I rock yellow on some yellow like what purple is to Prince

I see this decal on cars in my area:

I just realized today that it reads "he is greater than I" and not "Heki."


Last Black Friday, I bought this hoodie, not knowing what the letters meant:

I just liked the design. "YO M-B."

I didn't realize until, like, May of this year that I had been misreading the letters. It's not "YO M-B," it's "MYOB," as in "mind your own business."

Oh… That's why it was called "Business Hoodie."


Darrell Hammond was on Saturday Night Live for 14 seasons, during which time no one ever thought of this as a Celebrity Jeopardy! category?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

47. Brimful of Asha (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E04)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "How's it looking?"
    "Your girlfriend is gonna love this one, bro."
    "No, it's not my girlfriend, it's my mom."
    "Your mom?"
    "Mhmm."
    "Bro, you should've told me that before I started working on these titties." (Shameless, S08E02)
  • "Tandy, I appreciate your efforts, but I think I'm just too tired to be stimulated nipple-arily." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E06)
  • "Hey, Care Bear, would you feel better if I stayed up all night and watched your vagina?"
    "You would do that for me?"
    "I would do that for a lot of people, but tonight, yes, it's for you." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E06)
  • "Carol, columns could crumble, the moon could explode, a banshee could scream in the very face of time, and I will not stop watching this vagina." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E06)
  • "I follow the golden rule, okay? 'Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you' – the golden rule."
    "I follow the golden rule too – my friend Jasper Golden. 'Fuck them or they'll fuck you.'" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
  • "I don't want some post-sex guy walking around my house, okay? Now get out."
    "First of all, there's nothing wrong with people having the scent of fuck on their body."
    "I don't like the scent of fuck, okay? Sue me. I don't like fuck scent." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
  • "Gorgeous Romanian?! That's an oxymoron." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
  • "You have two children, heating and air-conditioning. You have to pick one, the one you had an affinity for, and the other one goes into the concentration camp. Which one you gonna keep?"
    "Heat. Go with heat."
    "So air conditioning's going to the concentration camp." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
  • "Fuck this $25,000 tiger." (Vice Principals, S02E09)
  • Vice principal Stevie Janowski (Vice Principals, S02E09)
  • Vice Principals Season Grade: C+
  • Jason Jordan fighting back tears and saying, "This is the one time that Raw and SmackDown go head-to-head in direct competition" (WWE Raw, 11-13-17)
  • "Grandma, I know what movie you should do for your ESL final monologue: The Sandlot."
    "I told you, nothing with Denis Leary." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E07)
  • "This is a huge opportunity. Governor Filucci is the real deal. He served in the Gulf War. He speaks Punjabi. He authored a crossword puzzle for the New York Times."
    "Let me guess. Monday?" (The Mayor, S01E07)
  • "A Nakatomi Plaza cake?! The groom is on a licorice hose!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E06)
  • "Kai, will you relax? Let me make you a Manwich."
    "Fuck a Manwich!" (American Horror Story, S07E11)
  • "Fortify yourselves with some vitamin A!" (American Horror Story, S07E11)
  • "It was your idea to cut off his face." (American Horror Story, S07E11)
  • "Killing people doesn't get the men hard and the ladies wet anymore, but Americans lose their ever-loving shit when you destroy their symbols, statues, flags, pledges of allegiance, $20 bills, white Jesus, and Merry fucking Christmas! You come for any of that stuff, you've got rioting in the streets and domination of the news cycle for weeks." (American Horror Story, S07E11)
  • "You were wrong. There is something more dangerous in this world than a humiliated man: A nasty woman." (American Horror Story, S07E11)
  • American Horror Story Season Grade: B-
  • Mar-a-Lago (Mr. Robot, S03E06)
  • "Another fine choice of venue by Sergei."
    "Utterly tasteless."
    "I passed that buffoon of an owner in the lobby. You gonna take him up on his offer to go boating tomorrow?"
    "Oh, please, don't remind me. Those swim trunks he insists upon wearing, a bit too snug. And a bit too short, wouldn't you say?"
    "Mm. I believe the appropriate term is 'hanging brain.'" (Mr. Robot, S03E06)
  • ♫: Slothrust – "Like A Child Hiding Behind Your Tombstone" (You're the Worst, S04E13)
  • You're the Worst Season Grade: D+
  • Better Things Season Grade: C
  • The Walking Dead + Breaking Bad + Talking Bad (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E04)
  • "Why are Republicans trying so hard to protect Roy Moore from this case? It's not like he wrote the remix to 'Ignition'…" (Saturday Night Live, S43E06)
  • "I've always wanted to fuck Luigi. I love Italian dick. I bet Luigi's dick, the whole dick is hairy. The whole dick. He has a dragon that shits eggs like a chicken. That's fucking dope." (Future Man, S01E01)
  • "I'm really sorry, Stu."
    "Sorry doesn't re-swab those urethras." (Future Man, S01E01)
  • "Now, what was I talking about?"
    "Uh, herpes."
    "Oh, yes, of course. I'll never forget the night I contracted it. It was the night of the moon landing."
    "That is a historic moment to contract herpes." (Future Man, S01E01)
  • "I'm like, I don't even remember buying this. Then I realized it was my dad's Fleshlight." (Future Man, S01E04)
  • "It's like macaroons for my nose!" (Future Man, S01E04)
  • Kombucha-boarding (Future Man, S01E04)
  • "No more, please! I can't take it! It's too tart!" (Future Man, S01E04)
  • "Morris, 'buch him." (Future Man, S01E04)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


Dilly Dilly

My work's weekly staff video conference always opens with a survey question. This week's question: What was the first album you owned?

Jon: 2 Live Crew – As Nasty As They Wanna Be.
The Rest of the Staff: [pause]


I am driving the boy and girl home from school.

Jon: What time did you wake up this morning?
The Boy: 7:00am.
Jon: That late?
The Girl: No, 5:00am…and you are listening to Los Angeles!

Did she just reference Soul Coughing's "Screenwriter's Blues"?

I come upon Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" on the radio.

The Boy: Is this a remix?


The boy now dresses like Edgar on You're the Worst.


I drop the boy off for swimming at a local community college.

Whenever I see Asian students at a community college, I wonder if their parents are disappointed. Their parents are probably just undocumented, though, or desperate for their children to attend college in America.

We do it different on the west coast

Why is Cash Cab returning as Cash Cab and not Cash Uber?

Idea: Casino Monopoly. Play Monopoly with real money (as chips). A dealer is the banker. For accessibility, all dollar amounts are one-tenth of the board game's. Instead of beginning with $1500, the buy-in to play is $150. Receive $20 as you pass Go. Mediterranean Avenue is $6, Boardwalk is $40. If you need more money, you can mortgage properties or just open your wallet. A game ends when one player goes bankrupt.

Idea: A roast of Louis C.K. with a dais of women he was sexually inappropriate with. At the end, Louis roasts the dais for admiring him.

Idea: A Coca-Cola Freestyle machine, but for beer. Create your own beer cocktail. Beer concentrate exists.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

It's a tie!

46a. Gamby vs. Russell (Vice Principals, S02E08)

46b. Escort for Nathan (Nathan For You, S04E07)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Wait. I know that I've said this a lot, but this time I mean it. We should put leaves in our underwear." (Bob's Burgers, S08E04)
  • "Liam, how was school today?"
    "Okay. Some cracker told me my life mattered." (Shameless, S08E01)
  • "Well, these stairs are an obvious hazard, but nothing a couple packing peanuts can't fix."
    "Packing peanuts?"
    "Yeah, packing peanuts. You don't want our baby getting SIFILISS."
    "Syphilis."
    "SIFILISS."
    "Syphilis."
    "SIFILISS. You know, Sudden Infant Falling Into Large Indoor Spaces Syndrome?"
    "Oh, I thought you meant the other one."
    "No, I'm talking about the bad one." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E05)
  • "I'm baby-proofing, and you are doing the reverse. You're…foorpybab-ing."
    "I am not, Carol, and I take offense at that, okay? If anything, I'm doing the reverse of foorpybab-ing. I'm, uhh…babbyprof-ing." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E05)
  • "I'd rather play with a fast Manson than a slow Funkhauser." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E06)
  • "A stabbing range where you stab dummies." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E06)
  • "The fuck is this? A spaceship on a ladder?"
    "I think it's a train."
    "On a ladder?" (Vice Principals, S02E08)


(Vice Principals, S02E08)

  • "Today, me and my sister were spying on Lee in the bathroom when we caught him standing on the bathroom sink inspecting his own asshole in the mirror." (Vice Principals, S02E08)
  • ♫: Big Black Delta – "Roost" (Vice Principals, S02E08)
  • "Take a pear and get out there, woman gay." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E06)
  • "I'd like to bet $20,000 on Yabba Dabba Doo." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
  • "Addiction is nothing to fool around with. I had food issues. I ate a crate of hams once." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
  • "Murder Truck" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
  • "Oh no, he is deep in the ham crate." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
  • "I'm glad you get your money back. You can invest it in something you actually believe in instead of my balls." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
  • ♫: Harry Styles – "Sign of the Times" (Riverdale, S02E05)
  • "I don't know anything. I'm just a turtle." (South Park, S21E07)
  • Elliott's employee number is 07-23-91, the date that birthed the Mandela Effect (Mr. Robot, S03E05)
  • ♫: Blues Traveler – "Run-Around" (Mr. Robot, S03E05)
  • Elliot running into the room from which Angela came out (Mr. Robot, S03E05)


(The Late Late Show with James Corden, 11-08-17)


(Nathan For You, S04E07)

  • "Mud 2: Never Clean" (Nathan For You, S04E07)
  • "We had successfully transformed the church social hall I had rented into a ballroom fit for Cinderella herself, and Bill looked like the spitting image of Alex Sanford in the thick-rimmed non-prescription glasses we had purchased from Sam's Club." (Nathan For You, S04E07)
  • There was a hidden message in the closed captions (Nathan For You, S04E07)
  • "We decided to do a role reversal exercise using a wig I had picked up from a store down the block." (Nathan For You, S04E07)
  • "When we got back to the hotel that night, there was a bee on the loose." (Nathan For You, S04E07)
  • Nathan For You Season Grade: A-
  • Zelda secret sound (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E03)
  • GoldenEye N64 opening (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E03)
  • "And Tolkie got freaky with a Banjo-Kazooie runner, Stephanie Bobo." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E03)
  • "Raccoons cannot resist some peanut butter titties." (Lady Dynamite, S02E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


God and Bumble Bee held my hand



Which one should I try first?

Oreo is both a flavour and a vehicle for other flavours.

Salted caramel Oreos? Check.
Cinnamon roll Oreos? Check.
Mountain Dew… Not yet.

Does Oreo soda exist? Oreo cream soda.

"Absinthe basil bliss chicken patties" is the new…

"vegan sweet potato wellness cookie."

Smoked moonshine and BBQ seasoned chicken sausage also exists.

Wrong Heads Disney Wrong Ears Wrong Legs

More American Film Market commodities:

Set in 1930s prohibition, a corrupt cop discovers that the popular speakeasy in town has been infiltrated by vampires. [source]

A group of sex party attendees wake up naked in the snow. In the nearby cabin they find a dead girl and a message: In order to survive, they must decide who is responsible for the girl's death and murder that person accordingly. [source]

No shoes on the rug, leave them at the door

Catching up on news out of this year's American Film Market…

China Salesman
A humble Chinese cell phone salesman somehow averts a civil war in Africa, featuring an eight-minute fight sequence between Mike Tyson and Steven Seagal.


The Bombing
Bruce Willis trains Chinese troops in WWII drama, which features art direction by Mel Gibson.


Vestige
Described as "Ex Machina meets Black Swan and Whiplash." Mickey Rourke and Anne Heche have signed up.

Set in a forlorn future controlled by artificial intelligence, the story centers around a distraught Olympian figure skater who must overcome her demons and attempt to escape her infinite world to compete for the Winter Olympics against androids.

Lawrence Krauss, world-renowned theoretical physicist and best-selling author of A Universe From Nothing has also signed on to attach artificial intelligence and robotics companies to the film.


Circus Kane
Jonathan Lipnicki horror film sees a reclusive circus master invite a group of social media stars to his house of haunts. Anyone who can make it out before being scared into submission will earn $250,000.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


45. I wish it didn't have to be so bad (Wendy, 10-31-17)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • The Deuce Season Grade: B+
  • Chet Haze (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E05)
  • "The mail woman has stopped delivering since our date."
    "Had the same situation with a girl at Burger King. Haven't had a Whopper in fuckin' three years." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E05)
  • "There's also a post office credo. They should put 'spite' in there. Neither rain nor snow nor heat nor spite shall keep these couriers." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E05)
  • "Bloody promises, bloody tips. This is how a pact is made." (Vice Principals, S02E07)
  • "If this works out for Junior, he could put us in public school."
    "What is that even like?"
    [cut to Jack and Diane watching Dangerous Minds] (Black-ish, S04E05)
  • "Be brutal."
    "Simon Cowell brutal or O.J. brutal?" (The Mayor, S01E04)
  • Evan Peters as Marshall Applewhite, David Koresh, and Jim Jones (American Horror Story, S07E09)
  • "I found this on wikiHow."
    "'How to escape from a cult.'" (American Horror Story, S07E09)
  • Evan Peters as Jesus Christ high-fiving Evan Peters as Jim Jones (American Horror Story, S07E09)
  • "Doubters get no cookies!" (American Horror Story, S07E09)
  • "The bed is for family." (American Horror Story, S07E09)


Dave Grohl as David Letterman (Jimmy Kimmel Live!, 10-31-17)

  • "Betty's ponytail is iconic and beyond reproach." (Riverdale, S02E04)
  • "Hey! Stay away from those lemons! Just because they're hanging over the sidewalk doesn't mean they're free! You people act like I don't need these lemons, but I do! I need them very badly!" (You're the Worst, S04E10)
  • "Mmm! This is good!"
    "It's Country Time. My lemons aren't juicing lemons." (You're the Worst, S04E10)
  • Rashad Jennings (Great News, S02E06)
  • "Vow Chicka Vow Vow: Exploring Marital Relations" (Great News, S02E06)
  • "Max, the dog is eating your pussy blood again!" (Better Things, S02E08)
  • "So you're saying you pleasure yourself so much at home that it doesn't affect you at work?"
    "Correct." (Nathan For You, S04E06)


(Nathan For You, S04E06)

  • "So when most people are thinking of sex, you're thinking of Aquaman?" (Nathan For You, S04E06)


(Nathan For You, S04E06)


(Nathan For You, S04E06)

  • Full Doubtfire (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E02)
  • Dick slip (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E02)
  • "Making fun of someone with a disability is retarded." (Saturday Night Live, S43E04)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


Pleasure Suck

I wait a day to post this and Khaled drops out. [grumbling]


Shawn Marion and Cedric Ceballos are a team on the next Amazing Race?

And they're racing against Joey Chestnut and Eater X?!

Wikipedia » Tim Janus:

On November 21, 2007, Janus helped draw attention to the plight of New York City's homeless by consuming a Thanksgiving meal for four, including a 10-pound turkey, four pounds of mashed potatoes, three pounds of cranberry sauce, 2½ pounds of beans, and a pumpkin pie.

On August 28, 2013, Deadspin released a video of Janus' attempt to become, in his words, "the first person in the history of the world to get legally drunk (.08) on" non-alcoholic beer. In the video, Janus drinks 28 cans and bottles of various non-alcoholic beers and then blows into a breathalyzer. A .02 reading is recorded, leading Janus to conclude that if he can't get drunk on O'Doul's, nobody can.


Where is Patrick O'Bryant now?

Wikipedia » Patrick O'Bryant:

In November 2013, O'Bryant signed with Taiwan Beer of the Super Basketball League. On April 24, 2016, O'Bryant won the Final's MVP award while playing for Taiwan Beer.

Taiwan Beer?

Wikipedia » Taiwan Beer (basketball):

The Taiwan Beer Basketball Team is a semi-professional basketball team in the Super Basketball League (SBL) in Taiwan sponsored by the Taiwan Tobacco and Liquor Corporation (TTL).

Before the privatization of the sponsoring corporation in 1999, the team was named "Taiwan Tobacco and Wine Monopoly Bureau Golden Dragons."

Why is there no Taiwan Beer (basketball) merch?!

Pacific Goons

What is this hoodie doing here?

A Hamilton hoodie.

Did Stan [my brother] see Hamilton? Always buying souvenir clothing…


Stan: Hey, this is yours.

My brother hands me said Hamilton hoodie.

Jon: Uhh… Okay…

Did he buy me a Hamilton hoodie? Why would he do that? Did it not fit him? Did one of his friends not want his or hers?


My Father: Hey, is this hoodie yours?
Jon: Uhh…

My father inspects said Hamilton hoodie.

Jon: If you want it, you can have it.
My Father: Sweet!

Had he been eyeing that hoodie?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

44. Sacred Copulation (American Horror Story, S07E08)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • Anton Chigurh Halloween costume (Bob's Burgers, S08E03)
  • Mombie Halloween costume (Bob's Burgers, S08E03)
  • "What the hell was that?"
    "The wolf."
    "No, wolves howl. That was not a howl."
    "It sounded like the noise I made when Felicity cut her hair." (Bob's Burgers, S08E03)
  • "I hope you got your shittin' pants on."
    "What?"
    "Your shittin' pants. I hope you're wearing 'em right now, 'cause you…are about to shit your pants." (The Walking Dead, S08E01)
  • "I just shot a nigga. Come and get him." (The Deuce, S01E07)
  • ♫: The Kinks – "Strangers" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E04)
  • "Those pants might've been manufactured in a country that has small penises."
    "So these pants fit the penis from whence they came."
    "You're goddamn right. Why would they make a little fly in a country with big ass dicks? See, I'm-a tell you, I don't have that problem, 'cause I buy my shit from Jamaica." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E04)
  • "There's been a breach of the patient-doctor confidentiality." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E04)
  • "I like eating nachos and lip-syncing. I always have." (Vice Principals, S02E06)
  • Juggalo Halloween costume (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E04)
  • Craig and Smokey from Friday Halloween costumes (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E04)
  • "Explain yourself."
    "I'm Prince, and this is the one time of year I can wear a plunging neckline." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E04)
  • "Oh, what a lovely, uh…pimp and ho?"
    "My son is Willy Wonka and I'm not in costume." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E04)
  • "Everything in Orlando used to be a strip club." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E04)


(WWE SmackDown Live, 10-24-17)

  • "This is Black Monopoly, so let me break down the rules for you, all right? No side-coaching. No gifting of money, but loans are allowed."
    "Just know you're never gonna get your money back."
    "You cannot collect rent while you're in jail, and Pops does not pay income tax."
    "Reparations." (Black-ish, S04E04)
  • Maxine Waters Halloween costume (The Mayor, S01E04)
  • Fidget spinner Halloween costume (The Mayor, S01E04)
  • "Ohhh, Maxine Waters, look out! She's about to reclaim her time!" (The Mayor, S01E04)
  • Hell house (American Horror Story, S07E08)
  • "As he enters you, I will enter him." (American Horror Story, S07E08)
  • "There's no such thing as gay or straight. You have to lean into your masculinity." (American Horror Story, S07E08)
  • "This recipe also works for chicken, known as the fish of the ground." (At Home with Amy Sedaris, S01E01)
  • "Cheese will work with you if you let it." (At Home with Amy Sedaris, S01E01)
  • "Von Mueller's: Not just Hitler's syrup. The Kaiser loved it too." (At Home with Amy Sedaris, S01E01)
  • 10 Michael Jacksons Halloween costumes (Speechless, S02E05)


(Riverdale, S02E03)

  • Channel Zero: No-End House Season Grade: C
  • Custard's Last Flan, Panna Cotta Da Vida (The Good Place, S02E07)
  • "I love my New York life."
    "Really? 'Cause it seems like from your Instagram that you're always laying in bed trying to win some #CrazyForDoritos contest."
    "Trying to win? They invited me to the Cool Ranch." (Great News, S02E05)
  • "Katie, you're trying to have a life that does not belong to you, like Dr. Faustus, my gynecologist who turned out to be Andy Dick doing a prank." (Great News, S02E05)
  • "Now this'll be really scary, right? Like the time I was naked and I looked at a mirror on the floor?" (Great News, S02E05)
  • "How did you know my name was Katie?"
    "Girl, you're all named 'Katie.'" (Great News, S02E05)
  • "Between taking care of my three adorable children, Grayson, Mason and my unborn gay son Gayson…" (Great News, S02E05)
  • "If you were just to…taste my dick." (Better Things, S02E07)


(Nathan For You, S04E05)

  • "I took Eddie off guitar, and he's gonna be on smoke detector for this one." (Nathan For You, S04E05)
  • ♫: The Banzai Predicament – "Orphaned Skies" (Nathan For You, S04E05)
  • "So to frame Shell for this theft…" (Nathan For You, S04E05)
  • "How do you feel when you see this image of a bird covered in oil?"
    "I feel okay. I feel all right. I don't feel nothing. It's like, fun day at the beach." (Nathan For You, S04E05)
  • An American Werewolf in London (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E01)
  • "That's just our pit bull, Featuring Ludacris. He won't hurt you guys, will you, Featuring Ludacris? Are you a good featured artist?" (Big Mouth, S01E04)
  • "Magic is not gay. It transcends sexuality." (Big Mouth, S01E04)
  • "My dear boy, I make this vow: No cum shall enter your tummy." (Big Mouth, S01E04)
  • "Look at all these houses. You never know how many people are inside eating jizz." (Big Mouth, S01E04)
  • "You ever actually fuck a tomato? It's like fucking a sneeze."
    "Wait, you find a sneeze sexual?"
    "Ooh, I find everything sexual."
    "What about a chair?"
    "Sit on it, brother."
    "An airplane?"
    "Big dick flying through the sky."
    "What about a button-down shirt?"
    "You mean a gaping butthole and 10 clits?" (Big Mouth, S01E05)
  • Veronica's Closet (Big Mouth, S01E05)
  • "Jazz is like life. It goes on for longer than you think, and then as soon as you're like, 'Oh, I get it,' it ends." (Big Mouth, S01E06)
  • "Teepee, fat guy, sideways moon, other fat guy, sideways comb." (Big Mouth, S01E07)
  • "Hockey stick, coffee stain, water cooler cup, sideways comb." (Big Mouth, S01E07)
  • Whitney Houston (Big Mouth, S01E08)
  • "Wow. You taste so much better than my bath mat." (Big Mouth, S01E08)


"What? You've never seen a hormone monster's Jewish penis eat dumpster scallops?" (Big Mouth, S01E09)

  • Big Mouth Season Grade: C+
  • "I hate this overpriced bullshit!" (Stranger Things, S02E01)


(Stranger Things, S02E01)

  • "No one wants to be Winston, man." (Stranger Things, S02E02)
  • Flaming squirrel attack (Stranger Things, S02E02)
  • "No one likes 3 Musketeers." (Stranger Things, S02E02)


(Stranger Things, S02E05)

  • "So, Jonathan, how was the pull-out?" (Stranger Things, S02E02)
  • Punky Brewster (Stranger Things, S02E07)
  • Justice for Bob (Stranger Things, S02E10)
  • Stranger Things Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

Eater's Digest: Toronto 4

Previously on Adam Riff™:


September 2017
doma / p.g. cluck's / le gourmand / flock / p.g. cluck's / death in venice / canis / the fix / jackpot chicken rice / eative film cafe / otto's berlin döner / levetto / the fix / the black hoof / death in venice / flock / uncle mikey's / a game cafe / baro / momofuku daishō / carver / eative film cafe / rasa / wong's ice cream / foxley / the dock ellis sports bar / bake shoppe / square fish / moo frites / schmaltz appetizing / wong's ice cream / lake inez / the carbon bar / grey gardens / brothers / yogen früz / richtree natural market / tasty's caribbean



Pho Horse Carpaccio (The Black Hoof)
burnt ginger mayo, salsa verde, bean sprouts, lime

^ Raw horse meat flavoured to taste just like pho.


Surf and Turf (The Black Hoof)
tomatillo salad

^ Raw shrimp and a pig's feet croquette.


"Clam Chowder" (The Black Hoof)
pickerel cheeks, pickled clams, celery, goldfish crackers

^ A cold remix of the "Pickerel Cheek Potato Salad Thing" listed on the restaurant's website.


(YamChops) is a "plant-based butcher shop." All of the meat in its deli cases is fake.



Tuna Doshi [Donut Sushi] (Square Fish)
bottom: crispy rice with cheese; top: sushi rice, avocado, black sesame; basics: lettuce, crab meat salad, seaweed salad, edamame, sweet corn, mango, cucumber, tempura bits, tobiko, scallion, with house special spicy aioli

^ Disappointingly, not a donut topped with raw fish, but rather a difficult-to-eat stack of poke bowl ingredients. Its base is rice wrapped in cheese and deep-fried until crispy, because sure.


(Wong's Ice Cream) is my new favourite ice creamery in North America. Its cups are Chinese take-out containers.

Dark Chocolate Five-Spice Sorbet (Wong's Ice Cream)
—The richest chocolate sorbet I have ever consumed. It tastes like how a Chinese herb shop smells.

Sriracha Buttered Popcorn Ice Cream (Wong's Ice Cream)
—The sriracha manifests as an aftertaste.

Coconut Mango Sticky Rice Ice Cream (Wong's Ice Cream)
—Contains actual sticky rice.

Black Sesame Ice Cream with Salted Duck Egg (Wong's Ice Cream)
—Like a Chinese version of Baskin-Robbins' Peanut Butter 'N Chocolate Ice Cream.

Hong Kong Milk Tea Ice Cream (Wong's Ice Cream)
Blond Kinako Brown Butter Ice Cream (Wong's Ice Cream)
Pine Needle Pink Lychee Ice Cream (Wong's Ice Cream)


Pad Thai Gelato (Death in Venice)
fish sauce, soy sauce, peanuts, coriander, lime juice, milk, cinnamon, hint of chilli, ginger, and sugar
—Well balanced.

Chocolate Basil Pesto Gelato with Balsamic Reduction (Death in Venice)
Peanut Butter and Croissant Gelato (Death in Venice)



Ruffles Marshmallow Bar (Bake Shoppe)

^ I thought this was a Rice Krispies Treat coated in Ruffles, but it's actually a Rice Krispies Treat made with Ruffles instead of Rice Krispies – and it's works!

Brown Butter Nutella Cookie (Bake Shoppe)
—A chocolate chip cookie with Nutella instead of chocolate chips.


To me, (Doma) was the best of Toronto's best new restaurants of 2017 that I tried [I tried five out of seven]. Its menu changes monthly with some dishes held over.


Gochujang Ratatouille (Doma)
roasted red pepper, tomato, eggplant, zucchini, tofu steak, gochujang

^


Grilled Octopus (Doma)
cabbage, konyak, bell pepper, pear, seaweed, pickled mustard seeds, korean mustard dressing, cucumber granita

^ The octopus I could take or leave. Its accompaniments, however, were scrumptious.


To me, (Canis) was the worst of Toronto's best new restaurants of 2017 that I tried.

I didn't feel like I was getting my money's worth out of its tasting menu, and then this hoss arrived, as if to say, "Here's your money's worth, bitch.":


Duck, Cabbage, Pearl Onion (Canis)

^ Only the sliced half was edible, though.


OG Duck Chaufa (Baro)
duck confit, rice, edamame, egg, papi kung fu, chile, tobiko, corn
—$35 duck fried rice! Albeit with bits of socorrat. Still, $35!

Also at (Baro): $15 chips and guac!



I sought (Lake Inez) out for its Sichuan-Style Lamb Pappardelle, but alas, the dish had been dropped from its menu.


Fazoletti Verde (Lake Inez)
'handkerchief' pasta with tiger shrimp, fermented chillies, grilled veg, cashews, lime juice, fish sauce

^ A swell consolation dish.

I was amused to discover six or seven single-use washrooms downstairs.



Gigli (Grey Gardens)
cheddar, hot sauce, paprika

^ $21 mac and cheese.

I don't understand this dish. Why is it served with hot sauce on the side? If I'm supposed to eat it with hot sauce, then it should be served with hot sauce already added. This isn't Taco Bell.



Sweetbreads, Creamed Corn (Brothers)

^ Another confusing dish.



Jalapeño and Honey Fried Chicken Sandwich (P.G. Clucks)
honey-dipped chicken, sweet pickled jalapeños, fermented jalapeño sauce, ranch sauce

^ I saw someone receive this sandwich with a honey cruller as the bun and assumed that its bun was a honey cruller. Nope. You have to request a honey cruller as its bun or you will receive it with a standard bun.


TORONTO FOOD TRENDS

ˇ VARIATIONS ON A BIG MAC


Big Cluck (P.G. Clucks)
two pieces of chicken, lettuce, pickles, onions, american cheese, mac sauce


Sir John A McDonald (Big House Pizza)
ground all-beef patties, cheddar cheese, pickles, onion, on a sesame seed crust; topped with lettuce, special sauce

ˇ ADDING CHARCOAL TO STUFF

ˇ RAW SEA BREAM


ORTS

Sea Bream Ceviche with Yuzu and Shiso (Foxley)

Bagel Bread Pudding (Schmaltz Appetizing)
—Unpalatable in both taste and texture.

Cereal Killa Prawns (Jackpot Chicken Rice)
butterflied jumbo shrimp, wheat cereal, red chilli, curry leaf, golden egg floss

Complimentary Chili Brown Butter Popcorn (Rasa)


Grasshopper (The Fix)
french mint ice cream, chocolate coating, crushed candy cane, chocolate pearls, fresh mint

Kare Trippa (Uncle Mikey's)
tripe, s&b curry, parmigiano reggiano, grilled sourdough
—A delectable tripe curry.

The Kentucky Pecan Pie (The Carbon Bar)
pecans, 72% bitter chocolate, lot 40 rye cream, pecan brittle


Milk Sorbet, Walnut, White Chocolate (Canis)

Peking Duck Pizza (Levetto)
duck, cucumber, and scallion salad; hoisin sauce, duck crackling

Sweet Ontario Corn (Uncle Mikey's)
grilled, served off the cob; kimchi duck fat, canadian feta


MISSED CONNECTIONS


Ziggy Stardust Disco Egg (La Banane)

^ A hand-painted chocolate egg filled with chocolate truffles. I trekked to (La Banane) to try one, but then learned that one costs $50.


$45 Caviar Bagel (Schmaltz Appetizing)
50 grams of american sturgeon caviar with sliced eggs and cream cheese


French Tacos (Mister Frenchy)

Burritos that contain Chow Mein Noodles instead of Rice (Chino Locos)


Mac and Cheeto Burrito (Junked Food Co.)
creamy cheddar mac and cheese, flamin' hot cheetos, lettuce, pico de gallo, cheddar, black olives, sour cream, chili sauce, and jalapeño in a tortilla wrap


Cheese Ribs (James Cheese Back Ribs)
pork back ribs slow-cooked and roasted in house korean bbq sauce; served over molten mozzarella cheese

^ Wyd, Korea?


Shrimp Toast with Laksa Sauce (Jackpot Chicken Rice)
chinese dough fritter, crab paste, coconut curry

^ Youtiao as the bread.

Charred Scallop Ceviche (Jackpot Chicken Rice)
pei scallop, watermelon, chrysanthemum, jalapeño, fried garlic, nam chim

Grilled Beef Heart with Chili Lime Salsa (Foxley)


Roasted Pig's Head Nachos (Bar Hop)


Lobster Nachos (Good Catch Boil House)

Jerk Lasagna (Rasta Pasta)
jerk chicken nestled between layers of lasagna in your choice of alfredo or rose sauce

Jerk Shawarma (Chris Jerk)


Habanero Cruller (Richmond Station)
oolong, coconut, juniper, lime, pineapple, banana mint


Cucumber and Gin (Richmond Station)
jasmine pudding, cucumber jellies, gin lime cloud, jasmine rice sherbet


Toronto Island (The Fix)
vanilla soft serve, lake blue jelly, boat and human cookies


My Little Pony: The Movie Frozen Yogurt (Yogurty's)
blue: white chocolate; pink: cotton candy


Summer Halo Halo (Lake Inez)
strawberry sorbet, coconut granita, cherries, peach gelée, stewed plums, thai basil, rice krispies


Chocolate Bourbon Skull (The Carbon Bar)
bitter chocolate, woodford reserve butter ganache, pecan


Named after Weezer's second album.


Sooo… Queens Pizzeria?

#eatersdigest

Fuzz Minor

American Satan?

[pause]

Is that Sam from Game of Thrones? And Goldberg?

Who else is in this?

Ben Bruce of the band ASKING ALEXANDRIA plays Leo Donovan, a charismatic guitar hero.

Malcolm McDowell, the mysterious Mr. Capricorn, preys on the band's naivety.

Olivia Culpo, 2012's Miss Universe, is the love of Johnny's life back in his mid-western home.

Drake Bell stars as Damien – the guy you love to hate.

"The legendary Denise Richards."


Another 2017 film:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


43. Gay Test (Big Mouth, S01E03)


Honourable Mention

  • Salman Rushdie (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • Jimmy's awkward hook-up with Adrienne (You're the Worst, S04E08)
  • Penises playing basketball (Big Mouth, S01E01)
  • ♫: "Everybody Bleeds" (Big Mouth, S01E02)

Stray Observations

  • "I've got a monkey holding a banana like a phone."
    "Who's he calling? [laughs] Oh, it's fun to imagine, right? Michael Jackson." (Bob's Burgers, S08E02)
  • "I had a very productive day yesterday."
    "It's true. It was like Cocoon." (Bob's Burgers, S08E02)
  • "Florida is for people who don't know about Hawaii." (Ghosted, S01E03)
  • "Mitch Bachelor." (Ghosted, S01E03)
  • "I don't like when my clothes billow." (Ghosted, S01E03)
  • "Oh, you guys feeling like rock-and-rollers? Yeah, Coldplay in the house!" (Ghosted, S01E03)


(Ghosted, S01E03)

  • A-Rod playing Flip Cup with the Gronks (Shark Tank, S09E04)
  • ♫: James Carr – "These Ain't Raindrops" (The Deuce, S01E06)
  • "What is your problem? We had something. I felt it. I felt it on the bow, I felt it on the stern, then a few more times on the bow, then the stern again. Then you flipped me over onto my starboard side. I even tried aft for the first time." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E03)
  • "Take your unsucked candy and get back to your desk." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "Oh, you can't 'yoo-hoo' a judge?"
    "You most certainly cannot 'yoo-hoo' a judge." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "For we are not donkeys. Or in Brooklyn, we would say 'dunkeys,' for some reason." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "Fuck you, Elvid!" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "Were you just spying on us? Drinking my RC Cola!" (Vice Principals, S02E05)


(Vice Principals, S02E05)

  • "Let's go out back by the dumpsters. I have a huge hole in my panties." (Vice Principals, S02E05)
  • "Don't do it inside my Silverado." (Vice Principals, S02E05)


(WWE Raw, 10-16-17)

  • "He's sensitive. Classic Leno fan." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E03)
  • "You can send back baby corn. You can't send back baby." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E03)
  • Ray Wise doing karaoke (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E03)
  • "Sorry I'm late, guys."
    "What's your excuse today? Uh, another OJ verdict?" (Black-ish, S04E03)
  • "Guess how old fine Angela Bassett is?"
    "Wow! She's 59!"
    "What?! Tina Turner is 77!"
    "Whoa. Crispus Attucks is 294." (Black-ish, S04E03)
  • "This is bad. This is worse than white people with dreadlocks." (The Mayor, S01E03)
  • "We got this tradition where you gotta choose each other's Halloween costume, and whatever gets chosen, you gotta go with it."
    "You gotta commit."
    "Oh, okay, do me."
    "Fernando Valenzuela."
    "Who the hell is that?"
    "Who the hell are you? He's only, like, one of the best pitchers of all time."
    "I've never heard of him."
    "People will love it, trust me. My turn."
    "Randy Johnson."
    "You guys making these names up?"
    "Don't do pitcher just 'cause I did pitcher."
    "No, I'm not. You inspired me. You know, I mean, you got these…floppy limbs and this, like, emaciated face. [pause] No, like, in a good way. [pause] I find Randy Johnson very attractive."
    "All right, whatever. Alba, do Jimmy."
    "Okay, uhh… Garbage."
    "Garbage what? Like the garbage man to drive a truck?"
    "No. No man, no truck. Just…garbage." (The Mick, S02E04)
  • "Dude, I'm just trying to get a drink."
    "All right, well, sit tight, guy. My homegirl's filling up her pumpkin." (The Mick, S02E04)
  • "Who the hell are you?"
    "I'm Randy Johnson." (The Mick, S02E04)
  • "None of you stand a chance against me. No courage, no patience, no brains, and, of course, a bald old man."
    "I'm younger than you."
    "No comeback for the bald thing, I see." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • "Hook, line, and sphincter."
    "It's 'sinker.'"
    "No, it's 'sphincter.' That's where you put the hook in when you're eeling." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • "Wait a minute. This isn't the championship cummerbund. This is some common cummerbund. And you're not Cheddar. You're just some common bitch." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • "Terry also loved the show."
    "No, no, I love Elisabeth Moss. Terry thought the show was too bleak." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • Evan Peters as Andy Warhol (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "Holy shit. I just got a retweet from Eric Trump." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "Silly girls are all stupid and doomed. History may change, but herstory always repeats itself." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "SCUM stands for the Society for Cutting Up Men." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "We were the Zodiac." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "What did you even say to them anyway?"
    "That you're an enormous pain in the ass and that they shouldn't let you in."
    "Excuse me! I am a joy in the ass!" (Speechless, S02E04)
  • ♫: Characters singing "Milkshake" (Riverdale, S02E02)
  • ♫: Characters singing "Milkshake" (South Park, S21E05)
  • "Cankle Action" (You're the Worst, S04E08)
  • "Sign up for Trunk Club. Pop a few Zoloft. Join in on the live-action cartoon of 2D emotions that everyone else is in." (Mr. Robot, S03E02)
  • ♫: Barenaked Ladies – "One Week" (Mr. Robot, S03E02)
  • "Jason's a nice person, but my suitors were always of a certain…echelon. I used what I called the 'Duke Rule,' because Duke is both minimum acceptable university and rank of nobility." (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • Shrimp dispenser (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • "Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way. They're worthless space garbage. What you're holding right now, that's basically meteorite poop." (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • "Nobody try Mystery Flavor. It's white chocolate, and it is nasty." (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • "It was unfortunate that Sal's mom was still alive, because the suit was perfect." (Nathan For You, S04E04)
  • "If there's stuff from her body that she doesn't use…" (Nathan For You, S04E04)
  • Mindhunter Season Grade: C
  • "Now let's watch McConaughey bang two meth heads at a rodeo, and try not to think about AIDS. [breathes heavily] Andrew…"
    "Yeah?"
    "I'm thinking about AIDS." (Big Mouth, S01E01)
  • "Jai ho!" (Big Mouth, S01E01)
  • "Oh, look, the lost and found became a person." (Big Mouth, S01E03)
  • "Lacrosse tryouts are tomorrow. Exciting news for rich sociopaths with a loose concept of consent." (Big Mouth, S01E03)
  • "Ghost cock is like vegan bacon – it just isn't as good as the real thing." (Big Mouth, S01E03)
  • "Everything in the gay community is a thing." (Big Mouth, S01E03)


(Big Mouth, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

Guantanamo Baywatch

// Seattle, WA

I go to Seattle for 10 days and get invited to two weddings.

It was odd to see doors to flats at street level in a downtown area.


Cell on a school.

Has anyone ever staged a rooftop wrestling event?

I was surprised at how many restaurants in Seattle are rated "good." Essential restaurants, hot restaurants, the breakfast buffet in my hotel: just "good." Seattle/King County's health inspectors think they're me.

You don't see as many "B" ratings in Los Angeles.

The Tummy Temple is the largest provider of colon hydrotherapy in the United States, with two dedicated colonic rooms open seven days a week. [source]

Pedestrian crossings in Seattle are wonky.

According to someone (I don't remember), a "cross" signal doesn't appear unless you pushed a call button, so if you didn't push a call button and don't pay attention to traffic lights, you can miss your turn to cross.

One day, I just missed a "cross" signal, but traffic lights in the same direction didn't turn red, so I crossed (and could cross) for minutes after "cross" became "don't cross."

One night, a "cross" signal didn't appear when it should have, and in the middle of crossing on a "don't cross," traffic lights perpendicular to me turned green.