A Challenger Appears

Billy Roberts may spend the rest of his life in prison for grinding his pelvis against women in crowded NYC subways. What makes his story even stranger? Billy has an identical twin that does the same thing.

Debra Farinella loves angels. She has hundreds of them decorating her home. Unfortunately, she has been stealing them from gravesites at the local cemetery.

61-year old Robert Wells is afraid to grow old. He'll do almost anything to retain his youth…including drinking the urine of young boys, which he believes is the fountain of youth.

Robert White tricks women into trying on shoes and then licks their inner thighs as he helps them.

Alex Davis is a diaper fetishist. He is most aroused by soiled baby diapers, which he steals from neighborhood garbage cans in the dark of night.

Rick Sciara, aka Master Rick, runs his own S&M sex dungeon in the basement of his home, where he trains gay sex slaves. He gets in trouble when he begins performing illegal castrations on willing men.

Katherine Drouin is not only an anorexic-bulimic, she is also a kleptomaniac. One addiction feeds the other as she has been exiled from all grocery stores within 20 miles for shoplifting groceries for her daily binge.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

49. The Amazingly Randy (South Park, S18E08)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "It's not that weird to say, 'May I have some cocaine?'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E07)
  • "I don't always understand Peralta's texts. He says, 'They're still waiting on the lab' and 'It's allz good' – 'allz' with a Z. Then, a box with a question mark inside, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, and yet another box with a question mark. Then, a box with a question mark. What does that mean?"
    "It means you don't have emojis on your phone." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E07)
  • CGI Atlanta is so flat (The Walking Dead, S05E06)
  • "I want to be the bad boy of public radio, like Elvis Mitchell." (Bob's Burgers, S05E03)

(Mr. Pickles, S01E09)

"I was born without genitals."
"Then where do you go pee pee or poo poo?"
"You don't want to know." (Mr. Pickles, S01E09)

  • The audience booing Grumpy Cat (WWE Raw, 11-17-14)
  • Gotham has a munitions factory (Gotham, S01E09)
  • Sergei from Delocated playing another Russian mobster (Gotham, S01E09)
  • "What's permanent press?"
    "Fake button. Nobody uses it." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "The way she killed her… So brutal." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E11)
  • "I have no idea how Bobby handled this shit."
    "Yeah. We need to patch in another Jew." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E11)
  • "Therapy's just not something our people do. We have Jesus and baths." (Black-ish, S01E07)
  • Nirvana? (American Horror Story, S04E07)
  • "We make the perfect before-and-after picture." (American Horror Story, S04E07)
  • "What is that?"
    "It's, uh, speed weed from Taco. I've been up for 48 hours straight having sex, and then after I have sex, I masturbate, and then after that, I look at pictures of corn, which I find is a huge turn-on for me."
    "You're jerking off to corn?" (The League, S06E12)
  • "Soft cheese, hard dick!" (The League, S06E12)
  • Tom Condon? (The League, S06E13)
  • "A pax on all of your homes!"
    "Think you mean 'pox,' Ruxin."
    "No, I mean that the only cable network you all should get is PAX." (The League, S06E13)
  • The League Season Grade: C-
  • Scott parodying Frank Underwood (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E16)
  • Mystikal! (Saturday Night Live, S40E07)


Eater's Digest: Seattle 2

Previously on Adam Riff™: Eater's Digest: Seattle

October 2014

damn the weather / pie bar / crumble and flake / paseo / hot cakes / rocco's / nacho borracho / babirusa / family dinner / quality athletics / salumi / pizzeria gabbiano / trove / pomerol

Gold Stars

Sweet Potato Dumplings (Damn the Weather)
brown butter, marjoram, pecorino

Caramel Corn (Damn the Weather)
garam masala
—Addictive Indian-carnival fusion.

Salt and Pepper Chicken Skins (Damn the Weather)
chili, peanuts

Shallot Rösti Potato (Pomerol)

"Oh. Heh. The top slice of bread is an 'egg in the basket.'"

Caesar Salad Sandwich (Damn the Weather)
parmesan, anchovy, egg, on brioche

A sandwich I didn't know I needed.

Pastrami Burger (Damn the Weather)
sauerkraut, thousand island, pickles
—A sandwich I don't need.

Drinking Caramel (Damn the Weather)
salt and pepper gelato
—The salt and pepper gelato sits in the caramel like an ice cube and is no joke.

Zombie Macaron (Crumble and Flake)
lime, grapefruit, rum, cinnamon

Salumi is a salumeria owned and operated by Mario Batali's parents and sister.

Porchetta Sandwich (Salumi)
pork butt stuffed with meatball mix and spices, braised for a long time

A different porchetta sandwich than the kind I'm used to, with carrot, celery, and onion instead of crackling and mustard, but no less delicious. It reminded me of a chunky soup.

Smoked Salmon Wings (Quality Athletics)
pickled shallots, coriander honey glaze, pickled peppers

Salmon collars.

Duck Wings (Quality Athletics)
jerk spice, pickled pomegranate seeds

Oof. There was barely any meat on the bones, and it was nigh impossible to extract, so I ingested a scorching jerk spice more than anything.

He made a pasta sauce from scratch?!

Family Dinner (Tony's Flat)
salad / pasta / garlic bread / apple cider

I had no idea how much Tony likes cooking, or how good he is at it.

I heard noise in his kitchen early (0600?) Tuesday morning and wondered what he was doing. Answer: Cooking acorn squash to bring to work for lunch.

Pizzeria Gabbiano is a lunch spot serving Roman-style pizza that's cut with kitchen shears and sold by the kilo. Its seasonally-inspired toppings are hit or miss. I tried one pizza topped with stracoto, stilton, radicchio, and walnuts that was a bitter salad on bread.

Baby Greens, Panna Cotta, Pecans (Babirusa)
—A salad with pudding in place of cheese.

Kimchee Pancake, Chili, Soy (Babirusa)
—An earlier version of this pancake contained octopus too.

Trove is four concepts in one: Korean barbecue, noodle counter, bar, and parfait window.

The parfait window sells two different versions of three frozen custard parfaits – an old school version and a new school version.

New School Banana Split Parfait (Trove)
passion fruit tapioca, chili chocolate sauce, rice crunch

I could not finish eating it. The passion fruit was unbearably acrid. And while passion fruit and chocolate pair well, the chocolate felt out of place.

The glass jar is yours to keep.

Missed Connections

Salmon Hot Dog (Damn the Weather)
cream cheese, onions, salsa verde, on an everything bun

IPA Berry and Pineapple Weed Sorbet (Pomerol)
marshmallow spread, berry compote, hazelnut crumb

A lonely person, lost in thought, oblivious of time

♫ Is it weird that I hear angels every time that you moan?
Is it weird that your eyes remind me of a Coldplay song?
Is it weird that I hear trumpets when you're turning me on?
Is it weird that your bra remind me of a Katy Perry song? ♫

Jon: Is it weird that the girl he's addressing doesn't cut him off after he sings that her ass reminds him of a Kanye West song?

Jon: Is it weird that your ass remind me of "Barry Bonds"?

Rory: Is it weird that your bra remind me of "E.T."?

Jon: Is it weird that your eyes remind me of "Princess of China"?

Rory: Is it weird I hear sad trombones when I sing this song?

Jon: What do angels sound like? And does he hear them in addition to her moaning, or does her moaning sound like angels moaning?

Rory: Sketch idea: Jason Derulo takes a Rorschach test.

Gay Son or Hoe Daughter

"My mother tries to guess the names of Smash Bros. characters."

"The Cube"—a hollowed-out block of brioche stuffed with French fries or mac 'n cheese—started off as an inside joke, a riff off the mystery boxes in Super Mario Bros. that reward players with medals or mushrooms, super leaves or fire flowers.

"We were, like, let's just have fun with this—let's stuff it with fries. Then we started getting crazy." [source]

Hammer Bros. jump pretty high for dudes carrying a bunch of hammers.

The 6 ain't friendly but it's where I lay up

At the American Film Market:

Dogs are having their day, between Space Dogs: Adventure to the Moon, Army Dog starring AFM staple Casper Van Dien, Guard Dog, and Dude, Where's My Dog?, about an invisible pooch.

"Dog movies sell great," one seller told me between sips of 6PM wine outside his company's suite. "Unless the dog dies."

How lucky we are to live in a world with not one, not two, but THREE films about invisible dogs.

The dog in Guard Dog is also invisible, as it is figuratively GOD.

Nine year-old Chance Watson is lying, cheating, stealing, and flunking out of school. Then, one night, a wonderful, magical sheepdog appears and promises to make his dreams come true, if he can follow "The Rules."

• I'm your dog. You can't have any other dogs, and you have to love me.
• Rest is important.
• No lying.
• No stealing.
• No cheating.
• Do what your parents tell you to do.
• No killing – not even people's dreams or hopes.
• No being jealous of other people's stuff. Learn to share.
• The way people look has nothing to do with whom they are inside.
• Forgive those who hurt you.

At a school board meeting the parents are engaged in a debate on the issue of the invisible dog. Some say the lessons are wonderful and the kids are benefitting from them, others insist they are based on the ranting of a delusional boy and should be banned.

She asks her brother if he ever sees Abba any more. He answers, "I don't have to. I know he's always there."

Guard Dog was produced by magician Lance Burton.

Rory: Robot dog.
Jon: Yes. C.H.O.M.P.S.
Rory: Ninja dog.
Jon: No.
Rory: Vampire dog.
Jon: Yes. Vampire Dog.
Rory: Zombie dog.
Jon: Yes. Pet Sematary 2.
Rory: Shark dog.
Jon: No. Well, Eek! the Cat

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

48. Bachelorette Party Mantasy (Friends of the People, S01E03)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Drink the ranch! Drink the ranch!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E06)
  • "Everyone likes to be the little spoon. It makes you feel safe. Carl, back me up on this."
    "Yes, little spoon all the way." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E06)
  • "Look, my job is to make you prove he did it. It's the basis of our entire justice system. What, you think John Adams was just some idiot?"
    "No, I think John Adams was a mini-series I didn't watch because it looked like a book." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E06)

(Mr. Pickles, S01E08)

(Toast of London, S02E02)

  • Death by paper cutter blade (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "Young man, business suit, esophagus lacerated from index cards shoved down his throat." (Gotham, S01E08)
  • Bruce using his father's watch as knuckles (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "He tried to kill me."
    "That's right. He did. He tried to kill you. Just you remember that next time you see him – and you remember that I let him try. [to Bruce] Now let's get some ice on those knuckles. What do you fancy for your dinner?"
    "Pizza. Superb choice, Master Bruce." (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "It's not that I love fighting, but I'm not afraid to either." (Gotham, S01E08)
  • "So. Your dad's in politics? Is he a Republican or a Democrat?"
    "He wears a tie." (MasterChef Junior, S02E02)
  • "I'm terrible at lying; I'm terrific at make believe." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "I just cried on my penis while I was peeing. That happened." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "It's a very hard time to be gay. Girls are wearing scarves and boots. They have so many layers to them. What is underneath all those layers? I want to find out."
    "Are you blaming autumn?" (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "Can we agree that this not the most mature way to handle things, even though it's pretty fun?"
    "It's no fun a couple bellinis and a round of Apples to Apples can't solve."
    "What kind of gay are you?"
    "I'm still finding it." (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "What's women?" (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "So what kind of guys do you like to date?"
    "Ripped nerds. Sleepy guys. We in the gay community call them 'drowsers.'" (New Girl, S04E07)
  • "The fructose burns my throat." (Friends of the People, S01E03)
  • Marilyn Manson ass-raping Juice (Sons of Anarchy, S07E10)
  • Marilyn Manson reading love poems by Emily Brontë to Juice (Sons of Anarchy, S07E10)
  • "I don't have molars." (Black-ish, S01E07)
  • "I'm about to make it rain up in the comic book store!" (Black-ish, S01E07)

Live-action Butters (South Park, S18E07)

  • "It's like when I had tuberculosis and you took me out to the Utah desert!" (American Horror Story, S04E06)
  • "If there isn't a divider, stand outside her." (The League, S06E11)
  • "Ride with me, my breadless horseman." (The League, S06E11)
  • "No cheese could realistically be inserted up an anus." (Babylon, S01E01)
  • "I know I'm looking a little chub, but I'm preparing for the lead role in Precious: Part 2 – Precious with a Dick." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E02)
  • "Morpheus drinking a 40 in a death basket." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E02)
  • Funyuns flag (Saturday Night Live, S40E06)



Jon: Identical twins. Male.
Rory: Okay…
Jon: From dusk until dawn, they swap bodies.
Rory: What if they are in different time zones?

Jon: When dusk hits for both of them, they swap bodies until dawn hits for both of them. So if one is in California, and the other is in the Arctic Circle, that complicates matters, as does travel.

Jon: How do you be in a relationship when you're not you at night?

Jon: Perhaps one twin is a middle school teacher and the other a gang enforcer.

Jon: Season two.
Rory: Oh a second season!
Jon: Second season or sequel. One of the twins is bitten by a vampire and becomes one. So he can't go outside during the day, and at night, he's someone else. Meanwhile, his brother must now spend his nights procuring blood.

Jon: Season threequel. The twin that's not a vampire becomes a werewolf.

Sharpening Imaginary Mustaches

Let's check in on Samuel L. Jackson's filmography.

Kite (2014)
A teenage girl becomes a merciless assassin in pursuit of the man who killed her father. A corrupt cop mentors her.

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
A veteran secret agent grooms a teenage delinquent into a super spy.

Barely Lethal (2015)
A teenage special ops agent coveting a "normal" adolescence fakes her own death and enrolls in a suburban high school.

Big Game (2014)
A teenager camping in the woods helps rescue the President of the United States when Air Force One is shot down near his campsite.

Moose (pre-production)
A teenage moose who witnesses his father getting killed by hunters treks to the cabin where the hunters are staying to save the rest of his tribe.