Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

50. Pasta Bañana (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E07)

Honourable Mention

  • Shootout (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)

Stray Observations

  • "So what's everybody's Christmas plans?"
    "I'm going to treat myself to a new penis." (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "Hey, where did all the tiny candy canes go? Augie…"
    "What? I needed them for my tiny candy cane trees."
    "But how the hell will my candy cripples walk?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "You're carolers, right? I love carolers."
    "Love killing them, or…?"
    "Nothing." (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "What's happening?"
    "We're pointing guns at each other's gingerbread houses, obviously."
    "Where were you even hiding that?"
    "Let's just say I have a high butt crack." (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "Okay, now you say something nice about me."
    "You have pretty…eye?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • Kevin's pronunciation of "ouroboros" (Shameless, S07E09)
  • "I do not show love regular. I show by doing. I fix bar. I watch kids. I cook. I give oral. I protect from dangerous Russian. Everything for these two."
    "Kev and Vee, are you hearing Lana?"
    "What is she saying?"
    "She gives oral." (Shameless, S07E09)
  • William McPoyle-ing (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "If you were to proclaim your humanity to the world, what do you imagine would greet you? A ticker tape parade, perhaps? We humans are alone in this world for a reason. We murdered and butchered anything that challenged our primacy. Do you know what happened to the Neanderthals, Bernard? We ate them. We destroyed and subjugated our world. And when we eventually ran out of creatures to dominate, we built this beautiful place." (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "The piano doesn't murder the player if it doesn't like the music." (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "Never place your trust in us. We're only human. Inevitably, we will disappoint you." (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "So, uhh, should I play some music or something like that? I have, like, a week left on my trial subscription to Tidal…" (Insecure, S01E08)
  • "Sorry for making this about me."
    "Yeah, make it about it's my birthday. It'll be about you if you get hit or have a baby." (Insecure, S01E08)
  • "Damn her pussy fat." (Insecure, S01E08)
  • "Is that why Lawrence hit you?" (Insecure, S01E08)
  • Insecure Season Grade: B-
  • "Never meet your heroes. Marie Callender was a real bitch." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "I know it sounds crazy, but the Caribbean might be more fun than Iowa."
    "In what universe?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "You pantsing Patrick Ewing has nothing to do with this." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place of work when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "BO-O-O-O-NE!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "The council of the cousins."
    "Look at them. It's like a beige of pigs." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "How many Knicks have you pantsed?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "You always smell just a little bit like vanilla."
    "That's my soap. I got it at Lush." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "Ohh, this was a double-edged coin." (New Girl, S06E08)
  • They shot at Costco but couldn't use an actual Costco card as a prop? (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E06)
  • "Oh, dad!"
    "Oh, sorry. That's my default way of speaking. I meant 'Ohh, dad…'" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E06)
  • "Mom, you said you'd be out here 10 minutes ago."
    "I'm getting JJ dressed, okay?"
    "JJ's right here."
    "Okay, fine, I was doing a maze." (Speechless, S01E08)
  • "Wow, so your boy got himself a snowflake."
    "And, he didn't even have to become a professional athlete." (Black-ish, S03E08)
  • "We want it to look like the VIP lounge at American Airlines."
    "I have $62."
    "Fine. Delta Airlines." (Black-ish, S03E08)
  • "So you mean to tell me that you have two John Mayer tickets on you at all times."
    "At all times. They tried to offer me Dave Matthews tickets, but I don't want a woman that white." (Black-ish, S03E08)
  • "A group of Korean women is called a 'raft.'" (Black-ish, S03E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


A Moon Shaped Poo

// Brooklyn, NY

Jon: Hi. The water in my bathroom isn't heating up past lukewarm.
Front Desk: Did you let it run for 10-15 minutes?
Jon: [pause]

I dislike how most hotels don't provide liquid hand soap.

For one thing, I perceive liquid soap to be more effective at sanitising my hands after wiping my butt than solid soap.

Moreover, washing my face with the same bar of soap that I wash my hands with after wiping my butt is unsavoury to me.

Those who hate Los Angeles have never been in love

Put a sriracha bottle on it!

Sriracha bottle is the "Warriors blew a 3-1 lead" of design.

No one wants socks or a skateboard deck with a Tapatio label on it?
Rory: Oh, those exist too…

Idea: Red Sriracha bottle condom with a green tip.

This year, Pepsi created its own emojis and Coca-Cola created a selfie bottle.

Where the #RCchallenge at?

And with that—

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

49. Kelly vs. Evil Ash Puppet (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E08)

Stray Observations

  • "Well, our boyfriend is coming over any minute, and he has a Bowflex!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E05)
  • "Okay, Gene, I have a plan."
    "Great. I have diarrhea." (Bob's Burgers, S07E05)
  • "Oh, God. I think I just bisqued my pants." (Bob's Burgers, S07E05)
  • Pablo! (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E08)
  • "It's just bad and boring, like avocado toast." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "Everyone likes stanzas." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "Gene, when you said, 'Tina, your play's got the goods,' and you said 'goods' like it had a 'z' at the end, that was just a bunch of crap?"
    "I never should have put that 'z' on the end. That's my biggest regret in all of this mezz."
  • "Don't get your pubes in a tube."
    "I will get my pubes in a tube! We should all get our pubes in a tube!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "I feel like my soul has diarrhea." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "But now those birds with perfect bodies / are decapitated hotties." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • ♫: The Delta Riggs – "No Friends" (Shameless, S07E08)
  • RT: Carl is terrible at throwing darts because he only has one eye. (The Walking Dead, S07E05)
  • "He's a coward. They're more dangerous." (The Walking Dead, S07E05)

(The Walking Dead, S07E05)

  • "I'm a killer. My God, my God…"
    "God has nothing to do with it. You killed her because…I told you to." (Westworld, S01E08)
  • RT: The Man in Black is trying to make his way to the center of a maze, so of course he and Teddy have to fight a man dressed as a minotaur on their way there. (Westworld, S01E08)
  • "There is no threshold that makes us greater than the sum of our parts, no inflection point at which we become fully alive. We can't define consciousness because consciousness does not exist. Humans fancy that there's something special about the way we perceive the world, and yet we live in loops as tight and as closed as the hosts do, seldom questioning our choices, content, for the most part, to be told what to do next. No, my friend, you're not missing anything at all." (Westworld, S01E08)
  • "Jackie Chan is too thirsty." (Insecure, S01E07)
  • "Let's do the nigga rundown." (Insecure, S01E07)
  • Titus doing the #UNameItChallenge (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • RT: Titus sees Enzo's cock, Enzo tells him "no pictures." They're just ribbing the fuck out of Titus at this point. (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • "I'll tell you whose fault it is…"
    "Roman Reigns!" (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • Jericho wearing Sin Cara's mask [and a Nakamura hoodie] (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • "Pretty big night. The three most important men in your life under one roof."
    "Well, Will Shortz isn't here…"
    "Ah. Burn on Holt…probably." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E07)
  • "These knives are a part of me, like that, uhh, scissorhand guy. What is his name again? Is it Rick Snip?" (New Girl, S06E07)
  • Crazyhead Season Grade: C
  • "I grabbed a little guac to help me cool off while Antonio continued to put it in the mitt." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E06)
  • ♫: "Since U Been Gone" (Search Party, S01E03)
  • Damn, Michael Showalter got fat (Search Party, S01E05)

The ending! (Search Party, S01E10)

  • Search Party Season Grade: C+

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Wish You Were Beer

Why didn't anyone tell me about this?

Pepe: Have you seen The Purge?
Jon: Yes.
Pepe: I just met with the company that produced it.
Jon: Oh, [redacted].
Pepe: Yes. They want me to write an immigration-related horror film inspired by my life.
Jon: Erm…
Pepe: I need your help brainstorming pitches. As you know, I don't like horror films.
Jon: Right.
Pepe: The last one I saw was… Is The Blair Witch Project horror?
Jon: Yes.

Jon: Remember when you visited that border town in Texas to cover the Central American refugee children crisis, unaware of how difficult it is for an undocumented immigrant to leave a border town in Texas, with border protection agents at airport security and border protection traffic checkpoints set up within a 45-mile radius?
Jon: That, plus late one night, a drunk militiaman harasses you, you two tussle, and you accidentally kill him, triggering a manhunt for you.
Jon: Escape from McAllen.
Jon: Children of Men × Judgment Night, with a little Running Scared mentalness mixed in.

Steven: I want an old-school serial killer film that focuses on gays.
Steven: Like an updated Cruising.
Jon: What does that have to do with immigration?
Jon: Well, undocuqueers…
Jon: A white, Trump-supporting, self-hating gay homophobe murders undocuqueers after having sex with them as the bottom.

Immigration Game is set in an alternate 2016. Germany refuses to receive any more refugees. The only way to obtain a residence permit is to participate in the popular Internet and television show 'Immigration Game.' Whoever participates as a "Runner" in 'Immigration Game' will be abandoned on the outskirts of Berlin and must make their way to the television tower at Alexanderplatz. For prize money every German citizen may chase and eventually kill the refugees entirely unpunished.

Eater's Digest: Philadelphia 4

Previously on Adam Riff™: Eater's Digest: Philadelphia 3

October 2016
beiler's bakery / itv / the sidecar bar and grille / skygarten / royal sushi and izakaya / south philly barbacoa / stock / little baby's ice cream / destination dogs

A low-key birthday jaunt.

Apple Fritter (Beiler's Bakery)
—A warm Beiler's apple fritter should replace the dying Great Barrier Reef as one of the seven natural wonders of the world.

Beef Fat Biscuit (ITV)
scallion honey butter
—Comparable to the stellar biscuits at Momofuku Daishō.

Chicken Liver Stroopwafel (ITV)
plum agrodolce

^ Chicken liver and jam is a tried-and-true combination. I had never had it in stroopwafel form, though.

Adobo Sidecar Wings (The Sidecar Bar and Grille)
ginger-cilantro kalamansi sauce, scallions
—Seemingly every time I visit Philadelphia, Drew's chef friends happen to be cooking stuff that he conceived. This visit: Filipino wings.

Jon: Are there any foods that you dislike?
Drew: Hmm…
[one minute passes]
Drew: Pears.

Hidden inside a Queen Village red brick row house, (Royal Sushi and Izakaya) is the darkest [visually] restaurant I have ever been to. Imagine eating Japanese food in the climactic fight of Ang Lee's Hulk.

I wanted to try (Little Baby's Ice Cream)'s Earl Grey Sriracha, Everything Bagel, and Ranch flavours, but the only intriguing flavour available when I stopped by was

Cheese Board Ice Cream (Little Baby's Ice Cream)
melted aged cheddar and chevre cheese ice cream, crushed crackers, toasted pine nuts, local triple berry jam

Anyway, Weckerly's is better.

(Stock) is one of Eater's "essential Philadelphia restaurants," and to my surprise, its proprietor didn't bother to build out a kitchen. Food is cooked on freakin' hot plates.

Vietnamese Iced Coffee (Stock)

Philly has a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb
Philly has a little lamb joint serving barbaco…a

(South Philly Barbacoa), Bon Appétit's sixth best new restaurant in America for 2016, is like Philadelphia's Pizzeria Beddia – wonky hours, limited menu, cash only.

Lamb Barbacoa Taco (South Philly Barbacoa)
Lamb Pancita Taco (South Philly Barbacoa)

^ Consomé (South Philly Barbacoa)
—Made with lamb drippings.

Previously on Adam Riff™:

O.M.G. Burger (LVB Burgers)
duck burger stuffed with muenster cheese, smoked ketchup, heirloom tomato, watercress, roasted duck mayo
—Where I began to wonder if I actually love duck, or if I just love Peking duck. [to be continued in Philadelphia]

Mighty Duck [Anaheim / SNA] (Destination Dogs)
duck sausage, duck confit in hoisin sauce, chicharrones, grilled scallions, sesame seeds
—More duck on duck, and more…nothingness. I fed most of this dog to dogs.


One Bite in Bangkok [Thailand, BKK] (Destination Dogs)
python sausage, cucumber salad, tomato pepper jelly, crushed peanuts, cilantro
—Python sausage.

The Underdog [Australia, SYD] (Destination Dogs)
kangaroo sausage, frizzled onions, vegemite aioli
—Kangaroo sausage with Vegemite mayo.

Racist food truck?

Tempura Cheese Curds (Double Knot)
yum yum sauce, cilantro

Duck Scrapple Bao Bun (Double Knot)
maple teriyaki, cucumber, chili

Rice Krispy Sushi (Sampan)
vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce, peanut

Chocolate Stout Vinegar Custard (Martha)
almond crumble, malted milk powder

Baba's Pumpkin Pie Kombucha (Martha)


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

47. Shawshank Redemption Role Play (The Last Man on Earth, S03E06)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

Heh. (The Simpsons, S28E07)

  • Chet Haze! (Shameless, S07E07)
  • "I just slipped my dick down your throat and you thanked me for it." (The Walking Dead, S07E04)
  • "Vaya con Dios, motherfuckers." (Westworld, S01E07)
  • "You think I'm scared of death? I've done it a million times, and I'm fucking great at it. How many times have you died?" (Westworld, S01E07)
  • "I read a theory once that the human intellect was like peacock feathers – just an extravagant display intended to attract a mate. All of art, literature, a bit of Mozart, William Shakespeare, Michelangelo, and the Empire State Building – just an elaborate mating ritual. Maybe it doesn't matter that we have accomplished so much for the basest of reasons. But, of course, the peacock can barely fly. It lives in the dirt, pecking insects out of the muck, consoling itself with its great beauty. I have come to think of so much of consciousness as a burden, a weight, and we have spared them that. Anxiety, self-loathing, guilt. The hosts are the ones who are free. Free, here, under my control." (Westworld, S01E07)
  • "Kinda feel like masturbating." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E06)
  • "Homely Lonelys – these are plain women who don't have grandkids." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E06)
  • "You still got errands?!" (Insecure, S01E06)
  • "I can't see shit behind this big ass hat." (Insecure, S01E06)
  • Nia Jax (WWE Raw, 11-14-16)
  • "Chince McMahon." (WWE Raw, 11-14-16)
  • "How drunk is he?"
    "Remember the night they cancelled Bunheads?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E06)
  • "Look at me. So drunk, I'm alliterating, like a beatnik." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E06)
  • Holt's obsession with balloon arches (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E06)
  • "Just so we're clear, when you say you're a 7 breathing down a 6's back, are you referring to Cece? Is she the 6?" (New Girl, S06E06)
  • "I used to crush at the gym, and now I'm just mediocre, like early Beyoncé. Nobody will say it, but you know it's true." (New Girl, S06E06)
  • Joe Manganiello (New Girl, S06E06)
  • "All white people want is a sense of a community." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E05)
  • "Who put you up to this? Your white friends? No more white friends! New rule!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E05)
  • "P to the E to the Eabo Bryson." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E05)
  • Channel Zero Season Grade: C+
  • "Are you sure your dad's not gay?"
    "What? Are you insane? My— That's the most ridiculous thing I think I've ever heard. He watches Top Gear." (Crazyhead, S01E05)
  • "Stroke of midnight, on Halloween, she'll act as a gateway. The legions of Hell will pour into this world."
    "Are they really gonna pour out of her twat like on the poster?"
    "No. That was a screw-up by the designer." (Crazyhead, S01E05)
  • "Yeah, now who's the dickhead with a canoe on his car?" (Crazyhead, S01E05)
  • "It was my sanctuary, to relax."
    "Shut up. It's where you hid your side-chicks."
    "Side-chicks are very relaxing." (Black-ish, S03E07)
  • "Why did I think you liked Furbys?" (Rectify, S04E04)
  • Masturbatory ending (Rectify, S04E04)
  • "Did we get cleared to show Jewish butt?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E05)
  • "I dreamt that I showed Jewish butt." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E05)
  • "Name one family that's just a bunch of cells."
    "Osmosis Jones." (You're the Worst, S03E12)
  • ♫: Martha – "Ice Cream and Sunscreen" (You're the Worst, S03E12)
  • "It looks like it should be screaming at an old lady in an Aphex Twin video." (You're the Worst, S03E13)
  • You're the Worst Season Grade: C+
  • American Horror Story Season Grade: C+

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Let's just kiss 'til we're naked

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Sep 2014):

I have never seen it, but Training Day seems like an odd film for marketers to keep referencing.

over a decade of training day references

I like how End of Watch is deemed worthy enough to be referenced, but not so much that it can't just say "from the writer and director of End of Watch."

Antoine Fuqua has since become the director of Training Day and The Equalizer. You know, that cultural touchstone THE EQUALIZER.

The trailer for Allied bills Robert Zemeckis as "director of Forrest Gump, Cast Away, and Flight."

The trailer for The Walk, Zemeckis' previous film, also bills him as "director of Forrest Gump, Cast Away, and Flight."

Forrest Gump and Cast Away I get, but Flight?

Evidently, Denzel is the Trump of cinema.

Q: How do you market a film by someone who hasn't done anything in 16 years?

A: List his oeuvre.

If Warren Beatty can be billed as the filmmaker of Bonnie and Clyde – a 49-YEAR-OLD film – then surely Robert Zemeckis can be billed as the director of Back to the Future.

And haphazardly, their piss is very flammable

Mensch on a Bench as an alternative to Elf on a Shelf – sure.

Mensch on a Bench family? Ehh…

More Jewish plush novelties is not how I would diversify. The market for Jewish plush novelties is just Jews, and only ones who are keen on Jewish plush novelties. You are returning to a decreasingly potable well that is no more than 0.19% of Earth's population.

Why are NyQuil and NyQuil Severe separate products? Why would I buy regular NyQuil if a stronger NyQuil is also available? Is NyQuil like antibiotics? Can I develop a tolerance to NyQuil?

Why is Doritos' branding futuristic? They're tortilla chips.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

46. Iguana vs. Snakes (Planet Earth II, S02E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Maeve tours Delos' headquarters (Westworld, S01E06)
  • Sam's chaotic morning (Better Things, S01E10)
  • Mark and Chris fight (Shark Tank, S08E08)
  • Walking Dead Chappelle's Show (Saturday Night Live, S42E06)
  • Football Party (Saturday Night Live, S42E06)

Stray Observations

  • "Vermont is nice…"
    "It's beautiful. The cows love dying there." (Bob's Burgers, S07E04)
  • "I'm gonna make like a tree and fuck you!" (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E06)
  • "There's my powerful vagina." (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E06)
  • Who's the Boss? (The Walking Dead, S07E03)
  • ♫: The Jam – "Town Called Malice" (The Walking Dead, S07E03)
  • ♫: Piano "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead (Westworld, S01E06)
  • ♫: Vitamin String Quartet – "Motion Picture Soundtrack" by Radiohead (Westworld, S01E06)
  • "Is she becoming, like, a fuckin'…hentai thing with you now?" (Westworld, S01E06)
  • "If you're getting fucked either way, go with the lucrative version." (Westworld, S01E06)
  • The Gallagher Home for the Homeless interior looks like Sheila's house (Shameless, S07E06)
  • ♫: Dylan Kelly – "Silver Lining" (Shameless, S07E06)
  • Fire sprinkler shower (The Last Man on Earth, S03E05)
  • "Roscoe's got some talent!" (Insecure, S01E05)
  • ♫: Problem – "D2B [feat. Bad Lucc and The Homegirl]" (Insecure, S01E05)
  • "I always thought it was about a girl named Sicario." (Insecure, S01E05)
  • ♫: St. Beauty – "Borders" (Insecure, S01E05)
  • ♫: Wall of Voodoo – "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash (People of Earth, S01E03)
  • "Seriously? It looks like they're pouring out of her lady hole."
    "I thought that was the obvious place. You think it should be her asshole?" (Crazyhead, S01E04)
  • "Gates of hell equals vagina." (Crazyhead, S01E04)
  • "Feelings have to run both ways. Otherwise, it's just like…masturbating into naan bread."
    "Why naan bread?"
    "Had an Indian takeaway last night. Some leftovers. Seemed a shame to waste it." (Crazyhead, S01E04)
  • "You're all terrible people, with the saddest tan lines I've ever seen coming off any Hawaiian flight." (Speechless, S01E06)
  • "All this talk of celibacy and male friendship. Meanwhile, I'm harbouring the nipple king of Lafayette High." (Speechless, S01E06)
  • "Is it a baby? I won't love it Ray, I'm sorry." (Speechless, S01E06)
  • "Jack took one look at what I did for a living and decided to spend the afternoon with a stranger doing maintenance work on the huh-vac."
    "It's H-vac." (Black-ish, S03E06)

(American Horror Story, S06E09)

(Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)

  • "Oh, I know…" drop (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)
  • "Jon, why do you always say 'I know' to dogs?"
    "I don't know. [dog barks] Right? I know… I don't know… I know… I don't know… I know…" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)
  • "I was ready to unleash my plan and turn this poo frown upside brown." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)
  • "You were great on Girls, by the way." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)

(Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E04)

  • Furbys (Rectify, S04E03)
  • "Or me, from Family Guy?" (South Park, S20E07)
  • "Miller, Von Miller." (South Park, S20E07)
  • "Ohh, he's pressin' pickle!" (South Park, S20E07)
  • Long unbroken takes (You're the Worst, S03E11)

(Jeopardy!, 11-10-16)

  • ♫: Laurie Anderson – "O Superman" (Better Things, S01E10)
  • Better Things Season Grade: D+
  • "What about undocumented immigrants?"
    "Oh, they're not going nowhere. Come on, man, you act like everybody trying to pick their own strawberries." (Saturday Night Live, S42E06)
  • Inside SNL – heh (Saturday Night Live, S42E06)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


All the spoils of a wasted life

Rory: Why are you doing this?
Jon: It came to me in my sleep last night.
Rory: That Wes Anderson is the white M. Night Shyamalan?

Wide Awake = Bottle Rocket
The Sixth Sense = Rushmore
Unbreakable = The Royal Tenenbaums
Signs = The Life Aquatic
The Village = The Darjeeling Limited
Lady in the Water = Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Happening = Moonrise Kingdom
The Last Airbender = The Grand Budapest Hotel
After Earth = Untitled stop-motion film about dogs

Jon: Hmm… Fantastic Mr. Fox (haven't seen) probably isn't Wes' Lady in the Water (also haven't seen), but The Darjeeling Limited is definitely his Village, and Moonrise Kingdom is definitely his Happening.
Rory: Swap The Royal Tenenbaums and The Life Aquatic.

Rory: Ha. The episode titles for Insecure:

Jon: Hmm…

Bottle Rocket = Guilty as Fuck
Rushmore = Insecure as Fuck
The Royal Tenenbaums = Broken as Fuck
The Life Aquatic = Messy as Fuck
The Darjeeling Limited = Racist as Fuck
Fantastic Mr. Fox = Shady as Fuck? (haven't seen)
Moonrise Kingdom = Thirsty as Fuck
The Grand Budapest Hotel = Real as Fuck

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

45. Showering Together (Insecure, S01E04)

Stray Observations

  • "How much for one cornea?" (Shameless, S07E05)
  • "What's the use, honey? Rich people always win." (Shameless, S07E05)
  • "You know Daniel is your Achilles' dick." (Insecure, S01E04)
  • "I think she walks to Ralphs to poop." (Insecure, S01E04)
  • "Is this from Pie Hole?" (Insecure, S01E04)
  • "How you ever worked with Drake?"
    "Naw, but I'm producing a track real soon for Ty Dolla $ign."
    "So…not Drake." (Insecure, S01E04)
  • "What if I could introduce you to Ty Dolla $ign?" (Insecure, S01E04)
  • ["Roman sucks" chant]
    Mick Foley: "My wife loves you." (WWE Raw, 10-31-16)

(WWE Raw, 10-31-16)

  • Taiwan politics (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E04)
  • Latino Morrissey fan (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E04)
  • "How Soon Is Now?" adjace (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E04)
  • I'm Jack Clovis, president of the Wallkeepers, and owner of a Blimpie Subs and Salads." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E04)
  • "Tony Danza is the first person to lift someone up! His letters were the only thing keeping Pac alive!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E04)
  • ♫: D.R.A.M. – "Broccoli [feat. Lil Yachty]" (You're the Worst, S03E10)
  • "Free chicken sandwich day, nigga!" (Atlanta, S01E10)
  • "I don't know the titty median here." (Atlanta, S01E10)
  • ♫: "Ride Wit Me"
    "This is Beyoncé's best song." (Atlanta, S01E10)
  • "What if we found out Ja Rule was just a dog?" (Atlanta, S01E10)
  • "Speaking of money, how you think these sunflower seed companies make money? They're only 75 cents a pack. And now they're coming out with all these different flavours. You got barbecue, teriyaki, sushi…"
    "Sushi, nigga?"
    "I don't know if I want no sushi seeds, man.
    "No, they're delicious."
    "Sushi sunflower seeds?"
    "Yeah, yeah."
    "Why you didn't get those?"
    "Don't really support sushi. I think it's a bigger issue than people talk about."
    "It's not like they killing the sushi and putting it in the seed, bro."
    "Oh, so that's artificial?"
    "That's artificial." (Atlanta, S01E10)
  • "48 Hours. All black cast. Does that even work?" (Atlanta, S01E10)
  • "If y'all ever break up, would that be weird?" (Atlanta, S01E10)
  • ♫: "Outkast" – "Elevators [Me and You]" (Atlanta, S01E10)
  • Atlanta Season Grade: A-
  • "Did it involve shitting in a sleeping bag?"
    "Shitting on a pie? In a cooler? Tub of margarine? Crisp packet? Shitting in a baguette?" (Crazyhead, S01E03)
  • "You cut off my ear."
    "It's a present for Christmas. It's the best day of the year. We each get a pickled ear." (American Horror Story, S06E08)
  • "Fear and exhaustion gives the jerky a delicious tang." (American Horror Story, S06E08)
  • "I'm supposed to go to Thailand next month. I've never been. I'm flying first class." (American Horror Story, S06E08)
  • "Do you want a joint?" (American Horror Story, S06E08)
  • "Shelby would never kill herself. She's way too self-centred to commit suicide." (American Horror Story, S06E08)
  • "If I die, I just want you all to know I had so many wonderful performances waiting for you." (American Horror Story, S06E08)
  • "You say 'tomato,' I say 'mommy.'" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E03)
  • "Do you have more of a fire engine red so it matches the nugget box?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E03)
  • "Dave, I'm so sorry that you're gonna have dementia when you get older. Let's savour this moment, even though he won't remember it." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E03)
  • "Totally cured, free guac!" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E03)
  • ♫: A Giant Dog – "Sex and Drugs" (You're the Worst, S03E10)
  • Doug Benson (You're the Worst, S03E10)
  • "Name one family that's just one person."
    "Suddenly Susan." (You're the Worst, S03E10)
  • "I have the wine" (You're the Worst, S03E10)
  • "What do you get somebody who wants to eat a unicorn? A unicorn bib! Yes! No! No, uhh, unicorn holders. You know, like, like corn holders, but for unicorns?" (The Good Place, S01E09)
  • "At night, it was pretty classic torture – flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv…" (The Good Place, S01E09)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Eater's Digest: Las Vegas 3

Previously on Adam Riff™: Eater's Digest: Las Vegas 2

October 2016
sake rok / lvb burgers / the buffet at wynn / eatt / gelatology / libertine social / the buffet at wynn / standard and pour / donut bar / the buffet at wynn / the goodwich / the buffet at wynn / eatt / dw bistro / bacchanal buffet / port of subs

This trip, I spent about $150 Uber-ing off-Strip to try stuff.

Big Poppa Tart (Donut Bar)

^ A one-pound donut with a Pop Tart inside.

I ordered one with a strawberry Pop Tart inside. It was sickeningly tasty, inexplicably reminiscent of birthday cake.

Crispy Rice (Sake Rok)
spicy tuna, serrano pepper, coriander, ponzu
—Amuse-bouche yaki onigiri.

Ratatouille Rolls (Eatt)
zucchini, eggplant, red pepper

^ I could do without the…shallots?

Exotic Fruits (Eatt)
coconut foam, passion fruit heart, macha tea meringue

Broccoli (Eatt)
gluten-free tortilla chips

^ Like guacamole, but made with broccoli.

O.M.G. Burger (LVB Burgers)
duck burger stuffed with muenster cheese, smoked ketchup, heirloom tomato, watercress, roasted duck mayo
—Where I began to wonder if I actually love duck, or if I just love Peking duck. [to be continued in Philadelphia]

Date and Bleu Cheese Jam (Standard and Pour)
buttered almond, bacon bread

^ I couldn't discern the bacon in the accompanying "bacon bread."

Crispy Oysters (Standard and Pour)
sriracha egg salad, flying fish roe
—Sriracha egg salad.

Venison Tartare (Standard and Pour)
cherry mostarda, white chocolate, quail egg
—Raw venison with white chocolate.

Wine and Cheese Sundae (Standard and Pour)
cheesecake blondie, merlot ice cream, brandied cherry
—Merlot ice cream.

Fruit Loop Panna Cotta (Standard and Pour)
orange sorbet, raspberry gummy, hazelnut

^ To my relief, the raspberry gummies were tender.

There is nothing that (Gelatology) won't infuse milk with. Among the gelato flavours available the night I visited: Boo Berry, Croissant Bread Pudding, Count Chocula, Halo-Halo Rice Pudding, and Green Tea Kit Kat.

(DW Bistro) fuses Jamaican and New Mexican cuisine.

Jerk Fried Calamari (DW Bistro)
sweet chile glaze, basil, sweet hot peppers
—Anemic jerk.

DW Fried Chicken (DW Bistro)
dusted with jerk-seasoned flour
—I ordered a side of fried chicken and requested dark meat. My waiter informed me that (DW Bistro) only fries white meat. "Fine," I replied. Then this arrived:

Chive Turkey (The Goodwich)
chive ricotta, cranberry, greens, walnut, chicken skin, swiss
—I came for this sandwich…

Pig o' the Week: El Escobar (The Goodwich)
butt n' belly, sofrito, avocado, plantain, pepperjack, apple
—and stayed for this one.

Jalapeño-Sour Cream Chips (The Goodwich)

[right] Negroni (Libertine Social)
juniper panna cotta cake, campari gel, pistachio crumble

^ A dessert adaptation of a Negroni. As I've never had a Negroni, I can't tell you how well it translates. It was a bitter dessert, though.

^ [left] Manhattan (Libertine Social)
rye whiskey bread pudding, vanilla and house maraschinos ice cream

Strawberry Gazpacho Shots (Libertine Social)
king crab, avocado puree, hearts of palm

^ Tart!

^ Parmesan Churros (Libertine Social)


Foieco (Naked City Tavern)
tortilla stuffed with fatty duck liver, duck confit, charred cherry tomatoes, pickled vegetables, and santa barbara uni cream
—Foie gras and duck confit and uni – oh my!

Bacon Candle (Naked City Tavern)
a square of solidified pork fat with a wick surrounded by a ring of sweet balsamic reduction, two high-end salts, and both bacon and basil powder

^ Diners light it up and wait for the grease to melt into the other ingredients, at which point they sop it all up with charred crostini.

Frito Pizza Pie (Flour and Barley)
topped with chili, cheddar cheese, onions, fritos chips, sour cream, and chives

^ Two pies in one.

KYGO Cloud Nine "S'mores" (Beauty and Essex)
dark chocolate torte, pecan graham crumble, marshmallow clouds, white and milk chocolate sauces

^ A Norwegian DJ-inspired dessert.

Decadence D'or Cupcake (The Venetian / The Palazzo)
palmira single estate chocolate, derived from the rare and fragile porcelana criollo bean; tahitian gold vanilla caviar, the world's most labor-intensive agricultural crop; louis xiii de rémy martin cognac, 100 years in the making; edible gold flakes; hand-blown sugar fleur-de-lis
—A $750 cupcake.


Pie in the horse

Rory: ???
Jon: I'm the Asian dude on The Good Place! Jon Yu as Jianyu!

Rory: What is this jack-o'-lantern? The letters A and F?
Jon: When you put a candle inside, it's lit AF.
Rory: [reading sign taped to bowl of candy] "I left these Twix out for Harambe, but you are welcome to take one." [pause] How are you not a dad?
Jon: I am one, remember?

Children: Trick or treat!
Jon: What have I here? [dabs] A non-sexy princess, non-sexy cat, non-cancer-stricken (I assume) Batman…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

44. "The year's most amazingly-directed television scene" (Quarry, S01E08)

The first seven-and-a-half minutes is one unbroken take. There's two seams – one when the plane flies overhead, the second as he throws the grenade in and it explodes.

Honourable Mention

  • Amy distracts Raquel's brother (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • Jon reads Gear-i's screenplay (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E02)
  • Potato Parcel pitch (Shark Tank, S08E06)

Stray Observations

  • Tina as Liberace (Bob's Burgers, S07E03)
  • ♫: End credits song (Bob's Burgers, S07E03)
  • "Think of your life as a good time, not a long time." (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E04)
  • "I wouldn't kill a spider either, because they're reincarnated wizards." (Son of Zorn, S01E05)
  • "Hey, uhh, you guys have any herpes cream I could borrow?"
    "Oh, yeah, I think we might. A friend left some here." (Son of Zorn, S01E05)
  • "No wonder Alangulon only knows about Zephyria through stereotypes. You've taught him nothing."
    "Well, maybe you should educate him. I find the best way to do that is through a culture's cuisine. That's how I learned all about Ohio." (Son of Zorn, S01E05)
  • Fried hay (Son of Zorn, S01E05)
  • "Can you use your karate to open up this pickle jar?" (Son of Zorn, S01E05)
  • The hatchet on the roof of the RV (The Walking Dead, S07E01)
  • RT: HOW DARE #TWD try to recreate the Fast franchise's outside dinner table camaraderie. (The Walking Dead, S07E01)
  • ♫: Piano "A Forest" (Westworld, S01E04)
  • "One more word and I'll cut your throat, understand? This is my fucking vacation." (Westworld, S01E04)
  • "This is the finest tobacco a man can enjoy, hand-rolled on the ample thighs of exotic women." (Westworld, S01E04)
  • "Slap leather, cocksuckers." (Westworld, S01E04)
  • "My fingers are Bugles." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E04)
  • "I told Molly I'd meet her at this stupid thing."
    "But you coming home, right? Don't let me catch you in the Rite-Aid."
    "Too soon." (Insecure, S01E03)
  • "Bitch, I'm-a call bell hooks on you." (Insecure, S01E03)
  • "Why don't more of them swim?"
    "Slavery." (Insecure, S01E03)
  • Jessica waking up Emery and Evan with the smell of a world history textbook (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E03)
  • "You shouldn't fuck with Mike Painter." (Channel Zero, S01E03)
  • "You must be confusing me with some other black guy." (Atlanta, S01E09)

(Atlanta, S01E09)

  • "Nigga, do I gotta explain alliteration?" (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Is this Hennessy?" (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "I prefer Craig Mack." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "It all takes place at a strip club. Two gangbangers hold a pastor, a drug dealer, and a pregnant teen hostage in the middle of Hurricane Katrina." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Can't eat if you don't open your mouth." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "I like Craig, but I love my money." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Jim Crow is haunting me / Like in that movie Poltergeist." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Every decent person has at least one triflin' thug in the family." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "I'm not gonna go back to Africa and find my roots, because, you know what? I'm fuckin' broke, dude." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Stop being so likable." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Amy likes to fish in the river."
    "Really? I didn't know there were fish in there. What do you catch?"
    "Goldfish. Starfish. Cod." (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • "What was that?"
    "It's foxes. Foxes having sex. They have barbs. On their dicks. It's a basic design flaw." (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • "Sometimes, if I've run out of toilet paper, I use sliced bread to clean myself. If I run out of that, I use slices of ham. It's like a poor man's wet wipe." (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • "Why did they bring him to an ice rink? Are demons into figure skating or something?"
    "Do demons like figure skating? Did you really just ask me that?"
    "I'm not familiar with their leisure pursuits." (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • "That is beyond gross."
    "You wipe your ass with meat." (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • "This is trending on Twitter – the real one, not the black one Empire owns." (Black-ish, S03E05)
  • "Haha. Like a regular Dane Cook."
    "That's not a compliment, Bow. We've gone through this." (Black-ish, S03E05)
  • "Why are you smiling? You know Charlie's not really dead, right?"
    "Yeah. But one day…" (Black-ish, S03E05)
  • "Leave me alone. I'm not American. I'm not used to all this carnage." (American Horror Story, S06E07)
  • Seasoning Lee's leg (American Horror Story, S06E07)
  • "GEEEEEAR!" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E01)
  • "I was really excited to try out some of my sweet new camping gear. These cool walking sticks took my mind off the fact that three out of four people on this camping trip were fucking all night. The fine craftsmanship of this Audubon bird call distracted me from the searing humiliation and emasculation of being left out of a sex orgy. These cool tiny binoculars allowed me to not only get a close-up view of a Eurasian wryneck, but also a bird's-eye view of three people fucking inside a GEERTOP double layer two person tent." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E01)
  • "Gear-i, would you read the lyrics to 'Hey Jealousy' by the Gin Blossoms?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E01)
  • Covering Steve's face with a black box in the title sequence (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E02)
  • "It's not an adult film. It's not a porno."
    "But we're gonna show tit." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E02)
  • "If we get the Glase, this movie gets AIDS."
    "Sorry, it was the first thing I thought of that rhymed." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E02)
  • "Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say 'yes.' On the other hand, snitches do get stitches." (The Good Place, S01E08)
  • "I used to take her to the mall sometimes and bought her churro dogs – it's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros, and it's tied together with a Slim Jim. It's an Arizona delicacy." (The Good Place, S01E08)
  • ♫: The Tallest Man on Earth – "Love Is All" (Better Things, S01E08)

(Quarry, S01E08)

  • Quarry Season Grade: C-

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta