Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

39. Vancouver, BC (Nathan For You: A Celebration, 09-21-17)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Potato soup (The Deuce, S01E02)
  • ♫: "Tears in Heaven" (Vice Principals, S02E01)
  • "It's almost like a Chinese buffet, but, you know, classier." (Vice Principals, S02E01)
  • "How dare you put ink of me onto your back of eating shit and holding his hand that way!" (Vice Principals, S02E01)
  • "And when I find that son of a bitch, I'm gonna shoot him in his dick."
    "Or her, 'cause it could be a girl."
    "Then she shall be shot in her privates too." (Vice Principals, S02E01)
  • "Tell Daphne to run a 199 on a possible Dolittle." (Rick and Morty, S03E08)
  • ♫: 331Erock – "Rick and Morty Meets Metal" (Rick and Morty, S03E08)
  • "People are like nature's apps." (The Good Place, S02E01)
  • "Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet. That's why Crocs have holes in them." (The Good Place, S02E01)
  • "What the fork, man?"
    "I know that book."
    "Is that some kind of nerd pick-up line?" (The Good Place, S02E01)
  • "Now it seems the collective rage and suspicion of this community has a focus, and it's a woman whose critics are calling 'a lesbian George Zimmerman.'" (American Horror Story, S07E03)
  • "His name is Mr. Guinea."
    "Sweetie, come on, you know we don't like cisnormative pet names." (American Horror Story, S07E03)
  • "Stop saying 'sorry' – for anything. That makes you nothing. Everything is somebody else's fault from now on. Do you understand? You want to be somebody? You want to matter? Then you make the world wrong." (American Horror Story, S07E03)
  • "Sir, try to calm down."
    "No, I can't calm down! You need to calm up! You need to get to my level!" (American Horror Story, S07E03)
  • "Listen, when I ask you if you wish you could have all your dinner ingredients delivered to your door, say 'yes.' I mean, I know that seems obvious, but for some reason, Janeane Garofalo said 'no.'" (You're the Worst, S04E04)
  • "Jack FM, like if the worst kid in detention had sex with radio station." (You're the Worst, S04E04)
  • Friday Night Lights (Channel Zero, S02E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Rick and Morty


Buttcon Limited

On my flight to Toronto, someone sitting in front of me watched the Robert De Niro Bernie Madoff film twice.

// Toronto, ON


Every time I visit Canada, it seems like its credit card technology has advanced some more past America's. They were inserting when we were still swiping, and now as we're inserting, they've moved on to tapping. Just tap the card reader!

One night, I didn't have coins or tokens on me, so I had to pay streetcar fare with a credit card, but the machine only accepted cards you tap, of which I have none.

I could have used Apple Pay, but my iPhone was dead.

Adam Robot: Phone payment is the future, not plastic cards.
Jon: Maybe phone payment is the metric future?

Entertainment District

I got sick while in Toronto and bought store-brand combination DayQuil/NyQuil – green and white tablets.

One day, I almost dozed off during two film screenings and couldn't understand why. Why was I sleepy after a good night's sleep?

The following day, I realized that I had been ingesting night tablets in daytime. The white tablets were night tablets and the green tablets were day tablets.

Why would you colour day tablets green?!


Gorillas don't do that, bitches do that

John Larroquette was cheaper than old age make-up.

Now I want to see Night Court with Bobby Moynihan as Dan.

Oh, Jaleel White plays Bobby Moynihan's best mate?

Now I want to see Family Matters with Bobby Moynihan as Carl.

Sitcom Idea: Did Me, Myself & I Do That??? – Same Carl and Steve, different ages.

Young Urkel > Young Sheldon.

Coke Zero re-branding as Coke Zero Sugar is like when the frontman of Papa Roach changed his name from Coby Dick to Jacoby Shaddix.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

38. Truth or dare? (Better Things, S02E01)

Stray Observations

  • ♫: Vince Staples – "Big Fish" (Insecure, S02E08)
  • ♫: TOBi – "Hidden Fences" (Insecure, S02E08)
  • ♫: Opening with Tyler, the Creator and closing with Frank Ocean (Insecure, S02E08)
  • Insecure Season Grade: B-
  • Preacher Season Grade: C-
  • "That's the pistol Nicole used in Cold Mountain." (American Horror Story, S07E02)
  • "Lesbians! We're under attack!" (American Horror Story, S07E02)
  • "He even went to Standing Rock with Matt McGorry. They got into a fight over who's more woke."
    "It's Matt McGorry, right?"
    "Obviously." (You're the Worst, S04E03)
  • ♫: Nick Monaco – "Lovers Do" (You're the Worst, S04E03)

(You're the Worst, S04E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Rick and Morty


Sleep Well Beast

On August 8, I received this e-mail:

It links to a screenshot I posted on Adam Riff™ on March 19, 2014 of a spam e-mail that amused me.

I ran Vivek's e-mail by McKern and he sent me a wanking GIF, so I felt okay ignoring it.

But Vivek persisted, leaving – through Labour Day – increasingly agitated comments daily on said March 2014 Adam Riff™ post.

For example:

A First Information Report (FIR) is a written document prepared by police organizations in Bangladesh, India, and Pakistan when they receive information about the commission of a cognisable offence.

If your claims are true, I wondered, shouldn't you be trying to imprison whoever's defaming and abusing your sister? Or whoever sent the e-mail I screenshot?

Mark as spam.

Today, my domain registrar forwarded me this e-mail:


While I am adamant against deleting anything from Adam Riff™'s archive, even puerile stuff from college that could and probably has cost me job opportunities, I fucking can't with Vivek/Agni any longer.

So: I replaced the screenshot in question with one with all contact information blurred out and a stock photo of an Indian girl as its thumbnail.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

37. Ball and Glove (Twin Peaks, S03E17)

Stray Observations

  • "You've gone soft in your old age."
    "Not where it counts, buddy." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "Catch you…with my death bag." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "One for the grandkids." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "It's a good thing we made so many sandwiches." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • "See you at the curtain call." (Twin Peaks, S03E17)
  • Disposing of guns in a deep fryer (Twin Peaks, S03E18)
  • The woman in Laura Palmer's house is played by the woman who owns the house in real life (Twin Peaks, S03E18)
  • Twin Peaks Season Grade: B
  • "I'm-a spray his face with cum eggs." (Insecure, S02E07)
  • Garrett's buttery ranch and caramel crisp popcorn (Insecure, S02E07)
  • "Must've been a sale on denim." (Insecure, S02E07)
  • Más Malo (Insecure, S02E07)
  • "I wasn't staring at it, Cassidy. I was noticing it."
    "Noticing the floor finger without a wonder in the world." (Preacher, S02E12)
  • "That's a pretty far-fetched theory, Cassidy, even for you."
    "I'm telling you, mate. If you watch that movie again, you'll see. Tyler Durden does exist."
    "You're saying the twist to Fight Club is there is no twist?"
    "How do you figure that?"
    "Because nobody listens to ugly people, padre. If you're gonna inspire an anti-materialistic organization with worldwide designs on erasing global debt, you gotta look like Brad Pitt."
    "Well, hold on now. I wouldn't exactly call Edward Norton ugly."
    "…instrumental in 37 covert Dutch ops just this last year alone."
    "Dutch ops?"
    "Oh, yeah!"
    "Well, the Dutch foreskin plant must be booming."
    "Every country doesn't have their own foreskin plant. The Netherlands are the leading consumers in the foreskin market – 10 to 1. They buy so much of the shite. Half goes to waste, so they end up they sneaking the excess into toothpaste and into baby formula. Like how Brad Pitt, how he sells the fat lady soap to rich ladies."
    "You mean Edward Norton?"
    "No, I mean Brad Pitt, because he does exist. Look, the point is, the Netherlands are like a sexy Tyler Durden and someone's gotta stop them."
    "Come on, Cass. That can't be true."
    "Widespread reports – substantiated reports, to be honest."
    "Well, if it makes it taste better, then what's the harm in it?"
    "It's foreskin into baby formula!" (Preacher, S02E12)
  • "Try some of this."
    "What? Too much Neosporin?" (Preacher, S02E12)
  • Dan Quayle book (Preacher, S02E12)
  • Evan Peters humping his television (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "Oh, go to hell, Huffington Post! Fuck you, Nate Silver!" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "And who's at 40,000 votes and counting? Jill Stein!" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "Why is wrong with CNN for not giving us a trigger warning before they announced the results?" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • Evan Peters with blended cheese puffs on his face (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "There is nothing more dangerous in this world than a humiliated man." (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "When I got into the booth, I couldn't do it. I tried! You know that I did! But as much as I hate him, I didn't trust her!"
    "But Jill Stein?" (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • "Proudest moment of my life is when Lena Dunham retweeted me." (American Horror Story, S07E01)
  • ♫: Esther Holt – "What You Know" (You're the Worst, S04E01)
  • ♫: The Cranberries – "Zombie" (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • "It was just a long con to prank me by someone who I did wrong – probably Jason Mraz for when I called him a fedora-wearing diarrhea." (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • "I could read people like a deck of cards, and you're holding the Q of clovers." (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • ♫: Barenaked Ladies – "One Week" (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • "She Canada-rapped at me." (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • ♫: Caveboy – "Home Is Where" (You're the Worst, S04E02)
  • ♫: Lee Moses – "California Dreaming" (Snowfall, S01E10)
  • Snowfall Season Grade: C
  • "I put all of the death metal CDs on one shelf, from the simple bands like Obituary and Cannibal Corpse on the left, to melodic and technical death in the middle, followed by death/black and grind/death and death cross-overs, and then I put the industrial death, folk death, and barely death at the end. And then, the next shelf was for black metal through the whole Norwegian scene, like Mayhem and Burzum, through the un-black, and then the not-really-black-but-sorta-fits, like Cradle of Filth." (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E04)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Twin Peaks
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Rick and Morty