God, let it be this time I get it right

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I am chuffed to present Backwash, a podcast by Adam Robot and I.

Episode 16:

iTunes link / Google Play Music link

1. Flea's National Anthem / WrestleMania Tweets
2. Marijuana Serving Sizes / License Plate Frames / Draymond Green
3. Star Wars Noobs vs. Prank Conversations / Your vs. You're / Jews vs. Nazis
4. Black and White / Marvel's What If
5. Emo Equivalents / Every FX Original Series

recorded on April 10/17, 2016

Adam Robot: Jesus. This recording is so old I reference Prince and he was ALIVE at the time.
Jon: You are the GRRM of podcast editing.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

20. The Day After (The Americans, S04E09)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • A gay boy whose sexuality is unacknowledged (Bob's Burgers, S06E16)
  • "The true history of the world is the history of great conversations in elegant rooms." (Game of Thrones, S06E03)
  • A fart joke (Game of Thrones, S06E03)
  • "My watch has ended." (Game of Thrones, S06E03)
  • "This meeting cannot make it past the school book depository."
    "I'm loading my gun and heading to the sixth floor." (Veep, S05E03)
  • "This is like that famous scene from the movie Heat. You know, with De Niro and Brenneman." (Veep, S05E03)
  • "Take your romance, and your memories, which are a most kind fiction, and go." (Penny Dreadful, S03E02)
  • "There's only seven types of stories: Man vs. man, man vs. dog, dog vs. zombie, James Bond, stories of kings and lords, women over 50 finding themselves after divorce, aaaand car commercial." (New Girl, S05E21)
  • ♫: Langhorne Slim and the Law – "Changes" (New Girl, S05E21)

(Grandfathered, S01E22)

  • Grandfathered Season Grade: C
  • New Girl Season Grade: C
  • The Grinder Season Grade: C
  • "Oh, and watch out. My sister has herpes." (Empire, S02E17)
  • "A real dog can always tell a fake bitch." (Empire, S02E17)
  • "How do you know I ain't turn him into my little bitch? He came on to me. I ain't come on to him."
    "Exactly. I bet you he's on top." (Empire, S02E17)
  • "The day you die from AIDS, I'm gon' celebrate." (Empire, S02E17)
  • "Does he look fat?"
    "The TV adds 10 pounds. Plus, he broke his diet." (Empire, S02E17)

(Empire, S02E17)

  • "Why would you undo all the good that you've done? Don't Phantom Menace yourself." (Black-ish, S02E23)
  • ♫: Rae Sremmurd – Unlock the Swag (Black-ish, S02E23)
  • Straight-up porn! (The Americans, S04E09)
  • ♫: Yaz – "Winter Kills" (The Americans, S04E09)
  • ♫: Deutschland 83's theme music (The Americans, S04E09)
  • "My bush looks like I'm sitting on Jerry Garcia's face." (Archer, S07E07)
  • "We're taking him to a strip club."
    "Give my regards to all the molestees." (Archer, S07E07)
  • "I suppose this is as attractive as these two are ever going to be."
    "Unless we can find some mole's blood."
    "I have some. Oh, wait, this is vole's blood." (Archer, S07E07)
  • The Amazing Race Season Grade: D-

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The People v. O.J. Simpson
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Thirsty Thursday, I'll drink away my demons

Adam Robot and I recorded a 2016 summer film draft for our podcast, which is now on Google Play Music, and…

Jon: Oof. This is dire radio. We needed more people.
Jon: I'm-a re-purpose it for Adam Riff™.

On May 1, Adam Robot and I each drafted 10 films set for release between May 1 and August 31. Whoever's slate earns the most money domestically by Labour Day wins. I won a pre-draft game of rock-paper-scissors to select Captain America: Civil War first, after which we alternated selections.

Let's check the board:

1. Captain America: Civil War – $206,192,138
2. Finding Dory
3. Suicide Squad
4. Independence Day: Resurgence
5. Star Trek Beyond
6. Jason Bourne
7. Now You See Me 2
8. The Purge: Election Year
9. The Conjuring 2
10. The Secret Life of Pets

Adam Robot
1. The BFG
2. Alice Through the Looking Glass
3. X-Men: Apocalypse
4. Ghostbusters
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
6. Warcraft
7. Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising
8. Pete's Dragon
9. Central Intelligence
10. Ice Age: Collision Course

[rubs hands] Methinks the ref will have to stop this fight.

That Adam Robot selected The BFG with his first pick flabbergasted me. Finding Dory just fell into my lap.

He says everyone he knows is stoked for The BFG. I say James and the Giant Peach, Matilda, and Fantastic Mr. Fox all did not recoup their budgets domestically — fool's Roald.

I'll update after Memorial Day weekend, when Adam Robot's second and third picks go head-to-head.

Tear gas Tuesday, I think I found Jesus

Jon: Does this band know that its name is misspelled?

Rory: It's a stylistic choice?
Jon: To look like idiots? For Google to show results for "The Millennium" instead?

Rory: Maybe The Millennium with two Ns was taken.

Jon: According to Wikipedia, The Millennium with two Ns was a band, that released only one album, in 1968. I'm pretty sure The Millenium with one N could've been The Millennium with two Ns without any confusion.

Rory: Maybe they liked the name "The Millennium," but couldn't trademark it, like why Sci Fi became Syfy.

Live-Thog: Captain America: Civil War

» Who the heck wants to see a film about a drilling rig explosion/oil spill?

» This is unreadable.

» Wow, they filmed in Nigeria? [Update: Nope. It's actually Atlanta.]

» Why did Scarlet Witch direct Crossbones into the building instead of into open air?

» Holy de-aging. Why not Harrison Ford as young Han Solo?

» Community Easter egg.

» How did this black woman know that Tony Stark would exit her way?

» Chadwick Boseman's African accent is…not good.

» I don't buy the blast radius of that news van bomb.

» Dear Beloved Friend,
I am T'Challa son to late King T'Chaka of Wakanda who was murdered during a recent bombing in Vienna in May 2016, before the incident, my late Father came to Cotonou Benin republic with the sum of USD4, 200,000.00 (US$4.2M) which he deposited in a Bank here in Cotonou Benin Republic West Africa for safe keeping.
I am here seeking for an avenue to transfer the fund to you in only you're reliable and trustworthy person to Investment the fund.

» Scarlet Witch tasted the paprikash and then put the spoon back in the pot. Unsanitary!

» Aunt May is Benjamin Button.

» The actor playing Spider-Man reminds me of Anton Yelchin.

» Scarlet Witch's change of heart to leave with Hawkeye…

» I'm still not sure what, exactly, Scarlet Witch's powers are.

» This airport sure evacuated quickly. Absolutely no one stuck around?

"Look, kid, there's a lot going on here that you don't understand."
"Stark said you'd say that."

» Peter Parker is too smart to be blindly following someone. And what are Ant-Man's motivations?

» Where is Nick Fury during all of this?

» Paul Rudd in supermax is an odd sight.

» A Mark Fuhrman reference. It truly is the year of O.J. Simpson.

» Did the bad guy go to all that trouble just to obtain a videotape? Because he could've just sent video of Bucky killing Stark's parents to Stark. The end result would've been the same. Iron Man seeks revenge, Captain America defends his friend.

» Don Cheadle was only available for two days, evidently.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

19. Still Life (NBA on TNT, 05-04-16)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

(Game of Thrones, S06E02)

  • "How do you know this?"
    "That's what I do. I drink and I know things." (Game of Thrones, S06E02)
  • "I feel like Pablo" hoodie (The Carmichael Show, S02E09)
  • "I'm sorry, but she was very mean. She called me 'Triscuit.'"
    "What does that mean?"
    "Brown cracker." (The Carmichael Show, S02E09)
  • "We used to have a million nicknames for this guy. We called him 'Fatty Dicksuckle' and 'B-B-Benny and the Jizz'… 'Buttfucker.'"
    "Buttfucker – that's me." (Veep, S05E02)
  • Kent trying to establish Sue's age (Veep, S05E02)
  • "I'm not that kind of a president." (Veep, S05E02)
  • "He fucked me, and then he fucked me? What is he, trying to fuck me?" (Veep, S05E02)
  • Dr. Frankenstein and Mr. Hyde (Penny Dreadful, S03E01)
  • …and Dracula (Penny Dreadful, S03E01)
  • "It's a little Kardashian." – Richard Blais describing a pasta dish (Cutthroat Kitchen, S12E10)
  • The cannibal's lip-licking/smacking (Mr. Pickles, S02E03)
  • "Now go to N'awlins, you nosy bitch." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E22)
  • "'Hey, you guys, let's help poor people.' I don't remember saying that."
    "Hey, so, you ready to get up there?"
    "Oh, I don't know. I thought these Jimmy-isms would help me crack the eulogy, but… I know I said more profound things. I don't ever remember being this obsessed with side boob." (Grandfathered, S01E21)
  • "You wouldn't make a dime as a French whore."
    "You would make zero dollars."
    "I'd make millions. Millions. Bonjour. Croissant. Millions." (New Girl, S05E20)
  • "He just shows up out of the boo, and then all of a sudden, expects—"
    "Blue. It's blue."
    "Well, thanks, Eistein." (New Girl, S05E20)
  • "If it goes poorly, I'm not putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. Also, nowhere in that rhyme does it say he's an egg."
    "He's most definitely an egg, Nick."
    "So what kind of king uses all those resources to put together one egg?"
    "It's a parable. Humpty Dumpty is the king."
    "Who told you that?" (New Girl, S05E20)
  • "As they say, 'wine is fine, but bourbon is shwourvon.'" (New Girl, S05E20)
  • Lucious sleeps in a do-rag (Empire, S02E16)
  • This episode is titled "The Magic of David Copperfield V: The Statue of Liberty Disappears" (The Americans, S04E08)
  • Flash forward! (The Americans, S04E08)

(Archer, S07E06)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The People v. O.J. Simpson
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Breathe out so I can breathe you in

In Super Mario Bros. 2, you dig paths through sand.

The sand, however, just disappears, when it should be displaced.

Rory: Did you never finish the game? It was all a dream.

Idea: A three-dimensional Mario game in which Mario can enter any character's mind. The worlds in the game are characters' minds. Super Mario Inception. A modest home world is, in fact, a labyrinthine nesting doll of worlds to explore. It's an open world as concentric circles.

If you knock out a character before entering his or her mind, you can explore a dream version of said character's mind. A Magikoopa might trigger a nightmare version of a character's mind while you are exploring it.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

18. Boys in the hoods (United Shades of America, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Fuck everyone who isn't us." (Game of Thrones, S06E01)
  • "Working class people don't get depression. Depression is a luxury of wealth and free time."
    "Depression is a disease of the opulent." (The Carmichael Show, S02E08)
  • "Your braids and aggressive demeanour tell us you've been through a lot of pain." (The Carmichael Show, S02E08)
  • "Hi, and welcome to the White Youth Focus TV show." (United Shades of America, S01E01)
  • "We don't think making Harrison more like West Africa is an improvement." (United Shades of America, S01E01)
  • "Did you guys put the sign up?"
    "Yeah–no." (United Shades of America, S01E01)

(Silicon Valley, S03E01)

  • "I'm a big fan."
    "Oh, really? Of what? Metamucil? Polio? The phonograph? A nice piece of fish? Segregated water fountains? Senior citizen discounts at Perkins family restaurants? Erectile dysfunction because of corroded penile arteries? Deviled eggs as an entrée? [pause] Liking Ike?" (Silicon Valley, S03E01)
  • "With your help, we think we can cut our 'stache lag to just…20-millisecond motion-to-photon?" (Silicon Valley, S03E01)
  • "I don't think we're 'symposium on race' desperate yet…" (Veep, S05E01)
  • "I LBJ'd you, okay? I'm the LBJ queen." (Veep, S05E01)
  • "Catherine, why is that your hair?" (Veep, S05E01)
  • Bar wordplay – white Russian, logger, bloody Mary (Mr. Pickles, S02E02)
  • "I was just making a Pop Tart bagel sandwich. The Pop Tarts were the bread, and the bagel was the meat." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E20)
  • "Yes, Frank, that's my name – seafood." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E20)
  • Jalen Rose (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E20)
  • "Bagel is a meat." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E20)
  • Busta Rhymes with fake dreadlocks (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E20)
  • "Beans are nothing but soggy nuts." (New Girl, S05E17)
  • "Return of high Jess." (New Girl, S05E18)
  • "Stripper ass smells good." (Empire, S02E15)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The People v. O.J. Simpson
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Cena Elementary

The film adaptation of Ratchet and Clank opens on Friday.

Hitman [2]: Agent 47 made $81 million?

Need for Speed made $203 million?!

Resident Evil [5]: Retribution made $240 million. Not sure why the next RE film is "the final chapter."

Q: Rank the following 2016 film adaptations of video games by projected final domestic box office, from largest to smallest: Ratchet and Clank, Angry Birds, Warcraft, Assassin's Creed.

Jon: Hmm…
Jon: I don't know anyone who has played a Ratchet and Clank game, but it's animated.
Jon: Angry Birds seems past its sell-by date, but of the four, I think its name recognition is highest – and it's animated.
Jon: Warcraft feels like a bomb that fans of Warcraft will just torrent.
Jon: Assassin's Creed opens against Rogue One, but there is plenty of Christmastime box office money to go around. I mean, Daddy's Home made $240 million against The Force Awakens.
Jon: I'm gonna say… 1. Angry Birds, 2. Assassin's Creed, 3. Warcraft, 4. Ratchet and Clank.

Drew: 1. Assassin's Creed. Biggest star power and probably the most popular game franchise.
Drew: 2. Warcraft. People will see it just to see it, but I feel like more people know WoW.
Drew: 3. Angry Birds. Pretty irrelevant at this point, but idiot parents will take their horrible children to see it, probably, and it still has more name recognition than…
Drew: 4. Ratchet and Clank. The original came out when I was in college! (a.k.a. a long time ago).

Russell: 1. Angry Birds. Can't deny both adult and child appeal of the franchise. Animation boost. 90-minute runtime triples replay value. Josh Gad prints money.
Russell: 2. Warcraft. Old and new Warcraft fans alike will go regardless of how Avatar it seems to look in both plot/character design. Not sure if people outside of Blizzard fandom will attend. Orcs are not hobbits.
Russell: 3. Assassin's Creed. Fassbender hasn't opened a movie outside of X-Men franchise. Pretty convoluted story even for someone who has played all the games up 'til this last one. Director did that Macbeth adaptation that was good on mood but felt like nine hours while watching. Opens against Rogue One.
Russell: 4. Ratchet and Clank. Sony Animation is hit-or-miss. Not sure it has the same video game appeal of Angry Birds. Fact that I didn't know this was coming out this week says a lot. Can't cook.

Jon: You think Assassin's Creed will be lowest?
Steven: Yeah. Who is the assassin?
Jon: Michael Fassbender.
Steven: Nah, it won't do well.

I will revisit this post next Q1.

A bitter form of refuge

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I am chuffed to present Backwash, a podcast by Adam Robot and I.

Episode 15:

iTunes link

1. The Vegas Episode

Yes, a whole episode on Las Vegas.

recorded on March 6, 2016


I was thinking today…

Not to play into the stereotype fact that Asian people like to gamble, but, when I was young, my favourite zone in Sonic 2 was Casino Night, my favourite character in Ranma ½: Hard Battle was Gambling King, and my favourite X-Man was Gambit.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. Tina singing "Just What I Needed" (Bob's Burgers, S06E14)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • RT: Watch Zeke's eyes drop to Tina's chest the moment he first appears in the episode (Bob's Burgers, S06E14)
  • "No one is gonna think you really hate kissing. Do people think Tony Danza is really the boss?"
    "I do… I mean, he's at least a boss…" (Bob's Burgers, S06E14)
  • Ring finger middle finger (The Last Man on Earth, S02E15)

(WWE Raw, 04-18-16)

  • Better Call Saul Season Grade: B
  • "I should've known Agent Wheelan was dirty. There were signs. He wore a V-neck once."
    "Bob! You did nothing?!"
    "It's my greatest regret." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E23)
  • "Chocolate is the devil's carob."
    "And carob is Satan's raisin." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E23)
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C+
  • "You're the only one I've been with after your father." (Empire, S02E14)

(Empire, S02E14)

(Archer, S07E04)

  • "Ashes to ashes, dust to side-chicks." (Lemonade)
  • RT: Beyoncé saw tree of life (Lemonade)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The People v. O.J. Simpson
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Sometimes it snows in April

Chris Hemsworth?! The most famous brother?!

No pre-nup? Ponzi scheme?

I was gonna Idea a Fox News cruise, but several conservative cruises already exist. For example:

Of course it's a European river cruise through Axis countries. Of course.

Idea: A Ted cruise that stops at Trump… Ahh, forget it.

Del Shannon – "Runaway"

While waiting to pick up the kids at school today, I browsed humour writing assignments pinned to a wall and…


Oh. It's a play on Divergent.

They must swim in a pool of detergent? Continents shaped like detergent?


At age 22, Murphy was offered a job writing for the sitcom Seinfeld which was then little-known. He did not expect the show to be successful and chose to continue with music instead.

Idea: LCD Seinsystem – a novelty Twitter account that pairs stills of Seinfeld with LCD Soundsystem lyrics.

Or a band that plays dance-punk songs about nothing.

Gentleman's Sweep

Idea: Craps and Furious – Fast and Furious-themed craps. Dominic Toretto is all about family, and no table game is more communal than craps.

Fast and Furious 10 will reportedly be the final Fast and Furious film. Make two more Fast and Furious films so that every Fast and Furious film is represented in Fast and Furious craps.

Dom should not appear in Fast and Furious 12, so that craps rolls (2, 3, and 12) are the Fast and Furious films not starring Vin Diesel.

And, as Paul Walker exited in Furious 7, rolling a 7 ends a round.

Idea: The Fast and the Furious: Oculus Drift – a virtual reality experience.

Other Universal IP that lends itself well to VR: Jurassic Park, 50 Shades of Grey, The Purge.

I'll drive my car without the brakes


Did anyone at Mars point out that this is also the mix of, like, 30 other countries?

Idea: Skittles – Colour Blind Mix. Just red and green Skittles.

Idea: Black Skittles. Promote them with a parody of "Black Skinhead."

Four in the mornin', and I'm jonesin'
They say I'm obsessed, share with no one
I eat, like, 300, ebon colon
Gobs of Black Skittles, none are token

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

16. "Let's break into the FBI." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E22)

Like the diner scene in Heat.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

(The Last Man on Earth, S02E14)

  • Lol at that cut to end credits (The Magicians, S01E13)
  • The Magicians Season Grade: D
  • "He appears to be rifling through Clown Boobies magazine." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E22)
  • "Uhh, actually, that, that's my lint. My lint is oblong. My lint is blue." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E22)
  • "I don't get it. Miranda could have had Blair Underwood, but she settles for Steve?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E22)
  • "Oh, Bob…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E22)
  • RT: "The latest The Grinder is so relentlessly meta and brilliant it may have shattered television comedy for generations" (The Grinder, S01E19)
  • "The woman, though. She was great."
    "I love her dry delivery."
    "Yeah, I want to see more of her." (The Grinder, S01E19)
  • "So, I got some feedback from some girls at school, and apparently, half of them don't even know who I am."
    "Well, my friends kept it pretty positive, mostly asking for more of some stuff, but nothing I can't deliver on."
    "Lizzie, you're forgettable. We know that now. So the question becomes 'what are we going to do about it?'" (The Grinder, S01E19)
  • ♫: The Builders and the Butchers – "Golden and Green" (Banshee, S04E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The People v. O.J. Simpson
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets