NBC is weak

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Okay, 1. It's 2014. Why are you still handing out CDs? Just share your music on the Internet!, and 2. How can you expect me to give you money for a CD that I didn't ask for?

After declining to give him money, what if I hadn't relinquished the CD-R that he handed me? What if I just ran off with it? Would he chase me down?

SF Pride

After running into a barricade of CD peddlers in San Francisco, I thought: Instead, why don't they figure out how to give away their music à la U2's last album? Somehow force their music onto the phones of passersby.

After passing a homeless man distributing a homeless newspaper in San Francisco, I thought: A homeless tabloid. Homeless TMZ. Homeless BuzzFeed. 22 Things Only Homeless People Will Understand.

And while chilling on a balcony in San Francisco, I thought of chases across rooftops, which led to… Idea: A fake adjoining rooftops course – like a rock climbing wall, but for running/parkour.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

26. Witness (True Detective, S02E01)

Stray Observations

(True Detective, S02E01)

  • "Aspen. That's a boy's name?" (True Detective, S02E01)
  • "You're supposed to savour that."
    "Yeah? Let me try it again." (True Detective, S02E01)
  • "We were created to rule, my love, and the blood of mankind will water our garden, us, and our kin, and our children, and our generations. We are the conquerors. We are the pure blood. We are steel and sinew both. We are the next thousand years. We are the dead." (Penny Dreadful, S02E08)
  • "Fuck the Trojans" (Ballers, S01E01)
  • Don Shula: "You are an asshole." (Ballers, S01E01)
  • Mixing Belgian waffle batter in a saxophone (Cutthroat Kitchen, S08E06)
  • "It feels like all our heroes are counterfeit" – Lance Armstrong, Bill Cosby, Tom Brady (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
  • "You like music. I like music. Maroon 5?" (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
  • "Even though he's the head technology guy at one of the biggest companies in the world, he owns a BlackBerry." (Mr. Robot, S01E01)
  • "Nobody beats the Riz." (Hannibal, S03E04)
  • "I'm all ears. They've just been…redistributed." (Hannibal, S03E04)


Looking forward:

I'll find strength in pain

When life gives you Don Lemon…

Why is MSNBC still Microsoft NBC? Why hasn't it re-branded as NBC News Network?

Rory: NBCNN can be confused for a partnership with CNN.
Jon: Then Comcast NewsNet. No, that's also CNN. ProNewsTalk?
Rory: NBC News Channel – NBCNC.

Daddy, would you like some sausage?

They see gay cruise; I see women's college.

If gay cruise… Food Network Show Idea:

If women's college… There are gay men who are uncomfortable learning how to butcher and cook meat around straight people?

You know nothing, Jon Yu

Of all the places to build a castle, Sleeping Beauty built hers across a river.

Without the tunnel, her castle is a dam.

Inside Sleeping Beauty Castle

You ever wonder why the castles in Super Mario World contain so much chain-link fencing?

I'm overseeing Pepe's move to Los Angeles this weekend.

Pepe: Who did Kim Kardashian have sex with, in her sex tape?
Jon: Uhh… Ray J.
Pepe: I think he lives on my floor.

Never Stop Laughing

[sees poster for Max]

Is that the same typeface as Mad Max?

Oh. They're both Warner Bros. releases.

Two Warner Bros. films with "Max" in the title, one month apart.

[sees trailer for Max]


Both Fox releases.

Sony's film adaptation of Uncharted is scheduled for release on the same day as Universal's film adaptation of Warcraft.

June 10, 2016 = Hollywood Thunderdome.

Oh. Sony is also releasing a film adaptation of Angry Birds next May. And Fox has a film adaptation of Assassin's Creed for Christmas.

Can't Bring Me Down

The Only Game in Town (2015)
Cormack Vertue is an autistic teenager with a unique ability – he never fails to get out at solitaire. This makes him a prime candidate for the school solitaire team and gives him an opportunity to impress Odette, the love of his life. Sadly, his efforts don't go down well with Odette's hockey-star boyfriend Alastair. Cormack's abilities also attract attention from the sinister underworld of championship solitaire.



Film Idea: A remake of Speed set on a tech company's plush private bus ferrying employees to work in Silicon Valley.

Sitcom Idea: One man's adventures at weddings. Each episode is set at a different wedding. Think Curb Your Enthusiasm × Party Down.

Halloween Idea: Distribute candy to children wearing a fake and conspicuous ankle bracelet.

Novelty Item Idea: CVS receipt toilet paper.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

25. Walk of Shame (Game of Thrones, S05E10)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Damn, Arya (Game of Thrones, S05E10)
  • Game of Thrones Season Grade: B-
  • "And Filipinos find this amusing? They are a fascinating people." (Silicon Valley, S02E10)
  • "You do not call a man a fool on the transom of his own home, a home that happens to be the world headquarters of a company giving streaming video of a man who's about to drink his own urine online for tens of thousands of Filipinos." (Silicon Valley, S02E10)
  • Silicon Valley Season Grade: B+
  • "Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!"
    "Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states." (Veep, S04E10)
  • "Everybody give it up for Band of the Horses." (Veep, S04E10)
  • "Amy Brookheimer, who so successfully ran my campaign until she became unwell." (Veep, S04E10)
  • Veep Season Grade: B-
  • "It's [dancing] the opposite of homicide. Always look in your opponent's eyes." (Penny Dreadful, S02E07)
  • "Welcome to the night, Vanessa." (Penny Dreadful, S02E07)
  • "I'll cry at a human's touch / And crying with a hard-on is too muuuuuch." (China, IL, S03E10)
  • Cat Power as a talking gorilla (China, IL, S03E10)
  • China, IL Season Grade: B-
  • "Johnny Idiot Face over there is never gonna bring you a title." (WWE Raw, 06-15-15)
  • "He got Miz all over me." (WWE Raw, 06-15-15)
  • RT: Someone just called Gordon Ramsay "the godfather of steak." (MasterChef, S06E06)
  • "That may have been impulsive." (Hannibal, S03E03)
  • "Technically, you killed him." (Hannibal, S03E03)
  • "You cannot preserve entropy. It gradually descends into disorder." (Hannibal, S03E03)
  • "What were you like as a young man?"
    "I was rooting for Mephistopheles and contemptuous of Faust." (Hannibal, S03E03)
  • "How did your sister taste?" (Hannibal, S03E03)
  • "She's left a trail of successes behind her as long as his dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
  • "He has a history of trashing rooms as long as his dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
  • "I wish I had a story half as interesting as theirs or this guy's dick." (Childrens Hospital, S06E14)
  • Childrens Hospital Season Grade: D+
  • "You know the dangers of diabetic ketoacidosis!" (A Deadly Adoption, 06-20-15)
  • "I don't tape."
    "You will be sorry when I slice your bicep." (Orphan Black, S03E10)
  • Orphan Black Season Grade: C
  • "All the David Sedarises. Or Sedari, I guess?" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E03)
  • "White people, and other." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E04)
  • What a year it's been for Yaz (Orange Is the New Black, S03E04)
  • "So, umm…Walmart. Uhh, how 'bout Walmart?" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E05)
  • "Oh, last year I got into such a huge fight at the expo. Some dude's like, 'If you got a horn on your head, you can't be Pegasus. Pegasus isn't a unicorn.' And I'm like, 'In Sailor Moon he is, bitch!'" (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
  • "No one here is people." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
  • Chang watching a Chinese drama (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)
  • "Red Velvet is shit." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E06)


Death by 1000 cuts

Concert Idea: An r&b/hip-hop Royal Rumble – 30 artists only performing collaborations.

To illustrate: Jay Z and Kanye West are one and two. They perform a few Watch the Throne songs. Rihanna enters at three. All three perform "Run This Town." Paul McCartney enters at four. Kanye, Rihanna, and Paul perform "FourFiveSeconds." Paul exits. Eminem enters at five. Jay and Eminem perform "Renegade." Jay exits. Rihanna and Eminem perform "Love the Way You Lie." Rihanna exits. Lil Wayne enters at six. Eminem and Wayne perform "No Love." Drake enters at seven. Kanye, Eminem, Wayne, and Drake perform "Forever." And so forth.

Idea: The remaining Beastie Boys complete/expand the sections of "B-Boy Bouillabaisse" and release them as a mixtape.

Live out your fantasies


Kristen Wiig in The Martian

Irrfan Khan in Jurassic World

Universal Cinematic Universe: Phase Three

July 2016
Jurassic Parks and Recreation
A found footage documentary on Jurassic World and its employees. Its filmmakers were killed in the pterodactyl attack in Jurassic World.

April 2017
Jurass and the Furious
Hobbs recruits Dom's team to help retrieve the embryos that Wu flees with in Jurassic World. Chris Pratt fills the Paul Walker void. They retrieve the embryos, but some are missing. Post-credits scene: Dinosaur eggs hatch in an lab. Zoom out. The lab is in Silicon Valley.

October 2017
The New World
Super intelligent dinosaurs rise up in Northern California. It's basically Rise of the Planet of the Apes, sans a humanity-killing virus.

April 2018
Jurassic War (co-production with Paramount)
To combat the super intelligent dinosaurs, the United States Armed Forces return to Jurassic World, weaponize the remaining dinosaurs, and transport them to America. When that fails, POTUS asks Optimus Prime for help. Enter Dinobots, which drive the super intelligent dinosaurs to release a humanity-killing virus.

October 2018
Jurassic Planet
As the humanity-killing virus spreads, Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, and Owen track down Doc Brown via Marty McFly, and they all travel back in time to terminate the earliest ancestors of the super intelligent dinosaurs.

Band-Aids don't fix bullet holes

Some ads are more equal than others.

Mariah Carey will be the new face of "Game of War."

Producers of the mobile game have inked a seven figure deal with Mariah, who replaces Kate Upton, for which the singer will shoot a 30-second commercial. The shoot will last two days and the guy in charge is the director for "Terminator Genisys."

One of the big selling points is that Mariah's music will be part of the spot. [source]

Oh lord…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

24. Blood on the dance floor (Penny Dreadful, S02E06)

Honourable Mention

  • R-Truth thinks he's in Money In The Bank (WWE Raw, 06-08-15)
  • A corpse flayed and folded into something resembling a human heart unfolds itself and reforms as a half man, half stag, with hooves and antlers (Hannibal, S03E02)

Stray Observations

  • Giant burrito (Cutthroat Kitchen, S08E04)
  • "Anal dilation aside, what do you think of our case?" (Silicon Valley, S02E09)
  • ♫: Art of Noise – "Close (to the Edit)" (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E02)
  • Every nickname assigned to Jonah (Veep, S04E09)
  • "My college friends called me 'Tall McCartney.'" (Veep, S04E09)
  • "I was getting some medicine."
    "What kind of medicine?"
    "It's…knee medicine."
    "I have problems with my left knee. It hurts when I crouch."
    "What was the name of the medicine?"
    "Umm, I want to say, it's called, uhh,…Crouch Cream." (Veep, S04E09)
  • "Girls won't fuck you if you're not a feminist." (China, IL, S03E09)
  • "How was your weekend?"
    "Great. So great, man. I got a lot out of my system – namely, semen." (China, IL, S03E09)
  • Hulk Hogan eating Julia Roberts' pube (China, IL, S03E09)
  • "…now that the love of my life is gonna shoot out of the dean's ass in a few hours." (China, IL, S03E09)
  • Canned corn in a dessert (MasterChef, S06E05)
  • "Your grits give me the shits." (MasterChef, S06E05)
  • "God can't save any of us because it's inelegant. Elegance is more important than suffering. That's his design." (Hannibal, S03E02)
  • "A valentine written on a broken man." (Hannibal, S03E02)
  • I keep thinking Ben Feldman is Thomas Ian Nicholas (Childrens Hospital, S06E13)
  • Helena as Alison (Orphan Black, S03E09)
  • Castor is Leda! Leda is Castor! Castor is a woman! (Orphan Black, S03E09)
  • "Nice is for cowards and Democrats." (Orange Is the New Black, S03E02)


Her placenta falls to the floor

China, ravenous for American event movies, has been a particularly harsh blow. Tomorrowland bowed to $13.8 million there in early June, getting trounced by the $38.3 million opening of Stand by Me Doraemon. [source]

Am I the only person frustrated by the state of hand drying in public washrooms?


Paper Towel
One is never enough.

Classic Hand Dryer
Takes bloody forever.

Dyson Airblade
Better in theory than in practice.

Gets the floor beneath it all wet and gross.

Dyson Combination Sink Tap/Hand Dryer
Splashback. Like rinsing a spoon.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

23. WHITEWALKAZ!!!! (Game of Thrones, S05E08)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • The band Mastodon played wildlings (Game of Thrones, S05E08)
  • More like Lord of Broken Bones, amirite? (Game of Thrones, S05E08)
  • "He's prettier than both my daughters, but he knows how to fight." (Game of Thrones, S05E08)

(Game of Thrones, S05E08)

(Game of Thrones, S05E08)

  • I didn't recognize Gordon at first (Halt and Catch Fire, S02E01)
  • "What are you doing? This is Palo Alto. People are lunatics about smoking here. We don't enjoy all the freedoms that you have in China." (Silicon Valley, S02E08)
  • "He's not gonna do shit. He's a coder."
    "By definition, we're all pussies." (Silicon Valley, S02E08)
  • "Join the circle jerk. Grab a dick." (Veep, S04E08)
  • "Well, this is a long glass of frozen strawberry fuck-up." (Veep, S04E08)
  • "You think I wanna be in this fuckin' Minecraft piece of shit?" (Veep, S04E08)
  • "You colossal fuckin' fanny pack!" (Veep, S04E08)
  • "You're parasites. You're like an infestation of mediocrity. I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster. You're Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin. And Nazi doctor." (Veep, S04E08)
  • "All sad people like poetry. Happy people like songs." (Penny Dreadful, S02E05)
  • RT: That, uh, that was some sex, huh? (Penny Dreadful, S02E05)
  • "Shut up and do as I say, or else you are a Chris Brown." (China, IL, S03E08)
  • "I didn't shit right!" (China, IL, S03E08)
  • F bomb! (Community, S06E13)
  • Jeff standing up and removing his shirt in Dean Pelton's pitch (Community, S06E13)
  • Tom Waits adjace version of the theme song (Community, S06E13)
  • Two F bombs! (Community, S06E13)
  • "I want to have an opinion about those [looks around] boring-ass Marvel movies." (Community, S06E13)
  • "I want to have so much behind me I'm not a slave to what's in front of me, especially these [looks around] flavourless, unremarkable Marvel movies." (Community, S06E13)
  • RT: One last dig at Port and Guarascio, as Chang explains, "I farted during the fourth one. It's an inside joke." (Community, S06E13)
  • Community Season Grade: C+
  • "Bonsoir." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "Smells of candy apples and thyme. You smoked me in thyme."
    "Smoked, glazed, served on a sugar cane quill. You'll be falling off the bone." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "This isn't cannibalism, Abel. It's only cannibalism if we're equals." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "You no longer have ethical concerns, Hannibal. You have aesthetical ones."
    "Ethics become aesthetics." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "Your peace is without morality."
    "Morality doesn't exist. Only morale." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "I've taken off my person suit." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "Will Graham was not a suitable substitute for therapy." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "My wife and I would love to have you for dinner." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • Bedelia eating oysters and acorns (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "My husband has a very sophisticated palate. He's very particular about how I taste."
    "Is it that kind of party?" (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • Zachary Quinto cameo (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "You overestimate my affection for the genuine Dr. Fell. Clearly, you found him as distasteful as I did."
    "On the contrary." (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "Observe or participate?" (Hannibal, S03E01)
  • "You're leaving in the middle of a show?"
    "I'm like Gladiator – I want to beat Traffic." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E20)
  • "I just hope my last dying word isn't something stupid like 'nardmaster.'" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E20)
  • "What is that thing?"
    "This thing is Wes Borland." (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S03E01)


What does a rancher have to be so jolly about?

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I run outside every day, a 90-minute route around my neighbourhood.

As my bladder is not what it used to be, I frequently have to pee during runs. Fortunately, I live in an area where homes are constantly changing owners, so porta-potties for remodelers constantly pop up outside homes.

While I generally slink in and out of strangers' porta-potties with no issue, I have been caught empty-bladdered a few times.

One time, at night, I bounded out of a porta-potty beside a home's side gate as its female owner pulled into the driveway, and I think I scared her, because the next day, the porta-potty was gone.

Another time, I exited a porta-potty beside a home's side gate as the couple who owned the home were walking up the driveway. Panicked at seeing them, I blew past the female owner as she tried to grab my left arm and continued on my route. 10 minutes later, while running through a different region of my neighbourhood, I heard a woman shouting in my direction. The couple was following me in their car. Not sure what to do, I acted like they didn't exist and just kept running. Eventually, they relented.

Which brings me to today.

I reach the final porta-potty currently on my route (one beside a home's side gate), debate whether or not to pee, and decide to be safe than sorry.

So I pee, like, two fingers, and as I'm about to exit, I hear a father and daughter outside the door.


What do I do? If I exit right now, I might scare them, and I'll definitely raise questions.

Just explain that you really needed to pee and couldn't hold it in any longer. The father will understand.

Will he, though?

You just had to be safe, didn't you, Jon?

By the time I had worked up enough courage to exit and explain myself, the pee explanation no longer worked.

He'll wonder why I was in the porta-potty for so long if I was just peeing. Will he understand me pooing outside his home?

Well, the only other option is to wait them out.

It's dusk. How long could they be outside for?

I end up standing still inside the porta-potty for 30 minutes.

Rory: Maybe don't use porta-potties beside side gates anymore.

Paint a vulgar picture

Cheese pizza pizza

Jon: It was a paper container for food from the hot bar at Whole Foods. So it's paper – recycle. But the inside of the container is coated with something to prevent liquid from seeping through the paper, so….garbage. But the coating might be biodegradable – compost?

Jon: The example items listed on the bins weren't helpful.

Mobile App Idea: You photograph something and it tells you if it's garbage, recycle, or compost.

Imagine a world where Gordon Ramsey has one terrible shithole of a bar/nightclub, but is convinced it will succeed. What would happen if Jon Taffer rescued it? [source]

Story Idea: A man offers food and shelter to homeless veterans, and in exchange, they kill people for him. Experienced expendable assassins.

Idea: A sequel to Sleepaway Camp in which Caitlyn Jenner plays a much older Angela raising the transgender daughter of disapproving parents she killed.

Idea: A slasher film set in the world of alt comedy.

Jon: How would Chelsea Peretti react if her life was in grave danger?
Jon: Picture Chelsea Peretti running scared from a masked person wielding a hatchet.

Mike: Patton Oswalt issues a series of tweets pleading for the lives of his friends, "explaining" why the killer won't win.

Mike: Brett Gelman dies in a strange theatre piece and no one realizes it. He's murdered in front of everyone.
Jon: That's the opening scene. Then… Who dies first – Hannibal Buress or Ron Funches?

Jon: Some try to hide from the killer as characters they play.
Jon: "Huell Howser" running scared.