Blue Rose

I am chuffed to announce the first wave of programming for the 2017 Adam Riff™ Festival:

Brian Reitzell / The Music of American Gods and Hannibal
featuring: siouxsie sioux, mark lanegan, debbie harry, shirley manson

Brimstone and Glory

David Ives and Christopher Durang
in conversation

Everyday Struggle
live show
in attendance: joe budden, dj akademiks

Friends of the People Stand-up Comedy Showcase
featuring: kevin barnett, jermaine fowler, lil rel howery, the lucas brothers, josh rabinowitz

Inside Taco Bell's Insights (Innovation) Lab

Jean-Claude Van Johnson
screening and panel
in attendance: jean-claude van damme

Nirvanna the Band the Show
screening and panel
in attendance: matt johnson, jay mccarrol

Public Radio Alliance / Tanis and Rabbits
live performances and panel
in attendance: terry miles, "carly parker"


Teppanyaki Chef Showdown
live competition

A Tribute to Takeshi Kaneshiro
in attendance(!!!): takeshi kaneshiro

featuring: cuphead, budget cuts, medieval madness

You ain't nothin' but a hoochie mama

Idea: Twin Mints – Thin Mints with Josie Packard's face printed on or protruding from them.

McKern: We ate at a sushi restaurant and he only ordered ikura and tamago nigiri.
Jon: So…egg sushi and egg sushi.
McKern: Heh, yes. The cheapest thing on the menu and the most expensive thing on the menu.

Evil Losers

Hugo: Re: podcast
Hugo: Sid says you sound like Jonah Ryan
Jon: Ah so…

Danielle: Logan met a guy at a party and the guy was like how do you know Jon Yu
Danielle: and said he read your blog in the '00s
Jon: Um…
Jon: How did I come up in conversation?

Forest: Saw this and thought of you

Jon: [pause]

I held your hair back when you were throwing up

I love films in which existing films are integral – Son of Rambow (First Blood); Tony Manero (Saturday Night Fever); Dogtooth (Jaws, Rocky IV, Flashdance); Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter (Fargo).

Film Idea: A group of friends run from Emilio Estevez, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jeremy Piven, and Stephen Dorff after they witness Emilio murder the producer of Judgment Night, who bilked the cast out of their fair share of grosses.

Film Idea: Al Pacino and Robert De Niro's characters in Heat are cryogenically frozen, have their faces swapped while frozen, and are unfrozen in 2032 to find mainstream society changed and all crime seemingly eliminated.

Grad school, amirite?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

21. World's Best Dad! (Fargo, S03E05)

Honourable Mention

  • Gay Muslim salesman/genie sex scene (American Gods, S01E03)
  • Confrontation with the Granholms (The Americans, S05E11)
  • Rap Song (Saturday Night Live, S42E21)
  • Uber ride home (Master of None, S02E05)

Stray Observations

  • Scott Thompson (American Gods, S01E03)
  • "That woman thinks Jesus suffered for her sins. They're her sins. Why should Jesus do all the suffering?"
    "'Cause his dad sacrificed his ass."
    "Don't blame the parent. Plenty of suffering and blame to go around, although that white Jesus, well, could stand a little more suffering. He's doing very well for himself these days."
    "And how many colours does Jesus come in?"
    "Why, you got your white Jesuit-style Jesus, you got your black African Jesus, you got your brown Mexican Jesus, you got your swarthy Greek Jesus, you've got—"
    "Well, that's a, that's a lot of Jesus."
    "There's a lot of need for Jesus, so, there's a lot of Jesus." (American Gods, S01E03)
  • "This is the only country in the world that wonders what it is."
    "You've been to a lot of other countries, have you?"
    "No, no, never, just this one. Just that the others know what they are. I mean, no one wonders about the heart of Norway or goes searching for the soul of Mozambique. Mozambique knows what it is. They all know what they are."
    "Americans know who they are."
    "They pretend they know." (American Gods, S01E03)
  • ♫: Brian Reitzell and Mark Lanegan – "St. James Infirmary Blues" (American Gods, S01E03)
  • RT: did you notice the ACN [from THE NEWSROOM] logo? (The Leftovers, S03E05)
  • "He wasn't my son."
    "You're denying paternity?!"
    "Mary's word versus mine." (The Leftovers, S03E05)
  • "That's the guy I was telling you about." (The Leftovers, S03E05)

(The Leftovers, S03E05)

  • "Trigger warning: Fuck you!" (Silicon Valley, S04E04)
  • "American University sounds like a made-up college in Egypt!" (Veep, S06E05)
  • "You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby." (Veep, S06E05)
  • "What does Rumpleforeskin want?" (Veep, S06E05)
  • "You want me to just say, 'Cowabunga, mom!'?"
    "Oh, yes, that would be awesome."
    "Well, it's not gonna happen. Alas, we are not cowabunga people." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E19)
  • "Cowabunga, mother!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E19)
  • "It's easy to look at this place and think we're rich now, like that half-naked Scottish duck you boys love." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E23)
  • Chris Elliott (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E23)
  • Fresh Off The Boat Season Grade: C-
  • "I understand why you think some little game is newsworthy, since your last job was at E! co-hosting Fashion 9-1-1."
    "Um, it was Fashion 9/11, and it was immediately cancelled." (Great News, S01E08)
  • "How does the quiet half of the room feel about Gilead?" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • "Please don't be sorry. Please do something." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • "My country is dying."
    "My country is already dead." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • ♫: Adam Taylor – "He's Alive" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • Speechless Season Grade: D+
  • "Enemies are at the gates – inside the gates, fornicating with our cookware!" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • "My mom." (Fargo, S03E05)
  • ♫: Minor Mishap Marching Band – "Track Suit" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • ♫: Jeff Russo and Noah Hawley – "Ship of Fools" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • Joe Buck: "I was born in Florida. Of course I've had a finger in my ass." (Brockmire, S01E08)
  • Brockmire Season Grade: C-

(Saturday Night Live, S42E21)

  • Saturday Night Live Season Grade: C
  • "Can't jerk off in AirBNBs." (Master of None, S02E02)
  • ♫: Kraftwerk – "Computer Love" (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "Sorry I had to cancel on Sunday. I had to tune in for that WWE SummerSlam pay-per-view. […] Dean Ambrose wrestled Samoa Joe for the WWE Championship." (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "You're the son of Scatman?" (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "Favourite taco in New York?"
    "Mm, Los Tacos No.1, the al pastor." (Master of None, S02E05)
  • "Why are white girls always talking about grain bowls?" (Master of None, S02E06)

(Master of None, S02E09)

  • Raven Live! (Master of None, S02E10)
  • "We don't run here at Raven Live!" (Master of None, S02E10)

(Master of None, S02E10)

  • "I mean, I don't think you can see into the future."
    "I know you did not just bring up That's So Raven." (Master of None, S02E10)
  • Master of None Season Grade: B-

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


First in Freedom

// Charlotte, NC

The DVD selection in my AirBNB was…eclectic:

An unopened Caddyshack II!

1-800-got-a similar logo and colour scheme.

Guy Roofing is "the official roofing contractor of the Carolina Panthers."


I notice a sign on the counter while being rung up at a state liquor store.

Jon: [to cashier] You keep Hennessy behind the counter?!
Cashier: [nods]

First in Flight

Back from Charlotte, North Carolina, where the Billy Graham Library is the "number one attraction," and delivering pizza for Domino's is the "best side hustle."

In Charlotte, pedestrian crossing walking man signals appear a few seconds before traffic lights in the same direction turn green, which surely has caused some accidents as drivers hit the gas upon seeing a walking man, like how sometimes drivers in a straight lane hit the gas upon seeing a green left turn light.

I saw South Carolina school buses leaving the NASCAR Hall of Fame. What a field trip.

I saw a beggar on a traffic median holding a blank piece of cardboard.

I saw this on a banner after exiting a highway in Gastonia:


Secular Christian?

Rory: Monotheistic Hedonist.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

20. Mr. Nancy (American Gods, S01E02)

Stray Observations

  • "I want to eat your hair." (Making History, S01E08)
  • "I will mount your head on a pike and use it as a hat rack – ugly hats only." (Making History, S01E08)
  • "Any last words, gentlemen?"
    "I did it all for the nookie."
    "Amen." (Making History, S01E08)
  • Gillian Anderson as Lucille Ball (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "I don't want to work for you, I Love Lucy." (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "Hey, you ever wanted to see Lucy's tits?" (American Gods, S01E02)
  • American Boners (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "No cow-killing stories during dinner."
    "How do you think meat get on your plate, huh? It takes strength, but not only strength, it takes talent, because it's a craft. You have to do it right or the cow gets angry, and angry meat taste bad." (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "You're my only black friend." (American Gods, S01E02)
  • ♫: Genghis Barbie – "Take on Me" (The Leftovers, S03E04)
  • "Well, is there anything I can do?"
    "Yes, actually, could you run and go get me some tape?"
    "Oh, I got some right here. Sorry, it's only Scotch, masking, and duct." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E17)
  • "Okay, you guys go see if the smelling salts are over there."
    "Oh, the day I don't bring my salt purse!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E17)
  • "She's too busy pussing out."
    "Or is she too busy pussing in?" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E17)
  • "There's no easy way to say this, so I'm gonna go ahead and sing it." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • "It truly was a Shawshank redemption." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • "Oh, the miracle of nipples – nature's horchata." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • "Dawn: Australian for 'baby.' Like the first light of the new day, or a dishwashing detergent that cuts through grease like a knife. But that's not a knife, this is a baby. Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda…" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: C-
  • "I'm literally the only person in this entire grocery store who's actually buying stuff for myself." (Silicon Valley, S04E03)
  • ♫: Dr. Octagon – "Blue Flowers" (Silicon Valley, S04E03)
  • "I'm just the cream filling in this gayclair." (Veep, S06E04)
  • "Ma'am, Sherman Tanz called again."
    "Oh, God. Where are we with that?"
    "All 'no's."
    "Yeah, just like his face." (Veep, S06E04)
  • Jonah's hold music (Veep, S06E04)
  • "Chocolate chip walnut cookies from Levain." (Veep, S06E04)
  • "You're two hours late."
    "No, that's impossible. I set my watch back for Daylight Savings Time."
    "Saving, not savings."
    "You set your watch the wrong way."
    "It's neither a plural, nor a possessive."
    "No, it's spring. I springed backwards."
    "No, you spring forward!"
    "Have ever watched girls' gymnastics? That makes no sense!" (Veep, S06E04)
  • "Ma'am, New York Times says Montez is naming the nominee today."
    "Buzzfeed confirms."
    "Oh, my God, really?"
    "Yeah, we should be getting a phone call any minute."
    "Ooh, my heart is racing!"
    "I bet this time, it's just menopause." (Veep, S06E04)
  • Superior Donuts Season Grade: D
  • "That man is full of bologna."
    "You're right. He's so vile, we should use the crude Americanization of the word." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)
  • "I'm gonna crush you like a can of diet seltzer water." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)
  • "Now when people think of the Nine-Nine, they'll think of, um… Oh, Detective Diaz filling an iron with tequila."
    "So I could make tequila steam."
    "I can't quite believe I'm gonna say this, but I'm sorry I even came to Rochester." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)
  • "That's right. Imagine a Valentine's Day with no cards from your cousins." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E18)
  • Howard Hesseman (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E22)
  • "My body is a temple, and by that, I mean I let a lot of Jewish guys in." (Great News, S01E05)
  • Directed by Eva Longoria (Black-ish, S03E24)
  • Black-ish Season Grade: C

(Archer, S08E06)

  • "Joe Buck didn't shit in your bed. That was Musburger." (Brockmire, S01E07)
  • "So your life would have been completely different had Musburger just had a smaller dinner." (Brockmire, S01E07)
  • "Cuckmire." (Brockmire, S01E07)
  • Riverdale Season Grade: D+
  • "You'd be amazed at the pheromone community." (Shark Tank, S08E24)
  • Shark Tank Season Grade: C

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Better Call Saul
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


God, don't let me lose my mind

Off to Charlotte, North Carolina for a week – my first time visiting the Tar Heel State.

Looking forward to trying the local cuisine:

Timing is such that I'm lugging a 1.5kg microphone with me to Charlotte so that Adam Robot and I can record and release a podcast on Twin Peaks before the series returns.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

19. (American Gods, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Tandy's demonstrations (The Last Man on Earth, S03E16)
  • Carol's Mission: Impossible theme (Great News, S01E03)

Stray Observations

  • "Wagstaff has a zero tolerance pantsing policy. We're part of a national program called No Pants Pulled Off Behinds." (Bob's Burgers, S07E19)
  • "Do not eat hummus on the couch!"
    "That's not in the Bible!"
    "It's implied!" (Making History, S01E07)
  • Severed arm breaking the letterbox (American Gods, S01E01)
  • "She died with my husband's cock in her mouth." (American Gods, S01E01)
  • ♫: Brian Reitzell – "In the Pines [feat. Mark Lanegan]" (American Gods, S01E01)
  • Vaping synthetic toad skins (American Gods, S01E01)
  • "We have re-programmed reality. Language is a virus, religion an operating system, prayers are just so much fucking spam." (American Gods, S01E01)
  • ♫: Richard Cheese – "Personal Jesus" (The Leftovers, S03E03)
  • "Would you kill a baby if it would cure cancer?"
    "That is exactly what I said." [immolates self] (The Leftovers, S03E03)
  • "You looked through my photos."
    "I was hungry. It was in the fridge." (The Leftovers, S03E03)
  • "No, this is a very big deal. Do you know how long you've been promising me you'd paint my go-kart pink for breast cancer awareness?" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E16)
  • "You named five, Fail."
    "Name's Gail. You can have your F back."
    "Sometimes I get my Fs and my Gs mixed up, so why don't you fo guck yourselg?" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E16)
  • "It's hards-on."
    "Hards-on, not hard-ons. It's a syntactical error that I could have remedied if you would just give me the space to speak."
    "You can't just wiggle your little tush and expect every VC in the Valley to get hards-on." (Silicon Valley, S04E02)
  • "I will destroy you in ways that are so creative they will honour me for it at the Kennedy Center."
    "I am gonna find ways to destroy you so hard that everybody at the Kennedy Center is gonna take a fuckin' massive shit." (Veep, S06E03)
  • "So now it's the Selina Meyer foundation for adult literacy, AIDS…"
    "And the advancement of global democracy." (Veep, S06E03)
  • "In the immortal words of, tonight's gonna be really great!" (Veep, S06E03)
  • "You're just in the middle of what we in America call a…'fuck fog.'"
    "In Finland, we call this the 'fever of the sausage.'" (Veep, S06E03)
  • American Crime Season Grade: C
  • Hitchcock and Scully eating whole cakes (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)
  • "Are you two sure you should be babysitting? You seemed real freaked when you called me last night."
    "Yes, but then we figured out how to be good parents: TV and cake."
    "TV and cake were my parents…"
    "It's okay…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)
  • "There are no highlights in Scottsdale, Margo." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E16)
  • The Mick Season Grade: C
  • "Shepherd's pie has lamb in it. Do they seem like good shepherds to you? So really, when you think about it, pie is murder. If you choose life, choose cake." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E21)
  • "Dr. Octogenarian!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E21)
  • "This is… Oh, shoot. What's my spy name? Uh, Desk… Desk Crotch." (Great News, S01E03)
  • "Nolite te bastardes carborundorum, bitches." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E04)
  • "Who is this for?" (Speechless, S01E21)
  • "Thank you for that heartfelt welcome, faculty member." (Black-ish, S03E23)
  • "Our Drake poster was gonna go right there…"
    "Or Elliott Yamin."
    "Our Drake poster was gonna go right there." (Black-ish, S03E23)
  • "Man, that thing is out of control." (Archer, S08E05)
  • "Why is there blood on the barrel?"
    "What? No, that's um…hot sauce."
    "Well, why is there hot sauce on it – with a couple of hair stuck in it? Oh, sweet Christ."
    "Did you beat a guinea pig to death with your service weapon, slather the thing in hot sauce, and eat it?" (Archer, S08E05)

(Brockmire, S01E06)

  • Rob McElhenney (Fargo, S03E03)
  • Mother and daughter Frances Fisher and Francesca Eastwood playing Vivian Lord in different eras (Fargo, S03E03)
  • "It's just a story." (Fargo, S03E03)
  • "Probably we should have a milkshake, maybe some curly fries, ponder all future moves." (Fargo, S03E03)
  • Akita Yoshimura has played Sulu in Star Trek sketches from 1976, 1986, 1994, and now, 2017 (Saturday Night Live, S42E19)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Leftovers
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Mock Giraffe

Oh my god, Becky…

China's historical distaste for cheese
In Chinese culture, cheese consumption was historically limited to nomadic tribes living on the fringes of society who were generally viewed as outsiders or barbarians. So back then, eating cheese was associated with an unsavory lifestyle.

The Great Wall, but with Matt Damon fending off people who like to eat cheese.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

18. Wu-Tang Trampoline (The Leftovers, S03E02)

Honourable Mention

  • Trog × My Way of Life" × The Doors' "The End" (Feud, S01E08)
  • The Ceremony (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E01)

Stray Observations

  • "You kids have a gurney?"
    "Oh, we just got rid of all our gurneys." (Bob's Burgers, S07E17)
  • "Maybe you shouldn't know too much going in. I think it'll be better that way."
    "Like the Iraq War." (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • "Oh, God… Everything hurts."
    "Just imagine yourself inside the planetarium having an amazing climax."
    "Gene, that's… Never mind." (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • "Planetariums are so stressful. Why didn't you warn us, Neil deGrasse Tyson?!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • ♫: Perfect Strangers theme song (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • RT: The episode's script is credited to "Tha Lonely Donkey Kong & Specialist Contagious," which is what Tom Perrotta and Damon Lindelof got after they fed their names into a Wu-Tang name generator (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • "If you don't mind, I'm just gonna sit here and smoke my coping mechanism." (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • Mark Linn-Baker (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • ♫: Piano Perfect Strangers theme song (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • Jack-o'-lantern footwear (The Last Man on Earth, S03E15)
  • "Hey, Tandy, soup's on. Tonight's special: Cream of your face."
    "Oh, really?! 'Cause I heard it was Todd-mato soup! Burn!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E15)
  • "[A] Donald Duck's a gay guy who's been kicked out of the Navy." (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • ♫: Papa Roach – "Last Resort" (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • Ed Chen with a lacrosse stick and Tom Brady jersey (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • ♫: DJ Shadow – "Systematic [feat. Nas]" (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • "Unlike small town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "And we need to tell them that the Kennedy library is a reference point, 'cause, you know, he was also a part-termer." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "Find me Mrs. Ryan."
    "Not my mom." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "That was a long one. She must be at a light." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "What am I supposed to do? Re-hire Frida Swahlo?" (Veep, S06E02)
  • "And that Jack Nicholson… Is he vaguely cross-eyed?" (Feud, S01E08)
  • "What kind of Medieval dental practice extracts six teeth without putting in implants?"
    "It's called 'The Buckle.' When you remove the back teeth, your cheeks curve in at a more elegant angle." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "Nothing good can come from comparing yourself." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "Let's order some guacamole." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I can't go to rehab. I can't! I've got the Dean Martin Roast!" (Feud, S01E08)
  • "No one was throwing gasoline on your resentments." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I spent my whole life being Joan Crawford, a woman I created for others. I don't know who I am when I'm by myself." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I wish… I wish I'd been a friend to you." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "My mother always said, 'Don't say anything bad about the dead. Only say good.' Joan Crawford is dead. Good." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "She continued to smoke up to 100 cigarettes a day." (Feud, S01E08)
  • Feud Season Grade: B
  • Bates Motel Season Grade: C
  • ♫: Little Richard – "Hurry Sundown" (Better Call Saul, S03E03)
  • ♫: Todd Terje – "Alfonso Muskedunder" (Better Call Saul, S03E03)
  • "Amy's friend at HQ heard that maybe the Seven-Four was getting shut down instead."
    "There's no way that's true. Amy doesn't have a friend."
    "I do so! Although, I only see her at work events, and we only talk through e-mail. Oh God, she's just a colleague." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Hey, I know this is just a stolen bike case, but you know what we should do? Stand back-to-back with our guns drawn while we're surrounded by bad guys."
    "You know what I call that? The Man Sprinkler!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Never vacation in Banff." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Silk is for sex workers or musicians." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Sexy is finding the thing that you hate most about yourself and then shoving it into somebody else's face until they think that you're okay with it."
    "Yeah, like Adrien Brody's noise."
    "I don't want Adrien Brody's nose for boobs."
    "Yeah, okay, well, I don't want my knees, but that's life." (The Mick, S01E16)
  • "Booby on the move, coming right your way." (The Mick, S01E16)
  • "Well, it seems we have a slow news day on our hands. CNN is just playing Death Becomes Her." (Great News, S01E02)
  • "Please, God, don't let me be a fucking moron." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E02)
  • ♫: "Don't You [Forget About Me]" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E02)
  • "No ice cream for you this month, young lady." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E03)
  • ♫: DaftBeatles – "Heart of Glass [Crabtree Remix]" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E03)
  • "You don't think J.J. has a right to run away?"
    "He has the same rights as anybody else. If he were any other teen, he'd be halfway to Provo by now. […] Provo?"
    "Runaway capital of the world." (Speechless, S01E20)
  • "I want a robe."
    "[…] What? Like a lady in a lotion commercial?"
    "No, like a boy in repose!" (Speechless, S01E20)
  • "You can do plenty on your own."
    "Oh, really? Name one other person like me who does."
    "Oh, please. I can think of someone right off the top of my head."
    "Look me in the eye and tell me it's not Wheels from—"
    "Yeah, no, it's Wheels from Burger King Kids Club. Okay, fine. Thank you, detective." (Speechless, S01E20)
  • Rashida Jones playing Tracee Ellis Ross' sister (Black-ish, S03E21)
  • "Southern Cal is the best school in the country, baby girl! Congratulations!"
    "Best school in the country? That's not even the best school in L.A." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "You're thinking about this going to college thing all wrong, son. You've got to make Zoey's education work for you. It's not about where she wants to go; it's about where you want to visit her." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "Hey! I'm walkin' here! We got the best pizza! Ahh, fuhgeddaboudit!"
    "Eyy! Lena Dunham's doing performance art down at the Brooklyn Academy of Music! Bada biiing!" (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "The only good thing to come out of Miami is an empty bus." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "You're the goddamn parking lot king of Minnesota." (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "Feminine hygiene deployed as a weapon?" (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "That's the last dime you're ever gonna see from the parking lot king of Minnesota." (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "The news now is pretty much anything that was on the internet yesterday." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "That ball cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery because it just got cattooed – Jim Brockmeower." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "Brockmire ASMR." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "Before we leave you, yet one more message from" (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "This is Ira Glass. He's the king dick of non-profit media." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "I can never unsee him naked."
    "I mean, the size of that thing."
    "Hollow that big bastard out, you could use it for an umbrella stand." (Archer, S04E08)
  • UCLA (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Even more blackface. Apparently, this is a thing that white children are into." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "You're not Rashida Jones bi-racial, you're Tracee Ellis Ross bi-racial. People think of you as black." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "He's literally Dap from School Daze, but darker, and you pass him up for Mackle-less?" (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Roland Martin was a mere two feet away, and we all know how he loves to blast people on Twitter. I'm still in therapy from the last time I was trending." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "I pledge allegiance to your cock." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Just because you got a black chick on your arm doesn't mean you get to Miley Cyrus our pain, a'ight?" (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Nigga, I should hit you for thinking that I would hit you." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "You have a framed picture of Reagan in your dorm room."
    "You have a framed picture of Stacey Dash in yours. What's your point?"
    "It's not Stacey Dash! It's Dionne! Nothing after Clueless matters." (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "You should come, drink some Windex." (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • ♫: "Redbone" (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "Pastiche threw a blackface party over the weekend."
    "Like, Zoe Saldana or Al Jolson?" (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "My girls and I are going to the Midsummer Night's Dream party."
    "Stop it. That thing where the freshman girls wander around outside waiting for a senior to date rape them?"
    "Waiting for a senior to kiss them. You're confusing it with the Taming of the Shrew party." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "Don't Assata Shakur me." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "I wanted an avant-garde look, like Solange. Something that says, 'I'm woke, but I'll also kick your ass in an elevator.'" (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "If you weren't legacy, you'd be a flight attendant on Spirit Airlines." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "Friends, in American popular culture, many black men seem obsessed with white girls. What is this about?"
    "Anal." (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "Ikumi, your new catch-all Asian friend." (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "You do realize all we do is complain about things. It is as though Americans would have no identity if not for their near-constant outrage. I know so much about what you don't like. What do you all like, eh?" (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "Yeah, we're friends, but suddenly I'm supposed to give you nigga dispensation?" (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • Directed by Barry Jenkins (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • Ménage à trois callback (Dear White People, S01E06)
  • Reggie feeding Sam ramen (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • "Pinocchio! That was my favourite movie growing up."
    "What was the Kenyan version? [clicks tongue]"
    "No, it was called My Ancestors Were Smart Enough Not to Get Captured." (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • You Must Remember This (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • Bonr (Dear White People, S01E08)
  • "What's up, my nig?! Yeah… That's, that's too much." (Dear White People, S01E08)
  • "We'll both go to Columbia, of course, because we have to live in New York, and NYU is a joke." (Dear White People, S01E09)
  • "I can't believe I gave up my hair for you." (Dear White People, S01E09)
  • Dear White People Season Grade: B-

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Leftovers
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


No wolf like the present

Previously on Adam Riff™:
Apropos of nothing, I re-scored Westworld's opening credits with The Weeknd's "Starboy."

Apropos of nothing, I re-scored The Wire's opening credits with Ed Sheeran's "Shape of You":

I can no longer hear the words "what's it like to" without thinking of Review.

I am a man, Kurt! I am no garbage!

We were staying in Paris

If we go down, then we go down together
They'll say you could do anything
They'll say that I was clever
If we go down, then we go down together
We'll get away with everything

I like to think that this song is about card counters in Vegas.

Let's show them we are bettors

Curly-Haired Slacker

[browsing celebrity guests for this year's Silicon Valley Comic Con]

Pam Grier? The dude who played Mr. McFeely on Mister Rogers' Neighborhood?

Comic cons have become county fairs for actors.

There was an Asian girl on Stranger Things?

Who ARE these people? And why would anyone want to meet them?


Magic! had a number one single and can't even headline live entertainment at a marijuana convention.

Canna-cons have quietly become comic cons for reggae and rap artists.

So long as canna-cons exist, Bob Marley's grandchildren will never want for anything.

Oh, 311 is headlining Cannabis Cup Nor-Cal. Come original!

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. Pump Pump (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E14)

Honourable Mention

  • Piss Montage (Fargo, S03E01)

Stray Observations

RT: "Originally, we wanted to do an Anthony Bourdain balloon because of the idea that celebrity chefs had disappeared en masse. We got Bourdain's photo in the pilot, but [when he was approached about Season 3] Bourdain was like, 'No! No Bourdain balloon!'" (The Leftovers, S03E01)

  • RT: The blood squib when Dean dies is one of the biggest I've seen. (The Leftovers, S03E01)

(Veep, S06E01)

  • "Without him, we don't have a Chinaman's chance."
    "I'm sorry, Ben. Here at Uber and in the rest of the world, the word 'Chinaman' is considered inappropriate."
    "No no no, it's okay. My wife is Oriental. All of them have been. I kinda got yellow fev-ah." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "And that is why I am taking this opportunity to announce my charitable organization, the Meyer Fund for Adult Literacy."
    "Certainly a worthwhile cause, but if we could bring it back to Sherman Tanz—"
    "And AIDS."
    "Wow. AIDS."
    "Yes, AIDS. AIDS is a big part of the tapestry." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "I feel like we're celebrating my frat house gang rape, except I didn't even get a candlelight vigil."
    "I love candles." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "Son of a Sam. Offices in the South Bronx? I'm not the President of the Dominican Republic." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "The National Association for Transgender People would like to give you an award."
    "Oh. Well, that's nice. Tell them I accept. Them?"
    "It's 'her.'"
    "Him. I don't know. Tell the bearded ladies I'm coming." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "What's going on with the speeches?"
    "Let's see. We have the National Auto Dealers for $100,000."
    "You've gotta be kidding me. That's half of what Hughes gets. That is pure sexism. You call those people back and you tell them that I was the first female President of the United States and I will not work for less than 87 cents on the dollar." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "I am so sorry to hear about Uber."
    "Oh, God, a bunch of dumb-ass millennials, you know, too lazy to learn how to drive drunk." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "Shlomo Tanz is radioactive. He can read the newspaper on the toilet by the light of his own shit." (Veep, S06E01)
  • Plastic on hotel beds (Feud, S01E07)
  • "She's gassing us all with her VapoRub for show." (Feud, S01E07)
  • "I don't do bitches. They make me so unhappy. You should call my sister." (Feud, S01E07)
  • Coca-Cola photo-op (Feud, S01E07)
  • Flatline clock (24: Legacy, S01E12)
  • 24: Legacy Season Grade: D
  • Strowman binning Kalisto (WWE Raw, 04-17-17)
  • "She's like the Precious of Iraq." (Superior Donuts, S01E11)
  • "Can anything be too Ben Carson?" (Superior Donuts, S01E11)
  • "Death isn't about deserving. It's just part of the deal." (Bates Motel, S05E09)
  • "Cracker Barrel. It always helps to mention Cracker Barrel."
    "Well, I think it's great you let Margaret play inside. It's a hot one out there. I was thinking of going over to Cracker Barrel because they've got such great air conditioning." (Better Call Saul, S03E02)
  • "You sound like you're outdoors. Are you staying out of the sun? It's a hot one today. I'm sorry, but Jimmy is unavailable at the moment. If you'd like to leave a message, Mr. Ehrman…traut? Trout, like the fish? Uh, I hear Cracker Barrel has excellent air— This one really don't wanna talk about Cracker Barrel." (Better Call Saul, S03E02)
  • "Have you guys had the soup over at Cracker Barrel today?" (Better Call Saul, S03E02)
  • "Terry puts out." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E14)
  • "No matter what happens, we'll feel better knowing we didn't resort to blackmail."
    "I agree. From now on, the only black male I want anything to do with is you." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E14)
  • "White people love to shorten their names." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E20)
  • Helpful Ember-narrated previously-on (The Magicians, S02E13)
  • "I look like Jack Sparrow if he were played by a man." (The Magicians, S02E13)
  • ♫: Manchester String Quartet – "Best Day of My Life" (The Magicians, S02E13)
  • The Magicians Season Grade: C
  • "Where are you from?"
    "America…" (Fargo, S03E01)
  • Ashton belittling Vanck to the camera with Vanck next to her (The Amazing Race, S29E04)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Better Call Saul
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


24 Hour Revenge Therapy

This thing is the Vanna White of sports:

A pitch is literally surrounded by LED displays that can convey the same information – and more clearly.

When someone refers to a sports analyst as "Coach"…

NO! A coach is not a doctor! He hasn't coached in years! Or he failed as a coach! That's why he's analyzing a sport instead of, you know, coaching it!

Dodgeball 2 is set to reprise all of the original characters roles and is set 20 years after the original. [source]

D2 Dodgeball.

Ed looks like the Crypt Keeper, and James… Oh, James…