Pacific Goons

What is this hoodie doing here?

A Hamilton hoodie.

Did Stan [my brother] see Hamilton? Always buying souvenir clothing…

Stan: Hey, this is yours.

My brother hands me said Hamilton hoodie.

Jon: Uhh… Okay…

Did he buy me a Hamilton hoodie? Why would he do that? Did it not fit him? Did one of his friends not want his or hers?

My Father: Hey, is this hoodie yours?
Jon: Uhh…

My father inspects said Hamilton hoodie.

Jon: If you want it, you can have it.
My Father: Sweet!

Had he been eyeing that hoodie?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

44. Sacred Copulation (American Horror Story, S07E08)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Anton Chigurh Halloween costume (Bob's Burgers, S08E03)
  • Mombie Halloween costume (Bob's Burgers, S08E03)
  • "What the hell was that?"
    "The wolf."
    "No, wolves howl. That was not a howl."
    "It sounded like the noise I made when Felicity cut her hair." (Bob's Burgers, S08E03)
  • "I hope you got your shittin' pants on."
    "Your shittin' pants. I hope you're wearing 'em right now, 'cause you…are about to shit your pants." (The Walking Dead, S08E01)
  • "I just shot a nigga. Come and get him." (The Deuce, S01E07)
  • ♫: The Kinks – "Strangers" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E04)
  • "Those pants might've been manufactured in a country that has small penises."
    "So these pants fit the penis from whence they came."
    "You're goddamn right. Why would they make a little fly in a country with big ass dicks? See, I'm-a tell you, I don't have that problem, 'cause I buy my shit from Jamaica." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E04)
  • "There's been a breach of the patient-doctor confidentiality." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E04)
  • "I like eating nachos and lip-syncing. I always have." (Vice Principals, S02E06)
  • Juggalo Halloween costume (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E04)
  • Craig and Smokey from Friday Halloween costumes (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E04)
  • "Explain yourself."
    "I'm Prince, and this is the one time of year I can wear a plunging neckline." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E04)
  • "Oh, what a lovely, uh…pimp and ho?"
    "My son is Willy Wonka and I'm not in costume." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E04)
  • "Everything in Orlando used to be a strip club." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E04)

(WWE SmackDown Live, 10-24-17)

  • "This is Black Monopoly, so let me break down the rules for you, all right? No side-coaching. No gifting of money, but loans are allowed."
    "Just know you're never gonna get your money back."
    "You cannot collect rent while you're in jail, and Pops does not pay income tax."
    "Reparations." (Black-ish, S04E04)
  • Maxine Waters Halloween costume (The Mayor, S01E04)
  • Fidget spinner Halloween costume (The Mayor, S01E04)
  • "Ohhh, Maxine Waters, look out! She's about to reclaim her time!" (The Mayor, S01E04)
  • Hell house (American Horror Story, S07E08)
  • "As he enters you, I will enter him." (American Horror Story, S07E08)
  • "There's no such thing as gay or straight. You have to lean into your masculinity." (American Horror Story, S07E08)
  • "This recipe also works for chicken, known as the fish of the ground." (At Home with Amy Sedaris, S01E01)
  • "Cheese will work with you if you let it." (At Home with Amy Sedaris, S01E01)
  • "Von Mueller's: Not just Hitler's syrup. The Kaiser loved it too." (At Home with Amy Sedaris, S01E01)
  • 10 Michael Jacksons Halloween costumes (Speechless, S02E05)

(Riverdale, S02E03)

  • Channel Zero: No-End House Season Grade: C
  • Custard's Last Flan, Panna Cotta Da Vida (The Good Place, S02E07)
  • "I love my New York life."
    "Really? 'Cause it seems like from your Instagram that you're always laying in bed trying to win some #CrazyForDoritos contest."
    "Trying to win? They invited me to the Cool Ranch." (Great News, S02E05)
  • "Katie, you're trying to have a life that does not belong to you, like Dr. Faustus, my gynecologist who turned out to be Andy Dick doing a prank." (Great News, S02E05)
  • "Now this'll be really scary, right? Like the time I was naked and I looked at a mirror on the floor?" (Great News, S02E05)
  • "How did you know my name was Katie?"
    "Girl, you're all named 'Katie.'" (Great News, S02E05)
  • "Between taking care of my three adorable children, Grayson, Mason and my unborn gay son Gayson…" (Great News, S02E05)
  • "If you were just to…taste my dick." (Better Things, S02E07)

(Nathan For You, S04E05)

  • "I took Eddie off guitar, and he's gonna be on smoke detector for this one." (Nathan For You, S04E05)
  • ♫: The Banzai Predicament – "Orphaned Skies" (Nathan For You, S04E05)
  • "So to frame Shell for this theft…" (Nathan For You, S04E05)
  • "How do you feel when you see this image of a bird covered in oil?"
    "I feel okay. I feel all right. I don't feel nothing. It's like, fun day at the beach." (Nathan For You, S04E05)
  • An American Werewolf in London (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E01)
  • "That's just our pit bull, Featuring Ludacris. He won't hurt you guys, will you, Featuring Ludacris? Are you a good featured artist?" (Big Mouth, S01E04)
  • "Magic is not gay. It transcends sexuality." (Big Mouth, S01E04)
  • "My dear boy, I make this vow: No cum shall enter your tummy." (Big Mouth, S01E04)
  • "Look at all these houses. You never know how many people are inside eating jizz." (Big Mouth, S01E04)
  • "You ever actually fuck a tomato? It's like fucking a sneeze."
    "Wait, you find a sneeze sexual?"
    "Ooh, I find everything sexual."
    "What about a chair?"
    "Sit on it, brother."
    "An airplane?"
    "Big dick flying through the sky."
    "What about a button-down shirt?"
    "You mean a gaping butthole and 10 clits?" (Big Mouth, S01E05)
  • Veronica's Closet (Big Mouth, S01E05)
  • "Jazz is like life. It goes on for longer than you think, and then as soon as you're like, 'Oh, I get it,' it ends." (Big Mouth, S01E06)
  • "Teepee, fat guy, sideways moon, other fat guy, sideways comb." (Big Mouth, S01E07)
  • "Hockey stick, coffee stain, water cooler cup, sideways comb." (Big Mouth, S01E07)
  • Whitney Houston (Big Mouth, S01E08)
  • "Wow. You taste so much better than my bath mat." (Big Mouth, S01E08)

"What? You've never seen a hormone monster's Jewish penis eat dumpster scallops?" (Big Mouth, S01E09)

  • Big Mouth Season Grade: C+
  • "I hate this overpriced bullshit!" (Stranger Things, S02E01)

(Stranger Things, S02E01)

  • "No one wants to be Winston, man." (Stranger Things, S02E02)
  • Flaming squirrel attack (Stranger Things, S02E02)
  • "No one likes 3 Musketeers." (Stranger Things, S02E02)

(Stranger Things, S02E05)

  • "So, Jonathan, how was the pull-out?" (Stranger Things, S02E02)
  • Punky Brewster (Stranger Things, S02E07)
  • Justice for Bob (Stranger Things, S02E10)
  • Stranger Things Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


Eater's Digest: Toronto 4

Previously on Adam Riff™:

September 2017
doma / p.g. cluck's / le gourmand / flock / p.g. cluck's / death in venice / canis / the fix / jackpot chicken rice / eative film cafe / otto's berlin döner / levetto / the fix / the black hoof / death in venice / flock / uncle mikey's / a game cafe / baro / momofuku daishō / carver / eative film cafe / rasa / wong's ice cream / foxley / the dock ellis sports bar / bake shoppe / square fish / moo frites / schmaltz appetizing / wong's ice cream / lake inez / the carbon bar / grey gardens / brothers / yogen früz / richtree natural market / tasty's caribbean

Pho Horse Carpaccio (The Black Hoof)
burnt ginger mayo, salsa verde, bean sprouts, lime

^ Raw horse meat flavoured to taste just like pho.

Surf and Turf (The Black Hoof)
tomatillo salad

^ Raw shrimp and a pig's feet croquette.

"Clam Chowder" (The Black Hoof)
pickerel cheeks, pickled clams, celery, goldfish crackers

^ A cold remix of the "Pickerel Cheek Potato Salad Thing" listed on the restaurant's website.

(YamChops) is a "plant-based butcher shop." All of the meat in its deli cases is fake.

Tuna Doshi [Donut Sushi] (Square Fish)
bottom: crispy rice with cheese; top: sushi rice, avocado, black sesame; basics: lettuce, crab meat salad, seaweed salad, edamame, sweet corn, mango, cucumber, tempura bits, tobiko, scallion, with house special spicy aioli

^ Disappointingly, not a donut topped with raw fish, but rather a difficult-to-eat stack of poke bowl ingredients. Its base is rice wrapped in cheese and deep-fried until crispy, because sure.

(Wong's Ice Cream) is my new favourite ice creamery in North America. Its cups are Chinese take-out containers.

Dark Chocolate Five-Spice Sorbet (Wong's Ice Cream)
—The richest chocolate sorbet I have ever consumed. It tastes like how a Chinese herb shop smells.

Sriracha Buttered Popcorn Ice Cream (Wong's Ice Cream)
—The sriracha manifests as an aftertaste.

Coconut Mango Sticky Rice Ice Cream (Wong's Ice Cream)
—Contains actual sticky rice.

Black Sesame Ice Cream with Salted Duck Egg (Wong's Ice Cream)
—Like a Chinese version of Baskin-Robbins' Peanut Butter 'N Chocolate Ice Cream.

Hong Kong Milk Tea Ice Cream (Wong's Ice Cream)
Blond Kinako Brown Butter Ice Cream (Wong's Ice Cream)
Pine Needle Pink Lychee Ice Cream (Wong's Ice Cream)

Pad Thai Gelato (Death in Venice)
fish sauce, soy sauce, peanuts, coriander, lime juice, milk, cinnamon, hint of chilli, ginger, and sugar
—Well balanced.

Chocolate Basil Pesto Gelato with Balsamic Reduction (Death in Venice)
Peanut Butter and Croissant Gelato (Death in Venice)

Ruffles Marshmallow Bar (Bake Shoppe)

^ I thought this was a Rice Krispies Treat coated in Ruffles, but it's actually a Rice Krispies Treat made with Ruffles instead of Rice Krispies – and it's works!

Brown Butter Nutella Cookie (Bake Shoppe)
—A chocolate chip cookie with Nutella instead of chocolate chips.

To me, (Doma) was the best of Toronto's best new restaurants of 2017 that I tried [I tried five out of seven]. Its menu changes monthly with some dishes held over.

Gochujang Ratatouille (Doma)
roasted red pepper, tomato, eggplant, zucchini, tofu steak, gochujang


Grilled Octopus (Doma)
cabbage, konyak, bell pepper, pear, seaweed, pickled mustard seeds, korean mustard dressing, cucumber granita

^ The octopus I could take or leave. Its accompaniments, however, were scrumptious.

To me, (Canis) was the worst of Toronto's best new restaurants of 2017 that I tried.

I didn't feel like I was getting my money's worth out of its tasting menu, and then this hoss arrived, as if to say, "Here's your money's worth, bitch.":

Duck, Cabbage, Pearl Onion (Canis)

^ Only the sliced half was edible, though.

OG Duck Chaufa (Baro)
duck confit, rice, edamame, egg, papi kung fu, chile, tobiko, corn
—$35 duck fried rice! Albeit with bits of socorrat. Still, $35!

Also at (Baro): $15 chips and guac!

I sought (Lake Inez) out for its Sichuan-Style Lamb Pappardelle, but alas, the dish had been dropped from its menu.

Fazoletti Verde (Lake Inez)
'handkerchief' pasta with tiger shrimp, fermented chillies, grilled veg, cashews, lime juice, fish sauce

^ A swell consolation dish.

I was amused to discover six or seven single-use washrooms downstairs.

Gigli (Grey Gardens)
cheddar, hot sauce, paprika

^ $21 mac and cheese.

I don't understand this dish. Why is it served with hot sauce on the side? If I'm supposed to eat it with hot sauce, then it should be served with hot sauce already added. This isn't Taco Bell.

Sweetbreads, Creamed Corn (Brothers)

^ Another confusing dish.

Jalapeño and Honey Fried Chicken Sandwich (P.G. Clucks)
honey-dipped chicken, sweet pickled jalapeños, fermented jalapeño sauce, ranch sauce

^ I saw someone receive this sandwich with a honey cruller as the bun and assumed that its bun was a honey cruller. Nope. You have to request a honey cruller as its bun or you will receive it with a standard bun.



Big Cluck (P.G. Clucks)
two pieces of chicken, lettuce, pickles, onions, american cheese, mac sauce

Sir John A McDonald (Big House Pizza)
ground all-beef patties, cheddar cheese, pickles, onion, on a sesame seed crust; topped with lettuce, special sauce




Sea Bream Ceviche with Yuzu and Shiso (Foxley)

Bagel Bread Pudding (Schmaltz Appetizing)
—Unpalatable in both taste and texture.

Cereal Killa Prawns (Jackpot Chicken Rice)
butterflied jumbo shrimp, wheat cereal, red chilli, curry leaf, golden egg floss

Complimentary Chili Brown Butter Popcorn (Rasa)

Grasshopper (The Fix)
french mint ice cream, chocolate coating, crushed candy cane, chocolate pearls, fresh mint

Kare Trippa (Uncle Mikey's)
tripe, s&b curry, parmigiano reggiano, grilled sourdough
—A delectable tripe curry.

The Kentucky Pecan Pie (The Carbon Bar)
pecans, 72% bitter chocolate, lot 40 rye cream, pecan brittle

Milk Sorbet, Walnut, White Chocolate (Canis)

Peking Duck Pizza (Levetto)
duck, cucumber, and scallion salad; hoisin sauce, duck crackling

Sweet Ontario Corn (Uncle Mikey's)
grilled, served off the cob; kimchi duck fat, canadian feta


Ziggy Stardust Disco Egg (La Banane)

^ A hand-painted chocolate egg filled with chocolate truffles. I trekked to (La Banane) to try one, but then learned that one costs $50.

$45 Caviar Bagel (Schmaltz Appetizing)
50 grams of american sturgeon caviar with sliced eggs and cream cheese

French Tacos (Mister Frenchy)

Burritos that contain Chow Mein Noodles instead of Rice (Chino Locos)

Mac and Cheeto Burrito (Junked Food Co.)
creamy cheddar mac and cheese, flamin' hot cheetos, lettuce, pico de gallo, cheddar, black olives, sour cream, chili sauce, and jalapeño in a tortilla wrap

Cheese Ribs (James Cheese Back Ribs)
pork back ribs slow-cooked and roasted in house korean bbq sauce; served over molten mozzarella cheese

^ Wyd, Korea?

Shrimp Toast with Laksa Sauce (Jackpot Chicken Rice)
chinese dough fritter, crab paste, coconut curry

^ Youtiao as the bread.

Charred Scallop Ceviche (Jackpot Chicken Rice)
pei scallop, watermelon, chrysanthemum, jalapeño, fried garlic, nam chim

Grilled Beef Heart with Chili Lime Salsa (Foxley)

Roasted Pig's Head Nachos (Bar Hop)

Lobster Nachos (Good Catch Boil House)

Jerk Lasagna (Rasta Pasta)
jerk chicken nestled between layers of lasagna in your choice of alfredo or rose sauce

Jerk Shawarma (Chris Jerk)

Habanero Cruller (Richmond Station)
oolong, coconut, juniper, lime, pineapple, banana mint

Cucumber and Gin (Richmond Station)
jasmine pudding, cucumber jellies, gin lime cloud, jasmine rice sherbet

Toronto Island (The Fix)
vanilla soft serve, lake blue jelly, boat and human cookies

My Little Pony: The Movie Frozen Yogurt (Yogurty's)
blue: white chocolate; pink: cotton candy

Summer Halo Halo (Lake Inez)
strawberry sorbet, coconut granita, cherries, peach gelée, stewed plums, thai basil, rice krispies

Chocolate Bourbon Skull (The Carbon Bar)
bitter chocolate, woodford reserve butter ganache, pecan

Named after Weezer's second album.

Sooo… Queens Pizzeria?


Fuzz Minor

American Satan?


Is that Sam from Game of Thrones? And Goldberg?

Who else is in this?

Ben Bruce of the band ASKING ALEXANDRIA plays Leo Donovan, a charismatic guitar hero.

Malcolm McDowell, the mysterious Mr. Capricorn, preys on the band's naivety.

Olivia Culpo, 2012's Miss Universe, is the love of Johnny's life back in his mid-western home.

Drake Bell stars as Damien – the guy you love to hate.

"The legendary Denise Richards."

Another 2017 film:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

43. Gay Test (Big Mouth, S01E03)

Honourable Mention

  • Salman Rushdie (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • Jimmy's awkward hook-up with Adrienne (You're the Worst, S04E08)
  • Penises playing basketball (Big Mouth, S01E01)
  • ♫: "Everybody Bleeds" (Big Mouth, S01E02)

Stray Observations

  • "I've got a monkey holding a banana like a phone."
    "Who's he calling? [laughs] Oh, it's fun to imagine, right? Michael Jackson." (Bob's Burgers, S08E02)
  • "I had a very productive day yesterday."
    "It's true. It was like Cocoon." (Bob's Burgers, S08E02)
  • "Florida is for people who don't know about Hawaii." (Ghosted, S01E03)
  • "Mitch Bachelor." (Ghosted, S01E03)
  • "I don't like when my clothes billow." (Ghosted, S01E03)
  • "Oh, you guys feeling like rock-and-rollers? Yeah, Coldplay in the house!" (Ghosted, S01E03)

(Ghosted, S01E03)

  • A-Rod playing Flip Cup with the Gronks (Shark Tank, S09E04)
  • ♫: James Carr – "These Ain't Raindrops" (The Deuce, S01E06)
  • "What is your problem? We had something. I felt it. I felt it on the bow, I felt it on the stern, then a few more times on the bow, then the stern again. Then you flipped me over onto my starboard side. I even tried aft for the first time." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E03)
  • "Take your unsucked candy and get back to your desk." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "Oh, you can't 'yoo-hoo' a judge?"
    "You most certainly cannot 'yoo-hoo' a judge." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "For we are not donkeys. Or in Brooklyn, we would say 'dunkeys,' for some reason." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "Fuck you, Elvid!" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "Were you just spying on us? Drinking my RC Cola!" (Vice Principals, S02E05)

(Vice Principals, S02E05)

  • "Let's go out back by the dumpsters. I have a huge hole in my panties." (Vice Principals, S02E05)
  • "Don't do it inside my Silverado." (Vice Principals, S02E05)

(WWE Raw, 10-16-17)

  • "He's sensitive. Classic Leno fan." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E03)
  • "You can send back baby corn. You can't send back baby." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E03)
  • Ray Wise doing karaoke (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E03)
  • "Sorry I'm late, guys."
    "What's your excuse today? Uh, another OJ verdict?" (Black-ish, S04E03)
  • "Guess how old fine Angela Bassett is?"
    "Wow! She's 59!"
    "What?! Tina Turner is 77!"
    "Whoa. Crispus Attucks is 294." (Black-ish, S04E03)
  • "This is bad. This is worse than white people with dreadlocks." (The Mayor, S01E03)
  • "We got this tradition where you gotta choose each other's Halloween costume, and whatever gets chosen, you gotta go with it."
    "You gotta commit."
    "Oh, okay, do me."
    "Fernando Valenzuela."
    "Who the hell is that?"
    "Who the hell are you? He's only, like, one of the best pitchers of all time."
    "I've never heard of him."
    "People will love it, trust me. My turn."
    "Randy Johnson."
    "You guys making these names up?"
    "Don't do pitcher just 'cause I did pitcher."
    "No, I'm not. You inspired me. You know, I mean, you got these…floppy limbs and this, like, emaciated face. [pause] No, like, in a good way. [pause] I find Randy Johnson very attractive."
    "All right, whatever. Alba, do Jimmy."
    "Okay, uhh… Garbage."
    "Garbage what? Like the garbage man to drive a truck?"
    "No. No man, no truck. Just…garbage." (The Mick, S02E04)
  • "Dude, I'm just trying to get a drink."
    "All right, well, sit tight, guy. My homegirl's filling up her pumpkin." (The Mick, S02E04)
  • "Who the hell are you?"
    "I'm Randy Johnson." (The Mick, S02E04)
  • "None of you stand a chance against me. No courage, no patience, no brains, and, of course, a bald old man."
    "I'm younger than you."
    "No comeback for the bald thing, I see." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • "Hook, line, and sphincter."
    "It's 'sinker.'"
    "No, it's 'sphincter.' That's where you put the hook in when you're eeling." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • "Wait a minute. This isn't the championship cummerbund. This is some common cummerbund. And you're not Cheddar. You're just some common bitch." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • "Terry also loved the show."
    "No, no, I love Elisabeth Moss. Terry thought the show was too bleak." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • Evan Peters as Andy Warhol (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "Holy shit. I just got a retweet from Eric Trump." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "Silly girls are all stupid and doomed. History may change, but herstory always repeats itself." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "SCUM stands for the Society for Cutting Up Men." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "We were the Zodiac." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "What did you even say to them anyway?"
    "That you're an enormous pain in the ass and that they shouldn't let you in."
    "Excuse me! I am a joy in the ass!" (Speechless, S02E04)
  • ♫: Characters singing "Milkshake" (Riverdale, S02E02)
  • ♫: Characters singing "Milkshake" (South Park, S21E05)
  • "Cankle Action" (You're the Worst, S04E08)
  • "Sign up for Trunk Club. Pop a few Zoloft. Join in on the live-action cartoon of 2D emotions that everyone else is in." (Mr. Robot, S03E02)
  • ♫: Barenaked Ladies – "One Week" (Mr. Robot, S03E02)
  • "Jason's a nice person, but my suitors were always of a certain…echelon. I used what I called the 'Duke Rule,' because Duke is both minimum acceptable university and rank of nobility." (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • Shrimp dispenser (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • "Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way. They're worthless space garbage. What you're holding right now, that's basically meteorite poop." (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • "Nobody try Mystery Flavor. It's white chocolate, and it is nasty." (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • "It was unfortunate that Sal's mom was still alive, because the suit was perfect." (Nathan For You, S04E04)
  • "If there's stuff from her body that she doesn't use…" (Nathan For You, S04E04)
  • Mindhunter Season Grade: C
  • "Now let's watch McConaughey bang two meth heads at a rodeo, and try not to think about AIDS. [breathes heavily] Andrew…"
    "I'm thinking about AIDS." (Big Mouth, S01E01)
  • "Jai ho!" (Big Mouth, S01E01)
  • "Oh, look, the lost and found became a person." (Big Mouth, S01E03)
  • "Lacrosse tryouts are tomorrow. Exciting news for rich sociopaths with a loose concept of consent." (Big Mouth, S01E03)
  • "Ghost cock is like vegan bacon – it just isn't as good as the real thing." (Big Mouth, S01E03)
  • "Everything in the gay community is a thing." (Big Mouth, S01E03)

(Big Mouth, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


Colossal Brown

For several long and expensive years, Price has also had comedy and drama chief Joe Lewis and his team at work developing a series called Shanghai Snow, based on his own idea.

The project is not listed on IMDb, which is owned by Amazon, though several writers with credits say they have worked on it and Price's friend, the filmmaker McG, was attached to direct.

Aspiring script writer Yale Hannon produced one outline with scribes Evan Spiliotopoulos and Raven Metzner also having written versions.

In the draft written by Hannon, Shanghai Snow follows a young woman named Cindy who is sold into sex slavery. Under the control of a "psychotic imperial Thai dwarf" named Mr. Goodtimes, Cindy is drugged, beaten with a machete and told she will be "fucked like a dead fish."


The Lost star will play a troubled police officer and dog handler in the eight-part drama, in which ex-lovers who survive a terrifying shark attack are thrown together by fate to hunt down murderers.

Monaghan's character grew up in an abusive family, was chained to a dog and bitten as a child, and as a result has developed a serious psychosexual perversion that will play out across the series.

Guantanamo Baywatch

// Seattle, WA

I go to Seattle for 10 days and get invited to two weddings.

It was odd to see doors to flats at street level in a downtown area.

Cell on a school.

Has anyone ever staged a rooftop wrestling event?

I was surprised at how many restaurants in Seattle are rated "good." Essential restaurants, hot restaurants, the breakfast buffet in my hotel: just "good." Seattle/King County's health inspectors think they're me.

You don't see as many "B" ratings in Los Angeles.

The Tummy Temple is the largest provider of colon hydrotherapy in the United States, with two dedicated colonic rooms open seven days a week. [source]

Pedestrian crossings in Seattle are wonky.

According to someone (I don't remember), a "cross" signal doesn't appear unless you pushed a call button, so if you didn't push a call button and don't pay attention to traffic lights, you can miss your turn to cross.

One day, I just missed a "cross" signal, but traffic lights in the same direction didn't turn red, so I crossed (and could cross) for minutes after "cross" became "don't cross."

One night, a "cross" signal didn't appear when it should have, and in the middle of crossing on a "don't cross," traffic lights perpendicular to me turned green.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

42. Unauthorized Chinese Restaurant Wedding (Nathan For You, S04E03)

Honourable Mention

  • Rodney and Candy (The Deuce, S01E05)
  • Monologue (Mr. Robot, S03E01)

Stray Observations

  • "Ain't nobody wanna fuck a girl named Bernice." (The Deuce, S01E05)
  • "Don't you dare eat his butt!"
    "I will eat his butt! Put the gun down!" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E02)
  • "This is a hooker smock is what you got on." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "Good luck with the fatwa." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "Ru-dy Giu-li-a-niiiiii!" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "I'm not even gonna bring up the fact you're fucking in your goddamn glasses." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "The way he relaxes is the way all men relax. It's called 'ejaculation.'" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "He can't masturbate. He can't make it come out."
    "He can't go left?"
    "No, he can't go to his left. Can you go to your left?"
    "Eh, nobody can." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "My name is Chappie Johnson and I can't open this damn pickle jar!" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "I did a hooker mitzvah! It's a hooker mitzvah." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • ♫: Perfume Genius – "Queen" (Vice Principals, S02E04)
  • "Excuse me. May I come in for a glass of water?"
    "No. Your dehumidifier is full. Drink that." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E02)
  • "How are the thank you notes going?"
    "Good! Here: 'Babies hate pewter spoons. Kill yourself.'" (Black-ish, S04E02)
  • "She's gonna be okay."
    "Are you sure? She put sunscreen and a steak knife in Diane's lunchbox today."
    "Turns out I needed both at recess!" (Black-ish, S04E02)
  • "Follow the flan." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E03)
  • "All he took was a shipment of $1000 Weezys designed by Little Wayne."
    "Oh, it's Lil."
    "Oh, like Lillian. Lillian Wayne, okay…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E03)
  • "Jake, can you please spiral a little quieter? Nicolaj is still asleep, and if he hears two men arguing in the next room, he might think he's getting sold again." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E03)
  • "People like Mr. Anderson and Trump are not the garbage. They are the flies that the garbage has drawn." (American Horror Story, S07E06)
  • "A young man's certainty is also his burden. I'm gonna relieve you of both." (American Horror Story, S07E06)
  • "Knowing stuff has no value anymore, not when the answer is in my back pocket or sitting on my desk. The youth has it figured out. The future will be filled with beautiful idiots who just want to feel." (American Horror Story, S07E06)
  • "No one's gonna believe any of that!"
    "Mm. Of course they will. It's on Facebook." (American Horror Story, S07E06)
  • "Those kids… I mean, yeah, they were puking their guts out or eating cat food for BJs, but they were just hanging out together and that was enough." (You're the Worst, S04E07)
  • Mute button for life (Mr. Robot, S03E01)
  • "A millennial is someone who's only been torturing people for 1000 years." (The Good Place, S02E05)
  • "It's Chinese for 'Japan.'" (The Good Place, S02E05)
  • "Focus on something great, like the Sharper Image catalog. What can't those guys ionize?" (The Good Place, S02E05)
  • "Mi torture es su torture." (The Good Place, S02E05)
  • "So you won't be around? But you're my mentor… Could you appear in the clouds when I have a moral conundrum?"
    "I do have Mufasa technology, but it's very expensive." (Great News, S02E03)
  • "You know, from Law and Order. In England, it's called Barristers and Decorum." (Great News, S02E03)
  • Pervert's high five (Great News, S02E03)
  • ♫: Yellow Ostrich – "Fog" (Better Things, S02E05)
  • ♫: "Mambo No. 5" (Nathan For You, S04E03)
  • Louisiana accent (Nathan For You, S04E03)
  • "I was reminded of the vows we had taken at that Chinese restaurant." (Nathan For You, S04E03)
  • "Can I take you to see Natural Born Killers?" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E09)
  • "What the hell is Yahoo?" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E09)
  • ♫: Beck – "Beercan" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E10)
  • "Oh, she's doing these college-level C++ classes. It's one night a week at Foothill." (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E10)
  • ♫: Peter Gabriel – "Solsbury Hill" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E10)
  • Halt and Catch Fire Season Grade: C
  • "This new girl, she take it up the ass?"
    "We haven't really discussed it."
    "Ask her. An asshole will suck your cock right in – literally. It's like a hole that sucks. [makes slurping sound] It's easy. But when you fuck somebody in the neck, it's entirely the opposite. It's nothing but resistance. It's really difficult. You feel this? Feel it. It's all muscle. Cartilaginous." (Mindhunter, S02E02)
  • "To your fellatio skills." (Mindhunter, S02E07)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


Jack Lives Here

// Seattle, WA

Chris: I've lived below both frat boys and sorority girls. I preferred living below the frat boys.
Jon: Oh?
Mike: Because of the shoes the sorority girls wore for parties.

Chris: Did you like Wonder Woman?
Jon: It was okay.
Chris: I didn't like it. Well, I didn't like what I've seen. I haven't finished it yet. While watching it last night, I felt the urge to watch another film and switched.
Jon: Which other film?
Chris: MacGruber.


If there's a hell below, we're all going to go

// Mount Vernon, WA

Elizabeth and I are driving up to Vancouver, BC to see a film.

Jon: Hey, how's your brother?
Elizabeth: Uhh… Did something happen to him?
Jon: Uhh… I just know that you have a brother.
Elizabeth: Oh. He's become somewhat of a celebrity. I thought you might have seen something that I didn't.
Jon: A celebrity, eh?
Elizabeth: Google Arthur's name.

I google Arthur's name.

Jon: "Meet the Trump backer leading the resistance to the resistance in California."


Lazy Sunday

// Seattle, WA

Tony and I are walking up Broadway in Capitol Hill. We pass two dudes who are walking their bikes.

Tony: Whoops. Excuse me.

Behind me, I hear someone spit, followed by "I didn't mean to do that. I was spitting on the ground and— I spat toward the ground and…"

Tony and I enter a QFC.

Jon: Did that bicyclist just spit at you?
Tony: Yup, on the back of my neck. Not a loogie, but spittle.

Tony: Before he did, I heard him mutter "Fuckin' bitch. I oughta spit on you."

Tony: Can you check my back for spit?

Jon: All clear.

Tony and I are making garlic chips.

Jon: The recipe says "use chopsticks to make sure they don't stick together in the hot oil."

Tony searches for chopsticks.

Tony: I only have one wooden chopstick. The rest are all plastic.
Jon: Why do you only have one wooden chopstick?
Tony: I use the other one to make coffee.

Tony directs my eyes toward a window sill, where I notice the other wooden chopstick.

Tony: I'm googling "what to do if someone spits on you."

Tony: First comment on a post: "Well, if you are a police officer, you shoot the bastard. He might have AIDS, and your life is in danger."

I google "what to do if someone spits on you."

Jon: "A palm-heel at a 45 degree angle into the nose is a nice response to spit in the face."
Jon: Reply to that comment: "A palm heel strike to the nose can shear off the cartilage in the nose and send that 'bone' fragment into the brain. Instantly killing the person. Not the proper response for being spat upon."

Tony: "I had a little kid spit on my face once (8 years old or something) and I know they don't really understand how disrespectful that shit is, but I pushed him to the ground and made him cry lol (no child abuser)."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

41. Schoolhouse Roots (Black-ish, S04E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Fanimated (Bob's Burgers, S08E01)
  • "I like dating." (Bob's Burgers, S08E01)
  • "The idea came from a childhood cartoon called TaleSpin. One of the characters in there would jump out of an airplane, throw a board under his feet, grab on to a rope, and get towed behind the airplane through the sky." (Shark Tank, S09E01)
  • Jack Black cameo (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • "Now let's have a moment of silent prayer while I decapitate Pat with a shovel." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • "Looks like he loved you very much before you shot him." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • "Hey, bud, you done with my shirt?" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • "That Pamela is a real B – minus the stinger, plus the 'itch.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • "Ooh, a coconut breast milk smoothie would be next level. For Dawn, not for me. Virgin. The drink, not Dawn. Well, may I presume she's a virgin as well?" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E01)
  • Constipated Carrie Brownstein (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "You guys got some great slang." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "I shot a porno constipated. I ran a 5K marathon constipated. I was in a hot dog eating contest constipated. You cannot let this bitch use constipation as something to lean on." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "That's a fuckin' bride. You a goddamn groom." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "It's a cooking spray, PAM."
    "No, it's People Against Mutilation." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "If it was a parrot, it would be a tragedy, or some exotic bird from Brazil, like a macaw or a toucan."
    "I don't live in a Cuban dance hall." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "Cruditake." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "Fatwa by association." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "Fatwa?"
    "No, lesbian bride." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E01)
  • "It is big, isn't it?"
    "Why are you asking me?"
    "Well, you're the one I stick it in, Christine. Who else am I gonna ask?"
    "Yeah, it's fine. I mean, I don't know. I haven't seen a lot of penises."
    "Well, certainly you know if it's, if it's small…"
    "It's perfect for me… Big ones hurt."
    "Well, I could hurt you. I could hit both walls if I wanted – and your uterus." (Vice Principals, S02E03)

(Vice Principals, S02E03)

  • "Well, you're not even my type either."
    "I don't like it when girls have just landing strips. I've always liked it more when girls have full-blown beavers. Anybody who knows me knows that. So no matter how close we would have gotten, it would have only been so close, 'cause you just don't have enough pubic hair. [sniffles]" (Vice Principals, S02E03)
  • "I am Presidentress of the Megagargantuans. We named ourselves before learning we were small." (Rick and Morty, S03E10)
  • "Senior year, I took you on a date to the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra performing the music of Alan Silvestri in the park. At this point in the song from Volcano, when Tommy Lee Jones and the utility workers are using cars to guide the lava into a cul de sac, I realized my palms were so sweaty, I would never get to hold your hand…" (Rick and Morty, S03E10)
  • Rick and Morty Season Grade: C+
  • "I was a contestant on Studs once." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E01)
  • "You ready, son?"
    "Is The Secret World of Alex Mack the best show on television?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E01)
  • "What are you worried about? Relax… Have some Molly." (The Mick, S02E02)
  • "What about Magic Johnson's Still Alive Day?" (Black-ish, S04E01)
  • "UVA."
    "We built that."
    "Chapel Hill."
    "We built that."
    "No, sorry, our Hebrew brothers get credit for that." (Black-ish, S04E01)
  • "You've never truly loved until you've loved your cousin." (Black-ish, S04E01)
  • "Grab a blonde and miscegenate." (Black-ish, S04E01)

(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)

  • "Imagination is never the solution." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)
  • "There is nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)
  • "Ugh, typical shiksa." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E02)
  • "The perception of credibility leads to the perception of power." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • "The world isn't 'tell me,' it's 'show me.'" (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • "Latin is inherently scary." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • "Ave Satanas, motherfucker." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • "The world record for nails in the head before death is 13." (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • The Red Pill (American Horror Story, S07E05)
  • "It's not fair that I get to put up these walls and you can't with me, so I think it's only fair that I reveal myself to you."
    "Are you going to show me your…?"
    "No! But I am gonna show you…my emotional penis." (Speechless, S02E02)
  • ♫: Holy Oysters – "Take Me for a Ride" (You're the Worst, S04E06)
  • "One of my employees is blackmailing me – Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place in the main square, A Little Bit Chowder Now."
    "Oh, the place with the, the chowder fountain."
    "No, that's Pump Up the Clam. Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder. [gags] How did we ever think this was the Good Place?" (The Good Place, S02E04)
  • "I might be the most advanced Janet in the universe." [pats head while rubbing stomach] (The Good Place, S02E04)
  • "Oh, no… I died in Cleveland?" (The Good Place, S02E04)
  • "Not gonna do it – Dana Carvey." (Great News, S02E02)
  • "Look at these two. Just like Sam and Diane."
    "From Cheers, the classic '80s alcoholism PSA?"
    "No, Salmon Diane, the classic fish recipe. Just salmon and nacho cheese. You wouldn't think they would go together, and in many ways, they do not." (Great News, S02E02)
  • "With the help of a guy from Craigslist, our tailor was able to take all the measurements he needed." (Nathan For You, S04E02)

(Nathan For You, S04E02)

  • "I also had a cane with a secret trigger that could dispense organic sour cream on demand, a trucker hat with a built-in cheese grater to deliver fresh cheddar cheese, and lastly, a cargo pocket full of chives." (Nathan For You, S04E02)
  • "I did feel a little bad that no one wanted anything to do with our wart angels that day." (Nathan For You, S04E02)
  • "Uh, type of pacemaker you have?"
    "Umm… I think it's uhhh… Sony?" (Nathan For You, S04E02)
  • ♫: Barnes and Barnes – "Fish Heads" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You


You don't miss your water 'til your well runs dry

Today is my 35th birthday.

Last month, Adam Riff™ dot com turned 17.

By my calculation, on August 17, 2018, this website will have consumed exactly half of my life.

And from August 17, 2018 on, this website will have consumed over half of my life.

Half of my life – all because I wanted to be able to joke about giant throbbing erections and execution by firing squad with impunity.

My son will be a senior in high school next year.

Eater's Digest: September 29, 2017

Trying out single-day digests for local eating.

San Francisco, CA
salt and straw / the saratoga / media noche / wesburger 'n' more

Creepy Crawly Critters Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)
matcha ice cream spiked with zesty orange, hiding real dark chocolate-covered crickets and coconut toffee-brittle mealworms
—The crickets and mealworms are negligible. It's basically matcha ice cream with some textural bits.

Roasted Strawberry Tres Leches Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)
rich strawberry ice cream made with roasted oxnard strawberries, a touch of salt, sweet cream, creamy tres leches cake, a swirl of bright strawberry vanilla jam

Peach Vinegar Cobbler with Toasted Nutmeg Ice Cream (Salt and Straw)
salted vanilla ice cream with a hint of toasted nutmeg, jammy california peaches roasted in peach vinegar, toasted nutmeg crumble
—The vinegar works!

Green Chartreuse-Glazed Doughnut (The Saratoga)
chocolate old-fashioned, rainbow sprinkles

^ Chartreuse is a French herbal liqueur distilled by monks through a secret process known only to them.

I couldn't discern the Chartreuse glaze, but I think I felt it in my throat after eating the doughnut, though that may have been the peppermint Orbit gum I was chewing beforehand.

El Cubano Sandwich (Media Noche)
roasted mojo pork shoulder, smoked ham, swiss, house pickles, mustard
—A case of "second time not as dynamite as the first."

Previously at Media Noche:

Mi Abuelita Favorita Moon Bar (Media Noche)
guava cheesecake ice cream dipped in chocolate, crushed maria cookies

^ The ice cream is made with water buffalo milk.

PB&J Burger (WesBurger 'N' More)
6oz patty with peanut butter, onion rings, jalapeño strawberry jam, and sharp cheddar
—Didn't really taste like anything.

Queso (WesBurger 'N' More)
—Like Franklin ruined brisket for me, Torchy's ruined queso. Few other quesos compare.

Previously at WesBurger:

Nashville Hot Chicken Sandwich (WesBurger 'N' More)
buttermilk-battered, extra crispy fried chicken dipped in house nashville spice mix, served with garlic mayo, lettuce, and pickles

Fried Chicken Burrito (WesBurger 'N' More)
fried chicken, pintos, corn salad, avocado, crema, cheese, and salsa


Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch Pudding (The Saratoga)
black label scotch caramel

Jerk Salad (WesBurger 'N' More)
jerked chicken, pickled veg, peach, avo, tomato, fried shallot, romaine


Eater's Digest: Las Vegas 5

This was supposed to be longer, but I didn't end up returning this past weekend.

August 2017
sparrow + wolf / jaburritos / secret pizza / tipsy robot / tacos el gordo / taco bell cantina / chada thai / ameriCAN beer bar

Bento Box (Sparrow + Wolf)
a three-tier selection of premium oysters, shellfish, cured meats, terrines, and seasonal condiments

^ $75 appetizer.

Chinatown Clams Casino (Sparrow + Wolf)
lap cheong, shiitake mushroom, uni hollandaise

Beef Cheek and Bone Marrow Dumpling (Sparrow + Wolf)
green onion emulsion

Coal Roasted Beets and Endive (Sparrow + Wolf)
pea shoots, oro blanco, shaved fennel, sheep's milk blue, and bird seed

^ I cleaned the plate of bird seed.

(Sparrow + Wolf) shares a building with

Drew texts me this image:

Jon: Is this Vegas?
Drew: No, Philly.
Jon: Huh. Because I have a Pokéman in my notes for Vegas.

Jon: Gotta try them all?

Sushi Cupcakes (Jaburritos)

^ Like miniature sushi bowls in crispy wonton shells.

Smoked Salmon Cupcake (Jaburritos)
smoked salmon, red onion, dill, cream cheese, garnished with dill and masago

Spicy Surimi Crab Cupcake (Jaburritos)
spicy surimi crab, guacamole, cream cheese, garnished with togarashi

Spicy Tuna Cupcake (Jaburritos)
spicy tuna, spicy mayo, eel sauce, garnished with cucumber and crispy garlic

White Pie (Secret Pizza)

^ Still.

At (Tipsy Robot), you order a cocktail on a tablet, choosing a specialty cocktail or creating one of your own, and then watch a robotic arm make your order.


Sausage and Stout Pizza (Pizza Rock)
honey-malted guinness beer dough, house-made mozzarella, house-made beer sausage, caramelized onions, fontina cheese, green onion, crushed red peppers, beer salt, drizzled with a sweet guinness reduction

Palace Pan Roast (The Oyster Bar)
shrimp, crab, chicken, and andouille sausage

^ David Chang: "It's the best dish in Las Vegas."