Penis Hernandez

Combine your zodiac symbol with your Chinese zodiac animal.

A: Dog scales. Meh.

Dragon produces the best combinations.

Libra + Dragon = Dragon scale.
Gemini + Dragon = Jackie Chan film or NES beat-'em-up game.
Virgo + Dragon = Daenerys Targaryen.

Napoleon Dynamite's favourite animal = Leo + Tiger.

Metal Gear Solid remake for Gamecube = Gemini + Snake.

Mortal kombatants = Scorpio + Snake.

An unbelievable story = Rooster + Taurus.

Against the groin = Rooster + Aquarius. Water bearer = cup.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

24. Haller vs. Farouk (Legion, S02E11)

♫: "Behind Blue Eyes" in Farsi

Stray Observations

Stray Observations

  • "What about monsoons?"
    » [WHAT ABOUT MONSOONS?] (Ghosted, S01E10)
  • ♫: HAIM – "The Wire" (Ghosted, S01E10)
  • "Tonight is important night. We are trying to book Milo Yiannopoulos to DJ a baby shower." (Claws, S02E01)
  • ♫: Bryan Ferry – "Slave to Love" (Pose, S01E02)
  • "You talking about dreams? Aspirations? Those are only words that only last in the suburbs." (Pose, S01E02)
  • "What are you?"
    "I'm no one. I want what I'm supposed to want, I wear what I'm supposed to wear, and I work where I'm supposed to work. I stand for nothing. I've never fought in a war, and I probably won't ever have to, 'cause the next one's gonna kill us all. I can buy things I can't afford, which means they're never really mine. I don't live. I don't believe. I accumulate. I'm a brand – a middle-class white guy. But you're who you are even though the price you pay for it is being disinvited from the rest of the world. I'm the one playing dress-up. Is it wrong to want to be with one of the few people in the world who isn't, to have one person in my life who I know is real?" (Pose, S01E02)
  • "Is your driver going uptown?"
    "Yes. Subway's two blocks away." (Pose, S01E02)
  • ♫: Piano "Heart-Shaped Box" (Westworld, S02E08)
  • "My pain was selfish, because it was never only mine. For every body in this place, there was someone who mourned their loss, even if they didn't know why. We were all bound together, the living and the damned." (Westworld, S02E08)
  • "Everybody's probably doing a cool new dance move."
    » [raising the roof] (Joe Pera Talks With You, S01E07)
  • "I just wonder what colour underwear I need to wear to get my New Year's wish: a commercial deli slicer." (Joe Pera Talks With You, S01E07)
  • "Pera's Four Stages of Watching Fireworks" (Joe Pera Talks With You, S01E07)
  • "Maybe I'm wrong, but I bet that even Chinese tech billionaire Jack Ma imagines what life would be like if he were Indian tech billionaire Shiv Nadar." (Joe Pera Talks With You, S01E07)
  • David, Divad, and DVD (Legion, S02E11)
  • ♫: Jeff Russo and Noah Hawley – "Nothin' in the World Can Stop Me Worryin' 'Bout That Girl" (Legion, S02E11)
  • Rape? (Legion, S02E11)
  • Legion Season Grade: C
  • Pictorial schedule (The Handmaid's Tale, S02E09)
  • "Milk, lavender, anise, White Yarrow. What, are we gonna forage into the woods or something?"
    "Hm. There's a place you can go to get all these things."
    "Where is that?"
    » [Whole Foods] (Cloak and Dagger, S01E03)
  • ♫: Alex Da Kid and Joseph Angel – "American Funeral" (Cloak and Dagger, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Joe Pera Talks With You


Meme Lord

The player character is a bottlenose dolphin who travels through time to combat hostile extraterrestrials in Earth's oceans and on an alien spacecraft.

That's the premise of Ecco the Dolphin?!

I never played it.

Maneater is a Single-Player Action RPG, set in the unforgiving waters of the Gulf Coast.

Play as a giant Bull Shark and terrorize the coastal waterways. Tear swimmers and divers limb from limb, give the humans a reason to fear you.

Experience a compelling tale of revenge centered around a human who slaughtered your mother and left you for dead. The ocean isn't big enough for both of you.

On Thursday, June 21 the Fresno Grizzlies will rebrand for one game as the Zamunda Lions.

Coming. to. America. night.

A first-base concession stand will be transformed into McDowell's.


Gluten Classico

I bought of pack of Cherry Cola Oreos to try and now have a bunch of Cherry Cola-flavoured Oreos that I don't want to eat but don't want to bin either.

Idea: Samplr – a service that allows you to sample any non-perishable or non-frozen item you see in a supermarket.

1. Photograph items you wish to sample with Samplr's app.
2. Check out.
3. Receive a box of samples in the mail.

Pay per box. $5 per box, including shipping. Check-out minimum is seven items. $0.50 for each additional item. Maximum 12 samples per box.

Idea: MoviePass for fast food. Enjoy any one fast food item per day for a flat monthly fee. Plus, try any new fast food item at no cost.

Idea: A grim and gritty reboot of Austin Powers to ouroboros Daniel Craig's Bond films. Domhnall Gleeson as Austin Powers.

What is your reputation worth to the Mike Litorises of the world?

But you don't need to be able to hear to participate in most Olympic events…

[checks Deaflympic events]

No gymnastics or figure skating…

The eight teams will play "Forza Motorsport 7."

Haven't they suffered enough?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

23. Beastie Boys – "An Open Letter to NYC" (Succession, S01E01)

Clip of the year?

Honourable Mention

  • Joe Pera discovers "Baby O'Riley" (Joe Pera Talks With You, S01E06)

Stray Observations

  • "Please don't do this. It's embarrassing."
    "We do not have the luxury of shame." (Pose S01E01)
  • "Whitney!" (Pose S01E01)
  • "I don't think God rested on the seventh day, Bernard. I think he reveled in his creation knowing that someday it would all be destroyed." (Westworld S02E07)
  • ♫: Beethoven's "Allegretto" (Westworld S02E07)
  • "When the Great Library burned, the first 10,000 years of stories were reduced to ash, but those stories never really perished. They became a new story, the story of the fire itself, of man's urge to take a thing of beauty and strike the match." (Westworld S02E07)
  • ♫: Nicholas Britell's score (Succession S01E01)
  • "[…] Or perhaps your debut album is coming out tomorrow, and you're worried that people will say you're ripping off Bruce Springsteen, but you're nothing like Bruce Springsteen. You're not from New Jersey; you're from Delaware. You make dubstep. You hair's been thinning for years. You're five foot one inch tall. You have no teeth; you're all gums. Your microphone is just an old vacuum cleaner. Your perform on your hands and knees, and you sing about Fashion Week." (Joe Pera Talks With You, S01E05)
  • "Sorry to get down on dominoes, but it's one of my core beliefs that you shouldn't waste kinetic energy." (Joe Pera Talks With You, S01E05)
  • "You don't have to be a music teacher to have you breath taken way. There's a lot of nice stuff that can do that, like a really good lightning; great water pressure; when you almost die, but then you survive; the flavour of a pineapple; […] when you open a box and your grief counselor is inside." (Joe Pera Talks With You, S01E05)
  • Comic Legion (Legion, S02E10)
  • ♫: Radiohead – "True Love Waits" (Legion, S02E10)
  • "Legion, the world killer." (Legion, S02E10)
  • ♫: Lowpass Lushes – "Bout to Do It [feat. First Class]" (The Last O.G., S01E10)
  • The Last O.G. Season Grade: D
  • ♫: Jai Wolf – "Starlight [feat. Mr Gabriel]" (Cloak and Dagger, S01E01)
  • ♫: Blur – "Tender" (Patrick Melrose, S01E05)
  • Patrick Melrose Season Grade: C
  • "What are you doing in there, Barry?"
    "Legally, it's the only place they can't record you when you talk to inmates."
    "I don't think that's true."
    "Really? I got the worst fucking clients." (Arrested Development, S05E05)
  • The Howards (Arrested Development, S05E06)
  • "I will not let that woman steal everything I've taken from her." (Arrested Development, S05E07)
  • "We are the Mexican Romneys!"
    "♫ Mexican Romney Family…" (Arrested Development, S05E07)
  • "I mean, the problem was, like you said, that we couldn't be together without branding each other's taint." (Arrested Development, S05E08)
  • "Should I tell her that my son and my niece were playing Ron and Brian?" (Arrested Development, S05E08)
  • Arrested Development Season Grade: F

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Joe Pera Talks With You


Eater's Digest: Chicago 3

Previously on Adam Riff™:

April 2018
honey butter fried chicken / fort willow / the delta / mott street / antique taco / cellar door provisions / s.k.y. / piece / proxi / saint lou's assembly / roister / bonci / minghin cuisine / smoque bbq / tribecca's cubano / the budlong / kimski / elske / chicken planet / seoul taco / s.k.y. / carnitas uruapan / pizzeria bebu / herb n' kitchen / sultan's market / shake shack / panes bread cafe / hotchocolate bakery / old habits at ludlow liquors / wyler road / sultan's market / split rail / tempesta market / saint lou's assembly / piece / the publican

Whole Chicken and Chamomile (Roister)
braised, poached, fried; with sunchokes

^ 1. A whole chicken, which was fed scraps from Manhattan's most prestigious restaurants, is butchered and brined for 24 hours in sweetened chamomile tea.

2. The thighs are deboned, brined in buttermilk, and fried. A double dredging in seasoned corn starch, buttermilk, and flour ends with a deep tissue massage for each thigh. The final touch is a sprinkling of spice blend made with chamomile tea, salt, MSG, sugar, and pepper.

3. Breasts are seared in a cast iron skillet in the 900-degree hearth until juicy on the inside and charred almost black on the outside.

4. Legs are cooked sous-vide in chicken fat before they are tossed with sunchokes, onions, celery, and sunflower seeds to make chicken salad.

Served with chicken gravy and a white, hot sauce made from sunchokes that have been steeped with habanero chiles.

Hot Chicken (The Budlong)
served with texas toast and budlong pickles

^ Awesomely crisp.

Organic Fried Chicken (S.K.Y.)
fermented habanero hot sauce, creamed corn

^ More swell fried chicken. Not sure about its accompaniments.

Spicy Chicken Parm Sandwich (Honey Butter Fried Chicken)
fried chicken strips, calabrian chile pimento cheese, spicy tomato sauce, basil, buttery bun
—Mine was delivered with mozzarella cheese instead of Calabrian chile pimento cheese [grumbling], but it was still yummy.

Chicken Salad Sandwich (Wyler Road)
chicken breast, fried chicken skin, chimichurri, sour grape jam, sprouts, whole grain
—I tasted peanut butter? – and kinda dug it.

(Fort Willow)'s interior "tree"

Braaibroodjie (Fort Willow)
sharp cheddar cheese, peach chutney, and red onion; south african spice-rubbed lamb ribs on the side

^ A South African grilled cheese.

The #99 – D.D. Brindisi Grand Avenue Pastrami (Tempesta Market)
our incomparable house wagyu beef pastrami [time, brine, molasses, love, smoke, and calabrian pepper] with bread and butter pickles, swiss, and remoulade, griddled on rye

^ Fry hard.

The Dante (Tempesta Market)
hot soppressata, mortadella, finocchiona, hot coppa, porchetta, provolone, giardiniera, 'nduja aioli, lettuce, and tomato on a baguette

^ Six Italian meats in one.

Jim Shoe Tamale (The Delta)
lamb and beef tamale, house-made pastrami, giardiniera, provolone, daf sauce, l.t.o.

^ A Jim/Gym Shoe is a Chicago sandwich featuring gyro meat, roast beef, and corned beef. (The Delta)'s play on it is a large tamale filled with lamb and beef, garnished with pastrami in corned beef's stead. Easy on the sauce, chef.

Tacos Dorados de Sesos (Carnitas Uruapan)
crispy tacos filled with spicy pork brain, onion, cilantro, and jalapeño

^ I couldn't stop eating these deep-fried pig brain tacos. Watch for toothpicks.

Kimchi and Oaxaca Empanadas (Mott Street)
masa shell; served with chimichurri crème fraîche

Bread (Mott Street)
potato and onion bread, leek-curry butter, soft baked egg

Mott Burger (Mott Street)
double chuck patties, sweet potato shoestrings, hoisin aioli, pickled jalapeños, dill pickles, miso butter, american cheese

^ One of the best burgers, if not the best burger, in Chicago? I guess…

Everything Wings (Mott Street)
crispy wings glazed with soy, jaggery, and dried chilis; tossed with sesame, poppy seed, fried shallots; served with tzatziki

Crab Dragoon (Old Habits at Ludlow Liquors)
crab meat, everything crm chz, scallions

^ Crab rangoon repulses me, but sometimes opposites attract?

Veggrolls (Old Habits at Ludlow Liquors)
curried potato, english peas, coriander chutney

^ Aloo samosas, basically.

Filipino Egg Rolls (Old Habits at Ludlow Liquors)
beef, pork, spam, patis

Jon: Rum ham? Like on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia?
Server: Yes.

Pinoy D'lite (Old Habits at Ludlow Liquors)
adobo pork shoulder, white rice, rum ham, mung beans
—Fried rice served in a Chinese take-out container. The rum ham was disappointingly just a sprinkling of rum ham bits.

Chicago Rib Tips (Old Habits at Ludlow Liquors)
classic smoked rib tips en su jugo, crispy belly tips, cheesed flour tortilla, seeded mirepoix slaw

Frensch Cut Fries (Old Habits at Ludlow Liquors)
beef gravy [served warm], malted vanilla ice cream [served cold]

^ Gravy and ice cream as dipping sauces.

Yukon Fries (Roister)
soy-dusted, bonito flakes, tofu mayo

^ Thick-cut fries stink.

(Kimski) is dubious Korean-Polish fusion.

Kimski Poutine (Kimski)
fries dressed with kimchi beer gravy, pan-fried wisconsin cheese curds; topped with pickled onions, scallions, and sesame leaves

^ I approve of this kimchi beer gravy.

Maria's Standard (Kimski)
house polish sausage, soju mustard, buns from spoken bird in pilsen, kraut chi made with co-op, scallions, sesame seeds; comes with a side of fries

^ Soju mustard, however, ain't it.

Scallion Potato Pancakes (Kimski)
house-made batter, scallions, grated potato with dill; served with kimchi slaw and drizzled with tamari sour cream sauce, scallions

^ At least you tried.

Cacio Pepe Pizza (Bonci)
onion, provolone cheese, pecorino cheese, pepper

Sausage and Broccoli Rabe Pizza (Pizzeria Bebu)
house-made italian sausage, mozzarella, broccoli rabe, ricotta

Pepperoni Pizza (Pizzeria Bebu)
parmesan, mozzarella, garlic, calabrian chile, basil

Taleggio Pizza (Pizzeria Bebu)
panna, pistachio, calabrian honey, chive

Aged Cheddar Rillettes (Roister)
truffle, cauliflower, fry bread

^ Adding cauliflower to a cheese spread for texture? Hey, it works!

Habanero Popcorn (Antique Taco)
olive oil, habanero cheddar powder

Adobo Corn Nuts (Saint Lou's Assembly)
crispy maiz
—Come with chicharrones, for some reason.

Tempura Elotes (Proxi)

^ Curious corn fritters – cob-less elote.

Cobia (Proxi)
coconut, turmeric, curry leaf
—A fish fillet in a delectable thick curry sauce.

Meat Cone (Tempesta Market)

^ Portable charcuterie.

Chef's Menu (The Publican)
—R.I.P. (The Publican)'s omakase? A stellar value for $65. None of the 10 or so courses I was served was particularly interesting, but most everything was delicious.

(Cellar Door Provisions)' $42 prix fixe dinner for 4.13-4.14:

Snacks (Cellar Door Provisions)
pepita dip, zhoug, brined beets and carrots green strawberry, briny butter, cabbage slaw

^ My first experience with zhoug. Spicy!

Trout Crudo (Cellar Door Provisions)
salted turnip, grapefruit, sunflower

Buttermilk Beet Soup (Cellar Door Provisions)
all herbed out

Agnolotti (Cellar Door Provisions)

+$22 Supplement: Half Chicken (Cellar Door Provisions)
sprouted hummus

Roasted Carrot Ice Cream (Cellar Door Provisions)
farro shortbread, citrus curd

Banana Budino (S.K.Y.)
vanilla, cocoa nib granola, bourbon

^ So scrumptious, I ate it four separate times while in Chicago. Its base is vanilla pudding and banana purée, unmixed.

Chocolate Pizza (Piece)
a 12" crust topped with our house chocolate hazelnut sauce and mascarpone cheese

Jon: The mousse tastes like hay? Like, dried grass hay?
Server: Yes.

Frozen Hay Mousse (Elske)
with rhubarb

^ The mousse indeed tasted like hay.

Sunflower Seed Parfait (Elske)
with sour honey, licorice, and bee pollen

^ A revelation. That round mound of bee pollen is an ingenious "crust."

Foie Gras Candy Bar (Roister)
black walnuts, pretzel, caramel

^ Too much unseared foie gras for me. I never learn.

Griddle Rum Cake Donut (Tribecca's Cubano)

Chocolate Coca-Cola Cake (Panes Bread Cafe)
goat's milk caramel, cream cheese frosting


The Bomb (Kaiser Tiger)
5 lbs. of spicy beef and pork sausage stuffed with pepper bacon and wrapped in a brown sugar bacon weave; cooked for hours on the smoker and served with fresh cut fries, buns, pepper jack cheese, onion, lettuce, tomato, and bbq sauce

Bone Marrow Cornbread (Cellar Door Provisions)
pork, pickled onion, herbs

Chicken Fried Rutabaga (Daisies)
country gravy, ramps two ways

Pork Ribs (The Delta)
paprika caramel, crème fraîche, crispy allium

PBT! (Monteverde)
prosciutto butter, radish, seeded rye toast, lemon marmellata

Foie Gras Bibimbap (S.K.Y.)
charred vegetables, mushroom bulgogi

Muffaletta (Tempesta Market)

Southside Johnny (Tempesta Market)
porchetta, brun-uusto, broccolini, chimichurri, cheese, pickled fennel, with rosemary broth, on sourdough

Nancy's Kahlua Cake with Rhubarb Preserves (Daisies)

Warm Beignets (Gideon Sweet)
parsnip cream, fleur de cao

Choco-Banana (Mott Street)
thai baby banana dipped in chocolate, roasted szechuan peppercorn peanuts

Bolo Brigadeiro (Tack Room)
chocolate sponge cake, brazilian fudge, candied coconut, cashew snap, tonka bean ice cream

Wattleseed Pavlova (Tack Room)
wattleseed ice cream, lemon myrtle meringue, honey-white chocolate mousse, tropical fruit, macadamia nuts

Tiramisu Cruller (Tack Room)
hamilton rum-soaked vanilla orange cruller, whipped mascarpone cheese, espresso chicory gelato, caramel, passion fruit, hints of cocoa

Barter Brownie (HotChocolate Bakery)

^ Half doughy brownie, half cocoa rice brittle.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

22. Garage Confrontation (The Americans, S06E10)

The whole scene is too long to excerpt in full.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Killing Eve Season Grade: B
  • "Oh, the Greeks will take me on. They will. But I'm not a government. I'm just money. Pure money. And I can do whatever I want." (Trust S01E10)
  • Trust Season Grade: C

(Joe Pera Talks With You S01E03)

  • "You're a true showman, Brad, like Tom Bergeron." (Joe Pera Talks With You S01E04)
  • ♫: Nicolas Jaar – "Space Is Only Noise If You Can See" (Legion, S02E09)
  • "Buenas tardes, bitches!" (Legion, S02E09)
  • RT: MCU: Mmmm all our characters are straight but we'll get gay characters eventually. :)
    Fox: Aubrey Plaza is a psychic lesbian demon and she eats ass. (Legion, S02E09)
  • ♫: E-40 – "Choices [Yup]" (The Last O.G., S01E09)
  • McDonald's (The Americans, S06E10)
  • Renee (The Americans, S06E10)
  • The Americans Season Grade: C
  • "♫ Mr. Efe…" (Arrested Development, S05E02)
  • "It's probably just because I'm younger – a puta." (Arrested Development, S05E03)
  • Transparent filming location (Arrested Development, S05E04)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Barry