Lazy, laid back, maybe you're just on crack

I can't stop looking at GIFs of Japanese celebrities orally seeing if objects in a room are real or actually sugar confectionery.

The Chick-fil-A cows figured out the English language, and how to write, and how to fuckin' parachute into a football stadium, but they can't spell basic words?

On April 1, replace the cows with Hindu people and correct all the misspellings.

In October, run negative campaign ads against chickens that are "paid for by cows."

A group of chickens set out to assassinate the cows. Like Munich, but with farm animals.

What makes the Chicago style deep dish pizza popcorn Chicago style deep dish? How does its taste differ from pizza-flavoured popcorn?

Chicago style hot dog I can taste in my head – mustard, celery salt…

It's so damn hard to keep playing the part of the fool week after week

You know how fading international soccer stars retire to Major League Soccer teams for a final payday?

China: The MLS of cinema.

Speaking of Chinese film productions…

Can't hurt to try, I suppose.

They just keep going and going and—

Idea: Hot Shots: Part Trois. A spoof of the Expendables series starring:

Charlie Sheen
Valeria Golino
Matt Dillon
Emilio Estevez
Corey Feldman
Anthony Michael Hall
C. Thomas Howell
Rob Lowe
Ralph Macchio
Andrew McCarthy
Demi Moore
Judd Nelson
Molly Ringwald
Ally Sheedy
et al.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

2. Christina (Worst Cooks in America, S06E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "The fanny runs deep." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E12)

(Worst Cooks in America, S06E01)

  • "Hold on. I recognize that sound. It's butts on brass." (Bob's Burgers, S05E08)
  • "How are we going to get past Ms. Schnur?"
    "I have an idea."
    "Hey, Penny Marshall's outside!" (Bob's Burgers, S05E08)
  • Retconning this season's case? (Broadchurch, S02E01)

(Bodyshockers, S02E01)

  • "We got a code Jewish, code Jewish."
    "You're under ch'arrest." (New Girl, S04E12)
  • "Girl's like a…pepperoni." (New Girl, S04E12)
  • "So that was a huge failure. I feel like a Democrat." (New Girl, S04E12)
  • Common hosted, judged, and recorded a theme song for a furniture building competition (Framework, S01E01)
  • Nicole's accent is bizarre (The Real World, S30E04)
  • "The president is asking that you'll attend the China state dinner."
    "Okay, tell Barack that, yes, but this is the last one for the next few months." (Empire, S01E01)
  • "I'm not competing with that sound." (Empire, S01E01)
  • "Take that damn bass out of your voice when you talking to me!" (Empire, S01E01)
  • Lucious literally binning his gay son (Empire, S01E01)
  • "I want to show you a faggot really can run this company." (Empire, S01E01)
  • With Cuba Gooding Jr., this show will star FOUR Academy Award nominees (Empire, S01E01)
  • "This place, these people, are our world, and it is like a banquet full of delicious possibilities. But our top priority is sex." (American Horror Story, S04E11)
  • "Is that medicine?"
    "It's painkillers mixed with candy. I call them 'Mike and Vics.'" (Archer, S06E01)
  • "You're gonna need my help."
    "Ha! Because you also need my help!"
    "Only because you just broke two of my ribs, in addition to impaling me on a bamboo stake, on which, I think we both know, you smeared some poop!" (Archer, S06E01)
  • Ty Burrell corpsing throughout the Fabrice Fabrice interview (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E01)

(The Eric Andre Show, S03E08)

  • "Investigate 311." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E08)


I'm writing the report on losing and failing

I call this the "woman lackadaisically using it while staring at her phone" machine.

As all existing audio players for swimmers are shit, when I swim laps, I have lots of time to think.

Idea: Chess swimming – like chess boxing, but with swimming. Embed waterproof touchscreens in one vertical end of a lap pool. A swimmer moves pieces between laps, playing against a computer or against someone with whom he or she is sharing a lane.

Idea: Embed waterproof touchscreens in both vertical ends of a lap pool. On one end, a swimmer reads a multiple choice trivia question, which he or she answers on the other end. Then he or she swims back to receive another question and so forth.

Swim trivia should be an Olympic event. 4 question x 100m medley. You keep swimming laps until you answer four questions correctly. Fastest to do so wins gold.

I can't be too cool in a tree with my pants down

Mike: It's a bummer that Animaniacs didn't have the staying power of greater cartoons.
Jon: Well, out of sight, out of mind.

Rumors have been rife that Rupert Murdoch plans to divest his 39% stake in Sky Europe (worth more than $4B) to fund a renewed bid for Time Warner. [source]

Jon: If Fox buys Time Warner, it won't have any use for CNN, which it could convert into a Fox Kids' WB Channel. Animaniacs, Batman: The Animated Series, Pokémon

If Fox buys Time Warner, HBO and FX would be sister stations.

If Fox buys Time Warner, Adult Swim could add The Simpsons.

If Fox buys Time Warner, Fox Sports 1 could absorb NBA on TNT, MLB postseason on TBS, and March Madness, becoming a more formidable competitor to ESPN.

If Fox buys Time Warner, it would own the film rights to both Wolverine and Batman, paving the way for a Dark Claw film.

The Super Bowl is typically the highest-rated single U.S. television broadcast of any given year. In turn, the program aired immediately following coverage of the game in the U.S. is typically also one of the year's most watched television programs. [source]

The Walking Dead returns on February 8, the Sunday following Super Bowl Sunday.

Last fall, The Walking Dead (on cable television) outdrew Sunday Night Football (on network television) in the coveted 18-49 demographic five times (out of eight).

The Walking Dead is the highest-rated programme on all of television among viewers 18-49, and the highest-rated drama on all of television period.


What if The Walking Dead was the Super Bowl's lead-out? – a special network television presentation / mid-season premiere.

Many believe that sooner or later somebody will snap up AMC Networks after Madison Square Garden splits it from its sports and live entertainment businesses. Viacom is seen as a potential target. [source]

Viacom owns CBS. CBS is telecasting next year's Super Bowl.

Or what if The Walking Dead returned on AMC immediately following this year's Super Bowl? Have Chris Hardwick vamp until the game ends and then go head-to-head with the trophy presentation and The Blacklist.

Heck, air the first act of the episode during halftime against Katy Perry, and the rest after the game. Unstoppable force, immovable object.

No Use For A Name, Finch, Tigers Jaw, Somos, +44, Knuckle Puck – it's a veritable Warped Tour.


In July 2013, Lagunitas Brewing Co.'s owner, Tony Magee, received a cease-and-desist order from SweetWater Brewing Co. in Atlanta demanding that the Northern California brewing giant stop using the marijuana code "420" in the cryptic artwork and messaging found on many Lagunitas beer labels. Since the 1990s, SweetWater had made a beer called 420 Extra Pale Ale.

"I decided, 'You want to own 420, fine, you can have it,'" Magee says. "And it's true: They legitimately owned it."

Don't pull me down, this is where I belong

The Scorpion King franchise keeps getting more and more amazing.

The fourth one also stars Rutger Hauer, Michael Biehn, Barry Bostwick, Antônio Silva, and kickboxing legend Don "The Dragon" Wilson.

The Scorpion King: The Rock (WWE)
The Scorpion King 2: Randy Couture (MMA)
The Scorpion King 3: Dave Bautista (WWE), Kimbo Slice (MMA)
The Scorpion King 4: Roy Nelson (MMA), Royce Gracie (MMA), Antônio Silva (MMA), Eve Torres (WWE), Don Wilson

Soon, every combat sport star will have appeared in a Scorpion King film. I'm surprised Nathan Jones hasn't yet.

I assume the odd colon is to emphasize that it's a sequel, and not a film titled Fist 2 Fist 2.

Fist 2 Fist 3: Tokyo Fist.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

Cycle six!

1. Nerds (Friends of the People, S01E10)

Stray Observations

  • A $25,000 winner! (Cutthroat Kitchen, S06E10)
  • Friends of the People Season Grade: C+

Looking forward (GULP):

A Lord and Miller sitcom! Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on Adult Swim! This Is England does rave culture!


Kill 'em all dead, bodies in the hallway

ESPN owns 11 bowl games, and Disney owns ESPN. Why doesn't Disney sponsor some of its bowls?

The Age of Ultron Bowl. The Tomorrowland Bowl.

World premiere footage throughout the telecast. Pimp your studio's films while boosting your network's ratings.

Shame that Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens a week before Christmas, and not on Christmas Day, as I'm curious how a Star Wars Christmas Day release would affect attendance for Christmas Eve/Day church services.

Hundreds of devotees congregate at midnight on Christmas Day to celebrate the emergence of something otherworldly a long time ago – Force or Mass?

Adam Riff™ Clips of the Year

To recap:

1. Unhung Hero
2. Enlisted
3. WWE Raw
4. The Midnight Beast
5. Bob's Burgers
6. New Girl
7. True Detective
8. Looking
9. Hannibal
10. Hannibal
11. Review
12. Rick and Morty
13. Portlandia
14. Portlandia
15. WWE Raw
16. Game of Thrones
17. Fargo
18. Hannibal
19. Vice
20. Hannibal
21. Hannibal
22. Mad Men
23. Silicon Valley
24. Veep
25. Game of Thrones
26. 24
27. Nathan For You
28. Nathan For You
29. Conan
30. Utopia [UK]
31. The Leftovers
32. The Strain
33. Utopia [UK]
34. Nathan For You
35. Wizard Wars
36. You're the Worst
37. Wizard Wars
38. The Bridge
39. The Knick
40. The Simpsons
41. Late Show with David Letterman
42. The Amazing Race
43. Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories
44. "Too Many Cooks"
45. South Park
46. Friends of the People
47. South Park
48. The Amazing Race
49. The Eric Andre Show
50. Black-ish
51. The Eric Andre Show

52. Perhaps the greatest college football play any of us have ever seen (Popeyes Bahamas Bowl, 12-24-14)

Stray Observations

  • "My wife made a lasagna." (Homeland, S04E12)
  • "Walter retired. It's now a Pain Quotidien." (Homeland, S04E12)
  • "We are the no men of no man's land." (Homeland, S04E12)
  • Homeland Season Grade: B-
  • "Rick here has the hands of a ballplayer and the face of an owner." (Friends of the People, S01E09)

(Mozart in the Jungle, S01E01)

  • "Philip Gla– I hate Philip Glass." (Mozart in the Jungle, S01E05)
  • "You know, I once did PR for Insane Clown Posse, but these people are fucking insane." (Mozart in the Jungle, S01E10)
  • Mozart in the Jungle Season Grade: C

Top Five Television Episodes of 2014
5. "The Endorsement" (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S01E06)
4. "Souvenir Shop / E.L.A.I.F.F." (Nathan For You, S02E02)
3. "Dumb Starbucks" (Nathan For You, S02E05)
2. "Looking for the Future" (Looking, S01E05)
1. "Mizumono" (Hannibal, S02E13)

Top Ten Television Programmes of 2014
10. Fargo
9. Game of Thrones
8. Looking
7. Utopia [UK]
6. Veep
5. Shameless
4. Rick and Morty
3. The Eric Andre Show
2. Nathan For You
1. Hannibal

2013-14 Season Grades
Note: I did not grade a number of programmes whose seasons I only watched some or most of.

Hannibal: A

Nathan For You: A-
Rick and Morty: A-
Shameless: A-
Veep: A-

Game of Thrones: B+
Looking: B+
Sleepy Hollow: B+
Utopia [UK]: B+

24: B
The Americans: B
Babylon: B
Boardwalk Empire: B
The Bridge: B
Brooklyn Nine-Nine: B
Fargo: B
House of Cards: B
King of the Nerds: B
The Knick: B
Restaurant Startup: B
Shark Tank: B
Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories: B

American Horror Story: Coven: B-
Bob's Burgers: B-
Going Deep with David Rees: B-
Hello Ladies: The Movie: B-
Homeland: B-
The Leftovers: B-
Mad Men: B-
Orange Is the New Black: B-
Parks and Recreation: B-
Troy: B-
True Detective: B-

Banshee: C+
Black Mirror: White Christmas: C+
Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule: C+
Chozen: C+
Comedy Bang! Bang!: C+
Community: C+
Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey: C+
Enlisted: C+
Getting On: C+
Girls: C+
Halt and Catch Fire: C+
Happy Valley: C+
The Honourable Woman: C+
In the Flesh: C+
Justified: C+
Loiter Squad: C+
Louie: C+
Masters of Sex: C+
Matador: C+
Orphan Black: C+
Penny Dreadful: C+
Portlandia: C+
Prey: C+
Rectify: C+
Review: C+
Silicon Valley: C+
South Park: C+
The Strain: C+
Trailer Park Boys: C+
Transparent: C+
Vice: C+
Wizard Wars: C+
Workaholics: C+

The Amazing Race 25: C
Archer: C
Bates Motel: C
Black Jesus: C
Face Off 6: C
Face Off 7: C
MasterChef: C
MasterChef Canada: C
MasterChef Junior: C
Modern Family: C
Mozart in the Jungle: C
Mr. Pickles: C
Saturday Night Live: C
The Taste: C
The Taste UK: C
Top Chef: New Orleans: C
Top Chef Canada: C
The Walking Dead: C

Bad Education: C-
The Driver: C-
Friday Night Dinner: C-
The League: C-
Key and Peele: C-
New Girl: C-
Peaky Blinders: C-
Sons of Anarchy: C-
The Trip to Italy: C-
Wilfred: C-

Broad City: D+
From Dusk Till Dawn: D+

The Amazing Race 24: D

So 97 + Friends of the People, which ends on Tuesday.


The Top 10 Fight Scenes of 2014

'Tis some fights before Christmas to watch in your house.

10. Wallace vs. Howard Howe (Tusk)
Kevin Smith [director] — All right, so here's the third act. He then goes and puts on his suit, you know, made of human skins, and so you realize he's done this before. So he's in it, you're in yours, and you guys have to have one of them walrus fights, like on the beach, where you slam each other.

9. Edwards vs. Bar Patron (The Knick)
Shot in part with a rig on Andre Holland's back.

8. May vs. May (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)
Dat head smash!

7. Go Geon-soo vs. Park Chang-min (A Hard Day)
No one does visceral brutality like Koreans.

6. Schmidt vs. Mercedes (22 Jump Street)
Lord and Miller [directors] — The scene was supposed to be them having a big, knock-out fist fight. And then, it's like weird and scary in a movie to see a man hit a woman, and could a woman provoke a man enough to where it might not seem so weird. After a couple of takes, their chemistry was so strong, we just said, well, what if you tried to kiss him? What you see in the movie is basically what happened after we said that. They improvised this whole, crazy kiss fight.

5. The Mountain vs. The Viper (Game of Thrones)
The best fight ending of 2014.

4. K-29 vs. Crazy Monkey (The Wrath of Vajra)
Crazy Monkey is played by famed Korean street dancer Poppin' Hyun Joon. A lot of this fight looks like wire work, but most of it was done in camera – no tricks.

3. Jack Crawford vs. Hannibal Lecter (Hannibal)
Bryan Fuller [showrunner] — After we finished the fight sequence with Hannibal and Tobias Budge, Laurence Fishburne came up to me and said, "You know, I trained like crazy for all the fight sequences in the Matrix movies. I'm pretty good at those too." So we honoured that request.

2. Ha Hou-mou vs. Fung Yu-sau (Kung Fu Jungle)
Smash Bros. x Toad's Turnpike.

1. Rama vs. The Assassin (The Raid 2)
While the ending of Whiplash is the most thrilling bit of film I saw this year, the second half of this fight – after The Assassin busts out his karambits – is 1A.

see also:

Black Me Out

What has two thumbs and was retweeted by Ryan Phillippe and Bow Wow this past weekend?

Juliette Lewis favourited the Phillippe tweet.

I tried playing New Super Mario Bros Wii with B's seven-year-old daughter, but she struggled to use a d-pad, and it hit me that she grew up with touchscreens and motion control.

Idea: Fitbit, but for cursing. Track your profanity usage.

Songs containing car horns (e.g. "i" by Kendrick Lamar) should be banned from radio play. It's discombobulating when you're driving.

My brother only drinks sparkling water now.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

51. Society's Lies (The Eric Andre Show, S03E07)

Stray Observations

  • The complete No-No List (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E11)
  • "Hey. No nose hair trimming."
    "Well, I hope you like nostril bush." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E11)
  • "Is it something you can hear Garfield saying? If so, it's glib." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E11)
  • "My keeping things light and being Garfieldian is the only reason we don't fight." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E11)
  • "Charles Boyle calls people 'baby' when he gets angry." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E11)
  • Brassiere in a paper bag (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E11)
  • "I like your hair. It matches your teeth." (Bob's Burgers, S05E07)
  • "You don't screw with a tri-delt." (Getting On, S02E06)
  • Getting On Season Grade: C+
  • MasterChef Junior Season Grade: C

(Black Mirror: White Christmas)

  • Black Mirror: White Christmas Grade: C+
  • Asylum! (American Horror Story, S04E10)
  • "You know what I see when I look at you spewing your shit? A dinosaur, roaring at monkeys sailing by, on bikes, with iPads." (Babylon, S01E06)
  • All the Emmys for Bertie Carvel (Babylon, S01E06)
  • The timing of this show… (Babylon, S01E06)
  • Babylon Season Grade: B
  • An Annotated List of Every Single Person Who Sang in the Colbert Finale (The Colbert Report, 12-18-14)
  • Vaping Lincoln (The Colbert Report, 12-18-14)
  • "I'm getting angry at liberals." (The Colbert Report, 12-18-14)

(The Eric Andre Show, S03E07)

  • "Life begins when Ryan Phillippe is horny and ladies be ovulating." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E07)
  • The Amazing Race: Blind Dates? (The Amazing Race, S25E12)
  • The Amazing Race Season Grade: C
  • "Really?"
    "With Seth and Amy." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E20)
  • Comedy Bang! Bang! Season Grade: C+
  • Toby Keith and Tim Meadows on both Colbert and Ferguson's finales (The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12-19-14)


Tell 'em we don't die, we multiply

I asked B's seven-year-old daughter what she wants for Christmas.

—Dinner at Gary Danko.


—You're too young to eat there.
—Noo, I ate at Plumed Horse…

—You bring your children to Michelin-starred restaurants?

At supermarkets in my area, you can buy pre-packed bags of non-perishable goods to drop in donation bins. It's perverse altruism, like corporations buying carbon offsets.


"California Lottery Scratchers make the perfect holiday gift."

But what if the scratchers you give don't yield any money?

Are there special holiday scratchers where everyone is a winner? And if so, most prizes can't possibly be very much – medium fries, maybe a breakfast sandwich.

Simply go to your nearest Lottery retailer, pick up a Golden Greeting envelope along with your Lottery gift purchase… [source]

Just regular scratchers. Trick or treat.

B: You're giving fun. The gift is fun. Winning money is a bonus.
Jon: Fun…

Jon: Would you rather receive scratchers, or a word search and some cash?

1000 Deaths

I hear nothing but terrible things about office holiday parties, but just once in my life, I would like to attend one.

My current job, the staff is scattered around the country.

Before this job, long-term unemployment.

Before that, I temped at the headquarters of a chain steakhouse, handling seasonal gift card sales. As a temp, I was not invited to the office holiday party. Instead, I ate at Chipotle and saw The King's Speech.

Before that, I worked in a gadget manufacturer's American satellite office. During my tenure, my boss never employed more than three people at once and understandably did not bother with office holiday parties.

Before that, more long-term unemployment.

And before that, office holiday parties for my job in college always conflicted with class. One year, I created foamcore decorations for the party, which I was told were a hit.

Livestrong bracelet, heh.

So yeah. Someday my office holiday party will come.