Southern Hospitality, American Hostility

Rich Johnson is a charismatic, serial womanizer.

His name is Dick Dick.

After getting caught cheating and ruining another promising relationship, Rich desperately wishes his penis would just leave him alone. Lo and behold, Rich awakes the next morning to discover that his penis has left his body and taken human form as RP (Nick Thune) who moves into his apartment.

RP… Rich's Penis?

Yup. Rich's Penis.

Dick Dick's dick is Dick's Dick.

"SAG OR NON UNION CASTING NOTICE – Caucasian penis."

"Nick Thune, best known as Volchok's peen, died on Saturday night at his home in Los Angeles."

Reviews:

"There's a pretty great lesson hidden in this surprisingly cute little comedy about a guy and his penis not seeing eye to eye." – K.

"The characters are both outrageous and hysterical, everyone from the sassy waiter to the Yoda referencing cop." – Jorrdan Barroso

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


29. Conan and Dave Franco Join Tinder (Conan, 07-14-14)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "I'd be quitting for Zach so he isn't driving around Queens in a green goddamn Prius." (The Strain, S01E01)
  • Captain and Tennille on The Leftovers, Neil Diamond on The Strain (The Leftovers, S01E03, The Strain, S01E01)
  • Music: Molotov – "Gimme the Power" (The Strain, S01E01)
  • "Love, you see, is the one force that cannot be explained, cannot be broken down into a chemical process. It is the beacon that guides us back home when no one is there, and the light that illuminates our loss. Its absence robs us of all pleasure, of our capacity for joy. It makes our nights darker, and our days gloomier. But when we find love, no matter how wrong, how sad, or how terrible, we cling to it. It gives us our strength. It holds us upright. It feeds on us, and we feed on it. Love is our grace. Love is our downfall." (The Strain, S01E01)
  • Artemis! (Masters of Sex, S02E01)
  • Ygritte! (Utopia, S02E01)
  • "Should the time come, I'm to be your daughter's torturer." (Utopia, S02E01)
  • 24 Season Grade: B
  • Palpatine! (Utopia, S02E02)


(Matador, S01E01)

  • "Mention this gravestone for a 15% discount." (Nathan For You, S02E03)
  • "Asian, black, Hispanic, old." (Nathan For You, S02E03)
  • "I like Call of Duty and pussy." (The Bridge, S02E02)


(Loiter Squad, S03E10)

  • Loiter Squad Season Grade: C+
  • "What's your dog called?"
    "Piano."
    "Right. Is it, um, really called 'Piano'?"
    "What do you think?"
    [pause] (Friday Night Dinner, S03E05)

#clipoftheweek


Can you throw them over your shoulder like a continental soldier?

// TAIPEI, TAIWAN


"Hey! No photographs!"


(Wufenpu)

Oops.

I'm not sure if she feared me stealing her "Freakish Pringles" design, or if she feared Pringles seeing a photograph of it on the Internet.



(Shilin Night Market)

I saw this shirt on display outside a store but alas, could not find one inside.



(Ximending)

I regret not stopping in to see what jeans for aggressive women look like.



(Shilin Night Market)

Extreme knock-off.



(Wufenpu)

#replace90salbumwithcorgi


On top of spaghetti

Go on…

The Nazis conduct experiments to bring extinct animals back to life, with the hopes of releasing the creatures into hunting parks for the Aryan people.

I hope it's better than Drug Kingpin Hippos, which was just an excuse for Animal Planet to produce a documentary on Pablo Escobar.

Oh. Hitler's Jurassic Zoo originally aired on American Heroes Channel.


B: Why are you in New York City?
Jon: Well…

Jon: You flew me out here to maybe co-sign an apartment lease?!

Jon: So I can't leave until Joe resolves his housing situation – until he decides to renew his current lease or passes/fails a credit check for a new apartment. The day after I arrived, however, he left for Texas and hasn't returned since. Oh and his family is visiting from July 23-31, during which time I can't crash at his place but likely can't return home either.

Joe: My friend in Washington, D.C. has a room…

You would not use "it's" in this case

I've been thinking a lot about friendships tailing off and, heh, how to adapt that into a television series.

The protagonist is a bloke in his late 30s or early 40s. In each episode, something happens in his life that reminds him of a friend he once had, and the bulk of every episode is a flashback story. It's friendship presented through a nostalgic prism.

Idea: A team must infiltrate the mind of a blind man to extract information, navigating a world created by someone without a visual frame of reference.

Blue ball go down the hole

RE: flopping in soccer

If being fouled leads to a direct free kick, why wouldn't you flop and try to draw fouls? Why wouldn't you try to set yourself up to score?

To reduce flopping in soccer, the penalty for a foul should be less enticing – a two-minute power play, perhaps.

Other ideas:

» No offside penalties in stoppage time.

» In elimination games, instead of a penalty shoot-out, teams continue playing 15-minute blocks of extra time until one team wins. For every block of extra time, however, each team must remove a player from play. So the first block of extra time is 9 vs. 9, the second, 8 vs. 8, et cetera.

» A yearly FIFA All-Star Game. Two player-captains draft teams from a pool of 44 players that the world votes in. Substitutions are unlimited so that every all-star gets to play.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


28. The Web (Nathan For You, S02E02)

It plays better in context, that context being a "Television Episode of the Year" nominee.


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "You're all suffering and no salvation." (The Leftovers, S01E02)
  • The cast of Perfect Strangers vanished (The Leftovers, S01E02)


You eediot! (24, S09E10)

  • "But what happens when the bullets start to fly?"
    [pause]
    "You're gonna wanna try and stay low." (24, S09E11)
  • William, the professional Bill Gates impersonator (Nathan For You, S02E02)
  • "Our next short is a documentary called Me Farting on Command." (Nathan For You, S02E02)
  • "Of course, it's a hybrid, so it ain't like we could wait it out." (The Bridge, S02E01)
  • Rutger Hauer! (Wilfred, S04E04)
  • Events at the Secret Rose Theatre on both Nathan For You and Loiter Squad this week (Loiter Squad, S03E09)

#clipoftheweek

Eater's Digest: Taipei

anzu / le bouquet / juanita burritos and tacos / woolloomooloo / ningxia night market / vigor kobo / florida bakery / texas rangers fried chicken / shilin night market / hot star large fried chicken / ji pin / bac chocolate world / kyoto teppenyaki / aunt stella's / asto gelato italiano / wendel's german bakery / pregame / flavors / tonghua night market / ireland's potato / macho tacos / whalen's / mister donut / snow king / yi yuan peking cuisine / ed's diner / 89 seafood / lian xiang zhai / raohe night market / zhua bing stand (yongkang st) / ben teppan grill / din tai fung



Juanita Burritos and Tacos is a Chipotle rip-off decorated with Star Wars pop art.

"Original Mexican sauce"?

"We pride ourselves on our lettuce."


Unlike other night markets in Taipei, the Ningxia Night Market is all food – eel noodles, rice with pig's feet, small intestine in large intestine, pork rib stewed in Chinese medicine…


Salad Boat
A deep-fried doughnut-like roll, sliced open, slathered with mayonnaise, and stuffed with some ham, some hard-boiled egg, some tomato, and some cucumber.

They are repulsively delicious.



Ji Pin


BAC (Black As Chocolate) Chocolate World is a café where every dish contains some form of chocolate.

For example:

• Pan fried salmon marinated in cocoa salt and cocoa gin

• A pastrami sandwich with dark chocolate bread

• A fried seafood platter served with white chocolate yuzu dip and cocoa pineapple salsa

As I departed, my waitress ran out to return the tip I had left and would not let me go until I accepted my tip back.


Lian Xiang Zhai is a swanky vegetarian buffet known for its Buddhist monk clientele, chocolate fountain, and all-you-can-eat Häagen-Dazs ice cream.

Vegetarian fish remains dire. This buffet's vegetarian sashimi looks like sashimi, but eats like gelatinous nothing, and its cooked vegetarian fish is awfully rubbery.


Tonghua Night Market


"Boss level of delicious."


Ed's Diner
"American BBQ." Good pulled pork sandwich, satisfactory beef brisket.

Whalen's
A Canadian diner. Good Montreal smoked meat sandwich, weak classic poutine.

Macho Tacos
"Authentic Mexican food," including fish tacos.


Aunt Stella's
Also on the menu: Spicy Jambalaya Creole.

Flavors
Swedish chef marries Taiwanese woman, opens Swedish restaurant in Taipei.

Woolloomooloo
Taiwanese-Australian architect opens combination restaurant/market/event space in Taipei. Not surprisingly, the design of his complex is very cool.



7-Eleven

The climate in Taiwan is tropical/sub-tropical; cold and/or fruity drinks are popular in Taiwan; and 7-Elevens are ubiquitous in Taiwan, yet 7-Elevens in Taiwan don't sell Slurpees. Seems like a missed opportunity.

Taiwanese people will add milk to anything.


Snow King is an ice creamery that offers salty flavours for diabetics.

I tried its pork knuckle (ham hock) flavour with bits of pig skin mixed in, and its pork floss flavour. Both tasted like salty peanut soup.



According to Google Translate, Asto gelateria's flavour offerings include: Latina Passion, Black Beauty, and Pikachu.

I tried its wax apple flavour.


Shilin Night Market

Taipei's most famous night market is a fuckin' labyrinth.


I couldn't find this place selling "intestinal wang duck blood tofu" and "cod chin."


However, I did find A Piece of Gayke and its infamous "todger waffles."


Home edition.


Wiener inception.


Coffin Bread
A deep-fried slice of Texas toast, carved open on one side, filled with various stuff, and lidded shut. The one I tried at the Shilin Night Market contained shrimp and pineapple on a bed of shredded cabbage smothered in a mysterious chowder.


Raohe Night Market

At the Raohe Night Market, I happened upon a stand selling half-size coffin bread. Among its filling options: chocolate custard, and…


Lobster salad with Doritos. Pictured: An open casket, heh.


"Lil' America."


Corn dogs coiled in cheese and fries.



Ireland's Potato is a fast food chain in Asia. Its main selling point is that Irish people are quite literally crazy about potatoes, and so the rest of the world should be too.


89 Seafood is known for its massive Hokkaido king crabs.

I watched one poor crab keep getting pulled out of its tank for photographs.


Ben Teppan Grill
Longest teppenyaki meal ever – after which you are escorted to a lounge for dessert.


In the waiting area: An encased basketball autographed by Jeremy Lin.

Did they know that Jeremy Lin was coming and buy a basketball in advance for him to autograph, or did they run out and buy a basketball while he was eating?



Pregame imports red Solo cups for authenticity.