Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


43. Brooke does it for the Vine (The Amazing Race, S25E04)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Time for me to get out there and spread my"
    "Legs."
    "Get out there and spread my legs?"
    "Well, either way…"
    "No. Not either way. Only wings." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E03)
  • Gina's countdown technique involves ending with the last names of famous Marks. The final challenge? "On your mark… Get Seth… Rogen!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E03)
  • The first trough victim is Oswald Cobblepot on Gotham (The Walking Dead, S05E01)
  • "I got a beer."
    "Where in the world did you find that?"
    "In the refrigerator.
    "Huh. Must have been left by one of the Mexicans." (The Affair, S01E01)
  • Oswald Cobblepot lost the role of Todd on Breaking Bad to Jesse Plemons (Gotham, S01E04)
  • Siouxsie and the Banshees! (Gotham, S01E04)


Sal Maroni celebrates with a giant steak (Gotham, S01E04)


Josh Reddick bombs Chrisley (WWE Raw, 10-13-14)

  • "Are you just eating a bowl of jelly?" (New Girl, S04E05)
  • "Nothing sadder than a freaky Thursday." (Black-ish, S01E04)
  • "Where are you going?"
    "I don't know. Maybe St. Petersburg, where they have real caramel corn." (American Horror Story, S04E02)


(American Horror Story, S04E02)

  • "Never give power to the big man." (Peaky Blinders, S02E03)
  • "Jewish women, for you, are off the fuckin' menu." (Peaky Blinders, S02E03)
  • "The use of attractive people isn't going anywhere." (Shark Tank, S06E05)
  • John Hodgman! (The Knick, S01E10)
  • "Nothing breaks a man like a good cock punch." (The Knick, S01E10)
  • "I can read left to right, not just up and down." (The Knick, S01E10)
  • Heroin – heh (The Knick, S01E10)
  • The Knick Season Grade: B
  • "Think warm thoughts. Think of a fire."
    "Gah. I thought of a cold fire!" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E11)
  • "The National gets their check." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E11)
  • "Secretary of the Office: I nominate Ellie Kemper." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E11)

#clipoftheweek


When it comes to the suburbs, I'm the original

Steven: this pizza place in san antonio is doing these pizzas for halloween

Steven: so i bought one
Steven: and this is what i got

Jon: it looks like a deformed fetus
Steven: sigh, i know
Steven: i was too tired to be pissed

Steven: what are you gonna be for halloween?
Jon: i'm thinking about being a walrus, but i don't think anyone will get the reference

Jon: i had this idea to rent a claw crane machine, fill it with candy that the claw can't possibly hold, and place it outside my front door

We don't loot, but we get even


#OMGWTFDVD


I know it won an Oscar for 'Best Picture,' but Gladiator seems like such a culturally impactless film for marketers to keep referencing.

"From the director of a film you haven't thought about in years."

"From the director of a film you spottily remember."

It's not like Ridley Scott is Paul Brickman. You have options, including three film classics.

Then again…


Didn't reference Gladiator, didn't perform well at the box office.

Rory: Warner Bros. makes sure to slap a "from the director of 300" on every Zack Snyder film.

Jon: Alas, we only got one "from the director of Troy" before Wolfgang Petersen disappeared.
Rory: "From the director of Platoon and Alexander."


Pints For Prostates

"3 times as many dogs have wine-related names in San Francisco."

I mean… It's like learning that many Alabamians name their dogs after siblings.

100% of the participants in this study are white people.


Heh. I know two Asian Pearls and a Mae.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


41. Hatsune Miku (Late Show with David Letterman, 10-09-14)


Stray Observations

  • "I like tacos! [fart]" (Bob's Burgers, S05E01)
  • "I just want to go home and crawl into bed and have a good long dutch oven cry." (Bob's Burgers, S05E01)
  • "Also, I'm just an uncle so, no biggie." (Bob's Burgers, S05E01)
  • "You embarrassed me in front of Derek Jeter."
    "You embarrassed yourssssself in front of Derek Jeter." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E02)


Young Nucky's teeth (Boardwalk Empire, S05E05)

  • "I, for one, refuse to be ruled by fear."
    "Husband!"
    "Coming dear." (Boardwalk Empire, S05E05)
  • RT: "The Strain put a LOT of effort into disguising Massey Hall as some joint in Tribeca" (The Strain, S01E13)
  • The Strain Season Grade: C+
  • "The Balloonman gon' get ya." (Gotham, S01E03)


Meanwhile, at Wayne Manor… (Gotham, S01E03)

  • The Driver Season Grade: C-
  • "He called a scotch on the rocks a 'sco-ro.'" (New Girl, S04E04)
  • "It looks like a little tiny pigeon's egg."
    "Don't you wanna hatch the bird?" (New Girl, S04E04)
  • "I hate when Schmidt cries. He sounds like a ghost singing 'Hey Ya.'" (New Girl, S04E04)
  • Matador Season Grade: C+
  • "If laughter's the best medicine, then you're grape-flavoured Triaminic." (Modern Family, S06E03)
  • "The nod is on the same primal level as a baby waving 'hi' – as a man scrunching up his face when a woman with a big butt walks by."
    "This is basic stuff."
    "Even the butt thing?"
    "Especially the butt thing. Basic black." (Black-ish, S01E03)
  • Will continuity continue all season? (South Park, S18E03)
  • "Salami vise." (The League, S06E06)
  • "It's Lucky Strike. It's good for you." (American Horror Story, S04E01)
  • Lobster hand shocker (American Horror Story, S04E01)


Meep the Geek (American Horror Story, S04E01)

  • "I once carried out my own personal form of stigmata on an Italian. I pushed his face up against a trench, shoved a six-inch nail up his fuckin' nose, and I hammered it home with a duckboard. It was fuckin' biblical, mate." (Peaky Blinders, S02E02)
  • "I'm standing my ground!" (Black Jesus, S01E10)
  • Black Jesus Season Grade: C


(The Amazing Race, S25E03)

  • Sons of GameStop (Shark Tank, S06E04)
  • "There's the Emotionals, the Foodies, the Hasidics, and Gryffindor." (Saturday Night Live, S40E03)
  • "Dan Cortese." (Saturday Night Live, S40E03)
  • "Here's a joke: GOD." (Saturday Night Live, S40E03)

#clipoftheweek

Fire Walk With Me

Previously on Adam Riff™ (2005):

My mother asked a professional fortune teller to assess my future.

You're best-suited to live in the northwest. Seattle, Oregon, Vancouver. A move to Seattle or anywhere in the northwest would be most beneficial to your future.


Soooo…

I know fortune telling is bullshit, but…



#
[off the 'riffstagram]

Portland has more 24-hour Subway restaurants than any other city I have visited.

I trekked out to a bakery in northeast Portland, and it had closed early so that the staff could go apple picking, because of course.

Ryan: hey, does your hotel have a business center with a printer?
Jon: uhhh
Jon: no
Jon: but it does have complimentary bicycles


If only a Valencia Street ran through Brooklyn in Portland.


Justin Timberlake or a Christian comic book

// U District


// Capitol Hill

A: My brother instituted amber lighting at night. It supposedly helps with circadian rhythm. Thing is, he doesn't, like, dim the lights in his house. No, he and his family all don amber glasses. Even his infant wears a pair.

Use amber-lensed goggles once the sun has gone down. These blue-blocking lenses are highly effective in reducing the effects of blue light exposure, and in most cases completely eliminate the short-wavelength radiation necessary for nocturnal melatonin suppression. These goggles have been shown to improve sleep quality as well as mood, simply by blocking blue light and simulating physiologic darkness. [source]

Evidently, amber glasses are a thing.


// Bellevue

Elizabeth and I are descending on an escalator after seeing Gone Girl.

Elizabeth: That film traumatized me.

The woman in front of us gives Elizabeth a knowing look.

Elizabeth: Did you see it too?
Woman: [nods] Left Behind?


// Belltown

Jon: What even is this place?
Elizabeth: It's like the Hollywood of Seattle.


// Capitol Hill

Tony: Keys for you.
Jon: [studies key fob]
Tony: It's a pussy pendant. Jane made it.
Jon: She talked about making these the last time I was in Seattle, but I didn't expect her to go through with it.

RARE PUSSY STONE.


// West Seattle

Jon: Okay, so…

Belltown = Hollywood
Capitol Hill = West Hollywood
Aurora = North Hollywood
West Seattle = Santa Monica
Fremont = Venice
Ballard = Culver City
Bellevue = Beverly Hills
Mercer Island = Bel Air
U District = Westwood
Green Lake = Echo Park
Greenwood = Silver Lake
Queen Anne = West Adams
Pioneer Square = Downtown Los Angeles, Olvera Street
SoDo = Downtown Los Angeles, San Julian Street
Bremerton = Riverside
Everett = Long Beach
Newcastle = Ladera Heights

Elizabeth: And Renton is Compton.


// Bitter Lake