Pie in the horse

Rory: ???
Jon: I'm the Asian dude on The Good Place! Jon Yu as Jianyu!

Rory: What is this jack-o'-lantern? The letters A and F?
Jon: When you put a candle inside, it's lit AF.
Rory: [reading sign taped to bowl of candy] "I left these Twix out for Harambe, but you are welcome to take one." [pause] How are you not a dad?
Jon: I am one, remember?

Children: Trick or treat!
Jon: What have I here? [dabs] A non-sexy princess, non-sexy cat, non-cancer-stricken (I assume) Batman…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

44. "The year's most amazingly-directed television scene" (Quarry, S01E08)

The first seven-and-a-half minutes is one unbroken take. There's two seams – one when the plane flies overhead, the second as he throws the grenade in and it explodes.

Honourable Mention

  • Amy distracts Raquel's brother (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • Jon reads Gear-i's screenplay (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E02)
  • Potato Parcel pitch (Shark Tank, S08E06)

Stray Observations

  • Tina as Liberace (Bob's Burgers, S07E03)
  • ♫: End credits song (Bob's Burgers, S07E03)
  • "Think of your life as a good time, not a long time." (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E04)
  • "I wouldn't kill a spider either, because they're reincarnated wizards." (Son of Zorn, S01E05)
  • "Hey, uhh, you guys have any herpes cream I could borrow?"
    "Oh, yeah, I think we might. A friend left some here." (Son of Zorn, S01E05)
  • "No wonder Alangulon only knows about Zephyria through stereotypes. You've taught him nothing."
    "Well, maybe you should educate him. I find the best way to do that is through a culture's cuisine. That's how I learned all about Ohio." (Son of Zorn, S01E05)
  • Fried hay (Son of Zorn, S01E05)
  • "Can you use your karate to open up this pickle jar?" (Son of Zorn, S01E05)
  • The hatchet on the roof of the RV (The Walking Dead, S07E01)
  • RT: HOW DARE #TWD try to recreate the Fast franchise's outside dinner table camaraderie. (The Walking Dead, S07E01)
  • ♫: Piano "A Forest" (Westworld, S01E04)
  • "One more word and I'll cut your throat, understand? This is my fucking vacation." (Westworld, S01E04)
  • "This is the finest tobacco a man can enjoy, hand-rolled on the ample thighs of exotic women." (Westworld, S01E04)
  • "Slap leather, cocksuckers." (Westworld, S01E04)
  • "My fingers are Bugles." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E04)
  • "I told Molly I'd meet her at this stupid thing."
    "But you coming home, right? Don't let me catch you in the Rite-Aid."
    "Too soon." (Insecure, S01E03)
  • "Bitch, I'm-a call bell hooks on you." (Insecure, S01E03)
  • "Why don't more of them swim?"
    "Slavery." (Insecure, S01E03)
  • Jessica waking up Emery and Evan with the smell of a world history textbook (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E03)
  • "You shouldn't fuck with Mike Painter." (Channel Zero, S01E03)
  • "You must be confusing me with some other black guy." (Atlanta, S01E09)

(Atlanta, S01E09)

  • "Nigga, do I gotta explain alliteration?" (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Is this Hennessy?" (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "I prefer Craig Mack." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "It all takes place at a strip club. Two gangbangers hold a pastor, a drug dealer, and a pregnant teen hostage in the middle of Hurricane Katrina." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Can't eat if you don't open your mouth." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "I like Craig, but I love my money." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Jim Crow is haunting me / Like in that movie Poltergeist." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Every decent person has at least one triflin' thug in the family." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "I'm not gonna go back to Africa and find my roots, because, you know what? I'm fuckin' broke, dude." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Stop being so likable." (Atlanta, S01E09)
  • "Amy likes to fish in the river."
    "Really? I didn't know there were fish in there. What do you catch?"
    "Goldfish. Starfish. Cod." (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • "What was that?"
    "It's foxes. Foxes having sex. They have barbs. On their dicks. It's a basic design flaw." (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • "Sometimes, if I've run out of toilet paper, I use sliced bread to clean myself. If I run out of that, I use slices of ham. It's like a poor man's wet wipe." (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • "Why did they bring him to an ice rink? Are demons into figure skating or something?"
    "Do demons like figure skating? Did you really just ask me that?"
    "I'm not familiar with their leisure pursuits." (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • "That is beyond gross."
    "You wipe your ass with meat." (Crazyhead, S01E02)
  • "This is trending on Twitter – the real one, not the black one Empire owns." (Black-ish, S03E05)
  • "Haha. Like a regular Dane Cook."
    "That's not a compliment, Bow. We've gone through this." (Black-ish, S03E05)
  • "Why are you smiling? You know Charlie's not really dead, right?"
    "Yeah. But one day…" (Black-ish, S03E05)
  • "Leave me alone. I'm not American. I'm not used to all this carnage." (American Horror Story, S06E07)
  • Seasoning Lee's leg (American Horror Story, S06E07)
  • "GEEEEEAR!" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E01)
  • "I was really excited to try out some of my sweet new camping gear. These cool walking sticks took my mind off the fact that three out of four people on this camping trip were fucking all night. The fine craftsmanship of this Audubon bird call distracted me from the searing humiliation and emasculation of being left out of a sex orgy. These cool tiny binoculars allowed me to not only get a close-up view of a Eurasian wryneck, but also a bird's-eye view of three people fucking inside a GEERTOP double layer two person tent." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E01)
  • "Gear-i, would you read the lyrics to 'Hey Jealousy' by the Gin Blossoms?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E01)
  • Covering Steve's face with a black box in the title sequence (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E02)
  • "It's not an adult film. It's not a porno."
    "But we're gonna show tit." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E02)
  • "If we get the Glase, this movie gets AIDS."
    "Sorry, it was the first thing I thought of that rhymed." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E02)
  • "Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say 'yes.' On the other hand, snitches do get stitches." (The Good Place, S01E08)
  • "I used to take her to the mall sometimes and bought her churro dogs – it's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros, and it's tied together with a Slim Jim. It's an Arizona delicacy." (The Good Place, S01E08)
  • ♫: The Tallest Man on Earth – "Love Is All" (Better Things, S01E08)

(Quarry, S01E08)

  • Quarry Season Grade: C-

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Liquid Dreams

Nerf Herder frontman Parry Gripp is 62 years old

My neighbour has this inflatable R2-D2 Halloween decoration on his front lawn, and…I don't get it.

What does R2-D2 have to do with Halloween?

R2-D2 isn't even "holding" the jack-o'-lantern! The jack-o'-lantern is just in front of him.

Rory: It kinda looks like a variation on "dick in a box."
Jon: Which would make it a Christmas decoration.

My Man Mad Now

'A Stray': Film Review
Barkhad Abdirahman ('Captain Phillips') plays a Somali immigrant who wanders the streets of Minneapolis trying to rid himself of a canine sidekick.

Is Barkhad Abdi now going by his full name à la Papa Roach's Coby Dick/Jacoby Shaddix?

No. Barkhad Abdi and Barkhad Abdirahman are two different actors, both of whom played hijackers in Captain Phillips.


The birth name of Mahershala Ali (Remy on House on Cards, Cottonmouth on Luke Cage) is Mahershalalhashbaz Gilmore. Imagine having to bubble that name in on standardized tests.

Devil's Night


Rory: Look what I got for our Halloween party: The Moscow Mule-flavoured chips!

Rory: And to dip them in… Margarita-flavoured guacamole!

Jon: Pair with avocado margaritas and Moscow Mules made with a potato vodka.

Jon: I want some Robbie Williams on the playlist.
Ben: Okay…
Jon: Also, this:

Ben: [reading track listing] "Flyin' on My Sleigh"?

Anthony Michael Hall: My friend Kevin's son wants to come. Can you add him to the guest list?
Jon: Sure.
Anthony Michael Hall: His name is Man. Man Berg.

Jon: Does he need a plus-one, or is he, heh, still seeking woman?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

43. Invisible Car (Atlanta, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Diana Cross' death (American Horror Story, S06E06)
  • Paul = floor worm (You're the Worst, S03E08)
  • Black Jeopardy! (Saturday Night Live, S42E04)

Stray Observations

  • The young New Zealand actors' bad American accents (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E03)
  • Ian Gallagher (Son of Zorn, S01E04)
  • "Before I was a doctor, I was a production assistant on Living Single." (Son of Zorn, S01E04)
  • "Hummus sucks!" (Son of Zorn, S01E04)
  • "You know what? You're right, Alangulon. Not cool for an adult to do that to a kid, no. Hey, but you know what is cool? A little Blues Traveler!" (Son of Zorn, S01E04)
  • Young Anthony Hopkins (Westworld, S01E03)
  • "This pain… It's all I have left of him." (Westworld, S01E03)
  • Big Mouth Billy Bass alarm system (The Last Man on Earth, S03E03)
  • "I took all the bullet holes and I turned them into daisies. Watch your back, Martha Stewart [rest in peace]. And rather than get rid of all the angry messages, I thought maybe we should reclaim them. So instead of 'we're all going to die,' I wrote, 'we're all going to diet.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E03)
  • "Dear God, thank you for daddy Frank. He's the best new daddy we've ever had. And please let him let me be a boy named 'Dan' starting tomorrow." (Shameless, S07E03)
  • "Is you Khaleesi or that other bitch whose name I don't remember?" (Insecure, S01E02)
  • Commissary (Insecure, S01E02)
  • "Bought a bunch of new movies at the barbershop. Bootleg and chill?" (Insecure, S01E02)
  • "Lawrence, we are not about to be the black couple fighting in Rite-Aid." (Insecure, S01E02)
  • "We watch Lemonade, and then we go to Lemonade, and we eat." (Insecure, S01E02)
  • "Me and Nala were just about to go watch the Bare Bears."
    "Care Bears, daddy."
    "Uh-uh-uh-uh-uhhh! We use no C words, sweetheart. This a Blood house." (Insecure, S01E02)
  • "She know her A-B-Bs and shit." (Insecure, S01E02)
  • "I thought that was No Way Jose's less threatening cousin, Perhaps Not Jorge." (WWE Raw, 10-17-16)
  • The governor of Colorado chanting for Goldberg (WWE Raw, 10-17-16)
  • "Who do you work for, pizza man?!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E05)
  • "Cabbage." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E05)
  • "30 grams of fat?! Hummus is dumb!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E05)
  • "You remind me of my friend back in Indiana."
    "He was Chinese, wasn't he?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E02)
  • "Every time you smile, you're showing off your skeleton." (Channel Zero, S01E02)
  • Chinless James Ellsworth slipping out of AJ Styles' chinlock (WWE SmackDown Live, 10-18-16)
  • "Somebody smells like a Wendy's Double Stack." (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • "Question: Have you ever had to throw out another bouncer?"
    "How was it?"
    "Hard. He knew all the moves." (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • The usual type (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • ♫: Jeremih – "Impatient (feat. Ty Dolla $ign)" (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • "Ladies and gentlemen, Marcus Miles has just bought the entire bar tonight. So…we will no longer be serving drinks. He owns all the liquor in the club, and, uhh, I think he's leaving!" (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • Zoo Tycoon (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • "Nigerians, man…" (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • "Let's exchange information or something."
    "Yeah! You can follow me on Instagram."
    "Come on…"
    "I'm for real gonna check out your music on SoundCloud." (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • "I just don't scare people like you, man. Like, niggas know I drink juice and shit." (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • ♫: Baby Huey and the Baby Sitters – "Hard Times" (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • Miller High Life (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • "Hey, man, you should really practice better business habits." (Atlanta, S01E08)
  • "They don't really have haircuts in Thailand. Have you noticed how all Asian guys basically have the same hairstyle?" (Crazyhead, S01E01)
  • "Have you ever slept with a guy with cold semen? If a guy's possessed, the semen's cold." (Crazyhead, S01E01)
  • ♫: Weaves – "Drag Me Down" (Crazyhead, S01E01)
  • "She's come to take my Saturn!" (American Horror Story, S06E06)
  • "Let's come together as a school – and terraform Mars." (South Park, S20E05)
  • Zoo Entrepreneur (You're the Worst, S03E08)
  • "You got me in with the pot people. They're the worst people. Worse than people who study abroad or atheists." (You're the Worst, S03E08)
  • "There's an old Chinese proverb: Lies are like tigers – they are bad."
    "That's it?"
    "It's more poetic in Mandarin." (The Good Place, S01E07)
  • 24-year-old with a boy voice (Shark Tank, S08E05)
  • "A twat is not a butt." (Quarry, S01E07)
  • RT: If you liked David Pumpkins, please thank Streeter Seidell, the co-writer of Kevin Roberts. (Saturday Night Live, S42E04)
  • James Norton or Matt Saracen? (Black Mirror, S03E01)
  • James Norton's bad American accent (Black Mirror, S03E01)
  • Czech Home Improvement (Black Mirror, S03E01)
  • Cherry Jones oscillating the steering wheel while driving straight (Black Mirror, S03E01)
  • Big Ass Spider! (Black Mirror, S03E02)
  • ♫: Radiohead – "Exit Music (for a Film)" (Black Mirror, S03E03)
  • Bubble Bobble (Black Mirror, S03E04)
  • Black Mirror Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Chuck Norris with a thesaurus

Apropos of nothing, I re-scored Westworld's opening credits with The Weeknd's "Starboy":

Jon: How many seasons do you think The Walking Dead will run?
Rory: 12.
Jon: Oof. I'd be 40 when it ends.
Jon: Chris Hardwick would be 50.

Jon: The Walking Dead is about to begin its seventh season and has already been renewed for an eighth.
Jon: Stargate SG-1, currently the longest-running cable drama in history, ran 10 seasons.
Jon: 12 may be low.

Jon: Norman Reedus is 47. How old do you think he will be when the inevitable Daryl spin-off ends?
Jon: Over/under: Eligible for full Social Security benefits.

Eater's Digest: Austin, TX

September 2016
barley swine / lick honest ice creams / franklin barbecue / brew and brew / hotel san josé lounge / cheer up charlie's / the side bar / odd duck / noble sandwich co. / cow tipping creamery / torchy's tacos / sway / shake shack / veracruz all natural / gourdough's public house / baton creole / the hightower / prohibition creamery / via 313 / easy tiger / royal blue grocery / noble sandwich co. / odd duck / la barbecue / tiny pies / lenoir / snooze / alamo drafthouse / whataburger

Beef Rib (La Barbecue)

^ "What am I eating?" I wondered as I chipped away at it. $22.00/pound. Each rib weighs about 1.5 pounds.

Brisket (La Barbecue)
Brisket (Frankin Barbecue)
—The gold stars are only for brisket with some fat. Lean brisket is trash, even Franklin's.

Steven and his friend Marissa drove up from San Antonio to help me eat the four pounds of Franklin brisket that I pre-ordered. We managed to eat about half of it. In retrospect, The Amazing Race's "eat four pounds of meat by yourself" Roadblock in season seven was mental.

I ordered the 10-course chef's tasting at (Barley Swine) and a root beer that was unpalatably rooty.


Pig Skin Noodles (Barley Swine)
shrimp dumpling, hot sauce

Mid-Tasting Palate Cleanser (Barley Swine)
watermelon shrub, basil and mint pearls

Dry-aged Akaushi Ribeye (Barley Swine)
bone marrow hash
—A heavenly slice of red meat.

Koji Rice Porridge (Barley Swine)
—Like a honeydew sago. Flashback to my childhood.

Potato Chip-Crusted Catfish Sandwich (Noble Sandwich Co.)
remoulade slaw, bread and butter pickles, tnp vinegar hot sauce, garlic bread

Smoked Duck Pastrami Sandwich (Noble Sandwich Co.)
russian dressing, rye pickles
—Odd-tasting duck.

(Odd Duck) is (Barley Swine)'s seemingly more popular sibling.


Pretzel (Odd Duck)
pig face carnitas, cheddar, fried egg puree

Beef Cracklin' Tater Tots (Odd Duck)
mustard bechamel, pickled mushroom
—I couldn't discern the "cracklin'."

Spiced Eggplant (Odd Duck)
sunflower butter, marinated feta, olive, sweet peppers

Chicken-Fried Fish Head (Odd Duck)
seeded dredge, salsa verde, mint, cilantro
—Much larger than I expected.

Coffee Croissant (Odd Duck)
pecan, whiskey, milk jam

Chocolate Layer Cake (Odd Duck)
mexican vanilla ice cream, chocolate potato chips
—The chocolate potato chips are just garnish, disappointingly.

Jon: I'm confused. This place (TOMS) sells coffee and shoes?

Activated Popsicle Shandy (Hotel San José Lounge)
charcoal lemonade popsicle, shiner blonde light

^ Charcoal, lemonade, beer.

'Son of a Peach' Dessert Donut (Gourdough's Public House)
peach filling, cinnamon sugar, cake mix topping

^ Cloying, even for my diabetic ass. My donut had, like, a ladle of icing slathered on it.

Peach Cobbler Pancake (Snooze)
peaches, almond streusel, vanilla cream, whipped raspberry mascarpone

Baked Potato Pancake (Snooze)
—A poor man's latke.

Jambalaya Baton (Baton Creole)
traditional rice-based dish smothered with the "trinity" of cajun vegetables along with garlic, tomatoes, and cajun spices; deep-fried on a stick and drizzled with remoulade sauce

^ I dislike how its chunks of sausage are skewered on the stick.

Cajun Poutine (Baton Creole)
seasoned waffle fries, melted brie cheese, badass brown gravy
—I ordered this to go and received the saddest box of waffle fries topped with a few slivers of congealed brie [gravy in a separate container].

Migas (Veracruz All Natural)
eggs, tortilla chips, avocado, pico de gallo, cheese
—Served as a taco.

(Torchy's Tacos) are…fine.

Green Chile Queso and Chips (Torchy's Tacos)
homemade chips with green chile queso topped off with guacamole, queso fresco, cilantro, and diablo hot sauce
—Torchy's queso, on the other hand, I still think about.

Fruit Cup (The Hightower)
mexican marigold ice cream, clementine sorbet, watermelon granita, chili and lime powder
—"What a curious play on a fruit cup," I thought, not realizing that it is a play on a MEXICAN fruit cup.

Banana Split (Sway)
milk chocolate five spice, condensed milk, and cashew caramel swirl ice creams; black sesame brownie, candied cashew, coconut milk jam, drunken cherries, bananas, whipped cream
—A Thai play on a banana split.

Its description as punctuated on (Sway)'s website –

– reads like it only features one flavour of ice cream [condensed milk and cashew caramel swirl], when it actually features three [milk chocolate five spice, condensed milk, and cashew caramel swirl].

"Bubble Cone" Stacker (Cow Tipping Creamery)
housemade vanilla egg waffle cone, green tea soft serve, toasted coconut dust, cornflake crumb, toasted sesame seeds, drizzle of white chocolate sauce, pocky stick on top

^ My bubble waffle was tough.

Signature Bourbon Ice Cream (Prohibition Creamery)
Sangria Sorbet Ice Cream (Prohibition Creamery)
Tiramisu Ice Cream (Prohibition Creamery)
Whiskey Chocolate Ice Cream (Prohibition Creamery)
—High-quality boozy ice cream.

Steven: This place (Star Seeds Cafe) has good food, but the wait staff treats you shitty if you don't have tattoos.
Jon: Soooo they hate Jews?

(Alamo Drafthouse / HBO)

Green Chili Lamb Sausage with Pretzel Bun (Easy Tiger)
lamb, queso blanco, escabeche
—The escabeche I can take or leave, but the sausage and pretzel bun are superb.

(Lenoir) is a wonderland of ingredient combinations.


Habañero Noodles (Lenoir)
cucumber lime broth, pepita-sesame crumble, mint oil

Braised Goat (Lenoir)
everything sourdough crepe, full-sour gherkin, thai chili mustard, barrel-aged beet hot sauce

Smoked Apple Crème Caramel (Lenoir)
chili coconut chicharrón, grape consommé

Brûléed Spice Cake (Lenoir)
cheddar ice cream, watermelon-fig salad, garam masala

Thai Lime Leaf and White Chocolate Profiteroles (Lenoir)
herb anglaise, cocoa nib

No dish I tried, however, was as wonderful as its optional

Miso Apple Sesame Bread (Lenoir)
eggplant pecan spread

'The Detroiter' Pizza (Via 313)
smoked pepperoni under the cheese, natural casing pepperoni on top
—I knew that Detroit-style pizza was square, but was unaware that traditionally, a layer of pepperoni lines Detroit-style pizza crust – pepperoni under the cheese.

Texas Two Step Pie (Tiny Pies)
—Combination brownie and pecan pie.

Texas Sheet Cake Ice Cream (Lick Honest Ice Creams)
chocolate pecan icing, chocolate ice cream

(Whataburger) is the lean brisket of burger chains.


(Lala's Little Nugget) – Christmas-themed bar.

Corndog Fish Collars (Barley Swine)
hot sauce

French Toast Fritter (Odd Duck)
butternut squash, coffee mayo, goat feta


Housemade Twinkies (Drink Well)

Donut Cone (Cow Tipping Creamery)

Tiramisu Pops (Sophia's)
mascarpone, coffee, housemade lady fingers

Asian Movie Night (The Peached Tortilla)
popcorn ice cream, asian caramel, rice puffs

Kimchi Arancini Balls (The Peached Tortilla)
wasabi and sriracha aioli, roasted nori

Honey Walnut Shrimp Po'boy (General Tso'boy)
battered wild caught gulf shrimp, sweet mayonnaise, candied walnuts

Honey Walnut Sundae (General Tso'boy)

Mexican Coke Sweet Potatoes (Lucy's Fried Chicken)

The Real Deal Holyfield (Valentina's Tex Mex BBQ)
tomato serrano salsa, fried egg, potatoes, refried beans, bacon, mesquite smoked brisket

Whip-Indianized Nachos (Whip In)
el milagro tortilla chips, braised black beans, kashmiri pepper queso, pico de gallo, cilantro chutney

Kashmir Frito Pie (Whip In)
spicy goat chili atop fritos with black beans, melted cheeses, sour cream, and cilantro

Mumbai Migas (Whip In)
vital farms eggs soft scrambled with grilled onions, feta, totopos, and cilantro chutney; topped with pico de gallo and served with black beans and basmati rice

Bangalore Biscuit Sandwich (Whip In)
vital farms fried egg, house made goat chorizo sausage, grilled tomatoes, mixed greens, and melted cheese on a fluffy indian spiced biscuit; served with grilled crushed potatoes

Naan Burrito (Whip In)

Jon: You had sex with your Uber driver?
Steven: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Steven: She gave me five stars.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

42. Dick Butt (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Nobody light a match or flick your butts over this way. You're leaking diesel all over the place."
    "Did he say 'flick your butts'?"
    "Excuse me, where can we flick our butts? 'Cause that needs to happen pret-ty soon." (Bob's Burgers, S07E02)
  • ♫: "Rip It" – heh (Shameless, S07E02)
  • ♫: Piano "No Surprises" (Westworld, S01E02)
  • "I'd like to lick your vagina and then tongue-dart your anus." (Divorce, S01E01)
  • "You know who you are? You're Jesse James, and I get to be Sandra Bullock. And I get to rise from the ashes of humiliation and win a fucking Academy Award." (Divorce, S01E01)
  • "Every black girl that went to college likes Drake." (Insecure, S01E01)
  • "Stupid idiom." (WWE Raw, 10-10-16)
  • "John Philip Sousa, the Skrillex of his day." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E04)
  • "I tried to make this fun. I even learned what Skrillex was." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E04)
  • "It's a perfect fall New York Day" – she says in what is clearly Downtown Los Angeles (New Girl, S06E04)
  • Coach (New Girl, S06E04)
  • WKRP (Channel Zero, S01E01)
  • Eva Air (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • Ghost (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • "Please call me by the English name I've chosen: Hennessy." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • "Economy?"
    "Plus." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • "There are no pedophiles in Taiwan. People are too busy getting things done to have time for any hobbies." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • "I guess I just have sweet blood." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • "That's why you work at Kinko's in the first place – because you're shady." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)
  • ♫: Pixies – "Velouria" (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E09)
  • Chekov's floorboards (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E10)
  • ♫: "The King of Wishful Thinking" (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E10)
  • ♫: Bob Dylan – "New Morning" (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E10)
  • Halt and Catch Fire Season Grade: C
  • The Eric Andre Show's "We'll Be Right Back" music (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "You ever heard my song 'Illuminati Sex'?" (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • Nileseyy Niles (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "So how do you embrace your identity?"
    "I dress a certain way. Patagonia. I wear a thick, brown leather belt. I like to envision myself after the surgery. 'Hey, excuse me, what IPA do you have on tap? Hey, did you see Game of Thrones last night?'" (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "Excuse me, this is definitely the guy. He doesn't even live in the area. I've never seen him before." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "Rap is chickens coming home to roost." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "You hate women."
    "[bleep], what?!" (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "Most people don't realize their chakras in another universe." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "Come to our Liberty Centre and get a free juice and Nutella sandwich."
    "When I called Ahmad, my life was going nowhere fast. After a Nutella sandwich and juice, my life's a lot better." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "If you'd like to be smart as a baby dolphin, call now." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • "You look like a dying palm tree." (Atlanta, S01E07)
  • Doris Kearns Goodwin (American Horror Story, S06E05)
  • "But first, let's rouge each other's nipples." (American Horror Story, S06E05)
  • "Need I remind you that you are a servant as well. Do not think your velvet tongue and purple cock head are enough to make you any more than that." (American Horror Story, S06E05)
  • "It was said that madness always ran in the family. The line ended in scandal when the last Mott died in South Florida in 1952" – S04's Dandy (American Horror Story, S06E05)
  • "I was half-expecting you to be another high maintenance diva."
    "Oh, no, you're probably thinking of Ben Kweller." (You're the Worst, S03E07)
  • Ben Folds' famous smoked pork shoulder (You're the Worst, S03E07)
  • "Hey, folks, if you're gonna Instagram this, be sure to hashtag #BenFoldsSightings, #BenFoldsIsEverywhere, and #BenFoldsMovesToLA. If you do, I'll personally tell you what 'Brick' is really about."
    "…No." (You're the Worst, S03E07)
  • "If your Uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free." (The Good Place, S01E06)
  • "I've come to really like frozen yogurt. There's something so human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more of it." (The Good Place, S01E06)
  • "Well, since we're becoming friends, like Ross and Phoebe…"
    "Weird combo to pick, but okay…" (The Good Place, S01E06)
  • "I got her a painting of the best impressionist of all time: Frank Caliendo. He can do it all – fat Al Pacino, fat Jerry Seinfeld, regular John Madden…" (The Good Place, S01E06)
  • Ted Danson "pumping his fists" (The Good Place, S01E06)
  • "I give up. I can't help the people I promised to help. I feel like Friends in season eight." (The Good Place, S01E06)

(The Good Place, S01E06)

  • "Dude, I know you. You're Ramadan Steve." (The Eric Andre Show, S04E10)
  • Malfunctioning coffee mug (The Eric Andre Show, S04E10)
  • The Eric Andre Show Season Grade: B-
  • "CHONK!" (Saturday Night Live, S42E03)
  • Bruno Mars performing in basketball shorts (Saturday Night Live, S42E03)
  • "You wanna watch me whip and nae nae, Thembi?" (Luke Cage, S01E06)
  • "The ex-wife took all my money. She still needs the dick." (Luke Cage, S01E06)
  • Cottonmouth died so Mahershala Ali could appear in four 2016 film releases and be nominated for an Oscar (Luke Cage, S01E07)
  • "Domingo, sorry about the mess, hermano, but I have no doubt you have people that can clean up." (Luke Cage, S01E09)
  • "You think Peter Luger's is still open?" (Luke Cage, S01E09)
  • "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Luke Cage, S01E11)
  • Method Man (Luke Cage, S01E12)
  • Sway and Heather B. (Luke Cage, S01E12)
  • Diamondback's costume (Luke Cage, S01E12)
  • "Wait, wait, wait. Yo, the dude's talking about your moms, Luke. You reppin' Harlem, you better put it on him, son." (Luke Cage, S01E13)
  • Luke Cage Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Vegetated Swales

// California

Back home after three weeks on the road. How do wrestlers do it?

And I just visited four cities. In September, Chris Jericho traveled from Tampa to Detroit to Kansas City to London to Hong Kong to Manila to Shanghai to Baltimore to Tampa in the span of nine days.

Idea: Airline miles, but for television. The more television you watch, the more points you earn. Redeem your points for free months of cable/satellite television or a video streaming service, or free tickets to films or sporting events. Earn double points when you watch scripted television live.

Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar

// New York City, NY

Damn. BAM's Next Wave Festival looks dope.

Architecture doubles as instrument in this collage of offbeat pop songs and live construction. Building as they play, the band members coax an array of uncanny sounds from a set of amplified eight-foot-long sheets of Styrofoam wall insulation.

Kings of War
In director Ivo van Hove's clever merging of the plays Henry V, Henry VI: Parts I, II and III, and Richard III, three Bardian power players enter the fluorescent-lit corridors of the present.

Balletic refrains inspired by Boyz n the Hood and the historically black neighborhoods of Pittsburgh. Clips of the film's dialogue mix with the music of Handel and Sam Cooke.

Entangled in a dense field of 5,000 black nylon wires, a single body moves, incandescent and strange.

Memory Rings
A time-bending puppet fantasia on ecological themes.

The Magnetic Fields: 50 Song Memoir
Stephen Merritt and his seven-member band celebrate his 50th birthday with 50 new songs, one for every year of his melodious existence.

Oh. I'll be back in New York City the weekend of the Magnetic Fields event. Hmm…

Vaya Con Edison

// New York City, NY

Idea: A combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell in a combination Residence Inn and Courtyard.

There is a Broadway musical about the lives of Gloria Estefan and her husband?

According to Wikipedia, it climaxes at the 1991 American Music Awards.

The name "IT'SUGAR" irritates me mightily. It looks like a meme caption and combines two different pronunciations of the letter S.

I hate menus on which the items are just lists of ingredients. It's like paying to judge Chopped.

Gunshow Poophole

The main title sequences for Westworld and Luke Cage were made by the same man. He also made the main titles for The Night Manager and Halt and Catch Fire.

Season three of Lip Sync Battle premieres on Wednesday with… Ben Kingsley vs. John Cho?!

I have so many questions.

This man interviewed the president.

Jesus Saves, Dutch Kills

// New York City, NY

Free wi-fi for subway riders isn't cool. You know what's cool? Countdown clocks in all subway stations/for all subway lines.

None of the ads for the New York City Marathon that I've seen on subway trains feature any black people.

My hotel's fitness centre gets NFL RedZone.

I encountered a baby boomer in said fitness centre today lifting weights in a dress shirt, suit pants, and dress shoes, his suit jacket hanging on the seat of a recumbent exercise bike.

Blokes in Astoria sure like wearing sweatpants.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

41. Immersion Therapy (You're the Worst, S03E06)

Stray Observations

(Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E01)

  • "Hey, Earl Sweatpants." (Son of Zorn, S01E03)
  • "And they cheered for their hero, for they knew their burritos would be bland no longer." (Son of Zorn, S01E03)
  • "I've taken it upon myself to ensure that future generations will know the story of Alangulon, kicker of fat kids, haver of sadistic rage underneath his effeminate exterior, future castrater of Craig!" (Son of Zorn, S01E03)
  • ♫: Piano "Black Hole Sun" (Westworld, S01E01)
  • Rick and Morty (Shameless, S07E01)
  • Teen moms (Shameless, S07E01)
  • "Lullaby time. Go to sleep / Daddy's dead / But his ghost's always watching…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E03)
  • "When singing Toto, why is it always 'Africa'? They've got a deep catalog!" (New Girl, S06E03)

(Atlanta, S01E06)

  • "Sometimes Grandma forgets she's been saved." (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • O.J.: Made in America (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • "'10 million fireflies' is hard to recover from." (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • "I'm sure you've paid for more than your fair share of murder flowers." (Black-ish, S03E03)
  • "Ooh. Anything to eat in there?" (You're the Worst, S03E06)
  • "Ooh. Flautas – Mexico's spring roll." (You're the Worst, S03E06)
  • "Honestly, I'd murder for a Coke Zero." (American Horror Story, S06E04)
  • "Tell me, young man, have you ever heard the term 'gay for pay'?" (American Horror Story, S06E04)

(American Horror Story, S06E04)

  • "There ain't no return policy. This ain't L.L. Bean." (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • ♫: Wu-Tang Clan – "Bring Da Ruckus" (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • "Shut up, Black Mariah!" (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • A bazooka? (Luke Cage, S01E03)
  • "You look like a damn fool." (Luke Cage, S01E04)
  • "Teddy Riley, Big L, A$AP Rocky." (Luke Cage, S01E05)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger Things
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


We ain't ever getting older

// Philadelphia, PA

Today is my 34th birthday. I took a red-eye from Las Vegas to celebrate it in Philadelphia. First time wearing pants in months.

Yesterday, I realized that I did not acknowledge the 16th anniversary of Adam Riff™ on September 10.

Come next September 10, I will have operated this website for half of my life.