I have a life, and it only goes in one direction

Whiplash found favor with audiences in Japan and South Korea, where the low-budget pic earned $5 million and $11.5 million, respectively. Perhaps J.K. Simmons' dictatorial music teacher character struck a chord with Asian fans who themselves endured a similarly strict pedagogical approach in their youths.


When Furious 7 snatched [China]'s all-time biggest box office crown in April and Jurassic World legged out to nearly the same heights as Ultron in June, the local market went into what one Western exec termed "a panic": Hollywood films were succeeding at a breakneck pace, while China had not had a movie of its own cross $150M since February. The traditional — and unofficial — summer blackout period was extended by several weeks to allow local fare to flourish and Hollywood to sit on the sidelines longer than in the past.

Monster Hunt, which was left in cinemas for about 60 days versus the 30 that Hollywood movies are allowed, beat F7's record on the Day 58.

In the wake of that, it was reported that screenings of Monster Hunt, as it limped to the finish line, were, as one person tells me, taking place every 15 minutes while empty but "sold out." The ticket fraud issue was raised. Producer Edko Pictures admitted to giving away $6.2M worth of tickets for "public welfare screenings" near the end of the film's run and acknowledged there were overnight and duplicate screenings. [source]

The king stay the king.

Annotated Live-Thog: Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Flamethrowers are underrated.

There's beginning a film in medias res, and then there's beginning a film with a main character turning face. Dare I say The Force Awakens could've used a prequel. Episode VII: New Order. Episode VIII: The Force Awakens.


Poe Dameron is a clunky name. His surname should be two syllables long – Poe Jackson. Poe Burnham.

Evidently, stormtroopers wear cargo pants under their armour.

Jon Wilcox: http://news.toyark.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2015/06/Star-Wars-Force-Awakens-Stormtrooper-Black-Series-004.jpg
Jon Wilcox: https://cdn1.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/ItlT-SO5e06E0KFOn4IbKGhYWSE=/cdn0.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/4178078/Star-Wars-The-Force-Awakens-Picture-John-Boyega-Daisy-Ridley.0.jpg
Jon Wilcox: where did his white boots/shoes go?
Jon Wilcox: or is the white just some kind of covering over weird velcro shoes
Jon Wilcox: also this is different
Jon Wilcox: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/81Vw%2BJLjIOL._SL1500_.jpg

Steven: how the hell they don't use clones is beyond me
Jon: practical effects

"That's miiiiine!!!"

^ That's Simon Pegg

A Star Trek Into Darkness snap zoom

Holy 3D!

"Droid, please"?

Finn's dialogue feels incongruous. I half-expected a Jesse Pinkman "Yeah, bitch!"

Finn is Jesse Pinkman, Han is Walter White, and…. KYLO FLYNN!

You cast the stars of The Raid/The Raid 2 as redshirts?!

^ Kanjiklub

I hope Donnie Yen is used better in Rogue One.

Thanos adjace.

Oh, it's a hologram.

If you've seen A New Hope, then The Force Awakens spoils itself. Same beats.

As soon as I learned that Han Solo is Kylo Ren's father, I knew that Han Solo was gonna die, and the amount of screen time that Harrison Ford received confirmed it. He's Episode VII's Obi-Wan Kenobi analogue.

I look forward to seeing ghost Han Solo, ghost Luke Skywalker, and ghost Kylo Ren at the end of Episode IX.

Is her name Rey or Reia? Asian Leia, heh.

Did they convert a planet into a Death Star or terraform a Death Star? Starkiller Ski Resort and Base.

Kyle: It's crazy to me that Finn has a big fight with an anonymous stormtrooper. Why is that not Phasma???

Venom C-3P0.

If the First Order has all but one section of the map, why not comb the missing section for Luke Skywalker?

Kylo Ren = "Break Stuff"
BB-8 = "Rollin'"
Finn = "Nookie"

Greg Grunberg is J.J. Abrams' Hector Elizondo.

Hey, Ken Leung!

Maz Kanata/Captain Phasma: Why motion-capture Lupita Nyong'o or suit up Gwendoline Christie to play a nothing character? At least Kylo Ren removes his helmet.

Daniel Craig plays the stormtrooper whose mind Rey tricks.

Oh, now R2-D2 awakens.

This trek up the island might outlast the Energizer.

Judah Friedlander was in the bar?

"BB-8 Voice Consultants: Bill Hader and Ben Schwartz" – Jean-Ralphio!

A version of this film in which Rey doesn't encounter BB-8, the TIE fighter that Poe and Finn nick doesn't crash, Poe retrieves BB-8, the Resistance finds Luke, and Luke is again the lead of the series. Daisy Ridley was a red herring.

Why is this Kylo Ren hoodie only for kids?

Adam Riff™ Clips of the Year

1. Nerds (Friends of the People, S01E10)
2. Christina (Worst Cooks in America, S06E01)
3. Fifty Shades of Grey (Togetherness, S01E01)
4. Nola vs. Burton (Banshee, S03E03)
5. Marshawn Lynch and Rob Gronkowski Play "Mortal Kombat X" With Conan O'Brien (Conan, 01-29-15)
6. The Oner (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E04)
7. The prosecution rests (Better Call Saul, S01E01)
8. 50 Shades of Gay (Portlandia, S05E07)
9. What Is Escrow? (Portlandia, S05E08)
10. Girlfriend University (Man Seeking Woman, S01E08)
11. Glow Stick Magic Trick (Troy, S02E01)
12. Virtual Insanity (Community, S06E02)
13. She picked a bad time (The Americans, S03E09)
14. Partners (Justified, S06E11)
15. The Interview (Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, 04-05-15)
16. Pooey Louie (Louie, S05E02)
17. Football Town Nights (Inside Amy Schumer, S03E01)
18. Black Widow: Age of Me (Saturday Night Live, S40E19)
19. The Guy From Jeff's Gym (Community, S06E09)
20. Adam Sandler's Musical Ode to David Letterman (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-12-15)
21. The End (Late Show with David Letterman, 05-20-15)
22. Adult 2.0 Keynote (Silicon Valley, S02E07)
23. WHITEWALKAZ!!!! (Game of Thrones, S05E08)
24. Blood on the dance floor (Penny Dreadful, S02E06)
25. Walk of Shame (Game of Thrones, S05E10)
26. Witness (True Detective, S02E01)
27. Jack vs. Hannibal 2 (Hannibal, S03E05)
28. Kaleidoscopic Lesbian Sex Scene (Hannibal, S03E06)
29. Point Pleasant Police Department (The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, 07-16-15)
30. Brock Lesnar confronts The Undertaker / The brawl between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker spills backstage (WWE Raw, 07-20-15)
31. Gene vs. The Falcon (Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, S01E08)
32. The Correspondents Say Goodbye (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 08-06-15)
33. Being a Little Person (Review, S02E03)
34. The Great Red Dragon bites Chilton's lips off (Hannibal, S03E12)
35. The Ballad of Ice-T (Rick and Morty, S02E05)
36. A Kingdom of Bullshit (Mr. Robot, S01E10)
37. Seth Rollins wanders around backstage yelling STING GIVE ME BACK MY STATUE, Xavier Woods plays the Final Fantasy victory fanfare on the trombone, The New Day engages in a trombone vs. kazoo battle with Edge and Christian, Big E tries to eat a kazoo, The Dudley Boyz show up (WWE Raw, 09-07-15)
38. At the Mercy of the Magic 8-Ball (Review, S02E08)
39. Ariana Grande's Death (Scream Queens, S01E01)
40. End of the Road (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
41. Guns (Saturday Night Live, S41E02)
42. Boogers and Cum (South Park, S19E04)
43. Man Zone (Nathan for You, S03E02)
44. Porn? (Nathan for You, S03E03)
45. Age Progression Specialist (Nathan for You, S03E04)
46. Brain Probe (The Knick, S02E05)
47. Calzone Cadaver (Nathan for You, S03E06)
48. Staple Gun (Getting On, S03E03)
49. Hostage (Fargo, S02E08)
50. Wedding Photo (Transparent, S02E01)
51. Self-Surgery (The Knick, S02E10)


52. Steve Harvey announces the wrong winner (Miss Universe, 12-20-15)

Stray Observations

  • Homeland Season Grade: D

Looking forward:

Comedies created by Louis CK and Steve Carell, and a drama from Mick Jagger starring Andrew "Dice" Clay.


How Soon Is Now?

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I am chuffed to present Backwash, a podcast by Adam Robot and I.

Episode 4:

1. "The Terminator" / Airport Spas / Lysol Wipes / Fruit
2. Crystal Pepsi / Frozen Surge / Mountain Dew-Flavoured Chicken Wings
3. Queueing for Star Wars / Cinemas
4. Sadako vs. Kayako / Herbie Hancock
5. Ellen's 12 Days of Giveaways

Pardon any popping on my end. I'm getting a $100 microphone to remedy it.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

51. Self-Surgery (The Knick, S02E10)

Honourable Mention

  • Surgery/Re-entry (The Last Man on Earth, S02E10)
  • "Hotline Bling" (American Horror Story, S05E10)
  • Ash vs. Ash (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S01E08)
  • Stadium Bathroom (F Is For Family, S01E03)

Stray Observations

  • "Technically, it's just carbonated fudge." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E10)
  • "Somebody's got a lot of business to attend to. Who are you, Barbara Corcoran?"

    "He didn't even make me one of the good sharks! I'm clearly Lori!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E10)
  • "And those farts Gina kept smelling…"
    "They were Ramon."
    "No, it was sewage."
    "And Ramon." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E10)
  • "Will you try to blow out a fart for me?"
    "Hey, bud, how 'bout a real quick fart? Just anything you got." (The Last Man on Earth, S02E10)
  • "There is no justice, but there is mercy, because that's what we can give to each other." (Getting On, S03E06)
  • Getting On Season Grade: C+
  • ♫: Black Sabbath – "War Pigs" (Fargo, S02E10)
  • "From this moment forward, I decree, no more schnitzel or strudel." (Fargo, S02E10)
  • "An act of cruelty, remember?" (Fargo, S02E10)
  • "In the morning, we journey home to bathe in that warm champagne that is corporate praise." (Fargo, S02E10)
  • "Camus says knowing we're gonna die makes life absurd."
    "Well, I don't know who that is, but I'm guessing he doesn't have a six year-old girl."
    "He's French."
    "Ugh, I don't care if he's from Mars. Nobody with any sense would say something that foolish. We're put on this earth to do a job, and each of us gets the time we get to do it. And when this life is over, and you stand in front of the Lord… Well, you try telling him it was all some Frenchman's joke." (Fargo, S02E10)
  • "Your husband, he said he was gonna protect his family no matter what, and I acted like I didn't understand, but…I do. It's the rock we all push – men. We call it our burden, but…it's really our privilege." (Fargo, S02E10)
  • RT: The Fargo finale had one hell of an Easter egg pointing back to s1 (Fargo, S02E10)
  • Fargo Season Grade: B+
  • "Cheekbones for days." (American Horror Story, S05E10)
  • "Mama smells appetizers." (American Horror Story, S05E10)
  • Iris' tribute video. (American Horror Story, S05E10)
  • "I wanted it to be a beacon of hope for my three followers on Instagram." (American Horror Story, S05E10)
  • The Knick Season Grade: C+
  • Robert Downey Sr. (Saturday Night Live, S41E09)
  • Patrice O'Neal character design (F Is For Family, S01E02)
  • Mohican Airlines ad (F Is For Family, S01E05)
  • Guest starring Joe Buck (F Is For Family, S01E05)
  • "Frank, this man earned this. Let him fuck on your car." (F Is For Family, S01E06)
  • F Is For Family Season Grade: D



J.J. Abrams shot at least one scene of [The Force Awakens] in full screen, 70mm IMAX, meaning IMAX is undoubtedly the best way to see the movie.

"As someone who really hasn't been the most vocal advocate of 3D, the strangest thing happened to me on this. I actually felt that there were things that were playing better in 3D. I had never felt that before. And if people have access to a theater that has laser projection, it is shockingly better."

Only 7 theaters in North America will be showing Star Wars with 3D IMAX Laser projection. There's AMC Metreon 16 & IMAX – San Francisco…


October 19

Fuck! Tickets went on sale while I was working out.

Metreon IMAX…

Welp, the only IMAX screening that's not sold out on Thursday or Friday is at 9:00am, and you can't reserve seats for it. [grumbling]

November 26

What time should I arrive to queue for a 9:00am screening? 4:00am?

6:00am was sufficient for an 8:00am screening of The Dark Knight Rises, but this is Star Wars.

Ugh. I am not looking forward to queueing.

December 14

Why isn't my screening listed among Friday showtimes?

Was I sold a ticket that should not have been sold? Did a tech company buy out my screening? I don't want to show up at 4:00am only to get bumped by, like, Salesforce employees.*

[calls AMC]

Okay, but if you de-list screenings that sell out, why is every other IMAX screening still listed?

Damn. The 5:15am screening that precedes mine sold out. Perhaps I should arrive at 3:00am? Ugh.

December 17

Gotta finish working out early today so I can not consume any liquids after 6:00pm so I won't, fingers crossed, have to pee during the film tomorrow.

Am I gonna get any sleep tonight?

Dehydrated and on no sleep – undoubtedly the best way to see the movie.

I think I can afford one 8oz Red Bull 10 minutes before the film begins.

* Apple bought out my screening of Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation in July, bumping me to a later screening.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

50. Wedding Photo (Transparent, S02E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Lao Ban Santa (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E10)
  • Chanel's missive to end all missives (Scream Queens, S01E12)

Stray Observations

  • "I hereby christen thee…Snackie Chan!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E09)
  • "You're what sneezes are!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E09)
  • "Damn, Neil DeGrasse Tyson!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E09)
  • "We are the nine thousand, two hundred, sixty-one. We are not spared." (The Leftovers, S02E10)
  • ♫: NOVA – "Kyabe Knights" (The Leftovers, S02E10)
  • The Leftovers Season Grade: B+
  • "Nobody wants to see another Paris." (Homeland, S05E10)
  • Martin Freeman narrating (Fargo, S02E09)
  • "It's just a flying saucer, hon. We got to go." (Fargo, S02E09)
  • "Okay then." (Fargo, S02E09)
  • "I thought Irishmen had potatoes. It looks like you're just smuggling some tater tots." (WWE Raw, 12-07-15)
  • "Werewolf pubes." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E01)
  • "A rolling stone gather no moss, but it do gather pubes." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E01)
  • Garrity Chinatown (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E01)
  • "Don't you switch my words."
    "I'll words you switch!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E01)
  • "Neon Joe is gonna be out of our pubes soon enough." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E01)
  • "All these white Santas are just Chinese Santa's Mitch-es." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E10)
  • "We can't give mom Tupac lyrics as her present." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E10)
  • "To all the relentless unwashed hoards on Twitter, who have taken every opportunity to mock and attack me mercilessly from the safety of their stained futons…" (Scream Queens, S01E12)
  • "I lost my virginity to a Nickelback song." (Scream Queens, S01E12)
  • "I'm gonna go disinvite Jerry Seinfeld from speaking at commencement. He told a joke about a woman once." (Scream Queens, S01E13)
  • "Couple that with my BJ lips.." (Scream Queens, S01E13)
  • Jesse Helms Stadium (Scream Queens, S01E13)
  • "I just don't understand how deep the hole's supposed to be."
    "Whore deep!" (Scream Queens, S01E13)
  • ♫: Martika – "Toy Soldiers" (Scream Queens, S01E13)
  • Deputized strippers (Scream Queens, S01E13)

(Scream Queens, S01E13)

  • "I remember that little girl's face in the bathroom that night. It's burned into my memory, like Joe Theismann's injury and '2 Girls 1 Cup.'" (Scream Queens, S01E13)
  • Scream Queens Season Grade: C-

(Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E02)

  • "I'd like to hear a little bit about it about it." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E02)
  • "You're jealous of a goldfish? A daily chore that ends in heartbreak?" (Black-ish, S02E10)
  • "What is PC but a verbal form of gentrification?" (South Park, S19E09)
  • South Park Season Grade: C+
  • "Ooh, you smell good. What is that, McDonald's?" (The League, S07E13)
  • Old Nick Kroll is Larry David (The League, S07E13)
  • The League Season Grade: D
  • You're the Worst Season Grade: C-
  • "Goddamn Hulu." (American Horror Story, S05E09)

(Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E03)

  • Nathan For You Season Grade: A-
  • Convincing gumbo (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E04)
  • "Your last name Willis?"
    "No, why?"
    "'Cause right about now, I feel like saying, 'What'chu talkin' 'bout, Bruce?'" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E04)

Penile guillotine + dignity cap (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E04)

Barrett having sex with a giant hacky sack (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E04)

  • The Amazing Race Season Grade: D-
  • "Put my Iwo in your Jima." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E05)
  • "I'll never forget how you move your body to reggae." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S01E05)
  • Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter Season Grade: C
  • "She's a filing cabinet with a hairdo." (Transparent, S02E01)
  • ♫: Alice Boman – "Waiting" (Transparent, S02E01)
  • ♫: LCD Soundsystem – "Dance Yrself Clean" (Transparent, S02E02)
  • "Canter's cole slaw, the best." (Transparent, S02E07)
  • Transparent Season Grade: C


Edit the Sad Parts

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I am chuffed to present Backwash, a podcast by Adam Robot and I.

Episode 3:

1. "99 Bottles of Beer"
2. T-shirt Designs / Creativity
3. The Perils of the Long-Tail Single / Lil BUB's Album / Jon Benjamin's Jazz Album
4. 2016 Superhero Film Preview
5. Corbin Bernsen's Snow Globe Collection / Film Soundtracks / Vin Diesel

Note: We recorded this before the latest Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice trailer dropped.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

49. Hostage (Fargo, S02E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Hanzee's not gonna take it anymore (Fargo, S02E08)
  • What's happened to South Park is happening everywhere (South Park, S19E09)
  • Joey Ryan and Danshoku Dino (Highly Questionable, 12-03-15)
  • Red and blue (Nathan For You, S03E07)
  • Santa Baby (Saturday Night Live, S41E07)

Stray Observations

  • "Want a baby carrot? You can't cry while you eat them. It's impossible." (The Leftovers, S02E09)
  • ♫: Sturgill Simpson – "The Promise" (The Leftovers, S02E09)
  • "Here he is, Reuben Sidsey, author of the book Anus." (Getting On, S03E04)
  • Dawn's Jackie O outfit (Getting On, S03E04)
  • "It's just a cheap attempt to rob me of my research, take my crown based on stolen and invented stool." (Getting On, S03E04)
  • "You stole 11 of my feces."
    "Oh, no such thing."
    "Waxy, wavy… I was the first to record waxy and wavy, and string bean, and nuggets." (Getting On, S03E04)
  • Mr. Freeze! (Gotham, S02E11)
  • "Can't live with them, can't turn them into cat food." (Fargo, S02E08)
  • "Consulting with a fortune teller is something a lot of Chinese people do, like using the dishwasher as a drying rack or not saying 'please.'" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E09)
  • Anachronistic DMX celebrity (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E09)
  • "There is no such thing as a best friend. That's just something Hello Kitty made up to sell more Hello Kitty." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E09)
  • "What do you recommend between the lamp chops and foie gras?"
    "Oooh, well, I mean, one's a murdered baby, the other one's a tortured adult." (Grandfathered, S01E09)
  • RT: Is there an Emmy for Casting Timothy Olyphant they can give THE GRINDER for casting Timothy Olyphant (The Grinder, S01E09)
  • "Are you hitting that?" (Empire, S02E10)
  • "Is you is or is you ain't my Mimi?" (Empire, S02E10)
  • "That fluffy couch really swallows you up. It's like sleeping on Precious." (Black-ish, S02E09)
  • "I'm all for supporting a dreamer. I am. I mean, I donated to Joe Lieberman." (Black-ish, S02E09)
  • "Seems like I made a perfectly understandable homonym error." (Black-ish, S02E09)
  • "You've got a French week." (Black-ish, S02E09)
  • Ex Machina parody (South Park, S19E09)
  • "Puerto Rico has the sluttiest birds." (The League, S07E12)
  • "Possums are basically rodent pomegranates." (The League, S07E12)
  • "She's just staring at nothing."
    "Just like one of them Peaky Blinders."
    "Okay, I haven't watched it yet. Jacqueline got us watching Rectify." (You're the Worst, S02E12)
  • "For most women, nails are the main way they can express to others what colour they like the most." (Nathan For You, S03E07)

Nathan has a Tom DeLonge motivational poster in his office (Nathan For You, S03E07)

  • Nathan's Asian accent (Nathan For You, S03E07)
  • "Folks at the hospital are smothered in your seed." (Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, S02E02)
  • Death by deli slicer (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S01E06)
  • Kyle Mooney's physique (Saturday Night Live, S41E07)


Breathing is the hardest thing to do

The two biggest American shows in Argentina this year are The Simpsons and ER. They're gonna love American Crime Story.

What's up with Poland?

True Justice… The Steven Seagal show?!

Mexico: Nine children's shows and Criminal Minds.

Live-Thog: Creed

Ice Cube and the cast of Black-ish.

Kevin Hart and The Rock.

Ice Cube and Kevin Hart.

Has Kevin Hart ever toplined a film by himself?

Young Adonis is young Andre on Empire.

The Creed house is tacky.

Avon and Wallace!

Heh. The Warriors are beating the Clippers by 27.

Rocky's mittens:

How many people are gonna do pull-ups on the Schuylkill Banks Boardwalk's pergolas now?

Nice oner.

Skyfall and chill.

Bianca's music kinda sucks.

Why is Mary Anne Creed's television tuned to ESPN? Was she watching Around the Horn?

Heh. Tebow, Tiger, and LeBron are PTI topics.

Idea: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, but with the Mexicans who work at Rocky's restaurant.

Adonis found the cancer pamphlets too quickly.

The music supervisor doubled down on Meek!

Stallone: "Fuck this chemo hair make-up. I'm just gonna wear a beanie for the rest of the film."

Ricky Conlan is Bray Wyatt.

Ricky Conlan is The Undertaker.

Ricky Conlan got a loaf of bread.

Coogler is emptying his stylistic flourish playbook.

Is that swollen eye make-up?

How has Adonis not been to the steps before? One of his first stops in Philadelphia was the Rocky statue, which is right next to the steps!

A post-credits scene in which Ivan Drago enters the Front Street Gym.

Creed 2: Adonis fights Ivan Drago's son Anton (Kristaps Porzingis), who Ivan raised like Marv Marinovich raised Todd Marinovich.

Idea: A reboot of Bad Boys starring Michael B. Jordan and Drake.