Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

38. Truth or dare? (Better Things, S02E01)


Stray Observations

  • ♫: Vince Staples – "Big Fish" (Insecure, S02E08)
  • ♫: TOBi – "Hidden Fences" (Insecure, S02E08)
  • ♫: Opening with Tyler, the Creator and closing with Frank Ocean (Insecure, S02E08)
  • Insecure Season Grade: B-
  • Preacher Season Grade: C-
  • "That's the pistol Nicole used in Cold Mountain." (American Horror Story, S07E02)
  • "Lesbians! We're under attack!" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "He even went to Standing Rock with Matt McGorry. They got into a fight over who's more woke."
    "It's Matt McGorry, right?"
    "Obviously." (You're the Worst, S04E03)
  • ♫: Nick Monaco – "Lovers Do" (You're the Worst, S04E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Rick and Morty

#clipoftheweek

Sleep Well Beast

On August 8, I received this e-mail:

It links to a screenshot I posted on Adam Riff™ on March 19, 2014 of a spam e-mail that amused me.

I ran Vivek's e-mail by McKern and he sent me a wanking GIF, so I felt okay ignoring it.

But Vivek persisted, leaving – through Labour Day – increasingly agitated comments daily on said March 2014 Adam Riff™ post.

For example:

A First Information Report (FIR) is a written document prepared by police organizations in Bangladesh, India, and Pakistan when they receive information about the commission of a cognisable offence.

If your claims are true, I wondered, shouldn't you be trying to imprison whoever's defaming and abusing your sister? Or whoever sent the e-mail I screenshot?

Mark as spam.


Today, my domain registrar forwarded me this e-mail:

[sigh]

While I am adamant against deleting anything from Adam Riff™'s archive, even puerile stuff from college that could and probably has cost me job opportunities, I fucking can't with Vivek/Agni any longer.

So: I replaced the screenshot in question with one with all contact information blurred out and a stock photo of an Indian girl as its thumbnail.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

37. Ball and Glove (Twin Peaks, S03E17)


Stray Observations

  • "You've gone soft in your old age."
    "Not where it counts, buddy." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "Catch you…with my death bag." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "One for the grandkids." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "It's a good thing we made so many sandwiches." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "See you at the curtain call." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • Disposing of guns in a deep fryer (Twin Peaks, S03E18)
  • The woman in Laura Palmer's house is played by the woman who owns the house in real life (Twin Peaks, S03E18)
  • Twin Peaks Season Grade: B
  • "I'm-a spray his face with cum eggs." (Insecure, S02E07)
  • Garrett's buttery ranch and caramel crisp popcorn (Insecure, S02E07)
  • "Must've been a sale on denim." (Insecure, S02E07)
  • Más Malo (Insecure, S02E07)
  • "I wasn't staring at it, Cassidy. I was noticing it."
    "Noticing the floor finger without a wonder in the world." (Preacher, S02E12)
  • "That's a pretty far-fetched theory, Cassidy, even for you."
    "I'm telling you, mate. If you watch that movie again, you'll see. Tyler Durden does exist."
    "You're saying the twist to Fight Club is there is no twist?"
    "Exactly."
    "How do you figure that?"
    "Because nobody listens to ugly people, padre. If you're gonna inspire an anti-materialistic organization with worldwide designs on erasing global debt, you gotta look like Brad Pitt."
    "Well, hold on now. I wouldn't exactly call Edward Norton ugly."
    […]
    "…instrumental in 37 covert Dutch ops just this last year alone."
    "Dutch ops?"
    "Oh, yeah!"
    "Well, the Dutch foreskin plant must be booming."
    "Every country doesn't have their own foreskin plant. The Netherlands are the leading consumers in the foreskin market – 10 to 1. They buy so much of the shite. Half goes to waste, so they end up they sneaking the excess into toothpaste and into baby formula. Like how Brad Pitt, how he sells the fat lady soap to rich ladies."
    "You mean Edward Norton?"
    "No, I mean Brad Pitt, because he does exist. Look, the point is, the Netherlands are like a sexy Tyler Durden and someone's gotta stop them."
    "Come on, Cass. That can't be true."
    "Widespread reports – substantiated reports, to be honest."
    "Well, if it makes it taste better, then what's the harm in it?"
    "It's foreskin into baby formula!" (Preacher, S02E12)
  • "Try some of this."
    [coughs]
    "What? Too much Neosporin?" (Preacher, S02E12)
  • Dan Quayle book (Preacher, S02E12)
  • Evan Peters humping his television (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "Oh, go to hell, Huffington Post! Fuck you, Nate Silver!" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "And who's at 40,000 votes and counting? Jill Stein!" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "Why is wrong with CNN for not giving us a trigger warning before they announced the results?" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • Evan Peters with blended cheese puffs on his face (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "There is nothing more dangerous in this world than a humiliated man." (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "When I got into the booth, I couldn't do it. I tried! You know that I did! But as much as I hate him, I didn't trust her!"
    "But Jill Stein?" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "Proudest moment of my life is when Lena Dunham retweeted me." (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • ♫: Esther Holt – "What You Know" (You're the Worst, S04E01)
  • ♫: The Cranberries – "Zombie" (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • "It was just a long con to prank me by someone who I did wrong – probably Jason Mraz for when I called him a fedora-wearing diarrhea." (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • "I could read people like a deck of cards, and you're holding the Q of clovers." (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • ♫: Barenaked Ladies – "One Week" (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • "She Canada-rapped at me." (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • ♫: Caveboy – "Home Is Where" (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • ♫: Lee Moses – "California Dreaming" (Snowfall, S01E10)
  • Snowfall Season Grade: C
  • "I put all of the death metal CDs on one shelf, from the simple bands like Obituary and Cannibal Corpse on the left, to melodic and technical death in the middle, followed by death/black and grind/death and death cross-overs, and then I put the industrial death, folk death, and barely death at the end. And then, the next shelf was for black metal through the whole Norwegian scene, like Mayhem and Burzum, through the un-black, and then the not-really-black-but-sorta-fits, like Cradle of Filth." (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E04)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Rick and Morty

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: Chicago 2

Previously on Adam Riff™:


Bon Appétit: "Chicago is the 2017 Restaurant City of the Year."

August 2017
girl and the goat / little goat diner / harold's chicken / irazu / weber's bakery / pequod's pizza / split rail / sultan's market / fat rice / cafecito / arbor / the doughnut vault / the ruin daily / half acre tap room / taco bell / the riot feast / jeni's / city mouse / longman and eagle / wyler road / split rail / orange / frontera grill / giant / bang bang pie and biscuits / fat rice bakery / mi tocaya antojería / emporium arcade bar / emporium popups: the upside down / panes bread cafe / piece brewery and pizzeria / sultan's market / dimo's pizza / wyler road


(Fat Rice) is Macanese cuisine, generally described as Chinese-Portuguese fusion.


Arroz Gordo (Fat Rice)
jasmine rice laced with sofrito, chorizo, and salted duck; topped with curried chicken thighs, char siu pork, linguiça sausage, chilli prawns, steamed clams, chicken fat-fried croutons, and olives; served with mushroom soy and diablo hot sauce

^ The celebratory dish of Macau, reminiscent of paella.

Curry Cabbage (Fat Rice)
turmeric, mustard seed, curry leaf
—Golden kimchi.

Pastel de Nata (Fat Rice)
egg custard, puff pastry, love and secrets
—I don't care for egg tarts, but if you like them, you should seek out (Fat Rice)'s.


Macau Rice Crisp (Fat Rice)
pork floss, nori, fish sauce caramel

^ On its own, it was an unexceptional, savoury-skewing Rice Krispies treat. Dipped in the fish sauce caramel, it was oddly enjoyable.



"The Donettes" (Girl and the Goat)
blue​ cheese caramel, cashew praline ice cream, fresh fig compote

Smoked Pork and Toffee Crunch Shake (Little Goat Diner)
—Sickeningly porky.


Wood Oven Roasted Pig Face (Girl and the Goat)
sunny-side egg, tamarind, cilantro, red wine maple, potato stix


Duck Tongues (Girl and the Goat)
tuna and black bean poke, piri piri

^ Fried tongues and raw fish.

Blueberry Pickled Pepper Corn Bread (Girl and the Goat)
honey butter, cherry relish
—Its accompanying cherry relish [cherries in olive oil and balsamic vinegar?] was bomb.


Blue Corn Bread (Arbor)
coffee butter
—Its accompanying coffee butter was sublime.

Tucked away on the second floor of an office building, the Midwestern Omakase at (Arbor) is a garden-to-table experience at the whim of the kitchen.


Tomato Cobbler (Arbor)

^ Like a Greek salad, but hot.



Feel Good Salad of the Summer
zucchini, squash, tomato, olive oil, feta ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cheese

^ Ecstasy.

(The Riot Feast) is pop-up restaurant with a Riot Fest-inspired tasting menu:


Jon: Oh! MxPx!
Chad: No, it's Less Than Jake.
Jon: Blimey, you're right.


Have Mercy! Cornbread (The Riot Feast)
john stamos butter


Never Mind the Chicken, Here's the Funnel Cakes (The Riot Feast)
chicago-style hot chicken, sport pepper hot sauce, pickles, celery salt, poppy seed funnel cake, destroy

^ A chicken and waffles-inspired play on a Chicago-style hot dog.

♫ "History of a Boring Town"
Jon: Okay, this is Less Than Jake.
Chad: Is it?
Jon: Dude, this was a radio single!
Jon: My problem with this song is that they don't reprise the chorus after the bridge. The chorus is the best part!

Party Hard Potion (The Riot Feast)
shaved ice, orange red bull syrup, sweet comb honey, vanilla
—I ordered this as a drink, not expecting it to be a snowcone – a foul one, spoiled by vanilla.


Mac and Beer Cheese (Wyler Road)
fried sage, buttercrumb
—Bland.

Plain Housemade Chips (Wyler Road)
Spicy Housemade Chips (Wyler Road)
—Addictive, thick potato crisps.


Born on the Bayou Pizza (Dimo's Pizza)
andouille and blackened chicken on top of a seafood gumbo base topped with a creole aioli

Breakfast of Champions Pizza (Dimo's Pizza)
scrambled eggs, chorizo, and home fries on a white sauce base topped with green onions and spicy mayo

^ Interesting, but bland pizzas.


Hot Doug's, and the very idea of it, was a cosmic event. We will never again in our lifetime see a restaurant where devotees stand in line for 12 hours to sample a hot dog. [source]

Hot Doug's Atomic Sausage Pizza (Piece Brewery and Pizzeria)
red pizza with pepper jack cheese, caramelized onions, and hot doug's famous atomic sausage [pork with habaneros, serranos, and jalapeños]

^ Tasty, but for its price, should feature more sausage.


Slagel Burger (Longman and Eagle)
widmer's cheddar, bacon, beef fat fries
—A no-frills burger served with a heap of fries.

Slagel Meatballs (Longman and Eagle)
polenta, smoked potato
—A weird appetizer. Meatballs in a bowl of polenta?


Hibiscus Churro (Longman and Eagle)
lime curd, micro cilantro, brûléed goat's milk rice pudding, cajeta, hibiscus and goat's milk ice cream, pepitas

^ A weird, savoury-skewing dessert. The churros are red-violet inside.



Peanut Butter y Lengua (Mi Tocaya Antojería)

^ Peanut-chile sauce and braised beef tongue. I couldn't really discern peanut butter.


Fideos Secos (Mi Tocaya Antojería)
cauliflower, chintextle

^ Bewilderingly unpalatable.

Campechano Taco (Mi Tocaya Antojería)
cochinita, chorizo, carne asada
—Three of my favourite meats in one.

Chucho's Pollo Taco (Mi Tocaya Antojería)
smoked beer can chicken, xoconostle


BBQ Brisket Burrito (Half Acre Tap Room)
smoked beef brisket, buttermilk biscuit, arugula, cheddar and jack cheeses, fried onions
—The crumbled biscuit inside didn't add anything.


(Irazu) is Costa Rican cuisine.

Casado (Irazu)
tender skirt steak; succulent chicken breast, seasonal mixed veggies, grandma's gallo pinto [traditional rice and beans combo], caramelized plantains
—This steak was fucking delicious.



Fajitas, Reimagined (Split Rail)
charred prime sirloin, creamy masa, fajita flavours

^ Masa approaching a Cream of Wheat texture forms a [tortilla] canvas for dollops of pureed onion, avocado, and red pepper and a fan of seared sirloin slices draped with pickled jalapeño.

An admirable, if unsuccessful, play on fajitas. Dug the char on the sirloin, though.


Loaded Baked Potato Gnocchi (Split Rail)
house bacon, sour cream, hook's five year cheddar, crispy potato skins

^ This re-imagining of a loaded baked potato, however, is a winner.


Aunt T's Pretzel Surprise (Split Rail)
whipped topping, strawberry-orange jell-o, salted pretzel

^ I dreaded trying this, but it is scrumptious.

Its strata:
more pretzel + some more whipped cream
jell-o
most whipped cream [not pictured]
pretzel [not pictured]



Banana Split Torte (Weber's Bakery)
a layer of banana cake, banana custard, fresh bananas, whipped cream, a layer of chocolate cake, fresh strawberries, another layer of banana cake, more whipped cream

^ Also known as "Atomic Cake."

The Atomic Cake has been the centerpiece of choice at birthday celebrations and other rites of passage, from first to last, for generations of Chicagoans on the South Side. [source]



Frushi (Orange)

^ Fresh fruit and sweet rice.

(Orange) also offers a themed Pancake Flight of four stacks of silver dollar pancakes. Themes change weekly. I wonder if I just drew a mediocre theme: Smoothies.

^
1. Pineapple-Mango (Orange)
pancakes with diced pineapple, mango yogurt, whipped cream, and fresh mint

2. Wildberry (Orange)
pancakes with raspberry sauce, blueberry yogurt, and fresh blackberries

3. Chocolate-Banana (Orange)
chocolate chip pancakes topped with banana-yogurt whipped cream, lightly drizzled with chocolate sauce

4. Almond-Plums (Orange)
pancakes with cooked plums topped with almond cream sauce, whipped cream, and toasted almonds


The Upside Down is a Stranger Things pop-up bar.


(Emporium Popups)


(Giant) is "the sixth best new restaurant in America."

A Little Biscuit (Giant)
jalapeño butter
—Damn good biscuit.


Thai Chili Sweet Corn (Giant)
tiny shrimp and peanuts

^ A crackin' corn dish.


Jonah Crab Salad (Giant)
waffle fries, cocktail sauce

^ Pleasantly light and fresh.


Pici, with Chew (Giant)
jalapeño and bacon

^ Unusual, fat, chewy spaghetti.

Black and White Babka (Giant)
banana ice cream, peaches and blackberries


ORTS

Chocolate Pecan Pie (Frontera Grill)
with kahlúa whipped cream

Guava and Cheese Pastry (Cafecito)

Cubano (Cafecito)
roasted pork, ham, swiss, pickles, mustard
"The best Cuban sandwich in Chicago."


Gym Shoe Sandwich (The Ruin Daily)
sliced lamb, corned beef, roast beef, tzatziki mayo, giardiniera, shredded lettuce, italian baguette

Gas Station Sandwich (City Mouse)
hash brown, egg, cheese, grape jelly, sausage, michigan-grown fruit
—The Michigan-grown fruit is its side, not part of the sandwich.

Mocha Coconut Crunch Old Fashioned Doughnut (The Doughnut Vault)
Apple Fritter (The Doughnut Vault)

Sweet Cream Biscuits and Peach Jam Ice Cream (Jeni's)
Mocha Black Cherry Ice Cream (Jeni's)


MISSED CONNECTIONS


Hot Dog Bun Chicago-Style (Fat Rice Bakery)
vienna beef, classic fixin's

^ Alas, the hot dog buns available when I visited were not Chicago-style.

(Kimski) is dubious Korean-Polish fusion.


Maria's Standard (Kimski)
house recipe, soju mustard, buns from spoken bird in pilsen, kraut chi made with co-op, scallions, sesame seeds, and side of fries


Mizeria Chap Chae (Kimski)
sweet potato starch noodles dressed in a salted cucumber sour cream salad with dill, lemon zest, scallions, sesame seeds, micros


Phozole (Spotted Monkey)
beef-based pho broth cooked with star anise, cinnamon, and cloves and infused with a mix of mexican mild chilies; served with rice noodles and garnished with bean sprouts, cilantro, and basil; pork or chicken

(Saucy Porka) and its sister restaurant (Spotted Monkey) are Latin-Asian fusion.

Asian Style Paella (Saucy Porka)
served with chinese lap chang pork sausage, spicy sausage, pork carnitas, edamame, bean sprouts, scallions

Ropa Vieja Banh Mi (Spotted Monkey)
shredded beef marinated in orange juice with ancho and pasilla chilies served in french baguette and topped with kimchi and mayo

Guatemalan Donuts "Rellenitos" (Spotted Monkey)
filled with asian red beans

Pineapple Pork Fried Rice Burrito (Half Acre Tap Room)
roasted pork loin, fried rice, peppers, scallions, broccolini, grilled pineapple salsa, ginger, cilantro

Kimchi and Oaxaca Empanadas (Mott Street)
masa shell served with chimichurri crème fraîche


(Taco in a Bag)

Everything Wings (Mott Street)
crispy wings glazed with soy, jaggery, and dried chilis; tossed with sesame, poppy seed, fried shallots, and served with tzatziki

Pastrami-Spiced Carrots (The Kennison)
kraut, beets, horseradish, caraway


Bread (Mott Street)
potato and onion bread, leek-curry butter, soft baked egg

Guava-Q Sandwich (Cafecito)
roasted pork or chicken, caramelized onions, guava bbq sauce, jicama slaw

All-Day Breakfast Sandwich (Wyler Road)
pork belly, egg, hook's cheddar, persimmon salsa, chicharrón, brioche

Peach Chutney Broccoli (Giant)
with pine nut and crescenza cheese


Bowl of Awesome (Mott Street)
chlorophyll, yogurt, raw honey, bee pollen, hemp seeds, sprouted buckwheat, amaranth


(Protein Bar)

Oatmeal Shake (Irazu)

Japanese Whiskey-Glazed Doughnut (Kitsune)

Bacon Tempura (Twisted Spoke)
deep-fried bacon in tempura batter with ponzu sauce for dipping

Fried Pig's Tail (Cellar Door Provisions)
cucumber, yogurt, barbecue sauce
—For breakfast!

Fried Chicken and Churros (Mi Tocaya Antojería)
—Only available on Sundays.


Deep Fried Oreos (Lowcountry)

^ Battered in Rice Krispies.


French Fries and Ice Cream (EL Ideas)
potato, leek, vanilla


Vanilla Cajeta Ice Cream (Giant)
strawberry and pecan

^ A play on Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake dessert bars.

Cupcake Pancakes (Southport Grocery and Cafe)
cupcake batter poured on the griddle, served with vanilla butter and local pure maple syrup

Bread Pudding Pancakes (Southport Grocery and Cafe)
pancakes made of gooey bread pudding topped with cinnamon-sugar butter and vanilla anglaise


Duck Egg and Crème Fraîche Semifreddo (Longman and Eagle)
sorrel/basil sponge cake, wild rice brittle, sorbet

Twin Peaks Dinner (Elizabeth)
—[sigh] I'm flagellating myself for not knowing about these, and that I could have attended one whilst in town.


Twigs (Elizabeth)

^
A twist on bread service, malted "twigs" incorporated their signature foraged ingredients—this actually included a paste made from ants. [source]


Build a Salad (Elizabeth)

^
"Laura's Diary" had a beautiful presentation, served inside a hollowed out book with beet juice inside a syringe, an edible orchid, and a tiny bag of lemongrass powder meant to simulate cocaine. [source]


Coconut, Clam, Jicama Salad (Elizabeth)


Coffee Ice Cream? (Elizabeth)

#eatersdigest

I don't mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows

1

// Las Vegas, NV

I never wanted to know my Uber passenger rating.

You used to have to dig for it, and, as such, I didn't, but I press the hamburger icon on the home screen and—

Jonathan Yu
4.82

4.82? 4.82.

Why did some drivers not rate me five stars? I wonder. I'm an uneventful passenger.

Is it for not conversing?

Is it because of cancelled rides? If so, how dare they penalize me for their incompetence!

Over my weekend in Vegas, my Uber passenger rating drops from 4.82 to 4.77, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why.

Is it because I only tipped that driver 15%?

I go back and add to her tip so it becomes 20% of the fare.

Did I tip everyone else 20%?

[checks receipts]

Yes.

The fuck?!?!


2

// Chicago, IL

A 52-year-old black man picks me up at O'Hare.

He sees that my destination is a bakery west of Midway.

Uber Driver: That's almost the hood!

We stop for a train to cross.

Me: Jeesh, how long is this train?

Uber Driver: Shit!
Me: What happened?
Uber Driver: A camera caught me running a red light.
Me: Well, you can dispute it. We were already in the intersection.
Uber Driver: I know. That's why I looked directly at the camera.

My driver pulls down his sun visor to reveal another camera ticket.

Uber Driver: I still have to pay this one.

We stop for another train to cross.

My driver puts his car in park and steps out into a left turn lane to smoke a cigarette.

Five stars. 20% tip.


3

// Las Vegas, NV

A bearded, 20-something white dude in a camouflage racing cap picks me up. He is listening to country music in his car. I peg him as a Baked Alaska type, but then notice a tunnel in his right ear lobe and a rubber Star Wars bracelet on his right wrist.

A few minutes in to the ride, he switches from country music to Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You," and percusses along on the steering wheel. Whitney is followed by more female R&B.


4

// Chicago, IL

A 20-something Latino dude picks me up.

As I buckle up, he switches the audio playing in his car from hip hop to a radio broadcast of a Cubs game.

"You could have just left it on the hip hop station," I want to say. "I like hip hop…"

Maybe he wanted to listen to the Cubs game, though?


5

// Las Vegas, NV

Michelle and I sit down in the back row of our UberXL.

My butt feels peculiar.

Is this seat…?

Michelle freaks the fuck out—

Michelle: The seat is wet! The seat is wet!!! THE SEAT IS WET!!!!!!

—reacting as if Jason Voorhees is pursuing her.

"If it was bodily fluids, we would have smelled it," I want to tell her.

The previous passengers had come from a pool.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


36. Televised Murder (WWE Raw, 08-28-17)


Stray Observations

  • ♫: Eddie Vedder (Twin Peaks, S03E16)
  • ♫: "Audrey's Dance" in reverse (Twin Peaks, S03E16)
  • Theon invulnerable to a crotch kick (Game of Thrones, S07E07)
  • Snowfall (Game of Thrones, S07E07)
  • "What happened to you beyond the Wall?"
    "I became the Three-Eyed Raven."
    "Oh! [pause] I don't know what that means." (Game of Thrones, S07E07)
  • "You saw this in a vision?"
    [Bran holds up scroll]
    "Oh." (Game of Thrones, S07E07)
  • Game of Thrones Season Grade: B-
  • West Boast shirt (Insecure, S02E06)
  • ♫: HERO – "The Juice" (Insecure, S02E06)
  • ♫: NAO – "Feels Like" (Insecure, S02E06)
  • "Uh, Issa?"
    [Issa nods]
    "Issa carpool!" (Insecure, S02E06)
  • "Hey, can you change it to a black station?" (Insecure, S02E06)
  • "Hey, Rick, are you familiar with 'ben wa' technology?" (Rick and Morty, S03E06)
  • ♫: Chaos Chaos – TerryFold [feat. Justin Roiland] (Rick and Morty, S03E06)
  • "I hear Vancouver's great, you know? It's got good meth and nice hiking." (Preacher, S02E11)
  • "She like the new Jeff." (MasterChef, S08E14)
  • "I've seen more appetizing diapers." (MasterChef, S08E14)
  • "I've been meaning to get this."
    "It's a book a dog wrote." (The Tick, S01E04)
  • "Arthur, this man is having an argument with his boat."
    "Excuse me, blue person. I'm not his boat. We just live together." (The Tick, S01E05)
  • "Alexa, play ominous music" (The Tick, S01E06)
  • The Tick Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Rick and Morty

#clipoftheweek

They pulled your teeth 'til you smiled and agreed

// Chicago, IL

Yosi: I'll meet you all at Fat Rice tonight. I have to speak at an event beforehand as a favour to an alderman friend of mine.
Jon: You're friends with an alderman? You should invite him or her to dinner with us.
Yosi: Will do.


Yosi enters the restaurant alone.

Jon: Where's the alderman?
Yosi: He's coming. He lives nearby.


A dapper Latino bloke enters the restaurant.

He's the alderman?!

Jon: How old are you?
Carlos: 28.
Jon: And you represent Logan Square?
Carlos: Yup.


The next day, who do I see on the cover of the Chicago Reader but Yosi's alderman friend:

Had I known that the new face of socialism would be joining us for dinner, I would have requested jamón ibérico.

Me Against the Music

// Las Vegas, NV

While waiting for Drew, Michelle, and Matt in the hotel lobby, I check Instagram and see this:

Shortly thereafter, they walk in.

Jon: Why aren't you wearing your shirt?
Drew: I'll put it on before the show.
Matt: He doesn't want to walk around—
Jon: Oh, that's right. You're the "bitch."

Couldn't…? No, Matt has to be "Britney," and Michelle shouldn't be the "bitch."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

35. Otis Blues (Twin Peaks, S03E15)


Stray Observations

  • ♫: ZZ Top – "Sharp Dressed Man" (Twin Peaks, S03E15)
  • ♫: The Veils – "Axolotl" (Twin Peaks, S03E15)
  • "Walking's good, fighting's better, fucking's best." (Game of Thrones, S07E06)
  • "Gingers are beautiful. We are kissed by fire." (Game of Thrones, S07E06)
  • Ice dragon (Game of Thrones, S07E06)
  • ♫: Leikeli47 – "Money" (Insecure, S02E05)
  • "Hotation." (Insecure, S02E05)
  • Trying to get out of jury duty with a Black Lives Matter shirt (Insecure, S02E05)
  • Walt and Rose from Lost (Insecure, S02E05)
  • "See, the thing is, I'm a DC guy." (Insecure, S02E05)
  • ♫: Jazmine Sullivan × Bryson Tiller – "Insecure" (Insecure, S02E05)
  • The Roosevelt (Insecure, S02E05)
  • ♫: Nick Hakim – "Needy Bees" (Insecure, S02E05)


Jeff Goldblum (Rick and Morty, S03E05)

  • "Is that a…hoof collage?" (Rick and Morty, S03E05)
  • "You have wondered what your life could have been without Rick?"
    "Wondered? Sure. I mean, I've wondered about having a vagina."
    […]
    "You're asking me to lure Rick to his death?"
    "I'm only asking you to go on a ride with Rick, get off the ride without Rick, and go home to your family, where you can…wonder about having a vagina."
    "Okay, okay, that was a very specific example pulled from thin air." (Rick and Morty, S03E05)
  • "Give that button a push."
    "Okay!"
    "We're freeeeee!"
    "Okay, so, I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next?" (Rick and Morty, S03E05)
  • "Mama's coming, and she cares about your titties!" (Rick and Morty, S03E05)
  • "Go back to your quietly ashamed family and live out the rest of your days in denial of your vagina fantasies."
    "It was a one-time thought that everyone has!" (Rick and Morty, S03E05)
  • "Cosmic apotheosis wears off faster than salvia."
    "I'm starting to believe you, because I just finished merging with your essence for an endless epoch and I'm already back to thinking you're an asshole."
    "Fine with me. Let's just go our separate ways. Sounds like you and the word 'epoch' have a lot of catching up to do." (Rick and Morty, S03E05)
  • "I'm over here answering our destiny. Come on over. It's good, it's warm. It's like the inside of bread."
    "I'm not gonna get inside of bread with you." (The Tick, S01E01)
  • "Watch out! She shoots glass eyes." (The Tick, S01E02)
  • "You cannot borrow a poncho. This is not a poncho library." (The Tick, S01E02)
  • ♫: 311 – "Come Original" (The Tick, S01E02)
  • "You're, uh…better than a Swiffer." (The Tick, S01E02)
  • "Irradiated Landscaper Identified." (The Tick, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Rick and Morty

#clipoftheweek

Burn It Down

Previously on Adam Riff™: Knuck If You Buck


// Chicago, IL

While eating with Chad at Half Acre's Tap Room, three white blokes sit down in a booth across from us.

The back of one bloke's shirt catches my eye.

Is he… Does the back of his shirt say "Bullet Club"?

Okay, yeah, it does.

Dare I ask him for a Too Sweet? He doesn't look like someone who would Too Sweet me, though. And do I want to be "that guy"?

I then notice a white bloke in a Dean Ambrose hoodie on the opposite side of the room.

Dare I extend a fist to him?

Jon: The Shield was a wrestling stable that touched fists.
Drew: Okay…

Knuck If You Buck

Previously on Adam Riff™'s Twitter:


// Las Vegas, NV

I wear my Balut Club shirt to amuse Drew, who is half-Filipino and writes about Filipino food. He notices "balut," but doesn't get the shirt.

Jon: Bullet Club is a wrestling stable in Japan.
Drew: Okay…


Ilsh and I are walking to the cashier in the Flamingo to cash out our chips when I hear someone behind me holler "Too Sweet me, bro! Too Sweet me!"

I turn around and see a pudgy white bloke in a dress shirt asking me to Too Sweet him.

I indulge his request.

Ilsh: What was all that?
Jon: Heh. It's something a wrestling stable in Japan does.


Ilsh: And then he did this hand gesture and the dude stopped shouting "Too sweet."
Drew: Okay…


Later that day, Ilsh and I are walking through the Linq Promenade when I hear someone behind me holler "Too Sweet me, bro!"

I turn around and see another pudgy white bloke in a dress shirt asking me to Too Sweet him.

I take a few steps in his direction, decide against Too Sweet-ing him, and turn back around.

Ilsh is doubly bemused now.

"Was he the same dude from earlier?" I wonder. "Did he (or they) notice that my shirt is not a Bullet Club shirt? Or does wearing a play on a Bullet Club shirt suggest familiarity with Bullet Club?"


I am almost 35 years old.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

34. Whitney Houston, we have a problem (Claws, S01E10)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Coffee time!" (Twin Peaks, S03E14)
  • "And last night, I had another Monica Bellucci dream." (Twin Peaks, S03E14)
  • "Monica was very pleasant." (Twin Peaks, S03E14)
  • RT: Whilst Jake was still at university, his original 2010 viral accents [YouTube] video caught the attention of David Lynch, who promptly got in touch to discuss a potential role for Jake in one of his upcoming projects. Jake then kept in regular contact with Lynch on Skype. (Twin Peaks, S03E14)
  • "Honey! Call 9-1-1! We got a dead one at the bar." (Twin Peaks, S03E14)
  • ♫: Lissie – "Wild West" (Twin Peaks, S03E14)
  • RT: Anyone else see the audience for James in Part 13 was the same for the band in Part 14? (Twin Peaks, S03E14)
  • "Nothing fucks you harder than time." (Game of Thrones, S07E05)
  • "Okay, you know, I'm not trying to call Jenn out or anything, but she's always at that Messianic place square-dancing with that rabbi dude. You know, coming back with that…certain smell? You know, like, yard onions and conditioner?" (Claws, S01E10)
  • Claws Season Grade: C
  • "I'm a Villanova guy." (Insecure, S02E04)
  • "Do you like The Weeknd?" (Insecure, S02E04)


(Insecure, S02E04)

  • "Your black cock feels so good in my white pussy!" (Insecure, S02E04)
  • "You know who could fuck? LaMarcus." (Insecure, S02E04)
  • "Nothing but float!" (Insecure, S02E04)
  • "What I wanna talk to you about is the seriousness of Lion King in this day and age." (Insecure, S02E04)
  • "Rick, is this a Saw thing? Are you seriously Saw-ing the Vindicators?" (Rick and Morty, S03E04)
  • Logic (Rick and Morty, S03E04)
  • "Meanwhile, I have a rape fantasy." (Preacher, S02E09)
  • RZA (Snowfall, S01E07)
  • Every Time I Die (What Would Diplo Do?, S01E03)
  • ♫: Jackal – "Animal Style" (What Would Diplo Do?, S01E03)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Insecure

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: Los Angeles 5

Previously on Adam Riff™:


This is the last of my formidable backlog of food notes that I desperately needed to clear. Some dishes I tried are no longer available. So it goes.

August 2016 – March 2017
b sweet dessert bar / belcampo / birch / the carving board / cassell's hamburgers / the chairman / chichen itza / destroyer / erven / here's looking at you / hoke poke / kato / the korean mkt. / lemonade / little tart / mad pambazos / the mar vista / octopus / park's bbq / popdup / the pie hole / plan check / pot cafe / public school 213 / revolutionario / salt and straw / seasalt / terracotta / tomgeorge / ugly drum / villa moreliana / westbound / zankou chicken



Rockin' Roe Bowl (The Korean Mkt.)
assorted fish roe, uni, and pickled veggies over seasoned rice

^ For your eyes only.



Chicken Confit (Destroyer)
yukon gold potato, aged cheese, yuzu, hazelnut

^ Jordan Kahn is a pretentious chef, but this was yummy. The chicken is not visible.


Khinkali (Tumanyan Khinkali Factory)
large, filled georgian dumpling
—Its pinched top was nigh inedible.



Spaghetti and Meatballwich (The Carving Board)
sliced all-beef meatballs topped with a homemade marinara and melted mozzarella, served between parmesan spaghetti bread with extra marinara on the side

^ Also nigh inedible: This spaghetti bread.


(Mad Pambazos) is a Mad Max-themed food truck.


Toecutter (Mad Pambazos)
guajillo-braised goat shoulder, oaxaca cheese, cabbage salad, pickled jalapeño, cotija, and crema

^ The bun is dipped in a salsa roja before crisping up on the grill. This creates a crust of slightly dried salsa that surrounds the bread, giving it a distinct red sheen.


ORTS

"Samoa" Cookie Bread Pudding (B Sweet Dessert Bar)

BLT Panzanella (Lemonade)
turkey, bacon, avocado, tomatoes, arugula vinaigrette
—One of the few items worth ordering at (Lemonade).

Butter Chicken Crispy Rice Balls (Birch)
cucumber yogurt, mint, cilantro


Overheard at Smorgasburg LA:

"Is there actually llama in there?"
"It's Peruvian!"


(Revolutionario) is "the first and only North African Taco restaurant in the world."

Duck Hash Taco (Revolutionario)


(Tomgeorge) is "Budapest's #1 Italian restaurant."

Nutella Pizza (Tomgeorge)
strawberries, banana, almonds, whipped cream


(Kato) serves an ever-changing contemporary Taiwanese tasting menu.


Smoked Hamachi (Kato)
charred scallion sauce, lightly pickled cucumbers


Crispy Rice (Kato)
kale, mushrooms, soft scrambled egg


Buttermilk Pudding (Kato)
rose ice



The Makgeolli (Terracotta)
passion fruit cream, banana ice cream, makgeolli foam

^ Used in the foam, Makgeolli is Korea's oldest alcoholic beverage.



Sweet Potato Crack Fries (Little Tart)
sweet potato fries served with housemade bacon honey, topped with green onions and peanuts

^ I am not a fan of sweet potato, but these were addictive.

[Complimentary] Popcorn (Westbound)
distilled vinegar powder, onion powder, garlic powder, salt
—As was this, which is supposed to taste like Cool Ranch Doritos.


GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN


Compartes' Spring Awakening Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)
freeze-dried strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries coated in milk chocolate and stirred into milk chocolate ice cream with a kick of strawberry vanilla jam

^ I am not a fan of milk chocolate, but this was scrumptious.

Twenty-Four Blackbirds' Matcha Mint Chocolate Ganache Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)
mint ganache truffles stirred into matcha ice cream with a touch of citrus
—The texture of the truffles was not one that I had encountered before in ice cream.

K-Pop (Terracotta)
chocolate cream, banana-caramel, chocolate crunch
—Heh. Koreatown, popsicle, get it?

112 "Peaches and Cream" (Westbound)
grilled peaches, ginger beer gelée, peach cream, apple celery sorbet


Duck Nuggets (Birch)
pickled veggies

^ Well, one nugget…

(Erven) was the best vegan restaurant that I have ever dined at.

This past June, (Erven) overhauled its menu, adding meat and dairy. Most everything vegan that Hugo and I feasted on [Sauerkraut Fry Bread with smoky apple sauce, Seaweed "Doritos," Pretzel Bread Pudding, Green Onion Spaghetti, et cetera] is memorialized here.


Beer-Battered Tofu Sandwich (Erven)
with slaw, thick pickle, and manchamantel


Fennel Cake (Erven)
with rhubarb-balsalmic jam, iced pecan milk, and dried strawberries


Black Sesame Cake (Erven)
with passion fruit custard, cilantro sorbet, and coconut meringue


MISSED CONNECTIONS

Smoked Trout Dip (Erven)
with "everything bagel-spiced" beet churros

"Thai Style" Burrito (Erven)
with fried rice, tempura sweet potato, lime cream, peanuts, and tom yum gravy


Dragon's Breath (Chocolate Chair)

^ A cup of fruity cereal is blasted with flavourless liquid nitrogen. The result? You get to look like a dragon, while dipping the icy cold cereal in sauces like chocolate, mint, and rose.

#eatersdigest

Pitches Brew

Bring It On: Worldwide #Cheersmack will be released on home video on August 29.

It is the sixth Bring It On film.

Only the first Bring It On film was released theatrically, whereas all five Step Up films were.

The director of Bring It On: Worldwide #Cheersmack previously directed You Got Served: Beat the World.

Bring It On 6 was filmed in South Africa, like Honey 3.

The director of Bring It On 6 wrote Honey 4.

The director of Bring It On 5 directed all four Honey films, as well as Drumline 2.

The director of Can't Buy Me Love directed Bring It On 3 and 4.

Bring It On 3 stars Solange and Rihanna.

Bring It On 3, in which Hayden Panettiere plays a cheerleader, was released within two months of Heroes' first season, in which Hayden Panettiere plays a cheerleader.

Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote music and lyrics for Bring It On: The Musical.

Hot Ones

Briet concocted a recipe that was 75% beer and low on sugar, allowing the flavour of the beer to shine.

Now, Briet makes eight or so flavours, along with some snackable ale and IPA glazed peanuts.

Blend up some beer-glazed peanuts and you can make a beer-glazed peanut butter and beer jelly sandwich – with beer bread.

related:


"A fully cooked omelet in the shape of a link."