Doc Bresler's Cavity Busters

Previously on Adam Riff™ (August 2014):

Pizzeria Beddia's hours are wonky, its menu is limited, it's cash only, you can only order in person, and you have to wait about 30 minutes for your order, as Mr. Beddia makes pizzas to order and only has one oven.

I'm a poor judge of pizza – all pizza satisfies me – but Jesse said that Pizzeria Beddia's pizza was the best pizza that he's ever eaten in Philadelphia, and he's a native.


My train gate at Union Station is always opposite this store.

AMERICA! has a 25-year track record as a leading, destination-themed specialty retailer. [source]

We offer home décor and our exclusive collection of Commander-in-Chief® and First Lady® merchandise. [source]


"I can't keep calm, I'm a computer science…" You can't keep calm because you're studying computer science? What?

That's the second person I've seen today wearing a "keep calm/computer science" shirt.

Jon: Heh. The house across the street from yours… 1738.

Drew: I'm chuffed to bits to have air conditioning again. Every soul in this house was going mad. Michelle and I fought about a washcloth earlier today.

Air conditioning is on? Is it under 20 mattresses?

Drew: I was worried about my kombuchas spoiling.

Jon Wilcox is making his own ice creams, Drew is making his own kombuchas – I feel so un-artisanal.

Drew: Jesse and I are joining a Dungeons and Dragons group.
Jon: [pause]

Jon: You know, when you first identified yourself as a nerd to me, I was unconvinced, but then you go do something like this.

Drew: You ever play Dungeons and Dragons?
Jon: No.
Drew: I played when I was in fifth grade. Then other interests/pursuits drew me away – sports, having sex with girls… But I've been there, done that now, so…
Jon: Circle of life.

Drew: I like how you got to try "the best pizza in America" and just shrugged.

Pity this Dolph Lundgren-looking gay dude stuck watching Hard Knocks with us while we wait for Jesse to arrive.

Jon: "I'm gonna pair this burger with an ice-cold Budweiser"? Your friend is just asking for grief.

Jon: That patty is absurd.

Drew: What's the matter?
Jesse: I, uhhh, used to be fuck buds with our server.

Drew: So what do you think of this Asian cuisine, Jon?
Jesse: I'll tell you what he thinks – [shrugs]

Drew: I wonder if E.B. is working at Abe Fisher tonight.
Jesse: Shit, if he's tending bar, we won't make it past Abe Fisher tonight.

Drew: E.B. is an interesting chap. He's visited all seven continents.

Jesse: I'm not keen on getting E.B.'d tonight.
Jon: E.B.'d?
Jesse: "Enabled blackout," if you will.

We enter Abe Fisher with trepidation, aaaand….E.B. is NOT the bartender.

Drew: What's that game you like with diving guys and little girls?
Jesse: What?
Drew: You know, diving guys and little girls in outfits…
Jesse: Oh. BioShock.


Drew: We love a good Dateline murder show.

Nick: One of my employees wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons and tried to join an all-gay D&D group, but they wouldn't accept him because he wasn't gay.

Drew: How do you find people who are passionate about butchery?

Drew: You down to go to a cigar bar next?
Jon: Sure.
Jesse: Oh, but if E.B.'s not at Abe Fisher, he's probably working at Ashton. I'm not sure we should press our luck.

E.B.: The human Whammy.

Jesse is "Philadelphia's best bartender"?!

Drew: Have you seen the Jurassic Park one?
Jon: No…?

Jon: The A.V. Club commenters don't bother you?
Molly: Naw. A.V. Club comments are nothing. My personal phone number was attached to gossip columns I wrote for the Daily News. Strangers would call me in the middle of the night, assuming I wouldn't answer.

Drew: If Toro is chilling on the bed in the spare bedroom, feel free to kick him off/out.

I finish brushing my teeth and the dog – a large, pitbull breed – is indeed chilling on the bed. I shrug and lie down to his left.

I wake up in the middle of the night to find myself spooning the dog.

Drew: This throwback hip-hop radio station plays so much Ja Rule.

I'm buying a vacuum cleaner with Philadelphia's best bartender.

Jesse: I'm gonna pair this vacuum with an ice-cold Budweiser.

Jon: ""?
Drew: It's an '80s-themed "escape the room" attraction. Some children beta-tested it and were stumped by a VHS cassette, which you're supposed to play in a VCR.

Michelle: Thanks for reminding me to cancel Amazon Prime. I signed up for the free trial because I desperately wanted a compost bin.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

35. The Ballad of Ice-T (Rick and Morty, S02E05)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "If Kendall Jenner can run a fucking company, so can we." (Ballers, S01E10)
  • John Cena and The Rock both showed their butts on camera this summer (Ballers, S01E10)
  • Ballers Season Grade: F
  • "You people haven't heard of The-Dream?" (Rick and Morty, S02E05)
  • "Jews rule! …Nobody? Okay, tough church." (Rick and Morty, S02E05)
  • "Hi, folks. Head priest Vagina." (Rick and Morty, S02E05)
  • "Can you fly a Black Hawk?"
    "Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut?"
    "Uhhh, I'm…not sure?"
    "Exactly." (Rick and Morty, S02E05)
  • "The heads disqualified Vagina!" (Rick and Morty, S02E05)

(WWE Tough Enough, S06E10)

  • Directed by Ti West (Scream, S01E09)
  • "You did not see George Zimmerman at a Dave and Busters!" (The Carmichael Show, S01E02)
  • "You touched my dick." (Key and Peele, S05E08)
  • "His name is 'Ace Shrift.' It is an anagram for 'catfisher.'"
    "You know that your name is an anagram for 'farce shit,' right?" (Review, S02E05)
  • "I did an image search on" (Review, S02E05)
  • "You punched the money!" (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
  • "You see how white people treat you?"
    "Shut the fuck up, man."
    "There's still one in the room." (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
  • "What 'sanctimonious' mean?"
    "White." (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
  • "Next up, Fresh Air with Terry Gross and her guest, homosexual David Sedaris. He's talking about his new gender-neutral version of The Mikado." (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)
  • "Thought she was sanctimonious and white."
    "Turns out she was sanctimonious and black."
    "There's got to be a word for that."
    "Yeah, 'reverend.'" (Survivor's Remorse, S02E02)

(Race to Escape, S01E06)

  • Race to Escape Season Grade: B
  • "When life becomes maddeningly polite, think about me. Think about me, Will. Don't worry about me." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "Will, was it good to see me?" (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "I'd pack my bags if I were you, Bedelia. Meat's back on the menu." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • RT: The highlight of our gag reel is Raul Esparza in that makeup doing Fire Marshal Bill (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "Do please tell Frederick if you see him, I wish a speedy convalescence, and I hope he won't be very ugly." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "You died in my kitchen, Alana, when you chose to be brave. Every moment since is borrowed. Your wife, your child, they belong to me. You made a bargain for Will's life, and then I spun you gold." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "My compassion for you is inconvenient, Will." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • "Save yourself, kill them all." (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • Siouxsie Sioux wrote an original song for the finale (Hannibal, S03E13)
  • Hannibal Season Grade: B+


Buying goodwill in hotel lobbies

Previously on Adam Riff™:
My nine-year-old nephew discovered Magic: The Gathering this year.

Said nephew's 10th birthday is approaching, and I promised him Magic cards for his birthday gift.

Jon: Which cards do you want?
Nephew: How large is your budget?
Jon: [pause]

Jon: Make a list of all the cards you want.


I received a call last Monday while in Washington, D.C.

J: Hey, when are you scheduled to fly home from New York City?
Jon: Next Monday.
J: Can you fly to Los Angeles instead? I need you here.
Jon: For how long?
J: Indefinitely? When is TIFF? Can you fly to Toronto from Los Angeles?
Jon: What? No. I can't be on the road for five weeks straight! I only packed for one week.

I negotiated my time in Los Angeles down to "until Labor Day weekend."

Last Wednesday while in Washington, D.C….

Jon: Hey, what's your wi-fi network?
Jon Wilcox: "BD's Mongolian WiFi."
Jon: Oh, heh. That's why my phone has been asking for the password to "BD's Mongolian WiFi" all night. I thought it was a bug. "I don't recall passing a BD's Mongolian Grill today…"

There are no Panda Expresses in China, but there is a BD's Mongolian Grill in Mongolia.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

34. The Great Red Dragon bites Chilton's lips off (Hannibal, S03E12)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Humans Season Grade: D
  • Maalox and Stoli (Show Me a Hero, S01E02)
  • "Shut up, Hamurai. Shut up, Amish Cyborg. What is this, '90s Conan?" (Rick and Morty, S02E04)
  • "AIDS!" (Rick and Morty, S02E04)
  • "My dick got chopped off. Like gristle off a Thanksgiving turkey. I got a gristle dick." (Key and Peele, S05E07)
  • RT: "The 1st, clear Pulp Fiction reference in tonight's Mr Robot was cool. The 2nd, less obvious one (Elliot's line on platform) was phenomenal" (Mr. Robot, S01E09)
  • "Where Is My Mind?" – heh (Mr. Robot, S01E09)
  • Mall store name: Warm Subject (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E27)
  • Matt Besser's Björk (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E27)
  • "Is Hannibal in love with me?" (Hannibal, S03E12)
  • "You are the Devil himself, bound in the pit."
    "And that makes you God, Jack."
    "Yes, it does."
    "All gods demand sacrifices." (Hannibal, S03E12)


It's a small world after all

In the latter months of my time living in Chicago with Jord and Jon Wilcox, Jord began making videos with this group of local comedians, and I didn't think much of it. Then I retreated back to Silicon Valley, and…

Jon Wilcox: It's wild that T.J. Miller, Kumail, and Thomas Middleditch used to hang out in my living room.

I befriended Jord and Jon Wilcox via their E/N website, and I befriended Ben via his music blog.

While Ben drove me to Jon Wilcox's flat in Washington, D.C….

Jon: Ishmail? From [the websites] Punogre/Armegro? How do you know him?
Ben: He caught me DJ-ing, tweeted at me, and we subsequently became friends. I stayed with him in Los Angeles once.
Jon: Huh.

I type this from Philadelphia in the spare bedroom of Drew's house. I befriended Drew via his blog.

Treasure the Chesapeake

A Copy of My Mind
Joko Anwar, Indonesia/South Korea

She gives facials in a cheap beauty salon. He makes subtitles for pirated DVDs. They find a soulmate in each other. But their love is threatened to a tragic end when she stumbles upon evidence of a corruption case linked to a presidential candidate's closest aides.


Airlines should display a real-time seating chart at boarding gates that allows you to see which seats are still available and the ages of the people who will be sitting around you.

On my flight to Washington, D.C. was a stroller-pushing father wearing an Omar Rodriguez-Lopez Group shirt.

Alvin and the Chipmunks, American Football

Idea: A parody of "All Day" by Kanye West about Old Bay Seasoning.

Idea: A parody of "All Day" by Kanye West about breakfast being served all day.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

33. Being a Little Person (Review, S02E03)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Thinking about your boy? Now you can send him to Yale." (True Detective, S02E08)
  • "" (True Detective, S02E08)
  • True Detective Season Grade: D-
  • "Denial is a special privilege of the rich." (The Strain, S02E05)
  • "You got caught pounding ass in a public restroom. That's some A-Rod shit." (Ballers, S01E08)

"Now make them all make fun of the blonde one."

Community (Rick and Morty, S02E03)

  • Sad ending (Rick and Morty, S02E03)
  • "You're like some kind of cross-dressing Jedi manure spreader." (WWE Raw, 08-10-15)
  • Rusev-ied Bulgarian flag (WWE Raw, 08-10-15)

Hello Nasty (Mr. Robot, S01E08)

  • "Thanks to our modern collective disinterest in privacy, I was able to find basic information about my sex target rapidly." (Review, S02E03)
  • "Much like sex, we have had it!" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E26)

(Friends of the People, S02E05)

  • Rectify Season Grade: C-
  • "Jack Crawford, fisher of men, watching my cork move against the current." (Hannibal, S03E11)
  • "The essence of the worst in the human spirit is not found in the crazy sons of bitches. Ugliness is found in the faces of the crowd." (Hannibal, S03E11)
  • The red team's pathetic performance (Race to Escape, S01E04)


The Chipotles of my life

1629 Connecticut Ave NW, Washington, DC 20036
Where I lost my Chipotle virginity. Summer 2002. While visiting J.A. in Washington, D.C., he pointed out a restaurant named Chipotle and praised its chips and guacamole. We later met up with Seth Freedland and Josh Karlin-Resnick from high school here. Adam Riff™, this website's namesake, was supposed to join us, but, to my disappointment, he had returned home already.

244 S Beverly Dr, Beverly Hills, CA 90212
There is a Chipotle in Westwood now, but when I was in college, we had to drive to Beverly Hills to eat at Chipotle, and only after Chipotle finally expanded into Los Angeles.

1733 N Damen Ave, Chicago, IL 60647
Needless to say, when I moved to Chicago, I was elated to discover a Chipotle near our duplex. Here I honed my go-to order at Chipotle – burrito, white rice, no beans, fajita veggies, chicken, all four salsas, sour cream, cheese, no guacamole, no lettuce.

2400 Charleston Rd, Mountain View, CA 94043
At my last job, I began staying after work on Fridays to create the following week's Cribsheet for this website, alone and undisturbed in the office, and then eating a late dinner at this Chipotle. Same routine almost every Friday for about a year – perhaps not the wisest use of my 20s.

504 6th Ave, New York, NY 10011
When I lived in Manhattan, our flat was just around the corner from a Chipotle – the closest I have ever lived to a Chipotle. I ate dinner at this Chipotle every Sunday, periodically ordering a cup for soda¹, which I would take home, wash, and dry on the dish rack. Then, when I craved pop, instead of buying some, I would grab a cup or two from my stack of used Chipotle soda cups at home, walk to this Chipotle, and fill up discreetly. And when dining here, I snuck in used cups via a backpack.

¹ I ordered a cup for soda periodically to replace deteriorating used cups.

Adam Robot: I learned that a Chipotle was opening in Billings from you.

—Oh no… He pronounces it "Chi-POL-te." Should I say something?

New respect test: Say "chipotle mascarpone."

Sleeping with the Enema

summer of unk'd

How did "Animals," your track on Compton, come together?

DJ Premier: I went to Moscow earlier this year to work with, like, the top producer in Moscow. The pitch was for me to get with a Russian producer, to use Russian samples and music, and then to have MF Doom rap on it.

When we were about to head out to Moscow, MF Doom fell ill and wasn't able to come out. I'm like, "Well, who are you going to get to replace him?" He said, "We're going to get a singer instead of a rapper, Anderson .Paak." [source]

Straight outta Moscow.

When not performing, [David Copperfield] manages his chain of eleven islands in the Bahamas, called "Musha Cay and the Islands of Copperfield Bay," which completed a $35 million renovation under Copperfield's supervision. [source]

Why is "David Copperfield managing a chain of islands in the Bahamas" not a television programme?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

32. The Correspondents Say Goodbye (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 08-06-15)

Stray Observations

Frank's list repeats stuff (True Detective, S02E07)

  • "Now you just shit my carpet." (True Detective, S02E07)
  • "Guy's been around less the last three months than my wife's period." (True Detective, S02E07)
  • Halt and Catch Fire Season Grade: C
  • Fatlip (Ballers, S01E07)
  • Birdman (Ballers, S01E07)
  • "I communicate through what you call 'Jessica's feet.' No, 'telepathy.'" (Rick and Morty, S02E02)
  • "I'm gonna miss you, umm, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became 'Fart.'" (Rick and Morty, S02E02)
  • "Guys are annoying. All they want to do is eat Chipotle." (Total Divas, S04E05)
  • Deutschland 83 Season Grade: C
  • "I don't like Squidbillies, daddy." (Rectify, S03E05)
  • Zero reaction for Craig Kilborn (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 08-06-15)
  • "You're the bride of Frankenstein."
    "We've…both been his bride." (Hannibal, S03E10)
  • "My relationship with Hannibal is not as passionate as yours. You are here visiting an old flame." (Hannibal, S03E10)
  • "You are capable of righteous violence because you are compassionate."
    "How are you capable?"
    "Extreme acts of cruelty require a high level of empathy. The next time you have an instinct to help someone, you might consider crushing them instead." (Hannibal, S03E10)


Eater's Digest: Billings, MT

Previously on Adam Riff™ [July 2008]:

Adam Robot informed me about a restaurant in his city that offers sandwiches that look like Fleshlights.

—they cook the bread in a can
—they pull the middle out and stuff all the goods in it
—then you can buy the "guts" in a bag, use for soup or with chili

Among the "Clubfoot sandwich" selections:

Imitation crab, dill pickle, and bacon bits?

July 2015
[the travelogue]

montana brewing company / the fieldhouse / überbrew / nara / pub station / caramel cookie waffles / big dipper ice cream / lilac / ten / tiny's tavern / pepper's bar and grill / red lodge ales brewing company / pie guys pizzeria / cafe zydeco / harper and madison / staggering ox / taco john's / pickle barrel

Gold Stars

Angry Bird Baked Sammy (Red Lodge Ales Brewing Company)
turkey, havarti, four-pepper relish, brown mustard, chopped greens, red onion, roma tomato, on a grilled hoagie

A deeply satisfying sandwich. I'm still thinking about it.

Braised Short Rib (Lilac)
potato gnocchi, caramelized onion

The gnocchi had a pleasing pan-fried crisp exterior.

Garlic Bread (Cafe Zydeco)

Unlike any other garlic bread I've eaten.

Poutine (Ten)
house cut fries, smothered in bison gravy and cheese curds

Nanaimo Bar (Caramel Cookie Waffles)
Nanaimo Bar (Harper and Madison)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Fish Tacos (The Fieldhouse)
wild halibut, cabbage, kiwi salsa, cotija, ginger crema

Pictured: The restaurant's photo, which doesn't do the tacos we were served justice. Our fish fillets were massive – easily nine inches long.

After eating a fish taco with kiwi salsa, I wonder why all fish tacos aren't topped with kiwi salsa.

House-Cut Fries (The Fieldhouse)
house ketchup

Tremendous fries – definitely not Sysco – with an addictive smoky ketchup.

Nacho Styx (Pie Guys Pizzeria)
taco beef, jalapeños, baked corn chips, cheddar, served with salsa and sour cream

A surprisingly delicious breadstick pizza.

Deep-Fried Bread Pudding (Cafe Zydeco)
acadian style bread pudding, topped with praline sauce and chantilly cream

Can't get the stink off
It's been hanging 'round for days
Comes like a comet
Suckered you, but not your friends

You do it to yourself, you do
And that's what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself, just you
You and no one else

The bread pudding wasn't so much topped with praline sauce as it was neck-deep in a bowl of praline sauce.

Pub Station is a bus station turned music venue and tap room. Macauley Culkin's pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band reportedly christened it.

Our sushi chef has a lip ring and knuckle tattoos.

I cringe when he opens a packet of Philadelphia Cream Cheese.

Oh, bollocks! I forgot to request no cream cheese.

I will vote for whichever presidential candidate will get cream cheese the fuck out of sushi in America.

On my way to the washroom, I see a flyer for a contest to win a gun.

The Rollin' Red Specialty Roll (NaRa)
spicy tuna, cream cheese, jalapeños inside; avocado, sesame seeds out; topped with tempura lobster pieces, bacon, scallions, volcano sauce, spicy teriyaki, sriracha

A far cry from the nigiri I typically order when I eat sushi, but undeniably tasty, despite whatever cream cheese I could not extract.

Food/Travel Show Idea: Extreme Sushi Rolls. Document Taco Town Jiro nightmares like this:

Dos Eggies Specialty Roll (NaRa)
spicy tuna, jalapeño, cream cheese inside; avocado, sesame seeds out; topped with cheddar cheese, fried red onion, bacon bits, two over easy eggs, spicy teriyaki, volcano sauce

We meet at last.

Turkey and Cheese Clubfoot Sandwich (Staggering Ox)
turkey, provolone, lettuce, garlic ranch sauce

It was…better than what Adam Robot made them out to be – fine, even.

Staggering Ox's sandwiches with gyro meat are named after Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden, and its tzatziki sauce is called "camel spit."


Walking Taco (Taco John's)

Evokes a Frito pie, but eats like food waste.

A taco is inherently portable. You can eat a taco while walking. Stuff a specialty sushi roll in a bag instead – The Walkin' Red.

Missed Connections


Aaaand the recent re-brand:

From Little Lord Foxworthy to Larry the Cable Guy.

Steak/Chop Salt Flight (Stacked)
truffle salt, black smoked sea salt, red hawaiian salt

Flying Saucer (King's Hat Drive-In)

King's Hat is a fast food drive-through known for its sealed burgers.

You can also add rum flavouring or a hint of cinnamon to any beverage on its menu.


Furp Rock

This Halsey song chorus:

We are the new Americana
High on legal marijuana
Raised on Biggie and Nirvana
We are the new Americana

And you just know that Americanans raised after Biggie and Nirvana are gonna eat it up.

Rory: They'll make it up to you in the year 2000.

Fool's Gold Day Off headliners be taking Ls this summer.

If only Future was headlining the Atlanta one.

Morimoto Karaoke
Iron Chef Morimoto shares his expertise in the art of sushi rolling and rocks the stage with his hidden talent.

Truffle Shuffle w/ Mina Test Kitchen & DJ Vin Sol
Chef Adam Sobel is joined by dance instructor Julia Hubara to reinterpret the infamous Truffle Shuffle. Fans must shuffle for a taste of his Truffle Ribeye Cheesesteak.

PopStars w/ Emilie Baltz and Dan Deacon
Dan Deacon provides the sweet sounds for this lickable popsicle orchestra imagined by experiential artist & storyteller, Emilie Baltz. Join them on stage to help bring this concept to life, one lick at a time.

A lickable popsicle orchestra?

Baltz's lickable orchestra with ice cream