Eater's Digest: Las Vegas 4

Previously on Adam Riff™:

O.M.G. Burger (LVB Burgers)
duck burger stuffed with muenster cheese, smoked ketchup, heirloom tomato, watercress, roasted duck mayo
—Where I began to wonder if I actually love duck, or if I just love Peking duck.

March 2017
morimoto / sugarcane / the buffet at wynn / beauty and essex / the buffet at bellagio / chengdu taste / royce' / sugarcane / the buffet at wynn / yonaka modern japanese / shang artisan noodle / sweets raku / wicked spoon buffet / naked city tavern / bacchanal buffet / sugarcane / bacchanal buffet / tacos el gordo / sushisamba / the buffet at wynn

Ichigo (Sweets Raku)
balloon-shaped thin white chocolate cup filled with pie crust and strawberry mousse, served with strawberry candy filled with strawberry sorbet and condensed milk mousse

^ Standing fuckin' ovation. I was delighted to discover sorbet inside the candy strawberry.

Angel Cream (Sweets Raku)
fromage blanc mousse and pear mousse with earl grey cookies and dark chocolate

Hamachi Tacos (Morimoto)
yuzu kosho, avocado, lime

Petite crunchy raw fish tacos are ubiquitous in Vegas – and I will always order them.

Another trend: Beef cocktails.

Wagyu Manhattan (Morimoto)
iwai whisky, melted wagyu lard, walnut liquor, walnut bitters, burnt orange peel

Wagyu Manhattan (Sugarcane)
wagyu-infused iwai japanese whisky, walnut bitters

Wagyu Old Fashioned (Sushisamba)
japanese whisky treated to a wash of the highest-grade wagyu before being stirred with maple and salted caramel

A barman at (Morimoto) explaining its drink menu: "We have blah blah blah blah blah…and Moromito beers."

Toro Tartare (Morimoto)
wasabi, nori paste, sour cream, sturgeon caviar

^ A clunky deconstruction. My server explaining it: "Toro with blah blah blah blah blah…and Morimoto guacamole."

Tuna Pizza (Morimoto)
anchovy aioli, olives, jalapeno

^ Barman: "As seen on the cover of Morimoto's cookbook." "Are staff paid by how many times they say 'Morimoto'?" I wondered.

Duck Duck Goose (Morimoto)
duck meatball soup, duck confit fried rice, gooseberry compote

^ Rekindled my love of duck. The soup is potent.


(Naked City Tavern) is a smoky, skeezy off-Strip pub that serves some of the most interesting food in Vegas.

Crawfish "Popcorn" (Naked City Tavern)
crispy crawfish tails, butter dust, naked city seven pepper hot sauce

Duck Confit Lasagna (Naked City Tavern)
in-house noodles, duck-laced ragu, fresh mozzarella, pecorino, sweet basil

Bacon Candle (Naked City Tavern)
a square of solidified pork fat with a wick surrounded by a ring of sweet balsamic reduction, two high-end salts, and both bacon and basil powder

I saw a sign outside (Harrah's) promoting a "Bizzurger."

I thought it was white people being lame, but upon closer inspection, it's a burger with pizzas as its buns.

Design Firm: Oh shit! Sbarro's rebrand is due today!

(Miracle Mile Shops)

(Beauty and Essex) is, of course, Chopped judge Chris Santos' chain of restaurants hidden inside pawn shops.

Grilled Cheese, Smoked Bacon, and Tomato Soup Dumplings (Beauty and Essex)

Hand Cut Steak Tartare (Beauty and Essex)
crispy mustard and chive sticky rice cake
—Damn, I love raw proteins served in/on crispy carbs.

"Fish and Chips" Tacos (Beauty and Essex)
beer-battered chilean sea bass, chile-lime slaw, crispy matchstick potatoes

^ The crispy matchstick potatoes are wholly unnecessary, but welcome.

Peanut Butter Pie Sundae (Beauty and Essex)
peanut butter ice cream, chocolate sauce, chocolate chunks, crushed pretzels

^ Vegas Seven named it the best dessert in Vegas. Ehh…

Nutella Sundae (Sugarcane)
nutella ice cream, nutella hazelnut brownie, cracker jacks

^ Nutella ice cream doesn't taste like anything. Nutella isn't good diluted.

Torrejas (Sugarcane)
caramelized apples, maple butter, cinnamon ice cream

^ Oversold to me [it's French toast], but I lapped up every drop of the melted maple butter.

Goat Cheese Croquettes (Sugarcane)
membrillo marmalade

Foie Gras Bastilla (Sugarcane)
pistachio duck leg confit, golden raisin puree

Fat Duck Makimono (Yonaka Modern Japanese)
crispy foie gras, eel, gruyere, bacon, avocado, foie gras caramel, spicy aioli

^ Perplexing sushi. Liver, eel, gruyere, avocado… The crispy foie gras is a garnish?! And the bacon, or what I assume was bacon, was jerky tough.

Chicken Sesame Cold Noodle (Shang Artisan Noodle)
shredded chicken breast, sesame sauce, veggies
—The one time I find this dish on a menu, it's bland.

Boiled Fish with Green Pepper Sauce (Chengdu Taste)

^ If water-boiled fish made with red peppers is a show-er, then this green chili counterpart is a grower. You don't realize how spicy the fish is until your tongue is numb.

Toothpick Lamb with Cumin (Chengdu Taste)

^ You can't go wrong with lamb and cumin. Individually skewering chunks of lamb seems like a waste of toothpicks, though.


Mt. Fuji (Andrea's)

"Pan con Chocolate" (Jaleo)
chocolate custard with caramelized bread, olive oil, and brioche ice cream

"Gin and Tonic" (Jaleo)
gin and tonic sorbet, fizzy tonic "espuma," lemon, and aromatics

Guava Chiffon Pancakes (Cinnamon's Restaurant)

Cookie Dough Baked Alaska (Cut)
baileys, milk chocolate ganache, espresso salt

Graham Central Station Ice Cream (Handel's Homemade Ice Cream and Yogurt)
graham cracker-flavoured ice cream with graham ripple and chocolate-covered honeycomb crunch

Yellowtail "Pastrami" (Morimoto)
togarashi, gin creme fraiche, candied olive, morimoto grapeseed oil


Fiery Salty Caramel Chocolate Tarte (Morimoto)
dark chocolate sorbet, marshmallow, salty caramel ganache, spiced rum


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

16. Braun Strowman savagely attacks Roman Reigns (WWE Raw, 04-10-17)

Honourable Mention

  • Downriver Ale / Little Caesars / Chrysler Pacifica ads (Detroiters, S01E10)

Stray Observations

  • Homeland Season Grade: D
  • John Waters as William Castle (Feud, S01E06)
  • "Does the syntax concern anyone else here at the table?" (Feud, S01E06)
  • "I don't know how to be alone."
    "We'll be alone together." (Feud, S01E06)
  • "It's Louisiana. Everything has the sweet smell of rot." (Feud, S01E06)
  • "It's our burden, except we don't get a hashtag." (American Crime, S03E05)
  • "You're dancing with a hot chick under protest." (Crashing, S01E08)
  • "It's like Jambi's house." (Crashing, S01E08)
  • "Don't each french fries with your foot." (Crashing, S01E08)
  • Crashing Season Grade: C-
  • "Pull yourself together and go out there and make Teddy feel like he's the most interesting man on Earth. I want him to think he's Andy Borowitz when this is all done." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E13)

(Fresh Off the Boat, S03E19)

  • ♫: Peter Gabriel – "Lay Your Hands on Me" (The Americans, S05E06)
  • Al Borland (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • "Rick Mahorn from the Pistons has a car dealership? I did not know that." (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • "Bicken Bones." (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • Rick Mahorn acting (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • Detroiters Season Grade: C+
  • "There was a great king on Earth who had a philosophy: Hakuna matata." (The Magicians, S02E12)
  • ♫: Migos – "Handsome and Wealthy" (The Magicians, S02E12)
  • "Welcome to Vancouver" (The Magicians, S02E12)

(Archer, S08E02)

  • "Honor is very important to my people."
    "The Japanese."
    "No, pitchers."
    "It's offensive to my people."
    "The Japanese."
    "No, Free Masons. I am a man who wears many hats." (Brockmire, S01E03)
  • "Co-exist." (Powerless, S01E08)
  • "Archie, as my blood brother, it was your sole responsibility to ensure that something like this never happened on my birthday. Now we're here, in the middle of a Seth Rogen movie." (Riverdale, S01E10)
  • Molly Ringwald (Riverdale, S01E10)
  • "QR codes are the herpes of mobile technology." (Shark Tank, S08E21)
  • Pepsi ad director continuity (Saturday Night Live, S42E18)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Hold My Beer

Previously on Adam Riff™ (July 2008):

Apparently [Tony] Jaa walked off the set [of Ong Bak 2] two months ago, stressed over the work load of his directorial debut.

Some reports say that Jaa has retreated to some remote caves in northern Thailand to meditate and / or practice black magic.

In 2010, Tony Jaa rode an elephant to a Buddhist temple in Surin, Thailand, where he shaved his head, took vows, and was officially ordained as a Buddhist monk.

In 2017, Tony Jaa is pursuing pop stardom:

Jackie Chan is a pop star.

Idea: A musical starring a bunch of action stars. Bruce Willis sings. Steven Seagal sings.

Fast and Fortissimo. Vin Diesel sings. The Rock sings. Tyrese.

Starring Wesley Snipes, Anne Heche, WWE superstar Seth Rollins, and Gene Simmons

Someone is killing contenders for a college scholarship!

New Wave, cold-filtered, low-calorie dry

Raisins is Hooters. Mister Jiu's is Chinese. Why not use City Wok?

And how can you approximate South Park in San Francisco without a pop-up Vernacular? Or Seinfeld in San Francisco without a non-fat yogurt shop?

Turn Raisins into the Chinese Restaurant.

Seinfeld vending machine: Junior Mints, Pez, Snickers packaged with a disposable knife and fork, Chunkys, Drake's Coffee Cakes, Jujyfruits…

Diet Coke? No, that's Friends.

Gosu's unusual combination was inspired by Tran's high-school passions: bubble tea and EDM.

The full menu will feature quirky eats like fruit sushi, bacon-wrapped avocado fries, and mini octopus corn dogs.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. Roadblock: Shamir's Testicles (The Amazing Race, S29E02)

Stray Observations

  • "I lost the year 1996 to schnapps. I still don't know what the Macarena is." (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "It's definitely not a him because it has babies."
    "Oh, a gay raccoon can't have babies?"
    "Oh, I dunno, I guess he could adopt or have a surrogate." (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "It has three black rings on its tail and its ear kinda has a notch in it."
    "A gauge? Has that reached the raccoon community?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "Oh, hey, I got you something too. Turn it upside down. Her clothes come off."
    "Wait, why would you think I'd be into this?"
    "Oh, I bought a white woman 'cause I just didn't want to assume…" (Making History, S01E05)
  • ♫: "Ants Marching" (Making History, S01E05)
  • "It appears we're dealing with a deaf, or, like, a Nell." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • "LaFontaines are notorious bullies." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • Hot tub sundae (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • "I'm bending over backwards for this kid, pulling out all the stops, but he's just acting like a real LaFontaine." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • The Walking Dead Season Grade: D-
  • "My Joan is faaar worse than your Joan." (Feud, S01E05)
  • "Hypocrisy is the tribute vice must pay to virtue." (Feud, S01E05)
  • "You don't have to use your own dick for dick pics. You just Google 'picture of dick.' Gotta make sure it looks enough like your dick, because you don't want your dick pic to write a check that your real dick can't cash. You want to see the dick I use? It might be able to work for both of us. I have an Indian friend who uses a picture of my actual dick."
    "I don't want to use your dick." (Crashing, S01E07)
  • Miranda Otto outrunning fire (24: Legacy, S01E10)
  • "I couldn't find your trash bin, so I threw it away in the toilet."
    "What'd you throw in the toilet?"
    "The, uhh, salami from the fridge."
    "I didn't flush it, so you're gonna have a bunch of salami floating around in your toilet bowl."
    "What?" (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "Children's literature just got a brand new daddy." (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "I published the entire Bitch Witch series: Bitch Witch Christmas, Bitch Witch Prom Night, and Bitch Witches of Rhode Island. (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "Wanna hear some music?"
    "Sure, yeah, that could be inspiring."
    [sings "Hot Cross Buns"] (New Girl, S06E22)
  • New Girl Season Grade: C
  • "It's like a sweatier, more violent Melrose Place."
    "Those are my only two criticisms of Melrose Place." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E18)
  • "Do you want to hear about Lotus 1-2-3?" (The Americans, S05E05)
  • Kevin Nash (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "Husky Boys: Chode style." (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "To our mouths and buttholes, may they never meet." (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "No, no no no no. Don't check a man's search history." (Speechless, S01E19)
  • "Ma'am, my name is Ahmad Rashad, and your hand is on my penis." (Black-ish, S03E20)
  • "Speak any German?"
    "You know, 'don't shoot,' 'I surrender,' 'Hitler's the tops,' stuff like that." (Archer, S08E01)
  • Wine for cats and dogs (Shark Tank, S08E20)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Pyrrhic Victory

Shit, it's April 6? I've celebrated it incorrectly this whole time? [grumbling]

Eight years ago TODAY, I launched The Agony of Defeat on a whim, and over 10,000 posts and a stint contributing to's Page 2 later, I'm throwing in the towel.

It began with CC Sabathia and ends with Masahiro Tanaka.

I persist on Tumblr at WankerCounty.

Cannibal hymns of the bourgeoisie

This is Coachella?

Five Victoria's Secret Angels will be hosting a private bash, complete with beauty stations. The event is over at 6 p.m., which gives guests plenty of time to hit the Polo Fields for Radiohead's performance.

Pool float maker Funboy, the celeb-favorite brand responsible for the Taylor Swift-approved inflatable swans, has partnered with Smashbox Cosmetics to host a pool party. Funboy has created a special collection of metallic lip floats in honor of Smashbox's new Metallic Lip Glosses.

Galore magazine and dating app Grindr have joined forces to bring festival goers Queens of the Desert, a daytime party with DJ sets by actress Taryn Manning (Orange Is the New Black) and Kylie Jenner's BFF Jordyn Woods.

Once again, Revolve will host the #RevolveFestival, a day party filled with brand activations, special guests and performances.

Dating and "social discovery" app Bumble has tapped Kendall and Kylie Jenner as the hosts of its Winter Bumbleland event. The two-day soiree is "Aspen Chic meets Desert Heat"-themed, complete with an ice bar, a glacier pool, a snow angel garden and winter tubing.

The American Express Platinum House will feature all the comforts of L.A. (think: Soul Cycle classes taught by founding senior instructor Stacey Griffith).

Day two of The Hyde Away will feature poolside DJ sets from Joe Jonas and Giorgio Moroder as well as food by Umami Burger.

Katy Perry is hosting an Easter Day "recovery" brunch complete with vitamin elixirs, an oxygen bar and reflexology massages. The Katy Perry Footwear collection will be on display, and Cover Girl will host an Easter egg hunt set to the tune of DJ sets by Mia Moretti and Balthazar Getty.

CannaSpa at Coachella, Cannabis & Culinary's wellness and lifestyle event which promotes cannabis-infused foods and services like yoga and art, is bringing Chef for Higher for a "dope" four-course dinner party.

The Boys of Summer

Zach Braff directed this?!

It's the third film in both Morgan Freeman and Zach Braff's "aging" trilogies.

Adam Sandler's third film (of eight!) for Netflix drops next week.

Can it top the 0% and 5% Rotten Tomatoes ratings for his previous two films (both for Netflix)?

Can you name his previous two films?

What a life. Netflix pays him tens of millions of dollars to fuck around with his friends.

I wonder what Val Kilmer is up to.


"The speed limit is 45."

Huh. My rental van informs me when I'm speeding.

Back from Los Angeles, where I stayed an an AirBNB owned by the director of Dee Snider's Strangeland.

[googles closest petrol station to rental car return]

TMP Gas. 1.6 out of five stars. Hmm…

"Good snack place but the gas is always 2 dollars more then [sic] regular price."

Ehh, work is paying for it, and I don't want to risk being charged for not returning the van with a full tank.

I stop at TMP Gas, swipe a credit card, insert a nozzle, and—

$4.89 a gallon?! For 87?!

I expected marked-up petrol, but… That Google reviewer was not exaggerating.

Guh. No time to drive elsewhere. I have to flight to catch.

[as petrol pumps] Please don't total more than the $55 the rental car company offered for returning low, please don't total more than $55…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

14. Psycho (Bates Motel, S05E06)

Stray Observations

  • "Feeding time, huh?"
    "No, just doing a detail job on the urchin's anus."
    "Good work if you can get it."
    "Sure is, but it looks like I won't be able to do it much longer."
    "Why? Did the sea urchin learn how to brush its own anus?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E14)
  • "Churches don't pay taxes, but they're hard to heat, so it balances out."
    "I never thought about heating costs for churches, but sure. High ceilings, all those windows…" (Bob's Burgers, S07E14)
  • "I love the metric system. I give it a ten out of ten." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Pretending to strongly believe in something that you don't is great preparation for being, like, a lawyer, or a stepdad." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "I guess it makes me mad that they call it your 'bottom' when it's in the middle? Or, why do horseshoes only come in one style? Why can't they have horse sandals?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "And if we adopt the metric system, when someone says, 'Thanks a ton,' you won't actually know how much they're thanking you." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Sundown is at 6:43, so my telescope and I will be there at 6:44."
    "Only Ursa Minor will be visible, but we'll still have Ursa Major fun." (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "This Duncan guy is from New Zealand, and no one can understand him."
    "Rebuttal. Yeah, where I'm from, we call it 'buttle rubbies.'" (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Want me to twist you off a chestie?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E15)
  • "Help us feast on these completely charred and nearly inedible flying beasts."
    "The trick to catching more than one duck at once is to kill them while they're fornicating."
    "We followed their quacks of ecstasy into the woods, crept up, smashed them with rocks."
    "How can you tell a quack of ecstasy?"
    "A quack of ecstasy is two quacks."
    "Two quacks heightening to a final clim-quacks."
    "There's three ducks…"
    "As far as we could tell, these two ducks here were in a relationship, and this third duck was hanging around watching, trying to get in on the mix." (Making History, S01E04)
  • "All black people are guardian angels. Remember that." (Making History, S01E04)
  • "NBA Jam?! Two miracles in one day." (Making History, S01E04)
  • "You are not going to fail on my watch, you fat pig!" (Making History, S01E04)
  • "You'll notice I've placed a hat in front of each of you. You're gonna want to hold on to it." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "You gotta remember that the camera adds 10 pounds. Ever try to take a picture of a scale on zero? Can't do it. It'll always say '10.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Find this thing we need to."
    "Tandy, I think you mean 'Find this thing to which we need.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Most people are scared to engage others in conversation. That's why if you ever see me at a social event, no one's ever talking to me." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "If I'm to believe all the recommended ages on the board games, we're dealing with an individual between the ages of eight and 80." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Oh, my goodness! This is delicious candy, and there's so much of it! Hey, and if candy's not your bag, we got a whole slew of items catering to a more experienced taste! Talking to you, Benji! Yeah, we got, uh, Metamucil, BluBlockers, hearing aids, couple Judging Amy DVDs, you got a box of Depends diapie-diaps! It's a world of pure imagination for young and old alike! It's raining Fixodent!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Loforwarto't! That's a shortening of the phrase 'looking forward to it'!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Yeah, nature called, and I am currently answering! Yeah, went a little hard on the prune juice! Yeah, that's something you'll learn about me! Major prune guy!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E13)
  • "Over a million views on YouTube…" (Homeland, S06E10)
  • "It wasn't cute when you were 45, and it sure as hell isn't cute now." (Feud, S01E04)
  • Toby Huss as Frank Sinatra (Feud, S01E04)
  • "One slice each, apple, pecan, and whipped cream, with two Pepsi-Colas."
    "Well, no time like the present to develop diabetes."
    "Miss Joan forbids sweets. She says sugar is a dangerous food. I take my thrills where I can." (Feud, S01E04)
  • "On frontier, only men, like bathhouse." (Feud, S01E04)
  • Sarah Silverman's apartment number is 420 (Crashing, S01E06)
  • ♫: Eiffel 65 – "Blue" (Crashing, S01E06)
  • "Why do you have so many visors? Are you an old Korean lady?" (Superior Donuts, S01E09)
  • RT: So Rihanna has killed Hannibal Lecter and eluded Norman Bates. (Bates Motel, S05E06)
  • "You're not too little now, Norman." (Bates Motel, S05E06)
  • Donna Pescow (New Girl, S06E21)
  • "This is what happens when you're self-sufficient!" (The Mick, S01E13)
  • ♫: "Lipstick on a Turd" (Detroiters, S01E08)
  • "Half the clickbait out there is encoded knowledge for Magicians." (The Magicians, S02E10)
  • "Ohh, honey, we both know that rehab is about more than nachos and backgammon." (The Magicians, S02E10)
  • "The Tesla Flexion has only been successfully employed once before. Luckily, we are using the original equipment left to Brakebills by the man who invented it."
    "Nikola Tesla?"
    "No. Fred Flexion." (The Magicians, S02E10)
  • What the main titles are (Legion, S01E08)
  • ♫: Pink Floyd (Legion, S01E08)
  • ♫: T. Rex – "Children of the Revolution" (Legion, S01E08)
  • Legion Season Grade: B
  • Review Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Looking forward:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

13. Matt and Jay try to turn a hostage situation into a chance to play the Rivoli (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Montage of their animosity toward one another (Feud, S01E03)
  • Lavar Ball interview (First Take, 03-23-17)

Stray Observations

  • "Wait, is that…? This is your mom too? Are we sisters?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "I can't get through to Tina, but you know what can? Some strong heroine." (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "So, in conclusion, outer space, determination, and karate." (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "Clear eyes, full hearts, I'm Cher." (Making History, S01E03)
  • Deb eating a coaster (Making History, S01E03)
  • "I've been drinking my own breast water to survive." (Making History, S01E03)
  • "M and M?"
    "That year, from here to here, I spent smoking meth and masturbating." (Homeland, S06E09)
  • "Hey, I think she's trying to say something."
    "Wine! She needs wine!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Hey, it's Henry Wadsworth Long-mellow! […] Mellow-nor Roosevelt, out." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "By the way, my penis is waaay larger than one sixth of an inch. Well, larger than one sixth of an inch." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Ahh… Whites." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Jiminy Glick." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)

(Feud, S01E03)

  • "You said he was from Broadway. He's not. I checked. All his stage work is from San Diego."
    "Yeah, the Old Globe. He's a distinguished Shakespearean actor."
    "Oh, I'm sure his Falstaff is the talk of Tijuana." (Feud, S01E03)
  • "And it was Gloria Swanson who was robbed in 1950, not yooUUU, bitch!" (Feud, S01E03)
  • "Women outlive men; children leave. Best get used to it."
    "Oh, Mamacita, how I love your Teutonic pragmatism." (Feud, S01E03)
  • Bette ashing her cigarette in the Pepsi machine (Feud, S01E03)
  • "You're like his white magical negro." (Superior Donuts, S01E08)
  • Gangsters vs. terrorists (24: Legacy, S01E08)
  • Rihanna (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Carlton Cuse (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Norman in a gay bar (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Martha (The Americans, S05E03)
  • "Should we tell Paige about this?" (The Americans, S05E03)
  • "Can I start you gentlemen with something to drink?"
    "I'm good with just water."
    "You sure? The bar has everything."
    "Oh, no, no thanks. I don't drink."
    "I'll have a double bourbon and a Vernors."
    "I'll have a giant glass boot filled with beer."
    "I'm sorry, we don't have that."
    "Well, then your bar doesn't have everything." (Detroiters, S01E07)

(Detroiters, S01E07)

  • "Boys, would you like to hear the world's saddest nine-word novel? 'For sale: Shoes for two inflatable pre-teens. Never used." (Detroiters, S01E07)
  • "I think this is a tad redundant."
    "For werewolves."
    "Okay, technically, I have sexually-transmitted lycanthropy." (The Magicians, S02E09)
  • Les Misérables (The Magicians, S02E09)
  • Professor X's wheelchair (Legion, S01E07)
  • "And you're…British?"
    "Like I said, I'm your rational mind." (Legion, S01E07)
  • "Is that supposed to be a British accent?" (Legion, S01E07)

(Legion, S01E07)

(Legion, S01E07)

(Legion, S01E07)

  • Oliver and his Martinis (Legion, S01E07)
  • ♫: The Grassy Knoll – "Art of Fear [feat. Vernon Reid, Brad Houser, and Adam Sultan]" (Legion, S01E07)
  • "I'm second-lead clown in a Russian circus." (Baskets, S02E10)
  • "Communist poodles? How'd they get in the country?" (Baskets, S02E10)
  • "You want to eat at Planet Hollywood, huh? With Arnold Schwarzenegger? Steven Seagal? You know what? You're fired, or whatever your new president says." (Baskets, S02E10)
  • Baskets Season Grade: A-

(Review, S03E02)

  • "I had no idea what you said about me during my murder trial until I took off my Helkelmet [my Helen Keller helmet]." (Review, S03E02)
  • "You used to do things because you wanted to do them, not because, 'Ohh, a stranger said I should take my dick out and walk all over my ex-wife's front lawn.'"
    "Okay, that was not the review requests. I was living my dream." (Review, S03E02)
  • Dog Day Afternoon (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Pull out the gun, and go, 'And his name is John Cena!'"
    "You can't just pull out a gun and yell 'John Cena.' The plan is good enough. We don't need to add a John Cena part to everything."
    "It's a John Cena element." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Is this guy black too? Nooo! This is so terrible. Oh, no, okay. No, this guy's white. Okay, they're a mixed gang. This is actually kind of nice. They must have been very good buddies. Maybe they all went to, like, uhh, art school together." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • [watching The Negotiator] "Very fuckable film." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Back once again with the renegade masters." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • Nirvanna the Band the Show Season Grade: B+

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Oh, that rad-sounding miniature golf jawn that Adam Robot told me lives. I had resigned myself to never experiencing it. A trip to Seattle is in order.

Oh. It ends this Sunday.

Yes, this will be the last Smash Putt! [source]


Goon 2?

Oh, it opened in Canadian cinemas last weekend.

Okay, I need to be in Los Angeles on Sunday. Seattle on Friday, Vancouver on Saturday…? [checks rewards miles]

Tony Fader Is My Hero 8


It seems the "half" in this one is a girl, and the cop is Lou Diamond Phillips.

A proper sequel would be…Two Cops?

Cop and a Has-been.

The baby/little lady in Three Men and a Baby/Little Lady would be in her early 30s now.

Three Men and a Bride, obviously.

She dies in a freak accident and is survived by One Man and Three Babies.

Three Urns and an Octogenarian.

Problem Child 4.

More Life

Pretend that it's a fortnight ago.

// Las Vegas, NV

Each of the 10 pools at The Venetian and The Palazzo provides a distinct experience, perfect for fun or relaxation.

Work out the kinks and maintain body tone by swimming a few laps in the Vita Pool. Reserved for lap swimming all day, Mondays – Thursdays and from 8 to 11 a.m., Fridays – Sundays. [source]

This pool is never open.

If you don't want to staff every pool during off-peak months, post a sign that reads "no lifeguard on duty" like my gym does, and my gym's pool is deeper than any pool on this deck.

$10 million for a defective chair?!

I want a T-shirt with this slot machine header on it:

Slot machine streetwear.

A Supreme slot machine.

Idea: Casino Decathlon.

In this order:
Pai Gow
Casino War
Slot Machine
Texas Hold'em Poker

The contestant with the most money at the end wins.

Sports bets must be on sporting events happening that day.

You have one hour and $1000 to play each of the first nine games, and $1000 plus whatever the $9000 became to play Texas Hold'em. Texas Hold'em is last so you can all-in a comeback.

You can play each game for as long as you want, so long as you play at least $500.

On hold with my hotel's concierge after sending out a shirt to be laundered with $3000 in its pocket:

"Each suite features an Italian marble bathroom…"

And a plastic bathtub.

Most oppressively odoriferous casinos on the Strip:
5. The Cosmopolitan
4. The Linq
3. Casino Royale
2. Harrah's
1. Flamingo

During an uberX ride, my driver told me that he hung out with Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott at the Pac-12 Tournament. They grew up together.

How are you an uberX driver? Were you injured in a hotel?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

12. Feeling Good (Legion, S01E06)

Stray Observations

  • "If you thought nougat likes lots of humidity, you'd be wrong, dead wrong." (Bob's Burgers, S07E12)
  • "Well, nowadays, business isn't done in offices. Business is done walking really fast down long hallways and at urinals. Haven't you seen Entourage?"
    "Is it a show about people peeing and getting stuff done?"
    "Yeah, more or less." (Bob's Burgers, S07E12)
  • "After seeing that Peppermint Patricia wrapper…" (Making History, S01E02)
  • "I don't want to have this conversation in front of the guns." (Making History, S01E02)
  • "We got an airplane. If we didn't have tiny bottles, we'd be giant buttholes." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)
  • RT: The full list of celebrities Tandy lists in his toast, pump-up speech, and eulogy: Galileo, Sir Isaac Newton, Thomas Alva Edison, Doug Henning, Pelé, Peter Frampton, Jonas Salk, Lena Dunham, Shel Silverstein, Kenny Loggins, George Washington Carver, Nelson Mandela, Jim Henson, Hamilton, the guy who did Hamilton, Neil Armstrong, Johnny Appleseed, SEAL Team Six, Ryan Lochte [before Rio]. (The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)
  • Todd's somber rendition of "Fly" by Sugar Ray (The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)

(The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)

  • "There's no good way to tell people you haven't seen The Wire." (Crashing, S01E04)
  • "How, specifically, would you handle your business?"
    "I'd get mine. Set it off. Be a man. Man up. You know, represent, man. You gotta flip the switch, man. You gotta light it up."
    "Sorry, a lot of these sound like lyrics from the album Willennium." (Crashing, S01E04)
  • "How dare you mention Pepsi. Unlike you, it's good and pure." (Feud, S01E02)
  • "Women will do what they always do when they're cornered – eat their own and pick their teeth with the bones." (Feud, S01E02)
  • TONY ALMEIDA BYKE (24: Legacy, S01E07)
  • ♫: Alana Yorke – "Anthem" (Bates Motel, S05E04)
  • "And I read that authors should all have a strong look, so I found four authors with strong looks and I combined them. Tom Wolfe? White suit. Hunter S. Thompson? Yellow sunglasses. David Foster Wallace? Bandana. Toni Morrison? The Presidential Medal of Freedom." (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "Guess who has two dressers."
    "Rip Torn."
    "No, me."
    "I mean, you and Rip Torn."
    "Stop talking about Rip Torn." (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "I almost hit you with this brushed steel modern lamp." (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "She's your girlfriend. I'm your good friend. She should get to make you sheet cake."
    "That makes sense. I just need to make something clear between us if that's okay. You're saying 'sheet' like 'ghost clothes,' not like 'in a toilet,' right?" (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "The Asian Flush." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E17)
  • Jeremy Lin, Ming-Na Wen, Ali Wong (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E17)
  • Bennigan's (The Americans, S05E02)
  • "Campbell's Soup: 'It's just wet ass food.'" (Detroiters, S01E06)

"We've never been on the cover of a magazine…"
"Well, Chubby Buddies…"

(Detroiters, S01E06)

  • "Spirit Airlines: 'Dying while flying.'" (Detroiters, S01E06)
  • "Bologna: 'Because it's all the meats.'" (Detroiters, S01E06)
  • "Paella only has…22 ingredients?! What does it do? Summon a genie?" (Speechless, S01E18)
  • "Stop singing Imagine Dragons to get me off the track." (The Magicians, S02E08)
  • "You think that I stole something?"
    "Can you believe that, Vivian? Doesn't it just make [pulls out phone] you want to pout?" (Black-ish, S03E18)
  • "Okay, look, black nanny is not a thief."
    "It's Vivian."
    "Please, black nanny, I'm defending you." (Black-ish, S03E18)
  • "Such a sweet little baby, and me, your very own walking, talking fungus." (Legion, S01E06)
  • Craig Kilborn (Workaholics, S07E10)
  • ♫: Asher Roth – "I Love College" (Workaholics, S07E10)
  • "This right here I don't understand. Why am I not the guy in the chair?"
    "Adam, that's not how a bar mitzvah works."
    "I thought I was DJ-ing at a sports bar called 'Bar Mitt Fuzz.' It's a bar mitt and there's fuzz in it." (Workaholics, S07E10)
  • Workaholics Season Grade: D-
  • "Two Boones for one dollar?" (Baskets, S02E09)
  • "We'll have one cup of liquid cheese and an application, please." (Baskets, S02E09)
  • "If somebody gave you a Quiznos franchise, you'd run it into the ground." (Baskets, S02E09)
  • "Suze Orman is not a bitch." (Baskets, S02E09)
  • My Dinner with Andre (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E07)
  • "I don't need any more noodles."
    "But I do, so fuck him and fuck you too. [pause] Eminem." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E07)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Dubious Food



Genius quietly laid off a bunch of its engineers — now can it survive as a media company?

Co-founder Tom Lehman told employees that Genius planned to shift its emphasis away from the annotation platform in favor of becoming a more video-focused media company.

"Video makes it a little bit more accessible," he said. "I love the Genius website. But it can be a little frustrating to use. You have to be really, really dedicated to learn everything about a song on Genius. You've got to be down to click and read a lot."

Last week, Genius posted a video about rapper Lil Yachty learning how to make pizza.


No Frauds

Previously on Adam Riff™ (March 2007):

Snow and the Seven (2008)

An English princess finds herself in need of protection while traveling in late 19th century China. Seven Shaolin monks come to her aid, each with a trait of a dwarf in Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Michael Chabon? wrote the screenplay. Yuen Woo-Ping will direct.

Woo-Ping is looking to make Snow and the Seven the Ocean's Eleven of martial arts movies.

Well, that didn't happen, but this might:

Ong Bak star Tony Jaa, The Raid breakout Iko Uwais and Tiger Chen (Man of Tai Chi) will square off against Scott Adkins (Zero Dark Thirty), UFC middleweight champ Michael Bisping and action movie vet Michael Jai White in Triple Threat.

The trio were to have starred in a different film, also titled Triple Threat, but that fell apart last year.

Asian actors Jaa, Uwais and Chen are the protagonists, while American thespians Adkins, Bisping and White are the villains. [source]

Two out of three on both sides.

I like Tiger Chen, but did Donnie Yen pass?

And Bisping's spot should've gone to Mark Dacascos. Still time to replace him.

Triple Threat 2: Fatal 4-Way.
Triple Threat 3: Survivor Series.