I convinced my mother to let me stuff our Thanksgiving turkey with Montreal-style stuffing.

I'll probably end up eating it all myself.

"We're spending Thanksgiving at C's house this year."

"Oh..."

"What?"

"The last time we spent Thanksgiving at C's house, I kinda...whacked a kindergartner in the back with a remote control."

"When was this?"

"10 years ago? You were overseas. Daddy took us."

"And you hit him why?"

"He wouldn't stop whining during Saving Private Ryan and I...snapped. Clumsily. Anyhow, can you check if he's attending?"

"I doubt he remembers."

"His parents might, though. They were like, 'How dare you! We've never hit our son before!" and I was like, 'You've never hit your son before? What kind of Chinese parents are you?'"

[pause]

Purina makes frozen treats for dogs?

Pooches love Frosty Paws because they are delicious and refreshing. You'll love them because they're a convenient way to share the joy of ice cream with your four-legged friend.

#whypeoplehateamerica

Idea: Frozen teats for puppies.

I caught a Folgers ad in which a guy returns home from West Africa on Christmas Day, sees a can of Folgers, and remarks, "Real coffee!"

• Things You Can't Unsee
• Ed Hardy Water

I just hope you never meet that bum you tried to force-feed some burger king to.