THE Ohio Steak University

"There is a place where the sky is always blue, and the kids always eat their vegetables, because the salad there is always served with the original Hidden Valley Ranch."

This copy…

1. The sky always being blue in this place has nothing to do with salad always being served with Hidden Valley Ranch. "There is a place where the kids always eat their vegetables, because the salad there is always served with the original Hidden Valley Ranch. Also: The weather's nice."

2. As Hidden Valley Ranch is not made in this place where the sky is always blue, why the environmental context? Why not just say, "Kids will eat vegetables served with Hidden Valley Ranch"?

This popped into my head today:

Free association:

Pauley Pavilion flooding =

One of my ideas for a wrestling match gimmick is submerging the mat in a foot of water, retarding movement and adding splashing. Imagine: A superplex into a ring of water.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

30. Routine Maintenance (Utopia, S02E03)

Honourable Mention

  • "Garden of the gods" meal (Food Network Star, S10E08)
  • Paul Heyman's promo (WWE Raw, 07-21-14)

Stray Observations

  • "At COMDEX, lavish equals shrimp." (Halt and Catch Fire, S01E08)
  • COMDEX is the new TechCrunch Disrupt (Halt and Catch Fire, S01E08)
  • Closed captioning: "'I Love You' song from Barney playing faintly" (The Strain, S01E02)

(MasterChef, S05E09)

Steph's gnarly cleavage (WWE Raw, 07-21-14)

  • "Is this a hybrid?" (WWE Raw, 07-21-14)
  • The teen actor (Nathan For You, S02E04)
  • The stripper cop (Nathan For You, S02E04)
  • "Underneath that dragon is our mattress." (Nathan For You, S02E04)
  • Chickens and a peacock in a tree (Nathan For You, S02E04)
  • John Cale! (The Bridge, S02E03)
  • "I say we act like white people and disappear and let our lawyer do the talking." (The Bridge, S02E03)
  • Jared's hair is approaching Eraserhead level (Rectify, S02E06)
  • Martin being a pimp (Friday Night Dinner, S03E06)
  • Friday Night Dinner Season Grade: C-


Silicon Valley

"A Sriracha-Themed EDM Festival Is Coming"?

2 city blocks, 3 stages of electronic music, 4 bars, and 120 sriracha-infused dishes.


Adam Riff™ presents Pop and Lox Festival. 3 stages of pop music and 120 dishes featuring brined salmon.

Pop and Lox after-party: All-you-can-drink soda plus a performance by The Lox.

Southern Hospitality, American Hostility

Rich Johnson is a charismatic, serial womanizer.

His name is Dick Dick.

After getting caught cheating and ruining another promising relationship, Rich desperately wishes his penis would just leave him alone. Lo and behold, Rich awakes the next morning to discover that his penis has left his body and taken human form as RP (Nick Thune) who moves into his apartment.

RP… Rich's Penis?

Yup. Rich's Penis.

Dick Dick's dick is Dick's Dick.


"Nick Thune, best known as Volchok's peen, died on Saturday night at his home in Los Angeles."


"There's a pretty great lesson hidden in this surprisingly cute little comedy about a guy and his penis not seeing eye to eye." – K.

"The characters are both outrageous and hysterical, everyone from the sassy waiter to the Yoda referencing cop." – Jorrdan Barroso

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

29. Conan and Dave Franco Join Tinder (Conan, 07-14-14)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "I'd be quitting for Zach so he isn't driving around Queens in a green goddamn Prius." (The Strain, S01E01)
  • Captain and Tennille on The Leftovers, Neil Diamond on The Strain (The Leftovers, S01E03, The Strain, S01E01)
  • Music: Molotov – "Gimme the Power" (The Strain, S01E01)
  • "Love, you see, is the one force that cannot be explained, cannot be broken down into a chemical process. It is the beacon that guides us back home when no one is there, and the light that illuminates our loss. Its absence robs us of all pleasure, of our capacity for joy. It makes our nights darker, and our days gloomier. But when we find love, no matter how wrong, how sad, or how terrible, we cling to it. It gives us our strength. It holds us upright. It feeds on us, and we feed on it. Love is our grace. Love is our downfall." (The Strain, S01E01)
  • Artemis! (Masters of Sex, S02E01)
  • Ygritte! (Utopia, S02E01)
  • "Should the time come, I'm to be your daughter's torturer." (Utopia, S02E01)
  • 24 Season Grade: B
  • Palpatine! (Utopia, S02E02)

(Matador, S01E01)

  • "Mention this gravestone for a 15% discount." (Nathan For You, S02E03)
  • "Asian, black, Hispanic, old." (Nathan For You, S02E03)
  • "I like Call of Duty and pussy." (The Bridge, S02E02)

(Loiter Squad, S03E10)

  • Loiter Squad Season Grade: C+
  • "What's your dog called?"
    "Right. Is it, um, really called 'Piano'?"
    "What do you think?"
    [pause] (Friday Night Dinner, S03E05)


Can you throw them over your shoulder like a continental soldier?


"Hey! No photographs!"



I'm not sure if she feared me stealing her "Freakish Pringles" design, or if she feared Pringles seeing a photograph of it on the Internet.

(Shilin Night Market)

I saw this shirt on display outside a store but alas, could not find one inside.


I regret not stopping in to see what jeans for aggressive women look like.

(Shilin Night Market)

Extreme knock-off.



On top of spaghetti

Go on…

The Nazis conduct experiments to bring extinct animals back to life, with the hopes of releasing the creatures into hunting parks for the Aryan people.

I hope it's better than Drug Kingpin Hippos, which was just an excuse for Animal Planet to produce a documentary on Pablo Escobar.

Oh. Hitler's Jurassic Zoo originally aired on American Heroes Channel.

B: Why are you in New York City?
Jon: Well…

Jon: You flew me out here to maybe co-sign an apartment lease?!

Jon: So I can't leave until Joe resolves his housing situation – until he decides to renew his current lease or passes/fails a credit check for a new apartment. The day after I arrived, however, he left for Texas and hasn't returned since. Oh and his family is visiting from July 23-31, during which time I can't crash at his place but likely can't return home either.

Joe: My friend in Washington, D.C. has a room…

You would not use "it's" in this case

I've been thinking a lot about friendships tailing off and, heh, how to adapt that into a television series.

The protagonist is a bloke in his late 30s or early 40s. In each episode, something happens in his life that reminds him of a friend he once had, and the bulk of every episode is a flashback story. It's friendship presented through a nostalgic prism.

Idea: A team must infiltrate the mind of a blind man to extract information, navigating a world created by someone without a visual frame of reference.

Blue ball go down the hole

RE: flopping in soccer

If being fouled leads to a direct free kick, why wouldn't you flop and try to draw fouls? Why wouldn't you try to set yourself up to score?

To reduce flopping in soccer, the penalty for a foul should be less enticing – a two-minute power play, perhaps.

Other ideas:

» No offside penalties in stoppage time.

» In elimination games, instead of a penalty shoot-out, teams continue playing 15-minute blocks of extra time until one team wins. For every block of extra time, however, each team must remove a player from play. So the first block of extra time is 9 vs. 9, the second, 8 vs. 8, et cetera.

» A yearly FIFA All-Star Game. Two player-captains draft teams from a pool of 44 players that the world votes in. Substitutions are unlimited so that every all-star gets to play.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

28. The Web (Nathan For You, S02E02)

It plays better in context, that context being a "Television Episode of the Year" nominee.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "You're all suffering and no salvation." (The Leftovers, S01E02)
  • The cast of Perfect Strangers vanished (The Leftovers, S01E02)

You eediot! (24, S09E10)

  • "But what happens when the bullets start to fly?"
    "You're gonna wanna try and stay low." (24, S09E11)
  • William, the professional Bill Gates impersonator (Nathan For You, S02E02)
  • "Our next short is a documentary called Me Farting on Command." (Nathan For You, S02E02)
  • "Of course, it's a hybrid, so it ain't like we could wait it out." (The Bridge, S02E01)
  • Rutger Hauer! (Wilfred, S04E04)
  • Events at the Secret Rose Theatre on both Nathan For You and Loiter Squad this week (Loiter Squad, S03E09)


Eater's Digest: Taipei

anzu / le bouquet / juanita burritos and tacos / woolloomooloo / ningxia night market / vigor kobo / florida bakery / texas rangers fried chicken / shilin night market / hot star large fried chicken / ji pin / bac chocolate world / kyoto teppenyaki / aunt stella's / asto gelato italiano / wendel's german bakery / pregame / flavors / tonghua night market / ireland's potato / macho tacos / whalen's / mister donut / snow king / yi yuan peking cuisine / ed's diner / 89 seafood / lian xiang zhai / raohe night market / zhua bing stand (yongkang st) / ben teppan grill / din tai fung

Juanita Burritos and Tacos is a Chipotle rip-off decorated with Star Wars pop art.

"Original Mexican sauce"?

"We pride ourselves on our lettuce."

Unlike other night markets in Taipei, the Ningxia Night Market is all food – eel noodles, rice with pig's feet, small intestine in large intestine, pork rib stewed in Chinese medicine…

Salad Boat
A deep-fried doughnut-like roll, sliced open, slathered with mayonnaise, and stuffed with some ham, some hard-boiled egg, some tomato, and some cucumber.

They are repulsively delicious.

Ji Pin

BAC (Black As Chocolate) Chocolate World is a café where every dish contains some form of chocolate.

For example:

• Pan fried salmon marinated in cocoa salt and cocoa gin

• A pastrami sandwich with dark chocolate bread

• A fried seafood platter served with white chocolate yuzu dip and cocoa pineapple salsa

As I departed, my waitress ran out to return the tip I had left and would not let me go until I accepted my tip back.

Lian Xiang Zhai is a swanky vegetarian buffet known for its Buddhist monk clientele, chocolate fountain, and all-you-can-eat Häagen-Dazs ice cream.

Vegetarian fish remains dire. This buffet's vegetarian sashimi looks like sashimi, but eats like gelatinous nothing, and its cooked vegetarian fish is awfully rubbery.

Tonghua Night Market

"Boss level of delicious."

Ed's Diner
"American BBQ." Good pulled pork sandwich, satisfactory beef brisket.

A Canadian diner. Good Montreal smoked meat sandwich, weak classic poutine.

Macho Tacos
"Authentic Mexican food," including fish tacos.

Aunt Stella's
Also on the menu: Spicy Jambalaya Creole.

Swedish chef marries Taiwanese woman, opens Swedish restaurant in Taipei.

Taiwanese-Australian architect opens combination restaurant/market/event space in Taipei. Not surprisingly, the design of his complex is very cool.


The climate in Taiwan is tropical/sub-tropical; cold and/or fruity drinks are popular in Taiwan; and 7-Elevens are ubiquitous in Taiwan, yet 7-Elevens in Taiwan don't sell Slurpees. Seems like a missed opportunity.

Taiwanese people will add milk to anything.

Snow King is an ice creamery that offers salty flavours for diabetics.

I tried its pork knuckle (ham hock) flavour with bits of pig skin mixed in, and its pork floss flavour. Both tasted like salty peanut soup.

According to Google Translate, Asto gelateria's flavour offerings include: Latina Passion, Black Beauty, and Pikachu.

I tried its wax apple flavour.

Shilin Night Market

Taipei's most famous night market is a fuckin' labyrinth.

I couldn't find this place selling "intestinal wang duck blood tofu" and "cod chin."

However, I did find A Piece of Gayke and its infamous "todger waffles."

Home edition.

Wiener inception.

Coffin Bread
A deep-fried slice of Texas toast, carved open on one side, filled with various stuff, and lidded shut. The one I tried at the Shilin Night Market contained shrimp and pineapple on a bed of shredded cabbage smothered in a mysterious chowder.

Raohe Night Market

At the Raohe Night Market, I happened upon a stand selling half-size coffin bread. Among its filling options: chocolate custard, and…

Lobster salad with Doritos. Pictured: An open casket, heh.

"Lil' America."

Corn dogs coiled in cheese and fries.

Ireland's Potato is a fast food chain in Asia. Its main selling point is that Irish people are quite literally crazy about potatoes, and so the rest of the world should be too.

89 Seafood is known for its massive Hokkaido king crabs.

I watched one poor crab keep getting pulled out of its tank for photographs.

Ben Teppan Grill
Longest teppenyaki meal ever – after which you are escorted to a lounge for dessert.

In the waiting area: An encased basketball autographed by Jeremy Lin.

Did they know that Jeremy Lin was coming and buy a basketball in advance for him to autograph, or did they run out and buy a basketball while he was eating?

Pregame imports red Solo cups for authenticity.


When the gas runs out, just wreck it

Jon: You replaced your front lawn with fake grass?
B: And back lawn. I'm tired of paying to maintain them. I mean, when was the last time you used your front lawn?
Jon: Just earlier today. I, uhh, cut across it to reach my front door quicker.
B: [pause]
Jon: Do fake lawns affect property value?
B: Not when you live near the Googleplex.

The In Sound From Way Out!

Rory: What would you say was Grand Royal's biggest non-Beastie Boys LP release: Fever In Fever Out by Luscious Jackson or Relationship of Command by At the Drive-In?
Jon: Pfff! Relationship of Command. No contest.
Dan: You're overlooking Atari Teenage Riot.
Rory: Said no one ever.

Rory: Okay, Nothing Records' biggest non-Nine Inch Nails LP release.
Jon: Biggest: Antichrist Superstar by Marilyn Manson. Best: Mechanical Animals.

Jon: Maverick Records' greatest hits album:
1. Paul Oakenfold – "Ready Steady Go"
2. Michelle Branch – "All You Wanted"
3. The Rentals – "Friends of P."
4. Deftones – "Change (in the House of Flies)"
5. Jack's Mannequin – "Dark Blue"
6. Madonna – "Music"
7. Candlebox – "Far Behind"
8. Meshell Ndegeocello – "If That's Your Boyfriend (He Wasn't Last Night)"
9. The Prodigy – "Breathe"
10. Greyson Chance – "Waiting Outside the Lines"
11. Alanis Morissette – "Ironic"
12. Story of the Year – "Until the Day I Die"

Rory: Aftermath's greatest hits album: Curtain Call: The Hits by Eminem.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

27. Exorcisms (Nathan For You, S02E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Cold open (The Honourable Woman, S01E01)
  • "Werner Herzog" describes Good Will Hunting: Port of Call – Los Angeles (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E09)

Stray Observations

  • Music: Max Richter – "The Twins (Prague)" (The Leftovers, S01E01)
  • Buddy Garrity! (The Leftovers, S01E01)
  • Justin Theroux: NOT Ron Livingston (The Leftovers, S01E01)
  • The "spin the bottle" wheel: Screw, Hug, Burn, Hickey, Suck, [indecipherable three-letter word], Choke, Bite, The Tip, Titty, Fuck, Kiss, Slap (The Leftovers, S01E01)
  • Why is he undressing to be choked? […] Oh. Heh (The Leftovers, S01E01)
  • Music: James Blake – "Retrograde" (The Leftovers, S01E01)
  • Free association: Guilty Remnant = Danielson Famile (The Leftovers, S01E01)

(The Leftovers, S01E01)

  • Music: Max Richter – "Vladimir's Blues" (The Leftovers, S01E01)
  • The Leftovers' director of photography was Breaking Bad's DP (The Leftovers, S01E01)
  • [Anachronistic] Music: Big Black Delta – "Capsize" (Halt and Catch Fire, S01E05)
  • "Will you read my future?"
    "I don't know that you have one."
    "Everyone has a future."
    "Not everyone. Some people only have a past."
    "Then read my past."
    "Then you would have no more mystery." (Penny Dreadful, S01E08)
  • "Show business – all bitches." (Penny Dreadful, S01E08)
  • Rory Kinnear for "best supporting actor" (Penny Dreadful, S01E08)
  • Penny Dreadful Season Grade: C+
  • Baby octopus Jell-O shots (Frankenfood, S01E04)
  • "I really want bone marrow under that box. I could really get down and dirty with some bone marrow." (MasterChef, S05E06)

"Mark, pleeease!" (24, S09E10)

  • "Okay, you can talk to him, but if you cross the line, I'm pulling you."
    "Just so we're clear, I wasn't asking. That was me being courteous." (24, S09E10)
  • "Full immunity is not on the table – but your hand is." (24, S09E10)
  • Return of the one villain that got away (24, S09E10)
  • Pivoting to a world war with two episodes left? (24, S09E10)
  • RT: "'Pasadena: Where the pain of your family doesn't follow you.' They should really use that as a tourist slogan" (Tyrant, S01E02)

(Nathan For You, S02E01)

  • "A ghost choked you in Switzerland?" (Nathan For You, S02E01)
  • Music: Radiohead – "How to Disappear Completely" (The Honourable Woman, S01E01)
  • Music: The Low Anthem – "Charlie Darwin" (Rectify, S02E03)
  • James Adomian's Gordon Ramsay impersonation (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E09)
  • "So Alison, you were in the movie Scream 4…"
    "It's actually pronounced 'AHHHH!!! 4.'" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E09)
  • "You want to be Montell Jordans or a loser?" (Loiter Squad, S03E08)
  • PSA tag (Loiter Squad, S03E08)
  • "Little Caesars: It's the only thing better than getting what you want." (Orange Is the New Black, S02E11)
  • Lulz at Fig neutralizing the accountant with the promise of meeting Tiki Barber (Orange Is the New Black, S02E12)
  • Tiki discussing Foucault (Orange Is the New Black, S02E12)
  • How do they all know how to sing "Stay" by Lisa Loeb? (Orange Is the New Black, S02E12)
  • Sideshow Vee (Orange Is the New Black, S02E12)
  • Six months after Randy described Toy Story 3 on Enlisted, Morello describes Toy Story (Orange Is the New Black, S02E13)
  • RT: "a black guy knowing the words to Deep Blue Something's 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' is complete and utter bullshit" (Orange Is the New Black, S02E13)
  • Orange Is the New Black Season Grade: B-