Chuck Norris with a thesaurus

Apropos of nothing, I re-scored Westworld's opening credits with The Weeknd's "Starboy":

Jon: How many seasons do you think The Walking Dead will run?
Rory: 12.
Jon: Oof. I'd be 40 when it ends.
Jon: Chris Hardwick would be 50.

Jon: The Walking Dead is about to begin its seventh season and has already been renewed for an eighth.
Jon: Stargate SG-1, currently the longest-running cable drama in history, ran 10 seasons.
Jon: 12 may be low.

Jon: Norman Reedus is 47. How old do you think he will be when the inevitable Daryl spin-off ends?
Jon: Over/under: Eligible for full Social Security benefits.

Eater's Digest: Austin, TX

September 2016
barley swine / lick honest ice creams / franklin barbecue / brew and brew / hotel san josé lounge / cheer up charlie's / the side bar / odd duck / noble sandwich co. / cow tipping creamery / torchy's tacos / sway / shake shack / veracruz all natural / gourdough's public house / baton creole / the hightower / prohibition creamery / via 313 / easy tiger / royal blue grocery / noble sandwich co. / odd duck / la barbecue / tiny pies / lenoir / snooze / alamo drafthouse / whataburger

Beef Rib (La Barbecue)

^ "What am I eating?" I wondered as I chipped away at it. $22.00/pound. Each rib weighs about 1.5 pounds.

Brisket (La Barbecue)
Brisket (Frankin Barbecue)
—The gold stars are only for brisket with some fat. Lean brisket is trash, even Franklin's.

Steven and his friend Marissa drove up from San Antonio to help me eat the four pounds of Franklin brisket that I pre-ordered. We managed to eat about half of it. In retrospect, The Amazing Race's "eat four pounds of meat by yourself" Roadblock in season seven was mental.

I ordered the 10-course chef's tasting at (Barley Swine) and a root beer that was unpalatably rooty.


Pig Skin Noodles (Barley Swine)
shrimp dumpling, hot sauce

Mid-Tasting Palate Cleanser (Barley Swine)
watermelon shrub, basil and mint pearls

Dry-aged Akaushi Ribeye (Barley Swine)
bone marrow hash
—A heavenly slice of red meat.

Koji Rice Porridge (Barley Swine)
—Like a honeydew sago. Flashback to my childhood.

Potato Chip-Crusted Catfish Sandwich (Noble Sandwich Co.)
remoulade slaw, bread and butter pickles, tnp vinegar hot sauce, garlic bread

Smoked Duck Pastrami Sandwich (Noble Sandwich Co.)
russian dressing, rye pickles
—Odd-tasting duck.

(Odd Duck) is (Barley Swine)'s seemingly more popular sibling.


Pretzel (Odd Duck)
pig face carnitas, cheddar, fried egg puree

Beef Cracklin' Tater Tots (Odd Duck)
mustard bechamel, pickled mushroom
—I couldn't discern the "cracklin'."

Spiced Eggplant (Odd Duck)
sunflower butter, marinated feta, olive, sweet peppers

Chicken-Fried Fish Head (Odd Duck)
seeded dredge, salsa verde, mint, cilantro
—Much larger than I expected.

Coffee Croissant (Odd Duck)
pecan, whiskey, milk jam

Chocolate Layer Cake (Odd Duck)
mexican vanilla ice cream, chocolate potato chips
—The chocolate potato chips are just garnish, disappointingly.

Jon: I'm confused. This place (TOMS) sells coffee and shoes?

Activated Popsicle Shandy (Hotel San José Lounge)
charcoal lemonade popsicle, shiner blonde light

^ Charcoal, lemonade, beer.

'Son of a Peach' Dessert Donut (Gourdough's Public House)
peach filling, cinnamon sugar, cake mix topping

^ Cloying, even for my diabetic ass. My donut had, like, a ladle of icing slathered on it.

Peach Cobbler Pancake (Snooze)
peaches, almond streusel, vanilla cream, whipped raspberry mascarpone

Baked Potato Pancake (Snooze)
—A poor man's latke.

Jambalaya Baton (Baton Creole)
traditional rice-based dish smothered with the "trinity" of cajun vegetables along with garlic, tomatoes, and cajun spices; deep-fried on a stick and drizzled with remoulade sauce

^ I dislike how its chunks of sausage are skewered on the stick.

Cajun Poutine (Baton Creole)
seasoned waffle fries, melted brie cheese, badass brown gravy
—I ordered this to go and received the saddest box of waffle fries topped with a few slivers of congealed brie [gravy in a separate container].

Migas (Veracruz All Natural)
eggs, tortilla chips, avocado, pico de gallo, cheese
—Served as a taco.

(Torchy's Tacos) are…fine.

Green Chile Queso and Chips (Torchy's Tacos)
homemade chips with green chile queso topped off with guacamole, queso fresco, cilantro, and diablo hot sauce
—Torchy's queso, on the other hand, I still think about.

Fruit Cup (The Hightower)
mexican marigold ice cream, clementine sorbet, watermelon granita, chili and lime powder
—"What a curious play on a fruit cup," I thought, not realizing that it is a play on a MEXICAN fruit cup.

Banana Split (Sway)
milk chocolate five spice, condensed milk, and cashew caramel swirl ice creams; black sesame brownie, candied cashew, coconut milk jam, drunken cherries, bananas, whipped cream
—A Thai play on a banana split.

Its description as punctuated on (Sway)'s website –

– reads like it only features one flavour of ice cream [condensed milk and cashew caramel swirl], when it actually features three [milk chocolate five spice, condensed milk, and cashew caramel swirl].

"Bubble Cone" Stacker (Cow Tipping Creamery)
housemade vanilla egg waffle cone, green tea soft serve, toasted coconut dust, cornflake crumb, toasted sesame seeds, drizzle of white chocolate sauce, pocky stick on top

^ My bubble waffle was tough.

Signature Bourbon Ice Cream (Prohibition Creamery)
Sangria Sorbet Ice Cream (Prohibition Creamery)
Tiramisu Ice Cream (Prohibition Creamery)
Whiskey Chocolate Ice Cream (Prohibition Creamery)
—High-quality boozy ice cream.

Steven: This place (Star Seeds Cafe) has good food, but the wait staff treats you shitty if you don't have tattoos.
Jon: Soooo they hate Jews?

(Alamo Drafthouse / HBO)

Green Chili Lamb Sausage with Pretzel Bun (Easy Tiger)
lamb, queso blanco, escabeche
—The escabeche I can take or leave, but the sausage and pretzel bun are superb.

(Lenoir) is a wonderland of ingredient combinations.


Habañero Noodles (Lenoir)
cucumber lime broth, pepita-sesame crumble, mint oil

Braised Goat (Lenoir)
everything sourdough crepe, full-sour gherkin, thai chili mustard, barrel-aged beet hot sauce

Smoked Apple Crème Caramel (Lenoir)
chili coconut chicharrón, grape consommé

Brûléed Spice Cake (Lenoir)
cheddar ice cream, watermelon-fig salad, garam masala

Thai Lime Leaf and White Chocolate Profiteroles (Lenoir)
herb anglaise, cocoa nib

No dish I tried, however, was as wonderful as its optional

Miso Apple Sesame Bread (Lenoir)
eggplant pecan spread

'The Detroiter' Pizza (Via 313)
smoked pepperoni under the cheese, natural casing pepperoni on top
—I knew that Detroit-style pizza was square, but was unaware that traditionally, a layer of pepperoni lines Detroit-style pizza crust – pepperoni under the cheese.

Texas Two Step Pie (Tiny Pies)
—Combination brownie and pecan pie.

Texas Sheet Cake Ice Cream (Lick Honest Ice Creams)
chocolate pecan icing, chocolate ice cream

(Whataburger) is the lean brisket of burger chains.


(Lala's Little Nugget) – Christmas-themed bar.

Corndog Fish Collars (Barley Swine)
hot sauce

French Toast Fritter (Odd Duck)
butternut squash, coffee mayo, goat feta


Housemade Twinkies (Drink Well)

Donut Cone (Cow Tipping Creamery)

Tiramisu Pops (Sophia's)
mascarpone, coffee, housemade lady fingers

Asian Movie Night (The Peached Tortilla)
popcorn ice cream, asian caramel, rice puffs

Kimchi Arancini Balls (The Peached Tortilla)
wasabi and sriracha aioli, roasted nori

Honey Walnut Shrimp Po'boy (General Tso'boy)
battered wild caught gulf shrimp, sweet mayonnaise, candied walnuts

Honey Walnut Sundae (General Tso'boy)

Mexican Coke Sweet Potatoes (Lucy's Fried Chicken)

The Real Deal Holyfield (Valentina's Tex Mex BBQ)
tomato serrano salsa, fried egg, potatoes, refried beans, bacon, mesquite smoked brisket

Whip-Indianized Nachos (Whip In)
el milagro tortilla chips, braised black beans, kashmiri pepper queso, pico de gallo, cilantro chutney

Kashmir Frito Pie (Whip In)
spicy goat chili atop fritos with black beans, melted cheeses, sour cream, and cilantro

Mumbai Migas (Whip In)
vital farms eggs soft scrambled with grilled onions, feta, totopos, and cilantro chutney; topped with pico de gallo and served with black beans and basmati rice

Bangalore Biscuit Sandwich (Whip In)
vital farms fried egg, house made goat chorizo sausage, grilled tomatoes, mixed greens, and melted cheese on a fluffy indian spiced biscuit; served with grilled crushed potatoes

Naan Burrito (Whip In)

Jon: You had sex with your Uber driver?
Steven: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Steven: She gave me five stars.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

42. Dick Butt (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Nobody light a match or flick your butts over this way. You're leaking diesel all over the place."
    "Did he say 'flick your butts'?"
    "Excuse me, where can we flick our butts? 'Cause that needs to happen pret-ty soon." (Bob's Burgers, S07E02)
  • ♫: "Rip It" – heh (Shameless, S07E02)
  • ♫: Piano "No Surprises" (Westworld, S01E02)
  • "I'd like to lick your vagina and then tongue-dart your anus." (Divorce, S01E01)
  • "You know who you are? You're Jesse James, and I get to be Sandra Bullock. And I get to rise from the ashes of humiliation and win a fucking Academy Award." (Divorce, S01E01)
  • "Every black girl that went to college likes Drake." (Insecure, S01E01)
  • "Stupid idiom." (WWE Raw, 10-10-16)
  • "John Philip Sousa, the Skrillex of his day." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E04)
  • "I tried to make this fun. I even learned what Skrillex was." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E04)
  • "It's a perfect fall New York Day" – she says in what is clearly Downtown Los Angeles (New Girl, S06E04)
  • Coach (New Girl, S06E04)
  • WKRP (Channel Zero, S01E01)
  • Eva Air (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • Ghost (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • "Please call me by the English name I've chosen: Hennessy." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • "Economy?"
    "Plus." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • "There are no pedophiles in Taiwan. People are too busy getting things done to have time for any hobbies." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • "I guess I just have sweet blood." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • "That's why you work at Kinko's in the first place – because you're shady." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • ♫: Pixies – "Velouria" (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E09)
  • Chekov's floorboards (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E10)
  • ♫: "The King of Wishful Thinking" (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E10)
  • ♫: Bob Dylan – "New Morning" (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E10)
  • Halt and Catch Fire Season Grade: C
  • The Eric Andre Show's "We'll Be Right Back" music (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "You ever heard my song 'Illuminati Sex'?" (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • Nileseyy Niles (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "So how do you embrace your identity?"
    "I dress a certain way. Patagonia. I wear a thick, brown leather belt. I like to envision myself after the surgery. 'Hey, excuse me, what IPA do you have on tap? Hey, did you see Game of Thrones last night?'" (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "Excuse me, this is definitely the guy. He doesn't even live in the area. I've never seen him before." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "Rap is chickens coming home to roost." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "You hate women."
    "[bleep], what?!" (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "Most people don't realize their chakras in another universe." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "Come to our Liberty Centre and get a free juice and Nutella sandwich."
    "When I called Ahmad, my life was going nowhere fast. After a Nutella sandwich and juice, my life's a lot better." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "If you'd like to be smart as a baby dolphin, call now." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "You look like a dying palm tree." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • Doris Kearns Goodwin (American Horror Story, S06E05)
  • "But first, let's rouge each other's nipples." (American Horror Story, S06E05)
  • "Need I remind you that you are a servant as well. Do not think your velvet tongue and purple cock head are enough to make you any more than that." (American Horror Story, S06E05)
  • "It was said that madness always ran in the family. The line ended in scandal when the last Mott died in South Florida in 1952" – S04's Dandy (American Horror Story, S06E05)
  • "I was half-expecting you to be another high maintenance diva."
    "Oh, no, you're probably thinking of Ben Kweller." (You're the Worst, S03E07)
  • Ben Folds' famous smoked pork shoulder (You're the Worst, S03E07)
  • "Hey, folks, if you're gonna Instagram this, be sure to hashtag #BenFoldsSightings, #BenFoldsIsEverywhere, and #BenFoldsMovesToLA. If you do, I'll personally tell you what 'Brick' is really about."
    "…No." (You're the Worst, S03E07)
  • "If your Uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free." (The Good Place, S01E06)
  • "I've come to really like frozen yogurt. There's something so human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more of it." (The Good Place, S01E06)
  • "Well, since we're becoming friends, like Ross and Phoebe…"
    "Weird combo to pick, but okay…" (The Good Place, S01E06)
  • "I got her a painting of the best impressionist of all time: Frank Caliendo. He can do it all – fat Al Pacino, fat Jerry Seinfeld, regular John Madden…" (The Good Place, S01E06)
  • Ted Danson "pumping his fists" (The Good Place, S01E06)
  • "I give up. I can't help the people I promised to help. I feel like Friends in season eight." (The Good Place, S01E06)

(The Good Place, S01E06)

  • "Dude, I know you. You're Ramadan Steve." (The Eric Andre Show, S04E10)
  • Malfunctioning coffee mug (The Eric Andre Show, S04E10)
  • The Eric Andre Show Season Grade: B-
  • "CHONK!" (Saturday Night Live, S42E03)
  • Bruno Mars performing in basketball shorts (Saturday Night Live, S42E03)
  • "You wanna watch me whip and nae nae, Thembi?" (Luke Cage, S01E06)
  • "The ex-wife took all my money. She still needs the dick." (Luke Cage, S01E06)
  • Cottonmouth died so Mahershala Ali could appear in four 2016 film releases and be nominated for an Oscar (Luke Cage, S01E07)
  • "Domingo, sorry about the mess, hermano, but I have no doubt you have people that can clean up." (Luke Cage, S01E09)
  • "You think Peter Luger's is still open?" (Luke Cage, S01E09)
  • "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Luke Cage, S01E11)
  • Method Man (Luke Cage, S01E12)
  • Sway and Heather B. (Luke Cage, S01E12)
  • Diamondback's costume (Luke Cage, S01E12)
  • "Wait, wait, wait. Yo, the dude's talking about your moms, Luke. You reppin' Harlem, you better put it on him, son." (Luke Cage, S01E13)
  • Luke Cage Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Vegetated Swales

// California

Back home after three weeks on the road. How do wrestlers do it?

And I just visited four cities. In September, Chris Jericho traveled from Tampa to Detroit to Kansas City to London to Hong Kong to Manila to Shanghai to Baltimore to Tampa in the span of nine days.

Idea: Airline miles, but for television. The more television you watch, the more points you earn. Redeem your points for free months of cable/satellite television or a video streaming service, or free tickets to films or sporting events. Earn double points when you watch scripted television live.

Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar

// New York City, NY

Damn. BAM's Next Wave Festival looks dope.

Architecture doubles as instrument in this collage of offbeat pop songs and live construction. Building as they play, the band members coax an array of uncanny sounds from a set of amplified eight-foot-long sheets of Styrofoam wall insulation.

Kings of War
In director Ivo van Hove's clever merging of the plays Henry V, Henry VI: Parts I, II and III, and Richard III, three Bardian power players enter the fluorescent-lit corridors of the present.

Balletic refrains inspired by Boyz n the Hood and the historically black neighborhoods of Pittsburgh. Clips of the film's dialogue mix with the music of Handel and Sam Cooke.

Entangled in a dense field of 5,000 black nylon wires, a single body moves, incandescent and strange.

Memory Rings
A time-bending puppet fantasia on ecological themes.

The Magnetic Fields: 50 Song Memoir
Stephen Merritt and his seven-member band celebrate his 50th birthday with 50 new songs, one for every year of his melodious existence.

Oh. I'll be back in New York City the weekend of the Magnetic Fields event. Hmm…

Vaya Con Edison

// New York City, NY

Idea: A combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell in a combination Residence Inn and Courtyard.

There is a Broadway musical about the lives of Gloria Estefan and her husband?

According to Wikipedia, it climaxes at the 1991 American Music Awards.

The name "IT'SUGAR" irritates me mightily. It looks like a meme caption and combines two different pronunciations of the letter S.

I hate menus on which the items are just lists of ingredients. It's like paying to judge Chopped.

Gunshow Poophole

The main title sequences for Westworld and Luke Cage were made by the same man. He also made the main titles for The Night Manager and Halt and Catch Fire.

Season three of Lip Sync Battle premieres on Wednesday with… Ben Kingsley vs. John Cho?!

I have so many questions.

This man interviewed the president.

Jesus Saves, Dutch Kills

// New York City, NY

Free wi-fi for subway riders isn't cool. You know what's cool? Countdown clocks in all subway stations/for all subway lines.

None of the ads for the New York City Marathon that I've seen on subway trains feature any black people.

My hotel's fitness centre gets NFL RedZone.

I encountered a baby boomer in said fitness centre today lifting weights in a dress shirt, suit pants, and dress shoes, his suit jacket hanging on the seat of a recumbent exercise bike.

Blokes in Astoria sure like wearing sweatpants.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

41. Immersion Therapy (You're the Worst, S03E06)

Stray Observations

(Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E01)

  • "Hey, Earl Sweatpants." (Son of Zorn, S01E03)
  • "And they cheered for their hero, for they knew their burritos would be bland no longer." (Son of Zorn, S01E03)
  • "I've taken it upon myself to ensure that future generations will know the story of Alangulon, kicker of fat kids, haver of sadistic rage underneath his effeminate exterior, future castrater of Craig!" (Son of Zorn, S01E03)
  • ♫: Piano "Black Hole Sun" (Westworld, S01E01)
  • Rick and Morty (Shameless, S07E01)
  • Teen moms (Shameless, S07E01)
  • "Lullaby time. Go to sleep / Daddy's dead / But his ghost's always watching…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E03)
  • "When singing Toto, why is it always 'Africa'? They've got a deep catalog!" (New Girl, S06E03)

(Atlanta, S01E06)

  • "Sometimes Grandma forgets she's been saved." (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • O.J.: Made in America (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • "'10 million fireflies' is hard to recover from." (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • "I'm sure you've paid for more than your fair share of murder flowers." (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • "Ooh. Anything to eat in there?" (You're the Worst, S03E06)
  • "Ooh. Flautas – Mexico's spring roll." (You're the Worst, S03E06)
  • "Honestly, I'd murder for a Coke Zero." (American Horror Story, S06E04)
  • "Tell me, young man, have you ever heard the term 'gay for pay'?" (American Horror Story, S06E04)

(American Horror Story, S06E04)

  • "There ain't no return policy. This ain't L.L. Bean." (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • ♫: Wu-Tang Clan – "Bring Da Ruckus" (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • "Shut up, Black Mariah!" (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • A bazooka? (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • "You look like a damn fool." (Luke Cage, S01E04)
  • "Teddy Riley, Big L, A$AP Rocky." (Luke Cage, S01E05)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


We ain't ever getting older

// Philadelphia, PA

Today is my 34th birthday. I took a red-eye from Las Vegas to celebrate it in Philadelphia. First time wearing pants in months.

Yesterday, I realized that I did not acknowledge the 16th anniversary of Adam Riff™ on September 10.

Come next September 10, I will have operated this website for half of my life.

These violent delights have violent ends

// Las Vegas, NV

I wonder how Thomas Keller and Daniel Boulud feel about being marketed alongside Cake Boss.

Oh, this is a touring show?

Al Pacino is doing two evenings in Buenos Aires at the end of October.

The Palazzo is hosting a baccarat championship, which… It's a game of chance. There's no skill or strategy involved.

Video blackjack with a live dealer is the best of both worlds – no socializing necessary, and no computer dealer shenanigans.

How did Spy vs. Spy get a slot machine?


If washrooms in a place are single-use, and the men's washroom is occupied, is it acceptable for a man to use the women's washroom?

Desert Trip

// Las Vegas, NV

While my Uber is stopped at a red light, I look to my right.

Does that say… Penis? Oh. Puppetry of the Penis. Oh. Erotic Heritage Museum.

"Home of the world's largest sex bike."

Sapphire Las Vegas is the world's largest strip club, offering "more than 70,000 square feet of topless entertainment."

[googles "world's smallest strip club"]

At Top Shot Las Vegas, you can shoot real guns at your friends:

The "futuristic" ammo is non-lethal.

Meanwhile, at Adventure Combat Ops, you can shoot zombies with real special operatives:


Ross has two stores on the Strip for some reason.

Idea: A Coca-Cola Freestyle machine, but for cocktails.

I'm a motherfuckin' starboy

// Las Vegas, NV

What if his restaurant struggles?

Vegas's got America's Got Talent talent.

The Spa at Monte Carlo's specialty treatment is "the champagne and caviar facial, which reduces fine lines."

Aria not having a Cirque du Soleil show is like USC not having a men's soccer team.

Radiohead has only played Vegas twice, "opening for Tears for Fears in 1993 at the Aladdin—where a furious Thom Yorke reportedly kicked out half the stage lights—and again in 1995 at the old Joint, during a problem-plagued tour with Soul Asylum." #LastTimeTrumpPaidTaxes

Pikachus are the new Olafs. I saw two Pikachus side by side outside The Linq. Olafs aren't going away, though.

Where does one get an adult-sized Pikachu costume?

"When I grow up, I want to be a gondolier in an artificial indoor canal."

Adding dancing fountains outside the Wynn – really, Steve?

Bellagio adjace.

I feel like working in luxury retail here is an easy job, because I never see anyone in luxury retail stores, let alone buying stuff.

The restaurant in Trump's hotel is named "DJT."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

40. Guns don't kill people (Atlanta, S01E05)

Honourable Mention

  • Silent Student Film (You're the Worst, S03E05)
  • Chris Jericho (The Eric Andre Show, S04E08)
  • Mr. Robot (Saturday Night Live, S42E01)

Stray Observations

  • "How could she be so sick but still so strong?"
    "Like the economy!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E01)
  • "It's so cool how he's, like, a spirit that can be different things to different people."
    "Like Tom Brady." (Bob's Burgers, S07E01)
  • "Chicks love corn nuts." (Son of Zorn, S01E02)
  • Betty Draper shot Don Draper (The Last Man on Earth, S03E01)
  • "God, Tandy, why do you have such a tent in your shorts about these guys?"
    "That's collected fabric!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E01)
  • Ballers Season Grade: D
  • "Cool, cool cool cool cool cool. Our country is broken." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
  • "See you never, drive-through vape station!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
  • "We can outsmart some small town sheriff. We're NYPD detectives. We caught the Son of Sam. Ice T plays us on TV. We keep the Tonys safe." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
  • "Enjoy your blood yogurt." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E02)
  • "Maria Conchita Alonzo. Celery Flintstone." (New Girl, S06E02)
  • "'Every moment you're on this earth is a moment I know where you are.' You know who wrote that?"
    "Great James Baldwin."
    "No, you wr— James Baldwin? What?!" (New Girl, S06E02)
  • Black Bieber (Atlanta, S01E05)
  • "How much for a beer?"
    "Oh, it's gratis."
    "Oh, well… I'll have a Hennessy and Grand Marnier." (Atlanta, S01E05)
  • "I guess I've been trying to be so cool lately that I became something I'm not."
    [turns hat forward]
    "This is me. This is the real Justin." (Atlanta, S01E05)
  • "People don't want Justin to be the asshole; they want you to be the asshole. You're a rapper. That's your job." (Atlanta, S01E05)
  • Biz Markie (Empire, S03E02)
  • Andre's life matters? (Empire, S03E02)
  • "We have surrounded our kids with so much white people stuff that they no longer believe in God. So, from here on out, no more almond milk, radicchio, hummus, goat cheese, or quail egg. To hell with Whole Foods. From here on out, we are a Food 4 Less family. And you know who shops there? True believers." (Black-ish, S03E02)
  • Cuba Gooding Jr. doggystyling Lady Gaga (American Horror Story, S06E03)
  • A Taiwanese dude named "Jianyu" (The Good Place, S01E04)
  • "It's impossible for anything to be more perfect than perfect."
    "It isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé." (The Good Place, S01E04)
  • "Beautiful, beautiful Jacksonville." (The Good Place, S01E04)
  • "Of course I have dreams, man. I don't want to be a DJ in Jacksonville forever. I want to DJ in Daytona, Tallahassee, Tampa even. I want it all." (The Good Place, S01E04)
  • "Bortles!" (The Good Place, S01E04)
  • An episode told from a dog's point of view (High Maintenance, S01E03)
  • Hannibal Buress roundhouse-kicking Flavor Flav in the face (The Eric Andre Show, S04E08)
  • J.B. Smoove? (Transparent, S03E01)
  • Nathan Fielder? (Transparent, S03E02)
  • "Jewish men don't do demo."
    "I am a Jewish woman, Joshy, and Jewish women do whatever the fuck they want." (Transparent, S03E05)
  • "Who's Trevor?"
    "He's the gay who comes with my room. I am on a completely different level. I get a poached egg on demand." (Transparent, S03E10)
  • Transparent Season Grade: C+
  • Raphael Saddiq (Luke Cage, S01E01)
  • "You like my Biggie photo?" (Luke Cage, S01E01)
  • "Just slapped you like a little bitch. I'm not the kind of man to used a closed fist on a woman." (Luke Cage, S01E01)
  • An ABC production using a TNT NBA telecast (Luke Cage, S01E02)
  • "I'm surprised to see you this far uptown."
    "I'm mostly midtown nowadays. Puffy ain't got shit on me, baby. I'm the real bad boy worldwide." (Luke Cage, S01E02)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Jewelry and Firearms

// Austin, TX

Seems like every girl here is gluten-free.

Why am I being warned about the risks of drinking while pregnant in a men's washroom?

"Whiskey" without an E looks wrong.

A homeless dude slumped over in a wheelchair on the side of a highway exit ramp turned down my La Barbecue leftovers because of an upset stomach.

Great OutDogs is "the go-to place for outdoor-related dog gear." [pause] White people, amirite?

The Indian musical numbers and Indian music videos that precede Fantastic Fest screenings seemingly all feature a middle-aged-looking man with a mustache and dad bod singing and dancing with a horde of young women.

Floppy Disk Repair

// Austin, TX

Chefs here sure like goat cheese.

The Texas School for the Deaf has a football team. What schools do they play?

I hate that you have to go up to Barton Springs or down to West Mary to get from South First to South Lamar. Bouldin = Lake Union in Seattle.

I walked down East Sixth Street on a slow night. It was just a parade of loitering bouncers.

Still no Brandon Stroud sighting at Fantastic Fest.

When a bed has a flat tucked-in sheet on top of a fitted sheet, are you supposed to sleep under said flat sheet?

No Guns, No Smoking, No Meanies

Carnival Cruise Corporation Venturing Into Original Programming

Carnival has created three original TV programs that will air on major networks on Saturday mornings beginning October 1.

"Vacation Creation," featuring "In Living Color" star and comedian Tommy Davidson and YouTube celebrity Andrea Feczko as hosts, personalizes vacations of a lifetime for couples, individuals and families facing hardship, in need of hope or seeking much-needed time together.

Carnival Cruise Corporation created a television programme in which In Living Colour's Tommy Davidson and a YouTube celebrity surprise the tired and poor with dream vacations.

It's like a Mad Lib.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

39. Toy Story (Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio, S01E10)

Honourable Mention

  • Graveyard Slumber Party (One Mississippi, S01E06)

Stray Observations

  • Mike Schur "cameo" (The Good Place, S01E01)
  • Point system examples (The Good Place, S01E01)
  • An Asian character named "Jianyu" (The Good Place, S01E01)
  • Ted Danson licking his sweat (The Good Place, S01E02)
  • "I wasn't freakin' Gandhi, but I was okay… I was a medium person. I should get to spend eternity in a medium place, like Cincinnati. Everyone who wasn't perfect but wasn't terrible should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati." (The Good Place, S01E02)
  • "We could've literally been flying, and all you wanted to do was talk about morals. I mean, you're like the worst part of Superman." (The Good Place, S01E02)
  • "I'm not a mountain of strength; I'm a canyon…full of poo poo." (The Good Place, S01E02)
  • "End of the line, slut."
    "I'm sorry. Huh? What are you trying to say?"
    "He said, 'End of the line, slut'!" (Vice Principals, S01E09)
  • Principal Gamby knife (Vice Principals, S01E09)
  • Vice Principals Season Grade: D+
  • Father John Misty (Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio, S01E10)
  • Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio Season Grade: D
  • DJ B-day (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E01)
  • "That's a high school graduation ring. Dan Marino High."
    "Marino High. Home of the Dolphins, I suspect."
    "No, Pet Detectives."
    "Classic film. One of my childhood favourites. And it only gets overtly transphobic at the very end, so, a win." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E01)
  • "I poked my head in the shower. Perfect. Gentle, unrelenting pressure. Like when my mom made me rehearse my Haftorah portion. (New Girl, S06E01)
  • Schmidt's pronunciation of "coupons" (New Girl, S06E01)
  • "You can't control who you panache." (New Girl, S06E01)
  • "Narnia…" (New Girl, S06E01)
  • Arthur meme (Atlanta, S01E04)
  • "But you know who Steve McQueen is, though."
    "Yeah, well, I'm Nigerian." (Atlanta, S01E04)
  • "Black people don't know who Steve McQueen is." (Atlanta, S01E04)
  • "Chinese people are short 'cause of Genghis Khan." (Atlanta, S01E04)
  • ♫: Michael Kiwanuka – "Home Again" (Atlanta, S01E04)
  • Birdman (Empire, S03E01)
  • "You got to go ahead of Green Day. Did you see the puss on Tré Cool?" (Black-ish, S03E01)
  • "This isn't Burn Notice. There are no blue skies for you out there. Characters like you are not welcome here." (Mr. Robot, S02E12)
  • "" (Mr. Robot, S02E12)
  • "What is really happening?" (Mr. Robot, S02E12)
  • Mr. Robot Season Grade: C
  • "That's what the money's for!" (You're the Worst, S03E04)
  • "Nothing gets this pimp through a dumb baby class like toilet beer." (You're the Worst, S03E04)
  • "Rainbro Cones" (One Mississippi, S01E05)
  • One Mississippi Season Grade: C-

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Dishoom Reigns

// Austin, TX

Traffic lights here stay green hella long.

Big Red is no Cheerwine.

You can't twist the cap off a bottle of Mexican Coca-Cola?

H-E-B's logo reminds me of Ren and Stimpy.

Steven thought Whole Foods Market was a local chain.

I got stuck behind Harry Knowles and his wheelchair while trying to exit the Fantastic Fest venue to catch a bus.