9. What Is Escrow? (Portlandia, S05E08)
- 10-foot-tall Ralph Macchio (New Girl, S04E17)
- Microhouse (Portlandia, S05E08)
- Mr. Riot Films (Saturday Night Live, S40E14)
"Maybe you're the only one that can help her and I just lose."
"I am the only one who can help her, because I have apple sauce, and we all win."
"I hate apple sauce. My mom used to make me eat foods I didn't like to make me more manly – salmon patties, apple sauce, and onions. She was a very confused woman who tried her damnedest." (The Walking Dead, S05E11)
"What are you supposed to be?"
"I'm Gordon Freeman."
"And he's like, what, a mailman from the future?"
"No! He's one of the most popular video game characters of all time. He revolutionized first-person shooter games because you so rarely saw or heard him, you could better imagine yourself in the game."
"Wait, so your idea of a fun gay is a character with so little personality, he's basically nothing." (Looking, S02E06)
"Hey, you're a social media guy, right?"
"Yeah yeah yeah. I have 3300 Tumblr followers."
"Isn't that just for porn?"
"No. What? Well, it's not… It's not not for porn." (Looking, S02E06)
- "I love your Mega Man costume." (Looking, S02E06)
- Music: Jungle – "Drops" (Looking, S02E06)
- Jennifer Hudson singing a song from Smash (The 87th Academy Awards)
- "You know the difference between us? I don't see the nobility in this job. I see a loaded, lopsided game, full of people justifying their cynicism as a higher calling. It's street fighting in wigs, that's all." (Broadchurch, S02E08)
- Broadchurch Season Grade: C
- RT: "Why would gouging out one eye stop their plans?" (Gotham, S01E17)
- "Smoke on the Water [Butthole Version]" (Better Call Saul, S01E04)
"My dad was about to stumble into the biggest restaurant craze of the mid-90s."
"Fajitas! Orlando can't get enough utility-grade skirt steak delivered in a sizzling skillet."
"No way. No way white people will eat meat out of a pan."
"Yes way. Yes way all day. You bring them tortillas, veggies, and steak, and they assemble it themselves. It's like an edible IKEA chair."
"Or Legos you can eat." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
- "Why do they put the classifieds so close to the comics? I keep getting distracted by the misfortunes of Cathy. None of those swimsuits are right, Cathy. None of them." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
- "Come on. Let's celebrate. Hey boys, go ahead. Crank up the AC to low." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
- RT: "The 9 to 5 videogame was developed but never released (by 20th C Fox Games)" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E06)
- "I need to walk out of the MasterChef Junior kitchen with that trophy more than I need to do anything else in my life." (MasterChef Junior, S03E08)
- MasterChef Junior Season Grade: D
(New Girl, S04E17)
"Ugh. I feel like Brenda when Kelly dated Dylan…or the other way around."
"Now I know those are the characters from the original 90210, but that's about my ceiling. Dylan… Was his nickname the Peach Pit? Because I remember… I remember that being a whole thing."
"I'm sorry. I'm a little wound up."
"You should be wound up, because the Peach Pit used to be yours, but now Brenda want a slice. Everybody trying to get a slice of that Peach Pit." (New Girl, S04E17)
"How many men you think we've killed? Between the three us, you figure we've got…a hundred?"
"That sniper guy said he got 255 all by his lonesome. But, you know, take that with a grain of salt, since he was a Seal." (Justified, S06E06)
"How come he had your card on him?"
"He's my realtor." (Justified, S06E06)
- "You know where I think you went wrong? You hired a bunch of mercs 'cause they look the shit in jungle fatigues. Turns out, they know killing, but they don't know crime." (Justified, S06E06)
- "Wonderful things can happen when you sow seeds of distrust in a garden of assholes." (Justified, S06E06)
- "That's the whole point of thrash – gotta be loud enough to drive everything else out of your head." (Justified, S06E06)
- RT: "Aw Choo-Choo, I thought you were going out by your namesake and then they pulled the rug out" (Justified, S06E06)
- Jean-Ralphio champagne (Parks and Recreation, S07E12)
(Parks and Recreation, S07E12)
- Parks and Recreation Season Grade: B-
- "Hakeem got a thing for the ladies / The ladies got a thing for the Hakeem." (Empire, S01E08)
- "The best always goes last." (Empire, S01E08)
- "The joys of being the son of a black man." (Empire, S01E08)
"Don't mess with me, Cookie. I'm not one of your jailbird mates, okay?"
"I wish you were. You probably would've made a good bitch for me. You look like you got a long tongue." (Empire, S01E08)
- "Adam's Apple is like the balls of the throat." (Black-ish, S01E15)
"I've got bad news."
"Kim Kardashian stopped messing with black guys?"
"Zoe Saldana stopped messing with white guys?" (Black-ish, S01E15)
"It's just science. The dark is the absence of photons. That's it."
"Wait, so there's no photons?!"
"Where did the photons go?! Did they go into me? Oh God, I'm full of photons!" (Black-ish, S01E15)
- "Your breath smells like…like slavery!" (Black-ish, S01E15)
- Henry asking how Mrs. Beeman is (The Americans, S03E05)
- Elizabeth crushing a man with a car (The Americans, S03E05)
- "Now he's doing that thing where he pretend to get a text." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E07)
"There, now that's not so hard, is it?"
"So, do you guys do phrasing, or…?" (Archer, S06E08)
- "Sorry I tried to spit-roast your mom." (Archer, S06E08)
Steve Buscemi (Portlandia, S05E08)
- All of the art collection gags in the first scene (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
- "I'm your biggest fan, Jay Z. I switched to Samsung because of you." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
- "Now my butler Memphis Bleek will be here in exactly one minute to pick me up." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
- "Et tu, Memphis Bleek?" (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E07)
- Detour: Feed each other ramen in front of a blowing fan? (The Amazing Race, S26E02)
- How much Little Caesars do contestants eat during filming? (King of the Nerds, S03E06)
(King of the Nerds, S03E06)
- Burton is a eunuch? (Banshee, S03E08)
- Why is the French Quarter so deserted? (Banshee, S03E08)
- Home Improvement gags (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E08)
- "Now, what's the matter? You usually only make that face when someone's trying to explain Kwanzaa." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
"Have you ever heard of civet coffee?"
"Oh, that's what this is?"
"Not exactly. This has passed through the intestines of a former child star. Even better. It has the special kind of bitterness that only child stars can conjure up. It's rich, like your parents, and dark, like the people you pushed out of this neighbourhood." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
- "Cromuffbabkasant." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
- "Excuse me. Apatow royalty coming through." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)
"Oh, no. He's going to do something horrible to himself."
"Oh, good lord. He's going to watch an original show on Amazon Prime." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E02)