Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

4. Nola vs. Burton (Banshee, S03E03)

A Fight Scene of the Year nominee.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "I've never had a taco." (Worst Cooks in America, S06E03)
  • "My favorite food is Hamburger Helper – with chicken." (Worst Cooks in America, S06E03)
  • "They may have female genitalia, but those lesbians are The Man." (Shameless, S05E02)
  • "I want to see the burning man!" (Shameless, S05E02)
  • The butler looks like Bomani Jones (Gotham, S01E12)
  • "In modern America, touching in public is quite permitted. Also warrants the expression 'get a room.'" (Sleepy Hollow, S02E13)
  • "Fat Chance, when we started, you had no control over your powers."

    "See this? Totally random."
    "Nonsense. This is a door to time and space. Where it goes is up to you. You must become Fat Choice." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)
  • "I hench for no man." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)
  • "Nobody but spies play baccarat." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)

(Parks and Recreation, S07E03)

  • "Zach! Camp Wamapoke! You got a boner!" (Parks and Recreation, S07E03)
  • "The Somebody's Daughter Dancers." (Parks and Recreation, S07E03)
  • "Game of Thrones is on tonight! It's the series finale! Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow! Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails."
    "Look, it makes sense if you read the books." (Parks and Recreation, S07E04)
  • "Never really developed a taste for tequila. Kind of hard to understand how you make a drink out of something like that. Sharp, inhospitable. Same reason I never understood the fascination with the artichoke. Now bourbon is easy to understand. Tastes like a warm summer day." (Justified, S06E01)
  • "You need to be smart."
    "What I need is a $6 blow job. A smarter move I cannot imagine." (Justified, S06E01)
  • Swedish songwriters – heh (Empire, S01E03)
  • "What is this?"
    "This is Gus. He's a private detective that I hired."
    "You did what?"
    "He ain't cheating on you…" (Empire, S01E03)

(Best New Restaurant, S01E01)

(Workaholics, S05E02)

  • "No one gives a shit about bloody Cole Porter." (American Horror Story, S04E13)
  • American Horror Story Season Grade: D+
  • "My cock ring is sliding off."
    "Why my father is talking to me with a cinch around his penis is beyond my grasp." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Can I get a drink?"
    "Go ask one of the other ones."
    "What other ones?"
    "The other ones. The bird lady, the troll man." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Can I get a drink, please?"
    "No, not now. Ask one of the other ones. The dirty one or the gay one." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "What are some of the things we could talk about?"
    "Creatine shits." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Cowboys hate teachers. You know, cowboys are independent thinkers who like to learn for themselves." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Let's just keep it simple. Let's just start with our names."
    "Hi, ladies. I'm Frak. Shit!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Ignition (Remix)," "Return of the Mack," "No Scrubs" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "I'll just masturbate." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E02)
  • "She hated the text. She's never going to respond. We have to save face. We have to pretend we were just kidding. Text 'JK.' Text 'JK'!" (Man Seeking Woman, S01E02)

(The Taste, S03E07)

  • The Taste Season Grade: C
  • "You have to try this. Hot cocoa, dark creme de cacao, hint of crème de menthe, and peppermint schnapps. I call it a 'peppermint patty.'" (Archer, S06E03)
  • "We head out at dawn."
    "And that's A.M.?"
    "As opposed to…?"
    "P.M. Dawn?"
    "'Set Adrift on Memory Bliss.' Come on, buddy." (Archer, S06E03)
  • "I have kind of a weird bucket list."
    "Number three: Bang Joe Frazier."
    "[sigh] Really regret sharing that with you." (Archer, S06E03)

(Portlandia, S05E03)

  • "All men like Brigitte Nielsen." (Portlandia, S05E03)

(Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)

The Outkast one is Out Kasserole (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)

  • "Make 'Em Say Uhh" reference (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)
  • "I have many unique skills, including making the Predator noise." (King of the Nerds, S03E01)

(Banshee, S03E03)

  • Mile 69 – heh (Banshee, S03E03)
  • "I am Associate Professor X."
    "Wait a minute. Your name is X, as in the letter 'X'?"
    "E-C-K-S. My parents named me after their favourite film character, Jeremiah Ecks, from Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
  • "They should come out with a video game that's just stuff black people do."
    "Yeah, like a whole level to see who can tuck their shirt in their drawers and sag their pants the best."
    "What would the boss level be?"
    "Sell cocaine for at least five years." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
  • "If I get mad at a little person… What I do is I just throw a big sombrero on top of them and then put tortilla chips in there. And I make them walk around a party with a sombrero full of chips." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
  • "You need Jesus."
    "I need Jesus and a can of ginger ale." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E10)
  • The Eric Andre Show Season Grade: A-


2014 Shady Spring Lane

Previously on Adam Riff™:

This week on Adam Riff™, we are answering the question What did dudes in their 30s enjoy listening to in 2014?

Alright. My turn.

Q: Jon, what did you enjoy listening to in 2014?


Three months in the making, this is…Rifflash:

2Vince Staples - 65 Hunnid
3Future Islands - Seasons (Waiting On You)
4Protomartyr - Scum, Rise!
5Raised By Wolves [from "Fargo"]
6Ben Khan - Youth
7Seahaven - On The Floor
8Bros Before Hos [from "Neighbors"]
9Drake - 0 To 100 / The Catch Up
10††† (Crosses) - The Epilogue
11Damon Albarn - Photographs (You Are Taking Now)
12The Secret Fate Of All Life [from "True Detective"]
13Cliff Martinez - Will It Hurt [from "The Knick"]
14The Hotelier - Discomfort Revisited
15Josef Salvat - Open Season
16RATKING - Snow Beach
17The Exorcist [from "Nathan For You"]
18Dead Times - Every Moment
19Water Liars - Let It Breathe
20Isaiah Rashad - West Savannah (feat. SZA)
21Eulogy For Augustus Waters [from "The Fault In Our Stars"]
22The War On Drugs - Red Eyes
23Freddie Gibbs and Madlib - Harold's
24Jamie T - Love Is Only A Heartbeat Away
25Optimal Tip-To-Tip Efficiency [from "Silicon Valley"]
26The Dirty Nil - Cinnamon
27Taylor Swift - Blank Space
28A Selfish Act [from "Utopia"]
29We Were Promised Jetpacks - Peaks And Troughs
30Logic - I'm Gone
31Justin Meyer [from "The Skeleton Twins"]
32Small Wonder - Until I Open My Wings
33Slothrust - 7:30 AM

Humongous thanks to Jon Wilcox for the artwork, and to Mike, Matt, and Adam Robot for sundry beta testing.

Oh and my son thinks I should note to not let the wonky first 90 seconds of the RATKING song deter you from experiencing the second half.

alternate download link

I never wanted to hold you back, I just wanted to hold on

Suppose that a beloved artist/band announces that they will release a new album the day after Election Day, but only if their chosen candidate wins. Otherwise, the album will be destroyed. Let's assume that the promise is made with enough time to register to vote. Who would have the most influence? Who has the most voting-age fans who give enough of a shit to register and make it to the polls, but not enough of a shit to respect the democratic process? Beyoncé?

Beyoncé. I can't even think of anyone who would come close. Every white girl in her twenties would go fleeing to the polls, which would give the Democratic candidate a significant boost in terms of voter turnout.

In fact, if I were the Democratic candidate, I would do exactly this. I would set up a Super PAC and funnel $10 million to Beyoncé (do Super PACs work like that? Probably not), and then I would ask her to make a video to be released on midnight of Election Day, but it only gets released if I win (provided Beyoncé agrees with my liberal pledge to give every American a free puppy and institute a tax on misspelled web comments). Then I would sweep the coastal states, carry the Midwest, defeat the GOP, and Beyoncé would unleash a five-minute video of herself dancing with a chair and singing WAY too fast, and people would lose their goddamn minds. That's the kind of modern electioneering you have to look forward to in 2016. [source]

The Smiths. Sweep the Latino vote.

The Unexpected Virtue of Sibilance

Previously on Adam Riff™:

This week on Adam Riff™, we are answering the question What did dudes in their 30s enjoy listening to in 2014?

Q: Adam Robot and White Jon, what did you enjoy listening to in 2014?


Ladies and gentlemen, this is…Songs of Instruments:

1Single Mothers - Marbles
2Yautja - Tar and Blindness
3Baptists - Bloodmines
4Myrkur - Dybt I Skoven
5Tigers Jaw - Cool
6A Pregnant Light - Circle of Crying Women
7Gridlink - Constant Autumn
8United Nations - United Nations vs. United Nations
9The Life and Times - Again
10Audrey Fall - Wolmar
11Whirr - Clear
12Floor - Rocinante
13Flying Lotus - Never Catch Me (feat. Kendrick Lamar)
14Tycho - Awake
15Nothing - B&E
16Joyce Manor - Heart Tattoo

alternate download link