Chicken Swastika Masala

Previously on Adam Riff™ (2006):

My mother sent me an e-mail regarding Chinese New Year's Day.

On January 28th, from 11 P.M. onwards to Jan 29, 11 P.M., there are certain restrictions that should be observed, to ensure good luck and prosperity in the new year.

You should not wear these colors: tops should not be green, black or pink. Skirts or pants should not be yellow or grey. You should wear these colors: orange or red tops, and brown or blue pants or skirts.

So today, I'm supposed to wear all brown.

Mom: Do you have any brown underwear?
Jon: Uhh…
Mom: Just don't wear white underwear.

I can't stop looking at this Super Bowl photograph.

Consolation prize.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

6. Dirty Dancing (Saturday Night Live, S41E12)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Chicago Fire Island." (Shameless, S06E04)
  • ♫: Atlantic Line – "Voyage Home" (Shameless, S06E04)
  • "I told the officers it slithered off that way, but they think I'm on crack."
    "Are you?"
    "Yeah." (The X-Files, S10E03)

(The X-Files, S10E03)

  • "Smartphones…Is Us!" (The X-Files, S10E03)
  • "I was reminded of this tale because of your suspect's delusion that when the moon appears, he would turn into a werewolf. I'm sorry, I meant 'were-lizard.' The werewolf was my patient on Monday." (The X-Files, S10E03)
  • "I'm assuming that 'Guy Mann' is not a real name." (The X-Files, S10E03)
  • "I didn't even get a chance to shoot blood out of my eyeballs!" (The X-Files, S10E03)
  • "Now I possess the one Darwinian advantage that humans have over animals – the ability to BS my way through anything." (The X-Files, S10E03)
  • "I quickly realized that the only way to be happy as a human was to spend all of your time in the company of non-humans." (The X-Files, S10E03)
  • "Fox, man, you've got to put me out of my misery. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to go to work!" (The X-Files, S10E03)
  • Mulder's ringtone is The X-Files' theme song (The X-Files, S10E03)
  • "Did you commit a murder in here?"
    "A murder? On carpet? Come on." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E11)
  • "Tonight, to celebrate, the Huangs are going to Cattleman's Ranch for dinner. And this time, it's personal. Pan pizzas. You each get one." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E11)
  • Directed by Bruce McCulloch (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E14)
  • "My babies are not stupid. Cagney can write a lowercase L."
    "It's just a line, right?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E14)
  • "She's very good at lip reading."
    "I wouldn't say I'm very good. I mean, deaf people, they're the real talents." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E14)
  • "Is what Tim Olyphant says true?" (The Grinder, S01E13)
  • "We have tickets to the premiere of I Love Trouble." (The People v. O.J. Simpson, S01E01)

(The People v. O.J. Simpson, S01E01)

  • "O.J., please, do not kill yourself in Kimmy's bedroom." (The People v. O.J. Simpson, S01E01)
  • ♫: Nina Simone – "I Shall Be Released" (The People v. O.J. Simpson, S01E01)
  • "I will slap you in the teeth." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E05)
  • "Seize the gap!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E05)
  • "Children play here, you fat cow!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E05)
  • The holes in the wall covered up (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E05)
  • Urinal cakes on the wall (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E05)
  • "Martha, you're embarrassing me in front of the barista." (Baskets, S01E03)
  • "I want to take an ad out in the yellow pages, but I want it to stand out. That's why I want it to be in the white pages." (Baskets, S01E03)
  • "He's an astronaut – eighth in line to go to space, if NASA ever gets off their rear end."
    "Well, good for him. I'm 20th in line to get a fuckin' corn dog tomorrow." (Baskets, S01E03)
  • "I miss the Reagans. They loved to go to space." (Baskets, S01E03)
  • Charo's son (Baskets, S01E03)
  • "I really want to get you a nectarine."
    "No, I don't want a nectarine."
    "Nectarine are good for the hair."
    "Who gives a shit?" (Baskets, S01E03)
  • Watching the 4K demo disc (Baskets, S01E03)
  • "What mental disease is this?" (Baskets, S01E03)
  • "Before we start the rodeo, please join us in the Lord's prayer, brought to you by Bank of America. Bank of America: Too big to fail." (Baskets, S01E03)
  • "I've got a poo disc in the freezer if you want it."
    "Oh my gosh, I thought that was a Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage." (Workaholics, S06E04)
  • Austin Mayor (Portlandia, S06E03)
  • "How did you know that was a hologram?"
    "I mean, I had seen Tupac in Coachella." (Conan, 02-04-16)
  • "That's a kid? He's got a happy trail! Check his pants! Check for pubes!"
    "No, we are absolutely not doing that!"
    "You're gonna let me drown, but you won't just do a simple pubes check?" (Saturday Night Live, S41E12)
  • "It's his month." (Saturday Night Live, S41E12)
  • Jessica Lange opining on Cam Newton (Horace and Pete, S01E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


Victors Frankenstein

College football recruiting parodies itself.

How is Randy Sklar top-billed?

Update: He's the MC.

Eater's Digest: Des Moines, IA

January 2016
alba / zombie burger / tacopocalypyse / buzzard billy's / fong's pizza / palmer's deli and market

Chorizo Fries (Alba)
grana padano, pickled jalapenos

I didn't think I liked chorizo, but these smothered fries were scrumptious.

Crispy Pig Ears (Alba)
cornbread and buttermilk, house hot sauce, coleslaw

These pig ears à la fried chicken were pretty good too.

Bulgogi Masa Fries (Tacopocalypse)
As approved by Guy Fieri. I prefer the masa fries at Otto's Tacos in New York City, and the bulgogi was tough.

Bacon Parfait (Tacopocalypse)
bacon chorizo sundae [bacon chorizo, adobo crema, sour cream, candied bacon] with fried whole jalapeno poppers, fresh corn chips

This, however… Another delectable chorizo dish! Chips and dip of the gods.

The Tacopocalypse Burrito of the Day when I visited was "braised pork, fry bread, greens, and strawberry jam, topped with thyme gravy" – fry bread inside the burrito.

Zombie Burger is a zombie-themed "burger and drink lab."

Tallahassee Shake (Zombie Burger)
vanilla ice cream, twinkie, blended cherries, cherry kool aid powder

The blended Twinkie in this shake, named after Woody Harrelson's character in Zombieland, adds texture.

Fong's Pizza tops pizza with Asian food – Hunan Pork, Sweet and Sour Chicken, Teriyaki Beef, Kung Pao Chicken.

Sesame Chicken Pizza (Fong's Pizza)
sesame sauce, diced chicken, mirepoix, mushroom, and red pepper tossed stir-fry style with mozzarella, topped with green onions and toasted sesame seed

Disappointingly bland.

Despite being Fong's' most popular pizza, I couldn't bring myself to order its Crab Rangoon pizza, featuring surimi.

Raspberry Cheesecake Egg Rolls (Fong's Pizza)
two delicious rolls sprinkled with powdered sugar and served with chocolate syrup

The chocolate syrup was [gak!] Hershey's.


The Walking Ched (Zombie Burger)
breaded and deep fried macaroni and cheese bun, bacon, cheddar cheese, caramelized and raw onion, macaroni and cheese, mayo

Deep-fried mac and cheese bun – with mayo.

The Boomstick (Zombie Burger)
deep fried chili, american cheese, onion, pickle

Deep-fried chili.

Ecto-Muler (Zombie Burger)
24 oz. copper mug, 3 olives rang tang, orange, simple syrup, ginger beer

Goat Cheese and Jalapeño Poppers (Zombie Burger)
with raspberry chipotle sauce

Chinese Cheesesticks (Fong's Pizza)
five mozzarella sticks, in egg roll wrappers, served with marinara

Wasabi Brisket Taco (Tacopocalypse)
Seitan Andouille Taco (Tacopocalypse)


Eton Mess

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I am chuffed to present Backwash, a podcast by Adam Robot and I.

Episode 8:

iTunes link

1. Jon in Chicago / Air Travel
2. Rattails / Squirrel Cognition / Craigslist Personals / Surgical Masks
3. 13 Hours Premiere / The Incident / Air Bud Entertainment / The Revenant
4. 24: Legacy / South Korea / Pot Comedies / The World Dog Awards

recorded on January 17, 2016


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

5. Naughty and Nice (Man Seeking Woman, S02E04)

Stray Observations

  • "It's a social media world out there, kids. It really is. You've got to trend. You've got to post. It's all about the hashtag. Groupon." (Grandfathered, S01E13)
  • "Don't pfff my peril!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E13)
  • "You found me – drinking seltzer in the shadows." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E13)
  • "I don't want to overstay my welcome if that's gonna stress you out."
    "It will, especially with…Mercury…in…retrograde." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E13)
  • Grieco Charlie (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E04)
  • Warhol Frank (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E04)
  • "I want to feel a little bit of sadness coming from your tits." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E04)
  • "I need a seaweed break." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E04)
  • "Santa Claus is coming to town." (Man Seeking Woman, S02E04)
  • "We all can't be florists or dishwashers. Some of us have to be artists." (Baskets, S01E02)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


Knickerbocker Glory

Previously on Adam Riff™ (July 2015):
In less than a year, I have moved someone else from New York City to San Francisco, and then from San Francisco to Los Angeles, packing and unpacking all of his stuff by myself.

While in Iowa, my boss decided to move again, this time into the penthouse of his current building.

Boss Pepe: Jon, you moving me will be your birthday gift to me.


My work staged a film festival this past weekend in Iowa, timed around the caucuses next week.

I spent the bulk of it changing plane tickets for panelists because of stupid Winter Storm Jonas.

"Current hold time is more than two hours."

Demián Bichir and Chris Weitz somehow agreed to be panelists. The former plays Señor Bob in The Hateful Eight. The latter wrote the screenplay for Star Wars: Rogue One.

I was tasked with picking up Demián from the airport.

[checks arrivals monitor] Shit. His flight arrived early.

I try calling him. No answer.

I scan the baggage claim area and spot him chilling alone on airport seating, casually eating an airport market crudité.

He was wearing black skinny jeans.

Another panelist was Maeve Higgins, an Irish comedian whom I had never heard of.

I knew that she flew in from San Francisco, but learned while chatting with her that she was in San Francisco for StarTalk Live at Sketchfest…because she co-hosts StarTalk with Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

How did we book these people?!

Arturo Castro – Jaimé on Broad City – participated in our final panel.

The night before his arrival, I had to rebook his travel completely because his seats were not in first class.

Co-worker Marin: It's not him. It's his management. He just acted in an Ang Lee film… The optics.

Fast forward 24 hours to Saturday night.

The second leg of his flight to New York City on Sunday morning is cancelled. Delta rebooks him on a direct flight arriving on Monday at 11:30, but he has an important meeting on Monday morning that he cannot miss.

I scramble to find a way to get him to New York City by Sunday night.

Okay! Des Moines to Boston via Minneapolis, and then Boston to LaGuardia, with an Acela ticket from Back Bay to Penn Station as a back-up.

The only problem: First class seats are sold out on the flight from Minneapolis to Boston. The best I can do is an aisle seat in coach.

Co-worker Marin: That's fine. He'll understand. He's a chill dude.

Arturo: [while glowering] I have to be in first class on that flight! I have to! It's the longer one!

I kept waiting for him to go, "Nah, I'm just fucking with you," but he never did.

Jeez. It's just two hours and 40 minutes… [grumbles] Back to the drawing board.

[mobile rings]

Guh. Who is calling me at this hour?!

"Hello! This is a callback from American Airlines for…Jonathan Yu."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

4. Baskets Career College (Baskets, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Tina singing basic Spanish (Bob's Burgers, S06E06)
  • Charlie sex (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E03)
  • Drive-through (Baskets, S01E01)

Stray Observations

(Shameless, S06E02)

(Grandfathered, S01E12)

(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E12)

  • "Kase!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E12)
  • Richard Schiff (The Grinder, S01E11)
  • "Seems like you all have a pretty full cast as it is. Maybe you need a funny black guy and a chubby guy with a beard." (The Grinder, S01E11)
  • Meta "To Be Continued" (The Grinder, S01E11)
  • "This is made from the exact same material as a cocaine straw." (Black-ish, S02E13)
  • "Party Mountain" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E03)
    "I DIDN'T CUM IN YOUR BURRITO! I WOULDN'T DO THAT TO YOU!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E03)
  • "You know what? If you guys are already hard, just go ahead of me, and I'll just circle back." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S11E03)
  • "French horn?" (Baskets, S01E01)
  • "Why don't you work at the roast beef sandwich shop?"
    "Because the Arby's doesn't hire clowns. I've told you this." (Baskets, S01E01)
  • "This is from France, and they make scooters better, so I want this one back."
    "All due respect to your scooter, we actually make some pretty good ones here in America."
    "What are you, Lee Greenwood?" (Baskets, S01E01)
  • RT: You'll see a lot of Kirkland products in @BasketsFX by design. It was the simplest brand to clear & Costco got on board easily. (Baskets, S01E01)
  • Chip and Dale (Baskets, S01E01)
  • "Now to sing the National Anthem, from the OJ trial, Kato Kaelin." (Baskets, S01E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You