there's something special about the way we perceive the world, and yet we live in loops as tight and as closed as the hosts do, seldom questioning our choices, content, for the most part, to be told what to do next. No, my friend, you're not missing anything at all." (Westworld, S01E08)
  • "Jackie Chan is too thirsty." (Insecure, S01E07)
  • "Let's do the nigga rundown." (Insecure, S01E07)
  • Titus doing the #UNameItChallenge (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • RT: Titus sees Enzo's cock, Enzo tells him "no pictures." They're just ribbing the fuck out of Titus at this point. (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • "I'll tell you whose fault it is…"
    "Roman Reigns!" (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • Jericho wearing Sin Cara's mask [and a Nakamura hoodie] (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • "Pretty big night. The three most important men in your life under one roof."
    "Well, Will Shortz isn't here…"
    "Ah. Burn on Holt…probably." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E07)
  • "These knives are a part of me, like that, uhh, scissorhand guy. What is his name again? Is it Rick Snip?" (New Girl, S06E07)
  • Crazyhead Season Grade: C
  • "I grabbed a little guac to help me cool off while Antonio continued to put it in the mitt." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E06)
  • ♫: "Since U Been Gone" (Search Party, S01E03)
  • Damn, Michael Showalter got fat (Search Party, S01E05)


The ending! (Search Party, S01E10)

  • Search Party Season Grade: C+

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek

Wish You Were Beer


Why didn't anyone tell me about this?


Pepe: Have you seen The Purge?
Jon: Yes.
Pepe: I just met with the company that produced it.
Jon: Oh, [redacted].
Pepe: Yes. They want me to write an immigration-related horror film inspired by my life.
Jon: Erm…
Pepe: I need your help brainstorming pitches. As you know, I don't like horror films.
Jon: Right.
Pepe: The last one I saw was… Is The Blair Witch Project horror?
Jon: Yes.

Jon: Remember when you visited that border town in Texas to cover the Central American refugee children crisis, unaware of how difficult it is for an undocumented immigrant to leave a border town in Texas, with border protection agents at airport security and border protection traffic checkpoints set up within a 45-mile radius?
Jon: That, plus late one night, a drunk militiaman harasses you, you two tussle, and you accidentally kill him, triggering a manhunt for you.
Jon: Escape from McAllen.
Jon: Children of Men × Judgment Night, with a little Running Scared mentalness mixed in.

Steven: I want an old-school serial killer film that focuses on gays.
Steven: Like an updated Cruising.
Jon: What does that have to do with immigration?
Jon: Well, undocuqueers…
Jon: A white, Trump-supporting, self-hating gay homophobe murders undocuqueers after having sex with them as the bottom.


Immigration Game is set in an alternate 2016. Germany refuses to receive any more refugees. The only way to obtain a residence permit is to participate in the popular Internet and television show 'Immigration Game.' Whoever participates as a "Runner" in 'Immigration Game' will be abandoned on the outskirts of Berlin and must make their way to the television tower at Alexanderplatz. For prize money every German citizen may chase and eventually kill the refugees entirely unpunished.


Eater's Digest: Philadelphia 4

Previously on Adam Riff™: Eater's Digest: Philadelphia 3


October 2016
beiler's bakery / itv / the sidecar bar and grille / skygarten / royal sushi and izakaya / south philly barbacoa / stock / little baby's ice cream / destination dogs

A low-key birthday jaunt.


Apple Fritter (Beiler's Bakery)
—A warm Beiler's apple fritter should replace the dying Great Barrier Reef as one of the seven natural wonders of the world.


Beef Fat Biscuit (ITV)
scallion honey butter
—Comparable to the stellar biscuits at Momofuku Daishō.


Chicken Liver Stroopwafel (ITV)
plum agrodolce

^ Chicken liver and jam is a tried-and-true combination. I had never had it in stroopwafel form, though.


Adobo Sidecar Wings (The Sidecar Bar and Grille)
ginger-cilantro kalamansi sauce, scallions
—Seemingly every time I visit Philadelphia, Drew's chef friends happen to be cooking stuff that he conceived. This visit: Filipino wings.


Jon: Are there any foods that you dislike?
Drew: Hmm…
[one minute passes]
Drew: Pears.
Jon:


Hidden inside a Queen Village red brick row house, (Royal Sushi and Izakaya) is the darkest [visually] restaurant I have ever been to. Imagine eating Japanese food in the climactic fight of Ang Lee's Hulk.


I wanted to try (Little Baby's Ice Cream)'s Earl Grey Sriracha, Everything Bagel, and Ranch flavours, but the only intriguing flavour available when I stopped by was

Cheese Board Ice Cream (Little Baby's Ice Cream)
melted aged cheddar and chevre cheese ice cream, crushed crackers, toasted pine nuts, local triple berry jam

Anyway, Weckerly's is better.


(Stock) is one of Eater's "essential Philadelphia restaurants," and to my surprise, its proprietor didn't bother to build out a kitchen. Food is cooked on freakin' hot plates.

Vietnamese Iced Coffee (Stock)


Philly has a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb
Philly has a little lamb joint serving barbaco…a

(South Philly Barbacoa), Bon Appétit's sixth best new restaurant in America for 2016, is like Philadelphia's Pizzeria Beddia – wonky hours, limited menu, cash only.


Lamb Barbacoa Taco (South Philly Barbacoa)
Lamb Pancita Taco (South Philly Barbacoa)

^ Consomé (South Philly Barbacoa)
—Made with lamb drippings.


Previously on Adam Riff™:

O.M.G. Burger (LVB Burgers)
duck burger stuffed with muenster cheese, smoked ketchup, heirloom tomato, watercress, roasted duck mayo
—Where I began to wonder if I actually love duck, or if I just love Peking duck. [to be continued in Philadelphia]



Mighty Duck [Anaheim / SNA] (Destination Dogs)
duck sausage, duck confit in hoisin sauce, chicharrones, grilled scallions, sesame seeds
—More duck on duck, and more…nothingness. I fed most of this dog to dogs.


MISSED CONNECTIONS

One Bite in Bangkok [Thailand, BKK] (Destination Dogs)
python sausage, cucumber salad, tomato pepper jelly, crushed peanuts, cilantro
—Python sausage.

The Underdog [Australia, SYD] (Destination Dogs)
kangaroo sausage, frizzled onions, vegemite aioli
—Kangaroo sausage with Vegemite mayo.


Racist food truck?

Tempura Cheese Curds (Double Knot)
yum yum sauce, cilantro

Duck Scrapple Bao Bun (Double Knot)
maple teriyaki, cucumber, chili


Rice Krispy Sushi (Sampan)
vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce, peanut

Chocolate Stout Vinegar Custard (Martha)
almond crumble, malted milk powder

Baba's Pumpkin Pie Kombucha (Martha)

#eatersdigest

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

47. Shawshank Redemption Role Play (The Last Man on Earth, S03E06)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations


Heh. (The Simpsons, S28E07)

  • Chet Haze! (Shameless, S07E07)
  • "I just slipped my dick down your throat and you thanked me for it." (The Walking Dead, S07E04)
  • "Vaya con Dios, motherfuckers." (Westworld, S01E07)
  • "You think I'm scared of death? I've done it a million times, and I'm fucking great at it. How many times have you died?" (Westworld, S01E07)
  • "I read a theory once that the human intellect was like peacock feathers – just an extravagant display intended to attract a mate. All of art, literature, a bit of Mozart, William Shakespeare, Michelangelo, and the Empire State Building – just an elaborate mating ritual. Maybe it doesn't matter that we have accomplished so much for the basest of reasons. But, of course, the peacock can barely fly. It lives in the dirt, pecking insects out of the muck, consoling itself with its great beauty. I have come to think of so much of consciousness as a burden, a weight, and we have spared them that. Anxiety, self-loathing, guilt. The hosts are the ones who are free. Free, here, under my control." (Westworld, S01E07)
  • "Kinda feel like masturbating." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E06)
  • "Homely Lonelys – these are plain women who don't have grandkids." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E06)
  • "You still got errands?!" (Insecure, S01E06)
  • "I can't see shit behind this big ass hat." (Insecure, S01E06)
  • Nia Jax (WWE Raw, 11-14-16)
  • "Chince McMahon." (WWE Raw, 11-14-16)
  • "How drunk is he?"
    "Remember the night they cancelled Bunheads?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E06)
  • "Look at me. So drunk, I'm alliterating, like a beatnik." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E06)
  • Holt's obsession with balloon arches (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E06)
  • "Just so we're clear, when you say you're a 7 breathing down a 6's back, are you referring to Cece? Is she the 6?" (New Girl, S06E06)
  • "I used to crush at the gym, and now I'm just mediocre, like early Beyoncé. Nobody will say it, but you know it's true." (New Girl, S06E06)
  • Joe Manganiello (New Girl, S06E06)
  • "All white people want is a sense of a community." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E05)
  • "Who put you up to this? Your white friends? No more white friends! New rule!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E05)
  • "P to the E to the Eabo Bryson." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E05)
  • Channel Zero Season Grade: C+
  • "Are you sure your dad's not gay?"
    "What? Are you insane? My— That's the most ridiculous thing I think I've ever heard. He watches Top Gear." (Crazyhead, S01E05)
  • "Stroke of midnight, on Halloween, she'll act as a gateway. The legions of Hell will pour into this world."
    "Are they really gonna pour out of her twat like on the poster?"
    "No. That was a screw-up by the designer." (Crazyhead, S01E05)
  • "Yeah, now who's the dickhead with a canoe on his car?" (Crazyhead, S01E05)
  • "It was my sanctuary, to relax."
    "Shut up. It's where you hid your side-chicks."
    "Side-chicks are very relaxing." (Black-ish, S03E07)
  • "Why did I think you liked Furbys?" (Rectify, S04E04)
  • Masturbatory ending (Rectify, S04E04)
  • "Did we get cleared to show Jewish butt?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E05)
  • "I dreamt that I showed Jewish butt." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E05)
  • "Name one family that's just a bunch of cells."
    "Osmosis Jones." (You're the Worst, S03E12)
  • ♫: Martha – "Ice Cream and Sunscreen" (You're the Worst, S03E12)
  • "It looks like it should be screaming at an old lady in an Aphex Twin video." (You're the Worst, S03E13)
  • You're the Worst Season Grade: C+
  • American Horror Story Season Grade: C+

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek

Let's just kiss 'til we're naked

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Sep 2014):

I have never seen it, but Training Day seems like an odd film for marketers to keep referencing.


over a decade of training day references

I like how End of Watch is deemed worthy enough to be referenced, but not so much that it can't just say "from the writer and director of End of Watch."


Antoine Fuqua has since become the director of Training Day and The Equalizer. You know, that cultural touchstone THE EQUALIZER.


The trailer for Allied bills Robert Zemeckis as "director of Forrest Gump, Cast Away, and Flight."

The trailer for The Walk, Zemeckis' previous film, also bills him as "director of Forrest Gump, Cast Away, and Flight."

Forrest Gump and Cast Away I get, but Flight?

Evidently, Denzel is the Trump of cinema.


Q: How do you market a film by someone who hasn't done anything in 16 years?


A: List his oeuvre.

If Warren Beatty can be billed as the filmmaker of Bonnie and Clyde – a 49-YEAR-OLD film – then surely Robert Zemeckis can be billed as the director of Back to the Future.

And haphazardly, their piss is very flammable


Mensch on a Bench as an alternative to Elf on a Shelf – sure.


Mensch on a Bench family? Ehh…

More Jewish plush novelties is not how I would diversify. The market for Jewish plush novelties is just Jews, and only ones who are keen on Jewish plush novelties. You are returning to a decreasingly potable well that is no more than 0.19% of Earth's population.


Why are NyQuil and NyQuil Severe separate products? Why would I buy regular NyQuil if a stronger NyQuil is also available? Is NyQuil like antibiotics? Can I develop a tolerance to NyQuil?



Why is Doritos' branding futuristic? They're tortilla chips.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


46. Iguana vs. Snakes (Planet Earth II, S02E01)


Honourable Mention

  • Maeve tours Delos' headquarters (Westworld, S01E06)
  • Sam's chaotic morning (Better Things, S01E10)
  • Mark and Chris fight (Shark Tank, S08E08)
  • Walking Dead Chappelle's Show (Saturday Night Live, S42E06)
  • Football Party (Saturday Night Live, S42E06)

Stray Observations

  • "Vermont is nice…"
    "It's beautiful. The cows love dying there." (Bob's Burgers, S07E04)
  • "I'm gonna make like a tree and fuck you!" (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E06)
  • "There's my powerful vagina." (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E06)
  • Who's the Boss? (The Walking Dead, S07E03)
  • ♫: The Jam – "Town Called Malice" (The Walking Dead, S07E03)
  • ♫: Piano "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead (Westworld, S01E06)
  • ♫: Vitamin String Quartet – "Motion Picture Soundtrack" by Radiohead (Westworld, S01E06)
  • "Is she becoming, like, a fuckin'…hentai thing with you now?" (Westworld, S01E06)
  • "If you're getting fucked either way, go with the lucrative version." (Westworld, S01E06)
  • The Gallagher Home for the Homeless interior looks like Sheila's house (Shameless, S07E06)
  • ♫: Dylan Kelly – "Silver Lining" (Shameless, S07E06)
  • Fire sprinkler shower (The Last Man on Earth, S03E05)
  • "Roscoe's got some talent!" (Insecure, S01E05)
  • ♫: Problem – "D2B [feat. Bad Lucc and The Homegirl]" (Insecure, S01E05)
  • "I always thought it was about a girl named Sicario." (Insecure, S01E05)
  • ♫: St. Beauty – "Borders" (Insecure, S01E05)
  • ♫: Wall of Voodoo – "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash (People of Earth, S01E03)
  • "Seriously? It looks like they're pouring out of her lady hole."
    "I thought that was the obvious place. You think it should be her asshole?" (Crazyhead, S01E04)
  • "Gates of hell equals vagina." (Crazyhead, S01E04)
  • "Feelings have to run both ways. Otherwise, it's just like…masturbating into naan bread."
    "Why naan bread?"
    "Had an Indian takeaway last night. Some leftovers. Seemed a shame to waste it." (Crazyhead, S01E04)
  • "You're all terrible people, with the saddest tan lines I've ever seen coming off any Hawaiian flight." (Speechless, S01E06)
  • "All this talk of celibacy and male friendship. Meanwhile, I'm harbouring the nipple king of Lafayette High." (Speechless, S01E06)
  • "Is it a baby? I won't love it Ray, I'm sorry." (Speechless, S01E06)
  • "Jack took one look at what I did for a living and decided to spend the afternoon with a stranger doing maintenance work on the huh-vac."
    "It's H-vac." (Black-ish, S03E06)


(American Horror Story, S06E09)


(Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)

  • "Oh, I know…" drop (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)
  • "Jon, why do you always say 'I know' to dogs?"
    "I don't know. [dog barks] Right? I know… I don't know… I know… I don't know… I know…" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)
  • "I was ready to unleash my plan and turn this poo frown upside brown." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)
  • "You were great on Girls, by the way." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)


(Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)

  • Furbys (Rectify, S04E03)
  • "Or me, from Family Guy?" (South Park, S20E07)
  • "Miller, Von Miller." (South Park, S20E07)
  • "Ohh, he's pressin' pickle!" (South Park, S20E07)
  • Long unbroken takes (You're the Worst, S03E11)


(Jeopardy!, 11-10-16)

  • ♫: Laurie Anderson – "O Superman" (Better Things, S01E10)
  • Better Things Season Grade: D+
  • "What about undocumented immigrants?"
    "Oh, they're not going nowhere. Come on, man, you act like everybody trying to pick their own strawberries." (Saturday Night Live, S42E06)
  • Inside SNL – heh (Saturday Night Live, S42E06)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

#clipoftheweek

All the spoils of a wasted life

Rory: Why are you doing this?
Jon: It came to me in my sleep last night.
Rory: That Wes Anderson is the white M. Night Shyamalan?

Wide Awake = Bottle Rocket
The Sixth Sense = Rushmore
Unbreakable = The Royal Tenenbaums
Signs = The Life Aquatic
The Village = The Darjeeling Limited
Lady in the Water = Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Happening = Moonrise Kingdom
The Last Airbender = The Grand Budapest Hotel
After Earth = Untitled stop-motion film about dogs

Jon: Hmm… Fantastic Mr. Fox (haven't seen) probably isn't Wes' Lady in the Water (also haven't seen), but The Darjeeling Limited is definitely his Village, and Moonrise Kingdom is definitely his Happening.
Rory: Swap The Royal Tenenbaums and The Life Aquatic.


Rory: Ha. The episode titles for Insecure:

Jon: Hmm…

Bottle Rocket = Guilty as Fuck
Rushmore = Insecure as Fuck
The Royal Tenenbaums = Broken as Fuck
The Life Aquatic = Messy as Fuck
The Darjeeling Limited = Racist as Fuck
Fantastic Mr. Fox = Shady as Fuck? (haven't seen)
Moonrise Kingdom = Thirsty as Fuck
The Grand Budapest Hotel = Real as Fuck