Should I ask him if he liked DJANGO?

Rory: The National League is the Big 12 – everyone plays everyone. The American League is the SEC – everyone plays eight instead of nine conference games for a competitive advantage. DHs = FCS teams.

Jon: What happens next year when the Rose Bowl isn't hosting a College Football Playoff semifinal? Does ESPN counterprogram the "grandaddy of them all" with a playoff game? I mean, you can't move the Rose Parade…
Rory: Sandwich the Rose Bowl between the two playoff games.
Jon: Like it's a women's wrestling match?

Rory: Oh. In years when the Rose Bowl doesn't host a semifinal, the semifinal games will be played on December 31.
Jon: I can understand exhibition bowls on New Year's Eve, but playoff games?
Rory: Hey, last year's Chick-fil-A exhibition at 8:00 PM on December 31 drew the highest rating for a non-BCS bowl game on ESPN since 2000.
Jon: Hmmph. So New Year's Eve is Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock, and New Year's Day is Triple H vs. Chris Jericho.
Rory: In years when the Rose Bowl doesn't host a semifinal.

Jon: When the College Football Playoff expands to eight teams, the quarterfinal games should all be played on the first day of the bowl fortnight. Make December 20…Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart.
Rory: [pause]
Jon: WrestleMania X, not SummerSlam 1994.
Rory: Ohhh… So New Year's Eve is…Shawn Michaels vs. Razor Ramon, and New Year's Day is Bret vs. Yokozuna?
Jon: In years when the Rose Bowl doesn't host a semifinal. In years when it does…

Jon: In years when it does, December 20 is SmackDown Money in the Bank, New Year's Eve is Christian vs. Randy Orton, and New Year's Day is CM Punk vs. John Cena.


Starbucks Lovers


The fuck is this?

Rory: Where would you rank Charlie Hunnam's career among Undeclared cast members?
Jon: Hmm… Well, among the main cast, second, behind Seth Rogen.

1. Seth Rogen
2. Charlie Hunnam
3. Jay Baruchel
4. Loudon Wainwright III
5. Carla Gallo
6. Timm Sharp
7. Monica Keena
8. Christina Payano

Jon: Among the extended cast, though… Umm… Fifth?

1. Seth Rogen
2. Kevin Hart
3. Amy Poehler
4. Jason Segel
5. Charlie Hunnam

Jon: Had he not dropped out of 50 Shades of Grey, he would be four and Segel five.


Get happy or get your ass out


Let's judge this book by its cover:

Hot or not?

Oh it was filmed in Thailand! And the victims are all lesbians!

Allie has to decide fast… stay in this human cesspool and track down the killer, or return home to Detroit.

She chooses the less disturbing and dangerous option.

Bangkok. She chooses to stay in Bangkok.

Obviously people abbreviate and use accepted shorthand when texting, but this is ridiculous. "Sry sum dork naybr" and "no wz awsum, seriosly" are some of the more legible examples.

And while I'm no connoisseur of sexy-time chat-rooms, I find it hard to believe mimes make a habit of hanging out in them. [source]

#OMGWTFDVD

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

49. Michael Jackson's "Black Or White" video morphing HANNITIZED (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Terry loves kreplach." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • "I had an airtight break-up plan in place. I made a reservation next Thursday at a well-lit Korean restaurant in Midtown. It's the least romantic place I could think of." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • "Now I know how Salieri felt." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • [fires gun] "Shut up…" (The Walking Dead, S05E08)
  • "Cupcake-flavoured ice cream served on a waffle. Pizza tacos. Robot cake. Hot fudge car wash." (Bob's Burgers, S05E05)
  • "There's no such thing as an innocent fart anymore." (Getting On, S02E04)


(Getting On, S02E04)

  • "I'm studying anogenital distances, gender flips, vaginal atrophy, I have been invited to participate in the Cochran study on anal augmentation for female fecal incontinence…" (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "We can no longer sweep female fecal incontinence under the rug." (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "It was the harmless transmission of an errant vulva." (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "I'm a damn feminist who loves purses. Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings? In a purse. That's where."
    "Lena Dunham… [pause] I don't know… I–" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • "What's your favourite thing about America?"
    "Kentucky women."
    "Favourite part of The Rock?"
    "'Welcome to the Rock.'" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • "Now she works whenever she wants. It's a scam called 'consulting.'" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • Drink every time Chibs or Tig receives a phone call and informs Jax what his next scene is (Sons of Anarchy, S07E12)
  • "Go home, Wayne."
    "I can't do that. This is all I got left." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E12)
  • "Leave."
    [grabs leaves] (Modern Family, S06E09)
  • "There is not an Esther Choi on Earth who needs math tutoring." (Modern Family, S06E09)
  • "You race card, sir."
    "Ah, my African-American Express." (Black-ish, S01E09)
  • "Freemium gaming destroys lives. I lost my father to Candy Crush." (South Park, S18E09)
  • "All I do is rip off Missy." (South Park, S18E09)
  • "Death would be preferable to Tampa." (American Horror Story, S04E08)
  • It's matricide week on FX (American Horror Story, S04E08)
  • "I'm not going back to Instagram." (Babylon, S01E04)
  • 2Pac's "California Love" HANNITIZED (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "I'm using Asian condiments to loosen these cuffs." (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "What do you think Drag-On is up to now?" (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)


(The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)

  • "Some garbage is OK." (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "His first name is a crime. Please welcome Rob Corddry." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E18)
  • "813.54."
    "You still remember my Dewey Decimal number."
    "Zero."
    "You still remember the amount of times I've had sex." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E18)
  • "I have a thyroid issue, like my father before me." (Saturday Night Live, S40E08)

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: Portland, OR

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I trekked out to a bakery in northeast Portland, and it had closed early so that the staff could go apple picking, because of course.


October 2014

nong's khao man gai / pacific pie company / salt and straw / le pigeon / cool moon ice cream / lardo sandwiches / lauretta jean's / bunk sandwiches / veritable quandary / ox / blue star donuts / the people's pig / i heart this cart


Gold Stars


Five Chilled Seafood Preparations (Ox)
oregon bay shrimp ceviche, dungeness crab cocktail, octopus poke, scallop salad "dynamite," salmon gravlax tartare

Roasted Brussels Sprouts
"everything" bagel seasoning, chive mascarpone, smoked salmon roe
—Deli-cious.


Avocado and Cantaloupe (Le Pigeon)
fluke, saffron, ginger, chilies

Chicken and Oxtail (Le Pigeon)
semolina gnocchi, taleggio, green beans, tomato crema


Foie Gras Profiterole[s] (Le Pigeon)
caramel sauce, sea salt

Apple Sour Cream Streusel Pie (Pacific Pie Company)



Khao Man Gai [Chicken and Rice] (Nong's Khao Man Gai)

I saw Nong on Chopped and sought out her food cart. Served in butcher paper, her khao man gai puts Hainanese chicken rice to shame.


I effort to try a chocolate pecan pie in every city I visit.

Chocolate Bourbon Hazelnut Pie (Pacific Pie Company)

Looks like a chocolate pecan pie, tastes like a Ferrero Rocher. I dug it.

Passion Fruit and Cocoa Nib Donut (Blue Star Donuts)
Blueberry Bourbon Basil Donut (Blue Star Donuts)



Foie Gras Terrine (Ox)
pear prosciutto, pickled chanterelles, malted white chocolate, salted pear reduction, croutons

Foie gras and malted white chocolate? I had to try it.

It confirmed my distaste for creamy foie gras. Seared foie gras? Delicious. Creamy foie gras? NOPE.

Pigeon Noodles (Le Pigeon)
parmesan, black pepper, strawberry, turnip
—Not noodles made of pigeon, just a pasta dish. Wish it was better.



[Dracula's] Blood Pudding Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)

It tasted like spumoni.


Salt Cod Sandwich (Bunk)
olympic provisions spanish chorizo, oil cured olives, italian parsley

I'm done with salt cod. Its intriguing name tricks you into ordering a bland and texturally off-putting fish. Won't get fooled again.

Pork Belly Gyro (Lardo)
feta, cucumber, tzatziki, tomato, aardvark sauce

Dirty Fries (Lardo)
pork scraps, marinated peppers, fried herbs, parmesan


Missed Connections


Fried Chicken Donut (Blue Star Donuts)
a glazed doughnut topped with a fried chicken breast chunks tossed with honey butter, with a packet of frank's red hot

[sigh] They sold out just as I walked in.


Clam Chowder (Ox)
smoked marrow bone, green onion, jalapeño

Duck Confit Spring Rolls (Veritable Quandary)
wasabi ginger sauce

Chinese Sausage Corn Dog (Expatriate)
hot mustard, xxx death sauce

Hot and Sour Indian Spiced Fries (Expatriate)
cilantro-raita aioli, house curry ketchup, sumac ranch

Expatriate Nacho[s] (Expatriate)
fried wonton chips, thai chili cheese sauce, spicy lemongrass beef, crema, kaffir lime, tomato salsa, herbs

PB and J Fries (Potato Champion)
fries topped with satay sauce and a smokey chipotle raspberry jam


ASBO and Proud

The Wolfpack / U.S.A. (Director: Crystal Moselle) — Six bright teenage brothers have spent their entire lives locked away from society in a Manhattan housing project. All they know of the outside is gleaned from the movies they watch obsessively (and recreate meticulously). Yet as adolescence looms, they dream of escape, ever more urgently, into the beckoning world.

[pause]

THIS IS A DOCUMENTARY?!?!

#Dogtooth

Bonded by the extreme circumstances of their childhood — never allowed to leave their tiny family apartment, never allowed to cut their hair, never introduced to the Internet, and almost no contact with the outside world — they became near-mythical characters.

Through their television — loaded with a library of Scorsese and Tarantino — the boys found their biggest moral compass.

Dressed like Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs, the over-caffeinated brothers, ranging in age from 13 to 20, eventually display the psychological repercussions of constant reclusion. This culminates in one brother's escape from the family apartment while donning the mask of Halloween's Michael Myers, which results in his admission to a mental hospital. [source]

Welp, looks like I have a most anticipated film of 2015.


Guided By Vices


Why didn't I think of this?

Idea: A Photoshopped image of Kevin Smith in age-appropriate clothing, à la normal-looking Guy Fieri.

Reality Competition Idea: Project Runway, but with sneaker customizers. Sneaker customization challenges.

Game Show Idea: Maroom 5. Win $5000 for every consecutive hour you spend in a lightly-furnished room in which Maroon 5 songs play non-stop. Viewers of an online live feed control the playlist.

Idea: A history of film cameos by Matt Damon.

IFC did one in 2009.
—Hmmph.

Idea: An updated history of film cameos by Matt Damon, one that includes The Zero Theorem and Interstellar.

Infographic Idea: Spread of the Living Dead. After seeing a trailer for a Nigerian zombie film, I wondered how many countries have produced a zombie film.

Film Idea: An adaptation of Speed set on a Chinatown bus traveling from Philadelphia to New York City. The twist ending: All of the characters on the Chinatown bus are personalities of a man with extreme dissociative identity disorder….who happens to be a passenger on the bus in the film Speed!

Cars Can't Snowboard

Jon: I've been cramming 2014 music in search of selections for my year-end mix, having failed to stay on top of music this year.
Adam: Tell me about it. It's next to impossible to keep up when you have an adult life.
Jon: I totally understand now why Grammy nominations are so lame. Music is a young man's game.

Jon: Did I tell you the cover art for my mix?
Adam: The True Detective/Spaceballs mash-up?
Jon: No, I reluctantly had to abandon that idea. I couldn't make it work as cover art, and couldn't in good conscience waste Jon Wilcox's time illustrating something that has no reason to exist except for my pleasure.

Jon: How much do you think a freelance artist would charge? And would one even bite? "I want a True Detective/Spaceballs mash-up for pleasure."

Jon: Yeah, FIGHT SCENES OF THE YEAR is coming along – seventh annual! I'm also considering CINEMATOGRAPHY OF THE YEAR and THE YEAR IN BONERS montages.
Adam: Are you doing a BEST FILMS list?
Jon: Ehh… I tried drafting a list, but after 1. Whiplash and 2. The Tribe, I don't have any strong feelings. I'm doing a BEST TELEVISION SHOWS list, though. In fact, it's pretty much finalized.

1. Hannibal
2. Nathan For You
3. The Eric Andre Show
4. Rick and Morty
5. Shameless
6. Veep
7. Utopia [UK]
8. Looking
9. Game of Thrones
10. Fargo

Jon: I'm waiting on the Black Mirror Christmas special for BEST TELEVISION EPISODES.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

48. Pain for pleasure (The Amazing Race, S25E09)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "I could not get enough of the ponies." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E08)
  • "The only way to make things right is to do the worst, most awful thing imaginable."
    "Dip your penis in vinegar." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E08)
  • "Some things might come easier to you if you stop being such a perfectionist, a concept you should become…familiar with."
    "Familiar with… A dangling preposition?"
    "I'm setting an example. I made an error, and I'm not going to correct it. I'm just going to let it dangle, dangle, dangle." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E08)
  • Ricky Jay: "We're not magicians." (Getting On, S02E03)
  • "Jacuzzi filled with nipples…" (Mr. Pickles, S01E10)
  • Mr. Pickles Season Grade: C
  • "You really scared me, Master Bruce. If you die… Who employs butlers anymore?" (Gotham, S01E10)
  • "Jess brought me a hot lunch lady. What am I supposed to do with that?"
    "Do sex with the lunch lady. That's obvious."
    "I know how it sounds, but she's, like, a real lunch lady."
    "After she has sex with you, she could put food in your mouth." (New Girl, S04E09)
  • "Rooney is my people." (New Girl, S04E09)


LOOK WHO'S BACK (Degrassi, S14E05)

  • Drinking beer with a straw (Friends of the People, S01E05)
  • Young Maurice the god – ha! (Friends of the People, S01E05)
  • "I'm not wearing any underwear."
    "Then how do you block the dookies? Do they just fall out?" (Friends of the People, S01E05)
  • "That dude, whoever owns Boingo, got a boat, probably." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)


Poob implants (The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)


Mac DeMarco does his own stunts (The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)


(The Eric Andre Show, S03E04)

  • Curtain rod on subway train gag (Broad City, S01E04)
  • Broad City Season Grade: D+
  • Restaurant Startup Season Grade: B
  • Rescuing/reviving frozen Ricky (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • Ricky's previous mishaps montage (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • "That's why the A-Team was probably so good, 'cause they got this little shortcut-y path thing right here in the middle." (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)


(Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)

  • "♫ I am like the wind / You can blow me anytime / Just take me in your mouth / And blow me ♫" (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • "Calm the fuck down, Home Alone." (Trailer Park Boys, S08E02)
  • "Gary LaserEyes is infested!" (Trailer Park Boys, S08E05)
  • Liquor ball sandwiches (Trailer Park Boys, S08E05)
  • Bubbles in the laundromat (Trailer Park Boys, S08E05)


(Trailer Park Boys, S08E07)


Drake (Trailer Park Boys, S08E07)

  • Directed by Cory? (Trailer Park Boys, S08E08)
  • The mortician swinging a hair dryer (Trailer Park Boys, S08E08)


Civil Rights Movement shirt (Trailer Park Boys, S08E08)

  • "Help my fuck" – Tyrone's catchphrase (Trailer Park Boys, S08E09)
  • Directed by Jay Baruchel? (Trailer Park Boys, S08E10)
  • Trailer Park Boys Season Grade: C+
  • "They went to the Beverly Center with him like that, mom."
    "Ew! No one goes to the Beverly Center." (Transparent, S01E05)
  • "Is this Zankou? Where's the garlic stuff?" (Transparent, S01E09)
  • "You're fucking the rabbi?" (Transparent, S01E09)
  • Transparent Season Grade: C+

#clipoftheweek


A Challenger Appears

Billy Roberts may spend the rest of his life in prison for grinding his pelvis against women in crowded NYC subways. What makes his story even stranger? Billy has an identical twin that does the same thing.

Debra Farinella loves angels. She has hundreds of them decorating her home. Unfortunately, she has been stealing them from gravesites at the local cemetery.

61-year old Robert Wells is afraid to grow old. He'll do almost anything to retain his youth…including drinking the urine of young boys, which he believes is the fountain of youth.

Robert White tricks women into trying on shoes and then licks their inner thighs as he helps them.

Alex Davis is a diaper fetishist. He is most aroused by soiled baby diapers, which he steals from neighborhood garbage cans in the dark of night.

Rick Sciara, aka Master Rick, runs his own S&M sex dungeon in the basement of his home, where he trains gay sex slaves. He gets in trouble when he begins performing illegal castrations on willing men.

Katherine Drouin is not only an anorexic-bulimic, she is also a kleptomaniac. One addiction feeds the other as she has been exiled from all grocery stores within 20 miles for shoplifting groceries for her daily binge.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

47. The Amazingly Randy (South Park, S18E08)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "It's not that weird to say, 'May I have some cocaine?'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E07)
  • "I don't always understand Peralta's texts. He says, 'They're still waiting on the lab' and 'It's allz good' – 'allz' with a Z. Then, a box with a question mark inside, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, and yet another box with a question mark. Then, a box with a question mark. What does that mean?"
    "It means you don't have emojis on your phone." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E07)
  • CGI Atlanta is so flat (The Walking Dead, S05E06)
  • "I want to be the bad boy of public radio, like Elvis Mitchell." (Bob's Burgers, S05E03)


(Mr. Pickles, S01E09)


"I was born without genitals."
"Then where do you go pee pee or poo poo?"
"You don't want to know." (Mr. Pickles, S01E09)

  • The audience booing Grumpy Cat (WWE Raw, 11-17-14)
  • Gotham has a munitions factory (Gotham, S01E09)
  • Sergei from Delocated playing another Russian mobster (Gotham, S01E09)
  • "What's permanent press?"
    "Fake button. Nobody uses it." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "The way she killed her… So brutal." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E11)
  • "I have no idea how Bobby handled this shit."
    "Yeah. We need to patch in another Jew." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E11)
  • "Therapy's just not something our people do. We have Jesus and baths." (Black-ish, S01E07)
  • Nirvana? (American Horror Story, S04E07)
  • "We make the perfect before-and-after picture." (American Horror Story, S04E07)
  • "What is that?"
    "It's, uh, speed weed from Taco. I've been up for 48 hours straight having sex, and then after I have sex, I masturbate, and then after that, I look at pictures of corn, which I find is a huge turn-on for me."
    "You're jerking off to corn?" (The League, S06E12)
  • "Soft cheese, hard dick!" (The League, S06E12)
  • Tom Condon? (The League, S06E13)
  • "A pax on all of your homes!"
    "Think you mean 'pox,' Ruxin."
    "No, I mean that the only cable network you all should get is PAX." (The League, S06E13)
  • The League Season Grade: C-
  • Scott parodying Frank Underwood (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E16)
  • Mystikal! (Saturday Night Live, S40E07)

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: Seattle 2

Previously on Adam Riff™: Eater's Digest: Seattle


October 2014

damn the weather / pie bar / crumble and flake / paseo / hot cakes / rocco's / nacho borracho / babirusa / family dinner / quality athletics / salumi / pizzeria gabbiano / trove / pomerol


Gold Stars


Sweet Potato Dumplings (Damn the Weather)
brown butter, marjoram, pecorino

Caramel Corn (Damn the Weather)
garam masala
—Addictive Indian-carnival fusion.


Salt and Pepper Chicken Skins (Damn the Weather)
chili, peanuts

Shallot Rösti Potato (Pomerol)

"Oh. Heh. The top slice of bread is an 'egg in the basket.'"


Caesar Salad Sandwich (Damn the Weather)
parmesan, anchovy, egg, on brioche

A sandwich I didn't know I needed.


Pastrami Burger (Damn the Weather)
sauerkraut, thousand island, pickles
—A sandwich I don't need.

Drinking Caramel (Damn the Weather)
salt and pepper gelato
—The salt and pepper gelato sits in the caramel like an ice cube and is no joke.


Zombie Macaron (Crumble and Flake)
lime, grapefruit, rum, cinnamon


Salumi is a salumeria owned and operated by Mario Batali's parents and sister.

Porchetta Sandwich (Salumi)
pork butt stuffed with meatball mix and spices, braised for a long time

A different porchetta sandwich than the kind I'm used to, with carrot, celery, and onion instead of crackling and mustard, but no less delicious. It reminded me of a chunky soup.



Smoked Salmon Wings (Quality Athletics)
pickled shallots, coriander honey glaze, pickled peppers

Salmon collars.


Duck Wings (Quality Athletics)
jerk spice, pickled pomegranate seeds

Oof. There was barely any meat on the bones, and it was nigh impossible to extract, so I ingested a scorching jerk spice more than anything.


He made a pasta sauce from scratch?!

Family Dinner (Tony's Flat)
salad / pasta / garlic bread / apple cider

I had no idea how much Tony likes cooking, or how good he is at it.

I heard noise in his kitchen early (0600?) Tuesday morning and wondered what he was doing. Answer: Cooking acorn squash to bring to work for lunch.



Pizzeria Gabbiano is a lunch spot serving Roman-style pizza that's cut with kitchen shears and sold by the kilo. Its seasonally-inspired toppings are hit or miss. I tried one pizza topped with stracoto, stilton, radicchio, and walnuts that was a bitter salad on bread.

Baby Greens, Panna Cotta, Pecans (Babirusa)
—A salad with pudding in place of cheese.

Kimchee Pancake, Chili, Soy (Babirusa)
—An earlier version of this pancake contained octopus too.


Trove is four concepts in one: Korean barbecue, noodle counter, bar, and parfait window.

The parfait window sells two different versions of three frozen custard parfaits – an old school version and a new school version.


New School Banana Split Parfait (Trove)
passion fruit tapioca, chili chocolate sauce, rice crunch

I could not finish eating it. The passion fruit was unbearably acrid. And while passion fruit and chocolate pair well, the chocolate felt out of place.

The glass jar is yours to keep.


Missed Connections

Salmon Hot Dog (Damn the Weather)
cream cheese, onions, salsa verde, on an everything bun

IPA Berry and Pineapple Weed Sorbet (Pomerol)
marshmallow spread, berry compote, hazelnut crumb

A lonely person, lost in thought, oblivious of time

♫ Is it weird that I hear angels every time that you moan?
Is it weird that your eyes remind me of a Coldplay song?
Is it weird that I hear trumpets when you're turning me on?
Is it weird that your bra remind me of a Katy Perry song? ♫

Jon: Is it weird that the girl he's addressing doesn't cut him off after he sings that her ass reminds him of a Kanye West song?

Jon: Is it weird that your ass remind me of "Barry Bonds"?

Rory: Is it weird that your bra remind me of "E.T."?

Jon: Is it weird that your eyes remind me of "Princess of China"?

Rory: Is it weird I hear sad trombones when I sing this song?

Jon: What do angels sound like? And does he hear them in addition to her moaning, or does her moaning sound like angels moaning?

Rory: Sketch idea: Jason Derulo takes a Rorschach test.

The 6 ain't friendly but it's where I lay up

At the American Film Market:

Dogs are having their day, between Space Dogs: Adventure to the Moon, Army Dog starring AFM staple Casper Van Dien, Guard Dog, and Dude, Where's My Dog?, about an invisible pooch.

"Dog movies sell great," one seller told me between sips of 6PM wine outside his company's suite. "Unless the dog dies."

How lucky we are to live in a world with not one, not two, but THREE films about invisible dogs.

The dog in Guard Dog is also invisible, as it is figuratively GOD.

Nine year-old Chance Watson is lying, cheating, stealing, and flunking out of school. Then, one night, a wonderful, magical sheepdog appears and promises to make his dreams come true, if he can follow "The Rules."

ABBA'S RULES:
• I'm your dog. You can't have any other dogs, and you have to love me.
• Rest is important.
• No lying.
• No stealing.
• No cheating.
• Do what your parents tell you to do.
• No killing – not even people's dreams or hopes.
• No being jealous of other people's stuff. Learn to share.
• The way people look has nothing to do with whom they are inside.
• Forgive those who hurt you.

At a school board meeting the parents are engaged in a debate on the issue of the invisible dog. Some say the lessons are wonderful and the kids are benefitting from them, others insist they are based on the ranting of a delusional boy and should be banned.

She asks her brother if he ever sees Abba any more. He answers, "I don't have to. I know he's always there."

Guard Dog was produced by magician Lance Burton.


Rory: Robot dog.
Jon: Yes. C.H.O.M.P.S.
Rory: Ninja dog.
Jon: No.
Rory: Vampire dog.
Jon: Yes. Vampire Dog.
Rory: Zombie dog.
Jon: Yes. Pet Sematary 2.
Rory: Shark dog.
Jon: No. Well, Eek! the Cat

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


46. Bachelorette Party Mantasy (Friends of the People, S01E03)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Drink the ranch! Drink the ranch!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E06)
  • "Everyone likes to be the little spoon. It makes you feel safe. Carl, back me up on this."
    "Yes, little spoon all the way." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E06)
  • "Look, my job is to make you prove he did it. It's the basis of our entire justice system. What, you think John Adams was just some idiot?"
    "No, I think John Adams was a mini-series I didn't watch because it looked like a book." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E06)


(Mr. Pickles, S01E08)


(Toast of London, S02E02)

  • Death by paper cutter blade (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "Young man, business suit, esophagus lacerated from index cards shoved down his throat." (Gotham, S01E08)
  • Bruce using his father's watch as knuckles (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "He tried to kill me."
    "That's right. He did. He tried to kill you. Just you remember that next time you see him – and you remember that I let him try. [to Bruce] Now let's get some ice on those knuckles. What do you fancy for your dinner?"
    "Pizza."
    "Pizza. Superb choice, Master Bruce." (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "It's not that I love fighting, but I'm not afraid to either." (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "So. Your dad's in politics? Is he a Republican or a Democrat?"
    "He wears a tie." (MasterChef Junior, S02E02)
  • "I'm terrible at lying; I'm terrific at make believe." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "I just cried on my penis while I was peeing. That happened." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "It's a very hard time to be gay. Girls are wearing scarves and boots. They have so many layers to them. What is underneath all those layers? I want to find out."
    "Are you blaming autumn?" (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "Can we agree that this not the most mature way to handle things, even though it's pretty fun?"
    "It's no fun a couple bellinis and a round of Apples to Apples can't solve."
    "What kind of gay are you?"
    "I'm still finding it." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "What's women?" (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "So what kind of guys do you like to date?"
    "Ripped nerds. Sleepy guys. We in the gay community call them 'drowsers.'" (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "The fructose burns my throat." (Friends of the People, S01E03)
  • Marilyn Manson ass-raping Juice (Sons of Anarchy, S07E10)
  • Marilyn Manson reading love poems by Emily Brontë to Juice (Sons of Anarchy, S07E10)
  • "I don't have molars." (Black-ish, S01E07)
  • "I'm about to make it rain up in the comic book store!" (Black-ish, S01E07)


Live-action Butters (South Park, S18E07)

  • "It's like when I had tuberculosis and you took me out to the Utah desert!" (American Horror Story, S04E06)
  • "If there isn't a divider, stand outside her." (The League, S06E11)
  • "Ride with me, my breadless horseman." (The League, S06E11)
  • "No cheese could realistically be inserted up an anus." (Babylon, S01E01)
  • "I know I'm looking a little chub, but I'm preparing for the lead role in Precious: Part 2 – Precious with a Dick." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E02)
  • "Morpheus drinking a 40 in a death basket." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E02)
  • Funyuns flag (Saturday Night Live, S40E06)

#clipoftheweek

Lechuga

Jon: Identical twins. Male.
Rory: Okay…
Jon: From dusk until dawn, they swap bodies.
Rory: What if they are in different time zones?

Jon: When dusk hits for both of them, they swap bodies until dawn hits for both of them. So if one is in California, and the other is in the Arctic Circle, that complicates matters, as does travel.

Jon: How do you be in a relationship when you're not you at night?

Jon: Perhaps one twin is a middle school teacher and the other a gang enforcer.

Jon: Season two.
Rory: Oh a second season!
Jon: Second season or sequel. One of the twins is bitten by a vampire and becomes one. So he can't go outside during the day, and at night, he's someone else. Meanwhile, his brother must now spend his nights procuring blood.

Jon: Season threequel. The twin that's not a vampire becomes a werewolf.


Sharpening Imaginary Mustaches

Let's check in on Samuel L. Jackson's filmography.

Kite (2014)
A teenage girl becomes a merciless assassin in pursuit of the man who killed her father. A corrupt cop mentors her.

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
A veteran secret agent grooms a teenage delinquent into a super spy.

Barely Lethal (2015)
A teenage special ops agent coveting a "normal" adolescence fakes her own death and enrolls in a suburban high school.

Big Game (2014)
A teenager camping in the woods helps rescue the President of the United States when Air Force One is shot down near his campsite.

Moose (pre-production)
A teenage moose who witnesses his father getting killed by hunters treks to the cabin where the hunters are staying to save the rest of his tribe.

Everything must die for anyone to matter


Masturbators gonna bate bate bate bate bate and
Vibrators gonna brate brate brate brate brate
Oh here comes e-jac-u-late late late late late
Need a sock, or a cloth

Rory: Terrible.

My ex-man brought his new girlfriend
She's like "Oh my God," but I'm just gonna wank
And to the fella over there with the hella good hair
Won't you cum all over my face while I wank, wank, wank

Rory: [pause] This is why Adam Riff™ is blocked in schools.
Jon: I have others!

Upperclassmen gonna haze haze haze haze haze and
Buttholes are gonna ache ache ache ache ache
Angry parents gonna cry "rape" "rape" "rape" "rape"
Pay them off, pay them off

Jon: …No?

Wayne and Garth are gonna "way" "way" "way" "way" "way" and
Bill Hader's gonna break break break break break
As Stefon on Weekend Up-date date date date
S-N-L, S-N-L

Men on Film are gonna hate hate hate hate hate and
Homey ain't gonna play play play play pl—
Rory: Ehh…


Taylor Swift's discography isn't on Spotify, but these covers are: