School for the grifted

Radio Podcasts
1-800-Flowers The Bouqs
Dollar Shave Club Harry's
Leesa Casper
Sun Basket Blue Apron
Tommy John MeUndies

Blue Apron, Caviar, Chef'd, DoorDash, EAT24, Freshly, Gobble, Goldbely, Green Chef, Grubhub, HelloFresh, Maple, Munchery, PeachDish, Plated, Postmates, Purple Carrot, Sprig, Sun Basket, ZeroCater, Zesty – America's food delivery service cup runneth over.

[Din,] Kitchit, SpoonRocket, Dinner Lab, and Kitchensurfing shut down in 2016. [source]

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

8. Festival of Friendship (WWE Raw, 02-13-17)

part two / part three / part four

Honourable Mention

  • Tim and Sam dance for Sebastian (Detroiters, S01E02)
  • Trapped in the MRI scanner (Legion, S01E02)
  • Airport sushi restaurant (Portlandia, S07E06)

Stray Observations

(Bob's Burgers, S07E09)

  • "Excuse me while I sky kiss this guy." (Bob's Burgers, S07E09)
  • "My apartment! I mean… My car!" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • ♫: "I Saw a Stranger" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • "You know, I'd never seen a live femur before." (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • ♫: "Whiskey and Zorn" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • "We both had sex with the same dead guy. Doesn't make us friends." (The Walking Dead, S07E09)
  • "God is for men who have no use for freedom." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Science is the gift of God, and God taught us that ovulation is spontaneous."
    "Ask a woman about that. Back when it was still believed that there were two kinds of insemination, male insemination involving sperm, female insemination involving eggs, it was considered a sin not to give a woman pleasure. But then, when it was discovered that ovulation was spontaneous, the cost was several billion female orgasms."
    "But it made psychoanalysts rich."
    "The one profession that involves no work and a great deal of money that we let slip through our fingers." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Who gives a damn about life? Life is not some stupid centerpiece on the side table of nothingness. Life is meant to be used, and to be used well – to love and be loved." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "I never resent anyone. That's my main problem." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Lenny, you think you're the hinge, but you're the door." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • ♫: 13 & God – "Armored Scarves" (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • Fading to black to when the Flume song's outro kicks in (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "How did you do it?"
    "I humiliated him. You have no idea how many objectives can be obtained by humiliating one's fellow man. But there's a secret to it."
    "What is it?"
    "The person humiliated can't realize they've been humiliated." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "In pedophilia, there is only violence, and in homosexuality, there is only love." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "We are power, and power is a banal platitude." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Goodness, unless combined with imagination, runs the risk of being mere exhibitionism." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Affliction changes us, Aguirre."
    "But good mood doesn't." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Those who believe in God don't believe in anything." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • The Young Pope Season Grade: B
  • "Scallops aren't for liars." (New Girl, S06E16)
  • "I don't have to explain myself to a chimney sweep." (New Girl, S06E16)
  • "Look at this place. You got a wet bar. You've got a thermostat."
    "And tickets to something called 'The Clippers.'" (New Girl, S06E16)
  • ♫: Vince Staples – "BagBak" (The Mick, S01E09)
  • "There are dark, unsupervised slut pockets all over that Jewish community center." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • "I'll show them I am amazing at finding things."
    [Where's Waldo?] (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • "Why can't these white people keep track of their kids? Every time we look at a milk carton, we have to see their failures." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • Mort Crim is a real anchorman (Detroiters, S01E02)
  • "What size do you think you're gonna be in nine months? Women's medium?" (Speechless, S01E15)
  • "Darling, I'm British. We invited sartorial nonsense." (Speechless, S01E15)

(Speechless, S01E15)

  • "I know we're being serious right now, but that surgeon has the biggest dick." (The Magicians, S02E04)
  • Pastor throws dove Vine (Black-ish, S03E15)
  • "You gotta step your game up, Dre. Put your crew on your back. Get your Kevin Garnett on."
    "You said what? I'm a soccer guy."
    "My turn to bite, my turn to bite. What, exactly, is a Kevin Garnett?" (Black-ish, S03E15)
  • "I'll calm down. I'll drink some whiskey or something."
    "Yeah. Stuff it down with brown. That's the best way to deal with things." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "You know, I'm getting a bad feeling about this, man."
    "Hey, man, do you think maybe that's 'cause of your librarian trauma?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Hello?"
    "Uhh, yeah, uh, yeah, is yous Daddy and the Boy?"
    "Uhh, y-yes, it is. Boy speaking."
    "I've got a party for you."
    "Umm, Daddy wants to speak with you."
    "Yeah, this is Daddy." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Why did you make a cheese lollipop?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Cricket was a bad idea, huh?"
    "Yeah, I know, but we needed that, like, you know, McConaughey MC type."
    "Yeah, but looks like we got AIDS Dallas Buyers Club McConaughey, not Magic Mike McConaughey." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • Stripping to "Cat's in the Cradle" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "I guess if I had, like, a million dollars, I might want a dick." (Workaholics, S07E06)

(Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)

  • "It would make me the happiest man in the world if I could have anal sex with your daughter." (Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)
  • Harry Knowles (Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)
  • "Booty tutor?" (Riverdale, S01E04)
  • "As Florence Machine says, the dog days are over." (Baskets, S02E05)
  • "I also had sex with your little Frenchy wife."
    "No, you didn't."
    "Yeah, I did. I pretended to be you and had sex with her."
    "Now I know you’re lying. She would never have sex with me." (Baskets, S02E05)
  • Chip and Dale chugging energy shots as they furiously circle a table and brag about sexual conquests that never happened (Baskets, S02E05)
  • The quick shot of random hikers watching Dale in a clown uniform and Chip with a bloody tissue sticking out of his nose walking along train tracks repeatedly saying "Ronald Reagan" (Baskets, S02E05)
  • "Put money in an Asian kid's hand, that kid will love you for the rest of your life." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • Talk show go to commercial (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • "Then I saw the truck outside. It scared the shit out of me, so I did what Kevin does in Home Alone and I got the black guy from Space Jam and I put him in the window to try to scare him off." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • "What time is it?"
    "Seven!!!" (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Young Pope
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Opening your mouth removes all doubt

Broadcast networks have been re-evaluating their programming this pilot season. Dramas and comedies that appeal to the heartland — i.e. parts of Trump America that may have been underserved on the small screen — have been among this season's hottest trends. [source]

But Hillary won the popular vote…?

ABC has drama The Gospel of Kevin, which follows a down-on-his-luck guy who is tasked by God with a mission to save the world.

NBC has drama For God and Country, which explores personal sacrifices of the members of the military.

CBS handed out a pilot order to comedy Living Biblically. The project centers on a modern-day man who, at a crossroads in his life, decides to live life according to the Bible.

Fox has put in development The Scroll, a Bible-themed drama project. The Scroll will reimagine some of the Bible's most popular stories in present day through a group of friends and colleagues that are modern-day versions of some of the Bible's most notable characters. [source]


Found Me Some Acid Tonight

The Great Wall's title treatment irritates me mightily.

I want to travel back in time to prevent it from being created.

Why don't the Ts and H have any pointy corners? What even was the methodology behind which corners would be pointy?

The curved leg of the R is hideous.

I don't get Kong: Skull Island's title treatment.

It looks like a mishmash of typeface concepts, none of which connote "King Kong" or "Skull Island."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

7. Lenny's Speech (The Young Pope, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Lenny's prayer for Dussollier (The Young Pope, S01E08)
  • Mickey's bizarre, rambling speech (The Mick, S01E08)
  • The Sandlot (Man Seeking Woman, S03E06)
  • "Can I talk to you for a minute?" (Portlandia, S07E06)
  • Mario Kart 64 (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E02)
  • Russell Stover Black History Heart Shaped Box (Saturday Night Live, S42E14)
  • Dueling Banjos (Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special)

Stray Observations

  • ♫: Soulwax – "Krack" (The Young Pope, S01E07)
  • ♫: The Sound – "I Can't Escape Myself" (The Young Pope, S01E07)

(The Young Pope, S01E07)

  • ♫: Post Pines – "Simma" (The Young Pope, S01E07)
  • "Mullins let him go Friday."
    "Yeah. Brought in someone new, who is so not as qualified. We're talking two-year college." (24: Legacy, S01E01)
  • "Who knew Chicago police were so corrupt? I mean, sure, everybody knew, but…" (Superior Donuts, S01E02)
  • "You writers are all so obsessed with mystery."
    "You men of the cloth don't kid around, either."
    "Writers and men of the cloth are the same in that way. They can't afford to solve the mystery because the next day they'd become irrelevant."
    "Writing is the one way I've found of concealing my boundless ignorance. It's a fraud, really, the way of gaining acceptance from the world." (The Young Pope, S01E08)
  • "I was 50 years old myself once, you know? I had my own crisis of faith, like all priests. The second calling is more challenging and more fraught than the first. You no longer have to deal with the enthusiasm of youth. Now you must grapple with disenchantment and the limitations of the rational. You don't believe in God, but that shouldn't upset you." (The Young Pope, S01E08)
  • ♫: Superpitcher – "Rabbits in a Hurry" (The Young Pope, S01E08)
  • "Halitosis is a deformation of the soul." (The Young Pope, S01E08)
  • "The boba is a metaphor. Aly is the tapioca pearl to my milky matcha, each made better by the unlikely presence of the other." (New Girl, S06E15)
  • "You feeling upset about something?"
    "No! I'm just eating edamame." (New Girl, S06E15)
  • "Oh, I feel like my heart is pumping out scalding hot toilet water." (New Girl, S06E15)
  • "'The driver handed him a brown paper sack. Without opening it, Pepperwood knew what was inside: blood-soaked beignets.'" (New Girl, S06E15)
  • "The Color Purple. More like The Color of White Cruelty." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E12)
  • "But I thought you were happy she was going back to school."
    "School? That's what she calls it. I call it 'a hippie birdbath.'" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E12)
  • "You paint?"
    "I used to, every day. This one is called 'Bagel.' This is 'Seashell.' 'Horse and Foal.' 'Unemployed Virgin.' 'Avocados Resting in Bowl.' 'Timothy Looks at Rebecca.' 'Zebra and Giraffe.' 'Zebra in Top Hat.' 'Zebra in Shorts.' 'Dan Quayle.'" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E12)
  • "Are you King or are you Company?" (Taboo, S01E05)
  • "All these chemicals I ingest chase lines of Shakespeare out of me sometimes unbidden." (Taboo, S01E05)
  • "Not only is she among the large number of women I would sleep with, she's also among the much smaller group of women I would masturbate over." (Taboo, S01E05)
  • "We are richer than God. I blaspheme with impunity because the company is at my heel." (Taboo, S01E05)
  • RT: Stuffed ostrich in room whilst he eats boiled ostrich egg (Taboo, S01E05)
  • "Oh, we need some more coal for my fireplace. It's freezing."
    "Why would we do that? This is the Delaney household. We have no warmth here." (Taboo, S01E05)

(Detroiters, S01E01)

  • ♫: Buzzcocks – "Ever Fallen in Love" (Speechless, S01E14)
  • "Because I promise you, I will not go down easily, oo-surpers. Yoo-surpers. Whichever way you're supposed to pronounce it." (The Magicians, S02E03)

(WWE 205 Live, 02-08-17)

  • "Shark tank top?!" (Black-ish, S03E14)
  • "'DeVante' is a great name. It has cultural significance."
    "'DeVante' is the name of the least important member of Jodeci."
    "No, the least important member of Jodeci was Mr. Dalvin and you know that." (Black-ish, S03E14)
  • "Wow. You're not even gonna go, like, 'Vernon' or 'Marcus' or 'Leon'? Just going straight to NFL free safety black name territory, huh?" (Black-ish, S03E14)
  • "'DeVante' sounds like two names played chicken and nobody won." (Black-ish, S03E14)
  • "You remember Roots? There's a scene in the movie where Kunta Kinte…"
    "Oh, what is that? I don't know what that is."
    "[pause] LeVar Burton?"
    "Oh, Reading Rainbow."
    "The black dude from Star Trek." (Black-ish, S03E14)
  • "Look out, faggot!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E06)

(It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E06)

  • "That's not a penis. It's a fist." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E06)
  • "Gay Mac rules! Gay rich Mac!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E06)
  • "Instead of Coachella, it should be called 'Whole-Paycheck-ella.'" (Workaholics, S07E05)
  • "Yeah, I emailed their Hotmail account and I got a reply, like, right away from this dude named 'Mailer Daemon.' I think it's their, like, French manager or something." (Workaholics, S07E05)
  • Chuck Liddell (Workaholics, S07E05)
  • "I also brought in Chang. He's a master contortionist. Trained for 16 years at the Shanghai Circus. He can fold his body into a box the size of a domestic carry-on.
    "Whoa. What's his job?"
    "My roommate's the DJ. I can get us all on the list." (Man Seeking Woman, S03E06)
  • "'Dearest Margaret, the canvas ripped again. At times, it seems my dream of building an all-canvas shoe may never come to pass. But, as ever, I toil on. With everlasting love, Archibald Converse.'" (Man Seeking Woman, S03E06)
  • ♫: Milk and Bone – "Natalie" (Riverdale, S01E03)
  • Dame Lillard (Portlandia, S07E06)
  • "Take a Shhh!" (Portlandia, S07E06)
  • "I love carpet." (Baskets, S02E04)
  • "I can't remember his size."
    "I'm a petite portly, mom." (Baskets, S02E04)
  • "I'm not sure where that is."
    "It's right behind the Iron Curtain." (Baskets, S02E04)
  • "Actually, which one was Kramer? Was it the Jewish woman?" (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E02)
  • Captain Planet Kwame action figure (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E02)
  • "Oh, baby, it is so hot watching you beat up Michael Bolton." (Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special)
  • "When Michael Jordan puts on new shoes, that's a Nike change, baby." (Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special)
  • The Santa Clause (Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Young Pope
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


We hope he gets some help soon

Previously on Adam Riff™ (August 2011):
Fantasy MLB Commissioner

» To cut down on marathon regular season games, every two extra innings, managers must remove one fielder, any position, from the game.

» From the 18th inning on, every half-inning begins with a runner or runners already on base.

Ben: oh STOP IT
Ben: just STOP IT
Ben: you are making the xfl
Jon: you mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling

February 2017:

Before I could text that link to Ben followed by a Joker face, he texted it to me followed by

Ben: This is your fucking fault somehow. It's like they googled "bad ideas to speed up baseball games"

"I'm not saying pay every guy $200 grand a year, but pay him a living wage year-round – something in the $40-60,000 a year range, where I can have a family and not have to worry every second about the bills that we have."


Of the 455,300 high school baseball players in America, only 5.6 percent wind up playing on a collegiate team. Of that 5 percent, only 10 percent are drafted by an MLB team. And of all minor leaguers, only 10 percent will ever make it to the show. All of which means the odds of making an MLB roster are long.

All of which means XLB is viable. Decent players are plentiful. Just offer them a living wage to forgo an MLB dream or a non-baseball job.

Ben: This is a TERRIBLE IDEA
Ben: SAD!

No one knows me like the piano in my mother's home

2017 iHeartRadio Music Awards nominees:

Rock Artist of the Year
• Disturbed
• Five Finger Death Punch
• Red Hot Chili Peppers
• Shinedown
• Volbeat

Alternative Rock Artist of the Year
• blink-182
• Cage The Elephant
• Coldplay
• The Strumbellas
• twenty one pilots

Underground Alternative Rock Artist of the Year
• Hey Violet
• Pierce the Veil
• Sleeping With Sirens
• Tonight Alive

Breakthrough Independent Underground Alternative College Rock Artist of the Year.

Best Lyrics
• "7 Years" – Lukas Graham
• "Came Here to Forget" – Blake Shelton
• "Cheap Thrills" – Sia featuring Sean Paul
• "Closer" – The Chainsmokers featuring Halsey
• "Heathens" – twenty one pilots
• "Love Yourself" – Justin Bieber
• "Scars To Your Beautiful" – Alessia Cara
• "Send My Love (To Your New Lover)" – Adele
• "Too Good" – Drake featuring Rihanna
• "You Should Be Here" – Cole Swindell


Rory: The Andre the Lyricist Memorial Battle Royal.