Real enchiladas you feel good about eating

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I want to wear something to said weddings that's interesting but won't irk the bride or groom's parents.

Jon: $68.99 for the suit, $31.95 for the tie, plus shipping and tailoring.
Drew: Bruh, what are you doing? Buy a suit you can get more than two wears out of. A red suit is not versatile at all.
Jon: [grumbling] Why do you have to be so practical?

Jon: That tie on a red shirt in a black suit doesn't work.

Jon: I wish I had money to burn.


Russell: Plus a Superman undershirt.
Jon: Heh. If only I could grow a mustache to conceal.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

11. Undercover Office Potty (Saturday Night Live, S43E16)

Honourable Mention

  • Shane McMahon Grape Lady-ing (WWE SmackDown Live, 03-13-18)
  • Baskets Career College commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
  • Country lawyer Sam Hill commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
  • Halloween store commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
  • lilysmom_11 (Atlanta, S02E03)

Stray Observations

  • ♫: Joan Jett and the Blackhearts – "Crimson and Clover" (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E03)

(WWE Raw, 03-13-18)

  • "Eddie RZA" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E18)
  • "Yin and Yang. Your opposite energies balance each other out. The black is Yin, slow and yielding, like you, Louis, always thinking before you act. The white is Yang, focused and active, like you, Jessica, jumping into action before thinking it through. Your two energies complement each other, achieving perfect balance. It's the reason Tommy Boy didn't work. Too much white. No balance." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E18)
  • "The mermaid's name is Seayoncé." (LA to Vegas, S01E08)
  • "I'm gonna hold on to your food TV." (LA to Vegas, S01E08)
  • "Do I look like I want to try some bulgogi?" (Black-ish, S04E14)
  • The Sunken Place (Black-ish, S04E14)
  • "Don't you worry about your only grandmother. She hasn't shown you all the tricks up her sleeve."
    "It's punching. The trick up her sleeve is punching." (Black-ish, S04E14)
  • "Innovators don't need to match their athletic gear." (Black-ish, S04E15)
  • "As long as they don't eat off of strangers' plates and mix athletic brands, all right? I cannot have them looking like Eastern Europeans." (Black-ish, S04E15)
  • ♫: Dr. John – "Iko Iko" (The Mick, S02E17)

(The Mick, S02E17)

  • Christine's bangs (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "I Am Woman, It's My Store" (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "One of them went viral."
    "Yeah. Here it is. Two hits?!" (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "I know what I'm doing! I used to date a videographer!" (Baskets, S03E08)
  • Pop-up skeleton Santa (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "No one wants an 'I Am Not Your Negroni.'" (Grown-ish, S01E11)
  • "You need the right slogan, like ours: 'Black Dorms Should Matter.' We're trending on Twitter right now. #BDSM. You might've seen it."
    "That may not be us." (Grown-ish, S01E11)
  • "I wrote it for my high school ska band, the Ska-nold Trumpets. That was before ska and Donald Trump got super embarrassing and were only, like, kind of embarrassing." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "Why are you dancing like that? It's like you're trying to escape your lack of rhythm, but you just can't do it." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "Ain't nothin' better than a curly spice / On straight fries would be erreally nice." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "You're lucky the first rule of ska is 'always have an extra set of suspenders.'" (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "I'm putting my foot down."
    "You wear a size four. Putting your foot down, what does that accomplish?" (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "You want to hear some ska poetry? Reel Big Fish. 'I'm giving up because I know everything sucks.'" (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "I'm such an idiot for thinking I could revive ska music. Probably just got to wait until gas prices go down and then seven-person bands can tour again." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "It takes people years to get to where I am and all I had to do was show that manager that I was serious, laser-focused, and that she could never, ever, ever escape me."
    "Okay, so you're like the lower back tattoo of the service industry." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "Well, I'm a tough critic. I almost didn't like The Emoji Movie." (Speechless, S02E17)
  • "You can't go to America and start from nothing. That's the lie." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E08)
  • "Hallmark invented Valentine's Day, Walmart invented the Fourth of July, and Arbor Day, as we all know, was invented by Carl's Jr." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "2000 years ago, Jesus Christ was crucified, and now every Easter, people buy millions of dollars worth of chocolate bunnies." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "America is a corporation / And I hate my supportive parents / North Korea is better than America / And I can't pay my student loans." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "I'll never forget where I was when I found out. I was eating a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant in my car. I was so upset, I couldn't even finish it."
    "I lied. I totally finished it. But I felt bad. I think the mayo was expired." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "Oh, no, he tried to talk to me earlier, but I was—"
    "Premeditating a swan murder." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "What's your name again?"
    "You want to sit at the big table, don't you, Cake?" (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "I'd rather be miserable at my job and be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment than follow my dreams and live in a studio apartment." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • Corporate Season Grade: C
  • Channel Zero: Butcher's Block Season Grade: D
  • "Hennessy plus the herb, plus the herb, herb, herb / Yo, I just bought a dinosaur like Nicolas Cage." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "Dude, if it crashes again, I'm gonna crash my foot in your ass." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "56 Nights" (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "You want to go slap some butts?"
    "Nah, but I'll watch." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "You really want to wear all white to a strip club, nigga?" (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "Money is an idea, man. Look, there's a reason that a white dude dressed just like you can walk into a bank and get a loan, and you can't even spend a $100 bill, man. I mean, you need to start acting like you're better than other niggas, and then they'll start treating you better than other niggas."
    "Yeah, 'cause otherwise, you're just another nigga." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "It's Michael Vick." (Atlanta, S02E03)

A computer-generated smart speaker? (Portlandia, S08E09)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


I hope your life is horrible without baseball!

MLB FoodFest is a two-day, indoor festival in New York City that gives fans the opportunity to try dishes from all 30 ballparks, from the Dodgers' lauded Cheeto-Lote to the Mariners' toasted grasshoppers.

On top of the eats, we'll also be keeping your IG feed fed with a hot dog art gallery, massive popcorn pit, and more.

The Yankees' signature dish is an adobo bao?

Lol at the Rockies' dish being a cheeseburger and fries.

This is their Black Panther

I had vowed never to attend another wedding and…I'm attending two weddings this year.

I want to wear something to said weddings that's interesting but won't irk the bride or groom's parents.

Jon: Damn, mariachi suits are expensive.
Jon: You think a mariachi costume is passable?


Jon: 1. Wearing a beige polo to a wedding?
Jon: 2. Assembling a close approximation of that outfit seems arduous.
Jon: 3. Will anyone get the reference? Particularly since I'm not black?


Go Join Lonely Virgil

// Las Vegas, NV

Why does the top of that giant slot machine read "East Lansing" in Michigan State colours?

I'm inside The D on Fremont Street.

Huh. The top of the giant slot machine on its other side reads "Ann Arbor" in Michigan colours.

I google "the d east lansing slot machine."


The business rooms have names like Saginaw and Petosky.

Is The D supposed to be a Michigan-themed hotel and casino? Because…


The D stands for "downtown," and also refers to [majority owner] Derek Stevens' nickname, and Stevens' hometown of Detroit.

So not Michigan-themed, but with a hint of Michigan.

That explains its American Coney Island outpost.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

10. Sperm Bank Demon Fight (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E02)

Honourable Mention

  • Cash Preservation Society (Portlandia, S08E08)
  • Shrek (Saturday Night Live, S43E15)

Stray Observations

  • "The only part of a roast that I like is when you say the nice parts at the end. Maybe I'll just do that."
    "I didn't know I was having brunch with Michael Landon." (Crashing, S02E08)
  • Crashing Season Grade: C
  • ♫: Brockhampton – "Boogie"! (The Mick, S02E16)
  • "Good insights, gentlemen. And that is what it's like to be a woman in today's business world." (Baskets, S03E07)
  • Writing a Greg Berlanti film into a Greg Berlanti television programme (Riverdale, S02E14)
  • "I saw on her Snapchat that she goes to a lot of jam band concerts, so… She likes 11-minute songs! I figure…I'm not as bad as that…" (Alone Together, S01E08)
  • "You use our Netflix so much that all our suggestions are aimed at you. I don't want to watch Broadchurch, Kenneth."
    "Well, you got to give it a chance! It gets really good after the seventh episode!" (Speechless, S02E15)
  • "I always wondered what kind of freaks lived in the apartments above outdoor malls." (Corporate, S01E09)
  • "I can't sell a clever Filipino – even one with a big dick." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E07)
  • "Let's discuss your wants – and my terms." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E07)

(Channel Zero: Butcher's Block, S03E05)

  • "Why you gotta lock in a child?!" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "My name is Peter Savage, but everyone here calls me '35 Savage,' because I'm 35."
    "We're gonna call you '36 Savage' soon." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "Long live fresh…nigga." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • Bobby Shmurda (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "Where my real niggas at?" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "I'm the Prince of Tides, nigga." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "Man, don't get me wrong, it's a funny show, but the way they dive into depression, and especially after what he did to her daughter, I was like, 'Can I even feel bad for this horse anymore?'" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "They got a no chase policy." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • ♫: Flying Lotus – "Coronus, The Terminator" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • The feminist bookstore ladies meet the Oh, Hello guys (Portlandia, S08E08)
  • Top Chef: Colorado Season Grade: C
  • "Well, sketch comedy is great, but at some point, you have to move on, you know?" (Saturday Night Live, S43E15)
  • "What's the main difference between rock and rap?"
    "Uhh, usually skin colour." (Saturday Night Live, S43E15)
  • "Overkill took an Uber." (The Tick, S01E08)
  • "I don't think my life's worth not killing anymore." (The Tick, S01E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


cold pressed nut Mylks

// Las Vegas, NV

A new arena just off the Strip will be a 360-foot-tall sphere with seating for more than 18,000 people for concerts, awards shows and other entertainment events. [source]

Vegas already has five arenas on or near the Strip and is adding a stadium.

Imagine Vegas hosting every March Madness game.

[browsing Las Vegas Magazine's listings for Revues]

Fantasy Fun for singles and couples alike, the seductive revue features 15 numbers full of steamy choreography, powerhouse vocals and high-energy music. Besides bringing out your wildest fantasies to life, Fantasy offers up comic relief, too, with celebrity impersonations by comedian Sean E. Cooper. Luxor, 10:30 p.m. daily, $39-$59 plus tax and fee, 18+. 702.262.4400

Steamy choreography with a side of celebrity impersonations.

"X" Rocks This all-rock topless revue features sexy showgirls dancing to tunes from Muse, Metallica, The Beatles and Alice Cooper. Bally's, 10 p.m. Thurs.-Sun., $47.94-$72.95 plus tax and fee, 21+. 702.777.2782

Sexy topless showgirls dancing to The Beatles. "Come Together"?

Which Muse songs do you think are used? "Supermassive Black Hole" for sure…

"X" Country Giddy up as the "X" Country women in this bare-skinned adult show dance to popular country songs from artists including Tim McGraw, Patsy Cline, Taylor Swift, Garth Brooks, Trace Adkins and Hank Williams Jr. Harrah's, 10 p.m. daily, $47.94- $72.95 VIP plus tax and fee, 18+. 702.777.2782

Why is the rock one 21+ but the country one 18+? Both are topless…

The Nevada Gaming Control Board is testing shitty mobile games in casinos:

Are millennials killing blackjack?

Maria Bandit

// Las Vegas, NV

Dick Vitale is calling the West Coast Conference tournament final? He'll fly west of Kansas for this but not any Pac-12 games?


Thursday & Sunday at 10:30 p.m.

Each week, catch sports blockbusters on the big screen for a unique movie night experience.

Dick Vitale had to experience Glory Road at the Wynn Sports Book before he dies.

There are three unrelated "Public House"s on the Strip and six "The Buffet"s.

Vegas buffet excess is fed to local pigs.

Idea: A half- or third-price Day-Old Buffet. All of the food is Vegas buffet leftovers from the previous day.

Zero Latency

// Las Vegas, NV

Four nights a week!

What is the most money that someone has ever won from a slot machine in an airport?

As per this article:

The largest jackpot ever won at Reno-Tahoe airport happened in 2010, when someone won $10.4 million in a Megabucks machine.

The largest jackpot ever won at McCarran airport was $3.9 million on a Wheel of Fortune slot machine in 2005.

Driver: That's where the shooting happened.
Me: Oh! It's…not adjacent to Mandalay Bay.

Vegas has the chattiest Uber/Lyft drivers.