Tell 'em we don't die, we multiply

I asked B's seven-year-old daughter what she wants for Christmas.

—Dinner at Gary Danko.

[spit-take]

—You're too young to eat there.
—Noo, I ate at Plumed Horse…

—You bring your children to Michelin-starred restaurants?


At supermarkets in my area, you can buy pre-packed bags of non-perishable goods to drop in donation bins. It's perverse altruism, like corporations buying carbon offsets.


[pause]

"California Lottery Scratchers make the perfect holiday gift."

But what if the scratchers you give don't yield any money?

Are there special holiday scratchers where everyone is a winner? And if so, most prizes can't possibly be very much – medium fries, maybe a breakfast sandwich.

Simply go to your nearest Lottery retailer, pick up a Golden Greeting envelope along with your Lottery gift purchase… [source]

Just regular scratchers. Trick or treat.

B: You're giving fun. The gift is fun. Winning money is a bonus.
Jon: Fun…

Jon: Would you rather receive scratchers, or a word search and some cash?


If I give my story to the world, I wonder if they'd book me for a show

WONKA
A dark reimagining of the Willy Wonka story beginning in World War II and culminating with his takeover of the chocolate factory.

The Black List is an annual survey of Hollywood's "most liked" unproduced screenplays.

I AM RYAN REYNOLDS
An inside look at the marriage, career, and mental state of 2010's Sexiest Man Alive.

1000 Deaths

I hear nothing but terrible things about office holiday parties, but just once in my life, I would like to attend one.

My current job, the staff is scattered around the country.

Before this job, long-term unemployment.

Before that, I temped at the headquarters of a chain steakhouse, handling seasonal gift card sales. As a temp, I was not invited to the office holiday party. Instead, I ate at Chipotle and saw The King's Speech.

Before that, I worked in a gadget manufacturer's American satellite office. During my tenure, my boss never employed more than three people at once and understandably did not bother with office holiday parties.

Before that, more long-term unemployment.

And before that, office holiday parties for my job in college always conflicted with class. One year, I created foamcore decorations for the party, which I was told were a hit.


Livestrong bracelet, heh.

So yeah. Someday my office holiday party will come.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

50. Black people can't be racist (Black-ish, S01E10)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Presents is like old people third base."
    "No, that's rubbing butts together." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E10)
  • "Caesar salad with tater tots instead of croutons." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E10)
  • "Who's your favourite president?"
    "Bill Pullman." (Bob's Burgers, S05E06)
  • "Christmas magic is wine?"
    "It's whatever you want it to be. It can be snow, or Santa, or beer, or gin, or rum, or schnapps." (Bob's Burgers, S05E06)
  • "I thought this was a disco."
    "That's Wednesdays. Thursdays, we watch Scandal." (Bob's Burgers, S05E06)
  • "I'm here every Friday night. And Thursdays. I love Scandal." (Bob's Burgers, S05E06)
  • "I want your big hairy nuts." (Getting On, S02E05)
  • Matt Berry cuts off Josh Homme's nose (Toast of London, S02E06)
  • "I'm going back home to Long Island, the birthplace of the female crew cut." (New Girl, S04E11)
  • "It's Christmas."
    "Oh, I didn't know that. I thought they just did a black version of Annie for no reason." (New Girl, S04E11)
  • "Hey, let's wait in the first class lounge, like the other HBO Go subscribers." (New Girl, S04E11)
  • Pervert Santa is Mr. Belding?! (New Girl, S04E11)
  • "It was worse than the last season of Scrubs. A teaching hospital? Come on." (New Girl, S04E11)
  • "I'm-a cut you and Michael Cera's baby!" (Friends of the People, S01E07)
  • "Calling all the fighting spirits of every black martial artist in the universe: Jar Jar Binks, Wendy Williams, Panthro from the ThunderCats." (Friends of the People, S01E07)
  • "Ron Artest?"
    "Hey, fool, my name is Tiny Lister." (Friends of the People, S01E07)
  • A doll warehouse? (Sons of Anarchy, S07E13)
  • Vic Mackey, heh (Sons of Anarchy, S07E13)
  • Sons of Anarchy Season Grade: C-
  • It's car product placement week on Fox-produced sitcoms (Modern Family, S06E10)
  • "Santa was the first white man I ever loved." (Black-ish, S01E10)
  • "The White House was just that – white – until one man broke through and gave my people hope – Dennis Haysbert in 24." (Black-ish, S01E10)
  • "Mexican female Santa?! No! Too far from the box! Get closer! Closer to the box!" (Black-ish, S01E10)
  • "Goddamn it, I was so close to a nut." (American Horror Story, S04E09)
  • Dandy channeling Yeezus (American Horror Story, S04E09)
  • T-2Pac (South Park, S18E10)


Iggy Azalea (South Park, S18E10)

  • "I am trending into something more than human. I am becoming…trendsgender" – best callback (South Park, S18E10)
  • South Park Season Grade: C+
  • Key and Peele Season Grade: C-
  • Death, taxes, Nigella's team being eliminated first (The Taste, S03E02)
  • "Hey, when you take a wiz, do you get a sense of khalifa?" (The Eric Andre Show, S03E06)
  • "311 never happened." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E06)
  • "1 877 kars for kids." (Saturday Night Live, S40E09)
  • "It's rows and rows of little Filipino ladies." (Saturday Night Live, S40E09)
  • "Someone just mistook her for Mila Kunis."
    "Yes, you do look like Mila! Doesn't she? Yes, yes. And you look like someone famous as well."
    "Really…"
    "Yeah. Who is it?"
    "I know who it is."
    "It's a movie star, isn't it?"
    "Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's Jude Law." (Hello Ladies: The Movie)
  • Allison Tolman! (Hello Ladies: The Movie)
  • "Don't get hung up on any one woman. Not worth it. You know what pussy is spelled backwards? Wise up." (Hello Ladies: The Movie)
  • Hello Ladies: The Movie Grade: B-


(Homeland, S04E06)

  • "You point your finger at Islam, but if Christianity is to be judged by the misery it has caused mankind, who would ever be a Christian?"
    "I'm a Jew." (Homeland, S04E07)
  • "Afghanistan."
    "The graveyard of empires." (Homeland, S04E07)
  • "I am authorized to kill U.S. citizens on the battlefield, you motherfucker. Don't think I can't do whatever is required. Don't think that I won't." (Homeland, S04E09)

#clipoftheweek


Christian Fitness

$2 Holiday Customer Appreciation, $3 Select, $4 Lunch, Simple $6 Menu – how many ways can Subway put lipstick on a six-inch sandwich?

A six-inch sandwich from Subway is barely food. If $5 footlongs aren't sustainable, how about a $5 nine-inch sandwich? 3/4 4 $5!

Should I ask him if he liked DJANGO?

Rory: The National League is the Big 12 – everyone plays everyone. The American League is the SEC – everyone plays eight instead of nine conference games for a competitive advantage. DHs = FCS teams.

Jon: What happens next year when the Rose Bowl isn't hosting a College Football Playoff semifinal? Does ESPN counterprogram the "grandaddy of them all" with a playoff game? I mean, you can't move the Rose Parade…
Rory: Sandwich the Rose Bowl between the two playoff games.
Jon: Like it's a women's wrestling match?

Rory: Oh. In years when the Rose Bowl doesn't host a semifinal, the semifinal games will be played on December 31.
Jon: I can understand exhibition bowls on New Year's Eve, but playoff games?
Rory: Hey, last year's Chick-fil-A exhibition at 8:00 PM on December 31 drew the highest rating for a non-BCS bowl game on ESPN since 2000.
Jon: Hmmph. So New Year's Eve is Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock, and New Year's Day is Triple H vs. Chris Jericho.
Rory: In years when the Rose Bowl doesn't host a semifinal.

Jon: When the College Football Playoff expands to eight teams, the quarterfinal games should all be played on the first day of the bowl fortnight. Make December 20…Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart.
Rory: [pause]
Jon: WrestleMania X, not SummerSlam 1994.
Rory: Ohhh… So New Year's Eve is…Shawn Michaels vs. Razor Ramon, and New Year's Day is Bret vs. Yokozuna?
Jon: In years when the Rose Bowl doesn't host a semifinal. In years when it does…

Jon: In years when it does, December 20 is SmackDown Money in the Bank, New Year's Eve is Christian vs. Randy Orton, and New Year's Day is CM Punk vs. John Cena.


Starbucks Lovers


The fuck is this?

Rory: Where would you rank Charlie Hunnam's career among Undeclared cast members?
Jon: Hmm… Well, among the main cast, second, behind Seth Rogen.

1. Seth Rogen
2. Charlie Hunnam
3. Jay Baruchel
4. Loudon Wainwright III
5. Carla Gallo
6. Timm Sharp
7. Monica Keena
8. Christina Payano

Jon: Among the extended cast, though… Umm… Fifth?

1. Seth Rogen
2. Kevin Hart
3. Amy Poehler
4. Jason Segel
5. Charlie Hunnam

Jon: Had he not dropped out of 50 Shades of Grey, he would be four and Segel five.


Get happy or get your ass out


Let's judge this book by its cover:

Hot or not?

Oh it was filmed in Thailand! And the victims are all lesbians!

Allie has to decide fast… stay in this human cesspool and track down the killer, or return home to Detroit.

She chooses the less disturbing and dangerous option.

Bangkok. She chooses to stay in Bangkok.

Obviously people abbreviate and use accepted shorthand when texting, but this is ridiculous. "Sry sum dork naybr" and "no wz awsum, seriosly" are some of the more legible examples.

And while I'm no connoisseur of sexy-time chat-rooms, I find it hard to believe mimes make a habit of hanging out in them. [source]

#OMGWTFDVD

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

49. Michael Jackson's "Black Or White" video morphing HANNITIZED (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)


Honourable Mention


Stray Observations

  • "Terry loves kreplach." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • "I had an airtight break-up plan in place. I made a reservation next Thursday at a well-lit Korean restaurant in Midtown. It's the least romantic place I could think of." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • "Now I know how Salieri felt." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E09)
  • [fires gun] "Shut up…" (The Walking Dead, S05E08)
  • "Cupcake-flavoured ice cream served on a waffle. Pizza tacos. Robot cake. Hot fudge car wash." (Bob's Burgers, S05E05)
  • "There's no such thing as an innocent fart anymore." (Getting On, S02E04)


(Getting On, S02E04)

  • "I'm studying anogenital distances, gender flips, vaginal atrophy, I have been invited to participate in the Cochran study on anal augmentation for female fecal incontinence…" (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "We can no longer sweep female fecal incontinence under the rug." (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "It was the harmless transmission of an errant vulva." (Getting On, S02E04)
  • "I'm a damn feminist who loves purses. Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings? In a purse. That's where."
    "Lena Dunham… [pause] I don't know… I–" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • "What's your favourite thing about America?"
    "Kentucky women."
    "Favourite part of The Rock?"
    "'Welcome to the Rock.'" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • "Now she works whenever she wants. It's a scam called 'consulting.'" (New Girl, S04E10)
  • Drink every time Chibs or Tig receives a phone call and informs Jax what his next scene is (Sons of Anarchy, S07E12)
  • "Go home, Wayne."
    "I can't do that. This is all I got left." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E12)
  • "Leave."
    [grabs leaves] (Modern Family, S06E09)
  • "There is not an Esther Choi on Earth who needs math tutoring." (Modern Family, S06E09)
  • "You race card, sir."
    "Ah, my African-American Express." (Black-ish, S01E09)
  • "Freemium gaming destroys lives. I lost my father to Candy Crush." (South Park, S18E09)
  • "All I do is rip off Missy." (South Park, S18E09)
  • "Death would be preferable to Tampa." (American Horror Story, S04E08)
  • It's matricide week on FX (American Horror Story, S04E08)
  • "I'm not going back to Instagram." (Babylon, S01E04)
  • 2Pac's "California Love" HANNITIZED (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "I'm using Asian condiments to loosen these cuffs." (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "What do you think Drag-On is up to now?" (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)


(The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)

  • "Some garbage is OK." (The Eric Andre Hannibal Buress Show, S03E05)
  • "His first name is a crime. Please welcome Rob Corddry." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E18)
  • "813.54."
    "You still remember my Dewey Decimal number."
    "Zero."
    "You still remember the amount of times I've had sex." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E18)
  • "I have a thyroid issue, like my father before me." (Saturday Night Live, S40E08)

#clipoftheweek