Cena Elementary

The film adaptation of Ratchet and Clank opens on Friday.

Hitman [2]: Agent 47 made $81 million?

Need for Speed made $203 million?!

Resident Evil [5]: Retribution made $240 million. Not sure why the next RE film is "the final chapter."

Q: Rank the following 2016 film adaptations of video games by projected final domestic box office, from largest to smallest: Ratchet and Clank, Angry Birds, Warcraft, Assassin's Creed.

Jon: Hmm…
Jon: I don't know anyone who has played a Ratchet and Clank game, but it's animated.
Jon: Angry Birds seems past its sell-by date, but of the four, I think its name recognition is highest – and it's animated.
Jon: Warcraft feels like a bomb that fans of Warcraft will just torrent.
Jon: Assassin's Creed opens against Rogue One, but there is plenty of Christmastime box office money to go around. I mean, Daddy's Home made $240 million against The Force Awakens.
Jon: I'm gonna say… 1. Angry Birds, 2. Assassin's Creed, 3. Warcraft, 4. Ratchet and Clank.

Drew: 1. Assassin's Creed. Biggest star power and probably the most popular game franchise.
Drew: 2. Warcraft. People will see it just to see it, but I feel like more people know WoW.
Drew: 3. Angry Birds. Pretty irrelevant at this point, but idiot parents will take their horrible children to see it, probably, and it still has more name recognition than…
Drew: 4. Ratchet and Clank. The original came out when I was in college! (a.k.a. a long time ago).

Russell: 1. Angry Birds. Can't deny both adult and child appeal of the franchise. Animation boost. 90-minute runtime triples replay value. Josh Gad prints money.
Russell: 2. Warcraft. Old and new Warcraft fans alike will go regardless of how Avatar it seems to look in both plot/character design. Not sure if people outside of Blizzard fandom will attend. Orcs are not hobbits.
Russell: 3. Assassin's Creed. Fassbender hasn't opened a movie outside of X-Men franchise. Pretty convoluted story even for someone who has played all the games up 'til this last one. Director did that Macbeth adaptation that was good on mood but felt like nine hours while watching. Opens against Rogue One.
Russell: 4. Ratchet and Clank. Sony Animation is hit-or-miss. Not sure it has the same video game appeal of Angry Birds. Fact that I didn't know this was coming out this week says a lot. Can't cook.

Jon: You think Assassin's Creed will be lowest?
Steven: Yeah. Who is the assassin?
Jon: Michael Fassbender.
Steven: Nah, it won't do well.

I will revisit this post next Q1.

A bitter form of refuge

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I am chuffed to present Backwash, a podcast by Adam Robot and I.

Episode 15:

iTunes link

1. The Vegas Episode

Yes, a whole episode on Las Vegas.

recorded on March 6, 2016


I was thinking today…

Not to play into the stereotype fact that Asian people like to gamble, but, when I was young, my favourite zone in Sonic 2 was Casino Night, my favourite character in Ranma ½: Hard Battle was Gambling King, and my favourite X-Man was Gambit.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. Tina singing "Just What I Needed" (Bob's Burgers, S06E14)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • RT: Watch Zeke's eyes drop to Tina's chest the moment he first appears in the episode (Bob's Burgers, S06E14)
  • "No one is gonna think you really hate kissing. Do people think Tony Danza is really the boss?"
    "I do… I mean, he's at least a boss…" (Bob's Burgers, S06E14)
  • Ring finger middle finger (The Last Man on Earth, S02E15)

(WWE Raw, 04-18-16)

  • Better Call Saul Season Grade: B
  • "I should've known Agent Wheelan was dirty. There were signs. He wore a V-neck once."
    "Bob! You did nothing?!"
    "It's my greatest regret." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E23)
  • "Chocolate is the devil's carob."
    "And carob is Satan's raisin." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E23)
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C+
  • "You're the only one I've been with after your father." (Empire, S02E14)

(Empire, S02E14)

(Archer, S07E04)

  • "Ashes to ashes, dust to side-chicks." (Lemonade)
  • RT: Beyoncé saw tree of life (Lemonade)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The People v. O.J. Simpson
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Del Shannon – "Runaway"

While waiting to pick up the kids at school today, I browsed humour writing assignments pinned to a wall and…


Oh. It's a play on Divergent.

They must swim in a pool of detergent? Continents shaped like detergent?


At age 22, Murphy was offered a job writing for the sitcom Seinfeld which was then little-known. He did not expect the show to be successful and chose to continue with music instead.

Idea: LCD Seinsystem – a novelty Twitter account that pairs stills of Seinfeld with LCD Soundsystem lyrics.

Or a band that plays dance-punk songs about nothing.

Gentleman's Sweep

Idea: Craps and Furious – Fast and Furious-themed craps. Dominic Toretto is all about family, and no table game is more communal than craps.

Fast and Furious 10 will reportedly be the final Fast and Furious film. Make two more Fast and Furious films so that every Fast and Furious film is represented in Fast and Furious craps.

Dom should not appear in Fast and Furious 12, so that craps rolls (2, 3, and 12) are the Fast and Furious films not starring Vin Diesel.

And, as Paul Walker exited in Furious 7, rolling a 7 ends a round.

Idea: The Fast and the Furious: Oculus Drift – a virtual reality experience.

Other Universal IP that lends itself well to VR: Jurassic Park, 50 Shades of Grey, The Purge.

I'll drive my car without the brakes


Did anyone at Mars point out that this is also the mix of, like, 30 other countries?

Idea: Skittles – Colour Blind Mix. Just red and green Skittles.

Idea: Black Skittles. Promote them with a parody of "Black Skinhead."

Four in the mornin', and I'm jonesin'
They say I'm obsessed, share with no one
I eat, like, 300, ebon colon
Gobs of Black Skittles, none are token

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

16. "Let's break into the FBI." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E22)

Like the diner scene in Heat.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

(The Last Man on Earth, S02E14)

  • Lol at that cut to end credits (The Magicians, S01E13)
  • The Magicians Season Grade: D
  • "He appears to be rifling through Clown Boobies magazine." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E22)
  • "Uhh, actually, that, that's my lint. My lint is oblong. My lint is blue." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E22)
  • "I don't get it. Miranda could have had Blair Underwood, but she settles for Steve?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E22)
  • "Oh, Bob…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E22)
  • RT: "The latest The Grinder is so relentlessly meta and brilliant it may have shattered television comedy for generations" (The Grinder, S01E19)
  • "The woman, though. She was great."
    "I love her dry delivery."
    "Yeah, I want to see more of her." (The Grinder, S01E19)
  • "So, I got some feedback from some girls at school, and apparently, half of them don't even know who I am."
    "Well, my friends kept it pretty positive, mostly asking for more of some stuff, but nothing I can't deliver on."
    "Lizzie, you're forgettable. We know that now. So the question becomes 'what are we going to do about it?'" (The Grinder, S01E19)
  • ♫: The Builders and the Butchers – "Golden and Green" (Banshee, S04E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The People v. O.J. Simpson
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


I was there in 1968


If the rights to further entries in the horror franchises "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "Halloween", "Friday The 13th", "A Nightmare On Elm Street", "Child's Play(Chucky)", "Leprechaun", "Hellraiser", "Re-Animator", "Phantasm", "Candyman", "Maniac Cop", "Silent Night, Deadly Night", "Darkman", "Wishmaster", and "Annabelle"/"The Conjuring", the rights to further entries in the "Evil Dead" franchise and Full Moon's "Puppet Master" and "Demonic Toys, Dollman, & Bad Channels" horror franchises, and the rights to the planned "Hack/Slash" TV series can be shared by Lionsgate, Sony, Paramount, New Line, Weinstein, Relativity and Rogue, Starz, Universal, and Full Moon, then there can be a "Hack/Slash" TV series, in addition to more entries in the previously mentioned franchises and epic crossover events.

Note: The timeline of the universe in which these take place should contain the events of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"[1974], a remake of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2", and the upcoming prequel to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"[1974] titled "Leatherface", "Halloween"[1978], "Halloween 2"[1981], "Halloween 3: Season of The Witch", "Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers", a remake of "Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers", a remake of "Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers", "Halloween: H20", and "Halloween: Resurrection", the original "Friday The 13th"(excluding "Jason X") and "A Nightmare On Elm Street" film series, "Friday The 13th: The Series", the "Child's Play(Chucky)" film series, the original "Leprechaun" film series, the 1st-5th "Hellraiser" films, the "Re-Animator" film series, the "Phantasm" film series, the "Candyman" film series, the "Maniac Cop" film series, the "Silent Night, Deadly Night" film series, the "Darkman" film series, the "Wishmaster" film series, the "Annabelle"/"The Conjuring" film series, and the "Puppet Master" film series and the "Demonic Toys, Dollman, & Bad Channels" film series.

I realize that in "Halloween 3: Season of The Witch", an ad for "Halloween"[1978] is shown on TV, as is the film itself, but the in-universe explanation for that can be that the film that is advertised & shown on TV is based on the infamous events that took place in Haddonfield,Illinois on the night of Halloween in 1978, and that said film was released in 1980.


A song performed by Dokken and Alice Cooper titled "Nightmare Warriors" should be made for the "Freddy VS Jason VS Ash 2: The Nightmare Warriors" TV miniseries.

There should be a "Child's Play(Chucky)" & "Silent Night, Deadly Night" crossover film titled "Silent Night, Chucky Night". There should be a "Child's Play(Chucky)", "Puppet Master", & "Demonic Toys" crossover film titled "Chucky VS Puppet Master VS Demonic Toys".


Years from now, there should be a 1-season-long TV series, which should be aired on the Starz TV channel, in which a mysterious extra-dimensional being with ties to Hell brings all the villain characters of these franchises together and forces them to fight each other in "Mortal Kombat"-style battles, and the surviving hero characters of these franchises are somehow brought into the situation.

Petition for a fighting game with just horror film characters.

I know you can play as Leatherface, Jason Voorhees, and Freddy Krueger in Mortal Kombat X, but I'm talking a Super Smash Bros. of horror cinema.

Disney is leaving money on the table by not commissioning a Marvel vs. Star Wars fighting game.

Hepatitis Bathtub

Evidently, reports of the music industry's death are greatly exaggerated. $6,000 in fees!

I wonder what is the most someone has ever paid in ticket fees.

According to ESPN, on StubHub, someone paid $27,500 each for two tickets to see Kobe up close for the last time. That's approximately $9,370 in ticket fees, for a grand total of $64,370, or three millennials' gross worth.

The best people in life are free

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I am chuffed to present Backwash, a podcast by Adam Robot and I.

Episode 14:

iTunes link

1. How We Met / Weddings / Family Reunions
2. Socks / Shazam for Shirts
3. Odd Ice Cream Flavours / Pinball Ringtone / Funeral Stargazing / This Generation's Aaliyah / Axl Rose
4. Weezer / The Real World
5. Our Top Five 1996 Albums

recorded on January 28 and March 27, 2016


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. Conan Stars In North Korea's First Late Night Talk Show (Conan in Korea)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Michael Cole: "C'mon, Byron, Xavier's hair, he's obviously Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z. Don't you know anything?" (WrestleMania 32)
  • Shaq entering the ring to "Panda" (WrestleMania 32)

Stephanie McMahon (WrestleMania 32)

The Masturbatorium (The Last Man on Earth, S02E13)

  • "I was just wondering if you could perform a little bro-to-bro solid. Well, more of a gelatinous than a solid, really. Could you masturbate into this cup for me?"
    "Absolutely. A friend needs semen, he gets semen. What's the time frame on this? It's just, the well's running a little dry. I could give you pee. Would pee help?" (The Last Man on Earth, S02E13)
  • "Then I'm the biggest bastard on Earth."
    "Todd, stop it. That title is reserved for Erica's baby." (The Last Man on Earth, S02E13)
  • Carol's pronunciation of "groin" (The Last Man on Earth, S02E13)
  • Erica's pronunciation of "khakis" (The Last Man on Earth, S02E13)
  • Lost music (The Walking Dead, S06E16)
  • "Gonna be pee pee pants city here real soon." (The Walking Dead, S06E16)
  • The Walking Dead Season Grade: F
  • RT: Of all the Chicago fuck-ups on Shameless, having very old Duke audio for that DePaul and Northwestern game is the most personal (Shameless, S06E12)
  • Shameless Season Grade: D
  • "OJ was here." (The People v. O.J. Simpson, S01E10)
  • "We got a real rager planned." (The People v. O.J. Simpson, S01E10)
  • The nudity is Cuba Gooding Jr.'s butt (The People v. O.J. Simpson, S01E10)
  • The People v. O.J. Simpson Season Grade: B+
  • "So, Mimi Whiteman and her wife?"
    "Look, we gonna get them a real nice wedding present. You know, a couple of dildos." (Empire, S02E12)
  • "Look, I'm meeting with the PR team. I will have them come up with a clever way to get the gays back behind you."
    "Shouldn't take a PR team. Just drop your drawers, brother." (Empire, S02E12)
  • ♫: Run the Jewels – "Run the Jewels" (Empire, S02E12)
  • "Never put your baseball hat on straight. You always cock it to the side. But don't cock it too far. You're a Johnson, not a Wayans." (Black-ish, S02E19)
  • ♫: Dorothy Moore – "Misty Blue" (The Americans, S04E04)
  • Nina! (The Americans, S04E04)

(Banshee, S04E02)

  • Adam Scott and Jon Daly playing Adam Scott and John Daly (The Adult Swim Golf Classic)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The People v. O.J. Simpson
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


I'm a killing spree in white, eyes like broken Christmas lights

The URL is "millennials-hate-napkins."

Millennials are killing the paper napkin industry.

Younger consumers are opting instead for paper towels at the dinner table.

I'm pretty sure the paper napkin industry also makes paper towels.

Consumers view napkins as a less economical choice than paper towels. "It's one less thing to buy."

Also, paper towels are packaged tidily in a standardized roll. Napkins are a motley lot that can be a pain to organize neatly.

The Washington Post notes several other reasons for the decline of the napkin.

For one, paper towels are more functional than napkins, thanks to their ability to clean up messes of all sizes.

Ehhh… Napkins are as functional as paper towels. You can clean up messes of all sizes with napkins too, just like you can blow your nose with toilet paper, and wipe your butt with facial tissues.

Shit, you can blow your nose and wipe your butt with paper towels too – three less things to buy!

Additionally, the Post notes how fewer millennials are eating meals at home, which is also contributing to the decline of napkin purchases.

Does anyone buy drinking straws? If needed, I just grab some at Chick-fil-A (I like the quality of its straws).

Fifty words for murder and I'm every one of them

Today marks the seventh anniversary of Adam Riff™'s Tumblr, The Agony of Defeat.

As finding photos for it has become increasingly difficult over the years, I considered killing TAoD today, but I'm only ≈900 posts away from 10,000.

I am dreading "covering" another Olympics.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

14. Undersea Hotel (Saturday Night Live, S41E16)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • RT: Four minutes in and this is definitely Brian's Emmy episode (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E18)
  • "I bet he got lice from sleeping over at Dave's. All that orange soda made his blood sweet and then the lice came."
    "I don't think drinking soda gives you lice."
    "You're telling me lice see an innocent child in a dirty home drinking a sweet soda and they don't want in on that? Lice live for that. They're the pedophiles of the insect world." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E18)
  • ♫: Outkast – "Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E18)
  • "He's getting saner by the minute. In a month, he'll basically just be Frasier."
    "Don't use Frasier's name in vain." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E20)
  • "I don't understand. How can you teach screenwriting if you can't sell a script?" (The People v. O.J. Simpson, S01E09)
  • "We're in the South. Haven't you noticed the smell of mint julep and condescension?" (The People v. O.J. Simpson, S01E09)
  • "She reprimanded him for writing 'KKK' on a Martin Luther King poster." (The People v. O.J. Simpson, S01E09)
  • "This is my goddamn company. I built it from nothing, and I'll be damned if somebody gon' take me away from it."
    "Hey, Lucious. I'm down. [pulls out gun] 'kay? I mean, I am down. [pulls out another gun]" (Empire, S02E11)
  • "You can't have Hakeem, bitch."
    "I already did." (Empire, S02E11)
  • William sprinting away from Philip as soon as he realizes what's going on (The Americans, S04E02)
  • Philip spitting in William's eye (The Americans, S04E02)
  • "Pam, if a single one of these has left this building, I will personally sew you into a canvas bag full of rats and throw that bag into the river."
    "What river? It's a concrete slab!" (Archer, S07E01)
  • "And since the front of the house by the road is guarded 24/7, you're gonna have to go in from the rear."
    "No, you all took it for granted." (Archer, S07E01)
  • Sarah Palin 2012 shirt (Banshee, S04E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The People v. O.J. Simpson
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Sailing the Seas of Cheese

The Ridiculous Six, The Hateful Eight, and now…

Written by Nick Carter!

And also starring: Art Alexakis, Crazy Town's Shifty Shellshock, and Gerardo!

Idea: A prequel to Dead 7 starring members of Boyz II Men, New Kids on the Block, New Edition, and Menudo – Fear the Dead 7.



I'm not sure that a zombie lion on the loose is any more frightening than a live lion on the loose. What does undeadness add to uncaged predators?