Outtakes from Pete Holmes' "Street Fighter Red Tape: Vega" with Thomas Middleditch
12. Infinite television from infinite universes (Rick and Morty, S01E08)
- Evolution of the eye (Cosmos, S01E02)
- Raylan vs. Danny Crowe (Justified, S05E10)
- Morninghead pitch (Shark Tank, S05E21)
- Lobotomy (Hannibal, S02E04)
"Does it really mean that much to you?"
"Yes! Look at my face!"
"Ahhh! One luftballoon!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
- "It's like the end of The Shining in here." (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
- "The hand wants what the hand wants." (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
- "Don't stop. I can still cum if you're crying." (Shameless, S04E09)
"Tell your boss you're going home sick tonight."
"Yeah, whatever. Tell him you got AIDS." (Shameless, S04E09)
- "BJ break isn't for another 45 minutes." (Shameless, S04E09)
- How can Fiona afford an iPhone? (Shameless, S04E09)
"I got a girlfriend."
"Maybe I should do yours like you did mine."
"Okay, but only in the ass, alright? She saving herself." (Shameless, S04E09)
- Chocolate pudding, spray cheese, peach Schnapps, pig feet, pecans, __________ (The Walking Dead, S04E14)
CM PunkPhil Brooks crying (Talking Dead, 03-16-14)
- "I hate watching television because all the old women are shells, and it just hurts to be a shell." (Girls, S03E11)
- The best the creator of NewsRadio can do is write for this show? (Girls, S03E11)
- Nanaimo bar perogies (MasterChef Canada, S01E09)
What the fuck kind of Chinese food is that? (Top Chef Canada, S04E02)
(WWE Raw, 03-17-14)
- "Come on, Cyril. Pick one. Either have a stroke or spit it out." (Archer, S05E08)
- "There's always a reason to make out." (Bates Motel, S02E03)
- "Moynihan and piece of toast hate each other." (Rick and Morty, S01E08)
- "Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV." (Rick and Morty, S01E08)
- Wilmer Valderrama: Mexican Vampire (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
"Souls are like popsicles. Some are sweet, some are bitter, some are strong, some are weak. What flavour are you, Kyle?"
"Cherry lime." (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
- Wilmer Valderrama: Shapeshifting Mexican Vampire (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
"The toilet paper is triple-ply."
"Turns anyone's bottom into a VIP." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E21)
- "Terry believes in having a clear topic sentence." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E21)
- "AID tickles." (Workaholics, S04E09)
"Let's eat later tomorrow."
"We ate dinner early tonight. You don't want to say grace as much when you're hungry."
"Would you stop being so reasonable?" (The Americans, S02E04)
"You know where he was for most of my birthdays? A little place that rhymes with 'not there.'"
"Times Square?" (Community, S05E10)
- "I am ranking topics of conversation for our next phone call. What do you think should be higher priority: Infinity scarves, or whether or not it's worth it for me to get Showtime?" (Parks and Recreation, S06E17)
- "There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins." (Parks and Recreation, S06E17)
- "A bass is a gateway instrument." (Portlandia, S04E04)
- "Creamed horse meat. It's horse meat in horse yogurt." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E04)
- Human apiary (Hannibal, S02E04)
- Eyeless and alive (Hannibal, S02E04)
- Beverly is dead. She was supposed to die in the first season (Hannibal, S02E04)
Previously on Adam Riff™: I am elated that a weekly magic television programme exists (Troy).
All of Troy's magic tricks involving iPhones
Steven: until someone can fly, david copperfield is the best magician
Steven: nobody has touched that one
Jon: oh, definitely. david copperfield flying is the best illusion i've seen in my lifetime. it's so amazing that he stopped making television specials soon after
Jon: damn, the special in which he flies is 22 years old
Jon: idea: "magic of david copperfield" television specials, ranked
Steven: "flying" is his wrestlemania x-seven
UPS nailed the casting for its latest commercial.
Sometime around the third day of SXSW Interactive, I started forgetting exactly why I'd come. The Austin-based event I'd signed up for had been advertised as a tech conference, but when I arrived, I found it was just an all-purpose capitalist carnival.
Pennzoil and Oreo were there, as was Kleenex, which had rented a house-sized exhibit to show off its Cottonelle toilet paper to the estimated 30,000 techies in attendance.
It's like a convention you would see on The Simpsons. Conan should send Triumph next year.
I saw this ad in a local alt-weekly:
Then I saw this on MediMarts' website:
A Memorial Day-themed cannabis cupcake is a thing that exists. Never forget temporarily.
11. Racism (Review, S01E02)
- Occupy Raw (WWE Raw, 03-10-14)
- "Reason not the need" (Justified, S05E09)
- 'Rise from the grave' trick (Troy, S01E05)
- The Celery Incident (Portlandia, S04E03)
- "Small bits of pork throughout the day is what they say." (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)
"I'm gonna take a nap under a warm tortilla and then eat my way out when I wake up."
"I've heard of a power nap, but a flour nap?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)
- "Fart School for the Gifted." (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)
Tina's running form (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)
Hidden in plain sight (True Detective, S01E03)
- "L'chaim, fat ass." (True Detective, S01E08)
- True Detective Season Grade: B-
- Chocolate pudding, spray cheese, peach Schnapps, pig feet, __________ (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
- Music: Beth covers "Be Good" by Waxahatchee, which was originally supposed to be a Neutral Milk Hotel song (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
- Why didn't Daryl look through the blinds before opening the door? (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
- "Your God is too small." (Cosmos, S01E01)
- Debbie's virginity countdown (Shameless, S04E08)
- Golden Girls ending = perfect (Looking, S01E08)
- Looking Season Grade: B+
- "Norman, do you want to do a musical?" (Bates Motel, S02E02)
- Music: "The Strangest Thing" by The Amazing (Bates Motel, S02E02)
Brogue kick through a bass drum (WWE Raw, 03-10-14)
- "Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener?" (Rick and Morty, S01E07)
"It appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?"
"[gasps] Ticketmaster…" (Rick and Morty, S01E07)
- Troy Season Grade: B-
- The Taste UK Season Grade: C
- Niko's extracted fetus (Face Off, S06E09)
- "I'm not taking advice from you. You pronounce the 'G' in 'lasagna.'" (New Girl, S03E19)
"Nick could be your lawyer."
"This Nick? Vivica A. Dropout?" (New Girl, S03E19)
"Go back inside!"
"Are you talking to us or the fart?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
"Do they even have pizza in Canada?"
"Yes. It's puffier, and it's sweet. It's called 'Manitoba sauce cake.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
"Did I just plan the worst wedding in history?"
"Second worst. Red Wedding." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
- "Maruk. He's the starting center for the Capitals, the largely untalented hockey club that plays here in Washington." (The Americans, S02E03)
- Music: "Here Comes the Flood" by Peter Gabriel (The Americans, S02E03)
- "Why you do that, Scott Pilgrim?!" (Workaholics, S04E08)
- Adam's corn dog hoodie (Workaholics, S04E08)
- "I broke a bone, but I grew a boner." (Workaholics, S04E08)
- "Come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz." (Parks and Recreation, S06E16)
- "I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca." (Parks and Recreation, S06E16)
- RT: The King of France just fucked a lady out a window and she died (Reign, S01E14)
- What a final challenge: Calculatrivia, 15 puzzle, cryptogram, sudoku, logic puzzle, spacial problem solving, word search scramble, and Pac-Man – all in 20 minutes? (King of the Nerds, S02E08)
- Both winners have been women (King of the Nerds, S02E08)
- King of the Nerds Season Grade: B
- "Most umps are hunks." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E03)
- Bray Wyatt Carcosa reference (WWE SmackDown, 03-14-14)
- "This killer wrote you a poem. Are you going to let his love go to waste?" (Hannibal, S02E03)
- Strike Back billboard (Banshee, S02E10)
- Was tollboothing Emmett and his wife really necessary? (Banshee, S02E10)
- Banshee Season Grade: C+
Late to the Party
- Hilarious clip: Language Barrier (Getting On, S01E01)
- Daniel Stern is unrecognizable nowadays (Getting On, S01E05)
- "I have an anal fissure, so we're dating." (Getting On, S01E06)
- Getting On Season Grade: B
One month ago…
root down / curtis park delicatessen / acorn / denver biscuit co. / voodoo doughnut / good chemistry / table 6 / sassafras / mcdevitt taco supply / snooze / the sink / bru / larkburger / glacier homemade ice cream / the kitchen / snarf's / pinche taqueria / uncle / martine's muffins / biker jim's gourmet dogs / sweet action ice cream / euclid hall
denver / boulder
☆ Beef Sandwich (Curtis Park Delicatessen)
ciabatta, pastrami, horseradish havarti, house made aioli, house made mustard, arugula
Lamb "Shawarma" (Acorn)
shishito peppers, feta cheese, chickpea panisse, tzatziki sauce, harissa
[reading menu] Why is shawarma in quotation marks? A: Because it's shawarma with bunch of whole roasted Japanese peppers mixed in. The peppers did not mesh at all.
☆ Oak Grilled Short Ribs (Acorn)
roasted baby carrots, cheddar polenta, ancho chili
Unassumingly sublime beef. You can't cook short ribs much better.
"Would you like it with bacon?"
Biscuit Cinnamon Roll (Denver Biscuit Co.)
A generous hybrid with a pleasing puff pastry-esque exterior.
☆ Strawberry Rhubarb Jam (Denver Biscuit Co.)
Damn good jam.
Neapolitan Doughnut (Voodoo Doughnut)
chocolate cake doughnut with vanilla frosting, strawberry dust and three marshmallows
Devils Punchbowl Doughnut (Voodoo Doughnut)
raised yeast doughnut with vanilla frosting, fruit punch powder and sprinkles
Ehh. Don't believe the hype.
Chicken Skin Chicharone Tacos (Table 6)
celery root slaw, bleu, t6 franks
Crunch-a munch-a crunch-a munch-a.
Hawaiian Pizza Wontons (Table 6)
herbed marinara sauce
I dreaded eating these, but the Hawaiian pizza filling was mild, and the marinara dipping sauce overpowered the filling, so they were basically toasted ravioli.
☆ Tots (Table 6)
french onion dip, fried onions
Chicken Cordon Bleu Pot Pie (Table 6)
tasso, broccoli, dijon cream, blitz puff
Taleggio Donuts (Table 6)
"Okay Glass, get directions to original Quiznos."
☆ Cajun Benedict (Sassafras)
gulf shrimp and jumbo lump crab cakes with a louisiana crawfish and tasso "hash" topped with two poached eggs and smoked cayenne hollandaise, served with goat cheese jalapeno grits
A craving for Cajun food led me to a surprisingly busy restaurant hidden in plain suburbia.
Chicken Fried Eggs and Smoked Buffalo Hash (Sassafras)
smoked colorado buffalo hash topped with two battered eggs fried golden, roasted fresno chili hollandaise, served with freshly baked cornbread
I couldn't resist ordering this too. Four egg brunch.
Kale Salad Taco (McDevitt Taco Supply)
Green Chilies and Chicken Taco (McDevitt Taco Supply)
Chocopotle Beef Taco (McDevitt Taco Supply)
Can tacos be both interesting and boring?
Berry Blitz Bite (Good Chemistry)
white chocolate, blueberries, cranberries
I wanted to try Mountain Medicine's blueberry pie bar, a High Times Cannabis Cup winner, but it was only available on the medical menu, and I was only allowed to buy stuff on the recreational menu, so I settled for a bon bon. I should've checked its serving size, because, 16 hours later… How am I still high?! Is it safe to go swimming like this?
Pancake Flight (Snooze)
Pineapple Upside Down Pancake
buttermilk pancake with caramelized pineapple chunks, housemade vanilla crème anglaise and cinnamon butter
☆ Caramel Apple Pie Pancake
buttermilk pancake filled with gala apples and topped with caramel sauce, marscapone whipped cream and spiced pie crumb crumble
Molton Chocolate Lava Pancake
chocolatey buttermilk pancake filled with a chocolate custard center and topped with a drizzle of tangerine cream frosting
I still think about these pancakes, the caramel apple pie one in particular.
"Buff" Mac (The Sink)
pasta shells tossed with west flander's beer cheese sauce and crispy fried chicken strips with bleu cheese and scallions
I thought this would be, like, a special University of Colorado mac-n-cheese. Nope. Just a buffalo chicken mac-n-cheese. I may have still been high.
☆ Chocolate Pretzel Bread Pudding (BRU)
roasted pear ice cream, peanut brittle
A worthy mash-up of personal favourites.
Potato Doughnuts (The Kitchen)
☆ spiced hot chocolate
Came for the doughnuts, stayed for the accompanying hot chocolate dipping sauce.
"Okay Glass, get directions to original Chipotle."
☆ Surf and Turf Street Taco (Pinche Taqueria)
lengua and fried shrimp
Pork Belly "Agridulce" Street Taco (Pinche Taqueria)
sweet and sour braised pork belly, candied garlic, cabbage and cilantro slaw, braising jus
In a word, unwieldy.
This restaurant goes by "Tacos, Tequila, Whiskey" because the city of Denver won't allow it to publicly use the word "pinche," which many people translate to "fucking."
Chips and Guac (Uncle)
golden tilefish chips, avocado, wasabi
Chips made of fish, and guacamole with wasabi in it. Would eat again.
Thai Lamb Mazemen (Uncle)
tamarind, peanuts, dried shrimp, soft egg
Very disappointing – a big bowl of sour. All I tasted was sour.
The gay Asian fetishist on Top Chef: New Orleans used to cook at this restaurant.
☆ Chocolate Mint Muffin (Martine's Muffins)
☆ Chocolate Raspberry Muffin (Martine's Muffins)
☆ Espresso and Chocolate Muffin (Martine's Muffins)
Scrumptious muffins that are inconveniently only available from 6:30am-11:00am.
A Thu-Sun 8:00am-3:00pm window thwarted me from trying Latke Love, an eatery that sells latke bowls.
Baleboostah (Latke Love)
four potato latkes, slow braised brisket, guinness gravy, and roasted carrot
Alaskan Reindeer Dog (Biker Jim's Gourmet Dogs)
stilton bleu cheese, bacon red onion marmalade, lemon z and french fried onions
Fried Mac N Cheese (Biker Jim's Gourmet Dogs)
Alas, the Rattlesnake and Pheasant Dog was sold out, and it didn't occur to me at the time that a Jack-a-lope Dog is a blend of jackrabbit and antelope. The description just read "mythically delicious."
Pocky Red Bean Ice Cream (Sweet Action Ice Cream)
My scoop was stingy on Pocky.
Original Del Taco
Original Golden Corral
Pad Thai Pig Ears (Euclid Hall)
tamarind chili sauce, scallion, peanut, egg, sprouts, mint, cilantro
Another uninvitingly sour Thai dish.
Chips and Dip (Euclid Hall)
lemon goat cheese dip, oolong tea smoked duck breast, duck confit, kennebec potato chips, baby dill, extra virgin olive oil
One of the oddest things I have ever eaten. Goat cheese topped with potato chips topped with both hot and cold duck meat.
Shrimp and Grits Fritters (Euclid Hall)
charred pepper aioli, blistered shishitos, trinity salt, parsley
Carnitas Papas Fritas Poutine (Euclid Hall)
tomatillo green chile, cheddar curds and goat cheese, cilantro, chile lime fries
☆ Car Bomb Float (Euclid Hall)
guinness ice cream, bailey's chocolate seltzer, jameson caramel shot
Jon: Why do I have to have a bio on [redacted]'s website?
Boss: Because you're part of our team.
Jon: But I come off as a loser compared to everyone else! I mean… "A student of film in college, Jon views hundreds of films per year and can quickly evaluate and improve content." [pause] If you have to resort to that, then why bother?
Boss: Ryan just drafted something. Re-write it.
An English major, Jon views hundreds of hours of television per year and can spend three hours composing a 94-word blog post.
America's most extreme rare stone hunter chases new finds in the world's deadliest destinations. [source]
In the foothills of Hickory, North Carolina, four rival barter teams leave no stone unturned in order to find the items that will earn them a weekly paycheck. [source]
Freaks and Sikhs
Baseball player opens a sperm bank
Mike: I had an idea for a recurring sketch about guys who in the new weed economies make fake, nonsmokable weed for grow house supply showrooms. They take it as seriously and as stupidly seriously as real weed ppl take weed.
Jon: Display drugs, like plastic Japanese food.
Jon: Or what if they made non-psychoactive drugs, like non-alcoholic beer?
Jon: Store-brand drugs – Aldijuana.
Ultimate Parkour Fail Compilation 2014
10. Tear Away (Hannibal, S02E02)
Holy shit holy shit holy shit!
- Chachi Fight (Girls, S03E09)
- Ameowadeus (Jimmy Kimmel Live, 03-02-14)
- Hip Hop History (Portlandia, S04E02)
- Scott Clam (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)
- Job Gets Caught at Church (Banshee, S02E09)
- Chocolate pudding, spray cheese, peach Schnapps, __________ (The Walking Dead, S04E12)
- Music: The Mountain Goats – "Up the Wolves" (The Walking Dead, S04E12)
- "I want to like it; it just looks like barf." (MasterChef Canada, S01E07)
- "I'm-a plant a red fern for you, jug." (Archer, S05E06)
- "Kriegerands." (Archer, S05E06)
"There's no way a superstar like Kenny Loggins is gonna be registered under his own name."
"Yeah, it's not like he's Messina."
"Don't do that. Don't ever do that!"
"You should be. Jim Messina is a genius. And without him, no Poco." (Archer, S05E06)
"I have a lot of pretty major expenses coming up, and since we haven't been paid…"
"WIC! It's like welfare, but for babies. I don't know, I'm not a Democrat, but I think they give you a birth cheese." (Archer, S05E06)
- "K-Log didn't order room service." (Archer, S05E06)
- "Lip chemo?" (Archer, S05E06)
"So who's beard guy?"
"Are you…? That's Kenny Loggins!"
"[gasps] From Kenny Loggins' Roasters?" (Archer, S05E06)
- The lead frat boy is voiced by Stan Halen (Chozen, S01E06)
- "I'm gonna have the freshest Mexican grill since Chipotle." (Chozen, S01E06)
- Norman's crying (Bates Motel, S02E01)
- Music: HAIM – "The Wire"!!! (Bates Motel, S02E01)
- "Whoa! You're going 42! I saw the speed limit was 35!" (Bates Motel, S02E01)
- "Welcome to the world, ladies! There are axe murderers and whores stuffed under every rug!" (Bates Motel, S02E01)
(WWE Raw, 03-03-14)
- Man drinks River Thames water (Troy, S01E04)
- Spotlight Challenge: Anime Alter Egos (Face Off, S06E08)
"I have a sexy voice. Champagne. Mountain range. Hugs."
"I couldn't think of anything sexy to say."
"What?! Mountain range. It's the sexiest geological feature. No, wait, sorry. Deep sea trench." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
"I love guns. I'm gonna make such a good dad."
"Not even gonna touch that."
"The Amy Santiago story." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
- Andre Braugher saying "kwazy cupcakes" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
- "'Kwazy' is a difficult word to say in anger." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
- "When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&J – penis, brain, jaw." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
- Phillip's 2012 Rust Cohle disguise (The Americans, S02E02)
- "How about you get on your magic carpet, and, and fly with a woman, and have her not close her eyes, 'cause I know the words! You're not special! I know words to a lot of Disney tracks!" (Workaholics, S04E07)
"That's the same exact song he did earlier. It's just a different name."
"Well, he's human after all. Mexican-human, maybe."
"Yeah, taking our jobs."
"No, I'm not saying that!" (Workaholics, S04E07)
- "Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee hole disaster." (Parks and Recreation, S06E15)
- 'Olivia Wilde taking her top off' running joke (Portlandia, S04E02)
- "I'm here in the house of God, name of 'church.'" (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)
- "My next guest is wizard." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)
- "Wizard finger smells like fried chicken." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)
(Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)
- "I am the donation to the foundation." (Inside the NBA, 03-06-14)
- "When it comes to nature vs. nurture, I choose neither. We are built from a DNA blueprint and born into a world of scenario and circumstance we don't control." (Hannibal, S02E02)
- Leg osso buco (Hannibal, S02E02)
- "The traumatized are unpredictable because we know we can survive." (Hannibal, S02E02)
B: Hey, can you drive my dad to the airport?
Jon: You know, just because I don't have set work hours doesn't mean I can be your personal Uber.
INT. LEXUS – AFTERNOON
Jon: So where are you staying?
Uncle: The Palazzo. You want to come with? My room has two beds.
Devil Jon: You've been to Vegas before without anything but the clothes on your back…
Angel Jon: But you need to save money to travel to Canada to see the third Trailer Park Boys movie on opening weekend!
Devil Jon: Orrrr you can pay for that trip by playing craps.
Devil Angel Jon: He has a point…
I was compelled to make this:
Jason Statham Union Jack
I know, I know, but I can't stop laughing.
Mum: Hey, what does your schedule look like in June? You think you'll have time to fly to Taiwan?
Jan: Um… Aren't I already flying to Taiwan in May for Wayne's wedding?
Mum: A second trip to Taiwan. Because B has a job now, your uncle wants you to escort his grandkids to Taiwan for the summer. He'll cover your travel.
Jan: Me with an eight-year-old and a seven-year-old on a 13-hour flight. Will B allow it? I don't think she trusts me with her kids, never mind that I pick them up from school, like, every other day.
Jan: Okay, I'll do it if he'll also cover a detour to Japan on the way back. No, Australia. No, it'll be winter then. Borneo? I can't decide.
Joe: I need you to be in New York City during the last week of March.
[checks calendar] Hmmph. Sweet sixteen and elite eight. But The Raid 2 in limited release!
Trailer Park Boys 3: Don't Legalize It – Greenband Trailer
April 18? [checks flights to Vancouver] $376.
[checks flights to Seattle] $158. But Toby doesn't have a car. Maybe I can convince Chris to drive.
In France, Germany, and Italy – not insignificant film countries – the Oscars were telecast from 2:30am to 6:00am on a Monday. If you live in France, Germany, or Italy and are interested in the Oscars, do you just power through the rest of Oscar Monday every year?
In Vietnam and Thailand, the Oscars were telecast from 8:30am to noon. If you live in Vietnam or Thailand and are interested in the Oscars, do you skip work or school on Oscar Monday every year?
Not pictured: Liza Minnelli
Pepe: Lena Dunham likes the trailer for our film.
Jon: Uhh… Okay…
Jon: Wait, you cold-mailed her?!
Jon: Hi, Lena. You don't know me, and I loathe your show, but what is your gut reaction to this trailer for my documentary film?
Jon: "Speaking of promotion, please let me know how I can help." Oh lord…
Hide your kids, hide your wife. I have Lena Dunham's Gmail address.
9. Ear goes in throat (Hannibal, S02E01)
- Marty vs. Rust Fight Scene (True Detective, S01E06)
- Jack vs. Hannibal Fight Scene (Hannibal, S02E01)
- 12 Years a Slave Auditions (Saturday Night Live, S39E14)
- Chocolate, cheese – what will they find next? A mollusk? A white pepper? (The Walking Dead, S04E11)
- "A man's game charges a man's price." (True Detective, S01E06)
- RT: "You can, in fact, cry like a bitch while wearing a Pantera shirt." (True Detective, S01E06)
- "If you get the opportunity, you should kill yourself." (True Detective, S01E06)
- Anachronistic Father John Misty song (True Detective, S01E06)
"You wearing cologne?"
"No, it's Kenyatta's perfume soap shit."
"You use another dude's soap?"
"It's got pubes on it."
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does. What guy doesn't have pubes on his soap?"
"My soap doesn't have pubes on it."
"Well, obviously, you're not washing your pubes."
"You came all the way down here to talk about my pubes?"
"Just give me a gun."
"You own a bar on the South Side. How the fuck do you not have a gun?" (Shameless, S04E07)
- Mickey is a fan of Spoon (Shameless, S04E07)
- Coked-out stripper Ian is too much (Shameless, S04E07)
- "Are you retarded now? I hope you're sleeping and not in a retarded haze." (Shameless, S04E07)
"This is how much money I make a week?"
"This is a lot more than my rent!" (Girls, S03E08)
- Music: Miguel – "Simplethings" (Girls, S03E08)
"C'mon, we're talking about Texas. Somebody somewhere wants enough cocaine to forget they live there."
"Yeah, but not 100 pounds."
"Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide."
"Wonder if there's a statewide database of towns with sucky high school football teams cross-indexed with towns a black person just moved to." (Archer, S05E05)
"Nobody really knows." (Archer, S05E05)
- "Good night, Blade. Good night, Whistler. Good night, Deacon Frost. Good night, rest of the amazing cast of Blade." (Chozen, S01E05)
- "First, you might want to toss the salad. Then, you could eat my asshole as we both watch The Mentalist." (Chozen, S01E05)
- "Crazy girls are kind of my Hurt Locker." (New Girl, S03E17)
- "It sounds like Joy Behar falling down some stairs." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E18)
- "Oh no… 'Santiago' in B flat. You're disappointed." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E18)
- "Is there a reason you're interrupting me mid-soup?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E18)
"Is there any way to put a reply on TC's blog?"
"God, no. Technology to reply to a post is decades away." (Justified, S05E07)
- RT: "That's a really shitty blog, one-legged blogger. Like, GeoCities bad" (Justified, S05E07)
- The blogger is captured hiding out in his grandma's basement (Justified, S05E07)
"I don't know what it is with this guy, but not matter what I do, I just can't win with him."
"That's the way I am with his son – and Time Warner Cable." (Modern Family, S05E15)
- "I want to be a fuck machine. Like, I'd like to be a Sybian. I dream of that." (Workaholics, S04E06)
- "Jettas equal hot chicks. Watch The League, you fuckin' Andre." (Workaholics, S04E06)
- "He's a brociopath." (Workaholics, S04E06)
RT: "Looks like Paige learned a certain number of things about her parents" (The Americans, S02E01)
(The Americans, S02E01)
- "And now, you're gonna go pull a Dane Cook in one of those three movies he was in about Dane Cook getting laid by accident, only it's not a Dane Cook movie, Jeff, because this time, someone's watching – me, your friend, British Jason Biggs." (Community, S05E07)
- "Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing." (Parks and Recreation, S06E14)
- "Dear Canada, fuck you." (Parks and Recreation, S06E14)
"You put me through two years of hell. Do you know how much Adele I had to listen to? What could you possibly have to say for yourself?"
"…I was in Afghanistan?"
"You can't Afghanistan a relationship."
"You'd be surprised what you can Afghanistan." (Enlisted, S01E06)
- "It's pretty cool you can use these [tampons] for bloody noses. And if I understand the ads correctly, I can swim with it too?" (Enlisted, S01E06)
- Talent to watch: Mort Burke (Enlisted, S01E06)
- RT: "Editing style on 'Banshee' this season is like they heard Soderbergh was doing Cinemax show, watched 'The Limey' and said, 'We can do that!'" (Banshee, S02E08)
"I can't quite place the fish."
"He was a flounder." (Hannibal, S02E01)
House of 'Tards
Kevin Spacey's throwing motion (House of Cards, S02E06)
- Green screen Camden Yards (House of Cards, S02E06)
- Lex Luthor vs. Raymond Tusk (House of Cards, S02E07)
- Frank watching porn with headphones on. Vice presidents – they're just like us! (House of Cards, S02E10)
- Doug: "Will you read to me?" (House of Cards, S02E10)
- OMG WTF ménage à trois (House of Cards, S02E11)
- "Floyd Mayweather visited the White House this morning." (House of Cards, S02E12)
- "You can't dodge and duck like Floyd." (House of Cards, S02E12)
- Hacker McPoyle's taste in music (House of Cards, S02E12)
- Did Morley Safer have a stroke? (House of Cards, S02E13)
Feng chillin' (House of Cards, S02E13)
- Frank Underwood = Triple H (House of Cards, S02E13)
- So in season three, Frank is Charles Logan? (House of Cards, S02E13)
- House of Cards Season Grade: B
INT. HOTEL ROOM – AFTERNOON
"What is the point of this cylindrical pillow?"
"It's called a bolster, and it's for decoration."
"So it exists solely to be placed on a bed before I throw it on the floor to use the bed? What a waste of pillow. You could turn these square bed pillows rectangular with the stuffing in this bolster."
Idea: A bed of Pocky. Like a bed of nails, but with Pocky.
Idea: A Japanese snack spa. Hot mochi massage on a bed of Pocky. Yan Yan bath. Exfoliation by scrubbing with Shrimp Flavored Chips.
Idea: Samoasas – samosas with a Samoa cookie filling. Serve with a Thin Mint chutney.
Previously on @adamriffs:
"it seems so ridiculous" says Benny Hsu, the maker of All Candy Casino Slots – Jewel Craze Connect: Big Blast Mania Land
Ever since Flappy Bird was yanked from app stores by its creator, clones have multiplied.
This week, a Miley Cyrus meets Flappy Bird parody — Flying Cyrus- Wrecking Ball — is No. 1 on the iTunes free app chart.
A parody of the parody — Flappy Miley Wrecking Ball Pro — is No. 9.
Your move, Benny Hsu.
Meanwhile, Splashy Fish is still a strong No. 2, giving app fans their closest replica of the Flappy Bird experience.
"It's a lot more fun," says Splashy Fish fan Austin Ervin of Los Angeles. "There are a lot more colors." [source]
"My favourite musical artist is Bonobo," adds Ervin.
I have only one game on my mobile – Fairway Solitaire. I read about it years ago on Penny Arcade and downloaded the app last year to kill time during train rides. I know I've set at least 10 all-time records.