"I'm still planning to get some retribution. I got her a parting gift."
"Tickets to Wicked?"
"In Boston. Have fun watching some chubby Chenoweth knock-off warble her way through 'Popular.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E14)
"When I was alone in her office, I changed her auto-correct. Now when she types 'Wunch,' it gets replaced with 'butt.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E14)
"We call him 'Carlilingus.'" (Shameless, S05E03)
"Do we get paid on the holiday?"
"No. None of the holidays. Not the tree one, the president one, the war one, and definitely not the one for the blacks." (Shameless, S05E03)
"You date-raped me."
"We were on a date?"
"No, Debbie, you statutory raped yourself. I could go to jail."
"I don't understand."
"Friends don't rape friends." (Shameless, S05E03)
"You lost your virginity?"
"Does it count if it's rape?" (Shameless, S05E03)
"Listen, Debs, a million guys would kill to be raped by you." (Shameless, S05E03)
"I hope you die in a puddle of diarrhea." (Shameless, S05E03)
Writing off characters like it's the UK Shameless (Shameless, S05E03)
"Wait, you're paying this butt brain?"
"My butt does have brains. They're called 'turds' and they're smarter than you." (Bob's Burgers, S05E10)
"Was Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?" (Parks and Recreation, S07E05)
"The only contract I've ever signed is my Mulligan's sSteakhouse club card, and even then I used a fake name – Les. Les Vegetables." (Parks and Recreation, S07E05)
"Paul Reiser salmon." (Parks and Recreation, S07E06)
"Just about hit me, now you're gonna sling foul utterances in my direction?" (Justified, S06E02)
"How do you know I was with a guy if you ain't been following me?"
"I'm not following you."
"Are you saying you ain't following me like you don't know what I'm saying, or are you just repeating this bullshit about you ain't been following me?"
"I'm not following you?" (Justified, S06E02)
"You know what I was thinking about today? The Franklin sandwich at Denver Biscuit Company." (Justified, S06E02)
"Jocks, they peak in high school, all right, but nerds, they become Skrillex." (Workaholics, S05E03)
"Hov, hangin' with Mr. Cooper, Asian girl laughing." (Workaholics, S05E03)
"I love eating sashimi, but I would rather eat sashi-you." (Workaholics, S05E03)
"Half-black equals full black, and that's not my rule, that's society's rule. That's why Drake could say the N word a million times and everyone's like, 'I love this song.'" (Workaholics, S05E03)
"She's obviously valuing both of her Filipino and black heritage equally. So if anything, she's a full-bodied 'pino noir." (Workaholics, S05E03)
Frusen Glädjé (The Americans, S03E01)
Kama Sutra (The Americans, S03E01)
Jake "The Snake" Roberts singing "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E03)
"In modern America, touching in public is quite permitted. Also warrants the expression 'get a room.'" (Sleepy Hollow, S02E13)
"Fat Chance, when we started, you had no control over your powers."
"See this? Totally random."
"Nonsense. This is a door to time and space. Where it goes is up to you. You must become Fat Choice." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)
"I hench for no man." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)
"Nobody but spies play baccarat." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)
(Parks and Recreation, S07E03)
"Zach! Camp Wamapoke! You got a boner!" (Parks and Recreation, S07E03)
"The Somebody's Daughter Dancers." (Parks and Recreation, S07E03)
"Game of Thrones is on tonight! It's the series finale! Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow! Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails."
"Look, it makes sense if you read the books." (Parks and Recreation, S07E04)
"Never really developed a taste for tequila. Kind of hard to understand how you make a drink out of something like that. Sharp, inhospitable. Same reason I never understood the fascination with the artichoke. Now bourbon is easy to understand. Tastes like a warm summer day." (Justified, S06E01)
"You need to be smart."
"What I need is a $6 blow job. A smarter move I cannot imagine." (Justified, S06E01)
Swedish songwriters – heh (Empire, S01E03)
"What is this?"
"This is Gus. He's a private detective that I hired."
"You did what?"
"He ain't cheating on you…" (Empire, S01E03)
(Best New Restaurant, S01E01)
"No one gives a shit about bloody Cole Porter." (American Horror Story, S04E13)
American Horror Story Season Grade: D+
"My cock ring is sliding off."
"Why my father is talking to me with a cinch around his penis is beyond my grasp." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
"Can I get a drink?"
"Go ask one of the other ones."
"What other ones?"
"The other ones. The bird lady, the troll man." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
"Can I get a drink, please?"
"No, not now. Ask one of the other ones. The dirty one or the gay one." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
"What are some of the things we could talk about?"
"Creatine shits." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
"Cowboys hate teachers. You know, cowboys are independent thinkers who like to learn for themselves." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
"Let's just keep it simple. Let's just start with our names."
"Hi, ladies. I'm Frak. Shit!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
"Ignition (Remix)," "Return of the Mack," "No Scrubs" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
"I'll just masturbate." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E02)
"She hated the text. She's never going to respond. We have to save face. We have to pretend we were just kidding. Text 'JK.' Text 'JK'!" (Man Seeking Woman, S01E02)
(The Taste, S03E07)
The Taste Season Grade: C
"You have to try this. Hot cocoa, dark creme de cacao, hint of crème de menthe, and peppermint schnapps. I call it a 'peppermint patty.'" (Archer, S06E03)
"We head out at dawn."
"And that's A.M.?"
"As opposed to…?"
"'Set Adrift on Memory Bliss.' Come on, buddy." (Archer, S06E03)
"I have kind of a weird bucket list."
"Number three: Bang Joe Frazier."
"[sigh] Really regret sharing that with you." (Archer, S06E03)
"All men like Brigitte Nielsen." (Portlandia, S05E03)
(Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)
"Make 'Em Say Uhh" reference (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)
"I have many unique skills, including making the Predator noise." (King of the Nerds, S03E01)
Mile 69 – heh (Banshee, S03E03)
"I am Associate Professor X."
"Wait a minute. Your name is X, as in the letter 'X'?"
"E-C-K-S. My parents named me after their favourite film character, Jeremiah Ecks, from Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
"They should come out with a video game that's just stuff black people do."
"Yeah, like a whole level to see who can tuck their shirt in their drawers and sag their pants the best."
"What would the boss level be?"
"Sell cocaine for at least five years." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
"If I get mad at a little person… What I do is I just throw a big sombrero on top of them and then put tortilla chips in there. And I make them walk around a party with a sombrero full of chips." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
"You need Jesus."
"I need Jesus and a can of ginger ale." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E10)
Suppose that a beloved artist/band announces that they will release a new album the day after Election Day, but only if their chosen candidate wins. Otherwise, the album will be destroyed. Let's assume that the promise is made with enough time to register to vote. Who would have the most influence? Who has the most voting-age fans who give enough of a shit to register and make it to the polls, but not enough of a shit to respect the democratic process? Beyoncé?
Beyoncé. I can't even think of anyone who would come close. Every white girl in her twenties would go fleeing to the polls, which would give the Democratic candidate a significant boost in terms of voter turnout.
In fact, if I were the Democratic candidate, I would do exactly this. I would set up a Super PAC and funnel $10 million to Beyoncé (do Super PACs work like that? Probably not), and then I would ask her to make a video to be released on midnight of Election Day, but it only gets released if I win (provided Beyoncé agrees with my liberal pledge to give every American a free puppy and institute a tax on misspelled web comments). Then I would sweep the coastal states, carry the Midwest, defeat the GOP, and Beyoncé would unleash a five-minute video of herself dancing with a chair and singing WAY too fast, and people would lose their goddamn minds. That's the kind of modern electioneering you have to look forward to in 2016. [source]