"I've never heard of anyone having a boob fetish." (Bob's Burgers, S03E22)
"Who's Louise? I'm just a talking plant. My name is Leafy Greenbrier."
"And I am Kate Bush." (Bob's Burgers, S03E22)
"Chaos isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some are given a chance to climb, but they refuse. They cling to the realm, or the gods, or love – illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is." (Game of Thrones, S03E06)
Joan's chest is almost a right triangle (Mad Men, S06E06)
(Mad Men, S06E06)
Something by Ralph Waldo Emerson (Mad Men, S06E05)
Characters in AMC [Networks] shows like to play Sonic and Sega All-Stars Racing (Rectify, S01E04)
"What happens when the non-existent bumps against the decrepit? A question for the philosophers." (Game of Thrones, S03E04)
"Never knew Bannon could smell so good." (Game of Thrones, S03E04)
"Congressman Furlong called, and he'd like some face time."
"Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva…so, that's a no." (Veep, S02E02)
"Most Jews in this country are fine with pork. 'Pork, shmork,' they often say." (Veep, S02E02)
Old Spanish – 30 Rock reference (Mad Men, S06E04)
Bonding over child molestation (Glee, S04E20)
Alan Yang wrote, directed, and stars in this episode (Parks and Recreation, S05E21)
"Human emotions are a gift from our animal ancestors. Cruelty is a gift humanity has given itself." (Hannibal, S01E05)
How did the killer transform himself into an angel? (Hannibal, S01E05)
"I am not too impulsive."
"You bought us a timeshare in Tampa!"
"The lady at the kiosk said it's the Sacramento of the east."
"But now we gotta go to Tampa every year! Tampa's not a place that you go; it's a place that you end up!" (Happy Endings, S03E21)
"It's impossible to ruin something that's already terrible. It'd be like adding more moms to Facebook." (Happy Endings, S03E21)
Today is the fourth anniversary of The Agony of Defeat, Adam Riff™'s sports Tumblr. Four more years?
14. Oh no they didn't (WWE Raw, 04-01-13)
Paul Bearer's real son: If anyone is wondering, yes WWE did come to us wanting approval for tonight's storyline. The way it was presented to us was ok. Seeing it on screen was a different story. I don't even know what to say.
The Blind Side 2 (Loiter Squad, S02E04)
Stan's speech about the bird and the soft mouth (The Americans, S01E09)
Carl's baseball bat silencer (The Walking Dead, S03E16)
RT: Carl: "Dad, I'm turning into a cold-blooded killer." Rick: "Pssh, whatevs." (The Walking Dead, S03E16)
RT: What's her name who hid under the body… That was a stupid strategy. (The Walking Dead, S03E16)
Good riddance to Andrea (The Walking Dead, S03E16)
RT: Why would they choose the prison over Woodbury? (The Walking Dead, S03E16)
"My master points out that men don't need nipples." (Game of Thrones, S03E01)
"Well, I'm sorry I tried to kill you – according to you, anyway." (Bates Motel, S01E03)
"You think this beard makes me Santa? I'm an elf." (Justified, S04E13)
"Higher up the mountain, worse the footing gets." (Justified, S04E13)
"Natural One" – from the Kids soundtrack to (Suburgatory, S02E19)
"I do like the idea of popcorn kernels in the pancake batter so they self-flip." (Modern Family, S04E19)
"Shoot yourself into me, Clark!" (The Americans, S01E09)
"The Revolutionary War: America won." (The Americans, S01E09)
"You do realize that if you call it a Sophie B. Hawkins dance, people will expect Sophie B. Hawkins to actually be there, right?"
"[laughs] Yes. And when she comes, I'm gonna be like, I will remember you doubting me."
"That's a Sarah McLachlan song." (Community, S04E08)
"That's guy's like Teflon. No matter how much awful stuff he does, he keeps getting another chance."
"Yeah, he's like the Colin Farrell of people." (Community, S04E08)
"There's only one thing I hate more than lying – skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk." (Parks and Recreation, S05E17)
"Nice to meet you. Eat fresh." (The Office, S09E18)
"It is super emotional, like in Toy Story." (The Office, S09E18)
"If so, food." (New Girl, S02E21)
Pam's allergy face (Archer, S04E12)
Fuller: I've been wanting to do the [Shining] bathroom [set] forever. I tried to do it several times on Pushing Daisies but we always had budget restrictions and I wanted it to be exactly like that bathroom. Every show I've done I wanted to build a bathroom that looked like that space. (Hannibal, S01E01)
"I am Sean Connery. I want massage." (Nathan For You, S01E06)
"You look like an assistant manager at a Jacksonville multiplex." (Happy Endings, S03E16)
"Damn you, you Kevin Smith smell-alike!" (Happy Endings, S03E16)
One-armed man – Fugitive reference (Happy Endings, S03E17)
"Say 'saddle up for love.'"
"Seattle has drugs."
"Oh. That's where they have drugs." (Bob's Burgers, S03E17)
"T is for the way you take my breath away. I is for the way I like it when you take my breath away. N is for no one else takes my breath away. And A is for asthma that is a disease that takes people's breath away!" (Bob's Burgers, S03E17)
"I brought some Schnapps."
"Oh, that's bad. That is really bad. Oh my G—oh my God, it just got good."
"You brought two?"
"Double fist it! Double fist it!"
"I'm not mixing peach and mint." (Bob's Burgers, S03E17)
Music: "New Noise" by Refused (The Following, S01E09)
Music: "The Tourist" by Radiohead (Bates Motel, S01E01)
Things that make you go hmmm… – this rape scene (Bates Motel, S01E01)
Louie Anderson (Splash, S01E01)
Louie Anderson (Splash, S01E01)
"I know this is a dumb question, but will a number two help?" (New Girl, S02E19)
Art was a Guns N' Roses fan (Justified, S04E11)
"You deserve a guitar as sexy as you, and… The man who autographed it… Deryck Whibley! It's a signed Whibley, George!" (Suburgatory, S02E17)
"You son of a snitch! What's your favourite movie? Squeal Magnolias?!"
"War Horse…" (Bob's Burgers, S03E16)
"I see James. Where's the peach?" (Loiter Squad, S02E01)
"I wanted to come out here and extend, personally, my heartfelt condolences. I want to extend my heartfelt apologies for your loss…at WrestleMania." (WWE Raw, 03-11-13)
"Oh, you were not aware of this?"
"Your posterior better contact someone at once!" (WWE Raw, 03-11-13)
"First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna acknowledge that this guy's awesome."
"Well, he shoots Theo Tonin, fakes his own death in a spectacular fashion, pushes a guy out of an airplane while he's flying it, parachutes into Harlan County with enough coke and cash to jump-start the economy of a small country, and then he has the balls to get a job in law enforcement, not once, but two times. He spends a couple of days riding around with you while you're looking for him, and now he's run off with a hooker that's half his age! That's some bad-ass shit."
"It's pretty bad-ass."
"Let's go find a whore." (Justified, S04E10)
"That's what you get when you mess with Tony Danza's cousin!"
"Devin Danza?!" (Workaholics, S03E19)
"Has she had you for breakfast, Stan?" (The Americans, S01E07)
Aadip decides to make a cheeseburger with no burger. It's a grilled cheese. So he puts slices of cheese, without bread, directly on the grill top and watches them immediately melt to the cast iron. "Man, they melted so fast. I was trying to grill it to get a nice sear on it." (Worst Cooks in America, S04E03)
"He's just trying to grill cheese. He's grilling cheese! Oh my God!" (Worst Cooks in America, S04E03)
What's behind curtain "not shitting you"? Zonk! (Let's Make a Dead, S03E12)
"You sure about this?"
"It's the only way we can keep you from resisting your urges."
"It's really hard."
"I'll be with you the whole time."
"No, I mean, it's really hard. Handcuffs turn me on."
[gasp] (Shameless, S03E07)
It's White Castle night on television (Shameless, S03E06 / Girls, S02E08)
"Your name's Max Flush and you're looking for a toilet? That's funny."
"And his name is Bob Burger!"
"His name is Bob Burger."
"Um, it's not."
"It isn't, no."
"No! Are you serious?"
"Bob Burgers. Then who am I thinking of?"
"I don't know."
"But the sign…" (Bob's Burgers, S03E15)
"You go play asshole in the mirror." (Justified, S04E09)
"When I take him down, his eyes will be clear." (Justified, S04E09)
"Tell whoever approved this that your face is a present from me to them." (The Americans, S01E06)
"If we call them city lizards, they'd be Mondo Gecko." (Workaholics, S03E18)
"This is like that Ashram Kitchen show Prank'd."
"Or Wilma Valmarammi's Blow Momma." (Kroll Show, S01E08)
"I may have started at Binghamton, but I finished at Syracuse." (Kroll Show, S01E08)
"You've just been Nnamdi'd!" (Kroll Show, S01E08)
"You really you'd this one, huh?" (Community, S04E05)
Adam DeVine is ubiquitous (Community, S04E05)
"He's the Schwarzenegger, I'm the DeVito." (Community, S04E05)
"Gingers smell like pennies." (Glee, S04E15)
"Sorry I don't know the guy who created Pong. Ask me what the release date of Halo 4 is – November 6, 2012." (King of the Nerds, S01E08)
"Let's, you know, de-escalate the situation."
"Oh for… De-escalate your dick!"
"De-… Wait, I mean… Escalate shutting up!" (Archer, S04E08)
"Was there not, like, a cock-hungry vibe?" (Archer, S04E08)
"Can you escort us to a hospital? I bet about three of these women are about to give birth." (Archer, S04E08)
"We all know who the terrorists are."
"Lupe! Come on! You're in America now. You just imply it." (Archer, S04E08)
"Que the hell pasa?" (Archer, S04E08)
"You don't even have a vet license?"
"Thanks to one petty local politician…and one petty barn full of dead horses." (Archer, S04E08)
"Lupe, ya tengo una madre!" (Archer, S04E08)
"Turns out he's some kind of spook."
"Dude, phrasing!" (Archer, S04E08)
"I never got to be mayor of titty city." (The Ben Show, S01E02)
"What the fuck is the point of being fat and black if you can't fuckin' tackle? Jefferson, what did I say is the only career path for you if you're fat and black?"
"Rapping and tackling, sir." (The Ben Show, S01E02)
"We also have to figure out a band name. You guys ready? All right. The Roving Stoves. Sugar Ray Romano. Leave Me the Beaver. The Fartin' Scorseses. Satan's Wang. Ass Piss. 21 Cum Street. Fuck Fuck Goose. Queef Latina. Vagi-Na-Na." (The Ben Show, S01E02)
"But there was one person no one would ever suspect – Santa Claus." (Nathan For You, S01E02)
Unexpectedly dark series finale. Scorched earth (Delocated, S04E01)
"Because the best gift that you can give a loved one is"
"Oral." (Saturday Night Live, S38E16)
Jorts, is a taxidermist, works at Walmart… (The Amazing Race, S22E01)
This vlogger Joey is excruciating (The Amazing Race, S22E01)
Carla is excruciating. How do you not know what a quarter of a cup is? (Worst Cooks in America, S03E01)
"Hey, let's describe our testicles with a movie title." (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
Jon Benjamin cannot sing in a high vocal range (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
"Me, a freak in the fridge." (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
"I made it rain shrimp! What'd you ever do?"
"Get underneath them. They're self dipping!" (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
Whoa. Tina found herself a boyfriend (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
"Let's go take the Browns to the Super Bowl." (Shameless, S03E05)
"Ian's dick was in your dad's mouth?"
"It's, uhhh, a figure of speech. It's like saying 'none of your business' – 'your dick's in my dad's mouth, man.'" (Shameless, S03E05)
"Can we have a party?"
"You bet! Just as soon as we dig up this old dead crack whore." (Shameless, S03E05)
"Dad, what's this?"
"Uhhh, that's a pacifier for your anus." (Shameless, S03E05)
"Wait, so some guys like to lick wieners?"
"Well, I'm sure, at first, they're attracted to each other's build, and once a connection gets made, then the wieners get licked." (Shameless, S03E05)
"I need to know, where the gay wieners go."
"You know how you plunge a toilet when it's backed up?"
"Think of it as one dude plunging another dude's toilet." (Shameless, S03E05)
Ian and Mickey's first kiss (Shameless, S03E05)
"I totally almost drowned a slut!" (Shameless, S03E05)
"What are these?"
"You don't…you don't know what a pistachio is?"
"It looks like a little penis."
"I don't know if you're joking or not." (Girls, S02E06)
"Young girls are great. Young girls and older ladies. It's the inbetweens that are a problem."
"Right. Exactly. Yeah, women under 18 and over 40 are the best at relationships. 'Cause the young ones, they can still maintain enough insecurity to be vulnerable, which is attractive, and the older ones, they don't have these bullshit expectations of what a relationship needs to be, or doesn't need to be." (Girls, S02E06)
Webster Hall hat (Girls, S02E06)
Directed by Todd Haynes [I'm Not There]? And tonight's episode is directed by David Michôd [Animal Kingdom]? (Enlightened, S02E08)
@DramaOn4: Those asking about Series 2… Watch this space. #utopia (S01E06)
"Anthony Bourdain is, like, the king of ethnic food." (The Taste, S01E05)
"Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. Direct quote, Scott Caan." (New Girl, S02E17)
Tom Walker! Paul Kinsey! Bernard! (Justified, S04E07)
"No one says 'I from you.'" (Bob's Burgers, S03E13)
"Who would be serious about these things?"
"Bill Belichick, Peter Frampton…" (Bob's Burgers, S03E13)
"Clean up, aisle my panties!" (Bob's Burgers, S03E13)
"I also ran over Vinny Testaverde's wife." (Bob's Burgers, S03E13)
Lena Dunham vs. Paz de la Huerta in a nude-off (Girls, S02E05)
"City pools are filled with city kids, and by 'city kids,' I mean 'black kids' – who swim. Little stereotype breakers, like those two kids who ripped your bathing suit last year."
"They were turning it into a bikini."
"If they'll do that when you're just running through the sprinklers at your own house, think what they'll do when they have a large body of water at their disposal. Savage little Cosby kids will drown your ass." (Shameless, S03E04)
"If ignorance is bliss, then Down syndrome's gotta be euphoria." (Shameless, S03E04)
"If God didn't want us putting things up our ass, he would've given the rectum a gag reflex." (Shameless, S03E04)
Here comes a new character: Half-brother raised as a girl (Shameless, S03E04)
"It's okay to be ghost. It has its pleasures. You're light. You float. You slip in and out unseen. There's no love to lose. Or burden to be. You have so little to hold you down. You are free. Some pearls are never found. They hide under the sand on the ocean floor. No one knows they're there. But the pearl knows. Maybe there was a time he wanted to be found. To be seen. And to be held. But now only hope hurts. I am my own secret. A secret kept by me." (Enlightened, S02E05)
"Something has changed. Now the ghost is scared. He cannot float. He's heavy. He's flesh and blood. He must open doors. He can't slip away unseen. The ghost is sad. All those years invisible haunt him now. Why didn't he try? Or care? Or be? The ghost is happy. He is found. He is held. And he is seen. The ghost is seen." [Joanna Newsom – "Esme"] (Enlightened, S02E05)
Her computer is cool (Black Mirror, S02E01)
Antonio Cesaro ragdolls Miz (WWE Raw, 02-11-13)
Eric F. and Kris' amazing giant (Face Off, S04E05)
"Rapes-with-a-Smile." (Justified, S04E06)
"You're a criminal. How you get blood stains out of upholstery?" (Justified, S04E06)
Michael Voltaggio (Suburgatory, S02E12)
"For your 15th course, we present a pork belly and veal tongue hash finished with shards of microbeak in a freshly lambed foam."
"Lambed? That's a verb? Lambed? To lamb? Who lambed it?"
"I did. I lambed it this morning."
"It was an honour to watch you lamb it." (Suburgatory, S02E12)
"We call that the 'German House Music' right there." (Workaholics, S03E15)
"Why does he have so many collars? [gasp] Secret dogs!" (Community, S04E02)
"First, we do the written exam, and then we do the personality evaluation, which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cause people always say, 'Buttttt he's got a great personality.' Okay, quiz me."
"Okay, what does it mean when an officer calls in a 3542?"
"Assault and battery. The way I remember that, I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries."
"Great. What is the criminal code for arson?"
"Arson is 533. You know how I remember that? I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries lighting a building on fire." (Parks and Recreation, S05E13)
"This is a nightmare! Wait, maybe this is a nightmare. [pause] Nope. Can't fly away. This is real life." (Parks and Recreation, S05E13)
"Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless." (Parks and Recreation, S05E13)
"This was bad – Fort Wayne bad." (Parks and Recreation, S05E13)
"We got Trent Edwards on the line." (The Office, S09E16)
Hannah Horvath vs. Andy Bernard in an unendearing-off (The Office, S09E16)
"Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace." (The Office, S09E16)
"We are endgame." (Glee, S04E14)
Rachel was impregnated by a gigolo (Glee, S04E14)
"What happened to your idiot voice mail?"
"Oh. I'm doing this new thing where now it just rings." (Archer, S04E05)
Ron Cadillac is voiced by Jessica Walter's real-life husband (Archer, S04E03)
"Call me if you ever want to test drive the new Coupe de Ville."
"Well, actually, I just got a new El Camino."
"Oh, so you're all set. That'll hold way more Hispanics and lawnmowers." (Archer, S04E03)
"If you're driving in a car, the gray-tufted warbler is the one that's cutting you off while fingering your mother, and it's in blackface." (Newsreaders, S01E03)
"If the gray-tufted warbler is my older brother Tom, he's, like, holding you underwater in the swimming pool, and he brings you up in just enough time to get a breath, your mouth is open, and he spits in your mouth, then he puts you back under, and then when you come back up, he says, 'Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father!,' and then he sticks you underwater, and as you're underwater, your heart has been broken by someone that you thought you loved and trusted, and when you come back up…"
"That's the gray-tufted warbler."
"Yeah, that would be a gray-tufted warbler, all right." (Newsreaders, S01E03)
"Latino voter." (Newsreaders, S01E03)
"Skateboarding is sort of the golf of Portland." (Portlandia, S03E07)
"You airport is, like, only… It's 20 minutes to and from. That's not how cities are." (Portlandia, S03E07)
"Wilco? Aren't they for, like, dads with receding hairlines and shit?"
"C'mon. Wilco is the beacon of anti-commercialism."
"Yeah, because no one wants to buy their whiny music. They gotta give it away for free." (Shameless, S03E02)
"But we are illegal immigrants. How can you underbid us?" (Shameless, S03E02)
"The only way to make money when you're poor is to steal it or scam it." (Shameless, S03E02)
"Sweet Dreams" by Marilyn Manson? (The Following, S01E01)
1. Demi Lovato Interview (The Eric Andre New Year's Eve Spooktacular, 12-31-12)
EA: We try to tell the guests as little as possible. The best moments are when they're completely out of their comfort zone. We specifically avoided booking comedians because comedians would understand it immediately. We were reaching out to like Mark Harmon from NCIS, and other serious actors. We reached out to Maya Angelou. We're trying to get Charlie Rose and Gucci Mane on the show at the same time so they can interview each other while I interview them. [source]