Eleven-inch dong.

Previously on Adam Riff™ (April 2012):

Jon: The Beastie Boys' first three albums are the Star Wars: Episodes IV-VI of white rap — and their last three albums are Episodes I-III.
Kurt: What are Ill Communication and Hello Nasty then?
Jon: Indiana Jones films?

Did you know that Weezer has released 11 albums?

Weezer albums are like seasons of The Real World. I am intimately familiar with the first few and then…

Huh. No Atlanta season.

Birthright Israel is a not-for-profit organization that sponsors free ten-day heritage trips to Israel for young adults of Jewish heritage, aged 18–32. Tours travel throughout the country to religious and cultural sites, including in Jerusalem, the Western Wall, and the Dead Sea.

The Mole is a reality television game show. Players must work together to complete various physical and mental challenges to build up a significant cash prize for the winner. One of them, however, is "the Mole," a double agent hired by the producers to sabotage the efforts of the group.

Idea: Birthright Israel Mole. Who on this trip to Israel is actually a gentile?

Sketch Idea: A Food Network show about a homophobic bakery.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

4. Easy Lover (The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, S02E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Wale (Crashing, S02E02)
  • "I know you're high. I'm Dr. Oz." (Crashing, S02E02)
  • "Hey, as a frequent flyer, I'm used to this plane being a capitalist hell state, but I'm swiping my credit card and my seat won't recline."
    "Oh, it looks like the guy behind you paid double to keep yours in the upright position." (LA to Vegas, S01E04)
  • "I'm losing track of this conversation. Let's everybody go around and say what we're angry about. So far, I've got cheating, gender labels, and roast beef." (LA to Vegas, S01E04)
  • "Okay, that's enough screen time for you." (LA to Vegas, S01E04)
  • "They've taken all the dignity out of flying. Judy Garland once said she had the best bowel movement of her life after eating a salmon mousse on a TWA flight to Paris." (LA to Vegas, S01E04)
  • In-flight flu shot (LA to Vegas, S01E04)
  • "No mansion has a mansion next door that looks exactly like it." (Alone Together, S01E03)
  • "There was lotion on my hands, and now this tastes like lotion."
    "Welcome to being a girl. I haven't tasted real fruit since I was 11." (Alone Together, S01E03)
  • "Our boat wants to fuck your boat, and we can't leave until he does." (The Magicians, S03E03)
  • "So, what? I just tell our boat to spread it for their boat and we're done?" (The Magicians, S03E04)
  • "So these pirates are asking us to let our boat get raped?" (The Magicians, S03E04)
  • "Before this, I used to think that pirates were kinda cute in a Johnny Depp sort of way, but the fact is, the real thing is kinda dirty and fucked up…in a Johnny Depp sort of way." (The Magicians, S03E04)
  • Aimee Mann (Corporate, S01E03)
  • "In the words of one of my actual friends, ya basic. It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now." (The Good Place, S02E11)
  • "'Fair' is the stupidest word humans ever invented, except for 'staycation.'" (The Good Place, S02E11)
  • "Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must've made up." (The Good Place, S02E11)
  • "You know, I've done things that you would never have approved of. I died, dressed as someone in the service industry, I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto. That's right. Chewing it was deafening." (The Good Place, S02E11)
  • "And since it seems you love humans so much, I'll torture you like one. All you'll have for entertainment is that giant stack of New Yorker magazines." (The Good Place, S02E11)
  • Jim Rash and Nat Faxon (Great News, S02E13)

"Okay, but are you gonna sue them? Or them? Or— Okay, well, I guess not them." (Great News, S02E13)

  • Great News Season Grade: C
  • "Yahtzee ISIS queef." (Saturday Night Live, S43E12)

(Saturday Night Live, S43E12)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


I like hot sauce on my chicken

Whoa. A General Mills/Kellogg's collaboration? It's like the Who Framed Roger Rabbit of cereal.

Oh. No. It's just General Mills trying to trick consumers typographically.

Frosted Mini-Wheats too? General Mills is really coming for Kellogg's corner.


Fruity Cheerios already exist.

Rice Krispies Trix?

Rory: Cocoa Pops.
Rory: Puffs, Puffs, Pops.

The joys that framed my life

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Our favourite songs. One per year.

Time to update it.

Side A (curated by Jon)
1. Radiohead – "The National Anthem" [2000]
2. Finch – "What It Is to Burn (Demo)" [2001]
3. Spoon – "Stay Don't Go" [2002]
4. The Mars Volta – "Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt"
5. Ratatat – "Seventeen Years"
6. The Mountain Goats – "This Year"
7. DragonForce – "Through the Fire and Flames"
8. Frank Turner – "The Real Damage"
9. The Wonder Years – "You're Not Salinger. Get Over It."
10. So Many Dynamos – "New Bones"
11. Jamie Lidell – "Your Sweet Boom"
12. M83 – "Midnight City"
13. Jai Paul – "Jasmine (Demo)"
14. CHVRCHES – "The Mother We Share"
15. CFO$ – "Worlds Apart"
16. Oneohtrix Point Never – "No Good" [2015]
17. Kanye West – "Ultralight Beam" [2016]
18. GoldLink – "Crew (feat. Brent Faiyaz and Shy Glizzy)" [2017]

Jon: "Crew" is so good that its radio edit is longer than the original. This song is what I imagine mixing uppers and downers sounds like.

I kinda want to change track 7 [2006] to My Chemical Romance – "Welcome to the Black Parade." The second half of "Through the Fire and Flames," though…

And perhaps track 8 [2007] should be Against Me! – "Thrash Unreal." [grumbling]

Side B (curated by Ben)
1. Outkast – "B.O.B." [2000]
2. Gob – "I Hear You Calling" [2001]
3. Justin Timberlake – "Cry Me a River" [2002]
4. The White Stripes – "Seven Nation Army"
5. Franz Ferdinand – "Take Me Out"
6. R. Kelly – "Trapped in the Closet"
7. TV on the Radio – "Wolf Like Me"
8. UGK – "Int'l Players Anthem (I Choose You) [feat. Outkast]"
9. MGMT – "Time to Pretend"
10. Passion Pit – "The Reeling"
11. LCD Soundsystem – "Dance Yrself Clean"
12. M83 – "Midnight City"
13. Bruno Mars – "Locked Out of Heaven"
14. Daft Punk – "Get Lucky (feat. Pharrell Williams)"
15. Duke Dumont – "I Got You (feat. Jax Jones)"
16. Major Lazer × DJ Snake – "Lean On (feat. MØ)" [2015]
17. G.L.O.S.S. – "Give Violence a Chance" [2016]
18. Kendrick Lamar – "DNA." [2017]

Ben: I distinctly remember Kenny's album dropping at midnight and knowing I had to wait two hours to hear it (I was DJing). When I heard the opening of "DNA." blasting out of my car speakers, I nearly crashed out of excitement. No part of any song last year gave me the chills that you get from the tempo change about 1:50 into the song.

New for 2018:

Bonus Disc (curated by Adam Robot)
1. Snapcase – "Typecast Modulator" [2000]
2. Rival Schools – "Travel by Telephone" [2001]
3. City of Caterpillar – "And You're Wondering How a Top Floor Could Replace Heaven" [2002]
4. Every Time I Die – "Ebolarama"
5. Codeseven – "All the Best Dreams"
6. Comeback Kid – "Wake the Dead"
7. Jesu – "Silver"
8. Rob Crow – "Up"
9. Russian Circles – "Campaign"
10. Coalesce – "Wild Ox Moan"
11. Deftones – "Rocket Skates"
12. Touché Amoré – "Home Away from Here"
13. Torche – "Kicking"
14. Coliseum – "Fuzzbang"
15. Violent Soho – "Covered in Chrome"
16. Baroness – "Chlorine and Wine"" [2015]
17. Joyce Manor – "Last You Heard of Me" [2016]
18. Charly Bliss – "Westermarck" [2017]

Adam Robot: "Westermarck" is a twee power-pop song with lead singer Eva Hendricks sounding like she's about to shrink through the entire track. There's nothing complicated going on, it's an earworm with borderline nonsense lyrics that's hooky as hell, and it helped me forget 2017 was a living nightmare.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

3. Cooking Food with Your Mouth (Desus and Mero, 01-16-18)

Stray Observations

  • "I am gonna cook for you every day, and dinner too, and then blow jobs for dessert." (Shameless, S08E10)
  • "What's the status report? Still digging?"
    "Like a nizzle pizzy in a dizzle stizzy."
    "A nose-picker in a dust storm." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E10)
  • "I'm being lectured by a pile of cookie dough over here." (Crashing, S02E01)
  • "Now your dog doesn't have to be just a dog. He can be a turducken of cute." (Shark Tank, S09E17)
  • Curb stomp back (WWE Raw, 01-15-18)
  • "Marvin, call the store! The diamonds got corroded!"
    "It's not corroded. It's chocolate!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E13)
  • "Wait, is this a male Terry or a female Terry?"
    "Male Terry."
    "Those are the worst kind of Terrys." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E13)
  • "Aah! My Keroppi!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E13)
  • "Goodbye, Yale. Hello, Georgia Tech." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E13)
  • "Bow, I spent my whole life understanding 'white stuff.' Do you think I want to know the names of the members of Phish?" (Black-ish, S04E12)
  • Dermot Mulroney (LA to Vegas, S01E03)
  • "When you're a guy stuck moving armoires alone, you get to be selfish." (LA to Vegas, S01E03)
  • "My giraffe is slippery!" (LA to Vegas, S01E03)
  • "You know what this is?"
    "It's a boiler room."
    "What's that?
    "Like the movie."
    "I haven't seen it."
    "Really? These shady finance bros who trick people into making bad investments and then they steal all their money and spend it on Quaaludes."
    "Ah, like frickin' Wolf of Wall Street."
    "Didn't even see it. Nah. Didn't look interesting to me." (The Mick, S02E12)

(9-1-1, S01E03)

  • "Sorry, officer. Our…friend's cat was sick and…exploded. You know, like they do." (The Magicians, S03E02)
  • "We'll see who has a small penis once I have my hurricane machine." (Corporate, S01E01)
  • "I think if I was in the mafia, I would just be the guy who stayed home and made spaghetti." (Corporate, S01E01)

(Corporate, S01E01)

  • "I majored in English and that should be illegal." (Corporate, S01E02)
  • "I'll have the…sheep labia?"
    "Excellent choice."
    "You're gonna love that."
    "It tastes just like chicken, except it's the genitals of another animal." (Corporate, S01E02)
  • "I'm luggage!" (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "Jeez Louise! Looks like Chidi has a real case of the Mondays, am I right? Hey, pass the NASCAR ketchup." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "Pirates of the Caribbean 6: The Haunted Crow's Nest or Something, Who Gives a Crap. Now playing everywhere FOREVER." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "First person to call Ultimate Frisbee 'ultimate.'" (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "Axe up."
    "Oh! New scent! Transformers."
    "Yes. It makes you smell the way Transformers movies make you feel." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "I'm gonna get me a tall glass of piping hot corn syrup." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "Hors d'oeuvre?"
    "Oh, what do you got?"
    "Soul food from Maine, bagels from Arkansas, Hawaiian pizza, of course, and egg salad from a hospital vending machine in Azerbaijan." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "Damn, you're good at this."
    "Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough and you become pretty good at lying. Like, 'Nooo, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all!'" (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "We need to find Michael, and we need to be discreet. You, cover children's dance recitals through holiday weekend IKEA." (The Good Place, S02E10)
  • "We're all getting laid off? Oh, God. I just spent $7,000 on a high-tech tomato garden. Wait, what's a high-tech tomato garden? Damn. Swindled again." (Great News, S02E12)
  • "It's not that complicated. You know what is complicated? Prison reform. All math. My feelings on Channing Tatum – is he hot or is he Sloth from Goonies?" (Great News, S02E12)
  • Henry Rollins, Krist Novaselic, and Brendan Canty (Portlandia, S08E01)
  • Mikey Day's Pitbull impersonation (Saturday Night Live, S43E11)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


The Defiant One

Previously on Adam Riff™: Adam Riff™'s 2017 retrospective festivities conclude with a triptych of lump audio sums.

Finally: BC-17, curated by DJ BENNY C, hence the title.

As it is a single track, here is a road map:

Lil Uzi Vert – "XO TOUR Llif3"
Charli XCX – "Boys (Nevada Remix)"
Marshmello – "Silence (feat. Khalid)"
Kendrick Lamar – "DNA."
Portugal. The Man – "Feel It Still (Gryffin Remix)"
BLOXX – "You"
Farruko, Nicki Minaj, and Bad Bunny – "Krippy Kush (Remix) [feat. 21 Savage and Rvssian]"
A$AP Ferg – "Plain Jane"
French Montana – "Unforgettable (feat. Swae Lee)"
Offset and Metro Boomin – "Ric Flair Drip"
Vince Staples – "Big Fish"
Ed Sheeran – "Shape of You (MAKJ Remix)"
Joey Bada$$ – "FOR MY PEOPLE"
WALK THE MOON – "One Foot"
Captain Cuts – "Love Like We Used To (feat. Nateur)"
VHS Collection – "Waiting on the Summer (Dave Edwards Remix)"
Calvin Harris – "Slide (feat. Frank Ocean and Migos)"
Spoon – "Hot Thoughts"
Kesha – "Woman (feat. The Dap-Kings Horns)"
The Knocks and Captain Cuts – "House Party"
MK – "17"
Kiiara – "Whippin (feat. Felix Snow) [Denis First and Reznikov Remix]"
CamelPhat and Elderbrook – "Cola"
AREA21 – "We Did It"
Big Boi – "Kill Jill (feat. Killer Mike and Jeezy)"
Cardi B – "Bodak Yellow"
Capital Cities – "Swimming Pool Summer"
Parcels – "Overnight (Denis First Remix)"
Midnight Mystery Club – "True Love"
Neck Deep – "In Bloom"

  1. BC-17 DJ BENNY C 53:35


Din Peaks

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Adam Riff™'s 2017 retrospective festivities conclude with a triptych of lump audio sums.

First up: The Sunken Tape, curated by me.

artwork by Eddie Holly

I plan to perform it in its 40-track, 02:02:04 entirety as our SXSW showcase this year.

  1. Eminem Nirvanna the Band the Show 0:23
  2. No Halo Sorority Noise 2:50
  3. Crew (feat. Brent Faiyaz and Shy Glizzy) GoldLink 2:56
  4. How Long Charlie Puth 3:18
  5. Whitney Houston Big Mouth 0:25
  7. Visions of Gideon Sufjan Stevens 4:08
  8. Hard Times Paramore 3:03
  9. The Verve Pipe The Carmichael Show 0:32
  10. Anita Smino 3:57
  11. All About Me Syd 3:31
  12. David Bowie The Trip to Spain 2:02
  13. A Private Understanding Protomartyr 5:18
  14. You Came to Party Too $hort and Meter Mobb 3:54
  15. All-4-One American Horror Story: Cult 0:46
  16. Don't Take the Money Bleachers 3:36
  17. Windows Up IDK 2:13
  18. Blu (feat. Damon Albarn) Mura Masa 4:32
  19. Orphaned Skies The Banzai Predicament 3:26
  21. Cradle of Filth Halt and Catch Fire 0:40
  22. Root of All Evil (feat. Incendiary) CFO$ 5:56
  23. The Chemical Brothers Baskets 0:23
  24. Young Dumb and Broke Khalid 3:23
  25. Caroline Aminé 3:30
  26. Jenkintown-Wyncote Harmony Woods 2:05
  27. Kenny G Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special 1:06
  28. Corner Store Aesop Rock 3:54
  29. Nothing to Find The War on Drugs 6:10
  30. The Way Life Goes (feat. Oh Wonder) Lil Uzi Vert 3:42
  31. Bad Liar Selena Gomez 3:35
  32. Nine Inch Nails Twin Peaks 0:17
  33. Less Than Nine Inch Nails 3:30
  34. T-Shirt Migos 4:02
  36. Cornershop Nirvanna the Band the Show 1:10
  37. Man's Not Hot Big Shaq 3:06
  38. Awful Things (feat. Lil Tracy) Lil Peep 3:34
  39. The Underside of Power Algiers 4:12
  40. We Find Love Daniel Caesar 4:15

No external stream because I still include skits.

Tell My Mother I Love Her

// New Orleans, LA

The woman beside me is eating the innards of a po-boy with a fork, its bread untouched.

Why even come to a po-boy shop? New Orleans doesn't lack for places that fry oysters.

I realized why the French Quarter bothers me – all the closed exterior shutters. I like seeing windows.

Oh, you can't bury anyone underground in New Orleans?

How can you bury more than one family member in each vault? How can a tomb hold all of those coffins?

According to a local ordinance, as long as the previously deceased family member has been dead for at least two years, the remains of that person can be moved to a specially made burial bag and placed at the side or back of the vault. The coffin is then destroyed, and the vault is now ready for a newly deceased family member.

Aging out of a coffin.

What happens if a family member dies within that two-year period? Generally, local cemeteries are equipped with temporary holding vaults, and the newly deceased family member is moved into his or her final resting place when two years have elapsed. [source]

What happens if multiple family members die within that two-year period?

Stephanie dies one day after DJ dies. Michelle dies one year and 364 days after Stephanie dies. Does Stephanie go straight to bag?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

2. Pop Cipher (The Magicians, S03E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Leroy, listen, I have to tell you something. No one's ever called me 'James Woods.'"
    "I'm confused. I was under the impression they called you 'James Woods' based on your love of the woods." (Ghosted, S01E09)
  • "What's his name?"
    "As in…Schreiber?" (Ghosted, S01E09)
  • Fred Armisen singing along to "I Try" by Macy Gray while a human head microwaves in the background (The Last Man on Earth, S04E09)
  • Martin Short (The Last Man on Earth, S04E09)
  • "It's like Matisse mixed with Shakespeare with just a liiittle Rhea Perlman on top." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E09)
  • "I would much rather be tired than poor." (Shark Tank, S09E15)
  • Braun Strowman trying to murder Brock Lesnar and Kane with a grappling hook (WWE Raw, 01-08-18)
  • "[You're the] old lace to my arsenic." (Marvel's Runaways, S01E10)
  • ♫ Francis and the Lights – "Friends [feat. Bon Iver]" (Marvel's Runaways, S01E10)
  • Marvel's Runaways Season Grade: C
  • "British men are basically American women." (LA to Vegas, S01E02)
  • "Personal hero? Latinos. They've been through so mucho." (LA to Vegas, S01E02)
  • "I just don't understand, Ronnie. We spoke every day. There was flirting and chemistry and suggestive emojis."
    "That wasn't suggestive. I really was washing an eggplant." (LA to Vegas, S01E02)
  • "'YOLO.' So true." (LA to Vegas, S01E02)
  • "We both agreed Billings was a mistake." (LA to Vegas, S01E02)
  • "A 'u up?' text might as well be a Chris Brown song." (Grown-ish, S01E03)
  • "Watching you talk to hot girls is like watching a white person try to explain why all lives matter." (Alone Together, S01E01)
  • "You're a talking penis!"
    "You're a talking penis!"
    "You're a talking penis!"
    "You're a talking penis!"
    "You're a talking penis!"
    "Everybody here thinks you're a talking penis." (Alone Together, S01E01)
  • "Why don't you just try to find something, like, more in your wheelhouse? Have you thought about, like, being a notary or something?" (Alone Together, S01E01)
  • "What's up with that shirt? You sitting shiva?"
    "I taught him Jewish stuff." (Alone Together, S01E01)
  • "I haven't done under-the-pants stuff with a girl since my ska band broke up." (Alone Together, S01E01)
  • "I'm glad the job's working out."
    "Yeah, I love it. I've been getting tons of free clothes, but I always get free clothing."
    "Yeah, I have older siblings too." (Alone Together, S01E01)
  • "Hannah Montana Esther is dead. Welcome to Miley." (Alone Together, S01E01)
  • "The old guy I met online who paid me to eat macaroni wearing sweatpants turned out to be a total creep." (Alone Together, S01E01)
  • "How long does a quest like this take?"
    "A good…season. (The Magicians, S03E01)
  • "Kelly, I know from your autobiography that you didn't get your start in television until were 40. And Mary-Kelly, I know from your autobiography that you had sex with Wee Man." (Great News, S02E11)
  • "I'm just finishing an e-mail that I will have sent 100 years ago." (Great News, S02E11)
  • Bill Murray as Steve Bannon (Saturday Night Live, S43E10)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


We Dat's

// New Orleans, LA

Raising Cane's is the "official chicken of the New Orleans Saints."

Anyone else ever order restaurant food to go and eat it sitting on a curb outside the restaurant to bypass queueing for a seat inside? #williemaesscotchhouse

The logo sends mixed signals.

The fuck? Every channel on this hotel treadmill is CNN.

Jon: I've never Lyft-ed this much. I could really use that $100 I lost at the casino.
Drew: Ride a bike.
Jon: Are you having a laugh? Sidewalks here are like black diamond trails for wheels, and streets are at least a blue square.

Laissez les bons temps rouler

// New Orleans, LA

My Lyft driver sees my destination.

Lyft Driver: Oh, that's near Jacques-Imo's, one of my favourite restaurants. My girlfriend is a server there.
Jon: Does she ever bring you leftover food?
Lyft Driver: No. I should beat her.
Jon: [Drew Scanlon reaction]

Does this casino not have baccarat?

Jon: Excuse me. Does this casino have baccarat?
Casino Employee: Heh. Follow me.

He leads me to an annex.

Casino Employee: We call this the "Asian table section." Baccarat, pai gow, you can eat noodles…
Jon: Ah-so…

Smoke-free baccarat is odd.

I did not expect a casino in New Orleans to be smoke-free.

I also did not expect there to be only one casino – and by law.

Harrah's New Orleans is referred to in state statute as "the official gaming establishment," see Chp.10, Title 4 of Louisiana Revised Statutes.

It's like if Denver only had one dispensary.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

Year nine.

1. Dan Le Batard vomits on air from Stugotz eating photo (The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz, 01-04-18)

Stray Observations

  • "I'm a walking medical disaster, Frank."
    "Well, that's why God invented Canada." (Shameless, S08E08)
  • "Do you think it's weird that all the girls you've liked have been white?"
    "But that's different. See, that's not a preference. That's just what's around." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E11)
  • "Black Jesus, please guide my hand to the nougat." (Black-ish, S04E10)
  • "Let me let you in on a little secret: Rules are for ugly people." (Black-ish, S04E10)
  • "I hate to say this, but it sounds like you got yourself an 'urb.' An unruly bitch." (Black-ish, S04E10)
  • "You were in a band?"
    "Yeah. The Johnson Five. I was the most talented, and the most troubled. That's why I died so young." (Black-ish, S04E10)
  • "For the new trick, Pascal the Magnificent wants to make me disappear and then reappear in Jerusalem. But I don't know. I don't like hummus." (LA to Vegas, S01E01)
  • "He's not a Saudi prince. He's just a Mexican with a pet falcon." (LA to Vegas, S01E01)
  • "It's not a bottle opener, you caveman, it's a piece of art."
    "No, that's a bottle-opening scrotum." (The Mick, S02E10)
  • Jennie Garth (The Mick, S02E10)
  • "Television is the lowest form of art, okay? It's a rung below macaroni jewelry." (The Mick, S02E10)
  • "What a Brenda, right?" (The Mick, S02E10)
  • "People don't get a lot of cool stuff. Right? Like uni and, uh, John Cougar Mellencamp." (The Mick, S02E10)
  • "Okay, we got to figure out something, because I am going to that gala or I am getting my thermos signed." (The Mick, S02E10)
  • "Hot tip: Most of the young, eligible, Jewish guys hang out right over there. We call that area 'Little Boca.'" (Grown-ish, S01E01)
  • "Oh, hey, Taylor. You got any questions for the Pustule Brothers?" (Speechless, S02E11)
  • "Actually, I think Kenneth wants to…
    "Strip with teens? Oh, no, he doesn't." (Speechless, S02E11)

(9-1-1, S01E01)

(9-1-1, S01E01)

  • "That was 'She Hates Me' by Puddle of Mudd. Coming up next: 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.'" (The Good Place, S02E08)
  • "We're about to close it down with one last song: 'She Hates Me' by Puddle of Mudd and 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' played at the same time." (The Good Place, S02E08)
  • "Surprise!"
    "Ah! Tiny Dunkirk!" (Great News, S02E10)
  • "He gave me a gift I can never repay: A $25 gift card to Coconuts." (Great News, S02E10)
  • "Chuck? Oh, no, are you the new Hedwig? I told you you don't have the chops." (Great News, S02E10)
  • "Please help me, Portia. I'll give you anything. How about a $25 gift card to Coconuts?" (Great News, S02E10)
  • "Still with us, Bo Jefferson, fiscally conservative van resident. And on the liberal side, daniel with a lowercase D." (Great News, S02E10)
  • "Do you think it's gonna explode?"
    "It's not a film. [If this was a film, we'd probably be American.]" (The End of the Fucking World, S01E02)
  • The End of the Fucking World Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


Death, destruction, anarchy, progress, ambition, and self-improvement

I'm off to New Orleans for the first time.

B gifted me an Away suitcase for Christmas. It features a built-in battery to charge USB devices.

I can't imagine a scenario, however, in which I can't find a power socket but have this suitcase with me. During a ride from an airport to a hotel?

Mallory out of a hat

New Year's Eve novelty glasses are capitalism at its worst. Direct-to-landfill.

Imagine surpluses of them being sent to Africa as sunglasses, everyone wearing a different year.

"This is my 2008 ensemble: McCain/Palin hat, namesake shades, NBA champion Lakers shirt."