A supercut of Steve Guttenberg laughing in Meet the Santas
Billy Roberts may spend the rest of his life in prison for grinding his pelvis against women in crowded NYC subways. What makes his story even stranger? Billy has an identical twin that does the same thing.
Debra Farinella loves angels. She has hundreds of them decorating her home. Unfortunately, she has been stealing them from gravesites at the local cemetery.
61-year old Robert Wells is afraid to grow old. He'll do almost anything to retain his youth…including drinking the urine of young boys, which he believes is the fountain of youth.
Robert White tricks women into trying on shoes and then licks their inner thighs as he helps them.
Alex Davis is a diaper fetishist. He is most aroused by soiled baby diapers, which he steals from neighborhood garbage cans in the dark of night.
Rick Sciara, aka Master Rick, runs his own S&M sex dungeon in the basement of his home, where he trains gay sex slaves. He gets in trouble when he begins performing illegal castrations on willing men.
Katherine Drouin is not only an anorexic-bulimic, she is also a kleptomaniac. One addiction feeds the other as she has been exiled from all grocery stores within 20 miles for shoplifting groceries for her daily binge.
49. The Amazingly Randy (South Park, S18E08)
"It means you don't have emojis on your phone." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E07)
(Mr. Pickles, S01E09)
"I was born without genitals."
"Then where do you go pee pee or poo poo?"
"You don't want to know." (Mr. Pickles, S01E09)
"Fake button. Nobody uses it." (New Girl, S04E07)
"Yeah. We need to patch in another Jew." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E11)
"It's, uh, speed weed from Taco. I've been up for 48 hours straight having sex, and then after I have sex, I masturbate, and then after that, I look at pictures of corn, which I find is a huge turn-on for me."
"You're jerking off to corn?" (The League, S06E12)
"Think you mean 'pox,' Ruxin."
"No, I mean that the only cable network you all should get is PAX." (The League, S06E13)
Previously on Adam Riff™: Eater's Digest: Seattle
damn the weather / pie bar / crumble and flake / paseo / hot cakes / rocco's / nacho borracho / babirusa / family dinner / quality athletics / salumi / pizzeria gabbiano / trove / pomerol
Sweet Potato Dumplings (Damn the Weather)
brown butter, marjoram, pecorino
Caramel Corn (Damn the Weather)
—Addictive Indian-carnival fusion.
Salt and Pepper Chicken Skins (Damn the Weather)
Shallot Rösti Potato (Pomerol)
"Oh. Heh. The top slice of bread is an 'egg in the basket.'"
Caesar Salad Sandwich (Damn the Weather)
parmesan, anchovy, egg, on brioche
A sandwich I didn't know I needed.
Pastrami Burger (Damn the Weather)
sauerkraut, thousand island, pickles
—A sandwich I don't need.
Drinking Caramel (Damn the Weather)
salt and pepper gelato
—The salt and pepper gelato sits in the caramel like an ice cube and is no joke.
Zombie Macaron (Crumble and Flake)
lime, grapefruit, rum, cinnamon
Salumi is a salumeria owned and operated by Mario Batali's parents and sister.
Porchetta Sandwich (Salumi)
pork butt stuffed with meatball mix and spices, braised for a long time
A different porchetta sandwich than the kind I'm used to, with carrot, celery, and onion instead of crackling and mustard, but no less delicious. It reminded me of a chunky soup.
Smoked Salmon Wings (Quality Athletics)
pickled shallots, coriander honey glaze, pickled peppers
Duck Wings (Quality Athletics)
jerk spice, pickled pomegranate seeds
Oof. There was barely any meat on the bones, and it was nigh impossible to extract, so I ingested a scorching jerk spice more than anything.
He made a pasta sauce from scratch?!
Family Dinner (Tony's Flat)
salad / pasta / garlic bread / apple cider
I had no idea how much Tony likes cooking, or how good he is at it.
I heard noise in his kitchen early (0600?) Tuesday morning and wondered what he was doing. Answer: Cooking acorn squash to bring to work for lunch.
Pizzeria Gabbiano is a lunch spot serving Roman-style pizza that's cut with kitchen shears and sold by the kilo. Its seasonally-inspired toppings are hit or miss. I tried one pizza topped with stracoto, stilton, radicchio, and walnuts that was a bitter salad on bread.
Baby Greens, Panna Cotta, Pecans (Babirusa)
—A salad with pudding in place of cheese.
Kimchee Pancake, Chili, Soy (Babirusa)
—An earlier version of this pancake contained octopus too.
Trove is four concepts in one: Korean barbecue, noodle counter, bar, and parfait window.
The parfait window sells two different versions of three frozen custard parfaits – an old school version and a new school version.
New School Banana Split Parfait (Trove)
passion fruit tapioca, chili chocolate sauce, rice crunch
I could not finish eating it. The passion fruit was unbearably acrid. And while passion fruit and chocolate pair well, the chocolate felt out of place.
The glass jar is yours to keep.
Salmon Hot Dog (Damn the Weather)
cream cheese, onions, salsa verde, on an everything bun
IPA Berry and Pineapple Weed Sorbet (Pomerol)
marshmallow spread, berry compote, hazelnut crumb
Troy and Abed in a Comedy Central ad for Far Cry 4!
It's like the At the Drive-In reunion. Gambino is Omar.
related: Foot Locker's Week of Greatness ads with Harden, Rose, Duncan, Cena, and Pacquiao
Pacquiao > Cena > Rose/Duncan > Harden
♫ Is it weird that I hear angels every time that you moan?
Is it weird that your eyes remind me of a Coldplay song?
Is it weird that I hear trumpets when you're turning me on?
Is it weird that your bra remind me of a Katy Perry song? ♫
Jon: Is it weird that the girl he's addressing doesn't cut him off after he sings that her ass reminds him of a Kanye West song?
Jon: Is it weird that your ass remind me of "Barry Bonds"?
Rory: Is it weird that your bra remind me of "E.T."?
Jon: Is it weird that your eyes remind me of "Princess of China"?
Rory: Is it weird I hear sad trombones when I sing this song?
Jon: What do angels sound like? And does he hear them in addition to her moaning, or does her moaning sound like angels moaning?
Rory: Sketch idea: Jason Derulo takes a Rorschach test.
"My mother tries to guess the names of Smash Bros. characters."
"The Cube"—a hollowed-out block of brioche stuffed with French fries or mac 'n cheese—started off as an inside joke, a riff off the mystery boxes in Super Mario Bros. that reward players with medals or mushrooms, super leaves or fire flowers.
"We were, like, let's just have fun with this—let's stuff it with fries. Then we started getting crazy." [source]
Hammer Bros. jump pretty high for dudes carrying a bunch of hammers.
Dogs are having their day, between Space Dogs: Adventure to the Moon, Army Dog starring AFM staple Casper Van Dien, Guard Dog, and Dude, Where's My Dog?, about an invisible pooch.
"Dog movies sell great," one seller told me between sips of 6PM wine outside his company's suite. "Unless the dog dies."
How lucky we are to live in a world with not one, not two, but THREE films about invisible dogs.
The dog in Guard Dog is also invisible, as it is figuratively GOD.
Nine year-old Chance Watson is lying, cheating, stealing, and flunking out of school. Then, one night, a wonderful, magical sheepdog appears and promises to make his dreams come true, if he can follow "The Rules."
• I'm your dog. You can't have any other dogs, and you have to love me.
• Rest is important.
• No lying.
• No stealing.
• No cheating.
• Do what your parents tell you to do.
• No killing – not even people's dreams or hopes.
• No being jealous of other people's stuff. Learn to share.
• The way people look has nothing to do with whom they are inside.
• Forgive those who hurt you.
At a school board meeting the parents are engaged in a debate on the issue of the invisible dog. Some say the lessons are wonderful and the kids are benefitting from them, others insist they are based on the ranting of a delusional boy and should be banned.
She asks her brother if he ever sees Abba any more. He answers, "I don't have to. I know he's always there."
Guard Dog was produced by magician Lance Burton.
Rory: Robot dog.
Jon: Yes. C.H.O.M.P.S.
Rory: Ninja dog.
Rory: Vampire dog.
Jon: Yes. Vampire Dog.
Rory: Zombie dog.
Jon: Yes. Pet Sematary 2.
Rory: Shark dog.
Jon: No. Well, Eek! the Cat…
48. Bachelorette Party Mantasy (Friends of the People, S01E03)
"Yes, little spoon all the way." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E06)
"No, I think John Adams was a mini-series I didn't watch because it looked like a book." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E06)
(Mr. Pickles, S01E08)
(Toast of London, S02E02)
"That's right. He did. He tried to kill you. Just you remember that next time you see him – and you remember that I let him try. [to Bruce] Now let's get some ice on those knuckles. What do you fancy for your dinner?"
"Pizza. Superb choice, Master Bruce." (Gotham, S01E08)
"He wears a tie." (MasterChef Junior, S02E02)
"Are you blaming autumn?" (New Girl, S04E07)
"It's no fun a couple bellinis and a round of Apples to Apples can't solve."
"What kind of gay are you?"
"I'm still finding it." (New Girl, S04E07)
"Ripped nerds. Sleepy guys. We in the gay community call them 'drowsers.'" (New Girl, S04E07)
Live-action Butters (South Park, S18E07)
Jon: Identical twins. Male.
Jon: From dusk until dawn, they swap bodies.
Rory: What if they are in different time zones?
Jon: When dusk hits for both of them, they swap bodies until dawn hits for both of them. So if one is in California, and the other is in the Arctic Circle, that complicates matters, as does travel.
Jon: How do you be in a relationship when you're not you at night?
Jon: Perhaps one twin is a middle school teacher and the other a gang enforcer.
Jon: Season two.
Rory: Oh a second season!
Jon: Second season or sequel. One of the twins is bitten by a vampire and becomes one. So he can't go outside during the day, and at night, he's someone else. Meanwhile, his brother must now spend his nights procuring blood.
Jon: Season threequel. The twin that's not a vampire becomes a werewolf.
Let's check in on Samuel L. Jackson's filmography.
A teenage girl becomes a merciless assassin in pursuit of the man who killed her father. A corrupt cop mentors her.
Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
A veteran secret agent grooms a teenage delinquent into a super spy.
Barely Lethal (2015)
A teenage special ops agent coveting a "normal" adolescence fakes her own death and enrolls in a suburban high school.
Big Game (2014)
A teenager camping in the woods helps rescue the President of the United States when Air Force One is shot down near his campsite.
A teenage moose who witnesses his father getting killed by hunters treks to the cabin where the hunters are staying to save the rest of his tribe.