Blow steam in the face of the beast


While driving my eight-year-old niece to Chinese school today, she began singing a song about poo poo that transitioned into her spewing expletives and giggling.

Despite being an incorrigible cusser, I was taken aback.

Something about expletives coming out of a pre-teen's mouth has always scandalised me. As a 12-year-old, it shocked me to hear fellow 12-year-old Frank say "shit" at the beginning of the film Milk Money, never mind that the first film I ever saw was RoboCop, which was rated X 11 times before receiving an R.

I wish I could remember when I crossed the threshold from "oooh, he said a bad word" to "eh, fuck it." For all the hand-wringing in America over language, "began openly cussing" is not a life milestone that we consciously pass.


"Mike, Killer"

On the White House Correspondents' Association dinner:

1. Imagine the comedy routines of Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, or Scott Walker.

2. I'm surprised that Ellen has never hosted.

3. John Oliver is totally hosting next year.

4. Richard Pryor hosted in 1968, a month after Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act.

5. Who hosts nearer in the future: A black comedian or Jeff Ross?

There is eclectic, and then there is this:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. Football Town Nights (Inside Amy Schumer, S03E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Cersei has offered a lordship to the man who brings her your head."
    "She ought to offer her cunt. Best part of her for the best part of me." (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
  • RT: Darkly amusing edit, from Tyrion in Essos wondering if Cersei will kill all the dwarves in the world, to a decapitated dwarf head being presented to the queen mother. (Game of Thrones, S05E02)
  • "Oh, farts." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "You were my shade! And my pants!" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "Was your mother Jessica Tandy?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E11)
  • "Don't listen to Jane Fonda here." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "You don't have any character; you're just handsome." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "I don't want to be rigid. It makes you old." (Mad Men, S07E10)
  • "The girl I'm fucking was in the Olympics." (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "You know what they say: 'bros disclose.'" (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "Get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and then I'll go find some hos to prioritize behind you."
    "Are you trying to say 'bros before hos'? (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • The Rose and Crown (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • Mariachi band cliffhanger (Silicon Valley, S02E02)
  • "Also: hair. Ask Marianne about electrolysis." (Veep, S04E02)

(Veep, S04E02)

  • "I just wanted to say a friendly 'hello' in an unfriendly way. Hello." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Catherine, America doesn't like you. It's not that you are unlikable; it's that there's a perception that you are unlikable." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are military service or childbirth." (Veep, S04E02)
  • "Is it pronounced 'Sharlize' or 'Charlize'?"
    "Pretty sure it's 'Sharlize.'"
    "Are you sure? Why?"
    "I don't know, man. She's from Africa. That's just how they say 'C-H' in Africa."
    "So that one African country is called 'Shad'?" (China, IL, S03E03)
  • Pony putting a band-aid on her open fracture (China, IL, S03E03)
  • "Can't a woman get in a freakin' mood for one night without the whole world coming to an end?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)
  • "How much this run pay?"
    "After FICA and Social Security?" (Bates Motel, S03E07)
  • "I've e-mailed every former student who's not in prison – or jail. Everyone remember there's a difference."
    "What's the difference?"
    "You go to jail if a cop doesn't like you. They can't send you to prison without knowing you're poor." (Community, S06E07)
  • "Eat your feet!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • The Chinese school teacher (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • "Brian?"
    "Topanga?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E13)
  • Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: B-
  • "I wonder what that's like, somebody constantly questioning your blackness, just because you misquoted the lyrics to 'Ain't No Fun.'"
    "Why would Nate Dogg sing 'and you even lit my halls'?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
  • "People have been hounding me to watch an O.J. movie?" (Black-ish, S01E20)
  • "They only have my body." (The Americans, S03E13)
  • Suicide note on a Commodore 64 (The Americans, S03E13)
  • RT: Sandra: Let's agree to tell each other everything!
    Philip:  :| (The Americans, S03E13)
  • Paige! (The Americans, S03E13)
  • The Americans Season Grade: B+
  • "There are more bicycles in the Netherlands than people." (The Amazing Race, S26E09)
  • Vince Gilligan, Tom Green, and Lil Jon (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E14)
  • "Would you have a meal of chicken tikka masala with me?"
    "That is a typical food of India, which, of course, is where we both are right now." (Childrens Hospital, S06E06)
  • "This erection's for you, Barb." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E01)
  • "The Motel." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E05)
  • "Mow-Em-$ayin." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E06)

(Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)

  • "Neapolitan Charlie." (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
  • Bubbles quoting "Beat It" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E07)
  • "Private Dancer, lower your weapon!" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
  • Bubbles parodying "Tiny Dancer" (Trailer Park Boys, S09E08)
  • Sam wants Swiss Chalet (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
  • Jacob's "Life Without Horses? …I Don't Think So!" shirt (Trailer Park Boys, S09E09)
  • Trailer Park Boys Season Grade: C-


Burn my lungs and curse my eyes

Remind to use this when Daylight Saving Time ends.

A boy raised from birth to be a hit man begins to recalibrate his moral compass in "Partisan."

Go on…

The movie resembles "Dogtooth" and another recent festival favorite, "The Tribe."

SOLD. Add it to the list!

2015 films I must see:
1. The Wolfpack
2. Prince
3. Doglegs
4. Partisan

The film is set in an unnamed, decaying urban environment, where Gregori (Vincent Cassel) heads what amounts to a cult in an isolated compound. He lives with several women and their children, training the kids for killing missions.

I am Hamm

Story Idea: A hotly anticipated music album leaks, and everyone who listens to the leak dies as soon as they stop listening.

Sketch Idea: Modern Funeral. Selfies with the corpse, obvs. Tweet your respects using the hashtag #roryin5words. Eulogies: 28 things you probably didn't know about Rory, 19 things only childhood friends of Rory will understand. A pre-recorded video is played of Rory reacting to his or her death – "Hey guys…"

NHL Idea: The team that wins the Presidents' Trophy receives a free power play that it can use at any time during the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Horizon Lines, Volume and Infinity

4-20 special: chicken fingers with cotton candy, cotton candy caramel, and pop rocks

In college, I dipped corn dogs in butterscotch sauce.

How did I not know about the GastroMagic area at Outside Lands?

Twerking for doughnuts. Competitive butchering while B-boys perform. A discussion of mezcal featuring a limbo contest.

Eater's Digest: Las Vegas

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Oh that "Beef Wellington" looks good. How much is it?


Then I saw the price of the king crab.

Greetings from Las Vegas.

March 2015

yusho / bacchanal buffet at caesars palace / sweets raku / the buffet at wynn / du-par's / district one / o face doughnuts / carson kitchen / bazaar meat / bachi burger / culinary dropout / public house (the venetian) / the buffet at wynn / rose. rabbit. lie. / cravings buffet at the mirage

Gold Stars

Pretzel Bar (The Buffet at Wynn)
—The best buffet item in all of Las Vegas – confectionery crack.

Boneless Chicken Wings Skewer (Yusho)
thai chile, bonito salt, lime

12 oz. Ribeye Skewer (Yusho)
wagyu, mushroom ragout, aonori

Hamachi Kama (Yusho)
thai peanut sauce, coconut slaw, lime

Orange Beer Sorbet (Bacchanal Buffet)

Stella [Strawberry Tiramisu] (Sweets Raku)

Buttermilk Hotcakes (Du-par's)

Root Beer Float Doughnut (O Face Doughnuts)
vanilla pudding, root beer caramel, chocolate covered pop rocks

Cotton Candy Foie Gras (Bazaar Meat)
crispy amaranth

A smidge of fatty liver in a cotton candy cocoon. Not bad, but not worth $8 a pop.

Beef and Parmesan Grissini Carpaccio (Bazaar Meat)
washugyu beef, espuma, caramelized onion purée

Sublime raw meat batons. Totally worth $26.

Cravings To-Go! (Cravings Buffet)
—VEGAS BUFFET TAKE-OUT. All you can fit into a container for $16. I wonder if anyone has done it.

Bacon Jam (Carson Kitchen)
baked brie, toasted baguette

A hot jam, with indiscernible Brie.

Crispy Chicken Skins (Carson Kitchen)
smoked honey

Order this instead.

Pizza Doughnut (O Face Doughnuts)
pepperoni, marinara, fresh mozzarella

Made to order and just wretched. Like a clumsy Hot Pocket.

A Lox and Cream Cheese Doughnut is also available. [shudders]

Caviar Tacos (Rose. Rabbit. Lie.)
wild caviar, yukon gold potato shell, hamachi

The name is misleading. They are petite raw fish tacos topped with caviar.

Fish Tacos (District One)
yellow tail, avocado, cilantro, cherry tomato, serrano pepper

Same raw fish. No caviar. Just as tasty.

Also, you order off an edible menu that, when I visited, was served with an apricot dipping sauce.

Pot au Pho (Rose. Rabbit. Lie.)
filet mignon, beef brisket, foie gras, thai basil nage

A mash-up of pot-au-feu, a French boiled dinner of meat and vegetables, and pho, a Vietnamese noodle soup. No noodles, to my dismay. Just a pho-flavoured pot-au-feu.

Chocolate Terrarium (Rose. Rabbit. Lie.)
chocolate pudding, chocolate buttermilk cake, chocolate "soil," puffed wild rice, crispy chocolate tuile, hazelnut ice cream

Everything under the dome is edible, including the flowers, should you want to eat real flowers.

The puffed rice larvae are a fun touch.

Missed Connections

[$27.77] Golden Jackpot Pancakes (The Pantry)
seven pancakes, seven types of chocolate [milk, white, caramelized white, dolce white, caramel, 64% dark, 66% dark], orange marmalade, whipped cream, 23-karat gold flakes

Live Whole Maine Lobster Pho (District One)
lobster, rice noodle soup

Croquetas de Pollo (Bazaar Meat)
chicken-bechamel fritters

Served in a glass sneaker designed by Salma Hayek's brother.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

16. Pooey Louie (Louie, S05E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "But I didn't do anything!"
    "Bologna on rye, Phil!"
    "No! Truth meat on honesty bread!" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E10)
  • "I asked for a do-over and instead I got a doo doo-over. Boom, I still got it." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E10)
  • "Todd, I did not co-write 'Fields of Gold.' The only person who wrote that song was Sting." (The Last Man on Earth, S01E10)
  • The Winklevii? (Silicon Valley, S02E01)
  • "I don't want to live in a world where someone else makes the world a better place better than we do." (Silicon Valley, S02E01)
  • Ronnie Gardocki! (Silicon Valley, S02E01)
  • Reposado! (Silicon Valley, S02E01)

(Silicon Valley, S02E01)

  • "That's just the kind of guy that Peter was – warm, generous, and not disappointed in Snapchat." (Silicon Valley, S02E01)
  • "That wasn't a cock-thumb. That was a cock-cock!" (Veep, S04E01)
  • "Shit doesn't hit fuck." (Veep, S04E01)
  • "'FUTURE WHATEVER.'" (Veep, S04E01)
  • "If you call a white guy 'brother,' then he'll give you everything you want." (China, IL, S03E02)
  • "The spirit of Jesus is a man who never touched a booby." (China, IL, S03E02)
  • 50 shades of Gotham (Gotham, S01E19)
  • Norma shooting her phone (Bates Motel, S03E06)
  • Norman in a dress (Bates Motel, S03E06)
  • "We're talking about freedom of speech. It's the amendment so important, it's literally the first one they remembered to add."
    "For white people."
    "With penises."
    "We prefer to be called people without colour or vaginas." (Community, S06E06)
  • "Let's see you type more descriptions of my 'Houseguest-era Sinbad wardrobe.'" (Community, S06E06)
  • All-American Girl, heh (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E12)
  • Face Off Season Grade: D
  • "Sorry, fellas. Want to drink in here, you need a badge or a pair of tits."
    "Art, [sigh] show him your tits." (Justified, S06E13)
  • "You gonna read that book, Tim?"
    "No, Nelson, I'm gonna eat it." (Justified, S06E13)
  • "We dug coal together." (Justified, S06E13)
  • Justified Season Grade: B
  • Joe Torre holding back Will Sasso (The Comedians, S01E02)
  • "I'm just trying to fit in with all these legends and Will Sasso." (The Comedians, S01E02)
  • Pamela nixing the flashback (Louie, S05E02)
  • Bart Folding (Louie, S05E02)
  • Lucas Bros. Moving Co. Season Grade: B-
  • "My dad, when he moved from Rome to Seattle, he literally said, 'The fun part of my life is over.'"
    "Did he happen to say that when you burst out of your mother's vagina as well?"
    "Yes, but I didn't burst out. I was cut out."
    "Straight through the old…"
    "No, they went through her back. Very rare Italian C-section through the back."
    "Oh, through her back. That's interesting. That's how you were conceived." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E13)


Sorry, No Carnitas

You know, I expected more fuss over Mindy Kaling's brother posing as a black person when applying for medical school – the Mindy's brother's project.

In my junior year of college, I realized that I didn't have the grades or test scores to get into medical school, at least not as an Indian-American.

Still, I was determined to become a doctor and I knew that admission standards for certain minorities under affirmative action were, let's say… less stringent?

So, I shaved my head, trimmed my long Indian eyelashes, and applied to medical school as a black man. I even joined the Organization of Black Students.

Bollywood Soul Man!

Vijay the Indian-American frat boy became Jojo the African American Affirmative Action applicant to medical school.

Reverse Urkel.

Jojo is his middle name – Vijay Jojo Chokalingam. (What kind of Indian parents pick Mindy and Jojo as middle names for their children?)

Not everything worked out as planned. Cops harassed me. Store clerks accused me of shoplifting. Women were either scared of me or found my bald power dome very attractive.


Don't you have to list your full name when applying to college? Vijay the African-American?

Rory: Indian father, black mother.

As a child, I was fascinated by John Howard Griffin's Black Like Me.

In retrospect, I'm surprised that anyone thought he was a black person. His facial features are conspicuously off.

Story Idea: While repeating John Howard Griffin's Black Like Me experiment in contemporary America, a white college student is unjustifiably shot and killed by a cop.

Story Idea: Self-made Batman. When a black lad's parents are unjustifiably shot and killed by a cop…

Sitcom Idea: An Indian (feather) man with three sons marries an Indian (dot) woman with three daughters. Set in Indiana.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. The Interview (Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, 04-05-15)

Honourable Mention

  • Eddie Murphys (New Girl, S04E20)
  • Hallway Fight (Daredevil, S01E02)

Stray Observations

  • "You'd be surprised how many co-eds want it up the butt. Think it preserves their virginity. They call it the 'poophole loophole.'" (Shameless, S05E12)
  • "You make me happy. I'm happy when I'm around you."
    "Happy is overrated. Grow up, Fiona." (Shameless, S05E12)
  • Shameless Season Grade: C
  • "Come back with my shoes, you Latin trickster!" (China, IL, S03E01)
  • "You're gonna have strawberries on your ass." (China, IL, S03E01)
  • "That Turkish guy is an analmal." (China, IL, S03E01)
  • "Life is shit. It's that way for everyone. There's only one thing that makes it better: Boar jerky." (Bates Motel, S03E05)
  • "Chicago Sunroof" (Better Call Saul, S01E10)
  • "Lucianne, he's not Kevin Costner."
    "What? So who's this guy?"
    "Uhh, not Kevin Costner's manager." (Better Call Saul, S01E10)
  • Better Call Saul Season Grade: B
  • "Where I'm from, you accuse somebody of something, you better have evidence, or he better be a minority." (Community, S06E05)
  • "Air Pippens." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E11)
  • "I'm seeing you through a Pepsi." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E11)
  • "I'm gonna treat myself to a pedicure done by a white lady. That's when you know you've made it." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E11)

Drew Magary (Chopped, S22E09)

  • "They put out your greatest hits, it'd be a double album."
    "Shit, double live, man, from Japan!" (Justified, S06E12)
  • "Jenny here, you gotta leave her firing chamber empty avoiding accidental discharge. Bad news, her chamber is full of promise now." (Justified, S06E12)
  • "Double shit!" (Justified, S06E12)
  • "My life is my own." (Justified, S06E12)
  • "Does the girl twin still live with you?"
    "Not a fan." (Black-ish, S01E19)
  • "Good sauce, though. Murderer!" (Black-ish, S01E19)
  • Workaholics Season Grade: C-
  • Fortitude Season Grade: D+
  • "We are automatically someone else's South America. We are going to be the South America planet of some America planet." (Louie, S05E01)
  • "I think doing stunts is a stupid gimmick, and much like the earth's mantle, it's beneath us." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E12)

(Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E12)

  • "It's freezing this high up. Next time, we're meeting at Per Se." (Daredevil, S01E01)
  • "You should be out having a life, doing poppers and flapper dancing." (Daredevil, S01E02)
  • And Robert Durst as Stick (Daredevil, S01E07)
  • Stone? (Daredevil, S01E07)
  • Vincent D'Onofrio's struggle Mandarin (Daredevil, S01E08)
  • Flaming ninja (Daredevil, S01E09)
  • "I want to look in their eyes when I salt the earth with their blood." (Daredevil, S01E11)
  • Yoo-hoo (Daredevil, S01E11)
  • "Growing to love something is really simply forgetting slowly what you dislike about it." (Daredevil, S01E11)
  • Wesley! (Daredevil, S01E11)
  • Extreme parkour (Daredevil, S01E12)
  • Fisk does not care for cat videos (Daredevil, S01E12)
  • He doesn't have a city, he got family (Daredevil, S01E13)
  • Daredevil Season Grade: B-



In China to donate his kidney to his dying niece, former black-ops agent Deacon awakes the day before the operation to find he is the latest victim of organ theft. Stitched up and pissed-off, Deacon descends from his opulent hotel in search of his stolen kidney and carves a blood-soaked path through the darkest corners of the city. The clock is ticking for his niece and with each step he loses blood. [source]

His OPULENT hotel.

1:49 – "Where's my kidney?"
2:13 – Bible thumping



Will Forte on Bill Burr's podcast:

Bill How did you come up with [The Last Man on Earth]?

Will: We had settled on this other show idea. It was about… Val Kilmer used to, he stayed with me for a while 'cause we became buddies through MacGruber. This is in real life. He was leaving this one place, and wanted to look for another place, so he just needed a place to stay for what I thought was a couple days, and he just couldn't find the right place, so it ended up being several months. So that was what we were gonna write the show about. It was gonna be a partly fact, partly fictional…

Will: While [Val Kilmer] was staying with me, I was watching The Amazing Race. I was really into that show at the time. He thought I was an idiot for watching it, and then I got him fascinated by it, so we, for a short period of time, were planning to try to get on The Amazing Race together.

Val Kilmer should show up in season two of The Last Man on Earth playing himself. Celebrity survivor.

Started from the bottom

Sloan is a rock/power pop quartet from Halifax, Nova Scotia.

The success and recognition of their albums, (most notably Twice Removed) in rankings has made Sloan one of the best Canadian bands of all time.

In 2005, Twice Removed was named the best Canadian album ever.

One of the best Canadian bands of all time – who released the best Canadian album ever – playing at noon in a tent on Sunday.

They follow a local band that won a contest.

Kane Was There

// Las Vegas, NV

You know how people bemoan that MTV isn't music television anymore, or that History Channel isn't about history anymore? I feel similarly about most of the themed resorts on the Las Vegas Strip. Management has made hot messes of original concepts and designs. I mean, what even is Treasure Island now?

Ye olde Buca di Beppo

Sandwiched between The Cosmopolitan and Bellagio, the Jockey Club is the house in Up.

Considering that The Harmon at CityCenter is STILL being demolished, the carcasses of the unfinished Fontainebleau and Echelon Place resorts may just sit on the north side of the Strip forever, like scenic albatrosses.

The Fashion Show Mall is re-developing again. Remember when a submarine protruded from its facade for that restaurant created by Steven Spielberg?


Submarine to flying saucer to…

Jackie Robinson the basketball player reportedly intends to build a 22,000-seat arena on the Strip beside the Sahara SLS, never mind that MGM is currently building a 20,000-seat arena behind New York-New York. Three arenas within three miles of each other on the same street?

What Vegas needs is a new stadium (cough, Fontainebleau/Echelon Place). Super Bowl on the Strip. WrestleMania. Final Four.

Little Things

  • The seemingly endless stretch of Asian strip malls that is West Spring Mountain Road
  • The combination Panda Express and Chipotle beside Harrah's
  • The store in the Venetian mall that shows video in its windows of Michael Jackson shopping inside on a loop
  • The swanky stand-alone McDonald's outside dumpy Circus Circus
  • The house on the way from the airport to the Strip with a unipole billboard planted in its driveway
  • The hipster-y area neighbouring the east end of the Fremont Street Experience
  • The park created out of shipping containers in said hipster-y area
  • The shipping container treehouse in said park

»  The $7.5 million, 22,000-pound, kinetic chandelier at Omnia nightclub

Today marks the 6th anniversary of The Agony of Defeat.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

14. Partners (Justified, S06E11)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

Bandages, bandages, bandages (The Walking Dead, S05E16)

  • "I could kill you right now." (The Walking Dead, S05E16)
  • Is Rick Grimes gonna have to choke a zombie? (The Walking Dead, S05E16)
  • The Walking Dead Season Grade: C
  • Burst pipe rain (Shameless, S05E11)

(Shameless, S05E11)

  • "You got a hacksaw? Don't worry about it. It gets too messy." (Shameless, S05E11)
  • "Can we talk?"
    "Do you mind if I change into something that's got a little less poo in it?" (The Last Man on Earth, S01E07)

(Bates Motel, S03E04)

  • Norma cruises a coffee shop for a hacker, asks the Asian dude (Bates Motel, S03E04)
  • The immovable overturned announce table (WWE Raw, 03-30-15)
  • "Can't you just stall by doing what real IT people do?"
    "What's that?"
    "Exactly." (Community, S06E04)
  • "Wow, need time to fix it. You sound just like you work in IT." (Community, S06E04)
  • "I make gayness look like Mormonism." (Community, S06E04)
  • "My first love was Dolly Parton. What a butt." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E10)
  • "Boys, show Oscar to the guest bathroom."
    "We have a guest bathroom?"
    [whispering] "The bathroom." (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E10)
  • YTMND: "At the airPORT?!?!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S01E10)
  • "I didn't want to crush his family. That's why I'm at the memorial."
    "Not because it was the right thing to do?"
    "No, no. I mean, we never even went skiing." (New Girl, S04E19)
  • "Check my balls right now. Be purple they so blue." (Justified, S06E11)
  • "I don't even miss it anymore. It's like Circuit City." (Modern Family, S06E19)
  • "I thought you could help me, because…"
    "Because you're not good with words."
    "Well, I'm a doctor. I can't admit I'm not good at something." (Modern Family, S06E19)
  • Maury (Black-ish, S01E18)
  • "If it's a boy, I'm thinking 'Gimli.' If it's a girl…Gimli still works!" (Black-ish, S01E18)
  • How to get her to pee on a stick without knowing (Black-ish, S01E18)
  • "Don't drink the floor smoothie." (Workaholics, S05E12)
  • "I put peyote in the smoothies."
    "Peyote at work?"
    "As Joseph Rogan said, he took peyote before an MMA class and he said it was the bomb diggity."
    "Do NOT make up Joe Rogan quotes! That is NOT okay!"
    "Why did you Joe Rogan us? Why couldn't you just Seth Rogen us? We could've just smoked a bunch of weed." (Workaholics, S05E12)
  • RT: Henry really should be the second generation illegal. That porn stash is better concealed than some dead drops they've used. (The Americans, S03E10)
  • "That's not football; that's dots." (The Americans, S03E10)
  • Henry cluelessly nattering on about "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" (The Americans, S03E10)
  • Philip sharpening a knife while Paige eyes Stan (The Americans, S03E10)
  • "She seems like a normal baby weight."
    "Oh yes, and everyone deserves a trophy just for showing up and everyone's Kickstarter has merit." (Archer, S06E13)
  • "The sub is too small to track with our current technology."
    "Maybe the CIA should do a Kickstarter." (Archer, S06E13)
  • Archer Season Grade: D+
  • Troy Season Grade: C+
  • RT: Reality show rules:
    -Survivor? Know how to make fire
    -Amazing Race? Drive stick shift
    -Hell's Kitchen? Make scallops & risotto (The Amazing Race, S26E05)
  • "You were in the movie The Dark Knight Rises, where you played Commissioner Gordon-Levitt." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
  • "I didn't realize this movie meant that much to you."
    "It sort of launched my career in a lot of ways. I changed agents and everything afterwards." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
  • "Which outfit do you prefer for our big date tonight: This slinky red dress or this Battletoads costume?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
  • "Diane, wait, stop! If you step on that plane, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life."
    "Scott, you're too late. I'm stepping on this plane and I'm moving on with my life." – Chekhov's model airplane (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E11)
  • "Kirk Cameron. Alan Thicke calling here. I'm doing an ad in Siberia for horse bacon, and they're wondering if maybe we could get the whole cast of Growing Pains here. What do you think? Horse bacon, yeah. Hey, hey, hey. All of the proceeds will go to Christian ministries. And, uhh, all of the horses they slaughtered are gay. Heathen gay horses, yeah. (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E07)
  • "Satan's Dick Ring." (The Jack and Triumph Show, S01E07)
  • The Jack and Triumph Show Season Grade: C+
  • Pheasant calls (Childrens Hospital, S06E02)


Bully Pulpit

The 2015 Alternative Press Music Awards will feature performances from Weezer, Panic! At The Disco, New Found Glory, Taking Back Sunday, Simple Plan, Sum 41, the Madden Brothers and many more to be announced!

It's like the Grammys had a midlife crisis.

related: Warped Tour added a comedy tent?