"Aspen. That's a boy's name?" (True Detective, S02E01)
"You're supposed to savour that."
"Yeah? Let me try it again." (True Detective, S02E01)
"We were created to rule, my love, and the blood of mankind will water our garden, us, and our kin, and our children, and our generations. We are the conquerors. We are the pure blood. We are steel and sinew both. We are the next thousand years. We are the dead." (Penny Dreadful, S02E08)
"Fuck the Trojans" (Ballers, S01E01)
Don Shula: "You are an asshole." (Ballers, S01E01)
Mixing Belgian waffle batter in a saxophone (Cutthroat Kitchen, S08E06)
"It feels like all our heroes are counterfeit" – Lance Armstrong, Bill Cosby, Tom Brady (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
"You like music. I like music. Maroon 5?" (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
"Even though he's the head technology guy at one of the biggest companies in the world, he owns a BlackBerry." (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
"Nobody beats the Riz." (Hannibal, S03E04)
"I'm all ears. They've just been…redistributed." (Hannibal, S03E04)
"And Filipinos find this amusing? They are a fascinating people." (Silicon Valley, S02E10)
"You do not call a man a fool on the transom of his own home, a home that happens to be the world headquarters of a company giving streaming video of a man who's about to drink his own urine online for tens of thousands of Filipinos." (Silicon Valley, S02E10)
Silicon Valley Season Grade: B+
"Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!"
"Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states." (Veep, S04E10)
"Everybody give it up for Band of the Horses." (Veep, S04E10)
"Amy Brookheimer, who so successfully ran my campaign until she became unwell." (Veep, S04E10)
Veep Season Grade: B-
"It's [dancing] the opposite of homicide. Always look in your opponent's eyes." (Penny Dreadful, S02E07)
"Welcome to the night, Vanessa." (Penny Dreadful, S02E07)
"I'll cry at a human's touch / And crying with a hard-on is too muuuuuch." (China, IL, S03E10)
Cat Power as a talking gorilla (China, IL, S03E10)
China, IL Season Grade: B-
"Johnny Idiot Face over there is never gonna bring you a title." (WWE Raw, 06-15-15)
"He got Miz all over me." (WWE Raw, 06-15-15)
RT: Someone just called Gordon Ramsay "the godfather of steak." (MasterChef, S06E06)
"That may have been impulsive." (Hannibal, S03E03)
"Technically, you killed him." (Hannibal, S03E03)
"You cannot preserve entropy. It gradually descends into disorder." (Hannibal, S03E03)
"What were you like as a young man?"
"I was rooting for Mephistopheles and contemptuous of Faust." (Hannibal, S03E03)
"How did your sister taste?" (Hannibal, S03E03)
"She's left a trail of successes behind her as long as his dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
"He has a history of trashing rooms as long as his dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
"I wish I had a story half as interesting as theirs or this guy's dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
Childrens Hospital Season Grade: D+
"You know the dangers of diabetic ketoacidosis!" (A Deadly Adoption, 06-20-15)
"I don't tape."
"You will be sorry when I slice your bicep." (Orphan Black, S03E10)
Orphan Black Season Grade: C
"All the David Sedarises. Or Sedari, I guess?" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E03)
"White people, and other." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E04)
What a year it's been for Yaz (Orange Is the New Black, S03E04)
"So, umm…Walmart. Uhh, how 'bout Walmart?" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E05)
"Oh, last year I got into such a huge fight at the expo. Some dude's like, 'If you got a horn on your head, you can't be Pegasus. Pegasus isn't a unicorn.' And I'm like, 'In Sailor Moon he is, bitch!'" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
"No one here is people." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
Chang watching a Chinese drama (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
"Red Velvet is shit." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
"My college friends called me 'Tall McCartney.'" (Veep, S04E09)
"I was getting some medicine."
"What kind of medicine?"
"I have problems with my left knee. It hurts when I crouch."
"What was the name of the medicine?"
"Umm, I want to say, it's called, uhh,…Crouch Cream." (Veep, S04E09)
"Girls won't fuck you if you're not a feminist." (China, IL, S03E09)
"How was your weekend?"
"Great. So great, man. I got a lot out of my system – namely, semen." (China, IL, S03E09)
Hulk Hogan eating Julia Roberts' pube (China, IL, S03E09)
"…now that the love of my life is gonna shoot out of the dean's ass in a few hours." (China, IL, S03E09)
Canned corn in a dessert (MasterChef, S06E05)
"Your grits give me the shits." (MasterChef, S06E05)
"God can't save any of us because it's inelegant. Elegance is more important than suffering. That's his design." (Hannibal, S03E02)
"A valentine written on a broken man." (Hannibal, S03E02)
I keep thinking Ben Feldman is Thomas Ian Nicholas (Childrens Hospital, S06E13)
Helena as Alison (Orphan Black, S03E09)
Castor is Leda! Leda is Castor! Castor is a woman! (Orphan Black, S03E09)
"Nice is for cowards and Democrats." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E02)
More like Lord of Broken Bones, amirite? (Game of Thrones, S05E08)
"He's prettier than both my daughters, but he knows how to fight." (Game of Thrones, S05E08)
(Game of Thrones, S05E08)
(Game of Thrones, S05E08)
I didn't recognize Gordon at first (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E01)
"What are you doing? This is Palo Alto. People are lunatics about smoking here. We don't enjoy all the freedoms that you have in China." (Silicon Valley, S02E08)
"He's not gonna do shit. He's a coder."
"By definition, we're all pussies." (Silicon Valley, S02E08)
"Join the circle jerk. Grab a dick." (Veep, S04E08)
"Well, this is a long glass of frozen strawberry fuck-up." (Veep, S04E08)
"You think I wanna be in this fuckin' Minecraft piece of shit?" (Veep, S04E08)
"You colossal fuckin' fanny pack!" (Veep, S04E08)
"You're parasites. You're like an infestation of mediocrity. I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster. You're Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin. And Nazi doctor." (Veep, S04E08)
"All sad people like poetry. Happy people like songs." (Penny Dreadful, S02E05)
RT: That, uh, that was some sex, huh? (Penny Dreadful, S02E05)
"Shut up and do as I say, or else you are a Chris Brown." (China, IL, S03E08)
"I didn't shit right!" (China, IL, S03E08)
F bomb! (Community, S06E13)
Jeff standing up and removing his shirt in Dean Pelton's pitch (Community, S06E13)
Tom Waits adjace version of the theme song (Community, S06E13)
Two F bombs! (Community, S06E13)
"I want to have an opinion about those [looks around] boring-ass Marvel movies." (Community, S06E13)
"I want to have so much behind me I'm not a slave to what's in front of me, especially these [looks around] flavourless, unremarkable Marvel movies." (Community, S06E13)
RT: One last dig at Port and Guarascio, as Chang explains, "I farted during the fourth one. It's an inside joke." (Community, S06E13)
Community Season Grade: C+
"Bonsoir." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"Smells of candy apples and thyme. You smoked me in thyme."
"Smoked, glazed, served on a sugar cane quill. You'll be falling off the bone." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"This isn't cannibalism, Abel. It's only cannibalism if we're equals." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"You no longer have ethical concerns, Hannibal. You have aesthetical ones."
"Ethics become aesthetics." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"Your peace is without morality."
"Morality doesn't exist. Only morale." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"I've taken off my person suit." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"Will Graham was not a suitable substitute for therapy." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"My wife and I would love to have you for dinner." (Hannibal, S03E01)
Bedelia eating oysters and acorns (Hannibal, S03E01)
"My husband has a very sophisticated palate. He's very particular about how I taste."
"Is it that kind of party?" (Hannibal, S03E01)
Zachary Quinto cameo (Hannibal, S03E01)
"You overestimate my affection for the genuine Dr. Fell. Clearly, you found him as distasteful as I did."
"On the contrary." (Hannibal, S03E01)
"Observe or participate?" (Hannibal, S03E01)
"You're leaving in the middle of a show?"
"I'm like Gladiator – I want to beat Traffic." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E20)
"I just hope my last dying word isn't something stupid like 'nardmaster.'" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E20)
"What is that thing?"
"This thing is Wes Borland." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S03E01)
"All rulers are either butchers or meat." (Game of Thrones, S05E07)
"Before he brought us Digg, Kevin Rose had to bring us…a whole lot of useless things, then after Digg as well, for that matter." (Silicon Valley, S02E07)
Crazy Town's "Butterfly" – a joke in Orange County and Silicon Valley (Silicon Valley, S02E07)
"Get Mike to draft a statement. He's got a 'thoughts and prayers' template." (Veep, S04E07)
"I like my bourbon like I like my women – 18 years old and wet."
"I'm more of a White Russian man myself." (Veep, S04E07)
(True Life: I Hate My Butt, 05-25-15)
"She doesn't understand filmmaking. I lived in New York." (Community, S06E12)
"Don't Jim the camera like that." (Community, S06E12)
"White people like encouragement. It really doesn't matter what form." (Community, S06E12)
"This is a man that knows how to marry his cousin!" (Community, S06E12)
"None of us would have met if Hitler hadn't been born."
"Also, none of Britta's arguments would have a default analogy."
"You go to the Hitler well a lot."
"What are you, Hitler, Hitler?" (Community, S06E12)
"What are 'sickies'?"
"Mexicans." (Louie, S05E08)
"Hey, don't knock the fart jokes! Those are my babies. Those are my fart babies." (Louie, S05E08)
"Every fart is funny. I've laughed at every fart I ever heard." (Louie, S05E08)
"I gotta take a pizza dump." (Louie, S05E08)
Louie Season Grade: C+
(Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E19)
"According to the lab, all the semen samples came from the same person, probably male." (Childrens Hospital, S06E11)
"We had a Meg Ryan film festival and this place was disgusting afterwards." (Bob's Burgers, S05E20)
"Don Johnson it." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E23)
"Have fun on your honeymoon."
"We will. We're going to Waco, Texas."
"I don't know. It was just on Dateline." – timing! (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E23)
Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C-
"Cut his throat, and then chop off his cock. We'll sell it for a fortune. A dwarf's cock has magic powers."
"Wait! You can't just hand a dry cock to a merchant and expect him to pay for it. He has to know it came from a dwarf, and how could he know unless he sees the dwarf?"
"It will be a dwarf-sized cock."
"The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant." (Game of Thrones, S05E06)
Bob's Burgers Season Grade: C
Joan snorting cocaine (Mad Men, S07E14)
"I'm glad you're having fun."
"Sorry, I already went to high school." (Mad Men, S07E14)
"Do you have any liquor? I've been drinking beer all night." (Mad Men, S07E14)
"Yell at me slower or in English." (Mad Men, S07E14)
RT: OH MY GOD BABY GENE IS THE SAME KID THAT PLAYS ABEL ON SOA (Mad Men, S07E14)
Naked Brett Gelman (Mad Men, S07E14)
Mad Men Season Grade: B
Cow tipping (Penny Dreadful, S02E03)
(Penny Dreadful, S02E03)
"How bad is this? Be honest. Is this Windows Vista bad? It's not iPhone 4 bad, is it? Fuck. Don't tell me this is Zune bad."
"I'm sorry, Gavin. It's Apple Maps bad." (Silicon Valley, S02E06)
"Do you know? Do you know? I need a verbal 'yes.'"
"What is this, the exit row on an airplane?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
"I came into money."
"I murdered my parents."
"With the umbilical cord."
"Wait. So as a baby you did it."
"I came right out [whoosh] and I went [grunts]."
"And you got them both in one?"
"Yeah, I got them both, yeah."
"But it was really romantic because they were able to die together cheek to cheek." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
(Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
RT: Paul got a bit interesting and then he's dead. (Orphan Black, S03E06)
"Less enemies for us."
"Nothing." (Game of Thrones, S05E05)
Don reading The Godfather (Mad Men, S07E13)
"He doesn't know you won't get treatment because you love the tragedy." (Mad Men, S07E13)
"Sally, I always worried about you because you march to the beat of your own drum. But now I know that's good. I know your life will be an adventure." (Mad Men, S07E13)
"Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California." (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
"Do you think maybe you sweat from your urethra?" (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
"The British Museum holds the world's largest collection of historical pornography – aside from the Vatican, of course." (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
A doll of Vanessa? (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
"I want to take zucchini to the next level." (Veep, S04E05)
"Dead kids. That never sounds good unless you're a stressed out single mom." (Veep, S04E05)
"Chung is our answer to Montez. He can be our minority retort." (Veep, S04E05)
"It's like Christmas, except happy." (Veep, S04E05)
"I think I'd take a soy cap, and Richard?"
"Uh, eggnog latte, if it's in season. Is it? No, it isn't." (Veep, S04E05)
"Jonah here is the guy behind the guy, isn't that right?"
"Oh, I'm the wheel greaser, I'm the puppet master… A man of many nicknames – poon slayer…when I'm online." (Veep, S04E05)
"My advice? Tom James."
"He has a disabled son, check, wounded serving his country, check, is the checklist complete? Yeah." (Veep, S04E05)
"Hey, you know what? I got an idea. Why don't we ask Doyle back?"
[pause] (Veep, S04E05)
"You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets – and maybe slavery!"(Veep, S04E05)
"What a cool guy. You shit ice cubes, you piss snowflakes." (Veep, S04E05)
"Why is Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson at dinner?"
"Well, baby, this is why I brought you here. See, I'm marrying The Rock. He's gonna be your new stepdad."
"Baby Cakes, your mom is a great lover. She is the best at sucking The Rock off."
"Fuck you, The Rock! You're not my dad!" (China, IL, S03E06)
(China, IL, S03E06)
Bates Motel Season Grade: C-
"Armed Forces Day, huh. Why would they put it in May? It's just sitting in Memorial Day's shadow like a military Hanukkah."
"Fitting that both war holidays have to fight each other over the same month."
"Notable that the one we remember is the one with the theme of memory." (Community, S06E10)
"Then Hillary bought me Dick Cheney's biography. It's awesome. I mean, the dude destroyed Iraq, got rich rebuilding it – hero! Then he shot a guy, and the guy apologized – pimp! That should be the name of his book – Dick Cheney: Hero Pimp!" (Black-ish, S01E23)
"Salty and fatty. Thick as a pork chop. This is the Amber Rose of bacon." (Black-ish, S01E23)
"Just like your dad would be okay if one of you thought Kingdom Come was Jay Z's best album." (Black-ish, S01E23)
"I'll send everybody home."
"No, you won't."
"Yes, I will, Afghanistan."
"What were you doing in there?"
"None of your business, Tranquility."
"Her name is Tranquilit-ay." (Louie, S05E06)
"Can you believe this comes out of a cow's pussy?"
"You know it comes out of their tits, you know that, right?"
"No. Milk comes out of the tits. Yogurt comes out of the pussy." (Louie, S05E06)
Lancel engraving his forehead (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
"You know nothing, Jon Snow." (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
"Carol's a real special lady."
"Hey. You're a real special lady." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
"You are a toilet paper corn dog." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: B-
"Miller Beer is coming in tomorrow for handshakes on their new idea – diet beer."
"For ladies?" (Mad Men, S07E12)
"It's an octopus pleasuring a lady." (Mad Men, S07E12)
(Mad Men, S07E12)
"I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of Fage yogurt by me. Look at this. The angle's all wrong."
"Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt?"
"How would you know that? Have you been eating my Fage yogurts?" (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
"I've disrupted fatherhood." (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
Abu Nazir! (Veep, S04E04)
"Man up, Gary, or at least lady down a bit." (Veep, S04E04)
"Why in the name of pixelated fuck would you do that?" (Veep, S04E04)
"Fine. Inject him with the happy cupcake virus." (Veep, S04E04)
"Cersei has offered a lordship to the man who brings her your head."
"She ought to offer her cunt. Best part of her for the best part of me." (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
RT: Darkly amusing edit, from Tyrion in Essos wondering if Cersei will kill all the dwarves in the world, to a decapitated dwarf head being presented to the queen mother. (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
"Oh, farts." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
"You were my shade! And my pants!" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
"Was your mother Jessica Tandy?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
"Don't listen to Jane Fonda here." (Mad Men, S07E10)
"You don't have any character; you're just handsome." (Mad Men, S07E10)
"I don't want to be rigid. It makes you old." (Mad Men, S07E10)
"The girl I'm fucking was in the Olympics." (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
"You know what they say: 'bros disclose.'" (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
"Get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and then I'll go find some hos to prioritize behind you."
"Are you trying to say 'bros before hos'? (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
The Rose and Crown (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
Mariachi band cliffhanger (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
"Also: hair. Ask Marianne about electrolysis." (Veep, S04E02)
"I just wanted to say a friendly 'hello' in an unfriendly way. Hello." (Veep, S04E02)
"Catherine, America doesn't like you. It's not that you are unlikable; it's that there's a perception that you are unlikable." (Veep, S04E02)
"Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are military service or childbirth." (Veep, S04E02)
"Is it pronounced 'Sharlize' or 'Charlize'?"
"Pretty sure it's 'Sharlize.'"
"Are you sure? Why?"
"I don't know, man. She's from Africa. That's just how they say 'C-H' in Africa."
"So that one African country is called 'Shad'?" (China, IL, S03E03)
Pony putting a band-aid on her open fracture (China, IL, S03E03)
"Can't a woman get in a freakin' mood for one night without the whole world coming to an end?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)
"How much this run pay?"
"After FICA and Social Security?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)
"I've e-mailed every former student who's not in prison – or jail. Everyone remember there's a difference."
"What's the difference?"
"You go to jail if a cop doesn't like you. They can't send you to prison without knowing you're poor." (Community, S06E07)
"Eat your feet!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
The Chinese school teacher (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
"Topanga?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: B-
"I wonder what that's like, somebody constantly questioning your blackness, just because you misquoted the lyrics to 'Ain't No Fun.'"
"Why would Nate Dogg sing 'and you even lit my halls'?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
"People have been hounding me to watch an O.J. movie?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
"They only have my body." (The Americans, S03E13)
Suicide note on a Commodore 64 (The Americans, S03E13)
RT: Sandra: Let's agree to tell each other everything!
Philip: :| (The Americans, S03E13)
Paige! (The Americans, S03E13)
The Americans Season Grade: B+
"There are more bicycles in the Netherlands than people." (The Amazing Race, S26E09)
Vince Gilligan, Tom Green, and Lil Jon (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E14)
"Would you have a meal of chicken tikka masala with me?"
"That is a typical food of India, which, of course, is where we both are right now." (Childrens Hospital, S06E06)
"This erection's for you, Barb." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E01)
"The Motel." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E05)
"Mow-Em-$ayin." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E06)
(Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
"Neapolitan Charlie." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
Bubbles quoting "Beat It" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
"Private Dancer, lower your weapon!" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
Bubbles parodying "Tiny Dancer" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
Sam wants Swiss Chalet (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
Jacob's "Life Without Horses? …I Don't Think So!" shirt (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
"I didn't want to crush his family. That's why I'm at the memorial."
"Not because it was the right thing to do?"
"No, no. I mean, we never even went skiing." (New Girl, S04E19)
"Check my balls right now. Be purple they so blue." (Justified, S06E11)
"I don't even miss it anymore. It's like Circuit City." (Modern Family, S06E19)
"I thought you could help me, because…"
"Because you're not good with words."
"Well, I'm a doctor. I can't admit I'm not good at something." (Modern Family, S06E19)
Maury (Black-ish, S01E18)
"If it's a boy, I'm thinking 'Gimli.' If it's a girl…Gimli still works!" (Black-ish, S01E18)
How to get her to pee on a stick without knowing (Black-ish, S01E18)
"Don't drink the floor smoothie." (Workaholics, S05E12)
"I put peyote in the smoothies."
"Peyote at work?"
"As Joseph Rogan said, he took peyote before an MMA class and he said it was the bomb diggity."
"Do NOT make up Joe Rogan quotes! That is NOT okay!"
"Why did you Joe Rogan us? Why couldn't you just Seth Rogen us? We could've just smoked a bunch of weed." (Workaholics, S05E12)
RT: Henry really should be the second generation illegal. That porn stash is better concealed than some dead drops they've used. (The Americans, S03E10)
"That's not football; that's dots." (The Americans, S03E10)
Henry cluelessly nattering on about "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" (The Americans, S03E10)
Philip sharpening a knife while Paige eyes Stan (The Americans, S03E10)
"She seems like a normal baby weight."
"Oh yes, and everyone deserves a trophy just for showing up and everyone's Kickstarter has merit." (Archer, S06E13)
"The sub is too small to track with our current technology."
"Maybe the CIA should do a Kickstarter." (Archer, S06E13)
Archer Season Grade: D+
Troy Season Grade: C+
RT: Reality show rules:
-Survivor? Know how to make fire
-Amazing Race? Drive stick shift
-Hell's Kitchen? Make scallops & risotto (The Amazing Race, S26E05)
"You were in the movie The Dark Knight Rises, where you played Commissioner Gordon-Levitt." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
"I didn't realize this movie meant that much to you."
"It sort of launched my career in a lot of ways. I changed agents and everything afterwards." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
"Which outfit do you prefer for our big date tonight: This slinky red dress or this Battletoads costume?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
"Diane, wait, stop! If you step on that plane, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life."
"Scott, you're too late. I'm stepping on this plane and I'm moving on with my life." – Chekhov's model airplane (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
"Kirk Cameron. Alan Thicke calling here. I'm doing an ad in Siberia for horse bacon, and they're wondering if maybe we could get the whole cast of Growing Pains here. What do you think? Horse bacon, yeah. Hey, hey, hey. All of the proceeds will go to Christian ministries. And, uhh, all of the horses they slaughtered are gay. Heathen gay horses, yeah. (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E07)
"Satan's Dick Ring." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E07)
"I have to scrub my junk at the Citgo." (Shameless, S05E10)
"Cockblocking Laura Bush." (Shameless, S05E10)
"'Ignite the spank'?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E05)
"Hey. I'm Todd." [mariachi music] (The Last Man on Earth, S01E05)
"That orgasm was generously provided by Phil Miller." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E06)
"Some freakin' fat dude named Todd." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E06)
"Big Shankhead here." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E06)
"What's your favourite part of Shawshank, Phil?"
"Uhhh… You know, so many parts, so many parts to choose from and to pick from. Uhh, probably, you know, the part where the Shawshank is redeemed." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E06)
"It's hard to trust fats." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E06)
"Maybe she was out of my league, but look at Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri. If that ashy little nugget could get it, so could I." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E09)
"R.I.P. B. Lee." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E09)
"I like quitters even less than losers. It goes like this: Quitters, losers, cats, Kleenex, Martin Sheen, redheads, croissants, buttons…" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E09)
(Face Off, S08E11)
"Mr. and Mrs. Ofay." (Justified, S06E10)
Ava! (Justified, S06E10)
"But you called me 'Banjovi.'" (Modern Family, S06E18)
"It's a shock, like when we first got high-def TV and I realized Ed Bradley had an earring." (Modern Family, S06E18)
"If you're gonna keep playing basketball, I think you really need to play a less intense game, maybe with more Colins and Ethans and less Maliks and Jamals." (Black-ish, S01E17)
"In cool, black 40 is the white 25." (Black-ish, S01E17)
"In health, black 40 is the white 75." (Black-ish, S01E17)
"Yo, [Jermaine Dupri], what's up, man? It's Dre."
"Yo, Dre, what's up? I sold, like, 250 million records."
"I need a favour, brother."
"Man, anything for you. I discovered Bow Wow." (Black-ish, S01E17)
JD: "Happy birthday, Dre. You know I danced with Whodini, right? And I'm vegan. Like, no meat. Completely off the dairy." (Black-ish, S01E17)
"You are a great man, Mr. Dick Blownoff." (Workaholics, S05E11)
"We do improv comedy. It's kinda like Whose Line. A lot of 'yes, and…'"
"Yes, and…what the hell's Whose Line?"
"Oh. It's like Wild 'n Out."
"Okay, well, here's a tip: lead with that. You know, just drop 'Affion Crockett' and people will be with you. Have we seen you in anything?"
"I've been in some commercials."
"Ohhh, he's the Captain Obvious guy."
"That's not me."
"I know who he is. Dude, you're one of the two Sonic guys! We watch you all the time!"
"I'm not, that's not me."
"I thought you were in commercials, man. What the heck? Do you even know Flo?" (Workaholics, S05E11)
"I'm a serious actor. I trained under THE Jim Rash." (Workaholics, S05E11)
"Okay, FUCK Jim Rash." (Workaholics, S05E11)
"TV's Michael Gray." (Archer, S06E12)
Morton! (Fortitude, S01E10)
"Man, this some bullshit."
"Don't even sweat it, mate. We'll get these fools on Frasier trivia night. The whole world know I fuck with Niles!" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E10)
"He [Jaleel White] orders Thai food delivery every single night."
"But why Thai food?"
"Because Thai food ain't got no cheese." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E10)
"Jaleel White's mind is so beautiful." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E10)
Fat Joey Fatone doing his "Bye Bye Bye" back-up vocals and dance moves (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E06)
"How much resentment do you have towards Moe Howard for constantly poking you in the eyes?" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E06)
"My friends, they all think my parents are adorable, and they think I'm the bad guy for hating them. But I have a right to hate them, 'cause I had to be there when they sucked."
"Yeah. Jimmy Fallon Syndrome. I get it." (Community, S06E02)
"You use your inside voice when you talk to Becky." (Empire, S01E11)
"I ain't got nothing to do with that." (Empire, S01E11)
"At least you walk like a man." (Empire, S01E11)
"Whoop the trick" – heh (Empire, S01E11)
"I'll send a prayer down to you in a flame-proof jar." (Empire, S01E11)
Religious Cult Mass Murder Scenario (Vice, S03E02)
"Face it. I'm not heroic like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies. I'm not even Tom Arnold in True Lies!" (Bob's Burgers, S05E14)
Robert Durst at Starbucks (The Jinx, S01E05)
"Well, you're not successful." (The Jinx, S01E05)
"The sarge and I are really into puzzles. Remember when I took that sudoku cruise?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)
(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)
"Scully, tell them we're cops. Tell them!"
"Nous sommes navets! Nous sommes navets! Shhhhhhhoot. That means turnips. I said we were turnips. I got it, don't worry. WE ARE TURNIPS! Nope, that was English." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)
"Don't shoot, I'm white!" (Shameless, S05E08)
"I'm the kind of gal who tries to make the best of things, and since meatballs will never ever exist again, I said, 'Carol, get your hands up, grab some raisins, and you smash them into a ball, girl.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E03)
"After doing the nasty, I need to have some beans." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E03)
"Move over, you silly woman." (Bates Motel, S03E01)
"Yes, mom, they're rappers, but they're white rappers. White." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
[Wu-Tang Clan] "But they're sort of Asian." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
[Dr. Dre] "But he's a doctor." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
"That's called being a G, mom."
"Why do you want to be a letter that's only worth two points in Scrabble?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
"Hangin' with Mr. Cooper?"
"Can't watch TV on Fridays because of Shabbat. Hangin' with God." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
"Shabbat is the Jewish day of rest. We're prohibited from doing certain things from Friday night to Saturday night – turning electrical devices like the stove on and off, handling money, putting flowers in water."
"It kind of sounds like you're Gremlins." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
Imitation "Sabotage" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
Did the Beastie Boys refuse to license their music? (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
Evidently, the show could only afford to license one Beastie Boys song (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
"You trying to manipulate me, Mr. Walker? 'Cause I'm long past the point of needing my ego stroked."
"Let's just say I don't see you pulling thrill-seeker hold-ups with a 'born to lose' tattoo on your chest." – Heat reference (Justified, S06E08)
"Don't eulogize the past 'til the future gets its turn." (Justified, S06E08)
"This is some bullshit. You shot me in the back."
"You wanted to get hit in the front, you should've run toward me." (Justified, S06E08)
"The past is a statement. The future is a question."
"The past and the future are a fight to the death." (Justified, S06E08)
Framework Season Grade: D
Hakeem sampling "Tom's Diner" (Empire, S01E10)
RT: LUCIOUS GOT THE MONTGOMERY C. BURNS OFFICE WITH A BUTTON TO LOCK THE DOOR!!! (Empire, S01E10)
"I got a piping hot Grilled Frank for you, okay? I got the sausage, the SPAM, the bacon, I got it wrapped in a jelly pancake and cooked with a stick of butter." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)
"Your mother's a giant whore."
"Right…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)
"Your head of security just choked himself out." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)
(It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)
"I got a dart hanging out of my face."
"Yes, you do. But look at it this way: We just saved you a trip to Claire's." (Workaholics, S05E09)
"Get a lap dance on a Gravitron." (Workaholics, S05E09)
Shirley stabs her mother with a fork until able to pull her abdomen open and vomit inside (Fortitude, S01E07)
"Oh, God. She can't just stop by, can she? Why don't we have a panic room?" (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
"No. I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna do something you hate. Let me see. What do you hate?"
"Nachos?" (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
"If you like her ankles, you should see her shins." (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
Cat dragons (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
"Bobdor." (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
"I had to get this corpse out of my apartment, period." (The Jinx, S01E04)
"ANYWAY, I went and bought a bow saw." (The Jinx, S01E04)
"I did not kill my best friend. I did dismember him." (The Jinx, S01E04)
"I feel like James Bond, and you are my mysterious femme fatale that I've been partnered with, Maxi…Pads." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
"The smoke machine is not working."
"I could crouch by the altar and vape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
"You sound like Gollum."
"That means nothing to me. I don't see those movies. I'm too pretty." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
"Love. It sustains you. It's like…oatmeal." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
Cut Carl's hair too, stylist! (The Walking Dead, S05E12)
RT: Did you recognize the new girl? It's Katelyn Nacon from "Too Many Cooks" (The Walking Dead, S05E12)
"I'm sick of having to change who I am, or wait 'til I'm older, or rape someone into being with me." (Shameless, S05E07)
Patrick crying at the funeral (Looking, S02E07)
"Chinese hello?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E01)
"Out for what do you need that gun?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E01)
"So this is my toilet pool. And here's my garbage pool, and this is my margarita pool."
"You swim in that?"
"I swim in it, I drink out of it. There's really no wrong way to use a margarita pool." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)
"They are mas-TUR-batory magazines." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)
"You stole my to-mah-toes, and you left poop in my garden." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)
(Fresh Off the Boat, S01E07)
"You ladies need to be very careful. A blow-out can give a woman too much confidence, make them take on things that they can't handle, Hillary Clinton." (New Girl, S04E18)
"You're afraid of her because she plays the standing-up guitar?" (New Girl, S04E18)
"But wait, I'm a gay wolf too / Would you like to eat some wolf Chinese food?" (New Girl, S04E18)
"I would say he looks a little too much like Wallace Shawn for my taste." (Justified, S06E07)
"Why aren't you on the manhunt?"
"Oh, I myself was given 24 hours to decompress. Look what you started, Norma Rae." (Justified, S06E07)
"You choosing me to take over Empire since you love me?"
"You know I haven't decided which one of my sons…"
"Piece of business advice from that Wharton education you paid so handsomely for: you pick the one who knows you're a murderer." (Empire, S01E09)
"Oh, I'll be damned if I'm gonna eat that."
"It's bulgur kernels. Not everything has to be fried."
"It's kernels of bulgur. The least you could do is fry the hell out of it." (Black-ish, S01E16)
"Don't be acting like there's not a glass ceiling for women with apostrophes in their name." (Black-ish, S01E16)
"He eats bulgur for your daughter." (Black-ish, S01E16)
Couldn't afford a Pink Floyd song, heh (The Americans, S03E06)
"I call this one 'Cowboys and Indians,' 'cause it's white and red." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
"Mall Blart Paul cop." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
"You'll get your dick wet in Heaven." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
"Yo soy Nutella." (Conan, 03-04-15)
Rum in a box (Conan, 03-04-15)
"Please, your majesty. I cannot wait."
"I told you idiots that wasn't the real Famous Ray's." (Archer, S06E09)
"Damn, Gina!" (Archer, S06E09)
"Oh my God. If anybody's jealous, it's you, hang on, shut up, I have something for this…Lana Cougar Mellencamp." (Archer, S06E09)
"Ugly Kid Joe?" (Portlandia, S05E09)
"Ladyboy show cabaret." (The Amazing Race, S26E03)
"100 best sci-fi and fantasy films according to Rotten Tomatoes."
"Event Horizon." (King of the Nerds, S03E07)
June calling Tay Zonday "Unfamous Amos" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E03)
"Nice house. Before buying it, how big a deposit did you have to take in the face?" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E03)
"Maybe you're the only one that can help her and I just lose."
"I am the only one who can help her, because I have apple sauce, and we all win."
"I hate apple sauce. My mom used to make me eat foods I didn't like to make me more manly – salmon patties, apple sauce, and onions. She was a very confused woman who tried her damnedest." (The Walking Dead, S05E11)
"What are you supposed to be?"
"I'm Gordon Freeman."
"And he's like, what, a mailman from the future?"
"No! He's one of the most popular video game characters of all time. He revolutionized first-person shooter games because you so rarely saw or heard him, you could better imagine yourself in the game."
"Wait, so your idea of a fun gay is a character with so little personality, he's basically nothing." (Looking, S02E06)
"Hey, you're a social media guy, right?"
"Yeah yeah yeah. I have 3300 Tumblr followers."
"Isn't that just for porn?"
"No. What? Well, it's not… It's not not for porn." (Looking, S02E06)
Jennifer Hudson singing a song from Smash (The 87th Academy Awards)
"You know the difference between us? I don't see the nobility in this job. I see a loaded, lopsided game, full of people justifying their cynicism as a higher calling. It's street fighting in wigs, that's all." (Broadchurch, S02E08)
Broadchurch Season Grade: C-
RT: "Why would gouging out one eye stop their plans?" (Gotham, S01E17)
"Smoke on the Water [Butthole Version]" (Better Call Saul, S01E04)
"My dad was about to stumble into the biggest restaurant craze of the mid-90s."
"Fajitas! Orlando can't get enough utility-grade skirt steak delivered in a sizzling skillet."
"No way. No way white people will eat meat out of a pan."
"Yes way. Yes way all day. You bring them tortillas, veggies, and steak, and they assemble it themselves. It's like an edible IKEA chair."
"Or Legos you can eat." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
"Why do they put the classifieds so close to the comics? I keep getting distracted by the misfortunes of Cathy. None of those swimsuits are right, Cathy. None of them." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
"Come on. Let's celebrate. Hey boys, go ahead. Crank up the AC to low." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
RT: "The 9 to 5 videogame was developed but never released (by 20th C Fox Games)" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
"I need to walk out of the MasterChef Junior kitchen with that trophy more than I need to do anything else in my life." (MasterChef Junior, S03E08)
MasterChef Junior Season Grade: D
(New Girl, S04E17)
"Ugh. I feel like Brenda when Kelly dated Dylan…or the other way around."
"Now I know those are the characters from the original 90210, but that's about my ceiling. Dylan… Was his nickname the Peach Pit? Because I remember… I remember that being a whole thing."
"I'm sorry. I'm a little wound up."
"You should be wound up, because the Peach Pit used to be yours, but now Brenda want a slice. Everybody trying to get a slice of that Peach Pit." (New Girl, S04E17)
"How many men you think we've killed? Between the three us, you figure we've got…a hundred?"
"That sniper guy said he got 255 all by his lonesome. But, you know, take that with a grain of salt, since he was a Seal." (Justified, S06E06)
"How come he had your card on him?"
"He's my realtor." (Justified, S06E06)
"You know where I think you went wrong? You hired a bunch of mercs 'cause they look the shit in jungle fatigues. Turns out, they know killing, but they don't know crime." (Justified, S06E06)
"Wonderful things can happen when you sow seeds of distrust in a garden of assholes." (Justified, S06E06)
"That's the whole point of thrash – gotta be loud enough to drive everything else out of your head." (Justified, S06E06)
RT: "Aw Choo-Choo, I thought you were going out by your namesake and then they pulled the rug out" (Justified, S06E06)
"Hakeem got a thing for the ladies / The ladies got a thing for the Hakeem." (Empire, S01E08)
"The best always goes last." (Empire, S01E08)
"The joys of being the son of a black man." (Empire, S01E08)
"Don't mess with me, Cookie. I'm not one of your jailbird mates, okay?"
"I wish you were. You probably would've made a good bitch for me. You look like you got a long tongue." (Empire, S01E08)
"Adam's Apple is like the balls of the throat." (Black-ish, S01E15)
"I've got bad news."
"Kim Kardashian stopped messing with black guys?"
"Zoe Saldana stopped messing with white guys?" (Black-ish, S01E15)
"It's just science. The dark is the absence of photons. That's it."
"Wait, so there's no photons?!"
"Where did the photons go?! Did they go into me? Oh God, I'm full of photons!" (Black-ish, S01E15)
Detour: Feed each other ramen in front of a blowing fan? (The Amazing Race, S26E02)
How much Little Caesars do contestants eat during filming? (King of the Nerds, S03E06)
(King of the Nerds, S03E06)
Burton is a eunuch? (Banshee, S03E08)
Why is the French Quarter so deserted? (Banshee, S03E08)
Home Improvement gags (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E08)
"Now, what's the matter? You usually only make that face when someone's trying to explain Kwanzaa." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
"Have you ever heard of civet coffee?"
"Oh, that's what this is?"
"Not exactly. This has passed through the intestines of a former child star. Even better. It has the special kind of bitterness that only child stars can conjure up. It's rich, like your parents, and dark, like the people you pushed out of this neighbourhood." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
"Cromuffbabkasant." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
"Excuse me. Apatow royalty coming through." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
"Oh, no. He's going to do something horrible to himself."
"Oh, good lord. He's going to watch an original show on Amazon Prime." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
"'Phenomenon' means 'to explore a cave.'" (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
"John Cena: Martial Arts Superstar." (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
"You're my Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon." (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
"'Eurotrash.' I like that. It is indeed a garbage continent." (Parks and Recreation, S07E11)
"And there's the dance studio where I had my first kiss with the cutest slash only boy in my jazz troupe. Then he came out of the closet – super gay. Then we kissed some more. Then he went to Oberlin." (New Girl, S04E16)
"Yeah. 28 points. Boom!"
"I'm pretty sure 'aplex' isn't a word, Mikey."
"'Course it is. I don't like that guy. He aplexes me." (Justified, S06E05)
"You okay? You look aplexed." (Justified, S06E05)
"How about skim milk? You got any skim milk?" (Justified, S06E05)
"God only does weird baby stuff." (Modern Family, S06E15)
Scott's long, deep bows as he rasps out "luggagggggggge" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E07)
(The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E01)
"White Food Medley." (Bagboy)
"Doctor and Daisy sitting in a tree. Uh, K-R-L-L-letter of snake." (Bagboy)
"Mmm. That's good horse. I could eat this horse 'til the cows come home. Little bit of sawdust, but who cares? It's from the stable. Oh, who am I kidding? Doesn't matter how much horse meat I eat, Daisy's still not gonna like me." (Bagboy)
"I was talking to Rosa about her 'dinner' with her 'parents.'"
"I am having dinner with her parents."
"Okay, liar, what restaurant you going to?"
"I don't know. Some Italian place."
"Oh, Italian! Makes sense, Pinocchio! …He's a liar, too. And Italian. …I over-explained it." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
"I'm gonna vape you like my e-cig." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
"I got John McClaned." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
RT: "Apparently the black guy quota on Walking Dead is set at a hard 2" (The Walking Dead, S05E09)
"What'll it take to buy me some time?"
"More than an A cup, baby." (Shameless, S05E05)
Nebraska, in black and white, like Nebraska, which stars Bob Odenkirk (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
"Cucumber water for customer only." (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
Chekhov's bin dent (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
Chef Ben's tattooed head (Cutthroat Kitchen, S06E06)
Chef Jackie bidding all her money (Cutthroat Kitchen, S06E06)
"Are you punking my abuelita?" (Better Call Saul, S01E02)
"Walter's not wearing Jordans either."
"He doesn't need to. He's black. That's like built-in Jordans." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
"And there's a point system, and then something happens with the clock, and then the winner drinks milk." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
"Water doesn't project success. Capri Sun does." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
"Go on, girl. Taste the rainbow." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
"This is not a duet." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
"Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie." (Parks and Recreation, S07E08)
"She designed her own major – Halloween studies." (Parks and Recreation, S07E08)
"I'm MC Hammer." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)
["Lightning Crashes" by Live]
"This woman's terrible." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)
"Miata Queens of Orlando." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)
MRAs – ha (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
"50 Shaved Old Gays." (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
"Men's rights is nothing." (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
"Which one of you is Janet Novoselic?"
"Agents Grohl and Cobain." (Supernatural, S10E13)
"How much you want to bet that she and Mr. Hutchins didn't die peacefully in their sleep?"
"Oh, but it's such a nice thought. It's how I want to go. I'm kidding. I want Sigourney Weaver to choke me out with her thighs." (Justified, S06E04)
"I need a real producer – Hit-Boy, Timbaland." (Empire, S01E06)
RT: "Dead at Raven-Symone's name being Olivia, dead at her sleeping with a gay man and her real life gf is on the show" (Empire, S01E06)
"Told my wife her naan is not as puffy as my mom's." (Black-ish, S01E13)
"Gay dudes are like hot chicks. They only part with each other." (Workaholics, S05E05)
"They're gonna be getting their cream pies from us." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E05)
"Asians know electronics, and fish, but Americans know cream pies." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E05)
"Gaylord. I could not have been more wrong on that one. You're clearly some kind of straightlord." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E05)
"Josh, you're being a huge asshole."
"No, Tanaka, sorry, it's a figure of speech."
[sad Tanaka] (Man Seeking Woman, S01E05)
Top Chef: Boston Season Grade: D
"Okay, here we go, so we have, ugh, tequila and coffee liqueur. All right, so, we can make, I guess this will be a…Black Mexican?" (Archer, S06E06)
"Uhh, hey, dick, I happen to be Pakistani." (Archer, S06E06)
"Canadian down low." (Archer, S06E06)
"We can't move you tonight. We're about to kiss Sister Sister." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E05)
Guest starring James Adomian and the Broad City girls (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E05)
Moby the dick judge (King of the Nerds, S03E04)
Boobypack? (Shark Tank, S06E19)
"The original lyric was 'I do practice Santeria,' but the record label made them change it." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E06)
A sex scene set to Icelandic metal (Fortitude, S01E01)
6. The Shot (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E04 – a Television Episode of the Year nominee)
There is a huge chunk of the [episode] that is one take, no tricks. It begins with Charlie first escorting the inspector inside the bar and continuing all the way through to Charlie leading the inspector to the basement. [source]
"I never black out for a whole day unless I'm smoking crack." (Shameless, S05E04)
ER – heh (Shameless, S05E04)
"Don't cry, Ginuwine, it's okay." (Parks and Recreation, S07E07)
"Just yesterday, I learned that the Pearl Jam album Vitalogy was written about you." (Parks and Recreation, S07E07)
"That omelette was so delicious!" (New Girl, S04E14)
"We wrote the check out to Cece."
"We do not know your full name." (New Girl, S04E14)
"Can you please tell my investment here that she can't make any money with art history?"
"That's not true. Last year, I made almost $22,000, and my life is very hard."
"You see that? You should be studying to become a doctor. They make good money, they get respect. Paging Dr. …Cece." (New Girl, S04E14)
"That one over there, he's all creativity and ideas. And this one's all data and numbers."
"[snaps] Six." (New Girl, S04E14)
"This is a man who would wear sweatpants to his wedding."
"I now pronounce me comfortable." (New Girl, S04E14)
Sunset Overdrive (Justified, S06E03)
"You understand me, Earl? I'm gonna shoot your dick off." (Justified, S06E03)
"Why do all your shirts have black men on them?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
"Well, Evan is not going to school today. His fat friend J.J. give him string cheese and apparently he is lactose intolerant. His body is rejecting white culture, which make me kinda proud." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
"Hey, y'all. When my neck gets red, 'cause of my white skin is out in the yellow sun, I like to come here, to Cattleman's Ranch, where I can get comfortable among people of my own kind, maybe meet my wife, or my cousin, or my cousin wife, for an onion blossom for only $2.99." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
"We got all types of special effects, like Avatar and The Hobbit." (Empire, S01E05)
"Get out. You people always misbehave."
"What you mean by 'you people'? You black like me." (Empire, S01E05)
"When this video drop, it's gonna put Drake, Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole, and all them cats on notice." (Empire, S01E05)
"Can you afford any precious time, especially over a thot?" (Empire, S01E05)
"You still worrying about singles when I'm 'bout to be iconic." (Empire, S01E05)
"You took a three-hour nap yesterday."
"I was tired from the marathon."
"The Downton Abbey marathon?!"
"That family is exhausting." (Modern Family, S06E13)
"Enjoy your stick, white friends." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
"Look what my mom got me for my straight Cs." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
"Love you? My dad never said that. My family loved each other; we just didn't say it. We showed our love through criticism and micromanagement, so if you said 'love you,' you were probably hiding something." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
"Kinda like the band Everclear. I'm Art Alexis. He's Craig Montoya and Greg Eklund."
"Okay, let me be ever so clear about this: You are no Art Alexis."
"I'm totally Art Alexis." (Workaholics, S05E04)
Tony Kornheiser (The Americans, S03E02)
The Shockmaster (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E04)
"They gentrified his pet cemetery?" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E04)
"Parallelograms are a bitch." (King of the Nerds, S03E03)
"Myth and Match" – good Nerd-Off (King of the Nerds, S03E03)
"It's not poo poo."
"I don't think it's poo poo on a stick." (Shark Tank, S06E18)
Siobhan! (Banshee, S03E05)
"I think there's something at the bottom."
"That's where Drake started!" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
"Until the day you die."
"When is that, exactly?"
"It's about 25 days from now."
"Mm-hmm. Don't you want to know how you die?"
"I do, yeah."
"Oh, it's a rapidly…"
"No, no, no. It's just a man. He goes by 'Old Age.'" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
"Starsky with Hookers." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
Everyone corpsing during the Shiloh Huffington interview (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
"I'm still planning to get some retribution. I got her a parting gift."
"Tickets to Wicked?"
"In Boston. Have fun watching some chubby Chenoweth knock-off warble her way through 'Popular.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E14)
"When I was alone in her office, I changed her auto-correct. Now when she types 'Wunch,' it gets replaced with 'butt.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E14)
"We call him 'Carlilingus.'" (Shameless, S05E03)
"Do we get paid on the holiday?"
"No. None of the holidays. Not the tree one, the president one, the war one, and definitely not the one for the blacks." (Shameless, S05E03)
"You date-raped me."
"We were on a date?"
"No, Debbie, you statutory raped yourself. I could go to jail."
"I don't understand."
"Friends don't rape friends." (Shameless, S05E03)
"You lost your virginity?"
"Does it count if it's rape?" (Shameless, S05E03)
"Listen, Debs, a million guys would kill to be raped by you." (Shameless, S05E03)
"I hope you die in a puddle of diarrhea." (Shameless, S05E03)
Writing off characters like it's the UK Shameless (Shameless, S05E03)
"Wait, you're paying this butt brain?"
"My butt does have brains. They're called 'turds' and they're smarter than you." (Bob's Burgers, S05E10)
"Was Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?" (Parks and Recreation, S07E05)
"The only contract I've ever signed is my Mulligan's sSteakhouse club card, and even then I used a fake name – Les. Les Vegetables." (Parks and Recreation, S07E05)
"Paul Reiser salmon." (Parks and Recreation, S07E06)
"Just about hit me, now you're gonna sling foul utterances in my direction?" (Justified, S06E02)
"How do you know I was with a guy if you ain't been following me?"
"I'm not following you."
"Are you saying you ain't following me like you don't know what I'm saying, or are you just repeating this bullshit about you ain't been following me?"
"I'm not following you?" (Justified, S06E02)
"You know what I was thinking about today? The Franklin sandwich at Denver Biscuit Company." (Justified, S06E02)
"Jocks, they peak in high school, all right, but nerds, they become Skrillex." (Workaholics, S05E03)
"Hov, hangin' with Mr. Cooper, Asian girl laughing." (Workaholics, S05E03)
"I love eating sashimi, but I would rather eat sashi-you." (Workaholics, S05E03)
"Half-black equals full black, and that's not my rule, that's society's rule. That's why Drake could say the N word a million times and everyone's like, 'I love this song.'" (Workaholics, S05E03)
"She's obviously valuing both of her Filipino and black heritage equally. So if anything, she's a full-bodied 'pino noir." (Workaholics, S05E03)
Frusen Glädjé (The Americans, S03E01)
Kama Sutra (The Americans, S03E01)
Jake "The Snake" Roberts singing "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E03)