Pints For Prostates

"3 times as many dogs have wine-related names in San Francisco."

I mean… It's like learning that many Alabamians name their dogs after siblings.

100% of the participants in this study are white people.

Heh. I know two Asian Pearls and a Mae.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

41. Hatsune Miku (Late Show with David Letterman, 10-09-14)

Stray Observations

  • "I like tacos! [fart]" (Bob's Burgers, S05E01)
  • "I just want to go home and crawl into bed and have a good long dutch oven cry." (Bob's Burgers, S05E01)
  • "Also, I'm just an uncle so, no biggie." (Bob's Burgers, S05E01)
  • "You embarrassed me in front of Derek Jeter."
    "You embarrassed yourssssself in front of Derek Jeter." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E02)

Young Nucky's teeth (Boardwalk Empire, S05E05)

  • "I, for one, refuse to be ruled by fear."
    "Coming dear." (Boardwalk Empire, S05E05)
  • RT: "The Strain put a LOT of effort into disguising Massey Hall as some joint in Tribeca" (The Strain, S01E13)
  • The Strain Season Grade: C+
  • "The Balloonman gon' get ya." (Gotham, S01E03)

Meanwhile, at Wayne Manor… (Gotham, S01E03)

  • The Driver Season Grade: C-
  • "He called a scotch on the rocks a 'sco-ro.'" (New Girl, S04E04)
  • "It looks like a little tiny pigeon's egg."
    "Don't you wanna hatch the bird?" (New Girl, S04E04)
  • "I hate when Schmidt cries. He sounds like a ghost singing 'Hey Ya.'" (New Girl, S04E04)
  • Matador Season Grade: C+
  • "If laughter's the best medicine, then you're grape-flavoured Triaminic." (Modern Family, S06E03)
  • "The nod is on the same primal level as a baby waving 'hi' – as a man scrunching up his face when a woman with a big butt walks by."
    "This is basic stuff."
    "Even the butt thing?"
    "Especially the butt thing. Basic black." (Black-ish, S01E03)
  • Will continuity continue all season? (South Park, S18E03)
  • "Salami vise." (The League, S06E06)
  • "It's Lucky Strike. It's good for you." (American Horror Story, S04E01)
  • Lobster hand shocker (American Horror Story, S04E01)

Meep the Geek (American Horror Story, S04E01)

  • "I once carried out my own personal form of stigmata on an Italian. I pushed his face up against a trench, shoved a six-inch nail up his fuckin' nose, and I hammered it home with a duckboard. It was fuckin' biblical, mate." (Peaky Blinders, S02E02)
  • "I'm standing my ground!" (Black Jesus, S01E10)
  • Black Jesus Season Grade: C

(The Amazing Race, S25E03)

  • Sons of GameStop (Shark Tank, S06E04)
  • "There's the Emotionals, the Foodies, the Hasidics, and Gryffindor." (Saturday Night Live, S40E03)
  • "Dan Cortese." (Saturday Night Live, S40E03)
  • "Here's a joke: GOD." (Saturday Night Live, S40E03)


Fire Walk With Me

Previously on Adam Riff™ (2005):

My mother asked a professional fortune teller to assess my future.

You're best-suited to live in the northwest. Seattle, Oregon, Vancouver. A move to Seattle or anywhere in the northwest would be most beneficial to your future.


I know fortune telling is bullshit, but…

[off the 'riffstagram]

Portland has more 24-hour Subway restaurants than any other city I have visited.

I trekked out to a bakery in northeast Portland, and it had closed early so that the staff could go apple picking, because of course.

Ryan: hey, does your hotel have a business center with a printer?
Jon: uhhh
Jon: no
Jon: but it does have complimentary bicycles

If only a Valencia Street ran through Brooklyn in Portland.

Justin Timberlake or a Christian comic book

// U District

// Capitol Hill

A: My brother instituted amber lighting at night. It supposedly helps with circadian rhythm. Thing is, he doesn't, like, dim the lights in his house. No, he and his family all don amber glasses. Even his infant wears a pair.

Use amber-lensed goggles once the sun has gone down. These blue-blocking lenses are highly effective in reducing the effects of blue light exposure, and in most cases completely eliminate the short-wavelength radiation necessary for nocturnal melatonin suppression. These goggles have been shown to improve sleep quality as well as mood, simply by blocking blue light and simulating physiologic darkness. [source]

Evidently, amber glasses are a thing.

// Bellevue

Elizabeth and I are descending on an escalator after seeing Gone Girl.

Elizabeth: That film traumatized me.

The woman in front of us gives Elizabeth a knowing look.

Elizabeth: Did you see it too?
Woman: [nods] Left Behind?

// Belltown

Jon: What even is this place?
Elizabeth: It's like the Hollywood of Seattle.

// Capitol Hill

Tony: Keys for you.
Jon: [studies key fob]
Tony: It's a pussy pendant. Jane made it.
Jon: She talked about making these the last time I was in Seattle, but I didn't expect her to go through with it.


// West Seattle

Jon: Okay, so…

Belltown = Hollywood
Capitol Hill = West Hollywood
Aurora = North Hollywood
West Seattle = Santa Monica
Fremont = Venice
Ballard = Culver City
Bellevue = Beverly Hills
Mercer Island = Bel Air
U District = Westwood
Green Lake = Echo Park
Greenwood = Silver Lake
Queen Anne = West Adams
Pioneer Square = Downtown Los Angeles, Olvera Street
SoDo = Downtown Los Angeles, San Julian Street
Bremerton = Riverside
Everett = Long Beach
Newcastle = Ladera Heights

Elizabeth: And Renton is Compton.

// Bitter Lake

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

40. Don Hertzfeldt's Couch Gag (The Simpsons, S26E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Caught masturbating (Black-ish, S01E02)
  • Munchie T (Black Jesus, S01E09)

Stray Observations

  • "We gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly on his own. We let that other guy try and look what happened." (Family Guy, S13E01)
  • "I kidnapped all your enemies – Nelson, Jimbo, Principal Skinner, Sideshow Bob, Apu. I know Apu's not your enemy, but I just wanted to say 'I took Apu.'" (Family Guy, S13E01)
  • "We're gonna make it!"
    "Trust me, we're not." (Family Guy, S13E01)
  • "We've had all the fights we're going to have." (Boardwalk Empire, S05E04)
  • Hacking the emergency broadcast system with a G-Drive (The Strain, S01E12)
  • Perfect Bacon Bowl ad (The Strain, S01E12)
  • Masters of Sex Season Grade: C+

(WWE Raw, 09-29-14)

  • Bruce Wayne listening to Swedish metal (Gotham, S01E02)
  • Bruce Wayne cutting himself (Gotham, S01E02)
  • "Are you part of the wedding industry?" (Sleepy Hollow, S02E02)
  • "Do you know what happens when you break a lion's heart?"
    "Did it go to live with a warthog and a meerkat?" (Bad Education, S03E03)
  • "Just doing E, watching that show Ed." (New Girl, S04E03)

Dina's nerd goblin (Face Off, S07E11)

  • Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson – this episode is a New Radicals song (Sons of Anarchy, S07E04)
  • "Althea? Guess your folks were hoping for a black baby." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E04)
  • "Tiggy, you and me, back door."
    "Giggity." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E04)
  • Tig and Boyd Crowder kiss – there is no box (Sons of Anarchy, S07E04)

(The Bridge, S02E13)


Bionic Hellfire

Blood Brothers tour dates…

October 4, 2014: Modern Sky Festival – NYC.

Modern Sky Festival? Never heard of it.

What's with all the Chinese acts?

Modern Sky Festival is an outdoor rock music festival in Beijing, China.

In August 2014, Modern Sky announced its first festival in the United States, to be held in Central Park's Rumsey Playfield October 4–5.

The Blood Brothers, in Central Park, sandwiched between sets by two Chinese acts, leading into Jamie Lidell and Dead Prez celebrating the music of Nigerian synth-funk pioneer William Onyeabor.

Smoke the holy chalice, got my own religion

During a nap today, I dreamt about catching WWE superstar Daniel Bryan, buck naked and corpse pale, with a crew cut and three kitchen knives stuck in the right side of his face, passing through a commercial kitchen on his way to confront Triple H and Stephanie McMahon on stage at a performing arts centre.

I recently began logging my dreams, or what I can remember happened in them.

Previously in Jon's dreams:

I am trapped in a time loop, and a cloaked figure busts down the door of my hotel room and shoots me in the sole of my left foot with an arrow, which tunnels through skate shoe, flesh, and bone to create a glory hole.

I am at a school for invisible people, dabbing paint on my head so that it can be seen. I then pick up Chinese take-out from celebrity chef Susur Lee.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

39. Bono's daughter's night with Clive Owen (The Knick, S01E07)

Magnificent — Soderbergh firing on all cylinders.

Honourable Mention

  • The tunnel (The Strain, S01E11)
  • That sound and that gesture (The League, S06E04)
  • Army running cadence (Key and Peele, S04E01)
  • Marvel can't fail (Saturday Night Live, S40E01)

Stray Observations

  • "CBS doesn't like dildos." (Masters of Sex, S02E11)
  • Mrs. Martinez is unbearable (The Strain, S01E11)
  • "Now I know another way to kill them."
    "Next outing, you carry the power transformer." (The Strain, S01E11)
  • Cracked iPhone screen – womp womp (The Strain, S01E11)
  • The Master's make-up – woof (The Strain, S01E11)

(Mr. Pickles, S01E01)

  • "He no rape me. But if you don't rape me, I tell them you rape me!" (Mr. Pickles, S01E01)
  • "That pill head looney bird." (Gotham, S01E01)
  • Timothy Busfield as Benjamin Franklin (Sleepy Hollow, S02E01)
  • "If pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine-year-old Chinese girl." (New Girl, S04E02)
  • "We have more work to do than the Kings of Leon. Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically." (New Girl, S04E02)
  • Wizard Wars Season Grade: C+
  • Field hockey? How does his son not play lacrosse? (Black-ish, S01E01)
  • Nathan Fielder and Seth Rogen, together again (The League, S06E04)
  • Holy short-haired, clean-shaven Jason Mantzoukas! (The League, S06E04)
  • Look at these fucking guest stars: Nathan Fielder, June Diane Raphael, Jorma Taccone, David Krumholtz, Steve Little, Jerry Minor, Andrew Daly, Lizzy Caplan… (The League, S06E04)

Jerry Jones (South Park, S18E01)

  • "The world can only bear so much before sunderance." (The Bridge, S02E12)
  • "I need to go to the ATM first." (The Bridge, S02E12)
  • Aaaand Linder goes out like a chump (The Bridge, S02E12)
  • "Peter Atencio." (Key and Peele, S04E01)
  • "Belly full of toes." (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S01E02)

(The Knick, S01E07)

  • Ambushing viewers with an arm amputation (The Knick, S01E07)
  • Darrell Hammond as announcer will take some getting used to (Saturday Night Live, S40E01)
  • Pete Davidson is the first SNL cast member born in the 1990s (Saturday Night Live, S40E01)
  • "Devin Peters, Stanford." (Saturday Night Live, S40E01)


Faces of the civil wars and holograms holding .44s

John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats fame wrote a novel, Wolf in White Van.

When you search for it on Google Play, the second result is what appears to be a romance novel titled Vegetarian Mate.

[Erotic Paranormal Menage a Quatre Romance, M/F/M/M, werewolves, HEA]

Rochelle Murphy is looking for adventure and takes to the road. In desperate need of a bathroom, she stops at a large estate and asks to use the facilities. After an unconventional and humorous meeting, Jarrod, Malcolm, and Braxton Friess know that the feisty, klutzy Rochelle is their mate—and a vegetarian.

"This klutzy vegetarian is The One."

Time and again Rochelle injures herself, and whilst she is recuperating, the three Friess brothers try to woo her into their hearts as well as their beds. Finally Rochelle accepts the three brothers, but they have unintentionally left out a significant fact, which sends Rochelle looking for some time out.

Note: There is no sexual relationship or touching for titillation between or among siblings.

No incest. Just good clean wholesome fraternal lycanthropic polyamory.

I'm at a Wetzel's Pretzels, and a sign on its cash register notes that this Wetzel's Pretzels no longer accepts $50 and $100 bills because "too many counterfeits."

Who are these people buying pretzels with counterfeit $50 and $100 bills? And are they just paying with $50 and $100 bills, or are they buying, like, $85 worth of pretzels?

Carve it all up, you'll find nothing

And the best television show title of 2014 is…

Scrotal Recall !

Folk-rock singer Johnny Flynn plays Dylan Witter, a man diagnosed with chlamydia who must contact a different former sexual partner in each episode to inform them of the possible souvenir of him that they possess.

Lost in the all the talk about True Detective season two is that Tom Hardy is playing an adversary of Cillian Murphy's gangster boss in series two of Peaky Blinders. Bane vs. Scarecrow in 1920s England!

Only Jews and Pussies

I have never seen it, but Training Day seems like an odd film for marketers to keep referencing.

over a decade of training day references

I like how End of Watch is deemed worthy enough to be referenced, but not so much that it can't just say "from the writer and director of End of Watch."

"Bang Bang! is an upcoming Bollywood adaptation of Knight and Day produced by Fox Star Studios."

Knight and Day? That's an odd choice for a film to adapt.

[googles "fox star studios productions"]

"Mr. X is an upcoming Bollywood adaptation of Hollow Man."


[googles "bollywood adaptation training day"]

"Shagird is a Bollywood film loosely inspired by Training Day."

So ostensible American cultural classic Training Day doesn't merit a full Bollywood adaptation, but Knight and Day and Hollow Man do?

The director of Shagird should pen a loose adaptation of End of Watch.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

38. Fausto makes a hostage video (The Bridge, S02E11)

Stray Observations

  • "WHY MUST IT ALWAYS BE PANDEMONIUM?!" (Boardwalk Empire, S05E02)
  • MasterChef Season Grade: C
  • "Mein Kampf was the name of John Barrowman's autobiography…?" (Bad Education, S03E01)
  • "Do guys still like an Oakland face with an L.A. booty?" (New Girl, S04E01)
  • "Looks like Jeffrey and Lauren want us to share in their joy. How 'bout they share in my chocolate pocket?"
    "What does that mean?!"
    "In my butt!" (New Girl, S04E01)

Drew's serpent soldier make-up (Face Off, S07E09)

  • RT: "Ah yes. Terrible music during a chase scene. A proud SOA tradition." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E02)
  • "I am done playing by nigger rules!" (Sons of Anarchy, S07E02)
  • "I'm only reading it to attract a Mormon. I heard their lungs are perfect for transplants." (Red Band Society, S01E01)
  • "Luck isn't getting what you want; it's surviving what you don't want." (Red Band Society, S01E01)
  • "I will hasten him off this planet." (The Bridge, S02E11)
  • "Yeast Mode." (The League, S06E03)
  • "Children-friendly Watts." (Black Jesus, S01E07)

(Black Jesus, S01E07)


[sigh] Alright. Here we go…

This Is Scotland


Jon: Hey, what's the passcode for the men's washroom?
Cashier: 1-2-3-4-5.
Jon: 1-2-3-4-5? That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage!
Jon: Spaceballs? No…?

Tumblelog Idea: Chipotle Stories. I have a few. Surely others do too.

I saw a dude at Chipotle order a burrito to go, throw some napkins and a whole bottle of hot sauce in his bag, and walk out.

Next in line for [Taco Bell's] Freeze line of drinks is the Strawberry Starburst Freeze. [source]

How will it compare to Jamba Juice's "secret" Pink Star[burst] smoothie?


The dude sitting beside me at the bar orders a grilled chicken sandwich and chicken pot stickers.

His sandwich arrives, followed shortly by his pot stickers.

"Oof. It's all arriving at once!" he remarks to the server. "Can you bring the pot stickers back in, like, 10 minutes?"

10 minutes later, the server returns with his pot stickers, not re-heated or anything.

Smoking and drinking on a Tuesday night

JC's Mom
Parody of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne

How was I unaware of the Christian parody band ApologetiX until today?

Child King
Parody of "Wild Thing" by Tone Lōc

The Real Sin Savior
Parody of "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem

Parody of "Cowboy" by Kid Rock

19 albums worth of Christian song parodies!

On May 29, 2009, Lōc was rushed to a Florida hospital after collapsing during a concert.

On October 15, 2011, Lōc was hospitalized after collapsing on stage during a concert in Atlanta.

On March 16, 2013, Lōc collapsed on stage at a performance in Des Moines.

On December 6, 2013, Lōc collapsed on stage during a performance in San Francisco.

That Medina's a monster, y'all.

Jingle Bell Rocks! is a personal trip through the alternative Christmas music universe.

Idea: Chopped, but with DJs. Each round, contestants must incorporate four mystery songs into a mix.

Downtown Sasquatch

My celeb sightings in Toronto this year:

Caleb Landry Jones
Chris Rock
Rosario Dawson
Cedric the Entertainer
Jay Pharoah
J.B. Smoove
Leslie Jones
Michael Che
Kevin Smith
Miles Teller
J.K. Simmons
Nick Kroll
Rose Byrne
Bobby Cannavale
Joel McHale
Brit Marling
Hailee Steinfeld
Benedict Cumberbatch
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Channing Tatum
Steve Carell
Mark Ruffalo
Xavier Dolan
Justin Chon
Josh Hutcherson
Jemaine Clement
Dan Stevens

Toronto streetcars are what I imagine public transportation in hell is like.

The urban planner in me wonders why streetcars run down the centre of streets. Driving in Toronto must be maddening, as people boarding streetcars block all traffic in the same direction. It's stop-and-go traffic with stoplights too.

The Toronto subway line that runs along Bloor Street is also known as line 2.

Bloor – "Line 2," heh.

Tweets I didn't tweet while in Toronto:

» I found all the septum piercings in the world. They're in Toronto.

» Today I separately encountered two blokes smoking cigarettes in workout clothes.

» Nothing makes you feel like a shit American than having to swipe your credit card and sign a receipt.

» April Fools' Idea: A software update that causes smartphones to auto-correct Canadian English to American English. cheque > check

» Idea: A crowdsourced database of hotel and coffee shop WiFi passwords.

In my search for Nanaimo bars in Toronto, Yelp directed me to Snakes and Lattes.

Oh I've seen that place. It's across the street from La Carnita.

I trek out to College and Bathurst and discover that I had seen Snakes and Lagers, the spin-off. Snakes and Lattes is at Bloor and Bathurst.

Next: Shakes and Ladders at Dundas and Bathurst? Board game creamery…

Snakes and Latkes (board game deli)
Snakes and Lettuce (board game salad bar)
Snakes and Lardons (board games and bacon)

off the 'riffstagram

The city is my church

It was funny about magic, how messy and imperfect it was. When people said something worked like magic they meant that it cost nothing and did exactly what you wanted it to. But there were lots of things magic couldn't do. It couldn't raise the dead. It couldn't make you happy. It couldn't make you good-looking. And even with the things it could do, it didn't always do them right. And it always, always cost something. [208]

I just finished reading The Magician's Land by Lev Grossman, the Return of the Jedi of his Magicians trilogy.

At the top end you had some fairies squeeing at supersonic pitches; fairies thought all this military stuff was pretty silly, but they went along with it for the same reason that fairies ever did anything, namely, for the lulz. [40]

Drinks were a lot like books, really; it didn't matter where you were, the contents of a vodka tonic were always more or less the same, and you could count on them to take you away to somewhere better or at least make your present arrangements seem more manageable. [60]

In my later life I have known alcoholics, more than a few, and I recognized in their faces some of what I saw in Martin's. Loyal prophets of an indifferent god. [178]

Looks like she was planning to ride this bomb down like Slim Pickens. [267]

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

37. Sharpie Card Trick (Wizard Wars, S01E04)


Honourable Mention

  • The anguish of Rosarita (Matador, S01E09)
  • Wheelchair drag (Sons of Anarchy, S07E01)

Stray Observations

  • The host is Bizarro cartoonist Dan Piraro?! (Utopia, S01E01)
  • String instrument Metallica! (The Leftovers, S01E10)
  • The Leftovers Season Grade: B-
  • Sex in a Beastie Boys shirt (The Strain, S01E09)
  • RT: "Juice ducked off in the cut eating tuna out the can and doing naked pushups in the dark. Crazy as cat shit." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E01)
  • David Wallace! (The Bridge, S02E10)

(Top Chef Duels, S01E06)


Next year, I'm just gonna live in Toronto for the month of September – and Philadelphia for the month of August. And Seattle for July…