Uber Eats some Applebee's

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Jan 2002):

Adam Robot (Hamster Style): Jesus some of these sites. Talk about oldddd.

Adam Robot: I still talk to Crawlspace John.
Jon (Adam Riff™): Oh? Where is he now?
Adam Robot: Married. Has a step daughter. Lives in San Francisco. He runs and climbs a lot, drinks a lot of craft beer. Generally seems like he's doing well.

Jon: Jord (WankerCounty), of course, directed Kong: Skull Island.
Jon: Ish (Armegro) is one of Ben's industry contacts. Small world.
Jon: Aaron (The Marked Fool) became a stoner tattoo artist.
Jon: Dan (Just Plain Dan) joined the band Kayo Dot and is battling cancer.
Jon: Clint (Doofyfuel) died of cancer.

Jon: Do you remember Ty (Funky Fresh)?
Jon: Has he reached out to you recently?
Tony (WankerCounty): I do and no, not since the WC years.
Tony: Why?
Jon: Via Adam Riff™, he contacted me out of the blue today from a homeless shelter in Brooklyn asking me to help him find a date.
Tony: Whuhhh.

Jon: Oh, he has an active Google+ page.

Tony: Oh man.

Three months ago, Kalki (The Hoowa) similarly contacted me out of the blue via Adam Riff™.

I knew him as an Indian med student at Ohio State.

Fast forward to the end of 2017.

From…bobmarleyliveforever at gmail.com:

hello old friend. i moved to hawaii. i remember you said your ultimate goal in life was to win an oscar. i have an idea for a movie that i've already filmed on facebook, twitter, and periscope.

basically, what happened is i moved to hawaii after i got laid off in chicago. remember, i'm a doctor. i figured if oprah did it, there must be a reason. then since i was off, i decided to smoke marijuana to help with my anxiety and depression.

i ended up going a little crazy and on one of those marijuana hero adventures that people sometimes get. but i filmed the whole thing. it's kind of like mr. brainwash and banksy but live on facebook.

anyways, i was thinking the clips could be edited to tell the story. but it's inspired by everything that's happened in pop culture since i first met you around the year 2000. it's been almost 18 years man… and aol instant messenger is gone so this is the only way i have of contacting you. think of me as princess leia sending a message to obi-wan… do you want to make a movie? you're my only hope. literally… b/c i pissed of so many other people on my quest to legalize marijuana for doctors.

and that's what the movie is really about.

I visit his website: …studiobanksy.com.

I hate me for loving you

Less Than Jake?

I suppose with punk/emo/hardcore festivals going extinct, you gotta take what you can get.

Korn, Not Creed, and Thrice walk into a bar…

Cameron Diaz is married to Benji Madden of Good Charlotte?

Cameron Diaz and Nicole Richie are sisters-in-law.

Why doesn't a reality show following the Madden Brothers and their wives exist? Total Maddens. Lionel is Laurinaitis.

Debuting in 2015, CAMP MARS is the first of its kind Summer Camp Festival.

Festival-goers can join activities such as archery, drum circle, meditation, stone mandala making, dream catcher weaving, nature writing, a speaker series, 2 different performances by Thirty Seconds to Mars under the stars in Malibu, CA, and so much more.

6:00 AM – 7:00 AM – HIKING OR YOGA
12:00 PM – 2:00 PM – LUNCH IS SERVED
5:00 PM – 7:00 PM – DINNER IS SERVED
11:00 PM – 1:00 AM – NIGHT HIKE
11:00 PM – 1:00 AM – STAR GAZING

Forget Total Maddens. Why doesn't a reality show about THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS' SUMMER CAMP exist?

Real enchiladas you feel good about eating

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I want to wear something to said weddings that's interesting but won't irk the bride or groom's parents.

Jon: $68.99 for the suit, $31.95 for the tie, plus shipping and tailoring.
Drew: Bruh, what are you doing? Buy a suit you can get more than two wears out of. A red suit is not versatile at all.
Jon: [grumbling] Why do you have to be so practical?

Jon: That tie on a red shirt in a black suit doesn't work.

Jon: I wish I had money to burn.


Russell: Plus a Superman undershirt.
Jon: Heh. If only I could grow a mustache to conceal.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

11. Undercover Office Potty (Saturday Night Live, S43E16)

Honourable Mention

  • Shane McMahon Grape Lady-ing (WWE SmackDown Live, 03-13-18)
  • Baskets Career College commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
  • Country lawyer Sam Hill commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
  • Halloween store commercial (Baskets, S03E08)
  • lilysmom_11 (Atlanta, S02E03)

Stray Observations

  • ♫: Joan Jett and the Blackhearts – "Crimson and Clover" (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E03)

(WWE Raw, 03-13-18)

  • "Eddie RZA" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E18)
  • "Yin and Yang. Your opposite energies balance each other out. The black is Yin, slow and yielding, like you, Louis, always thinking before you act. The white is Yang, focused and active, like you, Jessica, jumping into action before thinking it through. Your two energies complement each other, achieving perfect balance. It's the reason Tommy Boy didn't work. Too much white. No balance." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E18)
  • "The mermaid's name is Seayoncé." (LA to Vegas, S01E08)
  • "I'm gonna hold on to your food TV." (LA to Vegas, S01E08)
  • "Do I look like I want to try some bulgogi?" (Black-ish, S04E14)
  • The Sunken Place (Black-ish, S04E14)
  • "Don't you worry about your only grandmother. She hasn't shown you all the tricks up her sleeve."
    "It's punching. The trick up her sleeve is punching." (Black-ish, S04E14)
  • "Innovators don't need to match their athletic gear." (Black-ish, S04E15)
  • "As long as they don't eat off of strangers' plates and mix athletic brands, all right? I cannot have them looking like Eastern Europeans." (Black-ish, S04E15)
  • ♫: Dr. John – "Iko Iko" (The Mick, S02E17)

(The Mick, S02E17)

  • Christine's bangs (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "I Am Woman, It's My Store" (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "One of them went viral."
    "Yeah. Here it is. Two hits?!" (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "I know what I'm doing! I used to date a videographer!" (Baskets, S03E08)
  • Pop-up skeleton Santa (Baskets, S03E08)
  • "No one wants an 'I Am Not Your Negroni.'" (Grown-ish, S01E11)
  • "You need the right slogan, like ours: 'Black Dorms Should Matter.' We're trending on Twitter right now. #BDSM. You might've seen it."
    "That may not be us." (Grown-ish, S01E11)
  • "I wrote it for my high school ska band, the Ska-nold Trumpets. That was before ska and Donald Trump got super embarrassing and were only, like, kind of embarrassing." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "Why are you dancing like that? It's like you're trying to escape your lack of rhythm, but you just can't do it." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "Ain't nothin' better than a curly spice / On straight fries would be erreally nice." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "You're lucky the first rule of ska is 'always have an extra set of suspenders.'" (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "I'm putting my foot down."
    "You wear a size four. Putting your foot down, what does that accomplish?" (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "You want to hear some ska poetry? Reel Big Fish. 'I'm giving up because I know everything sucks.'" (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "I'm such an idiot for thinking I could revive ska music. Probably just got to wait until gas prices go down and then seven-person bands can tour again." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "It takes people years to get to where I am and all I had to do was show that manager that I was serious, laser-focused, and that she could never, ever, ever escape me."
    "Okay, so you're like the lower back tattoo of the service industry." (Alone Together, S01E09)
  • "Well, I'm a tough critic. I almost didn't like The Emoji Movie." (Speechless, S02E17)
  • "You can't go to America and start from nothing. That's the lie." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E08)
  • "Hallmark invented Valentine's Day, Walmart invented the Fourth of July, and Arbor Day, as we all know, was invented by Carl's Jr." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "2000 years ago, Jesus Christ was crucified, and now every Easter, people buy millions of dollars worth of chocolate bunnies." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "America is a corporation / And I hate my supportive parents / North Korea is better than America / And I can't pay my student loans." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "I'll never forget where I was when I found out. I was eating a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant in my car. I was so upset, I couldn't even finish it."
    "I lied. I totally finished it. But I felt bad. I think the mayo was expired." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "Oh, no, he tried to talk to me earlier, but I was—"
    "Premeditating a swan murder." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "What's your name again?"
    "You want to sit at the big table, don't you, Cake?" (Corporate, S01E10)
  • "I'd rather be miserable at my job and be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment than follow my dreams and live in a studio apartment." (Corporate, S01E10)
  • Corporate Season Grade: C
  • Channel Zero: Butcher's Block Season Grade: D
  • "Hennessy plus the herb, plus the herb, herb, herb / Yo, I just bought a dinosaur like Nicolas Cage." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "Dude, if it crashes again, I'm gonna crash my foot in your ass." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "56 Nights" (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "You want to go slap some butts?"
    "Nah, but I'll watch." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "You really want to wear all white to a strip club, nigga?" (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "Money is an idea, man. Look, there's a reason that a white dude dressed just like you can walk into a bank and get a loan, and you can't even spend a $100 bill, man. I mean, you need to start acting like you're better than other niggas, and then they'll start treating you better than other niggas."
    "Yeah, 'cause otherwise, you're just another nigga." (Atlanta, S02E03)
  • "It's Michael Vick." (Atlanta, S02E03)

A computer-generated smart speaker? (Portlandia, S08E09)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


I hope your life is horrible without baseball!

MLB FoodFest is a two-day, indoor festival in New York City that gives fans the opportunity to try dishes from all 30 ballparks, from the Dodgers' lauded Cheeto-Lote to the Mariners' toasted grasshoppers.

On top of the eats, we'll also be keeping your IG feed fed with a hot dog art gallery, massive popcorn pit, and more.

The Yankees' signature dish is an adobo bao?

Lol at the Rockies' dish being a cheeseburger and fries.

This is their Black Panther

I had vowed never to attend another wedding and…I'm attending two weddings this year.

I want to wear something to said weddings that's interesting but won't irk the bride or groom's parents.

Jon: Damn, mariachi suits are expensive.
Jon: You think a mariachi costume is passable?


Jon: 1. Wearing a beige polo to a wedding?
Jon: 2. Assembling a close approximation of that outfit seems arduous.
Jon: 3. Will anyone get the reference? Particularly since I'm not black?


Go Join Lonely Virgil

// Las Vegas, NV

Why does the top of that giant slot machine read "East Lansing" in Michigan State colours?

I'm inside The D on Fremont Street.

Huh. The top of the giant slot machine on its other side reads "Ann Arbor" in Michigan colours.

I google "the d east lansing slot machine."


The business rooms have names like Saginaw and Petosky.

Is The D supposed to be a Michigan-themed hotel and casino? Because…


The D stands for "downtown," and also refers to [majority owner] Derek Stevens' nickname, and Stevens' hometown of Detroit.

So not Michigan-themed, but with a hint of Michigan.

That explains its American Coney Island outpost.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

10. Sperm Bank Demon Fight (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E02)

Honourable Mention

  • Cash Preservation Society (Portlandia, S08E08)
  • Shrek (Saturday Night Live, S43E15)

Stray Observations

  • "The only part of a roast that I like is when you say the nice parts at the end. Maybe I'll just do that."
    "I didn't know I was having brunch with Michael Landon." (Crashing, S02E08)
  • Crashing Season Grade: C
  • ♫: Brockhampton – "Boogie"! (The Mick, S02E16)
  • "Good insights, gentlemen. And that is what it's like to be a woman in today's business world." (Baskets, S03E07)
  • Writing a Greg Berlanti film into a Greg Berlanti television programme (Riverdale, S02E14)
  • "I saw on her Snapchat that she goes to a lot of jam band concerts, so… She likes 11-minute songs! I figure…I'm not as bad as that…" (Alone Together, S01E08)
  • "You use our Netflix so much that all our suggestions are aimed at you. I don't want to watch Broadchurch, Kenneth."
    "Well, you got to give it a chance! It gets really good after the seventh episode!" (Speechless, S02E15)
  • "I always wondered what kind of freaks lived in the apartments above outdoor malls." (Corporate, S01E09)
  • "I can't sell a clever Filipino – even one with a big dick." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E07)
  • "Let's discuss your wants – and my terms." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E07)

(Channel Zero: Butcher's Block, S03E05)

  • "Why you gotta lock in a child?!" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "My name is Peter Savage, but everyone here calls me '35 Savage,' because I'm 35."
    "We're gonna call you '36 Savage' soon." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "Long live fresh…nigga." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • Bobby Shmurda (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "Where my real niggas at?" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "I'm the Prince of Tides, nigga." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "Man, don't get me wrong, it's a funny show, but the way they dive into depression, and especially after what he did to her daughter, I was like, 'Can I even feel bad for this horse anymore?'" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • "They got a no chase policy." (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • ♫: Flying Lotus – "Coronus, The Terminator" (Atlanta, S02E02)
  • The feminist bookstore ladies meet the Oh, Hello guys (Portlandia, S08E08)
  • Top Chef: Colorado Season Grade: C
  • "Well, sketch comedy is great, but at some point, you have to move on, you know?" (Saturday Night Live, S43E15)
  • "What's the main difference between rock and rap?"
    "Uhh, usually skin colour." (Saturday Night Live, S43E15)
  • "Overkill took an Uber." (The Tick, S01E08)
  • "I don't think my life's worth not killing anymore." (The Tick, S01E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


cold pressed nut Mylks

// Las Vegas, NV

A new arena just off the Strip will be a 360-foot-tall sphere with seating for more than 18,000 people for concerts, awards shows and other entertainment events. [source]

Vegas already has five arenas on or near the Strip and is adding a stadium.

Imagine Vegas hosting every March Madness game.

[browsing Las Vegas Magazine's listings for Revues]

Fantasy Fun for singles and couples alike, the seductive revue features 15 numbers full of steamy choreography, powerhouse vocals and high-energy music. Besides bringing out your wildest fantasies to life, Fantasy offers up comic relief, too, with celebrity impersonations by comedian Sean E. Cooper. Luxor, 10:30 p.m. daily, $39-$59 plus tax and fee, 18+. 702.262.4400

Steamy choreography with a side of celebrity impersonations.

"X" Rocks This all-rock topless revue features sexy showgirls dancing to tunes from Muse, Metallica, The Beatles and Alice Cooper. Bally's, 10 p.m. Thurs.-Sun., $47.94-$72.95 plus tax and fee, 21+. 702.777.2782

Sexy topless showgirls dancing to The Beatles. "Come Together"?

Which Muse songs do you think are used? "Supermassive Black Hole" for sure…

"X" Country Giddy up as the "X" Country women in this bare-skinned adult show dance to popular country songs from artists including Tim McGraw, Patsy Cline, Taylor Swift, Garth Brooks, Trace Adkins and Hank Williams Jr. Harrah's, 10 p.m. daily, $47.94- $72.95 VIP plus tax and fee, 18+. 702.777.2782

Why is the rock one 21+ but the country one 18+? Both are topless…

The Nevada Gaming Control Board is testing shitty mobile games in casinos:

Are millennials killing blackjack?

Maria Bandit

// Las Vegas, NV

Dick Vitale is calling the West Coast Conference tournament final? He'll fly west of Kansas for this but not any Pac-12 games?


Thursday & Sunday at 10:30 p.m.

Each week, catch sports blockbusters on the big screen for a unique movie night experience.

Dick Vitale had to experience Glory Road at the Wynn Sports Book before he dies.

There are three unrelated "Public House"s on the Strip and six "The Buffet"s.

Vegas buffet excess is fed to local pigs.

Idea: A half- or third-price Day-Old Buffet. All of the food is Vegas buffet leftovers from the previous day.

Zero Latency

// Las Vegas, NV

Four nights a week!

What is the most money that someone has ever won from a slot machine in an airport?

As per this article:

The largest jackpot ever won at Reno-Tahoe airport happened in 2010, when someone won $10.4 million in a Megabucks machine.

The largest jackpot ever won at McCarran airport was $3.9 million on a Wheel of Fortune slot machine in 2005.

Driver: That's where the shooting happened.
Me: Oh! It's…not adjacent to Mandalay Bay.

Vegas has the chattiest Uber/Lyft drivers.

Chitty Chitty Bang, Murder Everything

What is Cheesecake Factory about these?

Wikipedia » Kit Kat:

Kit Kat is produced globally by Nestlé with the exception of the United States where it is made under license by The Hershey Company.

This is like Disney owning everything Star Wars except A New Hope.

Nestlé has to honour a licensing agreement which allows Hershey to retain the Kit Kat licence so long as Hershey is not sold.

As Kit Kat is one of Hershey's top five brands in the US market, the Kit Kat licence was a key factor in Hershey's failed attempt to attract a serious buyer in 2002.

Kit Kat: A lucrative albatross.

Nestlé doesn't want Reese's and Twizzlers in its portfolio?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

9. The Winds of Winner's (Atlanta, S02E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

(Ash vs. Evil Dead, S03E01)

  • "Prince's best work in years. But you do know he's no longer alive over there, right? Now what do you think would happen if this fucking album were to find its way across?"
    "Ian, please."
    "We are tasked with safeguarding the most important fucking secret in the history of mankind." (Counterpart, S01E06)
  • "We're supposed to suck NACA's dick, that's why we came here! You came here to suck NACA's dick, suck NACA's dick!" (Crashing, S02E07)
  • Shark Tank Season Grade: C
  • "'KOKOMO IS IT REAL.' Do we really want a principal who's daydreaming about some fake paradise in the Florida Keys?"
    "Well, why are the other ones real? Aruba, Jamaica…" (A.P. Bio, S01E02)
  • "Koo Koo Roo got ya, huh?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E17)
  • "He was laughing at a [Suddenly] Susan joke when he passed." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E17)
  • "I want to visit you at Stanford, not Georgia Tech." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E17)
  • "Did you say Artem is a dentist?"
    "Yeah, pediatric dentist. Here's my card. Oh, the doll's head is there so you remember I'm good with kids." (LA to Vegas, S01E06)
  • "Captain Steve is on the flight, and he's very bitter, and not adorably bitter like a late-in-life Lena Horne, scary bitter like a late-in-life Bette Davis."
    "Love a reference from this century once in a while."
    "Hamilton." (LA to Vegas, S01E06)
  • "If you find yourself in Vegas on a Friday night, why not celebrate the Sabbath the way Captain Dave does? Praying the night away at Temple Beth Vegas, where you'll find the best all-you-can-eat Oneg, and the loosest slots this side of Haifa." (LA to Vegas, S01E06)
  • "This Discman only plays Seger." (LA to Vegas, S01E06)
  • "And here you stand, Bernard, forsaken and alone, like a young Hedy Lamarr's Joan of Arc, with no around to tell you they don't get that reference." (LA to Vegas, S01E06)
  • "I've been dreaming about kicking your ass for a long time, Dave."
    "Well, that's not gonna happen, so keep dreaming, Pam Ewing!"
    "From Dallas. All of season nine was Pam Ewing's dream. You never watched Dallas?"
    "I believe it's pronounced 'die-yes.'" (LA to Vegas, S01E06)
  • "You're acting like children."
    "Show me one child with a mustache like this. Foreigners don't count." (LA to Vegas, S01E06)
  • "Oh! Tiny burgers!" (Baskets, S03E06)
  • "Don't thank me, thank Arby."
    "I do every day." (Baskets, S03E06)
  • "I've died and gone to Arizona State." (Grown-ish, S01E09)
  • "What the hell do you bribe dead people with? Is there money here?"
    "And what about the White Walkers?"
    "Oh, the White Walkers. Yeah, I mean, those guys are bad news. You know, but then the British-sounding dude came and, you know, kicked their asses." (The Magicians, S03E08)
  • "What a volatile mix you are. Too lazy to work and too proud to be kept." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E06)
  • "Being smart is useless unless it's in the service of something." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E06)
  • "This world has wasted me." (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E06)
  • "This show is creating a false sense of camaraderie, like when a celebrity dies." (Corporate, S01E08)
  • "I'm just trying to cope through a year in Toledo with its miserable excuse for espresso."
    "Put your hand down. Next words I hear out of you better be in a British accent.
    "The bookstore at the mall has good espresso, m'lord." (A.P. Bio, S01E03)
  • "Oh, the ram's name is Pam? All rams are male."
    "Pam's a trans ram." (A.P. Bio, S01E03)
  • "Never talk about grades. No one cares. They have no impact on life." (A.P. Bio, S01E03)
  • "You wanna try one of these sliders, bro?"
    "Yeah, yeah."
    "Have a seat. Be careful. It's very, very cold." (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • ♫: Death Grips – "Hot Head" (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • "Florida Man is responsible for a large percentage of abnormal incidents that occur in Florida. Think of him as an alt-right Johnny Appleseed. No one knows his true identity, date of birth, what he looks like. That's why headlines always say, 'Florida Man.' […] Him, the state government, fuckin' cahoots."
    "Why would anyone even do that?"
    "To prevent black people from coming to and/or registering to vote in Florida, Earn." (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • "What flavour is a Flamin' Hot Cheeto?"
    "I am tasting hot." (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • "Hold on, let me put you on speaker."
    "Nigga, take me off speaker." (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • "What is you doing here?"
    "Yeah, Al sent me."
    "He too good to come see me now on his own? He DMX now?" (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • "Hey, I would say 'nice to meet you,' but I don't believe in time as a concept, so I'll just say 'we always met.'" (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • "Ma'am, do you live here?"
    "No, she don't live here. I'm fuckin' the bitch." (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • "You don't have an alligator."
    "Yes, he do!"
    "He do got an alligator!"
    "That's the alligator man!"
    "Them children ain't lying to you. I'm the alligator man. Okay? So now, just leave me alone, won't be no gator." (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • "All I know is I ain't gotta do shit 'cause I ain't done shit." (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • "This nigga got a full-grown caiman in here surrounded by chicken carcasses. Shit like an Azealia Banks Snapchat." (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • "Nigga, I'm not crazy. I'm not Florida Man." (Atlanta, S02E01)
  • ♫: Curtis Mayfield – "When Seasons Change" (Atlanta, S02E01)

(Babylon Berlin, S01E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


Eater's Digest: New Orleans

January 2018
dtb / bayona / palace café / la petite grocery / toups south / parkway / willie mae's / mr. chill's first class hot dogs and sweet's pastries / boucherie / maypop / parasol's bar and restaurant / cafe du monde / turkey and the wolf / dong phuong / killer poboys / compère lapin / magazine pizza / marjie's grill / clesi's / fritai / fete au fete / cochon / cochon butcher / mr. bubbles / carmo / emeril's restaurant / domilise's po-boy and bar / raising cane's

Crawfish Boil (Clesi's)
Chicken and Sausage Jambalaya (Clesi's)

My favourite meal in New Orleans was a catered lunch, unexpectedly.

Next visit, I want to try

Jambalaya Cheese Fries (Clesi's)
cajun fries layered with cheddar, jambalaya, and pepper jack

at (Clesi's) brick-and-mortar.

Crabmeat Cheesecake (Palace Café)
pecan crust, mushroom sauté, creole meunière

^ A savoury seafood-topped cheesecake.

related: the Shrimp and Alligator Sausage Cheesecake at (Jacques Imo's), which I was unable to try this visit, nor its

Deep Fried Roast Beef Po-Boy (Jacques Imo's)
with gravy.

Home-Cooked Hot Roast Beef with Gravy Poor Boy (Parkway)
slow roasted beef soaked in savoury brown gravy
—The best po' boy I tried this trip, and the one with the best bread.

Shrimp Po-Boy (Domilise's Po-Boy and Bar)

Firecracker Shrimp Po Boy (Parasol's Bar and Restaurant)

I was slow to discover (Parasol's) chill restaurant half.

A sign in its dive bar half reads "food" but points to a door that appears to be for employees only.

Bon Appétit named (Turkey and the Wolf) America's best new restaurant of 2017. I failed to see what all the fuss is about.

Fried Bologna Sandwich (Turkey and the Wolf)
leighann's bologna, hot english mustard, potato chips, shrettuce, mayo, american cheese, on white

Collard Green Melt (Turkey and the Wolf)
slow-cooked collards, swiss cheese, pickled cherry, pepper dressing, cole slaw, on rye bread

Fried Alligator with Chili Garlic Mayonnaise (Cochon)
Fried Livers with Pepper Jelly and Toast (Cochon)

Cochon Muffaletta (Cochon Butcher)
with house meats and olive salad on sicilian roll

I didn't feel either (Cochon) restaurant either and consequently didn't bother trying sister restaurant (Pêche).

Los Angeles Gumbo?

Oh. Right. "LA" is "Louisiana."

LA-1 Gumbo (DTB)
louisiana blue crab, collard greens, crab fat potato salad
Me: This gumbo has potato salad in it?
Server: Just a dollop on top.

Fried Cornbread (DTB)
ham hock marmalade, goat cheese, jalapeño

^ Sublime. Everything in its right place.

Cornmeal Gnocchi (DTB)
hot sausage, broccoli rabe, pecorino romano, lime
—Not sure if this dish was over-salted or if the hot sausage scrambled my palate.

Andouille Pate (DTB)
chef's daily accompaniments

^ Spreadable sausage.

Mushroom Boudin Balls (DTB)
smoked mayo, pickled collards
—Faux sausage.

Fall Spiced Cake (DTB)
pumpkin cake, peanut bark, rum caramel, bouille, buttered popcorn ice cream

Ice Cream Sandwich (DTB)
gâteau de sirop, creole cream cheese ice cream, candied pecans

Pecan King Cake (Dong Phuong)

^ I got in on (Dong Phuong)'s king cakes before people began scalping and fist-fighting over them.

7UP Pound Cake (Mr. Chill's First Class Hotdogs and Sweet Pastries)

Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding (Boucherie)
Thai Chili Chocolate Chess Pie (Boucherie)

Beignets (Cafe Du Monde)

^ Easy on the powdered sugar, Monde.

Blue Crab Beignets (La Petite Grocery)
malt vinegar aioli

^ Pleasantly surprisingly tender.

Turtle Bolognese (La Petite Grocery)
bucatini, sherry, parsley, and fried soft boiled egg
—Turtle meat pasta.

Cracklins (Toups South)

Sourdough Biscuits with Crab Fat Butter (Toups South)

^ The crab fat butter was unpalatably crabby.

Smoked Foie Gras Terrine (Toups South)
banana bread, saba, cured egg yolk

^ I know better than to order unseared foie gras, but "banana bread" intrigued me. Three bites in, I boxed it up for a homeless person.

Smoked Duck "PB&J" (Bayona)
cashew butter, pepper jelly, apple-celery salad, wild flour multigrain
—Came for the sandwich, stayed for its accompanying apple-celery salad.

Fritai (Fritai)
between two fried plantains with pork shoulder, avocado, mango sauce, and pickliz; served with plantain chips

^ A Haitian sandwich. Tostones are lousy bread.

Crawfish Poutine (Fete Au Fete)
crawfish-boiled new potatoes fried, then smothered with pepper jack cheese and buttery crawfish étouffée

^ Never mind that it's not poutine, why smother potato chunks instead of fries?

Cajun Cubano (Fete Au Fete)
spiced roasted pork loin, tasso, smoked gouda, with a jalapeño-garlic aioli, pressed
—The smoked gouda overwhelmed everything else.

Ya-ka-mein, a meaty noodle soup known as Old Sober, is New Orleans' tried and true hangover cure. It's a crossbreed of Asian and African-American culinary traditions. Traditionally made from a combination of beef, cooked eggs, green onions and noodles stewed in a spicy, salty broth, the addition of soy sauce gives this soulful brew an Asian twist.

A distinctly New Orleans dish, ya-ka-mein hails from murky origins. The most popular explanation is that black soldiers who fought in the Korean War got a taste of Asian food and brought it home to New Orleans, where sweethearts, mothers and grandmothers made the recipe their own.

Another theory is that Chinese immigrants who came to Louisiana to work on the sugar plantations and railroads brought their Asian noodle soup with them and gave their African-American co-workers a taste. [source]

Yaka Main (Mr. Chill's First Class Hotdogs and Sweet Pastries)

^ It's…an Asian beef noodle soup. Is its appeal that it's made by black people? Did I just try an unremarkable version?

(Maypop) offers unique dim sum. Shame that it was all mediocre.

Pork and Cane Syrup Sausage-Stuffed Sesame Balls (Maypop)
chili oil

Bacon Scallion Pancakes with Oysters in Cucumber Kimchi (Maypop)

Octopus Shumai (Maypop)
spicy mustard

Head Cheese and Blue Crab Soup Dumplings (Maypop)

Okay, this complimentary amuse-bouche was good:

Spicy Thai Curry Beignet with Wasabi Cream (Maypop)

Roasted Apple and Citrus Ravioli with Crispy Smoked Boudin (Maypop)
shaved apple, parmesan, brown butter, colatura fish sauce

Maypop Java Freeze (Maypop)
frozen mt. gay silver and eclipse rums, passion fruit, coffee, whipped cream
—Coffee with passion fruit.

Almond Cola (Fest)
Pecan Root Beer (Fest)
Southern Peach Ginger Ale (Fest)
—(Fest) makes sodas with "flavours tailored for the New Orleans area." If nothing else, you can taste the tailoring.

First Frost Cocktail (Ace Hotel Lobby Bar)
mint chocolate chip whisky, cream, creme de cacao

The "set-up"—a half-pint of liquor, one mixer, share cups and ice—is more than a staple order at many locals-only NOLA bars: It's a community ritual. [source]

Beefeater Gin Set-Up (Marjie's Grill)
pellegrino orange or lemon, dr. browns cel-ray, topo chico, canada dry tonic
—"A 200mL bottle of liquor and a bucket of ice. Make your own cocktails tableside. Please choose from our favourite suggested mixers. One set-up makes 3.5 2oz drinks."

Slow-Grilled Beef Tri-Tip (Marjie's Grill)
pasture-raised ms beef with toasted chili relish
—I think tri-tip is my favourite cut of beef.

Marinated Winter Melon (Marjie's Grill)
tossed with radishes, mint, sesame, and jalapeño
—I did not expect to like this.

Winter Som Tam Salad (Marjie's Grill)
—Or this.

LA Popcorn Rice (Marjie's Grill)
—Not Los Angeles rice.

Crispy Pig Knuckles (Marjie's Grill)
coated with black pepper, herbs, and chilis

^ I think hock is my favourite cut of pork

(Marjie's Grill)'s men's washroom

Fried Chicken (Willie Mae's)
—Bang-up breading.

Chicken Fingers (Raising Cane's)
—So this chain just sells chicken fingers? And Cane is a dog?

Of all the food I tried this trip, (Compère Lapin) best combined interesting and delicious.

Conch Croquettes (Compère Lapin)
pickled pineapple tartar sauce

Spiced Pig Ears (Compère Lapin)
smoked aioli
—I think ear is my favourite swine body part to eat.

Crispy Dirty Rice Arancini (Compère Lapin)
sour orange mojo

Cold-Smoked Tuna Tartare (Compère Lapin)
avocado, crispy bananas

^ Glorious. I returned for seconds on the last night of my trip. I would never guess that its accompanying crisps are made from bananas.

Hamachi (Compère Lapin)
guava curry, papaya

Curried Goat (Compère Lapin)
sweet potato gnocchi, cashews

^ So fresh and so clean.


Duck Hearts
smothered duck hearts, seared goat cheese grits, pickled oyster mushrooms
—"Duck hearts showered in a dust of dehydrated pig's blood."

Smoked Frog (Sac-A-Lait)
citrus creamed rillettes, aged cayenne gelèe, mustard green tortilla, spiced pecan

Tartare (Sac-A-Lait)
bluefin tuna, venison sweetbreads, fermented pepper, lemon-olive oil
—"Tuna tartare served atop fried venison sweetbreads."

Jambalaya-Stuffed Whole Chicken (Cochon Butcher)

A sno-ball is a New Orleans confection made with finely shaved ice and flavored cane sugar syrup. Commonly confused with the snow cone, the ice of a sno-ball is fine and fluffy; while a snow cone's ice is coarse, crunchy, and granular. [source]

Cheesecake-Stuffed Sno-Ball (Sno-La)

Maypop Milk Punch (Maypop)
soco 80, drambuie, coconut milk, korean chili flakes

Coffee and Cigarettes (Toups' Meatery)
nikka coffey grain japanese whiskey, tobacco bitters

Pork Chops and Applesauce (Toups South)
pork-washed whiskey, apple, aromatic bitters

The Copper Bunny Cocktail (Compère Lapin)
absolut elyx, pineapple jalapeño tequila, ginger, lime, mumm champagne

^ Served in a copper bunny.

Smoked Hamachi/Everything Doughnut (Compère Lapin)

(N7) serves fancy canned seafood straight from the can with baguette.