I need to find a way to be in London on August 12.

I think one of my cousins lives there.

Idea: A Blur/Gorillaz joint tour.

Has any musical artist ever toured with two of his or her projects? I know Conor Oberst played with both Desaparecidos and Bright Eyes at a benefit concert, but I mean a full tour opening for yourself.

Once upon a time, I envisioned a tour on which Sparta and The Mars Volta opened for At the Drive-In.

Idea: A wedding reception roast. Instead of toasting the bride and groom – roasting them. The head table doubles as a dais.

Steroids era players should be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame with the caveat that their inductions will be roasts.

The Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Roast of Mark McGwire!

Bar Mitzvah roast. Take it like a man.

Romantic Comedy Idea: A man discovers that the woman he's seeing has been adapting their dates into porno videos. Initially, she dates him purely for material to adapt into porno videos, but then she falls in love with him, but then he discovers her porno videos when his buddy sends him a link to one. He sees the woman he's dating with a man who resembles him and realizes that he's watching a re-creation of one of their dates.

The woman's "best friend" is the man's porno stand-in.

• Minor Leaguers Tweeting About Chipotle

Donald Sterling's ads in the Los Angeles Times deserve their own Tumblr – Sterling's Gold[.tumblr.com].

• Japanese Fart Scrolls Are the Best Scrolls

"Jon, how do I use a DVR?"
"What are you trying to record?"
"The Knicks game today."

My mother is caught up in Linsanity.

"He attended the same Chinese school that you attended. I know his mom."
"Oh?"
"Benji and Richard played youth basketball with him."

She forwarded me a video of him speaking at some Christian leadership event.

• Science Gallery's first foray into food, EDIBLE

Spike Lee reppin' the high school alma mater of this website's namesake

Spike Lee is the black Kevin Smith.

—Huh. Lin's number in high school was 4, a homophone of "die" in Mandarin.
—Were un-trademarked Adam Riff and Jeremy Lin classmates?
—I don't think so. Adam was in Seth's class, and Seth was one class below me, so Adam is at least four years older than Lin. So no. Adam's brother might have been classmates with Lin.

Regarding ESPN's "Chink in the Armor" headline: Jeremy Lin's Xanga handle was "chinkballa88." Is this like how it's okay for black people to use the word "nigger"?

Also: Lin labeled one of the photos on his Xanga "Homogay_Birthday."

Paying it backward?

• Glee's Chris Colfer wrote a film in which an aspiring journalist blackmails his high school classmates into contributing to a literary magazine to better his chances of getting into Northwestern.

Previously on Adam Riff™:
Idea: Michael Jackson, 2Pac, Jim Morrison, and Elvis as a covert league of extraordinary gentlemen. They didn't really die; they are just what Gotham needed them to be.

Idea: What if the members of SEAL Team Six were all famous recluses? What if they actually became black operatives?

What if Bill Watterson killed Osama bin Laden?

What if Amelia Earhart was Team Six's first recruit? What if she staged Hitler's suicide?

In Discovery's newest competition series MACHINES OF GLORY, three construction crews compete in outrageous challenges while operating massive machines like excavators, backhoes and skid steers.

"There hasn't been a heavy equipment competition show like MACHINES OF GLORY," said executive producer Scott Hallock. [source]

Have there been any heavy equipment competition shows?

One of the challenges has to be operating heavy machinery while UI, no?

"I can operate that chain trencher after consuming 11 tablets of Benadryl."
"I can operate that chain trencher after consuming 12."
"Operate that chain trencher!"

• Make this Alabama basketball fan a meme, internet.

A man and a woman marry and produce identical twin sons. Said man and woman then divorce and re-marry each other's identical twin siblings, so that the identical twin sons' stepparents are identical twins of their parents. Surely this has happened once in history, no?

The identical twin sons then choose to live with different biological parents, forming two identical families.

"Is he multiplying binomials? He's six!"
"He doesn't know what he's doing…"

When we dine out together, B pacifies her son in peculiar ways.

"He can do sudoku?"
"It's kids' sudoku."
"That exists?"

Every time an online survey ($5 off at chain restaurants!) asks for my age range, I instinctively select "18 to 24," before slinking the dot down to "25 to 34." It's like I'm an animated GIF.

So what we go out
That's how it's supposed to be
Living young and wild and free

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

While still in my 20s, I can no longer groove to songs about youthful abandon without feeling like a cool dad.

This is my impression of all my Tumblr followers: "Odd Future, Taylor Gang, swag, weed, ball caps, sneakers."

Rory: What is Taylor Gang?
Jon: Heh. I asked myself that too. It's collectively Wiz Khalifa's record label, his crew, his fans, and a lifestyle.
Rory: A lifestyle?
Jon: Like Amish or straight edge – Taylor Gang.

it's being free, being yourself, and just having fun, enjoying life, getting high, getting drunk, and getting money

Rory: He branded that as a lifestyle?

You ever think about mussels, and what odd living organisms they are? Mussels and clams.

Imagine being reincarnated as a mussel. Imagine Bam Margera's soul trapped in the body of a mussel.

Webcomic Idea: Celebreincarnations.

• The next era: Bittorrent for physical objects

Iwan Rheon and Antonia Thomas will not return for the fourth series of Misfits, leaving only two (out of five) original characters.

In its fourth series, Being Human [UK] is down to one (out of five).

I don't know the ins and outs of British television production, but it seems like actors are unrestricted free agents. It seems like actors run shows, not writers.

Meanwhile in America: "Breakout Star of 2011" Shailene Woodley is stuck doing 26 more episodes (at least) of The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Idea: An amusement park composed of rides and attractions that other amusement parks discontinued – the E.T. and Back to the Future rides at Universal Studios, Mulholland Madness at California Adventure…

Trader Joe's Falafel Chips
"A blend of corn and garbanzo beans with a special blend of herbs, spices and a whole bunch of veggies."

Fal-awful chips. They literally taste like lightly seasoned cardboard. Boulder Canyon's Hummus Chips are streets ahead.

Trader Joe's Mini Cheddar Chipotle Potato Bites
"Little potatoes, cut in half and filled with cheddar cheese, bacon, sour cream and chives, with the smoky kick of chipotle."

Satisfactory.

Trader Joe's Kettle Corn Cookies
"A crispy butter cookie with sweet and salty kettle corn pieces."

I wish the butter cookie base was softer so that the kettle corn pieces popped more. As is, the cookies are pleasantly one-dimensional.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate filled with Speculoos Cookie Spread

Bland Reese's Miniatures. The dark chocolate overwhelms the flavour of the cookie butter filling.

Stacy's Limited Edition 'Simply Cocoa' Pita Chips
"We knead semisweet chocolate and pure vanilla extract into our pita dough, twice-bake it into perfectly crispy chips, then sprinkle them with sugar."

Delicious.

Somewhere in Spain, Andy Rautins is dying on the inside.

Rory: Landry Fields = Shawn Michaels, Andy Rautins = Marty Jannetty.
Jon: So Jeremy Lin = Triple H?
Rory: The Cerebral Assassin.
Jon: D'Antoniration X.

Leo Rautins on Lin "All he can do is pick and roll" [source]

#gisel'd

If nothing else, playing Lin will help the Knix gain home court advantage on the road because of innate Asian tribalism. You heard it last night in D.C., and I bet you'll hear it next Tuesday in Toronto.

I've only ever been hired by Asian people.

• What do BYU students know about black history?
• Dream GOP Cabinet

Eliza Coupe: I changed as a person when I saw Ace Ventura. Because when I saw Ace Ventura, I became obsessed. I watched the movie as many times as I had to—back then, you couldn't go on the internet and find the script—so I watched it as many times as I could to write my own script of Ace Ventura. Notebook pieces of paper were all over the place. And I'd practice it if my parents had company, or they had a dinner party and it got so obnoxious, I think my parents got a bit concerned because I wouldn't stop doing the voices. Everyone was so annoyed with me. I vowed to myself to never do it again and now when I try to do it, the words don't even come out. Tragic. [source]

"Jane becomes obsessed with Ace Ventura" would be a good plot on Happy Endings.

My friend Shing became obsessed with Ace Ventura too. She could recite all of its dialogue verbatim.

How hot was Jim Carrey in the mid-'90s? All three of his films released in 1994 (Ace Ventura, The Mask, Dumb and Dumber) were adapted into Saturday morning cartoons.

The Dumb and Dumber cartoon features a new character, Kitty, a female pet purple beaver who appears to be smarter than both men. [source]

Jon: He puts the MSG in MSG.

Rory: Heh.

Jon: Madisodium Glue-teammate?

Rory: "Lin sent a DVD of highlights to his dream school, UCLA, who offered him the opportunity to walk-on." What could have been in '07-'08: Kevin Love, Russell Westbrook, Darren Collison, Jeremy Lin.

Jon: Kevin Durant "always wanted to go to UCLA" too, but Howland didn't pursue him. What could have been in '06-'07: Durant, Westbrook, Collison, Afflalo, Lin.

[pause]

Jon: General Lin's Knicken.

From Fred Davis, the Republican media strategist behind Christine O'Donnell's "I'm not a witch" ad and Carly Fiorina's "demon sheep" ad:

Pete Hoekstra's xenoph-abulous Super Bowl ad

Lorne Michaels should hire Davis to produce SNL digital shorts.