Stick with me and you'll be farting through silk

The world is a vampire.

Steven: i need cool 80s action stars
Steven: obscurer the better
Steven: my brother is getting married and his bachelor party theme is 80s action stars
Jon: sonny landham
Jon: michael dudikoff
Steven: a ninja costume would be easy to get
Jon: oh
Jon: be vasquez in aliens
Steven: that's a really great one actually

Steven: what are you gonna be for halloween?
Jon: probably elliot alderson
Jon: easy, zeitgeist-y…
Jon: i wish i had time to invest in being mason verger or a war boy
Jon: maybe for thanksgiving

Adam Riff™ Karaoke Playlist – August 31, 2015

1. White Zombie – "More Human Than Human"
2. Bob Dylan – "Ballad of a Thin Man"
3. Groove Armada – "At the River"
4. New Found Glory – "It's Been a Summer"
5. The Righteous Brothers – "Unchained Melody"


Made in America Festival
Meek Mill (6:30-7:30 PM)
Modest Mouse (8:30-9:30 PM)
Beyoncé (10:30 PM)

Lulz at making the Beyhive endure Modest Mouse for a good spot.

The receptions for Meek Mill and Modest Mouse could both be disastrous.

Doc Bresler's Cavity Busters

Previously on Adam Riff™ (August 2014):

Pizzeria Beddia's hours are wonky, its menu is limited, it's cash only, you can only order in person, and you have to wait about 30 minutes for your order, as Mr. Beddia makes pizzas to order and only has one oven.

I'm a poor judge of pizza – all pizza satisfies me – but Jesse said that Pizzeria Beddia's pizza was the best pizza that he's ever eaten in Philadelphia, and he's a native.


My train gate at Union Station is always opposite this store.

AMERICA! has a 25-year track record as a leading, destination-themed specialty retailer. [source]

We offer home décor and our exclusive collection of Commander-in-Chief® and First Lady® merchandise. [source]


"I can't keep calm, I'm a computer science…" You can't keep calm because you're studying computer science? What?

That's the second person I've seen today wearing a "keep calm/computer science" shirt.

Jon: Heh. The house across the street from yours… 1738.

Drew: I'm chuffed to bits to have air conditioning again. Every soul in this house was going mad. Michelle and I fought about a washcloth earlier today.

Air conditioning is on? Is it under 20 mattresses?

Drew: I was worried about my kombuchas spoiling.

Jon Wilcox is making his own ice creams, Drew is making his own kombuchas – I feel so un-artisanal.

Drew: Jesse and I are joining a Dungeons and Dragons group.
Jon: [pause]

Jon: You know, when you first identified yourself as a nerd to me, I was unconvinced, but then you go do something like this.

Drew: You ever play Dungeons and Dragons?
Jon: No.
Drew: I played when I was in fifth grade. Then other interests/pursuits drew me away – sports, having sex with girls… But I've been there, done that now, so…
Jon: Circle of life.

Drew: I like how you got to try "the best pizza in America" and just shrugged.

Pity this Dolph Lundgren-looking gay dude stuck watching Hard Knocks with us while we wait for Jesse to arrive.

Jon: "I'm gonna pair this burger with an ice-cold Budweiser"? Your friend is just asking for grief.

Jon: That patty is absurd.

Drew: What's the matter?
Jesse: I, uhhh, used to be fuck buds with our server.

Drew: So what do you think of this Asian cuisine, Jon?
Jesse: I'll tell you what he thinks – [shrugs]

Drew: I wonder if E.B. is working at Abe Fisher tonight.
Jesse: Shit, if he's tending bar, we won't make it past Abe Fisher tonight.

Drew: E.B. is an interesting chap. He's visited all seven continents.

Jesse: I'm not keen on getting E.B.'d tonight.
Jon: E.B.'d?
Jesse: "Enabled blackout," if you will.

We enter Abe Fisher with trepidation, aaaand….E.B. is NOT the bartender.

Drew: What's that game you like with diving guys and little girls?
Jesse: What?
Drew: You know, diving guys and little girls in outfits…
Jesse: Oh. BioShock.


Drew: We love a good Dateline murder show.

Nick: One of my employees wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons and tried to join an all-gay D&D group, but they wouldn't accept him because he wasn't gay.

Drew: How do you find people who are passionate about butchery?

Drew: You down to go to a cigar bar next?
Jon: Sure.
Jesse: Oh, but if E.B.'s not at Abe Fisher, he's probably working at Ashton. I'm not sure we should press our luck.

E.B.: The human Whammy.

Jesse is "Philadelphia's best bartender"?!

Drew: Have you seen the Jurassic Park one?
Jon: No…?

Jon: The A.V. Club commenters don't bother you?
Molly: Naw. A.V. Club comments are nothing. My personal phone number was attached to gossip columns I wrote for the Daily News. Strangers would call me in the middle of the night, assuming I wouldn't answer.

Drew: If Toro is chilling on the bed in the spare bedroom, feel free to kick him off/out.

I finish brushing my teeth and the dog – a large, pitbull breed – is indeed chilling on the bed. I shrug and lie down to his left.

I wake up in the middle of the night to find myself spooning the dog.

Drew: This throwback hip-hop radio station plays so much Ja Rule.

I'm buying a vacuum cleaner with Philadelphia's best bartender.

Jesse: I'm gonna pair this vacuum with an ice-cold Budweiser.

Jon: ""?
Drew: It's an '80s-themed "escape the room" attraction. Some children beta-tested it and were stumped by a VHS cassette, which you're supposed to play in a VCR.

Michelle: Thanks for reminding me to cancel Amazon Prime. I signed up for the free trial because I desperately wanted a compost bin.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

35. The Ballad of Ice-T (Rick and Morty, S02E05)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "If Kendall Jenner can run a fucking company, so can we." (Ballers, S01E10)
  • John Cena and The Rock both showed their butts on camera this summer (Ballers, S01E10)
  • Ballers Season Grade: F
  • "You people haven't heard of The-Dream?" (Rick and Morty, S02E05)
  • "Jews rule! …Nobody? Okay, tough church." (Rick and Morty, S02E05)
  • "Hi, folks. Head priest Vagina." (Rick and Morty, S02E05)
  • "Can you fly a Black Hawk?"
    "Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut?"
    "Uhhh, I'm…not sure?"
    "Exactly." (Rick and Morty, S02E05)
  • "The heads disqualified Vagina!" (Rick and Morty, S02E05)

(WWE Tough Enough, S06E10)

  • Directed by Ti West (Scream, S01E09)
  • "You did not see George Zimmerman at a Dave and Busters!" (The Carmichael Show, S01E02)
  • "You touched my dick." (Key and Peele, S05E08)
  • "His name is 'Ace Shrift.' It is an anagram for 'catfisher.'"
    "You know that your name is an anagram for 'farce shit,' right?" (Review, S02E05)
  • "I did an image search on" (Review, S02E05)
  • "You punched the money!" (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
  • "You see how white people treat you?"
    "Shut the fuck up, man."
    "There's still one in the room." (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
  • "What 'sanctimonious' mean?"
    "White." (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
  • "Next up, Fresh Air with Terry Gross and her guest, homosexual David Sedaris. He's talking about his new gender-neutral version of The Mikado." (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
  • "Thought she was sanctimonious and white."
    "Turns out she was sanctimonious and black."
    "There's got to be a word for that."
    "Yeah, 'reverend.'" (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)

(Race to Escape, S01E06)

  • Race to Escape Season Grade: B
  • "When life becomes maddeningly polite, think about me. Think about me, Will. Don't worry about me." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "Will, was it good to see me?" (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "I'd pack my bags if I were you, Bedelia. Meat's back on the menu." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • RT: The highlight of our gag reel is Raul Esparza in that makeup doing Fire Marshal Bill (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "Do please tell Frederick if you see him, I wish a speedy convalescence, and I hope he won't be very ugly." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "You died in my kitchen, Alana, when you chose to be brave. Every moment since is borrowed. Your wife, your child, they belong to me. You made a bargain for Will's life, and then I spun you gold." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "My compassion for you is inconvenient, Will." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "Save yourself, kill them all." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • Siouxsie Sioux wrote an original song for the finale (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • Hannibal Season Grade: B+


Buying goodwill in hotel lobbies

Previously on Adam Riff™:
My nine-year-old nephew discovered Magic: The Gathering this year.

Said nephew's 10th birthday is approaching, and I promised him Magic cards for his birthday gift.

Jon: Which cards do you want?
Nephew: How large is your budget?
Jon: [pause]

Jon: Make a list of all the cards you want.


I received a call last Monday while in Washington, D.C.

J: Hey, when are you scheduled to fly home from New York City?
Jon: Next Monday.
J: Can you fly to Los Angeles instead? I need you here.
Jon: For how long?
J: Indefinitely? When is TIFF? Can you fly to Toronto from Los Angeles?
Jon: What? No. I can't be on the road for five weeks straight! I only packed for one week.

I negotiated my time in Los Angeles down to "until Labor Day weekend."

Last Wednesday while in Washington, D.C….

Jon: Hey, what's your wi-fi network?
Jon Wilcox: "BD's Mongolian WiFi."
Jon: Oh, heh. That's why my phone has been asking for the password to "BD's Mongolian WiFi" all night. I thought it was a bug. "I don't recall passing a BD's Mongolian Grill today…"

There are no Panda Expresses in China, but there is a BD's Mongolian Grill in Mongolia.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

34. The Great Red Dragon bites Chilton's lips off (Hannibal, S03E12)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Humans Season Grade: D
  • Maalox and Stoli (Show Me a Hero, S01E02)
  • "Shut up, Hamurai. Shut up, Amish Cyborg. What is this, '90s Conan?" (Rick and Morty, S02E04)
  • "AIDS!" (Rick and Morty, S02E04)
  • "My dick got chopped off. Like gristle off a Thanksgiving turkey. I got a gristle dick." (Key and Peele, S05E07)
  • RT: "The 1st, clear Pulp Fiction reference in tonight's Mr Robot was cool. The 2nd, less obvious one (Elliot's line on platform) was phenomenal" (Mr. Robot, S01E09)
  • "Where Is My Mind?" – heh (Mr. Robot, S01E09)
  • Mall store name: Warm Subject (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E27)
  • Matt Besser's Bjôrk (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E27)
  • "Is Hannibal in love with me?" (Hannibal, S03E12)
  • "You are the Devil himself, bound in the pit."
    "And that makes you God, Jack."
    "Yes, it does."
    "All gods demand sacrifices." (Hannibal, S03E12)


It's a small world after all

In the latter months of my time living in Chicago with Jord and Jon Wilcox, Jord began making videos with this group of local comedians, and I didn't think much of it. Then I retreated back to Silicon Valley, and…

Jon Wilcox: It's wild that T.J. Miller, Kumail, and Thomas Middleditch used to hang out in my living room.

I befriended Jord and Jon Wilcox via their E/N website, and I befriended Ben via his music blog.

While Ben drove me to Jon Wilcox's flat in Washington, D.C….

Jon: Ishmail? From [the websites] Punogre/Armegro? How do you know him?
Ben: He caught me DJ-ing, tweeted at me, and we subsequently became friends. I stayed with him in Los Angeles once.
Jon: Huh.

I type this from Philadelphia in the spare bedroom of Drew's house. I befriended Drew via his blog.