The Planned Parenthood Dead Babies

But Logan is absolutely convinced the boy-next-door image is the one thing holding him back from major stardom.

"I'm at the point where no matter what, brands are still going to come to me. So I can start being a little more edgy. Like I could do a Vine for a Fleshlight."

Logan will get his shot at performing his edgy song, "Stank Dick," later this week, but next on the schedule he's got to get ready for acting class.

Vince: This profile on Vine star Logan Paul is like Stonehenge, or the Egyptian pyramids. It's so perfect it's hard to believe that it came together without some kind of magic.

That banner is like Stonehenge, or the Egyptian pyramids.

The Onion's VICE parody series looks like Stonehenge, or the Egyptian pyramids.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

30a. Brock Lesnar confronts The Undertaker (WWE Raw, 07-20-15)

30b. The brawl between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker spills backstage (WWE Raw, 07-20-15)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

(King of the Nerds UK, S01E02)

  • The lyrics to the theme song are subtly changing with each episode (True Detective, S02E05)
  • "You could've been a scrape job." (True Detective, S02E05)
  • Stephen crying in the fetal position after his tart shell cracked (MasterChef, S06E11)
  • "Kitchen Nightmare." (Hannibal, S03E08)
  • "I stopped drinking beer when I found out what you were putting in mine."
    "Who." (Hannibal, S03E08)
  • "You have served me this before."
    "One of my favourite desserts – traditionally made with pig's blood; in this case, a local cow."
    "…And when you last made it for me?"
    "The blood was from a cow, only in the derogatory sense." (Hannibal, S03E08)



When something you worked on trends at number one on Twitter and Bomani Jones tweets that your Filipino mate looks Chinese and is Latino…

The working title for the docu-special was "What Is White?," which…bleh. I pushed, from the outset, for "White People" to be the title, but J wasn't keen on it.

Fast forward nine months. J calls me after a meeting with MTV executives.

J: We settled on "White People" as the title. I like it.
Jon: [exasperated screaming]

Speaking of white people…

A trip 13 years in the making.

Everyone: Why are you going to Montana?!
Jon: Because the Internet.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

29. Point Pleasant Police Department (The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, 07-16-15)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • None of the acronyms are acronyms (King of the Nerds UK, S01E01)
  • "Glove box. Take a cure." (True Detective, S02E04)
  • "You have one of the largest auras I've ever seen." (True Detective, S02E04)
  • "Black rage goes a long way. Sometimes your worst self is your best self." (True Detective, S02E04)
  • Season one adversary: Apple. Season two adversary: Nintendo. (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E07)
  • "Apparently, Richard Sherman challenged Money Mayweather to a bare knuckle brawl in Vegas last night." (Ballers, S01E04)

(The Strain, S02E01)

  • "WWE's version of the All-Star Game" = Randy Orton/Ryback vs. Sheamus/Big Show (WWE Raw, 07-13-15)
  • "We need to eat with our eyes, and, uhhh, that looks like a stuffed condom. Ground beef and strawberries do not go – ever." (MasterChef, S06E10)
  • "There's a saying: 'The devil's at his strongest while we're looking the other way,' like a program running in the background silently while we're busy doing other shit – 'daemons,' they call them. They perform action without user interaction – monitoring, logging, notifications, primal urges, repressed memories, unconscious habits. They're always there, always active. You can try to be right, you can try to be good, you can try to make a difference, but it's all bullshit, 'cause intentions are irrelevant. They don't drive us – daemons do. And me? I've got more than most." (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
  • Hackers watching Hackers (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
  • "I bet you right now some writer's working hard on a TV show that'll mess up this generation's idea of hacker culture." (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
  • Keith David voicing a fish (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
  • ♫: SchoolBoy Q – "Hell of a Night" (Mr. Robot, S01E04)
  • Wizard name Stephendorf (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E22)
  • "You're going to eat him with my face?" (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "What will you do after you've eaten me?"
    "You could wreck some foster homes and torment some children."
    "Ohh, and drink martinis made with tears." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • Pig surrogate (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "He helped us milk you." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "The most stable elements appear in the middle of the periodic table, roughly between iron and silver. Between iron and silver – I think that's appropriate for you." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "When it comes to you and me, there can be no decisive victory."
    "We are a zero-sum game." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "You delight in wickedness and then berate yourself for the delight."
    "You delight; I tolerate. I don't have your appetite." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "I want you to know exactly where I am, and where you can always find me." (Hannibal, S03E07)
  • "Hey, White Trash Federline, tell your girl to be more polite."
    "Fuck off, Sam. Federline is White Trash Federline!" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E09)
  • "I hate papaya!" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E10)
  • Felonious Spunk (Orange Is the New Black, S03E12)
  • "It's like you're Madame Curie, but stupid." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E12)
  • "We gotta get some miso." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E12)
  • Orange Is the New Black Season Grade: C


We're some kind of suicide squad

Has anyone watched this web series that Subway commissioned to "engage its brand with the VICE audience"?

The Thing Burger is topped with a "Thing sauce" and served on a bun that evokes The Thing.

The Human Torch Skillet contains fire-roasted bell peppers and jalapeños, is topped with a five pepper sauce and pepper jack queso, and is served on a hot skillet.

The pancakes of the Invisible Woman Slam are drizzled with a clear citrus glaze.

Why no Mr. Fantastic dish? Queso fundido may not be feasible, but surely Denny's can make grilled cheese sandwiches.

I hope Taco Bell revives its "Feel the Force" game for The Force Awakens.

Death by snu-snu

Under any model of climate change, scientists say, most of the country will look and feel drastically different in 2050, 2100 and beyond, even as cities and states try to adapt and plan ahead. Although few people today are moving long distances to strategize for climate change, some are at least pondering the question of where they would go.

"The answer is the Pacific Northwest, and probably especially west of the Cascades," said Ben Strauss, vice president for climate impacts and director of the program on sea level rise at Climate Central, a research collaboration of scientists and journalists. "Actually, the strip of coastal land running from Canada down to the Bay Area is probably the best."

Clifford E. Mass, a professor of atmospheric science at the University of Washington, writes a popular weather blog in which he predicts that the Pacific Northwest will be "a potential climate refuge" as global warming progresses. A Seattle resident, he foresees that "climate change migrants" will start heading to his city and to Portland, Ore., and surrounding areas.

Already, he said, Washington State is gearing up to become the next Napa Valley as California's wine country heats up and dries out.

In the Pacific Northwest, everything west of Interstate 5 covers some hundred and forty thousand square miles, including Seattle, Tacoma, Portland, Eugene, Salem (the capital city of Oregon), Olympia (the capital of Washington), and some seven million people. When the next full-margin rupture happens, that region will suffer the worst natural disaster in the history of North America.

FEMA projects that nearly thirteen thousand people will die in the Cascadia earthquake and tsunami. Another twenty-seven thousand will be injured, and the agency expects that it will need to provide shelter for a million displaced people, and food and water for another two and a half million.

The science is robust. We now know that the odds of the big Cascadia earthquake happening in the next fifty years are roughly one in three. The odds of the very big one are roughly one in ten. Even those numbers do not fully reflect the danger—or, more to the point, how unprepared the Pacific Northwest is to face it.

The earthquake will have wrought its worst havoc west of the Cascades. The economy of the Pacific Northwest will collapse. Crippled by a lack of basic services, businesses will fail or move away. Many residents will flee as well. OSSPAC predicts a mass-displacement event and a long-term population downturn.

Danielle: How long have you been talking about moving to Seattle?
Jon: Heh. Over a decade now.
Jon: Shit, since I began talking about moving to Seattle, Jon Wilcox has moved to FIVE different cities – including Seattle.

I cried when the Multiple Man died

Chris Hardwick was so ubiquitous at Comic-Con that I wonder if Nerdist Industries couldn't stage its own convention and crush Comic-Con.

A Nerdist-Con could definitely poach the Walking Dead panels from Comic-Con, as well as any panels for parent company Legendary's films, so…all of Universal's blockbusters. And Hardwick and Doctor Who are tight.

That's a solid core of exclusives. Flip Warner Bros. or Fox and others will want in.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

28. Kaleidoscopic Lesbian Sex Scene (Hannibal, S03E06)

Honourable Mention

  • Jan Erik Eckland (7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)

Stray Observations

  • Mad Max (True Detective, S02E03)
  • "No country for white men, boy." (True Detective, S02E03)
  • "You can keep your rings on. It won't matter to me." (True Detective, S02E03)
  • ♫: Jungle – "Lucky I Got What I Want" (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E06)
  • "A wolf in UNIX clothing." (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E06)
  • Rashard Mendenhall is a staff writer? (Ballers, S01E03)

(Penny Dreadful, S02E10)

  • "Never underestimate the power of a queen with lovely hair." (Penny Dreadful, S02E10)
  • Penny Dreadful Season Grade: B-
  • "Shit. I'm gonna have to let him hug me, aren't I?" (Mr. Robot, S01E03)
  • ♫: Fischer-Z – "Cruise Missiles" (Deutschland 83, S01E04)
  • Peking Hannibal (Hannibal, S03E06)
  • "You dropped your forgiveness, Will. You forgive how God forgives. Would you have done it quickly, or would you have stopped to gloat?"
    "Does God gloat?"
    "Often." (Hannibal, S03E06)
  • "Scott, I've got something extra special for you – the Heart of the Ocean necklace from Titanic. To retrieve it, I had to go to some place dark and foreboding, devoid of human life – Planet Hollywood in Myrtle Beach."
    "I thought that astronaut gave it to Britney Spears." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E21)
  • David Copperfield: "Well, it was me, Aaron Williams, and Rod Stewart going out every night for about 10 years, crushing pussy and making money." (7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)
  • "No one actually thought he was saying goodbye to tennis for good, because, that's a crazy thing to say when retiring. 'Later, tennis'?" (7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)

(7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)

(7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)

(7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)

(7 Days in Hell, 07-11-15)


Polar Bear or Africa

This week, MTV released the trailer for a special I worked on, and white people seem to be taking it well.

From someone who has actually seen the special, such reactions are much ado about nothing.


On Jim Ross' latest podcast, he discussed how keen he was on signing Gail Kim years ago. WWE Chairman Vince McMahon however, took some convincing.

Ross said that McMahon came to him and asked, "You want to hire this Asian girl, right?… I don't know, I just don't know."

Baffled, Ross told him how good she was in the ring and that a lot of guys like Asian women, and noted that there were Asian adult film sites. McMahon, seemingly shocked, responded with, "No?! Get out!"

Minor Crash, No Injuries

"Lift with your legs, not your back."
"You don't think I'm trying to do that? My body just keeps defaulting to my back."

In less than a year, I have moved someone else from New York City to San Francisco, and then from San Francisco to Los Angeles, packing and unpacking all of his stuff by myself.

San Francisco was Murphy's Law run amok.

San Francisco Public Works was improving the street in front of my client's building, so a moving truck could not park in front of the building from 7:00 AM to 6:00 PM on weekdays, and the many movers I called did not work nights. (Moving truck and movers sold separately.)

I secured a permit from the city to park the trailer containing my client's stuff in front of his building on a Friday night, and scheduled movers to move his stuff in on Saturday morning. To prevent stealing overnight, I found a lock that fit the trailer, and someone local to receive the lock and lock the container upon drop-off, as I could not be present. (I could not visit my client's new home until move-in day, and thus could not scout the building/area.)

On Friday night, the driver delivering the trailer informed me that he could not drop it off because the street in front of my client's building is too narrow – the trailer would block traffic.

New plan: With the help of two TaskRabbits, I rent a U-Haul, drive to a freight terminal in Oakland, transfer all of my client's stuff from the trailer in which it sits to the U-Haul, drive to his building in San Francisco, and move his stuff in.

As I arrived at the freight terminal, the TaskRabbits I hired informed me that their car broke down in Sausalito and that they regretfully could not help me.

New plan: I transfer all of my client's stuff from the trailer in which it sits to the U-Haul by myself, and cobble together moving help in San Francisco.

The freight terminal would not release my client's stuff to me. My client had to sign for access in person.

I waited two hours for my client to drive up from Palo Alto. Together, in the dark, we transferred his stuff from the trailer in which it sat to the U-Haul.

My client's building was a walk-up. Six flights of stairs.

The San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency ticketed the U-Haul for obstructing early morning street cleaning.