Doc Bresler's Cavity Busters

Previously on Adam Riff™ (August 2014):

Pizzeria Beddia's hours are wonky, its menu is limited, it's cash only, you can only order in person, and you have to wait about 30 minutes for your order, as Mr. Beddia makes pizzas to order and only has one oven.

I'm a poor judge of pizza – all pizza satisfies me – but Jesse said that Pizzeria Beddia's pizza was the best pizza that he's ever eaten in Philadelphia, and he's a native.


// WASHINGTON, D.C


My train gate at Union Station is always opposite this store.

AMERICA! has a 25-year track record as a leading, destination-themed specialty retailer. [source]

We offer home décor and our exclusive collection of Commander-in-Chief® and First Lady® merchandise. [source]


// PHILADELPHIA, PA

"I can't keep calm, I'm a computer science…" You can't keep calm because you're studying computer science? What?

That's the second person I've seen today wearing a "keep calm/computer science" shirt.


Jon: Heh. The house across the street from yours… 1738.


Drew: I'm chuffed to bits to have air conditioning again. Every soul in this house was going mad. Michelle and I fought about a washcloth earlier today.

Air conditioning is on? Is it under 20 mattresses?

Drew: I was worried about my kombuchas spoiling.

Jon Wilcox is making his own ice creams, Drew is making his own kombuchas – I feel so un-artisanal.


Drew: Jesse and I are joining a Dungeons and Dragons group.
Jon: [pause]

Jon: You know, when you first identified yourself as a nerd to me, I was unconvinced, but then you go do something like this.

Drew: You ever play Dungeons and Dragons?
Jon: No.
Drew: I played when I was in fifth grade. Then other interests/pursuits drew me away – sports, having sex with girls… But I've been there, done that now, so…
Jon: Circle of life.


Drew: I like how you got to try "the best pizza in America" and just shrugged.


Pity this Dolph Lundgren-looking gay dude stuck watching Hard Knocks with us while we wait for Jesse to arrive.


Jon: "I'm gonna pair this burger with an ice-cold Budweiser"? Your friend is just asking for grief.

Jon: That patty is absurd.


Drew: What's the matter?
Jesse: I, uhhh, used to be fuck buds with our server.


Drew: So what do you think of this Asian cuisine, Jon?
Jesse: I'll tell you what he thinks – [shrugs]


Drew: I wonder if E.B. is working at Abe Fisher tonight.
Jesse: Shit, if he's tending bar, we won't make it past Abe Fisher tonight.

Drew: E.B. is an interesting chap. He's visited all seven continents.

Jesse: I'm not keen on getting E.B.'d tonight.
Jon: E.B.'d?
Jesse: "Enabled blackout," if you will.

We enter Abe Fisher with trepidation, aaaand….E.B. is NOT the bartender.


Drew: What's that game you like with diving guys and little girls?
Jesse: What?
Drew: You know, diving guys and little girls in outfits…
Jesse: Oh. BioShock.

DIVING GUYS AND LITTLE GIRLS IN OUTFITS.


Drew: We love a good Dateline murder show.


Nick: One of my employees wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons and tried to join an all-gay D&D group, but they wouldn't accept him because he wasn't gay.


Drew: How do you find people who are passionate about butchery?


Drew: You down to go to a cigar bar next?
Jon: Sure.
Jesse: Oh, but if E.B.'s not at Abe Fisher, he's probably working at Ashton. I'm not sure we should press our luck.

E.B.: The human Whammy.


Jesse is "Philadelphia's best bartender"?!


Drew: Have you seen the Jurassic Park one?
Jon: No…?


Jon: The A.V. Club commenters don't bother you?
Molly: Naw. A.V. Club comments are nothing. My personal phone number was attached to gossip columns I wrote for the Daily News. Strangers would call me in the middle of the night, assuming I wouldn't answer.


Drew: If Toro is chilling on the bed in the spare bedroom, feel free to kick him off/out.

I finish brushing my teeth and the dog – a large, pitbull breed – is indeed chilling on the bed. I shrug and lie down to his left.

I wake up in the middle of the night to find myself spooning the dog.


Drew: This throwback hip-hop radio station plays so much Ja Rule.


I'm buying a vacuum cleaner with Philadelphia's best bartender.

Jesse: I'm gonna pair this vacuum with an ice-cold Budweiser.


Jon: "EscapeThe1980s.com"?
Drew: It's an '80s-themed "escape the room" attraction. Some children beta-tested it and were stumped by a VHS cassette, which you're supposed to play in a VCR.


Michelle: Thanks for reminding me to cancel Amazon Prime. I signed up for the free trial because I desperately wanted a compost bin.

1 Comment

  1. Drew 01 Sep 15 at 14:37

    I maintain that "diving guys and little girls in outfits" is the most succinct way to describe that video game.

    Reply

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