Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break

Every time I see this, I think, "What is a back pitch?"

While I have learned to live with missing or misused apostrophes, missing commas will forever bother me. They are kinda imperative:

Oxford commas more so:

Why are Pitch Perfect 2 and Rihanna not cross-promoting? You know, "Pitch Better Have My Money."

"Pitch Gonna Laugh So Funny"?

Vance Joy's "Riptide" won the 2014 International Songwriting Competition.

The panel of judges included: Avicii, Newsboys, Jon Secada, The Chainsmokers, Béla Fleck, DMC of Run-DMC, and the general manager of Zanies Comedy Club.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

18. Black Widow: Age of Me (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Gene Belcher – "I Don't Need Music" (Bob's Burgers, S05E17)
  • Holt's multi-step reaction to the pregnancy news (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E20)
  • "Jake, I get it. Philly sucks." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E20)
  • "Greenwich, Connecticut is built on divorced money!" (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • Lou working for Tatsunoko (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • "You should know that his clan took advantage of the gift of hospitality and murdered my ancestors while they slept."
    "The king ordered it!" (Mad Men, S07E11)
  • Limp Bizkit – "Nookie" (Silicon Valley, S02E03)
  • Russ Hanneman = Mark Cuban? (Silicon Valley, S02E03)
  • "Fuck the light show?!" (Veep, S04E03)
  • "Screwed over by The Police. I'm Rodney fuckin' King." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "#everylittlethingshedoesistragic." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "I see splashes of myself in her. I now regret that phrase." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "Ma'am, cheese is on its way. Here's an interim banana." (Veep, S04E03)
  • "You were firing me?" (Veep, S04E03)

(China, IL, S03E04)

  • "And then I turned around, and like a vampire, I shot into space so goddamn fast. It's like a motherfuckin' piece of god sperm waiting to hit a rock and start life." (China, IL, S03E04)
  • "The night we met, I was going to kill you." (Gotham, S01E21)
  • Brothel broth-lol (Gotham, S01E21)
  • Randall Park (Community, S06E08)
  • "I like my sun on the right and my ocean on the left." (New Girl, S04E21)
  • "You need to learn how to stand up for yourself."
    "Do you know how easy that it is for you to say?"
    "No, no, nothing in English is easy for me to say." (Modern Family, S06E21)
  • "Loosey-goosey parenting like that is what made things like James Franco." (Black-ish, S01E21)
  • Sinbad as Neil deGrasse Tyson (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E15)
  • Pound Sign Battle (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E15)
  • Constance Wu (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)
  • "I just farted some coffee." (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)

(Childrens Hospital, S06E07)

  • Weird Al (Childrens Hospital, S06E07)
  • "We should have been drug dealers years ago." (Orphan Black, S03E03)
  • "In the field, there are only two types of prisoners: assets and liabilities. Be an asset, Willard." (Orphan Black, S03E03)
  • RT: With Aidy Bryant as Manny Pacquiao and Jay Pharoah as Manny Machado, "SNL" was determined to show its diversity is a work-in-progress. (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)
  • Wiz Khalifa is hella skinny (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)
  • "It was reported that students in a school district in Tennessee were served meat that was six years old, which raises the question, 'Where's Tyler?'" (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)


Thought I was a spaceman digging out my heart

While driving my eight-year-old niece to Chinese school today, she asked me what my favourite film is. "Texas Chainsaw?"

"Heh. No. You've seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?!"
"No. Is it set on a train?"
"No, you're thinking of Under Siege 2."

I run outside every day, a 90-minute route around my neighbourhood, and sometimes I have to run past this little boy playing outside, who, whenever he sees me, stops whatever he's doing to chase after me and punch my butt.

I don't know why I elicit such a response from him, and while I don't mind playing along — "Ahh! You got me!" — I am subject to him inexplicably chasing after me and punching my butt up to six times during a run – six undodgeable red shells. I have re-routed runs on the fly to avoid dealing with him again.

And the kids he plays outside with, among which are two teenagers, don't react at all to his behaviour.

Blow steam in the face of the beast


While driving my eight-year-old niece to Chinese school today, she began singing a song about poo poo that transitioned into her spewing expletives and giggling.

Despite being an incorrigible cusser, I was taken aback.

Something about expletives coming out of a pre-teen's mouth has always scandalised me. As a 12-year-old, it shocked me to hear fellow 12-year-old Frank say "shit" at the beginning of the film Milk Money, never mind that the first film I ever saw was RoboCop, which was rated X 11 times before receiving an R.

I wish I could remember when I crossed the threshold from "oooh, he said a bad word" to "eh, fuck it." For all the hand-wringing in America over language, "began openly cussing" is not a life milestone that we consciously pass.


"Mike, Killer"

On the White House Correspondents' Association dinner:

1. Imagine the comedy routines of Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, or Scott Walker.

2. I'm surprised that Ellen has never hosted.

3. John Oliver is totally hosting next year.

4. Richard Pryor hosted in 1968, a month after Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act.

5. Who hosts nearer in the future: A black comedian or Jeff Ross?

There is eclectic, and then there is this:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. Football Town Nights (Inside Amy Schumer, S03E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Cersei has offered a lordship to the man who brings her your head."
    "She ought to offer her cunt. Best part of her for the best part of me." (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
  • RT: Darkly amusing edit, from Tyrion in Essos wondering if Cersei will kill all the dwarves in the world, to a decapitated dwarf head being presented to the queen mother. (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
  • "Oh, farts." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "You were my shade! And my pants!" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "Was your mother Jessica Tandy?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "Don't listen to Jane Fonda here." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "You don't have any character; you're just handsome." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "I don't want to be rigid. It makes you old." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "The girl I'm fucking was in the Olympics." (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "You know what they say: 'bros disclose.'" (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "Get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and then I'll go find some hos to prioritize behind you."
    "Are you trying to say 'bros before hos'? (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • The Rose and Crown (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • Mariachi band cliffhanger (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "Also: hair. Ask Marianne about electrolysis." (Veep, S04E02)

(Veep, S04E02)

  • "I just wanted to say a friendly 'hello' in an unfriendly way. Hello." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Catherine, America doesn't like you. It's not that you are unlikable; it's that there's a perception that you are unlikable." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are military service or childbirth." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Is it pronounced 'Sharlize' or 'Charlize'?"
    "Pretty sure it's 'Sharlize.'"
    "Are you sure? Why?"
    "I don't know, man. She's from Africa. That's just how they say 'C-H' in Africa."
    "So that one African country is called 'Shad'?" (China, IL, S03E03)
  • Pony putting a band-aid on her open fracture (China, IL, S03E03)
  • "Can't a woman get in a freakin' mood for one night without the whole world coming to an end?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)
  • "How much this run pay?"
    "After FICA and Social Security?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)
  • "I've e-mailed every former student who's not in prison – or jail. Everyone remember there's a difference."
    "What's the difference?"
    "You go to jail if a cop doesn't like you. They can't send you to prison without knowing you're poor." (Community, S06E07)
  • "Eat your feet!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • The Chinese school teacher (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • "Brian?"
    "Topanga?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: B-
  • "I wonder what that's like, somebody constantly questioning your blackness, just because you misquoted the lyrics to 'Ain't No Fun.'"
    "Why would Nate Dogg sing 'and you even lit my halls'?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
  • "People have been hounding me to watch an O.J. movie?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
  • "They only have my body." (The Americans, S03E13)
  • Suicide note on a Commodore 64 (The Americans, S03E13)
  • RT: Sandra: Let's agree to tell each other everything!
    Philip:  :| (The Americans, S03E13)
  • Paige! (The Americans, S03E13)
  • The Americans Season Grade: B+
  • "There are more bicycles in the Netherlands than people." (The Amazing Race, S26E09)
  • Vince Gilligan, Tom Green, and Lil Jon (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E14)
  • "Would you have a meal of chicken tikka masala with me?"
    "That is a typical food of India, which, of course, is where we both are right now." (Childrens Hospital, S06E06)
  • "This erection's for you, Barb." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E01)
  • "The Motel." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E05)
  • "Mow-Em-$ayin." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E06)

(Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)

  • "Neapolitan Charlie." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
  • Bubbles quoting "Beat It" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
  • "Private Dancer, lower your weapon!" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
  • Bubbles parodying "Tiny Dancer" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
  • Sam wants Swiss Chalet (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
  • Jacob's "Life Without Horses? …I Don't Think So!" shirt (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
  • Trailer Park Boys Season Grade: C-


Burn my lungs and curse my eyes

Remind to use this when Daylight Saving Time ends.

A boy raised from birth to be a hit man begins to recalibrate his moral compass in "Partisan."

Go on…

The movie resembles "Dogtooth" and another recent festival favorite, "The Tribe."

SOLD. Add it to the list!

2015 films I must see:
1. The Wolfpack
2. Prince
3. Doglegs
4. Partisan

The film is set in an unnamed, decaying urban environment, where Gregori (Vincent Cassel) heads what amounts to a cult in an isolated compound. He lives with several women and their children, training the kids for killing missions.

I am Hamm

Story Idea: A hotly anticipated music album leaks, and everyone who listens to the leak dies as soon as they stop listening.

Sketch Idea: Modern Funeral. Selfies with the corpse, obvs. Tweet your respects using the hashtag #roryin5words. Eulogies: 28 things you probably didn't know about Rory, 19 things only childhood friends of Rory will understand. A pre-recorded video is played of Rory reacting to his or her death – "Hey guys…"

NHL Idea: The team that wins the Presidents' Trophy receives a free power play that it can use at any time during the Stanley Cup Playoffs.