Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

10. Girlfriend University (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Oh, God. She can't just stop by, can she? Why don't we have a panic room?" (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
  • "No. I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna do something you hate. Let me see. What do you hate?"
    "Nachos?" (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
  • "If you like her ankles, you should see her shins." (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)

Cat dragons (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)

  • "Bobdor." (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
  • "I had to get this corpse out of my apartment, period." (The Jinx, S01E04)
  • "ANYWAY, I went and bought a bow saw." (The Jinx, S01E04)
  • "I did not kill my best friend. I did dismember him." (The Jinx, S01E04)
  • "I feel like James Bond, and you are my mysterious femme fatale that I've been partnered with, Maxi…Pads." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • "The smoke machine is not working."
    "I could crouch by the altar and vape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • "You sound like Gollum."
    "That means nothing to me. I don't see those movies. I'm too pretty." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • "Love. It sustains you. It's like…oatmeal." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • Cut Carl's hair too, stylist! (The Walking Dead, S05E12)
  • RT: Did you recognize the new girl? It's Katelyn Nacon from "Too Many Cooks" (The Walking Dead, S05E12)
  • "I'm sick of having to change who I am, or wait 'til I'm older, or rape someone into being with me." (Shameless, S05E07)
  • Patrick crying at the funeral (Looking, S02E07)
  • "Chinese hello?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E01)
  • "Out for what do you need that gun?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E01)
  • "So this is my toilet pool. And here's my garbage pool, and this is my margarita pool."
    "You swim in that?"
    "I swim in it, I drink out of it. There's really no wrong way to use a margarita pool." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)
  • "They are mas-TUR-batory magazines." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)
  • "You stole my to-mah-toes, and you left poop in my garden." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)

(Fresh Off the Boat, S01E07)

  • "You ladies need to be very careful. A blow-out can give a woman too much confidence, make them take on things that they can't handle, Hillary Clinton." (New Girl, S04E18)
  • "You're afraid of her because she plays the standing-up guitar?" (New Girl, S04E18)
  • "But wait, I'm a gay wolf too / Would you like to eat some wolf Chinese food?" (New Girl, S04E18)
  • "I would say he looks a little too much like Wallace Shawn for my taste." (Justified, S06E07)
  • "Why aren't you on the manhunt?"
    "Oh, I myself was given 24 hours to decompress. Look what you started, Norma Rae." (Justified, S06E07)
  • Phil's wardrobe malfunctions (Modern Family, S06E17)
  • "Dad, we got this. Chicken scored some C-4. We gon' blow Creedmoor to the ground." (Empire, S01E09)
  • The fantasy-sports-esque screens (Empire, S01E09)
  • "Take these cookies." (Empire, S01E09)
  • "You choosing me to take over Empire since you love me?"
    "You know I haven't decided which one of my sons…"
    "Piece of business advice from that Wharton education you paid so handsomely for: you pick the one who knows you're a murderer." (Empire, S01E09)
  • "Oh, I'll be damned if I'm gonna eat that."
    "It's bulgur kernels. Not everything has to be fried."
    "It's kernels of bulgur. The least you could do is fry the hell out of it." (Black-ish, S01E16)
  • "Don't be acting like there's not a glass ceiling for women with apostrophes in their name." (Black-ish, S01E16)
  • "He eats bulgur for your daughter." (Black-ish, S01E16)
  • Couldn't afford a Pink Floyd song, heh (The Americans, S03E06)
  • "I call this one 'Cowboys and Indians,' 'cause it's white and red." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
  • "Mall Blart Paul cop." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
  • "You'll get your dick wet in Heaven." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
  • "Yo soy Nutella." (Conan, 03-04-15)
  • Rum in a box (Conan, 03-04-15)
  • "Bathroom!"
    "Please, your majesty. I cannot wait."
    "I told you idiots that wasn't the real Famous Ray's." (Archer, S06E09)
  • "Damn, Gina!" (Archer, S06E09)
  • "Oh my God. If anybody's jealous, it's you, hang on, shut up, I have something for this…Lana Cougar Mellencamp." (Archer, S06E09)
  • "Ugly Kid Joe?" (Portlandia, S05E09)
  • "Ladyboy show cabaret." (The Amazing Race, S26E03)
  • "100 best sci-fi and fantasy films according to Rotten Tomatoes."
    "Event Horizon." (King of the Nerds, S03E07)
  • June calling Tay Zonday "Unfamous Amos" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E03)
  • "Nice house. Before buying it, how big a deposit did you have to take in the face?" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E03)
  • "Cody Pepperoni." (Saturday Night Live, S40E15)


Like a light-skinned slave, we in the motherfuckin' house

What if you learned that the world was ending in five days? A total implosion, so don't bother with a bunker. Nothing will survive. What would you do?

How do you cross stuff off a bucket list when no one has any incentive to help you do so? Why would pilots fly anyone anywhere? Why would chefs cook anything for anyone?

Chafboy: i'd wanna go to space
Jon: how would you go to space?
Chafboy: surely if the planet is gonna end, there would be scientists gearing up to take some peeps up there. i'd try to kill them to get on board
Jon: okay, but a spacecraft launch requires people who remain on earth. why would they help you flee? unless they believe in an afterlife, which….scientists

Do any doctors or police stay on the job? Why would anyone try to maintain the status quo? To avoid going to Hell?

Don't smoke cheeba, can't stand crack

Previously on Adam Riff™ (October 2005):
Yesterday, I found a pubic hair in the dishwasher.

I was peeing at Chipotle and saw a pubic hair on top of the urinal.

Idea: Pube Blotter.

Why is no one talking about New York City's famed Halal Guys opening 80! franchises in California? We don't even have a Shake Shack yet.

My local Whole Foods Market has an olive bar with 56! variations on olives. Demand for perishable olives can't possibly be that high.

My local Safeway has an olive bar too, and it's like, please, people who buy olives from olive bars aren't buying them at Safeway.

I guess an olive bar is a status symbol for supermarkets, but they just seem like a waste of space.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

9. What Is Escrow? (Portlandia, S05E08)

Honourable Mention

  • 10-foot-tall Ralph Macchio (New Girl, S04E17)
  • Microhouse (Portlandia, S05E08)
  • Mr. Riot Films (Saturday Night Live, S40E14)

Stray Observations

  • "Maybe you're the only one that can help her and I just lose."
    "I am the only one who can help her, because I have apple sauce, and we all win."
    "I hate apple sauce. My mom used to make me eat foods I didn't like to make me more manly – salmon patties, apple sauce, and onions. She was a very confused woman who tried her damnedest." (The Walking Dead, S05E11)
  • "What are you supposed to be?"
    "I'm Gordon Freeman."
    "And he's like, what, a mailman from the future?"
    "No! He's one of the most popular video game characters of all time. He revolutionized first-person shooter games because you so rarely saw or heard him, you could better imagine yourself in the game."
    "Wait, so your idea of a fun gay is a character with so little personality, he's basically nothing." (Looking, S02E06)
  • "Hey, you're a social media guy, right?"
    "Yeah yeah yeah. I have 3300 Tumblr followers."
    "Isn't that just for porn?"
    "No. What? Well, it's not… It's not not for porn." (Looking, S02E06)
  • "I love your Mega Man costume." (Looking, S02E06)
  • Music: Jungle – "Drops" (Looking, S02E06)
  • Jennifer Hudson singing a song from Smash (The 87th Academy Awards)
  • "You know the difference between us? I don't see the nobility in this job. I see a loaded, lopsided game, full of people justifying their cynicism as a higher calling. It's street fighting in wigs, that's all." (Broadchurch, S02E08)
  • Broadchurch Season Grade: C
  • RT: "Why would gouging out one eye stop their plans?" (Gotham, S01E17)
  • "Smoke on the Water [Butthole Version]" (Better Call Saul, S01E04)
  • "My dad was about to stumble into the biggest restaurant craze of the mid-90s."
    "Fajitas! Orlando can't get enough utility-grade skirt steak delivered in a sizzling skillet."
    "No way. No way white people will eat meat out of a pan."
    "Yes way. Yes way all day. You bring them tortillas, veggies, and steak, and they assemble it themselves. It's like an edible IKEA chair."
    "Or Legos you can eat." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
  • "Why do they put the classifieds so close to the comics? I keep getting distracted by the misfortunes of Cathy. None of those swimsuits are right, Cathy. None of them." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
  • "Come on. Let's celebrate. Hey boys, go ahead. Crank up the AC to low." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
  • RT: "The 9 to 5 videogame was developed but never released (by 20th C Fox Games)" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
  • "I need to walk out of the MasterChef Junior kitchen with that trophy more than I need to do anything else in my life." (MasterChef Junior, S03E08)
  • MasterChef Junior Season Grade: D

(New Girl, S04E17)

  • "Ugh. I feel like Brenda when Kelly dated Dylan…or the other way around."
    "Now I know those are the characters from the original 90210, but that's about my ceiling. Dylan… Was his nickname the Peach Pit? Because I remember… I remember that being a whole thing."
    "I'm sorry. I'm a little wound up."
    "You should be wound up, because the Peach Pit used to be yours, but now Brenda want a slice. Everybody trying to get a slice of that Peach Pit." (New Girl, S04E17)
  • "How many men you think we've killed? Between the three us, you figure we've got…a hundred?"
    "That sniper guy said he got 255 all by his lonesome. But, you know, take that with a grain of salt, since he was a Seal." (Justified, S06E06)
  • "How come he had your card on him?"
    "He's my realtor." (Justified, S06E06)
  • "You know where I think you went wrong? You hired a bunch of mercs 'cause they look the shit in jungle fatigues. Turns out, they know killing, but they don't know crime." (Justified, S06E06)
  • "Wonderful things can happen when you sow seeds of distrust in a garden of assholes." (Justified, S06E06)
  • "That's the whole point of thrash – gotta be loud enough to drive everything else out of your head." (Justified, S06E06)
  • RT: "Aw Choo-Choo, I thought you were going out by your namesake and then they pulled the rug out" (Justified, S06E06)
  • Jean-Ralphio champagne (Parks and Recreation, S07E12)

(Parks and Recreation, S07E12)

  • Parks and Recreation Season Grade: B-
  • "Hakeem got a thing for the ladies / The ladies got a thing for the Hakeem." (Empire, S01E08)
  • "The best always goes last." (Empire, S01E08)
  • "The joys of being the son of a black man." (Empire, S01E08)
  • "Don't mess with me, Cookie. I'm not one of your jailbird mates, okay?"
    "I wish you were. You probably would've made a good bitch for me. You look like you got a long tongue." (Empire, S01E08)
  • "Adam's Apple is like the balls of the throat." (Black-ish, S01E15)
  • "I've got bad news."
    "Kim Kardashian stopped messing with black guys?"
    "Zoe Saldana stopped messing with white guys?" (Black-ish, S01E15)
  • "It's just science. The dark is the absence of photons. That's it."
    "Wait, so there's no photons?!"
    "Where did the photons go?! Did they go into me? Oh God, I'm full of photons!" (Black-ish, S01E15)
  • "Your breath smells like…like slavery!" (Black-ish, S01E15)
  • Henry asking how Mrs. Beeman is (The Americans, S03E05)
  • Elizabeth crushing a man with a car (The Americans, S03E05)
  • "Now he's doing that thing where he pretend to get a text." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E07)
  • "There, now that's not so hard, is it?"
    "So, do you guys do phrasing, or…?" (Archer, S06E08)
  • "Sorry I tried to spit-roast your mom." (Archer, S06E08)

Steve Buscemi (Portlandia, S05E08)

  • All of the art collection gags in the first scene (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
  • "I'm your biggest fan, Jay Z. I switched to Samsung because of you." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
  • "Now my butler Memphis Bleek will be here in exactly one minute to pick me up." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
  • "Et tu, Memphis Bleek?" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
  • Detour: Feed each other ramen in front of a blowing fan? (The Amazing Race, S26E02)
  • How much Little Caesars do contestants eat during filming? (King of the Nerds, S03E06)

(King of the Nerds, S03E06)

  • Burton is a eunuch? (Banshee, S03E08)
  • Why is the French Quarter so deserted? (Banshee, S03E08)

(Banshee, S03E08)

  • Home Improvement gags (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E08)
  • "Now, what's the matter? You usually only make that face when someone's trying to explain Kwanzaa." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
  • "Have you ever heard of civet coffee?"
    "Oh, that's what this is?"
    "Not exactly. This has passed through the intestines of a former child star. Even better. It has the special kind of bitterness that only child stars can conjure up. It's rich, like your parents, and dark, like the people you pushed out of this neighbourhood." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
  • "Cromuffbabkasant." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
  • "Excuse me. Apatow royalty coming through." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
  • "Oh, no. He's going to do something horrible to himself."
    "Oh, good lord. He's going to watch an original show on Amazon Prime." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)


Secrets from our American dreams

Previously on Adam Riff™ (2009):

Our favourite songs. One per year.

After dropping our 2014 audio mixes, I roped Ben into revisiting our decade mixtape half a decade later and expanding it into a 21st century mixtape.

To recap:

Side A (curated by Jon)
1. Radiohead – "The National Anthem" [2000]
2. Finch – "What It Is to Burn (Demo)" [2001]
3. Spoon – "Stay Don't Go" [2002]
4. The Mars Volta – "Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt"
5. Ratatat – "Seventeen Years"
6. The Mountain Goats – "This Year"
7. DragonForce – "Through the Fire and Flames"
8. Frank Turner – "The Real Damage"
9. T.I. – "Whatever You Like"
10. So Many Dynamos – "New Bones" [2009]

Side B (curated by Ben)
1. Outkast – "B.O.B."
2. Gob – "I Hear You Calling"
3. Justin Timberlake – "Cry Me a River"
4. The White Stripes – "Seven Nation Army"
5. Franz Ferdinand – "Take Me Out"
6. R. Kelly – "Trapped in the Closet"
7. TV on the Radio – "Wolf Like Me"
8. UGK feat. Outkast – "Int'l Players Anthem (I Choose You)"
9. MGMT – "Time to Pretend"
10. Passion Pit – "The Reeling"

In retrospect, I'm not sure why I selected "Whatever You Like." I mean, I dug it and still do, but track 9 [2008] is unquestionably The Wonder Years – "You're Not Salinger. Get Over It."

9. T.I. – "Whatever You Like"
9. The Wonder Years – "You're Not Salinger. Get Over It."

The additions:

Class of 2010

11. Jamie Lidell – "Your Sweet Boom"
A funk soul revelation.

11. LCD Soundsystem – "Dance Yrself Clean"

Class of 2011

12. M83 – "Midnight City"

12. M83 – "Midnight City"

Hey now!

Class of 2012

13. Jai Paul – "Jasmine (Demo)"
The first time I heard this song, I knew it would be my favourite song of the year.

13. Bruno Mars – "Locked Out of Heaven"

Class of 2013

14. CHVRCHES – "The Mother We Share"
No song really jumped out at me in 2013. I have returned to this one the most, though. It's like soaking in a warm digital bath.

14. Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams – "Get Lucky"

Class of 2014

15. CFO$ – "Worlds Apart"

15. Duke Dumont feat. Jax Jones – "I Got You"


Side A (curated by Jon)
1. Radiohead – "The National Anthem" [2000]
2. Finch – "What It Is to Burn (Demo)" [2001]
3. Spoon – "Stay Don't Go" [2002]
4. The Mars Volta – "Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt"
5. Ratatat – "Seventeen Years"
6. The Mountain Goats – "This Year"
7. DragonForce – "Through the Fire and Flames"
8. Frank Turner – "The Real Damage"
9. The Wonder Years – "You're Not Salinger. Get Over It."
10. So Many Dynamos – "New Bones"
11. Jamie Lidell – "Your Sweet Boom"
12. M83 – "Midnight City"
13. Jai Paul – "Jasmine (Demo)"
14. CHVRCHES – "The Mother We Share"
15. CFO$ – "Worlds Apart" [2014]

Side B (curated by Ben)
1. Outkast – "B.O.B."
2. Gob – "I Hear You Calling"
3. Justin Timberlake – "Cry Me a River"
4. The White Stripes – "Seven Nation Army"
5. Franz Ferdinand – "Take Me Out"
6. R. Kelly – "Trapped in the Closet"
7. TV on the Radio – "Wolf Like Me"
8. UGK feat. Outkast – "Int'l Players Anthem (I Choose You)"
9. MGMT – "Time to Pretend"
10. Passion Pit – "The Reeling"
11. LCD Soundsystem – "Dance Yrself Clean"
12. M83 – "Midnight City"
13. Bruno Mars – "Locked Out of Heaven"
14. Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams – "Get Lucky"
15. Duke Dumont feat. Jax Jones – "I Got You"

See you in five years?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

8. 50 Shades of Gay (Portlandia, S05E07)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "What's wrong with pictures?"
    "If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E16)
  • "I hate those enunciated denunciations." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E16)
  • Worst Cooks in America Season Grade: D+
  • "I love you." (Shameless, S05E06)
  • Music: Dawn Golden – "Discoloration" (Shameless, S05E06)
  • Fish's human soap box (Gotham, S01E16)
  • "And I'm like, 'Fine, mom, be a whore. Be a drunken whore, even. But don't be a nagging drunken whore.'" (Gotham, S01E16)
  • "I worked on him in my basement for a couple of weeks." (Gotham, S01E16)
  • "My youth is not relevant." (Gotham, S01E16)
  • "Hey, Cagney, Lacey, when you realize how wrong you are about all of this, I'll take an Edible Arrangement as a sorry. Heavy on the pineapple." (Better Call Saul, S01E03)

(Better Call Saul, S01E03)

  • "My thoughts on dessert, I think they're pretty tedious and annoying." (MasterChef Junior, S03E07)
  • "If you don't let me go to that sleepover, I'm gonna stop eating."
    "I overreached." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • "Eddie, what's the thing you always say that the fat brown man says?"
    "Mo' money, mo' problems?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • "Don't tell mom! She relies on me!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • "Eddie, half the reason I come to this country is so you could have lots of sex." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • "If you pretend like you have a bad back, you don't have to do so much work." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • "And most importantly, like we always say during the SNL monologue when a musician hosts, wrap it up." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • The Full Text Of The Johnny Karate Legal Disclaimer (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
  • "This, to me, seems like a *hug moment*."
    "You are mistaken. Remove the graphic!"
    (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
  • "'Phenomenon' means 'to explore a cave.'" (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
  • "John Cena: Martial Arts Superstar." (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
  • "You're my Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon." (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
  • "'Eurotrash.' I like that. It is indeed a garbage continent." (Parks and Recreation, S07E11)
  • "And there's the dance studio where I had my first kiss with the cutest slash only boy in my jazz troupe. Then he came out of the closet – super gay. Then we kissed some more. Then he went to Oberlin." (New Girl, S04E16)
  • "Aplex?"
    "Yeah. 28 points. Boom!"
    "I'm pretty sure 'aplex' isn't a word, Mikey."
    "'Course it is. I don't like that guy. He aplexes me." (Justified, S06E05)
  • "You okay? You look aplexed." (Justified, S06E05)
  • "How about skim milk? You got any skim milk?" (Justified, S06E05)
  • "God only does weird baby stuff." (Modern Family, S06E15)
  • "Naomi Cambell." (Empire, S01E07)
  • "What is a 'bae'?" (Empire, S01E07)
  • Dire Straits, heh (Empire, S01E07)
  • Lucious' clapping (Empire, S01E07)
  • "For her first boyfriend, she's feeling some three-point-shooting, pick-setting point guard – who hustles!"
    "Why can't you just say he's white?" (Black-ish, S01E14)
  • "So how long before downtown gets totally gentrified?"
    "It happens fast. When you get to be my age, it's like a Dave Matthews concert down there." (Black-ish, S01E14)
  • "Amazing. How did you know that?"
    "He posted it on Instagram, and I was about t–"
    "Damn, son! Are you Jason Bourne?!" (Black-ish, S01E14)
  • "What kind of black girl is named 'Becky'?" (Black-ish, S01E14)
  • "You were plenty weird before me. What about the underage drinking scheme? I wasn't even here for that." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E06)
  • "Black people don't do stuff that's not cool." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E06)
  • "She's called 'Dusty' because she's really into angel dust."
    "I am super into angel dust." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E06)
  • "A starter car… This car is a finisher car!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E06)
  • All that Yaz (The Americans, S03E04)
  • Baby Soft ad (The Americans, S03E04)
  • Free association: William Shatner = nipples (King of the Nerds, S03E05)
  • "WIlliam Shatner's chest bothers me." (King of the Nerds, S03E05)
  • Scott's long, deep bows as he rasps out "luggagggggggge" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E07)

(The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E01)

  • "White Food Medley." (Bagboy)
  • "Doctor and Daisy sitting in a tree. Uh, K-R-L-L-letter of snake." (Bagboy)
  • "Mmm. That's good horse. I could eat this horse 'til the cows come home. Little bit of sawdust, but who cares? It's from the stable. Oh, who am I kidding? Doesn't matter how much horse meat I eat, Daisy's still not gonna like me." (Bagboy)


I'm dead when you walk out the door

I can't stop looking at this dead Puerto Rican man propped up in a Green Lantern costume at his wake.

I would totally check out an exhibition of embalmed corpses dressed as superheroes.

Embalmed corpse nativity scene.

Not a Saturday Night Live sketch:

Blues Traveler will release their latest album, Blow Up the Moon, on April 7.

The release sees the band team up with a variety of artists including: Plain White T's, 3OH!3, Hanson, Jewel, JC Chasez of *NSYNC, Bowling for Soup, and Thomas Ian Nicholas. [source]

Yes, Rookie of the Year star Thomas Ian Nicholas.

From "6 must-do strategies attracting millennial diners":

Taco Bell is testing a new fast casual concept, called U.S. Taco Co. and Urban Taproom, in California.

"Brown whiskey" is finally starting to outsell vodka because millennial drinkers want more body in their cocktails. Millennial drinkers are also turning to darker liquors because they come with the assumption that they were made in smaller, locally owned whisky distilleries.

I hope it's a hot chick

being-lola-star reblogged this and added:

Damn it. Now I really can't go see Kingsmen.

I hate that society forces me to choose between something that I want (seeing both movies) and something I feel obligated to do (only seeing Jupiter to make my "vote" demonstrate what I want to see more of in society).

carlamlee reblogged this from thestoutorialist and added:

Kingsman = the villain is a black man (Samuel L Jackson)

Jupiter Ascending = villains are 2 white dudes & a white lady.

More and more and more, I need to go see Jupiter Ascending.

Tags: sexism racism queued

We're racist and that's the way we like it

Is there a podcast that just shares entertaining clips of other podcasts – a Pod Soup?

Idea: Kevlar implants. In your forehead. In your chest.

Idea: Pinball jukebox. Instead of accumulating points, you accumulate albums in the playfield, from which you select a song to play after the ball drains.

The dream comedy roastee is Kanye West, right?

Watching the world keep falling around you

Meet the Hitlers documentary trailer

According to the director of the Raid films, Indonesian censors cut out the entire church scene in Kingsman, which… It's kind of a pivotal scene, not to mention the highlight of the film.

And in the Philippines, the sex scenes in 50 Shades of Grey are reportedly censored with giant black dots, evoking the infamous red box in Todd Solondz's Storytelling:

Not pictured: Bunny Colvin and Selma Blair

The Lazarus Effect

What is Mark Duplass doing in a Blumhouse horror flick?

Donald Glover is in this too?

And it's from the director of Jiro Dreams of Sushi?!

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

7. The prosecution rests (Better Call Saul, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "I was talking to Rosa about her 'dinner' with her 'parents.'"
    "I am having dinner with her parents."
    "Okay, liar, what restaurant you going to?"
    "I don't know. Some Italian place."
    "Oh, Italian! Makes sense, Pinocchio! …He's a liar, too. And Italian. …I over-explained it." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
  • "I'm gonna vape you like my e-cig." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
  • "I got John McClaned." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
  • RT: "Apparently the black guy quota on Walking Dead is set at a hard 2" (The Walking Dead, S05E09)
  • "What'll it take to buy me some time?"
    "More than an A cup, baby." (Shameless, S05E05)
  • Music: Robert Francis – "Baby Was the Devil" (Shameless, S05E05)
  • 'I Heart Anal' mug (Looking, S02E04)
  • Nebraska, in black and white, like Nebraska, which stars Bob Odenkirk (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
  • "Cucumber water for customer only." (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
  • Chekhov's bin dent (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
  • Chef Ben's tattooed head (Cutthroat Kitchen, S06E06)
  • Chef Jackie bidding all her money (Cutthroat Kitchen, S06E06)
  • "Are you punking my abuelita?" (Better Call Saul, S01E02)
  • "Walter's not wearing Jordans either."
    "He doesn't need to. He's black. That's like built-in Jordans." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
  • "And there's a point system, and then something happens with the clock, and then the winner drinks milk." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
  • "Water doesn't project success. Capri Sun does." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
  • "Go on, girl. Taste the rainbow." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
  • "This is not a duet." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
  • "Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie." (Parks and Recreation, S07E08)
  • "She designed her own major – Halloween studies." (Parks and Recreation, S07E08)

"I'm MC Hammer." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)

  • ["Lightning Crashes" by Live]
    "This woman's terrible." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)
  • "Miata Queens of Orlando." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)
  • MRAs – ha (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
  • "50 Shaved Old Gays." (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
  • "Men's rights is nothing." (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
  • "Which one of you is Janet Novoselic?"
    "I am."
    "Agents Grohl and Cobain." (Supernatural, S10E13)
  • "How much you want to bet that she and Mr. Hutchins didn't die peacefully in their sleep?"
    "Oh, but it's such a nice thought. It's how I want to go. I'm kidding. I want Sigourney Weaver to choke me out with her thighs." (Justified, S06E04)
  • "I need a real producer – Hit-Boy, Timbaland." (Empire, S01E06)
  • RT: "Dead at Raven-Symone's name being Olivia, dead at her sleeping with a gay man and her real life gf is on the show" (Empire, S01E06)
  • "Told my wife her naan is not as puffy as my mom's." (Black-ish, S01E13)
  • "Gay dudes are like hot chicks. They only part with each other." (Workaholics, S05E05)
  • "They're gonna be getting their cream pies from us." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E05)
  • "Asians know electronics, and fish, but Americans know cream pies." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E05)
  • "Gaylord. I could not have been more wrong on that one. You're clearly some kind of straightlord." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E05)
  • "Josh, you're being a huge asshole."
    [excited Tanaka]
    "No, Tanaka, sorry, it's a figure of speech."
    [sad Tanaka] (Man Seeking Woman, S01E05)
  • Top Chef: Boston Season Grade: D
  • "Okay, here we go, so we have, ugh, tequila and coffee liqueur. All right, so, we can make, I guess this will be a…Black Mexican?" (Archer, S06E06)
  • "Black Mexican?"
    "Uhh, hey, dick, I happen to be Pakistani." (Archer, S06E06)
  • "Canadian down low." (Archer, S06E06)
  • "We can't move you tonight. We're about to kiss Sister Sister." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E05)
  • Guest starring James Adomian and the Broad City girls (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E05)
  • Moby the dick judge (King of the Nerds, S03E04)
  • Boobypack? (Shark Tank, S06E19)
  • "The original lyric was 'I do practice Santeria,' but the record label made them change it." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E06)
  • A sex scene set to Icelandic metal (Fortitude, S01E01)
  • Music: Moldun – "This Time You Dig the Hole" (Fortitude, S01E01)


The Marathon Continues

Do any airlines still offer complimentary decks of playing cards?

I worry about the future of playing cards. They brought me so much joy, and, like, I'm not sure my nine-year-old nephew can even shuffle a deck of cards.

Playing cards > LEGOs.


I remember inexplicably owning a book of 101 bug jokes as a lad and thinking, "When am I ever gonna need a joke about a bug, let alone a G-rated one?"

I remember reading a book of dirty jokes that contained an inordinate number of jokes about the enormity of Polish dudes' penises. The Polish man uses a Thermos as a condom – ha ha?

One of my classmates at the time was a Polish dude, and I couldn't look at him without thinking about how massive his dick must be.

I see that Viacom Media Networks finally removed the StumbleUpon share button from its video player.

21st Century Scavenger Hunt
• Someone who uses Foursquare
• Someone who uses Bing Maps
• Someone who uses a Surface as a laptop
• Someone who got a job via LinkedIn
• A popular male vlogger who isn't gay or white

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

6. The Shot (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E04 – a Television Episode of the Year nominee)

There is a huge chunk of the [episode] that is one take, no tricks. It begins with Charlie first escorting the inspector inside the bar and continuing all the way through to Charlie leading the inspector to the basement. [source]

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "I never black out for a whole day unless I'm smoking crack." (Shameless, S05E04)
  • ER – heh (Shameless, S05E04)
  • "Don't cry, Ginuwine, it's okay." (Parks and Recreation, S07E07)
  • "Just yesterday, I learned that the Pearl Jam album Vitalogy was written about you." (Parks and Recreation, S07E07)
  • "That omelette was so delicious!" (New Girl, S04E14)
  • "We wrote the check out to Cece."
    "We do not know your full name." (New Girl, S04E14)
  • "Can you please tell my investment here that she can't make any money with art history?"
    "That's not true. Last year, I made almost $22,000, and my life is very hard."
    "You see that? You should be studying to become a doctor. They make good money, they get respect. Paging Dr. …Cece." (New Girl, S04E14)
  • "That one over there, he's all creativity and ideas. And this one's all data and numbers."
    "[snaps] Six." (New Girl, S04E14)
  • "This is a man who would wear sweatpants to his wedding."
    "I now pronounce me comfortable." (New Girl, S04E14)
  • Sunset Overdrive (Justified, S06E03)
  • "You understand me, Earl? I'm gonna shoot your dick off." (Justified, S06E03)
  • "Why do all your shirts have black men on them?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
  • "Well, Evan is not going to school today. His fat friend J.J. give him string cheese and apparently he is lactose intolerant. His body is rejecting white culture, which make me kinda proud." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
  • "Hey, y'all. When my neck gets red, 'cause of my white skin is out in the yellow sun, I like to come here, to Cattleman's Ranch, where I can get comfortable among people of my own kind, maybe meet my wife, or my cousin, or my cousin wife, for an onion blossom for only $2.99." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
  • "We got all types of special effects, like Avatar and The Hobbit." (Empire, S01E05)
  • "Get out. You people always misbehave."
    "What you mean by 'you people'? You black like me." (Empire, S01E05)
  • "When this video drop, it's gonna put Drake, Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole, and all them cats on notice." (Empire, S01E05)
  • "Can you afford any precious time, especially over a thot?" (Empire, S01E05)
  • "You still worrying about singles when I'm 'bout to be iconic." (Empire, S01E05)
  • "You took a three-hour nap yesterday."
    "I was tired from the marathon."
    "The Downton Abbey marathon?!"
    "That family is exhausting." (Modern Family, S06E13)
  • Music: Danny Brown – "Fresh Off the Boat Theme Song" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
  • CLC – ha! (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
  • "Enjoy your stick, white friends." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
  • "Look what my mom got me for my straight Cs." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
  • "Love you."
    "Love you? My dad never said that. My family loved each other; we just didn't say it. We showed our love through criticism and micromanagement, so if you said 'love you,' you were probably hiding something." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
  • "Kinda like the band Everclear. I'm Art Alexis. He's Craig Montoya and Greg Eklund."
    "Okay, let me be ever so clear about this: You are no Art Alexis."
    "I'm totally Art Alexis." (Workaholics, S05E04)

Tony Kornheiser (The Americans, S03E02)

The Shockmaster (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E04)

  • "They gentrified his pet cemetery?" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E04)
  • "Parallelograms are a bitch." (King of the Nerds, S03E03)
  • "Myth and Match" – good Nerd-Off (King of the Nerds, S03E03)
  • "It's not poo poo."
    "I don't think it's poo poo on a stick." (Shark Tank, S06E18)
  • Siobhan! (Banshee, S03E05)
  • "I think there's something at the bottom."
    "That's where Drake started!" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
  • "Until the day you die."
    "When is that, exactly?"
    "It's about 25 days from now."
    "Mm-hmm. Don't you want to know how you die?"
    "I do, yeah."
    "Old age."
    "Oh, it's a rapidly…"
    "No, no, no. It's just a man. He goes by 'Old Age.'" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
  • "Starsky with Hookers." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
  • Everyone corpsing during the Shiloh Huffington interview (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)


Drip Drop Drip Drippity Drop

I can't stop watching the man in the red shirt behind Bruno Mars.

The only ESPN network that you can watch at my gym is ESPNU, and I don't understand. Wouldn't a budget television package include just ESPN and not ESPNU? Normally, you pay more for ancillary networks.

You know how championship shirts/gear for sports championship losers is distributed to people in need in other countries? Do you think there are people in said countries who believe a bizarro history of American sports? Like, as far they know, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning have the same number of rings, the Red Sox are still cursed, and Butler won back-to-back March Madnesses.

"I don't like any type of music except country" – do people claim this?

Soon, Columbia House will be able to offer 10 CDs for 1¢ with no strings attached.

Instead of incarceration, we should figure out a way to cleanly induce permanent back pain as punishment for crimes. Lower back pain for misdemeanors, full back pain for lesser felonies.