There's only one everything

Almost…finished…clearing out my boss' flat.

Jon: You think I can cancel your cable service for you?
Pep: Why not? You pose as me and sign my signature all the time.
Jon: Yes, but, won't they check identification?

Jon: Hey, did you read the surrender agreement? "Walls must be painted back to original colour"?!

Jon: Will they deduct from the security deposit for leaving the shower curtain? I've never moved to this extent before.
B: Jon, people your age are raising families.

Purgatory Chasm

Game Show Idea: A variation on The Price Is Right with phone number games instead of pricing games. You win stuff based on how well you know the phone numbers of contacts in your phone.

"All these digits are one away from the digits in your co-worker Tom's phone number."
"Gentleman, do I have seven digits correct?"

Pathfinder on a nine-by-nine grid.

For Plinko chips: "Scott Rothman's area code: Starts with a 4 or ends with a 0?"

So a white person unconscionably kills a black person. Punish said white person by dyeing his or her skin black — John Howard Griffin, but permanent. No prison time or death penalty, just irrevocably alter his or her appearance. #jonjustice

Rory: WWF : WCW :: Mad: Cracked.
Jon: But Cracked never rivaled Mad like WCW rivaled WWF.

Jon: Extending the analogy, John Severin is Hulk Hogan, and Don Martin is Bret Hart.
Rory: Duck Edwing is Shawn Michaels?

Suplex. Repeat.

Greatest Ever! Definitive! Alien Ant Farm?!

Of those 19 songs, only "The Best of Me" really fits the bill.

How do you not go with "Dammit" and "Fat Lip"?

What is this I don't even…


"'What I Go to School For' by Busted."
"The Lemonheads' cover of 'Mrs. Robinson.'"
"'Blurry' by Puddle of Mudd."

Hüsker Dü couldn't have been on this disc?

It's like the record company just shuffled through the music libraries of its three "punk-est" employees.

Red Sucker Mouth

It's my last week living in New York City, probably ever.

"How I spent much of my early 30s in New York City, crashing at my boss' flat, using a hoodie as a blanket."

Pep's landlord has been showing his flat to prospective tenants. I chuckle to myself every time I hear one say, "It's spacious."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

33. A Selfish Act (Utopia, S02E06)

Stray Observations

  • "I love how passionate you are about pepperoni." (Masters of Sex, S02E05)
  • Weird Al, Bob Dylan, and Mr. Wonderful in one episode (WWE Raw, 08-11-14)
  • "We're just…licking our fingers at the match factory!" (Going Deep with David Rees, S01E08)
  • Share a Coke with Ian (Utopia, S02E06)
  • Utopia Season Grade: B+
  • "One eye is dollar sign, one eye is safety. Dollar in one eyes, and babies in the other eyes." (Nathan For You, S02E07)
  • "Man, I'm from Brooklyn. I'd rather have a pizza." (Nathan For You, S02E07)
  • "The baby sign was gone from his eyes and replaced with another dollar sign." (Nathan For You, S02E07)
  • Wilfred Season Grade: C-
  • Keaton Henson! (Rectify, S02E09)
  • "This little light of mine, we gon' grow some pot…" (Black Jesus, S01E02)
  • "Whoo! Back ain't been the same since I carried them fat girls across the River Nile trying to get away from them soldiers, man." (Black Jesus, S01E02)
  • "Have you…had cocaine before?"
    "You're going to feel nothing in your arm and wonderful everywhere else. It's truly a miracle." (The Knick, S01E02)


James Bond Jr. chases S.C.U.M. around the world

Groot IMs "I am Groot."

Sketch Idea: Guardians of the Galaxy 90210. David Silver as Star-Lord. Thanos' daughter Donna. Steve Sanders as Groot. All he says is "I-an Ziering."

Joe E. Tata voices Rocket Raccoon.

Sketch Idea: The Golden Girls, but with four once-controversial rappers.

MLB Idea: Every extra inning, players on the fielding team shift a position. So in the 10th inning, the 9 position (right fielder) becomes the 1 (pitcher), and the pitcher becomes the 2 (catcher), et cetera.

I am a mercenary

Idea: Gym cars on commuter trains. Don't let lengthy commutes hinder you from working out.

Access the gym car with a train gym membership.

Build lounges in train stations, like airport lounges, where train gym members can shower and change.

Film/Television Idea: What if all the modern ranged weaponry in the world – firearms, missiles, et cetera – suddenly stopped working?

Concert Idea: An evening of HBO programme theme songs.

Sample setlist:

Enter to The Larry Sanders Show's theme song.

1. The Sopranos
2. How to Make It in America
3. Hung
4. Big Love ("God Only Knows")
5. Luck
6. True Blood
7. John From Cincinnati
8. True Detective
9. Flight of the Conchords
10. Oz
11. Lucky Louie
12. Six Feet Under
13. Game of Thrones
14. The Pacific
15. The Kids in the Hall
16. Boardwalk Empire

17. The Wire S1
18. The Wire S2
19. The Wire S3
20. The Wire S4
21. The Wire S5
22. Treme

Carrington Breckenridge

Buckcherry, have announced plans to release a new EP, titled FUCK, on August 19th via their own label, F-Bomb Records.

Members of Buckcherry, you are in your 40s.

The band might as well rename itself Fuckcherry.

Buckfieri: Triple F!

Never a band to play by the rules, Buckcherry has made a career out of pushing the boundaries and buttons of conventional rock music. Whether it's a song audaciously celebrating the finest white flake ("Lit Up"), an homage to unstable and irresistible young ladies ("Crazy Bitch") or an apologetic ballad ("Sorry")…

Rock music about drugs and women – how scandalously avant-garde. Marcel Duchamp would be proud.

FUCK unapologetically rattles the speakers as much as it will the censors.

The titles of the songs on Fuck all contain the word "fuck," because of course they do.

"6. Fist Fuck"?

The record features six balls-to-the-wall tracks that erupt with gritty riffs and sharp-tongued lyrics, including the upcoming radio single and riotous cover of Icona Pop's hit song "I Love It," which the band naturally cranks to 11 and renames "Say Fuck It."


Way to rattle censors by cleaning up a song for radio. I L it.

Rory: "Fist Fuck" is a cover of "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

32. Neighbours (The Strain, S01E04)

Stray Observations

  • Music: Slayer – "Angel of Death" (The Leftovers, S01E06)
  • Holy Wayne only accepts payment by PayPal (The Leftovers, S01E06)
  • "Surely a live dog is better than a dead lion." (The Leftovers, S01E06)
  • Halt and Catch Fire Season Grade: C+
  • HHH trapping Brie in a corner (WWE Raw, 08-04-14)
  • Boobs on basic cable! (Matador, S01E04)
  • "Disguised as a female bowler in religious garb…" (Nathan For You, S02E06)
  • RT: "Oh my god, the 9/11 truther on Nathan For You last night is probably my favorite TV moment of the 21st century" (Nathan For You, S02E06)
  • "(Burkas provided)" (Nathan For You, S02E06)
  • RT: "The Bill Gates impersonator from Nathan For You deserves every Emmy, and all other awards as well" (Nathan For You, S02E06)

(Nathan For You, S02E06)

(Wilfred, S04E08)

  • Mike Clattenburg [Trailer Park Boys] co-created this programme? (Black Jesus, S01E01)
  • "Nigga-Wan Kenobi." (Black Jesus, S01E01)
  • Korean ladies randomly giving Jesus a wonderful basket of shit (Black Jesus, S01E01)
  • "Michael! Chandler! Ross!" (Black Jesus, S01E01)
  • "Komaki has so many places in his body to be beaten, but he only chooses to hit his balls." (Jonah From Tonga, S01E01)
  • Cliff Martinez's score is so Cliff Martinez (The Knick, S01E01)
  • 2014: The year of fatal gunshots to Matt Frewer's head (The Knick, S01E01)
  • Bono's daughter injecting cocaine into Clive Owen's dick (The Knick, S01E01)
  • Outlander's theme song is ludicrously catchy (Outlander, S01E01)
  • Happy Valley Season Grade: C+


Eater's Digest: Louisville

milkwood / el mundo / homemade ice cream and pie kitchen / the silver dollar / the comfy cow / 610 magnolia / ramsi's cafe on the world / superchef's breakfast

"This is chicken and waffles?"

Fried Chicken and Waffle (Milkwood)
radish, dill, chili paste, buttermilk dressing

Collards and Kim-chi (Milkwood)

I think I love collard greens.

Octopus Bacon (Milkwood)
smashed potatoes, sour cream, kalamata, jalapeño puree

"Octopus bacon" = smoked braised octopus tentacles. The olives killed this dish. How can people eat olives?

Sorghum and Grits Ice Cream (Milkwood)
coconut cake, coffee syrup, croissant, berries

Idea: High fructose corn syrup-flavoured ice cream.

Mamma mia! That's a spicy toilet! (El Mundo)

Pecan Chocolate Chip Pie (Homemade Ice Cream and Pie Kitchen)
georgia pecans on top of a sweet sugar and butter filling with chocolate chips and bourbon

I effort to try a chocolate pecan pie in every city I visit. This one left no impression.

I visited The Comfy Cow to try its

Bourbon Ball Ice Cream (The Comfy Cow)
sweet bourbon ball candies generously added to an old forester bourbon based ice cream

but it wasn't available, so I settled for scoops of

Policeman's Special Ice Cream (The Comfy Cow)
freshly roasted coffee ice cream combined with pieces of delicious glazed doughnuts from louisville's nord's bakery

Simply Southern Ice Cream (The Comfy Cow)
georgia butter pecan base infused with old forester bourbon, loaded with pecan pie pieces and barry callebaut dark chocolate chips

Can't you taste this gold? (610 Magnolia)

SuperChef's Breakfast is a restaurant located in the back of a consignment shop.

Pancake Platter (SuperChef's Breakfast)
red velvet / reese's peanut butter cup / caramel apple / banana pudding

Root Beer Float Waffles (SuperChef's Breakfast)
waffles served with vanilla ice cream and root beer syrup

Cheddar Biscuit Sandwich (SuperChef's Breakfast)
candied bacon, omelet style egg, asiago cheese

Roasted Red Pepper Grits (SuperChef's Breakfast)

Pretzel Croissant (SuperChef's Breakfast)

This is as much of its menu as I could fit in my stomach.


Super Duper Cakes (SuperChef's Breakfast)

Peanut Butter and Jelly Oatmeal (SuperChef's Breakfast)
slow cooked steel cut oatmeal intensified with creamy peanut butter and topped with grape jelly

Bron Bron Burger (SuperChef's Breakfast)
topped with a hot crab spread and pulled pork, served with a sweet and sour glaze on a brioche bun

Togarashi Cheesecake (Milkwood)
peanut sea salt, miso caramel, blackened pineapple

Fartin' Luther King

Burning New York City question: Who shops at Gristedes? It's like…whatchamacallit…Gelson's in Los Angeles. Who shops at Gelson's?

I stumbled upon this while killing time at Ralphs:

"Beef" is listed as an ingredient, but after "high fructose corn syrup."


I recall a variation on Lucky Charms with just marshmallows, but that can't be right. All sugar?

Idea: Tins of just this Danish butter cookie:

Travis Gorzelsky

Can you imagine? Produced by Michael Bay, directed by Brett Ratner.

Rory: The Chad Kroeger feat. Josey Scott – "Hero" of cinema.
Anthony Michael Hall: The "Can't Stop Partying" of cinema.

What's the trifecta? Written by Akiva Goldsman?

I've been watching episodes of Hungry Investors, the Rob Ford of investment shows.


0:32 is my new ringtone.


Shit, Saturday Night Live should find someone to play Jon Taffer so Fictional Bar Rescue can be a recurring sketch.

Taffer at the Mos Eisley Cantina. Taffer at the Double Deuce.

Ben: will the marvel cinematic universe ever meet the fox one??
Jon: sure, if fox receives a cut of the take

Jon: what did paramount receive for the avengers? 9%?
Jon: fox shares its marvel characters with disney for 20% of global distribution revenue
Jon: also: the new star wars films retain the 20th century fox fanfare

Listen Up, Motherfathers

$99? In Manhattan?


I just finished re-reading The Magician King by Lev Grossman to refresh myself for Tuesday's release of The Magician's Land.

And before that, I finished reading The Dinner by Herman Koch, a nasty piece of work.

I bet my brother fucks the way he eats, that he stuffs himself into a woman in the same way he stuffs a beef croquette into his mouth—and that his hunger is then stilled. [54]

I was remarkably calm. Calm and fatigued. There would be no violence. It was like a storm coming up. The café chairs are carried inside, the awnings are rolled up, but nothing happens. The storm passes over. And, at the same time, that's too bad. After all, we would all rather see the roofs ripped from the houses, the trees uprooted and tossed through the air; documentaries about tornados, hurricanes, and tsunamis have a soothing effect. Of course it's terrible—we've all been taught to say that we think it's terrible. But a world without disasters and violence—be it the violence of nature or that of muscle and blood—would be the truly unbearable thing. [183-184]

Free association:

Marvel Studios' output from 2011-2018 =

Very casually playing through Ocarina of Time.

Three temples complete (Captain America 1, Thor 2, Guardians of the Galaxy), three more to go.

Avengers 3 = Ganon's castle.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

31. Hate Crime (The Leftovers, S01E05)

Poor Kathy Geiss.

Honourable Mention

  • Gabe's dick falls off (The Strain, S01E03)

Stray Observations

  • The actor who plays Corey Stoll's son also played his son on House of Cards (The Strain, S01E03)
  • "It's on Zillow." (The Strain, S01E03)
  • "Hello. I'm Macintosh." – yes! (Halt and Catch Fire, S01E09)

(Chopped, S21E03)

(Nathan For You, S02E05) – a "television episode of the year" nominee

  • "Dumb Norah Jones Duets." (Nathan For You, S02E05)
  • After replacing Dwight Yoakam with William Baldwin as Bruce, replacing Mary Steenburgen with Mimi Rogers as Ryan's mother (Wilfred, S04E07)
  • "I'm a three-legged dog, dude!" – finally something happens (Wilfred, S04E07)
  • "Can't you put me in protective custody or something? Somewhere cool, like Seattle or Banff." (The Bridge, S02E04)
  • "When it comes to the Middle East, you never ever try to play the Israelis." (The Honourable Woman, S01E05)


We are…Penn Steak

It pains me to see banners with wind slits. If you need to slash up a banner so that it displays properly… How about re-formulating vinyl instead? Breathable vinyl.

The cookies in an ice cream cookie sandwich should have holes in them so that ice cream you displace when you bite into the sandwich squeezes out through the cookies and not between them, keeping the sandwich manageable to eat.

THE Ohio Steak University

"There is a place where the sky is always blue, and the kids always eat their vegetables, because the salad there is always served with the original Hidden Valley Ranch."

This copy…

1. The sky always being blue in this place has nothing to do with salad always being served with Hidden Valley Ranch. "There is a place where the kids always eat their vegetables, because the salad there is always served with the original Hidden Valley Ranch. Also: The weather's nice."

2. As Hidden Valley Ranch is not made in this place where the sky is always blue, why the environmental context? Why not just say, "Kids will eat vegetables served with Hidden Valley Ranch"?

This popped into my head today:

Free association:

Pauley Pavilion flooding =

One of my ideas for a wrestling match gimmick is submerging the mat in a foot of water, retarding movement and adding splashing. Imagine: A superplex into a ring of water.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

30. Routine Maintenance (Utopia, S02E03)

Honourable Mention

  • "Garden of the gods" meal (Food Network Star, S10E08)
  • Paul Heyman's promo (WWE Raw, 07-21-14)

Stray Observations

  • "At COMDEX, lavish equals shrimp." (Halt and Catch Fire, S01E08)
  • COMDEX is the new TechCrunch Disrupt (Halt and Catch Fire, S01E08)
  • Closed captioning: "'I Love You' song from Barney playing faintly" (The Strain, S01E02)

(MasterChef, S05E09)

Steph's gnarly cleavage (WWE Raw, 07-21-14)

  • "Is this a hybrid?" (WWE Raw, 07-21-14)
  • The teen actor (Nathan For You, S02E04)
  • The stripper cop (Nathan For You, S02E04)
  • "Underneath that dragon is our mattress." (Nathan For You, S02E04)
  • Chickens and a peacock in a tree (Nathan For You, S02E04)
  • John Cale! (The Bridge, S02E03)
  • "I say we act like white people and disappear and let our lawyer do the talking." (The Bridge, S02E03)
  • Jared's hair is approaching Eraserhead level (Rectify, S02E06)
  • Martin being a pimp (Friday Night Dinner, S03E06)
  • Friday Night Dinner Season Grade: C-