Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

25. David Bowie followed me on Twitter / Stones do Shakespeare (The Trip [to Spain], S03E03/04)

Honourable Mention

  • Little person ice pick hitman (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • Mark's football analogies (Masterchef, S08E03)
  • Ice cream on the toilet (Fargo, S03E09)

Stray Observations

  • "My first studio apartment was a cozy uterus." (Bob's Burgers, S07E22)
  • Diane! (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • RT: The ice pick hit man in this week's Twin Peaks was staying at the same motel Gloria Burgle was at earlier this season of Fargo (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • ♫: Sharon Van Etten – "Tarifa" (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • "I was a king once."
    "I was. Then they made me a bird. Then Mother Church came along and turned us all into saints, and trolls, and faeries. General Mills did the rest." (American Gods, S01E07)
  • "Oh, I didn't know you had a brother."
    "Bruce was his stillborn twin."
    "He had a huge heart."
    "Missing all its valves, though." (Veep, S06E08)
  • "9-11, bitches! We're gonna fly two planes into the club!" (Veep, S06E08)
  • "Dan, you've heard the old saying, 'You gotta keep your friends close and make your enemies take you out to Guy Fieri's restaurant in Times Square'?" (Veep, S06E08)
  • "He said he talked to Quartie, who said he took to you like a hog to persimmons."
    "Is that a good thing?"
    "Well, they cause diarrhea in hogs." (Veep, S06E08)
  • The Handmaid's Tale Season Grade: C+
  • "The problem is not that there is evil in the world; the problem is that there is good. Because otherwise, who would care?" (Fargo, S03E09)
  • "When she said he makes chorizo like his grandmother, is that what she looked like?"
    "No, Rob. It means the way his grandmother used to make it."
    "Fine, well, I think she should be more clear, because I'm picturing a grizzled old woman with the external appearance of chorizo." (The Trip [to Spain], S03E02)
  • "I was a grown man before I felt a firm sprout in my mouth." (The Trip [to Spain], S03E03)
  • "Eddie Redmayne, the name, is the sort of name that an upper middle class girl would give to her pony. 'Father [it's a chestnut mare], may I ride Eddie Redmayne this weekend?' 'You may, darling. Would you like me to get Mr. Hiddleston out of the stable too?" (The Trip [to Spain], S03E04)
  • The Trip [to Spain] Season Grade: C-

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Carmichael Show


I Don't Like Shit, I Don't Go Outside

Having not seen their list, I offer my own:

Steven: I want The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada and Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance over Oldboy.
Jon: Yeeah… About that…

25. The Tribe (2014)
director: Myroslav Slaboshpytskyi

24. The Machinist (2004)
director: Brad Anderson

23. Quills (2000)
director: Philip Kaufman

22. Shattered Glass (2003)
director: Billy Ray

21. Moebius (2013)
director: Kim Ki-duk

20. Tangerine (2015)
director: Sean Baker

19. Sunshine (2007)
director: Danny Boyle

18. The Dark Knight (2008)
director: Christopher Nolan

17. The Imposter (2012)
director: Bart Layton

16. Four Lions (2010)
director: Chris Morris

15. Primer (2004)
director: Shane Carruth

14. The Believer (2001)
director: Henry Bean

13. Moonlight (2016)
director: Barry Jenkins

12. Michael (2011)
directors: Markus Schleinzer and Kathrin Resetarits

11. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
director: Larry Charles

10. Castaway on the Moon (2009)
director: Lee Hae-jun

9. [The] School of Rock (2003)
director: Richard Linklater

8. The Descent (2005)
director: Neil Marshall

7. Tim's Vermeer (2013)
director: Teller [of Penn and Teller]

6. Whiplash (2014)
director: Damien Chazelle

5. Dogtooth (2009)
director: Yorgos Lanthimos

4. Hunger (2008)
director: Steve McQueen

3. This Is England (2006)
director: Shane Meadows

2. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
director: Wes Anderson

1. Oldboy (2003)
director: Park Chan-wook



Rory: What do Sean Connery, Ben Kingsley, and Patrick Stewart have in common?
Jon: They've all been knighted.
Rory: Yes, and…
Jon: And…? Are we improvising? I…
Rory: They've all voiced Draco in an Dragonheart film!
Jon: Ah-so…
Rory: Did you know that four Dragonheart films exist? The original, a direct-to-video sequel, and two direct-to-video prequels.
Rory: The Dragonheart franchise has spanned three decades.

Jon: "Dragonheart is now considered a cult classic."
Jon: It is?
Jon: "On various days throughout the year in Toronto, a fully restored '20th anniversary edition' of Dragonheart with never-before-seen footage, enhanced visual effects, and a digitally remastered soundtrack is screened at the AMC Yonge & Dundas 24 theatre."
Jon: WHAT?!

Rory: Dragonheart 5: Michael Caine.
Rory: Draco: She was only 16 years old!
Jon: That reminds me… I need to watch The Trip to Spain.

Don't drown in the brown, just drown in the sound

Jackie Chan Action Movie Week is set to return with a selection of 20 cutting-edge contemporary action flicks from around the world in a program overseen by Chan himself. [source]

Did you know that Jackie Chan annually curates a week of action movies?

I'm surprised that enough cutting-edge contemporary action flicks exist for him to curate 20 or so annually.

The 2015 Jackie Chan Action Movie Week line-up was solid.

The 2016 one…not so much.

The Raid 2 lost "best fight" to sodding Wolf Warrior?!


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

24. Pine Barrens (Fargo, S03E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Trippin' Becky (Twin Peaks, S03E05)
  • Ed Chambers (Silicon Valley, S04E07)
  • Bowling Alley (Fargo, S03E08)

Stray Observations

  • "People hold candles, Nora." (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • ♫: Otis Redding – "I've Got Dreams to Remember" (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • "It's great that your newlyweds believe that a bird with a range of 50 miles is gonna carry their stupid poetry to Timbuktu, but don't sell that bullshit to me."
    "I'm not trying to sell you anything. It's just a nicer story." (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • RT: the end credits rolled to the sound of pachelbel's canon and it didn't feel cheesy. this is skillful. (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • The Leftovers Season Grade: B+
  • "I've done the math. This times that equals you're a cunt, divided by the only way I'm gonna get what I need is if you give it to me, equals the only way you're gonna give it to me is if you don't need it. Like my friend Jesus Christ, the only thing you need, dead wife, is resurrection."
    "Did you just name-drop Jesus Christ like you know a guy who knows a guy?" (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "There's always been a god-shaped hole in man's head." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Religion inspires in those who fear nothing fear of the gods, and using that fear requires a certain element of fucked up." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Did you have a genie in your bottle?" (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Shame is the reason dead people only go out at night." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Your kind of love, dead wife, is the grandest butt-fuckin' of 'em all. You can love somebody even when you know they don't like it, even when you know they don't want it. That's some profound knowledge for you right there, wrapped up in a quaint sexual metaphor." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Neutral, in the face of injustice, is on the side of the oppressor." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "God is great."
    "Life is great." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • Mr. C's face warping into Bob's (Twin Peaks, S03E05)
  • Frank discovering green tea lattes (Twin Peaks, S03E05)

(Twin Peaks, S03E05)

  • "Limp Biscuit's an old frat ritual, where all the brothers race to stroke one out onto a biscuit, and then the last guy to nut has to eat it."
    "Right. Sometimes it's a Wheat Thin." (Silicon Valley, S04E07)
  • "May I borrow this hammer to pound in these flamboyant little nails?"
    "Those are screws." (Silicon Valley, S04E07)
  • When Kim shuts the door to her office, Francesca pulling out a travel magazine, only to quickly hide it again when Kim unexpectedly re-appears (Better Call Saul, S03E08)
  • "But ma, you used to be so active. You had all those hobbies."
    "Oh, I didn't like that stuff, I just wanted to get out the house to keep your father from beating me. Trust me, every woman in a pottery class is crying out for help." (The Carmichael Show, S03E03)
  • "Grandma wants to go out on top. I mean, wouldn't you have rather seen Michael Jordan retire after hitting that three-pointer against the Jazz in '98 instead of seeing this dude way past his prime in a Wizards jersey? Don't make grandma play for the Wizards." (The Carmichael Show, S03E03)
  • "When we meet Jesus, we're all one. Jesus doesn't see colour."
    "So what colour do you think Jesus is?"
    "Well, I don't really think he's white, but I don't really think he's black either."
    "So you're saying Jesus look like Drake?" (The Carmichael Show, S03E03)
  • Top Chef Canada Season Grade: C+

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Carmichael Show


Bro Safari

After a chance meeting with billionaire Bruce Wayne, Elmer Fudd's obsession quickly escalates into stalking Batman through the dark alleys and high-class social settings of Gotham City. Welcome to Bat Season! [source]

McKern: There are others.
McKern: Jonah Hex/Yosemite Sam, Lobo/Road Runner, Martian Manhunter/Marvin the Martian…


Jon: Instead of a monster universe, Universal should've pursued an Image cinematic universe.
McKern: The rights are too spread out. It'd be a licensing nightmare.
Jon: A worthwhile one in my opinion, and you only need a few rights.
Jon: Spawn, Savage Dragon, Youngblood…
Jon: Turok.

Jon: Why did I think Turok was an Image character?
Jon: Universal should acquire film rights to Turok anyway and work him into its Jurassic franchise.

Jon: WWE and Universal are partners.
Jon: A WWE cinematic universe – films inspired by WWE superstars.
Jon: The Undertaker, Ultimate Warrior, Finn Bálor…
Steven: I would love to see La Parka or Doink.
Jon: Heh. Gimmicks of the Galaxy.

Jon: Superman/Million Dollar Man, Batman/Broken Matt Hardy, Wonder Woman/Mankind…

The Coke can in the shower

Another highlight of this year's festival are three films that celebrate Japan's unique "Roman Porno" genre, each having their North American premieres: Aroused by Gymnopedies, Dawn of the Felines, and Wet Woman in the Wind.

Nikkatsu, Japan's oldest film studio, is celebrating 45 years since they birthed the softcore Roman Porno genre (roman derives from the French word for novel). Invented to save a dying industry, they gave carte blanche to directors with minimal rules: keep it under 80 minutes with a sex scene every ten. This allowed for wild stream of consciousness works of both the highest and lowest caliber.

Now, Nikkatsu has enlisted top contemporary talent for the Roman Porno Reboot Project, taking the provocative, envelope-pushing format to a whole new level.

Hashtag Project Greenlight season five.


Eater's Digest: Charlotte, NC

May 2017
bojangles' famous chicken 'n biscuits / soul gastrolounge / dish / price's chicken coop / sabor latin street grill / sunflour baking company / amélie's french bakery / the king's kitchen / ru ru's tacos and tequila / zaxby's / bojangles' / imani's fusion cafe / zablong / laurel market / midwood smokehouse / the asbury / tin kitchen / the cowfish / the improper pig / cantina 1511 / suárez bakery / seoul food meat co. / king of pops / bojangles'

The "Extra Napkins Please" Sandwich (The Improper Pig)
smoked cajun andouille topped with french fries, smothered with house-made pimento cheese, and sprinkled with scallions; served in a hoagie roll

^ I have a feeling we're not in California anymore.

The sausage was tough.

Shrimp Po Boy Taco (Cantina 1511)
crispy hush-puppy-dusted shrimp with shaved romaine, escabeche tartar sauce, cholula, and fresh roma tomatoes
—A fried shrimp taco, but sweet.

Asian Glazed Pork Belly Tacos (Soul Gastrolounge)
on flour tortillas with watermelon salsa

^ Do it for the 'gram, not for ease of eating.

Dirty South Nachos (Soul Gastrolounge)
fried chicken skin "chips" with a pimento cheese fondue and jalapeño pickled okra

^ Too much cheese fondue for my liking.

Ramen Bowl (Soul Gastrolounge)
noodles tossed in a garlic cream, with braised veal cheeks, goat cheese fried mushrooms, veal glace, and caramelized onion powder

^ Divine veal cheeks, delectable goat cheese fried mushrooms, undercooked noodles.

Duck Banh Fit (Soul Gastrolounge)
foie gras pate, ham-cured duck breast, chili-glazed duck confit, daikon and carrot salad, fresh jalapeño aioli, on a toasted french baguette
—I would never guess that this is a play on a banh mi.

Anchovy Fries (Soul Gastrolounge)
fresh fried whole anchovies with tomato-lemon tartar sauce

Dominican Nachos (Sabor Latin Street Grill)
yuca fries with shredded chicken sauteed with tomato and onion, topped with pico, cabbage cotija cheese, and rosada
—The yuca fries in Sabor's Instagram photo look like fries. What I received was five or six yuca logs.

Arepa (Sabor Latin Street Grill)
venezuelan-style white maize cake filled with shredded chicken, diced tomato, onion, cheese, and rosada sauce
—A surprisingly satisfying arepa sandwich.

Mercado Sandwich (Laurel Market)
roasted turkey, bacon, chipotle pepper spread, pepper jack cheese, lettuce, and tomato

^ One of the best sandwiches I have ever eaten.

The Tripping Goat Pizza (Zablong)
mushroom truffle, roasted local mushroom blend, crumbled goat cheese, fig marsala, crushed red pepper oil, cracked black pepper

^ One of the best pizzas I have ever eaten.

Banana Pudding (Midwood Smokehouse)
—One of the best banana puddings I have ever eaten.

Creamed Potatoes and Gravy (The King's Kitchen)
—One of the best mashed potatoes and gravy I have ever eaten.

// walking toward (The King's Kitchen)
Jon: Wait, is this a Christian restaurant?

Sausage Soufflé (The Asbury)
custard-soaked biscuits, herbs, fontina, sausage

^ "Soufflé" is misleading. It's more of a bread pudding.

Sticky Biscuits (The Asbury)
country ham, goat cheese icing

Maw Maw's Cast Iron Biscuits (The Asbury)
bacon jam
–Lotta biscuit for brunch this day.

BBQ Scallops and Octopus (The Asbury)
poached egg, spring veggies, confit san marzano tomato vinaigrette
—Like, two scallops and three baby octopuses.

Deviled Crawfish Salad Sammy (The Asbury)
'nduja aioli, ember-roasted spring vegetables

(The Cowfish) is a "sushi burger bar."

In its washrooms plays a Pimsleur tape parody translating Japanese and redneck. I chuckled.

The Deliverance Roll – Southern Style Bar-B-Q-shi (The Cowfish)
pulled pork, caramelized onion, and bbq sauce wrapped in soy paper and potato strings, then flash-fried; topped with house-made bacon coleslaw and chives

^ Fried pulled pork sushi.

The 4-S [Sear-iously Sensational Sushi Sandwich] (The Cowfish)
seared koji-marinated tuna and yellowtail, asian slaw, red peppers, daikon sprouts, cucumber, served on grilled spring roll wrapper "buns" filled with kani and sushi rice; served with a side of sambal sesame soy

^ Its buns are grilled spring roll wrappers filled with rice and imitation crab:

(Seoul Food Meat Co.) is "southern BBQ with heavy Korean inspiration."

// selecting a protein
Jon: What is Fire Chicken?
Server: It's spicy grilled chicken with melted cheese on top.
Jon: The chicken is covered with cheese?
Server: Yes.
Jon: Okay, I'll have the crispy pork belly.

Crispy Pork Belly (Seoul Food Meat Co.)

Fire Chicken (Seoul Food Meat Co.) looks like Taco Bell.

Sides were a mixed bag.

Sriracha Cracklins (Seoul Food Meat Co.)
—The pork rind kind of cracklins [no meat attached] dusted with a chili powder.

Ram n' Cheese (Seoul Food Meat Co.)

^ Mac and cheese with ramen as the mac.

Should be a ham and cheese sandwich with ramen as the bread, no? Croque ramensieur.

Pimento Corn Cheese (Seoul Food Meat Co.)

^ I mean… Cream cheese and corn with shrimp chips?!


Bo-tato Rounds (Bojangles')
savory potatoes, fried to a golden brown with just the tiniest hint of onion
—Why haven't other fast food chains ripped these off?

Grilled Chicken (Zaxby's)
—"Why can't I stop eating this chicken?" I wondered. Then I realized: "Because it's salty as fuck."

Chana Masala Taco (Tin Kitchen)
stewed chickpeas and mirepoix in coconut curry sauce over kachumber cous cous, topped with crumbled goat cheese

Coleslaw (Midwood Smokehouse)
—A good, clean, slightly spicy slaw.


The Doughnut (Stoke)
brioche dough, diplomat cream, heath bar crumble

^ It weighs one pound.

Banana Pudding Layered Pancakes (Tupelo Honey)
sweet potato pancakes, foster rum sauce

The No. 6 Bowl (Earl's Grocery)
duck confit and beet hash, farm egg, barrel slaw, tko sauce

Korean Dipped Chicken Biscuit (Earl's Grocery)
fried chicken breast, sweet and spicy sesame dip, seoul pickle aioli, house white lilly flour biscuit

Shortcake Salad (Earl's Grocery)
grilled chicken, mixed greens, strawberries, nc goat cheese, walnuts, biscuit croutons, champagne vinaigrette

(The Mayobird) is a restaurant that specializes in…chicken salad. Choose from 16 different chicken salads.

Flavors of Chicken Pot Pie (The Asbury)
whipped potatoes, spring vegetables, biscuit, roasted lemon jus

Shrimp and Grits (The Asbury)
coconut and green curry rice grits, roasted mushrooms, tomato broth

The Nature Boy's WOOOOO-shi BuffalOOOOO-shi Roll (The Cowfish)
sautéed chipotle bison, fried green tomato, grilled onions, feta cheese inside; coated with tempura flakes; topped with fresh green tomato, chipotle aioli, diced tomato, red onion, jalapeño pepper

Cody Zeller's "Hoop, There It is!" Burger (The Cowfish)
half-pound beef burger with hoop cheese and fried pork tenderloin, lettuce, pickles, and sweet indiana mustard sauce; brioche bun

Baked Alaska (Essex Bar and Bistro)
layers of strawberry, mango, and caramel gelato with vanilla cake, covered in toasted italian meringue, served with caramel sauce and candied almonds
—Intriguing trio of ice creams.

Sweet Tea and Lemonade Ice Pop (King of Pops)
Blackberry Banana Ice Pop (King of Pops)
Herbs de Provence Ice Pop (King of Pops)


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

23. Wally Brando (Twin Peaks, S03E04)

Honourable Mention

  • Animated Atsula prologue (American Gods, S01E05)
  • Mr. Jackpots (Twin Peaks, S03E03)
  • Bobby crying at seeing Laura (Twin Peaks, S03E04)

Stray Observations

  • "You know what they say about grief: Next to every cemetery is a motel." (American Gods, S01E05)
  • Gillian Anderson as David Bowie (American Gods, S01E05)
  • "Give me my fucking coin, dead wife." (American Gods, S01E05)
  • "You're a fucking asshole, dead wife." (American Gods, S01E05)
  • Gillian Anderson as Marilyn Monroe (American Gods, S01E05)
  • Media knocking out two of Technical Boy's teeth with a blown kiss (American Gods, S01E05)
  • ♫: Brian Reitzell and Shirley Manson – "Media Bowie" (American Gods, S01E05)
  • ♫: Original main title (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • Penis scanner (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • "Mr. President, due to advancements in plastic surgery, anyone with enough resources can copy a person's face. But your, uh, your penis, sir, well, they're not gonna go to that length." (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • Penis thud (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • "The code is 6969." (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • "What's happening? What was that noise?"
    "I don't know. You tell me. You're God."
    "That was just a pick-up line." (The Leftovers, S03E07)
  • ♫: The Beach Boys – "God Only Knows" (The Leftovers, S03E07)

(The Leftovers, S03E07)

  • "Donut disturb" sign (Twin Peaks, S03E03)
  • "You eat the evidence, Lucy?" (Twin Peaks, S03E03)
  • Brett Gelman (Twin Peaks, S03E04)
  • "We're not anywhere near Mount Rushmore!"
    "I brought a picture for you."
    "There they are, Albert. Faces of stone." (Twin Peaks, S03E04)
  • "Agent Preston gets carsick."
    "Albert, we're in South Dakota. Cossacks are in Russia." (Twin Peaks, S03E04)
  • "This is what we found in his trunk: Cocaine, machine gun, dog leg." (Twin Peaks, S03E04)
  • "Why do I have an e-mail for the Anton LaVey fun run?" (Silicon Valley, S04E06)
  • Haley Joel Osment (Silicon Valley, S04E06)
  • ♫: Too $hort × Meter Mobb – "You Came to Party" (Silicon Valley, S04E06)
  • "We need to do something, something big, that makes Montez really pay attention to us."
    "Cutting aid to veterans!"
    "Great! They volunteered, right?" (Veep, S06E07)
  • "Do you want me to 69 him?"
    [pause] "W— Oh, 86." (Veep, S06E07)
  • "Maybe you were too busy biting James Bond's cable car wire to realize." (Veep, S06E07)
  • The Americans Season Grade: C-
  • Man licking the stump of a woman punished with the loss of her hand (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E08)
  • "Bobby, I didn't raise you to be no raper." (The Carmichael Show, S03E01)
  • "Rape or no rape, I think it's rude not to return a text." (The Carmichael Show, S03E01)
  • "You are a sweet boy. You wouldn't even rape a fly." (The Carmichael Show, S03E01)
  • "I mean, I'm not a rapist, but I'm bad at sex. This moment is really bittersweet." (The Carmichael Show, S03E01)
  • "Thank you for your service, you arrogant deadbeat dad." (The Carmichael Show, S03E02)
  • Forms (Fargo, S03E07)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Is our children learning?

Two days ago at the boy and girl's school:

Fart Squad?

Something fishy is going on in Buttzville. And it's up to Darren and his three farting friends to combine their potty powers to get to the bottom of this evil plot—before it's too late. With their scent-sei, Janitor Stan, at their side, the Fart Squad has to learn to harness the powers between their butt cheeks. [source]


—Oh, it's a series!

Fart Squad #6: Blast from the Past
The Fart Squad must travel back in time to rescue the Golden Scratcher before Harry Buttz can get his hands on it—and leave the world in an itchy mess.

One day ago on the internet:

The Butt Detective?

—Popular children's book series in Japan…

The Butt Detective behaves like a perfect English gentleman, except that his face looks like a butt, and he blows farts from his face! [source]

Each title begins with the phrase 'Pu pu!' which means 'Fart fart!'

Titles in the series include 'Fart, Fart! The Riddle of The Disappearing Lunch Box' and 'Fart, Fart! The Little Police Chief's Big Problem.'

Today in cinemas:

Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie opens.

Occasionally Achieving Greatness

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Apropos of nothing, I re-scored The Leftovers' opening credits with Katy Perry's "Chained to the Rhythm":

"I Don't Wanna Live Forever" didn't work.


Another Day of Sun

Jon: Why are at least half of the toilets in the boys' washroom always filled with poop? Your school bills itself as a "school for gifted children." How gifted can your schoolmates be if they don't know how to flush a fucki—a freakin' toilet?

The boy and girl finish school on Thursday.

The boy is almost my height, and his voice has noticeably deepened.

The girl now answers most questions with "I dunno…"

Jon: What is that?
The girl: I dunno…
Jon: You don't know what you made yourself?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

22. Big Lair (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E02)

Honourable Mention

  • Dane Cook singing "The Weight" while being fellated (American Gods, S01E04)
  • Audrey and Laura in the bathroom (American Gods, S01E04)
  • Is Jessica Simpson okay? (Ellen, 05-22-17)
  • Joe makes love to a life-size cardboard cutout of his dead wife (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E01)

Stray Observations

  • "Say 'hello' to my 50/50 blend." (Bob's Burgers, S07E21)
  • "Teddy, unzip my pickle." (Bob's Burgers, S07E21)
  • Bob's Burgers Season Grade: C
  • "'T.A. Cobell.' His name was Taco Bell?" (Making History, S01E09)
  • Making History Season Grade: C-

(American Gods, S01E04)

  • ♫: Apocalyptica – Metallica's "Wherever I May Roam" (The Leftovers, S03E06)
  • ♫: Gravediggaz – "1-800-Suicide" (The Leftovers, S03E06)
  • Michael Bisping (Twin Peaks, S03E01)
  • Max Perlich (Twin Peaks, S03E01)
  • "Ohh, you're nice and wet." (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
  • ♫: Chromatics playing the roadhouse – "Shadow" (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
  • "James is still cool. He's always been cool." (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
  • "Hey, what do you think of my tie? I designed it myself. I call it 'Yoloha.' It's a combination of 'YOLO' and 'aloha.'"
    "Well, Buzzy, I think it's rad, which is a combination of 'retarded' and 'sad.'" (Veep, S06E06)
  • Sudanese boy wearing a Jonah Ryan for U.S. Congress shirt (Veep, S06E06)
  • "Put Wisconsin at the top of my shit list."
    "You want me to bump Sammy Hagar?"
    "Make them 1A and 1B." (Veep, S06E06)
  • "You look like the world's least fucked geisha." (Veep, S06E06)
  • "Could you tell the Colossus of Chodes that this is the exact same goddamn office?" (Veep, S06E06)
  • Gina's list of baby names (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
  • "Who's the father?"
    "I signed a non-disclosure agreement, which bars me from revealing his identity."
    "Wait, is he famous?"
    "Is it Batali?"
    "Charles, she can't say. Is it Batali?!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
  • "The daddy's a Property Brother, isn't he? It's a Property Baby." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
  • Ryan Phillippe (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • "Pizza Rat, dead tonight at the age of four." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • "It's like an Eagles concert down there – nothing but whites." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • "Please don't address the jury, Mr. Peralta.
    "But, but, but…"
    "One more 'but' and you will be in contempt."
    "One More Butt and You're in Contempt – name of your sex tape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • Scott Aukerman (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C
  • Robin Leach and Vicki Lawrence (Great News, S01E09)

(Great News, S01E09)

  • "You need to get back on the horse, like when you were going through your chunky phase and you broke that pony's back at the fair. Did I let you quit? No. I made you get back on another pony and they had to put two ponies down that day." (Great News, S01E10)
  • "Gram is mean A-F. That's a Twitter term, which I can only assume stands for 'mean as Frankenstein.' There is another term, D-T-F: 'Don't touch Frankenstein,' to which I usually just reply W-T-F: 'Won't touch Frankenstein.'" (Great News, S01E10)
  • Great News Season Grade: C-
  • "You have to wear it until he's gone." (The Americans, S05E12)
  • Oleg exteriors filmed on location in Moscow (The Americans, S05E12)
  • ♫: Cigarettes After Sex – "Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E07)
  • "Shouldn't we… I'm just saying… A more cautious approach. Why not?"
    "Because the shallow end of the pool is where the turds float." (Fargo, S03E06)
  • Varga googles beside a portrait of Stalin, quotes Lenin (Fargo, S03E06)
  • "There's been an accident."
    "Things of consequence rarely happen by accident." (Fargo, S03E06)
  • "Did anyone see you?"
    "I'm so rarely seen, maybe I don't even exist." (Fargo, S03E06)
  • Archer Season Grade: F
  • "When I reach for Scripture, I go for the Book of Job, Psalm 69." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E02)

"I changed Pepe the Frog into a rabbi." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)

  • "We should change our name from the White Warlocks to the White Jewlocks." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
  • "The Torah says we must take an eye for an eye."
    "You mean an oy for an oy." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
  • "I say to hell with forgiveness! Let's kill Neon Joe and leave a nice long trail of goy blood, and then repent for the whole thing on Yom Kippur!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
  • "Oi, oi, get that goy!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)

(Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)

  • "You show that moon there's more than one glowing cube with dangling nuts in this town." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "Yoo-hoo! Hey, moon! Look at me! Come and get me! I'm a sexy cube too!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "I can't believe Turgalak dead. He's supposed to be all-knowing and invincible. First time I met him, he had a burrito waiting for me, knew exactly how I like it: Chorizo and rice, refried bean, sour cream on the side, little salsa verde, pico de gallo, chips and guac, watermelon agua fresca with just a little bit of ice… He even knew that I liked the flour tortilla rather than corn." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "The prophecy says if a werewolf eats the cube's nuts, he will gain its power and rule the world." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "I don't care that you look like a man. You still got a 'giney, and I speak 'ginese." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "I'm lubed up and ready, moon!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
  • "I see somebody's been keeping you company while I was gone."
    "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got the paper cuts on my dick to prove it. Took a while for them to scab up on account of they don't really make Band-Aid for the penile region. Doing them, you know, the knuckle Band-Aid, that work good, but then I gotta, like, pull it down to pee, pull it back up. I went through a whole lotta Band-Aid." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
  • "Oh, babe… You know that I would've used all the dick Band-Aids in the world if I thought I could've saved you." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
  • Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter Season Grade: C

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: American Gods
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Blue Rose

I am chuffed to announce the first wave of programming for the 2017 Adam Riff™ Festival:

Brian Reitzell / The Music of American Gods and Hannibal
featuring: siouxsie sioux, mark lanegan, debbie harry, shirley manson

Brimstone and Glory

David Ives and Christopher Durang
in conversation

Everyday Struggle
live show
in attendance: joe budden, dj akademiks

Friends of the People Stand-up Comedy Showcase
featuring: kevin barnett, jermaine fowler, lil rel howery, the lucas brothers, josh rabinowitz

Inside Taco Bell's Insights (Innovation) Lab

Jean-Claude Van Johnson
screening and panel
in attendance: jean-claude van damme

Nirvanna the Band the Show
screening and panel
in attendance: matt johnson, jay mccarrol

Public Radio Alliance / Tanis and Rabbits
live performances and panel
in attendance: terry miles, "carly parker"


Teppanyaki Chef Showdown
live competition

A Tribute to Takeshi Kaneshiro
in attendance(!!!): takeshi kaneshiro

featuring: cuphead, budget cuts, medieval madness

You ain't nothin' but a hoochie mama

Idea: Twin Mints – Thin Mints with Josie Packard's face printed on or protruding from them.

McKern: We ate at a sushi restaurant and he only ordered ikura and tamago nigiri.
Jon: So…egg sushi and egg sushi.
McKern: Heh, yes. The cheapest thing on the menu and the most expensive thing on the menu.

Evil Losers

Hugo: Re: podcast
Hugo: Sid says you sound like Jonah Ryan
Jon: Ah so…

Danielle: Logan met a guy at a party and the guy was like how do you know Jon Yu
Danielle: and said he read your blog in the '00s
Jon: Um…
Jon: How did I come up in conversation?

Forest: Saw this and thought of you

Jon: [pause]

I held your hair back when you were throwing up

I love films in which existing films are integral – Son of Rambow (First Blood); Tony Manero (Saturday Night Fever); Dogtooth (Jaws, Rocky IV, Flashdance); Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter (Fargo).

Film Idea: A group of friends run from Emilio Estevez, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jeremy Piven, and Stephen Dorff after they witness Emilio murder the producer of Judgment Night, who bilked the cast out of their fair share of grosses.

Film Idea: Al Pacino and Robert De Niro's characters in Heat are cryogenically frozen, have their faces swapped while frozen, and are unfrozen in 2032 to find mainstream society changed and all crime seemingly eliminated.

Grad school, amirite?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

21. World's Best Dad! (Fargo, S03E05)

Honourable Mention

  • Gay Muslim salesman/genie sex scene (American Gods, S01E03)
  • Confrontation with the Granholms (The Americans, S05E11)
  • Rap Song (Saturday Night Live, S42E21)
  • Uber ride home (Master of None, S02E05)

Stray Observations

  • Scott Thompson (American Gods, S01E03)
  • "That woman thinks Jesus suffered for her sins. They're her sins. Why should Jesus do all the suffering?"
    "'Cause his dad sacrificed his ass."
    "Don't blame the parent. Plenty of suffering and blame to go around, although that white Jesus, well, could stand a little more suffering. He's doing very well for himself these days."
    "And how many colours does Jesus come in?"
    "Why, you got your white Jesuit-style Jesus, you got your black African Jesus, you got your brown Mexican Jesus, you got your swarthy Greek Jesus, you've got—"
    "Well, that's a, that's a lot of Jesus."
    "There's a lot of need for Jesus, so, there's a lot of Jesus." (American Gods, S01E03)
  • "This is the only country in the world that wonders what it is."
    "You've been to a lot of other countries, have you?"
    "No, no, never, just this one. Just that the others know what they are. I mean, no one wonders about the heart of Norway or goes searching for the soul of Mozambique. Mozambique knows what it is. They all know what they are."
    "Americans know who they are."
    "They pretend they know." (American Gods, S01E03)
  • ♫: Brian Reitzell and Mark Lanegan – "St. James Infirmary Blues" (American Gods, S01E03)
  • RT: did you notice the ACN [from THE NEWSROOM] logo? (The Leftovers, S03E05)
  • "He wasn't my son."
    "You're denying paternity?!"
    "Mary's word versus mine." (The Leftovers, S03E05)
  • "That's the guy I was telling you about." (The Leftovers, S03E05)

(The Leftovers, S03E05)

  • "Trigger warning: Fuck you!" (Silicon Valley, S04E04)
  • "American University sounds like a made-up college in Egypt!" (Veep, S06E05)
  • "You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby." (Veep, S06E05)
  • "What does Rumpleforeskin want?" (Veep, S06E05)
  • "You want me to just say, 'Cowabunga, mom!'?"
    "Oh, yes, that would be awesome."
    "Well, it's not gonna happen. Alas, we are not cowabunga people." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E19)
  • "Cowabunga, mother!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E19)
  • "It's easy to look at this place and think we're rich now, like that half-naked Scottish duck you boys love." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E23)
  • Chris Elliott (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E23)
  • Fresh Off The Boat Season Grade: C-
  • "I understand why you think some little game is newsworthy, since your last job was at E! co-hosting Fashion 9-1-1."
    "Um, it was Fashion 9/11, and it was immediately cancelled." (Great News, S01E08)
  • "How does the quiet half of the room feel about Gilead?" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • "Please don't be sorry. Please do something." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • "My country is dying."
    "My country is already dead." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • ♫: Adam Taylor – "He's Alive" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • Speechless Season Grade: D+
  • "Enemies are at the gates – inside the gates, fornicating with our cookware!" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • "My mom." (Fargo, S03E05)
  • ♫: Minor Mishap Marching Band – "Track Suit" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • ♫: Jeff Russo and Noah Hawley – "Ship of Fools" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • Joe Buck: "I was born in Florida. Of course I've had a finger in my ass." (Brockmire, S01E08)
  • Brockmire Season Grade: C-

(Saturday Night Live, S42E21)

  • Saturday Night Live Season Grade: C
  • "Can't jerk off in AirBNBs." (Master of None, S02E02)
  • ♫: Kraftwerk – "Computer Love" (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "Sorry I had to cancel on Sunday. I had to tune in for that WWE SummerSlam pay-per-view. […] Dean Ambrose wrestled Samoa Joe for the WWE Championship." (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "You're the son of Scatman?" (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "Favourite taco in New York?"
    "Mm, Los Tacos No.1, the al pastor." (Master of None, S02E05)
  • "Why are white girls always talking about grain bowls?" (Master of None, S02E06)

(Master of None, S02E09)

  • Raven Live! (Master of None, S02E10)
  • "We don't run here at Raven Live!" (Master of None, S02E10)

(Master of None, S02E10)

  • "I mean, I don't think you can see into the future."
    "I know you did not just bring up That's So Raven." (Master of None, S02E10)
  • Master of None Season Grade: B-

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets