Random thoughts by BEN!

- Apparently Rivers Cuomo co-wrote a song with Aly & AJ. For some reason, I feel like this will be the best song he's written since the Green Album.

– When watching Aaron's video eating the brownie out of the toilet, all I could think was: "Wait, so did he clean the toilet first? Because my toilet bowl is scarred by the shits I take."

– I'm amazed when I DJ and I get requests for "Low" by Flo Rida. I haven't played it in about 8 months, and I don't actually plan on playing it ever again. I mean… you people can't get over it? These are the same people who request "It's Your Birthday" when they mean "In Da Club". I want to punch people who ask for "It's Your Birthday". I'm not out of line here, I don't think – you can argue that "In Da Club" is the biggest song of any genre since 2000. Can you think of one that is as big? 50 will never, ever, ever top that song.

– I am renting out my house for the Obama Inauguration. Why the fuck not, right? I'd rather just crash in Baltimore for a few days and make some money.

– Can Jim Jones just fucking die already? Jesus fuck, how doesn't he get shot? He's maybe the worst MC in the history of rap. And that includes Bart Simpson on the classic "Deep Deep Trouble". Even MC Scat Cat wasn't this awful. AND he's trying to feud with Jay-Z? This is like Karim Garcia and Pedro Martinez? "Who is Karim Garcia?"

Everything in its right place.

From a friend:
So Barack Obama is at the pearly gates, he approaches St. Peter and St. Peter does not recognize him.
"I'm Barack Obama, surely you recognize me?"
"I'm sorry, my son, I do not, why would I know you?"
"Because I was the first black president of the United States of America." Barack replies.
"Really? Well that's just wonderful! When did that happen?" St Peter asks.
"About 5 minutes ago."

Okay, so, don't get shot please. Thanks!!!


Hmm. I didn't weigh in on the Sox loss or the World Series. Such is life. The Rays are good. I attended Game 5 in Fenway, and that was fantastic and shit.

I am pretty sure that last night was as good as the Sox victory in 2004, only with less dead college students.


You know, the fact that you'll now be able to possess 22 grams of weed in Massachusetts without getting arrested pretty much seals up Mass State as the most bizarre in the country. Two years ago, a ballot initiative failed so you can buy wine in grocery stores. So let me get this straight – it's a fine if you get caught with weed, but I can't buy a bottle of shitty Yellow Tail in a Stop & Shop? Fuck the heck is that about?

Wow.

From a message board I post on:

Person 1: My cousin died recently and although I acknowledge the loss, I feel more sadness for his 2 1/2 year old son who lived 3 days with no other supervision other than his dad's rotting corpse.

Holy shit.

Hah.

There's a lot of gloating I could do around here. There is. I don't remember Len Bias (I was 6) but I do remember Reggie Lewis. I do remember that I pretty much wrote "RL 35" on all my school books, on my shoes, and on anything else I owned. I loved Reggie. He died. Come to think of it – Reggie Lewis was really the first person I cared about who died.

I'm very pleased today.

Jon, soon enough, will post a conversation we had after Game 4 where I compared the Lakers to the worst things imaginable. I called Phil Jackson a fraud (who got outcoached by one Doc Rivers this series) and I'm pretty sure I called for a "NO MEANS NO!" chant at the Garden. But any actual fan of sports (you know, ones who don't show up halfway through the first quarter and actually can keep an NFL franchise in their city) had to have loved seeing three actual decent human beings in Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Kevin Garnett win a title and not some rapist. I love to remind Laker fans that Ray Allen called the whole Kobe Bryant situation when Kobe stupidly drove the 2nd best big man of all time out of town. I also love to remind them that their beloved "M-V-P!" was booed at home back at the start of the year. There isn't a more unlikeable athlete in all of professional sports – at least Alex Rodriguez doesn't yell at his teammates (unless they shoot it in his eye). A-Rod comes off as more of a tragic hero to me, mostly because he's got a severely damaged psyche but can play baseball like he's fucking Zeus.

At least the Hawks won all three games on their home court and made it a 7 game series.

Then the stars don't even matter

» I saw a guy remove his glasses before eating. Very odd… Ben says he eats without his glasses on too. He also has split hooves and doesn't chew his cud.

What? No I don't. I wear my glasses. I'm not some sort of animal who can't control his eating ability. Jon, I hate you.


— do you eat with your glasses on?
— why wouldnt?
— i

— so you do
— of course
— i'm not a slop ffs

— wow
— ok…

Jon: I need to start wearing glasses when I chat.

Did you know?

Did you know for the last two years or so that Jon doesn't want the results from important UCLA basketball games? Instead, he just gets results from me via text message!

I enjoy this. I actually do – about a year ago during March Madness I was half in the bag and I called him to tell him that UCLA won (it was St. Patrick's day, which meant a 2nd round game that he refused to watch). This year, I've had to tell him twice during the Pac-10 tournament that UCLA had won (including tonight).

The things I go through for you, Jon…. honestly.

Now…

… I don't want to get off on a rant here, but …

Okay. Really, Congress? Really? That's how you're playing this? Really?

I mean, it wasn't enough that Clemens is so unbelievably obviously lying, and that McNamee (however much of a scumbag he is) is telling the truth that you had to have a bunch of Republican Congresspeople get up there and defend Clemens as much as they could while attacking McNamee. I get it. McNamee lied. Yes. He lied to the fucking press. But God forbid that he do that then change his story when, oh, I don't know, under oath?

Here's some other fun facts:

Rep Foxx (R-NC) got a bunch of money for a fucking teapot museum. That's right – the woman who thought a posterboard-style set of evidence that Roger was innocent fought in Congress for her constituents to be able to have a teapot museum in their town.

• Rep Burton (R-IN) is the same class act who shot a pumpkin to "collect evidence" for the Vince Foster hullabaloo, and once knocked up his girlfriend (while he was married) and went years without visiting his son.

I'm not condemning the GOP here – there were a couple of Dems today who shit the bed equally, but come on. This was absurd. If you don't want to appear partial, as soon as it's over don't go over to Roger and shake his hand and pat his back.

Wow.

The only positive thing I can think of about Hitler's time on earth—I'm sure he would have eliminated all bloggers. In Colonial times, bloggers were called "Pamphleteers." They hung on street corners handing them out to passersby. Now, they hang out on electronic street corners, hoping somebody mouses on to their pretentious sites. Different medium, same MO. Shakespeare accidentally summed up the genre best with these words from a MacBeth soliloquy: "…a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing…" [source]

Wow.

Gotta love Philadelphia!

Fuck the heck?

So this was my Saturday. I returned from Boston where my cousin Kaitlin got married (in the same hall that I had my Bar Mitzvah… weird, I know. You can tell we're a very religious family) on a flight to Philly out of Logan at 11:30 AM. Not a big deal. A few things happened on the flight:

— I was one row in front of the spacious exit row. In that exit row was a 100-pound, 70-year old woman. I was not happy about this. I thought the airlines were supposed to move people that had absolutely no chance of removing the emergency exit door.

— There was a 20-something hipster across the aisle from me. As the plane was getting close to landing, they told us to turn off all electronic devices (side note: have you noticed that airplanes no long include a "no smoking" sign above you? It's been replaced with a "no electronic devices" sign), where he turned off his iPod. The flight attendant then said to him, "and please remove your headphones." He didn't, saying that "my iPod is off – my headphones block the noise". At this point, the flight attendant went into full Terror Alert: Red mode, saying very loudly "Is this going to be a problem?" The hipster removed his headphones and said something about complaining. This I don't get – he turned off his iPod (I assume this because no hipster would rightfully own a Zune) – what's the big deal about having your headphones on? I don't get it.

— Why do you put your seat back all the way when you spend the entire flight leaning forward looking out of the window? I'm looking at you, Mr. Seat in Front of Me.

Unrelated – Sox are up 7.5 right now on the Yankees, and we're looking at possibly being up 8 going into the Toilet. This is awesomely exciting.

Too soon?

HEY!

HEY NOW!

I've always wanted to use that image.

Jon: I'm not sure the bridge collapse was tragic enough for a joke to merit a "too soon?" or an "inappropriate!," let alone both. But whatever…

America's Best Sports City

Boston Red Sox – Best record in baseball as of today.
New England Patriots – Randy Moss? Tom Brady? Adalius Thomas? Bill Belichick? AFC Title, please.
Boston Celtics – Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen. Name one team in the NBA with three players of this quality.

:skeet:

Addendum, assface.

Ben spent Monday at the beach with his pro-life girlfriend.
His girlfriend built a fetus out of sand.
Then, Ben destroyed the sand fetus in front of his girlfriend.
He clams that it's one of the funniest things he's ever done.
[pause]
You can't rate the hilarity of your own actions!

To be fair, I also yelled out "ABORTED" when I smashed it. Jon failed to mention this. And it was hilarious.