"Next up, Fresh Air with Terry Gross and her guest, homosexual David Sedaris. He's talking about his new gender-neutral version of The Mikado." (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
"Thought she was sanctimonious and white."
"Turns out she was sanctimonious and black."
"There's got to be a word for that."
"Yeah, 'reverend.'" (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
(Race to Escape, S01E06)
Race to Escape Season Grade: B
"When life becomes maddeningly polite, think about me. Think about me, Will. Don't worry about me." (Hannibal, S03E13)
"Will, was it good to see me?" (Hannibal, S03E13)
"I'd pack my bags if I were you, Bedelia. Meat's back on the menu." (Hannibal, S03E13)
RT: The highlight of our gag reel is Raul Esparza in that makeup doing Fire Marshal Bill (Hannibal, S03E13)
"Do please tell Frederick if you see him, I wish a speedy convalescence, and I hope he won't be very ugly." (Hannibal, S03E13)
"You died in my kitchen, Alana, when you chose to be brave. Every moment since is borrowed. Your wife, your child, they belong to me. You made a bargain for Will's life, and then I spun you gold." (Hannibal, S03E13)
"My compassion for you is inconvenient, Will." (Hannibal, S03E13)
"Save yourself, kill them all." (Hannibal, S03E13)
Siouxsie Sioux wrote an original song for the finale (Hannibal, S03E13)
32. The Correspondents Say Goodbye (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 08-06-15)
Frank's list repeats stuff (True Detective, S02E07)
"Now you just shit my carpet." (True Detective, S02E07)
"Guy's been around less the last three months than my wife's period." (True Detective, S02E07)
Halt and Catch Fire Season Grade: C
Fatlip (Ballers, S01E07)
Birdman (Ballers, S01E07)
"I communicate through what you call 'Jessica's feet.' No, 'telepathy.'" (Rick and Morty, S02E02)
"I'm gonna miss you, umm, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became 'Fart.'" (Rick and Morty, S02E02)
"Guys are annoying. All they want to do is eat Chipotle." (Total Divas, S04E05)
Deutschland 83 Season Grade: C
"I don't like Squidbillies, daddy." (Rectify, S03E05)
Zero reaction for Craig Kilborn (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 08-06-15)
"You're the bride of Frankenstein."
"We've…both been his bride." (Hannibal, S03E10)
"My relationship with Hannibal is not as passionate as yours. You are here visiting an old flame." (Hannibal, S03E10)
"You are capable of righteous violence because you are compassionate."
"How are you capable?"
"Extreme acts of cruelty require a high level of empathy. The next time you have an instinct to help someone, you might consider crushing them instead." (Hannibal, S03E10)
"It's a fish. Take it. Take it. Take the fish." (WWE Raw, 07-27-15)
Tommy is 53?! (MasterChef, S06E12)
"You can't blackmail me and then try to be the inside spoon!"
"Marisa was not spooning, inside or out. Our relationship was in trouble, and it was blackmail's fault." (Review, S02E01)
"I began spending all of my spare time in the park searching for my mystery mouth." (Review, S02E01)
"Family values may have declined over the last century, but we still help our families when we can. You are family, Will." (Hannibal, S03E09)
"You called us 'murder husbands.'" (Hannibal, S03E09)
"I'm the burp king of Westchester." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E01)
"You're opening a can of worms you might not be able to close."
"Don't tell me about cans. I know about cans. Believe me. I am one." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E03)
UCLA (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E04)
John Early is one to watch (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E04)
"Hand to God. I've been into sewing since I was eight years old."
"Oh my God. I had no idea you were that creative."
"Oh, I just thought it was so obvious that I'm creative." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E04)
"You're insane, Graham. Ayn Rand? She's not attractive." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E04)
Jon Hamm masquerading as Weird Al (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E04)
"He says he's going to kill me…like a soup." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E05)
Gene skipping after Victor (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E05)
"I'll fart my way into that snatch, just you watch." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E05)
"The strongest shape is the triangle. One, two, three. Do you know Pythagris? Pythagris said that if hypotenuse is length C, the legs are lengths A and B, then A squared plus B squared equals C squared."
"I don't understand."
"Coop, the tird is not extra. The tird is not hanging off from the side."
"Did you just say 'turd'?"
"Coop, tonight, we will be three. You will be our tird."
"It really really sounds like he's saying 'turd.'"
"He's saying 'third.'"
"Tird. Like, the…what go, what happen in the toilet."
"You will be our turd."
"I guess then I…I misunderstood it." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E05)
"This is wrong. I'm with Mitch. This is wrong."
"No no no. He's a can of vegetables. He doesn't have to know." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E05)
Bradley Cooper is only available for two days. Solution: John Slattery and a ski mask. (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E07)
"I trusted you with my diaphragm." (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E07)
Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp Season Grade: C
The lyrics to the theme song are subtly changing with each episode (True Detective, S02E05)
"You could've been a scrape job." (True Detective, S02E05)
Stephen crying in the fetal position after his tart shell cracked (MasterChef, S06E11)
"Kitchen Nightmare." (Hannibal, S03E08)
"I stopped drinking beer when I found out what you were putting in mine."
"Who." (Hannibal, S03E08)
"You have served me this before."
"One of my favourite desserts – traditionally made with pig's blood; in this case, a local cow."
"…And when you last made it for me?"
"The blood was from a cow, only in the derogatory sense." (Hannibal, S03E08)
None of the acronyms are acronyms (King of the Nerds UK, S01E01)
"Glove box. Take a cure." (True Detective, S02E04)
"You have one of the largest auras I've ever seen." (True Detective, S02E04)
"Black rage goes a long way. Sometimes your worst self is your best self." (True Detective, S02E04)
Season one adversary: Apple. Season two adversary: Nintendo. (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E07)
"Apparently, Richard Sherman challenged Money Mayweather to a bare knuckle brawl in Vegas last night." (Ballers, S01E04)
(The Strain, S02E01)
"WWE's version of the All-Star Game" = Randy Orton/Ryback vs. Sheamus/Big Show (WWE Raw, 07-13-15)
"We need to eat with our eyes, and, uhhh, that looks like a stuffed condom. Ground beef and strawberries do not go – ever." (MasterChef, S06E10)
"There's a saying: 'The devil's at his strongest while we're looking the other way,' like a program running in the background silently while we're busy doing other shit – 'daemons,' they call them. They perform action without user interaction – monitoring, logging, notifications, primal urges, repressed memories, unconscious habits. They're always there, always active. You can try to be right, you can try to be good, you can try to make a difference, but it's all bullshit, 'cause intentions are irrelevant. They don't drive us – daemons do. And me? I've got more than most." (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
Hackers watching Hackers (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
"I bet you right now some writer's working hard on a TV show that'll mess up this generation's idea of hacker culture." (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
"You dropped your forgiveness, Will. You forgive how God forgives. Would you have done it quickly, or would you have stopped to gloat?"
"Does God gloat?"
"Often." (Hannibal, S03E06)
"Scott, I've got something extra special for you – the Heart of the Ocean necklace from Titanic. To retrieve it, I had to go to some place dark and foreboding, devoid of human life – Planet Hollywood in Myrtle Beach."
"I thought that astronaut gave it to Britney Spears." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E21)
David Copperfield: "Well, it was me, Aaron Williams, and Rod Stewart going out every night for about 10 years, crushing pussy and making money." (7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)
"No one actually thought he was saying goodbye to tennis for good, because, that's a crazy thing to say when retiring. 'Later, tennis'?" (7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)
"Nintendo. It's a bunch of little men fighting turtles or something." (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E05)
"True evil is, above all things, seductive." (Penny Dreadful, S02E09)
"I thought about putting Pandora and her wicked box in the exhibit, but in the end, I didn't. I mean, how could you show what the box contained?"
"I could tell you – a mirror." (Penny Dreadful, S02E09)
"In this house, I have found kindness among the unkind." (Penny Dreadful, S02E09)
Charlie's birthday cake (MasterChef, S06E08)
"He likes music, he likes wine, he likes food, and he likes you. How did you taste, Dr. Bloom? Sweet, I bet. I'm sure you got a taste of him too. Spitters are quitters, and you don't strike me as a quitter." (Hannibal, S03E05)
"Aspen. That's a boy's name?" (True Detective, S02E01)
"You're supposed to savour that."
"Yeah? Let me try it again." (True Detective, S02E01)
"We were created to rule, my love, and the blood of mankind will water our garden, us, and our kin, and our children, and our generations. We are the conquerors. We are the pure blood. We are steel and sinew both. We are the next thousand years. We are the dead." (Penny Dreadful, S02E08)
"Fuck the Trojans" (Ballers, S01E01)
Don Shula: "You are an asshole." (Ballers, S01E01)
Mixing Belgian waffle batter in a saxophone (Cutthroat Kitchen, S08E06)
"It feels like all our heroes are counterfeit" – Lance Armstrong, Bill Cosby, Tom Brady (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
"You like music. I like music. Maroon 5?" (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
"Even though he's the head technology guy at one of the biggest companies in the world, he owns a BlackBerry." (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
"Nobody beats the Riz." (Hannibal, S03E04)
"I'm all ears. They've just been…redistributed." (Hannibal, S03E04)
"And Filipinos find this amusing? They are a fascinating people." (Silicon Valley, S02E10)
"You do not call a man a fool on the transom of his own home, a home that happens to be the world headquarters of a company giving streaming video of a man who's about to drink his own urine online for tens of thousands of Filipinos." (Silicon Valley, S02E10)
Silicon Valley Season Grade: B+
"Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!"
"Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states." (Veep, S04E10)
"Everybody give it up for Band of the Horses." (Veep, S04E10)
"Amy Brookheimer, who so successfully ran my campaign until she became unwell." (Veep, S04E10)
Veep Season Grade: B-
"It's [dancing] the opposite of homicide. Always look in your opponent's eyes." (Penny Dreadful, S02E07)
"Welcome to the night, Vanessa." (Penny Dreadful, S02E07)
"I'll cry at a human's touch / And crying with a hard-on is too muuuuuch." (China, IL, S03E10)
Cat Power as a talking gorilla (China, IL, S03E10)
China, IL Season Grade: B-
"Johnny Idiot Face over there is never gonna bring you a title." (WWE Raw, 06-15-15)
"He got Miz all over me." (WWE Raw, 06-15-15)
RT: Someone just called Gordon Ramsay "the godfather of steak." (MasterChef, S06E06)
"That may have been impulsive." (Hannibal, S03E03)
"Technically, you killed him." (Hannibal, S03E03)
"You cannot preserve entropy. It gradually descends into disorder." (Hannibal, S03E03)
"What were you like as a young man?"
"I was rooting for Mephistopheles and contemptuous of Faust." (Hannibal, S03E03)
"How did your sister taste?" (Hannibal, S03E03)
"She's left a trail of successes behind her as long as his dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
"He has a history of trashing rooms as long as his dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
"I wish I had a story half as interesting as theirs or this guy's dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
Childrens Hospital Season Grade: D+
"You know the dangers of diabetic ketoacidosis!" (A Deadly Adoption, 06-20-15)
"I don't tape."
"You will be sorry when I slice your bicep." (Orphan Black, S03E10)
Orphan Black Season Grade: C
"All the David Sedarises. Or Sedari, I guess?" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E03)
"White people, and other." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E04)
What a year it's been for Yaz (Orange Is the New Black, S03E04)
"So, umm…Walmart. Uhh, how 'bout Walmart?" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E05)
"Oh, last year I got into such a huge fight at the expo. Some dude's like, 'If you got a horn on your head, you can't be Pegasus. Pegasus isn't a unicorn.' And I'm like, 'In Sailor Moon he is, bitch!'" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
"No one here is people." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
Chang watching a Chinese drama (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
"Red Velvet is shit." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
"My college friends called me 'Tall McCartney.'" (Veep, S04E09)
"I was getting some medicine."
"What kind of medicine?"
"I have problems with my left knee. It hurts when I crouch."
"What was the name of the medicine?"
"Umm, I want to say, it's called, uhh,…Crouch Cream." (Veep, S04E09)
"Girls won't fuck you if you're not a feminist." (China, IL, S03E09)
"How was your weekend?"
"Great. So great, man. I got a lot out of my system – namely, semen." (China, IL, S03E09)
Hulk Hogan eating Julia Roberts' pube (China, IL, S03E09)
"…now that the love of my life is gonna shoot out of the dean's ass in a few hours." (China, IL, S03E09)
Canned corn in a dessert (MasterChef, S06E05)
"Your grits give me the shits." (MasterChef, S06E05)
"God can't save any of us because it's inelegant. Elegance is more important than suffering. That's his design." (Hannibal, S03E02)
"A valentine written on a broken man." (Hannibal, S03E02)
I keep thinking Ben Feldman is Thomas Ian Nicholas (Childrens Hospital, S06E13)
Helena as Alison (Orphan Black, S03E09)
Castor is Leda! Leda is Castor! Castor is a woman! (Orphan Black, S03E09)
"Nice is for cowards and Democrats." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E02)
More like Lord of Broken Bones, amirite? (Game of Thrones, S05E08)
"He's prettier than both my daughters, but he knows how to fight." (Game of Thrones, S05E08)
(Game of Thrones, S05E08)
(Game of Thrones, S05E08)
I didn't recognize Gordon at first (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E01)
"What are you doing? This is Palo Alto. People are lunatics about smoking here. We don't enjoy all the freedoms that you have in China." (Silicon Valley, S02E08)
"He's not gonna do shit. He's a coder."
"By definition, we're all pussies." (Silicon Valley, S02E08)
"Join the circle jerk. Grab a dick." (Veep, S04E08)
"Well, this is a long glass of frozen strawberry fuck-up." (Veep, S04E08)
"You think I wanna be in this fuckin' Minecraft piece of shit?" (Veep, S04E08)
"You colossal fuckin' fanny pack!" (Veep, S04E08)
"You're parasites. You're like an infestation of mediocrity. I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster. You're Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin. And Nazi doctor." (Veep, S04E08)
"All sad people like poetry. Happy people like songs." (Penny Dreadful, S02E05)
RT: That, uh, that was some sex, huh? (Penny Dreadful, S02E05)
"Shut up and do as I say, or else you are a Chris Brown." (China, IL, S03E08)
"I didn't shit right!" (China, IL, S03E08)
F bomb! (Community, S06E13)
Jeff standing up and removing his shirt in Dean Pelton's pitch (Community, S06E13)
Tom Waits adjace version of the theme song (Community, S06E13)
Two F bombs! (Community, S06E13)
"I want to have an opinion about those [looks around] boring-ass Marvel movies." (Community, S06E13)
"I want to have so much behind me I'm not a slave to what's in front of me, especially these [looks around] flavourless, unremarkable Marvel movies." (Community, S06E13)
RT: One last dig at Port and Guarascio, as Chang explains, "I farted during the fourth one. It's an inside joke." (Community, S06E13)
Community Season Grade: C+
"Bonsoir." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"Smells of candy apples and thyme. You smoked me in thyme."
"Smoked, glazed, served on a sugar cane quill. You'll be falling off the bone." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"This isn't cannibalism, Abel. It's only cannibalism if we're equals." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"You no longer have ethical concerns, Hannibal. You have aesthetical ones."
"Ethics become aesthetics." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"Your peace is without morality."
"Morality doesn't exist. Only morale." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"I've taken off my person suit." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"Will Graham was not a suitable substitute for therapy." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"My wife and I would love to have you for dinner." (Hannibal, S03E01)
Bedelia eating oysters and acorns (Hannibal, S03E01)
"My husband has a very sophisticated palate. He's very particular about how I taste."
"Is it that kind of party?" (Hannibal, S03E01)
Zachary Quinto cameo (Hannibal, S03E01)
"You overestimate my affection for the genuine Dr. Fell. Clearly, you found him as distasteful as I did."
"On the contrary." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"Observe or participate?" (Hannibal, S03E01)
"You're leaving in the middle of a show?"
"I'm like Gladiator – I want to beat Traffic." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E20)
"I just hope my last dying word isn't something stupid like 'nardmaster.'" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E20)
"What is that thing?"
"This thing is Wes Borland." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S03E01)
"All rulers are either butchers or meat." (Game of Thrones, S05E07)
"Before he brought us Digg, Kevin Rose had to bring us…a whole lot of useless things, then after Digg as well, for that matter." (Silicon Valley, S02E07)
Crazy Town's "Butterfly" – a joke in Orange County and Silicon Valley (Silicon Valley, S02E07)
"Get Mike to draft a statement. He's got a 'thoughts and prayers' template." (Veep, S04E07)
"I like my bourbon like I like my women – 18 years old and wet."
"I'm more of a White Russian man myself." (Veep, S04E07)
(True Life: I Hate My Butt, 05-25-15)
"She doesn't understand filmmaking. I lived in New York." (Community, S06E12)
"Don't Jim the camera like that." (Community, S06E12)
"White people like encouragement. It really doesn't matter what form." (Community, S06E12)
"This is a man that knows how to marry his cousin!" (Community, S06E12)
"None of us would have met if Hitler hadn't been born."
"Also, none of Britta's arguments would have a default analogy."
"You go to the Hitler well a lot."
"What are you, Hitler, Hitler?" (Community, S06E12)
"What are 'sickies'?"
"Mexicans." (Louie, S05E08)
"Hey, don't knock the fart jokes! Those are my babies. Those are my fart babies." (Louie, S05E08)
"Every fart is funny. I've laughed at every fart I ever heard." (Louie, S05E08)
"I gotta take a pizza dump." (Louie, S05E08)
Louie Season Grade: C+
(Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E19)
"According to the lab, all the semen samples came from the same person, probably male." (Childrens Hospital, S06E11)
"We had a Meg Ryan film festival and this place was disgusting afterwards." (Bob's Burgers, S05E20)
"Don Johnson it." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E23)
"Have fun on your honeymoon."
"We will. We're going to Waco, Texas."
"I don't know. It was just on Dateline." – timing! (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E23)
Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C-
"Cut his throat, and then chop off his cock. We'll sell it for a fortune. A dwarf's cock has magic powers."
"Wait! You can't just hand a dry cock to a merchant and expect him to pay for it. He has to know it came from a dwarf, and how could he know unless he sees the dwarf?"
"It will be a dwarf-sized cock."
"The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant." (Game of Thrones, S05E06)
Bob's Burgers Season Grade: C
Joan snorting cocaine (Mad Men, S07E14)
"I'm glad you're having fun."
"Sorry, I already went to high school." (Mad Men, S07E14)
"Do you have any liquor? I've been drinking beer all night." (Mad Men, S07E14)
"Yell at me slower or in English." (Mad Men, S07E14)
RT: OH MY GOD BABY GENE IS THE SAME KID THAT PLAYS ABEL ON SOA (Mad Men, S07E14)
Naked Brett Gelman (Mad Men, S07E14)
Mad Men Season Grade: B
Cow tipping (Penny Dreadful, S02E03)
(Penny Dreadful, S02E03)
"How bad is this? Be honest. Is this Windows Vista bad? It's not iPhone 4 bad, is it? Fuck. Don't tell me this is Zune bad."
"I'm sorry, Gavin. It's Apple Maps bad." (Silicon Valley, S02E06)
"Do you know? Do you know? I need a verbal 'yes.'"
"What is this, the exit row on an airplane?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
"I came into money."
"I murdered my parents."
"With the umbilical cord."
"Wait. So as a baby you did it."
"I came right out [whoosh] and I went [grunts]."
"And you got them both in one?"
"Yeah, I got them both, yeah."
"But it was really romantic because they were able to die together cheek to cheek." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
(Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
RT: Paul got a bit interesting and then he's dead. (Orphan Black, S03E06)
"Less enemies for us."
"Nothing." (Game of Thrones, S05E05)
Don reading The Godfather (Mad Men, S07E13)
"He doesn't know you won't get treatment because you love the tragedy." (Mad Men, S07E13)
"Sally, I always worried about you because you march to the beat of your own drum. But now I know that's good. I know your life will be an adventure." (Mad Men, S07E13)
"Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California." (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
"Do you think maybe you sweat from your urethra?" (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
"The British Museum holds the world's largest collection of historical pornography – aside from the Vatican, of course." (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
A doll of Vanessa? (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
"I want to take zucchini to the next level." (Veep, S04E05)
"Dead kids. That never sounds good unless you're a stressed out single mom." (Veep, S04E05)
"Chung is our answer to Montez. He can be our minority retort." (Veep, S04E05)
"It's like Christmas, except happy." (Veep, S04E05)
"I think I'd take a soy cap, and Richard?"
"Uh, eggnog latte, if it's in season. Is it? No, it isn't." (Veep, S04E05)
"Jonah here is the guy behind the guy, isn't that right?"
"Oh, I'm the wheel greaser, I'm the puppet master… A man of many nicknames – poon slayer…when I'm online." (Veep, S04E05)
"My advice? Tom James."
"He has a disabled son, check, wounded serving his country, check, is the checklist complete? Yeah." (Veep, S04E05)
"Hey, you know what? I got an idea. Why don't we ask Doyle back?"
[pause] (Veep, S04E05)
"You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets – and maybe slavery!"(Veep, S04E05)
"What a cool guy. You shit ice cubes, you piss snowflakes." (Veep, S04E05)
"Why is Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson at dinner?"
"Well, baby, this is why I brought you here. See, I'm marrying The Rock. He's gonna be your new stepdad."
"Baby Cakes, your mom is a great lover. She is the best at sucking The Rock off."
"Fuck you, The Rock! You're not my dad!" (China, IL, S03E06)
(China, IL, S03E06)
Bates Motel Season Grade: C-
"Armed Forces Day, huh. Why would they put it in May? It's just sitting in Memorial Day's shadow like a military Hanukkah."
"Fitting that both war holidays have to fight each other over the same month."
"Notable that the one we remember is the one with the theme of memory." (Community, S06E10)
"Then Hillary bought me Dick Cheney's biography. It's awesome. I mean, the dude destroyed Iraq, got rich rebuilding it – hero! Then he shot a guy, and the guy apologized – pimp! That should be the name of his book – Dick Cheney: Hero Pimp!" (Black-ish, S01E23)
"Salty and fatty. Thick as a pork chop. This is the Amber Rose of bacon." (Black-ish, S01E23)
"Just like your dad would be okay if one of you thought Kingdom Come was Jay Z's best album." (Black-ish, S01E23)
"I'll send everybody home."
"No, you won't."
"Yes, I will, Afghanistan."
"What were you doing in there?"
"None of your business, Tranquility."
"Her name is Tranquilit-ay." (Louie, S05E06)
"Can you believe this comes out of a cow's pussy?"
"You know it comes out of their tits, you know that, right?"
"No. Milk comes out of the tits. Yogurt comes out of the pussy." (Louie, S05E06)
Lancel engraving his forehead (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
"You know nothing, Jon Snow." (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
"Carol's a real special lady."
"Hey. You're a real special lady." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
"You are a toilet paper corn dog." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: B-
"Miller Beer is coming in tomorrow for handshakes on their new idea – diet beer."
"For ladies?" (Mad Men, S07E12)
"It's an octopus pleasuring a lady." (Mad Men, S07E12)
(Mad Men, S07E12)
"I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of Fage yogurt by me. Look at this. The angle's all wrong."
"Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt?"
"How would you know that? Have you been eating my Fage yogurts?" (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
"I've disrupted fatherhood." (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
Abu Nazir! (Veep, S04E04)
"Man up, Gary, or at least lady down a bit." (Veep, S04E04)
"Why in the name of pixelated fuck would you do that?" (Veep, S04E04)
"Fine. Inject him with the happy cupcake virus." (Veep, S04E04)
"Cersei has offered a lordship to the man who brings her your head."
"She ought to offer her cunt. Best part of her for the best part of me." (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
RT: Darkly amusing edit, from Tyrion in Essos wondering if Cersei will kill all the dwarves in the world, to a decapitated dwarf head being presented to the queen mother. (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
"Oh, farts." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
"You were my shade! And my pants!" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
"Was your mother Jessica Tandy?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
"Don't listen to Jane Fonda here." (Mad Men, S07E10)
"You don't have any character; you're just handsome." (Mad Men, S07E10)
"I don't want to be rigid. It makes you old." (Mad Men, S07E10)
"The girl I'm fucking was in the Olympics." (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
"You know what they say: 'bros disclose.'" (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
"Get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and then I'll go find some hos to prioritize behind you."
"Are you trying to say 'bros before hos'? (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
The Rose and Crown (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
Mariachi band cliffhanger (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
"Also: hair. Ask Marianne about electrolysis." (Veep, S04E02)
"I just wanted to say a friendly 'hello' in an unfriendly way. Hello." (Veep, S04E02)
"Catherine, America doesn't like you. It's not that you are unlikable; it's that there's a perception that you are unlikable." (Veep, S04E02)
"Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are military service or childbirth." (Veep, S04E02)
"Is it pronounced 'Sharlize' or 'Charlize'?"
"Pretty sure it's 'Sharlize.'"
"Are you sure? Why?"
"I don't know, man. She's from Africa. That's just how they say 'C-H' in Africa."
"So that one African country is called 'Shad'?" (China, IL, S03E03)
Pony putting a band-aid on her open fracture (China, IL, S03E03)
"Can't a woman get in a freakin' mood for one night without the whole world coming to an end?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)
"How much this run pay?"
"After FICA and Social Security?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)
"I've e-mailed every former student who's not in prison – or jail. Everyone remember there's a difference."
"What's the difference?"
"You go to jail if a cop doesn't like you. They can't send you to prison without knowing you're poor." (Community, S06E07)
"Eat your feet!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
The Chinese school teacher (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
"Topanga?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: B-
"I wonder what that's like, somebody constantly questioning your blackness, just because you misquoted the lyrics to 'Ain't No Fun.'"
"Why would Nate Dogg sing 'and you even lit my halls'?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
"People have been hounding me to watch an O.J. movie?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
"They only have my body." (The Americans, S03E13)
Suicide note on a Commodore 64 (The Americans, S03E13)
RT: Sandra: Let's agree to tell each other everything!
Philip: :| (The Americans, S03E13)
Paige! (The Americans, S03E13)
The Americans Season Grade: B+
"There are more bicycles in the Netherlands than people." (The Amazing Race, S26E09)
Vince Gilligan, Tom Green, and Lil Jon (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E14)
"Would you have a meal of chicken tikka masala with me?"
"That is a typical food of India, which, of course, is where we both are right now." (Childrens Hospital, S06E06)
"This erection's for you, Barb." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E01)
"The Motel." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E05)
"Mow-Em-$ayin." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E06)
(Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
"Neapolitan Charlie." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
Bubbles quoting "Beat It" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
"Private Dancer, lower your weapon!" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
Bubbles parodying "Tiny Dancer" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
Sam wants Swiss Chalet (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
Jacob's "Life Without Horses? …I Don't Think So!" shirt (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
"I didn't want to crush his family. That's why I'm at the memorial."
"Not because it was the right thing to do?"
"No, no. I mean, we never even went skiing." (New Girl, S04E19)
"Check my balls right now. Be purple they so blue." (Justified, S06E11)
"I don't even miss it anymore. It's like Circuit City." (Modern Family, S06E19)
"I thought you could help me, because…"
"Because you're not good with words."
"Well, I'm a doctor. I can't admit I'm not good at something." (Modern Family, S06E19)
Maury (Black-ish, S01E18)
"If it's a boy, I'm thinking 'Gimli.' If it's a girl…Gimli still works!" (Black-ish, S01E18)
How to get her to pee on a stick without knowing (Black-ish, S01E18)
"Don't drink the floor smoothie." (Workaholics, S05E12)
"I put peyote in the smoothies."
"Peyote at work?"
"As Joseph Rogan said, he took peyote before an MMA class and he said it was the bomb diggity."
"Do NOT make up Joe Rogan quotes! That is NOT okay!"
"Why did you Joe Rogan us? Why couldn't you just Seth Rogen us? We could've just smoked a bunch of weed." (Workaholics, S05E12)
RT: Henry really should be the second generation illegal. That porn stash is better concealed than some dead drops they've used. (The Americans, S03E10)
"That's not football; that's dots." (The Americans, S03E10)
Henry cluelessly nattering on about "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" (The Americans, S03E10)
Philip sharpening a knife while Paige eyes Stan (The Americans, S03E10)
"She seems like a normal baby weight."
"Oh yes, and everyone deserves a trophy just for showing up and everyone's Kickstarter has merit." (Archer, S06E13)
"The sub is too small to track with our current technology."
"Maybe the CIA should do a Kickstarter." (Archer, S06E13)
Archer Season Grade: D+
Troy Season Grade: C+
RT: Reality show rules:
-Survivor? Know how to make fire
-Amazing Race? Drive stick shift
-Hell's Kitchen? Make scallops & risotto (The Amazing Race, S26E05)
"You were in the movie The Dark Knight Rises, where you played Commissioner Gordon-Levitt." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
"I didn't realize this movie meant that much to you."
"It sort of launched my career in a lot of ways. I changed agents and everything afterwards." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
"Which outfit do you prefer for our big date tonight: This slinky red dress or this Battletoads costume?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
"Diane, wait, stop! If you step on that plane, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life."
"Scott, you're too late. I'm stepping on this plane and I'm moving on with my life." – Chekhov's model airplane (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
"Kirk Cameron. Alan Thicke calling here. I'm doing an ad in Siberia for horse bacon, and they're wondering if maybe we could get the whole cast of Growing Pains here. What do you think? Horse bacon, yeah. Hey, hey, hey. All of the proceeds will go to Christian ministries. And, uhh, all of the horses they slaughtered are gay. Heathen gay horses, yeah. (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E07)
"Satan's Dick Ring." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E07)