Eater's Digest: Toronto 3

Previously on Adam Riff™:

September 2015
peoples eatery / my market bakery / dailo / kekou gelato house / banh mi boys / lucky red / r&d / bar fancy / chantecler / electric mud / grand electric / smoke's burritorie / sweet jesus / momofuku daishō / otto's berlin döner / nomnomnom crepes / little nicky's coffee / jelly modern doughnuts / rasa / junked food co. / alo / seventh sister bakery / fresco's fish and chips / moonbeam coffee / burrito boyz / kanpai snack bar

Fried Watermelon (Dailo)
bean sprouts, basil leaves, pickled melon rind, pork floss

Yeah… Not a fan of hot watermelon. Interesting mix of Chinese, Thai, and Vietnamese flavours, though.

Mapo "Doufu" Halloumi (Dailo)
montforte halloumi, ground pork, grilled scallions, black bean chili sauce, fried chillies, garlic

Mapo tofu with cheese in place of tofu.

Roasted Oolong Tea Gelato (Kekou Gelato House)
Whiskey Green Tea Gelato (Kekou Gelato House)

Asian gelato? Asian gelato.


Nacho Koreano (Lucky Red)
pork dumpling, kimchi salsa

Each chip is a deep-fried pork dumpling.

Duck Gravy Poutine (Lucky Red)
kimchi, duck skin crackling

Ram n' Cheese (Lucky Red)
gruyere, aged cheddar, panko

I wasn't sure what this was. A variation on a croque monsieur? A: Mac and cheese with ramen in place of macaroni.

S'mores Bao (Lucky Red)

Shiitake Polenta Fries (R&D)
mushroom ketchup

True 8 Toasties (R&D)
tomato confit, 5-spice goat cheese, hk iconic vinegar, candied yuzu
—Like bruschetta.

Poutine (R&D)
mapo style bean curd

Banana Split (R&D)
crispy banana fritter; sour cherry, condensed milk and peanut butter, malted milk ice creams; coconut cream, macerated strawberries

While I dug the mushroom ketchup and malted milk ice cream, this was some disappointing neo-Asian fare. The potatoes in the poutine were off-puttingly firm.


Red Star Punch (R&D)
oolong infused beefeater gin, hawthorn, mandarin, lemon, shanghai rhubarb bitters

Oolong-infused gin. Okay…

5 Spice Dark 'n Stormy Cocktail (Dailo)
chinese 5 spice infused gosling's rum, lime, ginger beer

Ichi-Go Ichi-E (Dailo)
nori infused bowmore 12 whisky, lillet, roasted barley tea

Chinese five spice-infused rum? Nori-infused whisky?

510 Caesar (R&D)
black garlic and chinese mushroom infused absolut vodka, r&d chili sauce, hoisin infused worcestershire, lapsang tincture, mott's clamato

Black garlic and chinese mushroom-infused vodka with hoisin-infused Worcestershire sauce!

Sichuan Maple Old Fashioned (R&D)
roast duck infused lot no. 40 whisky, shishito bitters, sichuan maple syrup, orange zest


The vodka in the 510 Caesar is now infused with black truffle too.

Trying too hard.

Veal and Lamb Döner (Otto's Berlin Döner)

Fish and Chips – Extra Crisp Batter (Fresco's Fish and Chips)
Fish battered in Miss Vickie's sea salt and malt vinegar chips.

Buttermilk Biscuits (Momofuku Daishō)
black pepper butter, chili honey

The best thing that I have ever eaten at one of David Chang's restaurants is…biscuits.

Everything Bun (Momofuku Daishō)
smoked whitefish, crème fraiche, horseradish, red onion, fried capers

Yet another Asian spin on a Jewish deli bagel.

Nanaimo Bar Doughnut (Jelly Modern Doughnuts)
raised doughnut, dark chocolate ganache dip, nanaimo bar fill, nanaimo crust crumble

I wanted to love it, Nanaimo bar fiend that I am, but it just tasted like a chocolate doughnut.

Mini Doughnuts (Little Nicky's Coffee)
Made fresh-to-order and covered in a blend of powdered sugar and cinnamon.

The Chopped Salad (Rasa)
vegetables, quinoa, jalapeño feta, harissa chickpeas

Caprese Fish (Rasa)
albacore tuna, tomato confit, basil sauce, dehydrated olive, crispy padano

Both spoke softly but carried a big stick.

"Popcorn Chicken" (Rasa)
= sweetbreads.

Whack Mac (Junked Food Co.)
white chocolate, brie, mozzarella, doritos, sage, macaroni, kentucky ketchup

I braced for the worst, but it didn't taste like anything.

Pulled Pork Smash (Junked Food Co.)
lettuce, tomato, onion, cheddar, olives, jalapeño, sour cream, chili sauce, dr. pepper pulled pork, jolly rancher bbq sauce, slaw, pickle

I wasn't prepared for a base of COOL RANCH Doritos, and its Dr. Pepper pulled pork + Jolly Rancher BBQ sauce was too sweet for me.

Frozen Doughnut (Junked Food Co.)
With random toppings. Mine was topped with Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Nerds, and chocolate drizzle.

Crispy Crunch and Nutella Pizza (Junked Food Co.)

Presidential Sweet Specialty Soft Serve Cone (Sweet Jesus)
sour green apple, caramel sauce, salted pretzel, toffee bits, vanilla ice cream

The queue for Sweet Jesus always stretched out the door when I passed by.

Low-Fat Superhero Ice Cream (Some place in the Eaton Centre)

Play-Doh Man.

Alo is reportedly the best restaurant in Toronto, and the best new restaurant in Canada. Tasting menu only.

As I did not have a reservation, the maître d' refused to let me try the tasting menu, so I sat down at the bar and ordered the entire bar menu.

The bar menu was hit or miss, highlighted by:

Complimentary Bar Snack (Alo)
Various nuts (peanuts, almonds, et cetera) candied and each variety seasoned with a different spice (fennel, coriander, et cetera), then tossed with popcorn, puffed wild rice, quinoa, and buckwheat in glucose, and baked.

Tartare (Alo)
jalapeño, radishes

and a stainless steel spoon-straw in my drink. All drinks should be served with stainless steel straws.

Taiwanese Fried Chicken (Kanpai Snack Bar)
deep-fried chicken smothered in taiwanese spices with a mix of fresh toppings

This fried chicken takes a while to arrive, but it is totally worth the wait. The crispiest fried chicken that I have ever eaten.

Taipei Tater Slaw (Kanpai Snack Bar)
julienned potato tossed in a spicy szechuan peppercorn dressing

An odd, but addictive raw potato dish.

Wow Bao (Kanpai Snack Bar)
deep fried bao bullion with yin yang of spicy nutella and pop rock condensed milk


Piggie Smalls (Kanpai Snack Bar)
small chunks of pork belly, deep fried and tossed with secret spices

Edamame Said Knock You Out (Kanpai Snack Bar)
flash fried edamame tossed with sweet soy, butter, and garlic chips

Skee-Lo Salad (Kanpai Snack Bar)
shrimp and avocado in a taiwanese honey vinaigrette, topped with crushed peanuts

Colonel Tso's Chicken and Waffle (R&D)
hong kong egg waffle, kung pao sauce, sichuan maple syrup

Corndog Muffins (The Dock Ellis Sports Bar)
cheese, andouille sausage, honey, smokey mustard

Tipsy Oreos (Junked Food Co.)
Alcohol-infused cookies.

(Chippy's Fish and Chips)


Our Band Is Crisis

Written by, directed by, and co-starring Darren Doane.

Darren Doane… That name sounds familiar.

[looks up "Darren Doane" on Wikipedia]

Ah. He directed Blink-182's videos for "Dammit" and "Josie," as well as videos for Guttermouth and Pennywise.

From Guttermouth and Pennywise to Saving Christmas and The Free Speech Apocalypse.

Jon: Who is our generation's Kirk Cameron? Like, a total lost cause.
Rory: Tom DeLonge.

You know those videos of children reacting to old gadgets and video games and shit?

I wonder how Ace Ventura: Pet Detective plays to millennials. How do they react to Jim Carrey decontaminating himself after realizing that he kissed a transgender woman?

Clintons, Patriots, OJ

After Ted's opening weekend.

After Ted 2's opening weekend.


Weed man informs Justin that his appendix burst.

Justin: Sorry.

Idea: A parody of Adele's "Hello" that begins Mulder, it's me.

Idea: A joint set by Will Smith's family at Coachella – Will, Jaden, Willow, and Jada's shitty metal band. If The Smiths won't re-unite, then unite the Smiths.

I just now realized that Will and Jada named their children after themselves.

Also just this year, I realized that Waymond Womano on Workaholics is Ray Romano with "W"s.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

43. Man Zone (Nathan for You, S03E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Angel hair? That's the least scary pasta." (Bob's Burgers, S06E03)
  • "Who wants to be a Yoda?" (The Simpsons, S27E04)
  • "Grown-up Halloween seemed pretty fun."
    "I saw an areola!" (The Simpsons, S27E04)
  • "We only solve misdemeanors, wieners." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E04)
  • "Women love planning parties. It's in the Bible." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E04)
  • "Not today, nibs!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E04)
  • "This preamble is making me nibby." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E04)
  • Eating raw turtle (The Walking Dead, S06E02)
  • "Who wants a hug?" (The Leftovers, S02E03)
  • ♫: Tangled Eye – "Jesus I'm Calling" (The Leftovers, S02E03)
  • "Cheese will make you feel better." (The Last Man on Earth, S02E04)
  • "Their friendship is worth way more than this cheese." (The Last Man on Earth, S02E04)
  • The Merc, the warehouse where all the local criminals buy their weapons (Gotham, S02E05)
  • "Can we get a price check on brass knuckles in toxic green?" (Gotham, S02E05)
  • ♫: Burl Ives – "One Hour Ahead of the Posse" (Fargo, S02E02)
  • ♫: Jeff Wayne – "The Eve of War" (Fargo, S02E02)
  • "Enjoy your childhood, because when you grow up, the world will be out of water." (Grandfathered, S01E04)
  • "I love Space Mountain, but I love my penis more." (Scream Queens, S01E06)
  • A quartering! (The Bastard Executioner, S01E07)
  • Jake Tapper (Empire, S02E05)
  • "The only commandments I want followed here are mine." (Empire, S02E05)
  • "You're asking me to come and watch somebody dunk you in tap water." (Empire, S02E05)
  • "We're CEO churchgoers at best."
    "What does that mean?"
    "Christmas and Easter only." (Black-ish, S02E05)
  • "I don't want to go to a place worse than hell. I've already been to a WNBA game." (Black-ish, S02E05)
  • "God's everywhere – except WNBA games. Nobody goes to those." (Black-ish, S02E05)
  • "Is it crazy that this is one of the best Sundays I've had in a while? I mean, ever since Jack made me give up those WNBA tickets." (Black-ish, S02E05)
  • WNBA joke overkill (Black-ish, S02E05)
  • Bernie Madoff swindled Lady Gaga (American Horror Story, S05E03)
  • ♫: The Jesus and Mary Chain – "Just Like Honey" (American Horror Story, S05E03)
  • ♫: The Cure – "Siamese Twins" (American Horror Story, S05E03)
  • "No pity party in my bar!" (American Horror Story, S05E03)
  • Denis O'Hare referencing Lawrence Harvey, his character in S01 (American Horror Story, S05E03)
  • Chris Geere's pronunciation of "hakuna matata" (You're the Worst, S02E07)

(Nathan for You, S03E02)

The gun shop clerk's text tone is the "uh oh" notification noise from ICQ (Nathan for You, S03E02)

Flying scarecrow (Nathan for You, S03E02)

  • "As the evening fog rolled in over the Malibu hills, I couldn't help but feel like it might just be the white breath of God opening his mouth to say, 'Nice work.'" (Nathan for You, S03E02)

(Nathan for You, S03E02)

(Nathan for You, S03E02)

  • "Virginity is a man's idea, meant to shame." (The Knick, S02E02)



[Tim Allen curious grunt]

Amid the bustling world of Central Oregon's wild mushroom hunting camps, the lives of two former soldiers intersect. [source]


A 75-year-old sniper with the US Special Forces in Vietnam and a 46-year-old platoon leader of Cambodia's Khmer Freedom Fighters come together each fall to hunt the elusive matsutake mushroom, a rare mushroom prized in Japanese culture and cuisine.

Told over the course of one matsutake mushroom season…

Unsabotage our shared, competitive, free market!

SMH, Oregon.

The West Coast: We hate gluten, but we looove corn syrup!

Look at Arizona being cultured.

Toblerone, to me, is an old people candy, like Werther's. Toblerone is what you eat when no other snacks are left in a hotel mini-bar.

Oreos are not candy?

Appalachia: Swedish Fish, Oreos, Whoppers, and Candy Corn – yeesh.

Vermont and New Hampshire: The Oregon of New England.

Jon: I think this is the year that I finally distribute candy canes to trick-or-treaters.
Jon: K-Cups are too expensive.

Rory: You should distribute candy canes dressed as the Easter Bunny.
Jon: Heh.

Jon: Do red, white, and blue candy canes exist?
Rory: Probably. Or just mix in Hanukkah candy canes.
Rory: Or distribute candy hearts.
Rory: Then erect a Halloween display for Christmas.

Jon: Patriotic nativity scene: Jefferson, Lincoln, and Roosevelt as the Magi. Washington as Joseph. Lady Liberty as Mary. Jesus clothed in army fatigues.
Rory: Decorate the barn with a Fathead of Brett Favre.
Jon: Uncle Sam-ta with a sack full of guns riding a mobility scooter being pulled by bald eagles.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

42. Boogers and Cum (South Park, S19E04)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "I want people to think I'm spicy and fun and dangerous."
    "Like a bullet made of chorizo?" (Bob's Burgers, S06E02)
  • "'See you soon, baboon.' Wait, spice it up. 'See you soon, bitch.' Too spicy, too spicy." (Bob's Burgers, S06E02)

(Bob's Burgers, S06E02)

  • "How do you explain this? I found it in your room."
    "A bandana – flair for your microphone stand? [gasps] You're joining Aerosmith!" (Bob's Burgers, S06E02)
  • "Oh my god, they're fife-ing toward us!" (Bob's Burgers, S06E02)
  • "It's not harassment unless you can prove intent to fart." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E03)
  • "This one says 'die pig,' and worst of all, they didn't put the comma between 'die' and 'pig.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E03)
  • "We'll do it live." (The Walking Dead, S06E01)
  • Mary Steenburgen has now played both Will Ferrell's mother and his lover (The Last Man on Earth, S02E03)
  • "Just as I was about to become yet another canyon handstand statistic…" (The Last Man on Earth, S02E03)
  • "This is him dead. And this is him dead closer. This is Tandy dead as close as I could bear to draw." (The Last Man on Earth, S02E03)
  • Tandy shooting Skittles out of his nose, trying to land them in a top hat (The Last Man on Earth, S02E03)
  • "I want you to… 'I'm gonna burn your fucking pricks off, you pieces of shit.'"
    "'Burn your dicks off.' I'm saying 'dicks,' is that all right?"
    "You should say 'pricks.'"
    "Why do you like 'pricks' better than 'dicks'?" (Project Greenlight, S04E05)
  • Vic Mackey forming a strike team (Gotham, S02E04)
  • "You're the comic in a piece of bubble gum." (Fargo, S02E01)
  • ♫: Fargo's showrunner covering the Sirens' song in O Brother, Where Art Thou? (Fargo, S02E01)
  • "Cream of pork? In the summer?"
    "It was chilled!" (Grandfathered, S01E03)
  • Jeremy Lin (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E04)

(Fresh Off the Boat, S02E04)

  • Orange Is the New Black (Scream Queens, S01E05)
  • "Spit-roasting you caused my brother and I to fall in love with you. Neither of us are content with sharing you anymore."
    "You need to choose one of us."
    "Pick a side of the Eiffel Tower." (Scream Queens, S01E05)
  • "You shouldn't worry about me. I'm like black Die Hard." (Scream Queens, S01E05)
  • Oakland nachos = chocolate syrup drizzled on tortilla chips? (Scream Queens, S01E05)
  • "I must confess, I am more legend than lore." (The Bastard Executioner, S01E06)
  • "How'd you get in here?"
    "What are you talking about? I slept in the guest room with the twins." (Empire, S02E04)
  • "What is that?"
    "It's your basic corpse detection system." (Empire, S02E04)

Hey, it's where I lived during college! (Modern Family, S07E04)

  • "Basically, it's [Father's Day] the Hanukkah of Mother's Day." (Black-ish, S02E04)
  • "If we cannot sell this idea stateside, how on Earth are we gonna sell Ramadad?" (Black-ish, S02E04)
  • "Yelling is caring." (Black-ish, S02E04)
  • "But the street parking wasn't that great. Two-and-a-half stars." (South Park, S19E04)
  • Chloë Sevigny's stern lecture to an anti-vaxxer mother (American Horror Story, S05E02)
  • The Shining much? (Scream Queens, S01E05 / American Horror Story, S05E02)
  • "Ponchos are forever." (American Horror Story, S05E02)
  • "What a glorious stain." (American Horror Story, S05E02)
  • "You know what I can't wait for? To hunt Kendall Jenner. Bitch blew me off once at Coachella." (American Horror Story, S05E02)
  • The Countess dancing (American Horror Story, S05E02)

(American Horror Story, S05E02)

  • "We'll figure it out together. We both aren't in relationships. We don't have a love life."
    "That's true."
    "So you have time to do this." (Nathan for You, S03E01)
  • "In my efforts to take down Best Buy, I became the worst guy." (Nathan for You, S03E01)
  • Larry David as Bernie Sanders (Saturday Night Live, S41E03)


Fetty Ruxpin

A Will Ferrell-themed bar called Stay Classy just opened in New York City.

The space at 174 Rivington Street is decked out with posters of Ferrell's movies and portraits of the actor. The bar will host an Anchorman-themed Halloween party and an Elf holiday celebration later this year. [source]

How can you be a Will Ferrell-themed bar and not have a plum cocktail with a bluish hue?

So now there is a bar in New York City themed after Will Ferrell, and a restaurant in San Francisco named after a Will Ferrell film.

Idea: A MacGruber-themed "escape the room" attraction.

Will Ferrell's next three films, as listed on IMDb:

Tom's Dad
A dad tries to re-connect with his estranged 12-year-old son.

The House
A dad starts an illegal casino in his basement after he and his wife spend their daughter's college fund.

Daddy's Home
A step-dad's life is turned upside down when his step-kids' father comes back into their life.

High-Value Millennial Male

John Carpenter headlining a music festival #welcometo2016

Your move, Coachella.

This is Trent Reznor in 10 years, right? Quake, Lost Highway, The Social Network, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Call of Duty: Black Ops II, Gone Girl

Topical Halloween costumes are the lowest form of humour.

I think the Burger King Kids Club Gang would be a nifty group Halloween costume.

An oral history of why there was no Asian kid in this seemingly very inclusive gang. All they had to do was colour the nerd's hair black!

In a 2015 incarnation of this gang, Kid Vid would be wearing an Oculus Rift, Snaps would be Snapchats, Boomer would be riding a "hoverboard," and either Jaws or Lingo would be gay.

Rory: 2015 Burger King Kids Club Gang:

Hold on to me like a parasite or an endless fever dream

Marc Summers: When we tested physical challenges, all of our inside jokes became sexual. Everything became a dick joke. "If you do this, the fountain will erupt," y'know? It got ridiculously filthy. We never said "penis," "vagina," or "cum," or anything in front of the kids. But when we looked at each other, or got over to a corner, it was, "Look at that gigantic penis! It looks like a mountain just cumming!"

Summers: They initially wanted Soupy Sales to [host]. I was told they had offered the job to Dana Carvey on the same night he got the SNL offer. He took SNL.

We were up in the writers' suite. We looked out this window, and there was this huge slice of Swiss cheese being carried across the street. We said, "What are we doing?"

Summers: The worst thing that ever happened to me was when I was playing a theme park in San Jose, and I would always go through the audience and pick out people, just spontaneously. So I'm doing the show on Saturday, and there's a grown-up, like in his 30s, wearing this gigantic swastika around his neck. So I'm doing the first show at 1 o'clock, and he's jumping up and down — "Marc, pick me! Pick me!" — I don't pick him.

The second show, I go out, and he's in the same seat somehow, jumping up and down with his flapping swastika — "Marc, pick me!" — and I didn't do it. When I come back for the Sunday shows he's in the front row, and I don't pick him. He stands on his chair and yells, "You dirty fucking Jew! I'm going to kill you, you motherfucker! I come here for three shows and you don't pick me?!"

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

41. Guns (Saturday Night Live, S41E02)

Stray Observations

  • This Is England '90 Season Grade: B-
  • "I'll bet you don't even like nip slips!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E02)
  • "Once again Scully's butt is the downfall of this precinct." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E01)
  • "I can learn to love nip slips." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E02)
  • Fear the Walking Dead Season Grade: D+
  • For your consideration: Kevin Carroll (The Leftovers, S02E01)
  • Darius McCrary and Mark Linn-Baker – TGIF-overs (The Leftovers, S02E01)
  • ♫: Accordion "Informer" (The Last Man on Earth, S02E02)
  • Will Ferrell (The Last Man on Earth, S02E02)
  • "Oh, farts." (The Last Man on Earth, S02E02)

(The Last Man on Earth, S02E02)

(Cutthroat Kitchen, S09E08)

  • The Strain Season Grade: D
  • "Being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets." (Rick and Morty, S02E10)
  • "The whole planet's on a cob!" (Rick and Morty, S02E10)
  • ♫: Nine Inch Nails – "Hurt" (Rick and Morty, S02E10)
  • Rick and Morty Season Grade: B
  • "Shyamalan…" (Grandfathered, S01E02)
  • "Shaquila." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E03)
  • "There are worse situations to be in, right?"
    "Like AIDS, you mean?" (The Grinder, S01E02)
  • "I don't understand what you're getting at. Are you on bath salts?" (Scream Queens, S01E04)
  • "I refuse to die hungry." (Scream Queens, S01E04)
  • "Ain't no toppin' me…pause." (Empire, S02E03)
  • "What would you say is your favourite crab-based saying?" (Black-ish, S02E03)
  • "Profession listed as 'Oscar blogger.'" (American Horror Story, S05E01)

(American Horror Story, S05E01)

  • ♫: She Wants Revenge (American Horror Story, S05E01)
  • Hidden Tetris and candy room (American Horror Story, S05E01)
  • ♫: "Hotel California" (American Horror Story, S05E01)
  • Evidently, DraftKings paid for a whole season of product placement (The League, S07E05)
  • The burp king of Westchester (The League, S07E05)
  • "Jimmy, you're not writing recaps, are you?"
    "Oh, Jimmy, are you grading this episode?" (You're the Worst, S02E05)
  • "Ugh, that sausage wallet. I hope she gets pregnancy 'roids and they leave her bedridden and I have to raise her baby myself. I'd parent the shit out of her. 'Wear that skirt. Don't blow that boy. This is pizza.'" (You're the Worst, S02E05)

(You're the Worst, S02E05)

  • "I didn't even get to see the cool parts of Iraq. I was in Fallujah, which is basically their San Diego." (You're the Worst, S02E05)



In the same old haunts I still find my friends


Had me a swell birthday in my favourite place on Earth. Ate a Nanaimo bar for breakfast, ran the 9 km portion of the seawall around Stanley Park, saw a grey whale in English Bay while running, ate dinner at the second best restaurant in Canada. Didn't have time to walk the Nanaimo Bar Trail, though. Next visit.

Cooler tree in Vancouver: The oak tree rooted above the top floor penthouse at Eugenia Place or the Trans Am Totem?

Cooler homeless person I encountered in Vancouver: The one with a sign noting "two pet male rats" or the one with no legs and a rabbit in his lap?

Insite is the only legal supervised drug injection site in North America, located at 139 East Hastings Street, in the Downtown Eastside (DTES) neighbourhood of Vancouver, British Columbia. [source]

It's like parents supervising underage drinking, but for heroin.

I passed a marijuana dispensary in the East Village with a claw machine containing marijuana-related prizes.

578 Carrall is the Dr. Sun Yat-Sen Classical Chinese Garden.

This one-of-a-kind experience is inspired by the gruesome stories of Judge Dee: China's Sherlock Holmes. [source]

When you have to tell an inquisitive U.S. border protection officer that your day job involves reforming America's immigration system.

Fantasy Has Come 2 Seatown

While waiting to board my flight to Seattle, a husky dude sat down beside me and pulled out his mobile. I looked over and…

Is he using Grindr?

Yes, yes he is.

Also my flight to Seattle was a husky ginger wearing a Macklemore shirt.

And husky dude wearing a tilted top hat makes three.

While exiting the aircraft, I noticed that husky dude wearing a tilted top hat was also wearing a dog collar.


Tony: When I was in Copenhagen, Allison and I ate this fancy restaurant.
Jon: Uhh…
Tony: Not Noma. It was a spin-off.

Tony: Allison ordered a dish that featured bone foam, which friends later pointed out sounds like jizz.

Tony: E.T. bone foam.

Tony: Jane and her neighbour did not get along. Before Jane left, she peed on her neighbour's welcome mat. She wanted to poop on it, but if she peed on it, then her neighbour would be crazy, not her.

Our uberX driver turned the radio on as we approached downtown Seattle and "Downtown" by Macklemore was playing. I thought of husky ginger.

Idea: A Mountain Dew-themed amusement park. Each ride is named after a flavour of Mountain Dew – Baja Blast, Code Red, Live Wire, Voltage…

Mike Kelly's height shocked me.

Was he this tall when we first met? Is he somehow still growing?

Chris: Is Pete Davidson master robot on SNL?
Jon: What?
Chris: Is Pete Davidson master robot on SNL?

Is he having a stroke?

OH. He thinks Pete Davidson looks like Rami Malek. Should I inform him that "master robot" is actually Christian Slater?

FanDuel and DraftKings are illegal in Washington state, so Washingtonians are bombarded with ads for nothing. It's kinda like Sonic [Drive-In].

Jon: You lived in Southern California for 30 years and buy a convertible after moving to Seattle?

Elizabeth: Initially, I thought "no firearms" signs in restaurants were a joke, but Washington is an open carry state. Thing is, firearms are only illegal in the bar area of a restaurant. You can carry in the rest of the restaurant – where alcohol is also served.
Jon: So if you have a hit out on you in this state, don't sit at the bar when dining out.

UCLA always loses when I'm in Seattle.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

40. End of the Road (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)

Honourable Mention

  • The Last Supper (The Is England '90, S01E03)
    [shot in two takes, the first of which was half an hour long]
  • Salt Lake City Sneaker Fetishist (True Life: My Fetish Is Ruining My Life)
  • CtPaTown Ad (South Park, S19E03)

Stray Observations

  • ♫: Evangelist – "Whirlwind of Rubbish" (The Is England '90, S01E03)
  • "We've uploaded police academy to your brain – the movies and the actual training."
    "They are funny, except for 5." (Bob's Burgers, S06E01)
  • "He and mom are hitting it off like peanut butter and Jerry. You know, the kid from school who has peanut butter every day? Jerry?" (Bob's Burgers, S06E01)
  • "Oooh. I just got the weirdest feeling inside."
    "Could be salmonella. That's what most weird feelings inside are."
    "No, it's like, uhh, something got on the wrong track a long time ago."
    "It could also be diarrhea." (Bob's Burgers, S06E01)
  • "Hi. Gina Linetti, the human form of the 100 emoji." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E01)
  • "No, Madeline, I don't have my own pigeon pants." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E01)
  • "Let's blow some tiny minds." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E01)
  • Atticus Ross getting a main title theme credit for one note (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E05)
  • "I'm an addict."
    "No, you are a heroin addict. That's the gold standard. Don't sell yourself short." (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E05)
  • "What part of 'I'm setting my gems' do you not understand?" (The Last Man on Earth, S02E01)
  • Phil blasting M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" in the car with the song's gunshot samples drowning out Carol's actual gunshots (The Last Man on Earth, S02E01)
  • "Today, I made for you Far East China Sesame Chicken. It's no vegetable because they so poor in far east China." (Cutthroat Kitchen, S09E07)
  • ♫: Tony! Toni! Toné! – "Feels Good" (Rick and Morty, S02E09)
  • "Four lunatics and Barbara?" (Gotham, S02E02)
  • Edward Nygma Stefan Urquelle-ing (Gotham, S02E02)
  • "I'm a 50-year-old bachelor. We're society's most worthless people." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
  • "That's the saddest sentence I've ever heard. It's like a poem." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
  • "I'm cool. I watch Portlandia. I almost went to Coachella last year until I decided not to." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
  • "You look a little young for a doctor. Could you get someone older? Asian if you got it." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
  • "What part of 'hashtag teen life' do you not understand?" (The Grinder, S01E01)
  • Rob Lowe dropping a "literally" (The Grinder, S01E01)
  • "My cheese tool!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
  • "Horse dumplings!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
  • "I don't think that's cute. I think it's freaky. It's like a curse. It's like this poor baby angered some witch who cursed her to be trapped in a cabbage body, and now she needs an emperor's kiss to release her from the curse, but the emperors are gone, replaced by democracy, so this poor cabbage baby is left alone in the fields to be pecked at by crows, and then a photographer comes along, and he takes a photograph of her, and he sells it for lots of money, but he leaves her alone to a life of misery, for who could ever love a cabbage-faced baby?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
  • "Enough Little Man Boys!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
  • "I thought you might like this alarm clock better. The lazy dog tells you when to get up." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
  • Ed Sheeran (The Bastard Executioner, S01E04)
  • Death by chicken drumstick (The Bastard Executioner, S01E04)
  • This show's take on a teenage hipster… (Modern Family, S07E02)
  • "My partner Clyde told me." (Empire, S02E02)
  • "We had one white girl, one black girl, and one Hispanic. I'm-a call them 'Rainbow Sensation.'" (Empire, S02E02)
  • "Anika knows marketing. She made a whole career selling her ass."
    "Oh, as opposed to you and your stellar career in pharmaceuticals?" (Empire, S02E02)
  • "Thirsty Rawlings." (Empire, S02E02)
  • Oh. Clyde is Petey Pablo's character (Empire, S02E02)
  • "Shower machete?" (Black-ish, S02E02)
  • "That makes it look like you ate Eddie Murphy." (Black-ish, S02E02)
  • "Somebody's in the house."
    "Then why are we in here? What's dad gonna do? Suck salsa off the burglar's shirt?"
    "Don't worry, guys. I know karate. Mop the floor! Mop the floor!" (Black-ish, S02E02)
  • "Let's go child labour force, let's go!" (South Park, S19E03)
  • "The Villas at Kenny's House." (South Park, S19E03)
  • "Juices?!"
    "What's wrong with that? What are you gonna call it?"
    "I call it 'love foam.'"
    "It's called 'brine," because it's salty and it tenderizes meat." (The League, S07E04)
  • The music composer for the film Whiplash wrote this episode (The League, S07E04)
  • "Scrambled eggs? A dish so pedestrian its name is the recipe?" (You're the Worst, S02E04)
  • "Nathan and Tall Nathan are from a local comedy school, and they're gonna be teaching us a lesson in improv. Studies show that this can help with trauma-induced anxiety."
    "We know what you've all been through, and we're sensitive to it. [pause] Okay, let's start. Who wants to play a gay banana?" (You're the Worst, S02E04)
  • "I stopped you from investing in Sufjan Stevens' broth restaurant." (You're the Worst, S02E04)
  • Lindsay scraping microwaved semen into a coffee mug (You're the Worst, S02E04)
  • "Sandwich, Massachusetts." (Review, S02E10)
  • Review Season Grade: B
  • "I'm preparing the butter to sauté you in." (Shark Tank, S07E02)
  • RT: A lady on Shark Tank is crying about her eyelash extension business. It's not weird at all. Not thinking about Lexapro right now. (Shark Tank, S07E02)


Eater's Digest: Washington, D.C.

Previously on Adam Riff™:

I didn't chronicle my last trip to D.C. (Jan 2014). Just know that the frites at Granville Moore's are compulsively edible.

August 2015
the partisan / thomas foolery / captain cookie and the milkman / board room / bethesda bagels / sundevich / thip khao / gbd / nando's / woodward takeout food / compass rose / daikaya / red apron butcher at union market / ice cream jubilee / maketto

Duck French Toast Panini (The Partisan)
duck confit, foie gras, red wine duck jus, fried egg

K.F.P. (The Partisan)
korean fried pig foot, valentina hot sauce butter, blue cheese

Rotissi-fried Chicken (The Partisan)
half fried, half roasted, honey hot sauce

Snickers Terrine (The Partisan)
peanut butter cheesecake, milk chocolate and peanut caramel, chocolate glaze

Fernet Ice Cream Float (The Partisan)
ginger beer, lime zest, fernet-branca ice cream, ginger-molasses cookies

My kind of menu.

Stand-outs at The Partisan were: its Tigelle, served as complimentary bread, its extensive Charcuterie, and its

Beef Fat Fries (The Partisan)
roasted garlic, rosemary, ranch aioli

which Matt could not stop eating.

Red Tree Ant Egg Laab Salad (Thip Khao)

"I call it Laos caviar," says chef Seng Luangrath. A commonly eaten protein in the Southeast Asian country and neighboring Thailand, the ova are hand-harvested from nests often built on the leaves of mango trees. Texturally, the eggs are like caviar, but splooshier. [source]

I couldn't discern the ant eggs. This salad was just sour.

Duck Laab (Thip Khao)
duck, minced salad, toasted rice, garlic, scallion, cilantro, mint
—The stand-out dish of our meal.

Avocado Sticky Rice (Thip Khao)

For dessert!

MarionBerry Ice Cream (Ice Cream Jubilee)
ripe marionberries from oregon blended with sweet cream ice cream and graham cracker crumbs

Passionfruit Guava Sorbet (Ice Cream Jubilee)
passionfruit and guava mingle with a touch of orange and hibiscus

Scrumptious ice cream. Beside the till was a container of crushed sugar cone that you could sprinkle on your ice cream gratis.

Maketto is a retail store, coffee shop, and Asian restaurant in one from the owner and chef of Toki Underground.

Restaurant stand-outs:
Taiwanese Fried Chicken (Maketto)
Scallion Pancake (Maketto)

Et Cetera

Kingston Sandwich (Sundevich)
jerk chicken, pineapple salsa, greens, spicy slaw, garlic mayo

Khachapuri (Compass Rose)
cheese-filled bread, organic egg, local butter

The egg and butter are mixed with the cheese at your table.

Missed Connections

"Chicken and Waffles" (Daikaya)
chicken kara-age, red bean taiyaki, wasabi butter, maple syrup

Ice Cream Luge (Pop's SeaBar)
mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich, amaro

The ice cream sandwich is a luge for liqueur.

Face Bacon (The Pig)
jowl, smoked, slow roasted, maple

Fried Duck Heads (Thip Khao)


Now off to the other Washington.

I am extremely bummed that SMASH PUTT! closed.

Pancake Breakfast

Front-loading washers terrify me during spin cycles. They sound like they're out of control.

C-I-R-G-I-N seems like how a white female pop star or a Psychopathic Records artist might spell "surgeon," but I've never seen it spelled that way.

"iHeartRadio" is the cool dad-iest of corporate names. If that's what Clear Channel chose to re-brand as, imagine the names that were rejected.

related: TGI Fridays' Appley Madison campaign

My cousin Wayne lives in Taiwan. Whenever we see each other, the first thing he does is feel my stomach to gauge how fat I am.