Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

21. The End (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-20-15)

RT: Jesus Christ it's like watching a montage of your own life

RT: "Everlong" is the halfway point between "Diary" and "Clarity" and that probably explains why I think it's the best rock song of the 90's.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "We had a Meg Ryan film festival and this place was disgusting afterwards." (Bob's Burgers, S05E20)
  • "Don Johnson it." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E23)
  • "Have fun on your honeymoon."
    "We will. We're going to Waco, Texas."
    "Waco, Texas?"
    "I don't know. It was just on Dateline." – timing! (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E23)
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C-
  • "Cut his throat, and then chop off his cock. We'll sell it for a fortune. A dwarf's cock has magic powers."
    "Wait! You can't just hand a dry cock to a merchant and expect him to pay for it. He has to know it came from a dwarf, and how could he know unless he sees the dwarf?"
    "It will be a dwarf-sized cock."
    "Guess again."
    "The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant." (Game of Thrones, S05E06)
  • Bob's Burgers Season Grade: C
  • Joan snorting cocaine (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • "I'm glad you're having fun."
    "Sorry, I already went to high school." (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • "Do you have any liquor? I've been drinking beer all night." (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • "Yell at me slower or in English." (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • Naked Brett Gelman (Mad Men, S07E14)
  • Mad Men Season Grade: B
  • Cow tipping (Penny Dreadful, S02E03)

(Penny Dreadful, S02E03)

  • "How bad is this? Be honest. Is this Windows Vista bad? It's not iPhone 4 bad, is it? Fuck. Don't tell me this is Zune bad."
    "I'm sorry, Gavin. It's Apple Maps bad." (Silicon Valley, S02E06)
  • Every card on the 'Let Blaine Die' SWOT board (Silicon Valley, S02E06)
  • "You tore Double Asshole a third asshole." (Silicon Valley, S02E06)
  • "Well, great struggling to talk to you." (Veep, S04E06)
  • "A number of tall women were molested and Mr. Ryan was one of them." (Veep, S04E06)
  • "I CAN'T LIVE!!! …with or without you." (China, IL, S03E07)

"My dad says he's so bad, he should change his first name to Breaking." (China, IL, S03E07)

"Commentating with me tonight is the completely naked Zac Efron." (China, IL, S03E07)

  • "It's yours if you just jack this mountain off." (China, IL, S03E07)

(China, IL, S03E07)

  • "Why is that in your ear?"
    "Oh, uh, I'm raising awareness of Armenian-American stereotypes." (Community, S06E11)
  • "Did you do stand-up? Is that how you became a custodian?" (Community, S06E11)
  • Telepresence robot Phil – Community already did it (Modern Family, S06E24)
  • Modern Family Season Grade: D+
  • "Very Triple K." (Black-ish, S01E24)
  • "You stay light-skinned out there, boy." (Black-ish, S01E24)
  • "I'm thinking about starting this line of lingerie, Savoy Javoy." (Black-ish, S01E24)
  • Black-ish Season Grade: B
  • Tommy Roboto (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-20-15)
  • Buzz from Home Alone (Louie, S05E07)
  • All the airports are JFK/the JetBlue terminal at JFK (Louie, S05E07)

(Louie, S05E07)

  • Timely Hannah Montana parody (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
  • "Do you know? Do you know? I need a verbal 'yes.'"
    "What is this, the exit row on an airplane?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)
  • "I came into money."
    "I murdered my parents."
    "With the umbilical cord."
    "Wait. So as a baby you did it."
    "I came right out [whoosh] and I went [grunts]."
    "And you got them both in one?"
    "Yeah, I got them both, yeah."
    "But it was really romantic because they were able to die together cheek to cheek." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)

(Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E18)

  • RT: Paul got a bit interesting and then he's dead. (Orphan Black, S03E06)


I must not have smacked you hard enough

A $56 cheese pizza at the Rock in Rio music festival in Las Vegas (of Anaheim)

Last Call with Carson Daly has been on NBC for 13 years, and I have never seen a single second of it.

Has Late Night with Seth Meyers produced any viral content?

I have seen, like, a minute total of Late Night with Seth Meyers, and it has all been while refueling my car.

CBS is airing reruns of its shows in Letterman's time slot until Colbert premieres in September. I would like to see how reruns of The Big Bang Theory perform against Fallon.

The Man Who Would Be King

My first real exposure to David Letterman was in elementary school, when Steve Marsh brought The Late Night with David Letterman Book of Top Ten Lists and The Late Night with David Letterman Book of Top Ten Lists: Roman Numeral Two! to class.

I flipped through them and then expeditiously sought out copies for myself, which I pored over like they were scripture. One listee that I remember just slaying me: Yugo Screw Yourself, from the Top Ten Rejected Model Names for New Cars.

Because I was born the same year that Late Night with David Letterman premiered, most of what I know about his NBC show I gleaned from those books. For me, David Letterman's legacy is the first few years of his CBS show, when Morty was still his producer, when he still did remotes. It was kismet that I discovered him and was an age at which I could appreciate his work at a time when he was playing to win the game.

As time went on, I saw less and less of Dave, until eventually he became just one more face in late night. It happens sometimes. Entertainers come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant.

Although I haven't watched his show regularly in more than ten years, I know I'll miss him forever.

I never had any inspirations later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?

And now, from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa, the Top Ten Things That Come to Mind When I Think of David Letterman:

10. Boutros Boutros-Ghali

9. His championing of Bonnie Hunt, producing not one, but two failed sitcom vehicles for her, and appearing on the former as a thief, albeit clad in a balaclava

8. When Green Day's drummer jumped in the pool behind his desk after performing "86" on Late Show from Los Angeles

7. When he invited John Michael Higgins, who played him in HBO's adaptation of The Late Shift, to be a guest on his show, only to bump Higgins and never ask Higgins back

6. Him spraying Richard Simmons with a fire extinguisher

5. When he donned a suit of chips and was lowered into a tank of dip

4. When he filled his car with 1,200 tacos from Taco Bell

That remote also features a dipstick prank that I wanted to take behind my middle school and get pregnant.

3. This "guy squirts milk out of his eye" Stupid Human Trick

2. "Would you like to buy a monkey?"

1. Andy Kaufman and Jerry Lawler's worked shoot, of which he was oblivious

Kaufman and Lawler were supposed to apologise to each other, followed by Andy singing "What the World Needs Now Is Love." Instead, they fooled the world for 13 years.

Cast of thousands, but we were the real two

Henry Rollins plays Jack, an immortal cannibal who avoids all emotional entanglements, as he either tends to outlive his friends, or eat them. Jack is forced to confront his past when he meets the daughter he never knew he had, and must walk a tight rope of sobriety while trying to eat as few people as possible in a violent tale of personal responsibility. [source]


2015 films I must see:
1. The Wolfpack
2. Prince
3. Doglegs
4. Partisan
5. The Lobster
6. He Never Died

Also spotted at the Cannes Film Market:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

20. Adam Sandler's Musical Ode to David Letterman (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-12-15)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Less enemies for us."
    "Nothing." (Game of Thrones, S05E05)
  • Don reading The Godfather (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "He doesn't know you won't get treatment because you love the tragedy." (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "Sally, I always worried about you because you march to the beat of your own drum. But now I know that's good. I know your life will be an adventure." (Mad Men, S07E13)
  • "Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California." (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
  • "Do you think maybe you sweat from your urethra?" (Silicon Valley, S02E05)
  • "The British Museum holds the world's largest collection of historical pornography – aside from the Vatican, of course." (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
  • A doll of Vanessa? (Penny Dreadful, S02E02)
  • "I want to take zucchini to the next level." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Dead kids. That never sounds good unless you're a stressed out single mom." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Chung is our answer to Montez. He can be our minority retort." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "It's like Christmas, except happy." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "I think I'd take a soy cap, and Richard?"
    "Uh, eggnog latte, if it's in season. Is it? No, it isn't." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Jonah here is the guy behind the guy, isn't that right?"
    "Oh, I'm the wheel greaser, I'm the puppet master… A man of many nicknames – poon slayer…when I'm online." (Veep, S04E05)

(Veep, S04E05)

  • "My advice? Tom James."
    "He has a disabled son, check, wounded serving his country, check, is the checklist complete? Yeah." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Hey, you know what? I got an idea. Why don't we ask Doyle back?"
    [pause] (Veep, S04E05)
  • "You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets – and maybe slavery!"(Veep, S04E05)
  • "What a cool guy. You shit ice cubes, you piss snowflakes." (Veep, S04E05)
  • "Why is Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson at dinner?"
    "Well, baby, this is why I brought you here. See, I'm marrying The Rock. He's gonna be your new stepdad."
    "Baby Cakes, your mom is a great lover. She is the best at sucking The Rock off."
    "Fuck you, The Rock! You're not my dad!" (China, IL, S03E06)

(China, IL, S03E06)

  • Bates Motel Season Grade: C-
  • "Armed Forces Day, huh. Why would they put it in May? It's just sitting in Memorial Day's shadow like a military Hanukkah."
    "Fitting that both war holidays have to fight each other over the same month."
    "Notable that the one we remember is the one with the theme of memory." (Community, S06E10)
  • "Then Hillary bought me Dick Cheney's biography. It's awesome. I mean, the dude destroyed Iraq, got rich rebuilding it – hero! Then he shot a guy, and the guy apologized – pimp! That should be the name of his book – Dick Cheney: Hero Pimp!" (Black-ish, S01E23)

(Black-ish, S01E23)

  • "Salty and fatty. Thick as a pork chop. This is the Amber Rose of bacon." (Black-ish, S01E23)
  • "Just like your dad would be okay if one of you thought Kingdom Come was Jay Z's best album." (Black-ish, S01E23)
  • "I'll send everybody home."
    "No, you won't."
    "Yes, I will, Afghanistan."
    "What were you doing in there?"
    "None of your business, Tranquility."
    "Her name is Tranquilit-ay." (Louie, S05E06)
  • "Can you believe this comes out of a cow's pussy?"
    "You know it comes out of their tits, you know that, right?"
    "No. Milk comes out of the tits. Yogurt comes out of the pussy." (Louie, S05E06)
  • The Pen Is Mightier! (Celebrity Jeopardy!, 05-15-15)
  • Amazing Race spirit flags (The Amazing Race, S26E12)
  • A selfie memory challenge? (The Amazing Race, S26E12)
  • The Amazing Race Season Grade: D+
  • Shark Tank Season Grade: B-
  • "This isn't gonna be easy."
    "Why not? We can do this. I mean, remember when we took a stroll through the arboretum?"
    "That was a walk in the park." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • "She's all yours, Hector. Take care of her."
    "Clocking in Hector Taycarofher." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • "I got pretty good at masturbating at Princeton." (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • ♫: Nicky Blitz – "Blast Off" (Childrens Hospital, S06E09)
  • Still handcuffed to George Clooney! (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-15-15)
  • "If something is true, it is not sentimental." (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-15-15)
  • "China has banned its soldiers from wearing the new Apple Watch over concerns of cyber security. Said one Chinese soldier: 'But my daughter made it for me.'" (Saturday Night Live, S40E21)
  • Saturday Night Live Season Grade: C-


Nobody barks orders to Mad Max

"Fuck! Goddammit!"

I banged my left knee into a filing cabinet on my way to my bathroom to pee this morning.

Injuring a knee, being unable to do cardio for an extended period of time, and getting fat has replaced gynecomastia as my biggest fear. I have, a number of times, run for 80+ minutes on my left toes, powering through plantar fasciitis in my left foot, because I couldn't stand letting calories go unburned.

Earlier this year, I added lap swimming to my workout rotation to help preserve my knees, but had to stop because the water in my gym's pool was wrecking my sinuses. And while I can afford to pay for access to other 25m+ pools in my area, I also need to save money for possible knee replacement surgeries.

If only those vibrating belt machines worked.

Carnage Asada

Halloween costume: "That thing on Aaron Neville's forehead."

Around 1986, Dave approved my transcribing an old episode of the show, then using this as a script to remake that episode with other actors playing him, Paul, and the guests. Richard Roundtree — Shaft! — was to play Dave.

I once pitched an "interrupt bit" called "What Do You Think of This?" It was simple and to the point. In the middle of the Top Ten, fellow writer and slovenly comedian Louis C.K. walks out to home base, lifts his T-shirt to reveal his engorged fat stomach, then asks Dave, "What do you think of this?"

"All Week Long William F. Buckley Rates the Mustard." The idea was that Mr. Buckley would come in through the blue doors in the NBC studio, hold up a jar of mustard, and eat a teaspoonful. With great importance, he'd ponder the flavor and describe the mustard's most pronounced qualities, then say something like, "That's mama's milk!" or "For intravenous use only!"

After the idea was shot down, I likely resubmitted it suggesting we replace Buckley with Manute Bol.