After many a summer dies the swan

John Travolta plays a disgraced speedboat designer.

In a career that has included both L. Ron Hubbard-sized disgraces and unforeseeable, charm-filled comebacks, it has never been safe to bet that Travolta was out of the game for good. But with this utterly lifeless pic falling between the critical punching-bag Gotti and other in-post cheapies including a film directed by Fred (Limp Bizkit) Durst, 2018 may be the year that finally does him in.

Is… Is Devon Sawa the action hero?

Oh, Devon Sawa wrote a film!

"After several weeks, living on booze and chips."

American Playground

Don't tease me with "sprayable" if it's just a stream.

I am disappoint.

You know that bit "if nothing can destroy the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?"

If Raising Cane's chicken fingers are only good because of its sauce, why don't they just sell "fingers" of their sauce? Freeze the sauce, slice it into strips, bread and deep fry them. Lower overhead, increase margin.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

45. Mac's Dance (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S13E10)

Stray Observations

  • "You always log out before outing a log!" (Bob's Burgers, S09E05)
  • "You should have never let me see you act, Larry. Once you showed me that, you showed me everything."
    "How you mean?"
    "Pimp is a role. So is whore. You pretended to be one, I pretended to be the other, and we went on like that for years. You know, pretending. But shit, once you start letting a girl inside the pretend, it's over, ain't it?" (The Deuce, S02E09)
  • The Deuce Season Grade: C
  • Tara Lipinski's throat slashed with an ice skate (Kidding, S01E09)
  • It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season Grade: C
  • "Outside of school is the one place kids are supposed to be safe!" (South Park, S22E06)
  • "You can't possibly go all the way back to the snow level again!" (South Park, S22E06)
  • The Romanoffs (American Horror Story: Apocalypse, S08E09)
  • "I keep begging her, 'Give Chicago Hope a shot,' but she won't have it." (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E05)
  • Dr. Saunders' throat slashed with a box cutter (Into the Dark, S01E02)

(Homecoming, S01E08)

  • ♫: "Amy's Theme" from The Conversation (Homecoming, S01E08)
  • ♫: Iron and Wine – "The Trapeze Swinger" (Homecoming, S01E10)
  • Homecoming Season Grade: B

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Who Is America?

My man Kevin on the ledge and shit

// New York City, NY

The first thing I do after entering a hotel room is check the evacuation map on the back of the door to see how the size of my room compares to others on my floor. Did the front desk person fuck me?

The room I write this from is an accessible room designed for wheelchair users. I'm not sure if the front desk person granted me a more spacious room or stuck me with a roll-in shower. Water on the bathroom floor…

[Update: My room has one window, whereas others have one-and-a-half.]

You can now access a hotel room by tapping your phone on a sensor, but we still use flimsy paper door hangers to inform housekeeping not to disturb. Hotel rooms should be like airplane lavatories. If I lock the door to my room, a light outside switches from green to red.

Why do we call washrooms on airplanes "lavatories"?

Billions is filming near my hotel.

Not Bowie Enough

Z-movie "mockbusters" are everywhere at at this year's American Film Market.

Following The Nun, the $364 million smash that recently became the most successful film in Warner Bros.' Conjuring franchise, smaller-pocketed genre buyers can get in on the (sister) act, too, thanks to such titles as The Bad Nun, Curse of the Nun, The Sinister Nun and, just, Nun.

"Our film wasn't actually called that, it was called The Watcher and then renamed," says Scott Jeffrey, the British writer-director of The Bad Nun, which is being shopped by ITN Distribution. "They came to us in February and said they needed a film with a nun in it. They didn't really care what it was about, it just needed to have a nun basically doing bad shit."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

44. Pretzel Jack (Channel Zero: The Dream Door, S04E01)

Stray Observations

  • "Damn. Y'all murdered the shit out that mothafucka."
    "What happened?"
    "He talked too much." (The Deuce, S02E08)
  • "We don't live how you live, so we don't know what you know, so we can't move how you move to get what you got. (Kidding, S01E08)
  • "Orvis! Blow your rape whistle if you can hear mommy!" (Camping, S01E03)

(Channel Zero: The Dream Door, S04E04)

  • "Ugh, that is one ugly man!" (Channel Zero: The Dream Door, S04E05)
  • NFL footage (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S13E09)
  • "Would you like a grape Fanta?" (American Horror Story: Apocalypse, S08E08)
  • "Every Wednesday night, Brad Pitt comes over and fucks me 'til the sun comes up. On Friday nights, I get Ryan Reynolds." (American Horror Story: Apocalypse, S08E08)
  • "Well, I was the chief accountant at Gawker before, you know, that whole thing." (American Horror Story: Apocalypse, S08E08)

(American Horror Story: Apocalypse, S08E08)

  • "We bang Victoria's Secret models every Tuesday."
    "Fuck yeah! …Thursdays, we get Ryan Reynolds." (American Horror Story: Apocalypse, S08E08)
  • Channel Zero: The Dream Door Season Grade: B
  • "There are plenty of other people I could help, like my good friend Ben Affleck and his crippling addiction to back tattoos, or my other good friend Matt Damon and his crippling addiction to my friend Ben Affleck." (The Good Place, S03E07)
  • "When the time comes, she will rip this guy off and disappear like Keyser Söze, right after he admitted to groping all those people." (The Good Place, S03E07)
  • "Well, it was the first Hooters ever made out of brick, sort of inspired by Monticello." (The Good Place, S03E07)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Channel Zero: The Dream Door
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Who Is America?

Crotch-Rot Fishglue

[checks work e-mail]

Hi Jon!

Here's the message I just received-
"Your 710am United flight to Denver is delayed because we're looking for a new crew. Your original crew has not had sufficient off-duty/rest time required by federal law. We value your time and we're sorry for the inconvenience. UA866 now departs Raleigh/Durham at 746am and arrives at 925am"

Just say it's a mechanical issue.