1
// Las Vegas, NV
I never wanted to know my Uber passenger rating.
You used to have to dig for it, and, as such, I didn't, but I press the hamburger icon on the home screen and—
Jonathan Yu
4.82
4.82? 4.82.
Why did some drivers not rate me five stars? I wonder. I'm an uneventful passenger.
Is it for not conversing?
Is it because of cancelled rides? If so, how dare they penalize me for their incompetence!
—
Over my weekend in Vegas, my Uber passenger rating drops from 4.82 to 4.77, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why.
Is it because I only tipped that driver 15%?
I go back and add to her tip so it becomes 20% of the fare.
Did I tip everyone else 20%?
[checks receipts]
Yes.
The fuck?!?!
2
// Chicago, IL
A 52-year-old black man picks me up at O'Hare.
He sees that my destination is a bakery west of Midway.
Uber Driver: That's almost the hood!
—
We stop for a train to cross.
Me: Jeesh, how long is this train?
—
Uber Driver: Shit!
Me: What happened?
Uber Driver: A camera caught me running a red light.
Me: Well, you can dispute it. We were already in the intersection.
Uber Driver: I know. That's why I looked directly at the camera.
My driver pulls down his sun visor to reveal another camera ticket.
Uber Driver: I still have to pay this one.
—
We stop for another train to cross.
My driver puts his car in park and steps out into a left turn lane to smoke a cigarette.
Five stars. 20% tip.
3
// Las Vegas, NV
A bearded, 20-something white dude in a camouflage racing cap picks me up. He is listening to country music in his car. I peg him as a Baked Alaska type, but then notice a tunnel in his right ear lobe and a rubber Star Wars bracelet on his right wrist.
A few minutes in to the ride, he switches from country music to Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You," and percusses along on the steering wheel. Whitney is followed by more female R&B.
4
// Chicago, IL
A 20-something Latino dude picks me up.
As I buckle up, he switches the audio playing in his car from hip hop to a radio broadcast of a Cubs game.
"You could have just left it on the hip hop station," I want to say. "I like hip hop…"
Maybe he wanted to listen to the Cubs game, though?
5
// Las Vegas, NV
Michelle and I sit down in the back row of our UberXL.
My butt feels peculiar.
Is this seat…?
Michelle freaks the fuck out—
Michelle: The seat is wet! The seat is wet!!! THE SEAT IS WET!!!!!!
—reacting as if Jason Voorhees is pursuing her.
"If it was bodily fluids, we would have smelled it," I want to tell her.
The previous passengers had come from a pool.