Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

13. Matt and Jay try to turn a hostage situation into a chance to play the Rivoli (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Montage of their animosity toward one another (Feud, S01E03)
  • Lavar Ball interview (First Take, 03-23-17)

Stray Observations

  • "Wait, is that…? This is your mom too? Are we sisters?" (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "I can't get through to Tina, but you know what can? Some strong heroine." (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "So, in conclusion, outer space, determination, and karate." (Bob's Burgers, S07E13)
  • "Clear eyes, full hearts, I'm Cher." (Making History, S01E03)
  • Deb eating a coaster (Making History, S01E03)
  • "I've been drinking my own breast water to survive." (Making History, S01E03)
  • "M and M?"
    "That year, from here to here, I spent smoking meth and masturbating." (Homeland, S06E09)
  • "Hey, I think she's trying to say something."
    "Wine! She needs wine!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Hey, it's Henry Wadsworth Long-mellow! […] Mellow-nor Roosevelt, out." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "By the way, my penis is waaay larger than one sixth of an inch. Well, larger than one sixth of an inch." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Ahh… Whites." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)
  • "Jiminy Glick." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E12)

(Feud, S01E03)

  • "You said he was from Broadway. He's not. I checked. All his stage work is from San Diego."
    "Yeah, the Old Globe. He's a distinguished Shakespearean actor."
    "Oh, I'm sure his Falstaff is the talk of Tijuana." (Feud, S01E03)
  • "And it was Gloria Swanson who was robbed in 1950, not yooUUU, bitch!" (Feud, S01E03)
  • "Women outlive men; children leave. Best get used to it."
    "Oh, Mamacita, how I love your Teutonic pragmatism." (Feud, S01E03)
  • Bette ashing her cigarette in the Pepsi machine (Feud, S01E03)
  • "You're like his white magical negro." (Superior Donuts, S01E08)
  • Gangsters vs. terrorists (24: Legacy, S01E08)
  • Rihanna (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Carlton Cuse (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Norman in a gay bar (Bates Motel, S05E05)
  • Martha (The Americans, S05E03)
  • "Should we tell Paige about this?" (The Americans, S05E03)
  • "Can I start you gentlemen with something to drink?"
    "I'm good with just water."
    "You sure? The bar has everything."
    "Oh, no, no thanks. I don't drink."
    "I'll have a double bourbon and a Vernors."
    "I'll have a giant glass boot filled with beer."
    "I'm sorry, we don't have that."
    "Well, then your bar doesn't have everything." (Detroiters, S01E07)

(Detroiters, S01E07)

  • "Boys, would you like to hear the world's saddest nine-word novel? 'For sale: Shoes for two inflatable pre-teens. Never used." (Detroiters, S01E07)
  • "I think this is a tad redundant."
    "For werewolves."
    "Okay, technically, I have sexually-transmitted lycanthropy." (The Magicians, S02E09)
  • Les Misérables (The Magicians, S02E09)
  • Professor X's wheelchair (Legion, S01E07)
  • "And you're…British?"
    "Like I said, I'm your rational mind." (Legion, S01E07)
  • "Is that supposed to be a British accent?" (Legion, S01E07)

(Legion, S01E07)

(Legion, S01E07)

(Legion, S01E07)

  • Oliver and his Martinis (Legion, S01E07)
  • ♫: The Grassy Knoll – "Art of Fear [feat. Vernon Reid, Brad Houser, and Adam Sultan]" (Legion, S01E07)
  • "I'm second-lead clown in a Russian circus." (Baskets, S02E10)
  • "Communist poodles? How'd they get in the country?" (Baskets, S02E10)
  • "You want to eat at Planet Hollywood, huh? With Arnold Schwarzenegger? Steven Seagal? You know what? You're fired, or whatever your new president says." (Baskets, S02E10)
  • Baskets Season Grade: A-

(Review, S03E02)

  • "I had no idea what you said about me during my murder trial until I took off my Helkelmet [my Helen Keller helmet]." (Review, S03E02)
  • "You used to do things because you wanted to do them, not because, 'Ohh, a stranger said I should take my dick out and walk all over my ex-wife's front lawn.'"
    "Okay, that was not the review requests. I was living my dream." (Review, S03E02)
  • Dog Day Afternoon (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Pull out the gun, and go, 'And his name is John Cena!'"
    "You can't just pull out a gun and yell 'John Cena.' The plan is good enough. We don't need to add a John Cena part to everything."
    "It's a John Cena element." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Is this guy black too? Nooo! This is so terrible. Oh, no, okay. No, this guy's white. Okay, they're a mixed gang. This is actually kind of nice. They must have been very good buddies. Maybe they all went to, like, uhh, art school together." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • [watching The Negotiator] "Very fuckable film." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • "Back once again with the renegade masters." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E08)
  • Nirvanna the Band the Show Season Grade: B+

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Oh, that rad-sounding miniature golf jawn that Adam Robot told me lives. I had resigned myself to never experiencing it. A trip to Seattle is in order.

Oh. It ends this Sunday.

Yes, this will be the last Smash Putt! [source]


Goon 2?

Oh, it opened in Canadian cinemas last weekend.

Okay, I need to be in Los Angeles on Sunday. Seattle on Friday, Vancouver on Saturday…? [checks rewards miles]

Tony Fader Is My Hero 8


It seems the "half" in this one is a girl, and the cop is Lou Diamond Phillips.

A proper sequel would be…Two Cops?

Cop and a Has-been.

The baby/little lady in Three Men and a Baby/Little Lady would be in her early 30s now.

Three Men and a Bride, obviously.

She dies in a freak accident and is survived by One Man and Three Babies.

Three Urns and an Octogenarian.

Problem Child 4.

More Life

Pretend that it's a fortnight ago.

// Las Vegas, NV

Each of the 10 pools at The Venetian and The Palazzo provides a distinct experience, perfect for fun or relaxation.

Work out the kinks and maintain body tone by swimming a few laps in the Vita Pool. Reserved for lap swimming all day, Mondays – Thursdays and from 8 to 11 a.m., Fridays – Sundays. [source]

This pool is never open.

If you don't want to staff every pool during off-peak months, post a sign that reads "no lifeguard on duty" like my gym does, and my gym's pool is deeper than any pool on this deck.

$10 million for a defective chair?!

I want a T-shirt with this slot machine header on it:

Slot machine streetwear.

A Supreme slot machine.

Idea: Casino Decathlon.

In this order:
Pai Gow
Casino War
Slot Machine
Texas Hold'em Poker

The contestant with the most money at the end wins.

Sports bets must be on sporting events happening that day.

You have one hour and $1000 to play each of the first nine games, and $1000 plus whatever the $9000 became to play Texas Hold'em. Texas Hold'em is last so you can all-in a comeback.

You can play each game for as long as you want, so long as you play at least $500.

On hold with my hotel's concierge after sending out a shirt to be laundered with $3000 in its pocket:

"Each suite features an Italian marble bathroom…"

And a plastic bathtub.

Most oppressively odoriferous casinos on the Strip:
5. The Cosmopolitan
4. The Linq
3. Casino Royale
2. Harrah's
1. Flamingo

During an uberX ride, my driver told me that he hung out with Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott at the Pac-12 Tournament. They grew up together.

How are you an uberX driver? Were you injured in a hotel?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

12. Feeling Good (Legion, S01E06)

Stray Observations

  • "If you thought nougat likes lots of humidity, you'd be wrong, dead wrong." (Bob's Burgers, S07E12)
  • "Well, nowadays, business isn't done in offices. Business is done walking really fast down long hallways and at urinals. Haven't you seen Entourage?"
    "Is it a show about people peeing and getting stuff done?"
    "Yeah, more or less." (Bob's Burgers, S07E12)
  • "After seeing that Peppermint Patricia wrapper…" (Making History, S01E02)
  • "I don't want to have this conversation in front of the guns." (Making History, S01E02)
  • "We got an airplane. If we didn't have tiny bottles, we'd be giant buttholes." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)
  • RT: The full list of celebrities Tandy lists in his toast, pump-up speech, and eulogy: Galileo, Sir Isaac Newton, Thomas Alva Edison, Doug Henning, Pelé, Peter Frampton, Jonas Salk, Lena Dunham, Shel Silverstein, Kenny Loggins, George Washington Carver, Nelson Mandela, Jim Henson, Hamilton, the guy who did Hamilton, Neil Armstrong, Johnny Appleseed, SEAL Team Six, Ryan Lochte [before Rio]. (The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)
  • Todd's somber rendition of "Fly" by Sugar Ray (The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)

(The Last Man on Earth, S03E11)

  • "There's no good way to tell people you haven't seen The Wire." (Crashing, S01E04)
  • "How, specifically, would you handle your business?"
    "I'd get mine. Set it off. Be a man. Man up. You know, represent, man. You gotta flip the switch, man. You gotta light it up."
    "Sorry, a lot of these sound like lyrics from the album Willennium." (Crashing, S01E04)
  • "How dare you mention Pepsi. Unlike you, it's good and pure." (Feud, S01E02)
  • "Women will do what they always do when they're cornered – eat their own and pick their teeth with the bones." (Feud, S01E02)
  • TONY ALMEIDA BYKE (24: Legacy, S01E07)
  • ♫: Alana Yorke – "Anthem" (Bates Motel, S05E04)
  • "And I read that authors should all have a strong look, so I found four authors with strong looks and I combined them. Tom Wolfe? White suit. Hunter S. Thompson? Yellow sunglasses. David Foster Wallace? Bandana. Toni Morrison? The Presidential Medal of Freedom." (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "Guess who has two dressers."
    "Rip Torn."
    "No, me."
    "I mean, you and Rip Torn."
    "Stop talking about Rip Torn." (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "I almost hit you with this brushed steel modern lamp." (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "She's your girlfriend. I'm your good friend. She should get to make you sheet cake."
    "That makes sense. I just need to make something clear between us if that's okay. You're saying 'sheet' like 'ghost clothes,' not like 'in a toilet,' right?" (New Girl, S06E19)
  • "The Asian Flush." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E17)
  • Jeremy Lin, Ming-Na Wen, Ali Wong (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E17)
  • Bennigan's (The Americans, S05E02)
  • "Campbell's Soup: 'It's just wet ass food.'" (Detroiters, S01E06)

"We've never been on the cover of a magazine…"
"Well, Chubby Buddies…"

(Detroiters, S01E06)

  • "Spirit Airlines: 'Dying while flying.'" (Detroiters, S01E06)
  • "Bologna: 'Because it's all the meats.'" (Detroiters, S01E06)
  • "Paella only has…22 ingredients?! What does it do? Summon a genie?" (Speechless, S01E18)
  • "Stop singing Imagine Dragons to get me off the track." (The Magicians, S02E08)
  • "You think that I stole something?"
    "Can you believe that, Vivian? Doesn't it just make [pulls out phone] you want to pout?" (Black-ish, S03E18)
  • "Okay, look, black nanny is not a thief."
    "It's Vivian."
    "Please, black nanny, I'm defending you." (Black-ish, S03E18)
  • "Such a sweet little baby, and me, your very own walking, talking fungus." (Legion, S01E06)
  • Craig Kilborn (Workaholics, S07E10)
  • ♫: Asher Roth – "I Love College" (Workaholics, S07E10)
  • "This right here I don't understand. Why am I not the guy in the chair?"
    "Adam, that's not how a bar mitzvah works."
    "I thought I was DJ-ing at a sports bar called 'Bar Mitt Fuzz.' It's a bar mitt and there's fuzz in it." (Workaholics, S07E10)
  • Workaholics Season Grade: D-
  • "Two Boones for one dollar?" (Baskets, S02E09)
  • "We'll have one cup of liquid cheese and an application, please." (Baskets, S02E09)
  • "If somebody gave you a Quiznos franchise, you'd run it into the ground." (Baskets, S02E09)
  • "Suze Orman is not a bitch." (Baskets, S02E09)
  • My Dinner with Andre (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E07)
  • "I don't need any more noodles."
    "But I do, so fuck him and fuck you too. [pause] Eminem." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E07)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Dubious Food



Genius quietly laid off a bunch of its engineers — now can it survive as a media company?

Co-founder Tom Lehman told employees that Genius planned to shift its emphasis away from the annotation platform in favor of becoming a more video-focused media company.

"Video makes it a little bit more accessible," he said. "I love the Genius website. But it can be a little frustrating to use. You have to be really, really dedicated to learn everything about a song on Genius. You've got to be down to click and read a lot."

Last week, Genius posted a video about rapper Lil Yachty learning how to make pizza.


No Frauds

Previously on Adam Riff™ (March 2007):

Snow and the Seven (2008)

An English princess finds herself in need of protection while traveling in late 19th century China. Seven Shaolin monks come to her aid, each with a trait of a dwarf in Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Michael Chabon? wrote the screenplay. Yuen Woo-Ping will direct.

Woo-Ping is looking to make Snow and the Seven the Ocean's Eleven of martial arts movies.

Well, that didn't happen, but this might:

Ong Bak star Tony Jaa, The Raid breakout Iko Uwais and Tiger Chen (Man of Tai Chi) will square off against Scott Adkins (Zero Dark Thirty), UFC middleweight champ Michael Bisping and action movie vet Michael Jai White in Triple Threat.

The trio were to have starred in a different film, also titled Triple Threat, but that fell apart last year.

Asian actors Jaa, Uwais and Chen are the protagonists, while American thespians Adkins, Bisping and White are the villains. [source]

Two out of three on both sides.

I like Tiger Chen, but did Donnie Yen pass?

And Bisping's spot should've gone to Mark Dacascos. Still time to replace him.

Triple Threat 2: Fatal 4-Way.
Triple Threat 3: Survivor Series.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

11. CGI Deer (The Walking Dead, S07E12)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "She loves revenge – revenge and shrimp." (Bob's Burgers, S07E11)
  • "Try something from a movie."
    "It's Friday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got nothing to do."
    "A white movie."
    "Show me the money." (Making History, S01E01)
  • "Thank you for what? All that's happened is I've puked, I had an axe thrown at my head, I was treated like a slave, and I drank John Hancock's urine! He is my idol, Dan! My number one! And I drank the pee of the man who is my number one!"
    "Well, I don't think it was just John Hancock's, FYI. I think everyone had a squeeze." (Making History, S01E01)
  • "I'm making you that soup…in my heart." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E10)
  • "You're a cat person that eats dog food, and I'm a dog person that eats cat food. I guess we're more alike than I thought." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E10)
  • "What are you selling the couch for?"
    "I don't know. Like, $150?"
    "$150? Are you shitting me? Jess, that's not CB2. That's Crate and Barrel. That's CB1, okay? It came assembled." (Crashing, S01E03)
  • Plastic-covered furniture (Feud, S01E01)
  • "Everything written for women seem to fall into just three categories: Ingénues, mothers, or Gorgons." (Feud, S01E01)
  • "I need a lunch thing." (Feud, S01E01)
  • "Fish Jell-O. Goodie." (Feud, S01E01)
  • "That poor masseuse. Touching Arthur's feet is what they call a 'sad ending.'" (Superior Donuts, S01E06)
  • Dan and Melissa's fight on The Real World: Miami (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E16)
  • Biggie storyline timing (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E16)
  • Lotta digging (The Americans, S05E01)
  • "You're cooler than either of my moms. I'd tell them, but they're at Coachella."
    "Did you hear that, Dylan? I'm cooler than Coachella lesbians." (Speechless, S01E17)
  • "Why are the DeBarges the new face of Boxable?"
    "Oh, I'll tell you why – 'cause our boy Dre here's colorstruck. He's got that beige rage." (Black-ish, S03E17)
  • "All right, so we got, uh, four black coffees and one iced caramel macchiato with extra cream."
    "Extra cream."
    "It's the Michael Jackson of coffees." (Black-ish, S03E17)
  • "Is that the guy that is the captain now?" (Black-ish, S03E17)
  • "Dre, this was supposed to be your Do the Right Thing, but it is your Chi-Raq." (Black-ish, S03E17)
  • Silence (Legion, S01E05)
  • When Cary falls prey to the muting spell that's hit the rest of the group (Legion, S01E05)
  • It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season Grade: C+
  • Man Seeking Woman Season Grade: C
  • "You know, I built you up too much in my head. I did the same thing with the Hobbit movies."
    "I am not the Hobbit movies."
    "That sounds like something a Hobbit movie would say." (Powerless, S01E05)
  • "Hey, loser, you want to go out with me?"
    "No. Why would you think that?"
    "Uhh, because I've been negging you hard. All of Reddit said this would work." (Powerless, S01E05)
  • Monogrammed Quiznos jacket (Baskets, S02E08)
  • "I'm sorry I put the Chemical brothers in a headlock, made them kiss each other, say 'I love you,' and then I buhshed their heads together."
    "I can't believe we almost let the Chemical Brothers come between us." (Baskets, S02E08)
  • Whiskey salad: Apples, oranges, marshmallows, whiskey, one raisin. (Baskets, S02E08)
  • Portlandia Season Grade: C-
  • Lost ending (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E06)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


The ceiling is the roof

// Las Vegas, NV

I saw this on my flight to Vegas:

He'd been unable to find a Taiwanese barbecue sauce near Burbank? Has he never heard of the San Gabriel Valley – or the internet?

"Maybe they'll have it in a city that's 3.2% Asian!"

I saw this while flipping through "the luxury lifestyle magazine of the Venetian and the Palazzo":

Sheldon Adelson straight jacked a Vegas competitor.

Caesars Entertainment gotta build Venice Atlantic City in response.

Trivia Question Idea: How many replicas of the Eiffel Tower/Statue of Liberty exist?

The Palazzo has neither a fourth floor nor a 13th floor – nor a 14th floor that's actually the 13th floor.

I'll be in Vegas for the second night of the Pac-12 Tournament, and I'm considering purchasing tickets to see my UCLA Bruins.

For some reason, I can't access SeatGeek via my hotel's wi-fi.

I can access SeatGeek via my mobile's LTE, and I can access StubHub via my hotel's wi-fi, but I can't access SeatGeek via my hotel's wi-fi.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

10. Oliver (Legion, S01E04)

Honourable Mention

  • Tandem fight (Legion, S01E04)
  • Entourage opening credits (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E05)

Stray Observations

  • "I'm not lawful, neutral, or chaotic – none of the above." (The Walking Dead, S07E11)
  • "A man without faith is dangerous." (24: Legacy, S01E05)
  • Norman in full Norma drag (Bates Motel, S05E02)
  • "You look really good in that dress, by the way."
    "Thanks. It's breezy on my vagina." (The Mick, S01E11)
  • "The world is a dangerous place. Nobody's safe. It does not take a little boy in a dress to molest your daughter. I use the girls' room. I could easily molest her anytime I want." (The Mick, S01E11)
  • "Purple horseshoe?! Is this some kind of a political thing?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "Why would she put dirty plates in the drying rack?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "If you weren't stealing, then why was this tucked into your waistband?"
    "Because my pockets were full of Runts candy."
    "Okay, let's see this candy."
    "I ate it on the way over here. That's what they're for. They're my traveling Runts."
    "You even ate the bananas. Yeah, right." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "I took the fall for him. I mean, what's another papaya on my rap sheet?"
    "You mean you sat and watched me eat your Irish elf cereal just so your little brother wouldn't get into trouble?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "Eddie, there's something called a 'white lie,' and that is a lie that protects you from all the things that make white people soft." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E15)
  • "You are simply somebody's meat, boy." (Taboo, S01E08)
  • "I thought the gunpowder was for the Americans."
    "We are Americans." (Taboo, S01E08)
  • Taboo Season Grade: C+
  • "These are all the suits I wore back in the Motown days. This one, Motown 25. This one, Tom Green pranked me in. Made me eat goo." (Detroiters, S01E04)

(Detroiters, S01E04)

  • "I need you to make me a sign."
    "I won't make a sign with the words 'dick,' 'pussy,' or 'shit.'"
    "Wait a minute. What if my name was 'Dick Pussy'?"
    "Is your name 'Dick Pussy'?"
    "For the sake of this argument, yes, it is!"
    "Okay… Well, I'll make whatever sign you like, Mr. Pussy." (Detroiters, S01E04)
  • "Prince Ess." (The Magicians, S02E06)
  • "The prince speaks fluent Earth. Rumour has it his mother is from, uhh, Cincinnaahhti." (The Magicians, S02E06)

(The Magicians, S02E06)

  • "I think this girl's down to grind Eric Nies-style."
    "Yeah, no, she definitely wants to grind Eric Nies-style-y, but that vibe she's throwing towards me."
    "Guys, welcome to the real world, season one, okay? If anybody's gonna be grinding Eric Nies-style-y, it's gonna Heather be me." (Workaholics, S07E08)
  • Rosencricket and Guildenstern Are Dead (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E09)
  • Eric Andre as The Joker (Man Seeking Woman, S03E09)
  • ♫: ZZ Ward – "OverdoZZe (feat. Pell)" (Riverdale, S01E06)
  • Top Chef Season Grade: C
  • Christine hailing a taxi (Baskets, S02E07)
  • Adrian Grenier (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E05)
  • Emilio Estevez (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E05)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Legion
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


There aren't any more guns in the valley


Skip Bayless
Chris Broussard
Colin Cowherd
Clay Travis
Jason Whitlock
Nick Wright
Doug Gottlieb

FS1's on-air talent is the Trump's Cabinet of sports television.

When is Will Cain's contract with ESPN up?

And with that…


Man: Who are you?
Female Spy: Percocets, Molly Percocets.

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I've been brainstorming food items for the pub that Chris Castle and I plan to open in Seattle.

Idea: Seven-Layer Dip Sushi Roll – features all seven ingredients in a seven-layer dip.

Idea: Is a Sandwich a Hot Dog? – grind up a sandwich and stuff it in a sausage casing.