Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

50. Pasta Bañana (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E07)

Honourable Mention

  • Shootout (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)

Stray Observations

  • "So what's everybody's Christmas plans?"
    "I'm going to treat myself to a new penis." (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "Hey, where did all the tiny candy canes go? Augie…"
    "What? I needed them for my tiny candy cane trees."
    "But how the hell will my candy cripples walk?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "You're carolers, right? I love carolers."
    "Love killing them, or…?"
    "Nothing." (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "What's happening?"
    "We're pointing guns at each other's gingerbread houses, obviously."
    "Where were you even hiding that?"
    "Let's just say I have a high butt crack." (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • "Okay, now you say something nice about me."
    "You have pretty…eye?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E07)
  • Kevin's pronunciation of "ouroboros" (Shameless, S07E09)
  • "I do not show love regular. I show by doing. I fix bar. I watch kids. I cook. I give oral. I protect from dangerous Russian. Everything for these two."
    "Kev and Vee, are you hearing Lana?"
    "What is she saying?"
    "She gives oral." (Shameless, S07E09)
  • William McPoyle-ing (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "If you were to proclaim your humanity to the world, what do you imagine would greet you? A ticker tape parade, perhaps? We humans are alone in this world for a reason. We murdered and butchered anything that challenged our primacy. Do you know what happened to the Neanderthals, Bernard? We ate them. We destroyed and subjugated our world. And when we eventually ran out of creatures to dominate, we built this beautiful place." (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "The piano doesn't murder the player if it doesn't like the music." (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "Never place your trust in us. We're only human. Inevitably, we will disappoint you." (Westworld, S01E09)
  • "So, uhh, should I play some music or something like that? I have, like, a week left on my trial subscription to Tidal…" (Insecure, S01E08)
  • "Sorry for making this about me."
    "Yeah, make it about it's my birthday. It'll be about you if you get hit or have a baby." (Insecure, S01E08)
  • "Damn her pussy fat." (Insecure, S01E08)
  • "Is that why Lawrence hit you?" (Insecure, S01E08)
  • Insecure Season Grade: B-
  • "Never meet your heroes. Marie Callender was a real bitch." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "I know it sounds crazy, but the Caribbean might be more fun than Iowa."
    "In what universe?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "You pantsing Patrick Ewing has nothing to do with this." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place of work when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "BO-O-O-O-NE!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "The council of the cousins."
    "Look at them. It's like a beige of pigs." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "How many Knicks have you pantsed?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "You always smell just a little bit like vanilla."
    "That's my soap. I got it at Lush." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E08)
  • "Ohh, this was a double-edged coin." (New Girl, S06E08)
  • They shot at Costco but couldn't use an actual Costco card as a prop? (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E06)
  • "Oh, dad!"
    "Oh, sorry. That's my default way of speaking. I meant 'Ohh, dad…'" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E06)
  • "Mom, you said you'd be out here 10 minutes ago."
    "I'm getting JJ dressed, okay?"
    "JJ's right here."
    "Okay, fine, I was doing a maze." (Speechless, S01E08)
  • "Wow, so your boy got himself a snowflake."
    "And, he didn't even have to become a professional athlete." (Black-ish, S03E08)
  • "We want it to look like the VIP lounge at American Airlines."
    "I have $62."
    "Fine. Delta Airlines." (Black-ish, S03E08)
  • "So you mean to tell me that you have two John Mayer tickets on you at all times."
    "At all times. They tried to offer me Dave Matthews tickets, but I don't want a woman that white." (Black-ish, S03E08)
  • "A group of Korean women is called a 'raft.'" (Black-ish, S03E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


A Moon Shaped Poo

// Brooklyn, NY

Jon: Hi. The water in my bathroom isn't heating up past lukewarm.
Front Desk: Did you let it run for 10-15 minutes?
Jon: [pause]

I dislike how most hotels don't provide liquid hand soap.

For one thing, I perceive liquid soap to be more effective at sanitising my hands after wiping my butt than solid soap.

Moreover, washing my face with the same bar of soap that I wash my hands with after wiping my butt is unsavoury to me.

Those who hate Los Angeles have never been in love

Put a sriracha bottle on it!

Sriracha bottle is the "Warriors blew a 3-1 lead" of design.

No one wants socks or a skateboard deck with a Tapatio label on it?
Rory: Oh, those exist too…

Idea: Red Sriracha bottle condom with a green tip.

This year, Pepsi created its own emojis and Coca-Cola created a selfie bottle.

Where the #RCchallenge at?

And with that—

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

49. Kelly vs. Evil Ash Puppet (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E08)

Stray Observations

  • "Well, our boyfriend is coming over any minute, and he has a Bowflex!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E05)
  • "Okay, Gene, I have a plan."
    "Great. I have diarrhea." (Bob's Burgers, S07E05)
  • "Oh, God. I think I just bisqued my pants." (Bob's Burgers, S07E05)
  • Pablo! (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E08)
  • "It's just bad and boring, like avocado toast." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "Everyone likes stanzas." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "Gene, when you said, 'Tina, your play's got the goods,' and you said 'goods' like it had a 'z' at the end, that was just a bunch of crap?"
    "I never should have put that 'z' on the end. That's my biggest regret in all of this mezz."
  • "Don't get your pubes in a tube."
    "I will get my pubes in a tube! We should all get our pubes in a tube!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "I feel like my soul has diarrhea." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • "But now those birds with perfect bodies / are decapitated hotties." (Bob's Burgers, S07E06)
  • ♫: The Delta Riggs – "No Friends" (Shameless, S07E08)
  • RT: Carl is terrible at throwing darts because he only has one eye. (The Walking Dead, S07E05)
  • "He's a coward. They're more dangerous." (The Walking Dead, S07E05)

(The Walking Dead, S07E05)

  • "I'm a killer. My God, my God…"
    "God has nothing to do with it. You killed her because…I told you to." (Westworld, S01E08)
  • RT: The Man in Black is trying to make his way to the center of a maze, so of course he and Teddy have to fight a man dressed as a minotaur on their way there. (Westworld, S01E08)
  • "There is no threshold that makes us greater than the sum of our parts, no inflection point at which we become fully alive. We can't define consciousness because consciousness does not exist. Humans fancy that there's something special about the way we perceive the world, and yet we live in loops as tight and as closed as the hosts do, seldom questioning our choices, content, for the most part, to be told what to do next. No, my friend, you're not missing anything at all." (Westworld, S01E08)
  • "Jackie Chan is too thirsty." (Insecure, S01E07)
  • "Let's do the nigga rundown." (Insecure, S01E07)
  • Titus doing the #UNameItChallenge (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • RT: Titus sees Enzo's cock, Enzo tells him "no pictures." They're just ribbing the fuck out of Titus at this point. (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • "I'll tell you whose fault it is…"
    "Roman Reigns!" (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • Jericho wearing Sin Cara's mask [and a Nakamura hoodie] (WWE Raw, 11-21-16)
  • "Pretty big night. The three most important men in your life under one roof."
    "Well, Will Shortz isn't here…"
    "Ah. Burn on Holt…probably." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E07)
  • "These knives are a part of me, like that, uhh, scissorhand guy. What is his name again? Is it Rick Snip?" (New Girl, S06E07)
  • Crazyhead Season Grade: C
  • "I grabbed a little guac to help me cool off while Antonio continued to put it in the mitt." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E06)
  • ♫: "Since U Been Gone" (Search Party, S01E03)
  • Damn, Michael Showalter got fat (Search Party, S01E05)

The ending! (Search Party, S01E10)

  • Search Party Season Grade: C+

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Wish You Were Beer

Why didn't anyone tell me about this?

Pepe: Have you seen The Purge?
Jon: Yes.
Pepe: I just met with the company that produced it.
Jon: Oh, [redacted].
Pepe: Yes. They want me to write an immigration-related horror film inspired by my life.
Jon: Erm…
Pepe: I need your help brainstorming pitches. As you know, I don't like horror films.
Jon: Right.
Pepe: The last one I saw was… Is The Blair Witch Project horror?
Jon: Yes.

Jon: Remember when you visited that border town in Texas to cover the Central American refugee children crisis, unaware of how difficult it is for an undocumented immigrant to leave a border town in Texas, with border protection agents at airport security and border protection traffic checkpoints set up within a 45-mile radius?
Jon: That, plus late one night, a drunk militiaman harasses you, you two tussle, and you accidentally kill him, triggering a manhunt for you.
Jon: Escape from McAllen.
Jon: Children of Men × Judgment Night, with a little Running Scared mentalness mixed in.

Steven: I want an old-school serial killer film that focuses on gays.
Steven: Like an updated Cruising.
Jon: What does that have to do with immigration?
Jon: Well, undocuqueers…
Jon: A white, Trump-supporting, self-hating gay homophobe murders undocuqueers after having sex with them as the bottom.

Immigration Game is set in an alternate 2016. Germany refuses to receive any more refugees. The only way to obtain a residence permit is to participate in the popular Internet and television show 'Immigration Game.' Whoever participates as a "Runner" in 'Immigration Game' will be abandoned on the outskirts of Berlin and must make their way to the television tower at Alexanderplatz. For prize money every German citizen may chase and eventually kill the refugees entirely unpunished.

Eater's Digest: Philadelphia 4

Previously on Adam Riff™: Eater's Digest: Philadelphia 3

October 2016
beiler's bakery / itv / the sidecar bar and grille / skygarten / royal sushi and izakaya / south philly barbacoa / stock / little baby's ice cream / destination dogs

A low-key birthday jaunt.

Apple Fritter (Beiler's Bakery)
—A warm Beiler's apple fritter should replace the dying Great Barrier Reef as one of the seven natural wonders of the world.

Beef Fat Biscuit (ITV)
scallion honey butter
—Comparable to the stellar biscuits at Momofuku Daishō.

Chicken Liver Stroopwafel (ITV)
plum agrodolce

^ Chicken liver and jam is a tried-and-true combination. I had never had it in stroopwafel form, though.

Adobo Sidecar Wings (The Sidecar Bar and Grille)
ginger-cilantro kalamansi sauce, scallions
—Seemingly every time I visit Philadelphia, Drew's chef friends happen to be cooking stuff that he conceived. This visit: Filipino wings.

Jon: Are there any foods that you dislike?
Drew: Hmm…
[one minute passes]
Drew: Pears.

Hidden inside a Queen Village red brick row house, (Royal Sushi and Izakaya) is the darkest [visually] restaurant I have ever been to. Imagine eating Japanese food in the climactic fight of Ang Lee's Hulk.

I wanted to try (Little Baby's Ice Cream)'s Earl Grey Sriracha, Everything Bagel, and Ranch flavours, but the only intriguing flavour available when I stopped by was

Cheese Board Ice Cream (Little Baby's Ice Cream)
melted aged cheddar and chevre cheese ice cream, crushed crackers, toasted pine nuts, local triple berry jam

Anyway, Weckerly's is better.

(Stock) is one of Eater's "essential Philadelphia restaurants," and to my surprise, its proprietor didn't bother to build out a kitchen. Food is cooked on freakin' hot plates.

Vietnamese Iced Coffee (Stock)

Philly has a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb
Philly has a little lamb joint serving barbaco…a

(South Philly Barbacoa), Bon Appétit's sixth best new restaurant in America for 2016, is like Philadelphia's Pizzeria Beddia – wonky hours, limited menu, cash only.

Lamb Barbacoa Taco (South Philly Barbacoa)
Lamb Pancita Taco (South Philly Barbacoa)

^ Consomé (South Philly Barbacoa)
—Made with lamb drippings.

Previously on Adam Riff™:

O.M.G. Burger (LVB Burgers)
duck burger stuffed with muenster cheese, smoked ketchup, heirloom tomato, watercress, roasted duck mayo
—Where I began to wonder if I actually love duck, or if I just love Peking duck. [to be continued in Philadelphia]

Mighty Duck [Anaheim / SNA] (Destination Dogs)
duck sausage, duck confit in hoisin sauce, chicharrones, grilled scallions, sesame seeds
—More duck on duck, and more…nothingness. I fed most of this dog to dogs.


One Bite in Bangkok [Thailand, BKK] (Destination Dogs)
python sausage, cucumber salad, tomato pepper jelly, crushed peanuts, cilantro
—Python sausage.

The Underdog [Australia, SYD] (Destination Dogs)
kangaroo sausage, frizzled onions, vegemite aioli
—Kangaroo sausage with Vegemite mayo.

Racist food truck?

Tempura Cheese Curds (Double Knot)
yum yum sauce, cilantro

Duck Scrapple Bao Bun (Double Knot)
maple teriyaki, cucumber, chili

Rice Krispy Sushi (Sampan)
vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce, peanut

Chocolate Stout Vinegar Custard (Martha)
almond crumble, malted milk powder

Baba's Pumpkin Pie Kombucha (Martha)


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

47. Shawshank Redemption Role Play (The Last Man on Earth, S03E06)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

Heh. (The Simpsons, S28E07)

  • Chet Haze! (Shameless, S07E07)
  • "I just slipped my dick down your throat and you thanked me for it." (The Walking Dead, S07E04)
  • "Vaya con Dios, motherfuckers." (Westworld, S01E07)
  • "You think I'm scared of death? I've done it a million times, and I'm fucking great at it. How many times have you died?" (Westworld, S01E07)
  • "I read a theory once that the human intellect was like peacock feathers – just an extravagant display intended to attract a mate. All of art, literature, a bit of Mozart, William Shakespeare, Michelangelo, and the Empire State Building – just an elaborate mating ritual. Maybe it doesn't matter that we have accomplished so much for the basest of reasons. But, of course, the peacock can barely fly. It lives in the dirt, pecking insects out of the muck, consoling itself with its great beauty. I have come to think of so much of consciousness as a burden, a weight, and we have spared them that. Anxiety, self-loathing, guilt. The hosts are the ones who are free. Free, here, under my control." (Westworld, S01E07)
  • "Kinda feel like masturbating." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E06)
  • "Homely Lonelys – these are plain women who don't have grandkids." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E06)
  • "You still got errands?!" (Insecure, S01E06)
  • "I can't see shit behind this big ass hat." (Insecure, S01E06)
  • Nia Jax (WWE Raw, 11-14-16)
  • "Chince McMahon." (WWE Raw, 11-14-16)
  • "How drunk is he?"
    "Remember the night they cancelled Bunheads?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E06)
  • "Look at me. So drunk, I'm alliterating, like a beatnik." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E06)
  • Holt's obsession with balloon arches (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E06)
  • "Just so we're clear, when you say you're a 7 breathing down a 6's back, are you referring to Cece? Is she the 6?" (New Girl, S06E06)
  • "I used to crush at the gym, and now I'm just mediocre, like early Beyoncé. Nobody will say it, but you know it's true." (New Girl, S06E06)
  • Joe Manganiello (New Girl, S06E06)
  • "All white people want is a sense of a community." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E05)
  • "Who put you up to this? Your white friends? No more white friends! New rule!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E05)
  • "P to the E to the Eabo Bryson." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E05)
  • Channel Zero Season Grade: C+
  • "Are you sure your dad's not gay?"
    "What? Are you insane? My— That's the most ridiculous thing I think I've ever heard. He watches Top Gear." (Crazyhead, S01E05)
  • "Stroke of midnight, on Halloween, she'll act as a gateway. The legions of Hell will pour into this world."
    "Are they really gonna pour out of her twat like on the poster?"
    "No. That was a screw-up by the designer." (Crazyhead, S01E05)
  • "Yeah, now who's the dickhead with a canoe on his car?" (Crazyhead, S01E05)
  • "It was my sanctuary, to relax."
    "Shut up. It's where you hid your side-chicks."
    "Side-chicks are very relaxing." (Black-ish, S03E07)
  • "Why did I think you liked Furbys?" (Rectify, S04E04)
  • Masturbatory ending (Rectify, S04E04)
  • "Did we get cleared to show Jewish butt?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E05)
  • "I dreamt that I showed Jewish butt." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E05)
  • "Name one family that's just a bunch of cells."
    "Osmosis Jones." (You're the Worst, S03E12)
  • ♫: Martha – "Ice Cream and Sunscreen" (You're the Worst, S03E12)
  • "It looks like it should be screaming at an old lady in an Aphex Twin video." (You're the Worst, S03E13)
  • You're the Worst Season Grade: C+
  • American Horror Story Season Grade: C+

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta