Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

4. Nola vs. Burton (Banshee, S03E03)

A Fight Scene of the Year nominee.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "I've never had a taco." (Worst Cooks in America, S06E03)
  • "My favorite food is Hamburger Helper – with chicken." (Worst Cooks in America, S06E03)
  • "They may have female genitalia, but those lesbians are The Man." (Shameless, S05E02)
  • "I want to see the burning man!" (Shameless, S05E02)
  • The butler looks like Bomani Jones (Gotham, S01E12)
  • "In modern America, touching in public is quite permitted. Also warrants the expression 'get a room.'" (Sleepy Hollow, S02E13)
  • "Fat Chance, when we started, you had no control over your powers."

    "See this? Totally random."
    "Nonsense. This is a door to time and space. Where it goes is up to you. You must become Fat Choice." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)
  • "I hench for no man." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)
  • "Nobody but spies play baccarat." (The Venture Bros.: All This and Gargantua-2)

(Parks and Recreation, S07E03)

  • "Zach! Camp Wamapoke! You got a boner!" (Parks and Recreation, S07E03)
  • "The Somebody's Daughter Dancers." (Parks and Recreation, S07E03)
  • "Game of Thrones is on tonight! It's the series finale! Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow! Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails."
    "Look, it makes sense if you read the books." (Parks and Recreation, S07E04)
  • "Never really developed a taste for tequila. Kind of hard to understand how you make a drink out of something like that. Sharp, inhospitable. Same reason I never understood the fascination with the artichoke. Now bourbon is easy to understand. Tastes like a warm summer day." (Justified, S06E01)
  • "You need to be smart."
    "What I need is a $6 blow job. A smarter move I cannot imagine." (Justified, S06E01)
  • Swedish songwriters – heh (Empire, S01E03)
  • "What is this?"
    "This is Gus. He's a private detective that I hired."
    "You did what?"
    "He ain't cheating on you…" (Empire, S01E03)

(Best New Restaurant, S01E01)

(Workaholics, S05E02)

  • "No one gives a shit about bloody Cole Porter." (American Horror Story, S04E13)
  • American Horror Story Season Grade: D+
  • "My cock ring is sliding off."
    "Why my father is talking to me with a cinch around his penis is beyond my grasp." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Can I get a drink?"
    "Go ask one of the other ones."
    "What other ones?"
    "The other ones. The bird lady, the troll man." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Can I get a drink, please?"
    "No, not now. Ask one of the other ones. The dirty one or the gay one." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "What are some of the things we could talk about?"
    "Creatine shits." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Cowboys hate teachers. You know, cowboys are independent thinkers who like to learn for themselves." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Let's just keep it simple. Let's just start with our names."
    "Hi, ladies. I'm Frak. Shit!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "Ignition (Remix)," "Return of the Mack," "No Scrubs" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S10E02)
  • "I'll just masturbate." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E02)
  • "She hated the text. She's never going to respond. We have to save face. We have to pretend we were just kidding. Text 'JK.' Text 'JK'!" (Man Seeking Woman, S01E02)

(The Taste, S03E07)

  • The Taste Season Grade: C
  • "You have to try this. Hot cocoa, dark creme de cacao, hint of crème de menthe, and peppermint schnapps. I call it a 'peppermint patty.'" (Archer, S06E03)
  • "We head out at dawn."
    "And that's A.M.?"
    "As opposed to…?"
    "P.M. Dawn?"
    "'Set Adrift on Memory Bliss.' Come on, buddy." (Archer, S06E03)
  • "I have kind of a weird bucket list."
    "Number three: Bang Joe Frazier."
    "[sigh] Really regret sharing that with you." (Archer, S06E03)

(Portlandia, S05E03)

  • "All men like Brigitte Nielsen." (Portlandia, S05E03)

(Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)

  • "Make 'Em Say Uhh" reference (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)
  • All the food trucks (Lucas Bros. Moving Co., S02E02)
  • "I have many unique skills, including making the Predator noise." (King of the Nerds, S03E01)

(Banshee, S03E03)

  • Mile 69 – heh (Banshee, S03E03)
  • "I am Associate Professor X."
    "Wait a minute. Your name is X, as in the letter 'X'?"
    "E-C-K-S. My parents named me after their favourite film character, Jeremiah Ecks, from Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
  • "They should come out with a video game that's just stuff black people do."
    "Yeah, like a whole level to see who can tuck their shirt in their drawers and sag their pants the best."
    "What would the boss level be?"
    "Sell cocaine for at least five years." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
  • "If I get mad at a little person… What I do is I just throw a big sombrero on top of them and then put tortilla chips in there. And I make them walk around a party with a sombrero full of chips." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E03)
  • "You need Jesus."
    "I need Jesus and a can of ginger ale." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E10)
  • The Eric Andre Show Season Grade: A-


2014 Shady Spring Lane

Previously on Adam Riff™:

This week on Adam Riff™, we are answering the question What did dudes in their 30s enjoy listening to in 2014?

Alright. My turn.

Q: Jon, what did you enjoy listening to in 2014?


Three months in the making, this is…Rifflash:

2Vince Staples - 65 Hunnid
3Future Islands - Seasons (Waiting On You)
4Protomartyr - Scum, Rise!
5Raised By Wolves [from "Fargo"]
6Ben Khan - Youth
7Seahaven - On The Floor
8Bros Before Hos [from "Neighbors"]
9Drake - 0 To 100 / The Catch Up
10††† (Crosses) - The Epilogue
11Damon Albarn - Photographs (You Are Taking Now)
12The Secret Fate Of All Life [from "True Detective"]
13Cliff Martinez - Will It Hurt [from "The Knick"]
14The Hotelier - Discomfort Revisited
15Josef Salvat - Open Season
16RATKING - Snow Beach
17The Exorcist [from "Nathan For You"]
18Dead Times - Every Moment
19Water Liars - Let It Breathe
20Isaiah Rashad - West Savannah (feat. SZA)
21Eulogy For Augustus Waters [from "The Fault In Our Stars"]
22The War On Drugs - Red Eyes
23Freddie Gibbs and Madlib - Harold's
24Jamie T - Love Is Only A Heartbeat Away
25Optimal Tip-To-Tip Efficiency [from "Silicon Valley"]
26The Dirty Nil - Cinnamon
27Taylor Swift - Blank Space
28A Selfish Act [from "Utopia"]
29We Were Promised Jetpacks - Peaks And Troughs
30Logic - I'm Gone
31Justin Meyer [from "The Skeleton Twins"]
32Small Wonder - Until I Open My Wings
33Slothrust - 7:30 AM

Humongous thanks to Jon Wilcox for the artwork, and to Mike, Matt, and Adam Robot for sundry beta testing.

Oh and my son thinks I should note to not let the wonky first 90 seconds of the RATKING song deter you from experiencing the second half.

alternate download link

Goin' up, on a Thursday

Previously on Adam Riff™: Songs of Instruments

This week on Adam Riff™, we are answering the question What did dudes in their 30s enjoy listening to in 2014?

Q: DJ Ben, what did you enjoy listening to in 2014?


Straight from the clubs of our nation's capital, this is…Awesome Mix Vol. 14:

alternate stream/download link

I never wanted to hold you back, I just wanted to hold on

Suppose that a beloved artist/band announces that they will release a new album the day after Election Day, but only if their chosen candidate wins. Otherwise, the album will be destroyed. Let's assume that the promise is made with enough time to register to vote. Who would have the most influence? Who has the most voting-age fans who give enough of a shit to register and make it to the polls, but not enough of a shit to respect the democratic process? Beyoncé?

Beyoncé. I can't even think of anyone who would come close. Every white girl in her twenties would go fleeing to the polls, which would give the Democratic candidate a significant boost in terms of voter turnout.

In fact, if I were the Democratic candidate, I would do exactly this. I would set up a Super PAC and funnel $10 million to Beyoncé (do Super PACs work like that? Probably not), and then I would ask her to make a video to be released on midnight of Election Day, but it only gets released if I win (provided Beyoncé agrees with my liberal pledge to give every American a free puppy and institute a tax on misspelled web comments). Then I would sweep the coastal states, carry the Midwest, defeat the GOP, and Beyoncé would unleash a five-minute video of herself dancing with a chair and singing WAY too fast, and people would lose their goddamn minds. That's the kind of modern electioneering you have to look forward to in 2016. [source]

The Smiths. Sweep the Latino vote.

You let me down now like I let you down then

Two chefs go head-to-head after hours at host Ilan Hall's restaurant.

Two Las Vegas-based chefs go head-to-head after hours on the Las Vegas strip.

Host Duff Goldman's bakery becomes a battleground after hours for two teams of cake decorators.

What even is this concept?

The Unexpected Virtue of Sibilance

Previously on Adam Riff™:

This week on Adam Riff™, we are answering the question What did dudes in their 30s enjoy listening to in 2014?

Q: Adam Robot and White Jon, what did you enjoy listening to in 2014?


Ladies and gentlemen, this is…Songs of Instruments:

1Single Mothers - Marbles
2Yautja - Tar and Blindness
3Baptists - Bloodmines
4Myrkur - Dybt I Skoven
5Tigers Jaw - Cool
6A Pregnant Light - Circle of Crying Women
7Gridlink - Constant Autumn
8United Nations - United Nations vs. United Nations
9The Life and Times - Again
10Audrey Fall - Wolmar
11Whirr - Clear
12Floor - Rocinante
13Flying Lotus - Never Catch Me (feat. Kendrick Lamar)
14Tycho - Awake
15Nothing - B&E
16Joyce Manor - Heart Tattoo

alternate download link

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

3. Fifty Shades of Grey (Togetherness, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have, um, original no flavour and…whole wheat no flavour." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E13)
  • "Wash my dogs, and be warned, they just watched Peabody and Sherman, so they're extra horny." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E13)
  • "We're like Batman and Alfred."
    "You'd rather be Alfred than Robin?"
    "He has access to the Batcave. Plus, he gets to drive all of Batman's girlfriends home and dish." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E13)
  • "I have no idea what a cucumber is." (Worst Cooks in America, S06E02)
  • "You know Norman Reedus?" (Girls, S04E01)
  • "Hard to hate a guy who gives you raisins." (Bob's Burgers, S05E09)
  • "I am never going back to the pit, unless the pit is a cool diner where teens hang out." (Bob's Burgers, S05E09)

Painting of Scott Bakula (Looking, S02E01)

  • "Agustín made a new friend too."
    "Yeah, I did. He's cute. A big bear who cares about trans and has a house in Virginia."
    "Oh, I've always wanted to visit the South."
    "Heh. A 'house in Virginia' – HIV positive." (Looking, S02E01)
  • "If anybody wants to hang, I will be at Subway." (Parks and Recreation, S07E01)

(Parks and Recreation, S07E01)

  • Werner Herzog! (Parks and Recreation, S07E01)
  • "After 47 years living here, I decided to move to Orlando to be closer to Disney World." (Parks and Recreation, S07E01)
  • "Everyone's in a really great mood now because of the Cubs winning in the Series." (Parks and Recreation, S07E02)
  • "This is why they call it Beantown, huh?" (Parks and Recreation, S07E02)
  • "It turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along." (Parks and Recreation, S07E02)
  • "I like my stomach like I like my suits – no lining." (New Girl, S04E13)
  • "I confiscated this satellite phone with a condom taped to it."
    "My earthquake kit?" (New Girl, S04E13)
  • "A water bottle with the top cut off."
    "That's a cup."
    "That is just a cup." (New Girl, S04E13)
  • Why did Antonia Lofaso replace Waylynn Lucas? (Restaurant Startup, S02E01)
  • Fellatio bib (Empire, S01E02)
  • "Shut up, Dora." (Empire, S01E02)
  • "You gon' Ray Rice me?" (Empire, S01E02)
  • "I asked for capers on the damn bagel!" (Empire, S01E02)
  • "Come on, Barack, you know you don't have to use that kind of languag— [Obama hangs up on Lucious]" (Empire, S01E02)
  • "First off, I have to commend your son, Hakeem Lyon, who recently accused President Obama of being a sellout." (Empire, S01E02)
  • "Every time I intubate a patient, I am reminded of how far we've come because of the accomplishments of 'Dr.' King."
    "Did you just air quote Dr. King?"
    "No… I am a medical doctor because of 'Dr.' King."
    "Are you hating on Dr. King?"
    "No, he is a great man, Dre! He has a Nobel Peace Prize, okay? I do not have one! But if you were to have a heart attack, he would give a great speech, and I would keep you alive." (Black-ish, S01E12)
  • Another Asylum character tie-in (American Horror Story, S04E12)
  • "You're a regular Gabriel Iglesias."
    "Iiiii wouldn't say that. Fluffy's very talented." (Workaholics, S05E01)
  • "Get that pecker out, buddy."
    "Okay, I can't. I'm sorry. It's like… It's very small, all right? It's like the, you know, the plastic thing at the end of a shoelace." (Workaholics, S05E01)
  • "Every gash is somebody's daughter." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "He did a monologue from Precious, which isn't even in the karaoke book." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "Uh ohhhh! There's a Jew at Hitler's party." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "When I was in Austria, back in the era, I would say 'That one,' and my bodyguards, they would take her, and they would put her in my bed. They would burn the house down. That was my Tinder." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "Don't you still love me?"
    "I'm better than Hitler!" (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "I'm sorry, Hitler." (Man Seeking Woman, S01E01)
  • "Isn't Argentina our ally?"
    "You'd think, right, after we threw them that lovely coup?" (Archer, S06E02)
  • "What the hell are you doing?"
    "I'm Archerizing this plan."
    "What? No, no. Uh-uh. You cannot make yourself a verb. I will not allow it." (Archer, S06E02)

"Thanks, Mr. Bearjangles." (Archer, S06E02)

  • Justin Long! (Portlandia, S05E02)
  • Changing up the opening credits (Banshee, S03E02)
  • "What if he calls it off?"
    "As Coldplay would say, don't panic. My boy Scott can, as Coldplay would say, talk his way out of anything." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
  • "You better stop making like Coldplay by creating trouble and get back to work." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
  • Twin Shadow! (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
  • "It kind of sounds a little bit like a bong."
    "UC Santa Cruz." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
  • Maya Rudolph corpsing at the end of the Claire Coulter interview (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E02)
  • Andy Samberg refusing to whip out his junk because he's doing better than Eric Andre (The Eric Andre Show, S03E09)

(The Eric Andre Show, S03E09)

  • Kevin Hart sure likes leather clothing (Saturday Night Live, S40E11)


Lazy, laid back, maybe you're just on crack

I can't stop looking at GIFs of Japanese celebrities orally seeing if objects in a room are real or actually sugar confectionery.

The Chick-fil-A cows figured out the English language, and how to write, and how to fuckin' parachute into a football stadium, but they can't spell basic words?

On April 1, replace the cows with Hindu people and correct all the misspellings.

In October, run negative campaign ads against chickens that are "paid for by cows."

A group of chickens set out to assassinate the cows. Like Munich, but with farm animals.

What makes the Chicago style deep dish pizza popcorn Chicago style deep dish? How does its taste differ from pizza-flavoured popcorn?

Chicago style hot dog I can taste in my head – mustard, celery salt…

It's so damn hard to keep playing the part of the fool week after week

You know how fading international soccer stars retire to Major League Soccer teams for a final payday?

China: The MLS of cinema.

Speaking of Chinese film productions…

Can't hurt to try, I suppose.

They just keep going and going and—

Idea: Hot Shots: Part Trois. A spoof of the Expendables series starring:

Charlie Sheen
Valeria Golino
Matt Dillon
Emilio Estevez
Corey Feldman
Anthony Michael Hall
C. Thomas Howell
Rob Lowe
Ralph Macchio
Andrew McCarthy
Demi Moore
Judd Nelson
Molly Ringwald
Ally Sheedy
et al.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

2. Christina (Worst Cooks in America, S06E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "The fanny runs deep." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S02E12)

(Worst Cooks in America, S06E01)

  • "Hold on. I recognize that sound. It's butts on brass." (Bob's Burgers, S05E08)
  • "How are we going to get past Ms. Schnur?"
    "I have an idea."
    "Hey, Penny Marshall's outside!" (Bob's Burgers, S05E08)
  • Retconning this season's case? (Broadchurch, S02E01)

(Bodyshockers, S02E01)

  • "We got a code Jewish, code Jewish."
    "You're under ch'arrest." (New Girl, S04E12)
  • "Girl's like a…pepperoni." (New Girl, S04E12)
  • "So that was a huge failure. I feel like a Democrat." (New Girl, S04E12)
  • Common hosted, judged, and recorded a theme song for a furniture building competition (Framework, S01E01)
  • Nicole's accent is bizarre (The Real World, S30E04)
  • "The president is asking that you'll attend the China state dinner."
    "Okay, tell Barack that, yes, but this is the last one for the next few months." (Empire, S01E01)
  • "I'm not competing with that sound." (Empire, S01E01)
  • "Take that damn bass out of your voice when you talking to me!" (Empire, S01E01)
  • Lucious literally binning his gay son (Empire, S01E01)
  • "I want to show you a faggot really can run this company." (Empire, S01E01)
  • With Cuba Gooding Jr., this show will star FOUR Academy Award nominees (Empire, S01E01)
  • "This place, these people, are our world, and it is like a banquet full of delicious possibilities. But our top priority is sex." (American Horror Story, S04E11)
  • "Is that medicine?"
    "It's painkillers mixed with candy. I call them 'Mike and Vics.'" (Archer, S06E01)
  • "You're gonna need my help."
    "Ha! Because you also need my help!"
    "Only because you just broke two of my ribs, in addition to impaling me on a bamboo stake, on which, I think we both know, you smeared some poop!" (Archer, S06E01)
  • Ty Burrell corpsing throughout the Fabrice Fabrice interview (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S04E01)

(The Eric Andre Show, S03E08)

  • "Investigate 311." (The Eric Andre Show, S03E08)


I'm writing the report on losing and failing

I call this the "woman lackadaisically using it while staring at her phone" machine.

As all existing audio players for swimmers are shit, when I swim laps, I have lots of time to think.

Idea: Chess swimming – like chess boxing, but with swimming. Embed waterproof touchscreens in one vertical end of a lap pool. A swimmer moves pieces between laps, playing against a computer or against someone with whom he or she is sharing a lane.

Idea: Embed waterproof touchscreens in both vertical ends of a lap pool. On one end, a swimmer reads a multiple choice trivia question, which he or she answers on the other end. Then he or she swims back to receive another question and so forth.

Swim trivia should be an Olympic event. 4 question x 100m medley. You keep swimming laps until you answer four questions correctly. Fastest to do so wins gold.

I can't be too cool in a tree with my pants down

Mike: It's a bummer that Animaniacs didn't have the staying power of greater cartoons.
Jon: Well, out of sight, out of mind.

Rumors have been rife that Rupert Murdoch plans to divest his 39% stake in Sky Europe (worth more than $4B) to fund a renewed bid for Time Warner. [source]

Jon: If Fox buys Time Warner, it won't have any use for CNN, which it could convert into a Fox Kids' WB Channel. Animaniacs, Batman: The Animated Series, Pokémon

If Fox buys Time Warner, HBO and FX would be sister stations.

If Fox buys Time Warner, Adult Swim could add The Simpsons.

If Fox buys Time Warner, Fox Sports 1 could absorb NBA on TNT, MLB postseason on TBS, and March Madness, becoming a more formidable competitor to ESPN.

If Fox buys Time Warner, it would own the film rights to both Wolverine and Batman, paving the way for a Dark Claw film.

The Super Bowl is typically the highest-rated single U.S. television broadcast of any given year. In turn, the program aired immediately following coverage of the game in the U.S. is typically also one of the year's most watched television programs. [source]

The Walking Dead returns on February 8, the Sunday following Super Bowl Sunday.

Last fall, The Walking Dead (on cable television) outdrew Sunday Night Football (on network television) in the coveted 18-49 demographic five times (out of eight).

The Walking Dead is the highest-rated programme on all of television among viewers 18-49, and the highest-rated drama on all of television period.


What if The Walking Dead was the Super Bowl's lead-out? – a special network television presentation / mid-season premiere.

Many believe that sooner or later somebody will snap up AMC Networks after Madison Square Garden splits it from its sports and live entertainment businesses. Viacom is seen as a potential target. [source]

Viacom owns CBS. CBS is telecasting next year's Super Bowl.

Or what if The Walking Dead returned on AMC immediately following this year's Super Bowl? Have Chris Hardwick vamp until the game ends and then go head-to-head with the trophy presentation and The Blacklist.

Heck, air the first act of the episode during halftime against Katy Perry, and the rest after the game. Unstoppable force, immovable object.

No Use For A Name, Finch, Tigers Jaw, Somos, +44, Knuckle Puck – it's a veritable Warped Tour.


In July 2013, Lagunitas Brewing Co.'s owner, Tony Magee, received a cease-and-desist order from SweetWater Brewing Co. in Atlanta demanding that the Northern California brewing giant stop using the marijuana code "420" in the cryptic artwork and messaging found on many Lagunitas beer labels. Since the 1990s, SweetWater had made a beer called 420 Extra Pale Ale.

"I decided, 'You want to own 420, fine, you can have it,'" Magee says. "And it's true: They legitimately owned it."

Don't pull me down, this is where I belong

The Scorpion King franchise keeps getting more and more amazing.

The fourth one also stars Rutger Hauer, Michael Biehn, Barry Bostwick, Antônio Silva, and kickboxing legend Don "The Dragon" Wilson.

The Scorpion King: The Rock (WWE)
The Scorpion King 2: Randy Couture (MMA)
The Scorpion King 3: Dave Bautista (WWE), Kimbo Slice (MMA)
The Scorpion King 4: Roy Nelson (MMA), Royce Gracie (MMA), Antônio Silva (MMA), Eve Torres (WWE), Don Wilson

Soon, every combat sport star will have appeared in a Scorpion King film. I'm surprised Nathan Jones hasn't yet.

I assume the odd colon is to emphasize that it's a sequel, and not a film titled Fist 2 Fist 2.

Fist 2 Fist 3: Tokyo Fist.