Dementia Americana


Why are these only available in Texas?

H-E-B: "We'll ship your order to you!" Oh?

Oh… "Ship anywhere within the contiguous U.S. (excluding CA)."

Rescind the In-N-Outs in Texas!


Don't look now, but James Franco has directed film adaptations of William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury, and John Steinbeck's In Dubious Battle – the CliffsNotes trilogy.


Q: Does the stage musical adaptation of Groundhog Day feature a song about WrestleMania?

Idea: A stage musical whose songs are all existing wrestler entrance music. Add lyrics to instrumental entrance music as needed.

The bright-eyed choke on ambition

Why didn't anyone tell me about Lil Poopy?!

"CALL ME 'POOPY VUITTON.'"

At first glance, I thought Lil Poopy was a girl – Zac Hanson 2K16.

'The reason why they call me Lil Poopy is 'cause my dad, when he used to change me, I used to poop all over his hands,' he explained. 'And he stuck me with that name.' [source]

"You will be 'Lil Poopy' AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!"

2026: "I love it when you call me 'Big Poopy'…"

I'm sure we're taller in another dimension

Rory: Monster Trucks is about monsters that live inside trucks, not anthropomorphic monster trucks.
Jon: [pause]

Rory: Fuck, marry, kill:

Jon: Who would fuck or marry Trolls? And who would marry Monster Trucks? The only answer is: Fuck Monster Trucks, marry Storks, and kill Trolls.


I asked some mates which Fantastic Fest badge icon I should choose.

I thought most would answer "metal," but most answered "mad magician" or "satan." I was leaning toward "cannibal."

Drew: Who would ever choose "pedophilia"?
Jon: Have you not been on the internet before?


For Halloween, I'm debating between being 21 Savage or Zombie Prince (Michael Jackson's "Thriller" make-up + Prince's Purple Rain garb).


In September, [Donald Glover is] throwing a three-day festival in Joshua Tree called Pharos. [source]

Wonder who he booked.

PHAROS is a series of live shows on September 2nd, 3rd, and 4th in Joshua Tree, CA. Each full-length, live Childish Gambino show will be comprised of new music.

Oh, it's just him for three days — performing only new music?

Please note your specific show times: early shows at 9PM and late shows at 12AM.

Child-Phish Gambino.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


34. Knoxville man thought he dated Katy Perry for six years online (Catfish: The TV Show, S05E15)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • Well, Naz escalated quickly… (The Night Of, S01E06)
  • "Fuckin' Kuechly…" (Ballers, S02E05)
  • "Hey, listen, Rihanna…" (Ballers, S02E05)
  • "Is this what circles is supposed to be like? We sit around on beanbags and discuss the flavour of young boys' penises?" (Vice Principals, S01E05)
  • "I never go off into the goddamn woods. Everyone knows that about me." (Vice Principals, S01E05)
  • "Stop accusing me of fucking men in the woods." (Vice Principals, S01E05)
  • "Cunt sucker"? (Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio, S01E06)
  • Joey Bada$$ being badass (Mr. Robot, S02E06)


(The Eric Andre Show, S04E03)

  • "A good steak's like a prize fight – it ain't good unless it's bloody." (The Get Down, S01E02)
  • "Somebody taught you how to do that championship fucking." (The Get Down, S01E03)
  • "Nigga, this is Flash territory." (The Get Down, S01E04)
  • "Herbert Gunns wants to talk to me? What for?"
    "He said it's about cock."
    "Cock? What, what the fuck are you talking about?"
    "Cock! Ed Cock!"
    "Ed Koch?!"
    […]
    "He said he's the man behind cock."
    "KOCH!" (The Get Down, S01E04)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Eric Andre Show

#clipoftheweek

Boys Don't Cry

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I am chuffed to present Backwash, a podcast by Adam Robot and I.


Episode 18 – SEASON FINALE:


iTunes link / Google Play Music link

1. Badassminton
2. Flossing / Paper Towels / King Size Candy Bars
3. Virtual Reality
4. Andrew Bynum / Trey Parker / Bobby Bonilla / Zack de la Rocha
5. X-Men, Ranked

We recorded this episode so long ago (June 5) that Adam Robot references Harambe earnestly. Alas, he edited it out.

#backwash

Jonathan Friend

Motherland is described as an epic military fantasy set in an alternate America where witches ended their persecution 300 years ago by cutting a deal with the U.S. government to fight for their country. [source]


"Jimmy Fallon's 'Lip Sync Battle' Gets Spike Series Order"
"'Carpool Karaoke' Series Coming Exclusively to Apple Music"
"TBS Orders James Corden 'Late Late Show' Bit 'Drop the Mic' to Series"

Series spin-offs of recurring late night talk show segments are the new film spin-offs for recurring Saturday Night Live characters.

I suppose America's Got Talent is Stupid Human Tricks, and Billy on the Street is Jaywalking.

Mean Tweets: The Series?


I thought "To Tell the Truth with food" was Food Network scraping the bottom of the barrel, and then I saw an ad for Food Network Star Kids.

How many kids versions of Food Network shows is that now?

Chopped Junior, Cupcake Wars Kids, Rachael vs. Guy: Kids Cook-Off, Kids Baking Championship, Kids BBQ Championship

The Food Network playbook:
• Rip off an existing show
• Themed episodes
• Tournaments
• Kids version

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


33. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog stages a focus group with Trump's biggest supporters, presenting a series of increasingly outrageous and extremely fake campaign ads, to find out how far they're willing to go in support of their candidate. (Triumph, Summer Election Special 2016)


Honourable Mention

  • Muslim Dunk Tank (Triumph, Summer Election Special 2016)
  • Rapper Warrior Ninja (The Eric Andre Show, S04E02)

Stray Observations

  • Ellen (The Night Of, S01E05)
  • Duane Reade (The Night Of, S01E05)


(Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio, S01E05)

  • Alf (Mr. Robot, S02E05)
  • "Immigrants don't enter America nearly as often as Donald Trump enters immigrants." (Triumph, Summer Election Special 2016)
  • "If I fuck up my pants, I'm-a kill you twice." (The Get Down, S01E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Eric Andre Show

#clipoftheweek

Fish Delight

If no black people could be on the USA men's basketball team, would it medal?


My "below zero" film synopses starting five:

Live-Thog: Suicide Squad

Not feeling Marvel Studios' new logo.

I have Samuel L. Jackson fatigue.


Louisiana exists in the DC universe, but New York City does not.

Hotel Cortez.

Easy on the music cues, Ayer.

How much steak did Viola Davis have to spit out?

Free association: Driving down Yonge Street = Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.

Yonge Street geography is wonky. Joker drives past the Hard Rock Cafe twice.

Is that Kyle Bornheimer?

Who is this playing the casino boss? Is he a rapper?

Joel Kinnaman eating a drumstick in the dark.

Waller knew that June released Enchantress by opening an idol, yet kept a similar idol on a shelf in her home, unguarded.

Will Smith's dialogue makes you appreciate George Lucas' writing.

"Without Me"! To Meyers Leonard's delight.

Title drop!

Yonge-Dundas is both Gotham City and Midway City.

The Native American dies first – twist!

I'm confused. Waller sent them on a mission to rescue her?! Never mind the SWIRLING SKY PORTAL nearby…

Aaaand rain arrives, because of course.

"Not me, shorty."

Killer Croc is Will Smith's dialogue incarnate.

A suicide squad of shitty Marvel film villains: Ultron, Ronan, Electro, Malekith, Whiplash…

Killer Croc wants BET.

Killer Croc watching BET Uncut.

Jared Leto was second-billed for seven minutes of screen time.

That was Adebisi as Killer Croc?

Not Kyle Bornheimer — Hopper on Stranger Things.

Each Twenty One Pilots single is more irritating than the last.

Random stars.

A Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead-type film that follows Joker during the events of Suicide Squad.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

32. American Authors…in a human centipede (The Eric Andre Show, S04E01)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • Donnie looks distractingly like Bradley Cooper (Preacher, S01E10)
  • "You're not God, are you?"
    "I am the alpha and the omega."
    "No, you're not. I just saw you picking your nose."
    "Noo…my son, I was…scratching it." (Preacher, S01E10)
  • Preacher Season Grade: C
  • "I bet when she gets up here she smells like fucked buttholes." (Vice Principals, S01E03)
  • "My wine sack! Who did this? Who drank my Chablis?!"
    "No one drank it. We poured it out. The pouch made it taste all meaty." (Vice Principals, S01E03)
  • "Ma'am, if I may, why drug him? Would've been just as easy to shoot and leave."
    "Killing a man instantly robs him of explanation. He has no time to process his final moments. Now, even though he was paralyzed, his mind was still able to understand why his life was ending. We let him die with answers. Otherwise, we're nothing but ruthless murderers." (Mr. Robot, S02E04)
  • Josh Groban Night (Mr. Robot, S02E04)
  • "It's like having sex with a protractor." (Fleabag, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Eric Andre Show

#clipoftheweek


Ed, if you hear me, I think of you often

Far Side Squad: A cow, a caveman, a scientist, et al.

If you trick-or-treat or chaperone trick-or-treaters, this Halloween, do you skip houses with a Trump yard sign?

Nativity Scene Idea: Manger Things. Mike is Joseph, Eleven is Mary, and Will, Dustin, and Lucas are the Magi. Hopper is a shepherd.

Imagine if John Turturro's lawyer character on The Night Of was John Turturro's lawyer character in Brain Donors.

Beers Alone Again

Oh, honey… Just live in the East Bay!


Bay Area Hipster Chef Roast with Kyle Kinane, Paco Romane, Drew Platt, Richie Nakano and More
5:45pm – 6:15pm
Bay Area comedians join together to roast three time "James Mustache Award" winner, "Chef Kale Hendrix."

They're roasting a fake chef?

Skew It On The Bar-B with Big Boi, Animal's Jon Shook & Vinny Dotolo and State Bird's Stuart Brioza
7:00pm – 7:30pm
Powerhouse chefs share key "skewing" tips with Big Boi.

Chris Cosentino and Jillionaire from Major Lazer
4:25pm – 4:55pm
Chris Cosentino roasts a full albacore to the global beats of Jillionaire.


[browsing Smorgasburg LA vendors]

White Guy Pad Thai… No relation to White Boy Tacos.

White Dude China Food.

White Chap Bibimbap.


3. General Tso'boy
Chinese po'boys, with fillings like General Tso's chicken, honey walnut shrimp, and mapo tofu.

Less Art

"I turned up to discuss my look, expecting we'd have a long discussion and slowly he refine it," says Courtney, "David [Ayer] just walked right in, picked up some clippers and started shearing chunks of hair off my head, Eventually he said, 'You look like bad news.' Then he left."

Elsewhere Ayer made Joel Kinnaman (Rick Flag) watch classified military videos the actor describes as "horrific shit," and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Killer Croc) listened to tapes of Japanese cannibal Issei Sagawa while having his prosthetic make up applied. [source]

We need a documentary on the making of Suicide SquadFarts of Darkness.


Previously on Adam Riff™:
On May 1, Adam Robot and I each drafted 10 films set for release between May 1 and August 31. Whoever's slate earns the most money domestically by Labour Day wins. I won a pre-draft game of rock-paper-scissors to select first, after which we alternated selections.


As of August 1:
 

Jon
1. Captain America: Civil War $406,938,832
2. Finding Dory $469,115,677
3. Suicide Squad
4. Independence Day: Resurgence $101,964,419
5. Star Trek Beyond $106,474,717
6. Jason Bourne $59,215,365
7. Now You See Me 2 $64,554,806
8. The Purge: Election Year $78,392,445
9. The Conjuring 2 $102,119,412
10. The Secret Life of Pets $296,882,885
$1,685,658,558

 

Adam Robot
1. The BFG $52,146,349
2. Alice Through the Looking Glass $76,645,512
3. X-Men: Apocalypse $155,442,489
4. Ghostbusters $106,497,206
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows $81,372,038
6. Warcraft $47,225,655
7. Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising $55,340,730
8. Pete's Dragon
9. Central Intelligence $125,300,228
10. Ice Age: Collision Course $42,598,462
$742,568,669

 
Let's check in on Adam Robot:

In order to beat me, he needs Pete's Dragon to earn at least a billion dollars.

Live-Thog: Jason Bourne

The trailer for Jord's film should be attached, right?

This slowed-down dramatic cover of "When the Saints Go Marching In" is a bit much.

When life gives you Sully, make that trailer.

Trailers for Fox comedies stay featuring people getting hit in the face.

Never mind that it gives everything away, the trailer for Inferno uses a laughably basic typeface.

Ooh. Legendary. Is this Skull Island?

No, The Great Wall.

WHAT WERE THEY TRYING
TO KEEP OUT?
– actual film trailer copy

Wait, Skull Island is Warner Bros., not Universal. Its trailer would be attached to Suicide Squad.


Is Albert Finney still alive?

"Silicon Valley, California."

Oh. Vincent Cassel is in this.

Enhance!

Julia Stiles' line readings are…not good.

Well, that's one way to solve Julia Stiles' line readings.

The Capital Grille.

Is this German hacker dude a returning character?

Bourne's father is John Elway.

Naz and Box [The Night Of] are in this.

Conveniently available tracking devices and hidden cameras.

SOMETHING'S WRONG. CHARACTERS IN THIS FILM ONLY TEXT IN ALL CAPS.

Vincent Cassel shot both Naz and Box.

Evidently, they could only film this car chase on one block of Las Vegas Boulevard.

This Las Vegas Boulevard is like the eternal runway at the end of Furious 6.

Vegas geography is wonky. Bally's isn't anywhere near the Riviera.

Is that a whip? A whip just lying around…?

How have police not found them in this…underground area yet?

"Extreme Ways" royalties are back again…

OH baby, OH baby
Can eat well again, can eat well again
OH baby, OH baby
No more vegan ramen, vegan ramen

That was Alicia Vikander as Amy Santiago?

I have no idea what Alicia Vikander looks like in real life.

Bourne 6: Chloe O'Brian tracks Jason Bourne down to ask for his help extracting Jack Bauer from Russia. A Universal/Fox co-production.

Bourne 6 sets up a film about a supergroup of heroes from Universal/Fox intellectual properties: Jason Bourne + Aaron Cross + Luke Hobbs + Jack Bauer + John McClane + Bryan Mills.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

31. Arsehole Guy (Fleabag, S01E02)


Honourable Mention

  • My Perfect America (Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio, S01E03)
  • AWOLNATION – "Sail" (Fleabag, S01E02)

Stray Observations

  • The angels wait for the shuttle bus to Hell in front of the Bear Canyon Arroyo Spillway Dam, which is where Ed on Breaking Bad picked up clients who needed to be disappeared. The same dog even walks across the street (Preacher, S01E09)
  • Sticky Fingaz and Lord Jamar (The Night Of, S01E03)
  • Eczema support group (The Night Of, S01E03)
  • ♫: Kakou – "Live in This Moment" (Ballers, S02E02)
  • Shaun wiping his cake (MasterChef, S07E09)
  • RT: OH WE LET THE SEAWARD FLY BUT WE CANT SAY FUCK INNIT @USA_Network (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
  • Clinton Street Baking Company and The MasalaWala (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
  • "Annihilation is always the answer. We destroy parts of ourselves every day. We photoshop our warts away. We edit the parts we hate about ourselves, modify the parts we think people hate. We curate our identity, carve it, distill it. Annihilation is all we are." (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
  • Bad Mandarin (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
  • ♫: Lullaby version of Green Day – "Basket Case" (Mr. Robot, S02E03)
  • Decker: Unclassified Season Grade: F


Academy Award nominee John C. Reilly (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S04E06)

  • Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule Season Grade: D
  • "I thought it'd be warmer if we slept in the same bed." (Bates Motel, S04E08)
  • "He's a good man, and I like him."
    [Norman literally vomits] (Bates Motel, S04E08)
  • "He had an axe in his hand and he wanted to kill me!"
    "Yeah, well, are you dead?" (Bates Motel, S04E09)
  • Bates Motel Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Veep

#clipoftheweek