Clickbait is not your friends

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Sep 2016):
A homeless dude slumped over in a wheelchair on the side of a highway exit ramp turned down my La Barbecue leftovers because of an upset stomach.

This happened to me in Seattle. My still warm, leftover Li'l Woody's fries weren't healthy enough for the real homeless of Pine Street.

While walking home today with half a braaibroodjie and a kimchi and oaxaca empanada, I wondered if any homeless person I encountered would want them.

"It's like a grilled cheese sandwich, but with peach chutney and red onion."

"It's like a Hot Pocket, but with fermented cabbage and radish."

Should I just bin them?

We need a way for people with perishable leftover food to connect with homeless people who want to eat it – Begslist!

F4M: Fries seeking man.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. Oh, farts (Andre the Giant, 04-10-18)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "In a garbage bag in the middle of the woods. My horoscope was right." (Bob's Burgers, S08E13)
  • "See? This is why we're a great team. I have sugar, and you, you know about breathing." (Bob's Burgers, S08E13)
  • "Ooh, maybe I confessed something fun in my sleep, like I'm really a Russian agent, like, like Felicity." (Bob's Burgers, S08E13)
  • "He let me stay on his couch when Anna Kournikova and I broke up."
    [scoffs] "Well, I mean, she never won a major, so…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E15)
  • Will Shortz (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E15)
  • "So, it would seem that we have become frenemies. Do you know what that means?"
    "Are you trying to imply that I'm too old to understand a portmanteau? I am not, but I am too dignified to use one, friend-enemy." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E15)
  • Mike (The Last Man on Earth, S04E14)
  • "You'd tell me if you harboured nativist feelings, wouldn't you?" (Silicon Valley, S05E03)
  • "Consommé!" (Barry, S01E03)
  • "I hear that TNA is hiring." (WWE Raw, 04-09-18)
  • "I do not want another lizard situation." // "What is your purpose?!" (Black-ish, S04E19)
  • "How do we know that one of these dogs isn't just gonna snap on somebody?"
    "Oh, Duke would never snap at anybody. Would you, David Duke?" (Black-ish, S04E19)
  • "Sorry, no speak English." (WWE SmackDown LIVE, 04-10-18)
  • "What is that?"
    "A Bakersfield mimosa. Sparkling wine and orange Jell-O mix." (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "What's a Jayden?" (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "Wow, it is rough out here. No one will even look at us."
    "I know. Is this what it feels like to be a seven? Answer me, Ronnie." (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "I'll make Bakersfield Marys. It's just vodka and ketchup." (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "You guys look like I feel. Well, not you, Bernard. You're always a stunner." (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "Also, from my time as a roadie for The Huh?, a Who cover band. (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "Where'd your shin go, man?!" (New Girl, S07E01)
  • "This party is a disaster. Our guests have no questions for the panel." (New Girl, S07E01)
  • "Try playing musical chairs with no music! It's just chairs!" (New Girl, S07E01)
  • "Cake beats mail." (New Girl, S07E01)
  • Guest starring Brian Huskey as Merle Streep (New Girl, S07E01)
  • Directed by Ana Lily Amirpour (Legion, S02E02)
  • Juniper (The Last O.G., S01E02)
  • Malik Yoba (The Last O.G., S01E02)
  • "Things are changing back home, opening up. And it's not just politics, it's, it's the young people, it's music, it's, it's different. I mean, they're talking about opening a Pizza Hut in Moscow. You see the papers."
    "What, the Washington Post?" (The Americans, S06E03)
  • "I got an IUD to block them K-I-Ds." (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • "First of all, my breasts are already on Tumblr." (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • "This pizza has to go inside him." (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • "Mm-mm. Chew." (Atlanta, S02E07)

(Atlanta, S02E07)

  • "Drake's nutritionist is my cousin." (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • Bostrom's simulation argument (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • "It's all fake. There's no Drake. So don't ruin your high and just enjoy yourself." (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • Walking home in Puma slides (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • "Drake's Mexican!" (Atlanta, S02E07)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Flamingo Dance Lessons

I'm in Chicago for two weeks for a film festival that I helped program. AJ Lee is a panelist! Maybe Punk will show up with her.

From Chicago, I head to Montana for Adam Robot's wedding.

The last week of March, I customized a pair of Vans to wear at said wedding:

"Available 2-3 weeks."

That should be okay. I'll have them shipped to Chicago.

This week, I called Vans to check on my order.

—China's been taking 3-4 weeks. You should receive them by the end of the month.
—That's as much tracking as you can do?!

Fuck. I need them to arrive before the wedding so I can match their shade of pink with one of the 12 pink ties I bought and then return the other 11 so I don't have to transport them with me to Montana.

My contingency plan:

"Next-Day / Arrives 1-2 Business Days."

Hmm… Do I need to order more ties?

I have now seen this male teen at my gym wearing a Big Baller Brand hoodie and a hoodie with this on its front:

I can't stop wondering whether or not the two hoodies are related.

Flap, Pustule, Bulbous

Anthony Michael Hall: You've never seen Man on Fire?
Jon: I think I've only ever seen two Denzel Washington films: Virtuosity and John Q.
Anthony Michael Hall: [pause]
Jon: No, I've also seen Courage Under Fire and The Manchurian Candidate.
Anthony Michael Hall: All the hits…

Live-Thog: A Quiet Place

Why would you have another child? If it was unplanned, why wouldn't you abort it?

Could someone who snores survive by sleeping behind a waterfall?

How were those stairs constructed so that she could pull the tip of a nail up? It would be the head of a nail, if anything, no?

Why didn't she bend the nail flat?

Is the daughter gonna step on the nail too?

Idea: Taglines on film posters as fortune cookie fortunes.

Every con has its pros. (Ocean's 8)
Every family tree hides a secret. (Hereditary)
It's going to be an incredible summer. (Incredibles 2)
Redefine the hustle. (Superfly)
Life finds a way. (Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom)

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

14. Obamacare (Legends of Tomorrow, S03E17)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "This is not the time for stories about your digital squash, Peralta." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E14)
  • "I can't believe you thought I was the dumb cop. I mean, I've watched Planet Earth – with the British narrator!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E14)
  • Counterpart Season Grade: C
  • "Your lower back hair is catching the light in the most beautiful way. It's like I'm seeing it for the first time."
    "Must be some residual push sweat. I don't know if you heard, but I just took a pretty aggressive dump."
    "I did hear." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E13)
  • "Look at the last guy to create a new internet: Al Gore. His ideas were excellent, but he talked like a narcoleptic plantation owner, so he lost the presidency to a fake cowboy and now he makes apocalypse porn. Look, the point is, you need to lead with passion. When you set your mind to it, you're one of the most charismatic people I've ever met, and I have met Ira Glass." (Silicon Valley, S05E02)
  • "Now I wish I could say that this was the first time that one of my students was gunned down in the street, but it's not, and as much as it pains me to say it, it is most likely not the last." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "Brought to you by wolf attacking a horse." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "I'd love to play a priest that's molesting little boys." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "Siri, what is 'off-book'?" (Barry, S01E02)
  • "I thought this was, like, supposed to be funny."
    "A man molesting children?"
    "Yeah, like how Family Guy is funny." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "Are you doing Doubt? Oh, let's not do Doubt." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "Webster's Dictionary defines 'death' as 'a permanent cessation of all vital functions.' It defines 'remember' as 'to bring to mind or think of again.' So, even though Ryan's vital functions have ceased, if we think of him, he will always be with us." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "He could be a legacy kid at my Zamunda."
    "You mean, the fake country that Eddie Murphy left when he wanted to go work at McDowell's?"
    "You watched it?"
    "No, I, I read about it on Wikipedia. You know I can't watch Eriq La Salle!" (Black-ish, S04E18)
  • "You can pick one of three reasons to break up with me: I'm too jealous, I'm too clingy, or I didn't laugh enough at Rick and Morty." (LA to Vegas, S01E11)
  • "The force of the bolt exiting her body blew off her big toe." (The Mick, S02E20)
  • The Mick Season Grade: C
  • Waffle boat (Legion, S02E01)
  • "Wait, were there women with mustaches singing?" (Legion, S02E01)
  • "So I'm supposed to find the Shadow King from inside a daiquiri?" (Legion, S02E01)
  • Legion Cast – "White Rabbit" (Legion, S02E01)
  • Gay little niggas (The Last O.G., S01E01)
  • "Why everything with you gotta be about dick?"
    "What?! The phallus is the number one piece of universal comedy gold. Everybody love a good dick joke. You know it's like Tom, Dick, and Harry. You heard about that, right? Nobody gives a shit about Harry. Everybody wanna know who Dick is." (The Last O.G., S01E01)
  • "You don't want your rectum turned into a parking garage, man." (The Last O.G., S01E01)
  • "What are you doing?
    "What Prometheus did."
    "Horcruxing." (The Magicians, S03E13)
  • The Magicians Season Grade: C
  • Donald Glover as Teddy Perkins (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "Oh, I don't have a butler. I just use this to remember things. 'Finish that hat for Dionne Warwick. Wash your hands, immediately.'" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "I have Fiji, and Evian. I'll mix it with some Poland Springs. Maybe a Voss?" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "And let me get a 5 Cheese Krystal combo, no fries."
    "It's cheaper with fries."
    "No fries."
    "That's rich nigga shit, man!" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "Look, man, if I leave, I'll regret it, and I got a two regret life limit pact. Somebody gotta take me out if I go over two." (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "The nigga look like somebody left Sammy Sosa in the dryer." (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "'Sammy Sosa hat.'" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "Yo, why this nigga the same color as his fuckin' hat?"
    "Yeah, man, this nigga looks like a white man's penis."
    "Yo, man, why this nigga look like what's under a scab, though?" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "Feel free to Twitter or Blogspot any of it." (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "I want this wing of the museum to be dedicated to great fathers: My father, Joe Jackson, Marvin Gay Sr., Tiger Woods' father, Serena Williams' father, the father that drops off Emilio Estevez in The Breakfast Club…" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • Darius' phone background (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "You know, not all great things come from great pain. Sometimes it's love. Not everything's a sacrifice." (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • ♫ Stevie Wonder – "Evil" (Atlanta, S02E06)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Eater's Digest: Las Vegas 6

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Oct 2017):


Palace Pan Roast (Oyster Bar)
—David Chang: "It's the best dish in Las Vegas."

March 2018
paid in full / the black sheep / the buffet at wynn / starboard tack / bacchanal buffet / chica / the buffet at wynn / mian / sweets raku / oyster bar / the buffet at wynn / chengdu taste

Udon Fries (Paid in Full)
animal style

^ Hope you like In-N-Out's Thousand Island-esque spread.

Crispy Tapioca (Paid in Full)
aged parmesan, nori powder

^ A more successful fried appetizer with a chewy interior.

Sweetbread Katsu (Paid in Full)
snow pea, bacon, frisée, bulldog sauce
—The only fried sweetbreads I acknowledge are (The Black Hoof)'s in Toronto.

Foie Gras Okonomiyaki (Paid in Full)
kabocha, hazelnut, smoked maple
—"Oh, this will be like the 'foie gras, biscuit, maple sausage gravy' dish at (Animal) in Los Angeles, but with a pancake instead of a biscuit," I thought.

I thought wrong.

Nothing compares 2 U, "foie gras, biscuit, maple sausage gravy" dish at (Animal) in Los Angeles.

Mapo Tofu Frito Pie (Paid in Full)
minced pork, aged cheddar, scallion

Phat Rice Noodles (Paid in Full)
lamb chorizo, broccoli rabe, garlic la-yu oil
—This has wisely since been replaced by Cumin Lamb Noodles.

Sweet Anko and Camembert Toast (Paid in Full)
cap'n crunch breading, kuromitsu syrup

^ Red bean paste and cheese?

An oddly unsweet dessert. It wasn't savoury, but it wasn't sweet either, no matter how much black honey I squeezed on.

Thug Passion (Paid in Full)
sparkling hawaiian punch, black pepper passion syrup
—A drink that exists.

Salmon Skin Tacos (The Black Sheep)
salmon belly tartare, tabiko, smoked shishito peppers, micro cilantro

^ Fried salmon skin as hard shells.

Fried Beef Crisps (The Black Sheep)
thai chili tajin dust, chili lime sauce

^ Fried beef tendon puffs, to be exact.

Fried Chicken Fried Rice (Starboard Tack)
with sunny side up egg

West Indies Fried Chicken Sandwich (Starboard Tack)
walkerwood jerk aioli, pineapple pickles

Mongolian Cheesesteak (Starboard Tack)
mongolian marinated tri-tip, grilled onions, american cheese, baguette
—This tasted off to me. Hugo liked it, though.

Szechuan Chimichurri Beef Skewer (Starboard Tack)
Tom Kha Mushroom Skewer (Starboard Tack)

Sakura (Sweets Raku)
cheese soufflé with strawberries, injected with cherry blossom cream; served with moscato sorbet
—I begrudgingly ordered this because the dessert I came for had been retired:

Pearl (Sweets Raku)
rich chocolate mousse paired with caramel, banana, and pineapple; topped with a white chocolate shell with a passion-fruit-sauce-filled candy pearl

Mung Bean Soup (MIAN)
natural mung beans, water, lightly sweetened with sugar

Complimentary mung bean soup?

Oh! It's Lu Dou Tang – a childhood favourite of mine!

Mung beans are green beans. The more you know.

Palace Pan Roast (Oyster Bar)
shrimp, crab, chicken, and andouille sausage

^ I didn't want to queue for an hour or two to try this, so I tried it for breakfast at 06:30 on a Friday.

It's fine.


Choco Kebab (Choco Kebab)

Gnocchi Mexicano (Salud)
house-made gnocchi, guajillo mushroom cream sauce, queso fresco

Rollos Empanizados (Culichi Town)
Deep-fried sushi rolls.

Hot Cheetos Ceviche (Culichi Town)

Cubana Mexicana Torta (Playa Papagayos)
pork leg, egg, ham, wiener, breaded steak, mexican sausage, cheese

Uni Melt (Sparrow + Wolf)
burrata, blood orange kosho

Longganisa Empanadas (Starboard Tack)
filipino-style longganisa, green olive, egg, roasted red pepper, chili vinegar crema

Seat-Thai Dog (Starboard Tack)
¼lb hot dog, thai chili cream cheese, fried shallot, grilled onion, cilantro

Triple Garlic Yakisoba (Paid in Full)
pork belly, mushrooms, cabbage, negi
—Served in a Chinese take-out container.

Jardin Signature "Fleur" (Jardin)
layered dark chocolate mousse, raspberry jam, moist chocolate cake in edible chocolate flower pot


This is extremely dangerous to our democracy

Previously on Adam Riff™:
Why doesn't a reality show about THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS' SUMMER CAMP exist?

Oh, NOFX has a camp too!

Late night campfire stories with Keith Morris?

Fletcher from Pennywise should recount his visits to Loveline when he vomited on Dr. Drew and threatened to defecate into his hand and make Adam Carolla eat it.


Barman Poetry
(my follow-up to The Agony of Defeat)

The Agony of Defeat lasted eight years. We'll see how long I can sustain this side project.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

13. The Baby Boss (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E05)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "That's lip gloss? I thought you'd always just finished eating rotisserie chicken." (Bob's Burgers, S08E11)
  • Hitchcock shaving a burger (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E13)
  • "Famous kids are monsters. You do not wanna meet Young Sheldon." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E13)
  • "Karl, we send you our thoughts and prayers as you hurtle, screaming, on your terrifying journey to Hell. Heck, you're probably chewing on Bill Cosby's gallbladder right now, washing it down with a warm cup of diarrhea." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E12)
  • "Señor Clean" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E12)

(Trust, S01E01)

(Trust, S01E01)

  • "You're gonna look like Richard Gere from Pretty Woman. Maybe tonight you'll fall for a radiant sex worker." (Silicon Valley, S05E01)
  • "We never had pizza 'cause my stepmom said Italians aren't real white people." (Silicon Valley, S05E01)
  • Magnolia (Barry, S01E01)
  • "K-PAX." (Barry, S01E01)
  • "I mean, do you think Meryl Streep and Kaley Cuoco became stars just because they're the best?" (Barry, S01E01)
  • "Delta Burke is a lot of work!" (Barry, S01E01)
  • Chopped (Black-ish, S04E17)
  • "You just don't throw together an avant-garde Bible-themed 'Fashion of the Christ' costume party. Speaking of which, what's the costume?"
    "Well, I was thinking of being a sexy Rachel from Laban, Genesis 29:16. It's a deep cut."
    "No deep cuts! Stick to the hits." (LA to Vegas, S01E10)
  • "Are you tired of the same old restaurant experience? Then do what I do, and head down to Broth, Vegas' finest new eatery, where everything's soup, including you, because the dining room's a Jacuzzi." (LA to Vegas, S01E10)
  • "The best revenge is an act of social media." (LA to Vegas, S01E10)
  • "The party's tonight? But it's my bowling championship. You promised that if I advanced, you would come."
    "Well, you advanced and hopefully I will." (LA to Vegas, S01E10)
  • "We were nervous to tell you, for obvious reasons, because he's so, so old."
    "We were nervous about telling you, for obvious reasons, because she's so, so old." (LA to Vegas, S01E10)
  • "So, Dave, tell me, what made you decide to become a pilot?"
    "Well, Patricia, it all started when I first read the story of Icarus, who flew so close to the sun with no repercussions." (LA to Vegas, S01E10)
  • "Oh, God, I am gonna tell you what you told me when I tried singing Dreamgirls in the shower: You have to stop." (LA to Vegas, S01E10)
  • "I don't wanna be Mexican!" (The Mick, S02E19)
  • "Oh, these cabins look so rustic. Kinda makes you realize how cosmopolitan Bakersfield is." (Baskets, S03E10)
  • Baskets Season Grade: B
  • Grown-ish Season Grade: C
  • Lenny and Carl (Riverdale, S02E17)
  • "Wait, Kevin, can you lead us to this secret gay hook-up tunnel?" (Riverdale, S02E17)

(Riverdale, S02E17)

  • ♫ Ann Marr – "Bullet" (Riverdale, S02E17)
  • "Cheryl, Toni, there are a bunch of nuns coming. We have to go." (Riverdale, S02E17)
  • Diegetic "previously on" (The Magicians, S03E12)
  • "I come bearing gifts."
    "This is, like, 80% taco supplies."
    "I'm sorry, do they not have Tuesdays in Fillory?" (The Magicians, S03E12)
  • "I will say what I wish my father had said to me: I'm so happy you're dating a bear." (The Magicians, S03E12)
  • "Giving people shit is easy. Taking it away is almost impossible. Like Obamacare. Or herpes." (The Magicians, S03E12)
  • ♫ Peter Gabriel – "We Do What We're Told (Milgram's 37)" (The Americans, S06E01)
  • "Key and Peele put a movie out with a cat in it, they put the cat on the poster. They dressed the cat up like a nigga instead of putting two niggas that made the movie on the poster."
    "So was it a cat in a suit or just looked like a nigga?"
    "It was, you know, you know a cat, what a, what a nigga cat look like!" (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "Raindrops peach emoji?" (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "Toothpick? 50 cent." (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "Yeah, he had queef engine or something like that, and his carburetor had jaundice." (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "Hey, you like Zaxby's?"
    "Nigga, don't be rude. Of course I love Zaxby's." (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "Nigga, three? You better pick up five. Use your back too, bitch." (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "Well, do it then, beige lady!" (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "You think I work hard at these three jobs so you can walk around town with your little nigglet friends skipping school all day? I work hard, man. But y'all think y'all grown, don't it? Huh? Well, since y'all grown, please tell me you put up the street team posters I gave you today." (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "We ain't gonna never get this $35 now." (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "Come inspire the youth!" (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "I got a fire mixtape. I'm like Lonzo Ball." (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "Don't tell your mama? Well, I'm calling her right now. She gotta know."
    "Do you have minutes?" (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "Son, could you not jack off with my good lotion?"
    "Oh, really? Right in front of Paper Boi?" (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "Anybody else pee a little bit when we had that wreck? Just me? Hey, sorry about the hit-and-run thing, but you know I can't go back to jail, baby. I just can't do it. I don't weigh enough. You know, I'll be somebody girlfriend immediately in jail. I don't fuck with no jails. Just passing by the Atlanta pen make my boy hymen hurt." (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • "You ruined my whole goddamn day."
    "Ruined?! Nigga, we had a good day today! I took you to mentor to some kids. You're welcome. And then we, we ate at that white lady house. And then we hit that Asian lady from the back, you know what I'm talking about…" (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • Thundercat and Flying Lotus composed an original score for the episode (Atlanta, S02E05)
  • Babylon Berlin Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Looking forward:

I can't do another season of Archer.

Detroit Dancehall

"Hawaiian and Japanese-inspired breakfast and brunch"…

"–Morning Wood."

Booths at BrunchCon gave out swag and sold merch. One vendor had Chambongs, which are like beer bongs, but for champagne, and a table from Lyft gave out totes that read "brunch so hard mimosas wanna find me." [source]

Idea: A LaCroix float – scoops of Halo Top in LaCroix.

How has KFC not rolled out fried chicken coated in Frito-Lay's "Flamin' Hot" powder yet?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

12. The Ultimate Deletion (WWE Raw, 03-19-18)

Stray Observations

  • "Over one weekend, there was a kiln fire. Sprinklers put it out, but it was a huge smoky mess."
    "Like Winston Churchill." (Bob's Burgers, S08E10)
  • Possessed shin (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E04)
  • "Ah, yes, the first pubic war, the sexiest of all wars." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
  • "Okay, so we've secured Captain Holt's husband. Let's discuss how to proceed."
    "So what you're saying is, we need to talk about Kevin."
    "I have no regrets!"
    "Kevin is currently at the safe house with Captain Holt."
    "How long will he have to stay there?"
    "My friend in the organized crime division says they've been building a case against Seamus Murphy for years, and they're close. They think they'll move on him in the next month or two."
    "So you're saying, Kevin can wait?"
    "You know what, you people are insane! That was gold!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
  • "I feel like Ellen watching her producers go through a haunted house." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
  • "Okay, I've got three words. I've got an 'and,' I've got an 'an' and a 'he.' Now, the 'he' could be a part of a 'the' or the end of 'Apache.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
  • "I'm not abandoning my husband. I love him."
    "Yeah, I love him too. Everybody loves Raymond."
    "I think that's pretty funny!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
  • "I was lying about the back-up! I came alone! Title of my sex tape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
  • "Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
  • "There was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two months?!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E12)
  • "Barf quieter, bud!"
    "You're no barf church mouse, either, bud." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E11)
  • "This is not the time to argue, okay? 'Cause right now, we are like the cast of the Jersey Shore, 'cause we got a The Situation." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E11)
  • "Maine has beaches! They just have more rocks and family secrets." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E19)
  • Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: C
  • "Every black man has a friend named 'Cool Breeze.'" (Black-ish, S04E16)
  • "Is that supposed to be sushi?"
    "May I present to you freshly-caught Swedish Fish on Rice Krispy Treats. I call it the 'Hudson News Roll.' I know how much you like crap."
    "I love crap!" (LA to Vegas, S01E09)
  • "What did you just call me?"
    "Nothing. …Trash humper."
    "That's slander! I don't do that with trash!"
    "Oh, no? Then what are you doing with that can of Pringles?"
    "Oh, I'm using this as my wallet." (LA to Vegas, S01E09)
  • "They also said that Liam Neeson is aging into an old woman."
    "…saying that Samoa is barely a Guam." (LA to Vegas, S01E09)
  • "Oh. I do have a fetish." (LA to Vegas, S01E09)
  • "Send help! I'm mostly nude in the back of a cop car about to drown with a young boy!" (The Mick, S02E18)
  • "Happy birthday to you…"
    "I've always loved that song." (Baskets, S03E09)
  • "I've been trying to practice my empathy lately, and my empathy tells me that we should throw a party for Martha or she's gonna try to kill herself." (Baskets, S03E09)
  • "It's a great opportunity for me to debut Dill Pickles."
    "Who's that?"
    "He's my character that I told you about."
    "Why not Bread and Butter Pickles? [chuckles] They're so tasty. Have you ever had 'em?" (Baskets, S03E09)
  • "Now, when you think about dinner in Bakersfield, you gotta think about Basque restaurants." (Baskets, S03E09)
  • "Martha, you look so nervous. Why is that? Is it because of all the Basques?" (Baskets, S03E09)
  • "Martha! Get back over here! They have cow tongue! I don't want it, but I want to see someone eat it!" (Baskets, S03E09)
  • "I'm 50 now. I can't keep acting like I'm 39." (Baskets, S03E09)
  • Andy Cohen (Riverdale, S02E16)
  • "My friend's boyfriend plays basketball. They're playing you guys. She took me to a game. I got super into it."
    "Yeah, totally. Kobe Bryant, the Spalding company, two points per basket, love it all." (Speechless, S02E18)
  • Speechless Season Grade: C
  • Pauly Shore (Alone Together, S01E10)
  • "Why don't you just go to the old lady's apartment and take inventory of her stuff?"
    "By myself? What if there's a ghost?"
    "I don't know. Befriend it and write a sequel to Ghost Dad, dude."
    "I haven't seen the first one."
    "…You don't have to." (Alone Together, S01E10)
  • "She has pictures of her favourite celebrities up on her wall just like I do. That right there is Clark Gable, A.K.A. the Sacha Baron Cohen of her generation.
    Just out of curiosity, what do you think 'A.K.A.' stands for?
    "Also kinda alike?"
    "…Okay, not bad." (Alone Together, S01E10)
  • "As a friend, I'm letting you know that burlesque is the lowest form of art possible. Literally, it's the last failure a woman can have is burlesque, after acting, then yoga, then burlesque. That's it." (Alone Together, S01E10)
  • "She once spent three days on a riverboat casino eating nothing but lobsters and champagne before people found out she wasn't really a magician." (Alone Together, S01E10)
  • "It takes people years to get to where I am and all I had to do was show that manager that I was serious, laser-focused, and that she could never, ever, ever escape me."
    "Okay, so you're like the lower back tattoo of the service industry." (Alone Together, S01E10)
  • Alone Together Season Grade: C
  • "Fine, but I will freely admit I was getting excited at the idea of a Josh-Julia solo adventure."
    "Yeah, what would the shippers even call us? Josh? Julia? See, you couldn't even tell that I swapped the first letters." (The Magicians, S03E11)
  • The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story Season Grade: C
  • "This is gonna sound like a high question, but it's not. Are black women considered brunettes?" (Atlanta, S02E04)
  • A woman approaches Earn and praises what she initially assumes is very convincing blackface (Atlanta, S02E04)

(Atlanta, S02E04)

(Atlanta, S02E04)

  • "Do you believe that love can die?"
    "Sure, everything dies. But at least you lived through it." (Atlanta, S02E04)
  • Tessa Thompson (Portlandia, S08E10)
  • Portlandia Season Grade: D

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Uber Eats some Applebee's

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Jan 2002):

Adam Robot (Hamster Style): Jesus some of these sites. Talk about oldddd.

Adam Robot: I still talk to Crawlspace John.
Jon (Adam Riff™): Oh? Where is he now?
Adam Robot: Married. Has a step daughter. Lives in San Francisco. He runs and climbs a lot, drinks a lot of craft beer. Generally seems like he's doing well.

Jon: Jord (WankerCounty), of course, directed Kong: Skull Island.
Jon: Ish (Armegro) is one of Ben's industry contacts. Small world.
Jon: Aaron (The Marked Fool) became a stoner tattoo artist.
Jon: Dan (Just Plain Dan) joined the band Kayo Dot and is battling cancer.
Jon: Clint (Doofyfuel) died of cancer.

Jon: Do you remember Ty (Funky Fresh)?
Jon: Has he reached out to you recently?
Tony (WankerCounty): I do and no, not since the WC years.
Tony: Why?
Jon: Via Adam Riff™, he contacted me out of the blue today from a homeless shelter in Brooklyn asking me to help him find a date.
Tony: Whuhhh.

Jon: Oh, he has an active Google+ page.

Tony: Oh man.

Three months ago, Kalki (The Hoowa) similarly contacted me out of the blue via Adam Riff™.

I knew him as an Indian med student at Ohio State.

Fast forward to the end of 2017.

From…bobmarleyliveforever at

hello old friend. i moved to hawaii. i remember you said your ultimate goal in life was to win an oscar. i have an idea for a movie that i've already filmed on facebook, twitter, and periscope.

basically, what happened is i moved to hawaii after i got laid off in chicago. remember, i'm a doctor. i figured if oprah did it, there must be a reason. then since i was off, i decided to smoke marijuana to help with my anxiety and depression.

i ended up going a little crazy and on one of those marijuana hero adventures that people sometimes get. but i filmed the whole thing. it's kind of like mr. brainwash and banksy but live on facebook.

anyways, i was thinking the clips could be edited to tell the story. but it's inspired by everything that's happened in pop culture since i first met you around the year 2000. it's been almost 18 years man… and aol instant messenger is gone so this is the only way i have of contacting you. think of me as princess leia sending a message to obi-wan… do you want to make a movie? you're my only hope. literally… b/c i pissed of so many other people on my quest to legalize marijuana for doctors.

and that's what the movie is really about.

I visit his listed website: …

I hate me for loving you

Less Than Jake?

I suppose with punk/emo/hardcore festivals going extinct, you gotta take what you can get.

Korn, Not Creed, and Thrice walk into a bar…

Cameron Diaz is married to Benji Madden of Good Charlotte?

Cameron Diaz and Nicole Richie are sisters-in-law.

Why doesn't a reality show following the Madden Brothers and their wives exist? Total Maddens. Lionel is Laurinaitis.

Debuting in 2015, CAMP MARS is the first of its kind Summer Camp Festival.

Festival-goers can join activities such as archery, drum circle, meditation, stone mandala making, dream catcher weaving, nature writing, a speaker series, 2 different performances by Thirty Seconds to Mars under the stars in Malibu, CA, and so much more.

6:00 AM – 7:00 AM – HIKING OR YOGA
12:00 PM – 2:00 PM – LUNCH IS SERVED
5:00 PM – 7:00 PM – DINNER IS SERVED
11:00 PM – 1:00 AM – NIGHT HIKE
11:00 PM – 1:00 AM – STAR GAZING

Forget Total Maddens. Why doesn't a reality show about THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS' SUMMER CAMP exist?

Real enchiladas you feel good about eating

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I want to wear something to said weddings that's interesting but won't irk the bride or groom's parents.

Jon: $68.99 for the suit, $31.95 for the tie, plus shipping and tailoring.
Drew: Bruh, what are you doing? Buy a suit you can get more than two wears out of. A red suit is not versatile at all.
Jon: [grumbling] Why do you have to be so practical?

Jon: That tie on a red shirt in a black suit doesn't work.

Jon: I wish I had money to burn.


Russell: Plus a Superman undershirt.
Jon: Heh. If only I could grow a mustache to conceal.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

11. Undercover Office Potty (Saturday Night Live, S43E16)

Honourable Mention

  • Shane McMahon Grape Lady-ing (WWE SmackDown Live, 03-13-18)
  • Baskets Career College commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
  • Country lawyer Sam Hill commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
  • Halloween store commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
  • lilysmom_11 (Atlanta, S02E03)

Stray Observations

  • ♫: Joan Jett and the Blackhearts – "Crimson and Clover" (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E03)

(WWE Raw, 03-13-18)

  • "Eddie RZA" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E18)
  • "Yin and Yang. Your opposite energies balance each other out. The black is Yin, slow and yielding, like you, Louis, always thinking before you act. The white is Yang, focused and active, like you, Jessica, jumping into action before thinking it through. Your two energies complement each other, achieving perfect balance. It's the reason Tommy Boy didn't work. Too much white. No balance." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E18)
  • "The mermaid's name is Seayoncé." (LA to Vegas, S01E08)
  • "I'm gonna hold on to your food TV." (LA to Vegas, S01E08)
  • "Do I look like I want to try some bulgogi?" (Black-ish, S04E14)
  • The Sunken Place (Black-ish, S04E14)
  • "Don't you worry about your only grandmother. She hasn't shown you all the tricks up her sleeve."
    "It's punching. The trick up her sleeve is punching." (Black-ish, S04E14)
  • "Innovators don't need to match their athletic gear." (Black-ish, S04E15)
  • "As long as they don't eat off of strangers' plates and mix athletic brands, all right? I cannot have them looking like Eastern Europeans." (Black-ish, S04E15)
  • ♫: Dr. John – "Iko Iko" (The Mick, S02E17)

(The Mick, S02E17)

  • Christine's bangs (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "I Am Woman, It's My Store" (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "One of them went viral."
    "Yeah. Here it is. Two hits?!" (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "I know what I'm doing! I used to date a videographer!" (Baskets, S03E08)
  • Pop-up skeleton Santa (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "No one wants an 'I Am Not Your Negroni.'" (Grown-ish, S01E11)
  • "You need the right slogan, like ours: 'Black Dorms Should Matter.' We're trending on Twitter right now. #BDSM. You might've seen it."
    "That may not be us." (Grown-ish, S01E11)
  • "I wrote it for my high school ska band, the Ska-nold Trumpets. That was before ska and Donald Trump got super embarrassing and were only, like, kind of embarrassing." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "Why are you dancing like that? It's like you're trying to escape your lack of rhythm, but you just can't do it." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "Ain't nothin' better than a curly spice / On straight fries would be erreally nice." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "You're lucky the first rule of ska is 'always have an extra set of suspenders.'" (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "I'm putting my foot down."
    "You wear a size four. Putting your foot down, what does that accomplish?" (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "You want to hear some ska poetry? Reel Big Fish. 'I'm giving up because I know everything sucks.'" (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "I'm such an idiot for thinking I could revive ska music. Probably just got to wait until gas prices go down and then seven-person bands can tour again." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "Well, I'm a tough critic. I almost didn't like The Emoji Movie." (Speechless, S02E17)
  • "You can't go to America and start from nothing. That's the lie." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E08)
  • "Hallmark invented Valentine's Day, Walmart invented the Fourth of July, and Arbor Day, as we all know, was invented by Carl's Jr." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "2000 years ago, Jesus Christ was crucified, and now every Easter, people buy millions of dollars worth of chocolate bunnies." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "America is a corporation / And I hate my supportive parents / North Korea is better than America / And I can't pay my student loans." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "I'll never forget where I was when I found out. I was eating a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant in my car. I was so upset, I couldn't even finish it."
    "I lied. I totally finished it. But I felt bad. I think the mayo was expired." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "Oh, no, he tried to talk to me earlier, but I was—"
    "Premeditating a swan murder." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "What's your name again?"
    "You want to sit at the big table, don't you, Cake?" (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "I'd rather be miserable at my job and be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment than follow my dreams and live in a studio apartment." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • Corporate Season Grade: C
  • Channel Zero: Butcher's Block Season Grade: D
  • "Hennessy plus the herb, plus the herb, herb, herb / Yo, I just bought a dinosaur like Nicolas Cage." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "Dude, if it crashes again, I'm gonna crash my foot in your ass." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "56 Nights" (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "You want to go slap some butts?"
    "Nah, but I'll watch." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "You really want to wear all white to a strip club, nigga?" (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "Money is an idea, man. Look, there's a reason that a white dude dressed just like you can walk into a bank and get a loan, and you can't even spend a $100 bill, man. I mean, you need to start acting like you're better than other niggas, and then they'll start treating you better than other niggas."
    "Yeah, 'cause otherwise, you're just another nigga." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "It's Michael Vick." (Atlanta, S02E03)

A computer-generated smart speaker? (Portlandia, S08E09)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


I hope your life is horrible without baseball!

MLB FoodFest is a two-day, indoor festival in New York City that gives fans the opportunity to try dishes from all 30 ballparks, from the Dodgers' lauded Cheeto-Lote to the Mariners' toasted grasshoppers.

On top of the eats, we'll also be keeping your IG feed fed with a hot dog art gallery, massive popcorn pit, and more.

The Yankees' signature dish is an adobo bao?

Lol at the Rockies' dish being a cheeseburger and fries.

This is their Black Panther

I had vowed never to attend another wedding and…I'm attending two weddings this year.

I want to wear something to said weddings that's interesting but won't irk the bride or groom's parents.

Jon: Damn, mariachi suits are expensive.
Jon: You think a mariachi costume is passable?


Jon: 1. Wearing a beige polo to a wedding?
Jon: 2. Assembling a close approximation of that outfit seems arduous.
Jon: 3. Will anyone get the reference? Particularly since I'm not black?


Go Join Lonely Virgil

// Las Vegas, NV

Why does the top of that giant slot machine read "East Lansing" in Michigan State colours?

I'm inside The D on Fremont Street.

Huh. The top of the giant slot machine on its other side reads "Ann Arbor" in Michigan colours.

I google "the d east lansing slot machine."


The business rooms have names like Saginaw and Petosky.

Is The D supposed to be a Michigan-themed hotel and casino? Because…


The D stands for "downtown," and also refers to [majority owner] Derek Stevens' nickname, and Stevens' hometown of Detroit.

So not Michigan-themed, but with a hint of Michigan.

That explains its American Coney Island outpost.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

10. Sperm Bank Demon Fight (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E02)

Honourable Mention

  • Cash Preservation Society (Portlandia, S08E08)
  • Shrek (Saturday Night Live, S43E15)

Stray Observations

  • "The only part of a roast that I like is when you say the nice parts at the end. Maybe I'll just do that."
    "I didn't know I was having brunch with Michael Landon." (Crashing, S02E08)
  • Crashing Season Grade: C
  • ♫: Brockhampton – "Boogie"! (The Mick, S02E16)
  • "Good insights, gentlemen. And that is what it's like to be a woman in today's business world." (Baskets, S03E07)
  • Writing a Greg Berlanti film into a Greg Berlanti television programme (Riverdale, S02E14)
  • "I saw on her Snapchat that she goes to a lot of jam band concerts, so… She likes 11-minute songs! I figure…I'm not as bad as that…" (Alone Together, S01E08)
  • "You use our Netflix so much that all our suggestions are aimed at you. I don't want to watch Broadchurch, Kenneth."
    "Well, you got to give it a chance! It gets really good after the seventh episode!" (Speechless, S02E15)
  • "I always wondered what kind of freaks lived in the apartments above outdoor malls." (Corporate, S01E09)
  • "I can't sell a clever Filipino – even one with a big dick." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E07)
  • "Let's discuss your wants – and my terms." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E07)

(Channel Zero: Butcher's Block, S03E05)

  • "Why you gotta lock in a child?!" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "My name is Peter Savage, but everyone here calls me '35 Savage,' because I'm 35."
    "We're gonna call you '36 Savage' soon." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "Long live fresh…nigga." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • Bobby Shmurda (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "Where my real niggas at?" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "I'm the Prince of Tides, nigga." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "Man, don't get me wrong, it's a funny show, but the way they dive into depression, and especially after what he did to her daughter, I was like, 'Can I even feel bad for this horse anymore?'" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "They got a no chase policy." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • ♫: Flying Lotus – "Coronus, The Terminator" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • The feminist bookstore ladies meet the Oh, Hello guys (Portlandia, S08E08)
  • Top Chef: Colorado Season Grade: C
  • "Well, sketch comedy is great, but at some point, you have to move on, you know?" (Saturday Night Live, S43E15)
  • "What's the main difference between rock and rap?"
    "Uhh, usually skin colour." (Saturday Night Live, S43E15)
  • "Overkill took an Uber." (The Tick, S01E08)
  • "I don't think my life's worth not killing anymore." (The Tick, S01E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


cold pressed nut Mylks

// Las Vegas, NV

A new arena just off the Strip will be a 360-foot-tall sphere with seating for more than 18,000 people for concerts, awards shows and other entertainment events. [source]

Vegas already has five arenas on or near the Strip and is adding a stadium.

Imagine Vegas hosting every March Madness game.

[browsing Las Vegas Magazine's listings for Revues]

Fantasy Fun for singles and couples alike, the seductive revue features 15 numbers full of steamy choreography, powerhouse vocals and high-energy music. Besides bringing out your wildest fantasies to life, Fantasy offers up comic relief, too, with celebrity impersonations by comedian Sean E. Cooper. Luxor, 10:30 p.m. daily, $39-$59 plus tax and fee, 18+. 702.262.4400

Steamy choreography with a side of celebrity impersonations.

"X" Rocks This all-rock topless revue features sexy showgirls dancing to tunes from Muse, Metallica, The Beatles and Alice Cooper. Bally's, 10 p.m. Thurs.-Sun., $47.94-$72.95 plus tax and fee, 21+. 702.777.2782

Sexy topless showgirls dancing to The Beatles. "Come Together"?

Which Muse songs do you think are used? "Supermassive Black Hole" for sure…

"X" Country Giddy up as the "X" Country women in this bare-skinned adult show dance to popular country songs from artists including Tim McGraw, Patsy Cline, Taylor Swift, Garth Brooks, Trace Adkins and Hank Williams Jr. Harrah's, 10 p.m. daily, $47.94- $72.95 VIP plus tax and fee, 18+. 702.777.2782

Why is the rock one 21+ but the country one 18+? Both are topless…

The Nevada Gaming Control Board is testing shitty mobile games in casinos:

Are millennials killing blackjack?