Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

18. Wu-Tang Trampoline (The Leftovers, S03E02)

Honourable Mention

  • Trog × My Way of Life" × The Doors' "The End" (Feud, S01E08)
  • The Ceremony (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E01)

Stray Observations

  • "You kids have a gurney?"
    "Oh, we just got rid of all our gurneys." (Bob's Burgers, S07E17)
  • "Maybe you shouldn't know too much going in. I think it'll be better that way."
    "Like the Iraq War." (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • "Oh, God… Everything hurts."
    "Just imagine yourself inside the planetarium having an amazing climax."
    "Gene, that's… Never mind." (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • "Planetariums are so stressful. Why didn't you warn us, Neil deGrasse Tyson?!" (Bob's Burgers, S07E18)
  • ♫: Perfect Strangers theme song (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • RT: The episode's script is credited to "Tha Lonely Donkey Kong & Specialist Contagious," which is what Tom Perrotta and Damon Lindelof got after they fed their names into a Wu-Tang name generator (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • "If you don't mind, I'm just gonna sit here and smoke my coping mechanism." (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • Mark Linn-Baker (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • ♫: Piano Perfect Strangers theme song (The Leftovers, S03E02)
  • Jack-o'-lantern footwear (The Last Man on Earth, S03E15)
  • "Hey, Tandy, soup's on. Tonight's special: Cream of your face."
    "Oh, really?! 'Cause I heard it was Todd-mato soup! Burn!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E15)
  • "[A] Donald Duck's a gay guy who's been kicked out of the Navy." (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • ♫: Papa Roach – "Last Resort" (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • Ed Chen with a lacrosse stick and Tom Brady jersey (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • ♫: DJ Shadow – "Systematic [feat. Nas]" (Silicon Valley, S04E01)
  • "Unlike small town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "And we need to tell them that the Kennedy library is a reference point, 'cause, you know, he was also a part-termer." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "Find me Mrs. Ryan."
    "Not my mom." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "That was a long one. She must be at a light." (Veep, S06E02)
  • "What am I supposed to do? Re-hire Frida Swahlo?" (Veep, S06E02)
  • "And that Jack Nicholson… Is he vaguely cross-eyed?" (Feud, S01E08)
  • "What kind of Medieval dental practice extracts six teeth without putting in implants?"
    "It's called 'The Buckle.' When you remove the back teeth, your cheeks curve in at a more elegant angle." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "Nothing good can come from comparing yourself." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "Let's order some guacamole." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I can't go to rehab. I can't! I've got the Dean Martin Roast!" (Feud, S01E08)
  • "No one was throwing gasoline on your resentments." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I spent my whole life being Joan Crawford, a woman I created for others. I don't know who I am when I'm by myself." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "I wish… I wish I'd been a friend to you." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "My mother always said, 'Don't say anything bad about the dead. Only say good.' Joan Crawford is dead. Good." (Feud, S01E08)
  • "She continued to smoke up to 100 cigarettes a day." (Feud, S01E08)
  • Feud Season Grade: B
  • Bates Motel Season Grade: C
  • ♫: Little Richard – "Hurry Sundown" (Better Call Saul, S03E03)
  • ♫: Todd Terje – "Alfonso Muskedunder" (Better Call Saul, S03E03)
  • "Amy's friend at HQ heard that maybe the Seven-Four was getting shut down instead."
    "There's no way that's true. Amy doesn't have a friend."
    "I do so! Although, I only see her at work events, and we only talk through e-mail. Oh God, she's just a colleague." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Hey, I know this is just a stolen bike case, but you know what we should do? Stand back-to-back with our guns drawn while we're surrounded by bad guys."
    "You know what I call that? The Man Sprinkler!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Never vacation in Banff." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Silk is for sex workers or musicians." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E15)
  • "Sexy is finding the thing that you hate most about yourself and then shoving it into somebody else's face until they think that you're okay with it."
    "Yeah, like Adrien Brody's noise."
    "I don't want Adrien Brody's nose for boobs."
    "Yeah, okay, well, I don't want my knees, but that's life." (The Mick, S01E16)
  • "Booby on the move, coming right your way." (The Mick, S01E16)
  • "Well, it seems we have a slow news day on our hands. CNN is just playing Death Becomes Her." (Great News, S01E02)
  • "Please, God, don't let me be a fucking moron." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E02)
  • ♫: "Don't You [Forget About Me]" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E02)
  • "No ice cream for you this month, young lady." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E03)
  • ♫: DaftBeatles – "Heart of Glass [Crabtree Remix]" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E03)
  • "You don't think J.J. has a right to run away?"
    "He has the same rights as anybody else. If he were any other teen, he'd be halfway to Provo by now. […] Provo?"
    "Runaway capital of the world." (Speechless, S01E20)
  • "I want a robe."
    "[…] What? Like a lady in a lotion commercial?"
    "No, like a boy in repose!" (Speechless, S01E20)
  • "You can do plenty on your own."
    "Oh, really? Name one other person like me who does."
    "Oh, please. I can think of someone right off the top of my head."
    "Look me in the eye and tell me it's not Wheels from—"
    "Yeah, no, it's Wheels from Burger King Kids Club. Okay, fine. Thank you, detective." (Speechless, S01E20)
  • Rashida Jones playing Tracee Ellis Ross' sister (Black-ish, S03E21)
  • "Southern Cal is the best school in the country, baby girl! Congratulations!"
    "Best school in the country? That's not even the best school in L.A." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "You're thinking about this going to college thing all wrong, son. You've got to make Zoey's education work for you. It's not about where she wants to go; it's about where you want to visit her." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "Hey! I'm walkin' here! We got the best pizza! Ahh, fuhgeddaboudit!"
    "Eyy! Lena Dunham's doing performance art down at the Brooklyn Academy of Music! Bada biiing!" (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "The only good thing to come out of Miami is an empty bus." (Black-ish, S03E22)
  • "You're the goddamn parking lot king of Minnesota." (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "Feminine hygiene deployed as a weapon?" (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "That's the last dime you're ever gonna see from the parking lot king of Minnesota." (Fargo, S03E02)
  • "The news now is pretty much anything that was on the internet yesterday." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "That ball cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery because it just got cattooed – Jim Brockmeower." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "Brockmire ASMR." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "Before we leave you, yet one more message from" (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "This is Ira Glass. He's the king dick of non-profit media." (Brockmire, S01E05)
  • "I can never unsee him naked."
    "I mean, the size of that thing."
    "Hollow that big bastard out, you could use it for an umbrella stand." (Archer, S04E08)
  • UCLA (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Even more blackface. Apparently, this is a thing that white children are into." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "You're not Rashida Jones bi-racial, you're Tracee Ellis Ross bi-racial. People think of you as black." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "He's literally Dap from School Daze, but darker, and you pass him up for Mackle-less?" (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Roland Martin was a mere two feet away, and we all know how he loves to blast people on Twitter. I'm still in therapy from the last time I was trending." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "I pledge allegiance to your cock." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Just because you got a black chick on your arm doesn't mean you get to Miley Cyrus our pain, a'ight?" (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "Nigga, I should hit you for thinking that I would hit you." (Dear White People, S01E01)
  • "You have a framed picture of Reagan in your dorm room."
    "You have a framed picture of Stacey Dash in yours. What's your point?"
    "It's not Stacey Dash! It's Dionne! Nothing after Clueless matters." (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "You should come, drink some Windex." (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • ♫: "Redbone" (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "Pastiche threw a blackface party over the weekend."
    "Like, Zoe Saldana or Al Jolson?" (Dear White People, S01E02)
  • "My girls and I are going to the Midsummer Night's Dream party."
    "Stop it. That thing where the freshman girls wander around outside waiting for a senior to date rape them?"
    "Waiting for a senior to kiss them. You're confusing it with the Taming of the Shrew party." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "Don't Assata Shakur me." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "I wanted an avant-garde look, like Solange. Something that says, 'I'm woke, but I'll also kick your ass in an elevator.'" (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "If you weren't legacy, you'd be a flight attendant on Spirit Airlines." (Dear White People, S01E04)
  • "Friends, in American popular culture, many black men seem obsessed with white girls. What is this about?"
    "Anal." (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "Ikumi, your new catch-all Asian friend." (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "You do realize all we do is complain about things. It is as though Americans would have no identity if not for their near-constant outrage. I know so much about what you don't like. What do you all like, eh?" (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • "Yeah, we're friends, but suddenly I'm supposed to give you nigga dispensation?" (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • Directed by Barry Jenkins (Dear White People, S01E05)
  • Ménage à trois callback (Dear White People, S01E06)
  • Reggie feeding Sam ramen (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • "Pinocchio! That was my favourite movie growing up."
    "What was the Kenyan version? [clicks tongue]"
    "No, it was called My Ancestors Were Smart Enough Not to Get Captured." (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • You Must Remember This (Dear White People, S01E07)
  • Bonr (Dear White People, S01E08)
  • "What's up, my nig?! Yeah… That's, that's too much." (Dear White People, S01E08)
  • "We'll both go to Columbia, of course, because we have to live in New York, and NYU is a joke." (Dear White People, S01E09)
  • "I can't believe I gave up my hair for you." (Dear White People, S01E09)
  • Dear White People Season Grade: B-

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Leftovers
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


No wolf like the present

Previously on Adam Riff™:
Apropos of nothing, I re-scored Westworld's opening credits with The Weeknd's "Starboy."

Apropos of nothing, I re-scored The Wire's opening credits with Ed Sheeran's "Shape of You":

I can no longer hear the words "what's it like to" without thinking of Review.

I am a man, Kurt! I am no garbage!

We were staying in Paris

If we go down, then we go down together
They'll say you could do anything
They'll say that I was clever
If we go down, then we go down together
We'll get away with everything

I like to think that this song is about card counters in Vegas.

Let's show them we are bettors

Curly-Haired Slacker

[browsing celebrity guests for this year's Silicon Valley Comic Con]

Pam Grier? The dude who played Mr. McFeely on Mister Rogers' Neighborhood?

Comic cons have become county fairs for actors.

There was an Asian girl on Stranger Things?

Who ARE these people? And why would anyone want to meet them?


Magic! had a number one single and can't even headline live entertainment at a marijuana convention.

Canna-cons have quietly become comic cons for reggae and rap artists.

So long as canna-cons exist, Bob Marley's grandchildren will never want for anything.

Oh, 311 is headlining Cannabis Cup Nor-Cal. Come original!

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. Pump Pump (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E14)

Honourable Mention

  • Piss Montage (Fargo, S03E01)

Stray Observations

RT: "Originally, we wanted to do an Anthony Bourdain balloon because of the idea that celebrity chefs had disappeared en masse. We got Bourdain's photo in the pilot, but [when he was approached about Season 3] Bourdain was like, 'No! No Bourdain balloon!'" (The Leftovers, S03E01)

  • RT: The blood squib when Dean dies is one of the biggest I've seen. (The Leftovers, S03E01)

(Veep, S06E01)

  • "Without him, we don't have a Chinaman's chance."
    "I'm sorry, Ben. Here at Uber and in the rest of the world, the word 'Chinaman' is considered inappropriate."
    "No no no, it's okay. My wife is Oriental. All of them have been. I kinda got yellow fev-ah." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "And that is why I am taking this opportunity to announce my charitable organization, the Meyer Fund for Adult Literacy."
    "Certainly a worthwhile cause, but if we could bring it back to Sherman Tanz—"
    "And AIDS."
    "Wow. AIDS."
    "Yes, AIDS. AIDS is a big part of the tapestry." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "I feel like we're celebrating my frat house gang rape, except I didn't even get a candlelight vigil."
    "I love candles." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "Son of a Sam. Offices in the South Bronx? I'm not the President of the Dominican Republic." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "The National Association for Transgender People would like to give you an award."
    "Oh. Well, that's nice. Tell them I accept. Them?"
    "It's 'her.'"
    "Him. I don't know. Tell the bearded ladies I'm coming." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "What's going on with the speeches?"
    "Let's see. We have the National Auto Dealers for $100,000."
    "You've gotta be kidding me. That's half of what Hughes gets. That is pure sexism. You call those people back and you tell them that I was the first female President of the United States and I will not work for less than 87 cents on the dollar." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "I am so sorry to hear about Uber."
    "Oh, God, a bunch of dumb-ass millennials, you know, too lazy to learn how to drive drunk." (Veep, S06E01)
  • "Shlomo Tanz is radioactive. He can read the newspaper on the toilet by the light of his own shit." (Veep, S06E01)
  • Plastic on hotel beds (Feud, S01E07)
  • "She's gassing us all with her VapoRub for show." (Feud, S01E07)
  • "I don't do bitches. They make me so unhappy. You should call my sister." (Feud, S01E07)
  • Coca-Cola photo-op (Feud, S01E07)
  • Flatline clock (24: Legacy, S01E12)
  • 24: Legacy Season Grade: D
  • Strowman binning Kalisto (WWE Raw, 04-17-17)
  • "She's like the Precious of Iraq." (Superior Donuts, S01E11)
  • "Can anything be too Ben Carson?" (Superior Donuts, S01E11)
  • "Death isn't about deserving. It's just part of the deal." (Bates Motel, S05E09)
  • "Cracker Barrel. It always helps to mention Cracker Barrel."
    "Well, I think it's great you let Margaret play inside. It's a hot one out there. I was thinking of going over to Cracker Barrel because they've got such great air conditioning." (Better Call Saul, S03E02)
  • "You sound like you're outdoors. Are you staying out of the sun? It's a hot one today. I'm sorry, but Jimmy is unavailable at the moment. If you'd like to leave a message, Mr. Ehrman…traut? Trout, like the fish? Uh, I hear Cracker Barrel has excellent air— This one really don't wanna talk about Cracker Barrel." (Better Call Saul, S03E02)
  • "Have you guys had the soup over at Cracker Barrel today?" (Better Call Saul, S03E02)
  • "Terry puts out." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E14)
  • "No matter what happens, we'll feel better knowing we didn't resort to blackmail."
    "I agree. From now on, the only black male I want anything to do with is you." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E14)
  • "White people love to shorten their names." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E20)
  • Helpful Ember-narrated previously-on (The Magicians, S02E13)
  • "I look like Jack Sparrow if he were played by a man." (The Magicians, S02E13)
  • ♫: Manchester String Quartet – "Best Day of My Life" (The Magicians, S02E13)
  • The Magicians Season Grade: C
  • "Where are you from?"
    "America…" (Fargo, S03E01)
  • Ashton belittling Vanck to the camera with Vanck next to her (The Amazing Race, S29E04)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Better Call Saul
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


24 Hour Revenge Therapy

This thing is the Vanna White of sports:

A pitch is literally surrounded by LED displays that can convey the same information – and more clearly.

When someone refers to a sports analyst as "Coach"…

NO! A coach is not a doctor! He hasn't coached in years! Or he failed as a coach! That's why he's analyzing a sport instead of, you know, coaching it!

Dodgeball 2 is set to reprise all of the original characters roles and is set 20 years after the original. [source]

D2 Dodgeball.

Ed looks like the Crypt Keeper, and James… Oh, James…

Eater's Digest: Las Vegas 4

Previously on Adam Riff™:

O.M.G. Burger (LVB Burgers)
duck burger stuffed with muenster cheese, smoked ketchup, heirloom tomato, watercress, roasted duck mayo
—Where I began to wonder if I actually love duck, or if I just love Peking duck.

March 2017
morimoto / sugarcane / the buffet at wynn / beauty and essex / the buffet at bellagio / chengdu taste / royce' / sugarcane / the buffet at wynn / yonaka modern japanese / shang artisan noodle / sweets raku / wicked spoon buffet / naked city tavern / bacchanal buffet / sugarcane / bacchanal buffet / tacos el gordo / sushisamba / the buffet at wynn

Ichigo (Sweets Raku)
balloon-shaped thin white chocolate cup filled with pie crust and strawberry mousse, served with strawberry candy filled with strawberry sorbet and condensed milk mousse

^ Standing fuckin' ovation. I was delighted to discover sorbet inside the candy strawberry.

Angel Cream (Sweets Raku)
fromage blanc mousse and pear mousse with earl grey cookies and dark chocolate

Hamachi Tacos (Morimoto)
yuzu kosho, avocado, lime

Petite crunchy raw fish tacos are ubiquitous in Vegas – and I will always order them.

Another trend: Beef cocktails.

Wagyu Manhattan (Morimoto)
iwai whisky, melted wagyu lard, walnut liquor, walnut bitters, burnt orange peel

Wagyu Manhattan (Sugarcane)
wagyu-infused iwai japanese whisky, walnut bitters

Wagyu Old Fashioned (Sushisamba)
japanese whisky treated to a wash of the highest-grade wagyu before being stirred with maple and salted caramel

A barman at (Morimoto) explaining its drink menu: "We have blah blah blah blah blah…and Moromito beers."

Toro Tartare (Morimoto)
wasabi, nori paste, sour cream, sturgeon caviar

^ A clunky deconstruction. My server explaining it: "Toro with blah blah blah blah blah…and Morimoto guacamole."

Tuna Pizza (Morimoto)
anchovy aioli, olives, jalapeno

^ Barman: "As seen on the cover of Morimoto's cookbook." "Are staff paid by how many times they say 'Morimoto'?" I wondered.

Duck Duck Goose (Morimoto)
duck meatball soup, duck confit fried rice, gooseberry compote

^ Rekindled my love of duck. The soup is potent.


(Naked City Tavern) is a smoky, skeezy off-Strip pub that serves some of the most interesting food in Vegas.

Crawfish "Popcorn" (Naked City Tavern)
crispy crawfish tails, butter dust, naked city seven pepper hot sauce

Duck Confit Lasagna (Naked City Tavern)
in-house noodles, duck-laced ragu, fresh mozzarella, pecorino, sweet basil

Bacon Candle (Naked City Tavern)
a square of solidified pork fat with a wick surrounded by a ring of sweet balsamic reduction, two high-end salts, and both bacon and basil powder

I saw a sign outside (Harrah's) promoting a "Bizzurger."

I thought it was white people being lame, but upon closer inspection, it's a burger with pizzas as its buns.

Design Firm: Oh shit! Sbarro's rebrand is due today!

(Miracle Mile Shops)

(Beauty and Essex) is, of course, Chopped judge Chris Santos' chain of restaurants hidden inside pawn shops.

Grilled Cheese, Smoked Bacon, and Tomato Soup Dumplings (Beauty and Essex)

Hand Cut Steak Tartare (Beauty and Essex)
crispy mustard and chive sticky rice cake
—Damn, I love raw proteins served in/on crispy carbs.

"Fish and Chips" Tacos (Beauty and Essex)
beer-battered chilean sea bass, chile-lime slaw, crispy matchstick potatoes

^ The crispy matchstick potatoes are wholly unnecessary, but welcome.

Peanut Butter Pie Sundae (Beauty and Essex)
peanut butter ice cream, chocolate sauce, chocolate chunks, crushed pretzels

^ Vegas Seven named it the best dessert in Vegas. Ehh…

Nutella Sundae (Sugarcane)
nutella ice cream, nutella hazelnut brownie, cracker jacks

^ Nutella ice cream doesn't taste like anything. Nutella isn't good diluted.

Torrejas (Sugarcane)
caramelized apples, maple butter, cinnamon ice cream

^ Oversold to me [it's French toast], but I lapped up every drop of the melted maple butter.

Goat Cheese Croquettes (Sugarcane)
membrillo marmalade

Foie Gras Bastilla (Sugarcane)
pistachio duck leg confit, golden raisin puree

Fat Duck Makimono (Yonaka Modern Japanese)
crispy foie gras, eel, gruyere, bacon, avocado, foie gras caramel, spicy aioli

^ Perplexing sushi. Liver, eel, gruyere, avocado… The crispy foie gras is a garnish?! And the bacon, or what I assume was bacon, was jerky tough.

Chicken Sesame Cold Noodle (Shang Artisan Noodle)
shredded chicken breast, sesame sauce, veggies
—The one time I find this dish on a menu, it's bland.

Boiled Fish with Green Pepper Sauce (Chengdu Taste)

^ If water-boiled fish made with red peppers is a show-er, then this green chili counterpart is a grower. You don't realize how spicy the fish is until your tongue is numb.

Toothpick Lamb with Cumin (Chengdu Taste)

^ You can't go wrong with lamb and cumin. Individually skewering chunks of lamb seems like a waste of toothpicks, though.


Mt. Fuji (Andrea's)

"Pan con Chocolate" (Jaleo)
chocolate custard with caramelized bread, olive oil, and brioche ice cream

"Gin and Tonic" (Jaleo)
gin and tonic sorbet, fizzy tonic "espuma," lemon, and aromatics

Guava Chiffon Pancakes (Cinnamon's Restaurant)

Cookie Dough Baked Alaska (Cut)
baileys, milk chocolate ganache, espresso salt

Graham Central Station Ice Cream (Handel's Homemade Ice Cream and Yogurt)
graham cracker-flavoured ice cream with graham ripple and chocolate-covered honeycomb crunch

Yellowtail "Pastrami" (Morimoto)
togarashi, gin creme fraiche, candied olive, morimoto grapeseed oil


Fiery Salty Caramel Chocolate Tarte (Morimoto)
dark chocolate sorbet, marshmallow, salty caramel ganache, spiced rum


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

16. Braun Strowman savagely attacks Roman Reigns (WWE Raw, 04-10-17)

Honourable Mention

  • Downriver Ale / Little Caesars / Chrysler Pacifica ads (Detroiters, S01E10)

Stray Observations

  • Homeland Season Grade: D
  • John Waters as William Castle (Feud, S01E06)
  • "Does the syntax concern anyone else here at the table?" (Feud, S01E06)
  • "I don't know how to be alone."
    "We'll be alone together." (Feud, S01E06)
  • "It's Louisiana. Everything has the sweet smell of rot." (Feud, S01E06)
  • "It's our burden, except we don't get a hashtag." (American Crime, S03E05)
  • "You're dancing with a hot chick under protest." (Crashing, S01E08)
  • "It's like Jambi's house." (Crashing, S01E08)
  • "Don't each french fries with your foot." (Crashing, S01E08)
  • Crashing Season Grade: C-
  • "Pull yourself together and go out there and make Teddy feel like he's the most interesting man on Earth. I want him to think he's Andy Borowitz when this is all done." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E13)

(Fresh Off the Boat, S03E19)

  • ♫: Peter Gabriel – "Lay Your Hands on Me" (The Americans, S05E06)
  • Al Borland (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • "Rick Mahorn from the Pistons has a car dealership? I did not know that." (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • "Bicken Bones." (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • Rick Mahorn acting (Detroiters, S01E10)
  • Detroiters Season Grade: C+
  • "There was a great king on Earth who had a philosophy: Hakuna matata." (The Magicians, S02E12)
  • ♫: Migos – "Handsome and Wealthy" (The Magicians, S02E12)
  • "Welcome to Vancouver" (The Magicians, S02E12)

(Archer, S08E02)

  • "Honor is very important to my people."
    "The Japanese."
    "No, pitchers."
    "It's offensive to my people."
    "The Japanese."
    "No, Free Masons. I am a man who wears many hats." (Brockmire, S01E03)
  • "Co-exist." (Powerless, S01E08)
  • "Archie, as my blood brother, it was your sole responsibility to ensure that something like this never happened on my birthday. Now we're here, in the middle of a Seth Rogen movie." (Riverdale, S01E10)
  • Molly Ringwald (Riverdale, S01E10)
  • "QR codes are the herpes of mobile technology." (Shark Tank, S08E21)
  • Pepsi ad director continuity (Saturday Night Live, S42E18)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Hold My Beer

Previously on Adam Riff™ (July 2008):

Apparently [Tony] Jaa walked off the set [of Ong Bak 2] two months ago, stressed over the work load of his directorial debut.

Some reports say that Jaa has retreated to some remote caves in northern Thailand to meditate and / or practice black magic.

In 2010, Tony Jaa rode an elephant to a Buddhist temple in Surin, Thailand, where he shaved his head, took vows, and was officially ordained as a Buddhist monk.

In 2017, Tony Jaa is pursuing pop stardom:

Jackie Chan is a pop star.

Idea: A musical starring a bunch of action stars. Bruce Willis sings. Steven Seagal sings.

Fast and Fortissimo. Vin Diesel sings. The Rock sings. Tyrese.

Starring Wesley Snipes, Anne Heche, WWE superstar Seth Rollins, and Gene Simmons

Someone is killing contenders for a college scholarship!

New Wave, cold-filtered, low-calorie dry

Raisins is Hooters. Mister Jiu's is Chinese. Why not use City Wok?

And how can you approximate South Park in San Francisco without a pop-up Vernacular? Or Seinfeld in San Francisco without a non-fat yogurt shop?

Turn Raisins into the Chinese Restaurant.

Seinfeld vending machine: Junior Mints, Pez, Snickers packaged with a disposable knife and fork, Chunkys, Drake's Coffee Cakes, Jujyfruits…

Diet Coke? No, that's Friends.

Gosu's unusual combination was inspired by Tran's high-school passions: bubble tea and EDM.

The full menu will feature quirky eats like fruit sushi, bacon-wrapped avocado fries, and mini octopus corn dogs.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. Roadblock: Shamir's Testicles (The Amazing Race, S29E02)

Stray Observations

  • "I lost the year 1996 to schnapps. I still don't know what the Macarena is." (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "It's definitely not a him because it has babies."
    "Oh, a gay raccoon can't have babies?"
    "Oh, I dunno, I guess he could adopt or have a surrogate." (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "It has three black rings on its tail and its ear kinda has a notch in it."
    "A gauge? Has that reached the raccoon community?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E16)
  • "Oh, hey, I got you something too. Turn it upside down. Her clothes come off."
    "Wait, why would you think I'd be into this?"
    "Oh, I bought a white woman 'cause I just didn't want to assume…" (Making History, S01E05)
  • ♫: "Ants Marching" (Making History, S01E05)
  • "It appears we're dealing with a deaf, or, like, a Nell." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • "LaFontaines are notorious bullies." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • Hot tub sundae (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • "I'm bending over backwards for this kid, pulling out all the stops, but he's just acting like a real LaFontaine." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E14)
  • The Walking Dead Season Grade: D-
  • "My Joan is faaar worse than your Joan." (Feud, S01E05)
  • "Hypocrisy is the tribute vice must pay to virtue." (Feud, S01E05)
  • "You don't have to use your own dick for dick pics. You just Google 'picture of dick.' Gotta make sure it looks enough like your dick, because you don't want your dick pic to write a check that your real dick can't cash. You want to see the dick I use? It might be able to work for both of us. I have an Indian friend who uses a picture of my actual dick."
    "I don't want to use your dick." (Crashing, S01E07)
  • Miranda Otto outrunning fire (24: Legacy, S01E10)
  • "I couldn't find your trash bin, so I threw it away in the toilet."
    "What'd you throw in the toilet?"
    "The, uhh, salami from the fridge."
    "I didn't flush it, so you're gonna have a bunch of salami floating around in your toilet bowl."
    "What?" (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "Children's literature just got a brand new daddy." (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "I published the entire Bitch Witch series: Bitch Witch Christmas, Bitch Witch Prom Night, and Bitch Witches of Rhode Island. (New Girl, S06E22)
  • "Wanna hear some music?"
    "Sure, yeah, that could be inspiring."
    [sings "Hot Cross Buns"] (New Girl, S06E22)
  • New Girl Season Grade: C
  • "It's like a sweatier, more violent Melrose Place."
    "Those are my only two criticisms of Melrose Place." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E18)
  • "Do you want to hear about Lotus 1-2-3?" (The Americans, S05E05)
  • Kevin Nash (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "Husky Boys: Chode style." (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "To our mouths and buttholes, may they never meet." (Detroiters, S01E09)
  • "No, no no no no. Don't check a man's search history." (Speechless, S01E19)
  • "Ma'am, my name is Ahmad Rashad, and your hand is on my penis." (Black-ish, S03E20)
  • "Speak any German?"
    "You know, 'don't shoot,' 'I surrender,' 'Hitler's the tops,' stuff like that." (Archer, S08E01)
  • Wine for cats and dogs (Shark Tank, S08E20)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Pyrrhic Victory

Shit, it's April 6? I've celebrated it incorrectly this whole time? [grumbling]

Eight years ago TODAY, I launched The Agony of Defeat on a whim, and over 10,000 posts and a stint contributing to's Page 2 later, I'm throwing in the towel.

It began with CC Sabathia and ends with Masahiro Tanaka.

I persist on Tumblr at WankerCounty.

Cannibal hymns of the bourgeoisie

This is Coachella?

Five Victoria's Secret Angels will be hosting a private bash, complete with beauty stations. The event is over at 6 p.m., which gives guests plenty of time to hit the Polo Fields for Radiohead's performance.

Pool float maker Funboy, the celeb-favorite brand responsible for the Taylor Swift-approved inflatable swans, has partnered with Smashbox Cosmetics to host a pool party. Funboy has created a special collection of metallic lip floats in honor of Smashbox's new Metallic Lip Glosses.

Galore magazine and dating app Grindr have joined forces to bring festival goers Queens of the Desert, a daytime party with DJ sets by actress Taryn Manning (Orange Is the New Black) and Kylie Jenner's BFF Jordyn Woods.

Once again, Revolve will host the #RevolveFestival, a day party filled with brand activations, special guests and performances.

Dating and "social discovery" app Bumble has tapped Kendall and Kylie Jenner as the hosts of its Winter Bumbleland event. The two-day soiree is "Aspen Chic meets Desert Heat"-themed, complete with an ice bar, a glacier pool, a snow angel garden and winter tubing.

The American Express Platinum House will feature all the comforts of L.A. (think: Soul Cycle classes taught by founding senior instructor Stacey Griffith).

Day two of The Hyde Away will feature poolside DJ sets from Joe Jonas and Giorgio Moroder as well as food by Umami Burger.

Katy Perry is hosting an Easter Day "recovery" brunch complete with vitamin elixirs, an oxygen bar and reflexology massages. The Katy Perry Footwear collection will be on display, and Cover Girl will host an Easter egg hunt set to the tune of DJ sets by Mia Moretti and Balthazar Getty.

CannaSpa at Coachella, Cannabis & Culinary's wellness and lifestyle event which promotes cannabis-infused foods and services like yoga and art, is bringing Chef for Higher for a "dope" four-course dinner party.

The Boys of Summer

Zach Braff directed this?!

It's the third film in both Morgan Freeman and Zach Braff's "aging" trilogies.

Adam Sandler's third film (of eight!) for Netflix drops next week.

Can it top the 0% and 5% Rotten Tomatoes ratings for his previous two films (both for Netflix)?

Can you name his previous two films?

What a life. Netflix pays him tens of millions of dollars to fuck around with his friends.

I wonder what Val Kilmer is up to.


"The speed limit is 45."

Huh. My rental van informs me when I'm speeding.

Back from Los Angeles, where I stayed an an AirBNB owned by the director of Dee Snider's Strangeland.

[googles closest petrol station to rental car return]

TMP Gas. 1.6 out of five stars. Hmm…

"Good snack place but the gas is always 2 dollars more then [sic] regular price."

Ehh, work is paying for it, and I don't want to risk being charged for not returning the van with a full tank.

I stop at TMP Gas, swipe a credit card, insert a nozzle, and—

$4.89 a gallon?! For 87?!

I expected marked-up petrol, but… That Google reviewer was not exaggerating.

Guh. No time to drive elsewhere. I have to flight to catch.

[as petrol pumps] Please don't total more than the $55 the rental car company offered for returning low, please don't total more than $55…