Pokémon Brown

I just finished reading The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep and Never Had To by DC Pierson, a young adult/science fiction exploration of friendship.

I try super-hard not to sleep in any classes just to prove that hey, look, I can do it too. If somebody were shadowing me around school today, they wouldn't see me close my eyes, either, though they would see me get more and more irritable and death-resembling and every so often they would see my eyelids bang together involuntarily for just a half a moment longer than a blink is, as my head dips down just slightly until I pull it back up and in my head yell at my eyelids and neck for being so fucking weak. [51]

It's weird to think that once I'm out of high school, that will have been high school. Like, the high school years, the ones everybody gets, those will have been mine, written in stone, unalterable forever. [179]

Idea: A button on airplanes that, when pushed, forces every seat on board into its upright position.

Traditional Chex Mix, original Pringles, but almond M&Ms?

Isn't "birthday and/or cake" flavour just vanilla?

Idea: Bacon glazed with birthday frosting.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

23. The Perfect Equation (Silicon Valley, S01E08)

"Embedding disabled by request."

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • No Keaton Henson song! (In the Flesh, S02E05)
  • "She wasn't made for outdoor use. Those colors do run!" (Enlisted, S01E10)
  • "I'm kinda over the whole downstairs shaving thing. I mean, if I'm honest, it's a good look. It's sleek, it actually adds an optic inch…" (Enlisted, S01E10)
  • "Come, Reek, I'll be needing a bath." (Game of Thrones, S04E08)
  • "Poison's a woman's weapon. Men kill with steel." (Game of Thrones, S04E08)

(Game of Thrones, S04E08)

  • A Dorian Gray orgy! (Penny Dreadful, S01E04)
  • Kara Swisher (Silicon Valley, S01E08)
  • Silicon Valley Season Grade: C+
  • "People don't elect elves, okay? They put them to work in grottos or they get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them."
    "Okay, that's dwarves." (Veep, S03E08)
  • "No, don't look at the twitch. Focus on the dead dad lady!" (Veep, S03E08)
  • "Are they loopholes or are they legitimate holes?" (Veep, S03E08)
  • "We all want to live above the hole." (Veep, S03E08)
  • Leslie is Melissa Joan Hart's stepfather (MasterChef, S05E02)
  • Lamb meatloaf with couscous, blue cheese sauce, and chili flakes (MasterChef, S05E02)
  • Caribbean meatloaf with lemongrass, soy sauce, and mango (MasterChef, S05E02)
  • Aksel Hennie slumming it as a guest star (24, S04E09)
  • "Everybody in this part of western Brooklyn is already dead. Everybody in this part of Brooklyn will be dead by four o'clock tomorrow." (Louie, S04E09)
  • "Don't get caught by AIDS." (Louie, S04E10)
  • "This would be rape if you weren't so stupid. God, you can't even rape well!" (Louie, S04E10)
  • "Don't you 'Mrs. Hess' me. I was picking your pubes out of my teeth 12 hours ago." (Fargo, S01E08)
  • "I let you cum inside of me!" (Fargo, S01E08)
  • "You're unemployed now, by the way." (Fargo, S01E08)
  • IceJJFish! (Loiter Squad, S03E04)
  • Free association: Tony = Lance on Portlandia (Orphan Black, S02E08)
  • "Helium is way funnier than polonium." (Orphan Black, S02E08)



I just finished reading The Flame Alphabet by Ben Marcus, about a world in which language becomes toxic and only children are immune.

The body language on our street could have been studied for its gesture-perfect evasions. Just weeks before, Rabbi Burke, speaking by cable to our Jewish hut, called it defended semaphore, the gestures of a body craving disappearance. How many ways can you say Stay the fuck away from me without speaking? It was a well-crafted public solitude. We were all artfully alone out there. [5]

One must fairly consider that all music is the sound a body makes as it comes to its pretty end. Is there any sound that cannot be traced back to that? [240]

One might argue that, absent of speech, deprived of all communication, a father dissolves. The title finally expires, and the man probably follows. You don't strip away a father's title and expect the man to live. A former father is just a man who once had a duty to answer. Perhaps he can barely recall what that duty ever was. It nags at him as something he forgot to do, something he did only poorly. Fatherhood is perhaps another name for something done badly. [256]

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

22. Peggy's First Pitch (Mad Men, S07E07)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Jorts (Mad Men, S07E07)
  • "That is a very sensitive piece of horse flesh! He shouldn't be rattled!" (Mad Men, S07E07)
  • "What do I do now?" (Mad Men, S07E07)
  • "Every time an old man starts talking about Napoleon, you know they're going to die." (Mad Men, S07E07)
  • "Pete's pregnant. He has to do what we say." (Mad Men, S07E07)

(Mad Men, S07E07)

  • Mad Men Season Grade: B-
  • "He smells like kale!" (Louie, S04E07)

(Louie, S04E08)

  • "This one calls an ambulance. That one calls the hearse." (Fargo, S01E07)
  • "What?! It's fresh!" (Fargo, S01E07)
  • Maron parody tag (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E04)



In Taipei, I discovered a Taiwanese band named 1976, which formed eight years before the band The 1975. This discovery led me to Google.

Is 1970 a band?

Is 1971 a band?
Yes, 1971 is a Bangladeshi band, seemingly named after the year of the Bangladesh Liberation War.

Is 1972 a band?

Is 1973 a band?
Yes, 1973 is a French band.

Is 1974 a band?
Yes. In 2012, 1974 won "Best New Band" at the first annual Connecticut Music Awards.

Is 1975 a band?
Yes, The 1975 is a UK band.

Is 1976 a band?
Yes, 1976 is a Taiwanese band.

Is 1977 a band?
Yes, 1977 is a UK "punk and new wave tribute band."

Is 1978 a band?
Yes, 1978 Band is a Greek band.

Is 1979 a band?
Yes, 1979 is a band of Iowa teenagers. Also: Death From Above 1979 (Canada).

Is 1980 a band?
Yes, 1980 is a French "brutal jazz power trio."

Is 1981 a band?
Yes, 1981 is a Finnish anarcho-punk band.

Is 1982 a band?
Yes, 1982 is a Belgian band.

Is 1983 a band?

Jon: Family Feud. Name a song with a year in its title. What's the top answer?
Rory: Hmm… "1999" – Prince?
Tina: Good answer! Good answer!

The 10th album has to be The Blood Brothers – Crimes, no?

His sex appeal is only his athleticism


Okay, 1. It's 2014. Why are you still handing out CDs? Just share your music on the Internet!, and 2. How can you expect me to give you money for a CD that I didn't ask for?

After declining to give him money, what if I hadn't relinquished the CD-R that he handed me? What if I just ran off with it? Would he chase me down?


How is this elderly woman swimming so fast?

Oh. She's wearing fins. Bah! Swimming laps with fins on is like running on a moving walkway.

Look at this bloke wearing a snorkel in a lap pool.


I step out of a hotel room shower and notice something on my left butt cheek in the opposing mirror.

Is that a mole?

I visit a dermatologist as soon as possible.

He says it's a benign tumour – a dermatofibroma.

How do I remove it?

Well, it can only be removed surgically, and surgery will leave a scar. Do you want a scarred ass, Jon?

No, but… So what, I just…


Walking toward Uncle 7 of 8's house in a guarded neighbourhood in Taipei, I see a Hispanic dude wearing a backpack walking toward me and gawk, as do a nanny and girl entering an apartment building.

We are all Mark Cuban.

Idea: A documentary on black people who live in Asia.


So… You have to pay to read The Onion in Taiwan.

"Only $0.99 for the first month" – how Comcastic.

Exploring Taipei gastronomically has been somewhat challenging, as Eater doesn't have a "Top 38 Restaurants" list or "Where to Eat Now" heat map for the city, and Yelp doesn't support Taiwan, which confounds me, as all I ever see on Yelp is reviews by Asian people.

The local equivalent of Yelp is, heh, iPeen, but it's in Chinese, and Google Translate, well…

I've contemplated expatriating to create an English-language Eater-like blog network for Asia. An impossible task, I know.

Hung-Poo is a real estate development company in Taiwan.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

21. The Red Supper (Hannibal, S02E13)


A Television Episode of the Year nominee.

Honourable Mention

  • TechCrunch Disrupt Competition Presentations (Silicon Valley, S01E07)
  • Don's Death (Fargo, S01E06)
  • Whiteout Pursuit (Fargo, S01E06)
  • Lightskin Awareness Foundation (Loiter Squad, S03E02)

Stray Observations

  • "Dad's tied up somewhere!"
    "[gasps] He's in a meeting, and he's going to be there for a while!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E22)
  • Bob's Burgers Season Grade: B-
  • The Amazing Race Season Grade: D
  • "Giant elliptical galaxies are something like…Florida, where the oldest stars in the universe may be found." (Cosmos, S01E11)
  • "I want you shopping all day, and screwing all night." (Mad Men, S07E06)
  • "You've seen your daughter for the year. Don't you have a plane to catch?" (Mad Men, S07E06)
  • RT: "The flood gates have opened! First FX let's the word fuck loose uncensored on Louie and now AMC let's one fly on Mad Men" (Mad Men, S07E06)
  • "I want you to feel good about what you're doing, but you'll never know. That's just the job."
    "What's the job?"
    "Living in the not knowing." (Mad Men, S07E06)
  • "You'd love Detroit. We could have a mansion." (Mad Men, S07E06)
  • "Man does not live only in the empirical world. He must seek the ephemeral, or why live?" (Penny Dreadful, S01E02)
  • "I've seen quite a few new companies. Spinder… It's like Tinder but for spinsters…" (Silicon Valley, S01E07)
  • "Do you have those spotlights that come up from the ground, like in PRIDE Fighting?" (Silicon Valley, S01E07)
  • "Death, glory, folly, tragedy – it's got all the four main mood groups." (Veep, S03E07)
  • "You know what 'intrinsic' means?"
    "Yeah, I try to learn a word a day. I love words very ardently." (Veep, S03E07)
  • "Fat people don't even vote! They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? There's no food in the voting booth…" (Veep, S03E07)
  • "I need to be driven to the airport at Diana speed." (Veep, S03E07)
  • Michelle Fairley's daughter looks like Sophie Turner – bizarro Catelyn and Sansa Stark (24, S09E04)
  • "I'm told you just shot two people out in front of the embassy."
    "I barely grazed them, sir."
    "How do you know that?"
    "Because I pulled the trigger." (24, S09E04)
  • "Christopher Columbus is a murderer. They want me to draw a picture of him smiling." (Louie, S04E05)
  • Whoa. Louis' love interest is Eva in Stranger Than Paradise, and this is her first acting role in 18 years (Louie, S04E05)
  • RT: "The J and L keys on Louie's phone weren't working at the beginning of the episode. He literally couldn't communicate about Jane and Lily" (Louie, S04E06)
  • "I love being with you. It's like my fourth favourite thing."
    "What are the first three?"
    "Uhh… Okay, number three… Riding elephants. Love it. Number two… Collecting hydrogen. My hydrogen collection is awesome. And number one would have to be…remembering being with you." (Louie, S04E06)
  • "Do you know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog." (Louie, S04E06)
  • From Dusk Till Dawn Season Grade: D+
  • Modern Family Season Grade: C
  • The Reagan paintings this season… (The Americans, S02E13)
  • Even in Stan's dream, Martha is stealing files off the mail robot (The Americans, S02E13)
  • "Paige is your daughter, but she's not just yours. She belongs to the cause, and to the world." (The Americans, S02E13)
  • The Americans Season Grade: B
  • "So, tell me about this American version of our beloved British Office."
    "So, instead of Dawn, for example, my character's name is Pam."
    "Bloody hell!"
    "Oh, and none of our cast members are outspoken about their atheism." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E03)
  • "Sweet Chin Music," "Figure Four Leg Lock," "Sharpshooter" – season three episodes of Loiter Squad are titled after wrestling finishing moves
  • "We are orchestrations of carbon, you and me." (Hannibal, S02E13)
  • "I died. I'm between deaths."
    "The punctuation at the end of a sentence gives meaning to every word, every space that proceeded it."
    "You moved my punctuation mark, Dr. Lecter. You moved my meaning." (Hannibal, S02E13)
  • Hannibal Season Grade: A


Jesteś Bogiem

So… Taipei's government blocks adamriff.com on the city's free public wi-fi.

I wonder if you can access adamriff.com at all in China.

Public urinals in Taipei flush automatically when you "approach" them, but you have to approach them to pee, so they flush before you pee.

Or do I just pee very close to urinals?

Don't bring chickens into subway stations, y'all.

Taiwanese television reminds me of this Saturday Night Live sketch. Seemingly every channel – on-screen text galore.

Turkish Delight

This billboard has EVERYTHING: Adam Sandler on an ostrich, Drew Barrymore in a parachute, an African savanna, four brunettes with the same hairstyle, Terry Crews holding a gold microphone…


RE: Godzilla

More like MUTOs (feat. Godzilla), amirite? Juliette Binoche has a larger role.

Standing at 355 feet tall, this film features the largest Godzilla in the entire franchise. [source]

The best part is the opening credits.

The worst part is the boy separated from his parents at the airport.

Godzilla was originally planned to be found preserved in a Siberian glacier. This was changed when the filmmakers saw that Man of Steel (2013) had a similar scene. [source]

Why cast Ken Watanabe if his character being Japanese is utterly irrelevant?

You Don't Know How Lucky You Are

This past weekend, my cousin Wayne,

cousin 16 of 18,

B's brother,

who was once literally in his father's doghouse, locked inside overnight as punishment,

who rented every single horror film at our local Blockbuster,

who was caught stealing copy machines from the Staples he worked at,

who ingested a bag of mushrooms before seeing Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas,

the cousin closest to me in age and proximity,

master player of Blast Corps and Twinsen's Odyssey,

he got married.

And now, I, cousin 17 of 18, am on the clock. Heh.

In defense of soy sauce as a wedding favour, the box containing the two bottles was pretty fancy. 60 tables x 12 guests = 720 fancy boxes.

Wikipedia » Wedding reception » Chinese culture » Food:

Traditionally, after the fifth dish of the dinner, the groom and bride and their families will approach each table to toast the guests.

Power hour.

B: Jon, this is Big Uncle's son [cousin 6 of 18].
Jon: Yes, we chatted yesterday.

He looked oddly younger than before, though, and his English was fobbier [cousin 6 of 18 was raised in Japan and is basically Japanese, so we have to converse in English].

I later learned that who I thought was Big Uncle's son was actually Big Aunt's son – cousin 9 of 18 – and felt slightly insulted that he felt the need to converse with me in English.

I need a Gary on Veep to brief me on relatives at family gatherings.

"This is uncle 7 of 8. Father of the groom. He is an instant noodles and soy sauce tycoon."

"This is cousin 3 of 18. She dated Jackie Chan…"

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

20. Mason Verger feeds his face to Will's dogs, eats his own nose (Hannibal, S02E12)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Music: Keaton Henson – "Flesh and Bone" (In the Flesh, S02E02)
  • Mr. Goiter, Lady Big Nose, Mr. Down There Hair, Henry Human Feet, Dr. Big Butt (Bob's Burgers, S04E21)
  • Stirring score for the final 90 seconds (Cosmos, S01E10)
  • "I'm sorry you no longer have a father." (Game of Thrones, S04E06)
  • Mort Drucker reference! (Mad Men, S07E05)
  • RT: "By the end of the series, I *will* be Clarinet Negro #2 on Mad Men" (Mad Men, S07E05)
  • "I'm not stupid! I speak Italian!" (Mad Men, S07E05)
  • I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by computers, slicing hysterical nipple (Mad Men, S07E05)
  • Jared's self-driving car story is TOO absurd (Silicon Valley, S01E06)
  • "What is 'Marimba, America'?"
    "Marimba, that alarm that's on your phone when you wake up. It's like, 'Wake up, America!'" (Veep, S03E06)
  • "In my country, politics is a lot more honest."
    "In your country, people fuck snow – and I hope you understand that I say that with the utmost respect." (Veep, S03E06)
  • Prey Season Grade: C+
  • Top Chef Canada Season Grade: C
  • 24: A show about damaged people combatting terrorism (24, S09E03)
  • "Parliament" (24, S09E03)
  • How do the guards at the embassy not recognize Jack Bauer? (24, S09E03)
  • "Don't say no. No is stupid. No is for queers.'" (Louie, S04E03)
  • "And here's to you, Mrs. Pee Pee Face…" (Louie, S04E04)
  • "Only a fool thinks he can solve the world's problems."
    "Yeah, but you got to try, don't you?" (Fargo, S01E05)
  • "It was the Romans, wasn't it?"
    "What are you saying?"
    "St. Lawrence, your window. The Romans burned him alive."
    "They did."
    "You know why?"
    "'Cause he was Christian."
    "Maybe. But I think it was because the Romans were raised by wolves. Greatest empire in human history, founded by wolves. You know what wolves do. They hunt. They kill. It's why I never bought into The Jungle Book. Boy is raised by wolves, he becomes friends with a bear and a panther. I don't think so. I knew a guy once, had a 110-pound Rottweiler, and one night this girl thought it would be funny to get down on all fours and let the dog hump her. Dog still had its balls. Well, the dog gets up there, but he's not in on the joke. This is just a bitch in heat as far as he's concerned, and he's not leaving until he gets what he came for. Well, the girl, too late, realizes the kind of mistake she's made, she wants to get up. But the dog had other ideas. Had to shoot it behind the ear to get it off her."
    "I don't…"
    "Well, I'm saying that the Romans, raised by wolves, they see a guy turning water into wine, what do they do? They eat him, 'cause there are no saints in the animal kingdom, only breakfast and dinner." (Fargo, S01E05)
  • A post-coital condom pass/tissue wipe on television! (The Americans, S02E12)
  • Shark Tank Season Grade: B
  • "Whenever feasible, one should always try to eat the rude."
    "Free range rude." (Hannibal, S02E12)
  • "Hannibal can get lost in self-congratulation at his own exquisite taste and cunning. Whimsy, that will be how he will get caught." (Hannibal, S02E12)
  • "Whomever's pursuing whom at this very moment, I intend to eat them." (Hannibal, S02E12)

RT: "Michael Pitt runs his lines" (Hannibal, S02E12)

  • Saturday Night Live Season Grade: C


I got the jam but not the bread

I have not traveled outside of North America since 2004, and have not returned to the motherland since 1996.

A 13h 45m flight sounds excruciating to 31-year-old me, but, at the end of the painbow… all-I-can-eat wax apples!

Best fruit: 1. Watermelon, 2. Wax apple, 3. White peach.

[looks for a hotel in atlanta on hotwire]

3½ stars, but only 50% recommended. Hmm… 3½ stars can't be that bad.

[books hotel]

Meliá Hotel.

[consults google]

Huh. 2 stars on Yelp. One, two, three, four consecutive recent 1 star reviews. I've stayed in crappy hotels before, though. As long as the wif—"wonky wifi, wifi didn't work, pitifully slow wifi, internet is completely unusable, internet is 1970s slow, it is even worse than dial-up."

[checks gmail]

"All bookings are final and no changes or refunds are allowed."

Well, fuck.

Grosse Ile

Would you rather just miss a bus on a Sunday, or have your genitals mutilated?

You know how on some airplanes, you can send text messages from your seat to other seats? Idea: A car-to-car chat platform. Instead of honking or flipping the bird, send (dictate) a text message.

Idea: A Showcase Showdown wheel Easter egg for iOS' default alarm clock app.

Things I dream about: Gorbachav, a chav with a port-wine stain on his forehead.

How is there no Thai restaurant in Tuscaloosa named "Crimson Thai"?

as seen on eBay

Graphic Novel Title Idea: Church and Stake. A frosty deacon vs. Deacon Frost?

If you watch Cosmos and then you watch Man of Steel — Neil before Zod.

If you watch Marathon Man and then you watch Labyrinth — David after dentist.

Defended Semaphore

Ben: i can't stop listening to 5 seconds of summer
Jon: the american apparel song?
Ben: yes
Jon: …
Ben: man the HOOK

Mash-Up Idea: "5 Seconds of Summer Girls."

You look so perfect standing there
In my American Apparel underwear
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer

I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch
I'd take her if I had one wish
And I know now that I'm so down

I heard someone on a podcast say "if these walls could talk" and thought of a chat show à la The View on which the panelists are all chunks of walls – Great Wall, Berlin Wall…

"Sitting in for Wailing Wall today is Washington Wizards point guard John Wall."