Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. Football Town Nights (Inside Amy Schumer, S03E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Cersei has offered a lordship to the man who brings her your head."
    "She ought to offer her cunt. Best part of her for the best part of me." (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
  • RT: Darkly amusing edit, from Tyrion in Essos wondering if Cersei will kill all the dwarves in the world, to a decapitated dwarf head being presented to the queen mother. (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
  • "Oh, farts." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "You were my shade! And my pants!" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "Was your mother Jessica Tandy?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "Don't listen to Jane Fonda here." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "You don't have any character; you're just handsome." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "I don't want to be rigid. It makes you old." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "The girl I'm fucking was in the Olympics." (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "You know what they say: 'bros disclose.'" (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "Get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and then I'll go find some hos to prioritize behind you."
    "Are you trying to say 'bros before hos'? (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • The Rose and Crown (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • Mariachi band cliffhanger (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "Also: hair. Ask Marianne about electrolysis." (Veep, S04E02)

(Veep, S04E02)

  • "I just wanted to say a friendly 'hello' in an unfriendly way. Hello." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Catherine, America doesn't like you. It's not that you are unlikable; it's that there's a perception that you are unlikable." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are military service or childbirth." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Is it pronounced 'Sharlize' or 'Charlize'?"
    "Pretty sure it's 'Sharlize.'"
    "Are you sure? Why?"
    "I don't know, man. She's from Africa. That's just how they say 'C-H' in Africa."
    "So that one African country is called 'Shad'?" (China, IL, S03E03)
  • Pony putting a band-aid on her open fracture (China, IL, S03E03)
  • "Can't a woman get in a freakin' mood for one night without the whole world coming to an end?” (Bates Motel, S03E07)
  • "How much this run pay?"
    "After FICA and Social Security?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)
  • "I've e-mailed every former student who's not in prison – or jail. Everyone remember there's a difference."
    "What's the difference?"
    "You go to jail if a cop doesn't like you. They can't send you to prison without knowing you're poor." (Community, S06E07)
  • "Eat your feet!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • The Chinese school teacher (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • "Brian?"
    "Topanga?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: B-
  • "I wonder what that's like, somebody constantly questioning your blackness, just because you misquoted the lyrics to 'Ain't No Fun.'"
    "Why would Nate Dogg sing 'and you even lit my halls'?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
  • "People have been hounding me to watch an O.J. movie?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
  • "They only have my body." (The Americans, S03E13)
  • Suicide note on a Commodore 64 (The Americans, S03E13)
  • RT: Sandra: Let's agree to tell each other everything!
    Philip:  :| (The Americans, S03E13)
  • Paige! (The Americans, S03E13)
  • The Americans Season Grade: B+
  • "There are more bicycles in the Netherlands than people." (The Amazing Race, S26E09)
  • Vince Gilligan, Tom Green, and Lil Jon (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E14)
  • "Would you have a meal of chicken tikka masala with me?"
    "That is a typical food of India, which, of course, is where we both are right now." (Childrens Hospital, S06E06)
  • "This erection's for you, Barb." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E01)
  • "The Motel." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E05)
  • "Mow-Em-$ayin." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E06)

(Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)

  • "Neapolitan Charlie." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
  • Bubbles quoting "Beat It" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
  • "Private Dancer, lower your weapon!" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
  • Bubbles parodying "Tiny Dancer" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
  • Sam wants Swiss Chalet (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
  • Jacob's "Life Without Horses? …I Don't Think So!" shirt (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
  • Trailer Park Boys Season Grade: C-


Burn my lungs and curse my eyes

Remind to use this when Daylight Saving Time ends.

A boy raised from birth to be a hit man begins to recalibrate his moral compass in "Partisan."

Go on…

The movie resembles "Dogtooth" and another recent festival favorite, "The Tribe."

SOLD. Add it to the list!

2015 films I must see:
1. The Wolfpack
2. Prince
3. Doglegs
4. Partisan

The film is set in an unnamed, decaying urban environment, where Gregori (Vincent Cassel) heads what amounts to a cult in an isolated compound. He lives with several women and their children, training the kids for killing missions.

I am Hamm

Story Idea: A hotly anticipated music album leaks, and everyone who listens to the leak dies as soon as they stop listening.

Sketch Idea: Modern Funeral. Selfies with the corpse, obvs. Tweet your respects using the hashtag #roryin5words. Eulogies: 28 things you probably didn't know about Rory, 19 things only childhood friends of Rory will understand. A pre-recorded video is played of Rory reacting to his or her death – "Hey guys…"

NHL Idea: The team that wins the Presidents' Trophy receives a free power play that it can use at any time during the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Eater's Digest: Las Vegas

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Oh that "Beef Wellington" looks good. How much is it?


Then I saw the price of the king crab.

Greetings from Las Vegas.

March 2015

yusho / bacchanal buffet at caesars palace / sweets raku / the buffet at wynn / du-par's / district one / o face doughnuts / carson kitchen / bazaar meat / bachi burger / culinary dropout / public house (the venetian) / the buffet at wynn / rose. rabbit. lie. / cravings buffet at the mirage

Gold Stars

Pretzel Bar (The Buffet at Wynn)
—The best buffet item in all of Las Vegas – confectionery crack.

Boneless Chicken Wings Skewer (Yusho)
thai chile, bonito salt, lime

12 oz. Ribeye Skewer (Yusho)
wagyu, mushroom ragout, aonori

Hamachi Kama (Yusho)
thai peanut sauce, coconut slaw, lime

Orange Beer Sorbet (Bacchanal Buffet)

Stella [Strawberry Tiramisu] (Sweets Raku)

Buttermilk Hotcakes (Du-par's)

Root Beer Float Doughnut (O Face Doughnuts)
vanilla pudding, root beer caramel, chocolate covered pop rocks

Cotton Candy Foie Gras (Bazaar Meat)
crispy amaranth

A smidge of fatty liver in a cotton candy cocoon. Not bad, but not worth $8 a pop.

Beef and Parmesan Grissini Carpaccio (Bazaar Meat)
washugyu beef, espuma, caramelized onion purée

Sublime raw meat batons. Totally worth $26.

Cravings To-Go! (Cravings Buffet)
—VEGAS BUFFET TAKE-OUT. All you can fit into a container for $16. I wonder if anyone has done it.

Bacon Jam (Carson Kitchen)
baked brie, toasted baguette

A hot jam, with indiscernible Brie.

Crispy Chicken Skins (Carson Kitchen)
smoked honey

Order this instead.

Pizza Doughnut (O Face Doughnuts)
pepperoni, marinara, fresh mozzarella

Made to order and just wretched. Like a clumsy Hot Pocket.

A Lox and Cream Cheese Doughnut is also available. [shudders]

Caviar Tacos (Rose. Rabbit. Lie.)
wild caviar, yukon gold potato shell, hamachi

The name is misleading. They are petite raw fish tacos topped with caviar.

Fish Tacos (District One)
yellow tail, avocado, cilantro, cherry tomato, serrano pepper

Same raw fish. No caviar. Just as tasty.

Also, you order off an edible menu that, when I visited, was served with an apricot dipping sauce.

Pot au Pho (Rose. Rabbit. Lie.)
filet mignon, beef brisket, foie gras, thai basil nage

A mash-up of pot-au-feu, a French boiled dinner of meat and vegetables, and pho, a Vietnamese noodle soup. No noodles, to my dismay. Just a pho-flavoured pot-au-feu.

Chocolate Terrarium (Rose. Rabbit. Lie.)
chocolate pudding, chocolate buttermilk cake, chocolate "soil," puffed wild rice, crispy chocolate tuile, hazelnut ice cream

Everything under the dome is edible, including the flowers, should you want to eat real flowers.

The puffed rice larvae are a fun touch.

Missed Connections

[$27.77] Golden Jackpot Pancakes (The Pantry)
seven pancakes, seven types of chocolate [milk, white, caramelized white, dolce white, caramel, 64% dark, 66% dark], orange marmalade, whipped cream, 23-karat gold flakes

Live Whole Maine Lobster Pho (District One)
lobster, rice noodle soup

Croquetas de Pollo (Bazaar Meat)
chicken-bechamel fritters

Served in a glass sneaker designed by Salma Hayek's brother.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

16. Pooey Louie (Louie, S05E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "But I didn't do anything!"
    "Bologna on rye, Phil!"
    "No! Truth meat on honesty bread!" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E10)
  • "I asked for a do-over and instead I got a doo doo-over. Boom, I still got it." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E10)
  • "Todd, I did not co-write 'Fields of Gold.' The only person who wrote that song was Sting." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E10)
  • The Winklevii? (Silicon Valley, S02E01)
  • "I don't want to live in a world where someone else makes the world a better place better than we do." (Silicon Valley, S02E01)
  • Ronnie Gardocki! (Silicon Valley, S02E01)
  • Reposado! (Silicon Valley, S02E01)

(Silicon Valley, S02E01)

  • "That's just the kind of guy that Peter was – warm, generous, and not disappointed in Snapchat." (Silicon Valley, S02E01)
  • "That wasn't a cock-thumb. That was a cock-cock!" (Veep, S04E01)
  • "Shit doesn't hit fuck." (Veep, S04E01)
  • "'FUTURE WHATEVER.'" (Veep, S04E01)
  • "If you call a white guy 'brother,' then he'll give you everything you want." (China, IL, S03E02)
  • "The spirit of Jesus is a man who never touched a booby." (China, IL, S03E02)
  • 50 shades of Gotham (Gotham, S01E19)
  • Norma shooting her phone (Bates Motel, S03E06)
  • Norman in a dress (Bates Motel, S03E06)
  • "We're talking about freedom of speech. It's the amendment so important, it's literally the first one they remembered to add."
    "For white people."
    "With penises."
    "We prefer to be called people without colour or vaginas." (Community, S06E06)
  • "Let's see you type more descriptions of my 'Houseguest-era Sinbad wardrobe.'" (Community, S06E06)
  • All-American Girl, heh (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E12)
  • Face Off Season Grade: D
  • "Sorry, fellas. Want to drink in here, you need a badge or a pair of tits."
    "Art, [sigh] show him your tits." (Justified, S06E13)
  • "You gonna read that book, Tim?"
    "No, Nelson, I'm gonna eat it." (Justified, S06E13)
  • "We dug coal together." (Justified, S06E13)
  • Justified Season Grade: B
  • Joe Torre holding back Will Sasso (The Comedians, S01E02)
  • "I'm just trying to fit in with all these legends and Will Sasso." (The Comedians, S01E02)
  • Pamela nixing the flashback (Louie, S05E02)
  • Bart Folding (Louie, S05E02)
  • Lucas Bros. Moving Co. Season Grade: B-
  • "My dad, when he moved from Rome to Seattle, he literally said, 'The fun part of my life is over.'"
    "Did he happen to say that when you burst out of your mother's vagina as well?"
    "Yes, but I didn't burst out. I was cut out."
    "Straight through the old…"
    "No, they went through her back. Very rare Italian C-section through the back."
    "Oh, through her back. That's interesting. That's how you were conceived." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E13)


Sorry, No Carnitas

You know, I expected more fuss over Mindy Kaling's brother posing as a black person when applying for medical school – the Mindy's brother's project.

In my junior year of college, I realized that I didn't have the grades or test scores to get into medical school, at least not as an Indian-American.

Still, I was determined to become a doctor and I knew that admission standards for certain minorities under affirmative action were, let's say… less stringent?

So, I shaved my head, trimmed my long Indian eyelashes, and applied to medical school as a black man. I even joined the Organization of Black Students.

Bollywood Soul Man!

Vijay the Indian-American frat boy became Jojo the African American Affirmative Action applicant to medical school.

Reverse Urkel.

Jojo is his middle name – Vijay Jojo Chokalingam. (What kind of Indian parents pick Mindy and Jojo as middle names for their children?)

Not everything worked out as planned. Cops harassed me. Store clerks accused me of shoplifting. Women were either scared of me or found my bald power dome very attractive.


Don't you have to list your full name when applying to college? Vijay the African-American?

Rory: Indian father, black mother.

As a child, I was fascinated by John Howard Griffin's Black Like Me.

In retrospect, I'm surprised that anyone thought he was a black person. His facial features are conspicuously off.

Story Idea: While repeating John Howard Griffin's Black Like Me experiment in contemporary America, a white college student is unjustifiably shot and killed by a cop.

Story Idea: Self-made Batman. When a black lad's parents are unjustifiably shot and killed by a cop…

Sitcom Idea: An Indian (feather) man with three sons marries an Indian (dot) woman with three daughters. Set in Indiana.


I can't stop watching this trailer for a documentary film about a disabled wrestling league in Tokyo:

2015 films I must see:
1. The Wolfpack
2. Prince
3. Doglegs