Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


21. The End (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-20-15)

RT: Jesus Christ it's like watching a montage of your own life

RT: "Everlong" is the halfway point between "Diary" and "Clarity" and that probably explains why I think it's the best rock song of the 90's.


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "We had a Meg Ryan film festival and this place was disgusting afterwards." (Bob's Burgers, S05E20)
  • "Don Johnson it." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E23)
  • "Have fun on your honeymoon."
    "We will. We're going to Waco, Texas."
    "Waco, Texas?"
    "I don't know. It was just on Dateline." – timing! (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E23)
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C-
  • "Cut his throat, and then chop off his cock. We'll sell it for a fortune. A dwarf's cock has magic powers."
    "Wait! You can't just hand a dry cock to a merchant and expect him to pay for it. He has to know it came from a dwarf, and how could he know unless he sees the dwarf?"
    "It will be a dwarf-sized cock."
    "Guess again."
    "The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant." (Game of Thrones, S05E06)
  • Bob's Burgers Season Grade: C
  • Joan snorting cocaine (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • "I'm glad you're having fun."
    "Sorry, I already went to high school." (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • "Do you have any liquor? I've been drinking beer all night." (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • "Yell at me slower or in English." (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • RT: OH MY GOD BABY GENE IS THE SAME KID THAT PLAYS ABEL ON SOA (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • Naked Brett Gelman (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • Mad Men Season Grade: B
  • Cow tipping (Penny Dreadful, S02E03)


(Penny Dreadful, S02E03)

  • "How bad is this? Be honest. Is this Windows Vista bad? It's not iPhone 4 bad, is it? Fuck. Don't tell me this is Zune bad."
    "I'm sorry, Gavin. It's Apple Maps bad." (Silicon Valley, S02E06)
  • Every card on the 'Let Blaine Die' SWOT board (Silicon Valley, S02E06)
  • "You tore Double Asshole a third asshole." (Silicon Valley, S02E06)
  • "Well, great struggling to talk to you." (Veep, S04E06)
  • "A number of tall women were molested and Mr. Ryan was one of them." (Veep, S04E06)
  • "I CAN'T LIVE!!! …with or without you." (China, IL, S03E07)


"My dad says he's so bad, he should change his first name to Breaking." (China, IL, S03E07)


"Commentating with me tonight is the completely naked Zac Efron." (China, IL, S03E07)

  • "It's yours if you just jack this mountain off." (China, IL, S03E07)


(China, IL, S03E07)

  • "Why is that in your ear?"
    "Oh, uh, I'm raising awareness of Armenian-American stereotypes." (Community, S06E11)
  • "Did you do stand-up? Is that how you became a custodian?" (Community, S06E11)
  • Telepresence robot Phil – Community already did it (Modern Family, S06E24)
  • Modern Family Season Grade: D+
  • "Very Triple K." (Black-ish, S01E24)
  • "You stay light-skinned out there, boy." (Black-ish, S01E24)
  • "I'm thinking about starting this line of lingerie, Savoy Javoy." (Black-ish, S01E24)
  • Black-ish Season Grade: B
  • Tommy Roboto (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-20-15)
  • Buzz from Home Alone (Louie, S05E07)
  • All the airports are JFK/the JetBlue terminal at JFK (Louie, S05E07)


(Louie, S05E07)

  • Timely Hannah Montana parody (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
  • "Do you know? Do you know? I need a verbal 'yes.'"
    "What is this, the exit row on an airplane?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
  • "I came into money."
    "How?"
    "I murdered my parents."
    "How?"
    "Strangulation."
    "How?"
    "With the umbilical cord."
    "Wait. So as a baby you did it."
    "I came right out [whoosh] and I went [grunts]."
    "And you got them both in one?"
    "Yeah, I got them both, yeah."
    "Jesus."
    "But it was really romantic because they were able to die together cheek to cheek." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)


(Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)

  • RT: Paul got a bit interesting and then he's dead. (Orphan Black, S03E06)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


20. Adam Sandler's Musical Ode to David Letterman (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-12-15)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Less enemies for us."
    "Fewer."
    "What?"
    "Nothing." (Game of Thrones, S05E05)
  • Don reading The Godfather (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "He doesn't know you won't get treatment because you love the tragedy." (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "Sally, I always worried about you because you march to the beat of your own drum. But now I know that's good. I know your life will be an adventure." (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California." (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
  • "Do you think maybe you sweat from your urethra?" (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
  • "The British Museum holds the world's largest collection of historical pornography – aside from the Vatican, of course." (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
  • A doll of Vanessa? (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
  • "I want to take zucchini to the next level." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Dead kids. That never sounds good unless you're a stressed out single mom." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Chung is our answer to Montez. He can be our minority retort." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "It's like Christmas, except happy." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "I think I'd take a soy cap, and Richard?"
    "Uh, eggnog latte, if it's in season. Is it? No, it isn't." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Jonah here is the guy behind the guy, isn't that right?"
    "Oh, I'm the wheel greaser, I'm the puppet master… A man of many nicknames – poon slayer…when I'm online." (Veep, S04E05)


(Veep, S04E05)

  • "My advice? Tom James."
    "He has a disabled son, check, wounded serving his country, check, is the checklist complete? Yeah." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Hey, you know what? I got an idea. Why don't we ask Doyle back?"
    [pause] (Veep, S04E05)
  • "You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets – and maybe slavery!"(Veep, S04E05)
  • "What a cool guy. You shit ice cubes, you piss snowflakes." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Why is Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson at dinner?"
    "Well, baby, this is why I brought you here. See, I'm marrying The Rock. He's gonna be your new stepdad."
    "Baby Cakes, your mom is a great lover. She is the best at sucking The Rock off."
    "Fuck you, The Rock! You're not my dad!" (China, IL, S03E06)


(China, IL, S03E06)

  • Bates Motel Season Grade: C-
  • "Armed Forces Day, huh. Why would they put it in May? It's just sitting in Memorial Day's shadow like a military Hanukkah."
    "Fitting that both war holidays have to fight each other over the same month."
    "Notable that the one we remember is the one with the theme of memory." (Community, S06E10)
  • "Then Hillary bought me Dick Cheney's biography. It's awesome. I mean, the dude destroyed Iraq, got rich rebuilding it – hero! Then he shot a guy, and the guy apologized – pimp! That should be the name of his book – Dick Cheney: Hero Pimp!" (Black-ish, S01E23)


(Black-ish, S01E23)

  • "Salty and fatty. Thick as a pork chop. This is the Amber Rose of bacon." (Black-ish, S01E23)
  • "Just like your dad would be okay if one of you thought Kingdom Come was Jay Z's best album." (Black-ish, S01E23)
  • "I'll send everybody home."
    "No, you won't."
    "Yes, I will, Afghanistan."
    "What were you doing in there?"
    "None of your business, Tranquility."
    "Her name is Tranquilit-ay." (Louie, S05E06)
  • "Can you believe this comes out of a cow's pussy?"
    "You know it comes out of their tits, you know that, right?"
    "No. Milk comes out of the tits. Yogurt comes out of the pussy." (Louie, S05E06)
  • The Pen Is Mightier! (Celebrity Jeopardy!, 05-15-15)
  • Amazing Race spirit flags (The Amazing Race, S26E12)
  • A selfie memory challenge? (The Amazing Race, S26E12)
  • The Amazing Race Season Grade: D+
  • Shark Tank Season Grade: B-
  • "This isn't gonna be easy."
    "Why not? We can do this. I mean, remember when we took a stroll through the arboretum?"
    "That was a walk in the park." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • "She's all yours, Hector. Take care of her."
    "Clocking in Hector Taycarofher." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • "I got pretty good at masturbating at Princeton." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • ♫: Nicky Blitz – "Blast Off" (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • Still handcuffed to George Clooney! (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-15-15)
  • "If something is true, it is not sentimental." (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-15-15)
  • "China has banned its soldiers from wearing the new Apple Watch over concerns of cyber security. Said one Chinese soldier: 'But my daughter made it for me.'" (Saturday Night Live, S40E21)
  • Saturday Night Live Season Grade: C-

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


19. The Guy From Jeff's Gym (Community, S06E09)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "She does her BM in the PM." (Bob's Burgers, S05E18)
  • "Please limit your alerts to Roy G. Biv." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • "I can't make a woman's choice for her. I stand with Wendy! Did I do that right?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • "Terry loves lavender." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E21)
  • Lancel engraving his forehead (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
  • "You know nothing, Jon Snow." (Game of Thrones, S05E04)
  • "Carol's a real special lady."
    "Hey. You're a real special lady." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
  • "You are a toilet paper corn dog." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E13)
  • The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: B-
  • "Miller Beer is coming in tomorrow for handshakes on their new idea – diet beer."
    "For ladies?" (Mad Men, S07E12)


"It's an octopus pleasuring a lady." (Mad Men, S07E12)


(Mad Men, S07E12)

  • "I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of Fage yogurt by me. Look at this. The angle's all wrong."
    "Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt?"
    "How would you know that? Have you been eating my Fage yogurts?" (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
  • "I've disrupted fatherhood." (Silicon Valley, S02E04)
  • Abu Nazir! (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Man up, Gary, or at least lady down a bit." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Why in the name of pixelated fuck would you do that?" (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Fine. Inject him with the happy cupcake virus." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "Dead kids baked in the cupcakes." (Veep, S04E04)
  • "We're engaged."
    "No, you're not."
    "Yes, we are."
    "I'm 48!" (Veep, S04E04)
  • "I heard that she's supposed to have the worst of the STDs."
    "No way. A baby?" (China, IL, S03E05)
  • "Dude, get your molesterol checked." (China, IL, S03E05)
  • "A knife is a good friend when you have no other." (Gotham, S01E22)
  • Gotham Season Grade: D+
  • ♫: The Head and the Heart – "Rivers and Roads" (New Girl, S04E22)
  • New Girl Season Grade: D
  • "Do Irish tears not sparkle?" (Modern Family, S06E22)
  • "I'm sorry if they don't talk that way in Lightskinsylvania." (Black-ish, S01E22)
  • "I was a LUG – lesbian until graduation." (Black-ish, S01E22)
  • "Crazy Glazy." (Louie, S05E05)


(Louie, S05E05)

  • ♫: "Diarrhea Song" (Louie, S05E05)
  • "Attention, staff. Bob Odenkirk played a lawyer on Breaking Bad. That is Saul." (Childrens Hospital, S06E08)
  • Jimmy/Steve! (Orphan Black, S03E04)
  • Home video of Kenan = D2: The Mighty Ducks (Saturday Night Live, S40E20)
  • "If you want to fight Floyd Mayweather more than once, you have to date him." (Saturday Night Live, S40E20)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


18. Black Widow: Age of Me (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • Gene Belcher – "I Don't Need Music" (Bob's Burgers, S05E17)
  • Holt's multi-step reaction to the pregnancy news (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E20)
  • "Jake, I get it. Philly sucks." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E20)
  • "Greenwich, Connecticut is built on divorced money!" (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • Lou working for Tatsunoko (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • "You should know that his clan took advantage of the gift of hospitality and murdered my ancestors while they slept."
    "The king ordered it!" (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • Limp Bizkit – "Nookie" (Silicon Valley, S02E03)
  • Russ Hanneman = Mark Cuban? (Silicon Valley, S02E03)
  • "Fuck the light show?!" (Veep, S04E03)
  • "Screwed over by The Police. I'm Rodney fuckin' King." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "#everylittlethingshedoesistragic." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "I see splashes of myself in her. I now regret that phrase." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "Ma'am, cheese is on its way. Here's an interim banana." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "You were firing me?" (Veep, S04E03)


(China, IL, S03E04)

  • "And then I turned around, and like a vampire, I shot into space so goddamn fast. It's like a motherfuckin' piece of god sperm waiting to hit a rock and start life." (China, IL, S03E04)
  • "The night we met, I was going to kill you." (Gotham, S01E21)
  • Brothel broth-lol (Gotham, S01E21)
  • Randall Park (Community, S06E08)
  • "I like my sun on the right and my ocean on the left." (New Girl, S04E21)
  • "You need to learn how to stand up for yourself."
    "Do you know how easy that it is for you to say?"
    "No, no, nothing in English is easy for me to say." (Modern Family, S06E21)
  • "Loosey-goosey parenting like that is what made things like James Franco." (Black-ish, S01E21)
  • Sinbad as Neil deGrasse Tyson (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E15)
  • Pound Sign Battle (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E15)
  • Constance Wu (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)
  • "I just farted some coffee." (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)


(Childrens Hospital, S06E07)

  • Weird Al (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)
  • "We should have been drug dealers years ago." (Orphan Black, S03E03)
  • "In the field, there are only two types of prisoners: assets and liabilities. Be an asset, Willard." (Orphan Black, S03E03)
  • RT: With Aidy Bryant as Manny Pacquiao and Jay Pharoah as Manny Machado, "SNL" was determined to show its diversity is a work-in-progress. (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)
  • Wiz Khalifa is hella skinny (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)
  • "It was reported that students in a school district in Tennessee were served meat that was six years old, which raises the question, 'Where's Tyler?'" (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


17. Football Town Nights (Inside Amy Schumer, S03E01)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Cersei has offered a lordship to the man who brings her your head."
    "She ought to offer her cunt. Best part of her for the best part of me." (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
  • RT: Darkly amusing edit, from Tyrion in Essos wondering if Cersei will kill all the dwarves in the world, to a decapitated dwarf head being presented to the queen mother. (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
  • "Oh, farts." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "You were my shade! And my pants!" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "Was your mother Jessica Tandy?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "Don't listen to Jane Fonda here." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "You don't have any character; you're just handsome." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "I don't want to be rigid. It makes you old." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "The girl I'm fucking was in the Olympics." (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "You know what they say: 'bros disclose.'" (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "Get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and then I'll go find some hos to prioritize behind you."
    "Are you trying to say 'bros before hos'? (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • The Rose and Crown (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • Mariachi band cliffhanger (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "Also: hair. Ask Marianne about electrolysis." (Veep, S04E02)


(Veep, S04E02)

  • "I just wanted to say a friendly 'hello' in an unfriendly way. Hello." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Catherine, America doesn't like you. It's not that you are unlikable; it's that there's a perception that you are unlikable." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are military service or childbirth." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Is it pronounced 'Sharlize' or 'Charlize'?"
    "Pretty sure it's 'Sharlize.'"
    "Are you sure? Why?"
    "I don't know, man. She's from Africa. That's just how they say 'C-H' in Africa."
    "So that one African country is called 'Shad'?" (China, IL, S03E03)
  • Pony putting a band-aid on her open fracture (China, IL, S03E03)
  • "Can't a woman get in a freakin' mood for one night without the whole world coming to an end?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)
  • "How much this run pay?"
    "After FICA and Social Security?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)
  • "I've e-mailed every former student who's not in prison – or jail. Everyone remember there's a difference."
    "What's the difference?"
    "You go to jail if a cop doesn't like you. They can't send you to prison without knowing you're poor." (Community, S06E07)
  • "Eat your feet!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • The Chinese school teacher (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • "Brian?"
    "Topanga?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: B-
  • "I wonder what that's like, somebody constantly questioning your blackness, just because you misquoted the lyrics to 'Ain't No Fun.'"
    "Why would Nate Dogg sing 'and you even lit my halls'?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
  • "People have been hounding me to watch an O.J. movie?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
  • "They only have my body." (The Americans, S03E13)
  • Suicide note on a Commodore 64 (The Americans, S03E13)
  • RT: Sandra: Let's agree to tell each other everything!
    Philip:  :| (The Americans, S03E13)
  • Paige! (The Americans, S03E13)
  • The Americans Season Grade: B+
  • "There are more bicycles in the Netherlands than people." (The Amazing Race, S26E09)
  • Vince Gilligan, Tom Green, and Lil Jon (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E14)
  • "Would you have a meal of chicken tikka masala with me?"
    "That is a typical food of India, which, of course, is where we both are right now." (Childrens Hospital, S06E06)
  • "This erection's for you, Barb." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E01)
  • "The Motel." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E05)
  • "Mow-Em-$ayin." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E06)


(Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)

  • "Neapolitan Charlie." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
  • Bubbles quoting "Beat It" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
  • "Private Dancer, lower your weapon!" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
  • Bubbles parodying "Tiny Dancer" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
  • Sam wants Swiss Chalet (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
  • Jacob's "Life Without Horses? …I Don't Think So!" shirt (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
  • Trailer Park Boys Season Grade: C-

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

14. Partners (Justified, S06E11)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations


Bandages, bandages, bandages (The Walking Dead, S05E16)

  • "I could kill you right now." (The Walking Dead, S05E16)
  • Is Rick Grimes gonna have to choke a zombie? (The Walking Dead, S05E16)
  • The Walking Dead Season Grade: C
  • Burst pipe rain (Shameless, S05E11)


(Shameless, S05E11)

  • "You got a hacksaw? Don't worry about it. It gets too messy." (Shameless, S05E11)
  • "Can we talk?"
    "Do you mind if I change into something that's got a little less poo in it?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E07)


(Bates Motel, S03E04)

  • Norma cruises a coffee shop for a hacker, asks the Asian dude (Bates Motel, S03E04)
  • The immovable overturned announce table (WWE Raw, 03-30-15)
  • "Can't you just stall by doing what real IT people do?"
    "What's that?"
    "Exactly." (Community, S06E04)
  • "Wow, need time to fix it. You sound just like you work in IT." (Community, S06E04)
  • "I make gayness look like Mormonism." (Community, S06E04)
  • "My first love was Dolly Parton. What a butt." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E10)
  • "Boys, show Oscar to the guest bathroom."
    "We have a guest bathroom?"
    [whispering] "The bathroom." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E10)
  • YTMND: "At the airPORT?!?!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E10)
  • "I didn't want to crush his family. That's why I'm at the memorial."
    "Not because it was the right thing to do?"
    "No, no. I mean, we never even went skiing." (New Girl, S04E19)
  • "Check my balls right now. Be purple they so blue." (Justified, S06E11)
  • "I don't even miss it anymore. It's like Circuit City." (Modern Family, S06E19)
  • "I thought you could help me, because…"
    "Because you're not good with words."
    "Well, I'm a doctor. I can't admit I'm not good at something." (Modern Family, S06E19)
  • Maury (Black-ish, S01E18)
  • "If it's a boy, I'm thinking 'Gimli.' If it's a girl…Gimli still works!" (Black-ish, S01E18)
  • How to get her to pee on a stick without knowing (Black-ish, S01E18)
  • "Don't drink the floor smoothie." (Workaholics, S05E12)
  • "I put peyote in the smoothies."
    "Peyote at work?"
    "As Joseph Rogan said, he took peyote before an MMA class and he said it was the bomb diggity."
    "Do NOT make up Joe Rogan quotes! That is NOT okay!"
    "Why did you Joe Rogan us? Why couldn't you just Seth Rogen us? We could've just smoked a bunch of weed." (Workaholics, S05E12)
  • RT: Henry really should be the second generation illegal. That porn stash is better concealed than some dead drops they've used. (The Americans, S03E10)
  • "That's not football; that's dots." (The Americans, S03E10)
  • Henry cluelessly nattering on about "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" (The Americans, S03E10)
  • Philip sharpening a knife while Paige eyes Stan (The Americans, S03E10)
  • "She seems like a normal baby weight."
    "Oh yes, and everyone deserves a trophy just for showing up and everyone's Kickstarter has merit." (Archer, S06E13)
  • "The sub is too small to track with our current technology."
    "Maybe the CIA should do a Kickstarter." (Archer, S06E13)
  • Archer Season Grade: D+
  • Troy Season Grade: C+
  • RT: Reality show rules:
    -Survivor? Know how to make fire
    -Amazing Race? Drive stick shift
    -Hell's Kitchen? Make scallops & risotto (The Amazing Race, S26E05)
  • "You were in the movie The Dark Knight Rises, where you played Commissioner Gordon-Levitt." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
  • "I didn't realize this movie meant that much to you."
    "It sort of launched my career in a lot of ways. I changed agents and everything afterwards." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
  • "Which outfit do you prefer for our big date tonight: This slinky red dress or this Battletoads costume?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
  • "Diane, wait, stop! If you step on that plane, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life."
    "Scott, you're too late. I'm stepping on this plane and I'm moving on with my life." – Chekhov's model airplane (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
  • "Kirk Cameron. Alan Thicke calling here. I'm doing an ad in Siberia for horse bacon, and they're wondering if maybe we could get the whole cast of Growing Pains here. What do you think? Horse bacon, yeah. Hey, hey, hey. All of the proceeds will go to Christian ministries. And, uhh, all of the horses they slaughtered are gay. Heathen gay horses, yeah. (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E07)
  • "Satan's Dick Ring." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E07)
  • The Jack and Triumph Show Season Grade: C+
  • Pheasant calls (Childrens Hospital, S06E02)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

13. She picked a bad time (The Americans, S03E09)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • ♫: Nine Inch Nails – "Somewhat Damaged" (The Walking Dead, S05E15)
  • Running to The Fragile? (The Walking Dead, S05E15)
  • ♫: Elijah and the Moon – "Map and Compass" (Shameless, S05E10)
  • "I have to scrub my junk at the Citgo." (Shameless, S05E10)
  • "Cockblocking Laura Bush." (Shameless, S05E10)
  • "'Ignite the spank'?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E05)
  • "Hey. I'm Todd." [mariachi music] (The Last Man on Earth, S01E05)
  • "That orgasm was generously provided by Phil Miller." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E06)
  • "Some freakin' fat dude named Todd." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E06)
  • "Big Shankhead here." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E06)
  • "What's your favourite part of Shawshank, Phil?"
    "Uhhh… You know, so many parts, so many parts to choose from and to pick from. Uhh, probably, you know, the part where the Shawshank is redeemed." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E06)
  • "It's hard to trust fats." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E06)
  • ♫: Graham Nash – "Simple Man" (Looking, S02E10)
  • Looking Season Grade: B-


Like father, like daughter (WWE Raw, 03-23-15)

  • Going home with a tug of war? (WWE Raw, 03-23-15)
  • The recurring "James McGill" phone answer gag (Better Call Saul, S01E08)
  • Recycle bin reveal (Better Call Saul, S01E08)
  • ♫: Handsome Boy Modeling School – "The Truth" (Better Call Saul, S01E08)
  • "Those guys, they're nothing. They're the Pistons, and you're the Bulls." (Better Call Saul, S01E08)
  • "Hope is pouting in advance. Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister. Hope is the deformed, attic-bound, incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear." (Community, S06E03)

"Some things are silly and evil, like candy cigarettes. And remember when Flavor Flav had that reality show?"
"I don't own a TV."

(Community, S06E03)

  • ♫: Pharcyde – "Passin' Me By" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E09)
  • "Maybe she was out of my league, but look at Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri. If that ashy little nugget could get it, so could I." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E09)
  • "R.I.P. B. Lee." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E09)
  • "I like quitters even less than losers. It goes like this: Quitters, losers, cats, Kleenex, Martin Sheen, redheads, croissants, buttons…" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E09)


(Face Off, S08E11)

  • "Mr. and Mrs. Ofay." (Justified, S06E10)
  • Ava! (Justified, S06E10)
  • "But you called me 'Banjovi.'" (Modern Family, S06E18)
  • "It's a shock, like when we first got high-def TV and I realized Ed Bradley had an earring." (Modern Family, S06E18)
  • "If you're gonna keep playing basketball, I think you really need to play a less intense game, maybe with more Colins and Ethans and less Maliks and Jamals." (Black-ish, S01E17)
  • "In cool, black 40 is the white 25." (Black-ish, S01E17)
  • "In health, black 40 is the white 75." (Black-ish, S01E17)
  • "Yo, [Jermaine Dupri], what's up, man? It's Dre."
    "Yo, Dre, what's up? I sold, like, 250 million records."
    "I need a favour, brother."
    "Man, anything for you. I discovered Bow Wow." (Black-ish, S01E17)
  • JD: "Happy birthday, Dre. You know I danced with Whodini, right? And I'm vegan. Like, no meat. Completely off the dairy." (Black-ish, S01E17)
  • "You are a great man, Mr. Dick Blownoff." (Workaholics, S05E11)
  • "We do improv comedy. It's kinda like Whose Line. A lot of 'yes, and…'"
    "Yes, and…what the hell's Whose Line?"
    "Oh. It's like Wild 'n Out."
    "Okay, well, here's a tip: lead with that. You know, just drop 'Affion Crockett' and people will be with you. Have we seen you in anything?"
    "I've been in some commercials."
    "Ohhh, he's the Captain Obvious guy."
    "That's not me."
    "I know who he is. Dude, you're one of the two Sonic guys! We watch you all the time!"
    "I'm not, that's not me."
    "I thought you were in commercials, man. What the heck? Do you even know Flo?" (Workaholics, S05E11)
  • "I'm a serious actor. I trained under THE Jim Rash." (Workaholics, S05E11)
  • "Okay, FUCK Jim Rash." (Workaholics, S05E11)
  • "TV's Michael Gray." (Archer, S06E12)
  • Morton! (Fortitude, S01E10)
  • "Man, this some bullshit."
    "Don't even sweat it, mate. We'll get these fools on Frasier trivia night. The whole world know I fuck with Niles!" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E10)
  • "He [Jaleel White] orders Thai food delivery every single night."
    "But why Thai food?"
    "Because Thai food ain't got no cheese." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E10)
  • "Jaleel White's mind is so beautiful." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E10)
  • Fat Joey Fatone doing his "Bye Bye Bye" back-up vocals and dance moves (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E06)
  • "How much resentment do you have towards Moe Howard for constantly poking you in the eyes?" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E06)
  • The Dell dude (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E06)
  • Erinn Hayes' Aaron Neville (Childrens Hospital, S06E02)
  • "Let me tell you something about this guy: He has herpes!" (Saturday Night Live, S40E16)
  • "Cartwheel up to me!" (Saturday Night Live, S40E16)

#clipoftheweek


Looking forward:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

12. Virtual Insanity (Community, S06E02)


Honourable Mention

  • Modem Noises (Bob's Burgers, S05E15)
  • The Second Interview (The Jinx, S01E06)
  • Rusev's Attorney (WWE Raw, 03-16-15)
  • Norma rages against a highway sign (Bates Motel, S03E02)
  • Catfight (Empire, S01E12)
  • Necklacing (The Americans, S03E08)

Stray Observations

  • The Jinx Season Grade: A-
  • "Wait. I have a theory. I think limousine and magazine come from the same word." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E19)
  • "You called us useless. You called us incompetent. You called us zeroes in the sack."
    "Never happened."
    "Well, someone said it to me last night. Must have been my wife." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E19)
  • "Mother dick." (The Walking Dead, S05E14)
  • Will every black male character die this season? (The Walking Dead, S05E14)
  • Ric Flair, Peter Rosenberg, and Ariel Helwani as talking heads? (30 for 30: I Hate Christian Laettner)
  • "It was just a little love tap on his chest." (30 for 30: I Hate Christian Laettner)
  • "Time for you girls to move on now. You've had your five minutes with Christian Laettner." (30 for 30: I Hate Christian Laettner)
  • "Rape walker." (Shameless, S05E09)
  • "Do you know how to jerk a guard off?" (Shameless, S05E09)
  • "When did your heart get as black as your skin?" (Shameless, S05E09)
  • "Every day is an opportunity you don't get back, so don't blow it working." (Shameless, S05E09)
  • "I don't want to fraternize; I want to fuck you." (Shameless, S05E09)
  • "So who is Melissa Shart?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E04)
  • "You, Melissa, are a catch. Like a Moby Dick-sized catch."
    "Moby Dick? Try Moby Double Dick." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E04)
  • $19,600 bid on the first sabotage in the first round (Cutthroat Kitchen, S07E05)
  • "A deal. I hate that terminology. A deal is what they got O.J." (Better Call Saul, S01E07)
  • "Unhinged women seem drawn to you." (Bates Motel, S03E02)
  • Norma and Romero's awkward hug (Bates Motel, S03E02)


(WWE Raw, 03-16-15)

  • Restaurant Startup Season Grade: B+
  • "Vaporizers? Skittles?" (Community, S06E01)
  • "Welcome to Ladder!" (Community, S06E01)
  • YTMND: Portuguese Gremlins (Community, S06E02)
  • "My friends, they all think my parents are adorable, and they think I'm the bad guy for hating them. But I have a right to hate them, 'cause I had to be there when they sucked."
    "Yeah. Jimmy Fallon Syndrome. I get it." (Community, S06E02)
  • "You use your inside voice when you talk to Becky." (Empire, S01E11)
  • "I ain't got nothing to do with that." (Empire, S01E11)
  • "At least you walk like a man." (Empire, S01E11)
  • "Whoop the trick" – heh (Empire, S01E11)
  • "I'll send a prayer down to you in a flame-proof jar." (Empire, S01E11)


(Empire, S01E11)

  • RT: Jamal gon have a dildo in it (Empire, S01E12)
  • RT: A LITERAL SCEPTER (Empire, S01E12)
  • RT: Show me the scene where Lucious searched for "small gift pillow" on Amazon. (Empire, S01E12)
  • "What type of black girl named Becky?"
    "Oh, my mom's white." — Black-ish already did it (Empire, S01E12)
  • Charles Hamilton! (Empire, S01E12)
  • BLACK RAMBO (Empire, S01E12)
  • Singing at a rap battle (Empire, S01E12)
  • "Chile, I don't want no chicken." (Empire, S01E12)
  • RT: she came to sing gospel. she's on stage with juicy j. (Empire, S01E12)
  • Empire Season Grade: B
  • "Cults are great for attracting new age tail." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E10)
  • "Make 'em eat a shit sandwich."
    "What is it with you and the shit sandwich?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E10)
  • ♫: "Time Hole" and "Alethia," off the soundtrack to Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E10)
  • It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season Grade: C+
  • "Do you think other people here resent you…for being 'new'?" (The Americans, S03E08)
  • Gaad rages against the mail robot (The Americans, S03E08)
  • Man Seeking Woman Season Grade: C+
  • "Goat, swear to Christ, I'll have your hide as boots and the rest of you as a curry." (Archer, S06E11)
  • "Also, I have two Michelin tires." (Archer, S06E11)
  • "Do you realize whose ass you're talking about? This is Mr. Paul Sorvino."
    "Please. The last hit Paul Sorvino had was off his insulin pump." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E05)
  • "How you doing, buddy?"
    "Not good, man. I work in a fart room." (Childrens Hospital, S06E01)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

11. Glow Stick Magic Trick (Troy, S02E01)


Honourable Mention

  • Air Max 1 Prediction Trick (Troy, S02E01)
  • Forget (The Walking Dead, S05E13)
  • Sex Scene (The Last Man on Earth, S01E03)
  • Religious Cult Mass Murder Scenario (Vice, S03E02)

Stray Observations

  • "Face it. I'm not heroic like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies. I'm not even Tom Arnold in True Lies!" (Bob's Burgers, S05E14)
  • Robert Durst at Starbucks (The Jinx, S01E05)
  • "Well, you're not successful." (The Jinx, S01E05)
  • "The sarge and I are really into puzzles. Remember when I took that sudoku cruise?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)


(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)

  • "Scully, tell them we're cops. Tell them!"
    "Nous sommes navets! Nous sommes navets! Shhhhhhhoot. That means turnips. I said we were turnips. I got it, don't worry. WE ARE TURNIPS! Nope, that was English." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E18)
  • "Don't shoot, I'm white!" (Shameless, S05E08)
  • "I'm the kind of gal who tries to make the best of things, and since meatballs will never ever exist again, I said, 'Carol, get your hands up, grab some raisins, and you smash them into a ball, girl.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E03)
  • "After doing the nasty, I need to have some beans." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E03)
  • ♫: James Blake – "The Wilhelm Scream" (Togetherness, S01E08)
  • Togetherness Season Grade: C-
  • RT: Sooo both The Americans and Looking have used Yaz's "Only You" to close out episodes this season. (Looking, S02E08)


WWE's Definitive Guide To White People Dancing To Wiz Khalifa (WWE Raw, 3-9-15)

  • Mike Corleone (Better Call Saul, S01E06)
  • Norman spooning Norma (Bates Motel, S03E01)
  • "Move over, you silly woman." (Bates Motel, S03E01)
  • "Yes, mom, they're rappers, but they're white rappers. White." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • [Wu-Tang Clan] "But they're sort of Asian." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • [Dr. Dre] "But he's a doctor." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • "That's called being a G, mom."
    "Why do you want to be a letter that's only worth two points in Scrabble?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper?"
    "Can't watch TV on Fridays because of Shabbat. Hangin' with God." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • "Shabbat is the Jewish day of rest. We're prohibited from doing certain things from Friday night to Saturday night – turning electrical devices like the stove on and off, handling money, putting flowers in water."
    "It kind of sounds like you're Gremlins." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • Imitation "Sabotage" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • Did the Beastie Boys refuse to license their music? (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • Evidently, the show could only afford to license one Beastie Boys song (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • ♫: Beastie Boys – "Root Down" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E08)
  • "He loves guac!" (Justified, S06E08)
  • "You trying to manipulate me, Mr. Walker? 'Cause I'm long past the point of needing my ego stroked."
    "Let's just say I don't see you pulling thrill-seeker hold-ups with a 'born to lose' tattoo on your chest." – Heat reference (Justified, S06E08)
  • "Don't eulogize the past 'til the future gets its turn." (Justified, S06E08)
  • "This is some bullshit. You shot me in the back."
    "You wanted to get hit in the front, you should've run toward me." (Justified, S06E08)
  • "The past is a statement. The future is a question."
    "The past and the future are a fight to the death." (Justified, S06E08)
  • Framework Season Grade: D
  • Hakeem sampling "Tom's Diner" (Empire, S01E10)
  • RT: LUCIOUS GOT THE MONTGOMERY C. BURNS OFFICE WITH A BUTTON TO LOCK THE DOOR!!! (Empire, S01E10)
  • "I got a piping hot Grilled Frank for you, okay? I got the sausage, the SPAM, the bacon, I got it wrapped in a jelly pancake and cooked with a stick of butter." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)
  • "Your mother's a giant whore."
    "Right…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)
  • "Your head of security just choked himself out." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)


(It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E09)

  • "I got a dart hanging out of my face."
    "Yes, you do. But look at it this way: We just saved you a trip to Claire's." (Workaholics, S05E09)
  • "Get a lap dance on a Gravitron." (Workaholics, S05E09)
  • "You guys Jamie Kennedy Experiment-ed me." (Workaholics, S05E09)
  • ♫: Riff Raff – "Tip Toe Wing in My Jawwdinz" (Workaholics, S05E09)
  • ♫: Fleetwood Mac – "The Chain" (The Americans, S03E07)
  • "The solution to every problem isn't throwing frickin' acid on it."
    "Unless the problem is a solution with an overly alkaline pH balance." (Archer, S06E10)
  • "I don't want to sound greedy, but a threesome and then a break-up? Or a foursome and I'm the pizza guy?" (Archer, S06E10)
  • "She's not gigantic. I mean, she's tall, but a lot of that's the boots and the hair, and those hands aren't doing her any favours, human-size-wise."
    "She's basically Groot." (Archer, S06E10)
  • "Lazy lazy fatty fatty gaijin." (Archer, S06E10)
  • "Why is there a vagina in the sink?" (Archer, S06E10)
  • Portlandia Season Grade: C-
  • Wizard Wars Season Grade: D+
  • "Kenan and Kale." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E08)
  • YTMND: Danny Brown's "mortal kombat!" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E09)
  • ♫: Danny Brown – "Smokin and Drinkin" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E09)
  • Cat cafe detour (The Amazing Race, S26E04)
  • YTMND: "Toasty !!" (King of the Nerds, S03E08)
  • Tekken Tag Tournament 2 ? (King of the Nerds, S03E08)
  • Lily's golf announcing (King of the Nerds, S03E08)
  • King of the Nerds Season Grade: B
  • "I am the most excited about the sport of gloving." (Shark Tank, S06E22)
  • "We've doubled our sales month over month over the past quarter."
    "From pee pee to pee pee."
    "But you know what? We don't spend money to get that pee pee." (Shark Tank, S06E22)
  • Banshee Season Grade: B+
  • Tears For Fears! (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E10)
  • "Of course I'll do an *NSYNC reunion. Finally, the band's getting back together."
    "Uhh, calm down, Joey. The only band in your future is a lap band." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
  • "It is the worst thing to happen to Apple since we ran out of cats to name operating systems after." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
  • "Hey, look at that. It's Khloe Kardashian's maxi pad. Hey, look at that. Looks like Hilary Swank lost a tooth." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
  • "I'm as soft as Kevin Spacey with a guy his own age." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
  • "You did it. You actually broke an Apple product without resorting to holding it, plugging it in, or using it as directed." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)
  • "Soon enough, this version of Siri will just be a distant, horrible, yet oddly fond memory."
    "Yes, just like Jay Leno." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E04)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


10. Girlfriend University (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Oh, God. She can't just stop by, can she? Why don't we have a panic room?" (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
  • "No. I'll tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna do something you hate. Let me see. What do you hate?"
    "Nachos?" (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
  • "If you like her ankles, you should see her shins." (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)


Cat dragons (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)

  • "Bobdor." (Bob's Burgers, S05E13)
  • "I had to get this corpse out of my apartment, period." (The Jinx, S01E04)
  • "ANYWAY, I went and bought a bow saw." (The Jinx, S01E04)
  • "I did not kill my best friend. I did dismember him." (The Jinx, S01E04)
  • "I feel like James Bond, and you are my mysterious femme fatale that I've been partnered with, Maxi…Pads." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • "The smoke machine is not working."
    "I could crouch by the altar and vape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • "You sound like Gollum."
    "That means nothing to me. I don't see those movies. I'm too pretty." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • "Love. It sustains you. It's like…oatmeal." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E17)
  • Cut Carl's hair too, stylist! (The Walking Dead, S05E12)
  • RT: Did you recognize the new girl? It's Katelyn Nacon from "Too Many Cooks" (The Walking Dead, S05E12)
  • "I'm sick of having to change who I am, or wait 'til I'm older, or rape someone into being with me." (Shameless, S05E07)
  • Patrick crying at the funeral (Looking, S02E07)
  • "Chinese hello?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E01)
  • "Out for what do you need that gun?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E01)
  • "So this is my toilet pool. And here's my garbage pool, and this is my margarita pool."
    "You swim in that?"
    "I swim in it, I drink out of it. There's really no wrong way to use a margarita pool." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)
  • "They are mas-TUR-batory magazines." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)
  • "You stole my to-mah-toes, and you left poop in my garden." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E02)


(Fresh Off the Boat, S01E07)

  • "You ladies need to be very careful. A blow-out can give a woman too much confidence, make them take on things that they can't handle, Hillary Clinton." (New Girl, S04E18)
  • "You're afraid of her because she plays the standing-up guitar?" (New Girl, S04E18)
  • "But wait, I'm a gay wolf too / Would you like to eat some wolf Chinese food?" (New Girl, S04E18)
  • "I would say he looks a little too much like Wallace Shawn for my taste." (Justified, S06E07)
  • "Why aren't you on the manhunt?"
    "Oh, I myself was given 24 hours to decompress. Look what you started, Norma Rae." (Justified, S06E07)
  • Phil's wardrobe malfunctions (Modern Family, S06E17)
  • "Dad, we got this. Chicken scored some C-4. We gon' blow Creedmoor to the ground." (Empire, S01E09)
  • The fantasy-sports-esque screens (Empire, S01E09)
  • "Take these cookies." (Empire, S01E09)
  • "You choosing me to take over Empire since you love me?"
    "You know I haven't decided which one of my sons…"
    "Piece of business advice from that Wharton education you paid so handsomely for: you pick the one who knows you're a murderer." (Empire, S01E09)
  • "Oh, I'll be damned if I'm gonna eat that."
    "It's bulgur kernels. Not everything has to be fried."
    "It's kernels of bulgur. The least you could do is fry the hell out of it." (Black-ish, S01E16)
  • "Don't be acting like there's not a glass ceiling for women with apostrophes in their name." (Black-ish, S01E16)
  • "He eats bulgur for your daughter." (Black-ish, S01E16)
  • Couldn't afford a Pink Floyd song, heh (The Americans, S03E06)
  • "I call this one 'Cowboys and Indians,' 'cause it's white and red." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
  • "Mall Blart Paul cop." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
  • "You'll get your dick wet in Heaven." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
  • "Yo soy Nutella." (Conan, 03-04-15)
  • Rum in a box (Conan, 03-04-15)
  • "Bathroom!"
    "Please, your majesty. I cannot wait."
    "I told you idiots that wasn't the real Famous Ray's." (Archer, S06E09)
  • "Damn, Gina!" (Archer, S06E09)
  • "Oh my God. If anybody's jealous, it's you, hang on, shut up, I have something for this…Lana Cougar Mellencamp." (Archer, S06E09)
  • "Ugly Kid Joe?" (Portlandia, S05E09)
  • "Ladyboy show cabaret." (The Amazing Race, S26E03)
  • "100 best sci-fi and fantasy films according to Rotten Tomatoes."
    "Event Horizon." (King of the Nerds, S03E07)
  • June calling Tay Zonday "Unfamous Amos" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E03)
  • "Nice house. Before buying it, how big a deposit did you have to take in the face?" (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E03)
  • "Cody Pepperoni." (Saturday Night Live, S40E15)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

9. What Is Escrow? (Portlandia, S05E08)


Honourable Mention

  • 10-foot-tall Ralph Macchio (New Girl, S04E17)
  • Microhouse (Portlandia, S05E08)
  • Mr. Riot Films (Saturday Night Live, S40E14)

Stray Observations

  • "Maybe you're the only one that can help her and I just lose."
    "I am the only one who can help her, because I have apple sauce, and we all win."
    […]
    "I hate apple sauce. My mom used to make me eat foods I didn't like to make me more manly – salmon patties, apple sauce, and onions. She was a very confused woman who tried her damnedest." (The Walking Dead, S05E11)
  • "What are you supposed to be?"
    "I'm Gordon Freeman."
    "And he's like, what, a mailman from the future?"
    "No! He's one of the most popular video game characters of all time. He revolutionized first-person shooter games because you so rarely saw or heard him, you could better imagine yourself in the game."
    "Wait, so your idea of a fun gay is a character with so little personality, he's basically nothing." (Looking, S02E06)
  • "Hey, you're a social media guy, right?"
    "Yeah yeah yeah. I have 3300 Tumblr followers."
    "Isn't that just for porn?"
    "No. What? Well, it's not… It's not not for porn." (Looking, S02E06)
  • "I love your Mega Man costume." (Looking, S02E06)
  • Music: Jungle – "Drops" (Looking, S02E06)
  • Jennifer Hudson singing a song from Smash (The 87th Academy Awards)
  • "You know the difference between us? I don't see the nobility in this job. I see a loaded, lopsided game, full of people justifying their cynicism as a higher calling. It's street fighting in wigs, that's all." (Broadchurch, S02E08)
  • Broadchurch Season Grade: C
  • RT: "Why would gouging out one eye stop their plans?" (Gotham, S01E17)
  • "Smoke on the Water [Butthole Version]" (Better Call Saul, S01E04)
  • "My dad was about to stumble into the biggest restaurant craze of the mid-90s."
    "Fajitas! Orlando can't get enough utility-grade skirt steak delivered in a sizzling skillet."
    "No way. No way white people will eat meat out of a pan."
    "Yes way. Yes way all day. You bring them tortillas, veggies, and steak, and they assemble it themselves. It's like an edible IKEA chair."
    "Or Legos you can eat." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
  • "Why do they put the classifieds so close to the comics? I keep getting distracted by the misfortunes of Cathy. None of those swimsuits are right, Cathy. None of them." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
  • "Come on. Let's celebrate. Hey boys, go ahead. Crank up the AC to low." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
  • RT: "The 9 to 5 videogame was developed but never released (by 20th C Fox Games)" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
  • "I need to walk out of the MasterChef Junior kitchen with that trophy more than I need to do anything else in my life." (MasterChef Junior, S03E08)
  • MasterChef Junior Season Grade: D


(New Girl, S04E17)

  • "Ugh. I feel like Brenda when Kelly dated Dylan…or the other way around."
    "Now I know those are the characters from the original 90210, but that's about my ceiling. Dylan… Was his nickname the Peach Pit? Because I remember… I remember that being a whole thing."
    "I'm sorry. I'm a little wound up."
    "You should be wound up, because the Peach Pit used to be yours, but now Brenda want a slice. Everybody trying to get a slice of that Peach Pit." (New Girl, S04E17)
  • "How many men you think we've killed? Between the three us, you figure we've got…a hundred?"
    "That sniper guy said he got 255 all by his lonesome. But, you know, take that with a grain of salt, since he was a Seal." (Justified, S06E06)
  • "How come he had your card on him?"
    "He's my realtor." (Justified, S06E06)
  • "You know where I think you went wrong? You hired a bunch of mercs 'cause they look the shit in jungle fatigues. Turns out, they know killing, but they don't know crime." (Justified, S06E06)
  • "Wonderful things can happen when you sow seeds of distrust in a garden of assholes." (Justified, S06E06)
  • "That's the whole point of thrash – gotta be loud enough to drive everything else out of your head." (Justified, S06E06)
  • RT: "Aw Choo-Choo, I thought you were going out by your namesake and then they pulled the rug out" (Justified, S06E06)
  • Jean-Ralphio champagne (Parks and Recreation, S07E12)


(Parks and Recreation, S07E12)

  • Parks and Recreation Season Grade: B-
  • "Hakeem got a thing for the ladies / The ladies got a thing for the Hakeem." (Empire, S01E08)
  • "The best always goes last." (Empire, S01E08)
  • "The joys of being the son of a black man." (Empire, S01E08)
  • "Don't mess with me, Cookie. I'm not one of your jailbird mates, okay?"
    "I wish you were. You probably would've made a good bitch for me. You look like you got a long tongue." (Empire, S01E08)
  • "Adam's Apple is like the balls of the throat." (Black-ish, S01E15)
  • "I've got bad news."
    "Kim Kardashian stopped messing with black guys?"
    "Worse."
    "Zoe Saldana stopped messing with white guys?" (Black-ish, S01E15)
  • "It's just science. The dark is the absence of photons. That's it."
    "Wait, so there's no photons?!"
    "Nope."
    "Where did the photons go?! Did they go into me? Oh God, I'm full of photons!" (Black-ish, S01E15)
  • "Your breath smells like…like slavery!" (Black-ish, S01E15)
  • Henry asking how Mrs. Beeman is (The Americans, S03E05)
  • Elizabeth crushing a man with a car (The Americans, S03E05)
  • "Now he's doing that thing where he pretend to get a text." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E07)
  • "There, now that's not so hard, is it?"
    "So, do you guys do phrasing, or…?" (Archer, S06E08)
  • "Sorry I tried to spit-roast your mom." (Archer, S06E08)


Steve Buscemi (Portlandia, S05E08)

  • All of the art collection gags in the first scene (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
  • "I'm your biggest fan, Jay Z. I switched to Samsung because of you." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
  • "Now my butler Memphis Bleek will be here in exactly one minute to pick me up." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
  • "Et tu, Memphis Bleek?" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
  • Detour: Feed each other ramen in front of a blowing fan? (The Amazing Race, S26E02)
  • How much Little Caesars do contestants eat during filming? (King of the Nerds, S03E06)


(King of the Nerds, S03E06)

  • Burton is a eunuch? (Banshee, S03E08)
  • Why is the French Quarter so deserted? (Banshee, S03E08)


(Banshee, S03E08)

  • Home Improvement gags (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E08)
  • "Now, what's the matter? You usually only make that face when someone's trying to explain Kwanzaa." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
  • "Have you ever heard of civet coffee?"
    "Oh, that's what this is?"
    "Not exactly. This has passed through the intestines of a former child star. Even better. It has the special kind of bitterness that only child stars can conjure up. It's rich, like your parents, and dark, like the people you pushed out of this neighbourhood." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
  • "Cromuffbabkasant." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
  • "Excuse me. Apatow royalty coming through." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
  • "Oh, no. He's going to do something horrible to himself."
    "Oh, good lord. He's going to watch an original show on Amazon Prime." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

8. 50 Shades of Gay (Portlandia, S05E07)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "What's wrong with pictures?"
    "If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E16)
  • "I hate those enunciated denunciations." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E16)
  • Worst Cooks in America Season Grade: D+
  • "I love you." (Shameless, S05E06)
  • Music: Dawn Golden – "Discoloration" (Shameless, S05E06)
  • Fish's human soap box (Gotham, S01E16)
  • "And I'm like, 'Fine, mom, be a whore. Be a drunken whore, even. But don't be a nagging drunken whore.'" (Gotham, S01E16)
  • "I worked on him in my basement for a couple of weeks." (Gotham, S01E16)
  • "My youth is not relevant." (Gotham, S01E16)
  • "Hey, Cagney, Lacey, when you realize how wrong you are about all of this, I'll take an Edible Arrangement as a sorry. Heavy on the pineapple." (Better Call Saul, S01E03)


(Better Call Saul, S01E03)

  • "My thoughts on dessert, I think they're pretty tedious and annoying." (MasterChef Junior, S03E07)
  • "If you don't let me go to that sleepover, I'm gonna stop eating."
    "Buddy…"
    "I overreached." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • "Eddie, what's the thing you always say that the fat brown man says?"
    "Mo' money, mo' problems?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • "Don't tell mom! She relies on me!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • "Eddie, half the reason I come to this country is so you could have lots of sex." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • "If you pretend like you have a bad back, you don't have to do so much work." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • "And most importantly, like we always say during the SNL monologue when a musician hosts, wrap it up." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E05)
  • The Full Text Of The Johnny Karate Legal Disclaimer (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
  • "This, to me, seems like a *hug moment*."
    "You are mistaken. Remove the graphic!"
    (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
  • "'Phenomenon' means 'to explore a cave.'" (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
  • "John Cena: Martial Arts Superstar." (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
  • "You're my Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon." (Parks and Recreation, S07E10)
  • "'Eurotrash.' I like that. It is indeed a garbage continent." (Parks and Recreation, S07E11)
  • "And there's the dance studio where I had my first kiss with the cutest slash only boy in my jazz troupe. Then he came out of the closet – super gay. Then we kissed some more. Then he went to Oberlin." (New Girl, S04E16)
  • "Aplex?"
    "Yeah. 28 points. Boom!"
    "I'm pretty sure 'aplex' isn't a word, Mikey."
    "'Course it is. I don't like that guy. He aplexes me." (Justified, S06E05)
  • "You okay? You look aplexed." (Justified, S06E05)
  • "How about skim milk? You got any skim milk?" (Justified, S06E05)
  • "God only does weird baby stuff." (Modern Family, S06E15)
  • "Naomi Cambell." (Empire, S01E07)
  • "What is a 'bae'?" (Empire, S01E07)
  • Dire Straits, heh (Empire, S01E07)
  • Lucious' clapping (Empire, S01E07)
  • "For her first boyfriend, she's feeling some three-point-shooting, pick-setting point guard – who hustles!"
    "Why can't you just say he's white?" (Black-ish, S01E14)
  • "So how long before downtown gets totally gentrified?"
    "It happens fast. When you get to be my age, it's like a Dave Matthews concert down there." (Black-ish, S01E14)
  • "Amazing. How did you know that?"
    "He posted it on Instagram, and I was about t–"
    "Damn, son! Are you Jason Bourne?!" (Black-ish, S01E14)
  • "What kind of black girl is named 'Becky'?" (Black-ish, S01E14)
  • "You were plenty weird before me. What about the underage drinking scheme? I wasn't even here for that." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E06)
  • "Black people don't do stuff that's not cool." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E06)
  • "She's called 'Dusty' because she's really into angel dust."
    "I am super into angel dust." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E06)
  • "A starter car… This car is a finisher car!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E06)
  • All that Yaz (The Americans, S03E04)
  • Baby Soft ad (The Americans, S03E04)
  • Free association: William Shatner = nipples (King of the Nerds, S03E05)
  • "WIlliam Shatner's chest bothers me." (King of the Nerds, S03E05)
  • "MWHYYYY LITTTTLLLLEEEE PPPPOOOOOOEEEEEENNNNNNYYYYYYY." (King of the Nerds, S03E05)
  • Scott's long, deep bows as he rasps out "luggagggggggge" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E07)


(The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E01)

  • "White Food Medley." (Bagboy)
  • "Doctor and Daisy sitting in a tree. Uh, K-R-L-L-letter of snake." (Bagboy)
  • "Mmm. That's good horse. I could eat this horse 'til the cows come home. Little bit of sawdust, but who cares? It's from the stable. Oh, who am I kidding? Doesn't matter how much horse meat I eat, Daisy's still not gonna like me." (Bagboy)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

7. The prosecution rests (Better Call Saul, S01E01)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "I was talking to Rosa about her 'dinner' with her 'parents.'"
    "I am having dinner with her parents."
    "Okay, liar, what restaurant you going to?"
    "I don't know. Some Italian place."
    "Oh, Italian! Makes sense, Pinocchio! …He's a liar, too. And Italian. …I over-explained it." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
  • "I'm gonna vape you like my e-cig." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
  • "I got John McClaned." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E15)
  • RT: "Apparently the black guy quota on Walking Dead is set at a hard 2" (The Walking Dead, S05E09)
  • "What'll it take to buy me some time?"
    "More than an A cup, baby." (Shameless, S05E05)
  • Music: Robert Francis – "Baby Was the Devil" (Shameless, S05E05)
  • 'I Heart Anal' mug (Looking, S02E04)
  • Nebraska, in black and white, like Nebraska, which stars Bob Odenkirk (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
  • "Cucumber water for customer only." (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
  • Chekhov's bin dent (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
  • Chef Ben's tattooed head (Cutthroat Kitchen, S06E06)
  • Chef Jackie bidding all her money (Cutthroat Kitchen, S06E06)
  • "Are you punking my abuelita?" (Better Call Saul, S01E02)
  • "Walter's not wearing Jordans either."
    "He doesn't need to. He's black. That's like built-in Jordans." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
  • "And there's a point system, and then something happens with the clock, and then the winner drinks milk." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
  • "Water doesn't project success. Capri Sun does." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
  • "Go on, girl. Taste the rainbow." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
  • "This is not a duet." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E03)
  • "Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie." (Parks and Recreation, S07E08)
  • "She designed her own major – Halloween studies." (Parks and Recreation, S07E08)


"I'm MC Hammer." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)

  • ["Lightning Crashes" by Live]
    "This woman's terrible." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)
  • "Miata Queens of Orlando." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E04)
  • MRAs – ha (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
  • "50 Shaved Old Gays." (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
  • "Men's rights is nothing." (Parks and Recreation, S07E09)
  • "Which one of you is Janet Novoselic?"
    "I am."
    "Agents Grohl and Cobain." (Supernatural, S10E13)
  • "How much you want to bet that she and Mr. Hutchins didn't die peacefully in their sleep?"
    "Oh, but it's such a nice thought. It's how I want to go. I'm kidding. I want Sigourney Weaver to choke me out with her thighs." (Justified, S06E04)
  • "I need a real producer – Hit-Boy, Timbaland." (Empire, S01E06)
  • RT: "Dead at Raven-Symone's name being Olivia, dead at her sleeping with a gay man and her real life gf is on the show" (Empire, S01E06)
  • "Told my wife her naan is not as puffy as my mom's." (Black-ish, S01E13)
  • "Gay dudes are like hot chicks. They only part with each other." (Workaholics, S05E05)
  • "They're gonna be getting their cream pies from us." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E05)
  • "Asians know electronics, and fish, but Americans know cream pies." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E05)
  • "Gaylord. I could not have been more wrong on that one. You're clearly some kind of straightlord." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E05)
  • "Josh, you're being a huge asshole."
    [excited Tanaka]
    "No, Tanaka, sorry, it's a figure of speech."
    [sad Tanaka] (Man Seeking Woman, S01E05)
  • Top Chef: Boston Season Grade: D
  • "Okay, here we go, so we have, ugh, tequila and coffee liqueur. All right, so, we can make, I guess this will be a…Black Mexican?" (Archer, S06E06)
  • "Black Mexican?"
    "Uhh, hey, dick, I happen to be Pakistani." (Archer, S06E06)
  • "Canadian down low." (Archer, S06E06)
  • "We can't move you tonight. We're about to kiss Sister Sister." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E05)
  • Guest starring James Adomian and the Broad City girls (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E05)
  • Moby the dick judge (King of the Nerds, S03E04)
  • Boobypack? (Shark Tank, S06E19)
  • "The original lyric was 'I do practice Santeria,' but the record label made them change it." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E06)
  • A sex scene set to Icelandic metal (Fortitude, S01E01)
  • Music: Moldun – "This Time You Dig the Hole" (Fortitude, S01E01)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

6. The Shot (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E04 – a Television Episode of the Year nominee)

There is a huge chunk of the [episode] that is one take, no tricks. It begins with Charlie first escorting the inspector inside the bar and continuing all the way through to Charlie leading the inspector to the basement. [source]


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "I never black out for a whole day unless I'm smoking crack." (Shameless, S05E04)
  • ER – heh (Shameless, S05E04)
  • "Don't cry, Ginuwine, it's okay." (Parks and Recreation, S07E07)
  • "Just yesterday, I learned that the Pearl Jam album Vitalogy was written about you." (Parks and Recreation, S07E07)
  • "That omelette was so delicious!" (New Girl, S04E14)
  • "We wrote the check out to Cece."
    "We do not know your full name." (New Girl, S04E14)
  • "Can you please tell my investment here that she can't make any money with art history?"
    "That's not true. Last year, I made almost $22,000, and my life is very hard."
    "You see that? You should be studying to become a doctor. They make good money, they get respect. Paging Dr. …Cece." (New Girl, S04E14)
  • "That one over there, he's all creativity and ideas. And this one's all data and numbers."
    "[snaps] Six." (New Girl, S04E14)
  • "This is a man who would wear sweatpants to his wedding."
    "I now pronounce me comfortable." (New Girl, S04E14)
  • Sunset Overdrive (Justified, S06E03)
  • "You understand me, Earl? I'm gonna shoot your dick off." (Justified, S06E03)
  • "Why do all your shirts have black men on them?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
  • "Well, Evan is not going to school today. His fat friend J.J. give him string cheese and apparently he is lactose intolerant. His body is rejecting white culture, which make me kinda proud." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
  • "Hey, y'all. When my neck gets red, 'cause of my white skin is out in the yellow sun, I like to come here, to Cattleman's Ranch, where I can get comfortable among people of my own kind, maybe meet my wife, or my cousin, or my cousin wife, for an onion blossom for only $2.99." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E01)
  • "We got all types of special effects, like Avatar and The Hobbit." (Empire, S01E05)
  • "Get out. You people always misbehave."
    "What you mean by 'you people'? You black like me." (Empire, S01E05)
  • "When this video drop, it's gonna put Drake, Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole, and all them cats on notice." (Empire, S01E05)
  • "Can you afford any precious time, especially over a thot?" (Empire, S01E05)
  • "You still worrying about singles when I'm 'bout to be iconic." (Empire, S01E05)
  • "You took a three-hour nap yesterday."
    "I was tired from the marathon."
    "The Downton Abbey marathon?!"
    "That family is exhausting." (Modern Family, S06E13)
  • Music: Danny Brown – "Fresh Off the Boat Theme Song" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
  • CLC – ha! (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
  • "Enjoy your stick, white friends." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
  • "Look what my mom got me for my straight Cs." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
  • "Love you."
    "Love you? My dad never said that. My family loved each other; we just didn't say it. We showed our love through criticism and micromanagement, so if you said 'love you,' you were probably hiding something." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E02)
  • "Kinda like the band Everclear. I'm Art Alexis. He's Craig Montoya and Greg Eklund."
    "Okay, let me be ever so clear about this: You are no Art Alexis."
    "I'm totally Art Alexis." (Workaholics, S05E04)


Tony Kornheiser (The Americans, S03E02)


The Shockmaster (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E04)

  • "They gentrified his pet cemetery?" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E04)
  • "Parallelograms are a bitch." (King of the Nerds, S03E03)
  • "Myth and Match" – good Nerd-Off (King of the Nerds, S03E03)
  • "It's not poo poo."
    "I don't think it's poo poo on a stick." (Shark Tank, S06E18)
  • Siobhan! (Banshee, S03E05)
  • "I think there's something at the bottom."
    "That's where Drake started!" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
  • "Until the day you die."
    "When is that, exactly?"
    "It's about 25 days from now."
    "Really…"
    "Mm-hmm. Don't you want to know how you die?"
    "I do, yeah."
    "Old age."
    "Oh, it's a rapidly…"
    "No, no, no. It's just a man. He goes by 'Old Age.'" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
  • "Starsky with Hookers." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)
  • Everyone corpsing during the Shiloh Huffington interview (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E05)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


5. Marshawn Lynch and Rob Gronkowski Play "Mortal Kombat X" With Conan O'Brien (Conan, 01-29-15)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "I'm still planning to get some retribution. I got her a parting gift."
    "Tickets to Wicked?"
    "In Boston. Have fun watching some chubby Chenoweth knock-off warble her way through 'Popular.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E14)
  • "When I was alone in her office, I changed her auto-correct. Now when she types 'Wunch,' it gets replaced with 'butt.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E14)
  • "We call him 'Carlilingus.'" (Shameless, S05E03)
  • "Do we get paid on the holiday?"
    "No. None of the holidays. Not the tree one, the president one, the war one, and definitely not the one for the blacks." (Shameless, S05E03)
  • "You date-raped me."
    "We were on a date?"
    "No, Debbie, you statutory raped yourself. I could go to jail."
    "I don't understand."
    "Friends don't rape friends." (Shameless, S05E03)
  • "You lost your virginity?"
    "Does it count if it's rape?" (Shameless, S05E03)
  • "Listen, Debs, a million guys would kill to be raped by you." (Shameless, S05E03)
  • "I hope you die in a puddle of diarrhea." (Shameless, S05E03)
  • Writing off characters like it's the UK Shameless (Shameless, S05E03)
  • "Wait, you're paying this butt brain?"
    "My butt does have brains. They're called 'turds' and they're smarter than you." (Bob's Burgers, S05E10)


(Looking, S02E03)

  • "Was Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?" (Parks and Recreation, S07E05)
  • "The only contract I've ever signed is my Mulligan's sSteakhouse club card, and even then I used a fake name – Les. Les Vegetables." (Parks and Recreation, S07E05)
  • "Paul Reiser salmon." (Parks and Recreation, S07E06)
  • "Just about hit me, now you're gonna sling foul utterances in my direction?" (Justified, S06E02)
  • "How do you know I was with a guy if you ain't been following me?"
    "I'm not following you."
    "Are you saying you ain't following me like you don't know what I'm saying, or are you just repeating this bullshit about you ain't been following me?"
    "I'm not following you?" (Justified, S06E02)
  • "You know what I was thinking about today? The Franklin sandwich at Denver Biscuit Company." (Justified, S06E02)
  • "Jocks, they peak in high school, all right, but nerds, they become Skrillex." (Workaholics, S05E03)
  • "Hov, hangin' with Mr. Cooper, Asian girl laughing." (Workaholics, S05E03)
  • "I love eating sashimi, but I would rather eat sashi-you." (Workaholics, S05E03)
  • "Half-black equals full black, and that's not my rule, that's society's rule. That's why Drake could say the N word a million times and everyone's like, 'I love this song.'" (Workaholics, S05E03)
  • "She's obviously valuing both of her Filipino and black heritage equally. So if anything, she's a full-bodied 'pino noir." (Workaholics, S05E03)
  • Frusen Glädjé (The Americans, S03E01)
  • Kama Sutra (The Americans, S03E01)
  • Jake "The Snake" Roberts singing "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E03)
  • Arsenio Hall's private jet, the Arsenium Falcon (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E03)
  • "We'll go with you to Los Angeles."
    "But that's only because you referenced Martin." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E03)
  • The taxi driver from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air opening credits (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E03)
  • YG as the voice of Olmec (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E03)
  • "I'm a little disappointed. I thought that she would care so much about handmade costumes." (King of the Nerds, S03E02)
  • "REITs aren't sexy." (Shark Tank, S06E16)
  • $75 for Forza 5 (Banshee, S03E04)
  • "Jesus. Call the police."
    "Uhh, he is the police." (Banshee, S03E04)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

4. Nola vs. Burton (Banshee, S03E03)

A Fight Scene of the Year nominee.


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "I've never had a taco." (Worst Cooks in America, S06E03)
  • "My favorite food is Hamburger Helper – with chicken." (Worst Cooks in America, S06E03)
  • "They may have female genitalia, but those lesbians are The Man." (Shameless, S05E02)
  • "I want to see the burning man!" (Shameless, S05E02)
  • The butler looks like Bomani Jones (Gotham, S01E12)
  • "In modern America, touching in public is quite permitted. Also warrants the expression 'get a room.'" (Sleepy Hollow, S02E13)
  • "Fat Chance, when we started, you had no control over your powers."

    "See this? Totally random."
    "Nonsense. This is a door to time and space. Where it goes is up to you. You must become Fat Choice." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)
  • "I hench for no man." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)
  • "Nobody but spies play baccarat." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)


(Parks and Recreation, S07E03)

  • "Zach! Camp Wamapoke! You got a boner!" (Parks and Recreation, S07E03)
  • "The Somebody's Daughter Dancers." (Parks and Recreation, S07E03)
  • "Game of Thrones is on tonight! It's the series finale! Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow! Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails."
    "Look, it makes sense if you read the books." (Parks and Recreation, S07E04)
  • "Never really developed a taste for tequila. Kind of hard to understand how you make a drink out of something like that. Sharp, inhospitable. Same reason I never understood the fascination with the artichoke. Now bourbon is easy to understand. Tastes like a warm summer day." (Justified, S06E01)
  • "You need to be smart."
    "What I need is a $6 blow job. A smarter move I cannot imagine." (Justified, S06E01)
  • Swedish songwriters – heh (Empire, S01E03)
  • "What is this?"
    "This is Gus. He's a private detective that I hired."
    "You did what?"
    "He ain't cheating on you…" (Empire, S01E03)


(Best New Restaurant, S01E01)


(Workaholics, S05E02)

  • "No one gives a shit about bloody Cole Porter." (American Horror Story, S04E13)
  • American Horror Story Season Grade: D+
  • "My cock ring is sliding off."
    "Why my father is talking to me with a cinch around his penis is beyond my grasp." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Can I get a drink?"
    "Go ask one of the other ones."
    "What other ones?"
    "The other ones. The bird lady, the troll man." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Can I get a drink, please?"
    "No, not now. Ask one of the other ones. The dirty one or the gay one." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "What are some of the things we could talk about?"
    "Creatine shits." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Cowboys hate teachers. You know, cowboys are independent thinkers who like to learn for themselves." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Let's just keep it simple. Let's just start with our names."
    […]
    "Hi, ladies. I'm Frak. Shit!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Ignition (Remix)," "Return of the Mack," "No Scrubs" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "I'll just masturbate." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E02)
  • "She hated the text. She's never going to respond. We have to save face. We have to pretend we were just kidding. Text 'JK.' Text 'JK'!" (Man Seeking Woman, S01E02)


(The Taste, S03E07)

  • The Taste Season Grade: C
  • "You have to try this. Hot cocoa, dark creme de cacao, hint of crème de menthe, and peppermint schnapps. I call it a 'peppermint patty.'" (Archer, S06E03)
  • "We head out at dawn."
    "And that's A.M.?"
    "As opposed to…?"
    "P.M. Dawn?"
    "'Set Adrift on Memory Bliss.' Come on, buddy." (Archer, S06E03)
  • "I have kind of a weird bucket list."
    "Number three: Bang Joe Frazier."
    "[sigh] Really regret sharing that with you." (Archer, S06E03)


(Portlandia, S05E03)

  • "All men like Brigitte Nielsen." (Portlandia, S05E03)


(Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)

  • "Make 'Em Say Uhh" reference (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)
  • All the food trucks (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)
  • "I have many unique skills, including making the Predator noise." (King of the Nerds, S03E01)


(Banshee, S03E03)

  • Mile 69 – heh (Banshee, S03E03)
  • "I am Associate Professor X."
    "Wait a minute. Your name is X, as in the letter 'X'?"
    "E-C-K-S. My parents named me after their favourite film character, Jeremiah Ecks, from Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
  • "They should come out with a video game that's just stuff black people do."
    "Yeah, like a whole level to see who can tuck their shirt in their drawers and sag their pants the best."
    "What would the boss level be?"
    "Sell cocaine for at least five years." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
  • "If I get mad at a little person… What I do is I just throw a big sombrero on top of them and then put tortilla chips in there. And I make them walk around a party with a sombrero full of chips." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
  • "You need Jesus."
    "I need Jesus and a can of ginger ale." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E10)
  • The Eric Andre Show Season Grade: A-

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


3. Fifty Shades of Grey (Togetherness, S01E01)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have, um, original no flavour and…whole wheat no flavour." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E13)
  • "Wash my dogs, and be warned, they just watched Peabody and Sherman, so they're extra horny." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E13)
  • "We're like Batman and Alfred."
    "You'd rather be Alfred than Robin?"
    "He has access to the Batcave. Plus, he gets to drive all of Batman's girlfriends home and dish." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E13)
  • "I have no idea what a cucumber is." (Worst Cooks in America, S06E02)
  • "You know Norman Reedus?" (Girls, S04E01)
  • "Hard to hate a guy who gives you raisins." (Bob's Burgers, S05E09)
  • "I am never going back to the pit, unless the pit is a cool diner where teens hang out." (Bob's Burgers, S05E09)


Painting of Scott Bakula (Looking, S02E01)

  • "Agustín made a new friend too."
    "Yeah, I did. He's cute. A big bear who cares about trans and has a house in Virginia."
    "Oh, I've always wanted to visit the South."
    "Heh. A 'house in Virginia' – HIV positive." (Looking, S02E01)
  • "If anybody wants to hang, I will be at Subway." (Parks and Recreation, S07E01)


(Parks and Recreation, S07E01)

  • Werner Herzog! (Parks and Recreation, S07E01)
  • "After 47 years living here, I decided to move to Orlando to be closer to Disney World." (Parks and Recreation, S07E01)
  • "Everyone's in a really great mood now because of the Cubs winning in the Series." (Parks and Recreation, S07E02)
  • "This is why they call it Beantown, huh?" (Parks and Recreation, S07E02)
  • "It turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along." (Parks and Recreation, S07E02)
  • "I like my stomach like I like my suits – no lining." (New Girl, S04E13)
  • "I confiscated this satellite phone with a condom taped to it."
    "My earthquake kit?" (New Girl, S04E13)
  • "A water bottle with the top cut off."
    "That's a cup."
    "That is just a cup." (New Girl, S04E13)
  • Why did Antonia Lofaso replace Waylynn Lucas? (Restaurant Startup, S02E01)
  • Fellatio bib (Empire, S01E02)
  • "Shut up, Dora." (Empire, S01E02)
  • "You gon' Ray Rice me?" (Empire, S01E02)
  • "I asked for capers on the damn bagel!" (Empire, S01E02)
  • "Come on, Barack, you know you don't have to use that kind of languag— [Obama hangs up on Lucious]" (Empire, S01E02)
  • "First off, I have to commend your son, Hakeem Lyon, who recently accused President Obama of being a sellout." (Empire, S01E02)
  • "Every time I intubate a patient, I am reminded of how far we've come because of the accomplishments of 'Dr.' King."
    "Did you just air quote Dr. King?"
    "No… I am a medical doctor because of 'Dr.' King."
    "Are you hating on Dr. King?"
    "No, he is a great man, Dre! He has a Nobel Peace Prize, okay? I do not have one! But if you were to have a heart attack, he would give a great speech, and I would keep you alive." (Black-ish, S01E12)
  • Another Asylum character tie-in (American Horror Story, S04E12)
  • "You're a regular Gabriel Iglesias."
    "Iiiii wouldn't say that. Fluffy's very talented." (Workaholics, S05E01)
  • "Get that pecker out, buddy."
    "Okay, I can't. I'm sorry. It's like… It's very small, all right? It's like the, you know, the plastic thing at the end of a shoelace." (Workaholics, S05E01)
  • "Every gash is somebody's daughter." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "He did a monologue from Precious, which isn't even in the karaoke book." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "Uh ohhhh! There's a Jew at Hitler's party." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "When I was in Austria, back in the era, I would say 'That one,' and my bodyguards, they would take her, and they would put her in my bed. They would burn the house down. That was my Tinder." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "Don't you still love me?"
    "Josh…"
    "I'm better than Hitler!" (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "I'm sorry, Hitler." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "Isn't Argentina our ally?"
    "You'd think, right, after we threw them that lovely coup?" (Archer, S06E02)
  • "What the hell are you doing?"
    "I'm Archerizing this plan."
    "What? No, no. Uh-uh. You cannot make yourself a verb. I will not allow it." (Archer, S06E02)


"Thanks, Mr. Bearjangles." (Archer, S06E02)

  • Justin Long! (Portlandia, S05E02)
  • Changing up the opening credits (Banshee, S03E02)
  • "What if he calls it off?"
    "As Coldplay would say, don't panic. My boy Scott can, as Coldplay would say, talk his way out of anything." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
  • "You better stop making like Coldplay by creating trouble and get back to work." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
  • Twin Shadow! (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
  • "It kind of sounds a little bit like a bong."
    "UC Santa Cruz." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
  • Maya Rudolph corpsing at the end of the Claire Coulter interview (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
  • Andy Samberg refusing to whip out his junk because he's doing better than Eric Andre (The Eric Andre Show, S03E09)


(The Eric Andre Show, S03E09)

  • Kevin Hart sure likes leather clothing (Saturday Night Live, S40E11)

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

2. Christina (Worst Cooks in America, S06E01)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "The fanny runs deep." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E12)


(Worst Cooks in America, S06E01)

  • "Hold on. I recognize that sound. It's butts on brass." (Bob's Burgers, S05E08)
  • "How are we going to get past Ms. Schnur?"
    "I have an idea."
    […]
    "Hey, Penny Marshall's outside!" (Bob's Burgers, S05E08)
  • Retconning this season's case? (Broadchurch, S02E01)


(Bodyshockers, S02E01)

  • "We got a code Jewish, code Jewish."
    "You're under ch'arrest." (New Girl, S04E12)
  • "Girl's like a…pepperoni." (New Girl, S04E12)
  • "So that was a huge failure. I feel like a Democrat." (New Girl, S04E12)
  • Common hosted, judged, and recorded a theme song for a furniture building competition (Framework, S01E01)
  • Nicole's accent is bizarre (The Real World, S30E04)
  • "The president is asking that you'll attend the China state dinner."
    "Okay, tell Barack that, yes, but this is the last one for the next few months." (Empire, S01E01)
  • "I'm not competing with that sound." (Empire, S01E01)
  • "Take that damn bass out of your voice when you talking to me!" (Empire, S01E01)
  • Lucious literally binning his gay son (Empire, S01E01)
  • "I want to show you a faggot really can run this company." (Empire, S01E01)
  • With Cuba Gooding Jr., this show will star FOUR Academy Award nominees (Empire, S01E01)
  • "This place, these people, are our world, and it is like a banquet full of delicious possibilities. But our top priority is sex." (American Horror Story, S04E11)
  • "Is that medicine?"
    "It's painkillers mixed with candy. I call them 'Mike and Vics.'" (Archer, S06E01)
  • "You're gonna need my help."
    "Ha! Because you also need my help!"
    "Only because you just broke two of my ribs, in addition to impaling me on a bamboo stake, on which, I think we both know, you smeared some poop!" (Archer, S06E01)
  • Ty Burrell corpsing throughout the Fabrice Fabrice interview (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E01)


(The Eric Andre Show, S03E08)

  • "Investigate 311." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E08)

#clipoftheweek

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

Cycle six!

1. Nerds (Friends of the People, S01E10)


Stray Observations

  • A $25,000 winner! (Cutthroat Kitchen, S06E10)
  • Friends of the People Season Grade: C+

Looking forward (GULP):

A Lord and Miller sitcom! Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on Adult Swim! This Is England does rave culture!

#clipoftheweek


Adam Riff™ Clips of the Year

To recap:

1. Unhung Hero
2. Enlisted
3. WWE Raw
4. The Midnight Beast
5. Bob's Burgers
6. New Girl
7. True Detective
8. Looking
9. Hannibal
10. Hannibal
11. Review
12. Rick and Morty
13. Portlandia
14. Portlandia
15. WWE Raw
16. Game of Thrones
17. Fargo
18. Hannibal
19. Vice
20. Hannibal
21. Hannibal
22. Mad Men
23. Silicon Valley
24. Veep
25. Game of Thrones
26. 24
27. Nathan For You
28. Nathan For You
29. Conan
30. Utopia [UK]
31. The Leftovers
32. The Strain
33. Utopia [UK]
34. Nathan For You
35. Wizard Wars
36. You're the Worst
37. Wizard Wars
38. The Bridge
39. The Knick
40. The Simpsons
41. Late Show with David Letterman
42. The Amazing Race
43. Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories
44. "Too Many Cooks"
45. South Park
46. Friends of the People
47. South Park
48. The Amazing Race
49. The Eric Andre Show
50. Black-ish
51. The Eric Andre Show


52. Perhaps the greatest college football play any of us have ever seen (Popeyes Bahamas Bowl, 12-24-14)


Stray Observations

  • "My wife made a lasagna." (Homeland, S04E12)
  • "Walter retired. It's now a Pain Quotidien." (Homeland, S04E12)
  • "We are the no men of no man's land." (Homeland, S04E12)
  • Homeland Season Grade: B-
  • "Rick here has the hands of a ballplayer and the face of an owner." (Friends of the People, S01E09)


(Mozart in the Jungle, S01E01)

  • "Philip Gla– I hate Philip Glass." (Mozart in the Jungle, S01E05)
  • "You know, I once did PR for Insane Clown Posse, but these people are fucking insane." (Mozart in the Jungle, S01E10)
  • Mozart in the Jungle Season Grade: C

Top Five Television Episodes of 2014
5. "The Endorsement" (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S01E06)
4. "Souvenir Shop / E.L.A.I.F.F." (Nathan For You, S02E02)
3. "Dumb Starbucks" (Nathan For You, S02E05)
2. "Looking for the Future" (Looking, S01E05)
1. "Mizumono" (Hannibal, S02E13)


Top Ten Television Programmes of 2014
10. Fargo
9. Game of Thrones
8. Looking
7. Utopia [UK]
6. Veep
5. Shameless
4. Rick and Morty
3. The Eric Andre Show
2. Nathan For You
1. Hannibal


2013-14 Season Grades
Note: I did not grade a number of programmes whose seasons I only watched some or most of.

Hannibal: A

Nathan For You: A-
Rick and Morty: A-
Shameless: A-
Veep: A-

Game of Thrones: B+
Looking: B+
Sleepy Hollow: B+
Utopia [UK]: B+

24: B
The Americans: B
Babylon: B
Boardwalk Empire: B
The Bridge: B
Brooklyn Nine-Nine: B
Fargo: B
House of Cards: B
King of the Nerds: B
The Knick: B
Restaurant Startup: B
Shark Tank: B
Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories: B

American Horror Story: Coven: B-
Bob's Burgers: B-
Going Deep with David Rees: B-
Hello Ladies: The Movie: B-
Homeland: B-
The Leftovers: B-
Mad Men: B-
Orange Is the New Black: B-
Parks and Recreation: B-
Troy: B-
True Detective: B-

Banshee: C+
Black Mirror: White Christmas: C+
Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule: C+
Chozen: C+
Comedy Bang! Bang!: C+
Community: C+
Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey: C+
Enlisted: C+
Getting On: C+
Girls: C+
Halt and Catch Fire: C+
Happy Valley: C+
The Honourable Woman: C+
In the Flesh: C+
Justified: C+
Loiter Squad: C+
Louie: C+
Masters of Sex: C+
Matador: C+
Orphan Black: C+
Penny Dreadful: C+
Portlandia: C+
Prey: C+
Rectify: C+
Review: C+
Silicon Valley: C+
South Park: C+
The Strain: C+
Trailer Park Boys: C+
Transparent: C+
Vice: C+
Wizard Wars: C+
Workaholics: C+

The Amazing Race 25: C
Archer: C
Bates Motel: C
Black Jesus: C
Face Off 6: C
Face Off 7: C
MasterChef: C
MasterChef Canada: C
MasterChef Junior: C
Modern Family: C
Mozart in the Jungle: C
Mr. Pickles: C
Saturday Night Live: C
The Taste: C
The Taste UK: C
Top Chef: New Orleans: C
Top Chef Canada: C
The Walking Dead: C

Bad Education: C-
The Driver: C-
Friday Night Dinner: C-
The League: C-
Key and Peele: C-
New Girl: C-
Peaky Blinders: C-
Sons of Anarchy: C-
The Trip to Italy: C-
Wilfred: C-

Broad City: D+
From Dusk Till Dawn: D+

The Amazing Race 24: D

So 97 + Friends of the People, which ends on Tuesday.

#clipoftheweek